Miscellaneous Mommy

So...I run now

noreply@blogger.com (Debbie) — Tue, 28 May 2013 23:02:00 +0000

It's been over two years since I wrote my last blog post. I probably don't have any blog followers left, but I felt compelled to write today.

Two years ago I was struggling. With everything. Since then, I have done so much to heal myself and strengthen my family. I have lost 65 pounds! That is my proudest personal achievement outside of my marriage and my children.

I love to run and think I will be writing more about my adventures in running and fitness. Stay tuned (if there is anyone still out there, lol)!

Yes, that's actually me on the right! Ran The Color Run in Ypsilanti, MI earlier this month! Super fun!

Simplify

noreply@blogger.com (Debbie) — Tue, 12 Apr 2011 12:16:00 +0000

I decided to change up my blog's appearance...yet again. I started this blog for myself and I in the past months I have been getting back to blogging for me. The layout of my blog, the design and all of the buttons and columns were just distracting...to me, at least. I went simple. My favorite color is green, thus the green theme and the calming background. So, that is that.

Kaitlyn is teething so I have been busy trying to soothe her...I think she is getting her 1 year molars already!!! Argh! I can't believe she will be 1 in a few weeks...craziness.

It is so fun to see Nolan and Kaitlyn interacting, playing and learning from one another. Nolan is definitely Kaitlyn's favorite person in the world. She lights up when he runs into the room.

April is such a difficult month for me. My daughter and my mother celebrate their birth, my father died in April last year and 12 years ago yesterday a high school friend, best friend, killed herself. It is certainly an emotional time for me and so a few weeks ago I finally decided to see a counselor. I have been twice and it is really good to get out all of this yuckiness, for lack of a better word, and try to see that I am still alive!

Attack of the Shoulds

noreply@blogger.com (Debbie) — Sat, 09 Apr 2011 01:45:00 +0000

I should help my Mom more.
I should have dinner ready every evening when my husband arrives home.
I should have a clean house all the time.
I should lose 80 pounds by the end of the summer.
I should feel normal again.
I should be a better wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend.
I should do my hair and wear makeup every day.
I should have begged my father to go to the doctor.
I should be happy about myself the way I am currently.
I should socialize with other moms more often so I appear normal.
I should care more about the clothes I wear.
I should have my kids enrolled in soccer, tee ball, gymnastics, karate, hockey, etc.
I should work out every day.
I should get out of the house and figure out how to talk about normal things again.
I should have told my father how much he meant to me.
I should be over this.

DSLR and PSE - huh?

noreply@blogger.com (Debbie) — Fri, 25 Mar 2011 17:34:00 +0000

A few weeks ago, I blogged about my wish list and my husband either a) finally found my blog or b) is psychic. I am going to assume my hubs just completed his "How to read a crystal ball" class because I'm pretty sure he doesn't know I have a blog. Anywho, not too long ago he and Nolan came home from a weekly trip to Costco and Nolan told me he bought me a gift. I told him I was excited and was anxiously waiting at the door for him to run up and give me a crate full of watermelons or something, but no, it was a Nikon D3100 kit! I was floored! So, now I am the proud owner of a Nikon D3100 DSLR camera and have two lenses, a camera bag (though, very basic black...I will have to upgrade sometime in the future), a memory card, two DVDs on how to use the camera (right, I'll watch those in my "free" time) and no clue how to use this awesome camera! The next weekend we decided to make it a family trip to Costco and my husband bought Photoshop Elements 9 (PSE) for me!!! I am so very excited and thankful but have no clue how to use it, either. Ugh. I try to do stuff in it but I am clueless (see previous posts in which I document my inability to do anything creative as I am an accountant). So, who can help me? PSE didn't come with any instructions and I have read through my Nikon stuff but it wasn't overly helpful. Guess I should watch those DVDs huh?

