The plan was to shut down this space. To clear everything out and write one final goodbye. To eventually start again, most likely in private, writing for myself like I used to. It was a good plan. It came from a desire to be truly open and honest in my words…in my space.

Plans change.

I am still here. Trying to make sense of the chaos of life. Stealing moments from my kids in order to put down my thoughts. Reheating this morning’s first cup of coffee for what seems like the fifteenth time. Replaying again, in my mind, other plans that I’d had.

I am finally able to admit, as much as I’d like to plan everything, as much as I want my life to progress in a orderly and organized direction, I can’t. I am not capable of planning for everything. It’s frustrating, and often a little heartbreaking that even after all these years, I still get caught off guard.

Some things are unexpected.

Accidents. Moments. Choices. Requests.

Lately, I’ve been struggling with what to do with the unexpected. How to proceed from there. And I’m frustrated. Upset. Scared. Confused. I want to throw away my plan and not bother with the waste of time making a new one would be.

I don’t want to plan anymore.

I want to live.

1. “No more rhymes now, I meant it.”

“Anybody want a peanut?”

-The Princess Bride

2. “It’s supposed to be a challenge, that’s why they call it a shortcut. If it was easy it would just be the way.”

-Road Trip

3. “Its so fluffy!!!”

-Despicable Me

4. “Snozzberrry? Whoever heard of a snozzberry?”

-Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

5. “Thundercats are GO!”

-Juno

6. “I’m not even supposed to be here today!”

-Clerks

7. “Nobody puts Baby in a corner.”

-Dirty Dancing

8. “I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!”

- Zoolander

9. ‘Vegas baby! Vegas!”

- Swingers

10. “They’ve done studies, you know. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.”

- Anchorman

December was chaotic. An unexpected death in the family sent us to California for a long weekend. As a result of the expense, Elijah and I decided not to exchange gifts and we tried to scale back our other purchases.   We did, however continue the tradition of taking the kids shopping for their gifts to mom and dad.

True to form, I did the shopping online, letting them pick various things from Elijah’s Amazon wishlist, and he ended up with the first two seasons of Archer, a book, and a t-shirt.

He, always the “hands on” parent, asked each child what they wanted to get for me and then took them out separately to pick out my presents. Amelia told him she wanted to get me a magazine. From that I got a subscription to Real Simple, a Starbucks card (for something to drink while I read), and a gift certificate for a pedicure from my salon (for somewhere to read the magazine. Asher wanted to buy me a book, and remembering how much I’ve been wanting one, Elijah helped him pick out the Nook tablet.

Knowing how difficult the holidays were going to be this year, he went out of his way to make my gifts special. Using ideas from both kids, tailored specifically for me. I am continuously amazed by this man’s generosity and thoughtfulness, and unbelievably touched by how much he loves me.

He totally won Christmas this year.

It’s not that I haven’t had anything to say, instead, I think I lacked the desire to say what I was thinking or feeling out loud.

2012 was a difficult year. And I just wasn’t able to share those difficulties here, no matter how much strength I receive from those who visit and comment. Instead I leaned on the people closest to me, and tried to remain in touch with my online friends through Instagram, Facebook and, on the rarest of occasions, Twitter.

I’m still not sure how much of me will inhabit this space in 2013. I do miss being here. But I’ve so enjoyed living my life without the added worry of how I would document it.

I know I’ve discussed the difficulties I have balancing the various aspects of my family, career and personal life. I feel like I’m constantly searching for a way to fit everything together neatly, and do all things perfectly. Although, I realize perfection in all things is impossible, I can’t help but want to find a way to live a better, fuller life. Either way, I’m hoping to continue balancing my life as I have these past few months and also work on adding in new aspects that bring me joy.

This post is a start. I’m hoping it’ll be one of many in 2013.

Here’s to a more joyful new year!

We all survived…barely.

I’ve never been the type of mother to worry over her kids growing older. The more independent they become, the more joy I get from parenting. I love watching them grow, seeing who these little people are becoming.

However, this year, preparing for Asher to begin 3rd grade, remembering the little man who snuggled into me every evening, sort of choked me up. I’m a mother beaming at her growing boy and tearing up about the loss of her first born son – all in a single breath.

He’s fantastic. He will do amazing things. And I will smile and sob at the same time.

I am not surprised.

There were, of course, some of those idyllic summer moments:

Watching the fireworks from an armchair on the back of Elijah's pickup.

Paddle boatin' on Lady Bird Lake with Asher.

A trip to San Antonio where, according to Amelia, we stayed at "the store with the beds."

Unfortunately, it seemed like we spent most of the days bickering about how much time had been wasted in front of screens, still in our pajamas, with me longing for an earlier bedtime. In my mind, I know I did my best, factoring in the kid’s ages and my extreme sleep deprivation, but in my heart, I wanted to do better.

I wanted to give more.

I wanted to be more.

