Did you follow along with us this month as we talked about friendship, mean girls and how we can walk wisely during these years? Just in case you missed a post, here they are:

On Being Left Out

Mean Girl Frenemies!

The Secret to Knowing When to Stand and When to Run

You Are Not My Friend

The Gift of the Benefit of the Doubt

What it Means to be a Godly Friend 

Radical Choices and Sacrifices

Take Heart!

When Keystrokes Kill

Scripture Sound-Off Proverbs 15:4 (free download)

Thank you so much for your questions, comments and mostly for inspiring us to write on this topic this month.  We hope you were encouraged by what you read here.

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Given this month’s discussion on BFFs and Frenemies, how do you work to teach your daughter’s this Scriptural truth? How do you encourage it when relationships are broken? {we can all learn from one another here }

Enjoy your free printables here MayScriptureCards

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Her big blue eyes and sweet smile drew me into the screen.  A seventh grade school picture of a make-up free, youthful face that appeared at peace.  Below the surface, however, was intense pain, torturing her soul.

And it caused Rachel Ehmke to take her life.

According to news sources , this middle school girl who had never so much as kissed a boy started enduring the wrath of mean girls last fall when the word “slut” was written across her gym locker.  The relentless bullying escalated at school and on social media to the point that she hid in the locker room during lunch  and ultimately escaped it all by hanging herself in her own Minnesota home.

Her parents were left with this suicide note

Which sends a shiver down every parents spine because who of us hasn’t heard “I’m fine?”

Later her dad would warn, “”They’ve got to realize that keyboard- that little finger movement from your computer has the power to kill.”

Cyberbullying demands a new awareness of parents in this technological age.  Unlike face-to-face bullying that necessitates a certain amount of courage, cyberbullying allows the offender(s) to hide privately in the comforts of their own home and punch out a text or key in a message on Twitter, MySpace, and/or Facebook that will be seen by the multitudes and balloon in a matter of seconds.

And, as the victim watches the words spread like wildfire, their confidence shrivels.

How do you fight back against such consuming hate?

Sadly, the masses share this pain.  When Pam Stenzel & I talked with teens about cyberbullying for our new book “Who’s In Your Social Network” we discovered this alarming statistic:

Three-fourths of American teenagers say they’ve been bullied online, but only one in ten tell their parents.

Parents aren’t trying to misread the “I’m fine.”  They either don’t know about the bullying at all.  Or, they honestly believe their child is effectively dealing with their pain.

Unfortunately for most of our children bullying is a hurt they will know all too well.  Prior to reaching age enough for their own cell phone or social media accounts, 90% of elementary aged kids will be bullied on the playground.

Insults on the soul start before a mature faith is achieved.

So how can we help our girls – wired for connection – when relationships are broken?

1)    Talk to your child A LOT!  Talking about the things that make our girl(s) happy or sad each day is something we must start young so we become their “safe person” to share their heart with.  If we nurture those conversations from the get-go, they will be much more likely to share if bullying occurs.

2)    Alert your child’s school/other parents if they report something to you.  Often times they will not want you to share the information for fear of being embarrassed or making the problem worse, but they do not have adult perspective.  Involving others that can work towards ending the problem is critical.

3)    Inform your child about the prevalence of cyberbullying BEFORE giving them a cell phone or allowing them to open a social media account.  Encourage your child to consider how every word they type impacts their character and ask them what’s going on on Facebook and text conversations.

4)    Join Facebook/social media site when they do.  You need to be their “friend” so that you can see their wall and what they are being tagged in and talk with them about anything that causes alarm.

5)    Discuss often what a good friend is so that they can easily identify a bad one.  Remind them that if someone is saying hurtful things to their face or via phone/computer you want to talk with them about how it makes them feel and find solutions to make the situation better.

6)    Pray protection over your child.  I’d suggest praying alone AND with them so that they know you are in tune and care.

No matter how badly we want our girls to avoid torment from persecutors or rest in the faith-filled confidence that they are fearfully and wonderfully made by a God lavishing His love on them, they are still children, affected in a very real way by the verbal abuse of the world.  On May 4^th Rachel’s body was lowered into the ground.  Let us remember her experience. Hug our kids tightly.  Talk with them almost to the point of their annoyance.  Take seriously the tech age necessity to monitor phones and watch closely the computer.  And, remind them that they always have a BFF in us.

Photo credit. Originally seen in a My Fox News story video

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We’ve been talking about “mean girls” this month at MODsquad. As I’ve read each post, I’ve realized a couple of things. First, it seems we ALL have had experiences with mean girls to varying degrees. And second, we all handle these situations differently.

Not wrong, just different.

I don’t consider myself an expert in this area at all, so I asked my 14-year-old daughter who is just finishing up middle school (middle school is probably the meanest time in a girl’s life, won’t you agree?) what I should say about “mean girls.” She came up with three pieces of advice for moms.

