Modern Poly

Heads up - Changes in the Modern Poly Team

Jessica K — Tue, 27 Nov 2012 18:50:41 +0000

One of our founding members is going on tour.

We announce that Mai Li, one of our founding members, is beginning a leave of absence. Mai Li has overseen editing of the ModernPoly e-zine since its creation in 2009, and represented our team at 3 national poly conferences (Poly Living Philadelphia and Seattle in 2010, and Atlanta Poly Weekend in 2011) during her work here. Mai Li is also a working musician, and she's stepping back to prepare for her first national tour from January until March. We hope you'll join us in congratulating & supporting her in this big step for her music career!

Meanwhile, our voice-of-the-movement online magazine - a hub for writers from a variety of backgrounds - is a project we are dedicated to continuing at the level of quality our supporters, readers, and fans have come to expect. We have recently brought on a new team of editors to help increase our productive flow, and to make it easier for our volunteers to balance their personal lives and their passion for advocacy. The editors' team will be handling Mai Li's editorial duties in her absence. Please join us in welcoming our new editorial team: Aeryn, Alan, Evergreene, & Christine!

The wonderfully diverse Jess, our tech guru and original founding member, is acting as our managing editor (handling new writers and coordinating our editors and publishing schedule) in Mai Li's absence.

We continue to seek writers, editors, and other movers and shakers to support the polyamory movement and ModernPoly's mission. If you are interested in writing for us, check out our guidelines and fill out our application for new writers. If you are interested in joining the editors' team (or volunteering in another capacity), contact us through our volunteer form.

Love (infinitely),
The ModernPoly Team
<83

Categories:

News

Tags:

polyamory, poly, mai li, activism, music

Polyamory: When to use your veto rights

Tracey Daniel — Tue, 27 Nov 2012 09:13:27 +0000

Fight by mzacha

http://mrg.bz/ynkIUa

Veto power is a controversial relationship mechanic that many polys use to keep a situation from becoming so bad it would mean ending the relationship with their partner. Among polys who use veto power, the discussion of how to use it, when, and how to frame that is broad and varied. From the East Coast, Tracey brings us her spin on veto power-- what it is, how to use it, and how it should work.

Some polyamorous couples have a rule to veto any of their primaries secondary relationships. What is a veto right? The mechanics of the rule is going to be different in each relationship. There are some agreements where one can veto and not give a reason. There are also others that require some justification behind the veto. I prefer the later.

In my relationship we support healthy reasons to veto. Superficial reasons such as she/he is more attractive than me, do not fly. In fact, I encourage my mate to find females that I find attractive. I want him to feel mighty with a drop dead gorgeous woman on his arm. It gives me a sense of pride to see my man with a hot lady.

Below are some valid reasons to a veto your partner’s relationships:

Person engages in unsafe/unhealthy activities. For example, when a person has a drug use problem. I think everyone has a story or knows someone that has a story about a partner that has an addiction. Although everyone wants to help someone in need, that person’s addiction could have bad repercussions on your other relationships. Once they are clean and cleared to be in relationships one can revisit if necessary.
Person has unsafe sexual practices. These things need to be discussed, with all the STD/STI’s that are out there, why put yourself at risk. Everyone your partner is sleeping with you are sleeping with them as well.
One has a problem with their role. When adding another partner that wants to be more in your life than what can be currently offered that can cause a problem. Relationships evolve and over time things may work out to be more. Potential partners need to know that there is a balance.
Not excepting of a non monogamous relationships. This goes without saying but I have heard many stories of monogamous partners in a poly relationship whom believe they could deal. But as time went by they wanted a more monogamous feel to the relationship. These things can cause issues between all parties involved.

Always end a veto with a conversation with your partner. Find out the things that attracted them to the person you want to veto. Remember it is not always necessary to be best friends with your mates partners. If the person is rubbing you the wrong way discuss it with your partner. Remember a veto is telling your mate they cannot be with that person anymore. This can lead to some serious issues of resentment and loneliness for your partner. Be prepared for them to grieve over that relationship. Be available for your partner. Remember how you felt after a breakup.

Veto is a very powerful tool in a relationship. Use your power wisely. Remember your partner can veto one of your lovers as well. Do not take your power lightly. Use veto as a last resort and work on your conflict resolutions skills. Ultimately we all want our partners to be in happy healthy relationships with their lovers.

Categories:

Advice

Tags:

poly, secondary, primary, veto rights

Find Yourself In The Book Forget Yourself

Amy Shiner — Fri, 23 Nov 2012 16:37:17 +0000

Recently I read Forget Yourself by Redfern Jon Barrett. Although I do not have much experience in dystopian fiction - my interest lies with books such as Hunger Games and the movie Real Steel - this book stands out to be written for the masses and could be taken as something that could potentially happen. Like any epic tale, the plot-line is always making the reader second guess. It was only on the last few pages that I truly understood what really happened. Based in a setting that resembles 1984 and steampunk, we are taken into a prison community where every character is there due to a “crime” that has been committed in a past life, and characters are separated by how severe the crime is. The prison-run society has similarities to a communist country within a hierarchy.

The story starts with the main character, Blondee, who is introduced as an outcast even in this criminal-focused society. Throughout the introduction we see how bonds develop, the post-war way of life, and oral history, which creates a steam punk atmosphere in the future. Blondee, who spends a good chunk of the book getting over her lost partner Ketamine, is one of the few polyarmous individuals in a monogamous society who is trying to find personal acceptance. Throughout this search she develops close bonds with her neighbor Burberry and with her friend Frederick. At the same time Blondee has an inner-conflict between trying to accept what her society offers for guidance - in the shape of a book with “memories” from members in the society - and memories that haunt her from her past life. She continuously struggles with wanting to make changes and being told that, as in any good communist society, the society needs to work towards the best for the community as a whole. Through this process of chasing memories, Blondee develops as both the heroine and the antagonist. The turning point in the plot takes us to what Blondee perceives as the right way of living and changes the course of events for society. We see what the benefits are from living under one extreme with strict communist rules and living in a prison type atmosphere and what can go wrong when society is focused on materialism only.

Blondee embodies a polyamorous female in the middle of the story. In Forget Yourself, polyamory is seen as a minority community in a wider monogamous atmosphere. The book shines a positive light on the polyamorous lifestyle when religion is not involved as a reason. One of the better things about Forget Yourself is that religion is never introduced in the book. Although polyamory relationships have been represented in more than one television series most series have a religious backing. Barrett beautifully describes society in a way, which leads the reader to believe it’s non-theistic.

Group relationships are not explicitly introduced to the reader. This breaks through the stereotypical stronghold that polyamory relationships are always a group relationship despite separate sexual dynamics. In most popular media depictions of polyamory - both on talk shows and television series - the belief that every individual is involved with each other partners is prevalent. Focusing on individual relationships adds strength to the story by allowing conflicts between peers and society to show what it is really like being a minority in a monogamous society. Each relationship has it’s own dynamic, and is represented as separate entities, allowing the story to move along smoothly.

