misconnecting in the city

Sleep No More

noreply@blogger.com (Frankie) — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 15:09:00 +0000

I posted this because I thought the idea of posting a missed connection for an event where everyone was masked was, if not highly original, at least amusing. I got a couple responses. Here is one back-and-forth with responses in italics:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I saw you there. I think you were wearing a creepy white mask? We had a moment in the graveyard. Or maybe the creepy bathtub room. Or maybe it was in the elevator. In any event, I liked your shirt, because I couldn't see your face, because of the mask.

Awesome show - and funny cl post!

Haha, I was hoping it would amuse someone! Glad to know it worked.

Yes it did :) how did you like the show?

My favorite part was the goat rave orgy. What was yours?

Orgy was out there. A/s/l?

75/h/the moon

Ha. H?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hermaphrodite

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

a/s/l? REALLY?! How long has it been since you've seen a/s/l? Are the kids still doing that these days?

Please don't have an ass like a coat hanger - 38

noreply@blogger.com (Frankie) — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 18:21:00 +0000

[funkypancake]

I read this while perusing the MCs the other day:

Let me apologize to the thinner women, you are all beautiful I just happen to prefer a rounder profile. Really I am just a man who is past the waifs , the spindle legged hair tossing prancers who pass on lunch. Curves are very womanly. Shake what you're Mamma gave you and enjoy those curves.

Your/you're confusion aside, there is some nice turn of phrase apparent here. But I was REALLY confused by the title. So, as I am wont to do, I wrote him:

A coat hanger? I don't even know what that would entail. I've heard other similes for flat bottoms - pancakes, dinner plates, etc., but never a coat hanger.

In any event, that description does not apply to me.

And he wrote back:

Frankie that is a good news!

the coat hanger - was a woman, poor thing,on the subway it was almost inverted.

I am pleased to hear such good news, can you tell me a little about you

STILL SO CONFUSING

Yes, there are Psych tie-in novels

noreply@blogger.com (Frankie) — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 06:08:00 +0000

[photo via dr romana]

It was ever so crowded on that car when you got in, but really, at 5:30 on a weekday, that's to be expected. I'd been reading the Psych novel with a picture of Shawn and Gus on the front on the train with a tiny amount of shame - not because I don't love the show, because I do, but because, really? There are tie-in novels? And I HAVE one? Who AM I? Someone who is going to see James Roday in an off-Bway play I know NOTHING about simply because he is James Roday?

Okay, that is who I am.

Anyway, when you commented on what I was reading and asked if it was good, it made me feel a little better about my decision to rot my brain with that "book." So, thanks.

Also, your facial hair was impressive.

Normally the Only Hot Cops I Like Are the Ones GOB Knows

noreply@blogger.com (Frankie) — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 16:22:00 +0000

[photo via Robb1e]

Our neighbors were burgled yesterday, which seriously, seriously sucks for them. They seem like nice dudes. But then: you and your partner came to interview my roommate and me regarding the burglary. When I told you my last name, you told me there was an ultimate fighter with the same last name. "You related? I thought maybe you could get me an autograph." Sadly, I'm not, and I can't. My roommate thought you were flirting. I couldn't tell, because I was too distracted by your dimples.

If I can get over my inherent distrust of authority, we should hang out sometime under better circumstances. Bring the cuffs.

Update 12/16: I only got two responses to this post. One was short and boring, and the other was the following, which is at least entertaining, if nothing else.

Hey hun.. you . I think my friend is the guy who was the cop who interviewed you. Because my friend told me that he interviewed to cute girls that lived next to some guy who got robbed. But i dont know what the chances are that you are the girl because i never look at this part of craigslist.. and i tried it 2day and found this and i thought that was funny and weird if ur that girl lol

Dude with Derelicte Shoes

noreply@blogger.com (Frankie) — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 22:20:00 +0000

I just assumed you were gay, since I assume every cute dude I meet is gay until proven otherwise (I find it saves time). Plus, you were selling stuff at a craft fair, so...signs were not pointing in a straight direction.

But maybe you weren't? And you actually really thought my shoes were rad in the way that straight dudes can totally find girls' shoes rad? Your own shoes were apparently, if you are to be believed, stolen from a homeless dude. Which is rad also.

In any event, you were cute and I would totally shill for your wares anytime.

Christmas Porn

noreply@blogger.com (Frankie) — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 13:42:00 +0000

[photo via AmandaB3]

You: cute improv boys perusing our "free" shelves at the tail end of our stoop sale.
Me: tired lady hawking books and DVDs, including "The Bitch That Stole Christmas" with hot elf action.

You seemed cool. You wished me a Merry Christmas as you left, while I was trying to hide the porn from the children that walked up. I hope you enjoy your items - you really should have taken MILF Handlers with you, though.

I posted this last night, like, 10 minutes after the described encounter. So far, three responses:

The Opportunistic Perv:
Gee, I missed your yard sale. : (
Is "The Bitch . . . " DVD still available? It sounds like a good addition to my eclectic collection.

