Mirror of Aphrodite

How To Avoid Dating a Narcissist

noreply@blogger.com (The Mirror of Aphrodite) — Fri, 26 Mar 2021 15:18:00 +0000

So you've met (what appears to be) a great guy. He talked a good talk. He even walked the walk for a minute. But then things took a turn. Something didn't feel right. Words and actions weren't aligning. Emotional distance crept in. And then the questions began. What did I do? What didn't I do? Was it me? Is he scared? What the hell is going on?

What's going on is that you may be dating a narcissist.

I spent years married to one. The affects of that experience still linger in my life to this day. Even being divorced for 17 years, watching recent decisions of his from afar often triggers me to remember the fresh hell that was life with him.

I've also worked with many narcissists over the years and encountered them in social circles as well. Narcissists are highly skilled psychological abusers - both covert and extroverted in style - and can leave you suffering post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) for years.

So how can you spot one to avoid dating a narcissist?

Start by answering these simple questions first. Does the person you're dating make you question your self-worth? Do they almost seem deliberate in their attempts to damage your confidence? Do they regularly send you into a downward spiral leaving you emotionally mired in self-doubt? Do you feel like you're fighting a constant uphill battle that leaves you endlessly trying to prove yourself worthy to win this person over?

If so, you may be dating a narcissist. And you're probably completely exhausted.

How to Avoid Dating a Narcissist

Look for patterns of the narcissistic cycle of abuse, which is as follows:

Idealization (You're amazing!)
Devaluation (Something is wrong with you!)
Discarding (Go away, I don't need you anymore!)
Hoovering (But I'll be back to vacuum up the pieces!)

So, what is this narcissist cycle of abuse all about? What's the end game for the narcissist here? The game is this -- narcissistic supply.

The above cycle is "grooming" -- a cycle of abuse that ensures the narcissist maintains a constant supply of attention (from you). You are literally being groomed to be victimized. When you see this pattern of psychological abuse playing out in your relationship -- RUN - don't walk to the nearest exit.

This is not about love and passion. It's about control and emotional manipulation to ensure the narcissist's fragile ego maintains superiority over you (and everyone else in their lives). In the narcissist's world, everyone gets their turn in this abusive cycle.

How to Spot a Narcissist

1.) The Empty Vessel Makes the Most Noise: The Narcissistic Need for Attention

This noisy empty vessel concept can be considered the flag pole in which other red flags will be raised upon, according to Dr. Ramani, a leading expert on narcissism, NPD and narcissistic abuse.

Picture yourself in a social setting - a bar, an office party, a restaurant, a crowded room, etc. You hear a voice that rises above the rest. You scan the room and spot the source. They're loud. They're charming. They're magnetic and they've garnered themselves a captive audience. They come across as confident, knowledgeable, and educated.

Problem is, they're not saying much.

They're like an empty vessel that's been hit with a stick - and sound is now ringing, ringing, ringing out of the hollowness of that vessel, reverberating in waves over the surrounding area, entrancing everyone.

They're telling stories (about themselves). They're using wit, humor and sarcasm to enthrall others (with tales of their own experiences). They're dismissive of others around them who try to contribute to the conversation (quickly talking over them, steering the conversation back towards themselves). They're discussing successes, theories and ideas (that are all their own).

Those in their audience seem captivated (by all of their grandstanding and tall tales).

Raise the flagpole. You may be in the midst of a narcissist.

They're not always loud, either. As Dr. Ramani points out, they sometimes instead us voice inflection to create a sense of mystery, speaking in whispers, leaning in close, or taking long pauses in between words.

What you're really spotting here is this: big presence = dramatic, intense energy that seeks validation from others. Otherwise known as an "attention whore."

2.) Brr, It's Cold in Here: The Narcissistic Need for Superiority and Emotional Distance

Narcissists are adept at giving off an air of detachment. This is red flag number two.

You suddenly find yourself wanting to be noticed by them. (Oh me, me - pick me, please, I'm over here!) But you can't quite reach them. They're aloof. They feel somewhat distant and almost untouchable. And you find yourself starting to believe that they're somehow superior to you and others.

They must be, right?

They must have some magical knowledge that's so powerful that they have to go to great lengths to remain above others and just out of reach, for fear they might pass that superior knowledge off to those undeserving of it.

You immediately sense that only a chosen few receive such a reward from this individual. They must have something that everyone else wants, right?

The narcissist remains wholly unavailable (emotionally) and detached (emotionally) in order to continually remain above the fray, so as to wield power over their kingdom (of admirers) like an Emperor.

The 4 Stages of Narcissistic Abuse

1.) Idealization and the Narcissistic "Need to Feed:" The Bait and Hook

This brings us to red flag number three. They've just set the bait. You ate it up - hook, line and s(t)inker.

Now it's time to shine. Do a little dance. Will they notice you? Will they give you their attention? No? Okay, dance some more. Maybe say something witty. Twirl your hair. (Oh me, me - pick me, please, I'm over here!) Put on some make up. Behave desperately. Lower your standards. Compromise your values. Dance until you can dance no longer to prove your worth to them - to prove you're worthy OF THEM.

If you've succeeded at that, then job well done. You are now on their radar, and they're coming in hot. Let the love bombing begin! You feel special, don't you?

This narcissist is now giving you what you've worked so hard for - their attention.

It's coming in wave after wave after glorious wave. It's washing over you and you're glowing. The narcissist is going out of their way for you. They're responding to your texts in record time. They're making themselves available to you on weekends. They're texting you good morning. They're texting you goodnight. They're taking you on (lame) dates. You may even be spending (lame) weekends at each others place.

A narcissist has a constant need for attention. Congratulations! They're now officially pursuing YOU for that constant supply of it.

2.) Devaluation and the Narcissistic Need to for Superiority: You're Not Good Enough

Discarding is soon to follow. But it's impending arrival will be proceeded by red flag number four, which is devaluation.

The pick up artist (PUA) community calls these devaluation tactics "negging" - subtle negative comments meant to trigger your insecurities and weaken you into becoming easier prey and a much more willing victim. And it usually looks something like this.

"Is that really what you're going to wear tonight?" Devaluing your appearance. Or after eating a meal you just prepared they say, "My mother's cooking is the best in the world." Devaluing your skills. Or "You should go brush your teeth." Devaluing your confidence.

I'll throw this in as an additional personal observation of my own. Narcissistic men, in particular, may even begin to tell you stories (or any story) about other women that have come before you.

They can talk about an ex non-stop (implying a comparison). Or they'll give away their deep-rooted insecurities by telling you some less-than-honorable sex stories (in an attempt to imply that they're sought-after and highly valued by the opposite sex).

Devaluation can be subtle or downright brutal. Whatever you do, don't fall victim to these narcissistic devaluation tactics by immediately becoming insecure. Call them on this BS and signal to them that you're onto them, you're confident, and this childish crap doesn't work on you.

If you do that, the narcissist will likely punish you with their penchant for the silent treatment.

All is fair in love and war, right? A narcissist knows the best way to win is to weaken his opponent. By decreasing your sense of value, a narcissist sends you into a weakened state of "unworthiness" thus making you easier to conquer (and to keep around for constant feeding of their very fragile ego).

3.) Discarding and the Narcissistic Need for Control: Taking out the Trash

By now, it's clear that something doesn't feel quite right. If you're dating such a great individual, then why do you still feel so alone? Uh, oh. Red flag number five.

All of a sudden, the momentum that was building just came to a screeching halt. The glorious waves that were washing over you just dried up. It's like you've just been air-dropped into the middle of the Sahara desert. You find yourself feeling trapped, stranded, and all alone.

Not only does the narcissist now own your headspace. But even better, they've dumped you before you (figured them out and) dumped them. Your value and sense of self-worth just plummeted. Damn, it's hot in the desert. So why not take a dive into the sea of self-doubt? After all, swimming in self-doubt feels lovely, right?

Discarding is how a narcissist maintains control (and hooks you up to their feeding tube for the constant incoming flow of attention they've now primed the pump to receive from you).

The narcissist is always in the drivers seat (steering the relationship along driven by a psychologically manipulative need for control). And like any good Emperor - constantly running off to conquer new lands.

With the narcissist, it's not about reaching a destination (relationship). It's about chasing and conquering (tricking around with people's heads and emotions in order to control others so as to maintain a feeling of superiority over them).

If a narcissist has just rejected you, you're doing great - scratch that, you're doing AWESOME. As Dr. Ramani says, "Narcissists aren't rejecting you - they are rejecting your supply:"

4.) Hoovering and Narcissist Entitlement: Sucking Up the Dirt

But don't worry. Unfortunately, they'll be back.

The narcissist just hurt your feelings pretty deeply, right? Perfect! This puts them into a superior position to come back to "hoover" you up like the dirt they've left you feeling like. They've treated you like dirt and they're returning with a vacuum cleaner to suck you up again. Red flag number six.

If they've done their job right, by now you're completely addicted. They've got your head spinning, your heart is involved, and you're so down in the dumps and preoccupied with proving your worth to them that you never even consider breaking free. After all, who would want you, right? This experience is telling you that you're not good enough. If the narcissist doesn't want you then who will?

If they're a pro at this, they can get at least a year or more out of you by recycling you through the four stages of narcissist abuse over and over again. If they're an amateur, they're set up for at least a few months.

But YOU, my dear, are about to enter HELL.

All the while, the narcissist will be working all their other options simultaneously in the background. They've got a huge need to feed so they also need to ensure they've got to have a transplant to replace you (once you catch onto them and bolt away from them).

But don't get angry. These folks are broken. A narcissist is a pathetic creature.

Hurt People - Hurt People: The Narcissists Neglected Childhood and The Coffee Maker

Many narcissists grew up with troubled childhoods, particularly, in neglectful parental atmospheres.

Mom and dad may have been embroiled in warfare of their own for years and were distracted and neglectful of their children. They may have been drug addicts or alcoholics. They may have divorced and one of them could've abandoned the family unit, never to be seen or heard from again. The parents themselves could've even been victims of abuse and neglect as children, harboring fears of abandonment, never even letting their own children really get close to them.

These folks did not receive the love and support they needed as children. As a result, their emotional growth stopped at the point the trauma took place. They learned that love can create pain. And you can get all the support and attention you need if you just learn how to manipulate it out of those around you without fully investing yourself.

Picture a narcissist as an 8 year old child, desperate for attention and love, but not receiving it. The child learns to get the attention they need by being a trickster and emotional manipulator. Is mom too sad to pay attention to you because dad left? Is she on the sofa crying all the time? Is she on the phone crying all the time? Just throw a tantrum, break a dish on the floor, and voila' - you've got moms attention. Not only that, you've just gained control of her. She's checking you for cuts, she's wiping tears from your face, and she's coddling you in an attempt to console you.

Perfect! The child has just learned how to emotionally manipulate others (by behaving badly) in order to receive the love and affection they so desperately need.

Ever seen a child bashing their parent? Pulling their hair, kicking them, screaming and punching at them. That's the "I hate that you left me and don't love me" cry for help. And if the child does this after a parent has just returned from an outing without the child, that's a sure sign of resentment and neglect coming from that child directed at the parent. It's an attachment disorder developing from emotional neglect.

It's okay to feel bad for these people. But do NOT think that love will fix them. They are chronic repeaters. They don't want to change their way of life because it works for them. They're in the drivers seat. They're in control. Emotions mean nothing and are simply signs of weakness to them. So don't think showing yours will do them any bit of good.

A narcissist will actually become angry at you for showing your weakness (emotions) and resentful of the fact that you actually "feel" things. They'll make it very clear to you that you "don't go there" with them. If you feel like you're walking on eggshells, tip-toeing around their emotional explosivity all the time, it's because you are.

This goes deeper in adulthood than a child's need for love. In adulthood, this is now about control and superiority over others. To a narcissist, people are things. Things that only serve a purpose or a use. As Dr. Ramani says, you need a coffee maker. You don't love a coffee maker. But when you don't have a coffee maker, you sure do notice it's absence, right?

Well, YOU my dear, are the coffee maker.

These are generational childhood wounds that your love simply cannot heal. So don't even think about it. Years and years of therapy barely even help a narcissist. You sure as hell aren't going to do it after a few dates, a few months, or even a few years of tolerating their BS.

Speaking of Wounds: Trauma Bonding and the Addiction of Empathetic People

You may be as shocked as I was to understand this aspect of narcissist abuse. This was a game changer for me. I truly feel that understanding this concept was the catalyst that began my healing. So pay very close attention to this.

You know that concept of Yin and Yang, right? What one person has another person needs and together, the two fit like a glove. Well, narcissism has its own brand of Yin and Yang.

The person that's full of empathy (Yin - YOU) and the person that lacks empathy (Yang - the narcissist).

That's moth to a flame stuff right there. And here's where it really gets interesting so listen up. Once you've had an experience with a narcissist -- the abuse you've suffered will keep drawing you back to even more of them! The moth loves the flame that can destroy them.

It's "the one that got away" type of stuff. You were never quite "good enough" to land that one. So when someone else comes along that literally triggers the memories of the feelings of that past psychological abuse - the unworthiness of it all - you will find yourself ensnared all over again attempting to prove yourself worthy.

"Why, why, why does everyone discard me?!"

Well, the truth is people don't keep discarding you. It's only because you're continually dating a narcissist, one right after the other, that this happens.

"Discarding" and "devaluing" are all part of the narcissistic cycle of abuse. And you will find yourself addicted to it, because your sense of self-worth is now tied to it. The "constant waiting" for the short term reward lights up the same areas of the brain that addiction lights up once the "reward" (breadcrumb of attention) you've worked so hard for is finally granted for a hot minute.

You're an addict that's anxiously awaiting your next fix.

And once you've had a significant experience with a narcissist, you will find yourself "trauma bonding" to those personality types over and over again. Constantly reliving the narcissistic cycle of abuse, like an addict that cannot give up their drug, hanging on for dear life waiting to receive their next fix.

Why, am I hooked you ask? Because victims of abuse tend to subconsciously seek out situations that feel "comfortable" to them. Thus repeating the cycle of abuse over and over again in their relationships. Your brain is now addicted to the drama.

And the abuse doesn't end there. Do you know what else victims of narcissistic abuse do?

Rumination and the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse

Victims of the cycle of narcissistic abuse ruminate like nobodies business. "Rumination" is part of the post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) that results from narcissistic abuse.

Going over things that happened and all the nitty-gritty details again and again, rolling them around in the mind like a crystal ball that's supposed to provide the answers. All the whys, what ifs, coulda', woulda', shoulda's - rolling around in the mind in an endless loop. Closely examined from every single angle possible again and again.

All of which is a self-sabotaging process of attempting to figure out where YOU went wrong. It's now you abusing yourself as a result of the feelings of unworthiness that have been constantly cast upon you. Because it MUST be YOUR fault that nobody wants you, right?

Dating a narcissist is actually a very DANGEROUS game of cat and mouse. People want you. People value you. It's only the narcissists you keep dating that don't.

The Narcissists Feeding Ground: The Modern Dating World

Now, all of what I just described above may come across as the harmless trifling's of modern day dating, right? Those things otherwise known as "The Game." Replete with all those fancy new phrases like ghosting, love bombing, hoovering, etc.

Well guess what? Those things aren't new. They've been traits that psychologists have been exploring for years surrounding NPD and the narcissistic personality disorder.

Even uglier, this stuff is now being TAUGHT (as dating pick up artist methods).

Some chump somewhere along the line discovered he was a narcissist, attended therapy, and instead of using what he learned to help himself -- he figured out a way to use it nefariously against women, began teaching it to other men -- and made millions of dollars doing it.

And guess what? That chump finally accepted that he was a narcissist, and that his tactics didn't lead to love, instead they led to a lonely hookup lifestyle - and is now supposedly completely reformed and considers his manifesto book cringeworthy to read.

Men, if you're reading this, just stop. Seriously, just stop. Or you're going to end up a lonely old man sitting in his recliner grieving the days gone by and ruminating on the lonely life you've led. Your family may all be dead and gone, your children will be grown living their own lives, and you'll be sitting there - thinking and drinking, stagnant like fungus - drowning in sorrow over the choices you've made for yourself and facing the realization that you're going to die alone. Trust me on this. I've seen it with my own eyes more than once.

These tactics are like a bacteria that has infected the dating pool, damaging people's psyches.

Modern dating tactics not only permit narcissists to feed like crazy on others, but they also encourage and enable narcissistic tendencies to grow and be cultivated in young adults. It's now becoming socially acceptable to be a narcissist. Society is all too ready to reward these people for the less than honorable manipulative methods they use to propel themselves through life.

But guess who holds the keys, ladies?

Let's get real. YOU have something THEY want (sex). You hold the power.

When dating a narcissist, it's all about two things: the constant supply of over-the-top attention received from you, and the chase to get it. That's it. Nothing else.

So stop rewarding poor treatment and bad behavior from men with MORE of your attention.

If you feel the need to constantly prove yourself worthy to a man, then he's not the right man for you. Period. Case closed.

Learn to Recognize a High Value Man

A good man, an emotionally high value man, that's relationship-ready will be vulnerable with you. He'll share his emotions freely. He'll share his thoughts freely. He will prioritize you and go out of his way for you. And he will make attempts to let you know where you stand with him.

He'll say it (words) AND do it (align with actions).

A good man doesn't want to risk losing a good woman by playing childish games.

A good man exhibits good behavior. He does good things. He hangs out with good people. And he's able to recognize a good woman when he finds one. And when that happens, he doesn't pull any punches when it comes to winning her over and taking her off the market.

So if you've got a guy that's constantly throwing metaphorical punches at you -- knock him out. He's disqualified.

Healing from a Narcissistic Relationship: Narcissistic Education

Now it's time for healing. Pull out a tub of ice cream, grab a blanket, and go visit Dr. Ramani's channel.

Stand your ground! Learn to recognize the symptoms, learn to disconnect. You've got the power to say NO THANK YOU and break the cycle of narcissistic abuse!

And remember this -- it's not about love. It's about power, control and the need for endless narcissistic supply.

When Men Pay for a Date the Woman Knows Where She Stands

noreply@blogger.com (The Mirror of Aphrodite) — Sat, 06 Feb 2016 19:08:00 +0000

In these modern times, the question persists - who should pay for a date?

I'm going to answer this question by providing insight into how women intuitively perceive this action from a man. Hint - it's not about money. Women can buy their own dinner. The action of paying for a date goes much, much deeper than something superficial or materialistic.

Men, when you pay for a date - you immediately tell the woman where she stands with you.

Being chivalrous and wanting to provide for the woman immediately tells her that shes special. You're keen on her. And you have a desire to protect and provide for her. Very attractive. Very impressive special treatment to take notice of. The woman is now looking at you as a romantic contender.

And do you know what you're telling a woman when you do not pay for a date?

You immediately tell the woman that she's not special to you. You're not keen on her in a romantic way. And you have no desire to protect and provide for her. Nothing attractive. Nothing impressive and no special treatment to take notice of. The woman is now looking at you as a pal. You are not a romantic contender.

There. It's really that simple.

Are You Seeking a Mate or a Friend?

Times may have changed. However, biologically as humans we have not changed all that much. Leading and providing are masculine actions. Submitting and nurturing are feminine passive actions. Biologically, women are romantically "triggered" by masculine actions (paying for a date, taking the lead), just as men are biologically triggered by feminine nurturing actions (appreciation, attention).

And biologically speaking - our actions say a lot about us.

There's an entire "unspoken" conversation taking place during every single encounter with we have with another. An unspoken language exists that's understood more than it is actually spoken out loud. And the very first actions you take with another set the entire tone of the relationship that will develop between you. Your actions and the unspoken discussion they provoke are "planting a seed."

Are you trying to grow a friendship? Or are you seeking a mate?

It's crucial that your actions and the discussion you start on the very first date reveal your true intent for the woman. Because on that date, your actions are going to help her determine if she's just your pal - or if you're a man with a romantic interest in her.

So if you're seeking a friend, don't pay her way. If you're seeking a mate, treat her as the romantic prospect she is - she's special. She's not just a pal. And you're not simply seeking a friendship here. So make her feel good about herself and let her know your intentions by "speaking" to her through your actions. This will also make her feel secure with you. And once you've made her feel special, good about herself, and secure with you, she'll start looking at you in a romantic way as a prospective mate and she'll drop her guard a bit with you.

And once she's dropped her guard a bit with you, the unspoken "conversation" that then begins to take place is one of "trust." And as we all know, all relationships require a strong foundation of trust to support them. Once a woman feels she can begin to trust you, she begins to trust that you have her best interests at heart, and that you'll protect her because you view her as special. She can now feel safe with you and relax a bit - cause you got this.

You're the man - and you got this.

The Friend Zone: When You Don't Pay for a Date

Guys, when you don't pay for a date, you're doing nothing to help yourself. In fact, by your own actions you risk fast tracking yourself right into the "friend zone." Not only that but even worse, you're signaling to her that you're "Mister Carefree, Casual, Go Lucky." You're signaling to her that you're some dude she can hook up with and pal around with from time to time, but nothing more.

You're telling her that she shouldn't expect much from you.

You're telling her that she shouldn't take you seriously as a romantic prospect because you're not coming at her as one. Instead, you're coming at her as a friend. You're not providing for her so she won't really feel safe with you or secure, and she'll keep her guard up.

Besides, let's face it. What woman gets excited about the prospect of dating a man that she can't expect anything from? What woman gets excited about the prospect of dating a man that isn't serious about her? What woman gets excited about the prospect of dating a man that doesn't have her best interests at heart? What woman gets excited about the prospect of dating a man that she can't rely on? What woman gets excited about dating a man that doesn't care to lift a finger for her or treat her special?

For that matter, what is there to get excited about at all? Making a new friend?

She's not dating to make new friends. She's dating to find a prospective mate. And if you're not coming confidently at her as one, you're creating confusion and wasting her time and yours.

She doesn't plan on ever taking you seriously Mr. Fun Time Guy. Because the unspoken "conversation" you created with her on your first date told her this. Either that or, she'll become an insecure, anxious mess.

Guys, if you have a long line of crazy, insecure, anxious women in your past, it's time to stop and ask yourself why. Because I can assure you that women are not born anxious, insecure and crazy. They become this way because they do not know where they stand with you, your actions are not consistent, and you're confusing them. You're not communicating your intentions clearly through your actions and as a result, the woman is now in a state of uncertainty about you. And once that uncertainty sets in, it will begin to manifest itself in her actions.

Your actions are not that of a masculine leader charting a course and presenting a clear, consistent message that makes her feel secure with you.

So now, the woman is insecure and hell bent on questioning everything you do, and every move you make, in order to receive clarity about where she stands with you. Because your actions are not providing that clarity for her.

The Benefits of Courtship Rituals

Back in the day, courtship rituals were regularly used. Everyone, man and woman, knew what that "language" was, and exactly what these actions meant. It wasn't necessary to have endless "talks" and painful confrontations about where you stand or where the relationship is going. It wasn't necessary to play games, or use tricks to manipulate emotions to your advantage. There was a ritual that provided a language that was enforced by actions - that everyone understood, but very rarely ever had to bother to speak out loud or clarify.

When a man takes the lead and the masculine role when dating, and he enforces that through consistent, reliable actions - there's no need to question him. There's no need to question where the relationship is going. The woman knows where it's going because it's clear the man has charted a course, he's the captain of the ship and she's in good hands. There's no anxiety, no worry, no insecurity, no endless "talks" needed, no questions.

When these courtship rituals are followed and adhered to, it's a lot easier for men and women to jump on the same page. No games. Just straight shootin'.

What a Valuable Woman Looks Like and Can Do for You

Back in the day when these courtship rituals were more widely accepted and used, a man knew that when a woman held out on him, she was a valuable woman worth having.

She was signaling that she was serious about him. She was a woman that respects herself. She didn't go around bedding down with just anyone. She was a strong woman making choices for herself. And she was smart enough to think them through without easily being manipulated and swayed. She wasn't weak. And she didn't take this lightly.

She didn't take YOU lightly.

Instead, she was viewed as a valuable woman. Because we all know that anything worth having always requires hard work to attain. When something is easy to attain, it's not that valuable. She was viewed as a woman capable of bringing out the very best in a man. As Jack Nicholson said in the movie As Good as it Gets, "You make me want to be a better man."

What he meant was that, instead of settling for mediocre, passive behavior from himself that produced mediocre results for himself, Helen Hunt was a woman that made him want to up his game. She made him want to be his best self. By not being easily swayed, her character in the movie challenges Nicholson's character to up his game in an attempt to win her affections. And in doing so, he exhibits his best self in his attempts.

Thus, literally becoming a better man - a better version of himself.

And it's her challenge to him by not being easily swayed by him that brings out his best self.

Sending Mixed Messages When Dating

There are a lot of women commenting, asking questions and seeking advice around this site, trying to decipher men's vague, indecisive, inconsistent actions and behavior:

"He asked me out, then wanted to split the bill with me. I wasn't all that interested in him, he felt more like a friend so I did. And I didn't think he was romantically interested in me because if he was, he wouldn't have asked me to pay my half for the date. But then he kept texting me. I'm so confused. If he didn't like me, then why does he keep texting me? And if he is interested, then why did he ask me to pay? Now I don't know what to do. Does he just want to be friends? Is he just trying to get laid here? Or do you think he likes me? I don't know what to do, please help!"

And she doesn't know what to do, or what the mans intentions are, or what the hell he wants from her. . .because his inconsistent actions and mediocre behavior have confused the hell out of her. So now, she doesn't know how to take the man, or how (or even if) to proceed because the man's actions aren't confidently speaking any specific language.

The man isn't communicating anything but a bunch of mixed messages. He's not participating in a courtship ritual. He's winging it like Mr. Fun Time Guy and expecting stellar results from his mediocre, half-hearted attempts.

The mixed messages that this man's actions are sending this woman are that of, "I ain't taking any of this - or you - seriously."

It's Not About the Money

When you pay for a date, it's not about the money, guys. A girl can buy her own damn dinner nowadays, and she won't have to give up access to her body to get it. Spending $20 of her own money for a dinner is a hell of a lot cheaper than being expected to pay for it by providing access to her body.

Paying for a date is about communicating clearly. Paying for a date is about participating in courtship rituals that both sexes understand. Paying for a date is about signaling your intentions for the woman, and showing her your character as a man. Paying for a date is about showing a woman that you're a serious romantic contender. And bringing your best self to the table lets her know that.

When you pay for a date it lets a woman know that - you're in it to win it.

And naturally, anywhere in life you win some, you lose some. It's all a risk and when dating, we are all taking risks - both men and women. But at least you brought your best self to the game, played fairly, and took it seriously, which builds your character as a man.

Because we all know that cheaters who take shortcuts are cowards that are afraid that they don't have what it takes to play by the rules and win - using real skills.

Private Q&A Sessions Now Available

noreply@blogger.com (The Mirror of Aphrodite) — Sat, 19 Sep 2015 20:40:00 +0000

Ladies, do you have questions but would rather not publish your personal story online? I understand. And due to high demand, I'm pleased to announce that private Q&A sessions are now available via email.

You can now email me your personal story and receive one in-depth response for a fee of $35. If my response generates more questions in your mind, or you'd simply like the conversation to continue, a second follow-up response will be provided for an additional fee of $25.

It's been a bit of a secret up until now that this service is available. Quite honestly, only those that have attempted to contact me privately via email were extended the offer. But as demand grows and after giving this much thought, I've decided now is the time to make it official.

