Missy-laneous Thoughts

Making Lemonade Out Of Lemons

2022-05-09T09:16:00.001-05:00

In 2020, while changes were taking effect that impacted everyone as COVID took its toll, I saw a light at the end of a dark and lonely tunnel.

Suddenly, restaurants were closed, social engagements canceled, people laid off from their jobs in droves. I will admit, fear took a firm hold in my head. Living with only my 2 dogs in the household with me, loneliness set in hard… no one with which to dine, play board games, or just have a face to face chat.

I suddenly had all the time in the world to look deep within myself, and I didn’t like what I saw:

On too many medications that left me with horrible side effects, more “body bulk” than I desired to carry, and in constant pain. I just felt horrible all of the time.

TIME FOR DRASTIC CHANGES!

I began researching the best, natural ways to reverse type2 diabetes. That’s where the lemonade comes in…

I’ve tried 2 different dietary lifestyle changes and finally landed on the one I could make stick. I swayed back and forth between both the Page diet and a Keto diet. While I truly feel that they both work, everyone is different and have to find the one that works for them. But they also both have similarities.

These are a few things I just don’t eat anymore:

Potatoes
White and wheat flour
Sugar (with the exception of a minuscule amount of natural sugars)
Starches
Cow’s milk — sorry Dad (he was a dairy farmer)

A few things I avoided before but can AND DO eat now:

Bacon
Eggs
Steak
Shrimp (sorry, no cocktail sauce)
Lobster
Fresh (or frozen) vegetables
Pork rinds
Dark chocolate 80%+ cacao (limited)
…and so much more!

Depending on the diet you choose, some may be acceptable on one but not the other!

So a year later, after completely eliminating all RX medicines, no flour (yep, that means pizza too — although I’ve found alternatives to traditional pizza that have more flavor than most I used to eat), no potatoes (French fries and potato chips included), cookies, cake, etc, I feel better than ever!

Last month I had blood work drawn and the results was blown away by the results. My A1c has gone from around 7 (being on Metformin for nearly 30 years) to 5.7. In addition, my blood pressure has returned to within normal ranges. I reluctantly acknowledge that these results were due to changes in eating alone. I was still slacking where exercise was concerned… and I had completely stopped losing weight, watching the scale teeter between the same 2 pounds. I had lost 15 pounds pretty much right out of the gate, but it had stalled for nearly a year.

So when the results indicated that my #s were good, but not great YET, I decided that I needed to make one more change — and it would help my dog, Max, too. We began taking 3-4 walks per day. We now walk 4-5 miles per day in addition to eating wholesome foods.

I see the world around me and have begun to thoroughly enjoy these walks. We often catch up with others and walk together. It’s a real joy!

I’m no longer fatigued, nor am I feeling like I’m on the verge of a heart attack or stroke!

Life has returned to a positive experience! I love life so much more now that I turned life’s lemons into lemonade!

Disclaimer: this article is not intended to be a substitute for medical advice. Please see your doctor before beginning any dietary changes and/or exercise programs.

You can’t teach an old dog new tricks — or can you?

2022-05-08T10:00:00.001-05:00

Many of you began following me shortly after the death of my husband in 2012. The fact that someone was there to listen helped so much more than I could ever begin to express, so “thank you” seems inadequate. But I want you all to know that your being here meant the world to me then — and still does today.

But I’m going to try to take a new direction here, and talk about things pertinent to my life today.

So here goes…

Some of you know Max, others not. But he’s my 12 year old dachshund who has been such a major part of my life, especially during the past decade. If you know Max, you also probably knew Dottie. We said “goodbye” to our little Princess Pretty Paws nearly 2 years ago when she crossed the rainbow 🌈 bridge. It seems appropriate to pay tribute to her today, on Mother’s Day, especially since without her there would be no Max.

Dottie and Max 2010

While I don’t intend to always write about my dachshund(s), Max was my inspiration today to get back into blogging.

A little backstory:

When COVID hit in 2020, Dottie, Max and I spent a tremendous amount of time together. And when Dottie passed away, Max really stepped up his protector game. But I took the opportunity of shut down restaurants and lack of social encounters to find a healthier me/us. They went from overweight to really a perfect weight for their frames (roughly 5 lbs lost each.) Also, I researched diet changes that would allow me to eliminate medicines that I had taken for (some) 30 years or more for diabetes, blood pressure and cholesterol. I hated the side effects from the medicines and needed to explore option’s. But I’ll save those details for another day.

As part of our journey, Max and I have begun walking several times each day. And living in an apartment community has brought forth some new challenges. So it’s an exercise/learning opportunity for us both.

I’ve learned that he responds to the command “pssst” quite well whenever we approach people and other animals. Our objective is to reduce bouts of excessive barking. Today I upped our game. With a bag of training treats in my pocket, we set out for our early morning walk. Three times, we passed situations that would normally have set him off. But I would grab a treat from the pouch in my pocket and keep him focused on that instead. We accomplished a 30 minute walk without a sound.

While I don’t want him to feel like he can never bark, I do want him to learn that there is a right time and a wrong time.

He’s doing so well, and we are getting some much needed exercise!

It takes some effort on both our parts, but the conclusion is that you CAN teach an old dog a new trick!

I Am Not Alone

2012-09-14T05:32:00.002-05:00

As I lie awake in bed, I search back through the struggles of the day before.
It had been an emotional journey... probably one of the windiest of roads traveled up to this point! I found myself restless and unsettled... longing for something, just not knowing what! At one point, I found myself standing at your gravesite... touching the earth that now covered your physical body... trying to make sense of it all... asking for the strength to proceed! I feel that it was grief stronger than I had ever felt, or ever care to feel again. Once again, I prayed for strength. I would like to say that it was in that moment that I felt a great spiritual revelation... it did not come.
As the day continued, I forged through with projects to occupy my mind and body... almost "robotlike." By mid-afternoon, I was both physically and emotionally drained - so I rested! When I awoke and resumed my day, nothing really seemed to be much different... I searched for answers only to find more questions. This has been typical since the day you left.
At the end of the day, I crawled back into bed and willingly resumed my slumber. Just a few short hours later, I again awoke... this time with a terrible pain unlike anything I ever felt. I tried to communicate with you, but felt no response... I was truly more alone than I have ever felt in my life.
I found myself lying completely still... unable to move... unable to sleep! Suddenly I felt engulfed in something so much greater than I had ever felt... it was a sense of true inner peace. I was overcome by a sense of warmth and stability that I feel would be impossible to describe.
For a brief period in time, I felt as if I'd been encompassed by a true sense of love and comfort.
While I don't know what tomorrow may bring, I do feel that I am not alone...
I love you Andy. I know that you wish I would no longer shed a tear... rejoicing in the times we shared. Maybe someday! For now, I just try to get through each day!
I miss you terribly my love!

Renewed Strength

2012-09-13T08:00:00.000-05:00

Last night I began re-reading my first few posts since that horrible day when I lost the person I knew would always be there for me.

A few things came to my mind as I read these heartfelt words (and trust me, they are)... not much has changed, yet nothing has stayed the same. How can that be? I've asked myself that question more times over the past 5 weeks than I ever thought I would.

While I still keep running in that giant hamster wheel we call "grief," I realize that I have gone a great distance... only to find myself back at the beginning frequently.
Initially, everyone was telling me that I should not make any major decisions... yet decisions had to be made. While the journey is still very unclear, I have found, though temporary, a destination. With the most wonderful children a woman could ever ask for, I have been able to at least begin making some plans for a brighter future... a purpose! Details are not clear yet, but the idea has been formed - and it gives me a renewed dose of strength.

I know that the spirit of my true love will follow me through this lifetime and into the next! He was always with me before, and I have every reason to believe that he will not leave my side spiritually any time soon.
During our years together, our relationship evolved through many stages...

First there was that "initial attraction," followed by "I can't spend one minute without you," to "we can go places apart and be secure in the knowledge that we will end up back together at the end of the day"... to finally, "the comfort of being able to complete each others sentences." Now, I spend time each day, knowing that we actually didn't go "through" stages... we just kept adding to them as we went along. Nothing has changed there... my heart still feels the same - and that is the core of my being! So while so much has changed, just as much has stayed the same!

The biggest difference is that we no longer have those audible "two-way" discussions... we speak heart to heart now! There is little consolation in the fact that my words are the last that will ever be spoken.
I see now that every day the sun will rise and every night it will set... that too has stayed the same. Knowing that I will not see that face looking at me when I awake each morning is the harshness of each day's revelation!