The Dim Romantic:
im watching sun night football (well - watched, game just ended) and poking around.your post is absolutely hilarious. im wondering if any normal people post ads on craigs list. whatever normal means. probably just not creepy?im 27, originally from bklyn. im not creepy. and im smart, cool, fun, good looking, etc. just seeing who's out there..

The Realistic:
Your posting made me laugh, thinking of you trying to hide the porn from the kids. Thank you for that.

All I ever want is to make people laugh, y'all.

To our one reader left...I'm back in the swing of things!

noreply@blogger.com (sasha) — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 17:05:00 +0000

Crunch- 8 pm - The return of the missed connection and Ponytail 2.0 (minus the ponytail) - w4m - 26

you: dark brown hair, dark eyes, navy shorts, white shirt, black sneaks & socks, unbelievably gorgeous
me: red head, tan top, black pants, serious staring problem

Ok so I'll admit I've seen you at the gym before....and I have definitely noticed you. But tonight - I was seriously staring you down! I was checking you out when I was on the elliptical and found it hard to concentrate. I think you sensed me watching and you went upstairs. I don't blame you - I might be creeped out too. but I have to tell you - I am NOT creepy I promise! You are just so cute. I saw you again as you were leaving. I was working out with a trainer and ran to get some water. I almost bumped into you and we made eye contact. We held it a little longer than "normal," so I'm thinking you might think I'm cute too. Or you were noting my facial details to fill out a restraining order. Either way, I just wanted to let you know that you were the best part of my workout.

Non-Speed Dater at the Black Rabbit

noreply@blogger.com (Frankie) — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 02:41:00 +0000

You: charming-looking bespectacled fellow at the corner of the bar
Me: brunette saddled with an awkward internet date

I put our empties on the corner of the bar where you were sitting and bumped into you. Oh, how I wish I had been there alone so I could have talked to you! I was frantically trying to envision a way to get my card out of my wallet and slip it into your coat pocket without the strange man with whom I was on a date noticing. But before I could figure it out, you were gone. Let's go there and not be awkward.

Taking It to the Next Level

noreply@blogger.com (Frankie) — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 15:05:00 +0000

Nice.

MKE to EWR to Penn Station

noreply@blogger.com (Frankie) — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 05:40:00 +0000

They brought us a "snack box" with a packet of sausage, which seemed oddly appropriate, since I was the only woman passenger on the very light flight from Milwaukee to Newark. I was the girl in the green beret, gripping the arm of my chair in fear during takeoff; you were the fellow one row back in cute glasses and an earflap hat. Then I saw you on the train to Penn Station. I resolved to say something if you'd followed me onto the subway, but alas, that was where our paths diverged. If you're a fellow Midwestern transplant, hit me back and we can go to a bar where they serve Spotted Cow.

I am stressed about school and can not sleep... posting a missed connection it is!

noreply@blogger.com (nicky) — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 07:20:00 +0000

Home for the Holiday - w4m - 26 (N train)

On the N shuttle train tonight around 10:30pm headed towards Ditmars

You: cute and tall, with blue backpack and blue eyes
Me: stressed-out gal with glasses and a black and white coat

Looked like you were coming back from a Thanksgiving trip, with left-overs in hand. Caught my eye a few times. Want to tell me about your family's wacky Thanksgiving hijinks??

A Word of Thanks

noreply@blogger.com (Frankie) — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 02:15:00 +0000

Ah, Thanksgiving. A day to think about all the blessings in your life. Family and friends gathering, eating too much food, drinking too much drink, enjoying each others' company, etc., etc., etc. Of course, let's try not to think about the origins of the holiday, or how Uncle Leon is a raging alcoholic, or how cooking the stuffing inside the turkey as opposed to in its own pan may cause possible bacterial infection. Let's just focus on the positives: mashed potatoes, champagne, and good times.

But somewhere in Manhattan, someone's Thanksgiving is not so happy. Somewhere a man sits in front of his computer, wondering to himself "Why? Why can't I find a woman who shares both my religious views and my enjoyment of hairy ladies?" He stares at his screen, takes a sip of his Mountain Thunder, and scratches his head. "Tell me, Beowulf," he says plaintively, addressing his prized pet iguana, "Tell me what to do!"

The iguana stares at him, as iguanas are wont to do. In the stare, the man seems to see an answer. "Of course! That same girl! The one I've written to over and over, sometimes using the same text, who has never given me any reason to believe that she is interested in meeting, ever! I'll write to her once more. But this time - this time, Beowulf, I will write an email of such eloquence, such insight, that she will be forced to respond in the affirmative."

And so he types:

So is your armpit hair rather long yet?

Simple. To the point. Rife with meaning. Let's all say a word of thanks that on Thursday, at 6:23pm, The Naturalizer decided to strike again.

Seriously, It Won't End.

noreply@blogger.com (Frankie) — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 14:04:00 +0000

The time: Saturday, November 8, 8:10pm.

The place: The Naturalizer's apartment.