So, until I know how to use my camera to it's full capabilites, I am shooting in auto mode right now. I want to go to manual because I know I can get much better photos but I just don't know what I'm doing! Maybe I can find an amateur photography class sometime...riiiiight after I do all that stuff on my "must do first" list. I think photography could be a great hobby for me and may just let me express myself and get out all of the crappy yucky feelings I have been having...I just need to figure out where to start.

In the meantime, I am noticing that my photos are definitely crisper than with my point-and-shoot Canon, so that's great! Now if I can just figure out how to use PSE and all the fun actions out there, I'd be thrilled!

Here are a few shots from my Nikon. As stated above, these are all in auto mode, so pretty please, don't judge...I'm trying!

Butterflies and Other Miscellany

noreply@blogger.com (Debbie) — Thu, 24 Mar 2011 14:51:00 +0000

Okay, so I have decided on a loose theme for Kaitlyn's first birthday party...butterflies. There are a few reasons this theme feels right:

One of the butterflies over Kaitlyn's crib

Kaitlyn's nursery has butterflies hanging from the ceiling and she loves to watch them flutter around. There are two over her crib instead of a mobile and two hang over her changing table. I can't wait until spring finally arrives (if it ever arrives here in MI!) so that I can open her window and let the butterflies flutter in the breeze. I pretend the two over her crib are my father and paternal grandmother, watching over Kaitlyn for me at night. Silly, I know, but I'm not quite all there.
Butterflies symbolize spring and I am ready for spring to be here...now! What better way to celebrate my spring baby than with spring-y bugs?!
Color, color, color! Butterflies are all different colors so it won't look like the pink monster spewed all over my house. I am thinking green, brown, orange, etc. Maybe a little pink. Don't get me wrong, pink is a lovely color, but while I have been searching for girl party themes...everything is pink! Ugh. Seriously folks, girls like other colors. My fave is green, for example. Thanks.
I can pair butterflies with other fun bugs...caterpillars, bees, dragonflies...so the boys we are inviting to the party won't have only butterflies on their plates/napkins/goody bags. Whereas a pretty pretty pink princess party would probably be a bit more difficult to stomach for the wee lads...and for me.

On the wall above Kaitlyn's crib

Yesterday I ordered cute invites from Tiny Prints and was having a stressful day so I also bought the matching Thank You notes, address labels and gift bag labels. Oh, Tiny Prints, you are so sneaky with your matching accessories...especially when preying on a depressed, tired, perfectionista mother of two! Ugh.

I had to have it all! And for what?! Kaitlyn won't remember a thing, right? Well, but I will, and she is only turning 1 once, so I want it to be perfect. Sometimes I wish I wasn't like this and could just buy any old invites, decorations, whatever and still make it the best for my kids. My parents weren't like this, but I just love decor and wish I had gone to school for something cool like interior decorating or party planning or photography. Nope, I studied accounting. Woo Hoo! Break out the party hats kiddos, we're going to be having fun with debits and credits today! Par-tay!

Next on my party to-do list...smash cake and cupcakes. I think I'm going to have them made but I have no clue where to find a good bakery around here. I googled bakeries and there is not much. I just began my search yesterday though, so I will keep looking. There has to be a good baker around here...now to find them! I'll keep ya updated!

Wordless Wednesday - Blue Eyes

noreply@blogger.com (Debbie) — Wed, 09 Mar 2011 18:34:00 +0000

Birthday Ideas

noreply@blogger.com (Debbie) — Thu, 17 Feb 2011 12:00:00 +0000

Unbelievably, Kaitlyn will be ONE on April 30th and I feel the need to begin planning immediately! We don't have a large family and will be inviting a few good friends whom have been with us through this insanely crazy year, but I want it to be a super-special day! I know April 28th will be incredibly difficult for me and my family, so I really want to make the 30th happy, fun and Kaitlyn's best day ever!

I need to start brainstorming...what little things can I do to make her birthday freakin' fantastic?

