Miss Bea Heyvin

Fashion...I still don't get it

2015-09-20T14:46:00.002-04:00

Nothing like New York Fashion week to get a person blogging again, right? Let me start out by saying that I still don't get it. I kind of wish the fashion designers would just call it performance art and leave the 'fashion' part out of it, because for the most part, that's what I think it is. Real women or men don't wear this stuff...and even if we wanted to, we couldn't afford it. But alas, like a moth to the flame, or a gawker to a train wreck, I'm there every season, shaking my head trying to make sense of it all.

*Just a personal side comment. Oscar de la Renta...I miss you terribly. I hope the goofballs that are now at the helm will get their shinola together. And Donna Karan...please come back out of retirement. Michael Jordan did. Okay, that may not be the best example, but did you see the DKNY show? Egads. Someone needs to be schooled on the DKNY brand please before it's as 'deconstructed' as the runway show was.

For your giggling pleasure, I give you some of the craziness that is New York Fashion Week.

I think Betsey Johnson needs to retire. Not that it ever was,
but I don't see polka dresses making a huge comeback any time soon.

Crotch sequins and diaper drape. Now there's a yeast infection waiting to happen.
Gareth Pugh designer.

With the increasing cost of clothing, it's important to have versatile wardrobe pieces.
Similar idea to Scarlett O'Hara and repurposing the draperies. I think Williams Sonoma
might be interested in this. Designed by Gary Graham.

I have no words.
By GypsySport

Shades of High School marching band. (shudder)
Now there's a memory I would rather leave buried. Thanks Marc.

This from one of Parson's design students.
Somehow I don't think Vic's Secret will be calling to set up an interview.

What does Anne of Green Gables, The Queen of Hearts and an African antelope have in common?

miss bea heyvin's golden gloat awards

2015-01-21T11:21:00.003-05:00

Anyone else think this year's GG red carpet was a major snooze-fest? I could barely keep my eyes open, and that was after 5 Red Bulls and a cold shower. I mean...I get that everyone is keeping the really good stuff for the Academy Awards, but come on. It's not like there aren't enough dresses to go around out there.

So to put money where my mouth is, I decided to see for myself just how hard it might be to find something to wear to the Globes. And unless it's beneath you to wear something 'off-the-rack", I found it's really not that difficult.

So...here we go with the 2015 Miss Bea Heyvin's Golden Gloat Awards. woo-de-hoo!

Voted most likely to actually re-wear a bridesmaid dress...and the award goes to...

Oh Julianne...this is one of those head scratchers for me. Not only is this dress uninspired, why would a designer with even a modicum of sense put a seam 12 inches from the hemline? As my favorite Old House carpenter Norm Abram says, "Measure twice, cut once." Comprende? So, there's this wonderful vintage boutique called "Dear Golden" in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Look at this dress from the 1950's...now that would have been the dress to wear and probably at a fraction of the cost.

Next up...winner of the John Boehner lifetime self tanner achievement award goes to...

Step away from the baby oil and the self tanning booth Heidi. Orange is not the new tan.

Voted most likely to still be in character...and the winner is?

Meryl...seriously. If you want to wear black and white, call Carolina Herrera, not the pope.

Carolina Herrera @ Neiman Marcus

First runner up in this category goes to Keira Knightley.

This is the Golden Globes, not a Jane Austen historic re-enactment. Knightley was quoted as saying that it took 30 people one week to create this dress. (insert the deafening sound of crickets here). I'm not sure what that says about the Valentino design staff or work room, but if it were me and I pulled this thing out of a shipping box the day of an event, I'd be having an apocalyptic meltdown. If it's ruffles you're after, check out this Dolce & Gabbana number (sans those ginormous ear thwackers).

Next category...most likely to be channeling Bea Arthur...and the winner is?

Just a tip...JLo sweetie, if you're going to wear Zuhair Murad, then wear Zuhair Murad.

Zuhair Murad @ Neiman Marcus

Next...most likely to never wear Vera Wang again...ever...like...never never ever.

Rosamund...dear Rosamund. For being 'post-baby', let me say that you look fantastic. But this dress is ill-fitting and awful. The only person it would look good on is...let me think...it would look good on...hmmmm...okay, maybe...no...how about...sigh...there really is no one this would look good on. This may sound strong, but I have very little respect for a designer that allows a client to wear something like this...out in public. You should be ashamed of yourself Vera Wang! Next time Rosamund, go with someone like Emilia Wickstead who still has the fashion sense God gave her.

Emilia Wickstead @ Net-a-Porter

Best impression of someone who's bladder just dialed 911...

