Minnesota JoY

Sometimes you just have to scream for HEEEEELLLLPPP!!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 19:10:00 +0000

I've never made the state of my mental health a secret. If you've been here before then you understand why.

So now, in the interest of full disclosure I will tell you that we are struggling. Stresses at home and work, kids that don't sleep and have their own one and three-ness to deal with, worries with my husband's family (please pray for strength and wisdom for caregivers and peace and patience for us). The never ending CRUD that keeps hitting our family in the form of some super-virus, causing missed work and wages and school and stress to everyone else that must deal with our family not being on our game.

My depression and anxiety are running amok around here and I need to figure out how to shoot them in the butt with a tranquilizer dart so I can stuff them in a crate bound for Tanzania.

One consistent problem I have is asking for help when I need it. I just can't do it. I try but it makes me feel needy and annoying. I mean seriously? You all have your own lives so why should you have to take time to take on some of my load too? Sheesh.

I don't have family that I can go to to ask for support. There's never been grandmas or grandpas on my side to pick up the slack or have sleepovers on weekends and such. Brad does have parents that he shares with two other siblings and it's not practical or convenient for us to ask them to babysit. Two of our kids are the two youngest and very active and most prone to neediness. Dave also has health issues so we don't want to bring the kids over if they are sniffly or sneezy or coughing (which is often) because a minor illness to us can cause major issues for Dave and his health.

Brad and I have had one "date night" in the past year when a very special person agreed to drive for an hour to come sit with the kids so that we could go into town for a dinner and a movie. Prior to that, we had a night when I was hugely pregnant with Harper and I had my class reunion. We had one other attempt but Harper ended up screaming the whole time so we came home early.

If you are doing the math, that's a total of 1 failed attempt at date night, 1 dinner/movie, and 1 class reunion with the huge pregnant woman in at least 3 years - and only one of those actually lasted overnight.

So, here's what we need: Someone we know, who is relatively local and someone we trust, to say, "Hey guys! We'd love to take the kids some Saturday night so you and Brad could go out. Heck, let's make it a sleepover! You can come get them around lunchtime on Sunday. We'd love to have all four of them. Heck, having the older two (who are 12 and 16) would make it easy as pie to have the two little ones! How's the next couple of weekends looking for you? I want to get a date on the calendar! We can't wait to spoil your little darlings!!"

...ok, so it would not have to be verbatim but you get the idea. We need a night to ourselves, with the option of having a night to ourselves on a somewhat regular basis (meaning more than once every three years) if everyone is happy with the arrangement. I'd even be willing to reciprocate in some manner. Food, babysitting, yard work...I'D EVEN LEARN TO KNIT YOU A SWEATER IF THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES!!!

*ahem* Sorry about that. Little stressed.

Anyway...

You guys know we love our kids. We adore them. But now and again, everyone deserves time to themselves. If I am lucky enough to get that time, a bathtub full of hot water and bubbles and a book are in my future. I need to be able to just look at my husband for a little bit of time and know that we are only responsible for each other for a set period of time. Food, sleep and sex might be involved. Right now I'd be thrilled for sleep and so would Brad. Ask him, he'd sure tell you. ;)

My shrink has also pretty much put her foot down and told me that this is SOMETHING I NEED TO DO.

I really need these things to maintain healthy sanity. We all do. Just so happens that my needs are screaming at me at 2am in harmony with the teething baby lying right next to me. Doesn't allow for much sleeping, and no sleeping tends to, you guessed it, make me more depressed and anxious.

So, let me know of any ideas that you have to help us with our dilemma. We'd at the end of our fraying rope.

Love,

Happy Birthday Harper

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 19:43:00 +0000

(Just Write Week 17 but 4 for me)

My baby girl is one today. MY BABY GIRL IS ONE TODAY. Her age can now be measured in years instead of months or weeks. I'm not ready for this.

She is my last baby. Never again will I be pregnant. Never again will I give birth or bring a baby home to introduce to older siblings. Never again will I fold tiny little newborn clothes or sniff my own baby's new little newborn head. No more first smiles, or first laughs or first time rolling over. No more tiny little wrinkly newborn feet. No more days of nursing a drowsy little quiet baby. No more tiny little diapers and socks so small they get lost easily.

My tiny baby is turning into this big...and LOUD...and joyously busy little girl. She looks so long when she falls asleep on her daddy. Those chubby little legs aren't so little anymore - now they reach much further down his body than they did before. Her weight in my arms is so much more than it was. The days of her being a baby are almost gone. I'm not ready for this.

I'm not ready for her to be big.

Someone told me that when it comes to kids, "the days are long but the years are short". So, so true.

Right about this time a year ago, I was sitting at work and the contractions started. I called my husband to come get me from work. We went to the hospital and Harper came a few hours later.

I can't believe it's already been a year.

I love you my sweet girl. Mama loves you so very very much.

Happy Birthday.

Nanny Diaries - Guest Post by Katie

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 02:11:00 +0000

Every once in awhile I wish we could afford a nanny. With four kids I never feel like I get anything done the way that I want. Mostly I would want the nanny to play with the kids so I could take a nap. Hehee!

I met Katie on Twitter awhile back and she'd be the first one I would call if I ever win that lottery. Please welcome her to the blog.

Nanny Diaries
Job Ad: MUST BE A MORNING PERSON!
MUST BE 100% RELIABLE!
MUST HAVE YOUR OWN RELIABLE TRANSPORTATION!

