In Japan this week, finally, Chairman Mark tells the final four chefs that they must use Your Mommy – sorry, no, that’s ‘umami’ – which is Japanese for, roughly, ‘tasty.’ He says it means ‘deliciousness.’ So they must use their tasty deliciousness in their quest for ‘deliciousness.’ I get it. It’s all clear to me now.
Alton Brown drones on about the four basic tastes of sweet, salty, sour, and bitter, and how umami is now the fifth taste and blah, blah, blah, yeah, it’s all good eats – and how this flavour is best brought out by the use of soy sauce (which has nothing to do with this being sponsored by Kikkoman or anything – oh not, not at all).
The chefs are swept off to a time-honoured yakitori bar which, as you can see from the little blue explanatory box – just there – that yakitori is something to do with grilling on skewers over charcoal. I thought that was shish kabob. Here they will be using a mystical ingredient called ‘soy sauce’ which really isn’t all that mystical since we just got finished hearing about only just two seconds earlier. Perhaps we forgot in all the confusion.
And then Alton drones on about how soy sauce is made because apparently he has never done a Good Eats show about it and therefore now, in the middle of another programme, is really the best time for him to do so.
At the Temaemiso Yakitori Bar in Tokyo (yes, in Japan), our young Thomas Dolby clone Alton now explains to the Padawan Iron Chefs-To-Be that Chairman Mark is a fan of simple, ‘folksy’ cuisine – because, if you might recall, he likes ‘hole in the walls’ places – and Alton also explains what a yakitori is and how to eat said: ‘Food goes on stick, food goes on fire, food goes in mouth.’
Brilliant. See, I can’t understand why these people aren’t taking notes. I’d be asking for a written diagram on a chalkboard or at least a hand-out or study guide so that I could follow along. Just breathtaking in its scope and clarity. This is how Moses – who, you will recall, looked very like the late Charlton Heston – must have felt at the top of Mount Sinai hearing the Ten Commandments. It was probably a V8 moment where he smacked his forehead and thought, ‘Oh Adonai! This stuff should be carved in stone!’
Yakitori, Alton explains to them, is big on umani, primarily due to the use of Kikkoman Soy Sauce – seasoning your life – and that their challenge is to create, in thirty minutes, five umami-rich skewers using the conveniently ample supply of various Kikkoman Soy Sauces, seasoning your life, a sauce with a centuries-old culinary tradition, which are spread – labels out – in a vast array before them as a rather none-too-subtle hint that consideration has been paid for by Kikkoman Corporation, a division of Del Monte Foods.
They will be cooking in pairs (because the restaurant is small), or ‘two at a time,’ Alton clarifies, and their special judge this week is Iron Chef Morimoto – all the way from his secret hiding place in the back room pantry – who runs out in slow motion to the strains of The Terminator theme. Chef Mehta says that being judged by Morimoto is like going to the principal’s office. Foregoing the pointless subtitles to translate what Chef Morimoto says to the Final Four, Food Network has opted for dubbing Masaharu Morimoto as if he were in a Godzilla – or, more correctly, Gojira – film. The dramatic voice actor tells us (and presumably the smiling and nodding chefs who have no idea what is being said), ‘This is difficult. You’ll be making five skewers with umami-rich sauces. You have very little time. Stay focused and cook well.’
Was this really necessary? Do we really need to have everything repeated to us again and again just seconds after hearing it the first time they said it only to have it told to us again after we just heard it?
So Alton tells Chef Mehta and Chef Freitag (who I’m really liking more and more, not that you care) that they will have thirty minutes to create five skewers, or yakitori, which are like shish kabobs, with the umami-richness of Kikkoman Soy Sauce, the sauce with a centuries-old culinary tradition, seasoning your life, and that they will have thirty minutes. Aaaaaaaand – GO!
Once the first pair are finished, Chef Mullen and Chef Garces are told by Alton that they will have thirty minutes to prepare five – yes, five – umami-rich skewers of what the Japanese call ‘yakitori’ (which are very like a meat of some sort grilled on a stick), slathered with Kikkoman Soy Sauce (which is an ancient cooking ingredient in the Orient, called ‘The Orient’ because of the uncanny ability of the indigenous population to know where they are at all times, although the oldest native inhabitants of Japan are called the ‘Ainu,’ who exhibit more typically Caucasian qualities and whose language is called a ‘Language Isolate’ because it bears no known relationship to other languages and, interestingly enough, ‘Anu’ or ‘Ainu’ are often mentioned in texts of ancient Mesopotamia and, quite surprisingly, ancient Celtic tribes – especially in Ireland).
Oh, yes. Iron Chef. Sorry.
Aaaaand – GO!
Chef Garces, it must be said, is going to veer from the status quo and says that it is his strategy to create a full yakitori menu including dessert. BUT – and here’s the cunning bit – he is going to infuse each yakitori or ‘skewer’ with a umami-richness: tasty deliciousness. Whoa! Mandy Freitag better watch out for this guy! Wow!
Chef Mullen tells us that when he thinks of ‘umami’ he prefers to think of something called ‘soy,’ which he thinks is a fantastic vehicle for umami-rich cooking. =:0
First up, Chef Mehta has chosen to take a leek…
Leek. Take a leek. Hello? Is this thing on?
…and put it on a skewer and grill it with panko bread crumbs. That would make a great shish kabob. Morimoto says it is not crunchy enough. Next are yuzu soy clams with sesame seeds. He also offers grilled beef with pepper and ‘soy sauce,’ apples with ‘soy sauce’ and caramel (which the dubbed dramatic voice tells us ‘is delicious and very original’) and, last, strawberries with chocolate, ‘soy sauce,’ and chili.