Here are a few things Kaitlyn loves right now (9 and 1/2 months):

Clapping
Screeching
Doing the "splits"

Smiling
Baths
Pillows
Crawling full force at something she wants with her head down
Dancing
Our TV/Stereo - and she likes it even more when we tell her "no"
Her brother, Nolan

Her pink bunny lovey
Daddy
Laughing
Graham Crackers
Emptying all the toys out of all the toy bins
Chewing on everything she can find
Sticking her tongue out

Sitting and kicking her feet
Toilet paper (see yesterday's post)
When I take off my glasses (she laughs every time, I have no clue why)
Mommy
Looking cute

SO, I should be able to come up with something spectacular for Kaitlyn's party, right?

Wordless Wednesday - TP Edition

noreply@blogger.com (Debbie) — Wed, 16 Feb 2011 11:00:00 +0000

Living in a Material World

noreply@blogger.com (Debbie) — Tue, 15 Feb 2011 17:01:00 +0000

Though I am not normally one who craves material items, I currently have a huge hankerin' for these things:

An Apple iPad - I don't even want the 3G one, just the plain, ol' 64GB $700 one
And, to go with my new iPad, I'll surely need a Gussy iPad case, I like Blue Bell in Pink!
A Canon EOS Rebel T2i with EF-S 18-55IS
Photoshop Elements 9 so I can play with my photos and personalize my blog
A completely new body (I guess this isn't materialistic, but I feel it is narcissistic so I decided to include it on my list as it ends in "-istic")

Okay, those are the things I'm really pining for. Now, I just need to play/win the lottery!

What things are on your "wish" list?

Need Opinions

noreply@blogger.com (Debbie) — Mon, 07 Feb 2011 16:09:00 +0000

Okay. I have finally had it with this depression controlling my life. I have to take control. I need to lose weight. Here are a few of the "issues" I currently have with trying to lose weight:

My kids don't sleep. My son is three years old and goes to bed around 8pm-ish and wakes up at THE crack of dawn (i.e. 5:30am) and that is on a good night. Lately, he wakes up sometime in the middle of the night...last night it was 12:30am...and won't go back to sleep unless me or my hubs lays with him in his bed. Because we are all tired, we do this, but then fall asleep in my son's bed instead of going back into ours. This is particularly difficult during the week when my hubs has to work. My daughter is 9 months old and goes to bed around 7pm-ish. She usually wakes once in the night, but goes back to bed after eating and a diaper change. Again, we know this is a bad habit, but we are so darn exhausted, it is what we do for now. She will then wake around 7:30am...usually. Therefore, I get very little sleep...ever. My son won't take a nap anymore during the day, but my daughter takes two, usually.
Laundry, cleaning the bathrooms, cleaning the kitchen, picking up toys 20 times a day, sweeping the floors a bazillion times a day, dropping off and picking up my son to preschool on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and on and on. You know, the regular daily grind of a stay at home mom. Everyone thinks our lives are so easy. Riiiight. I don't even know what a bon bon is and I don't have time to watch soap operas.
My son is a picky eater. He won't eat much of anything. No matter what I cook, he won't eat it...except for turkey tacos...and he only eats the meat. I have a hard time cooking regular meals when only my hubs and I eat them...and hopefully soon our baby girl will too.
My hubs is up for work at 5:30am and doesn't get home until between 6:30pm and 7:00pm. He will be working late this month, so who knows what time he'll be home. It makes for loooong days. I usually feed the kids dinner, or a banana if you are my son, around 5:30pm. If it is bath night I will bathe them around 6:15pm and then by the time we're done I need to get baby girl to bed. She is usually asleep before my hubs gets home from work. I then have to clean up the kitchen from their dinner time mess and usually either my hubs will cook something or I will and we eat at like 7:30pm. If I'm hungry before then, I will just eat something quick, like a PB sandwich before hubs gets home and let him figure out his own dinner.
We have no family close to us. My mom and brother live about 45-50 minutes away and my in-laws live about an hour and a half away. Nobody else has ever watched our kids and so if I want to grocery shop or anything during the week, I will usually do it once my hubs gets home...which means it is late. I don't like shopping with my kids...it takes way too long and I find I am more stressed out about making sure my son is staying nearby and telling my daughter not to lick the nasty shopping cart.
I am currently living with depression. I could get extremely sad at any time, without warning, and my day will be a total loss as far as getting anything productive done. I am currently taking meds but need to meet with a counselor or someone, I know this. My weight issues are not my dad's fault. I am not implying that at all.
My right foot is killing me. It has been about a month since the pain started. I have researched it online and am thinking it is the long tendon that runs the length of your foot. It may have become inflamed and needs to be treated. I can barely walk on it after sitting for any period of time and it sure doesn't make me feel like hopping on the treadmill. I just don't know when I can see a doctor. I don't even know how to find a podiatrist.
I've tried Weight Watchers in the past, but it was when I had no kids and all the time in the world to count points, log my water consumption and monitor my activity levels. I know this won't work for me right now. I basically need someone to tell me what to do. I need prepared meals and realistic ideas of how I can work exercise into my current life, otherwise, it's not going to work. I know this for a fact.