There is something left to be desired in some of the points concerning morals and ethics. Although some of the relationships - mostly with Blondee - show what a nurturing relationship can be, the perception of who matters in a poly relationship is noticibly avoided in the stories. The main characters’ relationships are focused on the most and how the dynamic changes throughout the book. The character goes from monogamy, polyamory, and back to monogamy. While most of the book shows the benefits of poly, there is a focus on the hurt and pain between Blondee’s partner’s partners without mention on how to ensure all participants are being heard and loved. If one was to follow the book’s way of dealing with pain and neglect in the relationship, we would be breaking up with our present partners continuously when a new partner is added.

Forget Yourself is truly one of the few stories that I have read which ties post-war and present day struggles with polyamory being accepted into mainstream. Although, I would not use Forget Yourself as a prime example of what poly should be, it does illustrate some of the major concepts that can be seen in any functional poly relationship. There is a turn at every corner - which will make the reader wanting to read on just to get a better grasp at the plot - and although some of the subplots are drawn out it is a book I’d suggest to readers.

Interested in reading the book? Check it out here! http://www.amazon.com/Forget-Yourself-ebook/dp/B0092RXYLO/ref=sr_1_1?ie=...

Tags:

polyamory, poly, Forget Yourself, Redfern Jon Barrett, dystopia

Categories:

Reviews

Ask RaeRay #7: Don't Put The Cart Before The Unicorn

RaeRay — Tue, 23 Oct 2012 18:01:38 +0000

Unicorn Statue by Animakitty

http://www.flickr.com/photos/animakitty/654462982/sizes/l/

In this issue of Ask RaeRay, a couple asks about the disdain for "unicorn hunters," a derogatory term in many poly scenes. RaeRay gives their take, along with some touchpoints to consider if you are in fact a MF couple looking for a 3rd partner.

Hey RaeRay,

So, I'm currently involved in a polyfidelitous ffm triad. While I see that there are some potential problems with "unicorn hunters," I find the universal disdain towards them rather offensive. My wife and I began as "unicorn hunters:" we were both more interested in finding a woman, and we preferred a woman who wanted to date both of us rather than just one. We were respectful throughout the process, and I found a girl that we've since really fallen for.

Is our lifestyle so wrong?

Hunting Unicorns is a Magical Process

Hey there HUMP,
Before I get to your specific question, I'd first like to address your tone. It sounds like you are already on the defensive with this question. I’m not here to validate or demonize you; I'm here to advise. On that score, I'd encourage you not to take criticisms of "unicorn hunting" as a personal affronts to you or your wife. You may wrongly identify folks' expressed concerns about "unicorn hunters" as disdain. What is more likely to be at play is skepticism & perhaps even association with past trauma at the hands of couples perceived to be “unicorn hunters”.

“Unicorn hunter(s)” is a term used in many places and ways across the polyverse. For the purposes of this column the term “unicorn hunter(s)” will mean the following:

A couple whose participants (usually a straight man and a bi/curious woman), in search of a third female partner, refuse to acknowledge any or all of the following:

1) The complex, intimidating, & extremely gendered power dynamics that can (and probably will) be involved for a person entering two new relationships simultaneously, both of which may be adversely by affected the pre-existing relationship;

2) The humanity, agency & needs/want/feelings/desires of the woman they're pursuing;

3) The fact that their own expectations correspond to a small subset of the poly population and that those expectations, if inflexible, are unlikely to be met by those they choose to pursue.

The "hunting" part of the moniker usually directly describes the objectifying or predatory nature with which such couples tend to approach potential thirds. (The term “third” is used here as shorthand to facilitate comprehension. It is not the right title for everybody in, or being asked to enter into, (a) three-person relationship(s).) Make no mistake, the practice of approaching women as if they were objects is not groundbreaking or sexually progressive. It deserves whatever amount of disdain it gets because it plays into misogynist fantasies of women being nothing more than status symbols. The skepticism many express about the intentions of those seeking an ffm relationship arrangement is subject to the same kind of skepticism expressed about those who seek out relationships with significantly younger partners.

Despite these potential pitfalls, ethical third-seeking couples do indeed exist. Now, I hope you are wondering if you fall into the happy category of “ethical couple”. Unfortunately, I’m not sure that you do... mostly because I have no idea what being "respectful throughout the process" of searching for a third looks like for you. Here is what a what being “respectful throughout the process” would look like to me:

Step 1: First, forget right and wrong. Work from empathy.

Put yourself in the place of your potential or current third. From the perspective of a potential third, the situation you are being invited into involves two people with a pre-existing relationship. You are also being asked to enter into two different relationships. You might be feeling overwhelmed or intimidated. In order to proceed into these new relationships you'll need to have your feelings, comfort levels, and consent regularly confirmed and affirmed. Ideally all of these things are present & even implicit in a marriage or pre-existing relationship. This privileges that relationship over the fledgeling relationships you are being offered.

You and your wife need to approach all your potential thirds with this level of empathy, and a flexible willingness to stabilize your third's well being at any time. In the beginning they will be a guest in your relationship. Be gracious & compassionate hosts.

Step 2: After you have properly empathized with your potential third, work from practicality.

Bring together what you know about yourself, your wife & what you have learned from your empathetic inquiry about the new person. Based on that information, begin creating a model for what might work between the three of you. Take heed to the “unicorn hunting” fears and horror stories you have been hearing. Ask yourself what you can do to avoid those outcomes.

I’m also curious about this specific “girl” you mention. Make sure you go all the way through step one― see her as a person before you approach her as a “girl”. Have you discussed relationship with her? What are her feelings & thoughts about this? If you don’t know yet, don’t start planning a relationship with her (it will be creepy). If she wants to proceed into this triad she will need to be present and have her choices front and center during all planning activities.

I don't know for sure if you're doing it wrong, but based on your defensive you-focused question it's plausible you aren't doing it right. This “problem” you're experiencing isn't a problem for anyone expect male/female couples looking for a female partner. From what little information your letter gives me about your ethics, their suspicions could be well-founded. It's a problem of privilege and selective tastes; not everyone will get or respect what you are into. People will be suspicious, and rightly so.

Stop concentrating on what people who you don't want to be in relationships with think is right or wrong. Concentrate on what the potential third says is right for her. That's what should matter more to you anyway, right?

Yours,
RaeRay

Questions about your polyamorous relationship? Write to RaeRay here: RaeRay@modernpoly.com

Categories:

Advice

Tags:

Ask RaeRay, advice, poly, polyamory, relationships, third, potential third, unicorn, Unicorn Hunters, triad, stigma, negotiation, empathy

A Guide to Introverted Polys, Featuring Pie

Avie Saenz — Mon, 22 Oct 2012 19:24:09 +0000

Long Slice of Pie Ala Mode by cobalt123

http://www.flickr.com/photos/cobalt/175194824/in/photostream/

What do pies have to do with introverts? Or extroverts, or relationships, for that matter, besides beinging people together over irresistable tasty goodness and awful nerd puns? Avie shows us that in a fast-paced, highly scheduled poly universe, how we keep our and serve our pies as ourselves is key to making sure everyone gets a piece.