This summer also included some very serious personal and professional heartbreak. I’m hesitant to say more than that but hope that those who are aware of what happened continue to keep me in their thoughts. Accepting my mistakes and moving past them is proving to be difficult.

Therefore, this post is a reminder to “move along.” Put the past into perspective, take what lessons and memories you can from it, and let the rest go.

I realize that I can’t change what I did and didn’t do this summer. Similarly, I am unable to alter the surprisingly insensitive behavior of others. However, I can refuse to continue carrying all this baggage around with me.

I’m much better at planning moments than I am at enjoying them. In fact, I think I’d actually prefer to plan things for other people to enjoy. I don’t know why I’m this way, but I am old enough to accept that this is probably something about me that isn’t going to change.

Unfortunately, because I have trouble letting the days unfold organically, I have this fear that I will miss out on the magic of watching my kids enjoy their childhood. I don’t want them to look back on our summers together as one giant to do list, full of start times and expectations for planned fun. I want them to have wonder and spontaneity, even if those are the very things that make me craziest.

Also, I want to enjoy it.

That’s probably the most difficult thing about this endeavor. Not only do I want my kids to enjoy life, I want to enjoy them enjoying life. WTF?

Seriously though, I’ve been offline lately because I’m attempting to capture at least a few magical moments that will define this summer for them. Moments that will cancel out the days I spent sleeping off a night shift, or screaming about laundry and dirty bathrooms. I’m busy trying to create moments that we can dust off throughout the chaos of next year and use to inspire us for more moments in the years to come.

Pause for effect…

I am now 35 years old.

Take a breath…

I’m not exactly sure how I got to 35 but honestly, 25 seems forever ago. And while I’m certain that I’d never want those years back, I’m not so sure I’m ready to blow out the five candles that lead to 40.

I feel like this post should be momentous. A list of what I’ve learned over my 35 years on earth. Something profound and filled with wisdom. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on your outlook, that is not to be. It’s not because I haven’t learned anything about life these past years. The truth is, I’ve made enough mistakes to easily fill this page with all sorts of good advice I’ve never followed. Interestingly enough, though, when I look back on my life, the only thing that truly comes to mind is…

PHEW!

As in:

My kids seem happy and healthy in spite of me…Phew!

My husband is still here after 13 years of nagging…Phew!

My career gives me joy and freedom instead of stifling my spirit…Phew!

That’s not to say that I’m always content with my life, that I’ve never wondered how things might be had I made different choices. Would I still be happy had I not gotten married so young? What if we hadn’t had kids? Or didn’t have two? Why on earth did I go to nursing school anyway?

I think that I will always have moments of questioning. (I’m convinced it comes from those ridiculous “choose your own adventure” books I read as a child.) However, in spite of those questions, looking back on my life I love that I can say:

Yesterday, I turned 35.

Phew!

I am damn lucky.

image courtesy of her daddy

Amelia turned three this month.

It’s been a big year for her. She started school, got out of diapers, and discovered the Disney Princesses.

She is a full blown girlie girl, preferring tutus to pants and requesting pedicures on a regular basis. She loves to shop and is responsible for picking out several pieces in her ever growing wardrobe.

(I just cannot say bear to say no when she walks up to me with whatever frilly new thing has caught her eye.)

She can be maddening and wild with a temper too big for her little body. But she is also sweet and loving, revealing a heart much bigger than her temper.

As my baby girl gets older, I realize how much I love watching her grow. Seeing her react to the world around her fascinates me in a way I cannot describe. I am anxious (but not too anxious) to see who she becomes, as her personality reveals itself a little more every day.

I am totally overwhelmed by how much I love being the mother of this little girl.

I am having trouble finding balance.

Balance between what’s expected of me and what I expect for myself.

Balance between what I want to and what I must do.

This balance thing is tricky. Just when I think I’ve got everything figured out, something changes, and I’m not one who appreciates change.

Trying to keep my life in balance has left me guilty and depleted. I haven’t been inspired to write and, although whining online brings comfort from friends, it feels overdone and, well…like I’m whining.

So I took a step back. I got offline and left my Twitter feed alone. I caught up on housework, my DVR and spent way too much time lounging around in bed. We took a trip home, celebrated Easter and Amelia’s third birthday.

Surprisingly (or not), taking a break from blogging didn’t help. I need this outlet. I need to have a space to put my thoughts – even my whiny, complainy ones. I missed sharing my adventures and annoyances. I missed reading about what everyone else was up to. I missed this.

I am still trying to get a handle on prioritizing the various demands on my time. I can’t promise to post on a regular schedule because, whether I like it or not, my life is not regular…or scheduled!

But I believe it took stepping back to realize that blogging isn’t something I do as an indulgence. It’s a necessary activity. Spending time on myself, whether to write or visit others who do, doesn’t detract from, but rather helps me maintain, that balance I’m so desperate for.