If I ever write a book on fashion tips, one of the first suggestions will be, "If you're shaped like a barrel, then don't wear one." Zac Posen or not Lena, this is a terrible silhouette. Just because it's a designer dress doesn't mean you should wear it.

Bloomingdales $74

And then a couple general comments...

Nice first try Mrs. Clooney, but 'meh'...

I would think that Christian Dior would be a safe choice for the red carpet, but this style has been done to death. If I can find a similar gown on Amazon for $49, then it goes without saying that you might want to hit the refresh fashion button. I'm sure you'll figure it out and be knocking it out of the park next time around.

Amazon $49

Although I'm not a total fan of this dress, I have to say that Melissa McCarthy looks the best that I've ever seen her look on the red carpet. Makeup and lip color is so lovely. You go girl!

See you at the Oscar's kids! Miss Bea

it's that time of year...

2014-10-30T10:11:00.001-04:00

just in time for...(drumroll please)

CREEPY EBAY DOLL HEADS!!! (insert the sound of thunderous applause here) Enjoy!

dear kate middleton aka the duchess of derriere

2014-06-05T23:19:00.002-04:00

So when this happened on the Canada tour I thought...

..."oh, the poor dear. She's so new at this royal thing...surely someone from the palace will take her aside and school her on undergarments...maybe a little chat about fabric and what happens to full skirts on a windy day."

And then this happened, and I thought...

"You know...when women are pregnant, they're a little absent minded. She was probably doing good just to get dressed without throwing up all over herself."

And then...this.

...and this...

not just once...but twice during the Australia tour.

Now, I'm not the smartest person in the world, but it does not take hiring a 'butt nanny' to figure this thing out. The New York Daily News reported "Kate Middleton has hired someone to watch her bottom, prevent overexposure...to stop photos of her rear getting leaked, the Duchess of Cambridge will now have a female helper to ensure paparazzi mind their manners." That is hands down one of the dumbest things I think I've ever heard. As if it's the paparazzi's fault that she's not wearing suitable clothing and undergarments. Good grief. I realize that she has alot of public appearances, but c'mon. This has happened a few too many times for it to be anyone's fault but Kate and whoever is giving her fashion advice. Don't get me wrong. I love Kate Middleton. I want nothing but the best for her...that and just a small bauble from the royal vault to tell her what you're going to get for free.

er hum...ready? Kate? Write this down...

Number one...it's called a slip. Get one in every color and wear them if you're out in public in a dress.

Number two...have you ever seen a pencil skirt or a sheath dress get caught by the wind and fly up over someone's head? The answer is no. Why? Because it can't. This entire butt debaucle could be avoided if you would stop wearing full skirts...especially full skirts made of light weight fabric that can double as a mainsail on a schooner with one good gust.

Number three...you don't need a booty maid, you need a box fan. Turn the knob to high, stand in front of it and bend over. If you end up mooning the palace staff, then you might want to reconsider what you're wearing.

I took it upon myself to provide some visuals. Trust me, I'm not going to blow sunshine up your you know what. Miss Bea

You can stand on your head in this...it's goin' nowhere.

This Dolce & Gabbana dress combines the best of both worlds.
The body of the dress is form fitting and the bottom is fuller.
If the wind kicks up, the trumpet hemline is only going so far.
And that's way below the booty line.

This dress has pleating to accomodate an expanding tummy,
but the casual pencil skirt silhouette will behave even if the wind doesn't.

SQUEEEEEEEE!!!

2014-03-25T10:32:00.001-04:00

I love vintage clothing. I love looking at it...I love feeling the fabrics...I love looking at the impeccable workmanship...I love thinking about who wore it and where they were going.

...sigh...

I've tried on vintage clothing, but boy oh boy...those women were so June Cleaver-esque...with petite frames and teensy tiny waists. As a child, I remember my cousin and I trying to find something to do while our family was vacationing at my grandmother's house. Grandma was an excellent seamstress and had created several prom dresses for my aunt...circa 1950's. The pastel tulle and satin dresses were crammed in an upstairs closet of their hot stuffy farmhouse. Even then, with our pre-pubescent figures, we'd huff and puff to squeeze into those dresses and put to the test every double stitched seam and metal zipper.

All that to say, I ran across a lovely vintage clothing store in Michigan called Dear Golden. They also have an Etsy shop that I spent an hour or so just looking at the gorgeous pieces. Here are a few for you to oooo and ahhh over. Enjoy the stroll down memory lane. They don't design or make them like this anymore, Miss Bea

...a few of my favorite things

2014-03-07T10:49:00.000-05:00

From all the 2014 Fall Fashion shows...here are my picks of things I would love to have in my closet. Mind you...these are not my 'fantasy' outfits...like red carpet looks, but actual things I would wear...if, of course, they would call and ask me to take it off their hands.

