Miss Devylish

To The Good

2012-12-19T02:17:00.000-08:00

I don't think I've ever let two full months go by and not written a single word. And though I've been letting the busy in my life take over, the quiet in my head made me sit down and write tonight.

Life has sped up drastically, though I'd say it's definitely improved when five months into a new relationship, I found myself moving in with my boyfriend who I can't imagine ever being without and I can see a future I really wasn't sure was ever going to happen kind of right in front of me. That's been pretty wonderful.. and challenging.

Not everything went as well as we'd hoped. Maybe three days after I moved in, a storm drain clogged and since we're on the ground floor, our new little lovebird nest took on some water that was significant enough to damage most of the flooring and two feet up in three separate walls. So this was super stressful and my belongings were still in boxes, which were in the way of everything and my cat was looking at me like I was crazy and wondering why the hell she was locked in the bathroom day in and day out for a very long weekend and strangers were in the apartment with large noisy saws and other tools scaring the bejesus out of her trying to fix everything. And my adorable boyfriend and I were becoming an old married couple right before my eyes bickering about nothing and everything that was going wrong because there was no where calming to come home to or wake up to and FOR THE LOVE OF PETE could we just fucking catch a break?

True story. That. No maybe about it. But the landlord paid for a weekend in a hotel, which was a welcome getaway, halved the rent since we were extremely put out for two full weeks and paid for the other incidentals as well. Due to his poor choice of contractors or maybe haunted grounds this apartment is built on (I don't know, just guessing), the laminate flooring is coming right back up in places, but not so terribly we can't live here so we're leaving it. We've informed the landlord, but only if it gets worse will anything be done and at that point, he'd better just find us another place or let us out of the lease we have til the end of next July because we're finally settled goddammit. Art has been hung on the walls and everything! It finally, FINALLY looks like a place we're both happy to come home to.

And though we've been pretty insular and focused on ourselves, we fell into shock and mourning along with the rest of the country on Friday when we heard 20 little, tiny lives along with six others were so tragically lost.

Hanging up art the next day seemed trivial. The Scientist and I poured over every new detail made available, even the gruesome ones. He let me sit and obsess over the laptop with tears running down my cheek and would hold me close when I couldn't take anymore and finally shut it for the day. We talked about the gun debate together so I didn't have to discuss it on social media because I just didn't have the energy to fight about it though of course I want things to change and quickly. And even with our hearts heavy, we found joy in working together, bickering here and there, but getting the art hung and making this little apartment our first home together. Our hearts are still broken for the lives taken unneccesarily because how can you not feel how shattered that little town is? We just have to move forward with them in our minds and hearts because they are.

That said, Ann Curry seems to have started the 26 Acts of Kindness and I'm in. I have no idea what I'm going to do, but I think I'm not going to think too hard about it and do my best to keep track.. and maybe it'll just become a habit in life. Wouldn't that be nice? If we all just did kind things for each other just because? Out of the goodness of our hearts. Not because of a national tragedy, but because we simply felt compelled to be generous and sweet and loving to our neighbor. Because it's contagious you know. And maybe it's a little cheesy. Maybe a stranger will look at you funny when you pay them a compliment out of no where or buy them their coffee because they happen to be behind you in line at the cafe, but so what? That ball will keep rolling and the smile you put on their face will spread like a virus. It won't prevent every negative in the world and bad things will still happen, but spreading good and kind and nice has never been a bad thing, right?

For now, I'm up too late, missing The Scientist who I drove to the airport at 5am this morning so he could spend the next 10 days with his family in Chicago. And though we decided this will be the first and last major holiday we spend apart, it's still going to be a really long 10 days. I'm so much more in love with him than when I first fell and the weekend's events have made me raw and emotional. It's a welcome change to lean on your partner in the wake of awful news. The single life forces you to be stronger than you'd like all the time because there's no one else to come home to other than yourself. So now I have a strong shoulder of support for these exact situations and yeah, it's incredibly comforting having him to come home to. I keep waiting for the co-habitating to be more difficult, but being with him has made so much sense, it's not really surprising to either of us that living together has been pretty easy too.

I hope you've all hugged your loved ones a little closer and a little harder and a little more often than you're used to. Even if it feels awkward, do more of that. We should all take each other a little less for granted and enjoy each moment a little bit more than we did before. I know it's easy to say following such an horrific time, but I know I'm going to try to carry those thoughts with me daily, even as this hurt eventually eases.

As we get down to the end of this year, I'm grateful for so many things - even the negatives, because I know at least one of those doors shutting opened the window that brought me this wonderful love in my life. I'd say things happen for a reason, but it doesn't always sit right with me, especially after last Friday, but I will say the good issuing from this situation is astonishing and though sometimes I'm disgusted at what we humans will do to each other, it's also often staggering what we'll do for each other when we're suffering and in need. Therefore, I continue to have hope we're not as lost as we sometimes seem.

Listen to this before you go because it's beautiful and it deserves the few minutes it takes to listen to them all.

Here's to the good. Let's spread more of that around.

The Three And A Half Month Mark (aka Schmoopfest)

2012-10-01T15:35:00.000-07:00

Beginning new love requires significant investment and over the last three and a half months while skirting my writing duties, The Scientist and I have been doing just that. Unlike The Professor, when we decided to make it official, he didn't change his mind two weeks later. By the fourth of July, bam! There I was boyfriended again, this time for realz y'all.

Though I was still nursing wounds, I wasn't so depressed that I couldn't see this fantastic guy in front of me. He wasn't making me guess how he felt or wait for something unknown to push him off some hypothetical fence. It was pretty clear by the end of our first date this was something different. I don't usually kiss on the first date, but we really clicked before I got out of the car and I just had to. I knew he wasn't going to pull the rug out from under me. I just knew. And he kept saying he'd never met anyone like me before.

After about our third or fourth date, we stopped counting. After less than two weeks, we were obviously a couple and a monogamous one at that. He ended anything going on with other people without me having to ask because he knew he didn't want to see anyone else. There was no insecurity about guessing what he wanted because he told me it was me. And only me.

I was falling pretty quickly and I understood what The Professor had meant when he said he wasn't getting fireworks. I've been in love enough to know what he'd been expecting, but our time together sometimes seemed so cautious that I just expected a consistency in emotions would hit us both eventually because we were pretty great together. But falling for The Scientist so soon seemed to be a clear indicator that The Professor had been right to let me go. Maybe he and I had been good together, but he wasn't sure about me and no one wants to be settled for. Certainly not me. The Scientist, on the other hand, made it clear I was everything he wanted and that made all the difference.

The man stops me mid-conversation to say, ‟God, you're so pretty. I'm so lucky." It makes me feel very sparkly and shiny like a new diamond he can't wait to show off. He gushes. This apparently is a big deal. He's never gushed about anyone before. To his co-workers no less. He racked up a $200 cellphone bill because he's never had a texting plan until me. The representative asked, ‟Let me guess.. new girlfriend?" and absorbed the cost into his new plan, thank goodness (though now we need to get the man a smart phone. I mean, his still flips. FLIPS for Pete's sake!). He thinks I'm beautiful, even without make up. He's schmoopier than I ever dreamed the right guy would be.. and sometimes I'm like.. dude.. snap out of it, but really, it's pretty fantastic. He can be incredibly sexy at the drop of a hat.. or pants. The man has fantastic legs. He's super smart, loves music, is wonderfully thoughtful and really funny, has brought me flowers for no reason at all and already more than all my other boyfriends combined. Nope.. doesn't suck. Not at all.

Surprisingly though, we haven't had the perfect honeymoon stage. We tiff frequently, which is unusual for me. There have been tears at least twice but The Scientist came with a past that'd hurt him severely and understandably, had some trust issues. And the emotional crisscrossing of going from the last relationship to this one didn't help the situation. The Professor was emailing from his European trip, which confused me because he sounded lonely and The Scientist was picking fights more and more frequently even if we had a perfect night out.

Trying to take care of myself first, I told the ex not to contact me anymore since he was the one who'd let me go and it wasn't fair to confuse me to the point it was putting my relationship at risk. Shockingly, he apologized sincerely and agreed with me. Though we've touched base a couple of times since his return, I'm not sure we'll pursue a friendship like we thought we might. It just doesn't seem like we're gravitating that way, which may be for the best.

And then for my boyfriend, he needed to feel more secure and I certainly wasn't going to break up with him over the process of working out our respective issues as a couple. From the beginning this felt like something we were in together, damn the consequences. So when an argument begins, even if it's awful, it's just an argument. It's not an axis our whole relationship balances on. That said, we were arguing way too much and as a child of dysfunction, I made it clear it needed to change. So after some really honest discussions, he committed to addressing his baggage with a professional by the next week. I was stunned. He wanted us to work, wanted to be free of what he hadn't dealt with in his past, wanted to do it for me and for himself. Admitting you have demons is a big deal. Taking them head on is even harder but I'm ever so proud of him. The change in him is noticeable and he seems to feel lighter.

And here we are. We both have some work to do, it's not all him, but we're in it regardless. We've been to two weddings already. One with my friends where only after three weeks of dating, strangers thought we'd been a couple forever. And the other more recently was friends of his in Chicago where the bride told me I looked better than she did because though I was older, I looked younger. Who does that at their own wedding?! We've now both met our respective families and his thinks I'm tiny too! Bonus! My mom barely talks to him, but that's my mom. She barely talks to me if it's not small-talk. My brother and sister-in-law really like him and we were even taken out by my bio mom and her husband when they came up last. Her husband actually said we reminded him of them when they were our age and first married. I tolerated his apartment move where he broke his hand due to punching a refrigerator out of frustration, went back to help his friends finish the move, bought them beer and pizza and a burger for the boy on the way back to the ER knowing he hadn't eaten in five hours. How awesome of a girlfriend am I? SO awesome. That's how. But he tolerated my absence to Burning Man for 10 days AND typed me a love note for every day I was gone despite his hand being in a cast. The latest love note he waited to give me until he could write it by hand after his cast came off and his words were so moving it brought me to tears.

Then there was our trip to Chicago. He was so excited to take me and I was even more excited to have a real vacation with him than to run off to the playa with my friends. He grew up there and was an almost overzealous tour guide though he was really cute how enthusiastic he was about everything from art to architecture to the food and history. It was really important to him I like the city I think because he views it as an extension of himself in a way. But traveling and spending all your time together in close quarters can also bring out the worst in a couple and sometimes, we'd tiff over nothing and he'd wonder why I loved him at all. But despite pushing us to our limits and bringing out our not-so-finer moments with each other, I love that we're honest in those moments. We don't sugarcoat what's wrong and it doesn't mean we love each other any less. We have a real life, we're a real couple, we disagree, we don't love all the same things, we have moods, and it's ok. We're also a team, on each other's sides and you have to have both. It can't be rainbows and unicorns and sunny days all the time. Besides, who can have a bad time in Chicago? We ate, drank, played and shopped. He spoiled me and it was lovely.

So this could be it. Forever? Who knows? That's a long time. But this one feels life-changing. We've talked about the future, kids and dogs (uh, no dogs for him, but he loves my cat), that he wants to live with me and is insane enough to think he wants to MARRY me and though it all feels kind of surreal and crazy, it also seems incredibly normal at the same time because of course, I want all those things with him too and it just feels like it makes sense.

I'm so excited to continue getting to know this man and be apart of his life. I'm so glad he's agreed to be apart of mine.

You just wait people. It's only going to get better.

Good Distractions

2012-08-06T15:15:00.002-07:00

14/48's Battle of the Sexes - the men's weekend. I swear I'm in this picture but behind everyone. It's the weekend I was one of three stage managers and we were crazy exhausted and it was the most awesome weekend ever.

Hey y'all - I've been busy being in love and visiting family on the coast and working and helping the Scientist move and shit just got crazy clearly. BUT I want you to head on over to the 14/48 blog where I pimp and will be pimping the next festival and the invited theater artists participating in it this coming weekend. Yours truly will have four interviews up this week of these truly talented and lovely people who are just a fraction of those who make up the veterans on the roster. This 14/48 is going to be one-of-a-kind and I'm so freakin thrilled to be writing about it! I promise to be back after the madness, possibly after Burning Man unfortunately because seriously, this is the time of year y'all know I get scattered.. and it doesn't settle down until after Labor Day.. but it makes for great stories and a pretty awesome photo album.

Cheers!

Door Closed, Window Open.. Check

2012-06-22T23:30:00.000-07:00

I don't like the sap who wrote that last post. Re-reading it makes me sound pathetic. Of course I was sad and that's ok. The news sucker-punched me and I was entitled to act accordingly. I'm still processing and letting go of the ideas the Professor led me to believe, the feelings I had.. or thought I had.. I swear I'm not even sure what exactly I felt, though I thought it was love.. or falling.. but it's over so they've stopped growing obviously and in that I found some closure and maybe an ability to finally compartmentalize? I don't know. I'm not crazy broken and I have moments I keep checking in and wondering why I'm pretty much kind of ok.

We met up again the following Sunday after our break up. I had a gift for him before he left for his trip and he mentioned that taking the space was the right thing. The days after had been pretty hard for me to get through, especially the weekend where I just felt listless and depressed and this declaration was the final kick I'd assumed was coming. Confusion and needing space to ‛figure things out' never seems to work in my favor. It didn't hurt any less, but the maybe's going around in my head were killing me. I hate limbo.

He started out with wishy washy feelings and quickly, the angry stage I was in took over and I pushed him to be clearer. Though I know he cared about me and never wanted or intended to hurt me, I figured his confusion was mostly from his guilt. I think I was partially right. I scolded him for being careless with me despite his cautious pace. He said nothing because he knew it was true. You don't ask a girl about her thoughts on children right before you ask her to be your girlfriend unless, of course, you're serious about her, which he'd led me to believe. I think he jumped in and went with feelings he may not have been sure of, but thought at the time it'd be ok because they'd eventually get there. Oops.

I don't want to be settled for. So if he didn't feel it, it was the right decision. We both cried and hugged it out. I reminded him we never had a bad time together. Not once. Maybe being blindsided was best because I never once worried the end was coming though I never took any of our moments together for granted either. I really didn't. I lived them fully and happily and that's kind of an achievement for me. So what if it was only like two and a half months? That's a pretty good improvement over my usual three weeks or the one before it that was a 10 day instant-relationship-just-add-water disaster. Still, we worked so well, part of me thinks he'll come to realize he made the wrong decision. I don't know. I'm not sure if I care. It's a gut thing. I guess we'll see.

And then Timing did something strange. The same night the Professor asked me to be exclusive, we ran into Boris at the bar where we ended our night. I hadn't seen or talked to him in nearly three years due to him just fading out of my life. Awkward at first, especially with both of us in opposite gender company.. mine clearly more intimate than his, but what we both noticed and discussed later was that our chemistry clearly hadn't faded. Not one iota.

We met a week after that to catch up and resolve the issues that created that big space in our past. It was really positive. I was happy with the Professor and Boris noticed I'd grown and seemed more grounded. I've heard that a few times recently now and felt really proud of that. And the ease we had with each other was like no time had passed, but then we've always been like that. I've never had chemistry with anyone like I've had with Boris where we can both feel the pull when we're on opposite sides of a room. It certainly made being friends and being single difficult back then because why not fall into each other when it was convenient? Surely, we wouldn't repeat that same pattern after all this time.

Yeah.. so, that might've almost happened once the Professor let me go. It was supposed to be just a friendly night, but one really good bottle of wine, some take out thai, a couple blocks for gelato, heaps and heaps of talking, a couple more not so great bottles of wine and remembering just what made the other one laugh in that special way only the other one of us could do. It was comfortable. It lent to some really honest conversation about relationships and not falling into the same pattern as we had before and because I'd just been crushed by someone who'd led me on, I didn't want to get hurt immediately all over again and he didn't want to be that guy either. I think begrudgingly, we both decided to focus on our friendship.. even if I may have stayed over right after we made that decision because it was a school night and incredibly late with all that talking and wayyy too much wine and we promised to be good except for maybe kissing of course and Holy. Crap. that is one thing I'd forgotten about us and actually, it was nice to be reminded of that particular thing we were good at.

Surprisingly, maybe that slip into comfortable arms was the boost I needed. I also may have slightly been in the angry stage because I renewed my dating profile online. What's the harm? I'm not dead and honestly, not trying to fill a void, I swear. I put the Professor away and though I'm still clearing out the residual, I really am putting that in another area to work out separately and new focus where none of that baggage exists because like I said, if I'm not right for him, he's not right for me.. so why sit in that and be sad? That's no fucking fun. And I'm fun! AND awesome! And you know what? I met someone pretty damn quickly who agrees with me AND thinks I'm pretty. AND tiny! TINY! I know, right? He's adorable, enigmatic, super sweet and smart, a research scientist at UW and in a somewhat metal-y type band even though his first karaoke go-to song was Suspicious Minds. His second was Motorhead. And he was amazing at both. Like scary good. Also he has crazy lung power. So much he didn't even need the mic to be heard. Not kidding. So. There's that. And the Scientist (from this point heretofore he shall be called) and I never stop talking. In fact, there's so much to talk about we forget what we meant to discuss because there were so many other good tangents we went on in our first two dates (and all our texts and emails in between.. um.. we talk maybe a lot.) Also? The Scientist is a really good kisser. Like.. for reals. So. There's that. I mean, if that's a void I'm filling, then so be it. No one should go without good kisses for long. I think that's a rule.. somewhere.

There have also been plenty of check ins from friends, happy hours, some group cookie making and thus following, group cookie eating because a good heartbreak recovery requires a good amount of chocolate and sugar therapy just as much as a weekend of all-day mimosa-ing.

Retail therapy hasn't hurt either and is much better for my waistline. My favorite thing I bought recently was the cutest little white, distressed-just-so kitchen table that works with my shabby chic style and replaced my Gram's antique formica one that I love but is too big for the space. A steal for $55 at the Fremont Sunday Market where I've found many a treasure.

Tomorrow I leave for a dose of family for the weekend and celebrating my twin cousins' college graduation (wow.. I'm old). Road trips always feel like a catharsis of sorts.. like I'm letting something go.. and this one to Portland will be no different. After family time, Pixie will entertain me Saturday night with her enchanting stories over what I hope to be many drinks while we both purge our recent hurts and I'll be back home Sunday night to be part of our video audition to get into the fire conclave at Burning Man this year. I may not be doing poi now, but I'll be doing fans for sure. Fans! ON FIRE! I can can spin them even! Carnies will want me in their troupes! Or whatever the collective of carnies is. Are. Whatever.

