Misanthropic Gooner

NIKE HAS UNVEILED ARSENAL'S NEW AWAY KIT...FOR THE LAST TIME.

2013-07-10T06:41:00.001-07:00

Aslan has given his approval to the new away kit.

So, our 2013/2014 away kit has been unveiled yesterday, accompanied by a not-at-all over the top "ceremony" at the Emirates. The latest and what will be the last Nike effort, as we move on to Puma.

I have to admit, when I'd first found out we'd be parting ways with Nike, I was a lot more upset than I would ever care to admit, and just to rub it in, after years and years of torturing us with monstrosities, they come out with the perfect yellow and blue away kit.

Nike is definitely trendier and all the cool kids wear it ...but hey, the cool kids hate me anyway and at the end of the day, the brand of your team's football kit has got to be the most insignificant issue in the whole fucking world, so let's just focus on what's important i.e what's happening on the pitch (although, considering our form over the last few seasons, I understand it's not always easy to do).

02.03.1888

2013-03-02T11:04:00.001-08:00

Source.

THEO WALCOTT SCORES A HAT-TRICK AGAINST NEWCASTLE. MAKES HIS AGENT COME UP WITH A NEW EXCUSE.

2012-12-30T02:44:00.000-08:00

Excited Turtle is super excited about Theo Walcott's hat-trick.

Well, I would not be able to think of a better way to sign off 2012, than with a ten goal extravaganza against Newcastle, even if I tried to. No. That's a lie. I can think of a hundred different ways, and one of them is NOT to end the year sitting 16 points behind Man Utd in fifth place. But hey, 7-3 against Newcastle? I guess I'll take that. You don't look a gift-Komodo dragon in the mouth, or whatever.

Up until about the 80' minute, throughout the whole match yesterday, the commentators annoyingly kept bringing up that "epic" game at St. James' Park in February 2011, which somehow ended 4-4, despite us leading by four clear goals at half time. The pinnacle of their reminders, was Demba Ba's equalizer at the 70' minute to make it 3-3, after we'd previously gone infront three times. So, after Theo Walcott clinched his second of the evening to make it 4-3, everyone gasped in anticipation. Will the history repeat itself? Will Cheik Tioté, a man who's name sounds like it derives its meaning from "The Shire", repeat his last minute heroics? Will Joey Barton appear out of nowhere, in a puff of lung cancer-infected smoke, get red-carded and quote us some good old Nietzsche? Err...no. Although, to be honest, Theo Walcott scoring the opening goal was a bit of a nervy coincidence.

Also, if anyone else, ever, calls that nightmare from two years ago "epic" one more time, I am going to feed them the gasoline soaked, early edition of the "The Hobbit" until they choke to death. That match was a worm infested, Phil Dowd orchestrated shitfest. He awarded Newcastle two penalties, one of which, was literally for nothing and sent off Diaby. Phil Dowd wanted to see his name on the back pages and did what was necessary. Fuck him with a donkey wiener and move on. I hate the fact that to this day, pundits/idiots keep referring to it as "one of the greatest comebacks in football". Fuck right off! But, I digress.

Olivier Giroud, replaced The Ox (who earlier on had scored our second and his first EVAH goal in the PL) at the 75' minute and had an immediate impact, scoring our fifth and sixth in the span of five minutes time, putting whatever little aspirations for another "epic" comeback Newcastle had left, beyond their reach. However, the icing on the cake was Theo Walcott's third. He was brought down in the box, their defenders stopped and with their hands in the air (like they just don't care) all turned to the ref to appeal their innocence, Walcott got straight back up and chipped the ball over Krul - hilarity insured.

What was even more hilarious is that Walcott scored his hat-trick playing centre forward - a position which according to him is the main source of the dispute in the ongoing contract talks, as he doesn't get to play in one, apparently. Ooh, I wonder what excuse his PR people will come up with, when there's an under-the-table agreement with Citeh, all done and dusted.

Afterwards, Arsene said:

"My desire is to extend his contract. He belongs here and hopefully we can do it. Should he have had a disastrous game today, it would not have altered my determination to extend his contract."

Aww, that's sweet. He's off then. Seriously though, I do sometimes wonder whether the evil in players was there all along or the agents' Voldemort curses are simply unprecedented in their effectiveness. Here's a little titbit I found in the Gurdian, written by the former Crystal Palace owner Simon Jordan in 2006, and here's what he says about Theo's agent Warwick Horton (his agent to this day):

"In October I wrote about agents looking to move teenagers well before they're ready, against their best interests. I used Theo Walcott as an example after his agent, Warwick Horton, told the press: 'He's an ambitious lad... He'd be very flattered to speak to clubs like Arsenal and Liverpool.' Walcott's agency responded, condemning my 'nonsensical bluster'. 'Jordan alleged that one of our agents, Warwick Horton, was unsettling one of Key Sports Managements' clients, Theo Walcott of Southampton, for our own financial gain. I can assure him that nothing could be further from the truth.'
Three months on, mid-transfer window, here's Warwick again. 'Theo's an ambitious lad and wants to train and play with the best players he can to try to take his career to the next level. It's been an unsettling time.' It must have been, Warwick. But I'm sure you'll get over it.
I said I'd apologise to Horton's agency if Walcott was still at Southampton by the time he was 18. Who owes an apology now?"

A Southampton fan might have thrown the "as you sow, so shall you reap" at our faces, here. And I suppose it's fair to admit that we've been the beneficiaries of the football agents' greed on more than a few occasions. But the truth is, we've been undone by it way, way more times than we've actually *ahem* enjoyed it. It's not just part and parcel of modern football, it's one giant insult to all football fans, who, through no fault of their own, feed these fucking parasites. And unless it's too late, Theo needs to get his head out of his ass, as soon as possible.

So, Happy New Year to ~~all of you~~ the two of you, and hopefully yesterday's performance was the taste of things to come. Because if the taste of things to come is the loss at Bradford, then we're in for a quite a bumpy ride - and the bumps are unexploded landmines, planted by the Nazis or maybe Darren Dein or Warwick Horton.

SEE YA NEXT YEAR!

*original pic is via

MAN UTD 2 - 1 ARSENAL: ROBIN VAGINA PUSSY AND WENGER'S LIMBO.

2012-11-03T13:12:00.003-07:00

Robin Vagina Pussy is powerless against his mortal enemy - The Penis Wizard...

For the past several years, season after season, we've been witnessing an Arsenal team produce the kind of games we saw yesterday at Old Trafford. The kind of heartless, soulless mess, where no one puts up a fight, no one stands out, no one who's ready to grind out the result. Everyone is just riding the wave. Some, more enthusiastically than the others.

As I've already mentioned, we've been seeing it for several years now, even though the players keep coming and going. Today's team is completely different from what we had five or six years ago. Six years ago we were calling for the heads of such individuals like Pascal Cygan and Jose Antonio Reyes. Three years ago, we were convinced that Mikael Silvestre and Emmanuel Eboue were holding us down and right now it's Andre Santos and probably someone else.

Now, I do not disagree that all of the players mentioned above were/are quite terrible and we are better off without them. However, regardless of how much deadweight we've gotten rid off over the years, or how many new faces we've brought in, the ESSENCE of the team doesn't change. Season. After. Season.

It's feels like we're in a limbo, the constant feeling of "almost there". And that worries the ever loving feces out of me.

If we went through some archives, I'm 100% certain, we would've found some matches over the past few seasons that were identical to a T', to the one, we had the displeasure of watching yesterday afternoon. Lackluster, mechanical surrender, devoid of any significant effort. Tactically - verging on clueless.

On friday, my non gooner co worker, told me he put some money on Arsenal (true story), I told him he was throwing his money away. Even though, I was secretly hoping I was wrong, I thought that a draw against Man Utd at Old Trafford would be more than just sufficient. I'm becoming less and less optimistic when it comes to Arsenal.

Remember that part in "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", where a bartender asks Ford Prefect if he plans to watch the game and Ford says that there's no point, the bartender then asks: "Foregone conclusion, then? Arsenal without a chance?"

Now, in the book Ford Prefect says it's because the world is about to end but in reality you and me live in, there's no follow up to that dialogue. I look at the league table, I see Arsenal with 15 points after 10 Premier League games (worst start to a season since 94/95,when the team finished 12th), and I realize that Arsenal are without a chance and it is a foregone conclusion.

There isn't a point analyzing yesterday's match. Robin Vagina Pussy scored a goal after two minutes of play, thanks to the mistake from our increasingly unreliable captain, then pretended to not celebrate "out of respect" for the Arsenal fans, I presume. Where was that respect when you were engineering a move away, from the club that gave you everything you have, and from the fans who never stopped being supportive, even though you spent 90% of your Arsenal career on a treatment table? Huh? Nevermind.

Andre Santos put on an atrocious performance. His defending is piss-poor but Wenger always claimed he compensates for it with his attacking play. Well, his crosses yesterday were worse than Clichy's and that little money grabber can't cross for shit.

Oh, and another thing Santos put on yesterday - Robin Vagina Pussy's shirt...AT HALF TIME! Who the fuck does that? I know, he's probably not the brightest crayon in the box but my god, if it's that bad, the club's PR people should've prepped the team before kick off - "what not to do in close proximity to Robin Vagina Pussy".

Now, Jack Wilshere understands this premise. That's why he sent the fucker flying with one of his tackles. Oh, Jackie boy, you know how to put a smile on a misanthropic gooner's face. Unfortunately, Wilshere was a bit too enthusiastic with his tackling yesterday, having previously earned a yellow and cautioned several times by Mike Dean, at the 70' minute mark he made a challenge on Patrice Evra - who had scored Unted's second only three minutes earlier. Now if that were me, painful tackling of Evra would be mandatory but Mike Dean (who may or may not, be Fergie's rent boy), showed Wilshere a second yellow and off he went.

Robin Vagina Pussy surrenders in fear of being kicked by Jack Wilshere...