These days, it's hard to find people to trust. And I understand that sometimes you just need someone to listen. Friends and family mean well, but many times, their words are only geared towards making you feel better. Your friends and family care about you. And what's the best way to make someone you care about feel better?

Tell them what they WANT to hear - and not what they may NEED to hear.

If you browse this site and read through the comments and responses here, you'll soon see that I'm a straight shooter. Some call it tough love, but I like to look at it more like logic. Our emotions tend to blind us to the realities in our lives. As they say, "Love is blind." Well, I'm not in love with the man you may be in love with. I'm not being led by my heart. And I'm not partial to anyone involved in the situation. I read your stories and I cut away the emotion and get down to brass tacks, logic and common sense.

Now please bear in mind that I am not a professional counselor, psychologist, psychotherapist or otherwise. I am not formally trained and the opinions expressed on this site and in private email sessions are my own. They do not stem from any professional training, but rather, my own life experience. The discussions and interactions that take place are meant for purposes of insightful entertainment only. Think of it like sitting down with a close friend, "spilling your guts" in a safe environment, and receiving some thought-provoking insights in return from someone that isn't emotionally involved in the situation. After that, your own free will comes into play and your decisions are your own.

So if you're in need and think a talk will bring you peace of mind, or one step closer to making a wise decision for yourself - shoot me an email. I will respond with a PayPal email address that you can remit payment to. Once I receive a notification from PayPal that payment has been received - we'll get started on that conversation that explores your personal situation.

Why You Should Not Date Insecure Men

noreply@blogger.com (The Mirror of Aphrodite) — Sat, 21 Feb 2015 19:51:00 +0000

I’m pretty sure that when you set out to start dating, you didn’t intend to date insecure men. But the reality is that’s exactly what ends up happening, and most times, without you even realizing it.

Insecure men are actually quite adept at attracting the perfect “victim.” And much of this goes back to the theory of the Law of Attraction which states that “like attracts like.” In otherwords, similar energies are, by nature, naturally attracted and drawn to one another. Which means that your insecurities, can actually be drawing insecure men back towards you.

An insecure man needs constant reassurance and validation of himself as a man, and his ideal woman is also insecure and feels “unworthy” of love and therefore, is eagerly willing to constantly sacrifice herself and her needs, thus directing all of her energy towards being his biggest “cheerleader” in life, and completely losing herself and her own identity in the process.

The Negative Cycle of Co-Dependency

This exchange of energy leads to a co-dependent relationship in that, he’s dependent on receiving the constant reassurance and support he needs from others (her) to keep himself feeling like a man, and she’s dependent on receiving the validation she needs to feel “worthy” as a woman by constantly proving herself “useful” to him.

But there’s a problem. This is one-sided and not equal. The man is “receiving” on a constant basis, while the woman is “giving” on a constant basis. (And for any men reading here, this piece is obviously geared towards women. But understand that much of this works both ways and the roles can actually be reversed.)

It becomes a feeding frenzy of negativity. A theme of “reassurance and acceptance” starts to play out. He needs to feel reassured and validated as a man, and she needs to feel accepted and worthy as a woman.

Are You the Perfect Victim?

Insecure men generally tend to seek out women who are an empty vessel. Meaning, similar to a blank slate, much like a brand new computer on the assembly line that’s just been pieced together, with an empty hard drive that’s ready to be programmed. Insecure men do not want to be challenged or questioned and they will eventually flee from strong women who are able to assert themselves. (Hint, hint ladies – “the disappearing man.”)

Insecure men prefer a mild woman who will worship them, not question them, not challenge them, and instead bend over backwards to please them. They prefer a woman who is very pliable and one who makes herself available all the time, forcing her to place her own life aside. (One of the reasons why very young, naïve women are highly sought after by men. It’s not always about sex.) Having that type of a woman makes an insecure man feel good about himself and more like a man.

Insecure men are an emotional wreck internally and to hide that from the rest of the world, they actually become very adept at overcompensating by creating a very refined external image that makes others believe they’re actually very successful in life.

What an Insecure Man Looks Like

Insecure Men Tend to be Loud, Boisterous Frat Boy Types

Insecure men are the guys that are the loudest in the room, the guys that are the life of the party. They are the guys that brag a lot about the successes they’ve had (20 years ago as a high school football player). They are the guys that, when challenged by other men verbally for their offensive behavior, either run away or throw a punch instead of providing a smart intellectual rebuttal (because they have no good excuse for their behavior). These types are usually found wearing Affliction Clothing line tees and True Religion jeans with heavy white stitching, sporting a few tattoos, dig MMA, have a close buzz cut on the sides, treat dating like a sport and have dined on a plethora of steroids. (This explains why they’re always exhibiting hostility and are usually “top heavy” with giant arms and a big upper body that is teetering on skinny legs).

Insecure Men Tend to be all Talk and No Action

Insecure men are the guys who are all talk and no action. The ones who have a tendency to constantly “school” others in a “know it all” fashion in an attempt to fool them into believing they have valuable knowledge to share with the world - while they produce no actual viable results whatsoever.

Insecure Men Tend to Exaggerate Stories

Insecure men are the guys at the bar telling exaggerated stories of sexual conquests with the ladies, yet are never actually spotted with a living, breathing one by their side. Insecure guys tend to have a long, long line of “crazy” exes in their past (not just one or two who truly may have been emotionally off balance), yet fail to realize the women weren’t all crazy and instead, were simply women who called him on his crap all the time.

Insecure Men Tend to Exhibit Offensive, Obnoxious Behavior – Towards Everyone

Insecure men are the guys that are quick to point out the flaws in others. They are the guys that drop small “negs” (negative comments) all the time directed at those around them, in order to bring insecurities in others to the surface, so as to misdirect anyone from noticing their own flaws and insecurities.

Insecure Men Market Themselves Well

They are the guys that have learned to “sell” themselves quite well on the surface, when in reality, they have no job, no car, are skipping out on child support payments and financial debts and are living in their parents basement.

Insecure Men Are Narcissistic Attention Whores

Insecure men are the guys that go around approaching women in nightclubs that are complete strangers and asking to take a selfie with them, and then publishing these photos to social media sites, thereby making them look like they’re in demand with the opposite sex. Their Facebook page is a constant stream of party boy selfies with the occasional self-deprecating post geared towards garnering a ton of compliments for themselves. As a matter of fact, I saw one recently that read, “I’m going to quit being such a man whore and start looking for a good woman.” (As if good women are going to jump at the chance to be with an old man whore.) And to my surprise, that comment garnered a lot of “Awe, you’re not that bad of a guy” responses from women. (Clue: If he’s telling you he’s a man whore – then that’s exactly what he is.)

Insecure Men Can Tend to Look Like the Cat That Ate the Canary

Can you say “smug?” Yea, insecure men create the impression that they’re very self-assured.

If you’re looking at a guy and he’s constantly sporting a “Billy Idol Smile” or a silly Cheshire Grin, and you get the feeling he knows something you don’t know – guess what?

He DOES know something you don’t know. . .he knows that you’re the canary and he’s about to swallow you whole.

Insecure Men Pull Stunts to Create False Appearances

They are the guys that, when on a date with them, leave their phone out on the table and are all too proud to openly inform you (and constantly remind you) that women all over the place are chasing them down. Yet they fail to mention that all the texts and calls they’re receiving are actually responses to the lame “hey” text they sent to every single woman in their Facebook account and on their phone 15 minutes before meeting up with you - so they can receive all these responses in front of you, thereby creating the impression that they’re in demand with the opposite sex.

Insecure Men Are Lazy, Lack Ambition and Seek a Free Ride – Single Mothers Beware

Insecure men are completely okay with riding someone else’s coat tails to the top, namely a woman’s. If there’s not a financially eligible woman to latch onto, they’re usually okay with a mediocre “status quo” for themselves (such as living in their parent’s basement). And when I say financially eligible woman, I’m not talking about a woman earning $100k a year. A lot of times, a single mother receiving financial assistance, child support and food stamps can fall victim to an insecure man because she’s got a home, food on the table, a reliable income stream, and an already existing living situation that the man simply slides right into.

Insecure Men are Flaky, Inconsistent and Full of Empty Promises

He’ll keep you floating on empty promises that he never fulfills. He’ll be like a magician who disappears and reappears at will. He’ll stand you up or cancel last minute for what he considers honest to goodness dates, which are most times actually sofa dates. And he’ll make good use of the learning theory called the random interval reward system to keep you hooked:

Insecure Men Cheat and are Opportunists in Life

The needs of insecure men are so hefty that many times, almost all the time, you’ll find that they’re also cheaters (insecurity and cheating tend to go hand in hand). Because the needs of insecure individuals are so very hefty, many times it takes more than one individual to fulfill them. Even if they weren’t outright seeking to fulfill those needs from several others, rest assured that when the opportunity presents itself - they will take the offer up. This is the reason that a lot of the cheating that occurs with insecure individuals is actually “opportunistic” in nature. When someone has cheated on you and you ask them why, if you hear responses along the lines of, “I didn’t mean to hurt you, it just happened” – then you know you’ve been bitten by an insecure man who took action on an opportunity that presented itself.

Insecure Men Move FAST

In the beginning, they lay it on thick and heavy, telling you everything they think you want to hear, zipping you into the bedroom and a relationship with lightning speed. (Warning: Moving too fast is a big red flag.) They’re pulling a number on you and the speed at which it takes place is mean to disorient and distract you from their real motivation – which is to use you and control you until they decide they’re done with you. They're not good at consistency though or maintaining any of this initial "flowery" behavior, which is why it's important to make a man repeatedly prove himself to you for a consistent length of time. The flakes won't be able to keep it up and they'll soon run once they realize they'll have to work to win you over.

Insecure Men are Emotionally Unavailable and Have a Shallow Orientation

Their inner world will rarely, if ever, be anything you get a peek into. They’re usually immature jokesters who won’t “get real” with you and they’re not interested in hugs and kisses, long talks, affectionate caresses or fulfilling your emotional needs. Being with them feels more like having a child to take care of instead of an intimate lover who’s an equal to you. Their primary goal is to get their own needs met, much like a child, which usually has a shallow orientation focused on nothing but primal, sexual needs and survival – and nothing deeper than that.

Insecure Men are Adept at Using Guilt to Their Advantage

Insecure men are never responsible and never accountable. And if you attempt to make them become that, they are not above spinning that back onto you somehow and making you feel guilty for asking too much of them, and not accepting them for who they are and what they have to offer – which is nobody with nothing to offer other than a mere presence in your life.

The Words and Actions of Insecure Men Do Not Align

Insecure men are men who say one thing – yet do something else completely different. Their words never align with their actions and in essence, they’re full of crap and constantly spewing a lot of BS at you.

The Manipulation

Insecure men (and women) are incredibly manipulative. They’re very adept at getting their negative needs fulfilled by others (because they can’t provide that for themselves). One can almost view them as the vampires of society in that they tend to suck the life out of those they’re partnered with via the hefty need for constant reassurance they have. “Maintaining “ them becomes a full time job.

An insecure man is not much of a provider, he’s more of a taker (the vampire) and contributing in any way other than his mere presence in your life is really not going to be his thing. He may work a mediocre job for a while at your behest, but eventually he’ll have a personality clash with someone at work or he’ll get a hang nail or some other ailment that he’ll use as an excuse to get the hell outta’ there - and then he’ll blame you for the entire debacle.

That reminds me of a National Lampoon movie with Chevy Chase and Randy Quaid, who played Cousin Eddie. Cousin Eddie is an insecure guy, constantly attempting to impress Clark and overcompensate in ways that ultimately make him appear as a buffoon. When asked about his job, his wife (the ever willing cheerleader in his life) does damage control and tells people, “He’s holding out for a management position.” And then it’s pointed out that he’s been holding out - for 7 years.

The End Result of Dating an Insecure Man

Insecure men won’t lift you up – they will only ever control you and pull you down, down, down with them – to their level. You can tread water for a while, but eventually, you’ll exhaust yourself, you’ll never be able to get ahead, you will feel like a 200 pound ball and chain has been tied around your ankle that you just can’t shake, and you’ll realize that it’s either sink or swim. You’re either going to go down with them, or you’re going to have to get away from them.

And mind you, if you don’t leave them first, nine times out of ten, they will eventually leave you. . .and most likely - in a lurch - and much worse off than when they met you.

After all, they are the vampires of the world and once they drain you of your life’s blood, much like a vampire, they have no use for the empty carcass that’s left behind. They are relationship jumpers who consider 3 and 5 month flings honest to goodness real relationships. And if they’re married, guess what? Most times, they’re still conducting those 3 to 5 month flings on the side anyways, or taking up the various one time opportunities that float their way. And beauty isn’t what it’s about when that happens, it’s about their insecurity.

Ever notice how many times the “other woman” in a situation like that is always a hot mess of sorts, and you wonder why the heck the man risked a relationship with a great, beautiful woman for – a bar fly that’s akin to a doorknob who’s permitted everyone in the building to take a turn? It’s rarely the Pamela Anderson’s or Scarlett Johansson’s of the world that play that role. . .it’s always some unassuming, non-descript woman that was like a scrap left on the floor for bottom feeders that leaves you shaking your head asking, “Why, why?”

The reason why is because the woman was pliable and therefore - made a good victim - and fulfilled a shallow need at the time. Remember, insecure individuals are very “needy” (man or woman).

Loyalty is not their thing and they will start to be dismissive of you entirely (not that they were ever really that attentive to you and your needs in the first place), eventually disposing of you when another more promising opportunity (victim) comes along. And if you have a child or children with them, it won’t matter. They’ll easily walk away from you and their own blood without pause, and in keeping with their status quo, will bail on child support, visitation, responsibility, accountability, and/or any financial debt residue left behind.

They will skip into the next relationship as if the one with you never even happened – and you will fast become one of the “crazy” exes he’s telling stories about and receiving sympathy from others over (like he once did with you). And don’t be surprised if, when telling others these stories, he begins to exaggerate it and starts to “project” onto you the very sin that he, himself, committed – cheating.

If you meet a guy who claims that every single ex (not just one or two) he’s ever had has cheated on him, you need to question why that is. He’s either an incredibly lousy, neglectful, apathetic mate – or he’s lying.

Are You Dating an Insecure Man?

In the beginning insecure men come on fast and strong, spreading compliments thick, for about the first 3 or 4 dates and professing to love you by the fifth. They talk strongly and often about a future with you very early on, too early, and tend to fast track you into the bedroom by doing so (because they know women, by nature, bond with men through physical contact).

Insecure men pick their victims well, identify their needs immediately, and then start to fulfill those needs fast – only to yank that all away from you and completely turn the tables once they’ve hooked you.

All those compliments, promises, talk of future, exchanges of love and hot sex. . .yea, that was the bait on the end of the hook. And once you bite, they know they have a winner and they pull back hard on the line, quickly and without warning, reeling you out of the lovely pond you were just swimming in - and onto very dry land where they will watch you eventually suffocate and die without remorse.

If you’re dating a man that’s leaving you feeling completely exhausted, totally emotionally drained, financially wiped out, incredibly neglected, abused and taken advantage of, entirely confused, suspicious and constantly questioning and second guessing yourself – you, my dear, are most likely dating an insecure man.

Get rid of him – NOW.

Protect Yourself

If you want to protect yourself from falling prey to another one in the future (hey, we’ve all been there) - work on yourself. Change always starts with YOU.

Behavior that is self-destructive need no longer take place. Hookups and one night stands, settling for less than you deserve, not demanding traditional first dates where you’re treated like a lady, drinking too much, giving men who treat you poorly a second chance or the benefit of doubt, not carrying yourself with dignity, behaving desperately – no more. It’s a fallacy planted into women’s heads by society that if you smile, sacrifice yourself constantly and “do, do, do” for others like a household appliance. . .you will receive love in return. So forget about that because the only thing that will get you these days is victimized and taken for granted.

Ladies, there are good men still out there, trust me on this. Yes, the “gentlemen” is nearing extinction and entering the realms of the dinosaur, however, they do still exist. And if you work on yourself and participate in things that actually build your confidence, rather than take part in self-destructive behavior that actually chips away at it– you will find that you are no longer attracted to insecure men, you will develop a radar that can see them coming a mile away, and good men will admire your strength, independence and strong will. . .and will begin to enter your life.

If you’re not ready and haven’t done the work, you won’t recognize them, you’ll pass them over, you’ll experience fear and you’ll confuse the “high” of sexual attraction with real emotion and love. If you have done the work, and you know your value and begin to understand what it is that you truly need from a man to be happy – then you can’t miss them.

If you’ve done the work, insecure men will no longer be drawn to you. Instead, they’ll sense immediately that you wouldn’t make an ideal victim - and they’ll quickly flee from you without explanation.

Seriously ladies, be thankful for all the disappearing men in your life - they actually saved you a lot of grief.

Beware the Christmas Holiday Hookup

noreply@blogger.com (The Mirror of Aphrodite) — Sun, 14 Dec 2014 16:10:00 +0000

It’s that time of year – the holidays. A time when loneliness and the extreme awareness of isolation can creep into our lives. It also happens to be a time of year that those we’ve watched walk away from us, have a tendency to reappear – at alarmingly high rates - for a Christmas holiday hookup.

Beware the lonely holiday hearts club, ladies. (And men, this goes for you, too.) Nostalgia, sentiment and warm feelings will enter the minds and hearts of many over the next few weeks, and many may try to take advantage of this, deliberately or unintentionally. Many may rethink their current situations. Many may long for a life change. Many may need a shoulder to cry on. Many may realize that they’re just plain lonely.

And many – may start ringing your phone or sending the proverbial “Hey” text your way.

Beware the Christmas holiday hookup; a common side effect of the lonely holiday hearts club.

The Ghosts of Christmas Past

When the Ghosts of Christmas Past start resurfacing in your life, you might be inclined to look at it optimistically with hope and a sense of glee. But you need to understand that this person isn’t in your life for a reason. The reason they’re not in your life is because it didn’t work. And you need to realize that a Christmas tree, holiday lights, nostalgic sentiments and spiked egg nog - aren’t likely to change that.

As hard as it may be, don’t back pedal into the past at this time of year. Don’t grab hold of the Ghost of Christmas Pasts hand and take that evening ride that Ebenezer Scrooge took, thinking it’ll lead you to your happiness and your heart like it did for him.

That story is a fable; a fictitious tale. And while a journey of the soul like that can indeed be life altering, the reality is that taking that journey with someone you’re not compatible with at a time of the year when rosy emotions gloss real life isn’t wise. The person who left you previously did so because they didn’t see themselves as part of your story. So don’t fool yourself into thinking they’ll be on the pages that will write your future.

A holiday hookup can be detrimental to your future because it injects itself into your new beginning – a brand new year that begins with a clean slate. If you permit a holiday hookup to happen, it muddies your slate and mars something new and fresh by dirtying it up. A holiday hookup can send you off track, distracting you from your real goals and the things you’re really meant to experience, explore and achieve.

Don’t become derailed by a holiday hookup. Instead, stay on track and make plans for the future that are your own and that aren’t influenced by someone else’s presence in your life. Take stock of all the great achievements you’ve made in the passing year, all the personal growth you’ve experienced and be thankful and show gratitude for your failures.

Express Gratitude and Thank Your "Teachers"

Yep – you heard me right – I said failures; show gratitude for your failures and all of the “teachers” that were a part of them. Because it’s these failures that propel your growth. And if it weren’t for the “teachers” that came along to deliver those lessons, you wouldn’t have evolved into the individual you are today.

People are always going to let you down, folks. They’re always going to disappoint you. And this is always going to happen in all types of relationships – romantic, friendship, working relationships and familial ones – that’s life. It’s part of the human condition. And when this happens, you need to cope, not blame. And you need to keep in mind that it’s these moments in life. . . that help you carve out your new life.

It’s these moments in life that help you drill down to what really matters to you. It’s these moments that compel you to make huge life altering changes. It’s these moments that send you off into entirely different directions from where you first began. It’s these moments that make you review where you’ve been, what went wrong, and help you to determine what it is that you need that will truly make you happy. It’s these moments that make you “clean house” by ridding yourself of the people, environments and situations that no longer enhance your life in a positive manner or serve a higher purpose for you anymore.

It’s in these moments, folks that life - real life - happens.

So be thankful for these moments. Show gratitude for these failures and for the teachers who came along and taught you these valuable life lessons that sent you off in search of brand new horizons. If it weren’t for these people, you wouldn’t be experiencing the human condition. If it weren’t for these moments, you wouldn’t be living real life.

Write Your Own Future

Take stock of where you’re at and of where you intend to be a year from now. Thank all those that have entered your life and shown you what you don’t need and what you don’t want more of – for helping you carve out the vision of your new life.

Wish them well and then send them on their way, to head down their own path on their own new journey, leaving them to write the pages of their future on their own – while you construct yours using the new knowledge, tools and insights you’ve gained.

Do not permit the negativity of the past to enter the pages of your future. Rid yourself of those who do not value you and appreciate you. Rid yourself of all those who do not add consistent positive energy to your immediate environment and bring positive value to your life.

Instead, surround yourself with like-minded individuals that see your value, appreciate what you have to offer, embrace your uniqueness and provide support to you on your journey. The energy of life is an equal balance of give and take.

When the Ghost of Christmas Past comes knocking at your door or rattles your bedpost in the dead of night, acknowledge him, express your gratitude for him having entered your life, and then roll over and keep dreaming about the brand new world about to unfold before your very eyes.

“If you can dream it, you can do it.” ~ Walt Disney

Sweet dreams, folks.

Dating a Disappearing Man, Reached Your Limit?

noreply@blogger.com (The Mirror of Aphrodite) — Tue, 18 Nov 2014 23:21:00 +0000

Dating a disappearing man that reappears periodically without notice, and after rudely disappearing on you without explanation, is certainly an experience that many modern day females can relate to.

This can be seen in the discussion of the topic on this piece titled “Disappearing/Reappearing Man: What to Do” which is no longer able to accept any further comments on the site as it’s reached the 5,000 limit.

Yep, I’d say a lot of you have been dating a disappearing man and have reached your limit. I’d go even further and say it’s a modern day dating epidemic. So what’s a girl to do?

Well, I won’t repeat the suggestions I’ve shared on that piece because you’re free to go there and study up on it. However, I will say that after a couple of years’ worth of discussion on dating a disappearing man, and after many thousands of personal stories shared there, it has become apparent to me that the best way to deal with a disappearing man who reappears periodically to dredge things up (before disappearing again) is to focus on yourself – and try your best to forget about him.

Probably not what you were expecting to hear, I understand that. There are very detailed suggestions listed in that article referenced above if you'd like to give it a try. But after a couple of years of observation and lots of discussion with women dating a disappearing man, it has become clear to me that when these types disappear on you, even if they circle back, it generally leads nowhere. And that’s not because there’s something wrong with you – it’s because there’s most likely something wrong with them.

Men who display this pattern of behavior generally do not correct it. I’m sure you’ve heard the old saying, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” And the reality here is that we’re dealing with old dogs, ladies. Plain and simple – and they’re not learning any new tricks. They’re simply repeating the old ones over and over and over again for as long as they’re permitted to get away with it, which brings me to my next point.

People Can Only Treat You as Poorly as You LET Them

When we permit these patterns of behavior to play out in our lives over and over and over again, it should come as no surprise that the same outcome is simply repeated again as well. Yet it perplexes us. If he didn’t like me, why did he bother to come back? If he wanted nothing to do with me back then, why is he ringing my phone again now? It must mean he likes me. It must mean he’s at least slightly interested, right?

Yes, no, and maybe – for all the wrong reasons.

Is he interested in sex? Yes. Is he ready for a committed relationship? No. Has he hit a dry spell? Maybe. Either way you slice it, after a couple of years listening to stories from women out in the trenches dating a disappearing man, I can honestly tell you – I can’t think of one time, not one time, that it’s ever ended with “and they lived happily ever after.” I’ve read a ton of stories about women outgrowing their disappearing man (DM), or boring of him, or tiring of him, or meeting someone else in the 3 months it took him to make his 3rd reappearance. But no, in the 5,000 comments and stories shared, I’ve never heard a story that concluded with a “happily ever after” ending.

What I do hear is a lot of women beating themselves up, blaming themselves, wondering what’s wrong with them, questioning why he hasn’t called and asking when he will. And after a couple of years of researching this topic, I can stand here today and tell you – it’s definitely not you – it’s a modern day epidemic.

Behavior that was once considered abnormal is now slowly becoming the accepted norm. Hiding behind devices in texts and emails is making it even easier to transition society as a whole into the acceptance of this – accepting sociopathic behavior that displays no sense of remorse, guilt or empathy for the individual on the other end of the line. It’s easy to just disappear these days, because half the communication that existed in the first place existed in the virtual world, on a device screen, and not in real life. Gone are the days when you’d have to hold these discussions face to face. Nowadays, don’t like someone; don’t want to see them anymore? Hey, no problem, you’ll never have to speak to them again – just don’t answer any calls, emails or texts from them and voila’ – problem solved.

Throw in online dating and the endless buffet of easy opportunities there and what you end up with is a bunch of kids in a candy store, running around experiencing a fantastic sugar high that they never want to come down from. It builds the ego, it gives them something to brag to their buddies about, and they rarely, if ever, have to face any consequences for it. Hence, the birth of the disappearing man.

Ahh, utopia does exist after all, no?

The Mind Trip a Disappearing Man is Running on You

Many of these bad boy “players” are using a psychological tactic that they’re not even aware of (although some are VERY aware and well educated on the matter). They think they’ve got some magic sauce about them that women just can’t get enough of. But really, all they’ve done is stumbled onto a very real fact about the human psyche:

I just watched two men, both mid 30’s, on a reality television show the other night talking about women and dating - the issue at hand? One man had two great women on his hands. Sigh . . . problems, problems. Yet, he was patting himself on the back proudly about the fact that it was only two – which apparently is down from his usual norm of 8. Yea, you heard me, I said 8. And the other guy he was talking to didn’t blink an eye at that number.

So I think it’s safe to say – rotating 8 women at one time, misleading them all to think you’re “relationship ready”, talking about having babies and a future with them, and using them for sex until it’s time to move onto the next gal in your rotation – is apparently “the norm” in the lifestyle of many young modern males these days.

Should you hold your ground and level the playing field when dating a disappearing man that you sense has you locked into a rotation that he hasn’t exactly been honest about? Absolutely.

Should you hold your breath waiting for him to circle back around again? Don’t bother; it’ll be your turn again before you know it.

Should you pick up that phone or respond to that text when he does circle back around? Probably not – unless you want the first outcome to repeat itself a second time.

So What SHOULD You Do?

Forget having a “talk” with him and instead, do something constructive that will actually benefit YOU - and have that hard talk with yourself.

Ask yourself what it is that causes you to keep taking this man back. What is it that causes you to want to continue dating a disappearing man, despite already knowing that he’s not capable of making you happy or fulfilling your needs. Dig deep, because the answers don’t lie with him – they actually lie WITHIN you.

I repeat - people can only treat you as poorly as you LET them. If you do not permit people to act upon you, then you don’t get hurt, you don’t get used and you don’t let other people make you feel like crap over their shortcomings in life. You check their baggage at their door and you walk away into your future.

I’m not an overly religious individual, although I do consider myself spiritual – but when someone says something that is so very powerful it sends vibrations to your very core . . . then the message must be shared. Having said that, I’ll let Bishop T.D. Jakes take over from here:

“When people can walk away from you, let them walk. I don’t care how wonderful they are, I don’t care how attracted you are to them, I don’t care what they did for you 20 years ago, I don’t care what the situation is. When people can walk away from you, let them walk – because your destiny is not tied to the person who left.”

