Miss Jenin : Always a dreamer

it's time to let go

2026-03-21T08:36:26.569-07:00

This time, let me be honest and rip my mask.

I'd never felt comfortable when people called me doctor, outside of workplace. The reason could be a few, one, I have always forced myself to like my job, and I don't want to think about if outside of my working hours. Second, please see me as a person beyond that title. Third, I had always, always, envisioned that this is a temporary stint, I'm just holding on to save money to do things that I love. Things that people thought wouldn't give a stable income, things that I used to love but after spending many years in medical field, I've lost even the skills in things that I was passionate about.

But I can't force myself to try to stay in medical field anymore. I can't lie to myself anymore. In a week, at least 1 day I would cry on the way to work. And during work, when I got overwhelmed or mentally exhausted my brain fog is so bad that I think that someday, nauzubillah, my patients' care might be jeopardized. I can't force myself anymore. I've tried. I swear.

This is really the time to let go.

I know that it is a noble job, it is a fardhu kifayah, but it is not for everyone. And you know yourself, when you are at the point of breaking down.

Facing a patient's death and moving on

2025-06-29T02:06:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum w.b.t

A 2-months-old child just succumbed to death today at dawn. He was brought in by his parents to our Emergency Department 2 days ago in already critically ill condition. We provided treatment, but his organs are already shutting down. Finally, today morning, after two separate episodes requiring CPR, he survived the initial one but did not make it through the second.

When I recall back, I just resuscitated in an automated way. Staff Nurse noted child pulseless, attended child, provide resuscitation with the team, then withdraws when specialist on call announces to stop. Checked for signs of life- nil. Fill up the death cert while awaiting forensics team to arrive. Doing everything without feeling emotions. Was I just numbed out because it had been somewhat just a task to do? Astarghfirullah hal Azim.

I took a time to reflect, maybe it's because the child had been critically ill with no signs of recovery, that my mind had expected it to go this way and my heart has accepted it. And that if he survived this round, it might just prolong his sufferings. If he even survived, he would have a poor quality of life, with poor perfusions to the brain throughout his illness. Maybe, maybe that's why I don't feel too sad.

Although from a healthcare staff point of view, this is the best for the child, we could not expect the family to be feeling the same, easily. As I washed up, continue other pending post-call tasks and finally getting ready to go home, the child's parents' life might be crumbling at the same time. However hopeless it might have been, they of course had prayed for the miracle that their child would survive, healthy. And the family would grieve deeply as we carry on with our tasks. However easy it is for us to think logically that it is better to let go, the family would take time to accept. And it is important for us, too, to empathise.

Of course, there are other instances when we as healthcare worker also took time to accept, when the child was previously healthy and suddenly passed away. When we felt like we should've done better, when we felt like there's still something we could do.

This is a brief glimpse of a clinical healthcare worker, facing cases with morbidity and mortality as we go. Trying, not to feel too much and yet not too little. To keep our heart awake and humane, yet to be able to carry on and move on.

Finding motivation to write again

2024-12-10T07:28:00.000-08:00

Writing used to be something that I was very passionate about, used to be a part of me. I used to fill up notebooks with my thoughts and reflections (in the form of short essays, or poems)

But since past few years, it doesn't come as naturally or as easy anymore. There are few reasons, one of the reason earlier was when my mother, who used to be an avid follower of my writings in this blog, passed away. That caused me to struggle to resume writing from the end of 2014, until I finally able to process my latent grief and started writing back around 2017, Alhamdulillah.

Another reason, which I am still struggling till now is that I'm worried that I might be judged from my writing. I would always, always aim to write good things, with moral messages. At times I would promote things that I believe is true, such as my faith, or justice for the oppressed. (Although there are times where I'm just sharing my boiling emotions, intrusive thoughts or just sharing some humourous events -- but my ideal piece would be as stated above)

I would worry, what if people said "Ahh she writes this, but she's like that" "she's not doing as what she wrote" Those thoughts were the ones that kept my writings hidden in drafts folder. Or worse yet, not even halfway done.

I wonder why do I have to see things in negative way -- well, shouldn't my writings inspire me to become better, just like I wished it could bring some benefits to those who are reading it.

I hope I could write again, write beneficial stuffs instead of my rants. Amin.

The reason why

2023-08-13T21:26:00.001-07:00

When your heart gets heavy

And you feel like you can't get going anymore

Remind yourself of the reason why

The reason why you're hustling, despite feeling out of place

The reason why you wake up to serve another day, despite getting back home with tears inside your car

The reason why you endure those long hours at work, despite wanting a simple life

The reason why you brave up the insecurities of making mistakes and wrong decisions which could cost lives

I just want a simple life

But I'm here

And I believe He'll not place me in a place I shouldn't be at

So while I'm here

Let me strengthen the reasons

So that I find more meanings in things that I do

It's okay if you are not perfect

2023-01-22T08:59:00.001-08:00

It's okay if you make mistake

You don't have to be perfect

It's okay to take a break

It's human nature to rest, too

It's okay if at times, you can't hide your vulnerability

You don't have to be strong at all times

It's okay

Pat on your back because you've survived today

Doing the best that you can

Pat on your back when you try to correct your mistakes

And face the consequences which come from it, without running away

Pat on your back for working hard

Yet pat on your back for making sure you eat proper meal and sleep on time, too

It's okay

Let's face life as it is- as humanly possible

As much as we tell ourself to aim high, to strive harder, remember that

Putting too much pressure on ourselves might make us break, too

It's okay if you are not perfect

Doktor wanita dan bidang obstetrik

2022-11-06T05:19:00.001-08:00

Sekarang, sedang viral video yang melabelkan lelaki dayus apabila membenarkan isterinya diperiksa atau anaknya disambut kelahiran oleh doktor lelaki. Komen2 di bawah video tersebut pula menunjukkan ramai yang bersetuju dengan video tersebut.

Walaupun ada yang claim sudah ramai doktor perempuan dalam bidang O&G, tapi bila berada dekat department itu sendiri, memang x cukup untuk penuhi permintaan semua. (Bahkan ratio pesakit- doktor kedua2 lelaki dan perempuan pun sangat tidak mencukupi)

Realitinya bukan mudah untuk menjadi pakar o&g. Antara semua department, secara peribadi untuk saya memang department inilah yang paling mencabar fizikal, emosi dan mental. Setiap pagi berdebar sebelum masuk kerja.

