Mom Jeans

My Horrible Time at Sears

2016-01-29T03:25:00.004-05:00

Sears customers and those looking to purchase jewelry, lend me your ears(eyes?)!! It's story time! Bear with me it's kind of long, but it may make you think twice before shopping at Sears! Unfortunately, I don't remember any employee names to commend the few helpful employees, but it's the Altamonte Springs, Florida location.

On 12/24/16, my fiancee went to four different jewelry stores to find the perfect engagement ring. He finally found it at the Sears jewelry counter. Now, one would think with it being Christmas Eve (a big shopping day), most stores would be fully staffed. This was not the case, there being one very rude employee behind the jewelry counter. My fiancee waited 20mins with our 2-year old daughter before he was helped. By the time the transaction was almost to a close, he had a very upset toddler on his hands. Hence the reason he did not provide a phone number or email address at the time of purchase. He also used cash, making it even more difficult to locate the purchase later on. He didn't purchase the warranty (worried I wouldn't like the ring), but was informed he had 30days to do so. I loved the ring and was very careful with it, but I hadn't even been wearing it for 2weeks when I discovered 2 of the white diamonds missing! We looked for the receipt for two days, he had hidden it somewhere, but could not find it. I had always heard good things about Sears customer service, so I wasn't too terribly worried.

On 01/15/16, I loaded my daughter up in the car and we went to the mall to activate the warranty and have the ring fixed, arriving around 3pm. Once again, there was only one person behind the counter. When we got there, she was helping another woman, so we patiently waited at least 15mins before even being acknowledged. The customer was indecisive and told the employee to go ahead and help me while she decided. So, she asks me what she can help me with and I explain the situation. She tells me she can't help me and has to call a manager. I will say, she was very polite for the most part, just not able to help with the situation. So, she gets on the intercom and says, "Code 3 to Jewelry."

And we wait, and wait, and wait. Another 10mins have gone by and I'm starting to get irritated at this point. Probably seeing this, she gets on the intercom again, "Code 3 to Jewelry." And we wait again, at least another 10mins, when I hear, "Code 3 to Clothing." Now I'm really getting mad and I blurt out, "Not like that's going to f***ing work!" The employee apologized and got on the intercom for a 3rd time with another code 3. Keep in mind, I've been here with a 2-year old for damn near 45mins already and haven't really been helped, at all. I finally see what looks like a manager walking quickly in our direction, but he appears to be going towards clothing. I look at the jewelry lady, visibly angry, and she flags him down, bless her. The first thing this guy says to me? "I don't know anything about jewelry, but I'll see what I can do." He asks me for a phone number to look up the sale and goes to 3 DIFFERENT COMPUTERS, claiming that not one works, then says he's going he's going to call someone to help. Me: "Are you actually going to call someone, or just get on the intercom? Cuz I've already been here for 45mins." Him: "I'm going to actually call someone." Then, this asshole gets on the intercom!! He asks for someone from blahblah department to call HIM and he gets back on a computer. Pissed, my daughter and I start walking around the counter, looking at the jewelry. Another 10mins passes, when I see this dude walking away very quickly. So, I holler at him, ask him where he's going. This man looked me dead in the face and lied to me, "I promise, I'll be back in 10mins, ma'am!" I waited 20 and he never showed.

My daughter and I walk up to the jewelry lady and I give her my phone number and tell her to have him call me when he shows back up, we're going to the food court. At this point, I've been there for an hour and 20mins, give or take, it's around 4:30.

We get our food and eat, that takes about 30mins. Then, we go to F.Y.E., look around, and buy 3 CDs, another 30mins roundabout. So, it's approximately 5:30 and we're walking to Cinnabon when I FINALLY get a phone call. It's a woman I haven't spoken to yet wanting me to come back to help locate the sale. Once we get there, everything starts going smoothly. There were 3 new ladies behind the counter, two were managers of sorts and the third replaced the original employee, I believe.

