I am the owner of the website www.MissingMother.com, and at some point, you all have subscribed to the site’s blog. After this mail, I will suspend posting to that blog. (You do not need to unsubscribe.)

The website itself is still up, and if you would like to contact me regarding EFT sessions, please e-mail me: carnazm@msn.com

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Whatever you do, I want to thank you for your interest in my work.

Best wishes for your healing journey,

Carna

Today is Mother’s Day, and that can be a difficult day for many of us. Here is something that can help, today and on any other day.

Building an inner sanctuary, a safe space where we can retreat in challenging times, is very helpful. It restores emotional balance and peace of mind. Find out what kind of imaginary environment is right for you.

We all need an inner retreat, a place within where we can go when we are longing for safety, peace, or emotional renewal. It is helpful to build (imagine) this space before we really need it, so we know where to go in times of emotional turmoil.

Let me help you with this little quiz to find the environment that is exactly right for you.

What describes you best?

a) You don’t like “too much” of any kind. That includes clutter, noise, chatter, people, thoughts, and actions. “Too much” drains you. You prefer “nothing”, and you would describe yourself as hypersensitive.

b) You feel unsafe, lost, and thrown into a dangerous world. You love touch and closeness, and you long for being held and contained. You need protection, and you like gentle, but clearly defined boundaries around you.

c) You are stuck in a daily routine; you feel exhausted, tired, bored, and colorless. What you are craving is renewal, a source of fresh, vibrant energy, something that moves and makes you feel alive again.

d) You feel like sitting in a cage with clipped wings. Your life is nice and comfortable, but there is something important missing: You want to be free; you want to know who you really are and what you can achieve, even if that means a less secure existence.

e) You are in constant emotional turmoil, feeling overwhelmed, angry, panicky, and whatever else makes your life miserable. High energy all the time, but it is of the negative and destructive kind. All you want is sanity and calmness.

Here are suggestions for an inner sanctuary:

If you are a)
A still pond in the middle of endless, golden grassland; a single, small tree, and a wooden bench. You are sitting on this bench, looking into the pond. There is a sense of utter peace and contentment around you.

If you are b)
A cozy cave in the hills, padded with soft moss. When you are safely tucked away in there, you can see the opening. Outside the cave is a guard at all times, for example an angel, a strong animal, or a person you trust completely.

If you are c)
You are standing in an emerald green pool under a giant, roaring waterfall. The water gushes down on you, taking your breath away. A herd of wild horses is galloping by.

If you are d)
You are standing on the grassy top of a high mountain, looking over the whole mountain range. There is an eagle right above you in the sapphire blue sky, dancing in the breeze. You feel strong and free.

If you are e)
You are resting in a hammock or very comfortable lounger in your secret garden. It is surrounded by natural stone walls that are covered with wild, pink roses. Their delicate scent is soothing. You hear the trickling of a little fountain. It is so very quiet and peaceful.

Customize your place until it feels just right for you. Go there often. (And, of course, you can have more than one).

May inner peace be with you.

First published in 2010

It’s not always because you are single while the whole wide world has coupled up and is having loads of fun on that particular day (is it really?). It can be something else. For example Disappointment with a capital D. Your significant other forgot completely or believes that some candy bar in a pink wrapper will do. He (she) might have no sense of romance and points out that it’s a corny day invented by Hallmark, and the only sensible thing to do is forgetting it altogether.

Whatever  it is that makes you sad on Valentine’s Day – it almost always ties into older, deeper feelings, often going back into childhood. What is your main emotional issue? Investigate before you start hammering your EFT points with: Even though I hate Valentine’s Day….

If you feel lonely, go back to a time in your life when you felt profoundly lonely and tap on that.
If you feel severely disappointed, go back to a (childhood) incident when you felt that way and tap on that.
If you feel ignored…
If you feel angry…
If you feel betrayed…
If you feel deprived
If you feel sad…
If you feel (whatever it is)….

That’s Valentine’s Day well spent. And you can have your chocolate anyway.

Also: Get my new kindle book THE SACRED QUEST FOR LOVE: Book 1: The Way of the Ugly Duckling for free February 14 – 18. Click on the picture to access the page. You do not need a Kindle to read it.