Walaupun dulu waktu interview selepas spm cakap nak jadi pakar O&G, lepas dah tengok dan rasa sendiri, memang surrender dan minta dijauhkan daripada bidang ini sebabnya kita boleh ukur baju di badan sendiri ( apapun kita tak tahu masa depan bagaimana, manusia hanya merancang, tapi Allah menentukan).

Bukan semua orang mampu dan sesuai, dan setiap orang ada kelebihan masing2 yang sesuai untuk jadi bermanfaat untuk masyarakat. Kalau semua doktor wanita jadi pakar O&G, kita akan kehilangan kelembutan dan hikmah daripada wanita2 di bidang pediatrik, pembedahan, ortopedik, psikiatri dan sebagainya. Dalam setiap bidang, ada pesakit-pesakit wanita juga dengan masalah-masalah yang khusus untuk wanita.

Untuk wanita-wanita yang bekerja dalam bidang O&G, moga Allah ganjari pengorbanan, mudahkan perjalanan dan menguatkan anda. Tabik spring dengan anda.

Buat yang mahukan doktor2 wanita untuk menyambut kelahiran isteri/ ahli keluarga anda, moga anda dapat memupuk minat dan kesedaran, membina kekuatan dan menyokong ahli keluarga anda untuk menjadi ahli dalam bidang obstetrik. Ketahuilah bahawa setiap cita-cita itu panjang dan bukan hanya bermodalkan air liur.

Protecting a child

2022-10-28T07:03:00.003-07:00

Assalamualaikum w.b.t

Did you know that, even if a child is from your blood line, from your womb, your position as a legal guardian is not absolute. You’re their legal guardian, caretaker, so long as you’re making the right decisions for them. But once you’re making decisions which may cause harm to them, your right as a legal guardian at that moment no longer takes place. That’s when Child’s Act will take place, and a legal body will be appointed to decide for your child.

A while ago, I was accompanying Dr A to Red Zone to counsel parents who wish to discharge their child from red zone against medical advice. Now, when I say Red Zone, how would you imagine of the child’s condition? Would it be just mild runny nose – low grade fever – comfortable child, active as usual? Of course not!

That child is, in fact, having labored breathing, requiring high flow oxygen. Chest X-ray shows lobar pneumonia (lung infection). This child will require hospital admission for oxygen supplementation and intravenous antibiotics – with close observation in acute bed at the moment. Worse comes to worse, he might need to be transferred to high intensive care ward for higher ventilation support.

So, what will happen if the child is brought home? 1^st – he will have difficulty breathing without oxygen supplementation. 2^nd – the infection will worsen without intravenous antibiotics. No way will antibiotic syrup be enough in this case. The child could go into septic shock – and other added complications. The child could collapse anytime.

But of course, Dr A did not want to activate Child’s Act without listening to the parent’s whole story. Perhaps they are blinded by many other social and logistic issue that they could not see – the most urgent thing here, is that their son’s life is in danger.

Initially only the mother is with the child – about 3 years old age boy. When explained regarding the boy’s condition, the mother insisted on not admitting the child. She was on the verge of crying – it was understandable, since she is still in confinement period, having another smaller child she need to take care of. She told us to speak to his spouse, as his spouse is the one making the decision.

When the father arrived, he is holding a baby. There’s no one to take care of the baby at home that night – hence, while the mother and the sick son is at Red Zone, the father was taking care of the baby in the car. So for the conversation to take place, I had to hold the baby outside red zone while Dr A counsels both of the parents ( of course, how could healthy babies be allowed inside red zone – he would be exposed to infections)

After what seems to be like 30 minutes, the parents finally agreed to admit their child. On our way back, Dr A explained what the issues were actually – they are not financially well, the father can’t afford to get a leave or else he’ll be fired. They're concerned that if the mom and the 3-year-old stays in the hospital, who will take care of the baby? But when explained regarding the condition of their boy – his parents understood the importance of admission and managed to get a close relative to take care of baby at home.

From this case, we can learn a few things – 1^st of all, if you’re a parent, know that your child is protected under law until they’re 18 years old. They might have not reach maturity to decide few things by themselves, and you are held responsible for deciding what’s best for them. But when we, healthcare workers saw that you’re not making a reasonable judgement, we might need to get the law involved.

Secondly, we, as healthcare worker (or any other professional dealing with kids), never ever judge the parents too soon. Listen and discuss, try to find a solution. People who are heard, hear better. Believe that the parents actually want the best for the child, however some life circumstances make it difficult for them to think reasonably at that moment. We do that hoping for the best, that even when the parents refused, they are well informed of the effect of their decisions.

All in all, I thank Allah for the opportunity to learn these lessons – and thank you Dr A for showing empathy which I should take for example. Hopefully you guys, whoever are reading this, are doing well, exploring the lessons Allah has in store for you too.

Footnote :

An excerpt from Child's Act Malaysia 2001

17 (a), (b), (c), (d), (e) was not included in the text to keep in relevance with the story

Meaning of child in need of care and protection

17. ( ) a child is in need of care and protection if—

(f) the child needs to be examined, investigated or

treated—

(i) for the purpose of restoring or preserving his

health; and

(ii) his parent or guardian neglects or refuses to have

him so examined, investigated or treated;

The art of not giving up

2022-10-06T08:39:00.005-07:00

Life is mastering the art of not giving up. Life is realising that not all good moments lasts, but difficult moments doesn’t lasts too. That tests are essentials, that things may not go as you expected. That’s life.

And choosing to love yourself means choosing to face all of it. The good part and the bad part.

Of course, it would be a lie that there wouldn’t be a time where you feel sad or heartbroken or tired. Take some time to be gentle to yourself, however, remember to pick yourself up to face reality once again. You should be the the last person to give up on yourself, come what may.

Life is realising that there is no eternal rest in this world. That there is no eternal happiness in this world. If you envy other people’s life, know that they’re facing their own struggles.

Thoughts about marriage

2022-04-04T17:03:00.000-07:00

"Is it hard?" I remembered asking kakak on her early days of married life.

She was ironing her husband's clothes, looking puzzled, as i explained further.

" I mean, previously we have to put commitment to take care of ourselves, now we have to take care of others. Previously we only need to take care of our own clothes, our own food. Wouldn't it feel like a burden?" I continued.

"Actually, on the contrary, I feel happy doing this. I feel happy that I'm doing this for someone I love," she said.

