MiscarriageHelp.com

I Never Held You- A Book About Miscarriage, Grief, Healing, Recovery

Ellen DuBois — Sun, 23 Oct 2022 09:23:05 -0500

I Never Held You is a supportive book about miscarriage, grief, healing and recovery. It is helpful for those who have just suffered a miscarriage, or for women who lost their babies years ago when there was little, if any, support. Join author Ellen DuBois as she shares her journey- from the initial shock of learning her baby had passed away to reaching a place of healing and accepting her new normal. She never forgot her unborn baby and he continues to touch her life in countless ways. Dr. Linda Backman contributed the foreword and several chapters as both a licensed grief counselor and a woman who survived the loss of her son Adam, born at 26 weeks who lived for about an hour. Her heartbreaking loss is what led her to become a grief counselor and more. Also included in this book are four touching stories from women who miscarried. The second half of the book focuses on things the author found helpful in healing. She says: "Take what works for you, leave what doesn't, and remember to take one day at a time. There is no time frame on grief. Your loss matters, and so do you."- Ellen M. DuBois

Losing It all In One Day

Ellen DuBois — Wed, 17 Aug 2022 10:21:01 -0500

Dear Ellen,

On Friday morning I woke up with pain in my abdomen and had been spotting since Wednesday. After a few hours of agony my partner took me to the doctor. I told them we'd been trying to get pregnant for a while and hadn't menstruated for about 2 months. She got me to do a urine sample which showed I was pregnant but told me that I was most likely miscarrying or had an ectopic pregnancy. She told me go to hospital and have a scan, which I did. While having the scan I get told I'm most likely miscarrying at the time. I'll never forget the feeling of having something so special and losing it all in one day.

Ellen says:

Dear Nicole,

I am so sorry for your loss. The pain you've been through both emotionally and physically is difficult to deal with. I know the feeling you're talking about...the one where you're losing something so special in just one day. It's like your whole life gets turned upsidedown in a single, horrible instant.

Grieving after miscarriage, or any loss, is never easy. I want you to know you have every right to grieve and we are all here for you. Your loss is as real as any other, and I know you loved your baby very much. Please go easy on yourself and give yourself the time you need to heal. It's different for all of us. The key is allowing yourself to be who you are, feel what you do, and let it out.

I pray there are supportive people around you. Many times we feel so alone after losing our babies to miscarriage because after a short period of time, people tend to have a 'get on with it' attitude. If you experience this, please try to tell yourself your feelings are real, you have every right to grieve, and anyone who says such a thing simply does not understand your loss.

Please come back if you ever feel the need to vent, share, whatever, with those who can relate to you, and offer their support with all their hearts.

Blessings, Light and Healing to you,

Ellen

#miscarriage #babyloss #pregnancyandinfantloss #thejourney #healing #healingquotes #pailrd #rememberingourbabies #youarenotalone #PregnancyLossandInfantLossAwareness #infantloss #pregnancyloss #creatingawareness #yourlossmatters #ineverheldyou #miscarriagesupport #babylosssupport #helpingeachother #womenhelpingwomen #pregnancy #women #grief #angels #comfort #ineverheldyou

About me: My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Jackie's Heart. Since 2006 I've been hosting MiscarriageHelp.com, a support site for women and their families who have miscarried.

I'm published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (a Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns.

I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond. Music is another passion of mine and I'm blessed to share the gift of music. I'm also a shudder bug like my mother was. I love taking pictures.

"Just assumed we would be pregnant and everthing would go smoothly."

Ellen DuBois — Fri, 12 Aug 2022 09:37:04 -0500

Dear Ellen,

This website and "I Never Held You" have been a great help through the healing process. My husband and I have been married for five years and wanted to expand our family. We just assumed we would be pregnant and everthing would go smoothly. However, after four pregnancies and no babies we were sadly mistaken. We did not take time to grieve. Why? Every doctor that treated us during our miscarriages made us feel like it wasn't a big deal and it happens all the time. Just wipe away the tears and get over it, basically. After I had a panic attack and cried all the time, we decided to do some research on the web. We bought the book, which my hubby and I both read. And realized this is a big deal, our babies died and we have the right to mourn those losses. It's been almost a year since our last loss. Even though we still think how old our babies would be now and then, we're in a better place Thank you Ellen.

Ellen says:

Dear Leah,

I am so sorry for your losses, and the emotional ride of disappointment and hurt you and your husband have been through.

It does my heart good to know that I Never Held You and MiscarriageHelp.com have proven to be of some help. Sadly, neither the book nor this site would exist had I not lost my own baby.

In a way, this site in honor of ALL our babies lost to miscarriage. Something positive had to come from all our tears. An awareness that the babies we lost were JUST AS REAL as the miscarriages we suffered is starting to take hold.

To be basically 'blown off' by your own doctor after your miscarriages is terrible. "Just wipe away the tears and get over it, basically."

Yes, you have the right to mourn your losses- and should. Without grief, how do you truly heal? I know you and your husband will NEVER forget your precious little ones, but healing doesn't mean forgetting. It's a process, as you are painfully aware. I suspect you'll always think about things like how old your babies would be, etc.

I still do, and my son would be almost eighteen years old.

Oh, and boy can I relate to your panic attacks. Actually, you may have read about my experiences with them in my book. Scary. So scary. Miscarriage is very traumatic and the more doctors are aware of this, the more they may see miscarriage as a catalyst for anxiety, depression and the like. When this happens, more women and their families will be helped.

Thank God there are some very compassionate doctors out there.

I pray for your dreams of a family to come true, Leah. How you reach that goal is to be seen- there are various roads to examine. But, I wish nothing but the best for you and your husband, and will always keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Thank you for letting me know where you are on your healing journey. Knowing you are both in a 'better place', (I know it's still tough), inspires me, and will probably inspire others here.

Blessings to you,

Ellen

About me: My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

Miscarriage: I can't stop thinking why me? Why again?

Ellen DuBois — Tue, 19 Jul 2022 09:37:19 -0500

Dear Ellen,

I came across your site and wanted to vent a little. I've just had a second miscarriage and between being at home, my husband going through a job change after a layoff, this baby was a bright spot in our lives. We've already suffered one loss that put me in such bad depression. I didn't know how to move on but did my best. About a year and half later, I was pregnant.

I can't stop thinking why me? Why again?

I don't really need to go into details but after I miscarried, I felt numb. That didn't last very long because the sadness came and it's stayed. I miscarried in May of this year. I was about 10 weeks. I didn't tell many people because I was afraid and figured I'd wait until I passed the first trimester.

Never happened and here I am. I just don't know how to deal with this and thanks for having a place for me let some this out.

I ordered your book, too. A friend of mine from work suggested it.

Thanks for listening,

Jessica

Dear Jessica,

I'm so sorry for your losses. I know your emotions are strong and right now the pain is so raw. I felt a lot like you- numb at first and then I was crying all the time. I'd be fine one minute and the next I'd have tears running down my face. Or, I was trying to hold them back because I was in a situation where bursting into tears wouldn't have been good, (like at work). While I'm not a doctor, I'm a woman who has lived what you're going through and I can say I really get where you're coming from.

There's not a lot that helps us through grief. It's one of those very painful things we have to feel and wade through. Everyone is different and there's no time frame on grief. Along with those layers of emotion are questions like: Why me? Why again? How do I get through this? Am I losing it? (And many more.)

