Modern Feminist

Codes of conduct and my new influx of hate spam

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 20:34:00 -0400

By now, anyone who reads blogs with any sort of regularity has surely read this (Kathy Sierra's public statement about online harassment), this (the NY Times article) about this (the call for a blogging code of conduct), and maybe even this (a helpful overview of the situation from one of my favorite bloggers).

You've also probably heard, underneath the Virgina Tech cacophony, that the Duke rape case was thrown out last week due to a lack of evidence.

From the time that news broke, it took about an hour for the hate spam to start up here again.

(I hadn't posted anything new about it.)

I'm pretty sure most people, even my friends and colleagues, don't read this blog with any kind of regularity. I don't even blog regularly, mostly because I'm having an inward period and I don't feel like dissecting issues publicly just so people can argue about it. I'm busy, I've been sick, and honestly, I'm tired of defending a label ("feminist") that has always been common sense for me and represented a hope for equality across (if not an end to) all binaries, gendered or otherwise.

And maybe I've never come right out and said it: I quit blogging and videoblogging with the frequency I once maintained both here and elsewhere because I not only got random hateful comments about a year ago for saying videobloggers are a bunch of white men (which, in addition to still being overwhelmingly true, I continue to maintain is a fairly innocuous thing to say, even in anger - let's own our privilege and find ways to understand & use it to move forward towards a better, egalitarian world); for my supposed outburst, I got some of the most harmful, disgusting feedback from the so-called community I was addressing. Maybe that's to be expected, but I decided being vulnerable, as part of my message, wasn't really worth it after that.

I had open comments here - everywhere - until I couldn't take it anymore. I read january one's post contemplating a day of unmoderated feedback, and honestly thought it sounded masochistic. I welcome constructive criticism much like she does, but both in my past life as a weekly newspaper columnist (which came with weekly hate mail, usually from known parties with whom I had to interact in real life) and in my life today, I'm not really interested in being told I'm a "dyke with a tampon up my ass". That isn't criticism, nor is that reality. I have friends who don't agree with me on a variety of things (I even cohabit with some of them), but we maintain a level of respect for our backgrounds and experiences. When I occasionally have a friend who does not do those things, that friend may go by the wayside. Same should be true, in my opinion, for an open forum you have created where you and your viewpoints are being disrespected. People abusing your space? Keep them out. Pretty simple.

Do I - does anyone - want to spend time moderating comments? Hell no. But it comes with the territory. Sometimes the anonymous comments (which I never publish, as I say right there on the right) are particularly amusing, like this one that showed up in the middle of drafting this post:

Hello, can you talk about how women don't like dorky guys or nerds and instead go for the bad boys? It's sad when no one is attracted to you because you are a nice guy.

Yes, I suppose that is sad (albeit an errant assumption). But a lot of things are sad, sir.

I think it's sad that instead of addressing the violent nature of the rape culture in which we live, we cry foul when some young privileged men aren't better protected by the legal system. I think it's sad that we publicly disparage women who have to make difficult choices about the intersections of sex and money. I think it's sad - and sick - that we constantly question the legitimacy of rape charges when only 2-4% of rape reports are unfounded.

And it's personally sad that some of the worst comments I've received along the way have come from people I know: people who I see at conferences and pretend it never happened, people who think that spewing hatred on a listserv isn't destructive, people who don't seem to care if they disclose your personal information without consent. That's my name, dude, and I don't reveal it here for a reason. You know who I am? Bully for you (pun intended).

I don't suppose much will change. Haters will go on publishing personal information - from Kathy Sierra to the Duke lacrosse accuser - and we'll go on moderating comments. And we'll continue to lose valuable writers, videographers, and insight. A code of conduct won't do shit, in my opinion, and I wouldn't adopt it if a hierarchy of bloggers spits one out. Some brave women will continue to speak out and many of us will not. The risk remains too great, and the Duke case further cements that. I'm less afraid online than I am in public space, but I know that's not the case for many these days, and that too makes me sad.

But it's real.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This blog has been closed since this post was written. Some older videos of interest remain in their original locations:

Outfitted in Urban
Me & my HPV vaccine
It isn't a show
Social Potlucks
Dating 2.0

You can also visit my personal website for information about upcoming and ongoing projects, possibly or maybe not at all related to the feminist struggle.