Late summer 2011 I had a phone call from a Twitter friend of mine asking if I would be interested in being a nanny for Marissa (7 yr old) M-F 8-9.30am. I would spend one hour and 5ish minutes with her working on homework, playing, reading, or practicing spelling then drop her off at school. I immediately said yes! Every morning was different and sometimes would be challenging or easy. There would be days where she didn’t want to finish her homework or practice her spelling words – then I would just give her the silent treatment. It has always worked for me in the past – and sure enough when there isn’t anything for her to do – she will say sorry to me  . Recently in December I had the opportunity to take out both Marissa and Lindsey downtown Minneapolis to see the Macy’s holiday display – was so comical on the bus ride home – a guy was sitting across from us and said something on the lines “your children look just like you” – I immediately said they aren’t mine – but in some way I was flattered. I want to have children just haven’t find the right match yet.
Reflection
I love being a nanny! Though I know it won’t turn into a full time job – I am glad to be helping out their family. From an only child perspective it makes me feel like I have another sibling – that I never had. Also on the other lines mother types figure possibly? I see so many women in late 20s and early 30s with kids I just kind of feel left out a bit.
Resources for Parents
Are you a parent in need of extra ‘help’ and could use someone to take care of the kids and run errands? Do you want to find a ‘Safe’ alternative to posting ads? Well, I have two great FREE/low cost online websites that are 100% credible and safe. I practically use them to get my entire nanny, babysitting and pet sitting jobs.

Sittercity provides a great way for parents to connect with caregivers by posting job openings. Once a caregiver responds the parent can reply or not but they have the access to references and can request a background check. They are pretty much in every major city. Sign up and get the first week free – also they provide options for memberships as well. I have never had a problem with their services and I love their website!
Care.com is another great site for parents to use when searching for a caregiver. Just like Sittercity parents can post job ads and screen which applicants they are interested in. They also can request for background checks, reviews, etc. There aren’t many differences between the sites – just it seems on Care there is a blog provided and on Sittercity they provide free memberships for military families.

About Katie Little
Katie is currently looking for employment in the social media industry. At the moment she currently is a nanny for a 1st grader and babysits for 6 families. She holds a graduate degree in leadership and management with a focus on social media and leadership from York St. John University in York, England. Katie’s strong background in customer relations, communications and leadership has contributed to her many successes. In her spare time Katie caters to the whims of many canine companions through her business Your Puppy Nanny where she provides “loving care for when you’re not there…”

Goodbye 2011

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 16:10:00 +0000

Today is my last day of work before the new year. It is very quiet around here and I'm probably one of about ten people who didn't take this week off. Having The Sickness traveling around our house depleted my vacation time pretty quickly. Luckily, everyone seems to finally be feeling better and we'll have a nice long weekend to spend together.

I've spent a lot of time this week thinking about this past year. So much has happened:

Harper was born
#HarperSnugglesTweetUp
Donated breast milk for a family that adopted a baby
BlogLove Conference
Harper started a blog :)
My father-in-law Dave had LVAD surgery and then a stroke
MN Slumber Party - met new lovely bloggy friends
onset of PPD and anxiety
Wrote a blog post about postpartum anger and got huge response
Tree fell in our yard and took out our power lines
Dave's LVAD failed and had to be replaced
MNBlogCon
#BlueBloggers
Participated in Stomp Out Stigma (at work)
Five year wedding anniversary
I Am Angry post about Penn State and my abuse past
Interview on the 10pm news about being a child sexual abuse survivor
You Make Me Brave post becomes Editor's Pick on BlogHer
Added BlogHer ads to blog to raise funds for abuse prevention
New boss at work
Probably lots of other things that I forgot about...LOL

My wish for 2012 is that it is much less eventful than 2011. So many good things happened but I'm just fine with things being a little boring around here.

Love you guys very much. Thanks for all of the support and love that you've given me this year.

Target Nurse-In But I'm Not There

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 13:30:00 +0000

Today is the big day. A nurse-in is scheduled at 10am this morning for Target stores nationwide due to a mama being hassled while breastfeeding her baby. I, however, will not be there. The sickness hit my family hard, so hard that I didn't have any vacation to take the time off to go.

The two littles went down, then Harper continued to be sick to a degree that I started worrying seriously enough that we took her in to see the doc and had tests.) I got it and was down for days, Brad got a mild version. Luckily we all felt better by Christmas, which was awesome by the way.

Anyway, we are all still alive and kicking and I am hoping to get my blogging mojo back soon. I miss you guys.

Love,

Target (Allegedly) Does Not Support Breastfeeding in Public??

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 19:45:00 +0000

I got a note from a friend of mine today that alerted me to a situation in Texas. A mom in a Target store was allegedly harassed by multiple Target employees while she was breastfeeding her infant. When she called to complain at their corporate headquarters she was told (again allegedly) that "Target has different policies because they are a family friendly public place". I'm attempting to confirm the validity of this story.

Regardless of story's accuracy, there is now a nurse in scheduled internationally that is to take place ant all Targets on October 28 at 10am local time. I called my local Target and was informed that they support breastfeeding in their store and had not heard about the situation with the Texas mom and had also not heard of any plans for a nurse in at Target.

The story is below and I have joined the closed group on Facebook that is organizing the nurse in. As far as I can see, people in multiple states plan to participate.

I'll blog more as I get more information.

Anyone interested in going to a Target in Rochester on the 28th? ;)

International Nurse in at Target Stores Dec 28 10am local time

I'm not the best public speaker or the most educated or outspoken person in breastfeeding rights but I am a mom of 4 who has been harassed and humiliated by Target for nursing by infant in their store. I was Christmas shopping with a basket full of items when my infant woke up hungry, so I found a remote area of the store in the ladies clothing department close to the fitting rooms and sat Indian style on the floor next to my basket and a display of jeans and nursed my hungry baby with a blanket completely covering him. Briefly I will say that 2 women employees came and verbally asked me to move. The 2nd one told me that Target employees had been told/trained to interrupt nursing and to redirect mothers to the fitting rooms. Even after I informed the 2nd employee of my legal right to nurse in public she still suggested me moving closer to the jean display, turning to face another direction, and also turn my basket a certain way which would have put me practically underneath the jean display and totally barricaded me in. Employee #2 even said in a hint around but threatening way you can get a ticket and be reported for indecent exposure when nothing was being exposed and there was more boob showing from low cut shirts several shoppers were wearing that night. This does not include the other 3-4 employees besides the 2 verbal ones who were all watching and making a spectacle of my nursing by walking by standing around pretending to do something and giving me mean looks and shaking their heads no back and forth. In a side note not a single non-employee customer ever saw the incident so I'm not sure why the employees were trying to act like I was offending "the public" and that it was their job to step in.