There was a consolation wonder goal from Santi Carzola - one of the few, on this current team, who doesn't make my blood boil.

And last but not least, there were Arsenal fans who drowned out the entire Old Trafford with the immortal: "WE LOVE YOU ARSENAL, WE DO", even when we were trailing by two goals, the chanting never stopped. I'm not sure this Arsenal team deserves it. I'm not sure Arsene Wenger deserves it.

I have always been one of the biggest Wenger supporters you will ever meet, I don't remember the number of times, I've gotten into arguments with people defending him and his record but Arsenal is starting to lose credibility with its own supporters, some of which, don't think of it as a big club anymore.

They still support it, they still sing at the top of their lungs. They just don't expect much from the team anymore. And if, at the very least, he can't make this Arsenal team, earn respect of their own fans back, then maybe we should start looking for someone who can.

Also, No matter how many goals he scores, Robin Vagina Pussy is still one giant cunt.

*the penis wizard can be purchased here
*original pics are via

QUEENS PARK GERBILS DIG DEEP BUT ARSENAL SMOKE THEM OUT.

2012-10-28T03:34:00.004-07:00

Gerbil Cisse believes Mikel Arteta was offside for the winning goal...

Well, well, well, what have we here? Err, not an awful lot actually.

Arsenal played QPR yesterday at the Emirates but it was so uneventful, if you will, that I spent half the time thinking how uninspired and low on confidence must our squad be, if we can't even beat the worst team in the league at our place anymore?

And half the time, I was just wondering how come there's not a single photoshop circulating the internet, with Djibril Cisse's face on a gerbil's body because holy shit, "Djibril" sounds like "gerbil". Am I the only one aware of that? By the time I'd realized that Cisse wasn't even playing, it was too late.

For all its shortcomings, yesterday's match had ~~one big positive~~, ~~one huge positive~~, one Michael Fassbender's dong sized positive about it and that of course, was the long awaited return of Jack Wilshere. After 17 month out of the top flight football, he's finally back. I thought he was great in the first half, pulling all the strings and if we had a decent striker out there yesterday, I believe he could've racked up some assists to his name as well. According to OptaJoe, he completed all 33 passes that he attempted in the first half. That's some comeback.

The second half saw Mbia - a man with an equal amount of consonants and vowels in his name, sent off. And if there was ever a red card you would never hear anyone argue about, it was yesterday's Mbia's needless and unprovoked kicking of Vermaelen.

Had an Arsenal player done something similar, I would've been very upset and probably, even made a lazy photoshop, portraying him in an unflattering light. I don't mess around.

Anyway, with QPR down to ten men, it's only a matter of time until we finally score, right? WRONG! Ok, not exactly wrong but Julio Cesar sure made it difficult. I can't even remember the number of saves he had to make, some of which were quite outstanding, if you ask me (no one ever asks). Why on earth is he playing for QPR anyway? He sure ain't happy about it.

It wasn't until the 85' minute, when Arsenal finally made the breakthrough. Andrei Arshavin's excellent pass (what?) found Giroud, who's header was saved, once again, by Julio the Emperor, Aaron Ramsey tried, unsuccessfully, to poke home the rebound. (ARE YOU TOO GOOD FOR YOUR HOME?! ANSWER ME!!!!) Arteta's header hit the bar but thankfully the ball was kind enough to come back straight to Mikel, who eventually smacked it into the back of the net.

Up the other end Vito Mannone made a wonderful save in the injury time, when Jamie Mackie cut open our defense, only to be denied by the Italian.

FULL TME: Arsenal 1 - 0 QPR

Afterwards Mark Hughes claimed that Mikel Arteta was offside for the winner, he said:

"The referee has really killed us because Arteta was clearly offside on two occasions,"
"He has conjured up some cock-and-bull story about Ryan Nelsen being off the pitch. It has cost us the point."

Was our goal offside? It might have been but here's another piece of information I got from OptaJoe:

"Since their return to the top flight QPR have earned more red cards than any other Premier League team."

Yesterday's red card was Mark Hughes' team's ninth in 2012, so you know what? Mark Hughes and his army of gerbils can fuck right off.

P.S. I have no hard feeling towards QPR, just Mark Hughes.

P.P.S. the picture is via.

THERE ARE VERY FEW THINGS I HATE MORE THAN LOSING TO CHELSEA.

2012-09-29T10:51:00.000-07:00

SOON...VERY SOON...

There are three things I hate in life: stupid people, sirens and sharks*. None of them however, I loathe more than losing to Chelsea Football Club. Well, yesterday not only did we lose to Chelsea, we lost to Chelsea at home. For the first time this season. Conceding two soft goals from set pieces. Aaaand adding insult to injury, Spurs beat Man Utd for the first time since 1989. So, it is safe to say I feel rather irate.

We dominated possession, had more shots on goal and God on our side, because I assumed, God doesn't reward racists, but what do ya know?

Two weeks ago,when we played Montpellier, Arsene had decided not to rotate the defense, so it wouldn't disrupt our pretty solid defensive record since the start of this campaign. Then why the fuck was Mertesacker dropped in favor of Koscielny in a toughest game this season so far?

Kos is obviously hasn't completely recovered from his injury and I say "obviously" because it would be the only explanation for his sub par performance yesterday. I have a feeling that Wenger wanted Koscielny to pick up where he left off against Man City but was hesitant to drop Vermaelen on account of him being the captain. I don't know. What I do know is leaving out our most consistent defender on the bench is questionable at the very least.

He was at fault for the first goal as he let Torres creep in behind him to score from Mata's free kick. He was also at fault for Chelsea's winner, and by "at fault" I mean he was the scorer. Another free kick from Mata, which we failed to clear, deflected off Koscielny, right past the keeper and into the back of the net.

Mannone, to be fair, should've done better on both occasions and I think we are now seeing why Szczesny is our number one. The clean sheets at the start of the season, had more to do with the quality of the opposition, than him in particular. I don't remember him making even one save yesterday.

Now, before I get to our attacking display in yesterday's match, I just want to say one thing: *clears throat* STOP FUCKING SINGING ABOUT RVP! He is a mercenary and a cunt and the last thing any Arsenal fan should do is bolster his already over-inflated ego. I know we're struggling a bit at the moment but he chose the luxury which only a high-tech metropolis like Manchester can offer, over us. Fuck him and move on. Unless, they were Chelsea fans who were singing his name, (it's hard to tell through the TV) in which case disregard everything I just said.

Anyway, Theo Walcott who has a decent record against Chelsea was left on the bench, with Oxlade-Chamberlain taking his place, not from the kick off, mind you. He actually came on as a sub after Abou Diaby had injured himself 17 minutes into the first half. At this point, had he not gone of injured after less than twenty minutes of play, it would've been much more surprising. I feel for the guy but the persistence of his injury problems makes him completely unreliable. We'll see what happens.

The Ox did pretty well, I thought, setting up Gervinho for our only goal, at the end of the second half and was constantly trying to make something happen. Podolski was invisible and if I was Jamie Redknapp, I'd say literally but I'm literate, so I won't. I swear though, towards the end of the first half I had to check the starting line-up to make sure he was actually playing. No complaints when he was subbed off after the interval.

As for Giroud, I don't even know what to say or think anymore. Everyone, including me, were pretty patient with him and after he'd ended his goal scoring drought against Coventry, on Wednesday, I genuinely believed it would finally lift his confidence and more of the same would follow. However, his stoppage-time miss yesterday, got me worried. He had only Cech to beat yet somehow, hit the side-netting. Another day, another terrible miss. For his own well-being, I hope he's not the next Chamakh.

FULL TIME: Arsenal 1 - 2 Chelsea

Afterwards, Arsene insisted that "cheap goals" cost us the game (you don't say) and on leaving the Sperm Racketeer on the bench, he said:

"That is a decision which was based on the opposition we played. You can say it was a wrong one maybe..."

It was a wrong one. No maybe.

"...but I believe [that statement] is a lowering the quality of the players who played, they are internationals."

If there was no rotation against Montpellier, there shouldn't be one against Chelsea. And now you've made John Terry and Ashley Cole happy. Are you proud of yourself Arsene? Making either John Terry or Ashley Cole happy is the equivalent of clubbing a baby seal to death and it is a proven fact.

I fucking hate losing to Chelsea, have I mentioned that yet?

*That's not true, there are a billion things I hate in life. It would actually be easier for me to site things I like than the things I hate.

RiP RvP 2004-2012.

2012-08-15T12:41:00.000-07:00

RiP RvP. The Cunt!

IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN. 2012/2013 ARSENAL'S HOME KIT IS OUT.

2012-06-23T02:26:00.000-07:00

Wow, time does fly, doesn't it? Another season has passed and here we are again, with another questionable Nike effort at our hands, as the new 2012/2013 home kit is out.

Now, besides the fact, that it's the size of a Rugby kit, there are inexplicable blue stripes on the sleeves, that once again, make me wonder who the hell are those people who've been putting their stamp of approval on our kit designs, for the past several years? I really, really want to meet them and maybe, just maybe, punch them right in the balls.

For now however, remember this, boys and girls: proper accessorizing will redeem any outfit, no matter how terrible!

'Till next time.

WEST BROM 2 - 3 ARSENAL: THE BODY OF PAT RICE.

2012-05-14T14:58:00.000-07:00

How do ye, mah fellow gooner friends?

How about that Man City, eh? Isn't it amazing how a team that spent one billion pounds on players and staff, have managed to win the league? We're lucky to be alive to witness an event so incredible, it would make those who aren't alive, roll over in their graves from envy.

Oh. My. God. You guys. It's just like a Hollywood script, isn't it? NO. NO IT IS NOT! Hollywood scripts are about underdogs, shunned by society, who overcome all obstacles to save the rec center. Not about underdogs who marry sugar daddys, who will buy them the rec center for one billion pounds.

Arsenal's future captain and my personal hero Emmanuel Y Frimpong pretty much summed it all up with this gem:

Das propah DENCH, mate!