When I think of what polyamory looks like, I often find myself thinking of some of my friends with more active social lives and big family lives. I think of outgoing characters like the Poly Man Whore who regularly details in his blog how he schedules his varying social relations, platonic, sexual, and romantic. When I think of how to meet other polyamorous people face to face, I often think of Meetups or poly friendly swingers clubs.

But for the most part, the polyamory I actually experience day to day, and the close poly friends and relationships I have do not find each other at the bar or with intensely scheduled lifestyles; they're people like myself who prefer the quiet glow of the internet or time alone with a book or music to loud parties. Most of the time, anyway.

Polyamory can take many forms; one of which is through the lens of introversion.

An introvert like myself centers by focusing internally. That said, introverts tend to be reserved and less sociable than extroverts. Extroverts, on the other hand, tend to orient themselves in the world relative to other people. They gain energy and ideas from interaction, rather than internalizing as the introvert does. Polyamory, being the maintenance of plural intimate relationships, almost sounds like it goes hand in hand with extroversion – like one big happy network of people who love each other openly and sociably. Nonetheless, many poly people are indeed introverted.

If polyamory is about communication and openness, how can someone who innately requires to withdraw from others possibly maintain plural relationships? The needs of an introvert and the needs of multiple relationships do indeed clash at times. But taking a different outlook about the behaviors of introverts can shed some light on how to navigate relationships with one (or more).

I once ended up in a silly hypothetical conversation with an extroverted partner about what life would be like with a certain number of committed non-exclusive relationships. He told me with the glibbest confidence: “If I had four girlfriends, I'd probably be a professional boyfriend.” He was on the far end of extroversion, feeling he could get infinite energy from infinite positive reaction. He went on to explain his need for a full 'boyfriending' lifestyle as a need to “take time off from everything to make sure I'd see them all often enough and we'd spend adequate time together.”

That remark blew my mind. I couldn't imagine such constant social engagement. I chided myself, later, “If I had four girlfriends, I'd probably still be a recluse.” Even if I had so many people to love, it seemed inconceivable to me to give up my therapeutic solitude. If I loved my partners and they loved me, assuredly they would be people that would understand my need to retreat at times. Some of my partners at times, both introverted and extroverted, have had trouble syncing up my need for space and their need for my attention, or my needs for attention and their own availability. This is a problem that is present in most relationships, but is particularly prevalent in polyamorous relationship structures.

The introvert seems to already have a primary relationship, with the solitary self; and attending to the health and well-being of a primary relationship is always important for all parties involved. I have at times had to take the initiative with my partners to denote when my down time was for purposes of sanity and peace, and other times when they should feel free to interrupt me. It really is a lot like negotiating time spent with a primary, live-in partner with another partner who isn't already in the home. As the introvert has a certain amount of responsibility to maintain that self-as-primary relationship, they may end up wary as to where they apply their energy – there are only so many hours in the day. Social engagement, for an introvert, is to give up a piece of their pie. It is time spent away from the primary, or time spent with the primary in less inwardly focused contexts. It is not traumatic or terrible at all, innately – it's just a decision to be made about where one wants to put their focus today.

Love can be infinite, but our time and energy is not; this is one of the common hazards of polyamorous living, exacerbated by needing time to oneself.

To use a metaphor: to recharge, an introverted pie would have to go in the quiet of the refrigerator and chill, while to be at its best, an extroverted pie has to see and be seen with other pies in the display case. To not get that time in the refrigerator, an introverted pie would feel like it's giving up a slice of itself, similarly, to be shut up alone in that refrigerator, an extroverted pie would feel like it was getting stale.

Sometimes, when an introvert forges a specific intimate bond, they allow their partner to enter their personal space/solitude bubble. This limited receptivity to human company creates a kind of merging. For example, if a strawberry pie is involved with a rhubarb pie, they can become a strawberry rhubarb pie, and mesh nicely. Or you can just be strawberry pie and rhubarb pie sharing the same shelf in the refrigerator. The amount of shared space is of course dependent upon the manner of relationship and the compatibility of partners, as always. The definition of the introvert's self-oriented primary relationship can then expand – the behavior of solitary introversion (“I am safe”) can become shared (“we are safe”) with partners. The partner need not to be introverted as well to experience this sense of inclusion, but extroverts must try to understand how very precious it is to be included in an introvert's safe space – it can be more than simple company and courtesy, but can instead be an extension of intimacy.

Extroverts do not experience social contact nearly so accutely as giving up a piece of their pie; they tend to flourish in contact. As such, I would suggest that an extrovert sees themselves as pie, and the world of people to be like delicious toppings. Extroverts in polyamory are often pie a la mode, or with graham crumbles, or both. This is not to say that extroverts value their relationships less, but rather that interaction is less of a sacrifice and more of a means of energizing stimulation.

It is entirely possible to allow multiple intimate connections into an introvert's safety space. When an introvert allows partners to bond into their introversion bubble, the introvert benefits by expanding their definition of security with others. It begins to sound more like the fluidity of an extrovert, but remember that for an introvert, safety is still in withdrawing, even if the definition of withdrawing has changed. The flavors and toppings may change the composition of the pie; it may change from a closed refrigerator to a refrigerated display case, but this need to compose introspectively remains, even when shared with partners.

Being involved with an introvert can be hard work, especially if neither of you are available at a whim due to general life issues – kids, work, other relationships. But being aware of your partner's needs is always essential to any healthy relationship, poly or not. In the case of polyamory, as always, responsible communication is the key to ensure that everyone and their four hypothetical girlfriends has a chance at enjoying a piece of pie.

Categories:

Viewpoints

Tags:

introverts, Introduction to Polyamory, personality types, advice for newbies, poly, polyamory

Oh Polys, Where Art Thou: The Beginning of the Italian Poly Spring

Leunar Miranda — Mon, 22 Oct 2012 08:45:29 +0000

cascianavitasana By ComùnicaTI

http://www.flickr.com/photos/comunicati/7358898496/sizes/l/

Leunar, a budding organizer in Milan, Italy, tells his story of starting the first active in-person meet up group for polyamory, in a community that was opposed to meeting regularly. The message-- the value of face-to-face community-- is universal, and priceless.

“I'm scared to death,” I thought to myself on my way to hip Corso Como, a few blocks away from one of Milan's main train stations. When i did spot the woman I was looking for, it was by surprise – I practically bumped into her. This was the first publicly-declared polyamorous woman I was ever meeting in person, so things were gonna be inevitably awkward at first.

But this day was much bigger than us both and our personal insecurities. If she had driven all the way from Locarno, Swizerland it was certainly not just to have a date with me. “Can you believe we'll meet the guys from Bologna today?” I said at some point, kinda to break the ice.