So here I go. Continuing. Hoping. Lighting shit on fire. Knocked down, but certainly not out. Not even close. Still fighting and propelling myself forward with all the bad-ass-ness I can muster, which let me tell you, is a fuck ton. Oh yes it is. High fives y'all!

Jinxed

2012-06-07T23:30:00.000-07:00

I talked a good talk despite my surprise at his confusion that seemed out of no where. I listened when I wasn't posing questions that continued to give me answers I didn't understand. I was calm when I asked if I'd done something wrong, but he said I hadn't. He said it was intuition, but didn't seem confident in trusting that himself and said it was often wrong. He said he wanted fireworks and it didn't seem they were developing. But again, he wasn't sure. He didn't seem to understand much more than I did, but he showed up to tell me what he thought was going on. He was honest even though it was difficult. I respected him for that. But eventually there was nothing I could do but look into his lovely blue eyes and handsome, scruffy face and let him go.

Then I cried. Sobbed actually. Enough to need tissues when he was in front me. So much after he left I think I only slept a few hours and woke up for work with a nagging headache and red, puffy eyes.

He needs some time to think. He has a lot going on - moving out of his apartment, packing for his five-week trip to Germany and he leaves in two weeks. We were going to spend as much time together as that prep allowed before he left since he doesn't come back til the end of July. Add in that two weeks he's still here and the fact we won't be together now and that space is about as long as we've been dating. It's a long time to hold out hope or not know if he's coming back to me or be sad because my experience says he won't. But maybe. I don't know. He promised to let me know as soon as he figures it out - whether that be before he leaves or at some point after he's left. But I can't be with him while he does that. And even that small bit of hope feels like it's just asking for further disappointment.

It sucks. I'm crushed. I know it's only been a short time, but this one felt like it was going to stick. We didn't rush, we had fun together, we worked well, we made sense. I mean we were pretty fucking awesome.. and still. No guarantees. I don't get it. I stamp my foot and yell at the ceiling like a child because it's really not fair.

Wednesday was hard to get through. Friends texted, emailed and sent supportive and loving messages on Facebook in response to my statuses I thought were cryptic and the stupid relationship change I swear I'd hidden from my timeline that spelled things out pretty clearly. Stupid Facebook. And after crying off and on most of the morning, it got a little easier by the end of the day. I had a nap, a shower I found myself hoping would rinse my sad away and didn't, but still felt a little lighter after. I met girlfriends for dinner and then we dashed to make it to the cute gelato place before they closed because gelato is a miracle cure. It is. Do not question the magic of gelato. You'll regret it. And not get any gelato. So. Just don't. Another friend met us there, then another joined at my neighborhood bar where my plan was to get completely shit-faced, but in reality, I hate the spins and I'm a lightweight.. so though I finished the first double one of my favorite bartenders concocted, I barely dented the second. I had to work today. Why kick myself when I'm down by adding a hangover? Don't answer that. I can't even wallow properly. I'm still too stunned.

Though I know this is not about me and purely about the Professor, I'm wounded and finding it hard to smile. But, I just finished the first three episodes of the second season of Downton Abbey and the weekend is filled with friends to provide plenty of hugs, birthday celebrations, a going away party and even a fancy-dress dinner with famous chefs. By Sunday, when there's nothing yet planned, I hope being social and pretending I'm ok translates into actually being true. I just have to keep going and continue the usual recovery stuff - drinking, eating, especially more gelato (seriously.. MAGIC I tell you!), and sleeping.. at least until I don't fit in my clothes or I'm not all achey in the heart anymore, whichever comes first.

Stupid heart anyway. Stupid things that are simply too good to be true. Stupid future I thought I saw. Stupid runny mascara. Stupid Universe that never helps a girl out. Sigh..

Perspective

2012-06-07T15:14:00.001-07:00

Eight days ago, a man, who clearly wasn't in his right mind, walked into a local cafe in the University District and shot four people. Two men died immediately. Another woman died later at the hospital. The cook who was shot three times, miraculously survived. One man sitting at the bar with his friends was saved simply because he went to the restroom seconds before the shooting. His friend who took his seat while he was gone wasn't so lucky. Not 30 minutes later, the same shooter car-jacked a woman downtown, a married mother of two, pistol-whipped her, shot her at point-blank range, and ran over her legs after stealing her car while she lay there dying in the parking lot. Two women and a homeless man came to her aid, but could only comfort her in her last moments. As the police surrounded him that afternoon miles away in West Seattle, he knelt down and shot himself. He died at the hospital that evening. Six days earlier, a father of two was killed just driving through an intersection near my neighborhood by a bullet meant for someone else. His parents and his children were in the car with him.

I've driven by that cafe hundreds of times. I drive through that intersection in my neighborhood at least twice a week. These weren't incidents of 2am gang violence. They were horrific tragedies that took place in broad daylight that suddenly brought perspective to regular people going about our day. The victims could've been anyone and, in fact, they were. And I know ‛regular' people die every day from random stuff like this, but Seattle has seemed relatively safe. The Capitol Hill Massacre almost exactly six years ago would say differently because it feels eerily similar and as horrifically sad as last week's shooting. And this shooting, by all definitions, was a massacre which stunned the city, left us all in shock for a couple of days while we mourned for strangers we didn't know, debated second amendment rights in general as well as for the mentally ill, didn't get any work done because we kept reading the next story about the victims, the people who knew them, and looking at pictures from every memorial service across the city.

Now more than a week later, people are back to living their lives, as well they should. Of course the friends and family of the victims are still grieving. I drove by today and the cafe still looks closed though the flowers and candles have multiplied exponentially. People were standing outside reading the letters to the victims and letters of outrage that cover the windows. It's a sobering sight. And it wouldn't be a proper tragedy if the Westboro Baptist Church wasn't planning to picket at the funeral of the mother of two because they think every negative situation in the world is the fault of homosexuality and because they're simply hateful and disrespectful asshats who Jesus would vehemently reprimand for being lousy human beings if he ever met them in person. But I digress..

You can't constantly live in fear. Nothing is guaranteed - especially life, which death is apart of. You have to keep moving forward as if you'll have another tomorrow, but you should, of course, appreciate today. Live in the moment. Tell those you love that you do indeed love them.. because you never know. Airplanes crash. So do cars. Hell, cannibalism is suddenly a thing. Who knew? And crazy fucking people shoot innocent people all the time. It sucks.. but it happens.

So I'm sure you don't need the reminder, but I'm going to say it anyway. Call your mom and tell her you love her. Just because. Send your grandmother a card. In the mail. Call a friend you haven't seen in a while. Don't text. Forgive someone who slighted you. Because in the big picture, it really doesn't matter.

Reach out. Hold on. Breathe in. Love.

Boyfriended

2012-05-28T15:02:00.000-07:00

It's official. I have a boyfriend. I'm boyfriended officially. For realz. Status change on Facebook and everything (though he preferred to keep it off Facebook so I didn't connect him, but still.). The first one in three years (THREE!). This is significant! And good! And there are lots of smiles and all kinds of happy between us. It doesn't suck. No, not at all.

After giving The Professor the room to do whatever he needed to do (think, process, determine I was the more awesomer person he was dating because duh..), he sprung the idea upon me after a lovely evening together of canoodling at a fight show I was stage managing, canoodling at after-show drinks and dessert and canoodling horizontally that's a little more than canoodling if you catch my drift and I think you do. He just looked at me and said, ‟I want you to be my girlfriend," very matter-of-factly to which I, of course, paused appropriately and then responded with a friendly reminder that there was still one other person involved and that would make being exclusive a bit awkward.. well, for her anyway. He said he'd tried to resolve that by phone that day but they ended up playing phone tag. He promised to address it as quickly as possible though and he did a couple days later. In the meantime, I squeed, giggled, did a little horizontal happy dance right there (let's keep it clean folks.. I was happy) and proceeded to call him Boyfriend every chance I got for the next 24 hours. And adorable as he is, he called me Girlfriend in return. I know.. it's cute. And gross.. but that's ok because I get to be gross. I did mention it's been three years right? THREE YEARS, PEOPLE, OK?!

I'm still surprised that this feels so good. We didn't suffocate each other by spending too much time together. We didn't lose interest because we only spent one day a week together at first. But suddenly there were a couple days a week and then most of a weekend, his birthday, overnights that lasted til the next afternoon, the losing of first names to ‛babe' and ‛sweet girl' (seriously, that one weakens my knees) and even a big chat the weekend before the labels about kids and if I wanted them or not. That was a doozy, but it didn't scare me, clearly didn't scare him since he was the one asking, and it made me think of a possible future I hadn't thought of with anyone in a long time. It felt real.

I'm sure we're at the beginnings of the honeymoon stage, but this weekend the hormones hit again and I've been irritable off and on and still, the man joked around, called me cantankerous while hugging me until I laughed at not being able to wiggle free, and refused to allow me to wallow in negativity. It was nice to have him there for balance and it made me feel very lucky because though I'm happier by the minute, this is so easy and natural and honestly, fun. It doesn't feel crazy honeymoony to me because it feels normal and lovely and kind of everything I want.

We can now talk about future planning.. say travel plans for Burning Man since we're both going, his trip to Germany in June for five weeks without being scared if we're together or not or who he's coming back to, meeting family.. that sort of thing. It's reassuring to know where we stand together.. because we're standing together. I dig that. And though love wasn't mentioned during that first conversation and I haven't had a boyfriend in recent years I didn't have that with before we were exclusive, he knows I'm already pretty close and feels he's headed there too or he wouldn't be in this.

I love that he directed the tempo of us and that I recognized that sitting in just a little bit of caution and making sure it was the right thing and wasn't fleeting could work. I've never had that kind of normalcy in the beginnings of a relationship, where protecting ourselves and being careful with our intentions actually felt romantic.. even if I was a little uncomfortable with the idea. Because now? The payoff is that I feel secure. I'm reassured all the time because I can see this is what he wants, not something I talked him into. I feel spoiled, I feel adored, I feel comfortable. He rarely stops touching me, tells me often how great and beautiful I am, is focused on me when we're in public, and everyone seems to like him.

I'm happy. I'm a girlfriend. And it's pretty fucking wonderful.

Holding A Torch

2012-05-16T17:54:00.000-07:00

My seventh blogversary (SEVENTH people!) at the end of April came and went because I was a little wrapped up in reveling in my newly-acquired time to myself after the latest show closed AND on my blogversary eve, I was actually doing this:

Oh those bright orange things on either side of me? That would be fire that I'm spinning. FIRE, people! And although I may be smiling, that's just me hiding the fear of knowing I could possibly go up in flames at any moment. And you know what? I DIDN'T! Unbelievable!

Looking cool with lit poi in your hands is one thing, but working that poi into submission effortlessly is quite another. My limited skills were clear, but it was my first time working with actual fire. I did pretty well considering I only know about four or five tricks and it was really windy and cold that night so that threw me off a little. Still, I did two rounds and was freaking proud of myself. Also? It's super loud. Louder than you'd think, which makes you feel quite badass waving these potentially hazardous and whooshing mini-torches around.

Speaking of holding torches (no, I'm not at all subtle - titles or otherwise today..), I had this thought recently that I was going to screw something up with The Professor, the adorably sexy guy I've been dating since the end of March and who I'm pretty sprung on. Later that particular week, I figured out why I thought that - my hormones went bat-shit crazy. I'd truly like to see chemically what happens to a woman when it's her time of the month because a little drop or increase in specific hormones can almost make her a different person. Sure there's always a well-known penchant for bitchiness - and I do notice little things get to me more during those times - but sometimes the PMS can be mellower or just all happen in one day (which is entertaining to witness I'm sure, but not to experience) and this time, I had this feeling it was going to make me kind of crazy.. and it did.

A few weeks ago, we had ‛the talk' about where we were and what we wanted - or rather mostly where I was and what I wanted. He was dating one other person and wasn't sure what he was feeling for me at the time, but said it was more than just fun. That reassured me a bit. It'd only been slightly more than a month. I'd stopped seeing the younger guy who was briefly in the picture because he just faded out. Someone else new came and went very quickly because I realized he was a player and I didn't need that. So I just wanted to gauge the potential, if any, for something long-term with The Professor and told him it was getting somewhat difficult to keep my emotional distance as we continued to spend time together. He was kind and thoughtful with his responses but noticeably reserved and though he left me a sweet note the next morning, doubts started to creep in.

That uncontrollable longing came over me, the one I didn't want just yet, and it was exactly when my hormones went awry. This wasn't logical. It was purely emotional - or more specifically, chemical - and I could control it if I wanted to. Except I couldn't. For three loooong days. He could tell I was trying to maintain from my texts, but though he responded with ‛Don't fret sweet girl,' at the end of one of his messages, which should've made me feel better, it wasn't enough. I just had to wait it out and talk to myself, talk to girlfriends, whatever. I limited my texts to limit the crazy and it worked. A few days later, that grey and suffocating cloud lifted, hormones leveled, and logic prevailed once more. I was feeling good where we were. Irrational freak out avoided.

But now, unable to blame any shifting hormones, I've noticed he lingers in my thoughts kind of all day. I'd like to meet his friends (I haven't met any yet, but he's receptive to it), I want to plan things more than just the coming week and weekend with him.. and yeah, I'd like him to decide he only wants to be with me and let this other person go. Duh.

I broached the subject last weekend. It felt like it was time to ask if this was still something he needed, seeing someone else in addition to me, and if so, could he make me more comfortable with the idea. Because I don't give ultimatums. That's not right. He needs to feel free to choose when it's right for him. That doesn't mean he gets an unlimited amount of time either. He knows this. He knows one of us will need to say it's time to be exclusive at some point. And though I'm ready for that, I'm not hitting my wall about it.. yet. I'm simply uncomfortable because the longer we date, the more in it I feel and the more I risk. He understood and assured me he liked me a lot, that seeing multiple people isn't ideal and not what he ultimately wants. He needs room to gauge though - his last two relationships were complicated - and I think it's fair to allow him time to figure out how he feels and what (or who) will work for him. Just because I know he's someone I could fall for doesn't mean he has to know if he can or can't about me yet. Everyone moves at different speeds and he knows this is a big deal to me - our slower pacing - but it's been a good thing, the evolution of it and he thought it'd get him to a place he was really sure of once he figured that out. Made sense to me and it made me feel better. I don't want anyone to settle for me and if it's not right, it's not. But we're all kinds of awesome together and he said he's not ready to decide we aren't right so onward we go.

Don't get me wrong, it'll hurt if he doesn't pick me and it feels uneasy to be more vulnerable than he is right now, but I think he's worth waiting this out for. And I mean seriously, how can you not appreciate a guy who lets you talk when you're feeling insecure, doesn't freak out, answers your questions, holds and kisses you during and appreciates you for being honest, direct and also not freaking out. That's a man, dear readers. It's fucking refreshing. Even my friends he's met see what I see for once. That's a good sign. And getting to know him has been great. We laugh a lot, we're both complete dorks a good amount of the time, the sex is pretty phenomenal, we both tend to run late (this we have to work on), I tease him about how much he hates ketchup because I love it.. you know, the usual figuring the other person out. He's smart, easy to look at, affectionate, kind, patient and supportive.. and our relationship has been really easy.......... Hm.. Yeah.. I just called it a relationship.

Fuck. I'm screwed.

Spring Awakening

2012-04-24T16:36:00.002-07:00

Well hellooo spring in Seattle! Where have you been all my life? Let's not talk last year because you were nonexistent and we're all still a little bit bitter about that. We actively live within the five stages of grief when describing the weather here anyway, but it's quite clear the population has missed you. Strangers smile at each other, drivers stop for pedestrians and slow down for bicyclists, the cherry blossoms brighten up residential streets with exponential amounts of pink and all is right in the world.

It's easy to feel the glow from the city when it's like this. Or maybe I've noticed that the Cute Boy Gate has officially been opened as far as I can tell even if it's been a bit of a rough start this year romantically. From one guy who led me on until finally saying I was just ‛fun' to the most recent guy who, after nine days together (NINE, people..), expected us to continue being inseparable because that's how we began. Seriously, who has that kind of time?! And, as I thought might happen, my feelings were squashed by the concept of something too instantaneous and the fact we didn't take the time to get to know each other. And when the guy in between started out sizzling but turned downright arctic in practically minutes, my confusion amplified, especially when he completely vaporized without explanation. That one stung because I thought he was actually a friend. Crappy realization that was.

Four months into the year and I seem to be racking up the discards. At least one was a poor decision, but the others.. well ok.. maybe they weren't the best decisions either, but every opportunity deserves the benefit of the doubt in order to know if it's filled with hope or.. well.. doubt. And then out of no where the sun breaks through the clouds, lightens our outlook and the weight on our psyches and a new and attractive prospect falls in our lap. A slightly ginger prospect, a year older even and one who so far gets the concept of pacing, chemistry AND real connection (and not just the horizontal kind.. tho that's rather mind blowing too.. ahem).

But asking for pace requires patience and some effort on my part to remain a bit detached even if I'm enjoying our time together. It's not terribly difficult, but it's not easy either. I mean, I am me.. and who doesn't get excited about meeting someone new with whom you click? That said, it's not making me crazy if I don't hear from him for a day or two either. Could it possibly be I'm starting something the right way for once? Did you just knock on something wooden? Because I did. You should too. Just in case.

One might think with this entry into being 40 I'm finally figuring out how relationships should work and evolve and yet the beardless youth think I'm more their age than my own. I'm really not supposed to be a cougar, I swear. I have a youthful face and an energetic nature and I'm not going to apologize for either, but it can lead to complications. Take the other cute boy I'm dating who is just that.. a boy. Of 25. True story. I'll give you a second to do the math. Doo doo do doo.. Oh, not mathy either? Fine. He's 15 years younger. FIF-TEEN. Do you need a minute to recover? Because, even I'll admit, that's a little cray-cray... because 25 year olds? Um.. super cute and all, but they're a teensy bit.. um.. what's the word? Oh yeah. Young. Oh he's sweet and a good guy and has somewhat limited life experience, which in and of itself isn't the complicated part. I mean, for an old lady like myself the attention is really flattering - not to mention how often he tells me he thinks I'm sexy - but from the beginning, he knew that I was cautious because of his age and because I really like the other guy I'm seeing even if that relationship isn't exclusive right now. And because I do have a conscience, it feels a little like I'm leading him on even though I've been honest and clear with him. Still, for his meager years, that boy certainly knows how to lay a kiss on a girl that makes her knees weak. So I don't think we're meant for each other and this probably isn't a surprise to him, but I shouldn't let it go on much longer.