After I left the store I decided to call the Target corporate office and speak to a guest relations person to notify them of the situation and to suggest that they educate their employees as to the legal right I have to nurse in public. The phone call however took a turn for the worse. The lady (I wish I would have gotten her name) told me that she and Target were aware of our legal rights as nursing mothers, but that Target has different policies because they are a family friendly public place. I can't think of a more family friendly act than breastfeeding and providing the irrefutably proven healthiest diet to my baby. She continued to inform me repetitively that Target's policies were different than the law and even went as far to say several times that just because it is a woman's right to nurse in public even without a nursing cover like I was using doesn't mean women should walk around and I quote "flaunting it" and was extremely rude. I also talked to the supervisor of this rude lady and that didn't get anywhere either.

It saddens me that mothers are being treated this way as if breastfeeding is vile and offensive. If this would have happened to me with the first child I nursed I would have considered giving up on nursing due to embarrassment and that is what concerns me the most. I know that breastmilk is best and that nursing is hard work and a selfless act that mothers choose to do for their babies, and I would hate for this to happen to someone else causing them to give up on nursing. Please help me support the best nutrition for babies and to make a stand in support of nursing in public so this doesn't happen again.

Michelle Hickman, Friendswood, TX tm_hickman@sbcglobal.net

Reposted with permission from a post on CafeMom.

Wandering

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 15:59:00 +0000

Today I left a little piece of myself away from home. It feels good to wander out in the world and let negative things go to so that I can make room for more good things.

(You'll have to go searching if you want to find my words though. Some may have seen them already as they were posted on another site awhile back but I decided to cross-post so that hopefully those words could be helpful to more people.)

Hope is a good thing. I try to have as much of it as I can. :)

Life right now:

Harper is walking and making more word-like sounds.
Jamie is sassy and argumentative but also tells me I'm his best friend so there is that. *melt*
Katy is helpful and sweet (and sometimes not very listen-y).
Laura is preparing to go to New York with her school band and often makes us laugh with her irreverence.
Brad and I are tired as we apparently make babies that do not sleep.
Christmas shopping is pretty much done but nothing is wrapped.
The tree is up but no ornaments are on it.
Blog ads are officially live and I've made a few pennies even. (27 cents to be exact.) :)

I think that about covers it for now. I'll be uploading video of my walking girl on her blog soon so keep an eye out for that.

Love you guys.

No Limits

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 00:04:00 +0000

I've been hibernating. The cold has officially taken over Minnesota and this is the time of the year when I tend to draw inward a bit more and hide.

Hearing more and more about Penn State and all of other the awful things people do to each other every day just makes me want to shut off the world and take a nap.

Sorry I haven't been around much. I'm working on finding that fine line between sharing my stories and completely baring my soul. I'm finding that I'm a little more emotionally fragile than I thought. I visited with my therapist and got my head screwed on a little straighter and think I'm feeling ready.

I was on the computer tonight and ran across a clip about The 5 Browns, a very talented family from Utah. If you haven't heard of them, here you go:

Now here is the story I saw. I think there was a reason I needed to see it today:

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

I have so much respect for this family for sharing their story with such grace and bravery. They have started an organization called The Foundation for Survivors of Abuse.The focus of this organization is to “provide hope, encouragement and empowerment to survivors of abuse everywhere by working to remove the statute of limitations for crimes of sexual abuse.”

My abuser was never prosecuted for his crimes because the statute of limitations had expired in the states where the abuse occurred. I went through this agonizing process of disclosure, only to be told that there was nothing that could be done. I believe that people who sexually abuse children should pay for their crimes no matter how long it takes to catch them and no matter how long it takes for the survivors to find the courage to come forward.

I'll be doing more research about the FSA but am pretty sure that this is the organization that will be receiving donations as a result of my blog advertising. Today is also the day that I officially install the code to start the advertising on my blog. Reading the story of the Brown family is what gave me the encouragement to step forward and make a difference.

Never Thought I'd Do It

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 16:43:00 +0000

You'll be seeing some changes 'round here in these parts very soon. I'm doing something I never thought I'd do. I'm putting advertising on mah blog. Now, before you think I'm going to get too big in my britches, I'm doing it for a reason. After the Penn State stuff came up I ended up doing LOTS of things I never thought I'd do...as you probably have noticed. *ahem*

So I decided to do something to try to make a difference. I am currently looking for an organization that supports sexual abuse victims. I plan to support that organization with some of the proceeds of the ads. (I say 'some' because I actually pay for my hosting and custom domain name now and would like the blog to be 'self-sufficient' if possible.

So anyway, yeah. If you know of a good and reputable organization that would appreciate some donations will you let me know? And if you don't know of anyone but would like to help? Nag at me to blog more.

Thanks. :)

Still Traveling From Blog to Blog

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 13:25:00 +0000

Hello lovely ones. I have run away from home again. Katie from Sluiter Nation has gone and made me of of her Sluiter Nation Recruits. I cannot possibly tell you how honored I feel about this. When I look at the list of other recruits and see my name on there, I feel unworthy but very blessed. Please go to my post on Sluiter Nation and give us some love, yes?

Also, thank you my friends. Knowing you read my words is making me feel especially thankful today. I know how busy we all are and knowing you take time out of your day to allow me to share my thoughts and feelings with you is truly humbling. You truly do make me brave.

Posting Away From Home

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 22:46:00 +0000

Danielle was kind enough to let me say a few words in her corner of the internet today. Please visit me over there and say hi.