The two managers pull up every sale for that day and start going through them to find the proper one, while the other lady filled me in on the lifetime warranty benefits. They were able to find it and give me the lifetime warranty, all 3 were very efficient, knowledgeable, and understanding. They took the ring, told me they would call in 2 to 3 weeks, and my daughter and I finally went about our merry way a little after 6pm, a full 3 hours after we had arrived.

I'm anxiously waiting to get it back, it's my engagement ring and I've barely had it! On 01/26, I received a call from a woman from Sears. Her: "Unfortunately, ma'am, you have to come and pick out a new ring, they're unable to fix yours because they no longer have the blue pigment." Me: "I don't see why that should be a problem, it was 2 white diamonds that fell out." Her: "Yes, ma'am, but the diamonds don't come out of the ground that color and they don't have the blue dye anymore." Me: "What does that have to do with the 2 white diamonds?" Her: "They have to re-varnish the whole ring and they don't have the blue pigment, anymore." Me: "Well, why the f*** would you sell someone a lifetime warranty for something that you guys can't fix for the rest of my life, blah blah blah..." She didn't have an answer, just said she could ask them if they could replace only the white ones or I could come pick a whole new ring. I'm too angry to talk, as I don't want to dump on her when it isn't her fault, so I just tell her I will come in to deal with it soon and to have a good day. To top it all off, this bitch hangs up on me, didn't say boo or anything,

So, my fiancee and I work full schedules and the only day off we have together is Tuesday, 02/02/16. He wants to be there to pick out a new one with me, so we will be returning then. Hopefully, the experience is better this time, as I know I will no longer give Sears, at least that particular location, my business. I've had my ring for a little over a month and they've had it for over half that time. I will post an update once we go!

I'm Still Alive!

2014-10-12T12:10:00.002-04:00

Hey everyone, sorry for my absence. A few days turned into a month before I knew it! So, this is just an update post to get back into the groove of things. Dahlia is a little terror now. She's got two teeth in already and two more about to break through. She tears up the house in her walker and has all the animals living in fear. She's also been sleeping through the night for a while and is on a pretty tight schedule. We started her on baby food about a month ago and she's doing really well. Surprisingly, vegetables are her favorite, but she isn't very fond of fruit. I've also noticed that she no longer blindly trusts me. Instead of just opening her mouth for the spoon, she now taste-tests everything on the tip of her tongue before she'll eat it. She likes those little Gerber Graduates puffs, especially. I would say 80% of my day is spent picking those up from the floor.We're getting all geared up for Halloween and I think she's enjoying it (though it's hard to tell in an almost 8 month old). We got her costume the other night, she's going to be a pink bunny. I got bunny ears, as well, so we'll match! We also carved pumpkins. I got a giant one for Ben and me and a tiny one for her. I actually managed to carve the tiny one, too. She seemed to like looking at them all lit up.
In other news, we recently left her with a friend to babysit for the first time. We went to see ICP and Three 6 Mafia, so we were gone for a few hours. About 2 or 3 hours in, I texted to see if everything was all right. She said Dahlia was being a little fussy. I had figured she would've been asleep by then (like I said, tight schedule), but she was very much awake. Our friend is about eight months pregnant and it was late, so we asked Ben's mom if she would go pick Dahlia up. We get home about two hours later and Dahlia is still awake, fussing. She finally went to sleep a few minutes after we got home, but now her schedule is all messed up. Keeping her awake hasn't seemed to get her back on track, so I'm kind of just hoping she'll just work it out herself. Any moms have advice on this?
Well, thanks for coming back and (hopefully) forgiving me for my hiatus! I'll try to post somewhat regularly again, you just get into slumps sometimes, ya know?