Ok, now that's out of the way, we can talk about Arsenal.

I have to be honest and say that back in February, I was one hundred percent convinced St. Totteringham's day wouldn't come this season, such was the gap between us and Spurs. In terms of points and quality of squads, at the time. I thought it would be a gritty, unnerving scrap for fourth place, between us and Chelsea but as Sir. Purple Nose once so eloquently put it: Football...bloody hell.

So, after yesterday's win against West Brom and participation in the Champions League next season ensured (for the 15th time in a row), the St. Totteringham's day was a finger licking icing on a cake. Having said that, there's no way in hell I'm rooting for Chelsea in CL final on Saturday. I'd rather see Tottenham win it than Chelsea. Seriously, with Man City as the PL champions, Chelsea winning the Champions League, would make me lose whatever little faith in God I have left. Wars and world poverty haven't done it yet, but Chelsea being crowned as the best team in Europe will. There's only so much suffering one person can take.

You may have noticed, I haven't yet mentioned any details regarding the West Brom game, well that's due to the fact that I didn't see it. You see, my life is so wonderful, that working on Sunday is something that I do to satisfy my emotional needs. *puts gun to temple*. I did however, have access to multiple live blogs, which is just as enjoyable as watching a match live.*pulls trigger, forgot to load it*

Here's a little breakdown:

1. Yossi Benoyoun: If yesterday's game, was in fact, his last in an Arsenal shirt, then there's no better way to say goodbye than by scoring the opening goal in a match we have to win to secure our financial future. If he was a few years younger, I'd keep him for another season or two but he's in his early 30's and that's 85 in Arsene's years.

2. Our defense: At fault for West Brom's second and shaky all throughout. If it wasn't for the awesome Márton Fülöp , it would've been Norwich all over again.

3. Andre Santos: His equaliser at the 30' minute mark made it a lot easier for me to breath and also, he is now my favorite gay gooner ever (with apologies to Matt Lucas).

4. The referee: I generally find it hard to criticise people who share a birthday with me, but Mike Jones was a bit more cunty than usual yesterday. First, the atrocious decision to let West Brom's equaliser stand, even though Shane Long was miles offside, then the inexplicable five minutes of injury time.

It's fair to point out that the standards of refereeing this season have fallen below even their usual woeful self. Which brings me to the point I've been trying to make since the start of this blog. The only reason that referees keep making these mistakes is because they don't have to, at least publicly, answer for them. I've been saying it to anyone who'd listen (no one ever does) for years, that as long as referees, don't have to publicly explain their decisions, sometimes so costly and unexplainable they make you want to smash everything like you're fucking Hulk from the Avengers, as long as the FA doesn't pull its head out of its own asshole and start suspending the referees who keep fucking up (I realise that's almost all of them), then they will never get anywhere with their, cringe-worthy at this point, Respect campaigns. AAARRRGGHHHH!

5. Pat Rice: Yesterday's game should be dedicated to Pat Rice. I dedicate this post to Pat Rice. Robin van Persie should give his golden boot to Pat Rice and then sign a new contract since that's what Pat Rice would've wanted. Because, at this point, he's a part of everything this club represents and also, because he was the one, that forced Koscielny to score the winner at the start of the second half, using the power of his mind and nothing else. Everything's been said already, so I only want to say... thank you!

And this is neither here nor there but remember the song from Southpark that Cartman sang in one of the episodes called "The body of Christ"? Well, yesterday throughout the entire day, it was stuck in my head except, instead of "Christ" it was "Pat Rice":

The body of Pat Rice

Oh, what a body, all muscled up and toned

The body of Pat Rice

Oh, what a body, I wish I could call it my own

Lord Almighty, I've never been so enticed

Oh, I wish I could have the body of Pat Rice.

Yes! Someone should record it immediately as a tribute. This is my best idea yet.

14 Year Old Jack Wilshere Is Here To Make You Forget Stoke City Exits.

2012-04-28T12:44:00.000-07:00

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Remember, when a few years ago we used to call Bolton our "boogey team"? Because we always used to struggle to get results at the Reebok, and we would have half our squad out with injuries for weeks, after every single encounter with them, and they had a live Walrus for a manager and their fans were kind of a bunch of inbred cunts. But then they'd almost been relegated before their manager returned to his natural habitat and everyone just shrugged their shoulders and went: "meh". Do you remember?

Well, right now, I feel like our "boogey team" is Stoke City, except they're actually even...er, "boogier". Their fans are a bit more inbred, their manager's face is a bit more punchable and their players are a bit more psychotic (seriously, take a look at Ryan Shawcross and tell me he's not the perfect lead for a movie based on Anders Beivik's biography?).

Since Stoke's promotion back in 2008, we've only managed to win at their place once, and that was the day Aaron Ramsey almost had his career ruined forever. What I'm trying to say, I guess, is that our result today, wasn't as bad as it seems at first. Yes, not beating them is annoying. Yes, conceding a header from Peter Crouch, when we've been, non stop for the past week, going over the fact that dealing with their aerial bombardment is the only way to stop them from scoring, is annoying. Yes, the realization that that result has brought smiles to the faces of their fans is extremely irritating. But that's OK.

For one thing, we didn't lose, thank's to that sweet Robin van Persie equaliser and we still have two more games left play, to help us finish the season on a (relatively) high note.

"Hey, but what about Stoke City?" you may ask."Can they just boo Aaron Ramsey and get away with it?" you may ask. Well, don't you worry, my imaginary gooner friend. One day, the wind will blow that cap off Tony Pubis' head, Rory Delap's towel will escape, after realising that it can no longer go on living its life as a towel of Rory Delap and it will spend the rest of its days trying to suppress the memories of its past by getting high somewhere in Colorado, Ryan Shacross will be imprisoned for crimes against humanity and The City of Stoke will suffer the same fate as the Wanderers of Bolton.

The End.

P.S, I don't want to fug up the page with pictures of Britannia, so here's a picture of Jack Wilshere as a 14 year old to cheer you all up:

*original is via

CESC FABREGAS CUT OFF IN HIS PRIME, PLAYS FOR BARCELONA NOW.

2011-08-15T03:04:00.000-07:00

Ever since Arsenal signed Francesc Fàbregas i Soler from Barcelona, almost eight years ago, we've all been made aware (by the player himself) of the fact that one day, sooner or later, he will inevitably go back to his hometown club.

The announcement on Sunday night, that the deal had been agreed, definitely didn't come as a shock or a surprise, actually we've all been expecting it for awhile now, and yet here I am, still can't help but feel, that everything has happened...just a little too soon.

Deep down inside I was always hoping Fabregas wouldn't blindly overlook the simple truth that he, for all his talents, is a political tool for Barcelona chairmen, presidents, emperors or howeverthefuck they're called, to use at the right moment, to advance their agendas. Those fuckers wanted Cesc so much they made him pay more than 10% of his own transfer fee, FFS.
I'm not gonna go any further into it, since talking about the scummy way Barcelona people go about their business, would be redundant at this point, especially for Arsenal fans.

I've always thought that maybe the feeling of having an "unfinished business" - i.e winning the Premier League, would keep Cesc at Arsenal for a bit longer, but I guess that's just me, looking at the situation through the red and white colored glasses. Still, he's only 24 and has a long way to go, he could've easily stayed for another season or two, at the club that has made him who he is today. Oh well, I suppose there's only so much "suffering" one can take, right?

Anyway...

We've had some good times together, that home game in the Champions League against Juventus, where he bullied Vieira off the park and officially established himself as his replacement. That goal against Milan and the warm embrace of Wenger, the humiliation of Phil Brown and finally, the subsequent appointment as our captain - all of that, has made him a household name not only in the world of football, but also in the Arsenal record books.
Maybe he'll never be a "Thierry Henry-like" legend but he has, without a doubt, written his name into the history of Arsenal Football Club.

Ok, It's starting to feel like I'm writing a fucking eulogy here so I'm going to finish on a positive note: Thank you for everything, Cesc and hopefully Xavi's jizz won't suffocate you to death.
I'm not wishing you luck, though. Why? Well, because I'd rather eat dead batteries for dinner for the rest of my life that wish good luck to a Barcelona player.

COME ON ARRRSSSEEENNNAAAAAAAAALLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(*original pic's via)

Arsenal's New 2011/2012 Away Kit Isn't As Bad As Everyone Claims It Is.

2011-06-30T10:44:00.000-07:00

Balenciaga clutch really adds depth to this away kit...

It seems just like yesterday I was writing my second post on this blog, which was dedicated to Arsenal's away kit that had just come out, yet here I am, a year later, writing about another new away kit. I can't believe it's been a year. What's even more amazing though is that the content of this post is going to be almost identical to the one from last year: another debatable Nike effort, another attempt at trying to convince Cesc that pure high glamour isn't Barcelona's strongest point, despite what that gaylord Pep might be telling him. Unfortunately, I believe this year Guardiola's piles and piles of suit vests could just prove too tempting for Fabregas to resist (which by the looks of things is how Barca intend on paying us).
*sigh*
Anyway, I didn't write a 2010/2011 season review but that's only because I am not a masochist.

Back to the away kit business, our away kit for next season has come out and...uh...umm...it's...uh...made of fabric and...FUCK YOU NIKE, YOU GREEDY MUTHERFUCKERS!

Maybe if you add some accessories...

TOTTENHAM 3 - 3 ARSENAL: REMEMBER, THINGS CAN ALWAYS GET WORSE...

2011-04-21T06:43:00.000-07:00

Not only did we concede the title to Man Utd but we're also now in third place behind Chelsea on goal difference.

Oh well, at least we keep finding new and creative ways to throw away points, so there's that.

I LOATHE FC BARCELONA WITH ALL MY HEART.

2011-03-09T06:21:00.000-08:00

Clowns have always been Robin van Persie's biggest fear, along with Lee Mason - who apparently is cheating on his lover Phil Dowd.