Then it started to make sense. I felt happy when I could iron my parents clothes, or cook for my little sister. Because they are the ones that I love, I naturally want to care for them and want to make them happy. I don't feel burdened by it.

These memories came back to me as i started weighing on starting the first step of building a family. At my age, it would be a lie if i tell that i had not started thinking about finding a spouse. However, there are a lot of fears that make me stop from even taking the first step.

Am I ready for the commitment?

Would we regret marrying each other if we see our own true colours? How do we know that he's the one for us?

I know that there's istikharah, but there's also part that we need to put effort in choosing the criteria of our partner.

However, i feel ashamed to put my criteria if I myself am lacking.

I shouldn't rush just because i felt lonely and needed companion. I need to be at least, half prepared for what's ahead.

So in the end, the most active step I could take right now in preparing for marriage is self-betterment. My ibadah, my akhlak, my values even when I'm alone and when I'm in the society really needs to be rechecked. (sigh)

This seems like a very little step, but it's a big step for me as previously, I was thinking of abandoning marriage due to fear. But because it is an ibadah, I trust Allah that there must be good in it-- when started on the right base.

Marriage is like perfecting half of our deen, so working on my own half of deen right now would be the first step.

Other than that, I am currently taking tips from others regarding preparation for marriage and considering on buying a book about marriage -- would really appreciate a good book recommendation.

Please pray for me that I could prepare myself to be a better future wife -- so that I'll be more confident in taking the next step.

Tanya Khabar

2022-01-06T08:19:00.001-08:00

Bertanya khabar pun ada impak yang besar.

Terus-terang, sebagai seorang introvert, bukan kebiasaan aku untuk mudah bertanya khabar. Mungkin aku lebih kepada memerhati orang dalam diam.

Tapi bila mendewasa, aku sedar pentingnya untuk bertanya khabar dalam bergaul dengan masyarakat. Lagi-lagi sekarang, bila aku bekerja dalam bidang yang perlu memberi perkhidmatan kepada masyarakat.

Nak tahu tak kenapa benda ni penting? Ni satu sisi yang aku baru nampak baru-baru ni.

Kadang2, ada orang yang tak tahu sebenarnya mereka perlukan bantuan dan kita boleh beri bantuan kepada mereka kalau kita tak mulakan dengan bertanya khabar. Bukannya mereka tak mahu meminta tolong, mungkin mereka tak sedar pun yang mereka berada dalam suatu masalah dan kalau sedar pun, mereka tak tahu kepada siapa mereka nak minta pertolongan.

Semalam, aku kena jaga ward SARI perempuan obstetrik/ginaekologi. Ward SARI ni kiranya ward orang2 yang bersimptom atau ada covid contact tapi result covid mereka belum keluar lagi atau result pertama negatif, dan menunggu swab kedua.

Ward SARI, sbb kebarangkalian untuk positif itu ada, maka kita akan treat sebagai positif sehingga terbukti negatif. Jadi, kalau nak masuk perlu pakai PPE. Bkn keluar masuk sesuka hati, tetapi masuk secara berkala dan mengikut keperluan sebab kita pun nak kurangkan risiko jangkitan kepada petugas kesihatan. Selain pada waktu masuk, kita akan menghubungi pesakit melalui telefon.

Nak dijadikan cerita semalam, aku masuk dengan donning PPE untuk review pesakit selepas Caesarean section. Sambil2 tu aku tengok keliling, waktu tu nak dekat pukul 12 malam, jadi pesakit lain semua sedang tidur. Cuma ada seorang pesakit ni duduk.

"Puan, kenapa tak tidur lagi?"

"Tak dapat nak baring doktor, bengkak peranakan."

Eh, paniklah pula aku. Bengkak peranakan?

"Sejak bila lagi ni?"

"Malam semalam, dr."

"Ada bagitahu siapa2, doktor pagi td ke?"

"Takde"

"Dekat kak staff nurse pun takde bagitau?"

"Takde dr, saya ingat ni normal."

"Bangkak kat mana, cuba tunjuk?"

Lepas tanya betul2, dan periksa badan pesakit, rupanya pesakit 2 hari dah tak dapat kencing dengan baik.

Yang "bengkak peranakan" tu rupanya pundi kencing yang penuh dengan kencing selama dua hari. Bila pasangkan wayar kencing, 2 liter air kencing yang terkumpul!

Rupanya pesakit tak tahu, ini anak pertama. Ingatkan normal untuk tak selesa begitu. Jadi dia senyaaap je. Ni hari ketiga selepas lahirkan anak secara normal. Memang melahirkan anak secara normal ada risiko untuk dapat "urinary retention". Cumanya sebab pesakit ni hari pertama dia dapat kencing dengan ok, jadi kita dah tak monitor dia punya kencing. Rupanya dia tak bagitahu keesokan hari dia kencing tak puas, sakit nak kencing, terkencing atas katil dan dalam pad.

"Puan, benda ni tak normal. Sepatutnya puan kena bagitahu. Ni hari kedua dah, bahaya. Tadi besar sangat dah pundi kencing tu. Puan dalam ward SARI, kena bagitahu, takut kami terlepas pandang kalau puan senyap je."

Aku membebel sayang.

Tapi lepas tu aku minta maaf, sebab kekurangan kami dari segi penjagaan pesakit2 SARI berbanding wad biasa.

Alhamdulillah lepas masukkan wayar kencing tu pesakit okay, pundi kencing kembali ke saiz normal. Boleh baring elok dan tidur. Alhamdulillah.

Kita akan pasang dulu wayar kencing tu selama 48, lepas tu test balik boleh kencing secara normal tak. Kalau normal, boleh off dah wayar kencing. Tak normal, kita bagi discaj dengan wayar kencing selama seminggu, dan tengok balik bila check up kat klinik lepas seminggu.

Kejadian ni aku ambil sebagai pengajaran untuk diri sendiri, walaupun tengah sibuk dengan hal lain, untuk tengok sekeliling (screening) dan bertanya khabar. Sebelum keluar dan doffing, boleh tanya balik je secara umum kepada semua orang, puan semua okay, ada apa2 masalah?

Walaupun ni apa yang saya aplikasikan di tempat kerja saya, harap-harap berguna juga untuk diaplikasikan di tempat lain.