Motherly Instinct

2014-09-15T19:36:00.003-04:00

Motherly instinct is a crazy thing. It's something that you don't truly understand until you've experienced it, and it can be hard to explain. All animals have it, hence the expression, "never get between a mama bear and her cubs." Whenever your child is in the slightest amount of danger, you get this hot, sick, tight ball in the pit of your stomach. Once, when she slipped a little bit in Ben's hands, I almost vomited, I had to sit down. And if anything threatens her, I'll lose it. I have literally punched my cat in the head for hissing at her (he's okay, of course). You don't think clearly, you just react. My mom said that now that I'm older, the instinct isn't as strong for her. But, since Dahlia is only six months, it's still very strong. I think I would probably rip someone's face off for her. It can be a scary feeling and a sick feeling, but completely natural. What are your experiences with the motherly instinct? Men, have you experienced anything similar? Leave your responses in the comments below!

13 Adult Jokes Hidden in Kid Shows

2014-09-07T02:43:00.001-04:00

Cartoon makers will sometimes slip dirty jokes into kid shows so that parents watching aren't completely bored. Here are thirteen examples of such, some in older shows, some in new, and one from a movie. I tried not too include too many that were the same shows, but it happens.

Number 13 - The Powerpuff Girls

"It's okay, Professor. I was an accident, too."

Number 12 - Spongebob Squarepants

Spongebob just got caught watching sea-porn.

"I was just looking for the sports channel, Gary!"

Number 11 - Rocko's Modern Life

The sign says: Remember Be hot Be naughty Be courteous

In a show riddled with sexual innuendo and dirty jokes that kids never get, this scene ranks up there with the dirtiest of the dirty. Rocko becomes a sex phone operator.

Number 10 - Rugrats

This is definitely a circumcision joke.

Number 9 - Rugrats, again

Grandpa watches freaky space porn when the kids go to bed.

Number 8 - Freakazoid

Grammatical errors aside, that's a penis joke.

Number 7 - Animaniacs

Is it just me, or does Prince look disappointed?

Number 6 - Ed, Edd n Eddy

They are definitely looking at porn surrounded by used tissues.

Number 5 - Robots

"Making the baby's the fun part."

Number 4 - Dexter's Laboratory

"Okay, but it's 50 bucks extra." Dexter hires a prostitute to pretend to be his sister. Kind of dirty on two levels, now that I think about it...

Number 3 - Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends

In this episode, they're speaking of displaying a literal bust (a statue of someone from the shoulders up) when Bloo says this.

Number 2 - Johnny Bravo

"This is so much fun! I can't remember the last time I was blindfolded... Oh. Wait...yes I do." This show had it's fair share of sexual innuendos, but here's a memorable one hinting at BDSM.

Number 1 - Regular Show

I'd look like that, too, if I had just drank unicorn ejaculate.

Another one rife with adult jokes, this one was particularly gross. In this episode, there's a bunch of mischevious unicorns, one dressed like Alex from A Clockwork Orange. First, they tell Mordecai their "slobber" is magical and can help him attract the attention of his crush. You never see them spit into anything, but they hand him a cup of sparkly "slobber" and tell him to drink it. Honestly, it doesn't even really sound like he's saying slobber, that's just the closest approximation. Anyway, after they get him to drink it, they have him slick back his hair with it, There's Something About Mary - style, giggling and laughing throughout the whole thing.

If Fairy Tales Were Real (and Modern)

2014-09-02T22:21:00.000-04:00

Fairy tales are great for kids. They can teach them lessons about life and they can be entertaining. But, at the same time, they're very unrealistic. While I wouldn't suggest reading these to your kids, they might ring a little more true to you.

Sleeping Beauty
Once upon a time there was a woman that fell into a very deep sleep and forgot to lock her doors. A man was walking by and saw her, so he decided to try and wake her. He climbed in through her window and began kissing her. The woman woke up screaming and the next thing he knew, the police were yelling at him to get down on the ground. He was charged with breaking and entering and attempted rape. The end.

Snow White
Once upon a time there was a beautiful woman that lived next door to a very ugly woman. The ugly woman was very jealous of the beautiful woman and was constantly thinking of ways for vengeance. One day, she baked a cake with cyanide and gave it to the beautiful woman. The beautiful woman ate it and died. When the autopsy was performed, they discovered the cyanide and arrested the ugly woman, who spent the rest of her life in jail. The end.