I loathe Barcelona. I really, really do. They've inflicted so much pain on me, over the years. I just don't know how much longer I can take before I'll go all Jared Loughner on their asses.

I loathe the sight of that giant stadium. 99,354 seats, eh? Well, good luck filling them when your banker friends won't be around to bail you out of your mounting debts.

I loathe their cunty, hypocritical fans. All 99,354 jeering in unison whenever an Arsenal player was down on the pitch. Oh, how sweet, they're standing up for gamesmanship, and that, despite the fact most Barcelona players go down quicker than pornstars at Charlie Sheen's house, anytime something is near them.

Which segues nicely to my next point - I fucking loathe their players. World class? Yeah. World class diving cheats? FUCK YEAH! When you're that talented, do you really have to resort to such pathetic techniques? You don't have to answer that question - it's rhetorical.

I loathe that gaylord - Josep Guardiola i Sala. "Ooh, ooh there are players better than Jack Wilshere at my daughter's nursery". Well, maybe you should have played them. Then you wouldn't have required the "assistance" of the referee to help your €752 million squad progress.

Don't worry Robin, Aslan's gonna take care of Pep and that mean Swiss bitch, after the game.

I loathe all their owners, chairmen, presidents or whatever the fuck they're called over there. Acting holier than thou while blatantly tapping up players from other teams. Since the beginning of Wenger's reign as our manager, not a single summer has passed without them trying to unsettle our players.

Proclaiming to be some sort of footballing "business model". Barcelona is the world's second richest football club in terms of revenue, with an annual turn-over of €398 million, YET they're currently in a €442 million debt. How the fuck can that be considered a model of...anything?

I loathe all the commentators who whip out their baby penises on live TV and masturbate furiously to replays of another overrated Messi trick.

I loathe Massimo Busacca from Monte Carasso, Ticino, near Bellinzona (FYI). What an incompetent piece of shit, huh? Booking van Persie for not hearing the offside whistle in a stadium filled with 99,354 goddamn people. But you can't blame him, between the whistle and Robin's shot there was an interval of one second. OMFG! ONE WHOLE SECOND.

Someone should grab that Swiss fucker by the neck like this and stuff used batteries down his throat.

I loathe all referees in general, actually. As long as they don't have to publicly explain their unexplainable decisions or face any kind of consequence for their mistakes, sometimes so terrible and costly they simply leave you speechless, they're not going to get far with their laughable "Respect campaigns".

I loathe FIFA/UEFA. If someone told me Massimo Busacca was under orders during yesterday's match, that wouldn't surprise me in the slightest. Maybe I'm starting to feel a bit paranoid, what's with all horrible fuck-ups the officials have been making against us recently, but I'm not underestimating UEFA's greed. And few would deny that Barcelona is much more profitable and lucrative for the Champions League than Arsenal.

They don't want technology because it would ruin the traditional game. Right. I am convinced that's the reason and NOT because you can't bribe replays.

But you know what I loathe the most? People who say that the better team won.

"Uh...Barca had 175% of possession and uh...they have Messi, they deserved to win...durr"

DIE. DIE. IN A LAKE OF FIRE!!! ARRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

They didn't deserve anything! Before the Robin van Persie sending off, the score was:

Barcelona 1 - 1 Arsenal.

Yes, Barca had plenty of possession but until the red card they had nothing to show for it. Their first goal was a result of a terrible mistake from Cesc (cue the conspiracy theories) and most of their clear cut chances came after we were left with 10 men. (Inter got away with it last season and the heavens proclaimed Jose Mourinho as a tactical genius. But when almost the same thing happens to us, somehow we didn't deserve it. HA!)

10 v 12 - for almost an entire half. It was never going to happen for us. Xavi scored Barcelona's second and Messi (apparently an object more arousing to men than Jessica Alba and Megan Fox combined) scored their third - which was a penalty.

FULL TIME: BARCELONA 3 - 1 ARSENAL (4-3 agg.)

A red card AND a penalty - for the so called best team in the world to make it past a pack of Jack Wilsheres that wouldn't make Barca's reserves, according to their manager. That my friends is some food for thought.

But today is not the day for mourning. Today is the day for loathing.

And today...I loathe.

OOH-WAH-AH-AH...

(*the original pics are via daylife and jumping Pep is via)

CARLING CUP FINAL: AT THE GRASP OF OUR FINGERTIPS BUT WE LET IT SLIP...AGAIN.

2011-02-28T07:07:00.000-08:00

Ice-Cream Cat is going to let Jack have as much ice-cream as he wishes because he deserves better in life than to lose his first Cup final to Lee Bower.

At the final whistle, of our yesterday's Carling Cup final defeat to Birmingham, there were two things on my mind:

One - I want to hug the crap out of Jack Wilshere,

and

Two - Will I ever see this Arsenal team win a trophy?

I never thought I would ever feel this upset about a Carling Cup game but here I am, feeling only slightly less depressed than five years ago after losing to Barca in Paris.

Especially since Birmingham's win wasn't a result of some refereeing cock up or cheating or anything similar. No, it was a result of determination and hard work. They wanted it more and it was pretty evident, when with about twenty minutes to go, Roger Johnson was limping after injuring himself but refused to come off.

And while saying they deserved it wouldn't be completely true, at least according to statistics, it's impossible to deny the fact, they've won it fair and square. What their game plan lacked in creativity it made up in efficiency.

Our team, on the other hand, seemed if not disinterested then definitely uninspired, at times. There were very few Arsenal players on that lime green Wembley pitch who looked like they were up to the task.

It's funny how Arsene always talks about the depth of our current squad yet the minute you take one "starting XI" player out of the team, we appear lost. And yes, I know it's not just any player, it's Fabregas but seriously, how thin does his absence make our squad look? It's when he's not playing that it becomes so evident - how truly integral he is to our team. And it's not even his passing or his creativity, it's the way he manages to keep our team together, make them "click", if you will.

Playing Rosicky in Cesc's position was never going to lead to anything positive. I said it in one of my previous posts, Tomas brings about as much to our team as a mutant crossbreed between *insert the names of two players who aren't very good*. As much as I dislike Diaby, I honestly believe he would've done a better job.

Our defense wasn't half as solid as they'd been in previous games. There was a lot of pre-match talk about Nikola Žigić and how dangerous he is and how we should pay more attention to him. So naturally, it was him who headed in the opener, after we failed to properly clear Birmingham's corner.

We managed to pick ourselves up with five minutes to go before half-time. Jack Wilshere's shot went off the crossbar, Arshavin picked it up, his cross found Van Persie in the center of the penalty box and he volleyed home the equalizer but not before taking a heavy knock to his knee.

At that point, I'm hoping it'll be a different story in the second half. And it was, to an extent. We started off brightly, Ben Foster was forced to make some decent saves but when Robin couldn't shake off his injury, he had to be replaced by Bendtner. Unfortunately, replacing creativity with confidence doesn't always work.

Several minutes later, Chamakh replaced Arshavin - who despite having a relatively poor game wasn't as ineffective as Rosicky.

We're into the final 15 minutes of the match, Birmingham has a limping central defender and we have some fresh blood in attack. Can we pull if off or will we bottle it once again? Oh god, even if you didn't know the final score, this question would have sound rhetorical.

With about a minute of normal time left to play, a defensive mix-up/monstrous fuck up between Wojciech Szczesny and Laurent Koscielny, led to Obafemi Martins scoring the simplest of tap-ins he'll ever score - to win Birmingham's first major trophy since 1963.

It also guarantees them a place in the Europa League and there's nothing to say other than - "Congratulations". They did seem like they wanted it more, didn't they?

What a comically ridiculous was to lose a cup final, eh?

Is there a point in talking about what a win would've done for our confidence and our pursuit of the Premier League? About how it would've, at least for awhile, shut all the critics who gloat with glee over our trophy-less misfortunes up? About how it could affect the rest of our season? About how there is now a real possibility we might be out of all cup competitions by the end of next week?

No, no there is no point.

If I'm being perfectly honest, I had a sneaky feeling it wasn't going to be our day at the very start of the game, when Wojciech Szczesny fouled Lee Bower in the box but linesman wrongly flagged for offside. Had the flag stayed down it would've been a very different story and our defeat would've been much easier to accept.

Before I'm done, I want to say a word about Jack Wilshere - the only player who tried to make things happen for us, yesterday. The only Arsenal player who showed as much desire to win it as Birmingham did. It was his drive from the midfield which led to our only goal.

For a 19 year old to get to the Cup final at Wembley, to feel his first trophy, as a professional, at the grasp of the fingertips and have it taken away - must feel pretty awful.

Seeing him cry at the end was heartbreaking, mostly because it was like watching a fellow fan cry. I just wanted to pinch his cheeks and buy him an ice-cream. You could tell it wasn't some ego-trip, à la John Terry in the Champions League. You could tell it was sincere. Aww :(

Therefore, I believe we can all agree on one thing - Alex McLeish makes babies cry!

The end.

(*btw, the original top pic is via)

ARSENAL 2 - 0 WOLVES: ROBIN VAN PERSIE BREAKS RECORDS AND MICK MCCARTHY IS CLASSY.

2011-02-12T12:35:00.000-08:00


Robin van Persie, Michael McCarthy. The former breaks records. The latter's just classy.

Last time we played Wolves (which was in November, by the way) we finished the match with the exact same scoreline as today - this would have to be the only similarity between the two games.

The former, was a rather nervy affair. Marouane Chamakh scored in the first and the last minutes of the match to secure the points. However, the hero of the day, turned out to be the one and only Lukas Fabianski - after making a string of crucial saves. I think, after that game, everyone became a bit more at ease with having him as our number one.

I have to say, before he got injured, I was secretly hoping he would emulate his performance in today's game as well. Just so I could use "BAMBI FENDS OFF WOLVES" as my main headline. Since I missed out on that opportunity the last time. Oh well...

Anyway, it was a completely different story this time around.