If you remember the fairy tale, you know why the duckling was perceived as ugly – because he wasn’t a duck at all but a beautiful swan.

In my new book, I narrate and reflect along the fairy tale, how we are feeling when we are oblivious to our real identity, and what  remembering who we really are means: connecting to our True Self, our Soul and that way finding our tribe. And so the way of the Ugly Duckling is a spiritual journey.

Take a look at my new Kindle book (click on the picture).  If you decide to read it (you don’t need a Kindle to do that), let me know what you think about it.

I am about to publish a Kindle book that is the first of a series. It is short, inexpensive, and you probably know that you don’t need a Kindle device to read it.

THE SACRED QUEST FOR LOVE
Book 1: The Way of The Ugly Duckling

It is not an EFT book, but an inspirational reflection on our journey from painful childhood trauma to spiritual wholeness, using original European Fairy Tales as a road map. I promise that you will be interested, because it is about you and me. The Ugly Duckling is focussed on the issues of “I don’t belong” and finding out who we really are.  I’ll let you know when it is available. Book 2 will be The Way of Cinderella. 

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Here is a script for tapping on the Pain-Body, which is an energy field of our accumulated emotional pain (a very useful concept that Eckhart Tolle introduced). If you feel emotionally overwhelmed and don’t know where to start, try this.

EFT FOR THE PAIN-BODY

Karate Chop:
Even though I have this dense, very active pain-body, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.
Even though I have the belief that I am my pain-body, I allow myself to relax.
Even though my pain-body creates constant agony, the time for healing is now.

Eyebrow: This dense pain-body
Side of eye: This constant negative thinking
Under eye: Overwhelmed with painful emotions
Nose: My pain is who I am
Chin: This identification with my pain-body
Collarbone: I lose my identity if I let go of my story
Under arm: This accumulation of old pain
Top of head: My pain-body loves to feed on more pain

Eyebrow: My deep pain is justified, it is who I am
Side of eye: I have a right to my victimhood
Under eye: I don’t want to let go of my pain, and you can’t make me
Nose: This hungry pain-body
Chin: I am my thoughts and my emotions
Collarbone: I am my mind and my stories
Under arm: I have the right to be unhappy
Top of head: This dense pain-body

Eyebrow: I let these beliefs and feelings go now, they don’t serve me anymore
Side of eye: I am stepping back from my pain-body
Under eye: I give myself permission to let go of my pain
Nose: I know that I am much more than my pain-body
Chin: I choose Being
Collarbone: I choose Presence
Under arm: I choose detachment
Top of the head: I am at peace

Take a deep breath.

Last week, I spent about 1.5 hours sitting in a McDonald’s. Why? you would say. Well, I was there earlier in the week and had noticed that it seems to be a meeting point for ‘marginalized’ people. Immigrants that can’t pay for internet and come there to use the free internet facilities, homeless people, elderly people that come there to talk. Somehow that is comforting for me.

I feel the same way; that I don’t belong, that I don’t have a home, not being part of a group. I know, it is very melancholic. And you know what is worse? There are many regulars; and these regulars have found their social contacts so they DO belong to something.

However, there are always some that don’t. Like that man tonight speaking with a very French accent, carrying a trolley with him. A few men were playing some sort of internet game among each other on a mobile phone and he tried to join in the conversation and be part of the small group but they wouldn’t let him.

They did not pay attention to him at all. After they finished the game, the loudest of them said: Ok, I’m going and the group dissolved. But he didn’t leave; he went over to another table where another 3 men sat and started talking to them. The man with the trolley followed and stood beside him, trying to show he was interested in joining the conversation but after another 10 minutes he noticed that he wasn’t getting anywhere and he left.

And maybe that is why I like to travel; when you travel it is obvious that you don’t belong. You are somewhere temporarily, moving from one place to another. And since you know that you don’t belong and others know that too, it becomes bearable. At those moments you don’t feel the pain and you can concentrate on the voyage itself. Getting from point A to B is all that matters; no questions asked by anybody. And at the same time the travel is a continuous search for a home; a place where I can belong.