Although there was nothing to save me from having to feel the pain and get through the grief, I did find some things helped. The first is exactly what you did here: write what you're feeling. I vented whenever I could. Online support wasn't around when I miscarried. But, then it appeared. I found support groups. They were brand new and I explored. I wrote to myself just to get my feelings out. It helped because I released so many pent up feelings that felt like they were eating me up.

My family and friends were super supportive. But, nobody can walk your road and nobody I knew had miscarried. So, I looked for books that dealt with miscarriage to feel less alone. Back then, I couldn't find any. Eventually, more of them were written and I'm glad to have been a part of that. Women feel far too alone after they miscarry - even today.

Faith played a big part in my healing. However, I was all over the place in my twenties. My faith and healing grew over time. But, I know my personal belief in God, Heaven, a plan, (one I didn't really like), and feeling the spirit of the baby I lost around me helped a great deal.

My biggest wish is for you to take the time you need to feel and heal. I know you won't forget your babies, nor would ever expect you to. I never forgot mine. Taking care of yourself and allowing whatever you're feeling to come out- crying, writing, taking a walk, clearing your head, taking to someone, praying, meditating. All of these things and whatever feels right to you help to balance out the scales. Grief is no easy thing and you're allowed to grieve.

I say that because so many women are made to feel their grief isn't as real as with other losses. I fully disagree. Your grief is very real and you need time.

I'm always here if you want to vent again. I'll be thinking of you and sending love and prayers your way.

Love and Light,

Ellen

About me: My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

Miscarriage: I'm having a difficult time moving forward.

Ellen DuBois — Thu, 7 Apr 2022 14:47:57 -0500

Dear Ellen,

It will be four years this July since I miscarried. It was one of the worst days of my life. I was alone and scared. I made a call to my doctor's office when I saw blood on the toilet paper while at a family cookout.

My husband was away on business. I didn't even have the chance to tell him we lost the baby right away because his cell phone wasn't working.

I got home that night after leaving him countless messages to please call me. My sister stayed with me through it all.

There are lots of details I'm leaving out, but the bottom line is I'm having such a difficult time moving forward from this. Some days it feels like it just happened. I can barely breathe. I know it's been four years, but the pain is there every single day and I feel like it's eating me up. My husband and I talk about it but honestly, I don't feel it does any good. I'm glad we can talk, but do I feel better? No. I think it's because it doesn't change anything. Nothing will bring my baby back and we've had a very difficult time getting pregnant again.

I'm rambling, lost, found your site and felt like spilling here. Thanks for taking the time to listen.

Dianne

Hello. This is Ellen, host of this site. I've shared this email from Dianne after she told me it was fine to do so. I'll get back with a response and post it. I wanted to share it now so any of you who are feeling the same way realize you are not alone. I remember what it was like four years after my miscarriage. There were times the wound felt so raw. Sending you all love and light and I'm so sorry for your loss. Ellen #miscarriage #babyloss #pregnancyandinfantloss #thejourney #healing #healingquotes #pailrd #rememberingourbabies #youarenotalone #PregnancyLossandInfantLossAwareness #infantloss #pregnancyloss #creatingawareness #yourlossmatters #ineverheldyou #miscarriagesupport #babylosssupport #helpingeachother #womenhelpingwomen #pregnancy #women #grief #angels #comfort #ineverheldyou

About me: My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

Miscarriage Book Offers Support

Ellen DuBois — Mon, 28 Mar 2022 08:21:54 -0500

I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery Linda R. Backman Ed.D Author I Never Held You is a supportive book about miscarriage, grief, healing and recovery. It is helpful for those who have just suffered a miscarriage, or for women who lost their babies years ago when there was little, if any, support. Join author Ellen DuBois as she shares her journey- from the initial shock of learning her baby had passed away to reaching a place of healing and accepting her new normal. She never forgot her unborn baby and he continues to touch her life in countless ways. Dr. Linda Backman contributed the foreword and several chapters as both a licensed grief counselor and a woman who survived the loss of her son Adam, born at 26 weeks who lived for about an hour. Her heartbreaking loss is what led her to become a grief counselor and more. Also included in this book are four touching stories from women who miscarried. The second half of the book focuses on things the author found helpful in healing. She says: Take what works for you, leave what doesn't, and remember to take one day at a time. There is no time frame on grief. Your loss matters, and so do you.- Ellen M. DuBois

I Never Held You is available at Barnes & Noble and Amazon.com

About me: My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

To The Baby I Miscarried: My Love Is With You Always

Ellen DuBois — Wed, 23 Mar 2022 08:37:02 -0500

Sometimes my own miscarriage seems like a lifetime ago. Other times the pain is so raw. I think that's the nature of loss - of grief. Something triggers a memory, a feeling, and it all comes rushing back.

I miscarried 30 years ago. It's hard to imagine it's been that long, but it has. Three decades of living and all that goes with life. I've laughed, cried, survived the loss of my mother and more. Like all of us, life is full of ups and downs. It's the light and darkness we all experience that make up our journey.

But, I get what it's like to wonder, even after three decades, how life would have been if my much loved baby had survived. My stomach flips when I think about him - even as I'm typing these words. I believe it's the love that connects us and always will. My soul knows my baby is on the other side and we are joined by a Divine thread that bridges Heaven and earth.

As I have lived, my soul has grown. I see life as a spiritual journey with so many lessons to be learned along the way. And, while I have grown through the mere act of living, missing the child I carried in my womb for about four months has remained constant.

To those of you who think about the precious baby you lost years, even decades ago, I want you to know you're not alone. I don't believe it's "crazy' or something you should "forget" or "get over". These catch phrases hurt and have no place in the life of any of us. They serve no purpose. Just be yourself and feel what you do. To me, it's part of the journey and remembering, the very definition of love.

About me: My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

#Repost To The Woman Who #Miscarried A Long Time Ago

Ellen DuBois — Mon, 14 Mar 2022 08:16:15 -0500

I am so sorry for your loss. Some of you may not have heard those words. Years ago they didn't talk about miscarriage...it was kind of swept under the rug and life, your life, was expected to go on as normal. I know that's the furthest thing from the truth. I know because I lived it and I still think about the baby I loved and lost. I still miss him and he'd be an adult now. All grown up. Maybe he'd have his own family.

Perhaps you, like me, have spent years, actually a couple of decades, wondering what your baby would have been like. I've missed all those first moments with him and feel somewhat cheated of a life with him. Not all the time. The wound isn't as raw as it used to be. However, there are times I wish I lived the other life, the one where I watched my baby grow up. It will always sadden me that I didn't see those first steps, that first tooth growing in, hear his first word, see the first beautiful smile. All of it.

I used to be somewhat reluctant to say these things because I thought it best I didn't. I didn't want people to think I was "brooding" or stuck in the past. Then I realized these were my feelings and I had every right to feel them. My loss, my grief, my way of feeling. Holding it in doesn't do any good. I'm being real, true to myself and to you. This is what's in my heart.

I'm not saying I'm unhappy with my life today. That's not it. I count my blessings and know for whatever reason, this was the path my life was supposed to take. I am where I'm supposed to be at this moment.

That doesn't mean I don't sometimes wander into the world of "what could have been." After all, I didn't lose a car. I lost a baby. My life was proundly changed and I'd be willing to bet yours was, too.