Cinderella
Once upon a time, there lived a girl, her three step-sisters, and her step-mother. One day, the coolest boy in school was hosting a party and all four girls were dying to go. The step-mother allowed the three sisters to go, but told Cinderella she had to stay home and clean. So, the three step-sisters went to the party and Cinderella sat on her bed and cried all night. The end.

Peter Pan
Once upon a time, there was a girl named Wendy asleep in her bedroom. She was woken by a tap on her window. She looked out to see a dirty, crazed looking man gesturing to her to come outside. She began screaming and her parents came running in. Seeing the man, they called the police. The police came and arrested the man, determining he was a pedophile on crack. The end.

Beauty and the Beast
Once upon a time, there was a man that would be considered a social outcast. He didn't have any friends and he never went outside. One day, he saw the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. So, he decided to kidnap her. And she was never heard from again. The end.

Alice in Wonderland
Once upon a time, a girl took acid. It was a really long and really bad trip. The end.

Little Red Riding Hood
Once upon a time, a girl was walking through the woods to get to her grandmother's house. A mountain lion began tracking her, following her all the way to her grandmother's house. Waiting until the little girl and her grandmother were comfortable, the mountain lion jumped through the window and ate both of them. The end.

The Little Boy Who Cried Wolf
Once upon a time, there was a little boy playing outside. He was pretty bored, so he decided to yell to everyone a wolf was trying to eat him. All the people within earshot came running, his mother included. When the people got there, the little boy told them the wolf had ran away. Everyone left, grumbling. The little boy did it again, only this time, when he told them the wolf ran away, his mother snatched him up and started spanking him. Then, she told him he was grounded and to go to his room. The end.

5 Creepiest Kid Shows Ever

2014-08-30T22:07:00.000-04:00

A lot of shows for children will try to sneak in some jokes for parents to make it tolerable. But, sometimes kids shows are just plain creepy. Here's a list of the five creepiest kid's shows I could find.

Number 5 - Jay Jay the Jet Plane

Originally airing in 1998, the series was re-released in 2001 and 2005. It features anthropomorphic planes, the main character being Jay Jay. There's just something unsettling about a plane that is self-aware allowing a bunch of humans to board it.

Number 4 - Lazy Town

I've actually watched this one a few times, and I have to say, it seems like it's more for adults. It began airing in 2004 until around 2012, with a hiatus. It has strong pedophilic overtones; the main character is a young girl (that might be a short adult in real life) named Stephanie that tries to help the citizens of Lazy Town get in shape. The hero is a much older man named Sportacus, that does sports stuff. The villain is another much older man named Robbie Rotten, who does various things to try to spoil Stephanie and Sportacus's plans, but in the creepiest ways possible.

Number 3 - Oobi

Airing from 2004-2007, this is about a family of hands with eyes and hair, the titular character being Oobi, an elementary school hand. The hands speak like cavemen, saying as few words as possible. The way they talk combined with the way they look makes them seem like some sort of giant mutant hand race.

Number 2 - The High Fructose Adventures of Annoying Orange

This is based off of an internet series, so straight off you know it's going to be weird. Nothing normal ever came out of the internet. It aired from 2012 to 2014 and is about a bunch of fruit living in a supermarket. There's one human that can talk to them, but everyone dismisses him as crazy. That part of the concept alone is some dark stuff for a kid's show, but it gets weirder. The fruit face such adversaries as: alien broccoli, zombie vegetables, and an every-now-and-then antagonistic grapefruit. All while that poor human watches in stunned silence.

Number 1 - Boohbah

A British show originally airing from 2003 to 2005, this seems to be kind of similar to Teletubbies, but creepier. First off, the boobah's head/neck area looks like foreskin. They're all different colors and they dance around and say "boobah"and there are bright lights and stuff. But, they're creepy looking and creepy sounding. They also have dolls that look like them in stores.

Lazy Post - Mom Jeans on Other Sites!