It's a perk of casual dating to be able to be open to other people if they so happen to come along and spring seems to be one of those seasons where that often happens for me. I'm certainly not immune to the weather changes here and my serotonin and Vitamin D levels peak just like everyone else's once we get a week's worth of steady sunshine. And duh, it's easier to feel more attractive when you're smiling. So when you meet another new someone you're quickly drawn to who's easy on the eyes AND provides witty banter and has um.. really nice arms and pretty blue eyes while you're at a friend's potluck and the sun is setting.. yeah, I'm glad I'm not monogamous with one person per se. Possibility hangs in the air even if nothing actually happens, but it's freeing to know if something did, you wouldn't be doing anything wrong. I'm grateful at the moment not to feel that uncontrollable longing for one person who doesn't seem sure about me yet. It's actually nice to be in the same place emotionally or uh, unemotionally (?) but still enjoying being in the moment and the time we spend together. The magic of that is the spark you have might just turn a corner one way or another and maybe at the same time which could mean something amazing and life-changing or something that was really fun and lovely, but short-lived. As long as the latter doesn't feel negative, I'm ok with that.

I'm alone, but not lonely. I feel a little Thoreau-like these days - content in my solitude when I get it, though, let's be honest, I'm not isolated in the middle of the woods either. I'm a pretty social being, but I'm not uncomfortable if I don't have plans of some kind and end up on my own. Sometimes, I prefer it. Of course, the frequent male attention has been particularly nice, I'll admit. But how can I not get a kick out of enjoying my own company? I find little things to entertain myself at the gym in my head to pass the time and the fact that I'm there working out my body regularly these days rather than sitting on the couch inspires me and makes me feel proud. I'm learning to spin poi (as in fire spinning for those of you non-burners who don't know what that is) and the intricacy of learning a new skill that has the potential to amaze is pretty fucking awesome. The goal is to work with real poi and light them up next week. If I don't light myself on fire, I'll let you all know. Hell, I'll write about it even if I do. And the show I'm working on is winding down, but I've made a positive impression now and feel like I'll be working when I want to on good projects with good people. Even that ego-driven side has shown to have generated some genuine kinships.

So raise a glass of sangria or a cup of gelato in my name and celebrate the glory of spring because you should. You really, really should. Get out and breathe in the flower-filled air, find the magic and hope in the sexy spark of someone new and relish the fact you're learning how to prevent from getting burned in the process.. finally. At least until you throw some lit poi into the mix. Or is that just me? Stand by with a wet towel just in case, yeah?

I Heart Me(n)

2012-03-23T00:55:00.000-07:00

When I was in second grade, I distinctly remember being terribly lovesick over the same boy my best friend, Laura, also liked. His name was scribbled in every possible fashion all over my book bag. At every recess, I'd pick daisies to bits chanting, ‛He loves me, he loves me not..' until I got the answer I was looking for. I don't remember talking with Laura about more than how cute he was, but I'm certain we never talked about sharing him and I distinctly remember that. During show and tell we'd sit on either side of him and he'd put an arm around each of us. For reals. Clearly we were way ahead of our time.. though now that I think about it, it was the 70's..

There's no doubt I've been boy crazy all my life though it's never been more incriminating than recently when I found my Hello Kitty diary listing a different boy's name at the end of almost every entry. Passionately scripted with an ‛I heart' whomever was the flavor of the day, I wondered while reading it as an adult if I ever thought of anything else. And honestly? Not sure I did. My college journals, though much angstier and a better vocabulary, read basically the same way. I sound terribly desperate, like I'm trying too hard, and just so incredibly naive and hopeful - as in totally setting myself up for heartbreak. I don't think I'm as naive - more jaded than anything now - but I'm not sure much else has changed.

It takes some work - to walk the line of being ready for a partner and not looking so hard for one that you seem desperate. It also seems like it's a bad thing to want one - as if that makes you seem weak, like you don't think you're completely whole without a boyfriend. And that's not the case at all. If it was, I'd never be single. And I'm single most often. I've lived in Seattle for about 17 years now and I've had four serious boyfriends. Four. Each lasted a year or less so really, that's not a lot and other than the first two, there was a massive amount of time between the rest.. like eight years. I wasn't holed away in a convent or anything during that time. Dating just never worked for longer than a few weeks or maybe something on and off for a month or two. And since the last one, in 2009 - well, you can do the math there.

There have been options.. good people too, not all liars, cheaters or wishy-washy types, though there have been plenty of those, but they're just not the right ones for me and I don't think I should settle. So if I rush into something, I'm foolish. If I don't fall for just anyone who's into me, then I'm too picky. Judgy much? And, of course, the ones I've crushed out on haven't felt the same way, aren't in the right place, or a combo of those two in addition to having left the country. Yes, really.

So I'm single and it's not a curse. I'm good on my own. I'm meeting heaps of new people, especially some kickass women who are becoming great friends. Writing is fabulously satisfying (if not always grammatically correct) and I threw out an idea I had to a playwriting friend of maybe writing a play about meeting my bio mom and he fully supported it. Another friend thinks I should look into a career in social media marketing. I mean, I feel like something is on the verge - not that I have any clue what that might be. A person or a thing or an opportunity is about to fall in my lap. Not sure how I know this, but something's coming. Seriously, I've been humming that West Side Story song. It really feels like that.. but you know.. with less dancing and much less stabbing at the end (though there has been a copious amount of karaoke with different groups of friends wherever and whenever we can get mic time - gay bars, karaoke bars, chinese restaurants.. we don't discriminate. Come out with us. If you can pry the mic from our hands, it's your turn to sing.).

Though, since I started this post, I met someone. Weird right? It's been a week since our first date last Thursday and we were basically inseparable for the first four days. I want to gush and be in the moment, but here I am trying to be logical this time and attempt to slow down what already started to snowball into what I think could be a good thing IF we don't fuck it up. It makes sense. I got burned last time I rushed. Though I was also burned when I took my time because I felt led on. And this one says he never rushes.. and he finds himself doing just that because he says he's ‛totally infatuated', which he also says he never feels. Um.. ok.. here's where the too-good-to-be-true anxiety kicks in where I think it should all line up, I'm getting everything I want, we spend a few fantastic weeks together and then BAM! He'll turn on a dime and disappear into thin air. He'll tell me he's seeing someone else. He's using me to cheat on someone. He's not ready because he just wants something casual.. or not at all. And listen - that's my brain being scared, wondering how I protect myself this time because getting hurt sucks. Hurting other people sucks. I want to be wise about this. I like him. He seems like a good guy with a good heart. He's super cute and smart and a snappy dresser (which you can't say about everyone, people.. no no, you can not.), a burner and we have things in common and he thinks I'm gorgeous and that he couldn't possibly get sick of me. Like seriously. He said that. And he's not a player. Get this - he thought I was. As in, he thought I was sooo pretty I couldn't possibly do more with men than chew them up and spit them out. Right? High-larious! He thinks I'm that kind of pretty! It's sort of a compliment.. when you think about it.

It's different to be told someone is willing to take a chance on you when they don't normally take chances. I want to believe it, but it's a risk at this early stage. So I planned a first date with someone else. Yes, I realize how that sounds.. like I'm messing up a good thing already. He agrees with you, dear reader. And, I'll admit, even with it all up front, it does feel funny. Earlier last week, I had no one to consider. Then a recent chance meeting at a museum of someone I kept running into anyway and suddenly, random guy is possible boyfriend material at the same time I go back to the online personals and one of the few possible glimmers of hope in that hot mess of single, D&D fanatics hits me up. What to do?

I don't think it's unreasonable to meet up with the second guy and see what, if anything, transpires. Most likely, nothing will. New Boy, however, doesn't see it that way. Had I done this a month into seeing him, I'd understand. If I was pursuing more options than this one guy who messaged me at the same time I started seeing New Boy, I'd get that a little too. That's not what's going on. We've been dating a week. We spent an inordinate amount of time together the first few days, and I'll give you it was really great, but you have to come up for air and be your own person and take time to see your friends, clean your apartment, do your laundry, veg.. I don't know.. just be without this new person once in a while so you can figure out if you miss them, if you're thinking about them, if you can't wait to see them.. but you can't do that if you continue to spend every possible second together, right? It's addicting to be into someone that much. I get it, but I also know myself and once in a while, when this has happened, the momentum of emotions disappears. Out of no where any feelings or attraction I had vanish and I can't get them back. I can't explain it when it happens because I don't understand it myself. All I can conclude is that we moved too fast, things happened too quickly and I need out as soon as possible, leaving someone hurt in my wake. It'd be great to.. you know.. avoid that.

So how do you find the balance of starting something new when there's excitement and connection and great sex (because hellooo.. I am in my prime, people..)? Good question.. because I swear it's all or nothing sometimes.. feast or famine when it comes to my luck with men. Most often they only want me when it's convenient for them, which isn't convenient for me. Then occasionally, they want me so much, they don't want to let me out of their site, which after feeling starved for affection, is a nice change, but that sort of deluge can be suffocating. Even a starving man will get full eventually and need time to digest before his next meal. That's where I am now. Digesting. Letting someone in, but only so much, because you shouldn't eat your appetizer, main course AND dessert all at once. And seriously, where's the cheese course in this analogy anyway? Mmm.. cheese.

Bling 2.0

2012-03-06T02:03:00.001-08:00

Did you notice? Miss D got herself a little facelift - and by little, I mean like whoa.. right? The watercolor was lovely, but it didn't scream me to be honest. Now, there's a kick, some sparkle, my little devil girl is back and she even brought her new bff to keep her company. How I'd missed her sassy, little pitchfork.

Clearly, I had help. The lovely people at Leelou Blogs, specifically Brooke, came to my blah blog rescue. She's still tweaking a couple of little things, but I wanted to give the girl props because she's awesome-sauce. Thank you, Brooke! She didn't even argue with me when I asked her to remove one of the dots from the ellipsis at the end of the tagline in the header. And, while we're on the subject, for the record, I know a proper ellipsis is three dots. I do. I don't know what it is, but I think two are just more aesthetically pleasing. Three imply a much longer lull at the end of the thought than I ever intend. I don't want you hanging there forever. Just.. briefly. And then move on. See? I don't need a pause you can drive a truck through. Don't you have things to do? Because I do. So take a beat and then let's get a move on. Yes, of course, it's grammatically incorrect, but I'm making a stylistic choice to be wrong. I've used ‛tho' as an abbreviated version of though, which I just recently decided to give up because maybe text speak really shouldn't have a place here.. so ‛thru' also now becomes through because I'm a grown up and I know how to spell and I should feel blessed because there are people in the world who aren't so lucky. Yes there are. So it's time to use my powers for good.. but I'm keeping my two-dot ellipsis. Capisce?

Anyway, if your space is craving a little spring in its step, give the seriously talented and gifted artists at Leelou a shout. You may have to wait a little.. they're kind of popular. But when it's your turn, man do they make you feel like the prettiest girl at the dance. And don't we all deserve to feel that special once in a while? Complete with a little pixie dust and glitter? Hell to the yeah, I say.. with a wink even.

Don't Give Love A Bad Name

2012-02-16T13:58:00.000-08:00

Maybe I'm in the minority, especially being a single woman, but I'm a fan of Valentine's Day. However, it seems to have only two collectives : the bitter, single folks who are committed to anti-celebrating the day or the schmoopy couples trying to enjoy it without alienating their unattached associates. Valentine's doesn't have to be the only day you make someone you hold dear feel special, but I don't think anything is wrong with letting it stand out on its own as an extra day for being generous with love no matter what the relationship.

That said, despite having a reason to feel bitter or jaded due to the most recent split last weekend (yup, it's pretty inevitable you're done dating someone when he tells you that you're more invested than he is, but he finds you ‛fun'.. and stops there), I refused to wallow for more than the initial day when I felt wounded. I was let go to find someone who wants to spend time with me, wants to invest, wants to hurry up and finish whatever it is they're doing because they're excited to see me. Not that I want to go looking at this very moment or even soon really. Before New Year's, I was doing really well on my own and I'm pretty happy otherwise now, but a few years ago, I wrote this poem to myself and I found it yesterday. I knew while reading it I still felt the same way. Sometimes it's ok to let things go on as they are, not worry about where it's going and other times, there's a point you reach where you have to acknowledge maybe you're in different places, have disparate feelings and don't want the same things.. so thus, even if they're a lovely person you have a hard time getting out of your system, you have to let go and move forward. I don't want to be negative about this hope of having a partner, but I don't want to be desperate for it either. And this last disconnect is a slight jab to the ego more than a sucker punch to the gut, for once, and that tells me ending it was the right thing to do.

Besides, I had a great day spending time with my 3-year-old charge, Jack, who couldn't have been happier to see me when I picked him up from pre-school. His run-on sentences included the cookie making (and eating) they'd done at school that day, how much he liked his best friend, Adam, who his mommy calls ‛a nut job,' and how he couldn't wait to pick out cupcakes for his brother, Liam, his dad and me.

(If you're ever in Seattle and think to yourself how much you suddenly want a cupcake, you have a slew of options, but the best place in the city, maybe anywhere actually, is Trophy Cupcakes. By far, their best is the red velvet, but they had a lot of special ones created just for Valentine's and I indulged in the chocolate raspberry that didn't suck. No, no it did not.)

Then, surprisingly, after settling into one episode of The Backyardigans, the Universe gave me a special Valentine's gift.. Jack fell asleep. For a little boy who no longer naps, this was a really rare reprieve from his usual rough and tumble energy and I was ever so grateful to have a little break before ending my work day.

I thought I'd have an evening to myself of making dinner and indulging in a Ryan Gosling movie, but I convinced myself not only could I do that anytime, but it was silly to stay home on a night I wanted to feel a little more special with or without the romance aspect. So my friend, Brady, and I decided to attend the poorly titled Laugh Lover's Ball comedy show because laughing never sucks. And when accompanied by drinks it's even better. One of my favorite comics, Jackie Kashian, was performing and she didn't disappoint. The only odd duck in the group was the comic listed as an alien. True story. And ohhh.. he was not terribly funny and in full costume and make up, the likes of which belonged in a Star Trek movie. Poor guy was heckled by an outspoken woman who didn't get his jokes satirically mocking Mexicans, women, male dominance.. you know.. things one shouldn't joke about, satirical or not. He shut her down pretty gracefully, but we all breathed a sigh of relief when he finished. Our other favorite comic that night was Ryan Hamilton and you can see part of the act we saw from when he was featured on Conan. It's a shortened version, but the bit about hot air balloons and wicker baskets slayed me.

I think I'm going to make the comedy thing a tradition now that this is the second year in a row I've accidentally spent it that way. Last year I just happened to be in L.A. and attended The Benson Interruption (with Nick Swardson, Garfunkel & Oates, Anthony Jeselnik, Al Madrigal and Sean Cullen - fucking amazing! You can get that episode for $1.99 and seriously? So funny..) at Largo with a couple of college girlfriends who I hadn't seen in more than a decade. Not only does it completely take the pressure off the holiday, it pretty much gives the finger to every commercial reminding you that you're a loser if you're single and you should propose if you're not. I love love as much as the next person, but let's all get a grip shall we?

Here's to cupcakes, little boys who nap, men who don't waste our time, remaining hopeful, laughing, good friends, good drinks, not settling and being honest about what we want. I hope you had a lovely Valentine's Day and you know that you're loved.

Treat Yo' Self

2012-02-08T00:30:00.000-08:00

I'm just about finished with last year's catch up and am entering the holiday period that was one of the easiest I've had with my family in ages. I realize Valentine's Day is around the corner, a holiday I often mock incessantly or simply ignore (read: because I'm single. Stupid extra holiday created by Hallmark.), but I'm unclear what will, if anything, unfold on this lover's holiday and without having any expectations about it, I'm focusing on making it a day filled with opportunities to be kind and warm to those who are important to me. And if there's anything else special that happens, then double awesome.

So in light of the combo of December and February holidays, I decided to make this post a little gift list for your (un)intendeds or simply things to get yourself just because.. well, because as Tom and Donna say on Parks and Recreaction, you should treat yo' self.

My mother's birthday is in early December. Yes, thank you very much you sarcastic gift gods because my mother is extremely difficult to shop for as she just buys whatever the hell she wants for herself All. The. Time. whenever she thinks she wants it. Not only do I have to be incredibly ingenious for her birthday, I have to double it for Christmas and honestly, you have no idea how challenging it is to get her a) something she doesn't already have and b) something she actually wants and will not then re-gift right back to you as she's done in the past to her own daughter.. which would be me. I give you Exhibit A:

FLASHBACK

‟You wear scarves right? You should take this," she said nonchalantly, handing me a silky beige and brown scarf that I instantly recognized.

‟Is this the scarf I gave you last year for Christmas," I asked shocked.

‟Oh. I guess it is. I don't wear them though," she answered as she turned and casually walked away leaving me dumbfounded.

‟Uh, next year you get cash, lady," I shouted loud enough so she could hear me in the other room. ‟Unwrap that!"

So I thought I'd hit the jackpot this year when I not only found what I thought was the perfect birthday item, but got it there a whole day early! Though Mom usually only reads the latest Danielle Steele novels, she loves Diane Keaton and she'd just come out with a memoir, Then Again, which sounded lovely and touching when I'd heard her talk about it on The Daily Show. I thought Mom would love it, but love might've been a strong word. Lukewarm would better describe her reaction since she was ‛already reading something' and it seemed to bother her that she had a whole other book waiting for her when she finished her current one. I don't know. Your mom is nice, right? Get it for your mom. Get it for yourself. It looks good. My mom is weird.

After my mild success (well, she hasn't re-gifted it yet..) with Mom's birthday, I moved onto holiday shopping. Continuing with books, my brother loves to read about history so I found this awesome book called A History of the World in 100 Objects, ‟..one hundred man-made artifacts, each of which gives us an intimate glimpse of an unexpected turning point in human civilization." Cool and interesting, right? I thought so. Then, accidentally, I found another book I knew his warped sense of humor would dig, Me Write Book: It Bigfoot Memoir, by Graham Roumieu, which is one of the funniest things I've ever picked up. With watercolor illustrations that only heighten how much you'll be laughing.. like that silent-can't-catch-your-breath laughter. AND there are TWO other books! Hilarious. Go get them!