Sadness is more subtle, like grey dust, or a darkish liquid that permeates your whole being. It is always there, tainting everything you think, feel, or do. Unlike depression, this sensation is so familiar to you that you often forget it is there, or that there can be life without it. There are individual triggers that bring it to the forefront – a painful memory, a specific song, or watching a little girl interacting happily with her mother, while yours mostly yelled at you. There is a chronic feeling of loss and grief, even if you don’t know exactly what this loss or grief is about.

This does not sound like a place where anybody would like to be, but there is another side to this feeling.

As spiritual teacher Burt Harding states: “All spiritual seekers have a deep sadness.” If you are frequently sad, just let this sentence sink into you. All spiritual seekers have a deep sadness. This feeling, as uncomfortable as it is, is an indicator that emotional (and sometimes physical) pain and suffering is a call to go deeper, in order to find the truth, to discover who you really are as Soul. Sadness shows us that we are not there yet, but that we are well on our way.

The German poet Rainer Maria Rilke put it this way: [These feelings of sadness] “are moments when something new has entered into us, something unknown; our feelings grow mute in shy perplexity, everything in us withdraws, a stillness comes, and the new, which no one knows, stands in the midst of it and is silent.”

Looked at it this way, you may be able to make friends with your sadness.

Have you ever considered that you could be emotionally hurt or traumatized by something that has not happened? In other words, something that should have happened but did not? Such a Missing Event can create a hole in our heart that never heals, especially if we don’t even categorize it as a traumatic incident – precisely because it is something that did not come into being.

I give you an example from my own life: It happened when I graduated from High School (in Germany where this milestone is more academic than in the US, you have to pass an extensive test). At the end of this scary and exciting process, there was a formal celebration with the students and their parents.

Only that in a class of about 30 students, I was the only one whose parents did not show up. Not that I expected my unfriendly stepmother to come, but even my father said that such an event would be “boring” and he preferred not to go.

There I was, alone among all these students surrounded by their happy families. I did come up with some sort of solution: Instead of isolating myself, I joined several family groups, as if by accident, just to say hello. That way, I never appeared to be completely on my own. Still, my farther’s absence hurt me deeply.

Other examples for Missing Events: Your boyfriend of many years did not ask you to marry him. You did not get the job promotion you have been hoping for. You did not get first place in the competition. You did not get pregnant. Your best friend did not remember your birthday.

Since Missing Events by definition did not happen, we tend to deny their importance, play down their impact. (“I didn’t want this job/this guy anyway.” “Who cares about birthdays.” “I am not competitive by nature” – and so on.)

That does not mean that we shouldn’t move on – but we often do that before we have acknowledged and grieved, yes, grieved the loss of something that was, at some time, very important to us. If we don’t do that, this hidden wound may foster underground and cause strange reactions, like jealousy if somebody else actually gets what we used to need or want.

This is what I suggest: Think about what Missing Events happened in your life. Start early in your childhood, because that bicycle you did not get for Christmas was, at some time, very important to you and might still make you resentful when somebody else gets exactly what they were hoping for.

Then – you guessed it – do EFT . Tell the story and notice what thoughts, emotions and body sensations come up. Tap until the hole in your heart closes.

Here are some thoughts about the feeling “I don’t belong anywhere, and it hurts so much” with a tapping script. This is an issue that almost all of my clients have.

Where does this feeling of not belonging come from?

We all feel that way under certain circumstances. However, if it is a very painful feeling that comes up again and again, if it is the theme of one’s life, then it originates in childhood (and, possibly, past lives).

It is often mixed with other emotions, like loneliness, deep sadness, feeling different, “what’s wrong with me”, and abandonment and rejection. As we know, it is a basic need for children to belong, to have a safe place, to be at least validated if not cherished.

There are several childhood scenarios that bring up this ongoing, basic feeling.

Definitely a “missing mother”, which is a mother who was very sick or died, or, more common, a mother who was emotionally not connected to the child. If we don’t belong to our mother, who do we belong to? An absent father who is physically or emotionally not a secure part of a child’s life can have that effect too. 