Alberta Ferreti

Celine

Dolce & Gabbana

Ferragamo

Hermes

Holly Fulton

Josie Natori (really loved everything in her show)

Lanvin (I love the fur shrug idea sans the buttons. But
it kind of looks like they upholstered the thing to her chest)

Luisa Beccaria

Josie Natori

Paul & Joe (luh-uhv the slouchy suede boots)

Ralph Lauren

Tibi

To dream the impossible dream...sigh, Miss Bea

dear dolce and gabbana

2014-02-23T12:51:00.001-05:00

Talk to any of my friends and you know my complete and utter revulsion and disgust for squirrels. The word "squirrel", first specified in 1327, comes from Anglo-Norman esquirel from the Old French escurel, the reflex of a Latin word sciurus. This Latin word was borrowed from the Ancient Greek word σκίουρος, skiouros, which means scurvy ridden messenger of the devil. (well, not really, but that would be my interpretation of it)

So imagine my odious horror, as I'm sipping my morning coffee and shuffling through pictures of Milan fashion week, and I stumbled upon these...

Someone please ring up D&G and let them know that this is not fashion...this...this...whatever this is, is some type of sick twisted rodent idolization that should be met with uncompromising disapproval. Besides...that is NOT a squirrel coat. This is a squirrel coat.

And for all you PETA supporters out there...yes, it's real fur...but it's squirrel fur, so it doesn't count. Wearing it should actually be considered a gesture of environmental genius...ridding the world of squirrels, one disgusting rodent at a time.

Switching to decaf on Monday, Miss Bea

Addendum on Monday. This was the lead story on Style.com

"Woodland charm"??? "Freshen up"??? Someone needs to quit smoking the 'woodland' funny weed.

the stupor bowl

2014-02-02T10:59:00.001-05:00

...at least that's what I call it. Well, it's that time of year again when groups of strangers and friends gather around the TV to drink, eat and watch 2 NFL teams beat the crap out of each other. woo hoo...And every year I'm invited to some Super Bowl party somewhere that I don't want to go to but my husband does. Right before I leave the house with my bag of chips and dip, I google the event to see who's playing. I figure I had better at least know the names of the teams and what color their uniforms are. Anyway..."The Cut" put together a slideshow of cheerleading uniforms over the years as a way to somehow make the event relevant to their readership. And thank goodness they did, because it actually brought something interesting to the whole gratuitous waste of time. It's a fun retrospect. Click here to enjoy the show. We've got spirit yes we do, we've got spirit how 'bout you...Miss Bea

Shades of Catherine Mary Gallagher..."Soopah Stah"

black is the new...uh...black

2014-01-28T22:04:00.000-05:00

Well...I guess now we know the official uniform of the Grammy's.

Madonna

Yoko Ono

Willie Nelson

Black Sabbath

Kris Kristofferson

Except for...

Steven Tyler

...who looks like he's auditioning for the Brady Bunch reunion tour.

really ralph?

2014-01-27T11:41:00.002-05:00

...s'cuse me for a second, I have a little spit up in the back of my throat. let me just rinse that out with a little...Oh dear heavens...

Hey Ralph? I think maybe this idea seemed more cool in your head than in actuality. I don't know how the athletes feel, but I'm a tad ruffled that the first look the entire world is going to see of our Olympic athletes is this...a patriotic theme sweater that could have come out of my grade school teacher Mrs. Bixler's closet. The U.S. State Department has issued a warning to the athletes to not wear their team USA clothing outside the Olympic venues. I have a sneaking suspicion that it has nothing to do with their safety...if you get my drift (wink wink). Ralph sweetie, I think it might be time to pass the torch onto another designer, but not before you use it to light that unsightly cardigan on fire.

So a couple bullet points here...
1)No one...and I mean NO ONE except a wafer thin model looks good in straight leg pants. The female speed skaters are going to brown code in their shorts when they try to fit their thighs in those things.
2)How long are the opening ceremonies? I wonder how many athletes are going to be able to walk and stand in those brand new unbroken boots. Do they come with blister pads?
3)Was it really necessary to brand every piece of clothing with some version of the Ralph Lauren logo? You'd think Ralph was sponsoring the entire team. Sheesh...

Styled for the 2014 American Olympic Team by Miss Bea Heyvin

Ralph Lauren $795
Just in case you missed the humongo RL polo pony on the front lapel,
there's a logo'd side patch as well. Wouldn't want to miss that free advertising
due to a bad camera angle.