‟Why you no belive me? Why Bigfoot lie about being abducted by alien? Even get it on video tape. ‛Expert' say it fake. Say I stage. ‛UFO pie plate' and ‛Bigfoot just person in gorilla suit.' Yeah, and this glow stick in rectum just get there all on it own."

Now my sister-in-law is super easy to shop for because she usually likes the same things I do so when I found ModCloth, I knew I was in trouble because everything I got for her.. um.. I maybe wanted to keep. For example, this ring? Freakin awesome and looks like pretty mini fireworks on your hand. It only came in one size and don't think I didn't try it on because I did, but it just didn't fit right. It fit perfectly on my sister-in-law and she loved it. Yay! I also got her some pretty eyeshadow in Dragon Scales and maybe got myself that one and the one in Nymph. What?

To follow up Mom's birthday even though she told us not to get her anything for Christmas, I knew she'd been talking about the domino game we played this summer at the Oregon Coast. It's not a big ticket item, but you did read the part that Mom is hard to shop for right? Right. So. Mexican Train it was. And seriously? Play this game. SO fun! For realz. Also? Get the extra domino tray holders because it's just too many dominos to organize without them. Trust me and my OCD-ness on this, k?

To cover the maternal grandmother, my aunt and uncle and the family white elephant gift I actually bought multi-photo frames for pictures I personally took! Like who prints out pictures they took anymore?! Apparently I do! And they were good and looked all kickass framed and everyone loved them! And I can't show you all of them, but they may have been a few of the supercool pics from the post you see here.

You know what else I made for people? MADE! For OTHER PEOPLE! You could EAT them even! I was getting so crafty all up in Christmas' business this last year, I tell you. All freakin year I saved little jars from pesto and pickles and Greek olives and used them to package up homemade spiced pecans I gave to friends for gifts and they were quite the treat, if I do say so myself. I should know because I may have been the Quality Taste Tester for those babies. Try not to. It's not easy NOT to lick your fingers. But they're super quick and easy to make. You don't even have to bake them because you know you'll burn them if they actually go in the oven right? Ok, maybe that's just me. But this is by far my favorite recipe so try it. Emeril knows what he's talking about. And if you or someone you're making them for can't do spicy, you can eliminate the cayenne. They do have a little kick so you've been warned.

Last, but not least, the best gay wasn't spoiled last year because I just couldn't get it together and he always gets me a very thoughtful gift. For once, I told him not to bother because he spoiled me on my birthday and it was his turn to feel special. He loves to cook and he does complicated stuff like roasts and things I don't understand (I mean if it's not stir fry or a burrito.. (dude - you change up like two ingredients and you have one or the other.)). So my first idea was to create a Basket of Awesomeness with all kinds of specialty items I picked up at Pike Place Market, which is his favorite place for produce. There were two different kinds of cheeses and a fig spread from Beecher's Handmade Cheese, a small bouquet of tulips from one of the flower merchants, a bottle of my favorite Moscato from Pike & Western Wine Shop, and some crackers and chocolate from Pear Delicatessen. Then I wrapped up Anne Burrell's new book, Cook Like A Rock Star, which I'd seen her pimp on The Daily Show (Jon is my favorite Jew ever.. sue me.) and it sounded fantastic and right up Loren's alley. I took a peek when it arrived and I LOVE the easy way she writes, which is like she talks, which is like someone you could totally relate to and be friends with (though let's be honest.. her hair looks a teeny bit crazy). And she explains things so nicely and with lots of humor. But after the ‛little bites' chapter, it gets a little harder and was certainly beyond my limited expertise. And that's why I got it for someone else! Yay! I scored again! Give it to someone you know who likes to cook and wants to make the best homemade gnocchi for you and then tell me how that turns out because it looks fantastic!

Not to be forgotten, there were a couple other people on my list I had to cover. Shine had been thru hell and back last year after losing a close friend and roommate to cancer and Kristen who helped me throw my 40th birthday deserved something special to thank her for all she'd done too. I figured a 1-hour massage from a fellow Hippo, Nityia, at Thai Massage Seattle would do the trick for each of them and boy howdy did it ever. I haven't received any reviews yet, but they were giddy with excitement because who doesn't need a good massage once in a while? Seriously.

Phew! That's a whole mess of random recommendations for fancy, anytime gifts if you feel so inclined to spoil the people you adore.. including yourself. You're allowed. If anyone asks, just tell them I said it's about time you treat yo' self. Besides, you know it is.

Rites Of Passage

2012-01-30T19:29:00.000-08:00

Last November, I turned 40. Yes, really. If you've read me in the past (or even if you didn't), you should know I love my birthday. It's my favorite holiday. I mean, in my opinion, it should be a holiday, but for now, even though it's not, it is to me. It's at least as important as National Pie Day (there really is one . Seriously.. I mean a whole day dedicated to PIE?! Yay!). Three-day weekends should be incorporated is what I'm saying.

Debauchery was insured. I planned on forgetting the incredibly difficult show I'd just finished and all the negatives that surrounded it and moving forward with an unstoppable amount of positive energy. I did not fail. Not in the slightest. I'd planned an awesome party for myself. I have a talent for this. Seriously, you should have me plan you a party. I'm that good. It was at Clever Bottle in Belltown, the same place I'd had it the year before, however, since then, she'd expanded and the extra room was perfect for the added Hippos and friends made in the last year plus a little karaoke madness.

Kristen, the owner of Clever Bottle, was so psyched about my party and the fact it was the first repeat birthday celebrated at her bar, she added a few special touches. This menu? Amazingly sweet right?

When I saw the menu, I didn't have enough light for the picture. When you have techie theater friends, they always have a flashlight. Always. This was no exception.

My friend Sophia and I. I do lots of self snapshots at birthdays.. it's what I do.. And my bangs? Well they do whatever the hell they want apparently.

My friend Vince and I - and my friend Jon being funny. Eh.. I look good with bunny ears.

Oh.. did I mention there was karaoke? Aw yeah.. Kristen's treat and it was kickass. Also? I'm now a complete ham when there is karaoke. I maybe can sing a little and once I start, it's hard to get me to stop. Especially when I've been drinking. Also also? My dress rocked. Got it in L.A. at Wasteland last February. $20! Nothing in L.A. is $20 unless maybe your valet parking..

AM and I.. in a pink boa. Because, why not?

More camera shots at arm's length. This guy on my right (your left) could sing.. like Chris Colfer.. can't remember his name.. and the two lovelies on my left are Hippos - Sheena and Manita.

Theater people! My friends Lynn, Brad (my union guy from the last show I did and holy cow can he sing too) and moi.

The last ones left.. Brad, me, the owner of Clever Bottle, Kristen, and Stacey.. we maybe left to drink more. Needless to say, we didn't need it.

It was like any birthday party you've been to, if you'v been to one of my birthdays that is. And by that I mean completely awesome. I don't know what it is about my parties, but honestly? They don't suck. In fact, they're the opposite of sucking. They pretty much rock everyone's socks off. People tell me these things later, that's how I know. For realz. I looked awesome, my stupid bangs got in the way as they are wont to do every birthday it seems, but whatever, and, as you can imagine, there was drinking. Like a lot. And there was the singing of solos, duets, trios and strangers jumping in on the singing (not to mention the cake eating - well, because the cake was fucking fantastic so that's understandable (the chocolate white chocolate from Simply Desserts in Fremont in case you want to get in on that tastiness and trust me, you do.)) and more drinking and a bit of hangover the next morning, but ultimately, it all resulted in a giant smile on my face that carried into the next week. Maybe still actually.

You'd think that'd be plenty of celebrating and, for any other birthday, you'd be right (tho I have been known to have at least four birthday parties in a week's time. No really, I used to be the biggest attention whore. I've improved, I swear.). But this year, I planned an additional weekend as a birthday present to myself and ran away to San Francisco to see some Hippos who lived there. One of my Seattle Hippos, Citrus, who's the sister I never had, decided to come with me. Thank god because we were fantastically entertaining to ourselves.

You have to know one thing: Citrus is trying to teach me the value of being on time, which, for the record, I already know.. I'm just.. a little slow at getting it down sometimes. So, in an effort to prevent missing our flight, she picked me up via a town car, but she was five minutes early. FIVE. Do you know how much I can get done in five minutes? Well, I could've finished packing.. but she did it for me. After she THREW my bag and the last few toiletries I was trying to pack into the town car. Seriously. She CHASED ME out of the house. I cursed her name all the way to the airport jokingly saying after all the rushing and causing me to forget a few small things, our flight will probably be delayed. And of course, as luck would have it, it was. FOR THREE HOURS. Stupid poorly placed San Francisco Airport surrounded by even stupider wind and fog.

So what are a couple of lovely ladies stuck in Concourse A of the SeaTac Airport to do when they now won't arrive in San Francisco in time to even make last call? We drank. A lot (are you seeing a pattern?). At this uber classy bar (and by classy, I mean odd and poorly themed) called the Africa Lounge (see? And really, if we're getting grammatical - shouldn't it be the African Lounge? I'm just saying.). There are pictures of elephants and possibly wildebeests on the tables.. and that's the extent of anything African there. Unless Africans eat turkey sandwiches, nachos and drink vodka tonics. I think not.

We also texted, facebooked, tweeted (these got funnier the more we drank, obviously), made friends with the other now-stranded-along-with-us-San-Francisco-bound passengers who were also getting lit or texting us with updates from the gate, which we'd pass along to the rest of the bar. It made for a much more jovial group of fellow travelers when we were finally called to the plane for boarding. Hallelujah!

While delayed in Seattle for three long hours, Citrus makes the best of our time..

I love Virgin Airlines. LOVE them.. however, I do NOT love their headphones. Citrus and I apparently have tiny heads. Even at the smallest setting they were still too big so she ingeniously wadded up the wrapper they came in and put it between her head and the band. Perfect! She also looks like a muppet because the flash took out her nose.. hee..

Saturday, the next night, we went dancing at Mighty (super fun club despite its bridge-and-tunnel crowd). Miguel Migs was dj'ing, we got in free (yay!), and Citrus, the mother of THREE children under 10, danced us all under the table.. I don't know where she gets the energy.

Sunday morning, we met some gorgeous Hippos (Kiz, Citrus, Christina, and Erwin) for brunch at The Phoenix Irish Bar in the Mission. Really, really good food. Go there.. like now.

Citrus left after brunch Sunday and I stayed one more night with Christina in Nob Hill. Really cool area where we had dinner at Leopold's, this amazing Austrian restaurant where the beer comes in as much as FIVE liter steins! Christina shows off the one liter options with a smile. Mmm beer! Also? The papparadelle was freaking fantastic. Get some!

My amazing group of Hippos and our other non-Hippo friends who came along for the party.

San Francisco didn't disappoint. For two nights we stayed with our friend Matt (who for some reason I missed getting pictures of) in the Mission. He lives within walking distance of funky bars, overpriced but yummy coffee shops and tasty breakfast joints. And the weather couldn't have been better. I packed for windy and cool temperatures and it was about 75 every day we were there. Unseasonably warm for the second week of November and Citrus and I soaked it up as much as possible.

There was dancing, drinking and eating - not in any particular order - and then there was shopping. One afternoon in the Haight Ashbury District and that did us in. Citrus knew where to go and our first stop was Ceiba Records. I was so confused why we were shopping for music until we walked in and I realized they sold burner attire. And it was frilly and funky and supercool burner wear at that! I was in costume heaven! Well, then there was the sticker shock. Ceiba isn't cheap, but every single item I bought is adorable, locally made, original or just made my ass look fantastic. Can't blame me, can you? And I could've walked out with more, but I couldn't spend all my weekend money in one place.

Just a few blocks down was Gypsy Streetwear. Similar stuff, but different and much closer to affordable! I got itty bitty shrugs and sexy wrap tops and was grinning at the thought of my now well-stocked costume arsenal.

My favorite part of the trip is that everywhere we went, we had a different mix of Hippos. Whomever could join us wherever they could did and though they couldn't all do everything with us, we spiced our visit with as many of them as we could. The non-hippos included my long-time friend, Scott, who lives in Oakland, a couple of his friends he brought and some other burners I met last year at Camp DeMentha, Ed and Mark. I loved we could get that burner feeling without having to be at the burn. Dust-free, street-clothes comfy and everyone in their own element.

Citrus had to leave after Sunday brunch and I stayed through Monday with our friend Christina in her tiny but uber perfect little studio apartment in Nob Hill. Before the Hippos joined us Sunday night for dinner, we got a couple glasses of wine and some one on one friend time we didn't get at the 2010 burn where we met. You know those people who just glow? She's one of them. She's gorgeous to look at but you know she's a stunner on the inside too. I just love her.

It was her idea to have dinner at Leopold's and our group just kept getting bigger. And dinner? Holy. Crap. So. Good. There wasn't one drop of food left on anyone's plate. The restaurant was buzzing with celebratory energy. Large groups ordering five liter beers because they could, birthday songs being sung and my friends weren't going to be outdone. Ed stood up on his chair and demanded loudly the entire restaurant sing to me. And they did. Happily! Can I please tell you how great that was? Really great. Like.. SOOO great. I may have been beaming.

Last day in the city and I missed Citrus, but Christina, Smiley, Erwin and I met for breakfast at this darling bakery called La Boulange before they all had to be at work. Did I mention the food in San Francisco is incredible? I'm running out of appropriately descriptive words it was so good. Though they lost points for my bowl of coffee. You heard me. As in no handle. I'm sorry, but even hipsters who live in San Francisco need handles on their ceramic bowls of coffee, people. Please. I felt like a dog. Who drinks coffee.. just weird.

Headed back home, I was on a high from such a love-filled weekend that the next birthday will be hard to top. I have to admit though, 40 still, as of right now, doesn't sit very comfortably with me. It's just a small hang up though because otherwise? I'm in a good place with who I am, working on some things, feeling good about others, maybe a little shaky with my passion in theater, but finding connections to explore. Nannying is working well, I love the little boy I look after and it may finally go to something full-time soon. I'm learning how to spin poi (as in spinning fire.. ooh! Ever so cool and not easy! Sometimes rather painful actually.), which is very exciting especially if the possibility of spinning in the conclave at Burning Man actually happens! Writing here feels like I'm exercising a muscle I completely forgot about and takes longer than I'd like, but feels cathartic. And lastly, I may be seeing someone I'm excited about. I don't know how this is possible as all the funny, attractive, straight and single men in Seattle are taken or maybe just not for me. I don't know.. he seems to like me and he's kinda awesome so I'm just trying not to jinx it.

All good things. I'm happy and grounded.. not angsty at all. It's such a nice feeling after so much time of.. well.. not that. It's just.. being 40. That still feels like a nasty hairball stuck in the back of my throat, but being able to pass for 26 certainly makes that hairball a lot more bearable.

Oh, The Places You'll Go!

2012-01-19T15:00:00.000-08:00

I didn't write about my third trip to Burning Man in 2010. I'm not sure why. Eight months into a bumpy year of losing my job, a bruised ego, and trying to figure out what would come next, I stepped out onto the playa, into a camp I'd just joined earlier that year, and it began to rain. Hard. The playa doesn't take to rain well, at least not if you're trying to walk on it. It becomes a very cement-like type mud. Quickly. Luckily, rain there doesn't last long and about 10-15 minutes later, it subsided and left a fantastic and intense rainbow afterwards. And then it did the most perfect thing and doubled. You could hear cheers across the entire playa. The collective joy was infectious. I was Home. I was officially a burner.

You might think it odd I didn't consider myself a burner until the third time I made this crazy trip to the desert. I certainly participated to the fullest extent each time - well, mostly - but it can take some time to decide if that's what you want to be. You can lose and find your bearings within seconds of each other at an event where your bearings are constantly shifting because your comfort level is continually being challenged and you don't know what to wear or bring because someone is always wearing something better or brighter and there's so much to see you couldn't possibly see it all. Phew! For me though, it was a sense of belonging. I belong to a magnificent community now and It belongs to me. The community of Burning Man is the larger parental life-force, but I'm talking about the community of my own camp, Hippocampus.

My very first trip was phenomenal and new and shocking and so many other words I can't find right now that wouldn't describe it appropriately anyway. I knew there was nothing like it anywhere in the rest of the world. And I was there. To experience it all.

Pixie, who now lives in Portland and is a blonde force to be reckoned with when she's trying to convince you of something new, coerced me into the idea of going in the first place because, the smartie that she is, she suggested an offer I couldn't really refuse. She'd buy my ticket if I went with her. A free trip to Burning Man. In retrospect, this was an enormous gift. I don't think I quite understood it at the time, but the burn changed my life. Really and truly it did and still does. I'll always be grateful to that gorgeous girl for opening that door for me.

Afterwards, I returned to the Real World in an extremely calm and happy state and could only attribute that to the indescribable experience I'd just had - and all the Vitamin D from a week's worth of non-stop sun. I couldn't stop talking about my adventure and knew I was going back in the coming year. No question. I just wanted to be a bit more comfortable and wanted a bit more of an organized clan.

My second year I became a sort of Pixie. I talked up the experience so much that a whole group of friends decided to come with me. No tents this time, RV's instead and we camped with extended friends called Baggage Check who promised covered showers. I swear, a week of cleaning yourself with baby wipes will change you and not in ways you'd appreciate.

For whatever reason, my second burn was just meh for me. I'm so glad my friends fell in love with the playa despite my experience that year, but I expected to feel more at home and instead felt awkward and out of place. I didn't connect with anyone in our extended camp and I was distracted by the boyfriend I desperately missed because we were deep in our honeymoon phase when I left. The frequent and lengthy dust storms that year didn't help either so with two more days still to get thru, I felt defeated and wanted to go home. I needed a stronger community to surround me and knew before I came back again, I'd have to find that.

It's an understatement that 2009 was a difficult year. I didn't go to the burn because I didn't want to pretend I was ok. Your issues have a way of finding you in the desert because there are so many opportunities for being rubbed raw - and not in a good way. It's the desert. Even surrounded by 50,000 people, you can end up on your own and feel isolated within your own reflections. I'd been reflecting.. all year.. and I couldn't move past it. I needed to jumpstart my healing after spending most of the year being so depressed no one, including myself, recognized me. So I spent two amazing weeks in Barcelona distracting myself and trying to let go. It didn't magically fix everything, but I felt renewed and more positive so by the following year, I was finally grounded and whole.