So, if you have missed your baby for years and sometimes drift into the world of "what ifs and could have beens", you aren't alone. I get it and we can take comfort in knowing we have walked this path together for quite some time.

Wishing you health, love and light.

About me: My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

Miscarriage: "I feel like I've gone through hell!"

Ellen DuBois — Wed, 2 Feb 2022 10:02:25 -0600

Hi Ellen,

I just found your site and realized by reading the comments that what I am going through is probably normal. I was worried that I was going through a breakdown, not sure why, but reading the comments in your site made me realize what was wrong. I am 44 years old and didn't get married until I was 42. After fertility treatments, I got pregnant last November and miscarried 8 weeks later. We had heard the heartbeat and then went the next week and there was no heartbeat. It was devastating, but after two rounds of IVF i got pregnant again this past August and the miscarried after 9 weeks. This time, everything started out fine but then something went wrong and it was 9 long weeks of waiting until i miscarried. I felt like I have had been through hell!! It seems like no one knows what to say to me and it seems like people don't undertand the devastating affects of miscarriages. My baby would have been born on March 21 and I think this is why I am going through a lot of depression and anxiety right now. Too make matters worse, since I am 44, not sure how I want to proceed either with donor egg or adoption. I feel stuck and like I am losing my mind. I don't understand why people are more sympathetic to people who go through breakups, then people who have miscarriages. I feel for both. Anyway, it was nice to see your site and read others who feel the same way. Thank you for all of us!!

Dear B,

I am so sorry for your losses and can relate to your feelings on many levels.

You brought about a very good point and I agree with it: people treat those who have had break-ups with more compassion and understanding than those who have miscarried. I, too, feel for both...

Why is it this way?

I think it's because a break-up is so obviously sad. There's usually someone on the other side to blame, try to figure out, feel sad over losing, etc. Friends can talk to each other about breakups, visualizing the other person. They're here- walking the face of the earth.

On the other hand, when we lose our babies to miscarriage, there's no physical memory of the baby. This is very sad because there IS so much love tied to the baby. But, many people can't wrap their brains around it. They often don't know what to say because there wasn't a baby held, seen. Oh, but you and I know there was a baby loved.

Many feel talking about a breakup, loss of a job, loss of a parent or other loved one, to be somewhat easier because although there is pain involved, they've got something or someone 'tangible' to talk about.

What of our babies? Were they not real? Were they not loved? Didn't we have wishes, hopes, plans and dreams for our babies? Were they not within us, warm in our womb?

To anyone who's lived through miscarriage- they get your pain. I get your pain. I know that ache and the emptiness you feel. You are healing two losses and the possiblity that you'll not get pregnant again. You may also be afraid of pregnancy because of facing another miscarriage.

I'm the same age as you. I miscarried once a long time ago. I've always wanted to adopt - and that's me. It's a very personal choice. I could try to get pregnant, but I have the same fears you do. It's confusing. What gets me through is faith that the right thing will happen at the right time and I will someday, (hopefully sooner than later), be called "Mommy". My wish is the same for you, no matter what path you decided to take. You will know it in your heart. You will feel it in your soul. You will live it- with faith in whatever name you give a power greater than yourself. I happen to call that power God.

So now the healing begins, or in your case has been an ongoing experience. You certainly are not alone in the way you feel and I am glad you found this site. Of course I wish you never had to, but when you feel like you're losing, and boy I did for a long time, it's comforting to find others who feel the same. None of us wanted to live through such a painful experience as miscarriage. It cuts so deep. But, we do find comfort through each other. Our sadly common experience joins us in a way- a spiritual way, if you will. It's like a light switch went on and we finally can say, "Somebody gets it. Someone gets me and I'm not going nuts for feeling like I do. There are others who feel like they're flipping out, having anxiety attacks, crying at the drop of a hat. I am not....alone."

You are not alone. None of us are, but until we know that, miscarriage and the aftermath can leave us feeling like we're standing on an island of one.

Please know we're all with you on that island and together we heal, grow, learn, cope, and yes, find ourselves with feet planted firmly on the ground again.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Please keep the faith and when you feel like you're running low, I'm always here.

Love, Light and Healing,

Ellen

About me: My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

Pregnant Again and Afraid After Miscarriage

Ellen DuBois — Mon, 20 Dec 2021 10:53:22 -0600

Hi, I've prevoiulsly shared my pain about my miscarriage with you, I am currently 6 weeks pregnant. And i am so SCARED. I was totally unprepared for the rawness of my grief for my Angel baby when i found out i was pregnant again. I am painfully aware that instead of being 37 weeks pregnant i am 6weeks. I want to enjoy this pregnancy but i just dont think i can.

Dear K,

I am so sorry for your loss, and I truly understand your fears. You're still grieving the loss of one life while wanting to celebrate another. Yet, after walking the painful road after miscarriage, of course you're afraid of it happening again.

So, how do you enjoy this pregnancy like you want to, and deserve to? I've never been in your position because I wasn't pregnant again. I get what you're saying and why and I know many women have been in your situation and have had the same feelings.

Our thoughts are so powerful and you can tell by the amount of fear you have right now. To be pregnant while still grieving the loss of your other baby would set off all kinds of fear triggers with me. So, I gently suggest you try to balance the scales out a bit so you can enjoy this pregnancy as much as possible.

An example of this would be my parents. When my mother was seven months pregnant with me, my brother passed away. He was around 18 months. I know both parents were walking on eggshells for the duration of my mother's pregnancy with me. How could they not? They just buried their son in February and I was due in May.

Fear...it can grab hold of us and rob us of our joy if we allow it to take control of our thoughts. But, how do we stop it? We're human and feel. When terrible things happen, they leave an imprint upon us.

My parents gave birth to me while grieving the loss of David, my brother. They were so relieved to hear the word "healthy" when I was born. They didn't hear that word when David was born, just like you sadly found out your precious baby had passed over while pregnant before.

Yes, you are still healing from you miscarriage and it's a hard road. There's no minimizing that. Each life, each baby is so loved and cherished. What I gently suggest is focusing, as best you can, on the now. Don't push yourself, but when you feel excited about this pregnancy, allow yourself to do so. When you're afraid, allow yourself to grieve. I think what helps is allowing yourself to feel both ends of the spectrum. The joy of being pregnant again fills you with anticipation of the new life you will bring into this world. The pain of your miscarriage fills you with fear that it may not happen.

You're in a joyful place and a difficult one at the same time. That's very hard to "wrap your brain around."

There are comments on this site about women who have miscarried and become pregnant shortly afterwards. If you have the time, please read through them and know you are not alone in your fears.

Sometimes we become afraid of being happy after we've been hurt because we're afraid it'll be taken away from us and we don't want to live through the same pain and disappointment again. The trouble with this is that we prevent, (I'm talking about so many of us), ourselves from enjoying the happiness that is right there in front of us. Our fears, (thoughts), of what did happen and might happen again hold us back.

While the loss of your baby to miscarriage will never be forgotten or dismissmed, the baby you are carrying now is also loved very much by you. I gently suggest you try to focus on the happy outcome you want and try to visualize it happening. I think doing this will help you experience some joy right now- the joy you deserve and need.

If you find yourself unable to do this, maybe you could talk about it with your doctor. Perhaps some reassurance will help relieve some of your fear. I also ask that anyone reading this who has lived what Katherine has to please share your experience with her. Knowing there are people who truly know the road we're walking helps us to feel less alone, less afraid, and more hopeful.