Love,

Facing Fears

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 18:36:00 +0000

I've been hitting some heavy stuff here in my little corner of the web lately. Took the weekend off and two of my lovely friends picked up the slack for me. I'm back and wanted to share something that happened today and lighten things up a bit.

"But Jo, the title of this blog post doesn't seem very light to me. I'm confused."

Welcome to my world - where confusion runs rampant and minds change in the blink of an eye. *blink*

Anyhoo...facing fears doesn't always have to be this deep and cathartic thing. Sometimes it can be something simple, like what I did today.

"What did you do today Jo?"

How kind of you to ask! I did something that I've been putting off for years. I've been in the grip of this horrible fear since I was seventeen years old and decided it was time to take my life back.

In high school, I went on this trip. I can't remember what it was for or anything but one part in particular has never left my memory. We were gone all day so we ate lunch away from our school, which was exciting because do you REMEMBER school lunches? *shudder* Anyway, we got to have lunch at this 'food-court-like' place and I was in the mood for chicken. I went to this place that had chicken and rice. It smelled good so I got some. Turns out it was chock full of curry, as Indian cuisine tends to be and I about choked to death. I'd never had Indian food before and apparently I hate curry.

I was unable to finish my meal and had used the last of my money so I spent the rest of the day hungry and fairly ill-tempered. Eating is one of my favorite activities and not being able to it was very annoying. Plus being hungry makes me crabby.

For the last *ahem* twenty years or so, I have avoided Indian food and anything containing curry like the plague. That spicy, burning-in-your-nose taste and sensation...EWWWW.

Today I ended all of that. There is this restaurant near my work that people have been raving about for a long time. I decided that the woman who can do the things that I have done in the past week? She can certainly give this curry-filled food another shot. I asked the very kind lady who was serving to pick out some things and explained that I was not a big curry fan. (To her credit she did not laugh out loud right in my face.) She put a big selection of things into my carry-out box and explained what each thing was so that I knew what I was eating. She wished me luck and sent me on my way.

I came back to my desk and immediately dove in. (Make a note, trying new foods works best when you are starving...makes you a bit more open-minded.) I ate the following items:

chicken tikka masala

dal makhani

lemon rice

saag paneer

mixed vegetable curry

vada

(and this wonderful flat-bread thingy)

Attribution

Verdict? I loved it. The chicken tikka masala was my favorite and the vada was ...just ok but I'd be willing to have each of those things again. The mixed vegetable curry was a bit too 'curry-ish' for me but I'd still eat it. I loved the lemon rice and the dal makhani was delicious too. I can't wait to try some traditional Indian desserts. I'm hearing good things about those too.

I learned a valuable lesson. Avoiding things just means you spend way too much time not having something you could have been enjoying all along. I'm learning that more and more day by day.

I'm still not eating raw onions (YUCK) any time soon though. I have my limits and who wants to eat something they hate and have smelly breath too? NO THANKS.

Guest Post: 83 Months

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 16:31:00 +0000

Please welcome my good friend Veronica to my blog today. She is the very first Twitter doula and she supported me online and on the phone during my pregnancy with Harper. (Her husband used to also work with mine but we actually met when she commented on my blog. Small world eh?) I love her to bits and I just know you'll love her too.

83 months. For the last 83 months of my life, I have been pregnant or nursing. Now, as of Monday night, my streak has ended, and I can come clean. I nursed my first, a girl, until she was 27 months old, and I nursed my son until he was just over 38 months old. That is 65 months of breastfeeding. I can hardly believe it myself, even typing out the number. When my daughter was born, I wasn’t planning to be the rare mom to be doing any extended breastfeeding. I was overwhelmed, not always the most supported, and a little naïve as to how much work it could be. But I am also a REALLY stubborn person. So while those weren’t always the easiest 65 months, I did make it through all of them. And I learned a lot in the process.

I learned that, despite the “Breast is Best” message, there are a lot of things you have to fight against to make it to that one year mark. No, forget that. It’s hard to make it to 6 months in most circumstances. My daughter was born nursing well, but I had useless support in the hospital after that. Most of the nurses shrugged at me when I asked questions. One nurse was outright hostile. I did have one nurse, a new mom herself, who was passionate about breastfeeding. She sat with me for an hour, helped me figure out what to do, and got me back in the groove. I met her again last year. I thanked her, through tears, for that little bit of time she spent with me. For her, it was another day’s work, but to me, it was exactly what I needed. I was blessed over the years to have other wise women guide me, but she was the first to show any confidence in me.

I leaned that many care providers really don’t know a lot about breastfeeding. Every check up, I would answer my daughter’s doctor’s questions about her feedings as he furiously would scribble notes. As the months wore on, he grew more and more perplexed that I was still breastfeeding. He wasn’t ever negative, but he grew less positive as the months wore on. (“You’re still breastfeeding? Ah, Okay.”) Finally, after she turned a year, I kept mum about her still breastfeeding. So after we moved and after my son was born, I specifically chose a pediatrician who had “Breastfeeding” listed under her interests. She was great. I probably wasn’t going to need her help (I became a Certified Lactation Counselor while pregnant with my son), but I WAS NOT going to have a doctor that I had to hide breastfeeding from.

I learned that social pressure makes a difference. There were a couple of other women in my pre-baby life that had their first kids a couple months before my daughter was born. By the time she was born, one mom had already given up breastfeeding, and the other just complained a lot about it. My co-workers, other friends without kids could be very hostile to my feeding choices. My work environment became so hostile to my need to pump, I eventually quit before she was a year old. There was one mom, though, whom I met in my childbirth class (really the ONLY good thing to come out of that class) who was also breastfeeding, and we hung out. We made it through all the hurdles together. I can honestly say that without her I never would have made it past a year. We even cheered each other on to the 2 year mark! Extended breastfeeding is often quite lonely, but it was a journey we walked together.