2010 was the Year of the Hippo - for me anyway. Introduced by common friends, I noticed there was always a welcoming feeling when you walked into any Hippocampus party or potluck. Someone always reached out to me, the homes I was invited to always lacked that ego-driven first impression energy where people are looking you up and down or wondering who you're connected to. Instead there were hugs. Not handshakes. Hugs. As in a hug from everyone who met you and in a room of 20-30 people, that's a lot of hugging. It felt like I'd stepped back into the burn for a moment each time I met these people.. and tho I didn't quite know what to expect being involved with a working theme camp, I knew this was a better fit for me.

The Hippos are a fun group to be apart of despite the fact Hippocampus is a working theme camp, which means just that - you work a lot. There are domes to set up, shade structure to tie down, and cafe and dinner shifts to work. It could sometimes be frustrating and difficult, but the Hippos were organized, they got their dance on often and well, they're very present and open and they're really a very genuinely loving group of people. It also doesn't hurt they're really easy on the eyes - like seriously, our people are so pretty it's ridic. And even tho I didn't connect with many of them as much as I'd wanted to before the trip, we arrived at camp, right before the double rainbow moment and that was spectacularly good sign.

I had two favorite camp moments that year: when we volunteered at the gates for our greeter shift at the beginning of the week and David and Victor's wedding at the end of it. Each time it was something we did as a whole camp together and the energy and happiness just oozed out pores. You couldn't help but get caught up in it and who wouldn't want to?

The greeters are your last point of check in before you head into the playa. As a virgin burner, the greeters are in charge of beginning your first burn positively because we know the virgins are excited and nervous and have no idea what to expect. So once it's your turn to be greeted, they ask you where you're from and how many times you've been to Burning Man. If it's your first time, they ask you to get out of your vehicle so they can begin your official initiation. First, you're welcomed Home with a big hug and a huge smile. Then, since the dust is going to be in everything you own anyway, they ask you to get intimately acquainted with it and make a dust angel, roll around in it, whatever. Yes - many people protest, but usually they all give in. Lastly, they give you a metal rod and tell you to ring the bell closest to the gate and exclaim as loudly as possible, ‛I'm a virgin no more!’ This seals your entry, you're hugged again, because why not, and you're sent off with the sound advice to drink more water, don't put anything in the potty that doesn't come out of your body and safety third! Well, that last one is a Hippo saying we just find funny..

We met people from all over the world. I remember a girl from as far away as Dubai. There were car or busloads of Irish, Norwegians, Danes, Canadians, Israelis.. I mean, it was incredible to me to understand the hours of travel anyone from outside the states had to do to get there, but they came regardless. Last year, Burning Man was listed in Time Magazine's book, Great Places of History: Civilization's 100 Most Important Sites: An Illustrated Journey, so this one-of-a-kind event had finally been acknowledged as the magical place it is and I feel really lucky to live so close to it although many of the people we greeted traveled days or even weeks to be there and put my little 16 hour trip each way to shame. Greeting is now such high point of the trip for all of us, we've since made it a burn tradition and volunteer for a shift every year.

Our friend Sebastian greets a virgin at the 2011 Rites of Passage burn and is instructing her how to get down and dirty, so to speak, in the dust for the first time. You can also see the line of bells along the front of the gates.

Again from 2011's burn, Rites of Passage. At the end of our shift, we're all on our camp bus on our way back to camp. We were tired and exhausted because this was taken at 8am. 2010's shift was a Tuesday, 12pm to 4pm and it was hot like whoa. But this last year, we worked a Tuesday, 4am to 8am shift. A totally different experience. Shockingly, the line was much, much longer when we arrived to greet at 4am. This line at 8am was nothing obviously.

Then there was David and Victor's wedding. They're a super sweet and gorgeous couple from New York at the time who were/are long-time burners and Hippos. Getting to know them beforehand was fun. They reminded me of my best gay boyfriends in Seattle, very easy to get along with, biting wit if needed, but not catty. They're just very genuine guys who were/are madly in love. Their ceremony couldn't have been more moving and powerful for all of us. I'd never seen a wedding so eclectically dressed, but this was their second family and they wanted all of them, or rather, us, to be part of it. I felt extremely honored. We even threw them a super fun bachelor party the night before with our own Hippo lap dancers - one professional, one just for comedy. It was all kinds of awesome.

The happy couple picked out an art instillation to have their wedding under (which of course is not really pictured - sorry!) and their closest friends covered them with a canopy (it was extremely windy that afternoon).

Two of our group went around the Hippo circle surrounding David and Victor and wrapped ribbon around our wrists so we were all connected. I thought this was a really lovely idea.

Some of the hippos to the left of me in the circle. Our wedding attire was requested to be silvery or steampunk if we could. Hardly formal attire, but it qualifies as 'burner wedding' for sure.

Returning to the Real World after that was disappointing. We all emailed about our decompression depression because so many of the Hippos don't live in Seattle and after a week's worth of intense connection and everyone goes back home, you miss them. A lot. So to prevent disconnection in our own city, we began our own Seattle traditions. Almost every Friday there's a potluck at the home of one couple who also were first-year Hippos like me and luckily, live only two blocks from my house. We created nights of dancing and taking over straight bridge-and-tunnel type clubs who didn't know what to think of us when we showed up dressed to the burner nines. We have birthday parties and baby showers and celebrate New Year's together and some are in a men's or women's group looking for a bit more direction and evolution in their lives. I've reached out to many of them for support, love, advice, venting, laughter, dinners, costumes to borrow.. I mean it's my bottomless resource. They're people I want to emulate and they influence me positively. They're my chosen family. They've made me stronger, wiser, more patient, more open, more kind.. a better person overall.

Thank you, Pixie, for saying those three little words, 'Come with me.' It changed my life. Sparkly love to you and all my Hippos.

Only Fools Rush In..

2012-01-06T18:00:00.000-08:00

I'm just gonna start the catching up process where I left off in oh.. (Christ..) August. Yeah.. no, that's not daunting at all. *Smacks hand to forehead* Sigh.. you've been warned. These will be epic.

So let's start with things as much in order as I can remember. Bernstein. What a freakin mess that was. Unfortunately, this is what I get for rushing things. When will I learn this lesson? As you read this, keep in mind this was a one month relationship. True story. One month. I can practically hear you shaking your head. I know.. sometimes I'm that girl.. but hey, the first two weeks with someone can be so dreamy you lose track of real time. Love makes you fucking crazy. That's my only excuse. NOT that this was that.. but we thought about it..

We met a month before I left for the desert. He was in the upcoming cast I was stage managing (one of the worst ideas I've had in a long time.) and we both developed a big crush and twitterpations. Fast forward to two weeks later after we'd virtually spent every second together since he'd returned from a week away in Eastern Washington working with Seattle Shakes. At this point, we were both talking about some heavy feelings and I felt great about it. Still, we had to come up for air because not only was I prepping for Burning Man, but I was sponsoring my longtime friend, AM, into my camp who'd never been and it doubled my workload and stress of packing and coordinating all the million details required. There was also just basic day to day stuff like laundry and house cleaning that had built up because we'd been too busy being schmoopy and simply staring into each other's eyes like love-struck idiots.

I didn't explain the space needed very delicately to Bernstein - partially because I just thought he'd understand with all the time we'd already had together and partially because I honestly didn't have the bandwidth to be tactful. I had shit to do and a week left to do it in. Still, I made every possible minute with him count or at least I thought I did. He began to lose it on a regular basis - and by lose it, I do mean wig the fuck out. Seriously. For example, we'd just had a lovely morning together and I went to get my hair dyed and trimmed. Not a short appointment, but just 30 minutes into it, I got a text out of no where saying he wasn't sure of ‛things' to which I had to press for ‛what sort of things' and it quickly spiraled downward from there. I felt panicky and like I was talking to a crazy girl. But trying to be understanding, I cancelled my after-salon plans with a girlfriend I'd made and met him immediately to put his insecurities to rest and I thought that was that. He'd been reassured. He was definitely in it and wanted to be with me, I showed him he was important. We were good.

Later that week, I'd left to nanny for six hours. An hour into it, he starts up again. This time, I'm unable to get into it with him until that night after rehearsal because I have to focus on the children and I'm super frustrated he tried to handle his feelings this way again. He goes back and forth with his texts eventually apologizing for putting me on the spot when I can't talk face to face. And I'm at a loss. How did I become the reasonable one in the relationship? That's new. I mean, I'm the sensitive one. I want to be the priority. I don't understand why guys need so much space, etc. And somehow I knew this was the beginning of crazy. I just hoped I was wrong.

We worked it out but the week of Burning Man was swiftly approaching. He was clearly out of his element in understanding what this trip and my friends who are apart of it meant to me and tho I spent time with him, tried to explain it, let him know I'd be coming back to him and was so excited to share my adventures, I wasn't sure he really got it. Our communication was good in person, surprisingly, but we'd have whole conversations over text because honestly, I hate talking on the phone after working in telecommunications for 10 years. My bad, I know. After the second time he freaked out, since we did so much chatting with text, he asked me if we could promise not to do anything drastic over it. Asked if there was an issue, we meet first and work things out in person. I agreed, of course. We were adults, not high school kids.. duh.. that was a no brainer. Again, I thought we were good.. all freak-outs aside.

In his defense, prep for my trip really did make me insane. I wasn't patient, I got annoyed easily, mostly because he was always in my space, and I was overtired. But I let him know when this was all over, I'd be back to normal. Pinky swear. Unfortunately, I just couldn't get organized quickly enough or in the way I wanted at all - even for my fourth trip, it was kind of ridiculous. I was all over the map and feeling this uncertain energy from Bernstein as well, which wasn't helping.

I committed to spending the last night before the trip with him. What that meant to him and what it meant to me by definition I found out later were two different things. Not being as ready as I wanted, that meant I would come over when I was all packed and ready to go. To him, that meant I should've had that shit done before that night so we could have an actual date. Guess who's way that went? At 4am, I straggled over to his place because I'd made that commitment. I could've just texted a lame apology and fallen into my own bed since I had to be up in 2.5 hours but I didn't. That would've been crappy. Still, I thought that he'd understand. He was loving and sweet and at 6:30am, I hugged and kissed him goodbye. As I left his place, I just had this gut feeling something wasn't right with him, but I let it go because I had to focus on this trip I'd been planning for a year. If he thought I was being selfish, then so be it. We'd deal with that when I returned.

The trip takes two days to arrive and the morning of our second day, just as we were leaving Lakeview, Oregon where we stopped for breakfast and gas, I got a vague text from him - to feel free to do whatever I wanted and to have a great trip. Um.. ok.. we'd talked about what I was and wasn't allowed to do while gone since the desert can lead to all kinds of situations with all kinds of people. Kissing was fine, sex was not. So I was confused by his text and AM thought he was trying to test me. Really? Because I don't need to be tested. That's juvenile. I tried calling, he didn't answer. I got the distinct feeling he was again doing that hit and run thing but ignoring me this time. I left him a sweet message and left it at that. There was nothing more I could do til the trip was over.

I'd told Bernstein once I got closer to the desert, we'd lose communication abilities and be incommunicado for the week. I knew he'd have a hard time with that after how much time we'd just spent joined at the hip, but that's what the burn is about. You live in the moment. Exponentially. You put technology aside and you're as present as possible while there. That said, we had early arrival passes and the organization that puts on the event does have internet and phone service pulsing throughout the desert up until the gates open officially and then they dial it down so only they have the most access to it (or something like that - don't quote me.. I'm no IT wizard.). AM got a phone call literally as we approached the official road to the burn which shocked me so I wondered if I had service and it was enough to text Bernstein I'd arrived safe and sound, heart emoticons included. We did a little exploring after arriving and later, I had enough internet to email him of my day's adventures since we'd arrived and that I missed him. I didn't think to explain further because I told him not to expect a word once I left and I didn't write him beyond that first day and put my phone away.

Surprisingly, tho my signal was pretty nil the rest of the week, I'd noticed Saturday I'd received an email from Bernstein and it didn't sound positive. He thought that since I hadn't written anymore that I was blowing him off or mad. I didn't know til we left the desert and had a stronger signal that he'd sent a previous email that hadn't come thru yet letting me know that with my time away, he'd made some decisions and he wanted to talk about them when I returned. It was a lot of stuff I couldn't focus on right then because a) I couldn't address it 16 hours away from home and b) I didn't want to. This felt like so much more drama than it needed to be and it just made me mad. I didn't want it to color my burn so I ignored it until the end of the trip.

Sunday night, after the temple burn, we packed up the car and headed out - me and my three other friends. We sat in line to get out for three hours, and at 3am, there was no way to safely make it anywhere as tired as we were so we slept in the van til dawn on Monday in the town just outside Burning Man. Once we all got some real sleep and were kind of awake and chatting later, I finally received Bernstein's first email and could see there was a problem. I thought I could get a solid signal after we passed thru some major towns and tried calling him. That was my first mistake. He didn't want to talk at all actually and even tho we attempted a little, after a few minutes, the call dropped. Frustrated, I started texting because I knew when I got home, it'd be too late to have a heavy relationship chat. I was upset and I simply wanted to understand what he was feeling, to be reassured myself for once. But he wasn't having it. I kept trying to be kind, but I was persistent and somehow that escalated the issue for him to where he was so frustrated he texted ‛I just feel we need to end things,' and I stopped breathing for a second. Only a second. Because after that I just got angry. I knew something wasn't right, but a break up? Over text?! Really?! Call me nuts but I think that falls under the heading of 'something drastic', which, as mentioned above, he'd made me promise a week ago we wouldn't do over text.

‛Do you even know how hypocritical that is right now,' I asked him in shock.

‛You pushed me to answer. I told you to wait,' he texted back bluntly.

Yeah.. that's what I did. He told me to wait so like a reasonable person in this completely logical situation I was handed unexpectedly after a pretty exhausting week, I should've just obeyed or something and since I didn't, my punishment was that he did the next logical thing anyone would do and HE ENDED THE RELATIONSHIP. Yeah.. made total sense to me too. Fucker.

** Side note: I also had edema, which means I was dehydrated so much (which I still don't understand how I did to myself with all the constant drinking of water) that any water in my system wasn't processing correctly and instead was collecting in my cells so I was swollen to the extent my non-burner clothes for the ride home didn't fit and I was woozy and spacey for three days til I figured it out and slept with my feet elevated. So yeah.. the opposite of awesome.**

I was livid. I told him I was done talking til I returned home. My friends were as shocked as I was, tho from his earlier messages on the way to the burn, we all thought he'd been strange. AM offered some sanity in just a few words. And for those of you just joining us, AM is my guy friend who also speaks Guy.. you know that guy friend you have that can tell you what guys mean when they do or say this or that. We've been friends almost as long as I've lived in Seattle.. pretty close to 16 years. We dated when we met, we stayed friends thru thick and thin since then so he knows me.. for reals. He knows how I lack patience where men are concerned, how I can pick some real winners, how I can be stupidly girly and do or say the wrong thing with the same men I only want to get closer to and he can talk me out of my crazy tree when I get stressed out, which is why we drove together in case the van broke down or something insane like last year and because he can also fix cars so it felt good having him along.

ANYWAY - still in shock, AM said the best thing he's ever told me. Simply put, ‛Wow.. he blew it hon. You dodged a bullet with that one.' ‛Right? I mean since when am I the one dating the crazy girl,' I asked incredulously. He didn't even have to say anything more because he knows.. that idea of me being the sane one in any given dating sitch is pretty fucking rare. At least I felt validated at that moment, if nothing else.

Later, in the dark and a few more hours closer to home, the feeling of this person being gone from my life really did hit me and I started to cry silently. AM reached over and grabbed my hand and just held it, which was nice. My friend Sasha came from the backseat and hugged me too. It hurt for sure. I wasn't sure about him when I left and certainly during the week for reasons I'll talk about in the next post, but I wasn't ready to give up on it without trying to talk it thru. And yet, he felt he could make the decision without me.. probably the moment I left.

He texted again that night and sounded like he finally realized what he'd done, not that he took it back but he'd certainly handled it the wrong way. I ignored him because.. duh.

Rehearsal the next evening was torture. I could feel the tension and had to pretend I was fine. And the talk afterwards? Well, in no minutes flat turned into a yelling match. YELLING. HE was MAD at ME! This may have been after I laid into him. I certainly haven't been that angry at anyone in a long time. Not someone I'd been involved with and I'm usually a lot more careful with a boyfriend type but I didn't hold back that night. Not one inch. I said every possible thing I felt about the situation and not once did I apologize. His anger came from trying to defend himself and basically having no leg to stand on - tho I cussed him out pretty directly and he just wasn't able to take it. But I GET to be mad about the break up, right? Yes. Yes I do. There's no statute of limitations for how shitty a break up over text is. No there is not. Yet he told me he was mad at me for things I apparently did or said during our time together, which he didn't have the balls to just say at the time. For example - I teased him about how he dressed one night, (teased was the operative word here), I didn't make him enough of a priority while I was prepping for the burn (which I explained ad nauseum and he still didn't get it.), I didn't return his emails once I was there (also explained.), and the best part - wait for it - was that I REMINDED HIM OF HIS MOTHER WHO'S TOO CONTROLLING. He. Actually. Said. That. And you didn't think he could do anything worse than texting the break up. Me either.

Don't laugh when I say he wasn't the guy I'd left a week before - kind, sweet, so loving and fun. But how much of a person can you really know in a month's time? I know this. It is laughable. At the same time, my mother met the love of her life in my stepfather and after only knowing each other for six weeks, they were engaged. Til he died three years later, I'd never ever seen her so happy. Never. So sue me. It can happen.

He was devoid of all care. I know that look in a guy. I've felt it myself. He felt absolutely nothing for me. He said as much. Angrily. And finally, we'd both had it and he left in a huff but before he could, I gave him back the cute little gifts he'd brought me back from his Eastern Washington trip when we first started dating. I certainly didn't want them after that. His reaction was to say, ‛Fine. I'll throw them away.'

To compound issues, as a cast and crew, we were all committed to a camping trip that coming weekend, which I was already dragging my feet about going on, but surprisingly, overall, it was fine. We stayed to opposite sides of the campfire, we didn't talk at all, but the morning we left, I was watching him pack up his tent and felt a wash of disappointment over the fact we weren't even friends. We'd said we were falling for each other before I'd left. How did we end up in a complete 180 in 10 days apart?

