Mo to the Hammed

A Very Merry Millennial Ramadan

2015-07-04T15:06:00.002-07:00

Not may people know this, but Ramadan is the equivalent of Lent to Christians. It's a month of spirituality, detoxification and family time.

If Ramadan could be summed up in 3 words, it would be WTF: Where’s The Food! Seriously, with fasting, one doesn't need stash to get high & have the munchies. Consider yourself lucky, if you are able to get 2 hours of focus at work. (Oh and if you’re the roller of your group, you’re more than welcome to roll sambousas in my kitchen)

We fast from dawn until dusk. Around sunrise, panic strikes as we throw water bottles to each other counting down the last remaining seconds before everyone withdraws of food and liquids for the day (dramatically exaggerated). At breakfast time, we’d take turns leading prayers, and at one point I forgot the verses half way through *bursts into flames*.

So without further ado, here are some millennial traditions for the holy month!

Live tweeting during prime time family TV shows; it is the only season when actors get to play different characters on a million channels (sometimes within one show 0_o)

Vimto Staches on the last day before Eid

Greeting Wars: Spam as much as you can to proclaim your title whether it is being the first, quirkiest, most original or funniest...

Countdown Panic: As illustrated above

Caffeine Placebo: It’s a Saadoun hack to smell coffee beans for a burst of energy

Tribal size (not family size): all item packs at supermarkets become larger than life

So I’ll conclude this Ramadan summary with the song "Sambousa" by Daffy. Now shake your tail feathers!

I Was Born in the 80's

2015-06-29T15:09:00.000-07:00

I was born in ’88 but surprisingly enough; my early childhood was heavily influenced by that era. I grew up to Michael Jackson’s music and dreadful Miami Congo hits. We must be

The last generation to play in public parks and playgrounds

The last to use cassettes and the pioneers of walkmans and chatrooms

When it came to technology, we recorded our favorite shows on VHS. Super Nintendo was the bomb and Apple had a long way to go.

We are the generation of Beast Wars, Scooby-Doo, Loony Toons, Disney, Popeye, Ninja Turtles, Fraggle Rock & Ghost Busters.

We did not have tablets, smart phones or social media. But nevertheless we had a great time!

And according to Playback FM, the hit single on the day I was born was Never Gonna Give You Up by Rick Astley. Try it yourself to find out what smash hit you were born to!

Flying sky high 3 “The Mile High Club”

2015-06-27T15:59:00.000-07:00

Plane Rides across Jordan, USA, France and KSA

Travel tip: Planes fly counter Earth’s rotation to reach destination faster.

Jordan: We jump into the car & leave to the airport. We’re glad to be heading back to Jordan. The twist this time is that our grandma is coming with us. Being carried away with the music, I did not realize if we missed the exit to the airport or not. So my brother told me to take the first one coming up ahead, when in reality it was the one after. As I turned right, my brother yelled “It’s the next one!” so I did my best to swerve back on to the main road. Drifting with joy, my grandma yells out “Who’s following us!? Are We being followed!?”, anxiously looking back. Awkward silence looms the car as she’s been watching to many police dramas.

We arrive at the airport & drop our bags off. As we are ascending the escalator to the waiting lounge, I ask my sister to hand over my pack of hollow cigarettes. As she did so, the pack fell open, scattering all the cigarettes over the moving steps. As we rushed to pick them up, the security guard at the top of the stairs must have suspected us of being drug smugglers. I can’t imagine what could have hinted that. It can’t be my sister’s reaction of screaming “You & your pot head friends!” at the top of her lungs.

My sister was seated next to my grandma and I was seated next to my brother. I did not get any sleep the night before, so I was drowsing off upon departure. My iPhone was next to me on the armrest. I knew it would slide off but I did not expect it to fly off into infinity. There was nothing I could do about it being under the influence of Zzz. We could not call my phone, as it was in airplane mode -__- but luckily everyone was kind enough to help out using the flashlights of their phones. I turned the whole cabin into a strobe light search party for the hearing impaired. To my dismay, we found it at the end of the business class after almost giving up.

Once the seatbelt signs were switched off, my grandma decided to put on a pair of earrings. She could not find the holes in her ears without a mirror so she simply pierced new ones by forcing the earrings in. Ah the joy of narcotics. The head stewardess’ expression was priceless as she tried to keep a poker face on, taking orders from my grandma with bleeding ears.

USA: Surprisingly, Rochester Airport, Minnesota was never an international airport until a Saudi Prince landed there on a direct flight from Saudi Arabia. On long flights, it’s a Saadoun tradition to watch recap episodes of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. on the plane.

Usually it’s always me who is on Cloud 9 between flights, so it felt good to be on the other side this time picking my brother up at the airport. My brother was flying in on Delta Airlines and it hit me right then and there, how absurd their safety video is. When I first saw it, I thought my drink was spiked. Then again, if I compare it with ME Airlines in-flight video, theirs is much wackier showing clubbing scenes & strippers for family tourism.

My brother was in the States on a surprise visit to his fiancé. Her mom’s from Kuwait, and their passports are blue. When waiting in line at TSA checkpoints, Americans always whisper “I never knew we had a State of Kuwait”. No comment…

France: What can I say, the craziest country in the world. One of their ex-colonies, St. Martin Island, has a beach called Maho in which planes fly over tanning bystanders at minimum altitude.

On a domestic flight between Paris-Cannes, I had to get rid of most of my toiletries and bottles. So now, each time I see happy passengers with their bottles of water, I think to myself “Smile now, but they'll make you throw it away later.”

As I waited in the security line to scan my luggage, an officer in charge kept chanting what to throw away and what to keep. Little did she know is that my bottle of water was Orange Sparkle all the way from NYC, which cannot be found on European shores. My bottle was clearly half full and she insisted that I toss it aside. I tried to explain to her the significance of my drink, but she interrupted me by asking “Where are you flying to?” I told her I was heading to Cannes. She responded “Well, there is plenty of water there! In the trash please.” And that was the end of my short-lived indulgence.

After retrieving my bag from the scanner, a French TSA officer urged me to open my bag. Half my bottles were for my hair, given the fact that I was flying to a humid destination (Diana Ross flash backs). It was evident that all my bottles had a ¼ left in them but since they were labeled 200ML, the officer remained stubborn. To my left were Algerian officers who must have felt sorry for the Bedouin trying to negotiate, so they rushed to my aid. But it was too late. As bottles were dramatically tossed in slow motion before my eyes, the only bottle that I could salvage was my deodorant.

My advice to passengers with carry-on luggage is to always carry bottles of 150ML & below. And if you ever find yourself in my situation, then ask for a declaration form to salvage what you can.

KSA: Since 2009, my flights to Jeddah have been somewhat jinxing pop stars. When I first arrived the week of 21 June, Michael Jackson passed away. Fast-forward to 2012, on a transit flight via Jeddah, Whitney Houston passes away that same day. 0_o

Speaking of transits, I hate it when Lebanese lie, saying they lived in a particular country or city when they have only stayed at the airport for a few hours. Some even go the whole 9 yards, claiming they forgot how to speak Arabic! I would not be surprised if some of them forget themselves into oblivion, believing they have suddenly become Mexican with an identity crisis in less than 2 hours.

By now, I think I am jinx-free because no celebrity, I know of, has parted this life so far.

48 Hours in Bahrain

2015-06-27T15:12:00.001-07:00

Bahrain: noun. /bɑːˈreɪn/. › A country in the Middle East known as Saudi Arabia’s Mexico. From around the GCC, this active island is the destination to be amongst spring breakers. Just a 4 hour drive away from Riyadh’s capital, one can’t but wonder about the abandoned ferret wheel close to the bridge. It is one of Saudi’s unconventional landmarks on the East Coast.

Since booze is prohibited in Saudi, I like to refer to Vodka as Bahraini water. Very un-Saudi of me, but I have only been to Bahrain once… And by plane! My brother and I went for a comedy festival. We stayed in downtown Bahrain, which was basically the red-light district. After a weekend of fun in Sin City, we hit our hotel around 3:00 am in the morning.

I barely closed my eyes for 5 minutes, and I hear a knock at the door. I ignore it, and someone knocks at the door again, I open it up only to find an Asian prostitute with orange dreadlocks asking me “Hi I’m O, you want lady?” I replied “No! It’s 3 in the morning!” and shut the door, assuming she went to the wrong room. Around 15 minutes later, I hear a knock again at the door. I open it up, and there she was... Again! But this time acting all sly, asking “Is Menwer here?” so I replied there was no one by that name here. She responds back “OK… So you want lady!?” and an obese version of her pops up from behind her, smiling to say “I’m G, you want lady?”. I think to myself where is M? And yell at her “For the last time, no we don’t!”. Storming back into my room, I call hotel management to have her escorted out of here.