For one thing, it wasn't Chamakh who was leading our attack, it was Robin van Persie - top scorer in the Premier League in 2011. He scored both of our goals and could have easily had another hat-trick. He now has ELEVEN Premier League goals and according to Infostrada - he's broken a record for most goals scored in first two months of a calendar year.

Had he been fit from August through November, one would assume we'd be a lot closer to the top of the table than we are at the moment. He's always been world-class but I guess we're finally starting to see and benefit from it. For how long? I don't know. Every time we're starting to believe his problems are behind him - the rug is pulled from under our feet by another injury.

Then there's Jack Wishere, who very obviously is high on confidence after his midweek England debut. Some of the passes, which he managed to pick out, were absolutely brilliant.

The kind of passes we are used to seeing from Cesc - who had a quiet game overall (by his standards) and was extremely wasteful in front of goal, it has to be mentioned.

Which segues nicely to my next point: HOW MANY FUCKING CHANCES DO WE NEED TO SCORE A GOAL? AARRRGGGGGGGHHHH!!11!!1

It is so unbelievably frustrating to watch, how we squander chance after chance. There were periods in that match, when I thought we'd never score another goal...ever again. When Van Persie was through on goal for his second, I honestly expected it to either go wide or hit the post.

Theo in particular, has been making some questionable decisions in front of goal, lately. His second half miss (of the match) was especially irritating. Is Thierry Henry still training with us? Maybe he needs to show Walcott some of his DVD's (with Henry on it I mean, not some random stuff like "Aladdin" - which i assume Theo would enjoy). I take nothing away from his assist, though.

In defence, I thought we looked comfortable and dealt with most of the set-pieces - which ironically account for 90% of the goals conceded for Arsenal and goals scored for Wolves (these stats are unconfirmed).

There wasn't a hint of any kind of hangover from last Saturday's nightmarish second half and I did not expect one, to be honest. We played that second half with ten men against Newcastle's TWELVE (get it? it's a Phil Dowd diss) and no Johan Djourou.

A couple of years ago no one would've predicted just how instrumental and important of a role Djourou would play for us. These statistics from OptaJean pretty much sum up that second half against Newcastle:

Djourou/Koscielny: 1 goal conceded every 295 mins (2 goals in 590 mins),

Squillaci/Koscielny: 1 every 47 mins (20 in 949).

HOLY SHIT!

Afterward Wolves' boss Mick McCarthy said this:

"There was a murder going on. They have murdered us today - all over the park, from 1 to 11, they were better than us, stronger than us and quicker than us. I have to admire their class and the way they play. We were spanked."

Oh, whatever you...wait, what? The manager of the losing team admits they were outplayed? WHY?

He could've complained about how our second goal should've been ruled out for offside or how they were denied a "stonewall" penalty. His team is rock bottom and he doesn't even try to divert attention and simply admits their shortcomings?

What is the world coming to?

*cough* David Moyes *cough*

NEWCASTLE 4 - 4 ARSENAL: PHIL DOWD AND LEE MASON ARE SITTING IN A TREE - F.U.C.K.I.N.G.

2011-02-06T06:19:00.000-08:00

"Me and Lee Mason care very deeply about each other so beat it, Hobbit boy."

It seems like only a couple of days ago I was writing a post about the Everton game and the incompetence of Lee Mason and his minions. I had never written a post about an Arsenal match - so heavily focused on referees before and I genuinely thought I wouldn't be dragged into doing that again.

I've seen a lot of costly fuck ups made by the officials throughout the years and I would have thought I'm used to them by now. But every once in awhile, you see a refereeing performance so pathetic in its inadequacy, you're obliged to react - like yesterday, against Newcastle.

Idiotic, risky and dangerous challenges by Joey Barton and Co. went unpunished the entire match. Meanwhile, Newcastle were getting free-kicks left and right. It's nothing however, compared to the penalties awarded.

The first one was soft but you can understand why it was given - clumsy challenge by Koscielny + dramatic dive + pressure from the home fans = we've seen it all before. The second though, still boggles my mind. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR? Seriously, I don't think Dowd himself knows. The only explanation I can think of - it's his way of avenging his lover Lee Mason.

How nice of Philip Dowd to show solidarity with his colleague, eh? It's typical though, isn't it? Instead of admitting their mistakes and attempting to improve the game, they go all out, trying to show us who's the boss.

I said it in my previous post, the "governing bodies" can't keep preaching to us about how the officials should be respected. It's hard to argue with the abuse they're getting when they're put on a pedestal by the FA - you can never question their decisions, publicly criticize them or post mildly amusing photoshops on twitter (the number one source for reliable and official information).

It makes them believe they're untouchable. They feel as if they're allowed to turn their job into a subjective matter. And if you intentionally make your officiating subjective, you're a pathetic excuse of a referee.

But I have to admit, as much of a cunt as Phil Dowd is, he's not the main reason we didn't win yesterday. The main reason is our team. Because it doesn't matter how much the ref tries to make it happen for the opposition, you still should have enough to win the game you're leading by FOUR clear goals with half an hour to go.

Abou Diaby's sending off was definitely the turning point. You can't really argue with the red card but you can argue with some of the fans' reactions and proposals to hang him from the tallest chapel.

Diaby almost had his career ended by a horrendous tackle during his first season with us. Since then he's been in and out of the treatment room, thanks to some really bad challenges and that Barton challenge was BAD. Anyone, who's not a robot unable to feel emotions, should understand his reaction, especially given the fact that Phil Dowd gave absolutely no protection to our players. Having said that, he's a professional and if he can't cope with the mental aspect of the game then both Arsenal and Diaby have a serious problem.

I also want to mention, watching the "pundits" on MOTD, say that the tackle on Diaby is "tough but nothing wrong with it", was rather cringe worthy.

You know what else was cringe worthy? Our defence! When Johan Djourou went off injured, I immediately knew we would concede (not 4, mind you). Sébastien Squillaci is just a terrible, terrible central defender. I try to be cautious but comparisons with Silvestre are inevitable. Although, Silvestre has been getting death threats from Werder fans this season, so I don't think Squillaci is at his level...yet.

I could talk about how the manager should have bought a new defender in January but I will not do that because I am not a masochist.

Then, there's Tomas Rosicky who was responsible for at least TWO of Newcastle goals. It really is sad watching his downfall but he's become a clear liability. He brings about as much to our game as a mutant crossbreed of Denilson and Eboue. I'm afraid he's got to go this summer.

And I should probably mention Cesc Fabregas - who's second half performance was way below par. He didn't try to make anything happen in that second half and just sort of rode the wave, along with most of the other players. There were periods in the last half an hour when it felt like no one was leading our team - we looked lost. No one, who could have dealt with the panic.

The only positive to come out of all this mess is Man Utd's defeat to Wolves, which not only means that we've closed the gap to four points but also that our 49 unbeaten record is safe for now. They can try again next season.

And those who say, they feel worse in light of Utd's defeat - need their heads examined. Think about it...the only reason they lost is because we failed to win. They went out there thinking they've won the league. Had we managed to hang on to our lead and take all the points, the Mancs would've spanked Wolves...SO hard.

Believe me.

To conclude:

Fuck you, Phil Dowd.

Fuck you, Lee Mason.

Fuck you, Joey Barton - as a footballer and as a motherfuckin' human being.

And if you wanna be down with those cunts

Then fuck you too

"Match of the Day", fuck you too

All you motherfuckers, fuck you too

MY FO FO MAKE SURE ALL YO KIDS DONT GROW...

...or something less violent.

ARSENAL 2 - 1 EVERTON: MOYES AND MASON ARE SITTING IN A TREE - F.U.C.K.I.N.G.

2011-02-02T10:46:00.000-08:00

A quick recap of yesterday's match.

Ok, so yesterday we played Everton at the Emirates and we won. It was a great match and three very important points in the bag, especially since everyone flat-out refuses to beat Man Utd.

However instead of the thorough statistical analysis of the match (ha-ha), I want to talk about several things which I found to be utterly irritating during yesterdays game - Lee Mason, Stephen Child and David Moyes.

Let's start with the disastrous officiating.

For the opening goal, Seamus Coleman played a pass to Louis Saha, Koscielny attempted an overhead kick to clear the ball - slightly touching it, before Saha smashed it past Szczesny. Oh, I almost forgot, Saha was at least a yard offside.

The entire stadium, the managers, the players and all the TV viewers - SAW IT. Absolutely everyone - except the person who's actually hired to do it. It was an unbelievably bad decision from Stephen Child to allow it. Yes, Koscielny got a touch but Saha was already offside when Coleman's pass was played.

The stadium was roaring and when Mason went over to the linesman for a chat/explanation, I was quietly hoping, he was trying to avoid the colossal fuck up. But I came to my senses as soon he pointed to the center-circle, several seconds later. FUCK. FUCKITY. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.

Had Everton managed to hold on to that goal, it would've signaled the end for out title aspirations and a looming shitstorm for Lee Mason. One shit refereeing decision almost wrecked our season - the severity of that sentence scares me to no end.

There should be repercussions for Mason and Child, like in any other profession. If you cannot adequately do your job, usually you're not allowed to continue.

If you're getting a blood transfusion and the doctor in charge accidentally infects you with AIDS, you wouldn't dismiss it as just a "human error", forget about it and move on, would you? The answer is "FUCK NO!" That fucker ruined your life and the least you would do is make sure he's never allowed to step foot in a hospital.

Well, then you would agree the situation with Lee Mason and his minion is no different. Their monstrous cock up yesterday, almost infected our title challenge with AIDS, we were 20 minutes away from conceding the league to Man Utd - there and then.

But will the FA actually act on it, demote them, discipline them? Of course not. They keep preaching that referees must be respected but the truth is, more often than not - they don't deserve any fucking respect.

We keep seeing referees make the kind of "blunders" which we thought weren't possible for professionals to make, yet the people in charge of the so-called "best league in he world" have no hesitation in employing them. I think the fact that Howard Webb is supposed to be the best referee in England tells its own story.