Can I get an AMEN, ladies!

Why You Should Never Text Nude Images

noreply@blogger.com (The Mirror of Aphrodite) — Wed, 16 Jul 2014 22:04:00 +0000

I know that many folks think very little of providing the milk for free while the cow remains up for sale these days.

But let's face it, when you don't respect yourself and you're out there giving yourself away for free, how then can you expect others to respect you, and commit to you in spite of that disrespect you treat yourself with?

People want what they can't have folks. You know that new tech gadget that's released during the holidays, but only a limited quantity is available - and everyone just HAS to have it, searches high and low for it, gets on waiting lists to possibly receive one...and then spends months after the holidays seeking one out? Do you know why that is, why people do that?

Because it's in our psyche to want what we can't have. It's psychological human behavior to highly value things we have to work hard for. When people are standing on the street corner, giving away thousands of the same item for free in droves and the surrounding streets are littered with them, do you value that item? Or do you turn around and immediately throw it in the trash, drop it on the ground or give it away to someone else?

The same psychological principle applies to your body folks. When you give it away for free, you immediately decrease it's value to others. When something is readily available in large quantities, it's not highly valued. It's no prize to receive. Instead, it's taken for granted and quickly disposed of.

In economics, such as that "latest, greatest tech gadget," it's called the Law of Scarcity.

Manufacturers are using this tactic on you everyday, without you even knowing it. They know that this law is a fundamental law of human existence - and it works. They know that the more people desire something, the harder it is to acquire...the greater the lengths people will go to, to actually acquire it. And not only that, they also know that it's a fact that once this very rare, elusive, highly valued item is finally acquired, it will be cherished by the owner because of the lengths they had to go to, to actually receive it.

And if knowing all of that about human behavior and psychology doesn't convince you not to give yourself away for free - then maybe this will.

An Eye-Opening Study

A study conducted by Avast, a security software tech company, uncovered the real truth about what's on your phones - even after you wipe them. And the findings were more eye-opening than any of the embarrassing images they found.

Avast purchased 20 used Android phones from eBay that were reset and wiped by previous owners. After running readily available recovery software that just about anybody has access to, the following was recovered:

750+ images of nude women.
250+ images of nude men and male "manhood." (Notice women are sending 3x the amount of nude images versus men.)
1,500 images of children.
750 emails and texts.
40,000 photos.
The complete identities of up to 4 previous owners of the devices.
1,000 google searches.
A complete loan application.

Need I say more?

The ramifications of this could quite possibly be endless. A potential employer searching the Net for you could find these images (remember, your name could be recovered as well), they could make their way to Facebook and social media, they could make their way to free porn sites, family and friends may find them online, they could end up published in a print publication, some random dude online could see them, like what he sees, get your name and stalk you down - hell, you could even be blackmailed when you find yourself running for Congress one day.

And if you just cannot help yourself, for whatever reason, and you insist on exhibiting self-destructive behavior, at the very least - at the very least - don't include your face in these images folks. And cover up those identifiable birth marks while you're at it. . .

This girl, unfortunately, did NOT do that - and she accidentally sent it to dear old dad - (Instagram video clip) oops:

Her dad is right - it's called Twitter - not Titter, folks.

What Would Happen If You'd Just Look Up?

noreply@blogger.com (The Mirror of Aphrodite) — Wed, 04 Jun 2014 01:09:00 +0000

“Be kind always, for everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.”

Ahh, relationships - romantic ones, neighborly ones, work related ones, acquaintance connections, peer connections, familial connections…they’re definitely varied, incredibly complex, and subtly dynamic.

They’re like an onion, and once you start peeling back the layers, you’re practically guaranteed of acrid fumes looming in the air.

Why?

Because we’re all human - and thus flawed. If we were perfect folks, we’d all be Gods.

Which brings me back to the quote referenced above.

Everyone is fighting their own battle. Every one of us are flawed. Everyone faces their own individual challenges and obstacles as they go through life.

These days, it’s very easy to project a false image of yourself and successfully sell it as authentic. These days, it’s very easy to be unkind to others without consequence. These days, it’s easy to feel connected, while remaining truly disconnected. These days, you can have 800 “friends,” while ignoring the fact that you’ve never met them. These days, you can cast your judgement freely and you'll never have to see the damage inflicted. These days, you can be in a room full of people - and still feel lonely.

These are the days, huh?

For as much as technology has benefitted our lives, make no mistake – there IS a consequence that results. It’s subtle and akin to the Butterfly Effect. That tiny little ripple that begins far out in the ocean; that miraculously transforms into a Tsunami by the time it hits the shore.

As humans, we all seek acceptance – from our peer groups, from our neighbors, from our loved ones and from society at large. We all want to feel like we’re a valuable part of something, something bigger than ourselves. We seek that acceptance daily and when it’s not provided, we’re like wilted flowers without water, lacking the proper atmosphere to thrive in.

So we reach out. We reach out to those around us, we reach out to our peers, we reach out to our communities and our society at large in very subtle ways, seeking encouragement and reinforcement and the acceptance and approval of others. We’re social creatures and that’s never going to change. And most of the time, we look to technology to provide that connection; that acceptance that we seek.

But can that technology really replace and properly convey the subtleties of life; the subtleties of relationships and human behavior? And does it provide the proper environment for those relationships to not only survive, but truly thrive and flourish?

It’s clear just how much we starve for acceptance and approval as human beings based on the explosive popularity of social media…and it’s nearly utter and complete replacement for genuine understanding and human interaction. It’s clear how many people are lonely. It’s clear how many people seek connection. It’s clear how many people are fighting, and acting out, their own battle in life and using technology as a tool (and an excuse) to do it.

And it’s clear that many people aren’t being kind to themselves when doing it. They think they are, but the “disconnect” that results from our reliance on technology as our main form of communication doesn’t provide the full lens we need to truly see the big picture of how damaging to ourselves - and our relationships – technology truly is.

“Be kind to yourself always, for you’re fighting a battle you know nothing about.”

That’s my take on the quote I referenced at the beginning of this piece. Be kind to yourself. Love yourself always, regardless of the judgment that others project onto you. Always be true to yourself and your beliefs. Do not let others dictate what your life should be; march to the beat of your own drum and the tune that makes you happy. After all, it is your life - and they haven’t had to live it.

Don’t be afraid to break out from the pack; bring your own unique character and assets to the table. Sure, some folks might not appreciate all those things about you, but that doesn’t matter - because the RIGHT person will. You don’t need the approval of the entire world. Besides, you wouldn’t have enough of yourself to nourish all those relationships anyway.

Put the technology down and start being human again. Start being kind again. If you’d just look up, great things might happen. There are powerful messages swirling all around you. . .make sure you're paying attention to them:

Why You Should Not Accept Sofa Dates

noreply@blogger.com (The Mirror of Aphrodite) — Sat, 05 Apr 2014 16:04:00 +0000

There's a new trend in dating ladies, and I like to call it the sofa date. You heard me right, the sofa date - and you've most likely been on one.

This seems to be the new trend and apparently, men are finding it quite useful. It works like this. Take a woman on a nice traditional first date, and then invite her over to your place for a second date, to hang out on your exciting sofa. And I don't really have to explain what comes next.

Times are tough, and money doesn't grow on trees, I get that. However, what ever happened to the days when men actually concerned themselves with impressing a woman and treating her special, like a lady? Coming up with $10 for ice cream or an appetizer somewhere isn't that difficult. It doesn't have to be diamonds and furs or a $100 meal, it simply needs to be a respectable date. A walk in the park is free - but access to someone's body should not be.

Women risk an awful lot when entering into a sexual affair with a man. They risk:

Their health (exposure to STD's that can harm a woman for life, that men carry and never show symptoms of and don't even know they have).
They risk their mental and emotional well-being.
They risk their future - literally - via the risk of pregnancy.

If a man is signaling to you that you should risk those things free of charge for him (not monetarily but through effort and earning), then get the hell away from him because he's signaling that he feels entitled...to receive something for nothing, free of charge with no investment (emotionally or otherwise).

He's signaling that you should be willing to take a bunch of serious risks for him, while he does absolutely nothing to prove himself worthy of you taking that risk.

Do you think grandpa landed grandma by impressing her with his sofa? Doubtful. Do you think your father impressed your mother by showing her his sofa? Doubtful.

The things that impress a woman, while many men erroneously believe are associated with money, in reality are more conceptual things like:

Leadership (taking charge).
Proving themselves (proving they're willing to be a good provider should any potential offspring result from the union).
Evoking positive emotional feelings (special treatment).

Do you think a sofa date accomplishes any of those things? The answer is no, it does not.

Instead, a sofa date signals the opposite to a woman, particularly a woman that's got her head on straight (isn't insecure, desperate or willing to settle). A sofa date signals:

Lack of leadership (laziness).
An unwillingness to prove himself a gentleman (lack of care).
Negative emotional feelings (anxiety, stress and worry over impending sexual advances that are surely on the way).

You're not fooling anyone guys when you ask for a sofa date. The sofa date is the lazy man's way to fast track sex for yourself and everyone knows it, so let's just call a spade a spade here and save ourselves from beating around the bush (pun intended).

If you're invited out for a sofa date early on in the relationship ladies, you should not accept it. And here's why.

Why You Shouldn't Accept Sofa Dates

Before I begin, let me clarify something. If you've been dating for months AND you BOTH agree that you're in a committed relationship, then the sofa date becomes acceptable. However, if you've dated a man once or twice, or for a few weeks or months, and there's NO committed relationship in place - stay off that sofa gals.

As I've already stated above, invitations for sofa dates early on prior to entering into a committed relationship signal things you should be taking note of and I've spelled those things out to you above: 1) lack of leadership (laziness) 2) an unwillingness for the man to prove himself (lack of care) and 3) negative emotional feelings (anxiety and stress over impending sexual advances you know are on the way).

You may be thinking, "Yea, but so what?" and if you're in that frame of mind and view this type of date as harmless, you're not paying attention, you're not looking out for yourself properly, and you're about to walk into a world of hurt. You're about to be used, you're about to let your value in the man's eyes plummet and you're about to willingly walk straight into "hookup" territory - from that day forward.

If you're seeking a serious relationship ladies, the sofa date should be a giant red flag to you. It should signal to you a man that's not relationship material. A man that isn't ready (to actually prove himself a man) a man that isn't going to lift a finger for you (lazy) and a man that's simply seeking gratification for his sexual needs (selfishness).

Is That Your Idea of Prince Charming?

I doubt it. And what kind of relationship do you think you're going to actually have with a man that's signaling these negative things that early on?

You're going to have a casual relationship that exists of hooking up from time to time occasionally (at his convenience), doing nothing but sexing around on his sofa. You're not going to receive regular phone calls, you're going to receive hookup texts. You're not going to be treated special (great date nights), you're going to be used. You're not going to be dating a real man, you're going to be dating an immature man-boy that's going to frustrate you beyond belief. And you're not going to find this relationship enjoyable in the long run. You're going to end up feeling bad about yourself. You're going to end up feeling very used - and you're going to become incredibly insecure.

Why?

Because you're going to eventually end up realizing that this man isn't treating you special or making you happy and fulfilling your needs. You're going to eventually realize that it's all about him and his needs, and it's all at his convenience. And once you enter into that mindset, your going to begin to experience increased anxiety and worry about what's going on and where the relationship is headed - and that will begin to manifest itself in your behavior.

You're Going to Start Acting Out

You're going to start acting out on that anxiety and worry by beginning to question where things are going. You're going to start scheming to try to get the guy to man up. You're going to start asking for regular phone calls, which he won't be willing to provide you, and you're going to begin thinking you're a couple and your his girlfriend, while he's referring to you as a friend and saying things to you like, "Let's just see where this goes" without ever committing to you.

You're going to be left in limbo gals. You're going to be left hanging in a very negative emotional state. And then that man is going to turn the tables on you once you start acting out on those anxieties that HE has created within you (by treating you poorly and using you), he's going to label you with the "crazy" card and then your goose is cooked. Because next he'll immediately begin to pull back, distance himself and eventually - disappear on you.

If you want a relationship ladies, then don't date men that want hookups. If you have one goal and he has an entirely different one, accept that you'll probably never meet in the middle and save yourself the grief.

Do Not Fool Yourself Into Thinking a Hookup Can Manifest Into a Relationship: Take The Right Path

Because that very rarely happens. They are two entirely different things and each requires an entirely different path of procedures to reach the destination. I like to use air travel as an example. Imagine it like this gals. Say you want to travel to India. Would you take a flight to Alaska to get there? Do you think that a flight to Alaska (hookup) will land you in India (relationship)? No, it won't. If you take the flight to Alaska (hookup) then that's where you land - in hookup territory. If you want to go to India (relationship), then you take the flight to India because it's going to land there.

Can you take the flight to Alaska (hookup) and still get to India (relationship)? Maybe - but it will cost you dearly. It will require a ton of expense and a convoluted path of ups and downs, on again, off again, flights. Will you be happy after exhausting yourself to such an extent in an attempt to get to India (relationship) after erroneously boarding the flight to Alaska (hookup). Probably not. You'll land in India (relationship) feeling depleted. It won't be the big revealing moment when you step off the plane and take the experience in with a sense of awe and wonder. Instead, you'll land there and seek the nearest refuge for rest - and then you'll wonder why the hell you just put yourself through this. You'll wonder why you're not as happy as you thought you'd be. Your big moment of arrival that you've been anticipating for months - will fall flat. And you'll ask yourself, "Is this it? Is this what I've been exhausting myself for for months?"

Why?

Because once you land in India (relationship), you're quickly going to realize that it wasn't all that you'd glorified it to be in your head before arriving there. The food may make you ill (negative fulfillment), the people may not be friendly (non-caring) and there's really nothing special for you there (not impressive). (For those of you reading this that love India, please realize this is only an example and I'm in no way suggesting that a visit to India is a bad thing). And you may be so damn exhausted from the trip and trying to reach India (relationship), that once you're there, you just want to go home (leave).

Sofa Date Conclusion

In the end ladies, it is what it is. A sofa date is a hookup situation and it signals that that particular man is seeking to take the easy way out to satisfy his own selfish physical needs. It signals that he's a man that isn't willing to lift a finger for you, isn't worried about impressing you and really doesn't want a relationship in the first place.

And if a man starts off like that, do you honestly think that he'll somehow miraculously change mid-way through?

No, he won't. If he's getting the milk for free, he's never going to feel compelled to buy the cow. And he will forever, from that day forward, expect his milk for free - and the mere insinuation by you that he should now somehow start investing in the milk he's receiving for free, is going to be met with pure resistance.

Men who prefer sofa dates are never going to lift a finger for you. They're never going to treat you special and they'll always attempt to use you, free of charge, to satisfy their own needs. They will view you as an object that exists for free use. And if you attempt to make them view you as a person with real emotions, they will only turn that against you.

Sofa date men will label you "needy" once you start demanding more and once you start acting out on those demands (calling, texting, questioning). They'll then slap another label on you, the "crazy" label - and then they'll bolt. Leaving you behind, feeling very depleted and used.

And that ladies - is why you do NOT accept sofa dates prior to commitment.

Don’t Wait To Be Picked, Enact Your Power

noreply@blogger.com (The Mirror of Aphrodite) — Fri, 14 Feb 2014 22:21:00 +0000

I read lots of stories submitted by women in the comments on the articles on this site, many of which contain an underlying tone of “I feel powerless, what should I do?” In addition to that, there’s an underlying feeling of helplessness that accompanies them.

I read it every single day, scores of women desperately wanting to “do, do, do” something to control the direction a relationship is moving. To speed one up to their satisfaction, to make a man date them in the way they prefer, to nudge the man along…you get the idea.

But here’s the thing ladies. You DO have power - but in many cases, you’re simply choosing not to enact it.

Let’s explore, shall we?

Two Words Apply Here: Passive Versus Proactive

Below is the definition of those two words referenced above.

Passive: “Accepting or allowing what happens, without active response or resistance.”

Proactive: “Creating or controlling a situation by causing something to happen, rather than responding to it after it has happened.”

Get where I’m going here?

I experience this everyday in the comments on this site; women behaving in a passive manner about their future and the man that may or may not be in it.

I see women literally waiting for a man to “pick” them, to reach a decision about them, literally putting their dating lives on hold after a couple of dates or a sexual experience or two. Now granted, it has taken me many, many years to understand the very valuable difference between passive and proactive.

But let me tell you ladies, once you do grasp the concept – empowering is the word.

Free Will and the Power of “Choice”

We all have free will and as such, we are all gifted with the ability to make our own decisions and choices in life.

However, with that gift comes a great amount of responsibility and accountability – for the decisions YOU make. (Heavy is the head that wears the crown…) It goes without saying that we all need to be mature enough to realize that there will be some personal responsibility and accountability that goes along with the power to make those hefty decisions.

When you choose to date passively, you have to accept that you’re choosing to be acted upon by others, thus willfully placing yourself into a rather powerless, hopeless position and one in which you may end up victimized.

However, when you choose to date proactively, you are now choosing to rule your kingdom, in total control of your future and the man who may or may not be in it, thus placing yourself in a very powerful position, one of great hope, and one in which you will not end up victimized.

It’s a mindset, ladies, and it’s a choice. In life we have to be responsible and accountable for our own actions and decisions and when you decide to passively participate in life, often you end up victimized. In the end, there’s no one to blame because you made that co-dependent decision (your decision “depended” upon someone else’s decision, instead of your own), you made the choice for it to be that way.

If, however, you responsibly make a different choice and you chose to proactively participate in life, often you end up feeling in control, feeling as if the world is your oyster. In the end, YOU are the one that is responsible for all the blessings that the universe bestows upon you for your wisdom and strength in making that independent decision for yourself.

Start to look at the world as your oyster ladies, and the men in your life as your kingdom. Instead of passively sitting and waiting, waiting, waiting for men to “pick” you, for THEM to make a decision about YOU – choose to take full advantage of all that life has to offer and of all that being a single, independent modern woman has to offer and instead, YOU make a decision about the MAN. You “pick” your man.

You have the power to do that. You have say-so in the matter. You are free to make your own decisions for yourself and you are empowered by your independence to do so.

Here’s What You DON’T Have The Power To Do:

Make a man love you.
Make a man want to enter into a relationship with you.
Make a man date you and court you in the manner you prefer.
Make a guy get his act together (i.e. remove other women from it).
Control the speed at which the relationship progresses (or whether or not it progresses at all).

Here’s What You DO Have the Power To Do:

Walk away from situations and people that do not make you happy, that make you feel used, and that do not care to fulfill your needs.
Be proactive about finding what it is that you want, what will make you happy, a man that wants the same things as you do and one that’s willing to fulfill your needs.
Make the choice to be responsible and accountable for your own happiness.

Don’t choose to be a helpless victim. Instead, grab hold of the power that is yours. At no other time in history ladies, have women been so powerful and been granted the independence and control over their own lives that they have now – right now, at this very moment in time.

Be a part of that movement, be a part of that revolution and the power that is female force – a piece of that belongs to you, and it’s sitting in your lap, right now as we speak.

Grab your crown and place it high on your head, embrace the responsibility it carries and become accountable for your own happiness – and rule YOUR kingdom with an iron fist. Send them to the dungeons never to see the light of day again, or honor them a Knight at your round table with the possibility of someday becoming your Prince Charming.

The choice is yours – the power is yours. Now what will you do with it – will you start a (dating) revolution?

How Do You Value Yourself?

noreply@blogger.com (The Mirror of Aphrodite) — Sat, 31 Aug 2013 14:12:00 +0000

When dating, it's important to maintain a healthy self-esteem. It's crucial that you value yourself if you want others to see you as valuable.

Having said that, many find (particularly women), that this is easier said than done. But there are ways to recognize your value and then project that worth to others maintaining pure confidence without the appearance of ego and arrogance.

You see, as women, many of us are taught (even if not by words) that the more you do, the more you give, the more you love - the more you will be loved. And that's simply untrue. The reality is that behaving like that with people (other than your children and a grateful husband - keyword, grateful) will most likely lead to you being taken for granted and will lead to others viewing you with a lower perceived value.

When dating, women tend to feel the need to "do" things that they erroneously believe will lead others to love them for it. Is he an alcoholic? "I can save him, he just needs someone to love him." Is he a narcissist? "Oh he loves me, he just can't show it." Is he a user? "He said he wanted to be with me but after we had sex, he disappeared." There's a common theme in each of these situations if you look closely. And that theme is that in each scenario, the woman is "doing" something to keep this going. With the alcoholic, she's babysitting to an extent. With the narcissist, she's making excuses. And with the user, she's providing sexual favors. In each of these scenarios, the woman is giving more of herself than she should be and is expecting to be loved in return.

How often do you think that really ends up being the case?

Not very often at all. And there's another theme running through each of those examples above. And that theme is one of value. In each scenario, the woman is undervaluing herself. She's in denial more or less and via her actions, signals that this is the best she feels she deserves. In each of these scenarios, the woman doesn't know her value as a human being and this causes her to settle for less.

Do you know your value? Let's find out.

How Do You Value Yourself?

How Much Do You Understand the Concept of Perception? (Observing)

How people perceive you depends highly on how you perceive yourself. If you talk yourself down, point out your flaws and share all your fears on the first few dates, basically giving the man 20 reasons he should NOT be interested in you, then guess what happens? He finds himself less interested in you. Not because of what HE thinks of you, but because of what YOU think about YOURSELF. You valued yourself low and as human nature would have it, thus influenced his overall decision about you.

People like to be around positive energy, and confidence is positive and very powerful. So you need to understand the direct connection between how you perceive yourself and how others will ultimately perceive you as a result.

How Much Do You Understand the Value of Selfishness When Done Without Malice? (Protecting)

I know, I know. You're thinking, "What the heck? How can being selfish ever be a good thing?" Well ladies, it can, it can be a very good thing - when done without malice and for the greater good - that "good" being YOU. I'm not telling you to be selfish to the point of harming others. I'm telling you to be selfish when it comes to protecting yourself from others.

Stop "doing, doing, doing" all the time. Cut yourself some slack. People will still love you, even if you don't act like an appliance for them. Women are at it 24/7 generally with busy careers, running a household, caring for others, children, etc. This causes women to have to "wear the pants" in many situations. But when dating, drop those drawers ladies (not literally, of course) - put on that dress, and let someone care for you for once. Let someone treat you special, let someone make you feel good about yourself.

If this individual doesn't do that for you, then you move on. Simple as that, you move on; you become selfish. And you acknowledge what you need from a man to make you happy - and you don't ever settle for less than that. Keep looking until you find it. Because it's what you deserve.

How Much Do You Trust Yourself? (Trusting)

When your gut's rumbling, do you listen to it? Or do you dismiss it and plow full steam into "danger" of sorts, attempting to convince yourself that you can somehow manage to navigate a tricky situation? Because, if you don't trust yourself, then how can you expect others to trust you? Trust is huge in relationships and it doesn't just exist between two individuals, it exists within yourself as well.

If you second guess yourself constantly, those around you will certainly pick up on your distrust of yourself. As a result, your credibility with them begins to wane. Trust yourself and build your credibility.

How Much Do You Think for Yourself and Trust Your Own Judgment? (Thinking)

Women are analytical thinkers, there's no doubt about that. But when analyzing situations, are you leaning on others to guide you or are you trusting your own judgment? (One of those situations where trust plays a role again.) If you tend to lean on others to think for you and to judge situations for you more than you think for yourself and use your own judgment skills - then you don't trust your own judgment.

Stop worrying about what others think and about what they're thinking. Focus on what you think. In the end, your opinion is the only one that matters and if you trust your gut, it'll never steer you wrong.

How Much Does Your Self-Worth Come From "Without" Instead of Within? (Behavior)

If you find that you are always competing and always trying to live up to someone's expectations of you, then guess what? Your self-worth is coming from "without" - it's stemming from "lack." Because you feel you "lack" on some level, you then strive to "fill" yourself up from the outside and use that individuals reaction as an indicator of your self-worth.

Your self-worth should come from within. Relax, stop "doing," stop trying so hard to "fix" everything, stop giving more than you receive - and see how fulfilled you suddenly become.

How Much of a Set of Standards Do You Have That You Adhere To? (Belief)

When you have a set of personal standards that you adhere to, particularly when dating, it basically constructs your personal belief system. If you adhere to that set of standards, then your beliefs stand strong. And if you stand strong in your beliefs, nothing, and I mean nothing, can influence you into doing anything other than that which falls in line with them.

Develop a set of personal beliefs and then stick to them. Don't let anarchy reign, set some healthy boundaries for yourself and with others.

Take the Test

To find out just how much you do, or do not, value yourself, go through each question above and then jot down a number of 1- 10 that most closely relates to "how much" regarding the answer to that question. Total the numbers of your answers.

If you ended up with a total that's 20 and under, you do not value yourself. If you've ended up with a total that's 21 -40, then you're halfway there. If you've ended up with a total 41-60, then give yourself a big pat on the back.

A Healthy Sense of Value and Self-Worth

To build a healthy self-esteem, confidence, and a strong sense of value and self-worth, it is necessary to "align" yourself properly and I believe that there are six main areas of focus necessary to do that. I've listed these six areas in parenthesis above as each question addresses one: Observing, Protecting, Trusting, Thinking, Behavior and Belief.

If you align your observations, you heighten your skills of protection. If you trust in those observations and the actions necessary to protect yourself, then your thinking becomes more clear. And once you're thinking becomes more clear, your behavior tends to fall in line and begins to solidify with your beliefs. It brings to mind an old quote by Mahatma Ghandi:

"Your beliefs become your thoughts, your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions, your actions become your habits, your habits become your values, your values become your destiny."

Trust me ladies, focusing and working on these six areas mentioned above is going to empower you. You're going to trust yourself, you're going to feel in control, you will know what you will and won't tolerate from others, you will be comfortable setting clear and firm boundaries, you will know what it is that you truly believe in, your skills of observation and protection will kick into high gear and you will never question yourself again.

Most importantly, you will not find yourself being acted upon by others.

Your "dog" days are over, ladies:

Predator or Prey: Your Dating Landscape

noreply@blogger.com (The Mirror of Aphrodite) — Thu, 23 May 2013 21:05:00 +0000

By now, you’ve probably all heard the phrase “predator versus prey.” It’s a concept that exists within the wilds of Mother Nature’s landscape – and it’s also a dynamic that exists in the wilds of the dating landscape.

Predators eat things; prey is devoured. The concept is simple enough.

So why is this a crucial concept for both men and women to understand when dating? Because each gender approaches dating from one of these two very different perspectives – you’re either the predator or you’re the prey. And guess which is which?

You guessed it, men are generally the hunters and women are generally the prey. And for this very reason, it seems many times as if men are able to enjoy dating much more than women tend to. Men generally seem to find dating enjoyable, much like a sport or competition, while women generally tend to find dating stressful, uncertain and risky.

For men, the outcome is a conquest, a prize, a win. Sounds like fun, right? For women, the outcome can tend to be that of possibly being devoured, becoming the prize and suffering a loss. Not so fun, huh? This is why many men generally tend to be more confident of their success when dating while lots of women generally tend to be less confident of success and more fearful – it’s the landscape that each is facing.

When dating, it is very important – correct that – it is imperative that each gender form a proper understanding of the other. And in order to form this understanding of one another, you need to realize the reality of the perspective that each is approaching dating with.

It is crucial that each understand what the others “dating landscape” looks like.