1. Listen. As moms we want to fix things, don’t we? We’ve been there. We have our own ideas about how this situation should work out, so we grab the phone to call the mean girl’s mom or we rush to talk to her teacher. We just want to see the problem resolved. NOW.

But, as my daughter pointed out, sometimes a girl just needs her mom to listen.

2. Give advice. Again, this doesn’t mean we fix it, but we should be willing to give our daughters godly counsel. This is what my very wise daughter said to me:

“Don’t fight our battles for us, just supply us with the ammunition.”

Isn’t that great?! I hope I can remember that when the days seem dark.

3. Pray. Our daughters get such strength and encouragement just by knowing that we are praying for them. Especially if they do not want us to intervene, we can fight their battle before the throne of grace and receive the wisdom we so desperately need.

One of my daughters went through a particularly rough patch in middle school. I won’t go into the details, but she did not want me to intervene. I felt helpless as a mom, so I prayed for wisdom every day. “Lord,” I cried, “what should I do? Should I pull her out of school? Should I transfer her to another school? What should I do?”

And every time I prayed, I distinctly heard the Lord tell me, “Just wait.”

So we waited. And waited. And waited.

She never had a specific moment of resolution, but eventually her days got brighter and the situation got better. Whether she knew it at the time or not, waiting through her problems taught her some valuable life lessons. I know now that praying was the best thing I could do for my daughter.

This verse has been such a help to me as I’ve thought and prayed about various friendship “issues” that have come up with my daughters. Jesus, talking to His disciples about persecution they will have to endure after he leaves the earth, says this:

“In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

Yes, our girls will encounter difficult people throughout their lives but, as my daughter pointed out, our girls need to be given the right ammunition to handle these troubles—and the best ammunition is Jesus. He knows what it’s like to be persecuted. He knows what it’s like to be left out and bullied. He even died at the hands of some pretty mean people. But He did it because He loved each one of us so much that He wanted a forever relationship with us in Heaven.

Reminding our girls of the gospel—the good news that Jesus came to save us because He loves us—is the ammunition that they need to persevere through difficult days.

The gospel also reminds us that if it weren’t for the grace of Jesus, we too could easily be that mean girl. Ephesians 5:8 tells us “You were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of the light!”

Mom, help your daughter live as a child of the light this week as you listen, give godly advice, and pray for her in every situation.

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While looking for a particular piece of information from my review of Dr. Dobson’s book, Bringing Up Girls, I decided to share all of the following with you again. Each point is so very important,  I think it bears repeating … and repeating … and sharing … and repeating.

These points are taken from Chapter 19 – Bullies, Buddies, and Best Friends:

~ Every parent has reason to be concerned today about the rise in violence among teen girls.
~ Unlike boys, girls bully relationally by backstabbing, harassing, name-calling, isolating, spreading rumors and lies, and just being nasty.
~ Approximately one in three students is either a perpetrator or a target of bullying, but every student is touched by it in one way or another.
~ According to the National Education Association, more than 160,000 children stay home from school every day because of fear of intimidation!!!! {exclamation points mine}
~ Sadly, harassment often begins in early childhood, when they are least able to deal with it.
~ The implications for naturally fearful and shy girls are highly significant. As they grow older, some will develop ulcers, eating disorders, and depression.
~ Harassment doesn’t usually result in death, but something does begin to die inside these girls and boys.

Two last things I think are important to note:

1. Dr. Dobson states that the argument, “kids will be kids – adults should stay out of the conflict and let the children settle things for themselves,” is allowing adults to become enablers. “Let me say it clearly: I consider it child abuse for an adult to stand by passively while a defenseless boy or girl is assaulted by peers, physically or emotionally. The damage inflicted in those moments can reverberate for a lifetime.”
2. Dr. Dobson also states … This is an individual decision for each family to make, but you can’t just sit idly by and watch your child go down for the count. There might come a time to get them out of it. You have to be prepared to do whatever is necessary to preserve their tender spirits. It might make sense to sit them down … let them know you’re on their team and will do anything you can to help. This may mean going to another school or even moving. When Dr. Dobson was sixteen, his parents moved the family seven hundred miles away to give him a new start. “My mom and dad cared enough about me to help me land on my feet.”

Personally, I’ve walked through two seasons of relational aggression with my girls. I learned the hard way the first time, which made me better equipped when it happened again to another daughter. I hope you’ll take the time to listen as I share our story.

I know as a busy mom your time is valuable, so I appreciate you taking the time to listen and I look forward to connecting with you!