2014-08-29T01:20:00.000-04:00

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I'm putting together a decent post, I promise. Life just gets in the way sometimes, you know? Check back tomorrow. So, in light of this, here's a lazy post about Mom Jeans. You can get (a very little bit) more content by liking us on Facebook, following me on Twitter, adding me on Google+, following me on Pinterest , following me on Bloglovin', or adding me on LinkedIn. And, of course, if you haven't already, subscribe! Get to it!

5 More Things I Learned as a New Mom

2014-08-26T23:07:00.002-04:00

Here's five more things I learned as a new mom. Pretty soon, I'll have to change the title to just 5 Things I Learned as a Mom!

Number 5 - You're Already Proud of Them

Every little thing they do makes you proud. When they roll over, when they stand, when they babble, everything. Even things they have no control over, like their teeth, are big deals.

Number 4 - If You Don't Like It, Neither Do They

This one is kind of common sense, but it still can take getting used to. If it's too hot for you, it's too hot for them, same with cold. Pretty self-explanatory.

Number 3 - You Don't Need Any Fancy Products

These days, there are all sorts of silly products out there for parents, as I've written twice before. Things to mix formula, to warm wipes, to vibrate and "calm and soothe." None of that stuff is needed. Women in the fifties didn't have any newfangled gadgets, and they did just fine. While it may be more convenient, it's by no means necessary.

Number 2 - Sometimes They Just Have to Cry It Out

Sometimes, there's just nothing wrong and they're still crying. In that case, it's usually best to just let them cry it out. You may feel guilty about it, but sometimes you have to. For your sanity and for their own good.

Number 1 - If Your Kid Will Play Quietly, Take Advantage!

This is another one you may feel guilty about, but if they will sit there and play quietly by themselves, don't feel bad about going to take a shower, or reading a book, or anything. You need time to you and time alone is good for them, too. A baby will tell you when they have to have attention (and sometimes you have to let them cry), if they aren't begging for it, don't feel guilty about taking time for you.

13 More of the Most Ridiculous Products for Children/Parents

2014-08-24T01:19:00.002-04:00

Here's 13 more products that will have you asking, "Why?"

Number 13 - Rockabye Baby! Lullaby Renditions of Nirvana

Playing your baby normal Nirvana will not hurt them. Although, Kurt Cobain is pretty terrible... Nirvana isn't they only band that they've "rendered", though. There are 179 Rockabye Baby! albums, with everything from Queen to Jay-Z. So, for like 20 bucks, your baby can listen to fake Michael Jackson.

Number 12 - HippMama

This is an awesome idea. But, you look like a giant tool wearing it. I think the only way I would get this is if it came in Batman utility belt style.

Number 11 - Intelligender

Look people, if you want to flush $30 away, you can send it to me. Seriously, I'll tell you where to send it.

Number 10 - Poop Alarm

This is a little thingy that sticks in the side of the baby's diaper and makes noise when the baby poops or pees. Let this sink in for a moment. For hundreds of years (or however long diapers have been around), parents have known when their babies need to be changed. They didn't have to pay $40 for an alarm that lets them know when the baby shits. Plus, it's sticking in the diaper, wouldn't it get poo on it?

Number 9 - Potty Time Reminder Watch

Maybe I should just quit writing about potty-training tools since I'm not at that stage with Dahlia yet, but this just seems silly. It's not over-priced or anything. I just feel like if your kid is old enough to use a watch, they should be old enough to remember not to piss themselves. But, like I said, I don't know.

Number 8 - TV Timer BOB

This is another one for those lazy parents out there. A quote from the website, "No more 'Turn off that TV!' arguments." Really? Is this really an argument? There are kids out there arguing with their parents about shutting off the TV? Maybe it's just my mom, but if I had argued with her about it, I would've been spanked and she would have turned the TV off. If I turned it back on, I wouldn't have been surprised if she cut the power cord. If you have control of your kids, you won't have to buy something silly like this.