We head out to the airport that afternoon to catch our return flight back home. My brother had some liquor chocolate with him and decided to eat a few. He disappeared in the bathroom for a while so I went to check up on him to make sure he was fine. My knuckles barely touched the door and it flung open due to air turbulence and inside was a guy gratifying himself. In horror, I run back to my seat, thinking liquor chocolate doesn’t seem so bad right now.

A Cacao Drama Not Written by Hershey

2015-06-27T14:21:00.001-07:00

I had a dream last night…

I was running around inside a mall, looking for a chocolate store, which I think represented freedom. I was racing the clock so it must have been closing time.

I could not find the chocolate I need to free myself. So I bought a few here and there, trying to combine them into "The Freedom Piece" to release myself.

As I was assembling the pieces, mixing combinations, I heard a familiar voice. When I looked up ahead, I saw 2 friends of mine having lunch at the food court.

I waved and they waved back. It was comforting. I felt relieved and good seeing them. It restored my faith that there is still good in this cynical world.

I lost hope and seeing them motivated me to try again in my search for freedom.

The 5 Flag Theory to Polarized Citizenship

2015-06-27T14:00:00.000-07:00

I have recently read an article called “A Foreigner in My Own Country”. I completely resonated with it, as I’m a minority within my own society.

Made in the U.K. and assembled in K.S.A. to a Saudi mother and an Iraqi father, I’m considered as a conditional citizen. I was born and raised in the sandy capital of Saudi Arabia. Saudi is my home and I'm proud to be one. For me, being Saudi means making it rain A-rab money… Or so I wish.

We refer to ourselves as a community of halfies. My whole family is that way, maternally and paternally. It is as if we were raped by the U.N.

I never felt discriminated against, until one day I was denied a job to a less qualified candidate due to my nationality.

So if you’re unable to be adopted by Angelina Jolie, the best way to break free of nationality (↓ liabilities ↑ opportunities) is to follow a three-flag system by Harry Schultz. The three flags consist of having a

· Second passport/citizenship in a country that does not tax money earned abroad

· Safe location for your assets in a tax haven

· Legal address/residency in a tax haven

To these, W.G. Hill added a fourth & fifth flag,

· An additional tax haven country as a business base for investment

· A number of ‘playground countries’ with low consumption tax and VAT for leisure time

You can always reorder the flags to make them more achievable for yourself.

Each flag represents a specific element of your personal finances and is designed to impact and increase your freedom, privacy and wealth with the overall objective: peace of mind.

But Does She Like It? 8 New Men Colognes Tested… by a Wife

2015-06-27T13:55:00.003-07:00

Diesel Only the Brave  

A rough blast of peppery testosterone — exciting, like jumping in a Jeep with an 18-year-old hockey player, but also a bit juvenile for my husband. Still, the aggression had... results. I guess that's what you want, huh?

John Varvatos Vintage  

A strong opening — very clear cedar-and-fruit scent that I found a little sweet in the first few minutes. It quickly quieted, though, into some sort of bucolic fantasy of haylofts and woodsheds. I'm telling you, men and yardwork...

Gucci by Gucci  

Very, very sexy — as expected, I suppose. Maybe a little too slick for my man, but it inspired some dark dreams about money, murder, and that dude from Miami Vice. This is what movie stars should smell like.

Odin New York no 2  

Ah, Odin — love those guys. The Owari fragrance is so yummy I'm wearing it myself right now under my bikini. Like most exotic fragrances, it wore away too quickly, leaving only the faintest taste of mandarin oranges and mint on my pillow. But maybe that's perfect. Put on lots and lots, please.

Big Pony Collection 3  

I believe that Ralph Lauren's magic is real: Rugged, simple Americana is a sexy, simple bet for a gentleman. I was a bit shocked by the bracing greens of the bottle, and it opened like a classic woody fougère (hey, look it up!) but soon cooled into a really refreshing mint. (Ever had scotch with a splash of mint iced tea?) The Big Pony was great for daytime, but a little, shall we say, energetic for the bedroom.

Polo Red White and Blue  

This bottle from Ralph would actually make a nice complement to his big green one, sexing up the situation with warm red apples and sage. And, yes, you can have day and evening scents. Despite how much we take up, you do have room in the medicine chest.

Burberry Sport  

A little more of a traditional cologne scent here, so very gentlemanly. But the impression I got was a sip of frosty Witbier: orange and wheat with a crisp juniper finish. Go ahead and embrace smelling like a beer — in this case it will be delicious. It was also my husband's favorite, by the way.

But No Matter What...  

1. Your ideal fragrance should make a woman want to nuzzle, explore... and possibly steal your cologne.

2. Take it easy. Please do not bathe in the stuff.

3. Also, please do not spray cologne on your crotch. It tastes nasty.

4. Put on just enough so that there's a bit left on your skin in the morning. A bit on her skin, too. To remind her.

Source: Esquire

Francaphone Facts

2015-06-27T13:52:00.002-07:00

As I’m eating this chocolate croissant, I’m reminded of the saying Buraidah is Paris of Najd. So are you guys ready to know interesting facts about France?

1. French people are the second biggest consumers of alcohol per capita in the Western world. This explains a lot about their attitude…

2. French people cheek-kiss to greet each other between family & friends, even between men. The number of kisses varies according to the region, from 1 kiss (e.g. in the tip of Brittany) to 4 kisses (e.g. Paris and most of the North), and occasionally up to 5 in Corsica. Still, we Saudis are unbeatable in this area

3. Until 1964 French women weren’t allowed to open a bank account or get a passport without their husband's permission. To my Saudi ladies… Any comments? J

4. Although French language is a direct descent of Latin, French people have some of the most diversified genetic make-up Europe, with genes inherited from the Celts (or Gauls), the Basques, the Romans, the Franks (originally from the Benelux) and the Normands (originally from Denmark), which explains the wide physical diversity in French facial traits, as well as hair and eye colors. In Saudi, when someone points at a stranger, stating he/she is my cousin, believe him!

5. French used to be the language of nobility and diplomacy all across Europe and in the Ottoman Empire. Then, it was the world's first international language until English replaced it in the mid-20th century

6. French language is spoken by 270 million people worldwide, of which 120 million are native or fluent (almost as much as the number of curse words my grandma cusses per minute). There is less than 60 million White Caucasian native speakers of standard French worldwide. We Saudi Frenchies weren’t included in these statistics by the way

Source: Eupedia

Seamless Communication

2013-10-04T01:31:00.000-07:00

Communication has come a long way since mankind developed languages. It has evolved through many mediums leading to social innovation & creativity. Ironically, as much as users promote themselves online, collecting friends as stamps, the person’s limit to maintain connections is 150 relationships maximum. We cannot stay in contact with more than 150 people at a time. Hence, the whole purpose of having a huge following online is the power to influence.

As a marketer, my goal is to connect people with brands and brands with people. Thus, I will emphasize on brand experience via social creativity. The trick to social creativity is to first determine a social tension or passion that is relevant to the brand. Once that is identified, one must always integrate these 3 elements (playfulness, interactivity, ability to pass on) into his communication content to maximize share value across all channels. This way, the target audience will share the fun of your campaign due to being entertained and engaged.

Another way of ensuring a brand’s impact is by segmenting communication across these 4 spheres; Public, Social, Psychological, Tribal. As Saudi Hollandi Bank, we hit the public sphere by mass awareness through campaigns and PR activities. We hit the social sphere by solving a tension for SMEs seeking funds. We hit the psychological sphere by having our clients relate our slogan’s action “Banking made easy” to our brand. What remains is the tribal sphere, which we have lightly tapped by having clients associate themselves with our brand as promotion winners.

Key takeaways:

Behavior Shift: Solving a social tension relevant to the brand, e.g., trusting banks
Fun Theory: Campaign content to be entertaining, innovative, useful
Relationship has greater impact than the message itself
Brand community = social capital which leads to influence

For those of you who wish to delve further into the subject at hand, I recommend

- A book called Brand Washed

- A short video on human behavior http://elitedai.ly/18eyn9c

Everyone Has That Friend

2013-09-27T14:19:00.000-07:00

In every group of friends, we either have a few or all of the following people whom I have categorized below. I will be emphasizing more on some, and unfortunately my social circle has them all!

The Pansy Boy:

The best way to describe him is by this quote “gay in everyway except for sexual orientation!” – Family Guy. I can’t remember who let him in to our group but we should’ve seen the signs. The first time he tagged along to our house, he got lost in the neighborhood, and when he tried to ring the buzzer, it was out of order. Clearly the warning signs couldn’t have been more obvious than Michael Jackson between freaks.

The weeks passed by, and unfortunately we tolerated him then got accustomed to the fact that we’re hopeless and he will always be with us. You can’t imagine how much of a Tutti Frutti this guy is! He is so full of himself and always talking about his looks as well as showing us before and after photos of…dare I say it? Yes himself!