That night I emailed him explaining myself more completely than the night we fought - my shock at his level of anger, his lack of any feeling at all, and I even apologized for anything I may have said or done that he'd not felt comfortable addressing with me. I signed off wishing him happiness. I was surprised he wrote back and with a full apology for everything. Everything. He'd put up walls, talked himself out of what he'd been feeling for me while I was gone, but truly felt we weren't right for each other, which, had he said that to begin with and in a kind way, our break up would've been so much easier for both of us. At least I finally had that.

We opened the show and ran the hell out of it for five reeeaaallly long weeks to almost always sold-out houses even tho the cast felt it was only mediocre - as did a few of the critics. I made friends with the union board op guy who was my sole companion up in the booth for the duration of each show and we were incessantly tortured by Bernstein's constant habit of pausing for effect between words. I mocked him in my head, whether he deserved it or not. It was my outlet of bitterness until I was over it, which came with the closing of the show. I was so grateful when we hit the end of October and that thing was done. There was no love lost in our goodbye and tho I see him randomly at other theater events, I wouldn't consider us friends.

I spent the entirety of November regaining who I was, celebrating myself, and letting go. And reminding myself this was a good lesson learned - yet again - about being patient and getting to know someone in real time.

Oh yeah.. and lastly, if you learn nothing else from me, learn this: Never date an actor. Famous last words.. I know, I know..

Nothing Is More Consistent Than Change

2012-01-04T23:55:00.000-08:00

Well, hello. It's been ages. Seriously. Like people who write this blog (and I may be using the term 'people' a bit loosely since you and I - WE as it were - know I'm the only one who writes this bit of nonsense) turned older (read: 40. Yes. For reals. I'll wait for your freak out to be over........ Um. Yes way. And thank you. I know I look 25 or whatever you just said, but it's true. I'm old. Yup - I look younger than you probably. Sorry for that. It's not intentional. Water. I drink lots of water and my bio mom is going to be 70 and looks about 55. It's a gene thing. You understand.). It's still hard to say.. Forty.. 4-0. Whispering doesn't make it any better. It's still roughly middle age. But you're right, I don't look it (for which I'm grateful now - (not back when I was trying to get into bars illegally)) and I'm more certain I don't act it either (you don't need to be so eager to agree.. geez). Can't blame a girl. When you're in theater, it's not how old you actually are, but the age range you can play. Given that, I'm somewhere between 10 and pushing it would be 26. Not bad for a girl who grew up watching black and white Popeye cartoons, Solid Gold, The Love Boat and Fantasy Island (Seriously - one of the shows I worked on this year a cast member was too young to know what Fantasy Island was.. Please. Mr. Rork? Tattoo? "De plane! De plane!" No? Nothing? Sigh..).

So there's much to tell you.. and if you couldn't tell, I've made some changes. Rebranded or renewed or just rejuvenated things for 2012 and I have a lot to catch you up on. Maybe I have to catch myself up too because just writing these little paragraphs feels good, feels like I should've been doing it this whole time - but Life gets in the way doesn't it? Things happen and get busy and messy and sometimes you just don't want to go into every little detail again and relive hurts and failures. Or you want to keep the wonderful big adventures to yourself just for a bit longer because there are no words to accurately describe it all. That's the best excuse I can give you - and tho not a good one, I'm forging on and will attempt to try this writing thing for a while longer. It's ok if I'm just talking to myself here or maybe a few new sets of eyes will find me and relate to the idea of transformation in the new year. I know it's not a new idea, but this blog has been roughly the same since I started - minus a few added bits of bling - and the bling was nice, but I needed the update - you know, in with the new/out with the old sort of thing - and ME - well, 40 is a big change. It shouldn't be - because you know it's all psychological and I'm still the same person, but it sets in. The reality. I really do feel a little different, a little pressure to grow the hell up (finally.. maybe), a little calmer and hopefully, a little wiser. I said hopefully.. ok?

Are we good now? Can you look past this little disappearance and let me make it up to you? 40 makes me a real grown up now so I think that means something - or means I'm trying to figure out what exactly that means. Either way, this adventure is starting..

Alrighty then.. Here's to a fantastic new year for us all and a new Miss Devylish 2.0 for 2012.

Hello Stranger Part 2

2011-08-06T14:00:00.000-07:00

"Goddammit! I skipped July?!"

This is what I just said to myself out loud after sitting down and finally making time to write stuff down. I want to. I really do. But July seriously got away from me. Slippery thing that month is. And it's not like it was filled with sunshine or anything because here in Seattle summer really didn't start until August for the first time in the 17 years I've lived here. The grumbling about the weather gets old but we just can't help ourselves. We're so light-deficient as it is we all take Vitamin D supplements. We are due, Mother Nature, so if you can hear us.. an Indian Summer wouldn't be out of place, if you know what I'm saying.. and I think you do..

But despite the fact that March lasted for five months, I feel like my life finally turned a corner in July. There's a lot to explain so let's get started..

It began with a vacation to Arch Cape, Oregon to meet my mom and my extended family on my dad's side. My aunt and uncle in Portland, Or take the trip every year but my immediate family doesn't always go. My two other aunts and uncles who live in Tucson and Winnipeg respectively were also there and it's rare to see them even once a year so the time spent was really precious.

We played cribbage and Mexican Train - a fantastic domino game, read, ate really really well, listened to stories my uncles would tell about growing up and when they would all get in trouble like the time when Grandpa was so mad at my dad that Dad jumped out of the second-story window to get away from him. We took long walks along the beach, took as many naps as we wanted and just absorbed each other's company. I got some good time with my 9-year-old cousin, Maeve, who's brilliant and precocious and also with my cousin Jon and his wife and their new little boy I'd never met. I really try not to take family for granted like I did when I was growing up, but these moments make me realize I wish I had more time with all of them. They're fun and wonderful from this adult perspective.

I stopped to visit my gram in Vancouver, WA on the way to the beach and took a run at the park near her house.. so gorgeous that day.

My cousin, Maeve, in her little beach hideaway she 'renovated'. Her word.

I went for a run on the beach, which sucked (because I couldn't pace myself at all), but this picture did not.

We went on a five mile walk to Cannon Beach on our last morning and finally the tide was out far enough to see some starfish!

One of my favorite pictures with the Hipstamatic app on my iPhone with a filtered lens from the movie Cowboys & Aliens. Yes really.

My aunt and uncle who live in Portland are the couple in the foreground. I love this shot. Haystack Rock, in Cannon Beach, is in front of them.

A different shot of Haystack Rock..

My mom and I are another story. We bickered most of the time we spent together that week, which really disappointed me. Finally something broke near the end and the next morning, we saw eye to eye but it was a hard road to get there. Honestly, I think she just started making an effort. She's a wonderfully generous person overall - but I feel like a little kid around her when we see each other because I don't get that she values our time when I'm right in front of her. And I behave like a brat trying to vie for her attention. I get guilt trips over the phone, but when I make the time to visit, I feel like I might as well be invisible. I'm not sure what that's all about even thinking about it now, but at some point, I gave up trying to understand and she tried a bit harder and it ended up somewhere in the middle of tolerable. I miss the friendship we created when my step-dad was alive. He had this influence on her and she was so happy it was suddenly so easy to be around her for almost three years. I love that she's happy with the boyfriend she has now, but she's changed and I'm not sure how to get the friend back I had in her.

When I headed for my road trip to the beach, I felt like the weight of the world had finally lifted. I made what felt like a big decision to leave OCT, the theater company I'd been with for a year and a half. We'd moved out of our space due to financial reasons and since the spring, when we'd begun our production of Rocky Horror, I hadn't felt intrinsically involved anyway. I tried really hard to insert myself during that time, but for whatever reason, I couldn't get in and couldn't get anyone to talk to me about what I could do to help. So I offered my assistance to Theater Schmeater, another company that had reached out to me last fall. They were glad to have me, I took on the asst stage manager position for the upcoming Twilight Zones show and my theater world suddenly started to bloom. I met a really lovely and cohesive group of people, learned what I'd been doing wrong in the past from my new friend Peggotty (a nickname she helped me pick from one of the Zones episodes) who is a phenomenal stage manager, and realized something was missing in my life that thus had to change.

When we started our next show, Ajax, a Greek tragedy that was to end our season, I'd cleared up some misunderstandings with OCT and felt a bit like I was back where I could help. But the people involved in Rocky felt overextended and therefore weren't around much to help with Ajax. I felt a bit abandoned at times, like a scapegoat at others and I was simply treading water just to get the damn thing opened. It was far from an enjoyable experience and a few of my company relationships unfortunately suffered irreparable damage because of it.

The cast, however, was pretty amazing and a great help. Many of them came from my ex's company, Balagan, and tho I had a lot of anxiety about working with them, it was like old times and they put any fears I had to rest. Getting reacquainted with them was great but until opening night, when The Boy appeared at the ticket booth I was manning, I didn't think much of it.

But there he was.. right in front of me. After TWO YEARS of virtual silence and finding out over Facebook the day I returned from Burning Man last year that he was engaged, we were face to face and smiling at each other. I knew he was coming, but it didn't help my nerves. Yet somehow I forced myself to see the positive in the situation because I was so over feeling crappy about it. We hugged, made a point to sit down during the opening night party and had a long, overdue talk that completely cleared the air of all the pain and sadness caused from not being friends. All at once, it was just gone and it was all so easy. We found humor in our messed up communication and we finally and completely buried our past. It was an enormous relief and I couldn't have been happier about it.

A few weeks later, it was time to make that change and I knew what I had to do. I emailed him and asked if he could see me back in his company again and that's where we are now. I'm stage managing their upcoming show in the fall, Dog Sees God - about the Peanuts characters almost all grown up and in high school but undeniably more twisted and fucked up than the cartoon strip - and then they'll vote on me being their company Production Manager around the time that show opens in October.

In the meantime, I took on working both weekends of 14/48 - the short (and insane but amazing) theater festival that happens twice a year. Seven 10-minute plays are created by as many playwrights the night before and the following day they're staged, designed and tech'd to be performed that night based on a theme drawn from The Cone of Destiny. That night, after the first performance, a new theme is drawn and the process starts all over again the next day. The next weekend, a new group does it all again. This year, they had the women do the first weekend and the men do the second. I ran the lights the first and assistant stage managed the second - which was A LOT more work and A LOT more exhausting - but so rewarding. My theater world actually exploded exponentially during this time, the talent pool was simply stunning to watch, and shockingly, I think I did a good job, which made me feel incredibly proud of myself.

Last but not least, July brought forth a spark that has me smiling so much these days my face actually hurts. I'll call him Bernstein, from an inside joke we have. He's 34 - yay! - fairly grounded and has some pretty kind eyes, which Shine has ingrained in me unintentionally is something important to have and I couldn't agree more. He's in my next cast and I met him at our photo shoot for press. That could complicate things, but we don't think it will. I noticed him immediately, but wasn't sure I should pay that thought any real attention and then he came to one of the 14/48 performances and we chatted a lot. When I went backstage after that, I noticed I had butterflies. I can't remember the last time since The Boy I had those.

I saw him in his show the following Sunday and he was fantastic. I met him and the cast for drinks afterwards and we just stuck together most of the night. The butterflies multiplied. Tho I was too nervous to say anything when he walked me to my car, we did come clean over texts like 16-year-olds once we got home.

Surprisingly, a date still has yet to happen because he went to Eastern Washington with his current show right after and will be back Monday night but there's a palpable excitement to see each other pretty close to immediately once he returns. Until then, we've had a couple of phone calls that lasted well into the wee hours and the stupid giggling on both sides no one else would understand but it's all kinds of awesome.

Next on the calendar is Burning Man. My virgin sponsee and friend of 16 years, Anthony, and I leave in three weeks exactly! My girlfriends who aren't in our camp, Sasha and Sophia, are riding down with us. It certainly won't be boring, but there's still lots of planning and preparing to do. My butterflies are working overtime, I tell you..

This year's theme is Rites of Passage. I can't explain how appropriate this feels for me. I didn't recognize how transitional this year would be until I had some time to see it in retrospect and finally, I can see it as it's happening.. like I've caught up to the realizations because they're wrapping me up in this warm blanket of energizing love. I don't know if I should call it luck or karma or what.. but whatever it is, it's about time and it's fucking fantastic.

If It's Too Good To Be True..

2011-06-29T17:15:00.000-07:00

I don't believe in lying. Not saying I haven't done it for whatever reason, but I don't believe in doing it within the relationships I choose to cultivate among friends and lovers (I can't say I've never lied to family.. I mean, there are just some things you don't tell your mother.). But I've known my share of charming liars and each time I'm still surprised by how blindsided I feel when the truth is exposed.

So you know it had to happen.. but falling under the spell of chemistry, similar tastes, and easy conversation is still pretty cliché. I'm old enough to know better and I really am able to see a smooth talker for who he is right away, but sometimes, I'll admit, they get me. When all their attention is focused on me, when the right words fall out of their mouths so easily it seems genuine - all those particular things I want to hear - I give them the benefit of the doubt [read: even I'm a sucker once in a while.].

When you begin dating someone new, it's not required to provide your entire life past and present or any skeletons for that matter, but after the unusual first non-date date with 007 a few weeks ago, I'd found out we weren't exactly strangers anyway. The conversation we had that night laid out clearly, by accident, what I wanted from a relationship - nothing casual (meaning once you realize the person is solid and you're sure you want to see more of them), no bullshit, and they should have a good idea of what they want as well so the wishy-washy 'fish or cut bait' point I keep experiencing about three weeks in is prevented. I deserve to be treated as a priority if I make someone one of mine. He asked questions why I was still single and if I wanted kids tho he was a bit tight-lipped about his own background and his dating life, but he did say he was seeing someone in New York. It just seemed like she was more an east coast distraction when he traveled that direction tho the fact it'd been going on for the last three years did catch me off guard. Still, I didn't think much of it.

After he returned from his latest trip, we met up at a wine bar on the hill, lingered over a couple of glasses of wine a piece for an easy couple of hours and it felt like the night was just beginning. I knew he'd suggest we head somewhere else and I wasn't wrong. A couple more drinks in, we're a bit cozier in the upstairs of another bar. Keep in mind, this town is surprisingly small and I recognized one of the new bartenders the last time I was there as someone I dated briefly last year (We've already discussed how I've dated half this city, right? And if not, well.. I have.). I mentioned to 007 about how awkward it's been when I've frequented the bar because this particular guy pretends I'm a stranger and I like that bar so I'm not going to avoid it. That's stupid. But, suddenly, on that note, 007 starts talking about how I deserve to get what I want, he knows I want something longterm and it's so not a clear tangent that I know he's trying to say something, but isn't getting to the point. We talk about expectations, I said I didn't have any at this time, I knew about the other person in New York and for the time being, that was fine. But he paused noticeably and then as if knowing this is where he needed to rip off the bandaid, we had the following conversation:

007: Well, she was in New York at the time. I mean she's here and there..

Me: Here? What do you mean here?

007: Basically.. she lives with me..

Me: Wait, we aren't seeing each other..?

007: No. We aren't.

Me: Uh.. what?

007: I realize I may have misled you, but I wasn't sure what to say.

Me: Misled?

007: Yes and given you the wrong impression.

Me: Wrong impression? You told me it was a date when I asked what that whole first evening had been.

007: Well, I don't think I said that exactly.

Me: Yes, it was. Exactly. I can tell you what you said because I remember asking you, ‛Is this a date,' and YOU said, ‛Yes, well, it can be, or be whatever we want it to be,' which told me, yes it was. And then you kissed me. A lot. Confirming that exact thing.

007: Ok.. yeah.. well, I was pretty drunk actually.

Me: No no. Uh-uh. You don't get to say that....... Wait so.. this person.. is not someone casual. This person is essentially your girlfriend?

007: .. Uh.. yes..

Me: And this person thinks you are where exactly and with whom?

007: Out. With a friend.

Me: You are fucking kidding me right now.

007: It's no big deal...

Me: Um yeah. It is. Don't kid yourself. I'm a bit in shock so my face may not show it, but I'm really upset with you right now and debating whether or not to throw my drink in your face.

(Not that I was bluffing. This close - I swear to freakin God, but instant scene had I done it. Would've been so worth it, but I opted not to. I'm a classy chic.)

007: Oh dear God don't do that! I'm really very sorry.

Said as he moved my drink well out of reach.

Me: Yeah. You should be.

007: I really respect you so much.

Me: You should really stop talking. You don't or you would've told me this BEFORE tonight. Not in a public place making me want to kick you in the knee AND throw my drink in your face.

007: Ok let's not get dramatic.. How well would that have gone had I done that?

Me: Uh.. better than now.

007: Really?

Me: Are you kidding? I thought you were gay! And then you kissed me and you PURSUED me. Did you not?

007: Right. I did. Yes..

Me: You asked to see me two other times this week before tonight. You knew where I was coming from.. YOU SAID WE SHOULD HAVE BABIES TOGETHER. Christ!

007: Ok - well.. I was kidding about the babies -

Me: Duh - but you don't fucking mention that to someone you aren't interested in. And you certainly first mention your GIRLFRIEND - who you've pretended is invisible. Not only did you lead me on, but you didn't even acknowledge the relationship you have exists. That's just shitty.

007: You're right. I completely understand. I'm so so sorry.

Me: Yeah. I heard you. I don't care. I'm not letting you off the hook. You knew exactly what you were doing.

007: You're right. I did. I made a mistake. You have to understand.. I just enjoy you so much. We're practically the same person..

Me: Yeah. I know, but this relationship you're in - it's monogamous, correct?

007: Yes..

Me: Then that's it. I'm done.

I get up and walk out.

007: Then I'm coming with you.

Me: I don't give a fuck.

I've never walked out on someone or talked like that to anyone other than in my imagination. I've never had the opportunity to tell a cheating liar this is in fact what he is and that everything that comes out of his mouth only emphasizes this point. I'm actually really proud of how I handled myself and that I said absolutely everything I wanted to in the way I wanted to and with as much angry force as I was feeling.

Just before the whole confession, he'd brought up that he hadn't even dated much in the last three years. When I asked him why he said his attention was focused on his house, career and traveling - neglecting the fact that he hadn't dated BECAUSE HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND! THE WHOLE TIME!

