Ministry127 | Family Helps

The Most Powerful Parenting Practice

Cary Schmidt — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 23:57:58 +0000

“Something’s going wrong in the heart of my child, and I’m not sure what to do!” Ever been there, parent? Have you ever seen the fruit of attitudes, behaviors, and decisions growing from the young branches of your child’s life and been terrified by what’s producing that fruit—what sinful root might be fueling a destructive direction? What do you do in these situations?

It’s easy to feel powerless, to feel like a parental failure, or to panic in overreaction. The simple fact is—parenting is one of the most overwhelming and daunting responsibilities that an adult can assume. To be responsible for the physical, emotional, relational, intellectual, and spiritual development and health of another soul is flat scary! It’s scary because we know we’re in over our heads. Too often, our parental panic is merely a subconscious reaction to the fact that we don’t really know what we’re doing!

Here’s some great news for you. When you feel helpless—you’re not. When you feel powerless—you’re not. When you feel that you don’t have the knowledge or expertise that parenting requires, you have access to the greatest Parent of all time. You and your child have instant access to the perfect Father, and He is eternally capable of helping you navigate difficult family circumstances. He is ready and waiting, in a split-second, to come to your side, give you wisdom, and help you understand deep issues of the heart and how to respond.

Look at God’s promises to us when we call upon Him: “And call upon me in the day of trouble: I will deliver thee, and thou shalt glorify me” (Psalm 50:15). “He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him” (Psalm 91:15). “The Lord is nigh unto all them that call upon him, to all that call upon him in truth” (Psalm 145:18).

The single most powerful parenting practice is simply prayer—calling upon God. And the most powerful expression of that practice is when you pray with your children. Does that sound simplistic? It isn’t.

Yes, it’s simple, but oh so difficult and complex. If you’ve tried recently to pray with your children or family, you know what I’m talking about. And I’m not referring to praying before a meal. I’m talking about coming together in a focused moment to talk to God and seek His help and guidance. No parenting effort will ever encounter as much spiritual resistance. No parenting exercise feels so awkward (at first). And no parenting practice is more powerful and transforming to the heart and relationships.

When you pray with your children, you are doing the one thing Satan fears the most and the one thing that most brings God’s power and presence to bear in your situation. So buckle up for some resistance. Prepare to press through some awkwardness. Let’s investigate this a bit more with some practical steps to praying with your children:

Accept the Responsibility of Spiritual Leadership

Dad, this begins with you. It begins with understanding that God has called you to pastor your family—to lead your family spiritually. He expects you to be the initiator of walking with God and taking your family on that walk with you. If your family will grow spiritually, it should be with you leading the way. What your dad did is irrelevant. If you are in Christ, your Heavenly Father is your perfect role model now, and He will empower you and enable you to be what you need to be for your family. Believe it and embrace it.

Decide on the Best Time to Pray Together

For many families this would be bedtime or the beginning of the day. For some great reasons, I challenge you to end the day with your children in prayer. After a busy day, what could be better than opening our hearts together before God, placing the events of the day in His hands, and acknowledging His Lordship in our lives? What better way to fall off to sleep than having just spoken to our Heavenly Father together? What better way to say to your child, “I love you and cherish you as a gift from my Father” than to say it to the Lord in the presence of your child?

Pray Together Individually and as a Family

There’s something special about praying as a family—everybody taking a turn to speak to the Lord. But there’s also something special about kneeling by your child’s bed—one child at a time—and talking to God, just the two of you. It’s impossible to continue in a fight or with contention during these moments. Pride breaks down. Strong wills melt. Bad attitudes dissolve in the presence of Jesus. The most divided parent-child relationship cannot stay divided much longer when both commit to praying together on a daily basis. These are amazing, supernatural growing moments that nothing else can create!

Pray Personally and Transparently

Don’t preach at or lecture your child through your prayer. Begin by thanking the Lord for all of His good blessings—especially your child. Confess out loud your love and commitment to this child. Thank the Lord for giving you this child and letting you be the parent of someone so amazing! Then, pray for yourself. Confess that you need God’s help to be a good parent. Ask for wisdom. Ask for guidance. Ask for help in leading this young life to love the Lord. “Lord, help this son/daughter to know how much I love them and You! Help me to be a good father….”

Finally, pray for your child. Again—don’t preach. Pray. “Lord, give him strength tomorrow. Give him wisdom to do the right thing. Help him to walk with You, love You, and grow in Your grace. Help him have the strength to fight temptation. Give him the courage to talk with me if there is a struggle in his heart….”