Number 7 - FingerGuard

What the hell. $75 for a piece of plastic to cover your kids fingers so they don't suck on them anymore. You can get a bottle of hot sauce for like, 2 bucks and you can almost guarantee the kid won't do it too many more times.

Number 6 - Morning Chicness Bags

Now you can vomit into a cute little bag! Are there actually women out there buying this? I can speak from experience, a Big Gulp cup works just as well and is only 79 cents.

Number 5 - Baby Coffee Machine

This is like a little Keurig Single Cup for baby formula. It brews your baby formula. I guess mixing the powder and water is just too pedestrian now. This is big in Switzerland and France, but I'm sure it's just a matter of time before lazy American moms get their hands on it. For roughly $265 USD, I'll stick with my Enfamil powder, thank you.

Number 4 - The Poche Suit

This is a pair of footie pajamas that has a bunch of little pockets for your hands on it. Notice the father's hands in the picture? I could see how this thing could come in handy, but it seems dangerous and unnecessary. Just carry your kid like a normal person. It's got buttons like a regular pair of footie pajamas. I feel like if the baby slips and the fabric doesn't rip, the buttons will pop open and your kid will crack their head on the ground.

Number 3 - Bacon Baby Infant Formula

An April Fool's joke by J&D's, this product was featured to purchase on quite a few websites and people fell for it. It's not real, but if it were, knowing the stupidity of people, there would be a baby somewhere being fed this stuff. 'Merica.

Number 2 - The Breast Milk Baby - Breastfeeding Doll

Seriously, what the hell, man. This is a baby that suckles when you put it up to this special shirt that has flower nipples on it. Flower nipples. Your daughter (or your son, I guess) would put this to her flower nipple shirt and this fake baby will suckle on it. Ew. I'm not against breastfeeding, but there's just something wrong about this. I can't put it into words, but it's wrong.

Number 1 - MommyMilk Creations

The white hearts are the breast milk.

These are gross. They're pretty, but gross. Pretty gross. Basically, you ship this random person your breast milk and they do some stuff to it and send it back to you in some jewelry. It just creeps me out.

12 Creepiest Toys for Kids or Babies

2014-08-22T01:55:00.004-04:00

Sometimes I wonder if toy makers think at all before putting a toy on the market. Some kids will notice the unnerving things about these toys straight off, here's the 12 creepiest toys for kids or babies.

Number 12 - Barbie and Tanner The Dog

On the surface, there's nothing wrong with this. But then you look closer and notice that this playset includes food for Tanner the dog, there's little brown pellets in his bowl. But, then you notice some other brown pellets on the right side of the picture. Tanner is a pooping toy dog. Because Tanner is a pooping toy dog, he can't digest things. Meaning what goes in is the same as what comes out. You literally feed this dog it's shit and it poops it back out. Next thing you know, your kid is running around trying to shove turds in the dog's face. Not good for anyone involved.

Number 11 - Erwin the Little Patient

This thing is actually kind of cute. But, what's up with the huge skin flap? And it's nose is bothersome. Really, it's entire face.

Number 10 - Growing Up Skipper

This was on the market in 1974. You twist her arm one way, she gets taller and boobs spring out. You twist her arm the other way, the boobs disappear and she gets short again. The creepiest part is the lettering on the box: "Cute, little girl!" "Tall, curvy teenager!" I don't even know.

Number 9 - Pre-Chewed Pencils

For real. I have questions. Who chews the pencils? Why don't they have any erasers? Who would pay $1.98 USD (plus shipping) for 4 pencils? (Obviously, this isn't specifically for kids, but cut me some slack.)

Number 8 - Pregnant Barbie

I don't think this is "inappropriate." I think there is no right way to make a pregnant doll, so you just shouldn't do it. It looks weird. But, offensive? No. Just really weird.

Number 7 - Hugo Man of a Thousand Faces

The creepiness of this thing speaks for itself. The dead eyes, hollow cheeks, and hairlessness are too much. It doesn't look any better dressed up, either.

Number 6 - Baby Laugh A Lot

This doll isn't so much visually scary as it is audibly. Just watch.