To say I was pissed was an understatement. I was hurt over being fooled so easily and letting someone from my past carry more weight than a new person when essentially, after eight plus years, he was a new person. He hadn't earned anything anymore than anyone else I'd gone out with twice before. But he fucked up and despite his hope it might blow over right there and we'd have a good laugh, like - are you fucking crazy to have that kind of audacity (The answer there is yes. Yes he is.)?! - there was no going back to any possibility of being friends or acting cool about the situation. Classic case of a man wanting his cake.. etc. Transparent as all get out. Well, now anyway.

It was a warm Thursday night about 10:30pm and lots of people were out. He followed me to the corner of a busy intersection where we had a few more words (Nope - not embarrassing AT ALL.). He apologized more and asked if he could drive me home. I laughed and said, ‛Fuck no. You're a liar.' He looked like I'd slapped him, but I'm assuming he'd either never been caught before or had smoothed it over the times he had. I started to get emotional and said a few more things that really didn't amount to the proper send off I would've liked.. but I walked away leaving him just standing there and that felt pretty good even tho I still felt played.

A week later, he called. Yeah, I know. I was as shocked as you, but I had a feeling he'd try so I made a point to remember his number even tho I'd deleted it. He left a really breezy message:

007: Hey - just checking in and seeing if you're still pissed at me. Was just driving home and thinking about you. Really looking forward to catching up and talking with you soon.. k? Hope you're having a good week! Bye!

You have to hand it to him. The man clearly found the Get Your Audacity Here store and stocked up in bulk. I started to text him something to that effect and then decided, you know what? He wants to talk.. let's fucking talk and see what he has to say for himself. So we talked.. for about an hour. He was relieved I called him back until I pushed for answers - but I'll give him a few props that he gave me some.

It wasn't a shocker - again, it was pretty transparent to me what was going on and he copped to it, or rather, I laid out the situation I thought was going on and he said I was right. He's not happy in his current relationship, but it's complicated - whatever that means - so he hasn't had the balls to make changes with that. I came into the picture, sparked an attraction, a happy memory and he wanted to see what happened with that - not planning on deceiving anyone, but letting it happen regardless and digging a big hole for himself. And in all the talk of wanting me around, he never once mentioned wanting to be friends, which I also brought up. So he tried to say that's what he wanted but when he literally couldn't say it - could not get out the word 'friends' after saying, ‛Well, of course.. I'd like us to be.. um,' it was simply laughable because I had to say it. ‛Friends. It's a simple word. Just say it.' And he did.. finally, but I called him out telling him it was difficult for him to say because that's not what he wanted - and when he let that absorb, he admitted I was right.

I asked him if the situation were reversed.. or if he were me.. if he would be friends with him. He paused.. stammered.. and then said, ‛No.. you're right. I wouldn't. That's not behavior in someone I could trust.' Good boy. Here's a biscuit.

It was interesting suddenly having all the power. He didn't really know what he wanted from me had I answered to begin with. He didn't know much of anything. I told him I wasn't mad anymore. I was over it, but if my friends knew I let him back in my life, they'd all think I was stupid. And because I'd been drawn to him, letting him in would mean taking a risk that at some point, hanging out, probably over drinks would weaken my resolve and I'd find myself in a moment with him where knowingly, I'd be part of the deceiving - and I won't do that to myself or the girlfriend I now know about.

I have to admit, I'm not sure what I'd do with him either. I didn't want to be friends. I would've taken it had it started out that way to begin with, but it didn't and I'm not able to transition back to that really. Not when the whole thing began with lies right out of the gate. So I said I wouldn't put his number back in my phone at this time. But if he figures out his situation in the future, he was welcome to call.. when he had something to say. He agreed that was a good idea. He thanked me for my time and for listening to him.. and that was finally that.

So one of my dark horses turned out to be a jackass - not surprising knowing my luck with waging a bet - and the other withdrew from the race altogether because he could tell I was distracted. He's probably right and we may just be better at being friends. But this race for my affections is kind of stupid and I never meant for it to be any sort of competition or to look like I was leaving my options open even if one of my options was certainly a frog. The other may be a perfect prince, but it's not that easy to figure out and some princes are meant for other girls in other stories. Right now, I should stop with the poor analogies.

Don't cry for me Argentina. There are changes coming and they're not all bumpy. I didn't get the ‛real' job I was hoping for so back to the grinding board with that, but there are big transitions I'm making in my theater world and I'm finally excited again. I'm going to be the Asst. Stage Manager and board op for the upcoming 14/48, which is a super fun and super short theater festival over the course of 48 hours for two weekends (See the link above). It's a great opportunity to be involved in this tiny but massive show they do a few times a year and everyone who is anyone in our fringe community plays a part.

There's one more major shift I'll be making this week - but you need some backstory on that before I can talk about it. Just know it's all positive, even if I have a bit of anxiety about initiating it, but once I do, some huge negatives will be released and there's only happiness in moving forward.

I can see a light that's getting closer. I haven't reached it yet because I think the Universe is trying to remind me nothing is more consistent than change and I shouldn't get too comfortable.

#1 Dad

2011-06-19T21:47:00.000-07:00

I try not to dread this time of year, but rather, just ignore it, because tho I'm hardly an orphan, when Father's Day comes around, I feel the heartstrings pull when I hear the ads or have to sit thru those sappy commercials. And honestly, I get a little jealous.

I have friends who are dads and my own brother and his wife should have some baby news this year, but when I'm stuck on which form to file for my taxes, when I go to a baseball game, when the latest guy I'm dating turns out to be a real piece of work, I really wish my dad was still around.

He named me. I was his 'little angel'. I used to sit on the top of his cowboy boots, wrap my arms and legs around his burly calf and he'd go about his business in the house or pretend to look for me. He played Santa Claus for the local kids when he was a member of the Elks Club. He's the reason, even tho I'm right-handed, I throw a softball with my left hand and catch with my right - because he let me make that decision with my fifth grade logic (Why Dad? WHY?!) and it's why I still can't throw for shit. But he hung up a five-gallon bucket horizontally on one of our fences so I could practice throwing consistently and, at the time, I improved. I had braces for years and many times after some major teeth pulling or a surgery, Dad would drive home with me just curled up on the seat, my head on his lap, my face tear-stained and my mouth numb and stuffed with gauze. He taught me how to ride a bike and drive a stick. Mom said he cried when he read the part in one of my letters from Norway about finally finding a store where they sold peanut butter. He worked hard. He laughed loudly. I like to think, despite the fact I was adopted, that I get my big laugh from him.

As a nanny, there are lots of parental moments I suddenly remember from the past. I have great memories of my grandfathers who were both characters. My Grandpa Frank, my dad's dad, made a great, big sound when he sneezed. A-POOYA! It scared the bejesus out of my brother and I every time and I think he knew that. We always got the feeling he'd been a hardass with my dad and his brothers, but he was always a teddy bear to his grandchildren.

My Grandpa Gordon, my mom's step-dad, used to tell us after any little incident found us in tears over a scrape or fall that we'd be ok by the time we were married. Suddenly, I find myself saying this to Jack and Liam when they give that stunned look after a knock on the head into a wall or something of that nature.. when there's that moment of 'am I ok or not' they're trying to figure out. If they nod when I say that, then I know they're ok and drama has luckily been avoided.

And my step-dad used to call me 'girl', as in 'Hey girl!' when he'd see me, which made me feel like a dog being called, but I never said anything because I knew he was really trying to find his own way to connect with me and taking my dad's place was a challenge.

But Dad was the biggest man in my life, literally. He was Hercules to me. A giant of 6' 3" - taller when he wore his favorite cowboy hat - who could make the meanest shredded zucchini scramble with bacon bits when he'd make us breakfast for dinner or homemade pizza, for which he'd use a can of cheap beer in the crust. When my prom date's car ran out of gas a half a mile or so from our house, which was out in the boondocks and wasn't a well-lit road, he's the one who got the gas can and went back to the car with my date at 1am to make sure he got back home safely. When I drove my car into a ditch late one night, way on the other side of town in the middle of winter, headed to a party after work I shouldn't have been going to, he was the one who kept Mom from scolding me while I was in shock and the one who told me over and over that it was going to be ok.

He was a son of a bitch when he was angry, which was often and usually not over anything important, but I don't think anyone, not even he, understood the deep-rooted anger that plagued him. As the years pass without him, I remember less of his temper, even tho I think I inherited that too, and more of the love I know he had for us. I hold onto the good memories because I know that's how he'd rather I remember him.

So here's to your dad, to my dad, and the other dads - those with us and those who aren't - may they all know how much they're loved.

I miss you Pops.. love Susie-Q.

Hello Stranger Part 1

2011-06-02T22:42:00.000-07:00

At last! It's late here but I've been trying to find time to write for a while and have clearly failed. Two months have obviously gone by and a zillion things have happened which may have garnered their own post had I been more diligent with this outlet.. but sometimes you just have to live life and stop writing everything down. Maybe in retrospect it then isn't as memorable, but it's still energy well-spent. Let's hope anyway..

So the easy stuff first. Men. Am I right? Kidding. Geez.. tough audience.

Yes, they've come and gone quickly lately - only a few weeks here and there to the point one girlfriend said she wasn't even going to try to remember their names anymore til one stuck around for a while. I told her I was doing the same thing. Single girl in the city. I'm not apologizing. And tho I let a couple linger for a bit while trying to figure out what their intentions were, I made mine known. No more of the bullshit. No more of maybe he'll figure out what he wants eventually and maybe it'll be me. No more of a week goes by with no communication because they're trying to play the game or not give away too much. Once you're clearly spending the majority of your free time with someone and they're the only one you're seeing, to me you either have to spend the effort to be in it or you don't because it's not working and you're out. Doesn't mean it has to be labeled, but it does have to be exclusive and I do have to be a priority. I make room in my life for the person I'm spending time with. Not 100% - that's just being co-dependent and there's individuality still and people have passions and other directions to pursue, but I expect the same courtesy. In or out man.. fish or cut bait. And if they can't figure it out, I do it for them. I did it twice in as many months (I did mention I had a reason for not writing, right?). And no I wasn't as badass as I'm sounding here.. obviously. I'm still a sweet girl my dear four readers.. I'm just saying I'm not taking anything less than what I deserve anymore. Fun is great, don't get me wrong. But fun doesn't get me someone to brush my teeth with at night or take to company parties or cry my eyes out over stupid story lines on Grey's Anatomy or meet my bio family.. you know? It might work out that way for others, but it ain't working for me to give away the milk anymore.. if you know what I'm saying.. and I think you do.

There are a couple of dark horses in the current race (Race for.. what? Yeah, I don't know either.. just humor me.) at the moment. One I've known for some years now and there's a bit at stake because we've recently established a decent friendship while working together in shows so if something negative happens, we'll still run in the same fringe theater circles and that's never not awkward. But he's a great actor, a good friend, a good guy overall who everyone I know in the industry likes. He smokes, which I can't stand, but he also knows that so he doesn't do it around me unless we're in a show and he's outside with the other smokers. And, being from the south, he definitely has the qualities of a gentleman - as in manners - and is awfully sweet. So we'll call him Rhett - as in Butler - tho I could use his real name because it sounds just as movie-like, but I do what I can to ~~barely~~ protect the innocent.

I think he's just as nervous as I am about the situation, which is us dating, because it's new just in the last couple of weeks. We both know the moment we show any small public display of affection towards the other in a fringe theater type place, all our friends and associates will be tittering. Tittering quietly, but tittering nonetheless. And this could happen as soon as oh.. tonight at a mutual friend's birthday after a big theater cabaret type thing and since we barely know what this is yet AND it's not exclusive because no, we haven't had THE talk yet because we aren't there, yeah.. it's just a matter of trying to keep the pressure off both of us. I mean, I like him and I certainly don't want to hurt him or get hurt, so it's good, but we're being cautious.

The story behind the other guy is just bizarre. You'll agree with me in a minute. We'll call this one 007 because he's very private, but is certainly a charmer without being sleazy and he travels, likes to live well, and jet-sets from coast to coast often. Yeah.. I was jealous too.

I was at one of my favorite speakeasies on the hill and when you sit at the bar, you tend to talk to the other customers. He was one of them, we were both with other people but I kept thinking he looked familiar and didn't know why. We traded names across the bar over jokes, but that was that and they left. A month or so later, I ran into him at another bar in another neighborhood while out with my friend, Tallulah. I thought he was oddly attentive. She thought he was gay. And as she was dead set on it, I was inclined to believe her. When he said we should meet for drinks after hanging out with us for a bit, I was super casual about it because in my mind he didn't play for my team so it was: Of course! Yes! Let's hang out! Awesome! And we traded contact info.

Some time passed and we'd hit each other up here and there to hang but it wasn't working out. Finally he asked me to set aside time two weeks in advance and something told me to say sure, why not and just add him to my calendar. Two more weeks go by and we're finally in the same place on purpose together, have a great time, and he starts asking semi-datey questions which I thought odd for a gay man. Do I want kids, why am I single, I seem to have a lot going for me, etc.. and I was honest about the men in this city being non-commital, unsure of their own direction let alone what they want, and how they're really good at wasting someone's time. I'm over letting my time be wasted.. I want to feel valued. I asked him the same question this time poking if he'd give a tell-tale sign of his sexuality away because damn I was confused. And he finally gave up he'd been seeing 'someone' in New York for the last three years. Ouch. Clearly it wasn't serious, but it was something to continue this long for that kind of distance. And finally he said SHE was great, but.. blahblahblah (I didn't really pay attention to be honest - I was just relieved to finally get my answer from that cryptic conversation.). And then he said he was having a great time (another clear sign UH.. THIS IS A REAL DATE, CRAP I DIDN'T KNOW THAT!) and we should continue on somewhere else. So we did.

He drove, more drinks, easy conversation even tho now I realize this is a real date FOR REALZ and I'm wishing I could take a few things I said back and we get to my car and we have this conversation:

Me: Slightly coy, So this was a date, right?

007: Well sure, I mean, I thought it was, but it can be whatever..

Me: Right, but my friend Tallulah was certain you were gay and up til about an hour ago, I was inclined to believe her. Waiting for reaction..

007: Pause, smiles, nods. Well, I'm not gay nor am I bi. I do get that a lot but I'm straight. And actually.. I have a confession to make.

Me: Perplexed curiosity wondering all variables of possibilities of what he might tell me next.

007: We've already met.. before that first bar some months ago. Paused for effect. We've actually already dated. (Wait for it..) And we've already slept together. (Are you pausing?!! Because let me tell you.. I was..)

Me: Speechless - which, as we all know, is hard to accomplish. Hats off to the man. Uh.. um.. smatter of other non-words here.. Wow. I'm a jackass. Seriously.. still isn't ringing any bells.

He goes on to tell me other details of our last date: where he lived, what he did for a living, how we met, which finally brought it back to me but I'm telling you as he was saying it, I couldn't believe this person in front of me was the same person. In my memory they look slightly different, the person in my past was taller, much more intense (Shut up. That's part of someone's look, right? Pfft. You don't know.). This guy was calm, grounded, not trying so hard. But honestly it was really only maybe three or four dates (Yes, I know.. we already talked about the milk and how I'm a tart for giving it away for free.. thanks Mom..) and when we worked out the timeframe, it was at least eight or nine years ago. I'm sorry but I'm going to forget someone's name by then if I'm no longer seeing them. I'll give you that I'm still a complete asshat for forgetting him ENTIRELY - even seeing him again recently THREE TIMES. Hello gingko biloba deficiency! Christ.. I'm awesome.

ANYWAY.. he kissed me, it was nice, I'll take more please. Yeah, he's uber metro, but there's something about him and he talked about HAVING BABIES WITH ME. Not that we would, he said.. but they'd be fucking adorable. HIS WORDS. People! WTF?! I mean, haven't you ever wanted your gay boyfriend to sometimes BE your boyfriend because they were that awesome? I dunno.. I know I sound all kinds of wrong right now.. but please, YOU be single here and see where it gets you (Probably married to a Google/Amazon/Microsoft exec or a hot Mariner/Sounder (Mmm.. soccer players..)). You can't make this shit up. No no, you can not.

So don't be jealous of the madcappery that is my dating life.. I wish I was kidding when I say I've dated probably half this city. I run into them at inopportune moments when they happen to be the new bartender making the drink I just ordered (awkward) or the guy on the street who caught my eye and we both invisibly nodded and didn't acknowledge each other verbally. I don't go from boyfriend to boyfriend so more often than not, I'm single. As it stands now, it's kind of enjoyable when there are options but annoying and lonely when there aren't. And the cat has no opinion either way as long as I don't bring someone home upon whose lap, back or stomach she isn't allowed to lounge. She loves love.. just like her mama..

So lovelies, as this is just part one of catching up, I promise not to be such a stranger anymore. The sun is out, the gym calls and I wish you all a sexy and love-filled weekend.. mwah!

Quarterly Check In

2011-03-17T01:00:00.000-07:00

I don't know if there's ever been a time since I started this blog where I missed writing during any given month. And there was even a major, albeit annoying, holiday in February too that I completely ignored and didn't get to mock. Wasted opportunity there. But I did get to notice myself actually trying to meet the objectives I set for this year and so far I've seen some progress. Like.. yay! Let's share the progress, shall we?

Being on time: Ok.. so um.. I said I noticed improvement. Never promised perfection. So yeah, I'm late less of the time now. And there have been ENTIRE PLANS where I WAS EARLY! Er.. maybe right on time. I dunno. Either way I arrived FIRST! And that's all that mattered in order to make it count. I'm doing my best to be more consistent and can safely say.. uh.. yes.. ok.. I'm still working on this one. So uh.. moving on..

Listen more, be more collaborative and more cooperative: As part of improving my own communication, I'm better about not interrupting and that was already something I was addressing. But now I have a better understanding of the roles I was taking on and the efforts I'm putting into relationships - both personal and professional. When you know you need to collaborate where you previously had maybe no idea - then yeah, that's a big part of changing your perspective. But I discussed where I was needed at the theater where I'd been a company member for the last year, but by the time that finally happened, I'd volunteered for another where I knew I'd be immediately necessary. It's not a competition, but you can't collaborate better if you have nothing to collaborate on. Communication from others up the chain wasn't happening, which was disappointing among other things, and I was actually really proud of how I handled that. Every time I started to take it personally I found many reasons it wasn't and finally just found another opportunity for myself, which refocused direction so I couldn't beat myself up anymore. And then, right at the moment I accepted the space the company had left between them and me (read: I left town for just four days), I was ~~suddenly Obi Wan and the only freakin hope~~ flooded with requests to help, meet, provide contacts, etc. AND, even while frustrated by that, I found constructive and positive words to air said frustrations and then voilà! I actually managed to let them go and moved forward. Yay me!