If we did not have a safe, secure place as a child and at least one adult person who gave us that feeling of belonging, we will have this constant yearning to belong somewhere, with someone.

How does it play out in adult life?

In many ways, and all of them are painful and difficult to handle. There are two extremes: We are constantly looking for that place or person that gives us a feeling of belonging, we are needy and a people pleaser. Separation of any kind, like a divorce, the death of a parent, or a job loss is very hard on us, and we are re-traumatized when that happens. 

The other extreme is never allowing ourselves to attach to any person or place and always defending our so-called independence, which is no emotional freedom at all. We roam from place to place, from person to person, never finding inner peace.

What is the difference between fitting in and belonging?

We force ourselves to fit in where we don’t belong. It’s the round peg in the square hole, or the swan trying to be a duck. Belonging is natural and organic. It supports who we truly are. 

How do we know that we belong, and can we learn to belong?

When that happens with a place or person, or a group of people, we just know. All of a sudden, there appears the right man, woman, child or group, the right spiritual path, or the kind of work that makes us happy. We know when it is just right for us. (“I was born to do this/to belong to this family/ to be at this place/to follow this path”). Like the Ugly Duckling who finally found his people, the swans.

How do we get there? Mostly by trial and error, that is why this feeling is especially painful when we are young. However, we have to be able to learn from our -painful- experiences. It takes awareness and courage. Out of that flows the right action.

Is there an upside, a hidden treasure to this very painful issue?

That is the whole point of my work. Because it is so very painful, we can’t ignore it. The first rule is to avoid being self-destructive, or at least being aware of it. Like numbing ourselves with food or substances, playing out big emotional dramas that hurt our relationships, or even stay in abusive situations.

The very best way to handle this is to go on a spiritual journey. Finding out want we really want in life, who we really are, what people and places are good and supportive for us. At the end, we’ll find out that there is no separation. We are all one and belong to each other and to Source.

Tapping on “I don’t belong”

You agree to take responsibly for yourself during this process. If it is emotionally very intense, please contact and work with an experienced EFT practitioner.

First, tune in to your general feeling of emotional (and/or physical) pain regarding this issue and put your discomfort on a scale 0 to 10. 0 is no pain at all, and 10 is extreme. Write this number down. Start tapping on the KARATE CHOP point (side of the hand), and say out loud:

Even though I feel lost, unsafe, and out of place everywhere,
I deeply and completely love and accept myself 

Even though I don’t belong anywhere and it hurts so much,
I honor and respect myself

Even though I have never felt safe when I was a child,
I allow myself to feel safe now.

Now tap on the following points while saying out loud:

Eyebrow: Always lost, unsafe, and out of place
Side of eye: I don’t belong anywhere
Under eye: I just don’t belong!
Nose: I am a stranger in this world wherever I go
Chin: Nobody wants me anyway
Collarbone: Why am I here, what am I doing here?
Under arm: This deep, old sadness
Top of head: This constant yearning for a place where I belong

Eyebrow: This little kid inside me…
Side of eye: …needs a home
Under eye: This little kid inside me…
Nose: …needs to belong
Chin: This pain in my heart
Collarbone: I am different, I don’t belong here
Under arm: There must be something wrong with me
Top of head: I want to go HOME

Take a deep breath.

Now, rate your global pain again on our scale 0 to 10. 

If the intensity went down (or up) use Even though I STILL have/am/do… (adjust the grammar) as the new set-up phrase and go though the tapping sequence again. Repeat this process until you feel profound relief (an emotional shift), or as often as it feels right.

If your intensity did not budge at all (or the level gets “stuck” during the follow-up rounds) you have to get more specific. 

If you were flooded with memories, thoughts, emotions, or body sensations while you were tapping, you already got more specific.

Since this script cannot be as personal as a private session, you have to adjust parts of it to your needs. The following sequence is a guideline, please fill in the blanks and extend it. There is no right or wrong when it comes to tapping. Often, out of the greatest mental and emotional mess, a gem (or a whole treasure chest) evolves. Trust the process.

Sometimes, you will release an issue in a jiffy. At other times, you have to do major excavation work. 