Pengajaran ni pun dapat bila sebelum pergi kerja tu, ada dengar sharing tentang ihsan. Dan bagaimana ihsan di tempat kerja itu pun satu bentuk dakwah. Shoutout to Aida + Team AA

Tetapi lepas keluar doffing tu, banyak je lagi yang ter-uji tentang ihsan, banyak yang fail lagi, banyak kena improve lagi. Kadang-kadang ada juga masa bila kita bertanya khabar, lepas tu eh alamak tambah pula kerja aku, menyesal pula tanya haha. Tapi bila kita nampak ada cara kita boleh tolong seseorang, moga Allah mudahkan kita untuk cuba yang terbaik. Kadang2 mungkin kita cuma penyampai yang mana kita boleh carikan orang lain untuk tolong orang yang hadapi masalah tu.

It's okay, let's do better tomorrow ☺️

Sekian coretan ho cabuk yang selalu ada masalah tidur malam bila postnight.

One moment I shouldn't forget

2021-02-04T08:09:00.001-08:00

I couldn't sleep tonight, so before i start going into overthinking spiral.. I think I should take this time to write about one happy moment in my life as a houseman. With hope that, when I need this later, this could maybe give me some strength. InshaaAllah.

Last thursday, I've got the chance to enter one spinal vertebra operation, TLIF**. In overview, the operation is aimed to relief pessure from nerve roots. Patient initially came with reduced sensation and motor weakness of left lower limb. It was preceeded with a sports injury around 5 years back, done an operation at that time, recovered, however the same problem recurred since a week prior.

It was probably the longest operation i've ever witnessed. I was just a runner, two specialists and two MOs scrubbed in. To be honest, i was quite blur because this was the first spinal vertebra operation i've ever seen. Alhamdulillah for the opportunity.

What makes me happy was the next day, when we were doing morning rounds. We did a neurological test on the patient and his sensation at left lower limb improved. Patient was also amused by this, and he sweared he wasn't lying when he told he can feel! We were unable to test motor function of left lower limb due to pain at the moment. However, i got to know from those who worked during his day of discharge, his motor function also improved!

At that moment i felt a jolt of happiness. Almost to the point of crying. Is this how doctors feels when patients improved? I wanted to frame that moment. That feeling.

I was feeling down 2 weeks prior to this moment. I was feeling like maybe i wasn't cut out for this job. However, that happy feeling gave me hope. This is why I'm here. To help people, right? To help people have a better quality of life. To put a smile on their face (I think opening a cake shop will do the same, but yeah i don't have the modal yet 😂)

It doesn't always turn that way though. We feel despair when patients come back with worsen condition. Worsen infection. Was there something wrong? Did we miss important advice, did we miss to emphasis on follow ups and medication/ wound dressing compliance?

However, happy moments like these make us feel hope. And being able to witness this and feel this, is a gift indeed to keep on going.

In the end, la hawla wala quwwata illa billah. “There is neither might nor power except with Allah”. In the end, we are only trying within our means and knowledge from Him. The cure come from Him and only Him.

I don't know what tomorrow holds. 3 months into this job and there are still many first times for me. And a roller coaster of emotions.

May Allah give me strength to keep trying to improve myself.

** TLIF : transforaminal lumbar interbody fusion

= A surgery where we we remove an intervertebral disc and fuse together two or more vertebra(e). One of the indication is for recurrent prolapse intervertebral disc.

2 months and a week

2021-01-22T18:47:00.001-08:00

(written on my bad day 18/1/2021)

It had been 2 months and a week since i started housemanship. How's it going?

To be honest,there are good days and bad days.

Days that i felt that i've gained some confidence and think that i'll be able to endure 2 years if it.

But there are also days that i made silly mistakes and started getting anxious about not making any progress. Days that i have doubt about myself, whether this job is for me. Yesterday and today was these kinda days, hence i write to proccess my thoughts.

There are things that i am grateful about, like the supportive environment. Alhamdulillah in my current department, from all layers there are no toxic environment at all. I have no one to blame except for myself, if i feel unhappy. I admit i do have some kind of excitement whenever i entered the operating theatre. I looked forward to it. I looked forward to the CMEs classes.

But is it worth it, with the kind of pressure i feel everyday, of being incompetent, of coming home with the pressure of so much more i need to learn. Of waking up with the fear of making mistakes. I wonder if it is worth it, this kind of insecurity i feel?

Or is there another place where i could feel comfortable in my own skin. Where i could use my talents better. Where i could grow with my own pace.

So here i am, writing. Just in case i need a back up career, my childhood dream was to become a writer. It may sound absurd right now, after all these years struggling to graduate medical school.

But who nows?

Right now i'll try not to give up yet. I'll try to make up for what i'm lacking. Logically speaking, in this covid times, i need a job more than the job needs me. Another pushing factor is that i actually aspire to become a psychiatrist. I should endure this for my long term goal.

But tomorrow, if it gets too hard. I hope i wouldn't think too much about what others will think. Because i am the one who are facing this.

*********************

Additional edit on 23/1/2021

Alhamdulillah the days after the bad days were better. Alhamdulillah for the strength Allah gave me to face another day at work. I'm thankful that i take my time and not make any rash decision at the time.

Today I'll face the same thing as what i've faced on the bad day. I hope i'm able to do it better. I have to work harder. Pray for me.

The Highs and The Lows

2020-06-13T10:36:00.002-07:00

Assalamualaikum w.b.t

I never knew I could, or would, write again. I used to have so many things I wanted to write, but failed so because of time limitations, but lately I didn't even have the desire to write. Surprisingly, there was one time that I have an outburst of emotion but I chose to voice note a friend, and another time I used a sound recorder to self-journal instead of writing. I thought that, perhaps, my personality has changed too much, that it's hard to write again.

But not today. Today, I feel the need to write again.
Today, I am going to document in a nutshell of what I'm feeling since I've reached home in Malaysia, 3 months back.

A. THE HIGHS

Alhamdulillah, here are too many things that I can't be grateful enough for :

- My flight is 1 week before MCO in Malaysia
I could never imagine this could happen. On the day that I booked the flight, the cases in Malaysia is still around 22--no spike, controlled, stagnant for few days if I'm not mistaken. There was only 3 cases in India. I was thinking of delaying my return home--it feels a little bit of a rush actually. Packing up, emptying the rented house, dealing with all the documents, selling my scooter--the saddest part is, I didn't get to say proper goodbye to my friends and neighbours. But Alhamdulillah, there was some instinct, that I have to rush in case Coronavirus worsen, I would face with more difficulty in the process of going home.
True enough, if I delayed a little bit more-- I might have been stuck in India for a longer time, because the border would be closed. That's a bad situation- given that my Visa is nearing expiration date, my rental contract is over, and I have no purpose of overstaying-- I have completed my internship.
I might be able to go back, but the process would be lenghtier, and I have to be screened and compulsory quarantined for 14 days regardless of the result.