Express Physical Affection During Your Prayer

Again, whether your parents were affectionate, or whether you are the “affectionate type” is irrelevant. Kids need our physical affection, so no excuses here. Just be affectionate. Hold them in your arms. Hug them. Put an arm around them. Hold their hand. Put your hand on their arm or neck. Put yourself in some sort of physical contact with your child as you pray. This communicates love and acceptance. And if your child responds in kind, it communicates a tender, open heart toward you. Make this open, affectionate relationship your goal. If you don’t share it, pursue it until you do.

Visit for a Few Moments

Bedtime moments are critical moments. Make the most of them. Play around a bit. Tickle your younger children. Wrestle with your boys. Tell a story. Ask them how their day went. Express interest and attentiveness. And then, in the shadow of your Heavenly Father, and in the presence of your loving acceptance, let them drift off to sleep with good things on their mind.

In conclusion—let me share a few observations about this most powerful parenting practice.

First, if this is new for you, it will be difficult at first, but will soon be natural. In our “flesh against the Spirit” battle this takes some time to feel natural. Press through that awkward stage, just like you did when you first dated your spouse. Like every other spiritual step, the foreign feel of this will dissipate in time, and it will become as natural as any other conversation.

Second, don’t force your child to pray. If there is some relational distance or damage, or if this is a new discipline for you, your son or daughter may feel uncomfortable at first. Give them some space and don’t get frustrated. In time, if you accept their hesitation, they will come around. They will soon be attracted to speaking to such a wonderful God!

Third, understand that your child’s heart was designed for this. Your child’s heart was created for closeness with you, which should ultimately lead to closeness with the Heavenly Father. You are attractive to your child—knowing you, being accepted by you, being close to you matters to them. It’s a craving of their soul. And so is being close with God and knowing Jesus. Their hearts will blossom and thrive in His presence. It’s up to you to lead them there.

Fourth, don’t make this a marathon. We’re not talking about an all-night prayer meeting here. It doesn’t need to be long, but it does need to be sincere and genuine.

Finally, this is tough. It requires time and sacrifice. It requires that you turn off the TV, even if a news story really has your attention. It requires that your spouse work with you as a team, reminding you, even nagging you if necessary. It requires courage, faith, commitment, and tenacity. It requires obedience to the promptings of the Holy Spirit to pray even when it’s tough.

Think of a moment recently when you were most at your wits’ end in parenting. What did you do? What was your natural response? When you discovered your child did something that dishonored the Lord; when you received that call from the school office; or when that parent approached you with difficult information—what did you do? When your child suddenly and openly defied you or rejected you—what did you do? What will you do when that happens again?

Think of it this way. You can turn to yourself and your limited understanding and perspective to pull together some human solution which won’t work. You can fight it out, wounding each other, and escalating a conflict until both hearts are hard and cold in the relationship. You can panic, overreact, and later regret your carnal response. You can make a bad situation worse by ignoring God’s desire to be involved and bring resolution and growth.

Or you can pray. You can swallow hard, grab each other’s hand, get on your knees, and invite Jesus to change your hearts and your situation. Only He can soften your spirits and resolve your conflict until both hearts—parent’s and child’s—are soft and close once again. Only He can give you wisdom and grace to rise above your natural, carnal responses and give you Spirit-filled, Christ-like responses.

It’s up to you.

Do you know where this all begins? It begins with believing that it matters—believing that prayer can make a difference. Prayer is a simple act that packs nuclear spiritual power. But if you don’t believe that, you probably won’t unpack that power. If you choose to ignore this powerful practice, you’re doomed to continue a long string of recurring parenting mistakes. And you’re leaving your children to themselves in discovering a personal, wonderful, amazing Heavenly Father!

Isn’t it about time you used the power of prayer in your family relationships? God’s arms are open. His attention is yours. He loves to hear from you. And He loves to help parents and children nurture healthy relationships with Him and each other. Why don’t you begin entering His presence with your child today?

Parents Must Give Their Children Spiritual Direction

Troy Calvert — Fri, 16 Mar 2012 23:58:33 +0000

Most Americans do not consider their family a top priority. A recent survey by the Barna Research Group answered the question, “Has the economy influenced Americans’ priorities?” by reporting that the downturn in the economy is mirrored by a downturn in commitment to the family. The percentage of Americans who say their top priority is family has declined from 51% in 2006 to the current level of 45%. Or, to put it another way, 55% of Americans don’t consider family their top priority. In light of this amazing fact; it is not surprising that only 12% of adults now say that faith is their top priority (down from 16% in 2006).