KARATE CHOP: 

Even though I feel this …. (strong emotion like fear, desperation, sadness),
I deeply and completely love and accept myself

Even though I feel this emotion in my (body part like heart, throat, eyes),
I love and appreciate my body

Even though I have this memory of (give it a title like “Forgotten in the grocery store”),
I allow myself  to feel safe now.

Eyebrow: This (emotion)
Side of eye: This discomfort/pain in my (body part)
Under eye: This memory of (title of memory)
Nose: There is no place for me in this world
Chin: I can never get over that
Collarbone: It hurts too much
Under arm: There is nothing and nobody I belong to
Top of head: This deep yearning for a place where I belong

Continue with the specifics of your feelings, body sensations, beliefs, and memories. 

What does this current emotional pain remind you of?

When did you feel that you don’t belong for the first time?

How did you feel generally as a child?

What specific situation comes up? Narrate the story

Did the discomfort/pain in your body shift? Where is it now?

What are your exact feelings now? Did they change?

Did another memory pop up?

Could you express your feelings as a child? If you did, what were the consequences? If you could not, how did you feel about that?

Continue to “dig” and follow the trail of your memories, thoughts, emotions, and body sensations. Talk it out, make notes, and tap until you get relief.

If you feel warm or dead tired, sigh, yawn, or get bored with the whole thing – those are good signs! Your energy is shifting.

Now you are ready for the last round:

KARATE CHOP:

Even though a part of me still feels that I don’t belong,
I choose to listen to the wiser part of me 

Even though I don’t know who I would be without this feeling,
the truth is that this feeling is not who I really am

Even though I am sensitive and vulnerable,
I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Eyebrow: I give myself permission to let all that go now.
Side of eye: I give the lost little child inside me a home
Under eye: She (he) belongs with me
Nose: The time for healing is now
Chin: That was then and this is now
Collarbone: I reclaim my sense of belonging
Under arm: Separateness is an illusion
Top of the head: Nobody can get lost in this world because we are all ONE

Eyebrow: I let go of all this sadness and desperation now
Side of eye: My life is joyful and connected
Under eye: I am at home everywhere
Nose: I feel safe and secure in my body
Chin: I feel safe and secure with other people
Collarbone: I feel safe and secure in Spirit
Under arm: I trust the flow of life, I belong
Top of the head: I am guided and protected wherever I am

Take a deep breath. 

However, more often than we would like, it arrives as a storm, whirling us around like an autumn leaf. And sometimes the wind of change is a violent tornado that pushes us to the very edge of our existence.

There is crisis in everybody’s life. For one person it is a single event, like the death of a family member, or a divorce. For another it is an ongoing ordeal, like a chronic health problem.

From the standpoint of Soul -our Higher Self-, crisis occurs when we are ready to move on, when it is time to take another step in our spiritual unfoldment. Just as the butterfly “knows” when it is time to leave the cocoon, Soul strives to break free from man-made boundaries, and the heart sets this agenda into motion.

Crisis does not always stem from disaster. Sometimes it evolves in slow motion out of our lives, and we have a lot of time to react to it.

Every crisis is the chance to take a giant step forward in our unfoldment as human beings. Many people have experienced this. Under the most dire circumstances, after having gone through the most severe loss and tragedy, they not only survived, but they flourished. They discovered that life goes on, always; that there are beautiful people and experiences waiting for them, even though they believed this could never happen. They fell in love again. They discovered their true calling. They received valuable spiritual insights.

Some people take huge risks to change their lives in order to find what they have been seeking for so long. They may walk away from lucrative jobs to live out their artistic side, or they may leave their traditional churches to explore a broader concept of spirituality. Others stay, but change their attitude towards life and the people around them in a quiet, but profound way.

Ultimately, crisis brings us closer to our hearts.

The price to pay is often loss, pain, loneliness, and chaos during the time of transition; but if we work our way through the hurt and disorientation, there is a tremendous reward waiting for us: knowing that we truly are who we are meant to be.

There is no substitute for this – not money, not fame, not social acceptance, not power.

Nothing.

And yes, EFT helps immensely when going through a personal crisis.