The Naturalizer sits alone, staring at his collection of Hummel figurines and crucifixes. As Teen Wolf plays on his 13" television set, unwatched, he sits back, takes a gulp of his store brand Dr. Pepper clone (Dr. Bold, perhaps) and toys with the fork left neglected in his Hungry Man salisbury steak dinner. He speaks:

"What am I doing? It's 8pm on a Saturday, and I would like nothing more than to be out on the town with a hairy, Jesus-loving lady. I thought I'd found one, but she spurned me - electronically!"

He hangs his head so that the bells on the jester hat he is wearing jingle in a pathetic manner.* His pet iguana stares vacantly at him, partly because it is an iguana, and partly because it is confused as to why he is wearing a jester hat. Suddenly, he jerks upward.

"I have the perfect solution! I will contact her once more! I still have her email address! Maybe, just maybe, if I say the perfect thing, she will come running back to me and we will live happily together in a land with no razors!"

He sits down at his computer, ready to burst with excitement. As he logs in to his email, his leg twitches in that way that dudes' legs sometimes twitch when they are nervous or just bored and you have to be like "DUDE. Your LEG." and they are like "OH. Shit." because they totally didn't know their leg was doing that. Thankfully for The Naturalizer, his only witness is the iguana, who doesn't care, as it is distracted by a particularly leafy piece of lettuce.

"But what will I type to this unseen, hirsute maiden? Surely nothing that springs from this mortal brain is divine enough to ply her to return - electronically - to my virtual arms. Oh, what to do?"

He sits, stymied, gazing at the framed 8x10 photograph of Rush Limbaugh gracing his wall, as though pleading with the man to send him guidance. Suddenly - an idea strikes.

"That's it!"

With that, he presses send. What follows is the email he sent:

How are you? I have decided to give you one last opportunity. Perhaps, you have had time to think about your rude behavior in not responding to my emails. Besides, I can think of two good reasons-- 1. Its not easy to find a girl who does not shave and a guy who is appreciative of that.. and 2. we may share similar religious beliefs... And in ny that is not easy to find. How about it?

In case you're wondering: Yes. This is exactly the same as the last two emails he sent.

But this time I responded.

Let's see what happens.

--UPDATE--
I responded "Hahahahaha" to his email at 9:04am, then started writing this. By the time I was done at 9:28, he had responded: "So why not? What do you have to lose?"
HOW DESPERATE ARE YOU DUDE

*credit where credit is due: my 10th grade English teacher Mrs. Hunter (who was quite possibly the most awesome teacher ever, and had many a quotable moment), used this phrase in regards to the wonderful short story The Cask of Amontillado. I still love that story.

Because I Love Me Some Juxtaposition

noreply@blogger.com (Alex) — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 16:51:00 +0000

MYSTERIOUS:

You rode a horse named Kansas... - m4w - 37
Reply to: xxxxxx@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-10-30, 9:42PM CDT

I was going through some papers and I came upon an old photo of you standing on the deck of your friend Soloman's house boat.

I wish that I had been more mature when I knew you...You were a very cool chick.

and I liked your blackened style of cooking too.

===

NOT SO MYSTERIOUS:

You've got an ass that wont quit - m4w
Reply to: xxxxxxxx@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-10-30, 6:58PM CDT

Oh God.

No, FOR REALS, One Last Opportunity

noreply@blogger.com (Frankie) — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 13:27:00 +0000

From: The Naturalizer
To: Frankie
Sent: Friday, October 17, 2008 11:20 PM
Subject: Fwd: Re: Hi!How are you?
I have decided to give you one last opportunity. Perhaps, you have had time to think about your rude behavior in not responding to my emails. Besides, I can think of two good reasons-- 1. Its not easy to find a girl who does not shave and a guy who is appreciative of that.. and 2. we may share similar religious beliefs... And in ny that is not easy to find. How about it?

Okay.

This is baffling.

First this fellow can't get enough of my alleged pit hair. Then, he tells me to get over myself. And yet, here he is, emailing me at 11:20 on a Friday night, when he should be out trolling the streets for nubile young things who want to make a statement about societal patriarchy through their refusal to shave (I mean, hello, NYU has been back in session for weeks). What is it about me, N? Why am I so very intriguing to you that you feel forced to forward me* an email you sent me not three days prior? Why can't you quit me, Naturalizer?

*see subject line

One Last Opportunity

noreply@blogger.com (Frankie) — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 18:20:00 +0000

We first met The Naturalizer a while back. For brevity's sake: he likes pits. You can read the history if you'd like. In short, I sort of got bored with him. However, his most recent email was too good to not post.

From: The Naturalizer
To: Frankie
Sent: Sunday, October 5, 2008 4:48:40 PM
Subject: Re: Hi!
So did you receive my replies? Are you going to respond? Its up to you. I am not sending you another email...
Ed. note: This one is so sinister-sounding. I like how he basically gives me an ultimatum.

From: Frankie
Subject: Re: Hi!
To: The Naturalizer
Date: Monday, October 6, 2008, 2:06 PM
wow...i was not able to check my email for the past few days...sorry if i "inconvienced" you. i don't think i'm ready to meet up with someone who is so pushy. sorry to have wasted your time.