So many things we think are in our control simply aren't. Often, we learn this through painful experiences- like your miscarriage. Again, I am so sorry. On the flip side, we often learn how much isn't in our control when joyful things happen- like your pregnancy right now. All we can do is have faith, take life one moment at a time, and do our best.

Your best is good enough- you are good enough- and I pray you'll have a beautiful experience with this pregnancy and deliver a healthy, happy baby.

I often listen to audio books or meditational CD's because they calm me in so many ways: mentally, physically and spiritually. They renew my mind, help my thinking, and give me new perspectives that I may have been too blinded by pain, confusion or grief to see. If you'd like to know what's helped me, just drop me a line & I'd be happy to share some books & CD's that have really made a difference. Even some inspirational movies.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Love, Light and Comfort to you,

Ellen

About me: My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

Comment About Miscarriage. Do You Relate?

Ellen DuBois — Sun, 19 Dec 2021 07:58:48 -0600

A comment from a reader in the past. I wanted to share it because I think many of us relate to her feelings:

B Says:

Saturday I bought a baby book.

By Monday (Sept. 8th) my baby was gone at 3 and 1/2 months along.

I had the D and C on Tuesday.

Waking up from it I cried and repeatedly said 'my baby's gone."

Feeling numb,shocked,lonely,empty,misunderstood, confused.

All the questions:

When does this get better?

When, IF,I get pregnant again,how on earth will I be able to hold that new baby, without remembering this one?

How bad will it hurt emotionally?

What if I miscarry again??

Was my baby a boy or girl?

What was wrong?

I know that God is rejoicing that a new angel has come home. But it doesn't take away the pain of missing that angel here on earth.

Ellen says:

Dear B,

I am so sorry for your loss, and you're right...even though we believe our baby is in Heaven with God, it doesn't take away from our pain. We are left here on earth feeling terribly empty and often alone.

Sadly, I can't take away your pain, but certainly understand and feel it. I know how it reaches right into your core and seems to consume every waking moment.

Grieving the loss of your baby after miscarriage is a very difficult journey, as you know. The one thing I can do for you is BE here. I am here to listen, to share my thoughts with you, and to try and offer some sort of comfort-even if it's just hearing you and validating your grief.

The questions you ask are ones I asked myself. All the why's, what ifs and so on go through your mind like a CD that keeps repeating. In many ways, the answers remain a mystery...it's the healing and coping we can work on-day by day, step by step.

Fear of pregnancy after a miscarriage is something that, to me, is perfectly valid. Not that it makes things any easier, but you are not alone in the plight. Many women fear pregnancy again because who'd want to live through the pain of miscarriage again?

That's where healing comes into play. You really need to give yourself the time and space you need to FEEL what you must. It's no easy task and often you'll find yourself in tears. However, I believe your tears make room for something better to come along in your life. In order to heal, we have to feel. Coming here and putting your emotions out there was a big step in your healing. You've shared a part of you that hurt to share, and we all 'get it' and support you.

While there may never be a 'concrete' answer to whether or not your baby was a boy or girl, I gently suggest you go with your gut instinct if you feel the need to know. Trust your feelings on this one and if you want to name your baby, please do so. Sometimes, holding a memorial service, (I had one for my son this year-seventeen years after I miscarried), and it brought me closure I never had. I set a balloon with a 'kiss mark' from my lipstick on it into the air and watched as it soared into the sky. I felt connected to my baby and knew we'd always share in the connection of our spirits-or love.

While I can't say how long it will take you to heal, I can say you will. You won't forget, nor are you expected to. If you have supportive people around you, please don't hesitate to accept their help and support if you find it brings you comfort. You deserve to be comforted-just as you would while grieving any loss.

For so long people have 'swept miscarriage and its fallout' under the rug, and that is changing. We are real people who have suffered a real loss and it left us feeling like the rug had been ripped out from under our feet. Awareness to your loss, the losses of all those here and all over the world, needs to be recognized for what it really is-the loss of a baby never held, but always loved.

I found that prayer, tapping into my spirituality, exercising, guided meditations on CD's, talking it out, finding something creative to do, etc., helped me with my pain. It balanced out the scales so that there was some positive energy in my life. I didn't do most of these things right away because I felt so lost. But, over time, I took on more things and dove into the healing process-feeling completely blindfolded because there wasn't much out there in terms of support after miscarriage.

Know that you are always welcome here and can 'vent' anytime. You are heard. Your feelings matter, and again, I am SO sorry for your loss.

Love, Light and Healing to you,

Ellen

About me: My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

Still find it hard to believe and come to terms that I will not see my baby.

Ellen DuBois — Fri, 19 Nov 2021 12:41:05 -0600

Dear Ellen,

I have come back to leave you another note. I read your post today, when I was feeling alone and felt like no-one really understands me and how I feel about losing my child. I know you do - I wish you and others here had not experience the pain of losing a child to miscarriage.

I wish I could say that I was feeling better, but in actual fact I feel like the loss and pain is getting worse. It seems that as the date of my expected delivery draws closer, I am feeling the loss of Addey all the more. I also had recent surgery to remove a Teratoma from my ovary, which made me think of Addey all the more and the loss I was feeling. He was meant to be there growing - I am not meant to be nursing a painful stomach - I am meant to be carrying a child, my child, my boy. He was a boy as we found out that he had too many Y chromosomes. Some people have said there should be some comfort in knowing that he was not perfect and not meant to be - I have not experienced any comfort knowing this.

I still find it hard to believe and come to terms that I will not see my baby. He will not be born in 14 weeks. I will not get to hold him, kiss him, love him.

My heart is being ripped apart here and I want it to go away. I had been seeing a psychologist prior to my miscarriage about an unrelated matter. I have tried to talk about it - but nothing I say seems adequate enough to convey the pain I feel. If I was to walk in his room collapse on the floor with tears in my eyes then he would see how I feel. I feel nothing I say can convey how I truly feel.

I have been having a few bad days and wanted to write it out.

Thanks Ellen for this site, and for sharing your own experience with us. It does help to know we are not alone.

Dear E,

I am so sorry. You're going through a very bumpy time right now, and I know it feel like your heart's been torn up. Your emotions must be all over the place, and I realize your recent surgery brought up even more feelings about your precious Addey. (When I went to my niece's ultrasound many years after I miscarried, I was full of fear. The last ultrasound I'd been to was my own, and you know how that turned out. I went, and was happy I did because I made it through and now have memories of a beautiful baby who was healthy, and I was very happy for my niece.)

As what would have been your due date approaches, I understand the pain of losing your baby is magnified. Mine was around this time of year, still is, (even after all these years), and I truly get how you're feeling. My son Alex would have been celebrating his eighteenth birthday right around now- a Thanksgiving baby.

Grief is a very difficult thing to 'wrap your brain around'. On top of grieving, you're feeling all the dreams you had for your son come crashing down around you- all over again. Actually, it never stopped. Grief is a path in life none of us want to walk. When you're feeling isolated, it can be worse.

The pain you're living will subside and I'm acutely aware this sounds so distant, if not impossible, right now. Also, it doesn't take away from the day to day experiences you're having which are making you so sad. However, there is hope and when you're ready, the hope inside of you will come to the surface. It will give you the strength you need. Right now it sounds like a time of feeling- and nobody wants to feel the depth of pain you're experiencing. My heart goes out to you. I know what it's like to wake up and wish I were living a dream- somebody else's life. Then, you realize it's your life and all the emotions rise to the surface. When that happens, they come out in the form of tears.