I'm sure there are more ~~excuses~~ reasons I find myself not able to lose weight, but really it comes down to me not being able to put myself first. My kids need me, my hubs needs me, my mom needs me and I don't want to let them down.

So, I have started looking into Jenny Craig, Medifast and Nutrisystem. Have you used any of these? What were your results? Is there another system I should research? I need your opinion because I have to start somewhere and I need to start soon. I want to lose 77 pounds and know it won't happen over night...it may take years (hopefully not)...but I need to do something.

We Love AppleCheeks

noreply@blogger.com (Debbie) — Tue, 01 Feb 2011 15:40:00 +0000

We have been using cloth diapers since Kaitlyn was a few weeks old and we love them! Since cloth diapers were brand new to us (we didn't use them, or really even know about them when Nolan was born) we tried out a bunch of different brands and have a very clear favorite...AppleCheeks cloth diapers! We absolutely LOVE them because of how they fit Kaitlyn - they allow her to move around and don't leave marks all over her legs. Let's not forget that AppleCheeks also expertly contain all of her messiness and look super adorable on her - at every age!

Kaitlyn rockin' her fave color - Raspberry Sorbet - May 2010 - 3 weeks old

Kaitlyn posing in her Coriander AppleCheeks - 3 months old

Kaitlyn lovin' her St. Lucia AppleCheeks - 7 months old

Kaitlyn and I recommend AppleCheeks if you are already cloth diapering or even if you are just in the beginning stages of contemplating trying out cloth diapers on your baby - we promise - you will LOVE them just as much as we do!

Everywhere

noreply@blogger.com (Debbie) — Mon, 31 Jan 2011 18:30:00 +0000

This morning, sitting on the rug in our furniture-less dining room while my kids played, I could see it clearly. I could see our dining room table beautifully set for Thanksgiving dinner, the buffet filled with yummy foods and decorated with little paper turkeys. I heard the laughter of our loving family, the music of glasses being filled with wine and the children filled with excitement. I actually felt full of happiness...and then I felt the tears begin to well up in my eyes.

When we bought this house two years ago, I envisioned all of the things we would do as a family here - all of these things included my father. He made my childhood, my entire life, happy and I always felt I could do anything if my dad thought I could. As hard as I try, I cannot remember a time in which he yelled at me, though he must have, right? I was in a pretty horrible car accident my senior year of high school. I was driving and my car was totalled. My dad never once said anything other than he was so happy I wasn't hurt. He took me car shopping to find a replacement and sat with me on my bed as I walked our insurance company through what happened over the phone.

Seriously, my dad was my hero and I miss him so much. I see him everywhere and in everything and I just can't fathom that he is gone. Forever. I'm in pain.

My dad, me and my Aunt Pat at a festival in 2004

If I Had A Million Dollars...

noreply@blogger.com (Debbie) — Fri, 19 Nov 2010 02:13:00 +0000

I'd be rich. Well, maybe not as rich as when the Barenaked Ladies wrote that song, but still, pretty rich...especially if that was after taxes. :) Can you tell I'm an accountant nerd?