Once we were all sharing dating stories when all of a sudden he interrupted adding “yeah, a few weeks ago I was getting it on with this virgin, but when she saw me, she told me because I was so hot, she wanted to have my babies right then and there! “ Awkward silence followed because none of us knew how to react to that randomness.

The douche:

He’s such a dumbass, I don’t know where to start with his stupidity. I bet if I yelled fascist to his face, he would be like yea that’s me I’m fancy! Though I must admit, watching him approach the ladies is pure entertainment. He would walk up to a cute girl, lick his lips and point at other girls telling her “mmm the place is full of chikittas tonight!” NO COMMENT. Whenever someone has an experience to share, coincidentally he’s been through more extreme versions of our experiences. I am really anticipating the day a girl shares a female related incident, and we all get to see how he relates.

The Fake Girl:

You know how when babies are born doctors spank them to have them gasp for air. Well I’m sure when she was born she faked a laugh for air! Though I must give her credit she was about to keep it real once. I bumped into her at a bar and you could actually see her face twitch as she struggled within herself as to whether fake it or not. Then she couldn’t resist and stroke back with the weirdest nutcracker smile and an overly expressed “so happy to see you!”

The Pothead:

Whether he does pot or not doesn’t matter; end result is the same. Talk to him for an hour and it’s as if you were talking to your own foot. However, your foot doesn’t give you that frustrating blank stared “…what…?” every time you ask for an opinion. We did a mistake once of letting him pick up take out. We ordered Domino’s Pizza, and a after an hour of waiting, he actually brought back literal dominos from Toys ‘R’ Us!

Another time, I had him take my iPod to an Apple Store to fix it. Later that night I found out he gave it to some random waiter at Applebee’s!! Damn junkies!

The Weirdo.

I believe this guy inspired Lady Gaga. Each time we’d see him he would have a new accent. Whenever we have metal or rock music playing in the background he would start twitching. He would stay quiet the whole time and only start talking while the movie was playing.

Once in class, he came to flirt with my cousin asking her “did you fart!!?” my cousin responded “what the!!?...NO” but he insisted “oh come on just say yes…ok!....say yes” to get rid of him she replied “yes” which he immediately reacted to “I knew it! Cause you blew me away!”

This other time at band camp, no seriously but this other time during a gathering we were saying yomama jokes. He got all excited with powder in his hand yelling at the top of his lungs yomama’s so old she breast feeds like this; when he came to blow the powder out, he had his palm on his mouth, instead of shaping his hand like a cylinder. So inevitably, he blinded himself with powder bursting all over his face, it was like watching napoleon dynamite live!

The stinky one:

He screeches like a cat yet he has a phobia of them. I’m pretty sure while the rest of us evolved from apes he evolved from an onion. I think he was sent to us as a punishment from God. I swear when he enters a room it’s as if he enters just to leave a legacy behind; to plague the area with his scent then take off. I bet we’d go blind if we looked directly at his armpits! He is immune to deodorants and showers! He must be capable of disproving detergents and disinfectants.

We once had to work on a project together; we were too close for safety measures. I was literally tearing. You really have to experience it for yourself. I don’t know if I’m becoming delusional but you can hear the word EVIL each time he lifts his armpits.

I can see him having face offs with skunks!

The Spoiled One.

This guy is so spoiled that dogs owned by Brit bourgeoisies and Miami cougars have nothing on him! Usually when we are out clubbing, we all have drinks at a pub or someone’s house before hand to avoid the pricy tab at the clubs. Also for tables we’d usually pitch in but for him money grows on trees.

Once we were all joking around checking out new summer destinations. I was like I’d have to rent a fishing boat the next time we hit St.Tropez to compete with Diddy’s yacht parties. Then out of nowhere, he goes yea I remember I reserved all of nikki beach for 20’000 Euros, pennies if you ask me. I swear my brother was going to kill him right then and there.

The damn problem is that if he actually earned all this money, then fine he would really have the bloody right to splurge, show off, and brag, but he is living off his parents!!

Miss knows It All.

Whether it is her field or not, she has the answer to everything. She’s so stubborn it’s ridiculous. Once she claimed herself to be the ultimate chef because she bought a pack of Betty Crocker and added extra sugar. She really considered opening her own bakery as if she was the one who invented flour.

Once we were all hanging out in our basement and she was like we will be having a storm tonight. So I told her that the weather forecasts and news channels didn’t mention anything. She snapped by saying “I read a lot.” Then my brother blurted out “let me guess! Ibullshit.com!!” That was a golden memory right there.

Twitter Mine and I'll twitter yours

2013-09-27T11:24:00.000-07:00

"Taking a glimpse at the web you can easily realize that Twitter is no longer a trend, but a lifestyle. Millions around the world are talking about what they are doing at the exact minute of posting. they are sharing ideas and having conversations live. The best part is that anyone can join a conversation!" – Anonymous

MindDrive, an NPO focused on urban youth's innovative development, helped their students design & build a car fueled by social media! The car's engine converted online social activity into fuel. Check out their summer road trip from K.C. to D.C. http://minddrive.org/connect/

On another note, Larry, the Twitter bird, can virtually be found as a social network icon on every website. You will notice that they're all static and standardized, which pops the question, why not be different?

This is where artistic minds swoop in, reincarnating him from the ashes as the blue phoenix he is. Here are some of my favorite ones:

Sources:

http://regivic.deviantart.com/art/Adiumy-Twitter-127677473

http://freakyframes.deviantart.com/art/Twitter-Bird-127757230

http://detrans.deviantart.com/art/Blue-Bird-Twitter-Icon-Pack-128472041

http://templay-team.deviantart.com/art/Twitter-Icon-BIRRRDFON-129436896

http://wurstgott.deviantart.com/art/Twitter-Replacement-127569831

http://icontexto.deviantart.com/art/IconTexto-Twitter-Buttons-109752921

http://littleboxofideas.deviantart.com/art/Twitter-Space-Free-Icons-137067723

Flying Sky High: Episode 2

2013-09-20T03:32:00.002-07:00

Getaways are a part of every person’s pursuit for fun, getting rid of stress, and maintaining sanity. So before reading this, I advise you to shout out loud “VACATION!! VACATION!! THANK GOD NO CONSTIPATION!” I know! Right! Eminem got nothing on me.

I have always opted for lively destinations rather than cities recommended by travel reviews. On this trip we were travelling to Beirut or what I like to call Gayrut because of the large joyful community there. It was the usual crowd: Fuzz, Abz, Susu, Tammi, Yara, and I.

We all sat at CheChe Café to kill time while we waited to board the plane. Abz and Susu became frustrated trying to find sockets to charge their laptops, while Tammi and I took our books out and snickered at them because of our simplicity. I was reading Londonstani, while she was reading Twilight. In my opinion Stephenie Meyer’s books are no better than a fourth grader’s writing abilities. I mean come on! The whole franchise is based on a vampire who lives in the forest and sparkles; obviously he’s a fairy! And how does he get a boner, if there is no blood pumping through his veins?

All of us being distracted we lost track of time. Fuzz decided to check the boarding passes and yelled out “Move God damn it! We’re late!” As we all packed our stuff in a rush, Yara spilled her milkshake all over the place. We ran around frantically like Mexicans around a piñata, trying to find gate 13. In all the confusion, we spread out. Tammi, Yara, Abz and I in one direction, while Fuzz and Susu headed the other way. After searching for gate 13 during what felt like forever, we realized that gate 13 does not exist and it was a typo on the damn tickets. Right then and there I felt elephants rather than butterflies in my stomach. We immediately heard the last call for our flight heading to Beirut at gate 11. As we were racing against time, Tammi’s heel flew off so I stopped to help her but she refused yelling dramatically, “Go on without me!” but I helped her anyways carrying her over my shoulder. She blurted out “thanks for shaving me…uh saving me! Haha this never happened!” Yara and Abz decided to meet us ahead to stall the airline staff from closing the gate until we were all united.

As we settled on the plane, we sat in two parallel rows. I heard the kid behind us reassure his mother that he was wearing superman underwear to feel safe on the plane. We took off shortly. We were flying economy and the airhostess closed the curtain dividing the two classes with a smirk that said “no free champagne for you”. I had my elbow on the armrest when I suddenly heard a loud friction. I turned for a glance and was horrified by what I saw! It was guy with his feet up, flicking his toes like antennas, as if he were marking his territory. I told him off while Tammi on my right was laughing silently and clapping like a retarded seal.

Susu was watching a film called “Midnight in Paris” but to her disadvantage her TV kept lagging so she kept changing seats to watch her movie. By the time she found a TV that streamed her film flawlessly, there was a guy reading the newspaper next to her. I guess it is karma for telling my grandma that the History Channel is the news channel.