You're walking a road to healing, even if it doesn't feel like it. It's the part that cuts to your core and causes those tears to fall. Tears I wish I could help wipe away, but they fall because you have to let them out. Missing your baby, your pregnancy, the world you envisioned with your child, is certainly cause for your tears.

Perhaps the psychologist you've been talking to about another matter needs to know exactly what you're living right now in order to be a better listener. Your grief mustn't be dismissed. When that happens, you end up feeling more alone and often worse. If you are able to express everything to your psychologist, you may feel better by having your grief acknowledged and just being HEARD. Maybe you'll be gently guided, too. Nobody can give you the answers or take away your pain, but people can help you as you heal. That's what I try to do and I'm just 'me'.

In being 'just me', I understand you and I think all of us who have live through miscarriage, and sadly many have lived through more than one, DO understand you and we all don't have degrees on our wall. Our 'degree' consists of life experience- and that goes a long way in terms of support.

You're approaching your baby's due date and the holidays are upon us. You've just had surgery and that's another trauma to your mind, body and spirit. For now, would you feel comfortable placing the focus of your visits to your doctor on your miscarriage, your grief and everything you're living? I think an unbiased listener like your doctor could help hold your hand as you traverse this rocky road. Please try to open up a bit more to him- if you're comfortable with it. I've cried many tears in front of a psychologist- and you know what? That's what conveyed my level of pain. That's what brought out the raw, gut wrenching emotions I was carrying around. I wasn't even seeing her about my miscarriage- it was about my divorce. But, my miscarriage came to the surface of my mind and I couldn't stand the pain I was in.

So...I talked to her. She listened. It helped.

I'm here, listening and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Please come back and let me know how you're doing. If you need to print out your writings here and bring them to your doctor, please, do it. Sometimes, we experience a loss for words when the moment to talk arrives. That's because it's such an emotional topic and time for you. Just a suggestion....You'll know what feels right to you.

Love, Light and much Healing to you.

Ellen

About me: My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

Miscarriage Help: A Personal Update

Ellen DuBois — Tue, 26 Oct 2021 13:25:40 -0500

Hello Everyone,

I know I've been neglecting this site and want to apologize. Never do I stop thinking about the pain you've all gone through. Even if it's not at the top of my mind, it's there and you're in my prayers.

If you've lived through miscarriage, stillbirth, baby loss of any kind, you know how your world gets turned on its side. I feel for you and your pain. I lived it many years ago and that's the whole reason this site, my book, all of it, began. I needed a way to cope and over time I began reaching out to others in hopes of starting a sort of bond between us. A community of women and their families who'd lived through the pain of miscarriage/baby loss and helped each other- because they understood each other.

That desire to reach out hasn't gone away, although to some it may seem like I've fallen of the face of the earth. My posts haven't been as frequent and I feel bad about that. I always felt good about keeping up with them...staying connected to you.

Covid has changed all our lives in so many ways. Some of you know I'm a private piano teacher. Most of my students are children. During the pandemic, I tried to keep a closed studio open for over a year and a half and I did it. I kept the rent up on a space I couldn't use because I had great hopes of returning. In the meantime, I trained myself to become an online teacher in order to keep my business going. There were some glitches to work out and still are, but it's going well.

At various times I think we've all felt like we've rounded some sort of corner with this terrible virus - only to have that corner disappear or change. We've been dealing with such an unknown. But, there's HOPE and I do see some sort of light at the end of the tunnel. I also want you to know that I pray for every, single person who has lost someone to Covid, has suffered with having the virus and has been impacted in any way. I guess that's the whole world.

At the beginning of this year, my fiance had surgery and pulled through. Then things took a turn. I don't want to say much more because I respect his privacy. It's his story, not mine. Thanks to God he's a strong man! He's been blessed with healing and a determination unlike anything I've seen in anyone. We've been together almost 27 years and experienced many ups and downs. We've built a life together.

It became clear to me that it made no sense to keep paying rent on a studio I wouldn't be able to use for the unforeseeable future, so I made the painful decision to give up my physical location and become a full time, virtual piano teacher. I was blessed to have worked with an amazing voice teacher who made my location her own music school. New name and all. She's got an in-person teaching business and I've got my virtual one. My pianos got loving homes with her and I know she'll be successful. I am blessed in that I get to do what I love from home and be here where I am needed. I guess I've made, (or at least I'm trying!) to make lemonade out of lemons.

The dust has settled as we've settled into what's our "new normal". That changes every day because life and healing change every day. I'm finding my groove again and that includes reaching to you and letting you know I CARE. I want you to know you're not alone and I get what you're going through if you've miscarried. I know the grief, emptiness, pain, anger, self blame, anguish - all of it. I know my faith carried me through some of the darkest days of my life and continues to do so. My faith in God also brings such joy, strength and comfort to my life, and I want to share that with you, too, regardless of what your personal beliefs are. I respect you and your beliefs.

Our common thread is that we are women who have lived through miscarriage and other struggles and have survived. Although nothing takes away from the pain of losing a precious baby and all the questions that go along with it, we have each other to lean on. I want you to know I'm still here to listen and care so deeply about you. I recognize your pain, know it's real and send you my love and prayers.

Thank you for listening to me and I'm here to do the same. If you ever want to share your feelings here, feel free. Just comment on this blog and if you want, I'll post your comment so others can respond and reach out. That's support. That's the kind of connection I feel we need. The kind of awareness the world needs to miscarriage and the fallout your left living with.

Love and Light to each one of you,

Ellen

#miscarriage #babyloss #october #pregnancyandinfantloss #thejourney #theroad #healing #healingquotes #pailrd #rememberingourbabies #PregnancyLossandInfantLossAwareness #infantloss #pregnancyloss #creatingawareness #yourlossmatters #ineverheldyou #miscarriagesupport #babylosssupport #helpingeachother #womenhelpingwomen #pregnancy #women #grief #angels #comfort #ineverheldyou

About me: My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

Wave of Light, October 15th, 2021

Ellen DuBois — Fri, 15 Oct 2021 08:01:52 -0500

Thinking of my sweet baby in Heaven and all of you and yours. May the wings of angels wrap you in loving comfort today and always. #waveoflight #waveoflight2021 #miscarriage #babyloss #october #pregnancyandinfantloss #thejourney #theroad #healing #healingquotes #pailrd #rememberingourbabies #PregnancyLossandInfantLossAwareness #infantloss #pregnancyloss #creatingawareness #yourlossmatters #ineverheldyou #miscarriagesupport #babylosssupport #helpingeachother #womenhelpingwomen #pregnancy #women #grief #angels #comfort #lightingmycandle

About me: My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

2 Samuel 22:29 The Lamp That Shines

Ellen DuBois — Tue, 5 Oct 2021 08:38:01 -0500

This post is from my author site. I wanted to share it here because I think some of you may find comfort from it.)

2 Samuel 22:29 The Lamp That Shines

(Photo: A Hint Of Fall, Ellen M. DuBois)

Much like myself, my blog is changing. Every day brings with it new things, challenges, blessings. The seasons change, what we learn about Covid changes, what we learn about ourselves changes, too.

The picture above was taken on Monday, October 4th, in the morning. There are days I just grab my camera to see what I can find. Maybe I'll spot a beautiful or cute animal in the back yard. Maybe I'll spot a cardinal at the feeder. Perhaps I'll finally get a picture of the owl that's proven to be so elusive.