Outfitted in urban

Thu, 5 Apr 2007 02:57:00 -0400

My pal Becks and I like to sit in public and talk. We live and work on opposite sides of town, so we meet where we can. The other night, we taped it.

Topics include:
comparison of our hairy legs
first hollas/harassment encounters
my mutant centipede phobia
gaining weight on purpose
slobbery first kisses
social autism

This is very nice

videobloggingweek2007

Me & my HPV vaccine

Tue, 27 Mar 2007 18:01:00 -0400

I got some lady cancer protection, and I didn't even have to get an arm shot. Yee-haw.

For more info on Gardasil, the HPV vaccine, you can visit these links or chat with your doctor about your options.

Me & my HPV vaccine

Learning to love more, period.

Mon, 19 Feb 2007 01:35:00 -0500

Everyone I know has a love/hate relationship with technology and the internets. It's not that I don't have information that I feel is necessary to disseminate, and it isn't that I don't have the extra twenty minutes a day it would take me to throw up a few stories I've come across that I hope my small audience would read. It's that I, in many ways, on an obviously smaller scale, relate to this account of a well known feminist blogger's hurdles. In fact, I'm pretty shaken up about how much of this seems to ring true in my own life and has now for a number of years, weaving in and out of work I've been doing most of my adulthood.

I have other things to do besides worry about some unknown audience and filter through the hate mail and spam. When I talk to the men in my life about street harassment, they never cease to be shocked (though neither do a lot of women who don't live the same experiences that my friends/allies and I seem to have far too often). The same has always been true when I speak about the prevalence of sexual violence - something else I'm not going to stop talking about because it's real and wrong, and especially since the two are so related. And again, when I talk about the hate mail I get, I get the same bewildered stares. People wouldn't really do that, would they? You fucking bet they do.

So while I may not have much to add, Amanda Marcotte's article will hopefully continue to raise awareness about power dynamics that exist online and the ways people feel cornered and shut down. A well-known feminist blogger once told me that if I'm getting hate mail, I'm doing something right, and yet I can't think of anything more off base. I want to work in a movement of cooperation and alliances, and alienating people and pissing them off doesn't tend to solve a single goddamn problem. So until I'm in a better space to make my message more effective without feeling personally vulnerable, I'll be - as I've been - working elsewhere, on the ground, with people in real time. I seem to be better at that anyway.

Lonely at the top?

Wed, 7 Feb 2007 18:49:00 -0500

A good friend of mine always says we're not alone, even when we feel like it. I guess that seems to relate to the recent interviews Ruth Bader Ginsburg has given, saying she misses Sandra Day O'Connor. I don't like being the only woman in the room, either.

Take anything you want

Tue, 23 Jan 2007 16:40:00 -0500

This seemed really important to post for a variety of reasons. Talk amongst yourselves.

It isn't a show

Thu, 14 Dec 2006 19:05:00 -0500

Notta show

Social Potlucks

Wed, 1 Nov 2006 03:06:00 -0500

Relationship metaphors from B and Hilaroar 2.0.

Social Potlucks

Runtime 8:17

Supporting our allies

Tue, 10 Oct 2006 20:39:00 -0400

Have Money Will Vlog is a community-based videoblogging fundraising site for vlog projects like this month's venture from Maria Gomez, the Colombia Migration Project. But, $500 is still needed for Maria's trip expenses and editing time, and there are only have six days left to help fund this awesome project. So, despite not really being in video mode lately, I made a short piece to talk about why diverse voices are needed in the videoblogging community and how stories like the ones Maria hopes to tell will enrich our conversation.

Click for Quicktime movie

Runtime 2:10

Click watch Maria's original promo video for HMWV

Dating 2.0

Fri, 15 Sep 2006 13:58:00 -0400

Web 2.0 is weird. So is dating 2.0. Killer B and Hilaroar 2.0 (yes, her real nickname) explain.

Click for Dating 2.0

Runtime: 3:10

We have some problems. But we have some hope.

Mon, 4 Sep 2006 12:40:00 -0400

Women too often claim issues as our own, so the title is not meant to imply the usual self-deprecation and punishment we dole out upon ourselves and others. Instead, it refers to some things that have been going on the past few weeks that we need to address and the optimism I'm nevertheless feeling. Luckily, many people are feeling it too.

I used to have an argument (the same one, repeatedly) with a former partner about whether or not we must take action against social problems. He believed that by not hurting our world, you were making a difference. I raged, regularly, that ignoring issues created a permissive, sick culture full of apathetic citizens for whom there is no accountability. I also don't buy the "I don't do anything harmful" argument. Not a single thing? Please.