-I am with my family
I am blessed to do what I couldn't do the last 7 years, I got to spend a lot of time with my family. Many people, during MCO, are separated from their loved ones. My friends in India, my relatives who are working as frontliners, my friends who are working in Peninsular Malaysia while their family is in Sarawak, and so many others. I am very fortunate, Alhamdulillah, that all my nuclear family member are staying in the same home during MCO or within the same area (my sister is staying almost 5minutes from home LOL). Alhamdulillah I am not alone, I got company, I am surrounded with the people I love, the most supportive persons I could ever have. This is also the time for me to re-pay my parents by doing good deeds to them, and also the time for me to get re-acquainted and become a functioning physical (previously virtual) sister to my sisters. We're given the chance to spend our Ramadhan together, and got to see papa doing his best as the Imam of the family 😊

- There's enough food on the table
My younger sister and I had always been avid supporter of #stayathome since first day of MCO. We would always root for MCO to be extended whenever there's press conference. We have a little bit of paranoia, but that's only because there are high risk individual at home. We want the graph to go as low as possible--before the world can work as usual. But that's not the luxury that everyone can afford. after two weeks into MCO, some people get it difficult- there's no more savings, but they can't go out to do their jobs, especially self-employed, based on sales, kais pagi makan pagi. There's one headline of a couple crying on the strees because they can't feed their family anymore. The reality of the situation-that soften our hearts to those who are struggling. Let's help them with what we can and keep them in our prayers.

-Friends I could contact
You know who you are. People who I can talk with, text with, and just be me to keep myself sane. Most importantly, some special ones who I can share my reflections and knock some sense into me when I am being, repeatedly, an ungrateful servant of Allah. Andddd I also got to do what I had always wanted to do-- re-connecting with old friends. I moved around, that had lead me to lose contact with a lot of precious friends, adding to that I've gone through some difficult phase during my study years that I went asocial for about a year or two. MCO has given me agreat chance to reconnect, Alhamdulillah. How? Just find them in FB or Insta-- ask them how they're doing during this MCO times. They'd be glad to hear from you! (hopefully they're not pretending to be glad-- but well, relationships take time to rekindle, I'd just give it a go) Alliza, if you see this, I can't contact you from anywhere and I've missed you too!

-Keeping it Simple
I wore a very comfortable cotton baju kurung for raya-- no need to really be bergaya. We mostly cooked our own dishes for Ramadhan and Raya, and our parents are just as accepting, whatever the dishes turned out to be. No bazaar, means no overspending. Just need to control those online shopping though--those promos are blinding, but need to differentiate between need or want.

B. THE LOWS

-Adaptation

I left Malaysia when I was 20 years old, that was like early adulthood. But I don't really think I got to really experience adulthood in Malaysia before, all I did was study, in a college away from the city. But then, when I got back here, I am already 27 years old! Sometimes I feel too old to learn things that people my age should know well already in this country. What are the social norms here? What to say, what not to say. How to deal with the bank? How should I address people of that age or social status? Encik, Tuan, Pakcik, Abang, Adik? How much is the actual price for a thing, is that considered expensive or cheap? I don't even know places very well. It is actually a stretch, that it could be tiring, to accept that there's a lot of things you have to learn. And you can't help but hope that people would excuse you for not knowing trivial things for your age. I've been away for almost 7 years, surely many things I haven't experienced, many things have changed since I left, or many things are just different from how it is in India-- so I hope that people would give me some mercy if i made mistakes.

-Sense of Independence

Here's my life in India-- I felt more adult, more independent there. I know the places. I am familiar with the breakfast pakciks, tea aunty, the hospital security guards, the vegetable hawkers, Mrs Soraya the neighbour, the house owner, the supermarket cashier, the friendly nurses. I have a scooter that I don't have to depend on another people to get things done. Of course, I do get help from friends and acquaitances in certain areas. But, well, you get what I mean? Due to familiarity, I know what to do there. Here, not really...sometimes I felt like I am a dependent, child. Perhaps once MCO is over, I can get out there, get a job somewhere, things would be better.

-Friends in India

I missed you already! To malaysian friends, because you're my second family! We celebrated Raya together, even with tak cukup serai apa. I know things are difficult there during the MCO/lockdown but you've survived so many things in India, you can get through this too!

To some of my Indian friends whom I got to know better during internship, thank you for being a sport and accepting me as a person! All the best to you guys.

CONCLUSION

Alhamdulillah for the highs and the lows, for I learnt with both. Things are going to get different after this, with RMCO. Hopefully I'll be able to adapt more, explore more and grow more, may Allah give me strength and patience for that.

More than that, let's pray for the situation around the world to recover. Amin

All I need

2019-06-29T10:53:00.001-07:00

All I need is you, ya Allah
To take care of me.

All I need is you, ya Allah
To make me feel whole.

You can have all the richness of the world*
Friends surrounding you
A good position that people look up to
But you can't deny
That hole in your heart

So ya Allah, take care of me
In my ups and my downs
In a crowd of friends or in my loneliness

For none can do it better but You.

*just kidding. No, no one can have all the richness of the world. Be it the richest king or mark zuckerberg equivalent

To the man of our life

2019-04-02T11:10:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum w.b.t

Looking back, I'd realised
I'd never really showed my appreciation towards papa openly
But really, I wanted him to know, to be able to always remember this, and read this whenever he wanted.

I want him to know that he had gave his best to become a father to his 3 daughters.
It's not easy for a man to raise a daughter, let alone 3 daughters.
Physiologically different, emotionally different, with different needs and desires.
To add more challenges, even the three of us have very different personalities and interests.
(just look at our different career paths)

I remembered the awkwardness that I felt when he took the role of both parents when mama passed away. He used to be a silent carer, caring in action but not much in words, that sometimes i missed to notice how he has always been there. Because mama was the mediator- I'll tell things to her, she told those to him- and then he do things which sometimes i don't even notice, until mama told me.

Like that time when I was small and getting the dreaded haircut, i was crying because i thought the barber was making rude comments about me. I told mama, didn't tell him. The next thing i know, the barber no longer works there. He was fired, because my father complained to his employer. And no, my dad never told me about that (FYI, even till now). I got to know about that because my mom and siblings leaked me on it when we went to the same mall where there's the salloon. They said, my father was really angry at that time, no wonder he got fired.