Predator or Prey: What Does Your Dating Landscape Look Like?

To have a bit of fun and create a visual perspective of the landscape of each, I might imagine that the dating landscape for man would generally look somewhat like a football field with a big trophy calling their name and beckoning them forward.

For women, I might imagine that their dating landscape would generally look somewhat like the Black Forest, thick and dark, hard to navigate, fraught with danger and perils at every turn, with the only thing calling their name being the safe haven of a cave and warm fire.

Look at the image above – notice the vast difference of each landscape?

I believe it is this very dynamic, this misunderstanding of what the other is facing on their landscape, that causes a good deal of the relationship and dating heartaches we all experience at the hands of others. Men do not understand the risk that dating poses to women and women fail to recognize the fun and competition that dating poses to men.

When a woman is repeatedly devoured emotionally on her dating landscape, the very concept of dating can become associated with negativity and stress rather than enjoyment. And when men repeatedly successfully score wins out on their dating landscape, the very concept of dating can become associated with sport and gaming.

A man’s successful conquests can fuel a strong desire for more faster; while a woman’s unsuccessful losses can tend to fuel confusion and heightened anxiety.

Predator or Prey, Risk Versus Reward: Take a Walk on the Other’s Wild Side

I believe it helps to understand what the other is facing and to gain that understanding, you need to walk a mile in the others shoes. Men, you need to take a walk on the wild side and ladies, you need to sit back, relax and enjoy the competition.

Men

I really don’t think that many men can fully grasp exactly what a woman faces when she steps out onto the dating landscape. But I think that’s only because many men probably don’t take the time to even consider the concept let alone grasp the reality of that environment. Let’s face it, men generally are not the prey in life, but rather are the hunter - and that causes a huge shift in perception. And it’s this lack of understanding that causes men to label women as “crazy” or to throw out the good old standbys, “you think too much” or “you worry too much.”

Women are not wired to be “crazy” guys - they are wired to be “cautious.” And that caution creates the need for questions that require answers - so she may weigh the “risk” involved because she’s the prey. This is primal wiring due to the fact that not only is she the prey, but the risk for her is three-fold:

1) She can be devoured (emotionally).

2) She can become pregnant (physically).

3) She risks catching or coming into contact with infectious diseases that men carry but do not always experience symptoms from, that can render a woman sterile (Chlamydia) or leave her with cancer (via HPV exposure) years later (please, please, please always wrap it up guys).

A woman risks a lot more than a man when mating – she literally puts her life in danger (cancer via HPV exposure) and she risks becoming pregnant, both of which require an increased need for caution. As a result, “women are better at judging risk while men are better at ignoring it.” A statement made and a topic discussed in the book, “Top Dog: The Science of Winning and Losing” by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman.

The closest thing I can compare it to, guys, would be to think of any experience you may have possibly had with a “crazy lady” for lack of a better term. She scared you, didn’t she? The feeling of someone watching you, watching your every move, someone wanting to swallow you up and devour you; the feeling of seeking a safe haven for solace; the feeling of uncertainty, “What is she going to do next?” The feeling of not knowing yourself what to do next, “Should I run, should I stay; should I give her a chance or just walk away before she eats me up or even worse yet – devours me?” “Is she going to hurt me physically?” (Think Lorena Bobbit or Jodi Arias guys.)

You see, in the above scenario – you’re the prey – and you’ve got this fleeting feeling that there’s a possibility you could be devoured and/or harmed. So now you’re confused, scared and possibly unsure of what to do next. That’s what dating in general can tend to be, and feel like, to women, guys.

Can you imagine that? Can you imagine how uncomfortable, uncertain and scary that can be?

Women

Just as I believe it’s difficult for men to fully grasp exactly what a woman faces when she steps onto her dating landscape, I equally feel that it’s difficult for women to grasp exactly what men face on theirs as well. And it’s this lack of understanding that causes a woman to ask questions like, “Why did he do this?” Or, “Is this a game, why would he be playing a game with me?” Or, “Why does he think this is funny?”

The reason for this, ladies, is that men tend to approach dating a bit like a sport or competition of some sort. And as we all know, sport and competition, many times, involves fun, good times, enjoyment, achievement – and adoration.

Men are not approaching dating this way out of malice, they’re primally wired to approach it this way, as a hunter and as a sport where something is to be gained and a potential prize awaits them as well as possibly glory and adoration – resulting in increased overall status.

This is the reason that men tend to not take every little thing quite as seriously as women. They do not face as much risk, but rather, they face more rewards – the rewards outweigh the risk. And since rewards outweigh risk, it becomes a bit more of an enjoyable experience, one that is able to be approached with much less caution and much more enthusiasm.

Ladies, it is very important that you realize that when your man shrugs you off about something that is extremely important to you, he may not be doing it out of malice; he may be doing it because he simply cannot grasp your need to ask or address the issue in the first place. He’s not required or wired to weigh “risk” in the manner that you are. (Note my earlier mention of the book, “Top Dog: The Science of Winning and Losing” by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman where the authors state that “women are better at judging risk while men are better at ignoring it.”)

As a result, he doesn’t understand why what you’re questioning is even important in the first place. His brain deems the information as “useless” to the big picture and therefore, shrugs off the question as meaningless and unnecessary.

And when you push for that answer, he’s wired to minimize your need for a response because to him, it looks as if you’re taking something fun and turning it into something unenjoyable. He doesn’t realize that what you’re actually attempting to do is take something somewhat possibly unenjoyable and possibly uncomfortable for yourself and make it more fun – by asking him to reduce your risk via providing you with an answer.

Conclusion

Men

This concept above of predator versus prey and risk versus reward is why it is so very important to be willing to prove yourself to a woman when dating.

A woman is risking a lot when dating you, so it would serve you well to do your best to be a gentleman and a leader that leads by providing strength, reassurance, support and open lines of communication to her. Anything short of that and you’re going to ultimately disappoint the woman you’re dating.

Once you’ve won your trophy guys, protect it by enclosing it into an airtight case for safe keeping.

Women

This is why it is so very important to guard yourself by making a man prove himself to you when dating. You are risking the very fabric of your emotional being when making an investment, not to mention your very health when entering into a sexual relationship as well as your future, should a pregnancy occur.

If a man isn’t willing to prove himself to you when dating, then you need to be strong enough to walk away from that man. You need a leader that will protect you, safeguard you emotionally and have your best interests at heart. Anything short of that and you will ultimately find yourself disappointed and confused.

Once you’ve become the trophy, demand a safe cave and a warm fire for yourself.

* * * *

Predator or Prey: Your Dating Landscape by Mirror of Aphrodite is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License. (No modifications/derivitives, no commercial use.)

What is The Game: Spot a Pick Up Artist

noreply@blogger.com (The Mirror of Aphrodite) — Thu, 16 May 2013 22:09:00 +0000

There’s a phenomenon that’s taken place ever since the book, “The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists” was first published in 2005. The Game was written by Neil Strauss and is a book about his journey of transformation into his Pick Up Artist (PUA) alter-ego "Style," as guided under the tutelage of “Mystery” – also a self-proclaimed Pick Up Artist.

You can now find hundreds of forums and websites dedicated to PUA teachings; teachings that advocate sociopathic behavior and thinking processes in men. And The Game itself goes a little something like this. . .

The Game

The Game advises men to approach a group of women and lead/lean on every woman there by telling them a previously rehearsed exciting story (Phase One: Attract) - every woman that is, except the one that the man is truly interested in. That woman, yea he’s supposed to ignore her and insult her with what is called throwing a “neg.” And this is after he goes waltzing in there “peacocking.” (And if you’re thinking what I think you’re thinking, you’d be correct. The man is supposed to dress like a kook in some way or to wear/carry a “prop” so as to garner your attention. And if you’ve ever seen the cartoon character that is Mystery, then you know I’m being kind by only applying the word kook.)

You see, in this Pick Up Artist process, the man is basically instructed to emotionally manipulate the woman and walk her, like a dog, through a roller coaster of three stages that are all designed to weaken the woman by undermining her value in order to make her more vulnerable - to sex. Because naturally, after the man swoops in there looking like a circus side-show act and pays more attention to all of the other women in the group and then insults and ignores the girl he’s really interested in – he then moves into Phase Two: the “Comfort” phase – where he provides the neglected, insulted woman a shoulder to cry on and attempts to lift her back up so that he looks good. (Awe, how chivalrous of him.)

Once he’s undermined his intended target’s self-esteem and self-confidence, he is then instructed to move into Phase Three: Seduction. This phase basically involves charming the woman with a bunch of bullshit so that he comes off looking like some kind of savior and the woman is so grateful to finally receive the man’s withheld attention that she just can’t help herself and she jumps right into bed with him.

It’s basically a roller coaster process of “deconstruction” – tearing a woman down (negs), then lifting her up (comfort) and then pouncing when she's in this confused, weakened state (seduction). Sound familiar gals? (I imagine alarm bells are ringing in your head right now.) This emotional manipulation process is meant to affect the woman’s self-confidence and make her weak. It’s meant to turn women into easy prey or VC’s – Victim Chicks – as coined by Pick Up Artists.

There are 3 main components to the Pick Up Artist’s tactics:

• Attract
• Comfort
• Seduction

And then each of those 3 components is then broken down into 3 separate steps for a combined total of 9 steps. That’s a pick up artists total investment ladies – 9 steps, otherwise known as “The Mystery Method” (PDF).

And believe it or not, this step by step process was first created as a way to aid the cartoon character known as Mystery (Erik James Horvat-Markovic) in his day job at the time – that of a professional magician (shocking, I know).

In all honesty though, what else could you expect from a group of men with names like Mystery, Spoon, Sin, Kosmo, Matador, J-Dog and Style? Are these male strippers? Are they members of the Chippendale Dancers? No. “Style” is actually Neil Strauss, author of The Game. Not only are these cartoonish characters advised to dress like circus side-show acts, they are also instructed to name themselves as such.

And what do these buffoons consider “the ultimate challenge?” A stripper - yes, a stripper. A woman who sheds her clothing in exchange for money is somehow considered the ultimate challenge to these men. Seriously, how hard is it to get a stripper to disrobe for you? (No disrespect to any of you female dancers out there, I realize you’re simply earning a living and most likely trying to care for your children, but it is what it is.) The simple fact is – all it takes is money – dah, it’s their job. Yet somehow, these cartoonish fella’s consider this a real challenge? A woman who sheds her clothing for money is a real challenge? A woman whose personal boundaries are already much less than that of a woman who is not used to doing this easily or regularly – is a challenge? A woman whose inhibitions are much less than that of a woman who isn’t as comfortable disrobing for a man – is a challenge?

Okay, whatever.

The Language of a Pick Up Artist

Now let’s take a look at some of their language; a language all its own, yet one that can give you a real glimpse into the mindset of a Pick Up Artist:

Neg, Negging – A backhanded compliment meant to insult the woman. Stunts similar to the ole’ “who is this” response from a woman’s communication attempt, where the man pretends he’s deleted the woman’s number but knows full well who’s contacting him. (Know this ladies, a player/PUA will NEVER delete a woman’s number as he associates the amount of female contacts in his smartphone with his masculinity – in spite of the fact that the rest of society does not). And how these men feel that insulting a woman and decreasing her overall value as a human being is a feeling that she will want more of, I’ll never know.

Peacocking – A tactic that makes you stand out above the rest (because you look like a freak). This basically includes “props” such as a fuzzy hat, goggles, fuzzy jackets, brightly colored clothing, a goofy necklace (preferably one that lights up), fuzzy pants – lots of fuzz, feathers, fur and outlandishness will do.

PUA – Pick Up Artist (I’d like to spin a female take on this one. PUA – Stinky (PU) Ass. Thanks Gemini50 ;-)

IOI – Indicator of Interest

AFOG – Alpha Female of Group

AMOG – Alpha Male of Group (naturally, a big adversary to the PUA).

AK – AMOG Killer (BOOM, my charisma will kill you!)

Set – The “stage” of the situation, as in “theatrical production” – ready on the set ladies!

ASD – Anti-Slut Defense (when a woman attempts to convince you she’s a nice girl, because naturally, any woman that is comfortable with her sexuality is instantly deemed a slut and, therefore, needs an anti-slut defense).

AI – Approach Invitation (a smile, eye contact, etc.)

BHRR – Bait, Hook, Reel, Release (basically, the disappearing man; the ole’ “sweep her off her feet” and then POOF, he’s gone method).

BAFC – Below Average Frustrated Chump

AFC – Average Frustrated Chump

BS – Bitch Shield (naturally, this is an unapproachable woman - because any woman who’s smart enough to see past this charade MUST be a bitch – she’s not intelligent, she’s simply a bitch. I know another meaning for BS - Bullshit).

BD – Boyfriend Destroyer (because a PUA erroneously believes that the fastest way to success is through bad intention).

CR – Canned Routine (need I say more?)

CP – Comfort Plan (“There, there, it’ll be alright. I’ve decided that I suddenly like you; put your head in my lap and it’ll all be okay dear.”)

DHV – Demonstration of Higher Value (similar to a marketing/PR campaign).

DDBL – Doggy Dinner Bowl Look (a compliant woman, “Please, please, please pick me.” *Sad eyes*)

DTF – Down To F*ck (the PUA’s entire goal.)

EE – Eject and Explain (When you’re getting nowhere so you bail, “I'm outta' here, my friends are leaving; catch me later.” I’d like to add my own spin on this one, ladies. Eject and Explain – Prematurely “eject” and then attempt to “explain your shortcomings” away.)

Fatty (Tuna) – A woman who doesn’t look great, but is still doable of course.

FGOP – Fat Girl Overhead Photo (creates an illusion of being thin, because naturally, it’s only looks that truly matter to a PUA).

FTOW – Find and F*ck 10 Other Women (wishful thinking and a fast track to the free clinic for treatment of all of the STD’s you’re also going to “Pick Up” along the way. Hey, I’d like to coin a phrase myself, “DD - Dirty Dick.”)

MLTR – Multiple Long Term Relationships, MTLR Cubed (3 LTR’s simultaneously), MTLR Squared (2 LTR’s simultaneously).

SDL – Same Day Lay

STMD – Sealing the Mother Effing Deal

SNL – Single/Same Night Lay

VC – Victim Chick (the need for the use of this terminology says it all).

WPU – Work Pick Up (shared place of employment)

ZNR – Zero Night Stand (immediate casual sex).

Okay ladies, disgusted yet? Regrettably, there’s more, much more - a full list of this crap, “849 terms and counting.”

The Reality

So just how far does this false illusion of “awesomeness” go? Oh my Lord ladies, you’d be surprised at just how deep it goes.

Don’t believe me?

Take a look at Neil Strauss here, Author of The Game, err. . .my bad, take a look at “Style,” Author of The Game, in this “after and before” shot. The left is the “illusion” and the right is the “reality.”

Now do you see why there’s a need for a fake getup, an alter ego identity and a bunch of schmuck tactics that only work on insecure women? Now do you see the need to prey on the weak and single them out from the pack? The need stems from a complete lack of self-confidence. And the fact is, I’m quite sure there’s more than one woman out there who would’ve accepted this man for exactly who he was had he just worked on his social skills as a human being - instead of caving to low self-esteem and creating an entirely false identity to hide behind.

Which then begs the question, how long can one keep up this charade? Not long as inconsistency, insecurity and false bravado will eventually give way to truth.

I feel sorry for men using these tactics because what they don’t realize is that these tactics only work on insecure women with low self-esteem – like attracts like, folks. And are those REALLY the women men want to date? Are insecure folks with low self-esteem really the folks that ANYONE wants to date, male or female? I realize we all have insecurities, it’s a human condition. However, when you let them guide you, guide your decisions in life and your perception of yourself – you end up with this.

These tactics basically leave men to “slum it,” deep in the depths of the dating ghetto, down in the bottom of the barrel, trolling the clubs and bar scenes for the perfect - Victim Chick (VC). These tactics advocate victimizing women and exploiting their nature – predator versus prey. One of these Pick Up Artist idiots even has what he calls a "rape van." It's crystal clear that these are mentally damaged individuals.

And many of the techniques pick up artists advocate are shameless yet completely obvious once you’re onto them. For instance, many of the online Pick Up Artist forums and chat rooms advocate that men ask random beautiful women in public, complete strangers, to take a photograph with them (be sure to point at the camera so you look cool). Advocating that "Women will find you more attractive, than if you were with a group of guys." That way, the man can then display these images online and give the false illusion that he’s pulling some awesome tail in the real world.

By the way, yes, that's Mystery in the image, furry hat and all.

The Game also advises men to compliment women on things like shoes and handbags as a way to look appreciative of the ways and efforts of women. I don’t know about you ladies, but if a man ever complimented me on my shoes or handbag, I’d secretly be wondering if he was 1.) homosexual or 2.) a closet cross-dresser 3.) married. I mean really, why else would a man be well-versed in women’s fashion? For me, that’d be a big red flag and a sign of a man that’s trying way too hard.

Pick up Artists also wrongly advocate seducing married women and women in relationships. In otherwords, they advocate setting out with bad intention – to break up marriages and relationships, simply to “prove” something to themselves; to prove that they can do this, which in and of itself signals low self-esteem is present in these men because insecure men always feel the need to overcompensate (macho) for their lack of confidence by proving things to themselves for no apparent reason other than – to make themselves feel better about themselves.

Confident men do not feel the need to prove themselves to anyone. Confident men don’t need a “prop” to garner a woman’s attention because it’s their masculine, leading energy that garners all the attention they need. Confident men have the skills necessary to please women, sexually, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Confident men have honed social skills and respectful dating skills and don’t have a need for manipulative tactics.

And many men agree that confidence is key. Here is “Magic” explaining why negs are NOT the way to win a woman over. As much as I hate his name and his overall persona, I have to agree with him that undermining one’s value is not a recipe for success, nor is it going to make a woman want to spend any significant amount of time with a man:

The Game is all about sex. It has nothing to do with real relationships, genuine human interaction or true bonding. Nor does it teach men how to be good lovers. I’d bet my bottom dollar that these PUA’s haven’t a clue what to do with a woman once they actually get her undressed, other than permit themselves to be serviced in some crude manner so as to take the pressure of performance off of themselves and place it squarely on the woman’s shoulders.

The Game teaches men absolutely nothing about what it takes to make (and keep) a real woman happy and standing by a man’s side.

It’s no real "Mystery” – it’s a loser’s game.

Dating Magic: Persuasion, Evoking Positive Feelings

noreply@blogger.com (The Mirror of Aphrodite) — Sat, 06 Apr 2013 20:15:00 +0000

When dating, folks are always seeking that magic pill, that one thing that just wins the object of your affection over in an instant. And while there really is no magic pill, there is the magic of persuasion. Wait, let me correct that. The art of persuasion – and it works like magic.

When it comes to persuasion, this is not simply a method that yields positive results in dating; it also yields positive results in life, in business, in your career, in your friendships and in your family relations. This was a topic that was generated by a valuable member of the community here by the name of Peter. Peter has written here on the topic of masculinity in a piece titled, “Modern Man and Failure to Earn His Power” and he first generated discussion on these behavioral laws in the comments on a post here titled, “Disappearing Reappearing Man: What To Do.”

I’d like to expand upon that by delving into the 9 Laws of Persuasion. These laws govern the decision making process that exists within mankind and they grant one the ability to successfully influence the decisions of others.

You see, when dating, the number one thing – the number one thing – that keeps a person coming back for more. . .are the feelings that you evoke inside of them.

Dating Success and The Evocation of Feelings: Are You Evoking Good or Bad Feelings?

No one wants to spend time with someone that makes them feel crappy about themselves, that’s a fact. So you men out there (the cartoon characters calling themselves “pick up” artists) that feel that apathy, indifference and ignorance towards a woman is a surefire way to make her have feelings for you, you’re wrong. Dead wrong. That’s a surefire way to make her “addicted” to you and “obsessed” with you and “angry” and “desperate” and “frustrated” with you.

That’s a way to evoke negative feelings of insecurity and self-doubt. Is that really what you want to bring onto yourself? Notice that all of the words I emphasized above in quotes are not positive in nature? Behavior that generates negative feelings in another human being rarely, if ever, yield a positive outcome. The only outcome you can expect from evoking those negative feelings in another human being is something akin to the bunny boiling scene in the movie, Fatal Attraction.

Additionally, the group of men out there that believe that placing the burden of moving a relationship forward squarely on the woman’s shoulders by asking her to pursue you, pay for dates and asking her to call you, to come and see you – inviting her to chase you basically – let me explain something to you here. You think that’s what you want; you think that’s what makes you happy. But does it?

Let me ask you this. Have you ever noticed that when you first start liking a woman, things are fine? You’re attracted to her, things are going well, and you’re feeling good about it and about her. You become secure in your success but then suddenly, you feel you’re putting more work into it than she is. As a result, you begin to turn things topsy turvy by inviting her to pursue you. You begin saying things like, “You should call me” or “Why don’t you pay for this one” or “If you want to see me, you need to drive to my place and/or my town.” And then something strange happens. You can’t explain it, you can’t put your finger on it, but it’s there and you begin to feel it.

You suddenly, and without explanation, lose interest in her and you don’t even know why. So you chalk it up to, “Oh well, she just wasn’t the one” or “She got really crazy all of a sudden and began chasing me.”

Accountability in Dating When Evoking Feelings

Well the reality here is that YOU did this. You invited her to chase you. You invited her to pursue you. You invited her to call you. You invited her to take the lead. You invited her to take your power away from you and you invited her to behave in a masculine way by relinquishing control over to her. You got lazy and you invited her to become the man (leader) in the relationship and you willingly chose to take a feminine (passive, submissive) role instead. You drenched your attraction for her with a bucket of cold water by inviting her to pursue you.

You did this; you invoked this behavior, not her.

You see, a lot of you men out there (not all, but many these days) don’t even realize what you need, what makes you happy and what makes you feel proud and manly. You don’t even realize that you actually enjoy the chase, the pursuit and the journey and wining a woman over. You effectively take Mother Nature’s naturally assigned gender roles and you single handedly turn them on their head. You kybosh your own positive feelings evoked during the dating process by inviting HER to do what makes YOU happy. As a result, the woman becomes very unhappy in her newly assigned role and she struggles to please you by increasing her attempts. And you, as a man, become very unhappy with her newly assigned role as well; a role that you, yourself assigned her. You begin to distance yourself from her increased advances to please you, yet you fail to realize this is the very thing you have requested her to do.

I see it all the time and there are literally hundreds of stories shared in the comments on this site that go something like this. “At first he was a great guy, he called all the time, took me out and treated me real nice. We were really having lots of fun. But then he started hinting that I should call him more and that I should start paying for some of the dates and that I should start driving to see him and start texting him more. He said he’s getting upset that he’s the one doing all of the work here and he asked me to do more. So I did. But it seemed like when I did that, it became harder and harder to get his attention. He started to ignore me more and now, he’s not even talking to me anymore.”

Sound familiar folks?

You bet it does and I know it’s resonating and striking a deep chord within every single person, male or female, reading this article right now.

So now that we’ve established the value and importance of evoking positive feelings in one another when dating, we’re going to move into the 9 Laws of Persuasion, laws that can influence another human being’s decisions about you.

Dating Tips Using The 9 Laws of Persuasion and Influence

That magic pill you’ve been searching for? You’ve found it. It’s the silver bullet in dating and in life. It’s a psychological concept that appeals to our base, primal human desires and decision making capabilities. Leaders are firmly aware of the Laws of Persuasion, the ability to influence others and/or large groups into thinking that their decisions are their own. When the reality is, your decision is usually being influenced by another and/or a group.

More importantly, your decisions are being influenced by the feelings that the individual and/or group evokes within you, which is why “gurus,” leaders, activists, governments and corporations are so easily able to influence societal outcomes and business outcomes in many matters.

Do you think Charles Manson was just such a great guy with such brilliant ideas that that was why he was able to influence others to murder for him? No. Do you think Jim Jones was just such a fascinating man that that’s why he was able to influence people to take their own lives and those of their children in the Jonestown mass murder by drinking the Kool Aid? No. These men were acutely aware of the power of persuasion and the ability to influence the decisions of others by evoking positive feelings within them, leading them to believe that this type of behavior was their own idea - and they were happy to oblige.

While some of these laws below may seem counterproductive, the end result is positive. When dating, use these tactics to influence the decisions of the object of your affection and to evoke positive feelings within them – and they’ll be eating from the palm of your hand in no time.

Persuasion Law #1: The Law of Scarcity

This is also known as the Scarcity Theory of Value. Ever notice during the Holiday season there’s a new game or gadget that’s in scarce supply? But everyone suddenly has to have it? Why is that? It’s because people have a natural propensity to long for that which they cannot have. And ladies know this, men equate longing with love. When something is scarce, unknowingly, you place a higher value on it. As a result, once it’s within your grasp, you are elated that you’re now in possession of it. When something is in supply in large quantity, you tend not to value it as much and take it for granted.

Evoke positive feelings via the Law of Scarcity by doling out your attention and affection in small doses so that once your attention and affection is received, the recipient becomes elated with the feeling of having received it.

There’s a difference between scarcity and ignorance, indifference and apathy. It’s a fine line, so walk it carefully. The point is to evoke positive feelings, not negative ones. In order to evoke positive feelings when using the Law of Scarcity – you have to eventually let the recipient have what it is that they are after. (Fellas, hint hint.)

Persuasion Law #2: The Law of Reciprocity

This is a law that refers to give and take, yin and yang, and the creation of a natural balance. If you want someone to feel obligated to you in some way, you have to give to them first. Because it’s the simple act of selflessly giving that evokes a positive feeling of obligation in another human being, the feeling that they WANT to give, not that they HAVE to.

Evoke positive feelings via the Law of Reciprocity by giving selflessly first instead of expecting to receive something for nothing and carrying an air of entitlement. Men, if you provide dinner and flowers to a woman, this will evoke positive feelings in her. She will want to return those positive feelings back to you via a selfless act of her own (Fellas, hint hint. Her attention, her affections and maybe even the possibility of sex).

Persuasion Law #3: The Law of Association

In dating, this can be referred to as “the company you keep.” It can also refer to endorsements from friends. Fellas, if you consider yourself a gentleman yet you keep the company of many players and the cartoonish characters known as pick up artists, via your association to that nefarious group, your value drops in a woman’s eyes. There’s an old saying, “One can judge a man by the company he keeps.” And make no mistake about it; women keep a very close eye on the company a man keeps.

To address the second half referring to endorsements from others, this is when it comes time to meet your dates friends and family. Strive to impress here folks, because if you don’t receive a positive endorsement from friends and family, you’re as good as dead.

Evoke positive feelings via the Law of Association by complimenting friends and family and by putting your best efforts forward to impress them.

When Meeting Your Dates Friends for the First Time:

Guys, if you’re meeting your date’s friends at a bar for the first time, buy a round of drinks for everyone and be approachable and friendly and generous.

Ladies, if it’s you meeting the guys for the first time, don’t have an attitude. Be friendly, make jokes, laugh and smile and bring an air of sunshine into the group. And as much as I don’t endorse a woman footing the bill in the early days of dating, when it comes to meeting the guys, buy them a round of shots and toast them. They’ll think you’re a very cool, fun chick.

When Meeting Your Dates Family for the First Time:

Guys, when you’re meeting the family the first time, bring her mother flowers or at the very least, make some sort of kind gesture towards her, such as a compliment of some sort. And always be sure to shake the fathers hand, like a man, and look him square in the eyes (he’s watching you and how you’re going to handle and treat his daughter.)