So, after a few weeks of fun (more like a whole summer of non-stop partying - which mind you, includes hot and safe activism & alliance-building), I'm back for a while. Justice doesn't sleep, so why should I? I certainly haven't been doing much of that in my real life anyway. The emails and comments and overall support for my break and frustration was lovely and tremendous and makes me feel stronger about a lot of things. Thank you to everyone who understands the need for private space and personal distance. I've been doing a lot of practical living, research, and pretty much have amazing conversations at least once a day with allies, co-workers, and friends about important issues; why not have a few here as well?

While I'm catching up, here are a few things to pass along -

Recently:

New evidence revealed in the Duke rape case

People have a commitment to stand behind survivors. Of course, whether they do that or not is an entirely different matter. But instead of arguing about who said what or whether she has a motive to lie, I'm going to offer a couple of online resources I have found helpful in my journey. There are some remarkable women who do fight back, even when people don't believe them, and they inspire far more of us than they could know. Most of these resources are listed on the sidebar, but I'm dealing specifically with a couple of them right now. As I spent some time on their sites again, I realized the power of acceptance and healing. It sort of caused my own loss for words, so I encourage you to read their work when you are ready to do so. Much of it is both painful and encouraging, and all of it is real and important. Take care of yourselves as you need to when reading.

Femivist: Surviving Sexual Assault

Angela Shelton's Survivor Manual

Survivors Can Thrive

Other articles of some note:

Gloria Steinem in the NY Times Magazine yesterday

Also yesterday from the same place, an article about the state of women in film

An though a few days old, one of the first major pieces about the FDA's approval for Plan B OTC. Sweet.

And finally, Manliness:

Harvey Mansfield's new book is about as appalling and strange as anything I've seen lately. His commentary about women is even more shocking (or is it?). HollaBackTALK will be analyzing his latest interviews and the book in depth for Wednesday, so stay tuned for that.

PS - Great marketing, jerk. Mansfield isn't even his real name.

BlogHer Rant

Sat, 5 Aug 2006 14:14:00 -0400

I'm just so frustrated right now, I'm not sure what to even do.

BlogHer was amazing and energizing but also wiped me out. I'm struggling to catch up. Stunning people I met or were inspired by who I have somehow neglected to note until now (and yes, this is still an imperfect list):

ae @ arse poetica
Liz at badgerbag (among many other sites she runs)
Susie Bright (Yes, really)
Suzanne from Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS) and other rants
Shuna from Eggbeater (food is political, people, and Shuna's insight knocked me down several times over the two days)
SJ - I, Asshole
Carrie from Lone Star Democracy and NOW Texas
Sheri and Amy from mamazine
Carmen from Mixed Media Watch/Addicted to Race (New Demographic)

I made a video rant about this...and now I've decided not to post it. Here's what it basically said. I'm better in text, and I'm decidedly sick of being misunderstood in video.

I started videoblogging after a devastating period in my life. Utter devastation. Did not work. Did not eat. Cried for at least three months, almost nonstop. Moved across the country. Alone. Was alone for months. Not a pity party, just an honest statement of where I was within this past year. And then I started to get back on my feet. As a grad student in a video/new media program, which is kind of a joke, I thought, "Hey, videoblogging! That's pretty cool. I can document what I do and maybe that will help put it into perspective." Maybe, I thought, I can teach myself to edit and do something fun while I'm stuck at home, still sort of trying to deal with life. So I started up. And since then, I've made shit hit the fan and gotten really sick of this "community" of people who, well, are sometimes nice, sometimes as catty as they come.

Okay, actually, I didn't say much of this in the video, but that's not the point.

I'm exhausted right now after a really great conference, and I don't feel like I can ever catch up on work. I can't spend all day reading blogs. I have books that need examination, I need to go to the grocery, and I need to take a shower. I have to work on HollaBackBoston. And I need to not let this junk and the cyborgs behind it bring me down (relax, I'm a cyborg too - we all are). So I think I may be off the map for a while. Who cares if I post my life on the Internet? If I'm going to be attacked, I'm not really interested. I've grown so much this year it's indescribable, and I'm not going to defend a difficult process that's brought me to this moment. I can never blog about everything that upsets me. I can never redirect people to enough articles. I can't even finish my own half of the time. So I will go write. And take walks. And not be here. It's my space - I created it - and I don't even feel welcome half the time. So until I have the energy to reclaim what is mine, I'll be elsewhere.