I learned that second babies are easier, but no guarantees. My son was a breastfeeding gourmand. He LOVED to eat, and it showed. He was all fat, it seemed! So while we never had latch or supply issues, we did hit other problems. I had mastitis TWICE. Though I knew exactly what to do, it still wasn’t fun. He had 2 huge nursing strikes, one while we were away from home (and away from my pump). That was interesting, but we made it. And weaning was also harder this time—it took the promise of a new bike to get my preschooler to stop nursing.

The most important thing I learned is that, for all of its troubles, breastfeeding two children was hands down my most cherished part of being a mother. I hate pregnancy. I don’t mind birth, but I love, love nursing babies. I so miss the closeness. I miss their tiny little hands holding the straps of my bra. I miss the smiles they gave me when they looked at me during a feeding. And while we will always have that bond all mothers have, I will never again be able to look down and know that my body was their sole source of nourishment and life. No part of parenthood is easy. There are no shortcuts. But for 60+ months, I was a breastfeeding mom. I am not anymore, and I will eventually be OK with that.

Veronica lives in the Twin Cities with her husband, two kids, and a dog. She has been blessed to walk the parenthood path with many, many families over the last 5 years as a Certified Birth Doula, Lamaze Childbirth Educator, Certified Lactation Counselor, and Child Passenger Safety Technician. She is also the co-owner of BabyLove, a Childbirth Education studio in Eagan that offers a variety of classes to parents, both new and experienced. She believes every parent deserves great information and fantastic support through pregnancy, birth and beyond.

You can find Veronica on Twitter @vsjacobsen. She also blogs on her BabyLove site.

Guest Post: The Life and Emotions of an Immigrant

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 02:38:00 +0000

I vowed to take the weekend 'off' from the blog because I've done quite a bit of heavy lifting here lately. I put out a call for volunteers to write guest posts and (to my surprise) got quite a few responses right away!

My guest blogger for today is one of the reasons that I love Twitter so much. She is loving and supportive and just an all-around wonderful person. Debbie can be found on Twitter at @debbiemc18 or on her blog Africa's Blog.

I am not sure how it is for every immigrant, as everyone’s story is different, where they came from, what they have endured, are they leaving their homelands as refugees or as individuals who have being granted the right to live in another country and hopefully make a better future for themselves.
My story is this, I left South Africa to play ice hockey, along with that came the ability to attend college in the United States. Well really it was attending school that allowed me to play hockey here but I always said jokingly (I think) to my parents that I was coming to America to play hockey and get an education on the side.

Twelve years later, with a green card in hand, I still live and work here in the United States, in MN to be exact. I am no longer a resident of South Africa; I am a permanent resident of the United States of America. What does even mean, besides for the obvious, that I can live here permanently?
It means that I am a first generation immigrant; I have chosen to leave behind, my heritage, my country, my home, my family and along with all that a part of my identity! None of this fully sunk in for me until I received that green card in the mail in September. What should have being a joyous occasion, I mean I had been waiting for it for over 6 years, was actually a day that made me realize, realize that I really didn’t belong!! I no longer belonged to South Africa (besides for the green passport I still carry) and I don’t really belong to the USA, I can only work here, not vote, not do anything else bestowed only upon citizens, so I really don’t belong anywhere!!

Along with ‘giving up’ so much comes endless amounts of heartache, that if you ask me never go away, and I’m not sure I would want it to go away as that would mean I no longer love and miss all that I left behind. Don’t get me wrong, I know I made this decision for myself, I mean I DID choose this, I pursued the hockey, the college hockey and therefore the amazing education I received which lead to great employment opportunities and that along with continuing to better myself, by obtaining my CPA and CMA certifications, has created a career for me here, a future if you will, a better future, I believe, then I’d have had otherwise. However, along with all the positives remains the hurt, the heartache, and the constant ‘what ifs’, what if I stayed in South Africa, what if I pursued my education then went home, what if, what if…………

I’ll never have any answers to those what ifs so I attempt to push them out of my mind and rather focus on the positives of all I have accomplished, all I can still accomplish and all my life now holds for me in the United States.

I am thankful, thankful that I chose the route to immigration at the young age I did, that I did not involve children in this process, that with any amount of luck my children will not know the aching, the longing, the emptiness I sometimes feel when I realize I left everything behind me. Of course with this comes the fact that my children will not fully know my heritage, where I come from, our family back in South Africa, what we did for fun as kids, and why I laugh at South African humor that you can only understand if you’ve lived there. Nonetheless, I am still thankful that I can provide a better, safer future for my children, and I will strive to teach them everything I can about where I come from, who their family is on the other side of the ocean and I hope instill in them the fact that although I left the land of my birth, I am in fact PROUDLY SOUTH AFRICAN, and I always will be.

I Am Not Giving Up

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 15:08:00 +0000

Yesterday, I got this email in my inbox:

Dear Jo,

Thank you so much for sharing your story on BlogHer.com – I’m so glad it was able to reach so many people.

I’d like to feature your follow-up post today on the homepage of BlogHer.com.

There were more things in the message. I know there were, but I was too busy almost falling out of my chair to read them. Julie from BlogHer was very kind. We messaged back and forth, getting the details ironed out. Now, all I have to do is look at the homepage to see my image and my words. I am so stunned y'all.

Click on the picture above to go to homepage

I just this second received a Facebook comment from my foster brother from when I was in high school. He said, "Thoughtful, generous, and brave. Great work on this and your Fox News piece, Jo!"

Needless to say, I am in tears (again).

I cannot possibly tell you all how much your words and support and love have meant to me these last few days. I just don't have the words.

I keep hearing from everyone about how brave I am. I have a confession to make - I'm really not so brave. I'm scared to death. But more than that? I am ANGRY. So very angry that yet more children have been through these horrible experiences. People had a chance to do something about it but instead literally walked away when they could have made the most difference.

Someone from work asked me yesterday if I wanted to be a writer. You know what? I really don't. I say what is on my mind and if a few people find it useful than I'm happy. If you read one of my posts and know that you are not alone in the world? It makes my day.