Regardless, I always find something in nature that captures my eye, even if it's not what I'm hoping to find.

That's change and life is full of it. There are times when the changes scare me and I don't know what to do with all the emotional "junk" inside of me. It's fear, really. Sometimes I call it anxiety or overload, but the root is fear and the remedy is God.

As I bounce all around in this post, I'm still very compelled to keep writing and press on. This morning I read this quote from scripture: "Indeed you are my lamp, O Lord, the Lord lightens my darkness."- 2 Samuel 22:29

Prior to reading it, I was asking God to remind me throughout the day that Jesus is always present. No matter what happens, I asked to be reminded that He's with me and I'm not alone. Jesus is the light to my darkness and if I can remember that, I'll fare much better. I have felt the strength God gives me in the darkest of times and I know it's not a "one and done" occurrence.

The lamp is always there to light the way. When my mind takes over, (or my ego), I just need to remember to ask Jesus to shine that lamp and everything will be okay. Fear will be relinquished. Anxiety will dissipate. Feeling like I'm alone will revert back to being an illusion. I'm not alone and neither is anyone else.

Circling back, I took the picture in this post on Monday and had no idea it would turn out as beautiful as it did. The leaves look like the tips have been dipped in God's magnificent shade of red. There is a hint of fall beginning to take place on a Divine canvas. I find great joy in that and it serves as a reminder that God's light comes through is many places. Trees, flowers, colors, sunrises, twilight, in ourselves and in each other.

May you be reminded by whatever speaks to your soul that you are never alone and the lamp is yours for the taking. All you have to do is ask.

About me: My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

#Repost Hopes, Plans, Wishes and Dreams #miscarriage #miscarriagesupport

Ellen DuBois — Mon, 16 Aug 2021 08:38:55 -0500

Those didn't go away when you did...

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com

My book, I Never Held You, is mentioned in this column. More importantly, it addresses how difficult anniversary dates can be:

Ask Amy: Anniversary of #miscarriage brings on grief #miscarriageadvice #miscarriagesupport #miscarriagebook Click here to read.

I Still Remember: Miscarriage Over 25 Years Later #repost

Ellen DuBois — Sun, 25 Jul 2021 08:35:40 -0500

Although this happened over twenty-five years ago, I remember it like it was yesterday. From the time I miscarried, I changed. Life changed. As with any loss, the effect on you is profound and the path your feet walked changes in the blink of an eye.

Here is my story taken from the pages of my book, I Never Held You. It's probably one many of you can relate to. My heart goes out to all who have experienced a miscarriage and please know you are not alone.

When I was four and a half months pregnant, I was filled with feelings of excitement, joy, fear, and wonder. I had been married about a year and a half, and although it was an unplanned pregnancy, an immediate bond formed between my unborn and I. There were days when I would rest my hand on my slightly swollen stomach and smile, thinking of the life inside me. No, we didn't plan this baby, but I was going to give it all the love in the world and then some.

Nothing else mattered. I knew we'd manage.

One day, while my husband, (at the time), was away on business, I noticed a small amount of blood on some toilet paper.Instinct kicked in and said, "This isn't right. Call your doctor." There was no pain, no large amounts of blood-but the feeling that something was wrong was unshakable.

My sister and I ended up at the hospital where they performed an ultrasound. I stared at the monitor while the doctor pointed at an image that I could barely see through my tears. His words will forever ring in my ears: "The fetus is no longer viable." Viable? What did that mean? I could tell by the look on the doctor's face that it wasn't good.

"What does viable mean?" I asked. My heart raced as I awaited what I knew was the answer, but prayed wouldn't be.

"The fetus is no longer alive. The sack around the fetus is broken. We can wait for you to miscarry ..." His words faded as my mind raced. Wait! Miscarry? What? A numbness washed through me. The doctor continued, "I think it would be best if we removed it. It would be very painful and messy to wait for it to abort itself and in the long run, best for you."

For me? What about my baby? God...stop calling it 'a fetus'! I wanted to scream, cry, hit something, and run. I wanted to turn back the hands of time and be anywhere but in that cold, sterile room with a doctor telling me that my baby-not my fetus- was dead.

But, I couldn't change anything. I agreed to the D & C (dilation and curettage), which is when the cervix is dilated and the fetal and placental tissues are scraped or suctioned out. I felt afraid and shocked. I couldn't believe the life inside of me was no longer alive. Just that feeling was beyond explanation. However, something inside triggered me to agree to remove the baby because I figured it would be worse to wait, day after day, for it to abort itself. I knew I couldn't handle that trauma, so I chose another.

I left in a state of disbelief. I couldn't even cry.

When my husband got home the next day, I told him the news. The day after that, I went in for my day surgery.

The doctor told me that upon examining the fetal tissue, he discovered it was "perfectly normal" and that first pregnancy miscarriages were very common. I swear he almost smiled, as if this was no big deal. I was young, and there'd be no problems in getting pregnant again.

Was that supposed to help? They were common? Maybe if I'd been told that there was a concrete reason for my miscarriage, i.e., an abnormality in the chromosomes or an infection that would render my baby ill,I'd have felt it was a blessing. Or, maybe not.

"Wait a few months and you can try again." the doctor said. Try again? Let me get over this!

That was just the beginning of a very long, painful road I was about embark upon. One on which no one understood my grief. Why? Because there was no 'baby' to be seen. There was no real sense of loss for anyone but me. People cared, but more about me than my lost child. The child I carried and loved in my womb for four months. The child I had dreams and plans for. The child I talked to during the day.

The child that was never to be.

My book, I Never Held You, is mentioned in this column. More importantly, it addresses how difficult anniversary dates can be:

Ask Amy: Anniversary of #miscarriage brings on grief #miscarriageadvice #miscarriagesupport #miscarriagebook Click here to read.

As Mother's Day Approaches- I Celebrate YOU

Ellen DuBois — Fri, 7 May 2021 17:25:33 -0500

Hello,

I know many of you may have mixed emotions with Mother's Day coming up this Sunday. I know I do. I think about the baby I lost so many years ago and how I've always longed to be a mother to a child on this earth. It's always been a bittersweet day for me and for millions of others who feel like I do. My heart goes out to you. To those of you who miscarried and have children, I know you think about the baby you lost, even though you love the child or children you have. There's a special place in your heart for each child, whether on earth or in Heaven. My heart goes out to you, too.

I also know what it's like to have my own mother pass away. She's in Heaven and I miss her so much. Mother's Day carries with it a particular sting not having her here. I have so many wonderful memories of her and feel her near me, but it's not the same. I long to call her up, talk, see her, HUG her. But, that's not happening and it hurts. Even if it sounds crazy, I still talk to my mother. I think I always will. I don't mind admitting that to you. It's like she's here but I can't see her...I feel her loving energy around me.

If you are hurting for any reason as Mother's Day approaches, I want you to know you are not alone. I relate to you on many levels and if I don't, someone else does. We support each other simply by letting each other know you're not alone. If you're reading this post and you get the feeling that someone out there gets you, I'm grateful. That's what it's all about. When times are tough it's good to know there are people out there who have at least a glimmer of understanding.

I do celebrate all the wonderful mothers out there. Mothers to children on this earth and to children in Heaven. I celebrate those who act as motherly role models to a child or to many children. I celebrate foster mothers, grandmothers, aunts and Godmothers. I celebrate all those who nuture like mothers.