The first year after mama's in a better place, I knew he was struggling, so I decided on something that wasn't really wise-- I chose to act tough, and didn't open up to my family whenever I'm having a problem.

But right now, I've realised, no matter what happens, the one that can give you continuous support is your family. So I've decided to open up, tell what I'm facing, share what I'm going through. I started to get his opinion, advice, and the special weapon parents have: prayers. And he was, always there, alhamdulillah.

To papa,
Alhamdulillah, now that the grey clouds have passed, our family are getting bigger and merrier, and each one growing up with your love.I'm sorry for all the troubles i've caused, the worries or headache. I hope I can be your investment for the akhirah

You've done well, papa. From the start, till now. May Allah bless you with His love, care and guidance. . Amin.

The Prophet (pbuh) said:

If anyone has a female child, and does not bury her alive, or slight her, or prefer his male children to her, Allah will bring him into Paradise. (Ahmad, authenticated by Al-Hakim, graded Hasan by Ahmad Shakir)

Jabir ibn Abdullah (may Allah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet (pbuh) said:

Whoever has three daughters and he accommodates them, show mercy toward them, and supports them, Paradise is definitely guaranteed for him.

Thus, someone asked the Prophet, what if they are two daughters only

He replied, “[He gets that reward,] even if they are [only] two.“

Some of those present believed that had the Prophet been asked about only one daughter, he would have answered that the reward was applicable too. (Authenticated by Al-Albani)

The robe, the scroll and the title

2019-03-12T08:56:00.001-07:00

The black robe, the scroll, and the title, are always associated with pride.

But really, if we only realise the reality behind all these, there will only be humility and gratefulness.

Because behind the degree, there's the will of Allah to let it happen despite my flaws. He guides and give me reasons to keep going on. Behind the degree, there are family members who are always supportive in my ups and downs. I believe, even previous doa from mama plays a part in this. Behind the degree, there's selfless friends who always lend helping hands. (i should learn to be more like them)

This is just the beginning. God knows how much fear i have of the future, of the unknown. But I hope with every step, it would be a step of gratefulness and humility, for a bigger dream, to be a servant of Him, to give back to others, and to build a better society.

Do pray for me and remind me when i forget.
Love, irah.

Finding ways

2018-11-11T23:42:00.001-08:00

It had been a roller coaster ride, i s'pose.

Sometimes i do feel like there's no way out.

Sometimes i do think that things are just going downwards, period.

But, no.. Maybe, it was just our limited field of vision.

O My servants who have believed, indeed My earth is spacious, so worship only Me. (al-ankabut : 56)

This ayat was sent down when the sahabi was being oppressed for embracing islam. The torture was too much, until they become restricted to perform their ibadah to Allah. Some of them were locked up, they couldn't attend the meetings with Rasulullah to further understand the quran. They were unhappy, really unhappy, with this condition.

Then, Allah consoled them and opened up their horizons with this ayat. His earth is spacious, there must be a way out. There must be a solution for that situation. The solution was hijrah, which is to migrate to another place where they could freely embrace islam and fully become His practicing servant.

His earth is spacious. It is His earth after all, He would give ways for His servants.

For me, maybe it wouldn't be literally migrating. I would still be here. Only that, i wouldn't anymore succumb to regressive condition which will eat me up.

Because i need progress. If i don't, i would die. I would be physically alive, but my soul, my ruh, i would slowly, lose it...

The progress would start with myself; acknowledging there's so much loops in being a better holistic servant of Allah that i need to focus on improving. Identify it, and work on it. Practically. So much, so much to do..

This is for you

2018-09-21T13:32:00.001-07:00

This is for you
Those struggling with the inner demons
Those striving to fight their self-doubts
Those who are worried about others perception

This is for you
Those that, despite all that,
Call out to Him in the darkness
Try to find the way out
Seek out for guidance

If not by running, by walking
If not by walking, by crawling

This dunya might be a difficult test
But know that the greater the test,
The rewards are greater
There might be a lot of falls
But Allah see all those moments of efforts
Even when others don't.

This is for you fighters
Run, walk, or crawl
But never give up

Till then, hold His words tight
In the sunniest and darkest moments.

This is for us.

O Controller of the hearts make my heart steadfast in Your religion”

يَا مُقَلِّبَ الْقُلُوبِ ثَبِّتْ قَلْبِى عَلَى دِينِكَ
‘Ya muqallibal-qulubi, thabbit qalbi ‘ala deenik

Shahr bin Haushab reported:
I asked Umm Salamah (May Allah be pleased with her), “O Mother of the Believers! Which supplication did the Messenger of Allah (Peace be upon him) make frequently when he was in your house?” She said: “He (Peace be upon him) supplicated frequently this dua.

[At- Tirmidhi].

210918, hidayah (28:56), 2 bowls of fries, doughnut, coffee, 5 serious girls with giggling fits in between.

Belum terlewat

2018-09-15T01:28:00.001-07:00

Belum terlewat
Untuk yang sedang mencuba dosa
Untuk yg sedang berdiri di garis-garis kelabu
Belum terlewat

Belum terlewat
Kalau benar-benar mahu

Perokok tegar,
Takkan pernah terus hari pertamanya
Terus sepuluh batang

Kadang kita rasa tak apa
Baru merokok sebatang dua

Sebelum melangkah lebih jauh---
Dari samar putih, kepada kelabu dan hitam
Inilah masanya
Untuk betul2 kembali

Till we meet again, R

2018-06-25T06:08:00.001-07:00

"Fatin tinggal kat mana?"
"KL.."
"Nanti aku sambung kat *****"

"Dalam kalangan korang, siapa yang boleh bawa kereta?"

It seems so simple. Yet it brought me to wear my (sheepish) smile.
Because the hidden meaning was,
"let's meet up later, once you are back home"

Aww..

This words, coming from quite an antisocial girl few years back.. Who, along the way, had turned out to be a friend.

Dear R,
You will be heading on another, perhaps a very different journey. May you be given strength to endure all the challenges. And all those times spent here, is not really a waste, when you have chosen to grow up through it with courage. Know that, what others think doesn't matter anymore---if you are clear of your path. May Allah bless you always and keep you in His guidance, that's the utmost important.