Ladies, when you’re meeting the family for the first time, check that attitude and leave it at the door. Be sunny, warm and approachable. Greet his mother with a smile and offer a handshake or a hug. Compliment her on her home and/or her cooking and don’t show up empty handed. Flowers or a tray of cookies or something (if you’re attending a family event) is appropriate. And when the meal has ended, don’t just sit there. Get up off your keister and help clear the table. When meeting the father for the first time, shake his hand and smile and offer a compliment of some sort. Take notice of something he’s interested in, a hobby or maybe a favorite past time of some sort such as racing, riding a motorcycle, shooting guns, etc. and identify with it somehow, “Oh, I was told you like____. I’ve always wanted to do that (shoot a gun, go to a race, ride a motorcycle, etc.)”

Persuasion Law #4: The Law of Contrast

This relates to the concept of taking differences and placing them square against one another, so that the contrast is noticed and what may have seemed like something big, is no longer perceived as such in comparison to something even bigger. Below are examples.

As a woman, you want a commitment. As a man, he generally doesn’t think commitment is necessarily what’s best for him, so he’s much slower to come around to that way of thinking. If you want exclusivity, you might point out someone’s marriage because that’s something big. (I know this seems counterproductive but bear with me here.) You see, you want a tiny commitment, you’re not asking for a big marriage. By pointing out a marriage, all of a sudden, exclusivity seems teensy in comparison. So you might say something like, “Wow, they’ve been married for 40 years. I’m not ready for that. I’d simply be happy with a boyfriend for right now.” By doing so, you’ve contrasted and compared a full blown, decade’s long marriage to the mere fact that you’d be happy with a boyfriend for the time being. All of a sudden, the man is relieved that you’re not expecting marriage right away from a dating situation and this relief has evoked a positive feeling in the man about continuing to date you.

And fellas, for you, it might work like this. Contrast and compare a “crazy” obsessed woman with your date’s cool, calm and collected persona. “My friend Tom’s wife is a bit intense. He can’t leave the house without permission and if he does, she hunts him down. I like that you give me the freedom to spend time with my friends.” By contrasting and comparing your date with a “crazy” woman, she becomes relieved that you don’t view her that way. Instead, you evoke positive feelings within her that encourage her to continue to give you the freedom to spend time with your friends.

Evoke positive feelings via the Law of Contrast by comparing something big with something small that signals your happiness with something small. Translation: Your date won’t have to move heaven and earth to make you happy.

Persuasion Law #5: The Law of Expectancy

Much like a dog strives to please its owner, humans are much the same. And this law works both ways and many times, particularly women, evoke it in its negative form. If, as a woman, you are constantly making accusations and expecting your man to cheat on you, by vocalizing this, you’re planting the seed for him to do so, whether you realize it or not. Your “expectation” manifests as his “reality.” If he’s already being accused of cheating, then he might as well just cheat. And men, if you’re constantly hinting to a woman that you think she’s over reacting and acting crazy, your “expectation” manifests as her “reality.” If it’s crazy you want, then it’s crazy you shall get.

Evoke positive feelings via the Law of Expectancy by encouraging positive behaviors and focusing on those, rather than repeatedly pointing out negative ones.

Persuasion Law #6: The Law of Consistency

When someone takes a stance on something, their natural tendency as a human is to be consistent in defending it. And sometimes this happens whether their stance is valid or not, which is the negative evocation of this law. For instance, if you’re dating a man that doesn’t really like to go out to the bars a lot, but does so with friends one night and you make a big deal out of it, all of a sudden, he begins to invoke his right to go out with friends all the time, whether he wants to or not. He begins to invoke the Law of Consistency with regards to it, in a negative form. But then a funny thing happens. His actions start to reveal that he feels otherwise as he begins to turn down offers of a boys night out. And this is the true Law of Consistency at work.

One’s actions will become consistent with their thinking eventually, whether they realize it or not. Or as Peter stated in his comments on this site, “Humans will always act whether knowingly or unknowingly in a way that is consistent with what they think, know or feel. We can attempt to hide these things but this law makes sure we are a dead giveaway to someone who knows how to read people.” Pay special, close attention to that, ladies, by always making sure a man’s words align with his actions.

Evoke positive feelings via the Law of Consistency by making sure that your words align with your actions. (Fellas hint hint, be a man of your word.) This provides a feeling of security and self-assurance to the individual that you are dating. (Translation guys: Less “crazy” from a woman and more stable.)

Persuasion Law #7: The Law of Power

This relates to your own personal power. When a human being perceives another human being as having some sort of personal power or strength, they tend to buy into that perception. Ladies, don’t talk yourself down with men, talk yourself up. If you are constantly stating that you have small boobs, even if you don’t, then the man’s perception of you is going to become one of believing that you have small boobs, even if you don’t. Because that’s how he’s going to perceive them, via your influence on his decision about them, be it negative or positive. So be very careful, ladies, when enacting the Law of Power with men.

Men are instinctively aware of this law because it relates directly to their masculinity. That’s why you hear men fibbing about their power or exaggerating it at times by saying things like, “So many women are blowing up my phone” or “My last girlfriend was crazy.” It’s because they know that if they give you the perception that they are “famed” in some way or highly sought after, you’ll buy into the illusion that this is true and you’ll fall in line with it whether it’s true or not.

Evoke positive feelings via the Law of Power by talking yourself up (not bullshitting someone, but simply focusing on your assets instead of your liabilities) and creating a perception in the individual that you’re dating that’s one of “I’ve got something very special here.”

Persuasion Law #8: The Law of Friends (Friendship)

When someone you like and consider a friend requests a favor, you’re more apt to want to fulfill their request. Use this to your advantage. If a single man sees a pretty girl struggling to carry groceries and she asks him for help, because he likes her looks, he’s more apt to jump in and help her. If a man is giving and caring towards a woman and he requests a favor from her, the woman is more apt to fulfill his request and provide the favor because she likes the way he treats her.

Evoke the Law of Friends (Friendship) by evoking positive feelings in the individual you’re dating by using the aspects of your friendship and/or likability to your advantage. Include the Law of Reciprocity in with the Law of Friends (Friendship) by creating a healthy flow of give and take and an exchange of positive energy that bounces back and forth between you.

Persuasion Law #9: The Law of Conformity

This ties into the Law of Association in that, the Law of Conformity states that an individual is more likely to agree to something that the majority of other people stand behind as well. So if your dates friends and family like you and you’ve made a good impression on them, you will evoke the Law of Conformity as well by having the group “conform” to a general consensus of “we like you, therefore we support you.”

Evoke the Law of Conformity by evoking positive feelings in those around the individual you’re dating. Majority rules and if you have the majority of your dates friends and family on your side, you have the Law of Authority working for you as well, in that, as a group, your date will be influenced by the groups consensus about you.

Dating Magic

And there you have it folks, dating magic via the art of persuasion.

Hone these skills not only in your dating life but also in your personal life and your career and you’ll soon become an unstoppable force with loads of support and the ability to positively influence the decisions of those around you.

And don’t even think about using these 9 Laws of Persuasion for manipulative, nefarious purposes as they will backfire on you, it’ll simply be a matter of time. Consider that Jim Jones of Jonestown is dead and Charles Mansion is now serving life in prison.

* * * * *

Dating Magic: Persuasion, Evoking Positive Feelings by Mirror of Aphrodite and all comments, personal views, personal stories, advice, suggestions and discussion on this site by The Community of Mirror of Aphrodite is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License. (No Derivative Works — You may not alter, transform, or build upon this work. Noncommercial — You may not use this work for commercial purposes. Attribution — You must attribute Dating Magic: Persuasion, Evoking Positive Feelings to The Mirror of Aphrodite with a link).

The Benefits Of Courtship When Dating

noreply@blogger.com (The Mirror of Aphrodite) — Thu, 28 Feb 2013 22:40:00 +0000

Things sure have changed. These days, there’s a lot of “blurring the lines” between what was traditionally referred to as dating (courtship) and what is now commonly referred to as hooking up (brief casual sexual affair).

These are two entirely different things folks. Dating and courtship have a much greater chance of leading to a long term relationship. Hooking up is not dating and has much lower chances of success. As a matter of fact, the longest relationship, correction “arrangement,” that you can expect from a hook up is approximately 3 months – and that’s really pushing the maximum amount of time. More often than not, hooking up tends to amount to no more than a two week, to one month, long casual affair – otherwise known as a fling.

Don’t confuse the two. They are entirely different processes that will lead to entirely different outcomes.

There are reasons that Mother Nature invented the courtship process. It serves a very definitive purpose and a very important one at that – for both parties involved. You see, when the courtship process is taking place, there’s a lot of non-verbal communication taking place. There’s a lot going on behind the scenes subconsciously and a lot of information is being transmitted via behavior, gestures, body language, unspoken language and the subtle dynamics of feminine versus masculine that ultimately result in the ability to prove oneself worthy as a potential long term mate.

Let’s explore, shall we?

Traditional Dating: The Benefits Of The Courtship Phase

Traditional dating, otherwise known as the courtship phase, is a concept that refers to a process that involves traditional gender roles when it comes to male versus female – masculine versus feminine energy. It is a process that is traditionally done with the male taking the lead, masculine role – that of “impressing” - and the woman taking the submissive, feminine role – that of “observing.” And it’s also the chosen process of the true gentleman. (Punks, players and insecure men prefer the much easier hook up method which grants instant gratification to selfish needs and feeds ego. )

The courtship process involves what could commonly be referred to as a mating ritual. Just like in nature, when you see colorful male birds, puffing their feathers, dancing in front of a female bird, attempting to win her over in an attempt to prove himself worthy of successfully mating with her – that’s how the courtship process works.

The male initiates the courtship and during the early phase, he attempts to impress the woman. He makes special gestures meant just for her and he shows her that he is a good provider, that he is masculine, and that his leadership is to be trusted. If the woman happens to earn more money, a true gentleman still feels it’s important to prove himself worthy in the early stages of the courtship process.

Much the same way the male Satin Bowerbird seen here builds a fortress of seduction as a courtship display to attract a female mate. It’s not a nest, it’s a bower – a bachelor’s “play” pad. All of the efforts placed into the construction of this bachelor pad are intended for one sole purpose – to mate. (Men, there’s a lesson from Mother Nature here: Effort (and Romance) = Successful Mating. )

Male bowerbirds instinctively know that female bowerbirds are attracted to the color blue. As a result, blue objects tend to be the chosen trinkets gathered and presented as gifts, to adorn the seduction pad to lure the female bowerbird into it.

However, the female bowerbird doesn’t simply enter the first male bowerbird’s seduction pad that she comes across. Oh no. The female bowerbird visits all of the other male bowerbird’s seduction pads in her locale before stepping into any one of them to mate.

Is the female bowerbird a gold digger? Is she seeking a rich male bowerbird?

No. She’s seeking a good mate – one worthy of her attention and the luxury of mating. Because you see, in Mother Nature, not every male is privileged enough to mate. The mere fact that male genitalia are carried does not grant males the privilege to mate in nature. Male mating rights must be earned. Female mating rights are granted because females possess the ability to give the gift of life. (Which is why you don’t jump into bed with any man that comes along, ladies. Because he could end up the father of your child. It’s a fact, females have much more at risk when mating.)

A female bowerbird instinctively knows that a male bowerbird’s willingness to go the extra mile during the courtship phase signals him as a male that’s earned the mating privilege. And she will not enter the seduction pad until she’s reviewed all of the other male bowerbird options in her locale and she’s decided that this male bowerbird - is the one worthy of mating privileges.

She’s a smart cookie. She knows that a man’s willingness to provide is closely associated with his masculinity. A male bowerbird that falls short on his courtship display or the building of his seduction pad doesn’t get to mate – because the female bowerbird doesn’t feel he’s the best male representation of her species. And yes, female bowerbirds will even walk away from a male bowerbird seduction pad that includes a dollar bill (no joke, male bowerbirds have even stolen money as trinkets to include in their seduction pad displays).

To the female bowerbird, it’s not about money. It’s about the male’s willingness to provide for her and to properly earn the privilege of mating. The concept she’s focusing on is the male’s willingness to prove himself worthy of mating - not his monetary value.

It Amounts To A Comparable Difference: Provider And Leader Versus Non-Provider And Lazy

Imagine a man that’s found himself unemployed and out of work. A man that may be broke but at heart, has a “willingness” to be a good provider, to prove himself worthy and to do what he must do to provide for his mate and his family. We’ll call him Man A.

Now imagine a man in the same exact situation only this man lacks a “willingness” to be a good provider. We’ll call him Man B. Now, take those two men, each in the same exact situation, and let’s take a close look at the vast difference in ultimate outcome that results from each.

Man A: The Provider Who’s A Leader

Man A, the guy who is broke but has a willingness to be a good provider, will do whatever he can to provide. If it means cutting grass in the neighborhood, to doing odd jobs for family or neighbors, to taking a lower paying job just to keep food on the table – he will do it. He will man up and do whatever needs to be done to fulfill his male role, that of provider, and to prove himself a worthy mate.

As a result, Man A’s mate becomes increasingly impressed with how hard her man works to provide for his family. Her respect for him increases daily and she becomes very supportive and nurturing of him, encouraging him to continue to make forward progress and to be the best version of himself he can be. Man A’s efforts and willingness to provide keep the bond between them tight and their support of one another becomes the glue that keeps them together as a family unit.

Man B: The Non-Provider Who Is Lazy

Man B, however, is a different story. Man B sits on the sofa all day long doing nothing but making excuses for himself. Man B becomes resentful of the burden his mate and his family represent. He becomes difficult to speak to, he begins to distance himself from his mate and his family and he does nothing to improve his situation. Rather, he looks to his mate and he places the responsibility to provide squarely on her shoulders. As a result, Man B’s mate begins losing respect for him as a man, begins viewing him as a less worthy mate, and finds it increasingly difficult to be supportive and nurturing of him. Man B’s lack of effort and willingness to provide have caused a huge rift to appear in the bond between him and his mate and their support of one another begins to deteriorate, resulting in the ultimate breakdown of the family unit.

That’s the difference folks. It’s not about money, it’s about willingness, manhood and worth. And I imagine that many of the women reading this can relate – and would prefer to choose Man A over Man B as a long term mate. And it’s the courtship process that reveals a man’s willingness to take the lead role of provider. Unless you’d like to see Man B sitting on your sofa, resentful and unapproachable, I’d suggest using traditional dating and the courtship process as the path to a meaningful, happy, healthy, mutually successful long term relationship – for men and women both.

Because we can easily reverse the above roles, so let’s explore that for a moment.

It Works Both Ways: Nurturer And Supporter Versus Controlling And Demanding

Imagine a woman that’s an independent modern day woman. We’ll call her Woman A. She’s a woman that, regardless of her personal situation, is “willing” to fulfill her natural gender role of nurturer and supporter.

Now imagine a woman in the same exact situation only this woman lacks a “willingness” to be a nurturer and supporter, rather she prefers the lead role. We’ll call her Woman B. Now, take those two women, each in the same exact situation, and let’s take a close look at the vast difference in ultimate outcome that results from each.

Woman A: Nurturer And Supporter

Woman A is a woman that may or may not have money of her own, but at heart, has a willingness to comfortably fall into her natural role of supporter, nurturer. She is supportive, warm and nurturing (feminine). Unfortunately, her mate has found himself unemployed. However, Woman A, being the supportive, nurturing, feminine type begins to act like a cheerleader of sorts to her man. Encouraging him to be the best man he can be. Regardless of his lack of income, Woman A knows that if she fails to be the supportive force here, she will fail her mate and prove herself unworthy of him. She encourages her mate to push forward and through her nurturing support, her man feels more empowered as a man, assured that his mate is behind him 100%, and it is this support that compels him to successfully find employment in one form or another.

As a result, the man is forever grateful of the supportive, loving, nurturing effect Woman A’s presence brings into his life. She has proved a worthy mate. He knows that regardless of what happens, Woman A is there. She’s not going anywhere and she will continue to support her man in his endeavors. And it’s this reassurance and support that is received from Woman A that becomes the driving force for the man to rise and be the best man he can be. As a result, their bond is strengthened and it is her support and encouragement that becomes the ties that bind, keeping the family unit intact.

Woman B: Non-Nurturer, Controlling And Demanding

Woman B, however, is a different story. Woman B may or may not have money of her own, but at heart, she is “unwilling” to fall into her natural role of supporter and nurturer (feminine). Rather, Woman B is the opposite – she is demanding and controlling (masculine). Unfortunately, her mate has found himself unemployed. And Woman B, failing to be the supportive nurturing feminine type begins to act like a tyrant. She fails to encourage her man and to support him in any way. She fails to prove herself a worthy mate and fails to realize that she has a role here to play. She feels it necessary to emasculate the man, believing that negative reinforcement will somehow have a positive effect. She begins to point out his shortcomings and his current inability to provide. She fails her mate as a woman. Her emasculating comments and her tyrannical dictator-type control, her masculine energy, begins to outweigh that of her man’s and her man begins to feel like much less of a man through her eyes. Her lack of encouragement and support combined with her constant demands fails to compel the man to successfully find employment in one form or another.

As a result, the man becomes resentful of her oppression and begins to view her as unworthy. He feels stifled as a man, he feels weak and powerless. She effectively removes all of the things necessary for his success from the equation (freedom and power). Woman B’s man knows that regardless of what happens, Woman B will not be there for him and he will be unable to please her. He knows she will leave him and never fulfill her natural role of supporter and nurturer. And it’s this fear and oppression that is created by Woman B that becomes the destructive force in the relationship, thus resulting in Woman B’s man becoming increasingly unwilling to fulfill his natural role of provider. As a result, neither is any longer “willing” and their bond is broken and it is her lack of encouragement and support that becomes the wrecking ball that destroys the family unit.

There’s Much To Be Learned From The Ways Of Mother Nature

In Mother Nature, courtship rituals abound – and have remained since the dawn of time. It is the courtship ritual that helps both parties to learn what they can expect from the other and prove their worth to one another, displaying what each can contribute and bring to the table. It is the courtship ritual that reveals both parties “willingness” to fall into their natural gender roles.

What can speculatively be gleaned from the examples above is this. A man that fails to be a good provider in the early stages of dating will fail to be a good provider during the latter stages of a relationship - when it’s needed most. A man that fails to prove himself worthy in the early stages will prove himself unworthy in the latter stages. A woman that fails to be a good nurturer and supporter in the early stages of dating, will fail to be a good nurturer and supporter during the latter stages of a relationship - when it’s needed most. A woman that fails to prove herself worthy in the early stages will prove herself unworthy in the latter stages.

Get what I’m throwing down, folks? You feel me?

The courtship process serves a purpose folks, for men and women both. Skip over it and you’re not going to have a clue as to what you’re truly going to get in the end – until it’s too late. Perform the courtship ritual miserably or incorrectly, and you signal yourself an unworthy mate.

These are primal, biological concepts that are deeply ingrained in mankind. They haven’t changed in eons and they aren’t going to change anytime soon. Men look for a woman to be a good supporter and nurturer (feminine) – one that will help them achieve success and become the best man they can be. Every good man wants a good woman by his side and you’ve all probably heard the old saying, “Behind every good man is a good woman.”

And women look for a man to be a good provider (masculine) – one that is willing to do whatever is necessary under any circumstance, regardless of monetary worth, to provide and care for his family in order to become the best man he can be and to have a woman by his side that is a reflection of himself – the best woman she can be.

Conclusion: Follow Your Chosen Path

The above scenarios are simply that – possible scenarios that can potentially develop from the multitude of unspoken dynamics that take place within relationships. They were simply meant to be used as a demonstration of the “energy” exchange that takes place in relationships (masculine versus feminine).

They were also meant to show you how an individual’s behavior in the early stages of dating can translate into similar behavior later on down the line - thus, reinforcing the importance of noticing, not overlooking, red flags. And reinforcing the benefits of the courtship phase when dating.

The point is: Following the rules of Mother Nature and doing the work will reap you the greatest rewards - rewards that lead to ultimate success, happiness and fulfillment within relationships. Take the easy way out, take the shortcut and the route of the hook up – and you will fail time and time again to obtain happiness and fulfillment.

A hook up has higher odds of leading to a brief affair. A courtship has higher odds of leading to a long term relationship and also provides you valuable insights into the individual you’re dating. Thus granting you a peek at the “big picture,” what life with this individual would be like, should a relationship begin to develop.

It’s all in what you want folks, either a brief fling with a person you hardly know that leaves you feeling confused and used or a long term relationship with someone you’ve taken the time to get to know that leaves you feeling fulfilled and secure – so chose your path wisely and proceed accordingly.

The Secret of Ancient Wisdom and Quantum Mechanics

noreply@blogger.com (The Mirror of Aphrodite) — Sat, 23 Feb 2013 15:28:00 +0000

“Humanities future lies in harnessing the energies that lie hidden in the spaces between the particles, atoms, molecules, planets, stars, and galaxies of the physical universe.” ~ Dr William Tiller

Many of you have heard about the Law of Attraction, a universal law that states “like attracts like.” This is a concept that mystics and spiritualists have been teaching for eons. Many deny its existence; however, the study of quantum mechanics has actually found scientific proof of its existence. Quantum physics is the study of sub-atomic particles; particles that we, as human beings, are essentially made of. The formal definition of the study of quantum physics is, “a branch of physics dealing with physical phenomena at microscopic scales. . . quantum mechanics provides a mathematical description of much of the dual particle-like and wave-like behaviour and interactions of energy and matter.”

When you think, you actually produce a measurable form of energy called a neuropeptide. The formal definition of a neuropeptide is, “small protein-like molecules (peptides) used by neurons to communicate with each other. They are neuronal signalling molecules that influence the activity of the brain in specific ways.” So when you think, you produce a measurable form of energy that is then emitted, much like a radio wave, out into your immediate surroundings – and out into the universe.

This is the basic basis for the Law of Attraction. As Henry Ford once said, ““Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right.” And spiritualists and mystics have always taught the theory, “If you think it, you can be it.”

And now, the study of quantum physics is finding proof that supports what the ancient mystics and modern day spiritualists have always taught.

The Vacuum That Isn’t A Vacuum

Now we all know what a vacuum is - it’s an empty space full of a lot of, nothing.

Or, is it?

No, in fact, as has been shown in quantum mechanics, to have a vacuum is impossible. In quantum mechanics, a vacuum would represent a complete absence of any particle matter, but in reality this cannot be the case. Even in the extremes of space, we only have a model of the “perfect vacuum.” In reality, no matter how close to that model we get, we still have a space filled with an extremely low concentration of hydrogen atoms and background radiation at the very least.

But is that all it is? Is the space between the very building blocks of the universe just an empty void?

Since the time of Plato, it has been known to ancient mystics that there can be no complete “void.” In the 6th century BC, it was central to many ancient “atomist” philosophies that although there may be some level of empty space between atoms - this space would eventually be filled with “continuum.” What we now know to be a form of very dense “energy potential.”

Let us be clear that this vacuum is simply empty of “physical matter.” It is this that is central to the idea of “free energy.” Science was later to discover that this principle was central to the overlapping metaphysical ideas of “intention, attraction, manifestation” and other eastern mystical concepts.

Quantum Genetics And Your DNA

Over the course of past 60 years, Russian research has surpassed western DNA knowledge beyond any proposed model discovered by research from Western Europe and the U.S.A. Not only did the Russians believe the current scientific ideas of the West to be too fixed, they believed them to be wrong. While western science focused research only on 5% of the total human genome, Russian research would focus on the whole human genome in a project that would bridge the gap between ancient mystics and modern quantum physics. The quote below from a report regarding DNA cross intelligence provided the following conclusion of the significance of the research conducted:

“In truth, DNA is not just a blueprint for constructing the body; it is also a storage medium for optical information as well as an organ for communication. Scientists have been seeking the ancestral human language for centuries – we believe we have found it.”

Explanations to some of humanities most ancient beliefs were found everywhere they looked - even by accident.

In one experiment designed to test the effect of single DNA strands on particle level space, results far beyond the expected would illustrate an ancient manifesting power buried deep within us all. And for those of religious faith, consider Psalm 82: 6:

"I have said, Ye are gods; and all of you are children of the most High."

In one study featuring an experimental “perfect vacuum,” where our human DNA was added to measure the effect of light at a particle level, the results proved shocking. Not only did our DNA manifest light particles into synchronization, correlating with the shape of the strand itself, it produced unforeseen effects much like “mini space” in a jar.

Scientists observed tiny wormholes constantly manifesting around our DNA along with what could only termed “fluctuations of the light.” In further experiments, human DNA could be found to retain the light itself, providing a glowing vacuum creating a test tube “bulb.” Ancient beliefs of clairvoyance, healing, rapid intuition, aura energy, light manipulation even weather manipulation had now been proven possible on a quantum level. (Again, bear in mind, the quantum level refers to the level of sub-atomic particles - the very same particles of which we are all made of. So if this can happen with those particles in a lab test, one can easily deduce that it can happen within YOU.)

These tiny wormholes would later be found to be the key to unlocking our manifestation potential.

Further studies provided more detailed information than we had ever thought possible. These miniature magnetic wormholes were “two way communication links to other parts of the known universe.” Our DNA is more than the sum of us - it is a “quantum bio wave computer.” Our tiny, individual wormholes take information and pass it too our consciences - resonating it back to us at a frequency on a genetic level found to be around 150 megahertz.

This would later lead to the conclusion that our DNA was an ancient “harmonic oscillator.” Our DNA was attracting information on a quantum level and organizing it as consciousness.

Stonehenge As A Spiritual Transcendence Tool

It seems that the ancient builders of Stonehenge had knowledge of this concept of DNA as a “harmonic oscillator.” For many, it is believed that the Stonehenge structure is a large spiritual transcendence tool:

“For those of you who may not know, altered states of consciousness can be reached through beat tones and rhythmic sessions at certain frequencies. This is why monks chant, those of Jewish faith rock back and forth (davening) while praying and indigenous people incorporate drumming into their rituals. This is also why Rave participants are easily induced into trance-like states. These rhythmic actions actually produce a clinically measurable effect on the brain.

Through rhythmic sessions and beat tones or binaural beats, the brain reaches a state called "coherence." Coherence is reached when waves in phase and of one wavelength simultaneously are generated in the different parts of the brain. This synchronicity between the waves makes the brain run like an optimal brain and a deep state of altered consciousness can be achieved.”

Researchers of Stonehenge noticed that the side of the rocks facing the interior center of the circle were carved out somewhat to produce a concave "dip" in the face of the rock. Further study revealed that:

“. . . the acoustical qualities of Stonehenge are such that, when the proper rhythm is achieved through beat tones (drumming), Stonehenge actually begins to produce Alpha wave frequencies at 10 HZ to such an extent that it actually begins to ring like a glass. You know the old trick, wet your finger and run it around the lip of a crystal glass and it'll turn into a "singing bowl." Apparently, Stonehenge produces the same effect only on a much grander scale and in low Alpha wave frequencies. Frequencies necessary to achieve altered states of consciousness that allow for astral planing or astral projection (out of body experiences). Combine that with the mind altering substance of the day, Henbane, and you have yourself one hell of a party.”

Ancient Light Workers and Their “Familiars” (Cats)

Ancient “light workers” have long been held sacred, but believed by many in modern society to be another part of outdated thought from our primal past - but this was about to change.

It was later found that our very own DNA could influence ultraviolet photons in an aura directly affecting human metabolism. In extreme cases of “environmental manifestation,” accounts of black ghosts, energy fluctuations, extreme intuition and more could no longer be ignored.