Scotch & Soda $157
Here's a cheaper version of the pea coat, if you want something similar
but don't want to pay for the RL logo.

Ralph Lauren $598

Yes Style $19
I know...your heart is broken that it doesn't have the word "POLO" on it.
Get over it. You just saved $579.

Ralph Lauren $95

Also Ralph Lauren $15

In a snit...Miss Bea

Addendum...Jan 29, 2014. One of my friends sent me this link and basically told me to 'shut my pie hole' about the American Olympic outfits. And, I would have to agree with her. The US outfits...not nearly as bad. Check it out.

diabolical shoes

2014-01-10T23:36:00.000-05:00

Really interesting article at The Cut on "The Most Torturous Shoes of All Time". I do question the thoroughness of the article though, as I didn't see the black slingback pointy toe Bandolino's I wore in 2004 on a business trip to New York City. After 12 hours of airport escalators, pavement and taxi's, I threw those fiendish foot traps in the trash and never looked back.

fashion riddle #79

2013-11-22T10:03:00.000-05:00

What does Kim Kardashian...

and a German sausage...

have in common?

She's packed tighter than a Weisswurst at Oktoberfest. Das ist un heiny biggen. Just sayin'...

your fashion prayer for the day

2013-09-30T09:05:00.003-04:00

erhummmm...

What does Brooke Shields and a bunch of Franciscan monks have in common?

Styled for Brooke Shields by Miss Bea Heyvin

Let us pray. God grant me the serenity to accept the fashion I cannot change, the courage to change the fashion I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen. ~Miss Bea

oh those funny fug girls

2013-09-18T00:43:00.003-04:00

You have to watch this slideshow the Fug Girls put together along with their commentary. Perfectly sums up New York Fashion Week. Enjoy! Miss Bea

THE GOOD...Chado Ralph Rucci

THE BAD...Zac Posen

and THE INSANE...Thom Browne

dear carrie fischer

2013-08-31T21:31:00.002-04:00

"A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

Rebel designers attempt to steal Princess Leia's secret plans to recycle Darth Vadar's cape into fashionable women's wear. The Death Dress, an ill-fitting shapeless black hole, had the power to destroy an entire career and make fashion mavens cry. Pursued by the Empire's sinister agents, Princess Leia fails to see the flaw in her plan that crash lands her on the worst dressed planet in the galaxy."

Styled for Carrie Fischer by Miss Bea Heyvin

With you may good fashion be...yesssssss, Miss Yoda Bea

Downton double take

2013-08-09T09:45:00.000-04:00

To quote the Dowager Countess, "This always happens when you give these little people power. It goes to their heads like strong drink."

Dear dear Lady Mary, the fact that the event is hosted by Carnival and Viking Cruises does not mean that you need to dress like the cruise director.

Styled for Michelle Dockery by Miss Bea Heyvin

Wait...who is this again? LADY EDITH??!!! No way...she's so adorable...sans the kitschy piano dress.

Styled for Laura Carmichael by Miss Bea Heyvin

Are there stylists on the other side of the pond? Or could Julian Fellowes maybe just drop a couple quid and treat the Downton girls to a little Rodeo Drive R&R?

Hurry up Season four! Can't wait, Miss Bea Heyvin

little red dress

2013-07-31T10:35:00.002-04:00

The "LRD", although not as popular as it's BFF, the little black dress, seems to be making a valiant effort to gain attention as of late. Here are some celebs sporting the trend as well as some budget-smart options for the rest of us. Hugs, Miss Bea

PS/Do you know what color shoe is most often worn with a red dress? See below for the answer. =)

Charlize Theron in Valentino

Alexa Chung

Nicole Richie in Valentino

Oh Helen Mirren, how do I love thee...let me count the ways.

Dorothy Perkins $40

Modcloth $85

Mango $70

Miss Selfridge $46

The shoe color most often worn with a red dress?...1)Black 2)Nude 3)Metallic 4)Red

can you say cash cow?

2013-07-14T14:59:00.001-04:00

As many of you know, I'm a huge Downton Abbey fan...yes, even after Julian Fellowes ripped my heart out last season by killing off Matthew. (grrrr...there's a place for people like you Mr. Fellowes...it's called Gary, Indiana).

Anyway, I guess the series mastermind isn't satisfied with the cash cow that Downton already is. So before the momentum starts to wane, he's decided to prostitute the whole franchise by riding the merchandising train to Hooterville.

At the end of April, the show's executive producer Gareth Neame told CNBC, "We'll be working across an entire range of products coming out this year. From fashion, apparel, and homeware and furniture to wallpapers, beauty products, and stationary."