You are all amazing and my heart, thoughts and prayers are with you. I celebrate YOU.

Love and Light,

Ellen

My book, I Never Held You, is mentioned in this column. More importantly, it addresses how difficult anniversary dates can be:

Ask Amy: Anniversary of #miscarriage brings on grief #miscarriageadvice #miscarriagesupport #miscarriagebook Click here to read.

Heavenly Connection

Ellen DuBois — Sun, 31 Jan 2021 07:19:04 -0600

My book, I Never Held You, is mentioned in this column. More importantly, it addresses how difficult anniversary dates can be:

Ask Amy: Anniversary of #miscarriage brings on grief #miscarriageadvice #miscarriagesupport #miscarriagebook Click here to read.

Times Like These

Ellen DuBois — Sun, 31 Jan 2021 07:00:29 -0600

Fear Vs. Faith- An Excerpt from My Book #repost #faith #miscarriagesupport

Ellen DuBois — Sat, 16 Jan 2021 09:27:34 -0600

This is an excerpt from my book, "I Never Held You". It's about fear vs. faith. Although written a while ago, I still feel the same today. I hope this brings you some comfort, some help as you navigate through these difficult times. I am so sorry for your loss and you are in my prayers.

"During periods of great loss, it's only natural to question your faith. I did. So many of us wonder how God could 'let this happen'- be it your miscarriage or any other personal or global tragedy. If your faith is being tested right now, as mine was, you may want to read on. People tend to blame God when things go wrong. I know I did-and it was tough for me to admit. I knew better; yet, something inside of me was holding onto the thought that God could have prevented my miscarriage. It was only after a great deal of time passed that I realized there's a reason for everything, even things that hurt deeply. I don't blame God for my miscarriage. I know there were reasons, unknown to me, for it. While I was in my blaming mode, I was full of fear. When I learned to trust in God, my fear was transformed into faith. That doesn't mean the pain went away. It means by having faith instead of fear, the pain of my miscarriage was lessened because I knew my baby was in heaven, and I needed to lean on Him to get through the very tough times and beyond. My fear also led to an inability to relax (and still does when I let it take over faith's place). Fear is natural; it's what you do with it that will determine how well you fare during any time of crisis in your life. Not only times of crisis, but everyday living, too. I wish you more faith than fear."

My book, I Never Held You, is mentioned in this column. More importantly, it addresses how difficult anniversary dates can be:

Ask Amy: Anniversary of #miscarriage brings on grief #miscarriageadvice #miscarriagesupport #miscarriagebook Click here to read.

I Feel Your Love #repost #miscarriage #miscarriagesupport

Ellen DuBois — Sat, 16 Jan 2021 09:23:04 -0600

You flew
into the Heavens.
You shine bright
like stars.
I feel your light
when I miss you most.
Evening comes,
the ache surfaces.
I feel your light
enter the cracks
of my heart.
I feel your love.
Ellen M. DuBois, Miscarriagehelp.com

My book, I Never Held You, is mentioned in this column. More importantly, it addresses how difficult anniversary dates can be:

Ask Amy: Anniversary of #miscarriage brings on grief #miscarriageadvice #miscarriagesupport #miscarriagebook Click here to read.

An Extra Blue Christmas. Miscarriage and the Pandemic

Ellen DuBois — Mon, 14 Dec 2020 16:12:36 -0600

I wrote a post a couple of years ago that said something like "How to feel joy when everything feels wrong."

I thought of that today as I opened my blog and began to type. I thought how difficult it is to celebrate Christmas, Hannakuh, the entire holiday season after suffering a miscarriage and any other kind of loss of a loved one. I struggled for years and know many of you are struggling now with your grief during a season that's filled with celebration.

For many, it'll feel like an extra blue Christmas this year.

2020 is unlike any year we've seen. Not only are you grieving the loss of your baby, which is a heavy enough load to shoulder, you're also trying to navigate life during a pandamic. You may have suffered another loss to this terrible virus. Life is so upside down all over the world.

With so many of us trying to find ways to celebrate the holidays in very "unusual" ways, the world feels and is very different.

However, grief, no matter what the circumstances, is grief. I get that. I also understand that coping is more difficult because of the state of the world.

So I ask you to do this: Your loss still matters and so do your feelings. Please acknowledge them and know you have every right to grieve. You may be physically distanced from your support system, whether it's one person or many. Please reach out to them when you're feeling like you don't know which end is up. Talk on the phone, face time, email, whatever it takes to connect to someone when you need a friend. No matter what, we are there for each other.

Pray. I have found so much support and comfort through prayer.

I pray every day for this pandemic to be wiped from the face of the earth. I pray for all those who are ill, who have lost someone, who are frontline workers. I pray for every woman and her family who is suffering after miscarriage. I know how difficult it is and how isolating it can be.

I'm here to remind you that there are others who need connection and support just like you do. Connection is key, especially during these times.

Please connect. Stay connected because you are worth it.

Just like I believe this pandemic will end, I also believe you will heal. Take your time, feel what you must and reach out if you need to. We are there for each other. I am here for you in whatever way I can be.

I am so sorry for your loss. You're in my thoughts and prayers all the time.

Love and Light to you,

Ellen

My book, I Never Held You, is mentioned in this column. More importantly, it addresses how difficult anniversary dates can be:

Ask Amy: Anniversary of #miscarriage brings on grief #miscarriageadvice #miscarriagesupport #miscarriagebook Click here to read.

Just Checking In...

Ellen DuBois — Mon, 30 Nov 2020 09:34:53 -0600

Hello,

It's hard to find the words for a post that carries some real meaning to it. That's not to say that I post without putting my heart into it. I do and have been since 2006. But, I know how difficult it is to wade through the emotions and grief after miscarriage. Combined with the Christmas and holiday season upon us and the pandemic, what do I say? How do any words come close enough to giving you some sense of comfort...or at least empathy?

I suppose what I need to do is separate the two: Your loss and the pandemic. I pray Covid19 is wiped from the face of the earth soon. I pray for all those who have suffered in any way, in essence, for the world.

Your miscarriage and the pain you feel is not diminished in any way. You've suffered a very real loss in a time where the world is already reeling. However, what you're feeling matters. You matter. No matter what this world is going through, you need and deserve support and to know that you are not being left on the sidelines to deal with your pain alone.

This post, like many others I've done, was not thought out prior to writing it. I simply sit and let the words flow from my heart to you. I know it's not easy. I get the emptiness you're feeling. I know how you wanted that little one in your arms and probably think of your baby as Christmas, Hanukkuh, the holidays are here. I've done that for twenty-six years. My thoughts always go the baby I loved, but never held. That's not abnormal and my feelings matter, too.

You need to grieve in your own way. I want you to know you'll get through this and I'd never say it'll be easy. I will say there are millions of others who know how you feel and together, we can support each other. Especially now when we're already feeling isolated and in many cases afraid.

What do I do? I pray for the world, for anyone who is suffering, for the pandemic to end and for each of you who may be feeling like nobody cares or very alone. If thoughts are energy, please know there's a lot of loving, supportive energy directed to you. I ask God and the angels to comfort you, to give you strength and to wrap you in unconditional love.

I am so sorry for your loss. I pray for your healing, your safety and send love to you and your precious baby in Heaven.