An hour flew by and the airhostess arrived with the food kart. I did not know where to spit out my gum, so we decided to prank the people seated in front of us. I placed my gum on the corner of their armrest, while Yara kept pushing it closer to the woman’s elbow giggling loudly. Clearly, the concept of discretion is not familiar to her. We chose our food, and it was so obvious that Abz was flirting with the airhostess. Fuzz and I decide to pull a prank by writing an inside joke on the piece of paper & slipping it to her. So when she gives it to Abz, he would think it is her phone number. Let us just say that the expression on his face, upon receiving and reading what was on that paper, was priceless.

We landed surprisingly fast, so I guessed the pilot must have been dying to go the rest rooms. As we got up from our seats, we notice Sarah passed out on the passenger next to her, with drool on his shoulder. She woke up so startled that she pretended to be going through her phone to avoid that awkward moment. Her thumb was moving so fast, that it must have developed abs!

As for my next flight I hope it is on a no gravity flight to float around on the plane.

Job Interviews

2013-09-20T00:27:00.002-07:00

Applying for a job interview at IKEA? Make a chair, and have a seat.

Whilst job-hunting, I stumbled upon many epic offers but sadly, none of them were local. For instance in the gaming industry, one actually gets paid to test out video games to submit feedback. How cool is that!? I can just imagine an announcement on an employee’s promotion go “Level up, achievement unlocked!” In Australia I found this amazing job, where you explore deserted islands for a year whilst giving inputs on your discoveries for tourism purposes.ß Tanning; the seal of quality.

Though out of all of the stunning offers I found, my friend Rashid had one of the most fun tasks as an engineer at Blackberry. He would test their phones’ durability by any means of destruction. Whether, it is running them over with his car, hitting them with a baseball bat, or throwing them from tremendous heights. So if a phone actually survives an impact, it is readjusted and transferred to sales.

Fun fact: if you find your phone lagging or experience any technical difficulties, just lift the lid up and notice the infamous signature “Thrown by Rashid, courtesy of RIM”.

I remember my first full time job, which was my internship at Microsoft. I was living the Indian dream, working at a tech giant. I remember how sympathetic management were by distributing stress balls to the staff. It is as if they were indirectly saying “We know you’ve only thought of quitting about 4 times today, so here you go.” Working there, I saw my boss more than I saw my mom.

The Call:

It’s Saturday, and it’s my second time seeing the sun this month. As a fresh graduate I have been vacationing for the past two months. I have spammed my CV out to selected companies for a career in either PR or Marketing.

The next day I wake up to find 3 missed calls from random numbers. I call back in excitement but my calls go unanswered. Moments later, I receive a call from that same number with a guy speaking to me in French 0.o Naturally, I thought it was a prank call, so I played along only to realize that it was an actual representative from a PR firm and to top it all off, he is the V.P. of the company. Dayum nukka dayum! I managed to pull it off but he wanted to interview me straight away that afternoon.

I do not have time to go back home and change, so I showered at my friend’s place and ran to Zara to buy a shirt. I go in, buy a shirt, and leave (confession: that was my fastest shopping spree without distractions). Changing in the car, I think to myself this must be how super heroes do it. Over taking people rudely on the road, I realize that I break into a song and hum to make it less awkward for myself. Two traffic lights away from my destination, I realize the shirt stinks! Who ever tried it on before me is a disgusting skunk! I stop by a perfume parlor and drench myself until my nose is numb. 2 minutes away from the building I promise myself to wash everything I buy fresh off the shelf before wearing them.

Suddenly it hits me. I realize that during the first five seconds of a first encounter, we make no less than four judgments about each other. We assess everything in an instant from appearance to educational level. As I mentally panic, I start thinking if I had made any mistakes on my CV. I once read a resume that stated “fluent in Spinach” instead of Spanish. I even recalled this other one by a restaurant manager that stated that he cleaned & supervised employees.

I take a deep breath and walk in to the building hoping to bump into Walid Bin Talal, since Rotana is one of his sub companies. I can imagine each time someone would shake his hand, we would hear ka-ching. I take the elevator and walk in to the V.P.’s office. I notice his chair wasn’t authoritative enough, which got me thinking why don’t CEO’s have massage chairs as office chairs. I notice he was wearing a modern thobe with two green and white streaks across his sleeve. Spank God I held my tongue from blurting out my stupid comment “these must be the company’s colors”. It is enough I thought he was a prank caller.

I leave the office feeling good knowing that the interview went smoothly.

Lost in Translation:

The previous week, my friend decided to help me out by arranging an interview for me at Al-Faisal Foundation. It is the division of the Al-Faisal Group that is in charge of their educational and charitable projects. I thought to myself, I am either walking out of there as a free mason or a teacher, since the Late King Faisal and his sons are supposedly free masons.

I wake up the next morning and drive with confidence over there already having background information on the company. I park my car and call my friend up asking her which floor, so she responds “PWC on the 10^th”. I hit the roof thinking WTF! Her excuse was the infamous “I thought you knew”. When I entered the elevator, I noticed that all the buttons were pushed. So I thought to myself sarcastically, well I always wanted a tour of the building.

As I arrived at my destination, I reach out for the door. Little did I know, the door handle was like quick sand! The more I tugged at it the less responsive it became. So I pushed slowly until it clicked it with me. That moment felt like a lifetime. If it were a movie, it would have shown the hands of a clock spinning around, maybe a whole calendar flipping by.

I walk in with a poker face and a smile that says, “If you ever got hit by a bus, I’d be the one driving it”. As I am waiting in the meeting room, the coffee boy offers me some chef d’oeuvre called tamriah. Basically, it is some sort of finger food dessert made out of dates. It was my first time seeing and hearing of such a dessert. The instant I picked one up to smell it before tasting it, I hear another coffee boy behind me say in an Indian accent “don’t smell it, just gulp it… gulp… it” with the other coffee boy in front of me nodding his head.

I left the interview not pleased with their offer. They never called back (fakes fainting) but I am glad they did not because their workload was from 8:00 am to 6:00 pm oh ma gah! Haven’t they heard of a nine to fiver?

What I concluded from my interviews is that whenever you are asked whether or not you have any questions, it is to identify your area of interest. E.g., if you ask about the salary first then your primary interest is money and so forth. Also, whether you are switching careers or mid way through your current one, always remember this golden lazy boy rule. If you don’t want to do certain tasks asked from you, do them horribly so they will never ask from you to do them again.

2012-11-11T03:40:00.000-08:00

While most DDB’ers were off jet setting around the world, my dust-ination was Riyadh. It was holiday season in Saudi Arabia celebrating Islam’s annual pilgrimage of Hajj.

Fortunately, I wasn’t Riyadh bound alone. Khaled, Amjad, and Murthy stayed behind as well in the sandy capital. Murthy spent his days off with friends, relaxing lazily. Amjad was with family and loved ones. I spent my break with my family, having three consecutive nights of BBQ. We kept exchanging bags of meat with our neighbors in the spirit of generosity. Little did they know, that we were simply replacing the cutlets into new plastic bags to re-gift them to other neighbors. Now that, ladies and gentlemen, was money laundry 101. As for Khaled, his situation was merely ironic. He sought to spend his time in relaxation but ended up driving his son around. What he thought would be a one time father son favor, unraveled to become a holiday duty of driving his son to parties, tennis practices, and basically to every corner of Riyadh. However, that came to his benefit because he found it to be an opportunity to give his son driving lessons.

The Saudi Commission of Tourism and Antiquities would be proud to take in Ali, Mohammed, Fadi, Abdulrahman, Saleem, and Abdullah as spokespeople to promote domestic tourism, since they traveled across the kingdom. Ali went from Riyadh to Medina and back. He spent Eid with his family in Medina and spent the remainder of the holiday in Riyadh trying to lose weight. - Take a moment to applaud for Ali before pursuing on to the next sentence – Saleem was also with loved ones in Medina, but they did not get a chance to meet. Mohammed chose to invest his time wisely by going to Hajj and officially becoming a pilgrim. Apparently Hajj Pilgrimage this year was very much digitally oriented with people checking in on Foursquare benchmarking holy sites. Mohammed must have unlocked the ‘Be blessed’ badge online. Fadi, an unlikely drifter, spent his holidays between Dammam and Bahrain. Frankly, he seems to be more Saudi than me. Abdulrahman met him halfway by vacationing in Dammam. Abdullah was out and about in Al-Qassim.

Serge and Ibrahim took a flight to Labna Hills AKA Lebanon. Ibrahim spent his Eid with the family celebrating traditionally. Serge added a twist to his stay by throwing a birthday surprise for his mom before catching a plane to Istanbul. The fantastic four of graphic design hit their home country of exotic India. Sameer visited his in-laws and is not fond of his parent-teacher conference at his son’s school. He enjoyed his stay with his family by having movie nights on his new big screen HD TV. In Ajit’s own words, his holiday was short and sweet. I assume Vishal’s trip was similar and perhaps sweeter. Abhilash is yet to come back from his retreat.