It is my opinion that these findings highlight a lack of spiritual direction in the home. As our world creeps closer and closer to eternity and impending judgment, we need to take seriously our Lord’s commands concerning the family. Solomon, the wisest man to ever walk the face of the earth, shared sufficient direction for all of us today, if we desire to have homes that are abounding in the work of the Lord: “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6).

Direction in the Home Must Begin Early

All too often parents with young children think that it really doesn’t matter how they train their children because the critical years start once they become a teenager. Unfortunately, nothing could be further from the truth. When God chooses to bless a home with children, parents have a sacred responsibility to “train up a child in the way he should go.” The training must be with purpose. If this is not done there are unavoidable consequences.

There are many people today who do not give much importance to discipline or direction. Discipline or structure in the home, in the form of rules, must be enforced if our children are to learn the life-lessons we want for them. “The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame” (Proverbs 29:15). Too many parents in our society are not willing to admit their inconsistencies regarding the training of their children.

Discipline in the Home Must Come from God’s Word

Otherwise, we have no foundation on which to build a life for God. Teaching your children to be obedient to you helps them understand the importance of obedience to the Word of God. As we put into practice the principles that we find in God’s Word, we can find the direction that we need. Very often, adults who don’t follow the ways of the Lord did not learn as children the need to have the Word of God as their central focus. Psalm 119:10–11 provides a key that should be applied in childhood: “With my whole heart have I sought thee: O let me not wander from thy commandments. Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee.”

Are you training your children to use God’s Word in order to make wise decisions? This training provides your children with a spiritual offense. When Ephesians talks about the armor of God the only offensive weapon given is the Sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God. If you want your children to be able to fight the devil, their own flesh, and the world, impart to them this sacred Book! Help them to realize there is only one way in which they should go and it is God’s way.

When your children are older, you may see the fruit of your labor in their selection of mates. Do not stand idly by when you as a parent see that your child is in a dating relationship that is not God’s will.

Christians are not to have fellowship with darkness, which refers to those who are not in the family of God. If my child begins dating someone who is unsaved, it is my responsibility as a parent to stop that relationship because it is not according to the direction laid out by our Lord.

If your child has already gone astray, I encourage you to not give up hope. God is all-powerful and able, in His timing, to use the seeds that you planted in your child’s youth to bring him back into God’s will. Remember the prodigal son who, after a season of riotous living, returned to his father who had never lost hope and welcomed his son with open arms. Don’t give up on your wayward son or daughter, but determine to put your hope in the Lord.

Preparing Your Children for Marriage

Dr. Tim Cruse — Sat, 10 Mar 2012 00:35:33 +0000

“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6

To train means “to narrow,” conveying the thought of marking a clear path for our children by removing the unnecessary and focusing on that of lasting value—setting biblical boundaries (Proverbs 13:6). Many parents unwisely encourage their children to experiment with various philosophies of life. We should spend more time teaching our children the truth instead.

Here are some ways to help you prepare your children for marriage:

1. Ask God Daily for Wisdom and Strength

“If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God” James 1:5a (see also Esther 2:11 and Job 1:5).

2. Pray Consistently for Their Future Spouses

Salvation
Purity
Development of Christ-like character (Philippians 2:5)
Protection
Maturity
Respect for authority, etc.

3. Teach Them Early on God’s Plan for Their Lives

God’s blueprint for building a strong family is found in His Word (Ephesians 5:18–6:4).

Remind them often that they will get married and raise a godly family of their own someday (Malachi 2:15; Proverbs 31:1; 1 Thessalonians 4:1–8).

4. Help Them Develop a Servants Heart

Teach them to marry for what they can give, not get. This is only possible as they die to self and are filled with (controlled by) the Holy Spirit.

Marriage brings many responsibilities. Your children will have to be mature and settle in—“leave and cleave.”

Marriage is a life-long commitment to God and one another (Matthew 19:6).

5. Uphold the Standard of Purity in the Home

The parent’s job is to guard the hearts and minds of their children until they are old enough to do it for themselves. You must help your children be “simple concerning evil” Romans 16:19).

Tell your children the greatest gift they can give their spouses is themselves and it is important that they stay pure in heart, mind, and body so that they can give all of themselves to their future spouses.

6. Show Them How to Walk With God

You cannot impart what you do not possess. In order to effectively teach your children to walk with God, you must consecrate yourself to God and be yielded to His will.