To say that such an event would have been unthinkable two weeks before is sheer underestimation. Personally, I've known myself incapable of sustaining stable monogamic relationships for about ten years now, and I first read the word “polyamory” two years ago. After moving to Italy for studies in 2007, when the time came to look for my support network, my keywords for Google were “Poliamore Italia”.

I found a community of about 120 members on a closed Facebook group, and having learned a thing or two in blogs and podcasts, my questions for them were pretty straightforward. How's people distributed around the country? Do I have anybody nearby? Are there any meetings or dinners? The answers to all of my questions were “No.” There was nobody nearby, the distribution nearing 2 polyamorous people per big city (Milano was blessed with four), the rate of growth wasn't any better news.

But what struck me as oddest was not that there weren't any events, meet-ups or conferences, but that the issue wasn't a polite one to ask about. “What issue? Why should we meet anyway?” some asserted, mainly women.

As I got acquainted with my new virtual friends and inquired further, it became clear to me that all Italian resilience stemmed from plain and simple mistrust.

This is a culturally latin problem: Girls don't trust guys. They don't think they'll feel respected; they don't think they'll feel comfortable. Italy carries a heavy burden of traditionalistic and monolithic ideas on its shoulders. Men interested in more than one woman, or women interested in more than one man, all share a common label (with an obvious imbalance towards women): sluts. Mexico, my country of origin, is like this; I would expect all of Latin America to be no different. The women of the Italian poly group feared cultural judgment and disrespect, and being thought of as easy sexual targets. They feared the walls of poly meeting rooms wouldn't be thick enough to fend off centuries of cultural gender disparity.

Polyamorous is a tricky thing to be in these scenarios. It draws from so many other currents of thought and ideological bits of the puzzle that can easily be found overlapping in other societies. Sex-positivity is a big one (there is no such thing in Italy), but a healthy dose of feminism, where the attraction mechanics are leveled and fair among genders, helps. The ancient model of men as possessive protectors and exclusive providers prevails so easily here. Italy has tiny fringe social movements; it lacks ambiguity and queerness. Alternative mindsets make polyamory possible, and their absence was killing the Italian poly community, drowning it in a cybernetic sterility it was never going to survive. As the Facebook group struggled to avoid becoming a barren poly archive, I was getting ready to leave the country... put simply, for the sake of my emotional and romantic future.

So what happened? The Bolognesi, that's what happened.

One merry day, a woman from Bologna, from where we had no members as of yet, entered the national group. She had been there for a few minutes when she said, “Hi, I'm from a poly community from Bologna. We're about 30 people [which is where you heard the first gasps] and we have meetings about every two weeks.”

The wonder.

The bewilderment, the awe. The awe. A community right under our noses, that innocently knew not, or couldn't care less, about all of these fears of masculine/feminine power issues, that trusted in womens' capacity for self-defense and mens' capacity to keep their pants on. They were just there, and met and had dinner and talked about life. Every other weekend. Silently, we realized the taboo seal had been broken. A few days later, a new addition came from none other than Milan, a woman who ran an arts center. And she said, “Let's meet in two weeks, whoever's around.” Just like that.

So yeah, the Bologna-poly-squad didn't actually call for the get-together. But if they hadn't arrived, if they hadn't happened, a mere few days before the invitation to Milan, it would have been met with the same hostile mistrust all previous event proposals had been met with and drowned in. When the evening at Milano was called for, we deemed it bound to fail. “The group is not ready; women won't feel reassured enough just yet.”

As I talked with my Swiss date and we waited for members of the Bolognese community who were joining us for the first-ever Italian polyamorous encounter, it was obvious we had all been yearning for it.

Meeting them was like being a sci-fi character who's had his own planet blown to dust, and then encountering a member of his own long forgotten race, some eons later. I hugged them like they were my brothers, like I had been looking for them for over ten years. Here we were, having drinks and dinner at an all-poly table. An all-poly table... in gray Milan, of all the Italian cities! The Facebook group had been an extensive introduction so we knew each other and got to lively chatting immediately. Three dimensional people rediscovery, if you may.

This is where I also realized why we should have done this years ago. There was nine of us in total, and we talked about ourselves, about our lives, about how we came to discover polyamory and hear of the unpopular word for the first time. This was priceless, this interaction, looking at each others' faces, into each others' eyes. Facebook had never allowed this, and the internet was never gonna. Furthermore, fate wanted it that among us were all the imaginable poly scenarios present as well: the young and old, the married and unmarried and remarried. Some had kids, some feared loneliness, some fought with jealousy all the time. We even had somebody hit on every woman present indiscriminately, not even calling himself polyamorous: the worst case scenario the FB group likes to write horror stories about.

We talked about spirituality and kids and the mistakes you make when you don't know you're poly and are lost in the world. Some of these topics: spirituality, cheating and lies, were topics that had caused outrage and scorn inside the FB group, which was growing intolerant and dogmatic. How easy it is to dismiss other people's ideas, mistakes, weaknesses and gods when they're not in your presence, when you're not looking at their personal history as revealed on their face and expressions, their body language and shy silences.

Having this people, men and women, of all ages and easy smiles, talking to you and to each other about everything from Shamanism to Swiss television, it just became natural to forgo our inevitable differences, our diversity, and embrace having a people of our own. At long last.

Minx from PolyWeekly once said that having discovered yourself to be poly, finding a support community was the indispensable next step. (She's probably not the first to say it, it's just sexy to quote her.) My take is that such a community must be physical; human interaction is indispensable. If only a digital polyamorous community exists, one can always start there, but pushing those scared little polys towards each other is essential, despite the fear of starting small or tiny, of not finding everybody agreeable or nice or even all that poly.

The Bologneese knew it, and now they were teaching us. At the end of the day, all fears were assuaged in the other polys' gaze of curiosity and amazement at the story each and every one of us had to tell.

Categories:

Personal Stories

Tags:

poly, polyamory, Italy, Poliamore Italia, spring, Italian Poly Spring, organizing, activism, stigma, community

Ask RaeRay #6: Strange But Also Good

RaeRay — Fri, 28 Sep 2012 09:51:21 +0000

RaeRay provides advice to a couple who is opening up their relationship.

RaeRay,

My wife and I have been happily married for a few years after dating for a few more. We're relatively young, and aside from some puppy love stuff in high school, neither of us have had any other serious relationships.

Recently my wife discovered that she had some bi-curious tendencies. I reacted like I imagine most straight males would - I thought it was fucking hot! With my encouragement my wife started to experiment a bit - mostly by making out with some of our close mutual female friends at drunken parties. One of these experiments ended up going a bit further and resulted in an awkward situation.

I was torn - on one hand the thought of my wife with another woman was a huge turn on - on the other hand I felt very jealous and inadequate. We ended up having a couple of long, very heartfelt talks about it. It ended up being one of the best things that we have ever done for our relationship - both emotionally and sexually. What's more - we came to the conclusion that we wanted to try a FFM threesome.