Mother's Day

2012-08-24T13:17:00.003-07:00

‎محشش مستغرب: كيف كل الأمهات مولودين في نفس اليوم

‎كل إمراه فالعالم انجبت طفل إلا امي أنجبت اسطوره... كـــــفك يمــه 

لو أسجد شكرا لربي لكونها أمي لمضى عمري وأنا ساجد

تاج راسي جعل تاجي مايميل .. أمي اللي مستحيل ألحق جزاها <3 font="font">

ربي أسعد قلبها وأطل عمرها وأرزقني برها.. I love u. Mum<3 font="font">

Mammamia YoU GiVe LifE & PaeLLa To Me <3 font="font">

قاسمتھا جسدها في بدايتي والآن أقاسمھا عمري فما أسعدني لكونها أمي <3 font="font">

فديتك بقلبي روحي وكلي يا عزي فخري وراحة بالي

Mom I Love U More Than green apple with peanutbutter

فديت ماطى رجليك ياعلني فدوة لعينك

جعلك دوم بالرضى مبسوطة

يالي تحت الثرا أسمعيني ما غير اسمك اسمح ينكتب على جبيني / يمه وحشتيني :(

أحبك لدرجة أني بتزوج وحده فيها من طبعك يمه بسمي بنتي على اسمك... امزح، بسميها انجحي و لا ياويلك

Without u I'm outta Luck. Love U oh So Much O:)

you Light up my worLd like abdullah turning my lights on when he wants to borrow tshirt & I'm sleeping

♥ وضعوا يوم للأمهات ولم يعلموا ان امي هي كل ايامي

Only in Saudi

2012-08-24T13:15:00.000-07:00

آخر واحد يطلع من السعودية #:-s

يطفي اللمبات و يسكر الباب ويحط المفتاح تحت برج المملكة لآ ينسرق

‎:D عزيزتي البنت: هذي معلومه يمكن تصدمك : اذا اشتركتي بنادي لازم تروحين النادي عشان تنحفين ،الاشتراك لحاله ماينحف! ☺

ماعمري شفت مثل لستتي

أمس سكارئ ومحششين

ؤاليووم أطلق من عيال السديس =))

مالكم حل  =))

‏‏‏‏‏‏فقط بالسعوديه : "أبوي يبيك" جملة تؤدي إلى استرجاع مامضى من مصائب خلآل ثوآني مرعبه =))

فقط بالسعوديه : "عادي أجاوب من فهمي؟" جملة سعودية تؤدي إلى انشاء منهج جديد

فقط بالسعوديه : "والله ما يندرى عنك" كلمه تقولها أمي إذا ما عندها أدله على كذبتي =))

فقط بالسعوديه : كلمتين تحتاج الى ساعة كاملة للجواب.. "وش تبون عشا

فقط بالسعوديه : اذا قال لك احد "ابشوف وارد لك" فاعلم انه قد تم تصريفك!

فقط بالسعوديه : مافي جملة سعودية تلحس مخك مثل هاذي: ( أمشوا نجلس .. تعبنا وحنا قاعدين نمشي)"

فقط بالسعوديه : النساء يمتلكن ذاكرة حادة لدرجة أنهم يتذكرون أشياء مـ صارت أصلن

فقط بالسعوديه :إذا ماله خلق يسلم على صاحبه وهو بعيد يرفع حواجبه يعني سلام عليكم شعب منتهي!

اتحداك الحين اذا مارفعت حواجبك تجرب هههههخخخهخههخههه

والله انا عن نفسي رفعت حواجبي اجرب

فقط في السعوديه: إذا أحد عصب عليك..يقول(شف أنا مأآبي آحلف بس أقسم بالله)

من الجمل السعوديه اللي مالها معنى "أنا اذا عصبت عصبت" لا ياشيخ.يعني إذا عصبت بتنام مثلا =))

‏‏‏‏‏من الجمل السعوديه اللي مالها معنى :|[ وآللھ لو إني آيش ] :| آيش اللي لو انك آيش ؟ :ههههههههههه

‏فقط في السعوديه

اذا شآفوآ واحد ولد نعمة

قآلوآ لا يغرك ترآه موب

مرتآح نفسيآ :

الله أكبر ‏‏ :

تكفى إحنا الي تقطعنا

من الراحه النفسيه

الجمله السعوديه الجديده إللي مالها معنى ( عطني نفس المقاس بس أكبر شوي ) =))

فقط في السعوديه ،! آذآ تجمعوآ في البر كل كلامهم عن الجن :| لدرجة ان الجني يستغرب من النصب !!

الجمله السعوديه الوحيده اللي مالها معنى (خلآص انا اذا هذا اعطيك خبر)طيب وشو هذآ

فقط في السعوديه الواحد يقعد مع اهله ويقول بقولكم لغز واللي يعرف الجواب يسكت :/ ليش قايل اللغز



ماتلاحظون ان اغلب هذي التصرفات تسويها

‏

- كل شي حول بيت السعودي حقهم محطتنا مغسلتنا مسجدنا شارعنا بقالتنا << حلال أبووك هو /

والأشارة بعد يقطعها على أساس انهم جيران :|

٣- الشعب السعودي لازم يركب المصعد يقول تخيلو يطيح فينا ؟! << شعب حياته كلو اكشن في اكشن 

من جد ههههههههه وزيد عليها الطياارة (فأينل ديستنيشن )

٤- حبيبك جا << كلمة سعودية تأتي تلقائيا عند قدوم شخص تكرهه جدا

٥- جملة سعودية غير مفهومة ياولد ذاكر ترى (وراك مستقبل ) < ابفهم المستقبل ورا ولاقدام !! << =)) :'(

٦- في كل بيت سعودي لازم غطا الريمؤت ضايع << 8-|=)) هههههههههههههههههه

أتحدى أحد يحل ذا اللغز ولا كونان يعرف وين راح الغطاء

معتقدات سعوديه =)) *nerd*

تصنيف المواد عند الطالب السعودي مادتين:

مادة صعبة مايقدر يذاكرها :s

مادة سهلة مايحتاج يذاكرها 3-|

فقط عند السعودين

الإشارة الصفراء لاتعني "خفف السرعة " بل تعني " فيك تلحق فيك ماتلحق"=D

فقط في السعوديه:

نومة العصر أطول من نومة الليـل!

ويسمونها قيلوله .. هذي غيبوبه \=D/

ومازال الشعب السعودي إذا صار عندهم أخو أبيض يسمونه " يالسوري " يحسبون مافيه دوله بالعالم شعبها بييض إلا سوريا *nerd* =))

الشاب السعودي ينسدح ويطالع السقف ويشرب شاي وحاط رجل على رجل وإذا قلت له سالفه، يقول لك والله إنك فاضي

أووكي آسفين كمل شغل >:/ =D

شيء طبيعي تماما وإنت تقول لأمك سالفه ومتحمس وواقف من الحماس ....... وبنص السالفه ..! تسمعها تقول للخدامه: قطعي بصل صغيرصغير. :'(

الحمام مكان الحلول والخطط الفكرية والتخطيط العسكري و مخبأ للهروب من الضرب ومركز تسجيلات للأغاني واستيديو كل سعودي

‏فقط في السعوديه إذا نمت خلاص كأنك ميت ما يطلبون لك من المطعم ولا يخلون لك عشا بعد لااا و يطلعون و يخلوونك بالبيت بروحك :'( =))

‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏الرائحة التي يعشقها كل سعودي :D

- ريحة البنزين :p

‏ - ريحة المطر <3 font="font">

- ريحة السياره الوكالة <3 font="font">

-ريحة شكمان الوايت <3 font="font">

- ريحه المعسل <3 font="font" y="y">

- ريحة الحطب=D

- ريحة البويه :|

- ريحة المكيف اول ما يشتغل({})

العائلة_السعودية_التقليدية

الأم لما تبغى شي وهي تصلي تصفق وأنت عليك عملية اكتشاف المطلوب =D =))

العائلة_السعودية_التقليدية

تسألهم تبون شي من المطعم؟ يقولون:لا !لمايوصل الطلب وتبدا تسمي وتاكل يبدأ الزحف الصهيوني باتجاهك

عبارات في الجاهلية

2012-08-24T13:05:00.001-07:00

•دع الماضي يمضي وأحاديث

الناس تمضي...فهل سمعت

بشخص ربح سباقاً وهو ينظر خلفه؟؟

•لاتأسفوا على نقائكم ولا تحزنوا !!

إن لم يقدر أحد طيبتكم !!