Daily prayer and Bible reading
Abiding in Christ
Developing a heart and mind of discernment (1 John 4:1)
Good steward of time, talent, and treasure (Romans 12:1–2)

7. Remind Them to Wait on God’s Timing

Right one, right way, right time—no unequal yokes (2 Corinthians 6:14)
“If in doubt, don’t”—“Don’t settle for second best”
Parents approval of future spouse with insight and counsel of your pastor

8. Help Them Plan a Truly Christian Marriage

Pre-marital counseling
Christ-honoring ceremony

Establishment of a Christian home that pleases God in all areas—i.e. faithful church attendance, family altar, Christian service, financial stewardship, child-rearing, etc.

Spiritual Weapons for Wayward Kids

Cary Schmidt — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 23:02:14 +0000

What can you do when your grown children begin to stray spiritually? I’ve seen a lot of parents hurt, mystified, and shaken by sudden and radical spiritual changes in the lives of their adult children. I realize, one day I may be one of them—and so could you.

In these moments, some parents grasp for control—trying to maintain a mythical strangle-hold of childhood authority. This always escalates a situation to become worse and creates greater distance relationally and spiritually. In a wild swing to the other extreme—some parents abandon their post of parental influence. They mentally, emotionally, and spiritually disconnect with an “oh well” resignation, as if there is nothing they can really do. Others respond in anger—returning hurt for hurt.

Recently, Dana and I prayerfully and fearfully sat down with some parents who were facing circumstances in which we all felt powerless. Together, we rediscovered the weapons God had given us to fight battles that are far beyond our human control. And together, we saw God work a miracle. These are the weapons that God gives us all to use against impossible circumstances:

Unconditional Love and Acceptance

Regardless what my child does, how my child hurts me, or how far out of bounds my child behaves—I will choose to respond with Christ-like compassion and unconditional love. This is a powerful weapon that speaks to the heart and the conscience. By the way, acceptance of a person does not equal approval of sin.

Godly Grace

Regardless of what my child has done, I extend grace—unmerited favor. Just as grace is God’s response to my sin, grace will be my response to my child’s sin. Grace is always undeserved, and is the most powerful resource for creating an environment where repentance and change are possible.

Intercessory Prayer

This weapon brings all the powers of Heaven to work in the situation. It is the single most powerful and yet most neglected response to any strained relationship.

God’s Word

Opinions and personal preferences matter little, but the principles of God’s Word are powerful. When battles of the will only escalate a situation, the principles of God’s Word speak to the heart with the potential of lasting life change.

Patient Endurance

Change takes time. Repentence is rarely instantaneous. Parents who win these battles never give up (emphasis on NEVER.) They faithfully and persistently use these weapons until the battle is won.

These are weapons of the Spirit. Think about it:

Weapons of flesh will react, weapons of the Spirit will respond.
Weapons of flesh will lash out. Weapons of the Spirit will reach out.
Weapons of flesh desire retribution. Weapons of the Spirit desire reconciliation.
Weapons of flesh will seek control. Weapons of the Spirit will seek influence.
Weapons of flesh will make demands. Weapons of the Spirit will make pleas.
Weapons of flesh will acuse. Weapons of the Spirit will accept.
Weapons of flesh will return hurt. Weapons of the Spirit will return grace.
Weapons of flesh will argue. Weapons of the Spirit will reason.

Here they are again: unconditional love, godly grace, intercessory prayer, God’s Word, and patient endurance.

Take hope, parent! If you are facing impossible circumstances and you feel hopeless and powerless—there is much you can do to fight a spiritual battle for your wayward child! God’s work is not finished in your child’s heart, and God’s Word is still powerful to change lives!

In reality, these weapons are effective in any broken or strained relationship. About the time you think there’s nothing you can do, about the time you want to over-react or fight in the flesh—these are the only weapons that can truly make a difference. May God give us wisdom to fight our relational battles in the wisdom of His Word and the power, and filling of His Holy Spirit.

The Preacher and His Family

Dr. Bud Calvert — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 01:02:15 +0000

I read an interesting book several years ago entitled Finishing Strong by Steve Farrar. He tells about a survey Dr. Howard Hendricks conducted of 246 men in full-time ministry who had experienced personal moral failure within a two-year period. In other words, Hendricks was able to find nearly 250 men who derailed within 24 months of each other. That’s roughly ten a month for two years—ten guys a month in moral failure. And each of them started strong. In the Christian life, it’s not how you start that matters. It’s how you finish.

These men were committed to Jesus Christ, yet within 24 months they were involved in sexual immorality. All of us can tell about men we have known who are now out of the ministry. I, for one, am not making light of it: rather I want to be warned by these statistics.