Another thing I really don't want to be is an activist. I am passionate about the things that matter to me: birth, family, breastfeeding, mental health and being able to live the life you were meant to live. But, I really don't want to be the 'poster child' for anything. I just want to offer quiet support when it is needed.

Unfortunately, I'm not sure if I necessarily have a choice about being a writer, or an activist for that matter. The boys that were assaulted at Penn State? The kids that are hurting all over our country and world because they are being hurt by the very people that should be protecting them? The children that are being abused and neglected and ignored by the system and the people around them who know but do nothing? They don't have a voice. They can't stand up and say STOP IT. They can't protect themselves.

We have to protect them.

So if that means that I have to continue to shout from the rooftops? I will. If that means I need to show my face and talk about my abuse? I'll do that too. If that means I have to keep writing these words and sharing these stories? So be it.

I am not giving up.

P.S. Some of you have expressed concern that I am taking care of myself during all of this. Please don't worry. I am doing ok. This is tough but also so very liberating. I'm making sure I take my meds and have a therapy appointment next week. If this all gets to be too much then I will step away and take a break. Promise.

Today I Am Humbled

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 15:07:00 +0000

It's been a long 24 hours. Yesterday I wrote a post about the Penn State sex abuse situation. I had no idea when I wrote it that so many people would respond in such an overwhelming and supportive way. All I knew is that I was (and am still) so very angry about knowing that children were being abused and that it could have been prevented.

Because I am myself a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I felt an obligation to share my experiences in hope that it would help people understand how it feels to be subjected to abuse. I hoped it would clarify why the key players in the Penn State situation were so very wrong when they didn't do everything in their power to protect these children.

I had previously written a post on another blog where I disclosed my abuse but hadn't really "officially" come out as an abuse survivor in my day-to-day life, counting on the anonymity of the internet to somewhat shield me. Yesterday I changed that.

I shared my story because I'm not longer willing to be ashamed. What happened to me was not my fault. Not sharing my experiences allows abusers to continue to hide in the darkness, counting on their victims to remain quiet and allowing the abuse to continue.

We need to expose these secrets to the light. We need to send a clear message to those that hurt children that we will not stand for it. Yesterday I said we need to shout from the rooftops until someone listens. Yesterday? I put my money where my mouth is and did just that. I challenge you all to do the same.

Thank you to Scott Wasserman from KMSP Fox 9 News and BlogHer for giving me the opportunity to share my words with a larger audience. Because of you, I was able to reach many more people than my humble little blog usually sees. Because of you I have already received messages from readers who are reaching out for help and/or sharing their own stories. Thanks also to all of you who sent messages of support to me on Twitter, Facebook and e-mail. I am humbled and thankful for all of you and so very touched at the absolute outpouring of love and support that I have and continue to receive. You say that I'm brave? YOU MAKE ME BRAVE.

Know that you can make a difference in the life of a child by sharing your own experiences or stepping in to help someone else who may need it. Our children deserve to be safe, healthy and happy. Please help make this possible.

P.S. I am not an expert, just a survivor. I can't take steps to help your individual situation, but I'm here to give support if you need it. If you have questions, issues, concerns, suspicions, ANYTHING...please contact the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network online at http://www.rainn.org/ or call their hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE. It is better to call and have it be nothing than not call and wish you had done something.

I Am Angry

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 17:34:00 +0000

I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. This means that certain things are triggering for me. Smells, sounds, songs...even the weather on some days. I often have to turn away from news casts, online stories, books, and movies because something that happens in them sets off a visceral reaction in me and reminds me of something that happened in my past. These triggers can be the spark that sets off a reaction that ultimately leads to a depressive episode. I don't avoid these things because my head is in the sand, I avoid them for my own mental health and the health and well-being of my family.

So, hearing about what is going on at Penn State is, at the very least, very upsetting. It was also something that I could not ignore.

Here's the short version in case you aren't following the story:

In 1977, Jerry Sandusky established The Second Mile, a group home for troubled boys. This organization ultimately evolves into a program that is much more and supports all youth who need additional support and positive adult role models. Through this program, Sandusky works with children.
In 1994, he has inappropriate contact with his first reported victim. (This victim does not report this until he is 26, which means he was around 9 years old when the contact occurred.)
In 1998, it is reported to University police that Sandusky has had contact with two more boys, which starts an investigation with the police department. One victim's mother, during a phone call recorded by a police detective, is told by Sandusky that he showered with her son and with other boys. He is investigated by the Pennsylvania Department of Public Welfare, where he admits to hugging the boy and says he won't shower with children again. The district attorney declined to pursue criminal charges, prompted by the head of campus police telling the police to close the inquiry.
In 1999, Sandusky retires from Penn State. It is unrelated to the inquiry and he is allowed access to facilities on campus. (This will be significant later.)
In 2000, a janitor witnesses Sandusky abusing a boy in a shower on campus. He tells co-workers and one of them observed that Sandusky's vehicle was on campus that night. The incident is reported to the janitor's supervisor, who tells the witness to whom to report the incident.
In 2002, another witness (this time a graduate assistant) witnesses a boy (possibly around 10 years old) being abused in another shower on campus. He reports the incident to Joe Paterno, coach at Penn State. Paterno, in turn, reports it to Tim Curley, the athletic director of Penn State. Ten days (!!) later, this graduate assistant, Mike McQueary meets with Curley and Gary Schultz, school treasurer and senior vice president. They do not report the incident to authorities or to any child protection agency. Instead, Sandusky's access to the locker rooms is removed and the incident is reported to The Second Mile.
In 2009, a mother calls her son’s school and reports that he was sexually abused by Sandusky. The police are notified.
In 2010, the graduate assistant, who is now an assistant coach at Penn State testifies about the abuse he witnessed and what he reported to Schultz and Curley. One of the victims reports that he has received voice mails from Sandusky, which he does not return.
In January of 2011, Curley downplays the allegations, saying that graduate assistant said it was "inappropriate," and not "sexual" contact, and referred to it as "horsing around." Schultz says he met with Curley and Paterno about the reports, but says he thought Sandusky and the boy might have been wrestling when the inappropriate contact happened.
Currently: The public has been made aware of the allegations against Sandusky and he is accused of sexually abusing eight boys between 1994 and 2009. Curley and Schultz are also being investigated for lying to investigators and not reporting the incidents to authorities. They have vacated their jobs and have been arraigned on the charges.