Forgive me, your quite annoying makcik-y friend. For all those small quarrels, nosyness and naughty banters. If you get hurt in any way, please don't keep it in your heart.. I'm sorry. Let's make it up over two bowls of cendol pulut later, kay?

With love, FS.

P/s : or perhaps 3 bowls of cendols because makcik AC was the one who cried fat tears when you left. And she annoyed you more than i did all these time, didn't she? Hehe 😆

Mak Cik Som, trek jogging dan ramadhan.

2018-06-21T10:23:00.001-07:00

Mak cik Som nak sihat.
Mak cik Som awal2 dulu bukan biasa jogging pun, jalan sikit pun dah penat. Tapi sebab keperluan kesihatan, dia gagahkan jugak nak mula. Start dari jalan2 dulu, lepastu brisk walk, lepastu dah boleh jogging suku trek, separuh trek, separuh suku trek,lepas tu dah dpt maintain keliling satu trek. Semua tu dia buat dalam masa sebulan. Hebat tak hebat?

Lepas dah dpt achieve keliling satu taman tu, dia terus stop. Stop bukan alang2, stop 11 bulan. Lepas tu rasa x sihat, dah lemau, baru nak start balik jogging.
Tapi dah xdpt dah terus satu taman. Kena jalan balik.

Alih2 benda sama je. Dah ulang 3 tahun. Sayang. Potensi dah besar. Tapi sihat sebulan je.

Sayang kan?

Macam tu jugak. Kalau lepas Ramadhan, kita biar diri kita merudum macam tu je.
Waktu Ramadhan kita dah capai potensi yang lebih baik, perbaiki diri.
Mungkin tiap orang beza2 part yang mahu dan cuba ditingkatkan. Boleh jadi solat, hubungan dgn al-quran, nak tinggalkan maksiat, bahkan nak sedekah, kontribusi lebih kpd msayarakat. Boleh jadi kita aim nak meningkat dari sudut kualiti atau kuantiti.
Tapi sayangnyaaaaa bila lepastu kita biar je diri kita kembali kepada asal yang kurang baik.

Memang mencabar, sebab syaitan dah tak terpenjara, biah solehah pun dah tak se-inviting sewaktu ramadhan, tapi kalau betul kita anggap Ramadhan ni training untuk bina taqwa, maka selepas Ramadhan ni lah battlefield sebenar kita.

Nak tahu bagaimana berkesannya ramadhan kita, tengoklah diri kita selepas Ramadhan.

Cik Som sebenarnya boleh jadi marathoner. Kalau dia konsisten. Bahkan boleh meningkat lebih lagi.

Ramadhan is a beginning. It's not a temporary course. It's not the finishing line.

Let's try to strive harder, each day.
Learn our lessons from last Ramadhan, don't just bury it under a time capsule to be opened next 11 months.

Ramadhan lepas, sejujurnya aku bermula dengan kesedaran bahawa 11 bulan lepas, aku muslim yang entah apa2. Ramadhan lepas membuka pintu musahabah--untuk aku mula, perbaiki diri yang telah lama dibiarkan senang lenang suka hati tak selayaknya sang hamba.
Ramadhan, aku rindu kamu. Tapi kamu adalah sebahagian hadiah yang telah pergi-- yang penting apa yg aku pelajari dan apa yang ku manfaati daripada kamu.

Apa yang telah kalian pelajari sepanjang ramadhan lepas?
Dan soalan yang lebih penting, apa yang kalian bawa dari ramadhan?

*mak cik som sekadar watak hiasan. Tetapi gaya jogging mcm lebih kurang empunya belog ini cuma mak cik som lebih hebat.

Heavy rain and two stranded girls

2018-05-23T12:27:00.001-07:00

I personally prefer studying at the library during the day, but at night, i am more comfortable studying at home, except for few times. But that night, i decided to go for a change. Well, actually, with a little heavy heart, if not being motivated by a friend who wanted to have some study discussions that night

And that exact night, the night i choose to get out my comfort zone, the day i brought my lazy feet to that place, the rain choose to pour down abruptly, heavily just a little earlier before the library closing time.

So there we were. Two girls stranded at the hospital hall by the time the library has closed.

It was not just rain. It was more like, a thunderstorm, with lightnings. The road was flooded, and the electricity went off, so no road lights.
Not a wise decision to ride home with our scooters....

That time, I was questioning and complaining in my heart "why today? Whyyyy? Do i have to sleep here? Really no food to eat during sahur", It was really embarassing to admit.. How weak my iman was at that time. But that was what happened. While my friend remained quite cool and positive at that time.

All i could see was this is a test, test, test... Though many times Allah has said, that rain is a blessing from the sky to the earth...

20minutes went by.. (ya rabbi, it was only 20minutes but i was fretting like it was hours)
Suddenly(not really suddenly?) an auto arrived, bringing patients to the hospital. We decided to take those auto.

Though it was pitch black and the road was flooded, we arrived back home safe and sound. What touched my heart most was the kindness of the auto driver--- he charged us minimal amount of money. He can charge us as many as he wanted, we were two girls desperate to get home. He can give many excuses to take extra fees, like how many auto drivers had done to us--- extra night fee, extra weather fee, extra foreigner fee, from rs 50 can even go up to rs200, if not more! Worse case scenario---he can even not bring us home. It was pitch black out there. He can take as many advantages he can over us, but he didn't. Alhamdulillah. He just said, give however much you want, fast go home, thunder! And my friend just handed rs50.

The day i thought i was doomed (being overly dramatic), was actually the day i ended up coming back home smiling, touched by the sincerity of a stranger.

There are many things i learnt that day too, to be more grateful. When we were going down the library hall, the lift stopped at level two, the paediatrics hall. The floor was filled with family members sleeping. 😢 i was worried about having to sleep at the hospital hallway while others really had no choice.

Also, I think that, me going there that exact night, was actually Allah's act of love to my friend. She might have to survive this alone, if i didn't go that day, since she would study there almost every night... That destined thunderstorm day, other friends went back home early due to exam day fatigue....

What I learnt was, to always have faith. Sometimes easier said than done at the moment, if we were not fully aware. Those tests are actually blessings in disguise. Those days that were out of ordinary routine, were usually those days we learnt some new things and our heart gets awakened.

Go through whatever destined for you with a big heart-- and you might be surprised with what you bring home.
Maybe if i was more patient at the first strike, i would gain more.

Anyway, alhamdulillah. For the good and bad days, that make me more human. A submitting human to You, a striving human to be better.