Anyway, we have all played that game in our minds...If you had a bunch of money, what would you do with it? I am currently staying at home with my kids, so I literally dream of having my "own" money again...just to do with as I please. I miss that part of having a job. Now, I feel like it is all my husband's money and I am very careful not to spend it, unless on groceries and necessities. He tells me it is our money, but going from a working woman to a stay at home mom, I just feel like it's not mine, dumb, I know.

So, anyway, here is what I would spend my million on as of today, in no particular order (also, I am taking donating to charities out of this game, though I would really donate to the American Heart Association, Alzheimer's Research and St. Jude's Children's Hospital if I had this money in real life):

Hire a professional interior designer to help me decorate my entire house. We moved in here in February 2009 and it is still completely desolate. Seriously, it looks like we love the minimalist look, but really, I'm just indecisive when it comes to putting things on the walls. I have a background in accounting, not decorating, and so I feel like all of my ideas are craptasticly awful, thus we live in emptiness...except for the kids' rooms...they are both decorated and my favorite rooms in the house.
Hire a personal chef. I'm serious. I am the world's worst cook. I would love to hire a chef who specializes in cooking and serving healthy foods that taste great. Have a feeling eating better would make us all feel better, especially me. I would then ask said personal chef to write down all the recipes and teach me how to cook them, so that I wouldn't have to employ them forever. Yeah, I know, probably would have to pay them more, but meh, money is limitless in my game world!
Hire a personal trainer...for both my husband and myself. This would alleviate SO MUCH stress in our lives. My husband tries so hard to go the gym but with his work schedule it is just so difficult. Throw in a 6 month old and a 3 year old who want to see him during his free time, and he them, and you see how far he gets in working out. A personal trainer would allow him to maybe workout downtown after work or here at home, on his schedule. Me, I'm just so unmotivated right now and eat disgusting things. I know I need to work out and get in better shape so I feel better but Kaitlyn seriously won't let anyone watch her other than me and my husband, so how can I leave her at the gym daycare? I can't...at least not right now. So, I tell my husband to go. At least one of us should get a regular workout.
Hire an amazing person to watch my kids for a few hours a week so I can go to the aforementioned personal trainer and learn from the personal chef. This person would have to be a baby whisperer for Kaitlyn to like them, but I have a ton of money so I'm sure I could find someone. Oh, and did I mention, this amazing nanny person will also have to guarantee me that they can potty train my son. That alone would make my life a bazillion times easier. Yay me!
Donate all of my clothing to St. Vincent De Paul and hire a personal shopper to buy me a whole new wardrobe...after I am a mommy hottie of course, from all of the working out and eating healthy. :) How fun would it be to not have to fight the throngs of people at the malls and just hire someone to do it for me, bring the clothes to my house to try on and take back the ones we don't like? Awesome.
I would have a weekly manicure, pedicure and body massage. No joke. These things are key to my happiness. I heart painted nails and relaxed muscles.
Travel. A. Lot. I would take my entire family and any friends who wanted to come along to all of the places in the world I love and/or want to love. :) Can you say Bora Bora 10 times quickly? I can.
Assuming I have any money left, I would put it away for Nolan and Kaitlyn. Duh.

I'm sure I could think of many more things, but these would give me the life I think I want. These things address the major issues I currently struggle with on a daily basis. And if you could pay to bring someone back from Heaven, even if just for a few moments, I would give everything on the list above back just to see my Dad, to hug my Dad and to tell him how much I love him. I'm so pathetic, I can't even get through a fun post without thinking of my Dad and crying. Ugh. I need therapy...and not the retail variety.

Wordless Wednesday - Milestones

noreply@blogger.com (Debbie) — Wed, 17 Nov 2010 14:27:00 +0000

Nolan's first 1/2 day at The Goddard School :)

Kaitlyn has two teeth!