ف العصافير تغرد كل يوم

ولا أحد يشكرها

‎العبارات التالية في أيام الجاهلية:

امنحه مناخه = عطه جوّه

ادعكها في محياي = امسحها بوجهي

كاسب الطير = "رابح صقر" ايام البيزنطة

تلك الفتاة منجنيق = هذي البنت صاروووخ

هل تؤيد الحبشة = هل تشجع الأتحاد؟

ذو الدرهمين = ابوريالين

أباعذاب لإعارة الدواب = ذيب لتأجير السيارات

اجمع ملامحك = لقط وجهك

ماعلاقة والدتك = شدخخل أُمّك

درهم الأندلس = ريال مدريد

غويلمة = بوية

أخرَجَ الصحة = زق العافية

تدّعي الخروج منها = مسوي طالع

بالإمكان النفي وبالإمكان الإجابة = يمقن ايه يمقن لأ

قل يالهذا المساء الطويل = ردد يالييييل مااطولك

تناول القش = كل تبن

على قيد الحياه على قيد الحياه

إلى الخلف إلى الخلف

إذهب

عاشوا عاشوا ،، ورا ورا ،، روّح

تمايل طرباً = تنكّس

جعلت له جناحين = ريّشت به

أبا رداء وإزار = ابوسروال وفنيلة

أتنطق بالزور أيها الجميل = تكذب يالبى؟

صاحبة المفصل الأسود في الساق = ام الركب السود

سوف انجلط ضاحكا = بموت من الضحك

اعرف زوجتك حسب اسمك

2012-08-24T12:59:00.001-07:00

كل زوجة ( سليمان) ثقيله

كل زوجة (احمد )على نياتها

كل زوجة (حسين) تدخل القلب

كل زوجة (عبداللَّـَـَـَـْـْہ) وسيعه صدر 

كل زوجة(عادل) حنونه وجميله

كل زوجة (حمد) ثقيلة دم

كل زوجة (ماجد) انيقه وحبيبه 

كل زوجة (مساعد) هي والطوفه واحد 

كل زوجة (سعود) غبيه 

كل زوجة ( سلطان) مالها خلق

كل زوجة (عبداللطيف) كريهه.

كل زوجة ( عبدالعزيز )وسواسيه

كل زوجة ( عبدالرحمن )ذربه 

كل زوجة (خالد )متذمره

كل زوجة (ناصر )اجتماعيه

كل زوجة (عبدالمحسن)مستخفه

كل زوجة (محمد)سنعه وصبوره

كل زوجه (راشد ) مجاهده

كل زوجة (عبدالمجيد) أم مثاليه

كل زوجة (زياد )هادية 

كل زوجة (بندر)رقيقه

كل زوجة (ابراهيم)حبوبه

كل زوجة (منصور)قويه

كل زوجة (سعيد)مدلعها زوجهأ 

كل زوجة ( فيصل )تحب الطبخ

كل زوجة ( يزيد) نكديه

كل زوجة (صالح) دقه قديمه

كل زوجة ( نايف)رشيقه

كل زوجة (بدر )مفهيه 

كل زوجة ( نواف) غيوره 

كل زوجة ( سامي )باردة 

كل زوجة ( ياسر ) جميله وحبوبه 

كل زوجة (فارس )ملسونه

كل زوجة (متعب) تعبانة

كل زوجة (عارف) ما تتعاشر

كل زوجة (وليد )دلووعه 

كل زوجه (يوسف)رومانسيه

كل زوجة (علي) لها الجنه

كل زوجة (رائد)ذكية 

كل زوجة (عمر) نحيسه وماترحم 

كل زوجة (عدنان)تبرد القلب وجميله 

كل زوجه (جاسم) خبيثه

كل زوجه (مبارك) بكايه

كل زوجه (سالم) السانها طويل

كل زوجه (سعد) هبله

كل زوجة (عيسى)متسلطه

كل زوجة (فهد ) تمووت بالأكل

و كل واحدة يبدا اسمها بالها سمينة.

BBM Madness

2012-08-24T12:34:00.002-07:00

Sparta anyone?‎

I noticed some crazy people on my BB list who I would like to highlight for today :)

1. Someone has written on his status "Sleeping" for the past 3 days now... This guy is probably dead.

2. Someone never sends anything, then at night she randomly broadcasts: "Good night everyone". Seriously, WTFF (What The F****ing F**k)

3. Someone has been sick since THE DAY i added him.... Habibi u need to go to a doctor pronto!!

4. Someone has been "Driving" for 3 days... I guess he's reached pakistan already.

5. Someone's status has been "happy" for the past month! I mean are you living in Disney land bitch!!?

B'Day

2012-08-24T11:59:00.000-07:00

20th March, 1988

(B'Day)

في مثل هذا اليوم جا بركة للشعب الشعب اسمه محمد آل سعدون. قد تم تصنيعه في بريطانيا و تركيبه في السعودية. ي...

‏‏‏‏انا يوم جيت للدنيا ماكان عندي خبر اني راح اجي. كنت لاهي، اتشقلب و امرح. اكل و اشرب. انام متا ما ابي و اصحا متا ما ابي. في مرة من المرات كنت جالس اكل و فجاة بدات اسمع اصوات فلبينيات و صوت حرمة تصارخ! و عشوايا ممرضة فليبنية بدات تقلب فيني، انا ما كنت ادري وش السالفة. من الروعة انواع الدموع تطير من عيوني و صراخ... و تشويت بعد. فجاة لفوني، اذا ما خاب ظني، بلحاف ابيض. والله ياهو كان دافي! حطوني في سرير بكفرات و الممرضة الفلبينية تفحط فيني بالسياب. كان انواع

الاستهبال، ما ناقصنا الا اغنية موضي و اغنية غرق الغرقان اكثر. بس شكله كان وقت صلاة.

عاد شوي تدخلني في غرفة كلها بزارين منسدحين. الله وياهم الممرضات، لان قلق البزارين بصياحهم و صراخهم. ما يخلون الواحد يعرف ينام. شوي الا دخلوني بغرفة فيها حرمة، حبيتها من اول نظرة. شالتني و انا بموت من الحيا. علا حظي جات الممرضة تصرخ عليها، قلت بس جات تخرب بيننا، و اخذتني منها... فسويت نفسي اصيح. حطتني بسرير توديني للازعاج مرة ثانية و جابتلي شي واشربه عشان تهدا اعصابي. الله يكرم النعمة! مو بس عليه طعم، و عاد نمت.

يوم قمت، شفتهم يقلبوني و يلفوني و ودوني لبيت الحرمة الي حبيتها من اول نظرة. طلعت هي امي، فاشترت لي مصاصة و عربية، ولله العربية وناسة. و هناك في البيت صراحة ابو الفلة: سهر، سواليف، اهلي مكشخين ٢٤ ساعة و انواع الضيوف. حريم، بنات، و اولاد بس يطلون يشوفون من ذا المزيون يا لبه قلبه. فكبرت و صار عندي لابتوب، و انا الحين كتبت لكم قصتي.

Comedy shows absurdity

2010-05-28T16:14:00.000-07:00

We’ve all been to comedy cafes, stand-up shows of our favorite artists. If not then you must’ve watched them on TV or DVD. You know how you make inside jokes with your friends but never bother to actually patent them or publicize it as a work of your own then suddenly see it on a show or hear someone else use it. Well that’s what I go through more often than you think. It is like how Ross on F.R.I.E.N.D.S. used to claim that he invented “Got milk?”. The first time I noticed this is while watching SNL (Saturday Night Live) when Drew Barrymore appeared on the news segment with floppy long boobs I F’N INVENTED THAT! A few years before they even came up with that sketch.

Even two months ago at a comedy show in Riyadh, I saw local comedians use jokes I came up with 4 years ago when I was 16. For instance women with veils, what are they hiding up there!? Or they look like aliens. Another joke they used was how would a guy pee at a urinal wearing a thobe (a thobe is the traditional Arabic clothes of the Mid-East Gulf region) I invented this when I was 14 at Fuddruckers. Also, one of my brother’s classic sarcasms when someone does something extremely lame: you’re so cool! Please add me on Facebook and be my friend!

Using people’s content is fine as long as you add to it or change most of it into your own version. Cause seriously, no one wants to end up like lousy comedians who use recycled jokes over and over.

Memoirs of a Headbanger: Iron & Titanium Edition \m/ A Novel of endeavors at a concert \m/

2010-03-07T07:33:00.000-08:00

This tradition started back in 2007 on a late Monday night, when my brother and I saw this ad on Mtv’s Head Banger’s Ball. Thus, it became an annual trip. Every March, we would travel to Dubai to attend the desert rock festival. The line-ups of bands kept getting better every year with greater excitement and louder music. Though this story happened in 2008.

As I boarded the plane, I heard this loud noise, it was my first time experiencing engine rumbling, oh no wait…that was just some guy farting.