To further add curiosity, science in other areas has produced evidence linking cross species manifestation and influence to our DNA. Cats have been found to emit, and also become sensitized, to human electromagnetic fields and our surrounding “fluctuations.” Not only this, but other studies that have confirmed evidence of the effects of cats on the lowering of human heart rates in the presence of them, has added value to the ancient beliefs in our favourite "familiar." The formal definition of a familiar is:

“. . .supernatural entities believed to assist witches and cunning folk in their practice of magic. . .the main purpose of familiars is to serve the witch or young witch, providing protection for him/her as they come into their new powers. . . according to the records of the time, they would appear in numerous guises, often as an animal.”

And remember, in ancient times, a witch was actually a healer – a man or woman who studied herbal medicine (much like a Shaman) – and not the demonic, evil, modern portrayal of what we commonly refer to as a witch.

Many are the recorded incidents of spontaneous, unexplainable behaviour from our feline friends, giving firm support to the supernatural power of cats put forward in ancient human history. Light workers of all periods were said to be drawn to cats and surrounded by cats as protectors, cleansers and guardians of their own “light side.” However, this still left many ancient blanks.

Genetic Empathy

In research conducted in the institute of heart math, involving the isolation of DNA and the focused power of human emotion, we find answers to some ancient riddles.

The aim of the research was to study why the heart produced a greater electromagnetic field influence than the brain, not just with us, but in our DNA. This research would look to go one step further in investigating the effects of transmission of emotional “intent” on DNA. Trained emotional subjects were each given an emotional “intent” to transmit, and the results were surprising.

In the presence of negative emotions, the isolated DNA became strangled and tight. In the presence of positive emotions, the DNA became extremely relaxed.

Confirming that an empath can not only feel your emotions, but is actually able to manifest them within themselves, on a genetic level. Further military research has since confirmed these results. Donors were tested and emotionally stimulated in order measure changes in samples of their own DNA. What they discovered was that an emotional peak in one room - lead to an emotional peak in our DNA in another room.

To test this, further research continued at a variety of distances that further confirmed these earlier findings. Modern western physics was unable to provide an explanation for how our DNA could manifest these changes at distances of over 350 miles in instant, real-time speed that was synchronised by atomic clocks. Further, they could not answer as to why there should even be any such existing connection at all.

The answer that was deduced in the conclusion of this genetic research conducted, in both the above and previously discussed area, was provided by the head the of the Russian research team at the Academy of Science in Moscow:

“After duplicating experiments many times and checking the equipment in every conceivable way, we were forced to accept the working hypothesis that some new field structures is being excited from the physical vacuum. It appears that this substructure can be excited from the physical vacuum in a range of energies close to zero energy. Our only conclusion is that the DNA itself has manifesting powers through the vacuum separate from deliberate human intention.” ~ Dr. Vladimir Poponin

The DNA Phantom Effect

This is part one of a two part series. In parting, consider that when ancient mystics and modern day spiritualists make the proclamation that God lives within each and every one of us, perhaps what they are referring to is the ability for human beings to tap into the “creative force” of the universe – to manifest heaven right here on earth:

“Thy kingdom come, thy will be done – on earth, as it is in heaven.”

* * * * *

About the Author: Peter is a specialist in Biomechanics and Periodization Science. He is also a qualified Teacher. Peter has an extensive background in Sports Science and due to his Military skills, he is in demand to a wide range of clients. Currently working as a SOF Performance Trainer while running his own personal training business, Peter is an enthusiastic reader of many subjects with an interest in outdoor pursuits and sports.

Modern Man And Failure To Earn His Power

noreply@blogger.com (The Mirror of Aphrodite) — Mon, 11 Feb 2013 22:19:00 +0000

Throughout primitive and ancient times, the idea of “man” and “masculine energy” has meant something different from currently held modern views.

Central to the belief of many primitive tribal, ancient cultures is the idea that a male must earn his right to be a man through hardship - he must "earn" his power.

In modern culture, the idea of “manhood,” as a stage of male power as a prize to be earned, has become as far away from previously held beliefs as is possible. Instead, what we have are a set of “fake” rituals revolving around male dominated social activities that range from sports to dating/sexual milestones.

As a result, the word "man" has become a synonym for "male." When the reality is, just because you're a male, doesn't necessarily mean you're a "man" in the true sense of the word. And because of this weak association, a modern man in today's culture is a man simply because he is bigger, stronger and has male sexual organs.

Males no longer have to “earn their power” as a man - as a right to be considered a real "man" in the true sense of the word.

So what you're left with is a society that's filling up fast with emotionally immature "man boys" instead of real men.

Killing the Boy to Save the Man

In the days of tribal, ancient societies what exactly did a male have to do to earn his power?

He had to kill the boy inside (through hardship and rituals of "initiation").

When a male is young, he is a boy in the sense that his actions are young, naive and represent the true child. In tribal cultures the child, the young boy inside, must be sacrificed in order for the real man to live and manifest within him.

Male initiation ceremonies ranging from lion hunting, vision quests alone in the desert, anesthetic free circumcisions and more have been used as transformation methods intended to "strip" away the boy inside by many tribal cultures. Similar ceremonies revolving around killing, warfare and tremendous acts of drug induced torment have been used alongside those to reach the true meaning of "masculine" power.

In order to survive, the man must move toward true masculine qualities...leadership, strength, protection behavior, mentoring of younger males and an unshakable belief (confidence) in his purpose - as a man. The pain of killing the boy inside leads to a deep level of change that forever impacts the man to advantage - to the survival of the society as whole.

Modern Western countries now tend to be too soft and sheltering of males to allow for these deep lessons that transform boys into men. Add to that a change in the modern definition of parenthood and a loss in the value of traditional gender roles - and we're left with a population of adult boys, "man boys." Instead of real men in the true sense of the word.

The Rise of the Adult Boy

A famous author writing on the subject of hero myths as stories of transformation from "boy to man" presented the ancient belief that a man must be created by following nothing more than the path of the "hero." The path of the hero follows many hardships, trials and deadly obstacles which the man must overcome.

He may be of many cultural types - a lover, king, warrior, redeemer/saint - and may even be a reformed tyrant beaten down and transformed by hardship. No matter what the type of hero or his journey, all of these stories have one thing in common:

For the hero to survive he must kill the boy...and rise to be a hero.

It's no accident that most of these myths involve, in some way, winning the heart of a fair lady. Modern culture no longer encourages traditional hero worship and male initiation through methods of proving manhood - either to a woman or a culture.

As a result, males in many modern cultures now lack the true transformation of "boy to man." We no longer have men - we have “adult boys.”

Many men are now living in a state of "adult boyhood," trapped in a state of immature "boy" thinking. Which has lead to an increase in "Adult Boy Syndrome" also known as "Peter Pan Syndrome," and an abundance of adult men with low EQ (emotional quotient) and EI (emotional intelligence).

We have immature adult males no longer able to present themselves as true men in any capacity - from leadership to careers to relationships.

The Adult Boy in Relationships and Dating

This lack of true male energy could not be more devastating to your dating life - for men and women both. No longer does a man have to win a women by proving his leadership to her.

The mature male pursuit of a women requires that a man have the ability to provide the woman solid proof that she should accept his leadership as a man. The obstacles of a hero in winning his princess are the barriers in providing the proof she needed in order to give herself freely and willingly to the real man.

As a result of this “lack of proof” in the modern day male, the "adult boy" has taken a majority place in the dating world and women now give themselves away too freely to low value men (adult boys) who have no intent of maturely fulfilling her needs as a women.

The adult boy cheats, lies, is selfish, lacks confidence and is insecure. The adult boy lives off of a women rather than provides for her. The adult boy "plays" at dating and plays for sex, much like a child plays with toys. He sees nothing wrong with the destruction of women to feed his “boy” needs.

In short, this has left a litter of destroyed, abused and ruined women in society. Women no longer know what it feels like to have true primal feminine feelings that come with being with a mature man that exhibits masculine energy. True manly behavior in the real "mature" sense has sadly become an unknown quality to many women today.

And regretfully, this situation shows no real sign of stopping any time soon because society no longer requires initiation rituals that strip the "boy" from the male.

Feeling the Masculine Energy

Inside every women, at a primal level, is a built in mechanism to “feel” the presence of true male qualities. Indeed, in many cultures, a males failure to kill the boy results in low levels of attraction and quality mating for him.

In short, primitive cultures believed that when it came to mate selection - a woman would know a real man when she "felt" him.

The transformation of "boy to man" allowed the man to be changed on a deep level resulting in an unshakable projection of true "masculine" leadership qualities and confidence. It was that which allowed the new man to “prove his leadership” while allowing a woman to safely express the true feminine qualities nature provided her.

A real man (masculine) will, on a primal level, literally allow a woman to be what she truly is - a woman (feminine).

In modern countries, we see the same two processes in males repeating all over the world as a result of failure of initiation (stripping away the "boy"):

1) The young male fails initiation. Thus he remains too “nice” and gives away his power to the woman via insecure, approval seeking behavior (immaturity). He will have success in dating only with time and hurtful experience.

2) The second process is one of skewed male power. The idea that a man should dominate a woman. This leads to an abundance of female hating, misogynistic, using and abusing men.

Women want neither of two.

If the boy, however, undergoes initiation in his tribal culture - he emerges as a man who knows how to “keep his power.” As a result, women feel differently, see him differently and he changes the type of woman he looks for in selecting a partner.

* * * * *

Modern Man And Failure To Earn His Power by Peter N. is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License. (No Derivative Works — You may not alter, transform, or build upon this work. Noncommercial — You may not use this work for commercial purposes. Attribution — You must attribute Modern Man And Failure To Earn His Power to Peter N. (with link).)

About the Author: Peter is a specialist in Biomechanics and Periodization Science. He is also a qualified Teacher. Peter has an extensive background in Sports Science and due to his Military skills, he is in demand to a wide range of clients. Currently working as a SOF Performance Trainer while running his own personal training business, Peter is an enthusiastic reader of many subjects with an interest in outdoor pursuits and sports.

Who Should Pay For A Date?

noreply@blogger.com (The Mirror of Aphrodite) — Fri, 08 Feb 2013 00:40:00 +0000

This is a topic that seems to spark a bit of debate each time it arises. Naturally, no one likes to be used. Men claim women use men for money and women claim men use women for sex. And there’s truth to both of those claims. But there’s also a good old fashioned way of alleviating any hard feelings of being used.

How, you ask?

The feeling of being used can be eliminated by fulfilling one another’s needs in respectful ways. Let’s face it, women like sex just as much as men. But guys, nothing makes a woman feel crappier and more insecure about herself than a man ringing her phone at some inopportune moment, inviting himself over to simply plunk himself down on her sofa – and then expecting sex from his less than stellar efforts.

And ladies, nothing makes a man feel more used than a woman accepting a date that the man drops $100 or more on and in the end he doesn’t even receive so much as a thank you or a goodnight kiss from his efforts to impress and the woman displays no intention of ever seeing the man again.

So How Can Ill Feelings of Being Used be Eliminated?

Let’s explore a couple of starters.

The first of which is: Ladies, if you have no intention of ever seeing the man again, pick up the tab or at the very least, offer to pay your half. A true gentleman won’t permit you to do this and, if that’s the case, might I ask that you please reconsider your assumptions of him and give him a second chance?

The second of which is: Men, if you want sex, please consider the use of romance to obtain it. I realize that new concepts such as “no strings attached” exist in the dating world, however, please realize that you can only make a woman feel crappy about herself and used once or twice effectively and get away with it. Any more than that and her insecurities will cause her to rethink the “arrangement” she has with you and she’ll shut you off – and out.

No one wants to spend time with someone that makes them feel crappy about themselves.

This Can All be Avoided With a Very Simple Equation: Romance = Sex

Yep, it’s that simple. If a woman feels romanced (respected) by a man and is made to feel special in some way via actions (not a bunch of BS words), she can be talked into some wild things. Not only that, she’ll tend to go along with those things a lot longer than she would if a man weren’t lifting a finger for her.

And men, we all know you want sex. Is it really that much to ask for you to take a woman out to dinner or offer a movie or drinks or bring her a flower – before you attempt to pounce?

What I’m trying to say here is:

Guys: If you want your needs fulfilled with sex then fulfill a woman’s needs with romance (respect).

Ladies: Refuse to fulfill a man’s needs with sex unless your needs are fulfilled with romance (respect).

It’s a mating dance. It’s the recipe for successful mating and it’s an age-old equation. Romance = Sex.

Gentlemen and Tradition

Listen up guys. Have you ever seen James Bond let a woman provide for him? Nope. And why is that? It’s because James Bond types of men, true gentlemen, true “macs,” understand that women want and need romance and they understand that their masculinity is closely associated with their ability to provide. They understand that the way to successfully mate with a woman – is to be chivalrous, provide for her and romance her.

You’d never see Frank Sinatra or Dean Martin letting a woman pick up the tab or provide for them either. They, too, understood the old equation “Romance = Sex.” They were respectful gentlemen and each considered themselves to be a “man’s man.” And a man’s man does not fall short when it comes to being a man by letting a woman provide for him or take a masculine, leading role.

These men, true gentlemen, realize the value of romance and they understand the implications of masculine versus feminine energy. If Frank Sinatra asked you out to dinner and you, as a woman, attempted to pick up the tab – he would’ve been insulted. You would’ve insulted his masculinity, his manhood, and implied to him that you felt he wasn’t, or couldn’t, be a good provider.

It would’ve been construed as a direct blow to his manhood and his masculinity.

There’s a big difference between gentlemen and immature “man boys.” Even modern day manufacturers and large corporations realize this and embrace good old fashioned values and tradition in this modern day world.

Take, for instance, the Ketel One Vodka marketing campaign. Ketel One Vodka is raising their “value” in consumers’ eyes by marketing their vodka strictly to – yep, you guessed it – gentlemen only. And they make reference to “gentlemen” in every single one of their commercials.

They speak directly to “gentlemen” only in their marketing campaigns and they portray gentlemen as chivalrous and respectful with women in those campaigns. Notice that even though they portray men as men, gentlemen and manly men – they DO NOT portray them as disrespectful cavemen to women. In fact, they portray them as the exact opposite. They portray gentlemen as chivalrous to women – respectful. And this in no way decreases their value as men or portrays them as weak. In fact, it increases their value as men, real men, gentlemen – and portrays them as strong, respectful and chivalrous to women:

Ketel One Vodka realizes that when it comes to men and women, traditional gender roles are primal, deeply ingrained, and still exist. Ketel One strongly realizes that chivalry is not dead and that high value exists in traditional ways.

Ketel One refers to “the days when substance was style” and the days when “men were men” in their marketing campaigns – and they market directly to men, real men, manly men – gentlemen:

So why the heavy play on “real men, manly men” and "tradition" and “gentlemen” in their marketing campaigns?

Because Ketel One realizes that real men, gentlemen – spend money. Ketel One knows that attempting to market to a “man boy” or an immature player will have little to no effect on their sales. Why? Because Ketel One realizes that man boys, immature men who are players – won’t easily part with their money. They realize that man boys and players are generally selfish men.

Ketel One doesn’t want to decrease their “value” in the eyes of others by associating themselves with men such as that. Ketel One wants to place a high value on themselves, their brand, their product and their company by associating and marketing themselves strictly to men, real men, man’s men – gentlemen only. Ketel One realizes that gentlemen are perceived as having a much higher value to other men - and also to women. So the message in their marketing is:

1) Real men, gentlemen, drink Ketel One Vodka.

2) Women place a high value on gentlemen. The message here to men is, “Drink Ketel One and women will place a high value on you. Women will see you as a gentleman, a man’s man, a real man.”

Brilliant if you ask me. I’d date any one of these men portrayed in these commercials in a heartbeat. I wouldn’t hesitate to think twice about it. As a matter of fact, if I met a man like that, I’d be giddy over it. And if I ever see a man drinking Ketel One Vodka when I’m out, you can bet your bottom dollar that subconsciously – he’s going to have a higher value in my eyes and stand out above the rest of the men in the establishment – as a man, a true gentleman.

And this isn’t because I’m some weak minded female that easily falls for marketing and image ploys. It’s because of the association of their brand with “gentlemen” and the subconscious affect that their marketing campaigns have on this primal concept that’s deeply, genetically ingrained inside of each and every one of us – male or female.

My point is: Subtleties and the unspoken dynamics of male versus female, masculine versus feminine energy, and traditional gender roles – still exist – deeply ingrained within men and women’s psyches - particularly when it comes to men, women, love and relationships.

Some May Call It Sexist

But let’s face it - there IS a difference between the sexes. Yes, I’m a woman, an independent woman. I pay my own way, keep a roof over my head and work full time to support myself. But that’s my career – not my life. In life, my personal life, I’m a woman through and through. And when it comes to dating and love and relationships, I’m a woman. I don’t want to be treated like a dude. I don’t want to be a man’s buddy (f**k buddy). I want to be treated like the woman that I am.

One is your work life and the other is your personal life. In your personal life, you’re still a woman so don’t mesh the two. Men like to date women (feminine energy). If they wanted to date a dude (masculine energy), that’s exactly what they’d do – switch teams.

So in my career, I’m comfortable wearing the pants and assuming a leadership role and exhibiting masculine energy. But in my personal life and in my love relationships, I’m a woman. It’s the one area of my life where I prefer to relax, breath and relinquish control and the lead over to a man. It’s one area of my life where I let a man be a man and let myself be a woman.

As a woman, there is great pleasure and satisfaction in being treated as such.

And, ladies, I can tell you this – there is nothing more attractive to men than a woman who can do just that. Men find a woman who can be independent and take care of herself yet still be a woman in all other aspects - completely irresistible. It’s incredibly enticing to men, the thought of a woman like that.

“I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan and never, ever let you forget – you’re a man.” Yet another popular marketing campaign that appealed to the importance of traditional gender roles in relationships, the Enjoli commercial of the 1980’s:

And take a look at the masculinity and romance concept of the recent Old Spice marketing campaign that revived a dying brand and turned it mainstream once again with taglines like, “the man your man could smell like:”

Why do you think campaigns such as these become wildly popular and increase brand sales by the thousands? Why do you think campaigns that signal traditional concepts such as masculine versus feminine combined with romance are still being used to generate sales successfully even in the decades following the women’s liberation movement?

It’s because they appeal to those traditional gender roles that are genetically, deeply ingrained in each and every one of us. If this was such a lost “eras gone by” sexist concept as many would argue, then these campaigns would not be the wildly popular, successful marketing campaigns that they are.

They’re popular because everyone can relate – both men and women.

So before you’re quick to fluff off and dismiss traditional gender roles as sexist and a dead concept from eras gone by, realize that when you boil things down to their base form – men are still men and women are still women. The roles that Mother Nature assigned us millennias ago still exist and are genetically, biologically, deeply ingrained in men and women psyches.

It’s a concept that’s so relevant that it’s still being used successfully in marketing campaigns some 30 years after women’s liberation.

So again I repeat, ladies and gentlemen – Romance = Sex.

The Answer is Clear

Women tend to lose respect for a man that fails to be a good provider. This has nothing to do with money. It's a primal, biological concept. Back in the days of the caveman, the man with the nicest cave who was the best hunter and provided the warmest hides and furs and kept food on the table - yea - he got all the cave babes. He wasn't rich, he was a good provider. And biologically, women are programmed to chose men they mate with that have the best and highest chances of ensuring that any offspring produced from the union have the greatest chance of survival.

On the same token, men are biologically programmed to chose women they mate with that have the best and highest chance of producing offspring for them. And do you know what the number one factor they subconsciously use to make their choice is? Yep, you guessed it - a woman's body.

Studies have revealed that hip to waist ratio matters tremendously when it comes to men's choices in a female mate. Why? Because a proper hip to waist ratio signals "health" to a man. And it's the traditional hour glass figure that appeals the most to them. It's not about being fat or skinny, ladies. It's not about size. Hell, Marilyn Monroe was a size 16 by today's standards. But that blonde bombshell had a near perfect hip to waist ratio of 0.69. Sophia Loren, also a size 16 by today's standards, hit the sweet spot coming in at a perfect 0.7.

So yes, women look for men to be providers and men focus on a woman's physical form. It is what it is, folks. Don't fight it, embrace it. Embrace the differences.

Men, if you want to successfully mate then pay for the date. Don't make a woman feel used by expecting something for nothing.

Ladies, if he's impressed you and you want to see him again, let him be a man and provide for you by picking up the tab. If you have no intention of ever seeing him again, avoid making him feel used by offering to pay your half or pick up the entire tab.

Happy mating and successful dating, folks.

Why A Man Cheats: Reasons for Infidelity

noreply@blogger.com (The Mirror of Aphrodite) — Sat, 26 Jan 2013 17:27:00 +0000

Before beginning, I'd just like to say, women cheat too. Modern research shows that the numbers of women now doing so are quickly catching up to the numbers of men who cheat.

Having said that, we're going to explore some of the most common reasons men cheat. Why only men who cheat? It's simple. Because it's a fact that women explore this topic online more than men. Research showed the average number of folks searching "men cheat" online per month is approximately 201,000. While the average number of searches for "women cheat" is a much lower 74,000.

What's that tell you?

A couple of things. For one, the obvious answer would be because men cheat more. However, the flip side to that is also because many men simply just don't think their girlfriend or wife would cheat on them. The male ego just fights this type of thinking. Why? Because the implication is very primal - a cheating wife or girlfriend can bear another man's child. Even though the implications for a woman are much the same - a cheating husband or boyfriend can father another woman's child - for men, due to the male ego and their overall masculinity, this outcome is much more damaging. Therefore, the mere thought of it is literally sickening to them. Every man sees himself as "The Man" in his head. The only man.

A common claim is that men cheat for sex (although not true) and women cheat for love because they feel emotionally deprived. Which leads me to the second reason why men are much less likely to face the fact that a woman may be cheating on them. Because the implication has a very high likelihood of indicating that she's in love with another man. Whereas with men, sex and emotion are two different things. They compartmentalize them. However, with women, sex and emotion are one and the same. As a result, when a woman cheats on a man, it signals that she feels it's over. Whereas, when a man cheats on a woman, it signals that things are wrong, but doesn't necessarily signal an end to his feelings for his wife or girlfriend.

Lastly, women have the upper hand here. Men simply don't want to think that a woman will cheat on them. As a result, women take full advantage of the seed that's already planted and have a natural ability to hide their cheating activities much more successfully than men.

Interesting fact: Virtually all women who cheat never get caught versus one fifth of men who do.

Interesting fact: 95% of women who have cheated have never been caught.

Interesting fact: Women are better liars because they are more psychologically sophisticated.

And for those simple reasons alone, a woman cheating on a man is literally the kiss of death to a marriage or a relationship. While a man cheating on a woman has a higher likelihood of being forgiven or even overlooked.

Now that we have a better understanding of the dynamics involved, it's clear that many women cheat because they're seeking new love and a fresh start. However, the reasons that men cheat aren't as clear cut and precise.

Three Stages of Love

Eros Love (Romantic Love)

This is the stage of love often referred to as "in love." This is the stage when the human brain is actually producing a chemical effect that's akin to drug addiction. The chemicals produced are dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin (the 3 that produce the "high"), oxytocin and vasopressin (the two "bonding" chemicals), nerve growth factor (the "attachment"), testosterone and estrogen (the "hormones").

And here's an interesting tidbit, ladies. (And it's also the reason that "no contact" is incredibly valuable to women in particular.) Did you know that the events occurring in the brain when we are in love have similarities with mental illness? Did you know that the effects of serotonin on the brain have a similar chemical appearance to the mental illness known as obsessive-compulsive disorder? And did you know that the brain only produces these chemicals for an average of two years in both males and females?

Can anyone say "infatuation?"

Philos Love (Child Rearing/Friendship Love)

This is the "settling in" stage of love when romance tends to take a back seat and child rearing, family and friendship between the couple tends to take a front seat.

This is also the stage when cheating has the highest rate of occurrence. The brain is no longer producing the chemicals referenced above and the woman has had her attention diverted from the man - to her newborn children who have a much higher need for her love, attention and affection. If there are no children produced from the relationship, fractures can easily happen during this stage because there's no assistance with the chemical production produced during the romantic stage, referenced above.

Can anyone say, "in a rut?"

Agape (Unconditional/Companion Love)

Once a couple reaches this stage, they're generally out of the woods, so-to-speak. They love each other unconditionally, warts and all. They are getting ready to enjoy their golden years and are looking forward to growing old together, settling into retirement and welcoming grandchildren into their lives.

Can anyone say, "happily ever after?"

Now that we understand the different stages of love, let's get down to the dirty and explore some of the possible reasons why men cheat. (And for men reading this, some of these you can simply replace "he" with "she" as they apply to both genders.)

Why A Man Cheats

He's Insecure

If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times - insecure men cheat. They just do; whether they love you or not has absolutely nothing to do with it. As a matter of fact, research suggests that most men who cheat claim they still love the woman in their life. And that's because insecurity is a "me" issue, not a "we" issue.

When someone secretly doesn't feel good about themselves, they seek out activities that remedy this. And nothing remedies ill feelings about yourself faster than the attentions and affections of a new lover. Additionally, folks who are insecure are generally equally selfish. As a result, they don't think about "others," they think about "self." Add to that the fact that they tend to focus on "rewards" versus "consequences."

It's a recipe for disaster.

And it's one of the main reason that I warn women dealing with insecure men to really think long and hard about what you're signing on for there. On top of what's referenced above, insecure men tend to enjoy tinkering with the heads and emotions of the woman in their life. They're not good communicators and, as a result, they won't sit down to talk. Instead, they'll pull pranks and play silly "push your button" games. Why? To get a reaction from you. Because if you didn't care, you wouldn't react. So when an insecure man wants reassured that his partner still cares, he won't ask her. Instead, he'll pull a prank that hurts her and then he'll sit back and watch her reaction. Insecure men/women will suck the life out of you and exhaust you - FAST.

Interesting fact: Only 12% of men feel the woman they cheated with was more attractive than their partner.

He's Opportunistic

Did you know that most men usually cheat with a woman they know? Don't get me wrong, you'll always have the types that troll the bar scene for one night stands and anonymous sex. But the majority of men who cheat do not go about it like that. The reality is, they work a situation around them, a woman around them, to their advantage. And then they strike once the iron is hot. This is where the "work wife" becomes dangerous territory. If there's a woman at your man's place of business that he confides in, shares with, lunches with and speaks about regularly - pay close attention to what's developing there.

Men like to make things easy on themselves, ladies. And to them, it's much easier to persuade a woman you know to be your lover than it is to walk into a bar, start from scratch, and attempt to lure the woman back to your apartment.

Interesting fact: 60% of cheating stems from the workplace.

Interesting fact: Only 6% of men claim to have had sex with a woman after meeting her that same day.

Interesting fact: 73% of men claim they got to know the other woman for more than a month before cheating took place.

He's Trying to "Fix" Things

I know. You just read that and said, "Huh?" Let me explain. Men can fix a car, a broken railing, a crack in the sidewalk. But when it comes to their relationships and their emotions, they can't easily fix themselves. As a result, many tend to hang on to what does work, what doesn't need fixed (which may be the wife or girlfriend) and simply resort to plugging the holes they feel inside themselves with extracurricular activities outside of the marriage - to make themselves feel whole again.

Men feel entitled to "have it all." As a result, many will attempt to do just that - take on a mistress to make the longing subside and then live happily ever after, having it all - with their wife AND their mistress.

What better way to feel fulfilled, content and "fixed" - without ever having to confront the real issues?