(Insert statement about people being innocent until proven guilty here.)

My thoughts on this? Every single person at Penn State University who was made aware of this situation should be fired and/or prosecuted. There are eight (and probably many more) victims out there whose lives will never be the same. Had Paterno, Curley, and Schultz been doing their jobs there would be far fewer victims. Those boys (and men) deserved better. Even the witnesses should be sharing in this blame. When a child is being abused, we should refuse to allow it to be kept secret. We should scream from the rooftops until someone hears us.

We need to send a message to abusers that this will NOT stand. We will protect our children and let nothing stand in the way of their safety. Our children deserve no less.

Please refer to this article from NPR to see my main source for the details of this posting. Other bits of information from the many news stories that have come out about this situation.

Cats Playing Patty Cake

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 18:57:00 +0000

I'm a bad blogger. I'll make up for it by posting cute pics of my kids in Halloween costumes as soon as I get them off of the 'real' camera. In the meantime, enjoy this video of cats playing Patty Cake that I found while stalking @TheBloggess on The Twitter.

Love,

16 Years Ago Today

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 01:06:00 +0000

...I became a mother.

Amazing how time flies.

Then and Now

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Sat, 08 Oct 2011 15:56:00 +0000

I am just not ready for my boy to be so big. NOT. READY.

*sniffle*

Strong Start Day 2011

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 22:10:00 +0000

Earlier this week, I put on a t-shirt and pinned a couple of buttons to it. I stood in front of a camera and spoke from my heart about mental illness. I was very nervous. I was worried about how people would see me. I was thinking about that ten pounds that a camera is supposed to add (not gonna lie there). I was also apprehensive because I was at my job, on camera, admitting to the world that I have a mental illness.

I did this so that the college students might see it and know they are not alone. I did it so that moms and dads and everyone else might know that it does get better. I spent a lot of time talking about my experiences with postpartum depression (which didn't make it on the air) and how PPD is so much more likely for those who have a history of depression. I talked about how I suffered from depression long before I got help and I shared my shame in having to admit that I NEEDED help. I spoke about all of this because people I know have been affected by suicide (and even dyed my hair blue not long ago to promote suicide prevention). I did this because I know so very many people who feel like failures because they need help. I did it because I don't want people to feel the way I did for as long as I did.

Monday was the National Day Without Stigma so I pretended I was not scared and shouted from the roof tops.

Now I'm worried that my coworkers will think I'm all crazy up in here and treat me differently. I'm nervous and afraid to face people. I took Tuesday and stayed home because the anxiety of dealing with the aftermath of being open about my mental illness was pretty much overwhelming. Today kiddo illness kept me home (insert sigh of relief/guilt here).

According to one of the buttons I wore on Monday, one in four people are diagnosed with some sort of mental illness. ONE in FOUR...and those are the ones who are diagnosed. There are so many people out there (that I know personally) who have not attempted to get any sort of help. That is staggering to me.

I spent years in denial. I gave up primary custody of a child. I lost relationships, jobs, friends. All because of my depression and anxiety. My life started getting better when I embraced who I was and learned to live with the fact that I needed a little modern chemistry to not only live, but live WELL.

I've posted a few times about my ongoing depression and anxiety issues and Katherine Stone from Postpartum Progress and Lauren Hale from My Postpartum Voice were two of my biggest cheerleaders. They rallied the troops in the #ppdchat on Twitter and raised me up and supported me when I needed it. I got texts, phone calls and emails. There were (and are) so very many more women and men that helped me out of the inky black hole I was in - I cannot possibly list them all. Know this friends. I will not forget you or what you did and continue to do for me.

Katherine has asked us to support pregnant and new moms with their emotional health. We can do it in many ways. Make a donation. Write a post linking back to Katherine's post supporting Start Strong Day. Send an email asking friends and family for support. Tweet using the #ppdchat hashtag. Support moms and dads who need us. Have the conversation. Talk about this. Normalize it. De-stigmatize it.

I learned from Katherine's post that there are a half a million moms out there suffering from untreated postpartum depression and hundreds of thousands of moms who suffer from untreated mental illnesses that existed long before they gave birth. This is UNACCEPTABLE.

I don't know of any person who ever started this journey with any other goal than to be a good mom to their babies. We must do what we can to help these mamas have a strong start. We MUST.

Guest Post: @TheNextMartha: Halloween epitaph winners are… (And tutorial)

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 17:06:00 +0000

Please welcome Jen (who you all know as @TheNextMartha on The Twitter) to the blog. She was kind enough to agree to do a guest post and announce her Annual Tombstone Epitaph Contest winners and show us how to make them too. I am a complete Halloween geek so I jumped at the chance. So, give a warm welcome to Jen! *cheers*

Please stop by Jen's blog The Martha Project and show her some bloggy love will ya?

I had an epitaph contest on my blog and the winners are.....

In first place we have @moooooog35

In second place we have Woosel

With Honorable mentions going to:

@IHubby for “Here Lies Google+”

@FlyteAphrodite for “Justa Misty Stepmon Dancing to Reggae is Deadly”

So now you want your own right?

Pull up a chair and grab yourself some Styrofoam and a gas mask.