Planning Ahead

noreply@blogger.com (Debbie) — Thu, 11 Nov 2010 11:42:00 +0000

I am a serious list maker, planner aheader and scheduler of all things to do with my life and family. If I don't have it written down, most likely I will forget to buy it, show up to it or do it. So, every year I buy a yearly planner which breaks down each month into weeks and has columns for grocery lists, weekly to-do lists, areas to write down doctors' appointments as well as birthdays and anniversarys. Whew. It is my mommy bible. I have everything in there.

Well, I got my new one last week for 2011 and yesterday I began the oh-so-exciting yearly task of transferring over birthdays and anniversarys (I love when people send me a card or call, so I like to do the same!) to the new planner. Let me just tell you, February and October were difficult, but I did write these special days down and will continue to for as long as I have a planner. He has not left my life; I just can't speak directly to him or see him whenever I want to anymore. I will always keep these days close to my heart.

February 9th - Dad's Birthday
October 12th - Mom and Dad's Anniversary

However, April is going to be the most difficult month for me and for all of my family. Writing down Kaitlyn's 1st birthday on April 30th was so exciting! I love her more each and every single day. She is a wonderful baby and has such a unique personality - laid back, giggly, loving, inquisitive and happy. But always, every single year from now until I die, her birthday will be two days after my dad died. It is not her fault; it is not anyone's fault. I will be unbearably sad on April 28th and wonderfully happy and thankful on April 30th. Hopefully, someday, the pain of the 28th will lessen and I will be able to re-live all of the wonderful memories of my dad's life here on Earth...but that will not happen in 2011...I will feel alone and overwhelmingly sad. Feelings are not usually something you can plan ahead of time, but I'm positive about how I will feel next April 28th, and it won't be joyful, happy or anything of the sort. I will feel loss, a huge loss.

What do I write in my planner on April 28th? For now it is conspicuously empty because empty is all I feel.

Wordless Wednesday - Autumn Activities

noreply@blogger.com (Debbie) — Wed, 10 Nov 2010 21:00:00 +0000

Kaitlyn on a ride through the neighborhood

Nolan picking out some colorful leaves

Wordless Wednesday - Pumpkin Edition

noreply@blogger.com (Debbie) — Wed, 03 Nov 2010 12:13:00 +0000

Oh, The Joy of Teething Babies

noreply@blogger.com (Debbie) — Wed, 03 Nov 2010 01:02:00 +0000

I wish babies were born with all of their baby teeth. I know this doesn't happen for a long list of reasons, but it would just be easier on Moms and Dads everywhere if it did.

Nolan was only 3 months old when his first tooth popped up...and it was so. not. fun. I remember calling his pediatrician and asking what was wrong with him because he had red/raw cheeks, was drooling constantly and running a low temp. The nurse laughed and told me he was most likely teething. I didn't believe her. Babies don't get teeth at 3 months old. A few days later, Nolan proved my thesis incorrect. There was a pair of beautiful white teeth coming in on the bottom! Couldn't believe it and so I proceeded to take a zillion more pictures of him smiling without any teeth because I loved his gummy grin.

So, with Kaitlyn, we were fully expecting teeth early. She wanted to prove that all children are different and waited 3 more months than Nolan. Last Thursday, two days before she turned 6 months old, Kaitlyn's first tooth broke through her gums. Ugh. She was up all night. My beautiful, happy, awesome-sleeping baby became a fussy, unhappy, non-sleeping, but still amazingly beautiful baby. Then, I just noticed yesterday that another tooth is coming in quickly right next door to her current one. Poor girl. I wish I could take her pain away and would gladly give it to myself (or my husband!) so that she didn't have to be uncomfortable. I keep reminding myself that she will not remember this time in her life...but I will.