-21/5/18-
Simple things that i don't wanna forget
Cause i forget too many things
And life's too short

Anak bulan

2018-05-16T10:59:00.001-07:00

Me : Rasa x prepare lagi nak Ramadhan kali ni. Cepat sgt rasa. Kalau boleh nk hari Jumaat.

Y : weh, samalah. Tadi pun fikir camtu.
........ Tapi lepas tu tetibe rase jauh pulak kalau jumaat. Takut tak sempat.

😭😭😭

InshaaAllah, kitorang sambut Ramadhan di Davangere Khamis, 17 mei. Buat pertama kalinya sama dgn Malaysia. Buat pertama kalinya anak bulan muncul awal di langit davangere.

Jujurnya mmg tak prepare. Aku tahu hati aku macam mana spjg 11 bln sebelum ni. Apatah lagi amal.

Jadi petang tadi sebelum maghrib, aku keluar. Petang sebelum dicanang masuknya bulan Ramadhan.

Keluar menghadap tasik. Mahu menatap alam. Mahu sendirian. Mahu muhasabah.

What happened to you?
Who are you?
What do you want, really?

Bertanya pada diri sebelum aku menangis, aku rasa tak kenali diri aku sekarang.

Mahukan iman tapi leka.
Mahu redho Allah tapi tak sanggup berhadapan kesusahan untuk beramal dengan sebenarnya.

Tapi Allah, bukankah Ar-Rahim?
Dia hadirkan bulan ini, untuk kita buka buku baru..
Sudahlah.. Masa untuk mula. Start again. However messed up I am.

Saat aku mahu melangkah pergi dari tasik, terasa berat. Matahari dah mula mahu terbenam. Pemandangan jadi makin indah sampai rasa xnak lepaskan pandangan, taknak tinggalkan tempat ini. Cantik.

Jadi.. Bagaimana aku rasa aku boleh lepaskan peluang syurga macam tu je?

-irah-
One dramatic day for an introvert

You are not forgotten

2018-04-22T11:49:00.001-07:00

I am afraid that I would forget her
Her touch
Her smile
Her voice

It had been almost 3 and a half years. When i talked to close friends, of course there would be stories of you, sometimes things we do together, or how you made us feel loved, or sometimes just random funny things about you, just like how others tell people about their mom. You were my born best friend.

You are never alienated from my conversations even after your death---that you can ask my friends. (one day)

But recently I realised--now when I try to remember you, it takes more time than before. Your exact voice. The exact feeling I feel when we hold hands... It is stored there in my memory.. But i am just scared... Scared, because I can feel it is fading.

I can flip through pictures and it still feel different than meeting in person. I can watch videos, (which was scarce, didn't really have decent cameraphones back then) and it still feel strange.

Is it normal, to forget the details about someone important to you, someone very close to you, just because she's no longer here by your side?

Yes, you are no longer here in this world
But I hope I would never forget my promises to you
That we would meet again, in a better place
A place where there is no more sorrow, no more separations.

For that, I, have to strive harder
To please Him, the owner of both worlds,
The Dunya and akhirah.
Despite my past ignorance,
Despite my recent rebellions,
I am only a servant.
I too, will return, to my Lord
And I do forget this too often..

It was your passing that reminded me of this. It's not that I want to cling to memories of you because i want to keep on grieving, no... I hope not. But I don't want to forget to pray for you. I don't want to forget what I learnt from you and pass the deeds forward.

The Prophet (peace be upon him) said:
" After the death of a person, his (or her) actions stop, except three things that he leaves behind: First, continuous charity, Second, a knowledge from which some benefit may be obtained, Third, a virtuous son (or daughter) who make dua (pray, supplicate) on his behalf." Related by Muslim.

You are a gift from Ar-Rahman
And there's always a hikmah in everything. Even in losing you. When I lost you, I started finding my way back to Allah. I started to realise that even when I have dreams and plans of my future, the only guaranteed future for me is that I will face death. People would feel like it's taboo in linking future with death, but losing my mom changes that. I don't want to lose this one life to regrets. But I always forget.

I don't want to forget you, and your passing away, cause I would forget myself and how I found my way back.

P/s : one amazing thing about her- she bought kakak's wedding gift 9 months in advance just because she knew she wouldn't likely be around to witness that day. Till her last day, a loving mom.

To adek, she loved you lots too. She wasn't supposed to be there during yr secondary school graduation (kena jaga exam rasanya) - but she asked permission from her superiors at school to spare her that day, because she thought it is an important day for you.

You see me raw

2018-04-20T01:35:00.001-07:00

Al-Hajj 22:11

وَمِنَ ٱلنَّاسِ مَن يَعْبُدُ ٱللَّهَ عَلَىٰ حَرْفٍۖ فَإِنْ أَصَابَهُ‌و خَيْرٌ ٱطْمَأَنَّ بِهِۧۖ وَإِنْ أَصَابَتْهُ فِتْنَةٌ ٱنقَلَبَ عَلَىٰ وَجْهِهِۧ خَسِرَ ٱلدُّنْيَا وَٱلْءَاخِرَةَۚ ذَٰلِكَ هُوَ ٱلْخُسْرَانُ ٱلْمُبِينُ

And of the people is he who worships Allah on an edge. If he is touched by good, he is reassured by it; but if he is struck by trial, he turns on his face [to the other direction]. He has lost [this] world and the Hereafter. That is what is the manifest loss.

get Quran App:https://goo.gl/w6rESk

This ayat is a heartshot reminder, of how much at edge I am in being His servant. When given nikmah, my gratitude only last a day or two. When tested with difficulties, my humility only lasted for the same.
Then I moved on like nothing has ever happened. Like I was never indebted, when He gave me strength, hope and happiness.

He gave me too many, too many to even be described. He gave me the opportunity to study the quran, He gave me loving & supportive family, He gave me wonderful bunch of (weird) friends, He gave me education opportunities, health, shelter! How much I took it for granted...

Oh Allah, others may see me covered in layers
But you see my heart raw
You know how empty I am nowadays
While trying to hold firm to faith and keep moving forward for others
You know my flaws and my distractions towards an-nafs
And time keep moving on... Fast!
Less than a month for Ramadhan, and I am in complete mess!

Oh Allah, help me when I forget
For I have no real saviour except for You..
Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me..
Forgive me... Over and over again.
Let me hate those jahiliyahs
Let me hate it
Let me hate it now and forever
And never turning back

Need to work hard to get back to positive and productive 2018!