Christina Aguilera wants male protection

Fri, 21 Jul 2006 10:06:00 -0400

First of all, I don't pay a lot of attention to pop stars. Usually, I find their behavior destructive for young women's self esteem - at best. The ones I do monitor are usually ones like Christina Aguilera, who publicly have some guts and aren't afraid to talk about being strong and independent as the awesome traits that they are. So I was clearly a bit miffed to read that in a new interview with Billboard magazine, Aguilera offered these thoughts about her wedding last year:

I just realized it would be really nice to have that male protector in your life, to have felt that your entire life, and to have that one person give you away to the next man that's going to take care of you.

I'm all for tradition, but not the ones where women become commodities, sold off for dowries or to other men who are then able to use them any way they see fit. I know we can talk all about day about reclaiming traditions for ourselves, but sometimes that's just a bunch of crap. I hate when women don't know the historical implications for their romanticized notions of modern patriarchy and just blindly buy into it.

Tags: Christina Aguilera, wedding, patriarchy, Feminism

Bush touches German chancellor

Wed, 19 Jul 2006 10:13:00 -0400

Um, what part of personal space does Dubya not understand? At the G8 summit (and as one more unfortunate but somewhat unsurprising parts of his disasterous trip), Bush came up behind a shocked Chancellor Angela Merkel and gave her a backrub. Does she look happy?

Crooks and Liars has the video
Alternet has some great commentary.

Tags: Bush, Politics, massage, G8

But ladies, don't you know anger isn't becoming...

Wed, 7 Jun 2006 21:39:00 -0400

Anger isn't becoming what?

Women aren't supposed to get mad. But guess what? Many are, and rightfully so. I just read a fantastic post by Den of the Biting Beaver that hits the patriarchal nail on the head. BB and Dubhe point out that men don't stand up against sexism often enough yet get angry with women who generalize men. But why wouldn't you generalize if men don't set themselves apart?

If you're not going to take action to make sure we know you're different from the rapists and the rape apologists or even from those three men in that alley with that knife, I don't want to fucking hear how horrible and nasty and mean I am for saying "men" instead of "some men but certainly no man reading this post". I don't want to hear a fucking word about how disgustingly, pitifully bitter I am for not trusting you soon enough, which for you is "just before I come into her line of sight, because I'm a man and she owes me that trust".

If you're not out there trying to fucking FIX this culture, where a $14/hr attourney could just stand up and say "Ladies and gentlemen of the juries, she wanted to be fucked that night by those men in that alley with that knife. I mean, she's a woman, isn't she? Defense rests!" and make the jury go "Oh, hmm, yes, reasonable doubt, reasonable doubt, very reasonable, not guilty", then you can fuck off. I don't trust you, I won't ever trust you until you do. And no woman should be expected to. No woman should have to. Because we have no way to know you're not like them.

Go read the whole post here.

This isn't Good-bye

Tue, 30 May 2006 23:44:00 -0400

Tonight I went to one of my favorite blogs, Femivist, because I knew the writer had taken some time away and hoped to be back soon. Instead of a new post, I found a closed site with this note:

Hi Friends,

I have made a difficult decision. I am going to stop updating this blog. I plan to leave it up as a resource in hopes that it might bring hope and healing to others. Writing and maintaining this blog has certainly brought hope and healing to me.

I began blogging in January. Five months later I can say that this experience has been a wonderful one. I have found fellow activists all over the world. I have connected with survivors all over the world. I am honored to have been influenced by each and every one of you.

In many ways I am turning a new page in my life story. The past five months have been necessary for me. I needed a space to test out my voice. I needed the safety of blogging, the safety of deleting hurtful comments, the safety of using my laptop to begin to express emotions, philosophies and questions that had been stirring inside of me for years. I used this blog as a platform to establish a safe place for myself and my readers. A place where survivors could tell their stories and find people who would say: "I believe you. I'm sorry. I've been there too." I am overwhelmed by those of you who have come forward to share and support. I cannot thank you enough.

You all have given me the courage to be myself. Knowing that there is a community of people out there who are like me is the best gift I could have ever gotten. And now, with that strength, I am ready to once again pick myself up off the floor and continue fighting. I know that in some ways blogging is a tool to fight the patriarchy, but I want to be out and about in my community. Living & enjoying life while staying true to my activism ideals.