I realize that I have to proceed... though it is the last thing I feel like doing most days... but necessary, I know!
The love we've shared thus far will never die... it goes on eternally... in some ways, stronger than ever!

Life as we knew it can never be again, but I feel that there are many new things for me to evaluate...experience... explore. I know that, while not physically, my soulmate will be with me always... giving me renewed strength.

I love you Andy... to eternity... and beyond!

My Heart Just Aches

2012-09-12T09:14:00.002-05:00

Each day as I awake, I wonder what the day will bring.
I never realized that the "Grief Journey" isn't a straight or even bending path, but a circular one... and it circles back frequently... spontaneously... painfully.
While I have traveled close to that path with you, I never fully understood it until now. I feel most days like I am moving forward - and then suddenly I realize that I have just taken a detour that lead me back to the beginning.
Often, I feel a fine line between denial and reality... fighting hard to learn acceptance. It isn't a clear line, but a very hazy one most days! I look at your picture and just for a moment, it's as if you are here - standing before me... holding me. Then I realize that your body has left this world, never to be held again - and the pain hits hard!
When we met, I was a fragile child in so many ways... feeling pain from my past, but you took that all away for me... gave me strength... love... security! Now I see, I never knew what "fragile" felt like... it's knowing that the world you longed for can no longer be. It's wanting something that you had to return so badly... you can't even catch your breath! It's being frightened so much that you can't trust anything... not even yourself! It's an internal pain that just won't go away... my heart aches!
I tell myself that in time it will get better... I move back along the path already traveled... starting the journey once again! I still can't imagine my life without you by my side, but know that I must now try.
I choose not to make permanent decisions right now, knowing that some temporary ones must be made. I fear that I am holding on to things for the wrong reasons... no matter how tightly I hold, things can never be the same.
In reality, I know that you are gone from this world, never to return! That is a much more harsh reality that I could have ever imagined... and yet it is now mine! Without you, my heart just aches!

Choices

2012-09-12T06:45:00.000-05:00

I see now that life consists of two guarantees... life and death. In between, it is filled with Choices.

Some are small choices with minimal consequences while others are full of life altering conclusions. So far in my life, I have made my share of them, but only a few that made me the person I am today... and with no regrets. While they may not have started in the order most follow, they were my choices and again I appreciate each and every one of them.

My first life altering choice was the birth of my son, Tyler. Without that event, my life would certainly be much more hollow than it is today! Not a day has gone by in these 28 years that I have not been grateful for that blessing.

The second life altering choice was allowing you into my heart - and eventually taking your name. Again, no regrets. I am extremely grateful for those 25 years together. I feel that while our time together on this earth is over, our relationship certainly is not... I will always be your wife - for eternity!

The third life altering choice was the birth or our son, Trevor. Just before his birth, you made a life altering choice as well that spoke volumes for the type of upstanding man you always were... you adopted my son Ty! He became yours... in name... heart ... soul! You never denied him anything - nor did you deny Trev or myself either. You had plenty of love and compassion for all of us... and we knew it! You were never the type of father to refer to them as "Your Sons" or "My Sons"... they were always "Our Sons." The decision to have our second child too was a choice that I will forever cherish.

Over the years, I saw many changes in our children... they went from mischievous little boys to responsible, caring young men. We watched our oldest marry a wonderful woman - taking with him the example he got by watching you... and ultimately becoming a father. He misses you terribly - and I know it is intensified with the knowledge that his unborn child (our second grandchild) will never have the opportunity to feel your warmth and unconditional love that you have shown to us over the years. I am, however, grateful that you got the 4 years to spend with Riley... she loves and misses her grandpa terribly!

Trevor is finding his way, starting to make his lifetime choices now too. I see much of you in his smile... eyes... strength. I never realized how much he was like you until you were gone... he is truly your son - and again, I am eternally grateful!

Our boys are helping me to make the necessary choices now, and with them, I know I will make it through. I miss you terribly every day and night, and pray that you have found peace.

I pray that with your spirit in my heart - and God's strength and guidance, until we meet again, I will learn to make wise choices... healthy choices... healing choices!

I love you Andy... yesterday... today... always!

Was Blind But Now I See

2012-09-11T09:55:00.000-05:00

I can no longer hear words from your lips, but I feel them often from your heart. Your spirit speaks to me often... giving me strength... guidance... love.
I found this poem while going through some of your things last night and it made me smile:
I'm Free
Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free;
I'm following the path God laid for me.
I took His hand when I heard him call;
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day;
To laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way;
I found that place at the close of day.
If my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss
Ah yes, these things, I too, will miss.
Be not burdened with times of sorrow;
I wish you the sunshine or tomorrow.
My life's been full, I savored much;
Good friends, good times, a loved one's touch.
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief
Lift up your heart and share with me;
God wanted me now, He set me free.
I intend to hold those words close to my heart... feeling you... giving me warmth on those cold winter nights ahead!
I take naps most days now... emotionally drained... just plain tired. I fight the urge to fall into the predicted stage of depression - you are no longer here to pull me out if it gets it's hold on me! We fought that battle once and won... not sure I could conquer it alone! I realize that I may not have a choice... it may crawl up behind me in my darkest hour and take hold... but I won't go into it willingly... I will fight... for you!
I read a lot of books now. I know, I was never much of a reader before but now I can't seem to put them down. It's not the fun stuff that you might see others reading... they are books about coping with life without you... inspirational... the Bible. As far as the self-help "coping" books, you know I always hated those... they are now my life-line! That seems to be the only thing that keeps my attention now... my mind wanders very easily... I can not focus on much!
The authors encourage <grievers> to find a way to spend creative energy... it helps to heal. They suggest writing a book as an option... I find it ironic to think that I might. You tried so hard to convince me when you were here with me - and now that you are gone, the world has taken your voice and screams it to me out loud. I suspect that I will eventually listen; writing has gotten my thus far. I know the words I write are more for me than for you now, but it helps me to get them out of my head... onto <virtual> paper.
I pray each day that my words have meaning for someone... that gives me the drive to go into the next day... it comforts me! I find that deep in my heart I have not strayed as far from the calling I received and ignored all those years ago... I fear there may be purpose there. I question whether this would have happened if I had just not been so stubborn... struggling not to see what lies so deep within me. Those thoughts come from my head... my heart tells me otherwise... but I was blind...
I feel that this is meant to be a time of great spiritual growth and self-discovery for me, but wish I could have had this wisdom while you were here with me to share... Not that you needed the lessons I've learned... you already had yours... knew where you needed to be.
I miss you more each day if that is humanly possible. The days seem long and hard... I struggle through... I write my thoughts. You loved me so much in life and it is through that love that I now grow... reaching out to those I love - and those who just need a little help to find their way. It's not my objective to "save the world," but if I can ease someone else's burden along the way, I feel that is part of your legacy.
I allow myself time to mourn when I awake each new day... then I try to move forward. It's not always easy. Every time I walk up the steps in a normal pace, I think back to just weeks ago I would have to run... you would be teasingly chasing me! I miss those moments so much! A trip to the mailbox... what I wouldn't give to let you win for a while!
Your picture rests in a candle next to my bedside table... I blow you a kiss that I hope your spirit can feel.
As a young adult, I thought I knew what heartache was... I hadn't a clue... I was blind but now I see!

A Note To My Readers

2012-09-10T09:37:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone.
I just wanted to take a moment to thank all of you for your kind words and thoughtful actions during this difficult time. I feel the need to tell you that, while I hope not to offend anyone, I speak directly from my heart - so often times my writing is full of inward thoughts!
While I try not to focus my thoughts directly on myself, I am traveling on a journey of self-discovery. The day Andy died, I lost a big part of my identity... it was not something I planned or remotely expected. My world literally shattered when the police gave me the news... and my every moment since then has been filled with trying to pick up the pieces and move forward... minute by minute.
I know that many of you are traveling with me as I explore the road ahead - I appreciate that. I also realize that you all have your lives to live - and I pray that you continue to do so! My grief is so much more complex and I pray that none of you ever have to go through this... but if you do, I pray that you will also find the tremendous support that I have been given thus far.
As I too have traveled along with a "griever" during life's path, I know that it is often hard to identify with those suffering a great loss. I feel it necessary to tell you that you should not fear or shy away from them... keep their memory alive with stories and laughter. It's all part of the healing process... at least it is for me! I do not wish to give advise on grieving... it is as unique as each pure white snowflake that falls...
The primary reason I have chosen to share these thoughts is not to invoke sympathy, but to make people aware of what a person deals with daily should the need ever arise. At the same time, I want you <readers> to realize that unfortunately, you too could be "wearing my shoes"... and not to take those you love for granted!
I feel that I owe this to my husband... he was a great man who cared very much for all of you who knew him, but at the same time worked very hard at making me a more secure individual. He gave me strength in life... and now gives me strength in death.

