... What tomorrow will bring?

Setting goals,
creating expectations,
making resolutions - 
fantasies of the mind. 

Being in the moment 
is 
what I plan to work on 
in the year 2010. 

Being present 
here and now. 
One moment, 
one hour, 
one day at a time. 
One smile, 
one grimace, 
one fear, 

one joy 
at a time. 

"We might wonder, How do I learn to recognize I'm caught? How can I see what I do without feeling hopeless? How can I find some sense of humor? Some gentleness? Some ability to let go and not make such a big deal of my problems? What will help me remain present when I'm afraid?"
Pena Chodron, "Taking the Leap" (2009)

It is that time of the year to gather round my angels. 

Here are two that Tom and I bought fifteen years ago - one for each of our apartments. He chose the burgundy one (faded now), and I the peachy colored (below). This year, my angel gets to head up our tree. 

There are a number of angels that I have been collecting over the years:

Well, I have always thought that Ada is some kind of angel. This one I bought in an airport store years ago when I was missing my cat while traveling for some conference or other. Each year she shares our tree, even with a broken ear.

I found this antique angel made out of tin, in a quaint little store in Buffalo this past summer. She is complete with halo and trumpet. Just above her hangs a tiny angel made of straw. I found that one in Ten Thousand Villages, just up the road a-ways in our own Chestnut-Hill. 

Update: Oops. I nearly forgot ... And, from the same store [Ten Thousand Villages], featured in the picture below, is a tiny little tin Angel (made in Kenya).

Each year I purchase Christmas tree ornaments from UNICEF. Many years ago, I found this delicate angel, in their catalog. She adorns the top branches of our tree every year since.

The angel with the blue rose. A student gave her to me at the end of the semester almost twenty years ago at the University at Buffalo. It was such a generous gift and gesture that, at the time, I did not have the heart to tell her I was a Jewish Atheist. 

Trudging through the snow up to my knees, I just had to feed the birds of Fairmount Park in my back yard. They were gathered on the bushes puffed out and trembling with cold, waiting for me. It filled my heart with joy to throw out cups full of bird seed for them. One little sparrow came down to eat even before I was finished. 

Perhaps Tom should 
string me up on our tree! 
I must say it feels kind of good 
to be a sixty-year-old angel 
of the birds, 
with wet pajama knees this morning. 
I am not a religious person 
by any means, 
but for some reason, 
all this snow brings out 
the spirituality in me ...

Last year was certainly a Christmas to remember. It bathed me in warmth and security, the likes of which I have never known before. It strengthened and buoyed me up forever. It was a time I will never forget. 

Looking back, I realize that I have changed quite a bit this year - at least physically:

From ...

To ...

Although, as I look at different photographs of me lately, I cannot quite recognize me. How did I get from being a youngish woman to an almost senior - so fast? "Where have all the years gone?" I wonder as I stare in the mirror, or at these photographs above.

I went from being a fifty-some-year-old to a sixty-year-old woman - over night, it seems - at midnight, to be exact, accompanied by my best friend, Jan and my darling son, Gilad, in a small bistro in Paris. I became tenured at work, completed another book, made friends and amends with all kinds of lost loves, strengthened some new friendships, and returned to therapy. 

Changes stir emotionally. Indeed, I feel strong enough to take on some uncomfortable feelings - hence the courage to return to therapy. As I describe my emotions and thoughts to the new therapist these past weeks, I feel as if I am getting to know me all over again. Stories about my past seem so far away. Here and now is a whole new me to discover! It looks like there is some fun to be had this fast-approaching new year. 2010. It has a good ring to it. A decade since the millennium change. New pieces of Self to uncover. Perhaps, even, different professional paths ahead. Who knows?

This Christmas looks to be very quiet this year. Just life partner and me, with Ada pitter-pattering between and among us. 

I wonder ... may the quiet of the season give us some space to uncover a new us?

Teaching Tamarika

Semester drawing to an end

Night falls - time to light the third candle
Cold and rainy - wintry dark without
Let there be light
Within
Tonight

Quote of the day:

One thing I learned tonight was the "terrible two's" represent such a wonderful development of bravery and the beginning of autonomy - they are being brave not bad. 

With permission of Kristen Melanski (Graduate student in my early childhood class this semester: Issues and Challenges in Early Childhood Education, who recently wrote this quote to me one evening in response to my request: Write down one thing you learned in class tonight)

Looking at the article, which arrived today, and thinking that I have wanted to put this out in print for teachers, for such a long time. Yes indeed. For over 20 years. Staring at it in joy and disbelief.

Melissa takes a picture of me poring over my article in my office today. Did she catch the few tears of happiness that prickled my eyes?

Am grateful to Donna for helping make this happen. Am especially grateful to NAEYC and Teaching Young Children. It may seem small to others, but to me, who played with dolls all through my childhood, this is a very big deal.

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: Wish, wish, swish

I have been wracking my brains about what I want for Christmas, trying to come up with things for my wish list, and I have to admit that, this year, my desires have nothing to do with stuff. 

Lately, in therapy, I have been exploring the difference between my feelings and actions. I have rediscovered desires and emotions I seem to have put aside, shoved down under, thinking I might better survive without feeling them. Instead, focusing on what to do about this, that, and the other. Trying so hard to control my behavior and actions, my reactions, and yet, finding again and again that so much is beyond my control. I am learning to let go and allow myself to feel what I feel, want what I want, even if I cannot always have what I want. 

Indeed, I seem to be missing people I love, more than usual, and wishing a whole bunch of everyone would surprise me by just arriving at my door, missing me as much as I miss them, wanting to see me so much that they just ... simply ... show up ... together in my living room for a huge, festive dinner ... a pot luck ... a hodge podge ... of love and family, friends and love all around. 

I must say that in a strange way it is a relief to openly admit that to myself, even if it hurts a bit, rendering me vulnerable as I own the loneliness that those feelings raise within me.

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: Memoir reflections