From: The Naturalizer
To: Frankie
Sent: Monday, October 6, 2008 7:17:36 PM
Subject: Re: Hi!
Sorry about that.. It is just that you usually responded very quickly and all of sudden you didn't. So I wanted to see if you were still interested. So how about it? How is finding out if you are still interested in chatting being pushy by the way?

From: Frankie
Subject: Re: Hi!
To: The Naturalizer
Date: Tuesday, October 7, 2008, 2:05 PM
i can see where you would wonder what happened, but i just got caught up with other stuff. here's a tip: if someone isn't responding to your emails, they are busy or not interested. in either case, re-sending the same email multiple times looks pushy.
good luck on your search.

From: The Naturalizer
To: Frankie
Sent: Tuesday, October 7, 2008 4:43 PM
Subject: Re: Hi!
Whatever. get over yourself...

Ed. note: At this point, I figured we were done. And that would have been totally fine with me. But the next email was, oh, too priceless.

From: The Naturalizer
To: Frankie
Sent: Tuesday, October 14, 2008 9:44 PM
Subject: Re: Hi!
How are you? I have decided to give you one last opportunity. Perhaps, you have had time to think about your rude behavior in not responding to my emails. Besides, I can think of two good reasons-- 1. Its not easy to find a girl who does not shave and a guy who is appreciative of that.. and 2. we may share similar religious beliefs... And in ny that is not easy to find. How about it?

Wow. I mean...how could a girl resist?

Casio, I Love You

noreply@blogger.com (Frankie) — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 17:58:00 +0000

My newly-made friend and I boarded the train, her wearing a new, free orange coat, and me toting my free Casio SK-1.

"Can you play that?" you said.

"Uh...yeah," I responded, taken aback.

"No, I mean right now."

"Well, there aren't any batteries."

"What size does it need?"

"Double A."

And with that, you produced a package of batteries from your capacious bookbag, a package of gargantuan proportions.*

We tried to make it work. But the wires were too corroded. Blast!

You'll be happy to know that I got it working, even without a soldering gun. (There was, however, jury-rigged stripping of wire with a kitchen shears.)

I heard you gave my friend the rose. That was sweet. Thanks for the story.

Update: I posted this this afternoon, and after a couple hours, got one response:

Hi, how are you doing, this is an amazing story,

Cute.

I particularly like the irrationally-capitalized "Cute."

*okay, there were 36. Still, it looked like a lot.

Being Unshaven, The Beatles, and Jesus

noreply@blogger.com (Frankie) — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 16:22:00 +0000

“You’re a fool,” they said. “Haven’t you learned your lesson?” they pleaded. But no. I couldn’t resist. You may remember The Naturalizer from a few weeks ago. This week, I was cruising the MCs (working as a temp = lots of time to kill) and I saw an ad that was – verbatim – the response I received. Obviously, it was the same dude. So I decided to see if he would send me the Crazy Jesus page again. What follows are the results of that experiment.

From: FrankieSubject: Hi!
To: pers-xxxxxx@craigslist.org
Date: Monday, September 29, 2008, 1:50 PM
i saw ur ad on CL about girls who don't like shaving
i think i probably fit that description lol...
you have pics? send me some and i'll send u mine :)

-Frankie
Ed. note: the character I’m adopting in these emails is basically an amalgam of several people I know in real life that I think are stupid.

From: The Naturalizer
To: Frankie
Sent: Monday, September 29, 2008 4:34:19 PM
Subject: Re: Hi!
So how old are you? Where do you live? So are you unshaven now? I have pics, but I am at work now and they are on my home computer. So send me some pics. and I will send you some later tonight.

From: Frankie
Subject: Re: Hi!
To: The Naturalizer
Date: Monday, September 29, 2008, 5:24 PM
i'm 24 and i live in brooklyn (cheaper than manhattan lol)...i'm at work too right now but i'll be home later. what about you? what do you do for work? i'm a receptionist and it's fine but not what i really want to be doing. like everyone else lol

From: The Naturalizer
To: Frankie
Sent: Monday, September 29, 2008 11:37:50 PM
Subject: Re: Hi!
So..I am 31 and live in greenpoint, brooklyn.Where do you live in brooklyn? I work in asset management. So what did you go to school for? So send me a pic. when you get home..

The Naturalizer

From: Frankie
Subject: Re: Hi!
To: The Naturalizer
Date: Tuesday, September 30, 2008, 12:12 AM
greenpoint seems pretty cool, i have checked out a couple bars around there...i actually live off the G train so i know how it is!! haha...that train is so stupid. anyway, i attached a pic of me my friend took...i have kind of a crazy hat on but i still sorta like it! i'm not sure what asset management is...maybe like banking? i hope you have a job still! i went to school for history, but i really want to be a rock star. as you can see from my hat lol. hope you send a pic soon!

hey we're both on yahoo so if u wanna chat 2nite...i'll be up for a while ;)
Ed. note: I included a picture in this email. Not of me. Of some random, pretty but not unrealistic girl I got on Flickr. She was, in fact, wearing a pretty rockin’ hat. Additionally, it’s important to note here that the G train is the only train that goes to Greenpoint. And it is, in fact, so stupid.