Grieving Doesn't End Quickly

2012-09-10T08:37:00.000-05:00

As I sit here and contemplate another day, I see the world around me moving forward... why am I sitting still?
This question has taunted me since just days after your funeral... seeing friends and family going on with their lives as if nothing had happened. At first it hurt, but now I am awake enough to realize... that is what is has to be for them... but not for me...my grieving doesn't end quickly.
I think about other members of the family... your dad - who has buried two sons now, your sisters - who now have no older brothers to lean on... I know their grief is just as real as mine... their grieving will not end quickly - but their lives seem to have found a way to move forward. Shouldn't mine? I realize I am not ready... I envy their strength.
I still wake each morning in that foggy haze somewhere between my dreamless sleep and reality and feel that initial jolt... another day in reality. I go to Facebook and catch up on what is going on around me... a relatively safe zone for me now. But it still stings sometimes when I feel that the world is leaving me behind. Then I realize that I just don't care... I can't care! You are gone from my world and now it has just stopped. Time still is of little consequence most days! I wonder how I will ever manage a normal day ever again... that first time I have to log into work... celebrate a special occasion. Then I realize that I did make it through a special occasion - our baby's 21st birthday... Just 2 weeks after you left. I carried out the plans we had made together... signed the birthday card "Love Mom" (had to add "Dottie & Max too" to the card to hide my Freudian slip. That unleashed a bucket of tears, but the night went on as I felt it should.
When Mondays roll around and the new workweek has begun for everyone, I try to jump on board... I fall... I miss the train! It pulls out of the station and everyone else is on their way to another week. I just stand behind... waving from the platform.
My weeks now consist of never ending unpleasant phone calls and conversations... finding out details that normally would make my knees buckle and my heart stop! For a brief moment, I feel that I am strong... then I wonder - am I just numb? I feel like if I ever get through this, will I ever be able to cry again?
I fear that people will tell me to move on... prying me out of this deep hole called grief. I will when I am ready, but for now it is where I have to be. Again, you would remind me to stop thinking about everyone else and focus on "me." You would reassure me that I am not forcing anyone to listen... they listen because they care..." I move past that thought!
Then my thoughts move on to the next subject... who is "me?" I am the half of "Andy & Missy" that got left behind! I wrestle with my identity... who am I? Besides the obvious... Ty & Trev's mom... Jen's mother in law... Riley's grandma, I now have a new (unwanted) title... Andy's widow! No one else got a new title... job... identity. My grief is real and strong - and often feels like it is the only thing I have to hold on to!
I spend much of my mornings writing now. It guides me to where my grieving ended the day before... taking me to where I need to be! At the end of the day, I choose from a stack of books lying on my bedside table... wondering "which one should I read tonight?" Those two things have become my reality... what I can trust. The times in between are filled with often mostly "frightening" moments of reality from the world outside. When I sit in our livingroom, I see the porch wall... the wall that caught me when the world landed on my shoulders that night as I was given the news! I don't feel that I will ever see that wall in the same way again... it held me up - and yet it now haunts me!
I know it will take time to get through this process... knowing I will never get over it, but trying as hard as I can! I pray for strength for me and the boys... peace for you. I know that someday I will be strong enough to actually "catch that train" instead of standing behind... waving! Until then, I am where I need to be... grieving doesn't end quickly... if ever!

Blindsided

2012-09-09T15:11:00.002-05:00

This has become my lifestyle now... blindsided!
A knock at the door leaves me speechless... emotionally blindsided!
They reveal details of what you encountered in your final moments on this earth... horrifically blindsided!
I try to make each day seem as normal as before but simple things can turn that around so quickly. Recently I decided to escape for a few hours... put in a movie and kick back. I open the disc drawer on the DVD player only to find <your> movie... Sherlock Holmes. You never got through it... completely blindsided!
I clean out your "junk" drawer only to find a greeting card you had given to me this past Mother's Day... so full of heartfelt sentiment... lovingly blindsided!
During the week, I try to focus on the business aspect of this... filing necessary papers... paying household bills. I get a lot of reluctance from most of the companies I have to deal with... taking their time... adding to my stress... financially blindsided!
I have a difficult time accepting the fact that greed has a place in this scenario at all - but it far outweighs compassion... and all I am trying to do is carry on... frustratingly blindsided!
Each day I awake to the harsh reality that you are no longer by my side... I can no longer feel your touch... sadly blindsided!
On my way to your funeral, the radio station suddenly begins playing "our song"... romantically blindsided!
You illuminate a heart on my kitchen cabinet... there for me to see day and night... always... eternally blindsided!
So there you have it... not a moment goes by that I don't think about you... wishing you were here with me... so many emotions fill my days now... with only one thing in common... they leave me "blindsided!"

I Hold Your Hand

2012-09-09T11:09:00.002-05:00

It is so baffling to me that my emotions get strongest when I sit in the pew... listening to words being spoken by God's earthly messenger.
I find myself taking time to look deep into my heart a lot more now than ever before... searching for answers... strengthening my faith. I feel overcome with the feelings of your spirit around me... and I know that God's love is holding me up. These two things keep me strong enough to take the next breath.
I wear your wedding band around my neck... it gives me strength. When life gets too overwhelming, I grasp your ring as if it were still on your hand... it is those times that I feel you with me most... I hold your hand!
I pray again that you are at peace - though we both had so many words left unspoken. Why didn't I know?... Why didn't I feel you leave? I wrestled with that for a while... we were so connected and yet I did not feel what you felt at that moment. I realize now that I didn't feel it because you didn't either. It happened too fast... in the blink of an eye! I find some comfort there... as much as I could possibly feel at this time.
As I drove home from church this morning, I felt a sense of hope... I passed the theater marquee... it read "Love Never Dies"... I felt reassured! I know that no matter what comes, our love will surpass time and space... our love will never die!
From the day we met, we just knew where we needed to be. At times, life would beat us down... it wasn't always simple, but we had each other to hold onto... to get us through. When your brother died I knew you suffered... I pulled you close... you allowed me in! I thought I understood... I had no clue! I merely held your hand!
We worked together to teach our children the importance of love... we did a good job! Our boys have grown into such loving, compassionate men. They now hold my hand... getting me through the darkest hours... keeping me strong! They are your legacy... you live through them!
I long for the day that waking up is not so difficult... knowing I must face another day without my best friend by my side! I find that too often I just long for nightfall... hoping to see you in my dreams. Someday I feel that my grief will ease enough to allow you in! I know that your spirit is with me, but I can no longer feel your touch... it is at these times I grab your ring again... I hold your hand!
Dreaming With A Broken Heart

Month Two

2012-09-09T11:08:00.002-05:00

It was just one month ago today that our life together ended in a split second! You left for work... never to return.
I try every day to pick up the pieces of what you left behind... a broken heart... mine! As the pieces of the puzzle are brought to me, several more arise. The details I hear are so catastrophic... I wonder how my heart will ever begin to heal.
I wonder how I will last for the rest of my life without you... how do I breathe... eat... love? Then I look around and realize that one month has gone by... I must start month two!
Things I took for granted - thought to be part of living - are gone now... I can not dream anymore. When I used to hear others say things like that, I thought they meant "conscious dreams"... finding joy in something new. That's not it at all... I literally can not dream. My nights are filled with "hollow sleep" in a time when a "sleep dream" is all I feel I have to hold on to - and I can't even have that! I do more reading now than ever in my life... the "grief experts" tell me that it is my grief standing in the way... I try to move forward... hoping I will get to that stage where I can see you again - even if it's only in my dreams. It does not come... I fear it never will. I can't help but wonder why I would want to think of anything but you... you have always been my strength! I look to God for that now more than ever...
I am told that you hear what is in my heart... I pray that is true! A huge part of my heart died when you did - and the only thing that stimulates the remainder enough to allow it to beat is the thought of you... and the feeling that you know how much you have meant to me in this world!