I have always loved the pastorate. I love ministering to people. But I also realize just how important my relationship with my wife and family is. 1 Timothy 3:2 says the preacher is to be “the husband of one wife.” Please allow me to make a few observations and suggestions for each of us to consider. Please note that I realize no one, myself included, is above the fiery darts of the Devil.

1. Don’t Make Your Wife a Widow While You Are Still Alive!

She must know how important she is to you.
Spend time with her. I heard one preacher say that he never takes a vacation. I thought, “You don’t need to confess your sins to me!”
Not taking a day off does not make you spiritual.

2. Fortify Yourself Against Unnecessary Attacks from the Flesh and the Devil

80% of the 246 men that Dr. Hendricks talked about started their affair with a counseling session.
Particularly those of you who do not have a staff, do not even think about counseling or meeting with a woman by yourself.
Do not ever have another woman in your car. Every staff member should know this rule.
Let the people know from the pulpit how madly in love with your wife you are. I make it a point to express a loving word to my wife from the pulpit at least once a month.

3. Resolve Your Problems Daily

In case you believe that marriages are made in Heaven, I would like to remind you that thunder, lightning, and hail are made in heaven as well!

As one therapist said it, “There are only two things that cause unhappy marriages: men and women.”

4. Become an Expert in Communicating

This is one of the most important ingredients in any marriage.

5. Never Stop Dating Your Wife

Dinner dates
Overnight excursions
Game time
Day off, etc.

6. Don’t Ever Take Your Wife for Granted

Remember what it was like when you were dating.

7. Teach or Preach a Series on the Home

8. Have a Couples Retreat

Remember that your church will be not stronger than your families.

9. Love Your Wife As Christ Loves the Church

This is easy to preach but extremely difficult to do. We have a never ending responsibility.

10. Provide for Your Family Financially

Make sure you save and plan for retirement.

11. Remember Your Family Includes Your Children

Treasure time with your kids—don’t lose them for the sake of the ministry. In my opinion, it’s not worth it.

Have family devotions.
Teach them doctrine.
Teach them godly living.
Help build the right convictions in your children—it’s too late once they go to college or get married.
Have fun with them.

May God help us to love and cherish our wives and children until Jesus returns to take us home.

20 Principles to Help Your Marriage

Dr. Mark Campbell — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 20:11:25 +0000

Each week as we celebrate the anniversaries of couples in our church, I am reminded once again about the wonder of marriage which God has created. All the way back in the Garden of Eden, God set up marriage as a vow before Him and a lifelong commitment between a man and woman. Marriage, when done in a biblical fashion and by a couple in the will of God, becomes a celebration of God’s wondrous plan.

I want to give you 20 wonderful principles concerning marriage which I pray will be a help and blessing to you:

1. A biblical marriage takes biblical people.

2. Marriage is not “50/50” but rather “100/100.”

3. Most problems in marriage come from trying to tackle problems without God’s help.

4. Christ is to be the head and foundation of the home.

5. The marriage will fail or succeed based on the couple’s walk with the Lord.

6. A couple must show respect to each other both in private and public.

7. Spending time together must be one of the highlights of your day.

8. Couples must show appreciation to one another.

9. Good, honest communication is vital to keeping the marriage strong.

10. The marriage relationship must reflect the love of Christ for His church.

11. A great help in your marriage is to “die to self.”

12. Keep a sense of humor. You may even have to laugh at yourself.

13. Thank God for the blessings which come your way.

14. It’s amazing how just going to church regularly will strengthen your marriage.

15. Always be affectionate.

16. When a couple is obedient to the Lord in tithing, God meets their needs.

17. Step out with faith in God together.

18. Make your home a place where “seldom is heard a discouraging word.”

19. Always be polite and kind to one another.

20. Pray for your spouse everyday.

Keeping Your First Ministry First

Gabriel Ruhl — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 15:10:33 +0000

Recently, on a Saturday morning, I went soulwinning with my three-year-old daughter, Annalene. As we knocked doors, she asked if her job could be to carry the tracts. After she managed carrying the tracts, she asked if she could ring the “ding bells” at each door. After she managed doing those two things, she asked if she could hand the tracts to the people as I invited them to church. About an hour into our soulwinning and with Annalene quite comfortable with her responsibilities, she told me, “Dad, I have an idea. Why don’t I get all of the ‘yes’ people and you get all of the ‘no’ people.” By this she meant that she should talk with all of the people home, and I should put a tract in all of the doors of people not home. Needless to say, we had a great time out soulwinning together.