I mean if there were a geologist near by with a seismograph, he would have been convinced that there was an earthquake going on. We were five friends riding economy; with one friend riding first class because it was the last seat available. The first class friend kept rubbing it in our faces that he was in luxury by telling us that he was being served seedless olives. As for us, We were so far behind in the plane, that we were literally last row and this close to holding on to the tail of the plane. And to make things worse, the continuous sound of the toilet flushing didn’t make our flight any more pleasant. We reached Dubai in an hour and ½.

We were staying at the Crowne Plaza, which meant more points for my loyalty card OH YEA! My brother Abz, friends and I only stayed there for 5 nights. On Thursday we went to Jumeirah private beach. It was a blast! But we could not Jet Ski do to high winds and big waves that day. As the sun was going down I stayed with Lil Moe and Rakan in the Jacuzzi while everyone else were passing rounds at the bar. We started joking around so they decided to play this silly game of who can hold their breath the longest. Drunk as I was, I immediately submerged myself under water. Little did I know they were tricking me! A few minutes passed by so I decided to open my eyes. To my surprise instead of seeing two pairs of white legs I saw a dozen pair of brown legs!! As I lifted my head from the water an Indian family stared me down as an intruder. I smiled and jumped out to find the little motherfuckers laughing their heads off at me. By that time everyone has left before us to Mall of Emirates to buy the concert tickets. To meet up with them I had to use a pay phone because I ran out of credits. Abz forgot his phone in a cab so we didn’t see him that whole night. The day started out well, but ended as a disaster. All in all, the next day was the concert!

The clock hit noon, and we were on our way to the festival. Surprisingly it had less people than last year, but of course so many teenagers and kids that it was impossible to differentiate between a guy and a girl because they all looked the same! They all had long hair, gothic makeup, optional mosquito bites “as in emerging mango boobs” or flat chested, and pimples. We were first row as usual. The line up for Friday which was metal night, consisted of killswitch engage, Korn, Machine Head, As I lay Dying, Prodigy, and others just to name a few. Waiting excitedly in the Cue, the press were filming people and taking pictures of fans for the tabloids. I couldn’t control myself so I dragged Superman with me to the first cameraman we saw. We jumped in with the group of people he was taking a photo of, he tried to explain something to us but we kept insisting “We are ready!” “We are ready, its ok!”. He took the photo obediently and we left satisfied. As I looked back I realized they were just a bunch of fans taking a photo by the giant banner. So that explains the expressions on the photographer’s face.

The venue was completely revamped. Also many distractions were available other than just varieties of food, beverage and fan merchandise stands. There were cranes that lifted dance floors into the sky, a cable swing, tents for relaxation, and tents that included consoles to play video games.

The smell this year was NASTY! You know when you walk into a pub and accidentally slip on freshly puked vomit, so you go back home to take a shower and find out your dog shat all over the lawn, and just when you thought you’ve smelt it all a homeless guy burps in your face. Well, the concert’s aroma was nothing like that!

Fans were squashing us against the bar so I had to really push back with all my strength, it was crazy, even the girls who endured this with us must’ve developed bicep muscles bigger than Pamela Anderson’s. As we waited with anticipation and excitement the first act of the day appeared on stage. It was killswitch Engage! The crowd went wild as the vocalist took the mic and the other members appeared side by side rocking it out. They played hit after hit. Then the lead singer came off the stage into the audience and I touched his hand! I was this close to being one of those girls who scream and lift their shirts off to flash their nipples!

Than this awful band took the scene. So Superman and I decided to get food and drinks for everyone while they stood their ground; this is what we like to call in concerts “saving place”. We literally tried everything! We first went to this crepe stand, and to my luck the vendor was Asian! Me “hi, what crepes do you have?” Vendor “excuse?” Me getting frustrated “what types of crepes do you offer?” Vendor “no…!?Mm hhh...no” Superman “ok! So do guys serve any kind of CRAP in this place!?” Vendor “ah yes!! We hab chocolate crap, cheese crap, banana, tunaaa” We laughed so hard; I sounded like a raped hyena.

It was so good, it was the best crap I’ve ever tasted in my life. I ate 3 on our journey of pigging out and killing time. We then moved to KFC, king Fahad Chicken you say? Wrong cause it was no other than Kentucky Fried Cruelty. I boycotted it years ago but ordered like half the restaurant for my group cause they wanted it. So the guy gave us coupons to win tickets to Akon’s concert, which was also happening that week. I scratched the first one, Superman scratched the second then we gave the third to this stranger who won! I was so upset!

After that I got corona and Smirnoff ice for myself while I got everyone else Heinekens (psst Budweiser is the best! Who’s with me!?) We head back to the crowd stuffed! It was much harder to struggle through with beverages in my hands so I started yelling to Superman “go on without me! ... Save yourself!” but we managed to pull through and meet up with our friends. To our advantage, there was a break going on between band performances while the stage was being reset. As my friends just finished their food, all of a sudden As I Lat Dying slid on stage! We went wild for two songs but when I jumped up for air it was like O2 where have you been all my life!

As the band wrapped it up, a new one came on called Machine Head We over-rocked Noticing how tired we were, the security guards started distributing water bottles, and the crowd became even wilder! We were like gorillas on cocaine.

Soon after that Korn came!! Throughout their songs The mosh pits were awesome. For those of you who don’t know what a mosh pit is, well it’s a swarm of people slamming into each other for the fun of it. I tried to sustain myself in one but it was no use. In half a minute I was shoved out falling to the ground. I was left alone and surrounded by raging Satanists and dykes. Unfortunately one of my friends Fuzz busted his nose, so we had to take him to the first aid trailer. When I just thought that was the end of our troubles, I find out that Abz lost his shoe in one of the mosh pits. So Fuzz and I went hunting for Abz’s shoe while he hopped on one foot to a safer location. The pyramids in Egypt were nothing in comparison to what we stumbled upon! We found mountains of shoes I feel sorry for the people with feet the size of my hand, may they rest in peace. We managed to bring back with us a pink puma and a flip-flop. By the time we reached him, he was back between the mosh pits looking for his shoe. We waited for 10 minutes and he emerged from the mass with proud scars of war; Vans, and Adidas prints all over his arm. He found his missing shoe being kicked around in the crowd.

As prodigy started, my gang ran away as if they were running from the Brits. I was left alone with my fellow Brits losing it to prodigy. I met this Indian girl called charlotte, and we went together to the cable swing. We were the only ones in the cue to rock out to Prodigy’s last hit of the night “Smack My Bitch Up”. The people around us must’ve thought we were hyped on energy drinks. I wanted to hook her up but the age difference was too much. She was 7 years older than me; I started to question myself if I had mommy issues like Ashton Kutcher. When I was finally up on the tower ironically Lil Moe’s words started ringing in my head! What timing! “What if it breaks…” “What if you die…” So I took a deep breath and jumped off the edge despite the horrible words echoing from Iron Maiden on stage “As I plunge on into certain death...”. The rush and view were amazing you can almost say a natural laxative if I were experiencing constipation. As I swung over the crowd I was heading towards the left side of the stage where I am supposed to land safely. Little did I know that there was this small clutter of metallic triangles that the hook of your harness slams into, to slow you down. The minute I hit it and heard a loud bang I thought this was it! I’m either a goner or by some miracle I flew to china. I landed safely, and temporarily deaf.

Saturday was rock day. I sounded like an alcoholic news reporter from the 1940’s much like that girl from the film Exorcist because of all the yelling I did the day before. We were all too tired to attend the entire concert so we planned to go at 7:00 pm just to catch Velvet Revolver and Muse. Unfortunately, traffic jams that night were hectic. So, we split up to look for taxis. After 30 minutes of running up and down the street I finally catch one, but I wasn’t alone. As easily as I spotted it, another woman to my left saw it too. We had a death stare that lasted a few seconds, which felt like forever. All that was missing was tumbleweed rolling between us. I took a cautious step, so did she. I took another step, so she took an even further one that made my conscious start yelling in my head “Run For Your Life!” I must’ve run faster than a Jew with a coupon. Surprisingly we both reached for the door at the same time! I wanted to push her but me being a gentleman and all I tried to negotiate with her. You think the bitch even gave it a second thought! After that, it took us another hour to find a taxi. Inevitably, by the time we reached the concert, we have missed Velvet Revolver’s performance and a chance to meet Slash. However we did manage to watch Muse play. Abz took a picture with the lead singer of the Ramones who supposable invented punk rock. You should’ve seen them they are so old and I think the drummer had an ivy and an oxygen mask while performing! They looked pretty pre-historic. We also had a friend who had his picture taken with the lead singer and guitarist of korn. We ended the night at TGI Friday’s, and we were off to Riyadh the next day.

Knowing us by now, there is no way we could have gotten things right for our flight back home. I wish things went smoothly and according to plan, but without a doubt we missed our flight, and caught a later one.

Little Red Riding Hood: the wolf’s perspective (raw and unheard)

2009-11-27T15:19:00.000-08:00

Note: author of this story is unknown; I received it as an email in Arabic and decided to translate it for you guys.

