7. Arizona - I’m from Arizona, and I actually love this place despite its ludicrous politics and searing summer heat. So any tune about it by the band that inspired my music habit gets a spot.

6. Rhythm of Love - I’ve heard the Scorpions wound up not really liking the Savage Amusement album this appears on. Well, guys, if it makes you feel any better, listening to this disc was a huge influence on me. I still love it, and this song had a lot going for it. One of the more commercial tunes on the album, and I’m surprised it doesn’t get more radio airplay.

5. Bad Boys Running Wild - What a killer opening riff! It’s one of the darker tunes, and has a relatively menacing edge. Killer vocal phrasing from Klaus, and a very ballsy guitar tone.

4. Alien Nation - Again, I have to go to one of the band’s darker, heavier tunes. It’s also pretty modern and current, with a bit of de-tuning.

3. In Trance - An early one that features just a hint of reggae. There’s something about the live version of this on the Live Bites disc that’s far better than the studio original … the more modern production value and guitar tone wakes it right the hell up.

2. Still Loving You - It’s a fact that power ballads get the chicks. And few power ballads sound better than this. The chorus crashes into you like a Maori rugby player. Here’s another thing - this tune is damned hard to play correctly. So it’s technically sound, sounds magnificent and in its day had the power to get the girls all gooey. Das is gud!

INTERLUDE: Before we get to my most favoritist ever in history Scorpions tunes, I’m going to give you a few I never need to hear again.

3. Winds of Change - It’s not a bad song, but there’s more to the Scorps than peace and love ballads.

2. No One Like You - Fantastic guitar work, but overplayed to the point of pain.

1. The Zoo - An alright song, but too slow and plodding for my taste. The live version on World Wide Live, though, is considerably better than the studio version.

Okay, we’re onto my most favoritist ever Scorps tune of all time. And the winner is …

1. Is There Anybody There? - The studio version is great. But the Live Bites version is perfection. It makes me feel like I’m kicking it in a sweltering tropical place and listening to some beautifully cranked guitars. What could be better? Not a helluva lot. Thanks for this one, guys. I never get tired of it!

Here, give a listen to this clip from a live show back in 1993:

Magali Luyten of A Beautiful Sin.

I picked it up about a year ago, and I remember what I thought from the first spin … “Hey, this sounds cool. And more than just a little familiar!” The riffs and melody from “Lost,” the first track from A Beautiful Sin’s album The Unexpected, sent me scuttling to my stack of Helloween albums. Sure enough, I found exactly what I was looking for on the German speed metal band’s The Dark Ride album - a track called The Departed.

Same riffs. Same vocal melody. Same just about everything. And guess who wrote the tune for Helloween? If you guessed Uli, you are correct. He ripped himself off for the title track. I wonder how much this pisses Helloween off. Think I’m exaggerating? Take a listen and see for yourself:

The bottom line is this - Uli is not much of a composer. The keyboards sound flat-out goofy, and he could’ve taken them a better direction as the unquestioned band leader. I also have to blame him for overproducing the hell out of the vocals. The singer for A Beautiful Sin, Magali Luyten, is excellent. More Doro Pesch than Tarja Turunen, and I like it. In fact, if Andi Deris ever gets tired of being in Helloween, I’d vote her in as his replacement in a second. I’d love to hear her rock “Eagle Fly Free!”

I’m not actually sure A Beautiful Sin still exists. I can find more evidence of Magali working with a band called Virus IV.

You see, “the sky” can easily be mis-heard as “this guy.”

Classic example: Jimi Hendrix’s “Purple Haze” and it’s infamous line, “Excuse me while I kiss the sky” became “Excuse me while I kiss this guy.” This has amused people like, well, me, ever since.

Sweden’s Hammerfall took the lyrical landmine to a new high in their song, “Templars of Steel.” Granted, the song is already silly enough, glorifying, as it does, a bunch of admittedly badass Crusade-era knights who were still quite spartan in their living and weren’t exactly a bunch of ladies’ men, if you catch my drift. For them, it was a life of prayer, combat and just a bit more prayer thrown in for good measure. Partiers like Poison, these were not.

But Hammerfall made it worse with the line “Raise your fist in the sky.” Yes, heard through the wrong ears (namely mine), you have Joacim Cans possibly exhorting listeners to “raise your fist in this guy.”

Fortunately, Hammerfall are playing this over monstrous slabs of instrumentation and Cans’ very cool post-NWOBHM voice. Still, I giggle.

Don’t make me giggle at you - don’t use the words “the sky” in your lyrics.