ARRRGGHHH!1111!!!!!!!!!1

Thankfully the feeling of injustice was the fuel for the great second half where we managed to turn the game on its head. Hand on heart - I didn't think we could do it.

I thought it was going to be one of those days - a terrible decision would cost us the game. Then Arsene would say something in his post-match interview about the officials which the FA would fine him for and then Sky Sports and all the back pages would discuss it for awhile before deciding that Lee Mason is just a human and we, apparently, all make mistakes. Case closed.

BUT Arsenal had other ideas in mind. First, Cesc's pass found Arshavin (who had come on as a sub eight minutes earlier) in the box and through slight deflection via Rodwell's head he comfortably beat Howard, to net his first goal since the draw at Wigan.

Then, six minutes later came the winner. Van Persie's corner found Koscielny's head before finding the back of the net.

I could feel the vibrations (feel it, feel it) of the Emirates through my TV. The celebrations were glorious.

There was about 15 minutes of normal time and FIVE minutes of injury time left to play but we managed to hang on.

At the final whistle I felt so exhausted, even though I barely moved throughout the match.

What a fantastic comeback, absolutely NOTHING could spoil it...oh wait, what's that?

Everton boss David Moyes:

"The comments which Cesc Fabregas made to the fourth official and referee at half time deserved a sending off. He's a big player for them. I think it changed the flow of the game. I'm not going to repeat what he said, I'll let them tell you what he said."

Um...what?

Whatever those comments were, they were 100% deserved. IF, in fact, they were actually made.

At first, I thought maybe Moyes, is simply trying to stir some shit in order to divert attention from the fact that his team is now only three points off the relegation zone. But then it dawned on me - he's a GINGER. HA! This illogical attention seeking is an attempt to overcompensate for the fact that he will never be loved!

Seriously though, Everton had four shots on target, one of which resulted in an unjust goal that should have never been allowed to stand. Moyes, of all people, really has nothing to complain about here.

I've always liked Everton but THIS is simply pathetic. If you want us to believe your bullshit story David Moyes, then I only have one thing to say to you:

TITS OR GTFO!!!

Uh...actually...umm...that came out wrong.

PICS OR GTFO. Yes, pics. NOT tits.

The last thing I want do is look at David Moyes' tits.

Definitely.

UPDATE: David Moyes has denied the claims which suggest he could be lying. CLICK HERE to watch his interview (It's worth watching, believe me).

RUSSIAN SPORT EXPRESS INTERVIEWS ANDREI ARSHAVIN, I TRANSLATE. POORLY.

2011-01-27T16:37:00.000-08:00

Arshavin has refuted the claims that he simply doesn't give a sh!t anymore.

This is my translation of Andrei Arshavin's interview from the Russian Sport Express. Hope it makes sense.

THE SITUATION

How do you see the current situation?

Everything's going the way it's going. Since the Chelsea match our team's been looking very confident and winning points feels easier than at the start of the season.

But, unfortunately, practically without you.

What can I do - that's the way it has turned out.

And how do you feel about that?

Naturally, I want to play in every match. But at the moment, those who play in my position - Samir and Theo (Nasri and Walcott), - look very good. They are in perfect shape and that's why they're out on the pitch.

And you, it turns out, are far from being in perfect shape? Otherwise, I think no competition would've forced you to sit on the bench.

Hopefully, your statement is correct but to verify it I really need to get in a better shape.

What do you need for that to happen?

Work hard in training - football doesn't have any other recipes.

PHYSICAL

I think, that to treat any disease, we must first figure out the correct diagnosis. Let's start with the "physical" aspect. How do you feel?

It varies. There are matches when I feel good, there are matches when I feel worse. But in general, I feel alright.

Nevertheless, it can be seen with the naked eye, that you are inferior to yourself from 2008. What do you think?

I think, at the moment I'm lacking sharpness.

What are the reasons?

I don't know. There are no objective reasons. Maybe, I'm getting older (smiles)

At 29? Tell me, the amount of training work you do, remains the same?

Naturally. But you can't get back to your best, only through training - you have to play games. I'm out on the pitch fairly regularly, actually. Our schedule, at this time, allows everyone to get matches.

But you play, mostly, in cup matches. Where, calling a spade a spade, plays a second string squad.

You're right, although I'm taking it in stride - it's a phase that I need to get trough. I've nothing to reproach myself with. There isn't anything I do that could've knocked me off the track and interfered with my football. I follow strictly, all the coaches' instructions. At the start of the season I stopped drinking, not only alcohol, but even Coca-Cola. By the way, maybe that's the problem? (laughs)

But you probably know your body better than any coach and through the years have come up with tricks how to get yourself in the best shape.

That's why I need more rest - no training, just games. (laughs) But if we're being serious then the work you do in training, naturally, can't be bad for you. And generally, for me personally, training work doesn't vary anymore - (Vlastimil) Petrjela, (Dick) Advocaat, (Arsene) Wenger - it's all similar.

Then what are the sources of variation in physical fitness?

A phase of life, country, food, the way you feel on the inside, etc.

Maybe, Russians simply cannot be in good shape during the winter because their bodies are used to rest in this time of year?

Convenient excuse, but no one really knows whether it's actually true.

And when was the first time you felt that you were lacking sharpness?

Since the start of the season it would only be there occasionally.

Maybe, the unusually long summer vacation is to blame?

Not excluded. Recently, I read what our Biathlon coach had so say: Two month without full training is devastating for any professional athlete. And no exercises, workouts or jogging you do on your own, will save the situation.

Were you feeling fine during the pre-season, after two months of vacation?

Absolutely. It was even easier than usual.

Today, besides the usual training work, is there anything else you do to improve the situation?

Coaches give me personal tasks, which are meant to improve my starting speed.

Do you feel you're benefiting from those?

Initially it felt really good, but now it seems I've gotten used to it.

Do you believe that the key to your current situation is physical fitness?

It doesn't work like that: something's excellent, something's awful. Naturally, after two or three not very successful matches, especially if they're Cup matches, confidence in your own abilities is starting to drop.

PSYCHOLOGY

How does it show?

When you're completely fine, you don't even think, what you should do in a given situation: you operate in an automatic regime. Now, however you get the ball and you start thinking: Should I go it alone? What if I lose the ball? And if I'll pass it, they'll think I just want to get rid of it, that I'm afraid to take over the game? When these type of thoughts are starting to occur, the decision you make is almost always wrong. As a result, you miss a lot of great chances. For example, in the replay match with Leeds, I was in a good position but fired a shot that ended up on the roof of the stadium: for the first time in history of the arena. Couldn't have done it on purpose. Rugby players would have been envious.

Maybe, you're affected by the fact that in the Zenith and the National Team squad you've always been the undisputed leader who was allowed to do absolutely anything but at Arsenal you don't have that status?

Hard to say, but I definitely don't feel any discomfort of such kind.

Is your team's psychological field important to you? (ed: not 100% sure it's correct but there's no other way to translate it)

It is important for any athlete who plays in a team. But here you definitely won't find anything worrying - I don't have problems with my team-mates.

What has Wenger been telling you in recent weeks?

Nothing special. He's been supporting me publicly more.

Do you think, him leaving you on the bench has an element of trying to teach you a lesson?

Certainly not. Arsene just picks those who are currently in better form. Besides, regarding training he doesn't have any complaints and he has said so himself.

Doesn't the idea, that your team-mates are now stronger than you are, knocks you even further off the track?

No, of course not. My problems are not my team-mates, the problems are IN me. They need to be resolved - and everything will fall into place. Hopefully, it'll happen sooner rather than later.

When was the first time you realized some of the thinking you do on the pitch is unnecessary?

In recent matches.

And how do you get rid of it?

Unfortunately, there's no switch in your body that could turn off all the unwanted thoughts. You have to train, to play - confidence and automatic decision making will come back only after several successful matches.

How quickly do you forget failures?

It varies. It all depends on the extent of the failure.

I have a feeling that the trail from Maribor* has stretched up to here... (*city in Slovenia where Russia failed to qualify for the WC 2010 )

It definitely does not affect my current game.

What does affect it - local failures?

Actually, nothing critical is happening. At the moment, the rhythm of the game, when the club plays four matches in ten days - is the best medicine to forget about all the setbacks.

How does your self-esteem change after a major success or a deafening failure?

Not the self-esteem but once again, the level of confidence.

And what if your team will start winning title after title, would you be ready to stay and take on a secondary role?

If it is going to be the condition of our success - of course. But no true athlete would wish to simply be a passenger.

When you were on your way to England, you had plans for the near future. Are they starting to materialize?

I wanted to see how everything works here, to play in the best league in the world, in one of the best teams of that league, with team-mates, some of whom are among the best in the world. All of this is happening.

What about your own place in this idyllic English picture. Are you satisfied?

Not totally. Something seems to be working out but it obviously could be better.

Even now, during your slump, you dream of global achievements?

Yes. I know: If you play football really well, they will come.

You just need to understand what you have to do for that to happen.

If it could have been calculated mathematically, there would've been a lot of great football players. As it is - there are one or two.

Has the complete lifestyle change affected your game?

At home, of course, I feel much more comfortable but also, I'm fully used to London, by now. Here, everything's more measured, calmer, quieter. Although, naturally some domestic problems were solved a lot easier in St. Petersburg. Getting used to London was really hard but right now I don't have any problems.

Maybe, a more measured way of life is responsible for the lack of drive on the pitch?

Who can determine exactly?

MENTALITY

Maybe, you've become a bit calmer and more sensible - thanks to the new lifestyle and everything you've been through.

Have my habits and my nature changed, it can only be assessed by the people close to me and only after I'll come back to Russia.

In football, do you think you've reached the top?

I think, there's still something left in the "stockpile". I hope, I can raise the bar.

Meanwhile, some say your career is on the decline.

What can I say? Everyone has the right to believe what they want. I'm not going to argue with anyone: my job is to play football. I still have time.

What about the desire and the energy?

Desire is definitely there. Energy, as well. Sometimes.