If you look very closely, you can see her little white nubbin' coming in (bottom right side)

Poopy Pants and Halloween

noreply@blogger.com (Debbie) — Tue, 02 Nov 2010 01:15:00 +0000

It was a strange weekend. Every single time we took Nolan somewhere this weekend, he pooped and/or peed his pants, usually pooped. Every. Single. Time. It happened twice at the gym, once at the grocery store and again today at Target and Kaitlyn's doctor's appointment. Luckily, since he did it at the doctor's office, I spoke to the doctor about it and about why Nolan is refusing to tell us when he has too pee or poop. When he goes, he doesn't tell us, either, so he just sits in it until we figure out that he is wet (pee is soaking through his pants and/or running down his legs into his shoes) or has pooped (see prior pee description). It's disgusting and everyone, including two different doctors are telling us that it will happen, give it time, blah, blah, blah. I am just so frustrated and feel as if I am a horrible mother. Our neighbor's son, who is only 2 months older than Nolan, was potty-trained last summer! Over a year ago! WTF?!?

On a lighter note, I took Nolan trick-or-treating last night and my husband stayed home with Kaitlyn to pass out candy. It was freezing here in Michigan and we decided she wouldn't care if she sat home with my husband or came with me and Nolan. My son LOVED it this year! He doesn't even like candy really. He likes lollipops, M&Ms and Reese's Pieces. That's it. But he sure got a kick out of going up to the houses and yelling "Trick-Or-Treat" with his friends. Most of the time he even remembered to say "Thank You" without me having to remind him. I was a proud Mommy last night...and he didn't pee or poop his pants! It was a win/win situation.

My blue crayon and pink bunny

Happy Halloween!

Blank

noreply@blogger.com (Debbie) — Thu, 28 Oct 2010 13:25:00 +0000

I feel like I should write about how I am feeling today, but my mind is blank. I couldn't even think of a title for this post and am in a complete haze today. Kaitlyn was up from about 3am on and off until 7am and is now just going back down for a nap at 9am, hopefully. So, I'm not only depressed but I'm also exhausted.

Six months ago tonight, my father died at home in his bed from a heart attack. My mother found him and she heard little gasps of breath, but his whole face was red and she new something was wrong. My brother tried to save him by giving him CPR and even ran outside to get a neighbor to try to help. The paramedics tried for over an hour to revive him - to no avail - he was gone. He was only 67 years old, and just barely.

When my brother called me that night, April 28th, I was 39 weeks and 4 days pregnant. My husband and I were getting ready to take Nolan upstairs to read him his bedtime stories and say goodnight. I don't know what made me answer my cell phone, because it was 8pm-ish and I normally would have just let it go to voicemail and would have checked it when I got done with Nolan's bedtime routine. But, I answered it when I saw it was my brother, and I immediately knew something was wrong. I still remember where I was standing in the kitchen and how my heart started racing. I remember yelling, screaming and crying. I remember looking to my husband, who was holding Nolan getting ready to go upstairs for bedtime - the look on my husband's face and how he immediately started crying. I was kneeling on the floor and my whole life flashed before me. My dad was so much a part of my life - all of our lives.

He had just been to our house two days prior to watch Nolan for me so I could go to my OB appointment. We went for a walk around my neighborhood and I took him, my mom and brother out to lunch afterwards to celebrate my mom's birthday, which had been the week before. It just didn't seem real - it still doesn't.

I am so sad. I miss my dad so much. I thought this was supposed to get better. I have a husband and two children who need me and I can barely function. I don't care what I look like anymore and I wish I did - I want to care. I'm taking some medication for situational depression - as my doctor calls it - and I usually feel okay in the mornings but horrible by the end of the day. I'm numb.

I cry every night as I lay in bed praying that nobody else I care about dies but I know they all will - we all will die, that is for certain. I believe in and love God. I know my father is with Him now but I selfishly wish he was still here with us. I wish he had gotten the chance to meet his granddaughter who shares his middle name. I wish he had been here to see Nolan turn 3 years old. I wish he could see the new paint colors we picked out for our house and the new patio we put in. There is not a day that has gone by in the last six months where I have not wanted to call my dad to tell him something, to hear his voice and his laugh. I can't bear to think of Thanksgiving and Christmas this year without him. I would always come down the stairs at our house the morning of Christmas and he would have the tree lights on, Christmas music playing, coffee in hand smiling and wishing me "Merry Christmas".