Interesting fact: 48% of men state emotional dissatisfaction as the cause of their cheating.

He's Hurt

Cheating that stems from revenge doesn't happen as often as it does for the reasons listed above, however, it does happen - but it's not necessarily for revenge. If a man has been deeply hurt by a woman in some way, say she's been snubbing him and nagging at him, making him feel like less of a man and giving him the impression that he simply can't make her happy - if he loves her, he may stay and then cheat to overcompensate for his feeling of "lack" as a man.

Revenge can be a factor here. But the real issue is more one of pain as opposed to getting even for being wronged in some way.

Interesting fact: 66% of men feel guilt during the affair.

He Objectifies Women and Craves Variety

Many men blame it on the genes, claiming that they just can't help themselves. And most times, the one's making that claim are also the men who have a tendency to be adrenaline junkies that objectify women as sexual objects or trophies of sorts and treat dating like a sport. For instance, if you're dating a man and you've heard him rating women on a scale of 1 to 10 - RUN.

He doesn't see you as a person, he sees you as an object. One that's been placed on this earth for him to do as he pleases with. And many times, men of this nature are either sociopathic or narcissistic - or both. These men love the thrill of the chase, the hunt and the conquer. It's their domination over others that's important. They could care less how they treat the other nor do they care about making an impression.

These are the caveman types and many an Alpha male objectifies women.

Interesting fact: When women were tested and forced to view themselves in videos as they felt men would view them (objectifying themselves), they made a greater number of mistakes on cognitive testing (attention, memory, understanding language, learning, reasoning, problem solving, and decision making).

He Gets Away With It

Nobody really knows the exact reasons for this, but it's a fact that many men simply have women in their lives that overlook their behavior and/or accept it. "Boys will be boys."

The most likely reasons would be that women tend to be more forgiving than men, women tend to make excuses for the men in their lives and women tend to fear being alone more than men.

Interesting fact: 15% to 20% of married men who were caught cheating are repeat offenders.

He Travels in a Pack

Ever hear the term, "Birds of a feather flock together?" It seems there's proof of that. When a woman dates a man, she should always pay close attention to the company he keeps. His close circle of friends. If he's a party boy who leans towards impulsive, careless behavior and suffers from restlessness, chances are he's running with a pack of men much like himself.

Often times, they're called "wing men."

These are men that travel in packs, helping one another meet and score with women. Another popular term that stems from this behavior is "taking one for the team." Meaning, he's out with his pack, one of his friends is about to score with a beautiful woman, but it's not going to happen unless his buddy occupies the woman's less attractive girlfriend. In which case, the buddy will "take one for the team" and sleep with the less attractive women just so that his friend can have a shot at scoring with the beautiful girl.

Interesting fact: 77% of men who cheat claim to have at least one close friend that also cheats.

He's Wealthy

Many men marry what has become affectionately coined, their "starter wife." This is the girl they most likely fell in love with at a young age and had a great friendship with. When they met, they were both kids in love without two pennies to rub together, yet still managed to always have a great time with one another.

The man starts to build his career over the course of many years and then one fine day - he arrives. He's gone from earning $17,000 a year at the local burger joint while attending college to suddenly landing that $300,000 a year job. And as we all know, perks come with money. And one of those perks for a man who suddenly finds himself wealthy is - young, beautiful women are suddenly paying attention to him. Women who, 10-20 years ago, wouldn't have given him the time of day.

Power and money are intoxicating and particularly appealing to the male ego. Which is why I warn the women that long for a successful corporate/business man as a husband or boyfriend to be very careful what you wish for.

"Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men." ~ Lord Acton

Interesting fact: 32% of men with a $300,000 a year income claim to have cheated versus 21% of men making less than $35,000 a year.

It's a Learned Behavior

When a man is raised in a home with one or both parents engaging in affairs outside of the marriage, the likelihood of him leading the same lifestyle as an adult jumps considerably. The reason for this is because your parents are the two people in your life that teach you how men and women should interact with one another. If a young boy knows the father is cheating on the mother and he witnesses the mother overlooking this behavior, he says to himself, "I guess it's okay for men to do this. I guess it's their right and I guess women know this and accept it. I guess this is what a relationship between a man and a woman is."

As a result, they themselves develop the same lifestyle and have a much higher likelihood of recreating that atmosphere in their own relationships. Trust me on this one, ladies. My ex of 12 years, when caught cheating and I asked for a divorce as a result, actually said to me, "Why do you have to be such a bitch? You know, most women go through this, but they don't throw away their marriages over it."

My response? "You didn't marry "most" women. You married me. And when I stood at the alter and we exchanged our vows, I don't recall signing on for that."

If you want to know what life would be like with the man you're dating, look to his parent's relationship. In my case, my exes mother and father both cheated. His mother did it very early in the marriage as a knee jerk reaction to her husband's infidelity. She felt neglected and unloved. She chose to remain in the marriage and ceased the behavior - but his father still carries it on to this day, some 40+ years later - much like his paternal grandmother (his dad's mom) had done for the duration of her marriage. Dysfunctional family patterns tend to repeat themselves throughout history until someone breaks the cycle.

Interesting fact: 50% of men who cheated claimed to have fathers who also did so.

Interesting fact: 53% of men who cheated claim to have immediate family members who cheated.

Interesting fact: 21% of men who cheated had fathers that had multiple affairs.

Noticing a Theme Here?

In just about every single one of the scenarios above, notice that none of them were a direct reflection on the woman. Notice that just about every single one of them is a reflection on the man. Even in the scenario where a man might be hurt by the woman for one reason or another, it's still his CHOICE to conduct an affair rather than WORK out the issues.

“I'm going to take the high road because the low road is so crowded.” ~ Mia Farrow

Cheating is a choice, folks.

And when men decide to cheat, they make those choices based on what's going on inside of THEM - not based on what the woman is or isn't doing. Sure, they use the behavior of the woman as an excuse or justification for their behavior, but the simple fact of the matter is that most men use cheating as a means of coping. Coping with stress, anxiety, dissatisfaction, unhappiness, past traumas and childhood experiences and self esteem issues. Cheating occurrences for reasons of sex alone are actually very low.

Interesting fact: Only 8% of men who cheat claim sexual dissatisfaction as the reason.

Much like folks use alcohol, tobacco, drugs and gambling as coping mechanisms, many men also choose to use cheating much the same. "If I just do this, then I'll forget about all of that and this will go away."

But the reality appears to be that it boils down to choice and an inability to cope, emotionally, with issues of success, dissatisfaction, past experience, peer pressure, temptation, relationship problems and feelings of self worth.

Now this may sound sexist and I understand why. But realize that what I'm about to say isn't based on my past experiences, it's based on the insights contained in the statistics and the psychology behind what motivates men to cheat versus what motivates women to cheat. Which I believe reveals that when you have a man that's cheating, you appear to have a broken man. Whereas, when you have a woman that's cheating, you appear to have an unloved, neglected woman.

Would you agree or disagree?

Here's some old school wisdom on the topic from back in my day. The lyrics ring true:

Dumper or Dumpee: Dating Help With A Break Up

noreply@blogger.com (The Mirror of Aphrodite) — Fri, 18 Jan 2013 23:17:00 +0000

We’re going to take an in-depth look into the concept known as dumper versus dumpee in the world of dating and a break up.

There is much debate as to who suffers more after a break up - the dumper or the dumpee? We’re also going to explore the likelihood of one or the other requesting a renewed relationship after the break up.

After much consideration, study and research on the subject, it could just be that the pain involved is not what affects the ultimate outcome. But we’ll get to that.
However, it does pay to explore where both, the dumper and dumpee’s, minds, thoughts and feelings may be at the time of the occurrence of a dump as well as month’s afterwards.

So let’s break this down by first taking a look at what might be going on in the mind of both the dumper and dumpee in this situation and then we’ll move along from there.

Dumper or Dumpee: Who’s Hurting More?

That depends. And I believe it depends on the reason for the dump. So let’s explore a couple of the most common reasons for this:

Man Disrespects or Disappoints The Woman

In this scenario, the reason for the break up is apparent – the woman feels disrespected and/or disappointed by the man in some way and, as a result, she feels compelled to stand up for herself and dumps the man before he begins taking her for granted. She doesn’t necessarily WANT to do this, yet she HAS to do this if she’s to be respected and treated properly by men.

As a result, I believe the woman, the dumper here, would be very open to a return from the man to reignite the relationship (unless he cheated). Chances are she’s hurting badly and left wondering why he did what he did that forced her to take this action. So if the dumpee, the man, returns to make amends, I believe he will have an increased success rate of actually repairing things and making amends, as long as his intentions are genuine, he apologizes, becomes accountable for his actions and shows the woman the respect she deserves.

Who’s hurting more: In this case, I believe the dumper is hurting more than the dumpee.

Woman Disrespects or Disappoints The Man

In this scenario, we have a couple of additional dynamics involved when compared to the situation above. And those would be 1) male ego and 2) male pride. These can complicate things and create a very different outcome. If a man feels embarrassed (pride) and emasculated (ego) by the woman and he dumps her as a result, he will be very hurt and the chances of him returning to reignite the relationship are decreased. As a result, I believe the man here would be less likely to return to reignite the relationship.

Who’s hurting more: In this case, I believe the dumpee is hurting more than the dumper.

A possible variable to that would be – if HE did something to bring this disrespect or disappointment from the woman upon himself and she then dumped him. In which case, after a considerable amount of time has passed since he’s last communicated with her (one to three months), he may begin to miss her and rethink things and realize that his actions caused the woman’s behavior. As a result, he may return to make amends and attempt to reignite the relationship.

Who’s hurting more: In this case, I believe the dumper would initially be the one hurting and the dumpee would begin to hurt some time later.

The Woman Chases and “Spooks” The Man Away

In this scenario, the woman is taking the natural order of things, man leads and woman submits as set by Mother Nature, and she’s turning things on their head here. Men view this behavior from women as very unnatural and, as a result, they start to make assumptions about the woman like, “needy,” “desperate,” “clingy,” and “emotionally unstable.” None of which make for a healthy relationship. Men instinctually recognize the signs of an unhealthy pairing and, therefore, tend to avoid one like the plague.

Men will run from the above scenario to take a breather and come up for air. To a man, this feels like one minute - he’s floating happily in a sea of possibilities. Then, all of a sudden and out of nowhere, Jaws grabs a hold of his leg under the water and begins pulling him into the dark depths of the ocean – and his possibilities are now all gone.

Given enough time and space (generally one to 3 months) in this scenario, a man may begin to miss the woman (if he has not had any contact with her since the break up) and there is a high likelihood that he will return. However, it won’t be to reignite the relationship – chances are it will be to start all over again, from square one, casually dating the woman, in an attempt to see if she’s really as crazy as he first thought she was.

Who knows, maybe he was wrong about her? That’s what he will think if the woman initiates no contact after the dump and disappears on him. The fact that she didn’t chase (as he expected her to) and act like an obsessed psycho will make him rethink his assumptions of her so he’ll begin to second guess himself and return to see if he might have been wrong.

Who’s hurting more: In this case, I believe the dumpee is hurting more than the dumper.

The Man Aggressively “Spooks” The Woman Away

Yes, ladies. Women run scared, too. I’ve done it myself. If a man begins to pressure a woman and move in on her quick, like lightening, and issues ultimatums to her, she may bolt and run scared - just as a man would do. She’ll develop suspicions about the man and she’ll wonder, “Why is he in such a rush? Does he have ulterior motives here?” Her trust for him will decrease; her suspicions of him will increase. It’s a fine line.

In these scenarios, it’s all about trust folks. Women are preyed upon as sexual objects by men daily and, as a result, their guard is up when they meet a man. If they feel that the pursuit is becoming unnaturally aggressive in some manner, much like a rabbit being chased through tall grass, she’ll feel like she’s being preyed upon. Her defenses will rise up and she’ll spring into action and run from what she perceives as an oncoming threat.

In the spook scenario, for men the oncoming threat is one of commitment. For women, the oncoming threat is one of being eaten up and devoured for dinner (sexed up and dumped) and left for dead.

However, much like men in the spook scenario, given a considerable amount of time to process what happened, the woman may eventually reach the conclusion that she might have been wrong about the man – that she might have misinterpreted his actions.

As a result, the woman may circle back around to the man in an attempt to communicate with him once again, to see if she was wrong about him. Or, after a considerable amount of time (one to three months), the man may return to touch base with the woman in an attempt to test the waters. And if his approach is soft, the woman will likely give him a second chance to reignite the relationship.

Who’s hurting more: In this case, I believe the dumpee is hurting more than the dumper.

Man Dumps Woman For No Apparent Reason

Hey, it happens. And usually, the dumpee, the woman, will spend most, if not all, of her time consumed with “why” this happened. Reliving it and rehashing it in her mind, over and over and over again.

There is a reason behind the break up. However, it could be one of many and trying to suss out the real reason is generally a waste of time, energy and effort. The reasons may include:

He’s a player and only intended to use the woman for sex and had no intention of a relationship.
He tried dating the woman in an effort to get to know her, and he did – and concluded that, for whatever reason, she wasn’t the one.
He’s a coward and he cannot communicate his feelings emotionally.
He’s cheating on the woman.
The woman pursued him and spooked him away.
The woman was emotionally needy, unstable, clingy and overbearing.
He thinks she’s cheating on him.
He got what he wanted, sex, and it’s time to move onto the next conquest.
An ex has resurfaced that’s distracted his attention from you, to her.
He met someone else more interesting while dating the woman.
He’s emotionally unavailable and has a deep rooted fear of commitment.
He lives far away and doesn’t want a long distance relationship.
He lives in another country and realizes that the two will never be together.
He’s a serial dater.
He was simply bored and looking for something to do at the time.

As you can see, attempting to boil down the reason to one single factor becomes near impossible to do. In which case, his level of interest will tell the tale. (And we’ll get to that below in a moment.)

The likelihood of the man returning is high here – IF the woman disappears and does not contact or attempt to communicate with and/or pursue the man after the break up. The chance of return is diminished if the woman who was dumped begins to pursue the man who dumped her because this will decrease his respect for her, his value of her and make her even more undesirable to him.

Who’s hurting more: In this case, I believe the dumpee is hurting more than the dumper.

Woman Dumps Man For No Apparent Reason

Much like the scenario above, it happens. And it can happen for all the same reasons listed above. And again, attempting to boil it down to one single reason is a fruitless effort.

Additionally, much like the scenario above, the likelihood of a possible return here from the woman is high. But if the man starts blowing up the woman’s phone or filling up her Facebook wall with pleas and attempts, his chances are then greatly decreased. However, if he waits a considerable amount of time (one to three months) and THEN makes a soft approach, a woman has a much higher likelihood of giving the man a second chance and viewing him in a different light. Because as I mentioned above, it’s the man’s level of interest that will tell the tale.

Who’s hurting more: In this case, I believe the dumpee is hurting more than the dumper.

The Level of Interest Tells The Tale

As much as there are a number of variables and clear dynamics involved in the dumper versus dumpee break up debate, I believe it’s the level of interest of the man involved that truly tells the tale.

It’s clear to see from the scenarios listed above that most times, it’s the dumpee that’s hurting worse. And this is simply because rejection, in and of itself, just plain hurts the human soul, man or woman. However, it’s the level of interest of the man that truly affects the end result.

And this is where it pays for men to pursue, not women – and I’ll explain why.

If a woman has a high level of interest in a man: She will begin to pursue him after the break up.

If a man has a high level of interest in a woman: He will begin to pursue the woman after the break up.

The Big Difference Is The Outcome

If a woman has a high level of interest in a man and pursues him after the break up: She willfully puts herself at a very high risk of being used by the man (for sex) – and being dumped by him - a second time.

If a man pursues a woman after a break up, regardless of who dumped who: He actually has a very high chance of winning her over, repairing things and entering into a long term relationship with her; he proves himself to the woman. It sounds strange, but I’ve seen it - time and time again. When you ask couples in long term relationships about how they met, many times you hear the woman say something to the effect of:

“When I first met him, I didn’t like him. But he pursued me – he grew on me and he won me over. I just couldn’t resist.”

Honestly, I think the relationships that have a greater chance of longevity are the ones where the woman rebuffed the man initially – and the man worked to prove himself to the woman.

As you can see, the same exact behavior can result in two very different outcomes.

This is because each gender, male versus female, views this behavior quite differently. Women view pursuit by men as the natural order of things – man leads, woman submits. It’s very primal.

However, when those natural gender roles are reversed – woman leads, man submits - the outcome can be very different.

And just a note of warning, ladies: If a man insists on YOU pursuing HIM, he’s insecure and chances are, won’t make a good boyfriend, lover or husband because of his insecurities and his inability to man up. If he can’t man up in the beginning, he’ll never man up during the relationship – when you need him most. You will always feel like it’s YOU working to hold things together while he sits, does nothing, takes, sucks you dry and completely exhausts you.

Men view pursuit from women as unnatural and desperate, while women view pursuit from men as the natural order of things, the way Mother Nature intended it, and see it as chivalrous, romantic and a sign of genuine interest.

Let’s face it, there’s nothing sexier than a man going to the ends of the earth to win a woman over. That’s the definition of Prince Charming. It’s reminiscent of John Cusack’s famous boom box scene in the 1989 movie, “Say Anything.”

However, when a woman does this, it’s not sexy at all. It signals emotional instability to the man, it angers and frustrates them, and decreases their attraction for the woman - FAST. It’s reminiscent of the “I will not be ignored” scene in the 1987 movie, “Fatal Attraction.”

The Natural Order Of Things

It’s simply the natural order of things, on a very primal level, for the man to lead and the woman to submit. So when a woman reverses those natural gender roles and turns things topsy-turvy, the end result is very different.

So in conclusion, it could just be that within the dumper versus dumpee psychological scenario – it’s not really who’s hurting more versus who’s hurting less that determines the ultimate outcome.

It’s the INTEREST level of the man – and the REACTIONS of the woman – that appear to be the single most important factor in determining the final outcome.

My advice to men: If you truly think the woman may be the one for you, after giving things considerable room to breathe, pursue her with all you’ve got. Set your ego and your pride aside, do not be discouraged, and pull out all the punches (romance) and go for it. Win her over.

My advice to women: Don’t overreact, keep your emotions in check and don’t over analyze the situation and heighten your insecurities. Give things considerable room to breathe and wait to see if the man’s genuinely interested. If he is, HE will pursue YOU.

If you want the relationship to work out in the end: Men, bring your “A-Game” to the plate. And ladies, keep your emotions “in check.”

“Do not allow negative experiences to make you bitter. They should make you wiser, and with that wisdom you shall find joy.” ~ Leon Brown

How Do You Find A Good Man?

noreply@blogger.com (The Mirror of Aphrodite) — Fri, 04 Jan 2013 23:25:00 +0000

I don’t know. But if you find one, let me know how you did it.

Okay, that’s obviously just my sarcastic sense of humor at work. Although I will admit, finding a good man these days isn’t easy. It requires thought, work, time, effort, study, open eyes, flexibility and an open heart.

Can anyone say, “Second job?”

Again, that’s just my sarcastic sense of humor. I’ve found a few good men. One of them, I stupidly let go - twice. Another one, I found that we weren’t necessarily compatible. And a third, I just didn’t recognize at the time. So how do you find a good man? Well first of all, you don’t go out hunting for one. Men are the hunters, women are the prey and that never changes. Besides, wondrous things generally happen purely by chance.

As a result, I’d rather focus on how to spot a good man - once he’s standing in front of you. And this is going to involve a lot of women’s intuition, study of body language, observations of the behavior and speech of a man – and a good, strong dose of common sense.

Sociopathic and Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Before we get started, there are some psychological fundamentals here that you need to understand, so that you can spot a good guy from a bad guy.

Research suggests that there’s a phenomenon happening. And that phenomenon is the rise of sociopaths. That’s right. They’re living next door to you, they’re in leadership positions, they’re in the U.S. government, they’re at the grocery store and they're at your local bar and watering holes.

Martha Stout, Clinical Instructor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, estimates in her book, The Sociopath Next Door, that 4% of the population are sociopaths that lack a sense of conscious, cannot experience empathy and sympathy for others and cannot develop affectionate feelings for living creatures, animal or human.

While 4% might not sound like a lot to you, consider that in the U.S. alone, that represents 12 million people. Now let’s throw Narcissistic Personality Disorder into the mix, a disorder that involves arrogant behavior, high self-esteem, a lack of empathy for others and a constant need for admiration from others. Some claim those with narcissistic personality disorder represent 1% to 6% of the population. Combine that with the population of sociopaths and you have anywhere from 5% to 10% of the population either sociopathic or narcissistic in nature – or both. That means there are approximately 24 million plus individuals, in the U.S. alone, which are sociopathic or narcissistic. And that's leaving out psychopaths entirely from the equation.

There are subtle differences between the three:

Sociopath: Social and charming. A con-artist with more criminal traits than violent ones. Disregard for law, authority and the rights of others. Pathological liars. Parasitic lifestyle, sucking off of others. Promiscuous sexual behavior, lack of long term relationships (friendship, romantic or otherwise), impulsive and irresponsible, prone to boredom. Christian Bale in the movie "American Psycho" is the perfect example as is Ted Bundy, the serial killer who charmed women to their ultimate deaths.

Narcissist: Elitist and loves to be adored and admired. Feels entitled. Grandiosity and inflated self-image. Arrogant and egotistical. Gordon Gecko in the movie "Wall Street" and Richard Gere in the movie "American Gigolo" are prime examples.

Psychopath: Abnormal violent criminal behavior. Anti-social and reclusive. Lack of behavior control and remorse, even when caught. Lack of friends and close family. Lack of care for hygiene and appearance. High intelligence. Ted Kaczynski, otherwise known as the Unabomber, is a perfect example. As a child he was considered a prodigy, having an IQ of 167 (Genius), and was accepted into Harvard University at the age of 16. He earned a PhD in mathematics from the University of Michigan and became an assistant professor at the University of California at age 25. Ultimately living as a recluse in a cabin in the woods, where he created bombs he used to kill people.

And they’re not easy to spot, ladies. As a matter of fact, many of them are successful, accomplished men in powerful, respected career positions. Don’t believe me? I suggest you grab a copy of the book, The Wisdom of Psychopaths: What Saints, Spies and Serial Killers Can Teach Us about Success, by Kevin Dutton. After years of study, Kevin determined that men/women in powerful, respected positions of leadership and authority actually have the same traits as serial killers and psychopaths. And it’s those very traits that propel them to the top: fearless, confident, high self-esteem, charming, ruthless and laser focused. Qualities that “are tailor-made for success in the 21st century” as Kevin puts it.

And I couldn’t agree more. Let’s face it; you have to run people over to climb to the top. If you’re not comfortable with that, you won’t get there. Someone else will come along and run you over instead.

Now that you have a basic understanding of sociopathic behavior and narcissistic personality disorder and a clear understanding of how prevalent these personality disorders are becoming, we’re going to explore what men like this might actually look like.

He’s The Guy Next Door: A Doctor, A Lawyer, A Politician, A Powerful CEO, A Jock

Not quite what you were expecting, huh? The local high school and/or college star football player might be a narcissist? That good looking doctor who seemed so helpful might be a sociopath? Your neighbor who obsesses over how clean their car is every Saturday but won’t say hello to you might have psychopathic tendencies? And that successful businessman who took you to dinner last night might be all of the above?

Yes. That’s the reality.

And here are some red flags to help you identify them:

The man who says he loves you but kicks your dog when you’re not looking (lack of empathy).

The man who has tons of friends on Facebook that he hardly, if at all, even knows personally (need for admiration). *Ladies, click the link there to see research that suggests that those with unrealistic numbers of Facebook friends tend to have Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

That cute bartender that goes home with half a dozen women’s phone numbers every night (ego, arrogance and need for admiration).

That charming attorney that throws his weight and power around in the court system all day (inflated self-image).

The guy who brags openly to you (and complains) about all the (crazy) women chasing him down (ego and inflated arrogance).

That contractor that looks you in the eye and says, “You can trust me” but never finishes the job (guile and deception).

The man who asks for compliments (need for admiration).

That star football player that receives kudos from everyone standing within 2 feet of him, daily (arrogance and inflated self-image).

The guy that scores women’s looks on a scale of 1 to 10 (objectifies and lacks empathy).

The man who always uses “me” when conversing about matters that refer to “us” (preferential treatment, selfishness).

That charming fella’ that throws out loads of compliments, future promises and talk of love after three dates (pseudo-intimacy).

The man who says one thing but does another (guile, manipulation and deception).

The man who repeatedly blames you when he does something wrong (elitist, sees himself without fault).

The guy who doesn’t call you but rather believes you should be calling him (arrogance, manipulation and need for admiration).

They guy who laughs at inappropriate moments, such as when you’ve seriously injured yourself or are suffering emotionally (lack of sympathy and empathy for others).

The guy at the bar who is the loudest and is bragging about how successful he is (center of attention, ego and inflated self-image).

The man who is willing to stop at nothing to win (fearless, ruthless, competitive, laser focused).

Those are just a few examples, ladies. But you get the idea.

Men that are charming, men that use lots of compliments at early stages, men that are arrogant, men that are unemotional, men that can’t relate, men that find humor in appropriate situations, men who dislike animals – what do they all have in common?

Selfishness: The Inability to Think of, Care For, or Care About Others

To me, that’s the number one trait, the initial red flag, of a bad guy. It speaks volumes about their character and it’s selfishness that opens the doors to all of the other uncaring, self-centered, unsympathetic behavior that usually follows. Let’s face it, when you’re selfish, it’s easy not to care. It’s easy not to think about others. It’s easy to laugh at inappropriate things. It’s easy to think you’re wonderful. And it’s easy to deceive people.

Why?

Because selfish people could care less: About the outcome and what you, and others, think of them.

That’s not what’s important to them. Making you happy isn’t important to them. Pleasing you isn’t important to them. Doing the right thing isn’t important to them.

The only thing that is important to them is: Forcing their will onto others via any means possible.

And when you break it down like that, it becomes easy to see, crystal clear as a matter of fact, that a selfish individual won’t make a good partner in life – or a satisfying lover for that matter.

So How Do You Find A Good Man?

Well, you start by letting HIM find YOU first (a man that is genuinely interested in you has a much higher likelihood of entering into a long term relationship with you). And then you make sure that he’s none of the above.

Your first task is to observe. Through this initial observation, you watch his behavior and you pay very close attention to what comes out of his mouth.

Your initial goal is to determine: Is he selfish?

To determine that, you’re going to observe his behavior and speech and answer the following questions for yourself. This is how you actively take control of your dating life to find yourself a good man.

You ask yourself:

Does he lie, fib or over-exaggerate?

Does he charm his way in and out of things (like your pants)?

Does he do what he says he’s going to do (or does he just talk about it)?

The answers to those 3 questions above should be, No, No, Yes.

If you meet a man and find that the answers to the above 3 questions are opposite of the answers I’ve provided you – then you should run.

He’s a bad guy. He’s a liar, he’s a bullshitter and he’s a flake.

And the last time I looked up the definition of Prince Charming in the dictionary, it didn’t say, “Lying, bullshitting, flake.”

When You See Your Ex With Someone New

noreply@blogger.com (The Mirror of Aphrodite) — Thu, 20 Dec 2012 19:01:00 +0000

Yea, it happens. And it usually sucks. But let’s face it, life is full of challenges and obstacles to overcome every single day, this is nothing new.

