I also struggle with the feeling that I am tied so closely to someone else that his moods, his preferences…hell, his very presence so directly affect what I do with my life. I read in a book once (I think…can’t remember specifically) the idea of one spouse being like a spring who was only wound up to action when the other spouse was present…and I can relate to that feeling.  Life seems more real and more active when Toph is around.  It is a weird thing to me, to feel that life is on ‘pause’ when he is at work.  I struggle to be productive even though he is gone and it is frustrating to me.  I begin to feel that I have little internal motivation at all.  And it scares me, because what will happen to me if anything should take Toph out of my life permanently? How then will I go on and get done what needs doing?

I write this out of the need to remove the idea from my brain, where it has been resting heavily for many days now.  I expect that very few people ever read this blog anymore with any regularity since my last posts are so old and, imo, kind of uninspired.  What happened to being able to dig into my brain for something deeper than ‘hey these jeans fit me well!” oi.

I cannot doubt the power of the words I type.  Words evoke emotions, and stir passions.  Be the words typed or spoken, their ability to express my thoughts to others is unsurpassed by any other form of communication.  Words clarify that deep sigh, they crystallize that snort of laughter, and they bring meaning to the *shrugs* I type.

I choose my words carefully.  The words ‘hate’ and ‘love’ carry particular strength and I use each with caution.  Words carry unconscious meanings, subconscious layers of baggage hang on their every vowel and consonant.

Words have power. Words are power, when used correctly.