We really had no idea what we were getting ourselves into! Neither of us had ever even heard of the term 'unicorn' before. We lucked out: in a relatively short time we found a partner to join us. (Lets call her "Liz".) I won't go into details, but we did it, and it was an incredible experience!

Here is where things start getting a little weird. When my wife and I first decided to have a threesome we were really only looking for sexytimes. However, in finding a partner we were surprised to also find a new friend! Liz turned out to be exactly the kind of person we tend to hang out with. We started inviting her to hang out every chance we get - regardless if it was just my wife and I or a group of our friends. We just really enjoyed spending time with her - even when no sexytimes were involved. We're pretty confident that the feeling is mutual for Liz.

It is a very strange feeling. It is like my wife and I, as a couple, are dating this girl. I tease my wife for having a 'girl crush' and it's so cute! It seems bizarre when I think about it like that but it feels good.

This kind of hit me all at once today and I thought, 'Whoa... is this what being poly is like?' It got me very curious about poly relationships and I've been doing a lot of looking inward and wondering if this is something I would be comfortable with. I really don't have any intentions in the near future of trying to act upon these thoughts - I'm totally comfy right now with our FWB arrangement and wouldn't be too disappointed if it went no further. I'm just kind of wondering, 'what if?'

I have a few questions:

1) Have others had a similar experience? That is, a threesome experience that led to something a bit more? I'd be interested to hear about how it went.

2) Ultimately my wife and I are happily married, and I feel like that would always be a bit of a barrier to forming a healthy three-way relationship where everyone has an equal say. I can't help but think the third might feel a bit put out in such a situation. If you have experience in that kind of situation I'd appreciate hearing about it.

3) I tend to have some jealousy issues. I'm not proud of it, but I can be somewhat possessive of my wife. This seems to be a bit at odds with a poly lifestyle - even a closed polyfidelity relationship. If you or your partner(s) have strong jealousy issues how have you learned to cope?

Thanks!
Accidentally Poly And Liking It?

Dearest APALI:

“Whoa... is this what being poly is like?”

Maybe. Polyamory looks and feels different for every poly couple/group/person. If you choose to call it polyamory, then it is! (As long as you're ethical about it, and everyone is consenting and all that.) For extensive and nuanced examples of how polyamory looks and feels, you might want to read Tristan Taormino's Opening Up (specifically, the chapters on polyamory and jealousy).

Yes, many folks who go into sex-focused non-monogamy end up experiencing feelings of companionship/romance/deep friendship with their new sexual partners, which sounds like it has been an exciting and pleasant process for you and your wife. Congrats! As this three-person dynamic develops it'll be important to keep in mind is that there's four separate relationships in play: the one you and you wife share; the relationship between your wife and Liz; the relationship between you and Liz; and the one between the 3 of you as a group. Each of them will require unique and specific attention.

It is totally great that you are already thinking about the equality and hierarchy of your relationships! It shows that you are considerate towards the folks who you might begin a relationship with. Sounds like you want to be very thoughtful and respectful to their potential feelings and wants. Kudos sir! Don't worry overmuch about "fairness" in your dynamic. Apply your concerns and energy to making sure you know what your third wants/needs out of her with relationship(s) you/your wife. Also make sure that you, your wife, and your third are all at least copacetic, if not excited, about the level of activity, and investment in the relationship(s). (Liz may not want something as serious or committed as the relationship you and your wife have).

Regular check-ins with how the relationship(s) is/are going (like the one you mention) will help with this. Don't enter into a three-way relationship with a person who isn't forthcoming about their wants and wellbeing. Having to guess at what she wants will make it tougher to offer her whatever would contribute to her satisfaction in the relationship. And making sure your partners are satisfied is actually more practical than trying to make things equal.

You can work through your feelings of jealousy and possessiveness. It will require work, but your wellbeing & the wellbeing of the relationship(s) you are in will benefit from that work. One of the acknowledged mantras of polyamory is communication; a lot of what that means is communication with yourself. There are many ways to do this (talking with a poly-friendly therapist might be helpful), and only you will know what fits you best. A good place to start is to identify what triggers your jealousy and possessiveness, and think about how those triggers relate to your insecurities about the relationship or about yourself.

If the possessiveness is something you and your wife find hot and that contributes to the dynamic you share, then see if you can find ways to channel those feelings into a consensual and safe (sexy) spaces. If you would like to be less possessive, then you might need to check some of the cultural assumptions you have about what relationships and marriage mean and entitle you to. This is hard, often emotionally-charged work, but work that's definitely worth doing! It will help you to approach your wife and the relationship(s) you share with her in ways that respect her agency and choices.

I hope your marriage and new relationship continue to be awesome!

Yours,
RaeRay

Questions about your polyamorous relationship? Write RaeRay here: RaeRay@ModernPoly.com

Categories:

Advice

Tags:

Ask RaeRay, advice, poly, polyamory, relationships, bi, bisexual

Polyamory: Great in an Emergency

Tracey Daniel — Wed, 26 Sep 2012 12:18:35 +0000

http://www.kpho.com/story/19453285/survey-purple-equals-passion-in-the-boudoir#.UEe58zfMCEo.facebook

A polyamorist's partners meet under unusual circumstances

I am out having a great time at my best girlfriends’ wedding. I watched her go down the aisle to her one and only love. I listen to her and her new beau recites the normal vows of marriage. Finally they are married. We are all celebrating, having a great time on the dance floor. I had to go check on the surprise that was in store for my girlfriend. I check on our surprise guest*. I was so excited about what was going to happen. I started to walk down a flight a stairs and the next thing I knew I was in pain. I fell on my behind. I couldn’t pick up my leg. My foot was turned the wrong way. I was in excruciating pain. All I could do was scream loudly! Luckily the reception was at a fire hall and someone heard my screams. I know what you are thinking isn’t this an article about polyamory? Yes it is but I had to set the scene.

After the aftermath, at the reception, I was finally in the hospital emergency room. I am not in the right frame of mind. My secondary lives close, my primary was away for business. Who do I call? I called my secondary. I was sent to get an x-ray and he was in my room when I returned. Thank goodness he was there. He stepped in like a pro. He spoke to the doctor’s got everything in order. And in the middle of everything he asked if I spoke to my primary. I was under anesthesia at the time. I knew he needed to know but he was so far away with a 9 to 10 hours drive away, although that night he would have made it in 8 hours.

My primary and secondary have never met or spoke to each other before. According to our relationship contract my primary would meet secondary’s when sexual relations may occur. My secondary and I are not at that place yet. He took my phone and called my primary. I am not sure how the conversation went but he came back into the exam room a he said "you need to call him and wow that man loves you".

After the meds wore off I started to ponder on how lucky I was that my two men were able to have serious conversation about me without any drama. Thanks to my secondary, I was not alone in the emergency room. He was able to access my situation and speak to my primary about my injuries. Thank goodness I am polyamorous. I am never alone during a crisis thanks to my lovers.