Seeing an ex with someone new can hurt. It can cause jealousy, increased anxiety, over reaction and lots of sleepless, worrisome nights. However, in spite of all of that, it can also be a fantastic growth experience. One that can make you look like a shining star in your exes eyes.

Yes, I said it. Seeing your ex with someone new can be a fantastic opportunity to make you look like some kind of superstar to your ex. How, you ask?

Let’s explore, shall we?

When an ex is with someone new and they see an old flame in the same room, their heart skips a beat, too. Don’t be fooled by their calm, smug, outward appearance. Inside, most times, they’re trembling, too. So know that going into it. Ignore their smiles and the happy, laughing experiences they appear to be having. Inside, they’re experiencing an emotional overload.

And you’re about to kick that overload up into over drive – and come out smelling like a rose.

The Story of Jack, Jill and Cruella DeVille

Sit down ladies and gentlemen. Because you’re not prepared for what I’m about to say.

When you see your ex with someone new, what should you do? (Men, this goes for you, too, so just reverse the roles here.)

You should approach them. Yes, that’s right, approach them. Stick with me here, this isn’t about confrontation, it’s about rising above, becoming enlightened. It’s about looking like a fantastic, well-adjusted human being. It's about strength and composure. And most importantly . . . this is about impressing the hell out of your ex.

Yea, that’s right – what do ya’ think o’ me now!

That’s what you’re going to be able to walk away and say to yourself. And you’re going to look like a star here. Your ex isn’t even going to see this one coming. They’re going to see you approaching, and they’re going to have an accident in their pants. You’re going to see the sweat on their brow.

So let’s use Jack and Jill here as examples of how to properly pull this off. Jack and Jill broke up. They have mutual friends in common. They’ve both been invited to attend the party of a mutual friend and you’ve heard through the grapevine that Jack is dating someone new. (Or vice versa for male readers.)

Ok, fine. You’ve got this.

You come in the door and who’s the first person you see standing there, laughing, and for all intents and purposes, appears to be having a great time with . . .hmm.

Okay, let’s call her Cruella. You’re exes new girlfriend’s name is Cruella (Yes, as in Cruella DeVille.)

So ole’ Jack and Cruella appear to be having the time of their lives. That is, until Jack sees . . .YOU. You know Jack well and you see him stammer a bit as he pulls his gaze away from you. He’s fidgeting and looks like he may be becoming a bit uncomfortable.

Perfect.

Jack is now thinking, “Crap. She’s here. Wonder what she’s going to do? She’s going to make a scene, I know it. But I’m going to ignore her. I’m going to look as if I’m having the time of my life with Cruella.”

Ok Jack, whatever. It’s a ruse and we all know it.

Rather than have everyone feel awkward, waiting for a scene from Fatal Attraction to erupt, you’re going to let ole Jack know – he was wrong about you. He doesn’t know you. You’re a new woman. You’re independent of him. You are so over him, it’s not even funny. He meant nothing to you and you’ve got this.

So off you go, through the crowd, weaving your way towards Jack and Cruella. She looks a bit like a deer caught in the headlights and you hear her let off a nervous laugh. Jack has a look of genuine concern on his face.

Again, perfect. This is about to go your way and these two, even though they don’t know it, are going to play right into this.

You’ve arrived. You have a drink in your hand, you’re looking better than you have in years and you’re feeling confident (and if you’re not, fake it). You turn to face Cruella (the new flame should always be approached first). You extend your hand and you introduce yourself, “Hi, I’m Jill. I’m Jacks old girlfriend. It’s very nice to meet you.”

Cruella looks like she’s about to barf on your shoes. And Jack’s heart has stopped, he is now in a catatonic state of disbelief.

Perfect.

Cruella extends her hand and gives you a wimpy handshake. You now turn to face Jack. “Hi Jack, how are you? You look good.” Jack can’t believe his ears. He’s caught off guard and he’s feeling extremely uncomfortable right now.

Perfect.

Jack replies in a soft, confused voice, “Hi Jill, I’m doing well, how about you?”

This is where you begin to shine and radiate white like, like a supernova.

“Oh Jack, I’m doing great! Things at work are going really well and I’ve been very busy lately. There are a lot of good things happening.”

Jack can’t believe his ears. He’s thinking, “What! She doesn’t miss me? She’s not crumbling? She’s not in therapy?” And the next thing that will immediately spring to mind is, “She’s over me. I can’t believe it. And she looks stunning.”

Perfect. But you’re not finished yet.

You now turn to face Cruella once again. And this time . . . sit down, it’s coming. This time, you’re going to compliment Cruella. Yes – you are. You’re going to pick something out that you like (or pretend to like) about something she’s wearing, her hairstyle, her makeup, her shoes, her bag, her jewelry. Pick something out. And then you say to her, “Wow, I really like your __________.” Fill in the blank.

“I really like your haircut, that looks so cute on you.” (Yes, I've used this one before.) Or, “I really love those shoes, where did you get those?” Or, “That’s an awesome bag, is that new?”

Listen for it . . . crickets chirping in the silence.

These two are completely thrown, so an immediate response may not come. You stand strong, you smile and you wait for the response. Cruella will finally spit something out, like a weak, eensy teensy, “thank you.”

Pefect. That’s good enough for you. You’re work here is done.

Before you go, you look both of them dead in the eye and you say, “Well, it was really great meeting you Cruella. And Jack, it was really nice to see you. “

And off you go.

Once you’ve done this, the only job you have for the rest of the evening is to circulate this party, laughing, socializing and having a great time. The confidence and positive energy you’re going to be emitting are going to impress everyone who witnessed this.

Including Jack – and yes, even Cruella.

Speaking of Jack and Cruella

Cruella's mind is now racing and she is seriously questioning things. Why? Because chances are, Jack has spent countless hours talking about what a crazy nut job you were. How you were jealous, unreasonable, emotional – a loose cannon, basically. (She expected to see you in a straight jacket, not that hot little black dress you showed up in.)

But now, all of that looks like a bunch of lies to Cruella and she's seriously questioning Jack as a man. She’s not stupid. She’s standing there saying to herself, “She seems nothing like what he said she was. Was he lying to me? Why did he make her look so bad? If it wasn’t her, it must’ve been him. Who the hell am I dating here? Do I even know this guy? Does he say all women are crazy? Will he say I’m crazy if we break up? Will he try to make me look bad, like he’s attempted to do with her?”

Ahhh . . . what’s that? The sweet sound of success.

And wait, what’s this? Jack is now staring at you, hard. His eyes are following you all over as you work the room like a rock star. He’s never seen you in this light before and now he’s thinking, “Wow, maybe I was wrong about her.”

Yea, that’s right Jack. You had me all wrong.

Two weeks later, you hear through the grapevine that Jack and Cruella are no longer together.

And Jack is now ringing your phone.

He gets your ringback tone (please listen to the music until your party is reached) and hears, “Hit the road Jack . . . and don’t you come back, no more, no more, no more, no more.”

And Cruella?

She’s so disappointed in her experience with Jack, that she decides she’s done with men . . . instead, she just adopted 101 Dalmations. (Or cats ;-)

Things Every Woman Must Have

noreply@blogger.com (The Mirror of Aphrodite) — Sat, 15 Dec 2012 15:53:00 +0000

Obviously women are much different than men. As a result, they need certain things in their life to make them feel fulfilled, happy and healthy.

I thought it would be nice to discuss the importance of those things and take a look at why these are valuable to women and the benefits that they can provide.

Below is a list of things I feel every woman must have.

A Support System

Women like to talk and they have a varied and wide range of emotions. Talking helps women to move through these emotions and process them in healthy ways to rid themselves of the anxiety that these emotions tend to cause.

Ladies, get yourself a great support system of other women going. Include friends, family members, co-workers – whomever is willing to listen and lend a supportive ear. But it shouldn’t be your man, it should only be other females or one very close male friend that you trust you can confide in.

One Year Alone

Women have a tendency to jump from man to man, thinking that they need a man to provide them with their happiness – they need a man to make them happy. This isn’t true. Yes, love and a man can add to your happiness, but it is not the end-all-be-all to your happiness.

And a man should only ADD to it, he shouldn’t BE it.

I believe every woman should spend at least one year alone, with herself. Taking the time to get to know yourself, really get to know yourself without the distraction of a man or dating or relationship issues, adds immense value to your overall happiness. Additionally, you will get in touch with what it is that truly makes you happy.

Another benefit is that once you’ve gone a year alone, you become stronger. You realize that you can make it on your own and once you start dating again, you’ll feel much stronger and much more in touch with your true self.

Many of the fears and anxieties that plagued you previously will diminish.

A Broken Heart

I know, this sounds rather counterproductive to your overall happiness and well being. However, a broken heart can actually reap positive benefits. Let’s face it, once you’ve had your heart broken, you begin to look out for yourself a bit more. You learn valuable lessons about yourself, about relationships and about men.

The broken heart experience is a human one. It happens to both men and women. But once it’s happened, there’s nothing left to fear. The worst thing that could have happened, has already happened. As a result, a broken heart can liberate you from your worst fears.

Your Own Money

Nothing makes a human being feel worse than being under someone’s thumb. A woman should always have a certain amount of money under her own control.

This provides security and a feeling of value and self-worth. It also provides you something much, much more valuable – independence. And the ability to leave, make your own decisions and carve your own path in life.

A Great Male Friend

This needs to be a platonic male friend – one that you’ve never been intimate with in any romantic way. Receiving a male point of view can be extremely beneficial to a woman to help her keep her emotions and feelings of self-worth in check.

Additionally, having a male friend in your life helps you to trust men, see that they’re not all bad guys, and helps you to maintain a healthy perspective about the relationships that can take place between men and women. Every woman needs a great male friend that she can trust.

An Independent Attitude

I am woman, hear me roar. Every woman needs to ring that mantra in her head over and over again until she believes it.

Confidence and independence are very attractive. No matter how bad things get, tell yourself, “I am woman, you WILL hear me roar.”

Let’s face it, co-dependence is ugly on a woman. It doesn’t attract men to you, it actually repels them from you.

Once you develop an independent attitude about yourself and about life, a funny thing happens – you actually become independent of it.

A Little Black Dress

Need I say more? Every woman should have the proverbial little black dress. When a woman wears this very special piece of attire, her confidence level soars, her attraction factor rises and she feels great. This classic little addition to a woman’s attire hasn’t stuck around for eons for no reason.

The little black dress represents much more than a piece of attire in your wardrobe collection. It represents confidence, sex appeal and self-worth. It’s much, much more than just a dress.

One Day A Month At The Hair And Nail Salon

It’s no secret, when you look your best, you feel your best. Taking care of yourself and being good to yourself are incredibly valuable to feeling your best at all times.

Get those pedicures, get those nails done and get that great, trendy hair style you’ve always wanted. Get comfortable with changing your look from time to time and reinventing yourself. Take a cue from Madonna. Ever notice that with every album release she completely reinvents herself? There’s a reason for that. It keeps you fresh, keeps you feeling confident and keeps you believing in yourself.

A Great Jewelry Set

It doesn’t matter if you’re wearing a $10 black cotton shirt. Put a great pair of earrings on, a great blingy necklace and a pretty ring – and you look, and feel, like a million bucks.

It doesn’t take much. I’m not talking diamonds and pearls here, ladies. There’s a lot of nice costume jewelry out there today of quite good quality to choose from. Have a great set of clear, crystal pieces – earrings, ring, necklace and bracelet. They’ll go great with that little black dress as well as a your favorite pair of old faded jeans. And when you wear them, even if they only cost $60 bucks to throw together, you’ll feel like a million bucks.

A Nice Handbag And Pair Of Shoes

Sure, we’d all love a pair of $900 Louboutin’s and a $3,500 Gucci handbag. But you don’t have to spend several paychecks to receive the same effect. Platform heels and nice leather handbags are all over the market for much less and represent the same style’s.

Grab yourself a nice $100-$150 dollar leather handbag and a few great pairs of $80 platform heels if the designer one’s are too far out of your reach. Throw on that little black dress and that blingy jewelry set you’ve just purchased and you’re going to look like a knock-out . Better yet, you’re going to feel like one.

A Poem: A Woman Should Have

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE

Enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to.

Something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour.

A youth she's content to leave behind.

A past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age.

A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.

One friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry.

A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family.

Eight matching plates, wine glasses and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored.

A feeling of control over her destiny.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW

How to fall in love without losing herself.

How to quit a job, break up with a lover and confront a friend, without ruining the friendship.

When to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY.

That she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents.

That her childhood may not have been perfect...but it's over.

What she would and wouldn't do for love or more.

How to live alone... even if she doesn't like it.

Whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally.

Where to go...be it to her best friend's kitchen table or, a charming Inn in the woods when her soul needs soothing.

What she can and can't accomplish in a day, a month...and a year.

Credited to Maya Angelou but first published in Glamour Magazine,
May 1997 Glamour List Column by Pamela Redmond Satran

After I wrote the above piece, I discovered this beautiful poem that echos many of my beliefs above. I couldn’t agree more.

Why Mars Makes Your Girlfriend a Bitch

noreply@blogger.com (The Mirror of Aphrodite) — Sat, 08 Dec 2012 16:39:00 +0000

Here we go guys, this one's for you. Ladies, don't be offended. We're taking a look in the mirror here is all. So let's have some fun with this and explore the topic in a spicy, tongue in cheek manner. Women can have a sense of humor too, no?

Well, we're about to find that out.

You see, in astrology, Mars rules the sign of Aries and represents the stage of life we call infancy. The Aries woman is honest, direct, naive, romantic, fanciful and a true believer in fairy-tales. Quick to laugh, cry, yell and act, she’s also a classic windmill-tilter - she rushes into the fray.

That the fray only exists in the land of her rose-colored glasses may take her some time to figure out, and may even result in a most unladylike tantrum.

Obviously, every woman can’t be an Aries. However, every astrological chart has some Mars (Aries) influence. Just as there are twelve signs, so too, there are twelve astrological Houses that rule twelve life sectors.

Foresighted boyfriends, husbands and lovers should check out which House Mars lands in within their girlfriend’s chart for a heads up as to which area of life may bring out her warrior princess.

So let's take a close look at the Aries warrior princess cum laude . . err, bitch - and find out what makes her see red.

Mars In The First House: The Public Face

This princess attacks projects with verve. This bitch is bossy and make things difficult when she gets bored. And by bored I mean . . not enough drama for her.

Mars In The Second House: Resources, Tangible And Intangible

This princess works hard for her money. This bitch is ambitious, acquisitive, possessive and a spendthrift. She won't be supporting you while you crash out on her sofa.

Mars In The Third House: Communication

This princess is expansive, articulate, confident, informed, direct and willing to defend her point of view. This bitch is brash and cocky, the type that adheres to an opinion out of loyalty rather than common sense. In otherwords, she's a stubborn one.

Mars In The Fourth House: Home And Family

This princess is a domestic goddess. This bitch rules the roost with an iron rod - and an iron fist . . or an iron foot up your you-know-what.

Mars In The Fifth House: Recreation And Pleasure

This princess loves sports, hobbies and romance. This bitch is an adrenalin junky. Start toying with this one - and she'll beat you at your own game.

Mars In The Sixth House: Day To Day Regimen and Livelihood

This princess runs the show backwards and color-coded. This bitch doesn’t play nice with co-workers, especially "slow-workers." March to the beat of her drum . . or she'll bash you over the head with it.

Mars In The Seventh House: Unions, Romantic And Tactical

This princess is a sexual dynamo and lives for the thrill of a challenging partner. This bitch requires a U.N. tutor to grasp notions such as negotiation and concession. Can anyone say . . hell on wheels?

Mars In The Eighth House: Support From Others, Legalities and Metaphysics

This princess attracts love and money. This bitch may experience a dearth (lack) due to trust issues. Fatal attraction comes to mind . . .

Mars In The Ninth House: Wider World, Higher Education, Travel, Culture, Law, Religion and Commerce

This princess is broad-minded, quick to grasp the theoretical, with a passion for ferreting out the truth. This bitch can wax bombastic, dismissing ideas that she doesn’t care for. Ignorance is bliss . . or so they say.

Mars In The Tenth House: The Public Arena, Career Path, One's Social Standing And Reputation

This princess is a self-starter, seeking and finding success like a duck seeks water. This bitch is smug and opinionated with a need to win that could become an at-all-costs venture. All's fair in love and . . err, war.

Mars In The Eleventh House: Groups, Societies, Friendships And Organizations

This princess is smart about choosing her allies. This bitch isn’t into teams and will receive many lumps to her ego before she acknowledges she cannot do it all by herself. She sees the word "me" in "team."

Mars In The Twelfth House: Secrets, Quietly Born Burdens, Jails, Hospitals and Karma

This princess is sensitive and works well alone. This bitch lacks confidence because her zest for life has been squashed. She's got 16 cats . . and is about to adopt one more.

Where Is Mars In Your Girlfriend's Natal Chart?

Enter her birth data at Cafe Astrology to find out. Once you generate the chart wheel, scroll down to it and click on the symbol for the planet Mars (♂), a circle with an arrow above it. You will then be given the House that Mars sits in via a Roman numeral.

Then tell us, which bitch do you have on your hands right now?

And ladies, tell me . . .what do you see in the mirror?

* * * * *

Derek is a Pisces who is an active blogger for the website Aligned Signs, an astrology matching website. Always having an interest in astrology and self-awareness, Derek is fairly new to blogging. In his spare time he enjoys spending his time with his girlfriend and family and just living a peaceful life.

Dating: When, Why, How, To Use No Contact

noreply@blogger.com (The Mirror of Aphrodite) — Fri, 30 Nov 2012 22:19:00 +0000

There are many dating rules out there, but it’s the tried and true ones, the old fashioned traditional ways of doing things, that really do work, which is why certain rules have held true and lasted over the years.

One of those rules happens to be the No Contact Rule. In this handy little guide, I’m going to explain to you the how, when and why’s of this rule: how to use no contact, when to use no contact and why to use no contact when dating. Because this handy little dating rule serves more than just one purpose and has more than just one use.

I’m going to be speaking to the ladies here, but men, this applies to you as well. But I don’t have to tell you that. You guys are well versed in this dating rule and put it to use regularly. But for those men who may not be familiar with it, read on.

When And Why To Use The No Contact Rule When Dating

When A Man Suddenly Disappears On You

No Contact is a handy little trick to attempt to lure someone back to you – by disappearing on THEM. As most women already know, powerful attraction builds for a man that suddenly, and without warning, disappears. Why? Because you begin to think about them constantly.

Where did he go? Is there someone else? Why did he disappear? It doesn’t matter if all the thinking taking place is actually negative in nature, it only matters that all that thinking is actually taking place.

Why?

Because when someone thinks about you constantly, it actually creates intense attraction for them. Playing hard to get works, ladies, which is why it’s another one of those good ole’ fashioned rules that’s stuck around. Psychologically, people tend to want what they can’t have. It’s called the Law of Scarcity and it works in economics and in relationships.

It’s a scientific fact – uncertainty heightens romantic attraction. So if you’re worried he’ll think you’re not interested and then be gone for good, don’t bother thinking that. That’s just your insecurities talking, that’s just you thinking you’re not good enough. But YOU ARE good enough. Have faith in yourself that you’re worth it – and that he thinks you are, too. Don’t sell yourself short because how you perceive yourself – is how others will perceive you as well.

You see, when he’s uncertain as to whether or not you really like him, it’s actually a good thing. It keeps him interested. It keeps him coming around. It makes him want to win you over. It makes him work harder at the relationship. All those things it does to you when it happens to you – it does to him as well.

When a man disappears on you and you worry that he may be gone for good - when he resurfaces suddenly, do you kick him to the curb? Nope. Well, it works the same for men, gals. When you disappear on them suddenly and without warning and then you resurface out of nowhere, they’re unlikely to kick you to the curb. Rather, nine times out of ten, the individual is thrilled you’ve returned.

Men know this, ladies. They use this dating rule regularly – on YOU.

When You Want Your Ex Back

This handy dandy little dating rule can also be used to lure an ex back into your tangled web. If you’ve overwhelmed your ex with neediness, emotional displays, tons of questions about his feelings for you, anger and frustration and, as a result, he dumped you and now you want him back - employ the rule of no contact immediately. Why? To make him think he was wrong about you - and to make him miss you.

Why?

Because men are human too, ladies. They miss people and they’ll miss you when you suddenly disappear and they’re ringing your phone and texting you and you’re not answering or responding to them. That’s when the roles gets reversed and now THEY’RE thinking about YOU constantly. And all that thinking, negative or not, is actually going to create an intense attraction for you. The point is to stay away so long that the man actually begins to “long” for you.

Men equate “longing” for someone with love, ladies.

To Get Over A Man

Yep, the no contact rule is truly a handy dandy little rule with lots of uses. And the last use is to help you get over a bad breakup with a man – to help you emotionally detach from him. Why do you want to detach from him? So you can move on, think about him less, and allow room to meet other men and cease the unhealthy obsessive thought patterns and embarrassing behavior that ultimately, only makes you feel worse about yourself and helpless.

Why?

You see, when you desperately hang on, when you remain in communication with an ex, you’re doing yourself a big injustice. You’ll never get over him if you’re still communicating with him. So do yourself a big ole’ favor here and stop doing that, right now.

If you want the pain to go away, ladies – you have to make HIM go away, because he IS your pain.

How To Use The No Contact Rule When Dating

When A Man Suddenly Disappears On You OR When You Want Your Ex Back

Generally, the no contact rule is a 30 day rule. How to do this is, when a guy suddenly disappears on you without warning or breaks up with you and you want him to notice you again, you get his attention by suddenly disappearing on HIM – you make him experience the consequences.

It’s what’s best for him and you. That’s how you learn lessons in life, that’s how you learn not to repeat your mistakes and that’s how you experience personal growth and develop coping skills. And yes, they call them “growing pains” for a reason – they hurt. So expect it to hurt and brace yourself for a wonderful period of self-awareness and personal growth.

You disappear for 30 days. You do not take his calls. You do not respond to his texts. You do not communicate with him via social media. You do not communicate or respond at all, period, for 30 days. You stay gone and all he hears are crickets chirping in the dead of night.

After not hearing from you or receiving a response from you for 30 days, he'll begin to think this . . watch the video below, a song called "Madness" by Muse, and pay close attention to what this man is doing in these lyrics here - he's THINKING - about the WOMAN, and what HE did WRONG and how he's now READY to face the fact that he needs to LOVE:

Some woman most likely pulled "no contact" on his ass there.

So then, after a 30 day time period (30 days from the time you decided to use the no contact rule) and lots of time for him to think, you suddenly and without warning – resurface. And you do so by either:

1.) Finally responding to a question from one of his last communications (if he’s asked one)

2.) Simply saying, “Hello, how are you?”

And when communication is reinstated – you keep it short and sweet. You don’t share your emotions, you don’t cry, you don’t text back and forth like lightening for 5 hours and you don’t have long, drawn out 3 hour telephone conversations in an attempt to hash things out. You play it cool. You’re busy, you’re independent, you’re confident and you have a life. You “check in” is all. You make small talk and nothing more.

And from that point forward, you play it cool. You take an hour or so to respond to texts. You return calls a day or so later. You don’t accept last minute date requests, he has to make plans with you 3 days in advance or – you’ve already made plans (even if you haven’t, you pretend as if you have – remember, you have a life and you want to give him the impression that you’re busy, healthy and others desire your time as well). This is how you set healthy boundaries, earn respect and get him to treat you with fairness and kindness.

If he’s started out after the no contact period correctly but then suddenly relapses into bad behavior again, then you employ “behavioral mirroring” with him. If he disappears on you for 3 days, you don’t respond for 3 days. If he takes 24 hours to answer a text, you take 24 hours to respond. If he says he’ll call and he doesn’t, when he does, you don’t answer it and you respond to it 3 to 5 days later. And if he really begins misbehaving and taking you for granted again – you employ the no contact rule all over again for 30 days. This is how you create fairness and balance in a relationship and how you hold your own and you don’t get plowed over again.

This is how you earn a man’s respect, ladies. If you’re a pushover, then that’s exactly what he’s going to do to you – push you over.

When You Need To Get Over A Man Or A Breakup

Breakups hurt, rejection hurts. And most times, they hurt women more than men because of all the emotions women are capable of having that men are not. Men don’t analyze things or beat themselves up. Men PROJECT their emotions – outward and onto others. Women ABSORB their emotions – and beat themselves up.

If you want the pain to go away, you need to walk through those emotions and accept the reality. The only way to get rid of the pain is to feel the pain, to work through it and to learn to cope with your emotions in a healthy manner. To make that process much easier for yourself, you employ the no contact rule.

You do not, under any circumstances, communicate with the man. If you do, you’ll have to experience the consequences of your OWN decisions here – you’ll experience pain again, because you’ve permitted it. So you ignore his calls, you don’t respond to his texts, you remove him from any of your social media profiles and you put the past in the past.

If you remain in contact with your ex, you’ll never heal and you’ll continue to experience the hurt. You must cease contact for your own good. If you want the pain to go away, get rid of the pain – he IS your pain - and you need to get rid of him.

This will help you to think of him less and less as the days go on. You will begin to detach from him and from all of the negative emotions and damaging thought processes. You will no longer feel the intense desire to cling to him or to reach out to him. You will begin to feel better about yourself and you will begin to make room in your life for a new man – one that treats you with respect and kindness.

Using the no contact rule to get over a man - helps you to actually get over him.

And there you have it, a handy dandy little guide to employing the no contact rule properly when dating. There are many times in life ladies, that you must learn to say “no” and actually take responsibility for your own happiness and stop blaming the man when it’s actually YOU permitting this unhappiness. If you want things to change – then YOU have to change. You have to learn to be happy, with or without a man, and you need to stop living under the false impression that you need a man to make you happy.

Your happiness doesn’t come from a man, it comes from within yourself - and you radiate it, like warm sunshine.

So get comfortable with the phrases below:

“No, I won’t tolerate this.”

“No, this is unacceptable.”

“No, I won’t permit you to treat me like this”

“No, I will not be available to you when you treat me with disrespect and take me for granted.”

It’s Simple Gals

If you don’t look out for yourself and treat yourself with respect, then why would anyone else? Men want sex. Women want romance. So the best (and only) way for a man to have sex with you – is to romance you. Period, case closed. It’s a tradeoff, and a fair and equal one at that.

So make them do that, ladies: No romance = no sex. It’s simple.

Learn to say “no” and set healthy boundaries in your relationships and you will actually find that you will begin to feel empowered. You will develop a healthy self-esteem. You will feel confident. You will signal to men that you need to be treated with respect. You will grow dignity. You will find that you worry less and less about impressing a man – and you become more and more focused on a man impressing YOU (romancing you).

You have something he wants (sex): Make him work for it (romance).

Do that and you will be happy. You will be treated with respect and kindness. Give it away for free and you’ll be taken for granted by a man who never wants to lift a finger for you or impress you or give you what you need (romance).

This is not game playing, ladies. This is setting healthy boundaries for yourself, looking out for yourself and earning respect for yourself – and making a man treat you with such.

And here’s the harsh reality, ladies. Recent studies have shown that the modern day woman kisses approximately 75 frogs before finding her Prince Charming. So realize that when you stand your ground and demand respect, lazy men, users, and players seeking sex for free will walk away from you. But that’s a good thing because you’re weeding your way through the worthless ones that would’ve only hurt you anyway.

So if 74 frogs leap away from you – realize that the 75th is on his way to you.

It’s the good ole’ fashioned way of doing things. Back in the day, they called it courting. Try it, it works.