From: The Naturalizer
To: Frankie
Sent: Tuesday, September 30, 2008 9:06:38 AM
Subject: Re: Hi!
I actually was tired and went to bed when you sent this. Anyway, I forwarded a pic. to my work email. So here is a pic. Asset management is part of banking. I still have a job. My company has not been affected by any of this yet. So what interested about my ad? The non-shaving thing? Out of curiosity, are your armpits unshaven now? Have you ever let them grow out (if not)?
Ed. note: The Naturalizer included a photo in this email, the same one he sent in his response to my MC.

From: Frankie
Subject: Re: Hi!
To: The Naturalizer
Date: Tuesday, September 30, 2008, 10:41 AM
Hi again!

nice pic! are you at work??

i just thought it was cool that you weren't grossed out by girls who don't shave...since it's winter now i'm going to probably stop again...in the summer it gets too hot to have hair lol!! but yeah i like the natural look and it just feels better!

talk to you soon!
Frankie

From: The Naturalizer
To: Frankie
Sent: Tuesday, September 30, 2008 11:25:34 AM
Subject: Re: Hi!
Hey,

Yes. I am at work. Its cool that you don't shave at all during the winter. I definitely prefer the natural look on a girl. So you let both armpits & legs grow fully out in the winter? Have you ever done it the summer (out of curiosity)?

Anyway, are you originally from NY? Where in brooklyn do you live (I don't think you said)?

The Naturalizer

From: Frankie
Subject: Re: Hi!
To: The Naturalizer
Date: Tuesday, September 30, 2008, 12:17 PM
mostly if i do it in the summer it's just because i'm lazy...haha

i'm originally from tampa, fl...so i'm like the opposite of all those old people that move to fl from ny! i live off the classon stop on the g, so it's not the greatest neighborhood, but i like it all right. where are you from originally??

From: The Naturalizer
To: Frankie
Sent: Tuesday, September 30, 2008 12:39:17 PM
Subject: Re: Hi!
Originally, I am from Pittsburgh, PA. I have been living in NY for over five years now. How long have you been here? So what do you like to do in your free time? Also, do you have more pics?

That's interesting that you live off the classon stop on the G. Maybe this was you. While on the way to meet a friend who lives further down the G line about a month ago (last couple of weeks in August I don't remember exactly when). I noticed a very attractive girl that was totally unshaven (at least the armpits) that got on the G (don't remember where exactly and I think (while I am not 100% certain as it was over month ago) she got off on the classon stop . Was that you by any chance? I know, probably not, but I figured I would ask since you mentioned that stop and reminded me of it.

Ed. note: at this point, I updated Alex on the situation.

Alex: HAHAHAHHAHA
that is the funniest response ever
WOW
i would (a) never remember someone random from a month ago (well, maybe)
and (b) HOW WOULD YOU KNOW IF THAT WAS YOU?
and (c) ok i guess he's making that up
Frankie: it's SO WEIRD
Alex: the more i think about it, that's actually kind of smart!
because if you were dumb, you would think it WAS you
which might flatter you // make you feel like he is a real person?
what could you say??
Frankie: and every email is like "tell me more about your pits"
Alex: hahahhah
WEIRD
ew, he is probably jerking off to ALL of your emails
ew ew
Frankie: ewwwww
well i sent a pic
of a random girl
i feel bad
but hey, anyone could be jerking off to her pic on flickr
Alex: haha aw
they could be anyway
Frankie: i mean she's cute
and has a cute hat on

From: Frankie
Subject: Re: Hi!
To: The Naturalizer
Date: Tuesday, September 30, 2008, 1:45 PM
pittsburgh seems like a nice town. i've lived here for like 2 years almost. mostly i like hanging out with friends, going to shows, etc. i guess i'm pretty boring that way lol! but not boring to hang out with :) what about you? what kind of music do you like?

haha i'm not sure how you think i would remember if it was me if it was over a month ago!! obviously i am very attractive so it's possible :)

From: The Naturalizer
To: Frankie
Sent: Tuesday, September 30, 2008 2:08:07 PM
Subject: Re: Hi!
In my free time, I like to read, watch movies/tv, run, go for walks, hang out with friends at restaurants & bars, etc. As for music, like the beatles, modest mouse, rolling stones, led zepelin, frank sinatra, billy joel, fiona apple, sublime, pink floyd (though less than I used to), the doors, grateful dead, oasis, among others... What about you?

What do you do for exercise? Do you run? As for wether it was you about a month ago, one way to at least narrow it down a little is to ask if your armpits were unshaven at that time. So were they?
Ed. note: As I said to Alex when I got this email, it's as though he Googled the phrase "cliched favorite bands" and then copy/pasted it into the email. Except Sublime. Where have THEY been? Also, the exercise question? Where did THAT come from? I suppose he could be a runner, and just wants to know if I'm a kindred spirit.