Later that day, I was reflecting on the time that my daughter and I had shared together. I realized how grateful I am for the people in my life who taught me to make my family my first ministry. West Coast Baptist College trained us to keep our families first, but that is much easier said than done. Now that you are serving with your family whether it is on staff or as a layperson, you no doubt understand the challenge it is to keep your family as your first ministry. Allow me to share with you some things that were passed down to me by mentors in my life in this area:

Date your spouse once a week. Schedule it. What gets scheduled gets done.
Read a book on marriage with your spouse.
Attend couples’ retreats and seminars as often as you can. It is much easier to get a tune-up than an overhaul.
Spend one-on-one time with each of your children every week.
Have family devotions (we call them “special times”).
Serve with your family and involve them in ministry with you every chance you get.
Model a Spirit-filled life for your spouse and children.
Make big of the ministry and make it fun!

Noah did not have a lot to show by way of converts, but his whole family followed him. I certainly want fruit, but I refuse to lose my family! Keep your family as your number one ministry. You will be glad you did!

Parenting–Keeping it Fun!

Kurt Skelly — Fri, 09 Sep 2011 00:13:42 +0000

Too many people operate under the misconception that the Christian life is boring. Having been a child of God for over a quarter of a century, and having been a pastor for 18 years, I can assure you that the Christian life is anything but boring!

Have you noticed that our kids tend to love the things that we love? I’m a rabid Red Sox fan, so are my children. Our kids generally share our appreciation for avocations because they see in us (1) a passion for it, (2) a willingness to invest time in it, and (3) a sense of enjoyment because of it.

As a matter of fact, I never endeavored to formally “convert” my children into Red Sox fans. We never sat around the table for 15 minutes a night and read articles about the team. Nor did we memorize important statistics to be recited on queue. No, we kind of just talked about it a lot, and watched a lot of games, and played a lot of ball ourselves.

Too many parents make the mistake of compartmentalizing the Bible and Christian activity to certain predefined times and locations. Lest you misread, I am for faithfulness to church and its programs, and I am for a regimented devotional time with the kids, especially when they are younger. But I am concerned about the “going through the motions” way by which we often conduct these activities.

Let’s take devotions for instance: When our kids were small, our nightly regimen for devotions included three parts.

1. I would read a short Bible passage and then tell them the story in my own words. What could be more exciting than a blow-by-blow, acted-out narration of David and Goliath? How could any red-blooded American kid not enjoy the exploits of Samson or the courage of the three Hebrew boys? The problem is not with the Bible; it is with the lackluster way by which we approach and communicate it.

2. I would tell them a story about me when I was their age. Each night a different child could choose an age (typically they would select their own age), and I would tell them a story about my life when I was that age. They laughed uproariously as I shared my wetting-my-pants story when I was in third grade. With suspicion they questioned whether I really almost drowned when I was ten. We talked about tender moments like the time our dog died. We talked about joyful moments like the time our cat died. (Just kidding—lighten up!) You get the idea. “Dad is a real guy who was/is just like me, and God is a very real part of his life too.”

3. We would finish the night on a high note as I would tell them a story about four helpless children (I have four children) alone in a forest or cave or tent somewhere. The details would change nightly but the story would always end the same way: some monster/ogre/carnivorous animal would attack (tickle) and devour (hugs and kisses) its prey (my children).

The kids are not really kids anymore. Monster stories have been shelved until grandkids arrive. But I think they still know that Dad has a real God. I don’t think the Bible is boring to them. And hugs have not become passé.

God’s Design for the Home

Troy Calvert — Fri, 02 Sep 2011 23:19:46 +0000

From the first verse of the first chapter of the first book of the Bible we learn that our God is a master at design, able to create order out of chaos. What He has done for the universe, He has done for the home as well. God’s design for the home is a place where there is order and not chaos, a place where the man and the woman have responsibilities and obligations to one another as husband and wife. Following God’s design, it is more likely than not that we will be heard to say, “There’s no place like home!”

Let’s consider together, as a first and foundational matter, that the Bible instructs both the husband and the wife to live together in the fear of God in a condition of mutual submission (Ephesians 5:21). This is the very first admonition given through Paul as the Holy Spirit moved him to set out God’s design for the home. We all joke about the husband being the head of the home, but that the wife is the neck that turns the head. The truth behind the joke is that a head and a neck are both required to work in harmony together for the home to function! The balance of the passage in Ephesians describes God’s design for harmony in a household.

Does God desire for the man to be the head of the home? Absolutely, and the model the husband is to follow, the pattern for his behavior, is the headship of Christ over the Church. The best one word description of Christ’s headship, and therefore the husband’s, is sacrificial. God’s design for the husband in the home is for him to give of himself sacrificially to provide, to protect, to procreate, and to promote (to lead the family in and toward holiness).