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A couple of years ago I had the opportunity to review Friendship for Grown-Ups by Lisa Whelchel.    As part of the review, Thomas Nelson generously offered me the chance for a 15-minute interview with the “Facts of Life” star.   She said something in that interview that has become a foundation for my view on friendship and how I teach my daughter about making and being a good friend.

One of the greatest gifts we give a friend is the benefit of the doubt.

What a powerful truth!  When we step back from the emotion of a situation and consider the whole of a person’s character and behavior, it can (and often does!) radically change how we respond in a difficult situation.

For my daughter, we’ve used this standard time and again in navigating the often tricky world of tween friendships.  Thankfully, my daughter has a core of wonderful friends.  But, there are times when even wonderful friends say or do something that wounds.  In fact, sometimes it’s my girl who does the wounding.  

We’ve learned a few lessons in the past few years about managing friendships among tween girls … and honestly, they are valuable lessons for moms attempting to mange their own friendships as well.

1. Choose to believe the best about a person.   It’s so much easier to believe the worst but much more like Jesus to see the good.
2. Stay out of someone else’s business.  Seriously, this one should go without saying … but it can’t.  Recently my daughter found herself on the outs with one of her best friends.  Why?  Because she got into a situation that had nothing to do with her.
3. Apologize when you’re wrong … and then give the person you’ve wronged the opportunity to forgive.  It’s a tough lesson to learn that forgiveness isn’t automatic and even when we are forgiven, there are often consequences for our actions that remain.  Giving another person space to process and respond is hard but necessary.
4. Always consider the WHOLE situation, not just your small part.  Sometimes our girls have a hard time seeing beyond their own hurt feelings.  We need to teach them to look at the bigger picture and guide them to consider all the factors involved.
5. Pray.  When a difficult relationship finds its way into my girl’s life, we pray.  Not just for the other person but also we pray for her to have wisdom and insight.
6. Give the benefit of the doubt.  I’ve come back to this so many times in my own life and taught my daughter to operate from this standard in her own.   We want to receive the benefit of the doubt from others and we give our girls a great gift when we teach them to offer that in the relationships in their own lives as well.

Helping our girls weave their way through the maze of friendships can be one of the most challenging parts of mothering.  I think it’s because we have such a difficult time doing that same thing ourselves.  

Moms, will you teach your girls to offer others the benefit of the doubt?

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I was getting ready to play a math game with three of my students in school. Two of the girls shouted out that they wanted to be the color red. I had them shake the dice to see who got to pick their color first. The girl that had the highest roll picked red. The second girl thought I wasn’t looking but I looked up just in time to see her mouth to the girl that won the toss, “You are not my friend.”

I stopped the game right there and called her out. I explained to the girls how silly it was to argue over a color for the game and how inappropriate it was to say she was not her friend.

Today I saw a whole conversation on Facebook about how kids are more mean today than they used to be. I have to disagree. Watching this little 9 year old girl in school took me right back to when I was in school. Kids have always been mean. I will admit, I have been on both sides. There were times that I caused the hurt and believe me, I have felt the hurt. I don’t think that it hurt any less when I was a kid.

The difference now is in the delivery method. When I was in school mean comments had to be said face to face or written in a note. Today it is much faster with the click of a send button on a cell phone or a quick comment on Facebook.

So how do we handle it as moms? How do we teach our kids to be good friends?

I asked my 11-year old daughter the questions, “What do you think it takes to be a good friend?” This is what she said.

• Honesty
• Fun to be around, not bossy
• Understanding

“How do you handle situations that get sticky with friends?”

• Try to figure out a way to work it out.

We have had a lot of conversations about what it means to be a good friend. What was interesting to me was her immediate response to the second question. There have been many times that my daughters have gotten into situations with their friends that I really want to step in and work things out for them.

I think it is really important to know when it is time to step in because your daughter may be in a situation that cannot be worked out. However, I have found out the hard way that it is really important for my daughters to figure out a way to work it out, too.

As moms, we can’t fix everything. There are always two sides to every story and our daughters are not always the ones on the hurt side. Sometimes our daughters are the ones causing the hurt. The best opportunity we have with our daughters is to be observant of their actions, find teachable moments and lead by example everyday with our own friends.

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Congratulations to Shonda for winning the Yancy CD! Special thanks to Yancy for the sweet video and song. Love her heart for music and blessing our families! To learn more about Yancy, check out her website!

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She leans her head against the window of the passenger side door.  ”I don’t want to go.”  Tears well up in her hazel eyes, I ask why and she tries to hide behind, “I don’t feel well.”

Only you know mama.
So ask questions.
Stay engaged.
But above all, pray and pray some more.
And, while your at it, tuck this promise in your heart:

And if, in the process, any of you does not know how to meet any particular problem he has only to ask God—who gives generously to all men without making them feel foolish or guilty—and he may be quite sure that the necessary wisdom will be given him.
James 1:5, Phillips Translation

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