From: Frankie
Subject: Re: Hi!
To: The Naturalizer
Date: Tuesday, September 30, 2008, 2:38 PM
OMG i love the beatles and was obsessed with them as a kid...john was always my favorite for some reason. but i like lots of stuff, like yo la tengo and girl talk and ben folds and katy perry and all sorts of stuff. i've seen weezer a bunch of times. what movies have you seen lately? i just saw nights in rodanthe and it was sooooooooooo good but a little girly maybe lol

i don't really like running but i take dance classes alot...seems like i never have time to go to the gym lol! i need to get an exercise buddy!
Ed. note: I really did see Nights in Rodanthe. However, "sooooooooooooo good" would not be my description.

From: The Naturalizer
To: Frankie
Sent: Tuesday, September 30, 2008, 3:30 PM
Subject: Re: Hi!
Lately, I have not seen any really good movies. One of my best friends got married a couple of weeks ago and I was in the wedding & there was the bachelor party--so I was busy with that for a while.. You didn't answer the question about being unshaven a month ago or whether you are now. Can't let you slide on that question..ha ha.. Also, do you have more pics?

From: The Naturalizer
To: Frankie
Sent: Wednesday, October 1, 2008 9:14:07 AM
Subject: Re: Hi!
Did you receive my reply? Here it is if you didn't:

Lately, I have not seen any really good movies. One of my best friends got married a couple of weeks ago and I was in the wedding & there was the bachelor party--so I was busy with that for a while..

You didn't answer the question about being unshaven a month ago or whether you are now. Can't let you slide on that question..ha ha.. Also, do you have more pics?
Ed. note: "Can't let you slide"? For some reason, I find that so sinister-sounding. Particularly because he cut/pasted his email from the day before and sent it again. I like how his explanation for my lack of reply is that I "didn't receive" it. These are emails, dude.

From: Frankie
Subject: Re: Hi!
To: The Naturalizer
Date: Wednesday, October 1, 2008, 12:09 PM
wow, you are like really into pit hair, hey? i honestly don't really remember about a month back, could have been. right now i'm workin' on a couple days' growth i guess lol

i'm at work again and don't have too many pics here...at least good ones :)

From: The Naturalizer
To: Frankie
Sent: Wednesday, October 1, 2008 12:42:46 PM
Subject: Re: Hi!
In the grand scheme of things, pit hair is not the most important thing I am looking for in a girl. It is just that it is hard to find a girl willing to grow it out. So since you are open to it, I kinda went with that perhaps to the point where it seems like I am more into it than I actually am (though I certainly prefer it on a girl). By the way, what type of relationship are you looking for? I never really asked. As for me, I am looking for a serious relationship that will hopefully lead to a long-term relationship if it works out.

Feel free to send me what you have at work in terms of pics. The pic. you sent is with a hat and I can't get a complete idea of what you look like.
Ed. note: I really wanted to see if he would send the Crazy Jesus page again. I consulted Alex for her sage advice.
Frankie: "In the grand scheme of things, pit hair is not the most important thing I am looking for in a girl. It is just that it is hard to find a girl willing to grow it out."
Alex: HAHAHAHHH
SO INTENSE
Frankie: i'm like bored with this
Alex: he talks about pit hair too much
Frankie: i wanted him to send the crazy christian thing
Alex: has he told you anything else about himself?
you should ask him about his religious views!!!!
Alex: tell him that you only date christians
or tell him that you're jewish or something?
or agnostic?
a devil-worshipper
NO WAIT
YOU should send HIM a crazy christian link
Frankie: HAHAHAHA
Alex: OH HOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

In the end, I went with this:

From: Frankie
Subject: Re: Hi!
To: The Naturalizer
Date: Wednesday, October 1, 2008, 1:13 PM
haha fair enough...well i guess i should mention here that i go to church every week and am hoping to find a guy who shares my views...most guys my age i meet in new york are not into the religion thing and if they are, they always turn out to be weirdos who want me to be a doormat or something!!! it's cool if you're not like a regular churchgoer but i definitely am so that's what you're getting into lol...

From: The Naturalizer
Subject: Re: Hi!
To: Frankie
Date: Wednesday, October 1, 2008, 2:49 PM
While I am not a regular Churchgoer (in part due to the fact that I don't know anyone that goes regularly), I do believe in Jesus as Savior & Lord and in the Bible. So I am religious and you going to Church certainly would not bother me. I am certainly not weird and I am not looking for a girl to be my doormat.

So what are your beliefs? Where did you go to school out of curiosity? Can you send some more pics? If not from work, then later tonight...

From: The Naturalizer
Subject: Re: Hi!
To: Frankie
Date: Thursday, October 2, 2008, 12: 50 PM
Did you receive this:
While I am not a regular Churchgoer (in part due to the fact that I don't know anyone that goes regularly), I do believe in Jesus as Savior & Lord and in the Bible. So I am religious and you going to Church certainly would not bother me. I am certainly not weird and I am not looking for a girl to be my doormat.

So what are your beliefs? Where did you go to school out of curiosity? Can you send some more pics? If not from work, then later tonight...