This Could Touch Anyone... But It Touched Me!

2012-09-09T11:07:00.000-05:00

I used to think this kind of thing happened to other people... it would never happen to me.
The knock on my front door in the middle of the night proved me wrong... it can happen to anyone. Maybe if I had realized that just one day sooner, I could have spent a few extra moments with you... holding you... talking to you... being the best wife I could have possibly been. I've heard it said that what we don't know can't hurt us... nothing could be further from the truth. Had I known that our time together was about to end so abruptly, maybe I could have eased a little of the burden I carry now.
To say "I love you" just one more time would have been a dream come true. It would have been filled with more emotion and sincerity than anything I have ever said in my lifetime thus far! I see now how easy it is to take those we love for granted... you never took me for granted! You loved me in spite of myself... your love was unconditional... true... intense! I hope that you knew that I felt that way too... though I know I didn't always show it. I would feel these strong emotions every night as you left for work... as I would hear the front door close, too often an overwhelming urge would come over me... wanting to pull you back into my arms... spending a couple more moments with you - I just never told you that... I always thought we had tomorrow. Everyone who spent time with us tells me that you knew... I just wanted to tell you once more!
If I'd had any inkling at all that our final day would have been just that, I would have never gone to work that day... called in sick... stayed by your side! You would not have been able to shake me from your presence... we just didn't know. I just thought we had forever - or at least tomorrow.
I see now just how precious every moment of this life can be... never thought it could happen to us! Now I see that tragedy can touch anyone... anytime! I don't live in fear of the fact that time with those around me can end at any given moment, but I do have a new-found appreciation for those little moments... every moment is a gift.
As unfair as this whole situation has become, it is now my world and I must learn to cope... somehow. I realize that nothing is forever, nor is it "a given." I see that we have to take life at face value... the good and the bad! I see that no one is above the radar... unfortunately this could touch anyone... but it touched me!

Especially You

2012-09-09T11:06:00.000-05:00

For a lot of years now, my identity has been half of this equation... "Andy & Missy."
When people would see our given names, they just didn't know who we were - especially you! If we ever signed a card "Michael & Melissa" would anyone really know who it was from? We used to laugh about our "aliases" that our parents gave us so many years ago... especially you!
The past few days, I have been consumed with business matters. This has left me with no time or energy to think of anything else... today will not be that way. I have answered all of the questions I can answer for now... dotted all of the "i"s... crossed all of the "t"s... now it is in God's hands to give a few people enough compassion to look beyond the red tape and do their jobs.
Yesterday, I made my final decision on our headstone... it is beautiful. Making the decision about how it should read was the hard part. It contains our surname at the top, surrounded by a heart on each side... one for you and one for me. In the center is a double wedding band and beneath that contains our wedding date. After much consideration, I have decided that our names should read:
Michael A. "Andy" <and then on the other heart> Melissa S. "Missy" (with my maiden name indicated above my name as well). I hope you approve... I think you would.
One day soon, I am going to write a letter to you... telling you all the things I would have said if there would have been time. Unlike my blogs, this will be private... personal... intimate. There are so many things that my heart cries out to tell you daily now - and while I know this gesture is truly more for me than for you, there are things I just need to say! If I had been given a moment's notice, I would have been by your side... telling you over and over just how important you had been in my life. I would have kissed your cheek and asked you to meet me again someday with open arms!
When the police first knocked on our door early that August morning, I knew it was not going to be a pleasant experience... Once the feeling came back in my knees I spoke of wanting to go up to see you... they refused to allow me to do that. I now know why, but it was hard to realize the truth of this all without seeing your face. It would not have helped... I know that now! As you lay at peace on the day we were to tell you our final "goodbyes" I wanted to touch your hand... they told me "no." It was more difficult to see you there and know that my hands could not touch you... I understand, but it was hard! I realize now that it was not a final "goodbye"... you are with me always - and one day our spirits will soar together!
Today, I feel like just focusing on affairs of the heart, not the head! I plan on spending the day here at home... cleaning... reading... sewing; but I plan on focusing my thoughts around the ones I love... especially you!

God Give Me Strength

2012-09-09T11:05:00.002-05:00

As we approach a month since that terrible day, I still find it very hard to accept... realize... understand!
Now in addition to sadness, loneliness & pain, I feel an anger like I never knew possible. I am not mad at you. How could I be mad at you? I know that you never meant to put me through this... we were in for the long haul - and you always protected me from hurt... anger... pain! At first it was difficult to figure out who to direct my anger toward - so I just felt this overall discontent. Over the last few days, roadblocks being put up at my every turn, I realize that with God in control... I am very upset with him. Yesterday I actually literally screamed. I am sure you heard me... my strong vocal chords were meant to be heard from afar! When I was first told that I would probably feel this way and that it would be okay to tell him how I feel I just couldn't imagine doing so... I just was not ready!
I realize now that it is part of the process... a step I must take in order to "get through" this tragedy. I miss you so much and feel like I can't handle much more than just dealing with that... then the "real world" jumps in full force and adds to my turmoil... I am not ready... I need your help! I must now pull myself up off the ground and start taking these steps alone. You would want that for me, I am sure.
Anger is not a pleasant experience. It makes the days unbearable; making me feel so closed off from everything.. everyone! It almost is so overwhelming at times that I catch myself skating back into denial... just don't want to deal. God give me strength to deal with my anger... and continue to love me in spite of it!
I face the fears daily that due to the reality of the situation, financial issues have presented themselves now! In the early stages of this process, reassurances were made that are now being put on hold for no apparent reason... other than greed! I find it so difficult to comprehend that greed even has a place in this situation that I am trying to endure... but it does! I know that if you had any idea that I would be put through this, you would have buried a tin can in the yard just for me. Neither of us had a clue! It all happened so fast... no time to prepare.
I find most of my comfort in the things that you loved... family... friends... music! I never fully got your appreciation of music. I was a performer... you were an appreciator! You didn't necessarily listen to the vocal quality or blend, you listened to the heart and soul of the song... the words... the meaning! I never understood that until now! I could have sang off pitch... wrong words.. off beat - and you still would have loved it... you heard if directly from my heart - and I now know that you still do. Even now, I sing to you frequently. I realize that you listen still... with your heart... not your ears!
Earlier today I struggled with worldly issues... hard to cope with when I feel so disconnected... out of touch! I told God that he had exceeded my threshold... could take no more. Since then, you have again shown me your love and given me the strength to proceed.
I take comfort in knowing that time is of no consequence to you now... this is my cross to bear. I know that I have something left unfinished and unfortunately it is now without you by my side... but always in my heart. I have the confidence to know that your love will guide me in the direction that I now must go. I must find my own path. Putting word to paper now gives me more strength and comfort than I ever imagined before that moment when this harsh reality thrust itself upon me. I see the world so differently now... through your eyes... your spirit... your love.
You loved me so well while here on earth... that same love lives on in my heart and gets me through these days. Sometimes the darkness of the situation blocks that feeling from me. It is in those moments that I now know I have to reach beyond your love and reach out to our Father the Almighty. It is at those times when the world seems to have gone on and left me behind that I know that I need to pray... God, Give Me Strength!