Chef Freitag is next, offering a zucchini/eggplant/red onion combo with yuzu ‘soy sauce,’ grilled chicken with orange-infused ponzu, grilled duck with spicy kimchi ‘soy sauce,’ grilled cod with clam broth and lime ‘soy sauce,’ and finally a hanger steak with sesame teriyaki.
Chef Garces has created charred tofu with clam broth and dashi ‘soy sauce,’ teriyaki grilled asparagus, yuzu glazed cod with pickled cucumber, a ‘soy sauce’ glazed pork with broccoli and grapes, and for the wrap up teriyaki strawberries with avocado.
Chef Mullen provides an asparagus and leek ‘skewer’ in a cherry-wasabi marinade, dashi ‘soy sauce’ rice in spinach leaf (which Morimoto says is dry), a grilled clam with yuzu ‘soy sauce,’ peach infused pork with white ‘soy sauce,’ and finally a duck breast with tofu, ‘soy sauce’ and blackberry.
In the end, the dramatic dubbed voice tells us, like Casey Kasem on American Top 40, that Chef Mehta is the winner because he ‘enhanced each skewer with a sense of deliciousness – the umami. And remember… keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars…’
Next, we jet away to the Hattori Nutrition College where Alton Brown and some old guy who looks like Mr Miyagi but is, in fact, Dr Yukio Hattori (the original ‘culinary commentator’ on the original Iron Chef which was, I’m thinking, a programme made in Japan in a time long ago often referred to idiomatically as ‘the day’).
The Padawan Iron Chefs are challenged to make Five Tastes With Rice (not to be confused with Five Fingers of Death) which are to include the flavours of sweet, sour, bitter, salty – and, of course, the tasty deliciousness of umami – and which will be served in Bento Box or, what the little blue translation box over there describes as traditional serving trays for multi-course meals. I just can’t even imagine how these chefs can work with such unwieldy restrictions like plates and serving trays…
Chef Mehta gets to choose his box first – oh yeah, pick the shiny one, that’s just freaking great, man! – and then everyone else gets to fight over the others. They are to create their five rice dishes and, somehow, cram them into the Bento Boxes – all in just 90 minutes!
Fortunately the show isn’t that much longer, but it sure will feel like it.
Aaaaaaaand – GO!
Aaaaaaaand – we’re finished.
In an undisclosed kitchen, our judges – Donatella Arpaia, Anya Fernald, and Jeffrey Steingarten, and special guest Mr Miyagi – await their plates from the Final Four. Alton Brown reminds them (and us) that the chefs had 90 minutes to prepare Five Tastes of Rice with sweet, sour, salty, bitter – and umami, the tasty deliciousness. I’m so glad he had the chance to clarify that. I was lost.
Chef Mehta is first and he presents Sour – Yuzu sour plum sherbet over rice oyster; Umami – Shrimp with rice, mung bean and rice cracker (to which a Darth Vader-like Uber-dramatic Dubbed Voice for Mr Miyagi says ‘I…did not taste the umami’); Salty – Pork rice with salty caramel apple; Bitter – Bitter melon, tomato & basil salad; Sweet – Flower berry salad with sugared shiso and rice crisps.
Thankfully, after the length of time we had to go without it, Alton turns to the judges and explains to them that the chefs had to create five dishes for the Bento Boxes using rice as a vehicle. And as you know, rice is a bitch to drive. You’re always going against the grain.
The grain.
So… Chef Mullen is next. He offers a bitter dish of mixed tempura with green tea salt, a umami dish of Bibimbap with Kobe beef and Shitake mushroom (which the Darth Vader voice says was ‘perfectly done’), a salty dish of green olive rice cake with cured sardines, a sour dish of sticky rice with octopus and Umeboshi, and a sweet dish of yuzu ice cream with rice crackers.
Chef Garces, winging it without additional explanatory digressions from Alton Brown, offers a bitter dish of bitter green and black rice salad, a sour dish of pickled sardines over pickled vegetables, a salty dish of octopus rice cake, a umami dish of pork belly over congee and Shitake mushroom, and a sweet dish of canela rice pudding with raspberries.
Chef Freitag brings for her sour dish, a kuromutsu in yuzu dashi broth, a umami dish of Kobe beef teriyaki with red rice and Shitake mushroom (whereupon the Darth Vader voice asks her if she knew Shitake has umami on its own), a salty dish of sushi rice balls with seaweed and rice cracker, a bitter dish of tempura radicchio and prawns, and her sweet dish is black sticky rice with fruit. The Darth Vader voice says even Japanese chefs have a hard time doing what she did and commends her ability in the ways of The Force.
And, one more time before we go, Alton points out to the judges that the chefs were to create Five Tastes With Rice, each representing sweet, sour, bitter, salty, and umami – the the tasty deliciousness.
And somehow, despite accolades from Mr Miyagi, Chef Freitag is snubbed in favour of Chef Garces, who is named the winner of the competition. Chef Mehta, who did not let Mr Miyagi taste his umami, also moves to the next round. Chef Mullen’s beef dish has saved his ass and Chef Amanda Freitag is show the sliding rice paper exit door.
Bastards.
For tasty deliciousness in your own kitchen, why not make your next meal a umami-rich experience with the goodness of Kikkoman Soy Sauce, a sauce with a centuries-old culinary tradition? Kikkoman: Seasoning your life.