Deep in the forest, lived this nice good wolf. He never liked predatory behaviour, or eating meat. Therefore, he decided to become a vegetarian because meat was not an option. He survived by eating vegetables and herbs. However, he was not alone. There also was this evil girl who lived with her grandma in the woods. Her name was Little-Red-Riding-Hood.

She was out in the forest every day wreaking havoc, deracinating flowers and destroying grass that the wolf lived on. Also, she demolished the beauty of the forest, while the wolf tried badly to speak to her again and again to not repeat this bad behaviour. However, little miss evil ignored his advice and remained trampling the grass and deracinating flowers. So, after serious desperate attempts to convince her, he realized it was useless and decided to visit her grandma at her house to complain about her reckless habit.

When he went to the grandma's house and knocked on the door, she opened it with a serious look on her face. Evil must have run in the family because she immediately started beating him with her cane; attacking him for no reason. So out of fear, terror, and helplessness, the good wolf had to push her away from himself as self-defense. As a tragic result, she fell on the ground hitting her head on the edge of the bed, dying instantly. When he acknowledged what happened, he became very sad. It moved him so much that he cried in disbelief of his actions. He started thinking about poor Little Red on how she will have to live without her grandma, and the amount of heartache she will be going through. At these thoughts, he grieved and sobbed in agony.

After sulking for so long, he decided to hide the body of her grandma, take her clothes and disguise himself as the grandma to deceive Little Red with the intention of providing her the love and care she has just lost due to her grandma’s accidental death. Once she arrived home, he jumped in bed impersonating her grandma. Although, evil Little Red noticed immediately that her grandma's nose and ears were unusually large. Especially the moment she looked into his eyes, she realized it was the wolf. So, she opened the door and ran far away.

Since then evil Little Red never stopped exaggerating and spreading false rumours that the wolf was bad and that he devoured her grandma and tried to eat her too.

Well folks that just goes to show that there always is two sides to a story

Need for Speed: driving lessons 101

2009-10-31T14:18:00.001-07:00

We all remember our first time riding a bike, our first time walking in on our parents naked! and our first time driving. I remember sitting in my dad’s lap steering the car while he controlled the pedals, or bumper cars at some theme park.

Well let me tell you about the night I took my sister and cousin driving. I will highlight that Susu & Bruski are superb drivers.

(Oh yea I forgot to mention that Susu and Bruski had to dress up like guys, disguising themselves with hoodies and caps.)

As I took the passenger seat and my role as a sidekick, my sister Susu sat in the driver’s seat adjusting it. Susu “I am an excellent driver” “I always drive the cadi with my friends” (cadi is short for Cadillac) Me “ok then start the car and let’s take a spin around the neighborhood” she successfully starts the engine and takes the pedal to the metal. The car roars like a constipated lion. ”WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?” I shrieked, “You’re in N!” Susu “Ok, so how do I switch gears?” Me” press the breaks and pull the gear-stick to R” Susu ”Stop panicking!”

As we reverse slowly and gently out of the garage, I address her to turn right, while paying attention to the rear and side mirrors. We are ½ way through the driveway when I notice our dad’s car on our right. I immediately yell out “HIT THE BREAKS!” Susu “what?” Me “Hit the breaks woman! Just hit them” Susu struggles and before we know it SLAM! Into our dad’s brand new car. The bumper had evidence (stains of shameless vandalism and infidelity). We drive off despite a rough start. As Susu drives down the street, she turns left. So far so good. I constantly remind her to stay on the right side of the road, and keep telling her to check if a car is coming before entering a new street. We reach a local park in my neighborhood and see a family crossing the road! Me ”Susu there are people crossing the road” faster she goes “I can see them don’t worry” we get even closer, me “Susu that’s a family with a baby! Brakes damn it! Brakes!” Last minute she stomps on the breaks so hard that I ricochet from the dashboard to the car door and back into my seat. I look at her and yell “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?” Susu “In my defense I am wearing high heels, I usually drive the cadi in converse” what an excuse! She must be in denial cause in reality she sucks!

I get a call from lil Moe telling me that him and Bruski are at my place. On the way back I could have sworn a spirit of a dead drunk had possessed her body; she was literally not driving in a straight line. Me “Why are you driving like a maniac! Cant you stay in one lane!?” Susu ”No comment” and she blasts the music.

We reach home, and see both my cousins sitting over lil Moe’s car. We decide to switch. Bruski drives with me while Susu drives with Lil Moe. Susu is unaware that Lil Moe has a manual car. So once she entered she asked surprised “Why are there 3 pedals?” Lil Moe gave me a death stare of desperation then turned to her with a get-out-now hand motion stuttering “out out out!”. In the end she took control of the car.

Susu is a little taller than Bruski, well actually a lot taller. So Bruski tries to adjust the seat closer to the steering wheel, but does not know how. So she asks for my help. I push the button and the seat starts moving forward. I ask her “good enough for you?” Bruski “a little closer” I hold on to the button with an evil smirk! Bruski “enough thanks” I am still holding the button Bruski “Moe close enough!” she is centimeters away from the steering wheel & yells “MOE you’re squashing me!” Me “haha my goal exactly” but the honk didn’t go off as I thought it would. We take off, despite Susu and Lil Moe having a head start. We decide to stalk them. We dim the headlights and slowly follow them.

Me “this is code 162 and we are in pursuit of our primary suspect” Bruski “agent B here, lets go get some doughnuts” Me “11 o clock turn left” Bruski “roger that”

We find a guy with a corn trolley (similar to a hotdog stand) I didn’t realize what it is so I yelled to Bruski forgetting that my window’s open “oh look! It’s a trashcan with smoke coming out of it!” the look on his face, expressionless. Without either of us paying attention, they notice us get the drift and dash. Now we are on a real chase! We wouldn’t be able to catch them on time so we decide to take a shortcut and ambush them from the front. Me “hurry!” Bruski “ don’t rush me!” Me “come on we will lose them!” Bruski “stop yelling!” me “WOMAN STEP ON IT!”, she turned at such a high speed when I yelled that I was thrust onto her lap and my arm hit the indicator, the high lights, and the wind shield wipers all at the same time! Bruski, in a shocked state, stomps on the breaks coincidentally right in front of Susu and Lil Moe, they were shocked so they hit their high lights to see what the hell was going on, as they looked into our car they saw me lifting my head out of Bruski’s lap and her expression was priceless I can only imagine what went through there heads at that moment, but I really didn’t want to.

After that mix up we decide to race home…to be continued cause there is this other whole major part that happens later on that evening but I am too lazy to write some more.

Drunk Scale

2009-10-31T14:17:00.003-07:00

The state of being drunk is hard to indicate precisely because one person’s capacity of withholding liquor differs from one to the next. So here is a drunk chart that my cousin and I devised: (inspired by Tucker Max)

1. Tipsy:

Usually a glass and 1/2 of vodka does the trick. At this stage I feel numb, have less responsibilities, the world seems a bit more familiar, the magnetic gravity field starts to disappear around me. I want to try everything.

2. Happy Buzz:

I start acting more on impulses (doing things I wouldn’t usually do). I become a bit over excited and unreasonably happy about things, start smiling to everyone ridiculously as if I were in a toothpaste ad.

The tricky bit is you only get the happy buzz when you’re either down or at a normal stage, if your happy to begin with you probably wont get to this stage. From experience everything around me all of a sudden becomes beautiful not to the point where I would hook up with ugly women just to the point where my smile is bigger than the joker’s.

3. Denial Drunk:

I start acting like an idiot, laughing for no apparent reason and when friends around start pointing out that I am drunk I deny it. Not such a great stage but everyone goes through it, you drink to the point where you start loosing your balance and embarrassing yourself insisting you are not drunk.

4. Point of No Return:

At this point, there is no going back, I cant just put my foot down and say I am not drinking anymore, I am open to all suggestions and down for anything, in my case I fought off a couple bouncers that I was convinced were tickling me and dove down a flight of stairs, flashing people who don’t deserve it.

5. Wasted AKA shit faced “hammered”

Now if you keep drinking, you’ll get wasted, at this stage I start slurring, I cant see 100% I trip and fall a lot more often, and I’ll say or do pretty much anything that comes to my head, defiantly not a good state to be in for me and people around me. I become the entertainment of the night. Now at stage five I am easily convinced of anything, so I may as easily find myself at this stage, which means, I’ve gone on my own trip. The trip may vary from sitting in a corner and watching everyone, to making up dances and floating around a room.

6. Black out:

I wake up somewhere unfamiliar and can’t remember shit of the night before. Videos and photos streaming from everyone’s phones, trying to delete them before anyone notices. I become the popular topic of the day of doing public stunts of idiocracy.

7. Intoxicated:

Personally I never reached this stage, but almost did once.