Choose better words: In conjunction with the idea of cooperation and collaboration, it's heightened my awareness of how I come across when conveying oh.. ALL my thoughts at any given time. More than just something you do for tact or kindness, it's a skill to hone. It's seems elementary, but just keeping things factual helps, taking the me out of it, the emotion - and it doesn't prevent me being me so I can still be honest and direct, but just in a better way.

Speak less: This did not seem possible and yet there are WHOLE MOMENTS it DOES HAPPEN! I know, right? Crazy! It's amazing when I stop trying to put myself in a place of authority - where I feel the pressure to make things happen and be the one who does everything and therefore controls it as well - that I listen a lot more, let others drive whatever force is working in the room, and I learn a lot more that way. Observing is fun! Of course I pipe up where I think I should and thus I'm listened to more because I'm choosing those moments better. Interesting how that works, eh? No, the irony is not lost on me, Alannis.. thank you.

Be a better daughter/granddaughter/sister: I think Mom and I have finally moved past some of the most recent tension we felt during the holidays. She knew I was down and feeling all loser-like and tho it was tough for her to really understand exactly what I was going thru, she's come thru for me every time I needed her. And in return, I think I realized she simply wants me to make the effort to reach out to her once in a while. A call once a week basically to check in - to know I'm alive - even if nothing is going on. She's asking that her presence, even a state away, matters enough to me that I think of her on a Sunday afternoon and pick up my phone to find out how she is.. I don't know why that was so hard to see. It's hardly unreasonable that you call your own mother especially when it takes so little time and makes all the difference to her. I still have to get more consistent with my own brother and grandmother, but in my defense, my brother never calls me either and usually my mom and grandmother are together.. so two birds there.

Find my bliss: Sigh - this is still undetermined. I'm trying harder to see where I was forcing the square peg into the round hole tho. The theater was not making me happy and I simply found elsewhere to focus, a short trip to take, and my air became clearer because I let go. I care too fucking much sometimes - to my own detriment. It doesn't have to be as hard as I continue to make it.

I visited two college girlfriends in LA and was reminded how much they shaped who I was back then and fondly remembered good times over lots of wine, good food, and even a comedy show at Largo on Valentine's Day that was probably one of the best Valentine's ever. Good friends, laughter so hard you aren't making any sound, and just being myself and not trying too hard to please anyone. It certainly didn't feel like 16 + years has passed (Christ I'm old!) - other than one has a 5-year-old daughter and 10-year marriage, but they both looked exactly the same and were the lovely people I remembered adoring in school. It took no time at all to catch up to where life was taking us now and I didn't want to leave.

LA is a lot different than Seattle tho.. and obviously, overwhelmingly bigger. Seattle is the largest city I've ever lived in and calling it large or even a city sometimes when you've been here 16 years is almost a laugh. After about two or three years you start running into people you know from Trader Joe's or work or the gym at the markets, plays, or karaoke. I've definitely run into people from here at Burning Man in Nevada (tho Seattle is the second largest contingent next to San Francisco there) and I half expected to run into someone I knew in Barcelona when I went two years ago (I didn't). Seattle is that small. But I have to say - I kind of loved Hollywood. I can't afford it.. yet.. but I liked it. Not sure if said bliss is there, but honestly - the weather is. I like the rain as much as anyone.. but goddamn, we get way more than our fair share here and I'm from Oregon where we say we don't tan, we rust. And when it rains in LA? It really rains - but it's close to 60 degrees. In February. Yeah. I can deal with that.

I'm going to skip the part where the earth moves a lot more down there especially since we all felt the biggest one from Portland, OR to Vancouver, BC 10 years ago that any of us have felt in our lifetime in the Northwest. Yeah, that part is scary - doubly so in light of the tragedy in Japan - but it's just an idea right now. Who knows..

I'm enjoying this year so far - tho I have been sicker than I ever have been in years - currently already on my second uber-awful cold in three months (seriously why does it have to be sleeping without breathing thru my nose OR the magic of pseudoephedrine and clear sinuses but no sleep?!), but hanging out with children will do that to you. Otherwise, I see how I've created my own drama in the past and I'm distancing myself from that behavior. I smile more. I'm more accountable - but have less to be accountable for when I'm aware of my own involvement and choice of words and how both affect others. I don't worry about my solitude so much - and tho at the end of January I stopped seeing the person I met at New Year's, someone new appeared recently without fanfare or any desperation on my part and so far, it's just nice and slow.

I've found I really enjoy my alone time - and I have a lot of it - but I've done my share of trying not to care if the men stick around or not and I'm bored with that non-committal shit. I'm not asking for rings or picket fences. Simply if I'm going to make room in the spare time I have for them (and when I'm doing theater, it's not much), they need to see the value in that by being a good person and showing they're interested in me and making an effort. I'm done with anything less (famous last words.. right?).

So ok - this is lengthy, but it has been a while. In summary: We've learned some things. Hug your mother. Hug your friends and neighbors while you're at it. Donate to the aid for Japan already because - Jesus - there are no words for what's happened and is still happening to them. Breaks. My. Heart. I send my love to them. To you. Sweet dreams kittens..

2011 - You Are My Bitch

2011-01-05T01:10:00.001-08:00

One of my friends said in December that she was going to take 2010 out back and shoot it. Well, she said, she was going to light it on fire, laugh at it, point, and then shoot it.

I told her to get in line.

I make the same resolutions every year. Silently - as if to say outloud I'm not really making any because I don't want anyone to know there's anything to fix because I think I'm pretty awesome actually.. but while 2009 was a difficult year on my heart and I hoped it would simply get better, 2010 went for the glottal artery and took blatant potshots at my ego. The heart will always recover once you realize people aren't who you thought they were or where exactly they were in their lives when you met and it can all make sense. The ego.. well.. it's fragile like the soft spot on a baby's head. You have to keep it warm and wrapped up in cute little hats so it's nurtured and you become a well-balanced and nice person. But if you say.. kick it over and over because you just want to see what happens.. well, that's going to be one messed up baby.

Maybe it's the mood I'm in tonight - I turned on something mellow to finish up some cleaning around the apartment before I went to bed and The Weepies came on. Let me just give you some advice, my four dear readers: Do not, NO, I say, DO NOT listen to The Weepies if you are, in fact, anywhere near something resembling emotions where your face may leak from your eyes. They have the Power to Evoke. Yes, they do! And DEAR GOD DO NOT make one of their songs one of your cute little lovey dovey couples songs because FOR PETE'S SAKE AND ALL THAT IS HOLY.. you will NOT be able to listen to one iota of a note for maybe like almost TWO YEARS without gushing into pile of said evokey feelings. No, you will not. Take it from me.

So NOW, here we are.. I'm getting all evokey due to said Weepies making me actually weep slightly, which kind of annoys me that they have this Power and all and I think someone should be taking note of this and reporting it to the right people (hellooo?) - and I think well, maybe I should make some resolutions this year and do my best to stick to them. Say them outloud even AND in print! Then you are accountable! You are responsible for doing all you can to meet them! And you are shouting it! Which clearly means you are dedicated! You are committed! Or just annoying the upstairs neighbors..

Anyway.. here goes:

My 2011 Resolutions: (in no particular order)

* Shoot 2010 in the face.

(Oh. Right. Did that. Oops.)

* Be on time - for everything.

Doesn't matter what time you get there if you're not on time. All the work you do after that point is simply discounted sometimes. Better to be on time or better, a little early. I think I just have this thing about waiting and not liking to do it. Must change perspective.

* Listen more, be more collaborative and more cooperative.

I do this annoying thing called interrupting, which I am getting better at.. but worse still, when I take on projects, I make them mine. ALL mine. So much mine that I become quite the mama bear about them - rather territorial and then there's no room for other opinions unless everyone agrees with me or has ideas that I like. Yeah.. people don't like that so much.

* Choose better words.

When being 'direct and honest' I need to be cautious. This is partly for me and partly for everyone else as a courtesy. I work well with directness and honesty to and from others. At least when someone is direct with me, be it harsh or not, I know where I stand. When I'm direct with those who may not know me well - and even with those who do - I can come across as blunt or abrasive. It's not usually meant that way and most times I certainly don't think I've said it that way, but thinking before speaking can help with how my candor is received and perceived. And yes, it's something I really need to work on. This one's a toughie.

* Speak less.

Seriously. My opinion doesn't have to be heard on Ev.Ery.Thing. Shocking, I know.. but a friend of mine absorbs.. and then speaks.. and it's just so wise. He's an old soul tho and I should do more learning from him. I wish he could teach me how to control those impulses. I swear sometimes words are just like jumping beans inside me needing to get out. Would Children's Benadryl knock them out or would I just be comatose all the time? Lesser of two evils? Hm.. see what I mean? Mouth. Closed. More. Often. Period.

* Be a better daughter/granddaughter/sister.

My family life was pretty dysfunctional growing up. I think my brother and I have realized we're softening and it's good to reflect on that and treat each other more like friends. That said, my mother and I haven't found that common ground very often. It's only briefly and infrequent and the other times are way too much like I'm still 17 and living at home and can't wait to leave. I want more understanding of my mother so I can prevent myself from getting to that place where she hates talking to me and I hate myself for becoming that bratty 17 year old. I should also talk to my grandmother more since she's the last one left living.. and she has some great stories she needs to tell us, I just know. She's quite the character.

* Find my bliss.

I don't know what this is or how to find it. It's a lot more vague than I even understand right now, but it just popped in my head and tho it's cliché, it's something true. I need to find what makes me happy so that I don't pull someone else in and subconsciously ask him to be it for me - because it's not another person. It's inward and it could take most of the other things to fall into place before I can get there.. but I want it out there so I'm accountable for making sure I find it - whatever it is.

2011 started out 180 degrees better than last year when someone stole my bag with everything I needed to identify myself and I didn't get it all back for 24 hours. I knew right then that 2010 was cursed - I'd be ok, eventually, but it would be a seriously uncomfortable and disconcerting year filled with unexpected surprises - and not good ones at that. As much as I fought it, it took its toll on me over the course of the year and I finally and mercilessly kicked that shit to the curb and slammed the door in its face when the clock struck midnight this last weekend.

I've been out with two of three guys from that night who sparked an interest and who are still interested after initial dates - amazing! There's one left to meet up with next week, thank you. I am not sad for that situation. That would be looking the finally open Cute Boy Gate in the mouth now, wouldn't it?

I had a massage yesterday and it reminded me I needed to do more of that throughout the year - that whole just taking care of myself sometimes. Do less. Stop taking on so much. Stop making it all about myself. Be nicer, be kinder.. breathe..

2011 - no pressure.. but here I come. Brace yourself.

Sick Of The Sugar Plums..

2010-12-15T14:00:00.000-08:00

I don't know if you've heard.. but the holidays are here. I know, right? The first diamond commercial I witnessed was actually before Thanksgiving. Nooo! The shock! The awe! All kinds of party fouls here. Who do I call? Who do I need to write in order to tell them they broke the non-spoken holiday rule of waiting for the appropriate amount of days before Christmas to kick out the overindulgent materialistic messages? Someone should know. Tho 'someone' would probably to tell me to mind my own Grinchy business.

Seattle is dark and grey once winter officially kicks in. Not that rain is new.. I continually (mis)quote David Hyde Pierce from Sleepless in Seattle when he says it rains nine (ten) months out of the year in here. It's depressing even if you've lived here for 15+ years like I have. We're a depressed area, which is why, when the sun does make an appearance, there's much rejoicing. You really notice the difference.

But until spring, we're now settled in with the gloomy feeling and if you live in a sweet and cozy mother-in-law that can feel rather cave-like at times, it's sometimes so dark on rainy mornings, you don't naturally wake up from the growing light of day. Because hellloo.. there's NO light. Good thing there are such things as alarms.

I'm a fare-weather fan when it comes to holidays. I love this time of year when I'm comfortable spending what I want for friends and family and ache for time to find the right little things for them. I go out and celebrate with drinks on girl dates and burner events. Splurge on funky gifts for the many white elephant holiday parties. But when money is as tight as it is now, and I wish I was exaggerating, but it's pretty tight, the weight of the pressure to reciprocate feels heavier every day. My friends and family are beyond the obligation of it. We just like to spoil each other. Finding the right gift for Mom is never easy because she buys everything she wants for herself the whole year round, but I'm still grateful for everything she's ever done for me and I'd like to try to show her that. Doesn't matter she's hated pretty much every gift I've ever wrapped for her except her Mother's Day ring.. scored big on that one. If I had enough money to wrap a bundle of it up for her don't think I wouldn't. It's the only thing I know she'd appreciate for certain.

I take each day as it comes, hope for the best, something more full-time in the nannying to come, interviewing, trialing with families.. and keep my head up. I went thru my bills and looked at what I could reasonably live without and cable and my sponsored child were the losers (Netflix and the gym weren't even considered. You can't be serious about cutting the things that keep you sane, you know..).

The cable wasn't anything to be upset about, but I was unexpectedly emotional when I reached the Children International rep on the phone. They're so personal and kind - not at all call center-ish, and it's something I've avoided all year because it isn't that much - but there's a point where even $25 makes the difference in borrowing money from your brother or not in order to make rent.

I was grateful the rep told me the child would be sponsored by CI til they found another, but it still broke my heart. I cried when I hung up, got in the shower to get ready for rehearsal and cried some more, and cried til the mascara went on. At some point you have to pull yourself together and focus on what's positive. And besides, it's a waste of good mascara to cry once it's on.

I'm seeing someone very casually - a cute 29-year-old commitment-phobe wine distributor and the no-expectation part of it is fine right now. It sometimes comes with a bottle of wine so I can't sneeze at that.

I was a bit crushed not to get cast in our spring show, Rocky Horror, but I'm learning a lot by assistant directing the next one opening in January, The Cut. The cast is phenomenal and so committed. They're inspiring.

And in case you didn't hear about Snowpocalypse in Seattle, which virtually shut down the city the Monday before Thanksgiving at rush hour, here's a couple of examples for you (that shiny stuff in the picture is ICE - helloo crazy people in shopping carts INSANELY sledding down it!).

It changed to SnOMG in many of the hash tags on Twitter and became endlessly entertaining for anyone with a little time to shoot some video, take pictures or go sledding in garbage cans/lids and um.. yeah, shopping carts. The video happened a few blocks from my house. Clearly, we're a city that doesn't believe in chains.. until it's too late. Whoops!

I know I haven't been writing a lot in the last few months and finding humor in the disappointments has been hard. Sometimes I feel like I've lost any amount of funny I ever had and then I hang out with the two little boys I nanny and giggle all day or I read something hopeful like this or watch something like this and think, hey, at least I don't scream like a girl every time I get attacked by an otter. I'm just saying.

This holiday, however you celebrate, think of your neighbors, the homeless, the lonely, the elderly and others less fortunate. Donate a blanket to a shelter, give an extra dollar to your waiter even if it's crappy service, bake some cookies for your office or just close your eyes and think good thoughts for those you know and love. I think any positive energy sent out into the universe is a good thing.

** On that note, a special virtual hug to Shine and her roommate Kim who's side she's been at while in the hospital struggling with stage 4 cancer and its complications including a very scary surgery today. Thinking of you both and so glad she has you, Shine. Your nickname has never been more appropriate.

Happy holidays everyone! Let's kick this difficult year to the curb shall we?

Family Focus

2010-11-09T00:36:00.000-08:00

I've tried to start a few different posts. I don't think the entire time I've had this blog that I've ever skipped a month, let alone two. I can't seem to finish my Burning Man adventure not to mention the two-day-broken-water-pump-ranch escapade on the way home. To top it off, I didn't even provide a birthday post. What self-absorbed Scorpio misses a chance to talk about herself? Seriously.. I'm really not living up to my full potential.

Telling the story backwards or forwards still means there's a sucky part right in the middle and that's part of the reason I can't get myself to relive it and getting past it has kept me awfully busy. And quiet. I'm not a fast writer most often either and if things don't happen fast lately, then I definitely lose track of time, responsibilities, meeting friends and things that are kind of important. But suffice it to say, I'm ok, mostly happy, trying to figure out my next career direction and hope things fall into place soon.

The best parts have come in bits - all involving a life high coming back from Burning Man with a whole slew of new friends and a new community in my Hippocampus camp. There were ladies' nights, a downtown frat club takeover, birthdays, Seacompression weekend and a spa night. There are some people I've grown closer to and it's never a bad thing to make solid, new friends. I could've used them a lot sooner this year, but I'm just happy to have them now.

And then somewhere in there, the absolute best part of all of this is I met one of my half brothers, Carlos. I met him shortly after the burn and had an instant sister-crush. But I only got a couple of hours with him. So this last weekend, he and his girlfriend, Tara, came up for my birthday and it couldn't have been a better present.

We spent time with my own family since my mom had come into town as well, we wandered the markets, had drinks in my favorite speakeasy and I even got brotherly birthday gifts of keychain mace - of course being the little brother he has to be the protective one - and furry goggles for future burns. Win! I missed him as soon as he left so in a couple of weeks it'll be my turn to spend a weekend with him in Portland - and this time, I may get to meet my first sister, the oldest one. It'll most likely be without Mama C just because sibling time is so important to me. I love my newest mother, but we're 30 years apart and there's a lot of religion surrounding her. I'm now the oldest sibling to two sets of brothers and sisters.. and I've never had sisters. I've never had siblings who look like me, who I feel instant chemistry with, who light up all the nerves inside knowing we are similar people with all our passion and fire. We're strong-willed and have stronger personalities.

It's weird, but it's a huge sense of validation and belonging. My mom will always be my mom, my brother my brother - I love them, that's not in question. Even between blood relatives you might have the same disconnect problem. But in this case it was clear from the moment I met Carlos and certainly from this weekend that we strike positive chords in each other and it's completely energizing and addicting. I kind of want to spend all my time with him.. and I think he said the same thing.

I don't know what my future holds.. like honestly. It's scary.. but this year has been nothing but ups and downs, curves thrown I thought might really get the best of me - which really did once in a while. I know I have a thousand things I still have to work on personally, but hell, I'm 39 now. I'm somewhat of a grown up. I don't look it.. but I hope I'm starting to act it even if some situations don't always reflect that. I just have to keep thinking I'm eventually going to be on the right track, find my way, and whatever other cliché I can think up to focus on the positive. I have a community now like I never did before. That's what really matters.