Making Changes

2012-09-09T11:04:00.002-05:00

In a world where I long for things to be the same as they once were, I feel the need to make changes.
I promise myself and those around me that I won't change anything major at least until next summer... it is hard! Everywhere I look, I am reminded of easier days... happier days. I find comfort in the strangest things, and discontent lies not far away. Sometimes there is such a fine line in which way it will go... often finding there is really no line separating them at all.
Our dogs, often my saving grace, can also be a source of complete frustration now! They snuggle when they feel that I need it, but then they just want to play ball and it reminds me that they too want to rejoin the world in their normal pace.
Events unfolded yesterday that made me realize that I may not have a choice... I may have to return to work very soon! I can't even comprehend how I can do that now! Maybe if work meant being around others... distracting me from the tragedy of the last month... that is not my reality. For me, going to work is sitting at a desk here at home... no one to talk to until the phone rings. Once that phone rings I realize that it could be THAT call! The one where someone else just lost the love of their life... their soulmate... their everything! I can't cope with that now. Even in that situation, I don't think I have the capability of objectively handling the situation... getting everyone else safely home. My other fear is that I will get that ever so stressed customer who has locked their keys in the car and are upset that I can't just <often times> magically unlock it for them... they must wait for help. I don't feel that I can calmly remove their fears and anxiety when I am so wrapped up in my own... and it could put others in harms way. I just don't feel that as an option right now... I may not have a choice.
I find myself having to rely on the diligence and compassion of others in business matters and it is hard. They don't seem to care... it's just not personal to them. One person tells me that <John Doe> is filing the necessary paperwork... only to find out a week later that they don't even have everything together yet. While I am originally left with the impression that things are getting done, nothing could be further from the truth; I am stuck with the reality that it is only my problem - and they are in no hurry to do their jobs!
I have seen generosity from friends and family - that makes it all a little less unbearable, but the problems of the world still hammer at me daily now. I called to cancel a doctor appointment that you had scheduled... advising them of your passing. I hung up with a bitterness that just hung with me... she didn't say she was sorry... no compassion... just "okay, his appointment has been cancelled... thanks for calling." I don't expect sympathy every moment of every day, but how about a little compassion... understanding... respect! I think to myself - "well, that'll be the last time I call them..." only to be slapped in the face by the harshness of that reality. I really WILL never call them again... there is no need now!
I feel as though I have lost control of situations around me... and that frightens me! I know that you thought I was the "tough negotiator"... the strong one! Nothing could be further from the truth... my strength came from within you! You were my rock... my heart... my soul. The only thing I know how to do is stumble and fall. I pick myself back up and cinch up my boots to trod through the stuff that lies ahead for today!
Yesterday I was blessed with a dinner companion... it felt so nice to do something so "normal." I find myself searching for normal now... what is normal? How will I ever know that feeling completely ever again? You were my normal... now your absence is my reality.
In that search for "normal," I find myself making changes... nothing drastic, just different... rearranging kitchen cabinets (you always hated when I would do stuff like that)... always wanted things to remain the same... it was good enough like it was... comfortable... home! I was forever striving for a better way... "this would be better because..." - now I don't change things for the better... just for the different! The irony of the situation is that I don't even want to change anything... it was perfect before. Nothing is perfect now... it must be changed!
I can't keep things the way they were around here now... it reminds me too much of what I no longer have... yet need more that the air that I breathe. Nothing can stay the same around here... nothing IS the same around here.
I often feel like the world has gone on without me... time for me is of no consequence now! I just muddle through simple tasks - trying to move on... traveling in circles. I spend a little time each day just separating myself from all that needs to be done... thinking of those happier days with you by my side... holding my hand... making me strong. I whimper... sob... cry! I tell myself that it's okay to feel! When I am through, I lift myself back up and proceed with the tasks of the day. I feel like everything is inside out now... not sure where I fit in at all anymore!
Someday I guess I may find a "place" again, but for now I just keep plugging along... making changes!

The Old Rule No Longer Applies

2012-09-09T11:03:00.002-05:00

This morning I awoke, feeling much like any other day has for the last several...
Sadness generally is my first emotion of the day, followed by fear as well as several other emotions. Today was no different in that respect.
I approached our office and sat at the desk, glanced up at the pictures of you, and began to daydream once again of an easier, happier time... just a few short weeks ago. Now that seems like it was so long ago... since I held your hand... kissed your cheek... caressed your face! The memories just come flooding back.
All at once, I got this nagging feeling that something was left undone... but what? I stop and think for just a moment and then I realize that I had phone calls to make. I started off with a couple of easy ones... changing names on household accounts, inquiring about our waterline being installed at the cabin, and a few other miscellaneous trivial calls. With that, I realized that I should probably call your taxidermist... I had just suddenly wondered if he had any "trophies" of yours in his shop. I searched until I found his phone number and I called. His wife answered the phone and I proceeded to tell her the nature of my call. She offered her condolences and informed me that her husband wasn't there but she would tell him to call me... I gave her my number. Just a couple hours later, my phone rang and it was him... he too was very sorry to hear of your accident... he hadn't heard about it til now.
He proceeded to tell me how extremely odd it was that I called today... he in fact does have a rack mount for you. Then the call took a strange turn... he told me that he had been working on it and he finished it late last night. He was planning on calling you today to come and pick it up whenever you wanted. I gave him our address and he is mailing it to me so I can add it to your "deer wall." I am not sure how I am going to fit it in, but the old rule no longer applies... you don't have to take an old one down this year... your display will now expand!
I know that we had a steadfast rule... one goes up, one comes down. At first I tried to figure out which one you would have decided to remove in order to honor my wishes. Suddenly I realized that it deserved it's own special place on the wall... a new tribute to a great hunter... the old rule no longer applies!
The afternoon was filled with extremely difficult calls; and as the day went on, I had the help of great friends to help make my day a little brighter. As it turns out, I needed that. Things are not going very smoothly with trying to settle your affairs... too many "t"s to cross... "i"s to dot! I realize now that it is not going to be a smooth process, but I have an even tougher road ahead! I really don't feel like dealing with this stuff now, and yet I must! I have decided that once this process is out of my hands and I feel that the necessary steps have been taken on my part, I will once again hit the open road... ride the rails... soar the friendly skies! I feel claustrophobic most of the time now... these virtual walls are closing in on me - nowhere to run... nowhere to hide! I appreciate any excuse to make my escape. I know you find that hard to believe... I was always so comfortable just being here... being with you! Life is now so different... I am so different.
I used to long for those quiet nights at home... nowhere to go... just us two... sharing the life we had built together. Now that is gone... just the peace and quiet permeate this house that we used to call our home. I know I have to search deep inside to find the person I need to be now... it is hard... I just want to be your wife... forever!
I search for truth only to find more questions... frustration and anger set in. I stave it off as best I can... you kept me grounded... safe... calm. Now I try to do that for myself. I hear your words, just not your voice. I miss you so and reach for all that keeps me sane. I cry myself to sleep... with your pillow in my arms and your shirt by my side. The memory of you keeps me strong... gives me hope... even makes me smile.
I know that I must live on... it is so hard... I miss you so! The only thing I desire now is the one thing I can not have - your hand holding mine... feeling your strength while you hold on ever so tight. I search my heart for that strength from within... knowing that I can no longer have the one thing I want more than anything... you!
I know that you would have filled the whole house with antlers... from corner to corner... floor to ceiling if I had not had my say. Now the say is only mine and nothing means the same to me now. I will carry on as best I can, but life has changed and adjustments have to be made. So for now, I just want you to know... another mount will hang on the wall... proudly... just for you. I need for you to know, I have changed my mind... the old rule no longer applies!

Just Stuff

2012-09-09T11:02:00.000-05:00

As with any other morning, I wake up and the tears start to flow. Waking up seems to be the hardest. Once I jump into the activities of the day, it actually gets a little easier... distractions have now become a blessing!
I feel your absence most at daybreak and dawn... not sure of the significance - if there really is one... it just happens that way!
I learned facts yesterday that normally would have made my knees buckle... now it just weighs down my heart! With every new fact, 3 new questions arise and the roller coaster once again plunges down that huge hill. Will we ever get to the station so I can jump off? I am afraid not! Even if I do ever get off this ride, I am sure the earth below my feet will quiver and shake.
Little things that meant nothing to me just a month ago hold so much emotion now - and vice versa. As I was presented with your keys yesterday afternoon, I felt my eyes tear up in preparation for the gusher that would ensue! As I walked to my car, I felt the coolness of the first teardrop since morning land upon my cheek and I knew that it's counterparts were not too far behind. By the time I approached the highway, my little emotional outburst was in full swing... and I cried until my tear ducts felt like they would wilt and never again hold a bit of moisture. What was the cause of this outburst? I suppose it was much like the last shirt you ever wore... at one time just stuff - but it means so much to me now. I thought those keys were gone forever... and yet I now was holding them so tightly in my hand that I could see and feel their impression for hours later. I equate this with holding your memory in my heart! Every little piece of you - things you touched... wore... said... all mean everything to me now. I grasp for things that I can hold close... to feel you the best way I can now. It is not enough... it will never be enough. But it is all I have now!
"Soledad" by Westlife
I feel the need to reach out to someone... but who? You are the one I would always reach out to - and now your absence is the cause of my discontent... my distress! I reach out to family and spend an evening finding comfort in conversations with them... about you! Everything in my world now seems to be always about you!
It's strange how before this happened, I would always shy away from talking about someone who had departed our world... like it was a "sore subject." Now I know how wrong that was. I need to talk about you... keep your memory alive... feel your presence! It gets me through those dark hours. The hardest times are when I feel like I can't talk about you; that I can not handle. I know that everyone grieves differently, and maybe in some situations that may have been their wishes, but certainly not mine. I want to talk about you... laugh about the good times... remember what we had!
I hear that someday a moment... then an hour... even a day will go by and I will not think about you. I feel this is not so - and not really sure that I want that anyway. I have a difficult time realizing that could ever happen!
I try to do normal things... clean house... run errands... wash laundry. Nothing feels normal anymore... as if I am standing on the ceiling while attempting to complete these tasks... my world is upside down! these things mean nothing... their just stuff!
Each night when my head hits the pillow, I spend time with you... telling you my day... my new life. We talk about our children... I tell you how they are doing and what I want for them now! Then we move on to talk about grandchildren... Riley is such a sweetie. She tries to comfort me... dry my tears. The kindness and innocence makes it even harder to fight back the tears. Then I think about the grandbaby that will be joining us here on earth soon. I feel that she is in your arms right now... you enjoyed nothing more than the feel of a newborn baby in your arms... you knew the meaning of life! I long for the day when that new little baby (they think it's a girl, but not totally sure yet) meets the rest of us! I will hold her so gently, yet ever so tightly - and tell her all about you! The rest is just stuff!
From time to time, I catch myself thinking about something I want... something that would make me feel better. Then I realize that it really doesn't matter... it's all stuff!
You... our children... grandchildren... family... friends - the only thing in this world that isn't "just stuff." I thank you for loving me so well here on earth so that I may have this wisdom now. I wish I'd had it while I had you, but that is not an option now. So I will spend the rest of my days trying to pass on your legacy... your compassion... your love! The rest is just stuff!