What is God’s desire for the woman in the home? She is to come alongside her husband supportively. She is to be his helpmeet, his homemaker, and, as God blesses, a happy mother to their children. Notice that these are all support functions—just as it is the neck that supports the head of a body. Her role in God’s design for the home is no less important than the man’s—it is simply different.

I’ve spent a lot of time studying the Scriptures and the world God created for us, and there is one conclusion that I find inescapable. Men and women are different. It’s a surprise, I know, but it is true! God designed the man in such a way that what he needs more than anything from his wife is respect. The most important thing to a wife is that her husband gives her security. Every decision a man makes for his home needs to consider first the impact of that decision on his wife’s sense of security. As I provide for my wife, and my children, I must ensure that I do not become self-absorbed in the act of providing so that I forget for whom I am providing. Someone has said, “Don’t make your wife a widow while you are still alive.” Husband, your wife needs the security that comes from the certain knowledge that she is of paramount importance to you.

We read in Ephesians 5:22, “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.” How does a Christian submit unto the Lord? A Christian, and therefore also a wife, demonstrates submission through obedience. A wife’s purpose as a helpmeet is to seek after true oneness with her husband. To achieve this, she must seek to follow her husband’s leadership. Her failure to follow is interpreted by her husband as a lack of respect toward him. It should not be difficult for a wife to follow her husband if the man she is following is himself seeking to live in obedience to the same Lord she loves and obeys. He is modeling Christ. She gives him the respect he needs and desires when she obeys him in the same manner that she seeks to obey her Saviour and Lord.

Clearly, it is impossible to have a home patterned after God’s perfect design unless the husband and wife are both born again, and beyond that, seeking the filling of the Holy Spirit daily. Christian homes are to be places of calm, not chaos. When the husband and wife give all of themselves to the task of living holy before God, it will be true that there’s no place on earth like the Christian home.

4 Focuses of Effective Parents

Cary Schmidt — Tue, 19 Jul 2011 18:23:22 +0000

I love being a parent! If you have children, I hope you do too! We live in a culture that divides the home—if not physically, then relationally. A casual look at many American families would lead you to conclude that parents don’t like their children, and children don’t like their parents. From parents who neglect family time for work or personal interests, to kids who hole up in their bedrooms to “hang out” on Facebook—it appears that some families do everything possible to avoid each other. I challenge you to resist—to reverse this trend. Like a fish swimming upstream, choose to develop your family differently.

Effective parents fight the trends and keep family first. They focus on biblical priorities, and draw clear boundaries around their home life. They fight for closeness, for transparency, and for strong relationships. They understand their mission and embrace it with biblical understanding and clarity. In the next few paragraphs, I’d like to share four values that I see in effective parents. These are values I’m still learning and developing, but I’ve seen them often in the lives of parents who have effectively raised their children for the Lord. What do effective parents do well?

Effective Parents Delight in Their Children

Proverbs 3:12 states, “For whom the LORD loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth.” Again the Bible says in Proverbs 29:17, “Correct thy son, and he shall give thee rest; yea, he shall give delight unto thy soul.” It’s easy when reading those verses to focus on the correction or discipline, and miss the delight! Do you delight in your children? Do they know that you delight in them?

The word “delight” means “to be pleased with, to have favor toward, and to accept.” Delight shows up in a warm smile, words of praise, sincere admiration, accepting laughter, physical affection, and personal affirmation. Delight delights! You can’t imagine how your delight delights your child’s heart. Having your approval and acceptance is one of their deepest longings in life.

If you delight in your children, you will like them. You will enjoy them. You will laugh with them. You will relax with them. You will “hang out” with them and treasure every moment. You will photograph them, video them, praise them, and pray for them. It’s impossible to hide delight. Delighting in your children involves planning family fun, budgeting family fun, saving energy for family at the end of a busy workday, noticing the right things they do, and making a big deal of success. Effective parents always delight in their children, and children find it much easier to receive correction from a parent who truly delights in them.

Effective Parents Disciple Their Children

Deuteronomy 6:7 gives every parent a tall order— “And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.” This passage speaks to parents of teaching and training our children in the ways of the Lord. God’s command is that our relationship should be one of constant discipleship—constantly explaining and making sense of God’s laws and the principles of Scripture.