Really?

Just for the record...

They didn't have air conditioning
They wore long sleeves and yards of fabric in sweltering heat
They lived in a musty old mansion
Underarm deodorant wasn't invented until the late 1940's
A daily bath would have been highly unlikely

So let's see a raise of hands...who would like to spend money on some toiletries bearing the claim that you can smell like the Dowager Countess of Grantham if you use them?

And who under the age of 25 even knows that "stationary" is something other than standing still...yea...goodluck with that.

The timely launch of some of these products by Marks & Spencer just happen to coincide with the beginning of the 4th season of Downton. How convenient. (she said dryly)

Here are a few of the first offerings:

patriotic street style

2013-07-03T11:22:00.002-04:00

Need some inspiration for the long July 4th weekend? Here are a few ideas of things to wear. You may have a few of the pieces in your closet already. Celebrate freedom and remember the cost. Land of the free...home of the brave, Miss Bea

dear laura linney

2013-06-15T14:55:00.001-04:00

I had no idea you were performing in The Book of Mormon.

Styled for Laura Linney by Miss Bea Heyvin

Break a leg. Better yet, break the bank and hire a stylist...Miss Bea

dear sarah jessica parker

2013-06-09T09:58:00.000-04:00

Me thinks this is just a tragic attempt to get your picture taken. I can't think of any other reason that a self acclaimed fashion icon would walk their child to school in this get up. I totally get that celebrities are normal people too...at least that's what I've been told. But even I can come close to duplicating this outfit from my own closet reject pile. Time to purge sweetie...and I don't mean lunch. Hugs, Miss Bea

i dream of...

2013-05-31T09:20:00.002-04:00

...looking this good when I'm 78 years old.

I grew up watching Barbara Eden in the 1960's sitcom I Dream of Jeanie. I never missed a show...I loved her! Recently she wore one of the original costumes at the 2013 Life Ball in Vienna.

...ba-dang...even if I did start working out regularly I don't think I could look this good. Come to think of it, I never looked this good. Must be all those years living in a bottle rather than being on one.

If you're like me, and you'd kind of like to rock the look, but you're pretty sure you don't really want to purposefully show off your muffin top in public, here's an option for you...and me too!

dear anna gasteyer

2013-05-18T08:01:00.003-04:00

Let's start with the positives. It looks like she combed her hair...and...uhmmm...she's wearing pumps...uh...let's see...and I think there has been some attempt at makeup.

But, if it were me...and I'm trying to get work in Hollywood...I think I'd amp it up just a smidge and at least try to look like I hadn't just come from a high school track meet. Bobbie Mohan Culp would at least have known enough to wear a belt.

Styled for Anna Gasteyer by Miss Bea Heyvin

things that make you go hmmm...

2013-05-11T10:11:00.002-04:00

I may have said this already, so please excuse the repetition. That seems to be my modus operandi since I hit my 50's and estrogen has escaped me like my bank account at a DSW sale. It never ceases to amaze me that the folks at the top of the fashion food chain, who are calling the shots and making design decisions that affect the rest of us, have the most gaudy, garish fashion sense of anyone else on the planet. How does this happen? Cuz if dressing like a wackadoodle can get you a high profile 6 figure fashion job, then Ima get me a ticket to ride the tacky train.

Now I think she's just toying with us...her
evil scheme to have us all wearing floral color blocking
just because she can.

Carine Roitfeld always looks like she needs an enema
and a good long nap.

If there were such a thing as albino bacon, Donatella Versace
would be the poster child.

DVF channeling Diana Ross. Please stop in the name of love.

The Marchesa girls...lost in their own accoutrements.
Okay...we get it. You do outrageous trims. Now let's see something else please.

Marc Jacobs styled by Minnie Mouse...
...again.

It's the Met Ball Zandra, not a "Goodwill Bin Dumpster Dive" contest.

You're makin' me crazy...Miss Bea

oh not again...good grief

2013-05-03T08:38:00.001-04:00

For someone who's net worth is $970 million, you'd think she could at least buy some fashion sense in the form of a stylist.

In case you've forgotten, we've seen these glittery football pants before. Why the heck didn't someone on her staff torch these when they had a chance. I don't get it...I really don't.

Martha my dear. No one...not even the most anemic fashion model would be caught dead in these spandex pedal pushers. You're 71. And unless your cardiologist told you to wear compression pants for your health, please, please do us a favor and shred them for your compost pile. It's a good thing, Miss Bea

Styled for Martha Stewart by Miss Bea Heyvin