There's another point of view: tough and dynamic English League isn't suited for your style of play.

Football that Arsenal plays suits me completely. Of course, pace of the game in England is higher than anywhere else in the world but this is why it's the best league in the world. Playing here - the most powerful motivator.

Can you already call the English League your own?

I've been here for two years - during these months, it really has been mine.

Do you feel like you've proven everything you wanted to?

I wasn't trying to prove anything to anyone. Only to myself.

How high, the bar on the inside is raised?

I've never even attempted to determine it. Generally, I never think about the global aspects of my career. I'll take what I'm given.

But it happens, sometimes, that people blow their chances.

Maybe, but let me reiterate: my main critic is myself, however at this stage I couldn't blame myself for doing something wrong even if I wanted to.

Is there someone who's giving you advice about life in football?

I don't think there's anyone who can tell me more than I already know

Just imagine how happy you're making your enemies, right now.

Let them be happy. (laughs) That's the way life is - someone's rooting for you, someone's gloating.

LIFE GOES ON

January 1 Arsenal had an away game at Birmingham. Did you celebrate the New Year on the bus, on the way there?

No, we had the time to check into our hotel before midnight.

UK time?

Moscow time.

And, was it festive?

You're kidding?

Did you at least make a wish?

Yes. The way it should be done - with the sound of the clock chimes, I drank a little champagne, I threw the ashes of the paper on which I'd written my wish, into the glass.

Was the wish football related?

I would say - universal, football-o-human.

Pavlyuchenko told me the exact same thing.

Me and Yulia once taught this to Roma and Larisa.

Do the rumors which are sending you to either Juventus or Chelsea have some truth in them?

Of course, not. My thoughts right now, are all about the Arsenal.

This season at Arsenal, everyone's asking questions about the title.

It's too soon to talk about the title. But right now we're in a good position and have been playing very confidently in the recent matches. I'm particularly pleased that we're conceding a lot less.

But Manchester United still refuses to lose.

I have thought about this: wouldn't it be cool if they didn't lose a single match but still not ended up as Champions. They have enough draws.

Do you share the views of those who think that Man Utd this season is inferior to Man Utd from a couple of seasons ago?

Probably, not - they're about the same. It's clear that a lot depends on Rooney, and this season he's been scoring a lot less than previously. But this is actually their advantage - if they managed to grab so many points without their star-striker, what will happen once he's back to his best? It's the story of Michael Jordan and Chicago Bulls. Everybody knew he never scores less than 25-30 points a game. And when at the start of the game he wasn't at his best and the team was losing, everyone was calm - they were just waiting for him to get going.

Has Chelsea fallen apart?

No, of course not. They had a lot of problems - injuries to key players. But now, everything seems to be back to normal. I'm sure pretty soon they'll start playing in their usual tempo. Manchester City and Tottenham also shouldn't be dismissed. We're not lacking competition.

In relation to Manchester United, do you feel you're chasing them or do you feel you're on equal terms?

The fight at the top of the table is escalating, every point is as valuable as gold. There's great pressure on everyone and those who are better equipped to deal with it - those will finish first.

In the Champions League, the draw has once again, slipped you Barcelona. What are your thoughts?

I hope, this season our matches against Barca will turn out differently than in the past, otherwise we're gonna have to ask ourselves what have we been doing all this time? Of course, at this stage we would've preferred an "easier" opponent but we've only got ourselves to blame - we should've topped our group. But we lost at Braga, a game which we absolutely had to win.

How do you feel about the extremely short stop you're going to have to make in the Emirates for the National Team match?

It's a further proof that club football is pushing the international game more and more to the sidelines.

Why is that?

Money. Why else?

Does this mean that in Abu-Dhabi no one will be trying too hard?

If someone didn't want to play for the national team, they simply would have refused to come. If we're going, it means we want to play and we will play. The amount of inconveniences it will create is another matter.

All of our national teams' leaders who play in England have problems with the amount of playing time they're getting. So, as it turns out even the best Russian players aren't good enough for the local level?

No. Yuri Zhirkov is injured and the rest are in difficult situations. If there were twenty of us and we were all sitting on the bench, these type of conclusion would be appropriate but right now, there's obviously not enough "material". Especially, since all of us, one way of another make it to the pitch. A month ago I was still playing regularly - was the level of football in Russia different then? It's the kind of mentality we have in our country, once someone gets benched - everyone immediately starts drawing global conclusions. In England it's a fairly standard situation. Take [Tomas] Rosicky, for example - the leader of the Czech national team but for the past two seasons he hasn't been playing regularly. Does it mean that the Czech football is weak now? Or Gyan - Africa's player of the year, until Sunderland's Darren Bent was sold, he didn't have much playing time. But no-one was throwing any tantrums about that.

Nevertheless, we all want to constantly see you in the Arsenal squad.

I want it more than anyone else. Naturally, the current situation does not suit me. What can I do - keep living and trying to improve.

Outside of football, do you manage to keep your spirits up?

The moods are changing, life doesn't consist of just football. But football - the most important part, that's why I always want to play.

source

WIGAN 2 - 2 ARSENAL: SAD WALRUS HAS SOME THOUGHTS.

2010-12-30T10:36:00.000-08:00

Sad Walrus thinks all the good work from the Chelsea game has been undone with this result.

Sad Walrus is a huge Arsenal fan. He goes to every game, as matter of fact he's a season ticket holder. He's got family and kids to feed and in these tough economic times, for a simple plumber like Sad Walrus, it's especially hard. And yet he has no doubt in his mind that splashing out 1100£ on a season ticket is absolutely worth it. Although he would never admit it.

See, our Walrus here, has become a bit disillusioned with Arsenal's form in recent seasons. He claims he isn't bothered anymore with this team. He thinks Wenger's method is outdated and he's not going to rest until the manager is sacked. He tells everyone he's only been to two home games this season and his Fulham supporting step-brother is actually the one using his season ticket. I suspect he's lying.

I know he's doing it out of love, though. Deep down inside, he's hurting. And the reason he's saying he's given up on Arsenal is because he cares. He cares a lot more than most of the other fans. He's invested a lot of money in our great club but it's nothing compared to the amount of emotional distress it has caused him over the years. And Sad Walrus deserves to be re-payed. He deserves to see that shiny trophy (any trophy) glisten in the sun.

So, I understand him, completely. I understand him demanding Arsene's head on a plate after yesterday's draw with Wigan. I mean, maybe he didn't have to make EIGHT changes to the team that outplayed the Champions. Rotation during this period is necessary but maybe five or six would've been enough. And he's the one who thought waiting until 85' minute to make a sub, even though it was evident to anyone with eyes our game desperately needed it, is perfectly acceptable. Not to mention him playing Arshavin AND Eboue on the same flank. (Yet I did. HA!)

And I understand him wanting a clear-out in January transfer window. After all, despite the eight changes, we really should've won. Every single player who was on that pitch yesterday is an experienced international (besides Denilson). Arshavin and Bendtner is our unwanted second string now? Bullshit! Those were players MORE than capable of beating a team in the relegation zone. They were lazy and uninspired, they don't deserve anything more than a place on the bench. On a park bench, which they'll have to share with a hobo.

Also, I understand him wanting a world-class defence. No team will ever win the league with a defence prone to the kind of mistakes which cost them games.

I understand. I want those things too, well some of them, at least.

But I just can't bring myself to give up on Arsenal, I don't think I could do it even if I try. Hell, I still think we've a chance to win some trophies this season. Sad Walrus had branded my unreasonable optimism as "blind faith". And I'm not entirely sure he is wrong.

I just don't think I could ever wish for us to fail just so I could say "I told you so".

Maybe, I don't care enough.

Or, maybe Lee Probert deserves to be hit repeatedly over the head with a shovel.

Discuss.

THE DAY DIDIER DROGBA COULDN'T SCORE AGAINST ARSENAL.

2010-12-28T09:19:00.000-08:00

Johan Djourou had Drogba's balls firmly in his hand the entire match.

Ahead of our match against Chelsea yesterday, every "pundit" and sports journalist was standing in line, ready to whip out the statistics and wave them in front of anyone who would dare to be optimistic about our prospects.

However, unlike some of our previous encounters, this one didn't have "the inevitable defeat" written all over it. Somehow, despite all the stats, predictions and analysis I had a good feeling about this one. I was hoping for a win but I thought a draw was the more likely outcome. Either way, there was one thing we all were convinced was going to happen for sure - Didier Drogba would score a goal.

13 GOALS IN 13 MATCHES - Drogba's record against us. I have to admit, at this point I can't stand the sight of the fucker but GODDAMN, that's impressive!

So imagine my complete and utter shock when after the final whistle I looked at the score sheet and his name wasn't on it. That was more surprising than the score itself. Some Chelsea fans say it's down to Malaria which Drogba still hasn't completely recovered from. I say it's down to a conversation, which must've recently taken place between Johan Djourou and a certain Philippe Sylvain Senderos.

I imagine it went something like this:

Johan: Show me, where did Didier touch you?

Big Phil: ......*starts crying uncontrollably*

Johan: I shall avenge your suffering, Philippe. Mark my words.

Anyway, I am not going to jump on the bandwagon, suggesting we've broken some kind of "HOODOO". It's not like Drogba will never score against us ever again, he will. For all we know yesterday's match could be just a one-off. But hey, it doesn't matter right now because we won. Not only that, we actually outplayed them.

Every single Arsenal player deserves the praise for that performance. Song had his best game of the season so far and I'm not even talking about his super-important opener. Fabregas played like...uh...Fabregas and hopefully his goal will make him forget about his hammy.

Then there's Walcott. I wasn't worried at all when I found out he was starting. I was just glad Wenger had the balls to drop Arshavin. I knew Theo would take his chance. Not only did he set up Fabregas for our second, making Ashley Cole look like the twat he really is in the process but he also scored our third, which was as Henry-esque as it gets. The exchange of passes with Cesc, the run, the finishing - everything about Walcott's goal was top-class.