So, it is with great love and admiration for all of you that I walk away from this community. I might drop back in from time to time. I am of course always available by email. And if I find myself on the floor again, I will know where to turn. But for now, my fingers are tired of doing the talking.

Thank you for allowing me to grow. You have each played a pivotal role in my development as a person and as a survivor of sexual violence. I truly hope we win our war one day. And I believe we will. I'll keep playing my part. I trust each of you will as well.

If you are finding this blog for the first time, welcome. This is a safe place. Please treat it as such. I believe you. And I believe in you. Feminism is nothing without activism propelling it forward. Don't get bogged down in the inner battles. Don't allow yourself to become discouraged. Don't forget to laugh.

Remember there is beauty all around. There is reason to smile.

Much love,

Lauren

I can't express how much Lauren's writing has meant to me in only the short time I've been reading her site. She is a strong, brave woman, and she is a survivor. Her work touched a lot of people in a very short period of time, and I was part of that group. I wish her nothing but the best and hope she knows that many of us are still out here, surviving together in spirit if not in words.

Children killed during domestic dispute

Tue, 16 May 2006 11:41:00 -0400

And we wonder why abused women don't leave, even when children are involved.

Patricia Saunders was stabbed Saturday during an argument with her husband, Clarence Saunders, who is also believed to have shot their two children. After shooting the childre, Saunders turned the gun on himself. Relatives believe Patricia Saunders was trying to leave the relationship to save her children.

So, I guess the point is that women do try to leave sometimes. But this can be the result.

Technorati tags: women, Crime

Duke lacrosse team's co-captain indicted

Mon, 15 May 2006 17:42:00 -0400

David Evans, the Duke lacrosse team's co-captain, is now the third player indicted in the controversial case.

Evans has been charged with first-degree forcible rape, first-degree sexual offense and first degree kidnapping. Since the defense keeps bringing up the survivor's irrelevant personal history, it seems more than fair to point out that 23-year-old Evans, like his charged teammates, also has a criminal record. Evans has been identified by the accuser in a photo lineup, where she said she believed he was one of her assailants "with 90% certainty." She said she would have been 100% certain if Evans has a mustache, something his attorney claims he has never had.

Evans graduated on Sunday. Today, his mother, Rae Evans, the chairwoman of the Ladies Professional Golf Association board of directors, stood by him. That's great, but somehow, I'm guessing Ms. Evans would have liked a different Mother's Day gift, like, oh, her son not being taken in for violent crimes.

Technorati tags: duke, duke lacrosse, Duke University, feminist, Feminism, women

Grit & Wit clothing

Thu, 11 May 2006 13:15:00 -0400

Check out this awesome website, Grit & Wit, and support an independent artist with a conscience!

Our next president

Technorati tags: feminist, Feminism, women, girl

Real men eat at Burger King!

Tue, 9 May 2006 21:17:00 -0400

Thanks to Luke at real men are not for this awesomely weird video. I can't even begin to descibe everything that's wrong with this one...

See Shrub.com's full and awesome analysis.

Technorati tags: real men, Burger King, feminism, gender

Jacob Zuma cleared of rape charges

Mon, 8 May 2006 09:37:00 -0400

Former South African Deputy President Jacob Zuma was cleared of rape charges only minutes ago. Mr. Zuma was charged with assaulting an HIV-positive female family friend, who the judge claimed "was inclined to accuse men of raping her or attempting to rape her."

This case is a blow to women's rights in South Africa, as well as the campaign to end the spread of HIV/AIDS. Mr. Zuma has publicly said he showered after sex and believed it would be difficult for a healthy man to contract the virus from a woman.

Read the BBC report.

Technorati tags: sexual assault, Rape, women, sexual politics, women's rights, Politics, South Africa, Jacob Zuma, AIDS, HIV, HIV-AIDS

Stupid Girl

Sat, 6 May 2006 18:29:00 -0400

Is this good - pointing out serious problems with modern society - or bad - women hating other women - ?

Maria Hinojosa

Wed, 12 Apr 2006 13:34:00 -0400

Originally posted April 1, 2006

Maria Hinojosa: WAM - Women Action & Media Conference
Cambridge, MA, USA
March 31, 2006

Click here for Quicktime movie

Runtime is 2:54

Technorati tags: women, media, maria hinojosa