Reality

2012-09-09T10:59:00.001-05:00

I knew that coming home would be tough... yet again, another virtual bandaid to be ripped off.
The dogs were so happy to see me... I know they are confused - as we all are these days! They, much like the rest of us, question the core of our reality. What has happened?... Where is Dad? Again, like the rest of us, the unanswered questions elude them. In a time when I want to be selfish, I know I have to focus on their emotional needs too... it is hard... not sure I have the strength. They loved you very much too... and just for the record, love never dies!
First thing this morning, I sorted through the stack of unopened envelopes that flooded our mailbox during my absence... a few bills to be paid... sympathy & thinking of you cards... the everlasting junk mail... and last but not least was a letter from the coroner. She wants me to call her... states she wants me to have a copy of your autopsy. I know what it says and yet I fear that piece of paper so much... and much like so many other tasks I have undertaken in the last few weeks, I just have to rip off that bandaid once again and proceed. Is it pleasant? NO... Is it difficult? YES.. Is it necessary? I THINK SO! I have decided to call her today and have her mail it to me. I will have it here to open when I feel I am ready. Will it be anytime soon? PROBABLY NOT!
I think back to our daily "race" to the mailbox... we were such children! It was a game we played frequently... who could get there first. After my back surgery, you would certainly win... I just couldn't compete - so you would create a diversion for yourself sometimes to let me win! You didn't realize that I knew what you were doing... I did! I appreciate the games... the disagreements... the laughter... even the tears - because I shared them with you. Now I share these things with the memory of you! It's not the same... but it is reality now!
I fear that this house is just too much for me now. You helped me so much - with the big things and the small. Soon it will be totally up to me... too much to carry right now! I think about fulfilling some of our dreams that we shared... wanting to keep you with me any way I can. Again, it's just not the same... it is my new reality!
I never imagined that I would have a life without you by my side... it consumes me now... takes my breath away! I reflect back to the last time something took my breath away... it was that first sight of you - the night you entered my life! I knew at that moment that I had to get to know you better - not knowing where that road would lead! We both jumped in with both feet and created a life together that meant more to us than anything we had ever dreamed!
I look at our children now and see so much of you... what a legacy! Tyler has your compassion... your drive. Trevor has your strength... your appearance! They both share your ability to love! This too is bittersweet. I love them with all my heart and long for the moments together when we are apart... again taking nothing for granted. Will I ever take things for granted again? Of course... I am human! Right now though, I soak up every bit of life there is. I realized this at a crazy moment while driving home yesterday. Normally I would just follow the road signs... move forward! During my travels down the 2 lane highways in Iowa, I realized that I didn't notice the road signs on my way north. Instead, I recognized the fields struggling... the oddly painted barns... the vehicles for sale. Those were the things that reminded me of my trip just days before. It was at that moment I realized that I had seen this journey not through my eyes, but yours! What a feeling... I know why you drove all those years... I understand. Though you loved me and the boys... our life together, this kept it in perspective. There is a great big world out there. It reaches so far beyond our little hometown... you saw that... you experienced life! I forged through with tunnel vision... trying to get to the next day instead of living in the moment! I think that is what your losses had given you so early in life.
Even though we had experienced the loss of friends during our years together, you lost so much more...
When your brother was killed, I realized that it went much deeper for you... I tried to understand and sometimes actually fooled myself into thinking that I did. I see now that I had no clue! You struggled with your anger... disappointment... even betrayal. Yet you never lost sight of the value of life and its importance... you rarely let it show... never withdrew from us! I knew that you had suffered loss before too... your mom was taken when you were just a young man... I can't imagine how you could stay so strong. I thought I was the one being strong... holding you up. I see now that we just balanced one another! I just never had to feel it as deeply as you had... I loved your brother too, but not in that same way. He and I didn't have the history... the memories... the connection.
I now share that feeling with you and have a much deeper appreciation for what you felt. I too have now lost something I had grown to rely on. I fear that my sorrow runs deeper though... we shared so much more than memories... we shared dreams... we shared reality!
We had other times when we shared loss... but it was never this personal. Every thought is of you... every decision... every emotion! I see things with the wisdom you had now instead of my naivety! That now has become my reality!
I realize that it is too soon to make any decisions... all too fresh... too new... to emotional. Some days it still doesn't seem real... will I ever wake up? I stumble through the days... just going through the motions. There are no dreams to share now... no hopes for new memories! That, I fear, is my new reality!
I love you Andy... yesterday, today, always!

I Can't Help But Wonder

2012-09-09T10:55:00.000-05:00

I can't help but wonder...
WHY?... at 12:45 a.m. on that August morning did I have to become a widow?...
WHAT was the reason that God decided that he needed you more than me?
I agonize over thoughts of you at those final moments and pray that you just left without warning.
The unanswered questions... the fear of unknowing... the anger of having to live without you. They plague me now. You are in my every waking thought and I wish for you in my every dream. You do not come... why aren't you there. I remind you that you are the only thing I want to see when I close my eyes at night, but I see nothing... at all. No dreams anymore.
You appeared to me one night but then you left again... I carry the memory of that dream so vividly in my head... and in my heart -- and I long for the time that my grief lifts enough that I can see you once again! I know it's not the same... nothing can ever be the same. But it's the best I can hope for now... and where you are concerned I am willing to take whatever I can get. The other night we went out to dinner at Jenpachi's... it was really nice. It was not the type of place you would have ever went to, though I think if you had tried it you would have liked it...
Sitting there with family members, I think my mind actually began to focus on the moment - for just a second... instead of thoughts of the past... I can see little else at this point. Suddenly, there you were... in thought... in spirit. As the cook finished preparing the fried rice on the grill before me, he shaped it into a heart... said "this is for you" and glanced my way... I felt it was a message from you - much like the message that hangs illuminated on our kitchen cabinet back home... a heart... just a shape to so many, it has become so much more to me.
I knew that I had to return to our home... it was bittersweet! I was enjoying my visit there, but have been missing you so much. While I feel that you made this journey with me, I feel you best at home - and felt that I had to come back. I miss you so much and had begun to miss those little things that were haunting me so much before I left on this trip. I know that I will feel compelled to leave again... probably sooner than I think; but for now, I needed to go home.
Dottie and Max miss you terribly. They knew something was up when you didn't return that morning... our house so full... and yet so empty! While I know that they can never fully understand why you left and never returned, they try... much like me! We huddle together against the dark forces of the night... feeling your absence so very strongly. Why did you have to go? What was the reason? How will we carry on?