Unfortunately, the recovery for my injures will take 8 to 10 weeks. My lovers were able to devise a schedule to watch over me as I needed help with basic things, like walking a short distance and going to the bathroom. Thanks to both of them I am able to heal with love.

*Oh and by the way, the surprise was a Michael Jackson inpersinator.

Tags:

polyamory, secondary, emergency

Categories:

Personal Stories

Woodhull Launches Family Matters Project at Sexual Freedom Summit

Jessica K — Tue, 25 Sep 2012 20:57:23 +0000

Family Matters Project Logo

http://www.familymattersproject.org/

The Woodhull Sexual Freedom Alliance announces the launch of its much-anticipated project. Learn more on how you can participate.

From a press release:

The much-anticipated launch of the Woodhull Sexual Freedom Alliance's Family Matters Project took place at the opening plenary of this weekend's Sexual Freedom Summit in Washington, DC. Ricci Levy, Woodhull's Executive Director, announced the launch of the project during her opening remarks.

"Woodhull launched Family Matters to project the fundamental human right to family by eliminating discrimination based on family structure and relationship choices. In 2010, while more than half of all households counted by the US Census were family households, only 20% were what we consider traditional nuclear family households made up of a husband, a wife, and their own children. The Family Matters project will work to expand rights, respect and recognition for all families."

The Family Matters project will work along three strategic lines. It will raise public awareness of family diversity through the sharing of stories and research and through a range of social media campaigns. It will provide education about human rights at conferences and other public events. And it will facilitate collaboration with human rights and social justice organizations to draft and promote model policies and legislation preventing discrimination based on family structure.

"The slogan for this project says it all," Levy continued. "Rights, respect and recognition for every family. We focus on rights because all families deserve the same political social and economic rights regardless of their structure. We focus on respect because no family should face bullying, violence or stigmatization because of their relationship choices. We focus on recognition, because all families deserve to be recognized and taken into account, whether by the US Census Bureau, the IRS, or their neighbors and community members."

Woodhull invites the participation of all families in kicking off this ambitious project by sharing family stories at Family Matters Project.org

Categories:

News

Tags:

Woodhull Sexual Freedom Alliance, Family, advocacy

A ModernPoly Exclusive Interview: Anthony from Polyamory: Married and Dating

Jessica K — Wed, 12 Sep 2012 20:11:34 +0000

Jessica, who's been covering reviews of Polyamory: Married & Dating, got an inside interview about the show with Anthony Cristofani from "Team Triad." Anthony talks about the feedback from the mainstream, the movement, and the activists; the awkwardness of sex on camera; and the unexpected, human moments that come up when your daily life is in front of a camera.

Jessica: The trailers for Polyamory: Married and Dating kept the descriptions of the three of you pretty generic/tame. What would you like your audience to know about each of you?

Anthony: I am a leftist activist and occupier who is often fighting the prison industrial complex and the Central City Association messing with the homeless in downtown LA. I think the show might have portrayed me as just a scholar. I'm chiefly a writer (memoir, short stories, poetry essays). I also write music with Lindsey and my brother for Cristofani.

Lindsey is so unique that everyone either falls for her or is intimidated and put off by her. She has an absurd sense of humor and is fearless in public. Vanessa has the biggest heart I've ever known and seemingly infinite room to love infinite people. She also has a problem where whatever you say, she can't avoid picturing it, so she really has problems when people say disgusting, horrorific things...

Jessica: Do you have an online presence that you'd like our readers to know about?

Anthony

Twitter: @anthcristofani
Website: The Sacred Dice

Lindsey

Twitter: @Cristofani
Website: Cristofani

Vanessa

Twitter: @VCarlisle
Website: Gorgeous Curiosity
Vanessa's book: A Crack in Everything

Jessica: What impact do you feel this will have on mainstream acceptance of polyamory?

Anthony: I think it will go far in that vein. It was a huge step getting this on television at all, and we lucked out that it was chosen by a network like Showtime that doesn't make as crass reality shows as some channels do. So many of my friends say they would never have done it, because of all the compromises you have to make to get anything in the mainstream, but that's the sacrifice--you lose a little of your eccentric individualism, but make up for it by reaching a large audience and getting a real conversation going.

Hopefully that new awareness can be supplemented by other forms of media about poly[amory] that are less mainstream. We need both. I picked the mainstream option because I knew most people I trusted couldn't stomach the mainstream, and that leaves it to crass attention seekers if you don't suck it up and do it yourself!

Jessica: What advice would you give to someone who is watching this show and questioning whether or not they could be polyamorous?

Anthony: My advice would be to keep an open mind and really pursue that question as fearlessly and as diligently as you can. Also, keep in mind this is only one show, and it only represents two families, so don't assume we [completely] 'represent' poly[amory] or that we're the only way to be poly. There are of course SO many options, and I urge questioning people to do some research to find some of the models that resonate with them. For example, polyfidelity is missing in representation on our show.

Jessica: What resources would you recommend to those that want to learn more about polyamory?

Anthony: You can do a lot by googling polyamory--take the time to explore different sites, making sure not to neglect anthropological takes on the history of nonmonogamy (it's more popular than you'd think historically). There are some good films to check out:

Truffaut's Jules and Jim
Allen's Vicki Cristina Barcelona
a German film called The Edukators
Menage

(However, most films chicken out and always make the relationships fail.)

Of course, everyone needs to read the Ethical Slut. I found Big Love useful and resonant, surprisingly, because even though we believe that women should get multiple partners too [...], there were many practical daily issues and emotional landscapes that were familiar from that series. Try also joining a meetup and meet poly people in person or online because nothing compares to human sharing of experiences. OKCupid is good for finding other poly people too.

Jessica: What would you recommend to someone that wants to get involved in polyamory activism?

Anthony: My recommendation might be a bit controversial in two ways:

First, I recommend that you do see activism as a duty, not just a taste, because when something is as foreign to mainstream media and acceptance as polyamory, it causes unnecessary suffering and isolation for people who can't find psychologists who get them, can't get advice from friends, are continually fighting off bigoted judgments and legal discrimination, and generally struggling for legitimacy. The only way to change that is if more and more of us come out. You can help just by bringing it up. When people are talking at the watercooler or a party about sex and coupling and marriage they will usually assume monogamy the way everyone assumed heterosexuality only 20 years ago. Speak up for poly. Ask questions that get them thinking, like 'why is falling for her so tragic and problematic. Why not date them both?' Just getting conversation going is so vital.

The other piece of advice is not to overlook the revolutionary potential of polyamory in terms of deconstructing the kinship structures and family organization that are so essential to the functioning of capitalism. Capitalism succeeds only when people are obsessed with property relations, and are kept in safe seperate units that don't interact a lot (nuclear family, friends, co-workers, etc.). Poly tends to cause these categories to bleed, and to naturally encourage more sharing and prizing of community over the spouse you possess. Think how an increase in popularity in polyamory might effect the world economically, politically, culturally.