From: The Naturalizer
Subject: Re: Hi!
To: Frankie
Date: Thursday, October 2, 2008, 4:03 PM
So are you still interested in chatting further? you didn't respond:
While I am not a regular Churchgoer (in part due to the fact that I don't know anyone that goes regularly), I do believe in Jesus as Savior & Lord and in the Bible. So I am religious and you going to Church certainly would not bother me. I am certainly not weird and I am not looking for a girl to be my doormat.

So what are your beliefs? Where did you go to school out of curiosity? Can you send some more pics? If not from work, then later tonight...

From: The Naturalizer
Subject: Re: Hi!
To: Frankie
Date: Thursday, October 2, 2008, 10:02 PM
So are you still interested in chatting further? I think we have potential in that you are obviously open to being unshaven, like the beatles, and we may have similar religious beliefs. So I hope to hear from you. Did you receive my reply?

Ed. note: I LOVE this list of “why we have potential," particularly the inclusion of the Beatles, because they're, like, not a litmus test. Lots of people like them.

It's Not Over.

noreply@blogger.com (Frankie) — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 14:44:00 +0000

Subject: Wanna Fuck?
Body of Email: :-)

Oh, Ernest.

He's baaaaa-aaaaaack

noreply@blogger.com (Frankie) — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 15:20:00 +0000

Ernest wrote:
You still work at 7-11? I don't get there during the early mornings anymore. Hope you had a great summer.

Wow. Talk about carrying a torch...this guy could do the entire Olympic torch march by himself.

You can ice MY cookie anytime

noreply@blogger.com (Frankie) — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 15:13:00 +0000

Caitlin over at Serious Eats found and posted this insane-o craigslist ad (which has, sadly, since been flagged for removal). It's...well, it's amazing. Someone spent a sizable chunk of time crafting this ad for maximum hilarity. Well played.

new york craigslist > manhattan > rooms & shares

$1 Room for ONE DOLLAR in bright, clean apartment (Upper West Side) (map)
Reply to: hous-834022781@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-09-09, 1:44PM EDT

I am looking for someone to rent the spare bedroom in my spacious 2-bedroom apartment on the picturesque and desirable Upper West Side. You must read carefully, however, as this situation is not suitable for all.

The rent is $1 per month, utilities included, as long as you bake me fifty (50) tasty cookies every day by 6 p.m. If you have not completed this task by 6 p.m., I will pour vinegar on all your belongings, throw them into the street, and have the locks changed. No exceptions and no excuses. Hell or high water, those cookies better be done and yummy.

Cookies are always cookies and never biscuits. I do not eat “biscuits”.

I will decide the specific type of cookie the day before and will submit my preference in writing by 9 p.m. of that day. You are responsible for the recipe and ALL the ingredients (at your expense, of course). The kitchen is large and well equipped with cookie sheets, rolling pins, mixing bowls, etc. You may NOT hum or sing as you prepare the cookies. You may, however, recite song lyrics in a normal speaking voice.

Forbidden ingredients include anise, marjoram, allspice, caraway, and oats. I will nevertheless request oatmeal cookies from time to time and you must find a way to make them without oats. Good luck with that. The worst ingredient of all, though, is NUTMEG. If even one speck of nutmeg, even the tracest amount of the stuff, is discovered in my home, I will pour vinegar on your belongings and chuck them in the street. You may assume the locks will be changed. You may use cinnamon, cloves, and raisins, though I am rather indifferent to these and will likely not be impressed. Chocolate is encouraged, as is vanilla bean extract.

You will be given three cookie cutters: a crescent moon, a star, and a doggie in profile. All cookies must be in one of those three shapes. The doggies must be given names and all the names must be different and cute. Cuteness is my call, not yours. For example, “Smuggins” is cute but “Lionel” is not.

The cookies must be artfully arranged on a lace cloth on a silver platter and garnished. Permissible garnishes include jellied fruits and candied flowers. Sugared figs are under review, but don’t get your hopes up.

Your room contains a twin bed, a dresser, a desk w/chair, and a TV with cable access. The TV is tuned permanently to the Food Network. You may watch only shows featuring cookies and cookie by-products.

If you are interested in this arrangement, please submit the following:

1) Your favorite cookie recipe
2) A picture of tasty cookies
3) A short original poem about cookies

Thank you.

86 at B’way google map yahoo map

photo credit: lasuprema on flickr

OH. MY. GOD. (or possibly, Satan)

noreply@blogger.com (Frankie) — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 23:40:00 +0000

Okay, so we had a weird encounter with this dude. Fine. It happens all the time. I checked my account today and found a new response from The Naturalizer:

I would like to invite you to ponder some of the final things in life. Remember life is short. As such, I would like to invite you to accept Jesus as your Lord & Savior. The Bible states that everyone has fallen short and sinned and is therefore subject to eternal damnation unless they accept Jesus as their savior. Check out the following link and websites:

http://www.satansrapture.com/salvation.htm

They explain it better than I can... Best of luck..if you check them out.

Wait...WHAT?

No, really. WHAT THE FUCK, Y'ALL?!?!?