Hung Dynasty follows.

“Engl Powerball miraculously fits my outrage, and shakes my great balls of frost!” - ABBATH / IMMORTAL

That has to be the greatest user testimonial I’ve ever seen, bar none. Still, I’m not sure if Abbath meant that the Powerball shakes the frost from his balls, or if his goolies are actually composed of frost.

I’ll bet Todd guffawed like a madman when he saw that. And I think “My Great Balls of Frost” will be my new catchphrase.

To be friends at Fryette Amplification: I will try very hard to come up with a testimonial for my Deliverance 60 that trumps Abbath’s praise for the Powerball.

Oh, and Abbath? Maybe you should put some shorts on if you want to keep praising Nordic deities today …

They’re playing at a small venue called UB’s. No disrespect toward UB’s because it’s a nice local venue, but it blows me away that an international touring band of Hammerfall’s caliber is playing there. These guys sell out stadiums in Europe like clockwork. They have awesome chops, and they put on a great show. Hell, I’ve played at UB’s in my side project, the female-fronted metal band Luminatus (pretty much a cover band designed to expose local audiences to the awesomeness of symphonic metal - you should become a fan!).

Contrast that with Anvil. This obscure, aging, also-ran band from Canada recently dropped into the Phoenix area and had a sellout show at the Marquee Theater. That’s a far larger venue than UB’s - by a factor of 10, at least. Anvil had an early 1980s moment in the sun, then disappeared into obscurity. Then the movie “Anvil! The Story of Anvil” came out. And I admit, I was rooting hardcore for the loveable band of Canuckleheads. But none of that obscures something important: That lead singer/guitarist Lips just can’t sing or play the guitar very well. Rob is a decent drummer, though. The band’s collective ineptitude is pretty plain to hear. No advanced degree from the Guitar Institute of Technology necessary.

But you look at Hammerfall. Its members and ex-members and probably its audition rejects can play Anvil into the ground. Yet they tour America and get booked at UB’s.

What’s the problem here?

The problem is in the mirror looking at us every day. Not individually, but collectively. For some reason, novelty is what interests us. Screw quality. That saddens me.

Sorry, Hammerfall. I wish Phoenix and the United States could do better for you. But know that some of us are delighted that you’re here.

My Carvin Bolt Plus is a go-to guitar. I love playing it.

I currently have four guitars. And it boggles my mind that this is honestly, genuinely not enough to meet my needs. That’s ludicrous. Here’s why they’re just not enough:

Hung Dynasty/Betamaxx - My primary band and its soon-to-be-sprung-on-the-world offshoot tunes to Eb. Playing live without a backup is the acme of foolishness, especially for a hard-hitting, Floyd Rose-using brute like me. So I’ve got my wonderful Carvin Bolt Plus and pretty solid Charvel 375 DLX (known as Liberace because … well, just look at it!) pulling duty for these projects. The Carvin is Number One - the action is beautiful, and the swamp ash body and HAS Sound bridge pickup just destroy all my other guitars from a tone perspective. It’s not even close.

Luminatus - Though our first gig only had four tunes, I expect that to expand. That means my battered Charvel Model 4 (known as Big Red), which is tuned to D, is going to need help. I’ve gotta be honest: I’m cheap, or I would simply have Carvin build me another Floyd-equipped Bolt Plus. At about $1,000, they’re a killer value for a high-quality USA-made guitar. But I’m cheap, so I’m likely to lurk for an old Charvel or Kramer. Some of the Kramers have real Floyd Rose bridges, not the

Big Red (seen here in an early Hung gig) is making a comeback in Luminatus.

knock-off “licensed” models. That makes a huge difference, and don’t let any sales drone tell you any different.  I would also commit some serious transgressions to get a hold a Michael Wilton-signature LTD, or a 90s-vintage ESP Horizon or Mirage. Yum.

General Use - A koa-topped Ovation acoustic/electric. This is handy for figuring out tunes from bands that are tuned to A440, which is pretty much most of them. It’s also very handy for just getting a different vibe from practice and songwriting. To be honest, practice on the acoustic negatively affects my electric playing: The higher string tension forces me to fret chords and notes harder - that same amount of pressure can actually make chords (especially inverted triads) sound out-of-tune on the electric. I have to be mindful to reduce my fretting pressure.

The truly funny thing? I hate buying guitars. It’s because I always have sneaking suspicion I could’ve gotten something better for less. But that’s just because I’m a jerk. Oh, well.

Liberace is likely to see far more action when Betamaxx is rolling. I'll need its trashy 80s glam flash.