Supplies:

Polystyrene 2.0 inches minimum. (Hardware store comes in sheets of 4’x8’)

Hand saw blade

Sanding block

Printed out epitaph

Spray adhesive

Xacto knife

Wood burning tool with temp control

Black paint

Grey paint

Power drill with long screw bit

Dowel (metal or wood)

First decide the shape you want your tombstone and cut it out of the polystyrene using the hand saw. Don’t worry about rough edges, you’ll sand them later.

I’ve researched different shapes just by googling cemeteries and looking at the images.

Once you have your shape, decide on the epitaph. Again, you can Google epitaphs, humorous names, or hold your own contest. Wait. Don’t do that. I need all the help I can get.

(1) Then type the epitaph into a Word document using the Font and size that you want. If I am doing a name, I’ll make the name larger than the years or wording under it.

Anywhere from 125-200 font size is usually what I end up with.

(2) Print them out and then arrange them on the tombstone. Use spray adhesive on the back of the words and then place them

Now, this is the part that you might start to think “YOU DO WHAT?” and run from my crazy.

(3) Take your exacto knife and cut out each letter. Make sure to replace any “inner” letter parts. Like the e/b/o’s

Yes. You read that correctly.

Come back in a few hours when you’re done.

Now after that part, don’t you want to make like 10 more?

Moving on……

(4) Once you have the all the letters cut out you burn out the middles with a wood burner. You can see in #4 how the word “tomorrow” is melted out. The words above it not. The paper that you leave on created a stencil so it doesn’t burn through the foam letters. . I have the word burner plugged into a heat reducer and have it on 50%. Too hot and you’ll melt out of your borders. Too cold and it just won’t melt.

You might want to wear a mask. I usually try to do this on a breezy day out on my driveway. (Insert carcinogenic warning here) Some people use their exacto knives to completely cut out the middle, but I’ve never been successful that that part without ruining a letter or two.

(5) Once all the letters are melted into the Styrofoam leave the paper stencil on. Grab a paint brush and some black craft paint and paint in the letters.

(6) Before the paint is dry, peel off any paper stenciling. If you leave it to dry it, may stick and is hard to remove.

(7) Next sand down the edges using a sand paper block. I like nice rounded (aged) edges myself.

(8) Give the whole tombstone a coat of paint using a foam roller. By using foam and not pressing too hard you are able to roll over the letters and keep them black while covering any black outside the outline.

(9) You can stop at this point. Congratulations, you’ve made a tombstone. Unless…

You want to go an extra step.

I then take a brush and age it a little. You can use white, black, dark grey, green and I streak it until I get the look I want.

Sometimes I might even use a sponge to give it more texture.

To mount into the ground I drill through the bottom on both sides. I then stick a metal dowel (or wood but the wind snaps these on me) into the grass and then slide your tombstone over the dowels.

Now that you have a yard full of tombstones, let’s talk about lighting…….

Thanks again Jen for the tutorial and for visiting my little part of the internet. Won't be doing these this year because Miss Harper Moo is keeping me too busy but you can bet I'll be giving it a shot next year.

Perspective Is So Very Good

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 15:05:00 +0000

I saw this on AllTop and had to share. The morning started out rough. (Husband's payroll check was not correct and it caused some pretty major financial stress.)

I needed this healthy and beautiful dose of perspective today. :)

Wordless Wednesday

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 18:47:00 +0000

My Klout perk from Sharpie

Just Write - Week 3

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 02:38:00 +0000

I was almost to the van, running late for work again when I remembered something. I yelled back to the house.

"Katy? Where is your instrument?"

Silence.

I knew it.

I literally run back towards the house. I'm already pissed.

"Katy! Where is your instrument?!?"

Katy looks at me nervously then starts talking very fast. "I forgot I had play practice after school and..."

I interrupt her, furious. "I told you to bring that instrument home every single day! EVERY DAY! We have talked..."

She interrupts me, saying "But I..."

"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT KATY. I told you to bring it home EVERY FUCKING DAY. I have told you this so many times. Seriously. What do I keep telling you???"

"To bring it home every day unless you or the band teacher tell me not to."

"I can not do this right now. I have to get to work."

I storm out the door and stomp to the van, slamming the door as hard as I can. Did I mention that I am PISSED OFF?

Tires screeching, I speed towards work.

I call my husband, vent a bit, breathe. Then I call home. Katy answers.

"Hi baby."

"Hi Mom."

"I'm sorry I swore and yelled. I am just feeling really frustrated. We have talked so many times about you bringing home your instrument. You have band every day and you need to practice honey. You insist you want to be in band. Is this still what you want?"

"Yes Mom, I really do."

"Ok, then what do you need to do?"

"Bring my instrument home every day unless you tell me not to."

"Ok, so the way you do it now is you go get it from the band room at the end of the day right?"

"Yup."

"Clearly this is not working."

"Nope."

"Is there somewhere else you can put it so that you'll remember?"

"I have study hall last period. I can take it with me."

"I think that'll work better don't you?"

"Yep."

"Ok, start doing that then."

"I will Mom."

"And Katy?"

"Uh huh?"

"I love you baby and I'm really sorry for swearing and yelling at you today. I had a right to be mad but I didn't need to blow up like that."

"It's ok Mom. I love you too."

"Have a good day babe."

"You too Mama."

Went to work. Had borderline icky day. Got a parking ticket. Came home.

Katy? Stuck her nose in a book after school instead of doing chores or homework and scurried around ten minutes before I got home trying to get her stuff done without success. She got busted right away when I saw her stuff wasn't done and asked her about it. She confessed immediately.

I, in turn, let her live.

Didn't even raise my voice this time.

Yay me. ;)

Visit Heather of the EO to learn more about #JustWrite.

Footnote: Katy's behavior by the end of the evening ultimately resulted in my removing permission for her to participate in the school play. That instrument that was the cause of such drama? Was not practiced a day yet this week. We had a deal, if she was to participate she needed to keep up with her school work and responsibilities. She didn't hold up her end of the bargain and got more 'do overs' than she should have gotten.

Puberty is awesome, yes?