First of all, this website is FUCKING BONKERS, and I couldn't really tell if it was pro- or anti-Jesus at first (I believe it to be pro-Jesus).

Second, what kind of evangelical strategy is this? It's SO time-consuming. I assume they have some sort of setup wherein they respond to all the Missed Connections and use it as a jumping-off point, but this DOES NOT EXPLAIN the hairy armpit thing. At all. Like...I am just so, so baffled right now.

Virgin Sacrifices and Other Unlikely Events

noreply@blogger.com (Alex) — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 18:10:00 +0000

ALEX. oh speaking of which i had a weird thing last night
ALEX. this is a little bit of a non-story, i'm going to warn you
FRANKIE. ok
ALEX. we were closing the store
ALEX. and this dude was standing by the register
ALEX. (which i was closing)
ALEX. while his friend used the bathroom
ALEX. and i'm, like, counting money
FRANKIE. ok
ALEX. and he asks me:
ALEX. "have you ever considered joining a sorority?"
ALEX. and i'm like "um"
ALEX. "what?"
ALEX. and then he repeats himself or whatever
ALEX. and i'm like "i'm not in college"
ALEX. "also: go away, because i feel like you are trying to get me to join your freaky cult"
ALEX. (but not that last part)
ALEX. and he's like "well it doesn't have to be that kind of sorority..."
ALEX. and then he says a bunch of other stuff
ALEX. that makes it sound like he's leading up to asking me to sacrifice cornish hens
ALEX. and i'm, like, freaked
FRANKIE. WHAT
ALEX. i can't really remember what else was said
ALEX. but my lasting impression was that he was actually just HITTING ON ME
ALEX. and trying to strike up a convo
ALEX. in literally the weirdest way ever
ALEX. while i am trying to count money to close the register
ALEX. and i feel like i was kind of rude to him
ALEX. but he was cute
ALEX. and now i'm like "what?"
FRANKIE. ok that is super weird
ALEX. what he said was that his friends and he were having a conversation
ALEX. about how groups like sororities downplay individuality
ALEX. but that they can have a really positive impact on people
ALEX. so they were trying to think how a group like that could work for "non-joiners"
ALEX. who want to retain their individuality
ALEX. while also being part of a community
...
FRANKIE. huh
...
ALEX. why am i telling you all of this
ALEX. i told you it was a non-story
ALEX. it might have still been a cult
FRANKIE. no, i think it's a story
FRANKIE. but yes, most likely a cult
ALEX. anyway i was thinking of posting a missed connection for him

===

"have you ever considered joining a sorority?" - w4m - 26 (downtown coffeeshop)
Reply to: *************@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-08-28, 12:59PM CDT

... is the question you asked me while I was trying to close the register last night. I was pretty convinced that you were trying to recruit me for your virgin-sacrificing cult, but after you left, it occurred to me that maybe you were flirting with me?

Sorry if I was a little stand-offish. I was trying to count 20's. And, you know, avoid the occult.

===

ALEX. should i be googling "the occult" at work?
ALEX. i'm writing an MC
ALEX. (sends link)
ALEX. is that offensive?
FRANKIE. i don't think that's offensive
ALEX. am i going to get nasty emails from a coven of 19-year-old wiccans?
ALEX. can i say coven?
ALEX. now i'm googling coven
ALEX. i'm going to get fired

===

ALEX. i'm posting on the blog now
ALEX. highlights from this convo are included
ALEX. though you seriously have like three lines
ALEX. due to my excessive talking
FRANKIE. there are no small parts, only small actors

photo credit bitzcelt

You Make Me Feel Like a Natural...WOMANNNNN

noreply@blogger.com (Frankie) — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 18:10:00 +0000

I received a response to one of my recent MC's (I don't know which one, and I don't know that it matters, really) that I had to respond to. What transpired...well, it serves me right, I guess.

Him:
8/22, 11:54pm: Are you a natural girl (don't shave your armpits)? or are you open to not shaving? I find women that are natural and don't shave at all very attractive. I am 31 and live in [neighborhood near mine]. Email me if you are interested in chatting further. I have pics. to share...

Me:
8/25, 7:52pm: I don’t shave anything if I can help it. Send pics and let’s chat more.

Him:
8/25, 7:58pm: So how old are you? Where do you live? Here is a pic. taken at work...please send a pic
8/25, 8:15pm: So did you receive my pic?
8/25, 8:36pm: So are you interested in chatting further?
8/25, 9:14pm: Are you going to respond? I sent a pic.
8/26, 9:52pm: so?
8/27, 8:25pm: So where is your pic? You received mine. What is wrong with you?

What IS wrong with me?

Outside. You and me. Right now.

noreply@blogger.com (Frankie) — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 20:14:00 +0000

You: plaid-shirted server at my favorite out-of-the-way, moderately priced eatery

Me: girl at the head of the table of giggling women and one man

You kicked my foot, but you apologized/were cute, so I was fine with it. I will, however, take you down (if you're into that kind of thing). You may have overheard the part where the one gentleman at our table (the S.O. of one of our intimidating number) told a story re: someone shitting herself during a race. This is our idea of classy dinner conversation.