.]Aside from that, again, look online and join one of the many groups or sites who would love volunteers or contributors. But [...] the most important work you can do is just being out and getting conversations going.

Jessica: What do you think the "movers and shakers" (activists and leaders) within the polyamory movement should focus on?

Anthony: Hmm, strange question, because I would hope we have different leaders focusing on different key areas. Generally speaking, I would urge that they focus more on what poly people have in common then their differences. Althought it is important to encourage and express how many varities of poly[amory] there [are], I too often see polyamory activists - like most activists in most fields I've worked in - waste too much time and energy nitpicking each other over what each other's beliefs or lifestyle does for the movement.

I've witnessed this with our show, reading countless comments about how we hurt the community because we have rules that would chafe many poly people, or our having sex on television and not being polyfidelitous gives the unfortunate impression that poly is for the sexually insatiable or is glorified swinging. I've heard it all, and I think it's unhelpful. For one thing, it's unrealistic to look for the poly family that perfectly represents poly. We're all as eccentric and different as monogamous people. You undercut the liberating potential of poly[amory] if you make people feel guilty for not subscribing to the politically correct poly profile. When people do a show like ours, celebrate first and foremost the victory of us getting on mainstream tv like that, and that intelligent loving people were chosen, not drama queens.

To reiterate, I'd say leaders need to lead by example and focus their critique more on the ways media and politics and our language habits tend to marginalize polyamorous peoople, and brainstorm ways to expose these assumptions and prejudices. This is more useful than what I see in some groups, where it's a debate on who is the most healthy poly superstar, hunting down the ones that further patriarchy, heteronormativity, marriage as an institution, and all restrictions on self-determination. I'd rather see them talking about how sitcoms or pop songs with their heteronormative monogamist assumptions do that.

Jessica: What are your thoughts about the current response to the show (feedback about the show itself, reaction to the triad, etc.)?

Anthony: I was kind of prepared for it, but I'm still disappointed by the propensity of the poly community to nitpick each other and speculate over how healthy we are for the cause or if we present a misleading portrait of poly. (Huh? Any one family is misleading as portrait of poly[amory], since poly[amory] has infinite variations). But I am also gratified and inspired by all the people who write with gratitude and relief that someone like them is on television, and now they have the courage to come out or to accept who they are. That makes it all worth it.

I am unpleasantly surprised, on a somewhat prideful level, how little our life as thinkers and avid conversationalists seems to come off to some people. Part of that is because our most interesting stuff doesn't always make the edit (it has to be snappy one liner!), especially when it's non poly insights, and the time contraints are ruthless. Still, it's the first time in my life I've seen myself described as alternately, 'not too smart', bad at conversation, or boring. I guess I learned it's truly hard to capture reality in reality tv.

I'm surprised the show isn't reviewed more often in mainstream media, and I'm not sure why that is. I am curious to see how talk shows or national newspapers would interact with it. There are many positive comments, but they're all different and there's no consistent theme.

There are two themes to the negative feedback we've heard: The first is that two families with open relationships (i.e. seeing casual lovers, too) - with one household realy into Tantra - gives many the impression that poly is more sex-based than it is. I wish we had a polyfidelitous family. The second is that viewers felt that the sex scenes were gratuitous, a waste of time in a 30 min show, and is obviously there just to sell. I don't think it's there just to sell, as I know our creator is very sex-positive and wanted those who are curious about how sex works in nonmonogamous settings deserve that insight as well. However, it's hard to argue with these people because I myself would rather have more conversation, cultural issues than see the sex if we have limited time. But that's just me. I don't think sex is as interesting as philosophy or politics.

Jess: How have your family and friends reacted towards the show?

Anthony: Our families and friends were very supportive of the whole attempt to help make the world more safe for poly with a show like this. The reality after watching is I prefer watching with people who don't know me, as those who do can only focus on what they love about me that is left out of the show, whereas strangers don't know what they're missing. My occupy friends are disappointed that part of our lives is left out; My academic friends wanted more intellectualism; my musician friends wanted more of that part of our lives; and my parents wanted to see me teaching more, both in the classroom and informally in public. You can't please everyone!

I think the harshest reaction has been my parents. They told me they thought the convincing and profound way we talk about poly[amory] doesn't come across on the show, and that our more nuanced messages are swallowed up by this spectacle of glorified swinging, gratuitous sex, and too much time spent on relationship drama. Ouch. It's good to know my Mom doesn't pull punches though and has high standards for the dissemination of poly[amory]. But I think she doesn't spend enough time watching television, and doesn't realize what a rare coup this show is, how much more integrity it was allowed to have than most television shows.

Jessica: Has the polyamory community (local or online) been supportive of the three of you since the show started airing?

Anthony: Yes and no. Lots of people thanking us for our courage to put ourselves on the line for the cause, people thanking us for giving them people they can relate to on TV at last, friends just grateful and encouraging. But there's also the poly watchdogs analyzing our every opinion and relationship structure to see if it is healthy or unhealthy for the polyamory movement. I think that's not a smart political strategy and is a bit defensive - we poly people already feel judged and pressured to prove our life isn't just an immature confused phase, and so some react by wanting to purge us of anyone who might further some of the misconceptions. I'd rather embrace the variety and multiplicity of poly, and merely note to readers that the people on the show only represent a small sample of the many kinds of poly family structures and beliefs.

In some sense you can't win. If you're the perfect poly clone you'll be accused of not being unique and different enough. You get the difference down and you disappoint the people wanting a poly role model. [...] I think one thing the poly community could improve at is getting a wider political consciousness. Because it's a 'lifestyle' (a lousy word to me that falsely hides the political nature of relationships), many to me think about polyamory only within the narrow realm of the 'personal' or of lifestyle. I think if we were always thinking of polyamory as also rubbing up against and interrogating ideology, religion, and the economic system itself, we wouldn't so easily fall into the trap of nitpicking each other instead of focusing on polyamory's potential and place in the larger world, which we've only begun to really think about. I think it's harder for me than some, because my friends are all utter radicals or intellectuals; and in those two worlds, no one watches television or even understands what it means to work in that media. The majority of my friends haven't even seen the show ([but] that's also a function of knowing a lot of poor people who can't afford pay tv!)

Jessica: What are your feelings about the sex scenes in the show?

Anthony: I think that satisfying people's curiosity about sex within a polyamorous relationship could have been handled with two sex scenes over the whole series: one group sex, since many are unfamiliar with that, and one couple sex, which would serve probably just to show that we look like other people in that situation.

When we as polyamorists talk, go out, deal with family, get married, or interact with strangers we are something new for many viewers. In bed it seems to me we're just par for the course.