Now I feel for their confusion... I too had been gone for a little while. I am sure they missed me too. I had to return to show them that even though I left, I also returned! I too can take nothing for granted anymore... not even that next breath that we all seem to just assume will appear.
Will a moment ever go by that you are not in my thoughts... my words? So many people try to tell me that it will... I listen but do not comprehend! Why would I ever want to think of anything else? I wonder!
It's funny how even the memory of the wasp sting just a month or so ago is a story that makes my heart smile. It reminds me of how much you loved me. I will carry that event with me forever... and it will be a reminder of the life we shared... the love we had... even after the newness of our relationship was long gone! We were so comfortable with one another... we had it all... thought we always would!
You lived up to your end of the bargain... "til death parts us", but for me it just isn't a dealbreaker! I can't just stop being your wife... especially not in my heart. I fear that may never change... you were my life for so long and now everything around me seems to be just "stuff." I see everyone around me hustling about with their daily lives while mine is standing still. Sometimes I feel like I am watching a movie... already knowing the end! I have no concept of time anymore; though once it seemed to be my driving force! I was always so worried about being late... "the clock says I should be somewhere... there I must be!" Now I just don't care! Time is merely a measurement... a number! Yet it generally drives us more than we ever stop to realize. The last time I worried about the time was when I left the house to say "Goodbye" to the body I had once held so close... loved so much! You left it behind... now you soar with the eagles. Again, I reflect back to the irony of our beautiful cuckoo clock that seems to have also decided that time is of no consequence anymore either. To that I can relate! Time means nothing at all.
All that matters now is finding the answers to the only questions in my mind... WHY? HOW? IS THIS REAL? Even after all this time, I find myself questioning the reality of this situation. Sometimes I think that is why I seem to be unable to dream at night... my mind thinks it's already dreaming. "Please Lord, wake me from this nightmare..." and then again I realize it is my harsh reality... my truth!
I feel in my heart that we will be together again someday and that I should try to accept this reality...I try to find comfort there... it's just too new... I am not ready. How will I make it through the possibility of decades to come without you? I just don't know... I can't help but wonder!

You Made Me Whole

2012-09-09T10:53:00.002-05:00

You made me whole... with your words... your actions... your existence.
Now I only have memories of those to carry me... not as whole as I used to be!
Yesterday morning I took my cup of coffee out to the deck on back of my brother's house. The scenery is so beautiful here... open fields, rolling hills - and just off barely in the distance, there is a rock garden that memorializes the passing of another life taken way too soon. She was not even a toddler when she passed... leaving her parents to grieve. My thoughts were of you... how much you would love sitting here with me -- taking it all in! I thought of the conversations we might have had, knowing that now they can never be... it saddens my heart... I must move on!
As the day progressed, my sister in law and I found that a little shopping and a pedicure was in order. It felt good to sit in that massage chair and "get our nails done." That was something I had only done once before... I never felt the need for "pampering" from others before! You were always there for me... you made me whole... I just didn't need it! Now I am trying to find pleasure in other things... "experiencing life" I guess... though I would rather be sitting with you on the couch... holding hands walking down the bike trail... just being in your arms again! Though I try, words fail to express the hole that has formed within my heart... leaving me to find something I never wanted...
Later in the evening, we hiked over to the neighbor's house and met the parents who had lost the aforementioned child. At first, it was just a lot of small talk - and a little banter among friends. As time went on and we got to know each other a little better, we began speaking about our loved ones whom we have lost... I spoke of you and they spoke of their daughter. I was able to share stories of "us" with joy in my heart... after all, we had some years together... they said goodbye to their little girl way too soon. I could tell that the strength of their love for each other as well as the love they have for their other children have brought them thus far and will continue to bring them through life's journey. They were an inspiration to me... the hope for a day when I won't fear to let me heart "feel" again... knowing it is still too soon now. I know that I can look to God for the love I need at this time to help my heart heal... feel whole again!
Many people tell me I am strong... I just don't feel it myself... but I keep trying! They say "how brave I was to make this journey alone"... I wasn't alone... I'm never alone. But I am scared... not of what has come, but what is to come. I know that the easy road I traveled to get here now has to become the hard road I must travel to return home. "Home"... that place where most of our memories happened... dreams created... lessons learned! Now it is merely a brick shell that holds our material possessions... no dreams... few hopes! I reflect back to those dreams and try to honor you by living them without you... it is hard but again, I try!
Soon I will get back on those roads and head back to the place we called home for what seemed like so long before... now to realize it was just a "flash" of time. I will go back to our family who we nurtured... and I will continue to watch them grow in many ways... the anticipation of the new granddaughter that you never got to hold in your wonderful arms. I will go back to that home knowing that only too soon it will be completely empty... wondering how I will survive but knowing that it has to happen... and it will. Your love lives on in our boys. I see so much of you in them now... your warmth... compassion... understanding... loyalty!
Loyalty... something that is not present often enough today! You were forever loyal... faithful... trustworthy. You made me aspire to things I before had felt were long gone from this world. You restored my faith... you made me whole!
I have the love and compassion of many others in my life now and that helps me get through the day, but it's your love that brought me thus far and will sustain me through many more tough days ahead. When I get on that "hard road" leading me back home, I know that my two special co-pilots will be with me all the way... that will give me strength to get me back to where I need to be... and eventually will make me whole again.
Life without you will never be the same, that I know... I must find my way along this journey we call life and when I get to my final destination you will be waiting for me once again with "Open Arms."
Gone but not forgotten... never forgotten... I love you Andy!

For You I'll Sing

2012-09-09T10:52:00.002-05:00

You always were my biggest fan... my inspiration... my muse!
It's funny how for so many years I abandoned music... what had meant so much to me as a teenager became a distant memory as I began living my life as a wife and mother. It wasn't that you didn't approve, you just didn't know! We never talked much about it... until our children were old enough to fend for themselves. I guess it wasn't that I didn't still feel the beat in my heart and my soul, it was just hidden behind the cries and laughter of our babies!
Once you realized what it had meant to me, you jumped in full force. You gave me the time I needed to plan a reunion for a group that I had sung with in high school... you encouraged me... even helped me pull it all together. It was a great day... saw people I had not laid eyes on in 30 years... even pulled off a concert for the public that evening. You were by my side through it all... even taking pictures throughout the day!
I am so happy that you got the chance to meet the people who meant so much to me before I was blessed with you in my life!
In addition to your recognition of my need to sing, you had also been encouraging me to express myself through written word... "I think you should write a book" had become a statement that you would make to me at the very least weekly! I disregarded it... "nobody would care to read what I have to say" I would reply! You would give me a smile... shrug... and we would move on...
Even in the car (yes, I am one of those people you see just singing away in the solitude of my personal vehicle - especially now) I hear a song and sing as if yours are the ears that are listening. Who am I to question... I hope they are... I sing for you!
Last week I went to choir practice... almost turned around several times on my way, but I conquered that feeling and went anyway. It amazed me how for that hour, I didn't feel like a child who had lost her way. I felt "restored." I sang as if my voice was being delivered directly to you and God... and not for anyone else to hear. For that hour, I thought of you but did not shed a tear... quite an accomplishment I might add.
I am so very sorry that I let life get in the way of acting on those dreams you had for me... I see now that I should have pursued things more... just had too much else to do!
Now more than ever I feel the need to sing... for you I'll sing!