Love and Light,

Ellen

My book, I Never Held You, is mentioned in this column. More importantly, it addresses how difficult anniversary dates can be:

Ask Amy: Anniversary of #miscarriage brings on grief #miscarriageadvice #miscarriagesupport #miscarriagebook Click here to read.

Feelings are More Intense Right Now

Ellen DuBois — Mon, 23 Nov 2020 16:11:24 -0600

With all that's going on, it feels like I'm experiencing everything more deeply, intensely, powerfully. That includes my grief, sadness and how much I miss you.

My book, I Never Held You, is mentioned in this column. More importantly, it addresses how difficult anniversary dates can be:

Ask Amy: Anniversary of #miscarriage brings on grief #miscarriageadvice #miscarriagesupport #miscarriagebook Click here to read.

Miscarriage Fallout During Covid

Ellen DuBois — Fri, 13 Nov 2020 18:17:32 -0600

The world seems like it's upside down and you're also reeling from miscarrying. How do you cope? The fallout from losing a baby to miscarriage is huge. I remember feeling so overwhelmed- and that was not during a pandemic.

I use the term "miscarriage fallout" because that's what I believe you go through. There are tons of emotions to process and the grief you're feeling can be so consuming.

So, how do you cope with all of it?

While I don't have any kind of magic answer, I believe connection to others who have lived it and leaning on God and your angels for support is extremely helpful. While I know it's not the time to find an in person support group, online support exists and helps. There are books out there to assist you in navigating through life after miscarriage. Online connections have been a source of support for years. I know because I created this website many years ago and people have vented, shared and connected through it.

I understand I'm not familiar with your faith. I can only attest to my own. There were times I felt like it was so dark and I didn't know where or how to find any light. Life felt blank and devoid of anything but grief for some time. However, my faith in God, the angels, the afterlife, in Jesus- this helped me so much during my most desperate times. I'd cry and ask God for help. I asked my angels to help me through panic attacks and more. My faith and yours may be different, but if you believe in something bigger than yourself, it helps.

Times are tough, but I want to spread the message that you will come through all of this on the other side. I know your grief has to be felt and when you're feeling overwhelmed by it, please give yourself permission to feel, step away into a peaceful place and just be. You need and deserve time to heal and when you feel isolated even more because of Covid, feelings are compounded and magnified.

Some deep breaths, some fresh air, some time spent with God will help you regain a sense of balance- a sense of self.

My prayers are with you and I am so sorry for your loss. Please hang in there.

Love and light to you,

Ellen

My book, I Never Held You, is mentioned in this column. More importantly, it addresses how difficult anniversary dates can be:

Ask Amy: Anniversary of #miscarriage brings on grief #miscarriageadvice #miscarriagesupport #miscarriagebook Click here to read.

#Repost: Grief Unpredictable

Ellen DuBois — Wed, 11 Nov 2020 19:04:23 -0600

I remember feeling so overcome with grief after my miscarriage. There were times I'd feel the sting of tears without any warning. I'd be "fine", (as fine as I could be), and wham, I'd be crying.

Grief is a journey and it's one you're not alone on. At first, I didn't find much comfort in that. I hurt too much and looking back, I had to feel it. It was a terribly lonely place to be and was often dark. I felt isolated and drained.

As time passed, I began to write about my feelings and reach out to others. Not a whole lot, but when the Internet was relatively new, chat and support groups started popping up. As I became aware of how much they helped me, I created my own site, this one, back in 2006. I realized even more how none of us are alone on our journey after miscarriage and how we draw strength from each other.

My faith also carried me through some of the darkest days of my life. I thank God for that.

I am so sorry for your loss and I hope you find some comfort in knowing there are people out there who get what you're living.

I know I do.

Love and Light to you,

Ellen

My book, I Never Held You, is mentioned in this column. More importantly, it addresses how difficult anniversary dates can be:

Ask Amy: Anniversary of #miscarriage brings on grief #miscarriageadvice #miscarriagesupport #miscarriagebook Click here to read.

Repost: If I Had One Wish #miscarriage #miscarriagesupport

Ellen DuBois — Sat, 7 Nov 2020 10:18:35 -0600

I do send my love to Heaven and how beautiful it would be if I could visit with my sweet baby. Although I know it's not possible to do physically, I feel a connection to my baby that will never go away. I talk to him. Tell him how much I love him and he'll always be in my heart. It's like an invisible thread keeps us connected. A thread that bridges Heaven and earth. #miscarriage #reachout #miscarriagehelp #miscarriagesupport #miscarriageawareness #pregnancyloss #babyloss #isolation #connection #feelingalone #talkaboutit #missingyou #missingyouquotes #grief #griefquotes #griefsupport #ineverheldyou #miscarriagequotes I'm thinking of you all with love and light, Ellen

My book, I Never Held You, is mentioned in this column. More importantly, it addresses how difficult anniversary dates can be:

Ask Amy: Anniversary of #miscarriage brings on grief #miscarriageadvice #miscarriagesupport #miscarriagebook Click here to read.

Repost: Each November I Remember

Ellen DuBois — Fri, 6 Nov 2020 06:06:55 -0600

My baby would have been a Thanksgiving baby. Even though it's been many years since I miscarried, this time of year is bitter-sweet for me.

I am so thankful for many things. My health, family, friends, a roof over my head, blessings both big and small. Gratitude is an attitude I try to live with every day.

But, as with any loss, you can't help but wonder, remember, reflect- especially when a holiday or anniversary rolls around. (I miss my mother, too. She passed away in January of 2015 and losing her changed me...my life.)

Once again, I think of the baby I lost, Alex. He'd be all grown up now. I wonder what he'd look like? Be like? What would his voice sound like? How would hugging him feel?

My faith has carried me. I see Alex in heaven. Sometimes, I picture him with Jesus. I'm grateful for my faith.

But...I'm only human. There will always be a part of me that wishes he were here...with me. There will always be a part of me that wonders what it would have been like to have watched him grow up. That's simply the way it is and I've learned it's not going to change. I'm not going to change, at least that part of me. I've accepted this as who I am and how I feel. To resist it would do me no good.

How can you not think about someone you loved so much and lost? How can you not...remember?

To anyone who is going through this, my thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope you find comfort in God, the angels, in each other and in knowing you are not alone.

More than ever I wish you a blessed, safe November and Thanksgiving.

Ellen

My book, I Never Held You, is mentioned in this column. More importantly, it addresses how difficult anniversary dates can be:

Ask Amy: Anniversary of #miscarriage brings on grief #miscarriageadvice #miscarriagesupport #miscarriagebook Click here to read.

Are You Watching Me From Heaven?

Ellen DuBois — Wed, 4 Nov 2020 08:00:30 -0600

There are times I feel the love of the baby I miscarried so strongly it's palpable. It's as if I know he's surrounding me and we'll always be connected. It's a feeling deep in my soul and there's no shaking it.

I often feel the love of others who are in Heaven- like my mother. Again, the feeling of connection is so incredibly strong there's no denying it's real. It's energy.

If you feel your baby's love surrounding you from Heaven, please know you're not alone. You're not crazy or imagining things. Not to me. It's as real as the sun and moon.

My book, I Never Held You, is mentioned in this column. More importantly, it addresses how difficult anniversary dates can be:

Ask Amy: Anniversary of #miscarriage brings on grief #miscarriageadvice #miscarriagesupport #miscarriagebook Click here to read.

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