I was asked if I was comfortable with cameras being in the bedroom and I didn't hesitate to say yes because I'm very sex-positive, comfortable with nudity, and didn't want to hide anything. However, I found out that it's possible for me to act mostly natural when I'm TALKING with cameras on me, but I underestimated how hard it would be to get into my sexual groove with cameras in the room. Sex is such an intimate honest act, you want to invite the camera crew to join in to make it less awkward. This is certainly not the fault of anyone on the show - it's my own surprising inability to be my sexual self in that setting. For Vanessa, on the other hand, it was easy. She loved it and had great satisfying sex on camera, and was surprised and baffled when I said it was hard for me to get into it. That's Vanessa, sexual superhero, capable of eroticizing any situation. Looks like San Diego had no problems either.

Jessica: As a participant of Polyamory: Married and Dating, how would you describe the show to someone who may not be familiar with the various flavors of reality tv?

Anthony: That's a funny question, because I'm not familiar with the various flavors of reality TV. Honestly, the only one I ever watched was the Real World. But I know enough to say that the show is a documentary series that was much more authentic than most (from what I hear), because we were asked what we wanted to do and we got to do that, and we got to say what we believed. So I'd describe it as a reality show that focuses less on the melodrama many specialize in, and more on the workings of love and commitment in a multiple partner setting.

Jessica: What was the selection process like for the tv series? How were you selected? What was the dialogue like between your family and the show's producer?

Anthony: She found us on a poly meetup group list.

It's funny because so many people were distrustful and said 'stay away!' Everyone's afraid Hollywood will exploit you. For us, it was an intriguing opportunity to bring poly[amory] to mainstream attention. How fake could it be if we were in it, right?! I kept telling that to my worried friends--worry more about shows where I have to say the lines of some trendy writer, which I don't believe in. On this show I get to say only MY lines!

The director producer emailed us a lot at first, then we met in person. It was a long process--over a year. We were drawn to her because she was a feminist with a sex-positive agenda who had recently been exposed to polyamory and thought the world really needed to hear about it. I thought the whole process of the dialogue was way better than the horror stories you hear from Hollywood. She was respectful of our beliefs and agenda, went to bat for us when other parties didn't want to let us do our thing, was humble enough to ask and learn about polyamory instead of crafting a vision without much experience.

I think it is always a delicate and problematic situation when someone not of a particular community tries to accurately present it, and sometimes we had to let her know that she was making assumptions or having expectations that owed to her not being overly familiar with polyamory. But she was cooperative when that happened, and did a lot of homework on polyamory to prepare for the show. I'd say we had remarkebly similar visions, given how different of worlds we come from.

The only signifcant difference is she thought that for people to have a chance to embrace this new and controversial thing we were throwing at them, we had to make that the only political agenda and only controversial topic, whereas we wanted to just freestyle and talk about everything we were passionate about--the prison industrial complex, capitalism, sex worker rights, Occupy, etc. Mostly that didn't work out, but you have to admit she's right. It's hard enough to swallow a poly person for most viewers. How about commie poly person interested in prison abolition and legalizing drugs and prostitution, who wears tight sparkly clothes, likes to do performance art when he goes out, and has a virtual commune/salon of close friends who all wear the same clothes when we go out? Not an easy sell.

Jessica: Were you able to see the final cut of your part of the show prior to it airing, or are you seeing it for the first time as we are?

Anthony: First time for me! It's exciting. I wanted it that way. I like being surprised. I can't remember half of what happened, and it was a whirlwind crazy stressful time trying to film for the first time and do Occupy and get my grad school work done. It's like seeing a dream now.

Jessica: Have any of you had media training prior to being filmed for this series?

Anthony: I don't know what media training means, so probably not. No acting lessons or anything. Linz and I are musicians, so we're used to performing and being in front of crowds, as well as whatever is similar to the television industry--agents, PR, etc.

Jessica: What was the biggest thing that you *didn't* expect about the production process?

Anthony: I think what surprised me the most was how hard it was for me to do a multiple take if ever something screwed up the shot. I didn't realize until filming began how much my style is about improvisation, playing off the cuff, and spontaneity. Once I had to repeat things that I had just invented on the spot organically, I realized how much I rely on spontaneity. Also, given how bemused the crew was by my problem with it, I think I'm not necessarily normal in this way. Most people must sort of prepare what they say more than me, because I was told I was the only one who found this so bizarre. Once they figured this out about me, they were really sweet and accomodating, going out of their way to try and get everything right on the first take just for me. But mostly they thought I was weird.

All in all I'd say you'd think it's easy to be yourself, but it's harder than I thought to be myself on cue. Sometimes I would show up to a shoot and not feel like myself, feel like Joaquin Phoenix that day, but I had to just pull myself out of me, because the show was supposed to be about us, and we only have 7 episodes to show our many sides, so it doesn't help if one day I randomly feel more like Charles Bukowski with a hangover than myself. Otherwise I immortalize myself forever in a freak mood I'm rarely in.

I think I was figuring out what is so exhausting for celebrities who want to be role models or whose every move is analyzed as a sign or message. You can't happen to feel like Charles Manson on the day you're supposed to go to a charity gala for autistic kids, or people will think you have some dark problem with the whole cause.

Likewise, if normally I'm super focused and rapt in discussions with my partners, but today on the day we're supposed to film a super romantic date I happen to feel distracted, irreverent, and frivolous, I have to think "Oh shit, I'm one of the first poly people on television. If I don't pull my normal attentive discussion-loving self out people are gonna think poly people are uncomfortable with serious relationship situations and try to escape the gravity of it".

It's overthinking it, but it's not unrealistic to realize that with so few poly people on TV, your every move is going to be taken as indicative of a culture. I don't mind that misperception, but I at least want it to be typical me that goes down in history, not a freak aberration from that particular day in March. No wonder many in our community are so hypersensitive to what kind of message we're sending by being who we are on the show--we're one of the first messages on this topic going to this wide an audience!

Jessica: What advice would you give to other polyamorists who are thinking about being filmed for a reality tv show?

Anthony: My advice would be to take seriously the potential to help other people and change the political/legal climate with your show. Don't do it for attention or for yourself (you're just going to be ridiculed by strangers on the internet); you've got to have a commitment to a larger purpose for the show, and then you've got to be clear and adament from day 1 about that vision and about who you are and what you believe.

You want to make sure the people involved know fully what they're getting into. If you kind of hide yourself or don't confront them then you could get into a situation where they have an agenda or commercial set of rules/needs that you don't like. If you are very clear from the start what you think the show should be and what it shouldnt be, then they can either go with someone else if they're not on the same page or you'll find that this is the right fit, and they won't have much freedom to change their tune because you've set your boundaries. I say this not from any bad experience on my show but because my coworkers kept telling me how lucky we were and how much more manipulative and scripted most shows are. You don't want to wind up with that so ask hard questions!

Do something different than we did! Make up for whatever was misleading or disproportionate about or show in terms of representing the majority of the community.

Categories:

News

Tags:

Polyamory: Married & Dating, Featured, poly, polyamory, Anthony, anthony cristofani, interview