Finding My Smile

2012-09-09T10:51:00.002-05:00

For so many years, we talked about just getting in the car and driving... we never did!
We spoke of family members around the country that we would like to visit... we never went!
We figured that we could do it when we got time... that never happened!
So the other day, I decided to combine those dreams and make them a reality...
I filled the gas tank, wrapped my security blanket (the last work shirt you ever wore... remember, we had a discussion about that shirt on your final day.) I am so thankful that you forgot to take it off for me to wash with the others! It's amazing how something so small that I allowed to frustrate me on our last day together is so important to me now. Anyway, I am not writing this to rehash laundry day... I'm pretty sure you know it wasn't a big deal... if memory serves, it really wasn't even then. I just wanted to thank you yet again for giving me something to hold on to... Anyway, with my bible and one of your famous "deer" pictures on the passenger seat, off we went. I cranked the CDs you made for me over the years -- amazing how in 25 years, your taste in music grew, but never wavered. I love that about you by the way!
I stopped by and talked to the local tire store where we had just priced tires for my car a few weeks ago. They didn't have the size we needed in stock, but he felt that I had at least another 5 or 6000 miles left... so I decided to just take care of that later.
I threw a few items into the suitcase... I still hadn't completely unpacked it from our last weekend together for the wedding we went to 3 days before you left us... as with everything else, I cried a little as I removed the items I would not need to pack for you.
I knew the final destination, but not the journey. All I knew was that I would avoid the last highway you traveled... not sure I am ready to deal with that alone... and especially with so many miles ahead of me still. I didn't worry too much about it... navigator would get me where I needed to be, I figured. I know, you never trusted her... she always seemed to tell us to go weird ways during our travels - but you had spent so many hours on these roads, you knew them without her help... I did not!
Several miles into the journey, it began to rain... hard! I suddenly realized (in the middle of nowhere in Missouri) that these tires, while they still had miles left to go, were worn enough that they were not going to keep me safe on these slick 2 lane roads being traveled. It was at this point that I realized something that I really hadn't been too sure of lately... I still have a life to live - and the desire to live it! I prayed that you and God (the 2 best co-pilots a girl could ask for) would guide me safely through this difficult journey and either dry these roads or help me find a way to continue safely. Just then, I approached a small Missouri town and right before me there was a small tire store... I pulled the car in and bought 4 new tires. They were actually cheaper than what I was getting in town. I spent an hour sitting in this small tire shop waiting room talking with a couple of men who had vehicles being inspected... it was nice just carrying on smalltalk again.
Soon the tires were on the car and back to the journey we would go. Even at this point, navigator was trying to get me to turn around and go back to the route I was trying so desperately to avoid... again I ignored her, but I did buy a map - so now I had proof of where I needed to ultimately go! Again, I really wasn't worried about the route taken since time is of no consequence to me now... the goal was to just "be." At this point, I readjusted the options from quickest route to shortest route and with that, she lead us the way we needed to go... through Iowa country.
It was in a small rural community in Iowa that I found something else I thought I had lost forever... my smile! Little did I know, it had been there the whole time! Before long I even realized that I was hearing laughter in the car... it was me! It was in the uniquely painted barns and houses along the road... it was in the trailer park that had one conspicuous bovine painted shed in the middle... it was in the small children running freely down the mainstreet... it was just away!
I had told my family that I was not sure if I would reach my destination during the same day, or if I would stop and rest for the night along the way... nothing was set in stone! I found that when you just "drive" without caring about the time... obeying the speed limits... soaking up the surroundings, the miles just pass by... I arrived at my destination!
It was great seeing everyone waiting for me with arms outreached... much needed hugs awaited!
It goes without saying, I still have a lot of this grieving process to go through, but it sure was nice to realize that my smile is not gone forever... just hiding in the strangest of places now!
I thank you and God both for my safe arrival and know that you will be with me on my return trip as well... Maybe it isn't always about the destination... I needed to take this journey.

Finding My Way

2012-09-09T10:50:00.002-05:00

As it approaches a month since you left, I feel the need to begin to fumble around... I need to find my way!
It will not be an easy road... nothing has been easy since you've been gone. "I'll carry on" I tell myself. It would be easier if everywhere I turn I wasn't reminded of you - and how quickly you were taken from me! No time to prepare... tell you what you did for me! I pray now that you knew that you made me whole...
I am not perfect... I got angry... I told God just that! This is not fair and I can not see how it can possibly be what was necessary to have happen in my life at this time. It was at that point... during my confrontation with God, that I was brought to a new place. I wish I could say that I see "purpose" now and that everything will be good... I just can't say that. But one thing I can say now is that I will find my way. It's not the way I wanted it to be... but it is now my truth... my reality!
I have always had faith, but was naive to it's power until I reached this point! I was approached by something so much bigger than you and I... a strength that pulled me up from the deep hole where your absence had lead me. I can't say that the anger has subsided, or that my grief is any less, but I don't feel quite as alone as I did before. It isn't the same as having you here... nothing will ever be the same.
I would love to say that the tears have gone away... they have not - nor will they for quite some time I fear. They have gotten less desperate... less unproductive! I sob frequently, but the hysterical weeping I encountered just days before seem to be more in control. I continue to reach out for answers... getting none... but not giving up hope. I owe you at least that much!
Yesterday was tolerable... it had it's moments though. I experience things and the first thing that goes through my mind is "I can't wait to tell Andy"... will that ever go away? Again, I fear that it will not. I find that decisions (even very simple ones) are so hard to make now... you kept me grounded... sane... focused! Where do I turn now for this? I hear a voice inside me that is trying to tell me these things... and I think I may actually listen to that voice (though it sounds a lot like your words) better than I did when you were here - saying them to me. I don't talk back... it's just not fun!
Not a minute of any day has gone by that you have not been a forethought or an afterthought... even a "during" thought! I have to learn to stand on my own two feet now; and in order to do that I am reaching out to people to teach me things I never bothered to pay attention to before!
I learned a few facts today that I would rather not have known... it pains me to think of you that way! I hurt so much for what you must have gone through in those final moments... and am thankful that it was sudden... but it still causes me great pain! While for the most part I had suspicions, they were just theories... now I have images that I can't get rid of. I fear they will haunt me forever.
I heard a song earlier while driving... I listen to that last CD you made me for our last trip together every time I get in the car. The song "We May Never Pass This Way Again" began to play and I immediately thought back to our trip to the R+L condo in Ft. Myers Beach, FL several years ago... Trevor had stood in line (camped out actually) in front of Walmart just a few days before for the midnight release of the Nintendo WII. He was so excited about that game system... we let him bring it along. You had put that song on the CD we used for that trip as well (hmmm, I see a pattern forming here)... and every time it would get to the chorus, we would sing "WII may never pass this way again" - really accentuating the word "WII"<we>. We drove Trevor to distraction... and we laughed until we had tears in our eyes... silly stuff, but it's a memory I now hold so close!
Then "Open Arms" began to play and I just go went back to weeping uncontrollably... that was the first song we ever danced to as husband and wife almost 23 years ago... and the last... just 3 days before you were taken from me. That song actually began playing on the radio as we were driving to your funeral... I have to say it spooked the boys somewhat. They knew how you would request that song at any given moment to show me how much you cared. Maybe if I hadn't wanted it to be from you so badly it would have spooked me too. I just held that thought in my heart to get me through the tough moments ahead.
The last day we spent together seems like a lifetime ago... such a distant memory... feeling your arms around me... sharing your strength... your wisdom... your love!
I know that I have many tough days ahead... I am not kidding myself. But today I have to start taking that journey... taking that first step...finding my way!

New Normal... What's Normal?

2012-09-09T10:49:00.000-05:00

"I want you back in my life... every moment of every day" is the thought that races through my mind as I glance at the picture of you here at my side!
I am told that I have to find my "new normal" now... I don't want to leave my "old normal"... it was safe... comfortable... warm. You taught me things about life and love that I had only heard about before I met you! Now all I have are the memories of you and me... nothing tangible to hold onto anymore!
They told me you were gone... I really didn't believe them for a while. Even after the flowers had all wilted, I still didn't believe it was true. Too much time has passed now... you would be back by my side if you could -- I keep reminding myself. The "why's" and "how's" are still so prevalent... encompassing my every thought and mood! How long will I have to carry this burden? I am too young to have to feel this way... too much life ahead of me... too much time to be alone! Yet I can't see my life any other way now!
I look back and wonder why I ever cared about anything else when I so clearly had it all... you were my all... and together we turned it into even more. Our relationship had a dynamic all it's own... and we loved that about each other. We had reached a comfortable stage that very few can relate to... and we wouldn't have traded that for anything in the world! Now all I have is the uncomfortable feeling of trying to exist without you!
Everywhere I turn there is a reminder of our last days together... I turn on the DVD player to find "Sherlock Holmes"... a movie I bought you for Fathers Day just a couple of months ago. You had started watching the movie weeks before, but something would come up every time... you never saw the end, I'm sure! Maybe some day I will watch it for you... just not yet... it's still too soon!
I keep reminding myself that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all... still little consolation! I am greedy... I wanted you by my side forever... that is what you promised... that was what I grew to expect!
Now I just hope you are at peace. I feel you with me; and on rare occasion I see you in my dreams... but that still is not enough! Why did you leave me so soon! That question just keeps coming back to me over and over like a broken record. Where did our "forever" go?
I carry you, imbedded in my heart, every moment of every day!
I ran across this song... it speaks volumes...
"There You'll Be" by Faith Hill
I'll find my "new normal"... someday... somehow. In the meantime, I am so thankful that I had you in my "old normal." I love you Andy... yesterday... today... always!