This sucks. I can't stop crying and it's only 9:15am. I know I am lucky to have had a wonderful, caring, loving father but I sure wish I could at least give him one more hug and kiss and tell him how much I love him.

It's been six months and other than Kaitlyn being born, it has been the absolute worst six months of my 33 years of life. I want to enjoy my life with my kids. I want to be as awesome of a parent as my dad was to me. I want to know how to go on.

I love you dad - always.

Wordless Wednesday - Fun at the Park

noreply@blogger.com (Debbie) — Wed, 27 Oct 2010 13:19:00 +0000

Kaitlyn

Nolan

Not So Wordless Wednesday - MSU Spartan Fans

noreply@blogger.com (Debbie) — Wed, 20 Oct 2010 13:36:00 +0000

We are a family of Michigan State University Spartan fans. I went to school there as did my brother, both of my cousins, my uncle and my mom. The biggest Spartan fan I have ever met though, was my dad. He attended Western Michigan University (as did my husband!) but since we lived on the East side of the state it wasn't very feasible for us to attend athletic events at WMU. My dad was the biggest MSU fan EVER with season tickets to football and basketball games and at one point hockey too.

This year, MSU has a wonderful football team. Their head coach, Mark D'Antonio is awesome! He reminds me of my dad...unfortunately a little too much. Coach D'Antonio suffered a heart attack after the MSU football team beat Notre Dame last month in a spectacular fake-field-goal for the touchdown finish. I immediately thought of my dad and how he wasn't as lucky. He didn't survive his heart attack. I am so thankful that Coach did and that he will soon be back on the field with his team. They are currently undefeated and don't think for a second that my dad hasn't had anything to do with this amazing season - because in my heart, I know he has been high-fiving God after every MSU touchdown!

Go Green! Go White! Go State!

Wait. Something is different, right?

noreply@blogger.com (Debbie) — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 11:49:00 +0000

So, I decided to change my blog. Not just the layout but the actual blog name and overall theme/feel of the blog. I wasn't identifying anymore with the person who created "The Proudest Monkey in the Mommy Jungle" blog and I was feeling trapped as to what to post.

I thought at great length as to what my blog could possibly be about and I came up with a list a mile long - none of which, by themselves, could sustain an entire blog for very long. I'll post this list at some point as part of my "About Me" page update, but right now I feel as if I made the right decision. There are still a few things I want to fix/update/add to the actual blog layout but like all things, it will take time - it's a work in progress.

miscellaneous
1. composed of varied things - made up of many different things or kinds of things that have no necessary connection with each other
2. each being different - each being different or having different abilities or qualities from the others

mommy
somebody's mother (and in my case, two somebodies)

I love being a mom, and right now I feel like that is my entire person, my entire life. But I do actually have other interests and I want to get back to exploring those as well.

Welcome back. Welcome to Miscellaneous Mommy.

Lost

noreply@blogger.com (Debbie) — Mon, 18 Oct 2010 01:58:00 +0000

I don't know where to go from here.

Physically, I know exactly where I am located. Mentally and emotionally, I have no clue where I am or where I am going to end up.

I love my beautiful children and I love my husband but I am far from loving myself. My new self. This person who is left after death and birth. I feel so different than I did before but nothing else seems to have changed.

Still, almost 6 months later, I catch myself thinking that this is all a horrible nightmare. Then I look at my beautiful baby girl and I know that God has given me a gift - the gift of life. I feel so selfish. I want to feel better. I want to not miss him so much. I want to stop crying. Every. Single. Day.

Heartache

noreply@blogger.com (Debbie) — Wed, 29 Sep 2010 00:22:00 +0000

Five months ago tonight, almost to the minute, my brother called me to tell me that my dad had died. It isn't getting any easier and I have no more words to describe how much I miss my dad. I pray and cry every single day. I love you dad.