We had a lap of concentration later in the game and conceded from a set-piece but fortunately it turned out to be nothing more than a consolation for Chelsea.

FULL-TIME: Arsenal 3 - 1 Chelsea.

Great game. Great win. Too bad we only have one day to enjoy it. *frowny face*

Also, Mark Clattenburg is a useless prick but the whole time I was watching the game I couldn't help thinking that for a Premier League referee he's actually pretty decent looking. But then again, I'm a disgusting pervert with an extensive collection of midget porn.

So...Uh...Hmm...

Hey, what's that?

*runs away in tears*

ARSENAL'S SERIOUS PRE-MATCH TEAM PHOTO AND PARTIZAN BELGRADE.

2010-12-09T11:31:00.000-08:00

Serious Cats are not impressed with our performances in Europe this season.

Even though our last group stage game in the Champions League didn't provide us with a performance to be proud of, it DID provide us with this weird as all fuck, pre-match team photo.

Absolutely everyone in the back row look like they want to murder you. Except Chamakh - he looks like he's about to date rape you.

Now, the front row - Sagna looks lost, Denilson and Gibbs look like escapees from a Chilean prison and Nasri and Arshavin could pass for models from the kids' section of a new Sears catalog.

I can't decide whether this picture is awesomely creepy or creepily awesome. Discuss

As for the Partizan match itself, I don't think it warrants any type of discussion since it was as mediocre as it gets but I'll discuss it anyway. I'm mysterious like that.

Anyway, the first half was rather dull, we took the lead via a Van Persie penalty, about 15 minutes before the interval and...Sir?...Sir?...Sir...yes, you...move along please, nothing to see here.

As the second half was about to start I thought to myself - Ok, although we've been pretty dreadful, so far, I'm sure we'll win this one comfortably. It's not like Partizan are causing any trouble. Hopefully Shakhtar will lose their game and...whoops. Surprise butt seks! Parizan score. It's 1-1.

Fuck topping the group, we should have worried about this stuff when we were losing to Braga. I just want to qualify. Cannot let Spurs advance further than us. COME ON SHAKHTAR!

My plea was followed by a very nervy half an hour, where I honestly couldn't tell which way it's gonna go. None of the players on the pitch looked like they could inspire the breakthrough. Thankfully, it's not 1952 and teams are allowed to make substitutions. The ineffective Arshavin was replaced by Theo Walcott, who in turn, replaced my anxiety with jubilation by scoring the match winning goal.

There was another one, with about ten minutes to go from Nasri involving his trademark footwork, described by some on Saturday as "poetry in motion" but Theo's goal was definitely the one that sealed the deal.

Also, Sagna got sent off with about 5 minutes to go. It was a straight red which means he will miss the first leg of the last 16. I didn't think it was a red card but most people seem to disagree. Hopefully, his absence won't have that much of an impact, although the thought of Eboue as a cover for Messi or Ronaldo isn't a very healthy one.

Seriously though, I was terrified of us not making it to the knock-out stages. Mostly, because it would've relegated us to Europa League. And I just couldn't bear the thought of watching Arsenal play on Thursdays.

THURSDAYS? NO, THANK YOU.

That's the kind of perverted shit which I refuse to be a part of.

THAT SAMIR NASRI IS A BIT OF ALRIGHT.

2010-12-05T12:50:00.000-08:00

High-five Bear is pleased with Nasri's progress.

"A touch of an angel" and "Poetry in motion" - those are just some of the expressions used by the commentators to describe Nasri's match winning performance against Fulham, yesterday. And unlike their attempts to pronounce Etuhu, which sounded like a cartoon character sneezing, they got it spot on.

I don't remember exactly just how many chances we had in the opening 15 minutes of the first half but I remember thinking we are going to regret not taking them. And that's when Arshavin's pass found Nasri as he was making his run towards the goal, he stepped inside two defenders who fell for his cunning trickery before smashing a shot which would've broken the net, had it been any more powerful.

What struck me most though, was the amount of space he was getting from the Fulham defense. Their left-back (Briggs, I think) didn't even attempt to chase the ball once he lost it, he just sort of stood there giving Nasri all the time in the world and watching his "poetry in motion" like footwork.

Arsenal continued to dominate, creating and missing (of course) a host of chances and it was inevitable that we were going to pay for it. To be honest, I don't even celebrate when we score the openers anymore because I KNOW we're going to concede sooner or later. And yesterday was no exception, when at the 30 minute mark, Fulham managed to equalize with their first attempt on target.

Once again, our defense was softer than your 75 year old grandpa, who can't afford Viagra. And Alex Song is partially to blame. For the failings of our defense, I mean. If I were you though, I'd blame him for your impotent grandpa as well. I don't know what it is that makes him think he should bombard forward at every opportunity like he's fuckin' Pele but I hope it's not Wenger's encouragement. That West Ham game changed him for the worst. Since he's tasted the glory of a goal scoring hero, he hasn't been the same.

Anyway, our football wasn't particularly creative in the second half and Fulham almost snatched another one when Kamara with only Fabianski to beat, shot straight at him.

The real talking point of the match however, came via Nasri's second. I was watching the game with my Dad (true story) and right after Nasri had scored, he said: "I remember seeing a goal just like that a long time ago, I don't remember who the scorer was, though. Was it Maradonna?"

To me, that pretty much sums it up. I'm not sure about Maradonna but it was definitely Messi-esque. It even made the "Top Ten Plays" on ESPN's Sportcenter. No point describing it, here it is:

Afterwards, Fabianski was forced to make a couple of saves but that goal, it just HAD to be the winner, hadn't it?

Also, it fired us right to the top of the league table, since Man Utd's game was postponed due to the fact the pitch in Blackpool is being temporarily used to host Hockey games. Ha-ha, get it?

What? Making fun of those who can't afford under-soil heating is a noble thing to do.

*gif of the goal is via

EBOUE IN TIGHTS AND LAME PITCH INVADERS.

2010-12-02T12:25:00.000-08:00

I didn't get a chance to see our Carling Cup quarter final against Wigan yesterday, since it wasn't anywhere on TV and I would rather listen to a Ke$ha album than watch it on a stream that freezes every 10 seconds.

I do know that we won 2-0 with an own goal from Antolin Alcaraz and another from Nicklas Bendtner. I also know Eboue wore tights. They were white and ridiculous.

And while this about concludes my review of the actual match, there is something else I want to discuss. The issue which I've been meaning to bring up for awhile.

I am talking about, of course, THE PITCH INVADERS or to be precise, the complete and utter incompetence they've been displaying lately.

There were two of them last night and neither showed any commitment, whatsoever. There was no desire, no spark, no spirit. Not to mention the fact that they were FULLY CLOTHED. Disgraceful.

You wanna be pitch invadin', bro? Better do it right, yo:

You see this awesome, AWESOME pitch invader? That's fuckin' DED-I-CA-TION for you. From the love he's spreading to the timeless artwork. Flawless. FUCK JOSE? FUCK YEAH!

I pray to God this saint didn't get banned for life.

ASTON VILLA 2 - 4 ARSENAL: ASTON VILLA IS A MILF WHO GOES TO THE GYM FIVE TIMES A WEEK.

2010-11-28T06:26:00.000-08:00

After the Braga defeat on Tuesday I said that our footballing "style" at the moment is akin to having an Unresolved Sexual Tension. In a sense that we huff and puff, pass and pass. Create some great chances that we, oh so often, fail to take and have tons of possession which ultimately leads... NOWHERE.

Which is why, it was absolutely crucial for us to resolve that metaphorical tension against Villa. It would've been disastrous not to. We'd start losing our minds. We'd buy an anatomically correct doll on Ebay, call it Bianca and start telling everyone that it's our girlfriend. And so, I would compare yesterday's win to "resolving" it with a MILF, which despite her age goes to the Gym five times a week and you can definitely tell used to be hot. For some reason that's what I imagine Aston Villa would look like if it was a woman. *sigh* I'm so lonely.

The start of the first half was all us. We came out all guns blazing (see what i did there) and it was, rather unexpectedly I should say, Arshavin who was pulling the strings. He was due, I guess. The law of averages and all that. So, it wasn't surprising when he opened the scoring. James Collins and Luke Young went for the same ball and missed it, leaving Arshavin plenty of space to make a run towards the goal and just as the Villa defense started closing down on him, he drilled a low cross shot into the bottom corner. 1-0 to the Arsenal.

For the second, Nasri was the scorer. Arshavin's cleverly taken corner found him on the edge of the penalty box whereas Nasri's deflected shot found the net. There was another great chance for Nasri minutes before his goal, when after a great run he found himself one on one with Friedel but could only hit the side net.

The first half ended and there we were, sitting pretty with a soft and warm two-goal cushion. It's alright, I thought. We're too smart to let the game against Tottenham become anything more than a one-off (this season). So, naturally, when Aston Villa scored, the first thing in my head was: "ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME?"

Now, the goal itself should have been disallowed since Carew was offside and blocking Fabianski. However it doesn't excuse our piss-poor defending. Squillaci's clearance was bad but the indifference of our full backs' was even worse. When Clark got the ball, neither of them even attempted to close him down or at the very least, try and block his shot. They just stood there, observing the inevitable.

Then, Chamakh made it 3-1 and our players decided it was enough hard work for a day and taking a leisurely stroll about the pitch would be preferable. And so they did. And so Clark's header hit the crossbar. And so it went in. Aston Villa 2. Arsenal 3.

Oh well, I thought. At least they're not Spurs (they don't deserve to be in bold).

I waited for the equalizer which I was convinced was coming and even after Jack Wilshere headed in our fourth, the scent of another Villa goal was...uh, in the air?

I did however, enjoy seeing an Arsenal fan invading the pitch with his pants falling down and jumping on top the Wilshere-Gibbs-Rosicky man pile (top pic).

Terrible defensive display, once again, but I guess, a win is a win.

We were top of the league for almost TWO hours. Yes, we were.

The End.