It’s easy to miss teaching opportunities. It’s easy to dismiss them for fear that we don’t know what to say. It’s easy to ignore the promptings of the Holy Spirit moment by moment. But effective parents embrace this role. They see themselves as the perpetual mentor of these young lives. They see every day as a new teaching opportunity. And they are constantly shining the light of biblical truth upon every circumstance of life—helping their children to authentically develop a biblical world view.

Discipleship requires time and intentional training. It makes all of life a classroom, welcomes any question, and brings God’s principles into practical application. Discipleship determines to have even the toughest conversations and difficult talks that most parents would rather avoid. Discipling parents don’t leave their kids alone to struggle with any topic or temptation. They prepare them. They train them. The preempt the wicked one with deliberate and focused teaching in every important matter of life. They recognize that kids can handle the truth when it comes from a compassionate, nurturing parent.

If you wonder what to teach your kids, I challenge you to do a few things. First, read good parenting books. These books will fill your heart with subjects and principles to transfer. Second, consider what you struggled with at their ages—the things you wish someone had talked to you about—and then go for it. Finally, consider where they are in life and what’s coming next, and prepare them. Look at the road ahead for the next couple of years and help them know what’s around the next bend. Give them biblical principles that will help them know how to think and how to respond.

Dad, have you talked to your son about the struggles of his particular age, coping with crushes, the development of sexual desires, the changes of the teen years, what God might be preparing him to do, what his biggest burdens are in life right now, how he is struggling spiritually right now, how to navigate tough things like friendships and the teen social scene, how to be a spiritual leader, how to take a stand, how to rely on God for help in every area of life, how to use the internet safely, etc.?

Dad and Mom, have you talked with your daughter about physical changes she will experience, why she should value her body and be modest, how to avoid the world’s message of making her appearance all important, dealing with sexual issues, relationships and friendships with opposite gender, seeking to honor God in appearance and behavior, dealing with peers and pressure, asking God for help in every area of life, what God is preparing her for, what her gifts and strengths are, becoming virtuous, staying pure, etc.?

If they don’t receive the truth from you, your children are exponentially more susceptible to deception! Effective parents always disciple their children.

Effective Parents Develop Their Children

Ephesians 6:4 teaches, “And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” The command is to “bring them up”—to nourish them to maturity. Yes, this includes discipling them spiritually, but it also includes developing them practically. The state of the family today lends to neglect, which lends to teenagers merely vegetating their way through life—playing video games, skateboarding, facebooking, and generally just hanging out.

Effective parents seek to involve their children in opportunities that will grow and prepare them for life. They minimize things that merely distract or entertain. They limit video games, movies, TV, and social networking; and they maximize opportunities for growth, service, and the development of personal gifts and abilities. Effective parents constantly ask themselves—is this child developing or vegetating?

Developing our children requires discernment of their gifts, interests, and abilities. It involves the sacrifice of finances and time to support those gifts. It involves patient investment over years, but the commitment is always worth it!

Effective Parents Discipline Their Children

Proverbs 19:18 states, “Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying.” Discipline is the process of bringing my child’s behavior into obedience to the Heavenly Father—teaching my child to live in submission to the authority of God and His Word. It is not merely controlling or modifying my child’s behavior. It is not punishment for doing wrong. It is not limiting the embarrassment that my child causes me in public. Authentic, biblical discipline is chastening, which involves nurture and training. It’s is always developmental and motivated by selfless love.

Effective discipline should always be restorative rather than punitive. In other words, it’s motivated by a desire to restore the heart not merely punish it. Effective discipline should always flow from an obedient, humble heart—not an angry frustrated one. In other words, I discipline my children because God commands me to, not because they anger me. Finally, effective discipline should include prayer and Scripture. The end of a discipline moment should include affection, expressions of love, and a transparent moment before the Lord in prayer together.

Probably the biggest mistake parents make today regarding discipline is that they are too tired to deal with it! Real, biblical discipline takes energy, time, and training. It’s easier to send them to their room, ground them, and forget about it. Effective parents don’t operate this way. When we are too tired to engage in biblical discipline, we are saying “Go ahead and destroy yourself… I don’t care.”

So there you have it—the job description of a biblical parent in four statements, even alliterated! The effective parents that I have watched over the years—those with a track record of success—always had these four focuses in place. They delighted in their children. They discipled their children. They developed their children. And they disciplined their children.

Now here’s your assignment. Sometime in the next few days, sit down with your spouse in a quiet moment. Read through this article together, and evaluate. Ask yourself, “How am I doing?” Then determine to make some changes or improvements. Decide to make these four focuses a reality in your parenting this week!

This article originally appeared in The Baptist Voice.