Number 5 - E.T. Finger Light

Let's just go ahead and get this out of the way; this looks like a dick. I realize it's old and blah, blah, blah. But, I could not let my kid play with this. I would lose it every time I saw them, then I'd have to explain why I was laughing. It's just too much to get into over a "finger light." How did moms in the 80s deal with their kids wanting this?

Number 4 - Singamajigs

With it's super dilated eyes and suggestively puckered mouth, this could either be someone who just took ecstasy, or someone that died eating a lemon. Either way, it's unsettling. What is the big one doing to the little one? Holding it hostage? They're both screaming, but the little one looks particularly desperate.

Number 3 - Be A Doll

It's as if there's a tiny version of you running around that is, of course, evil. I don't like it. If you had an identical vestigial twin that you just removed, but now it can walk about and commit mischief and it hates you for the way you've treated it over the years, so now it's coming to get you in your sleep - that's this.

Number 2 - Zaky Infant Pillow

Oh man, these are super creepy disembodied hands that are for cradling your infant. Although, it would be kinda cool if they re-marketed it as Thing from the Addams Family.

Number 1 - Face Bank

This is what Nietzsche meant when he said, "And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you." This bank eats your money and your soul. It has a built in heat sensor, so when you put your hand (or anything warm) in front of it, the mouth starts moving. As if it isn't creepy enough without moving parts. See it in action:

Don't feed it your change, that's what it wants!

15 Most Ridiculous Products for Children/Parents

2014-08-19T23:56:00.001-04:00

Some of the products in the list were created because of laziness, some to be more efficient, and some out of just plain vanity, but all are ridiculous and unnecessary (and a few are particularly disgusting). This goes to show that John Bridges was right when he said, "A fool and his money are soon parted." If, god forbid, you wish to buy any of these very real products, clicking the title will lead you right to the product page.

Number 15 - Baba Buddy

This kid looks super happy.

I'm just going to say it, this is for lazy moms. If you don't have multiple children to bottle feed all at once, there is no reason for this. I'll admit, I have propped a blanket under Dahlia's bottle a few times so I could do something or other, but you shouldn't be doing this enough to warrant an actual thingy! That aside, what if they choke? And, it's $30.00!! I don't want anyone to think I'm judging (like I said, I've propped bottles, believe me), but little babies need to eat about every two hours, older about every four, etc. It's not like they eat, then an hour later start screaming for food again (not all the time, anyway). So, you can plan your life around feeding your child. I mean, are you honestly so busy that you can't set aside the 30-45 minutes it takes to do that? Maybe you are, I don't know anyone's life. I just know I plan my day according to Dahlia, because that's what parents do.

Number 14 - Peekaru

If Kane and the Chestburster became friends.

This is a great idea, but you look ridiculous wearing it. I guess the company is going for the whole kangaroo thing, but instead it just looks like you're trying to smuggle a child that managed to chew it's way out of your sweater. You're paying $65.00 to look silly. I can get one of Ben's hoodies and cut a hole right there for free!

Number 13 - Baby Lasso

This thing just makes it easier for the kid to kick you in the boobs repeatedly. Why would anyone buy this? It's $10.00! You could just get a scarf and tie it to the baby's ankles, if you really wanted to. I just don't know what else to say, it's senseless.

Number 12 - Peter Potty

First off, Peter Potty! hahahahahahaha Please tell me they did that on purpose! Anyway, I don't know really anything about potty training boys, but it seems to me like the toilet would be fine. Maybe there's more clean-up involved. I have no clue. Unfortunately, the real Peter Potty is discontinued, but they replaced it with a penguin, because apparently pissing into a penguin is better. Just never take your kid to the zoo.

Number 11 - The Daddle

Sexual connotations aside (look at the reviews if it isn't immediately obvious to you), by the time Dad gets this damn thing strapped on, the kid will have found something else to do. And it's useless once they grow up, you can't strap it to a real horse. Also, it's $45.00. I suppose it could be a cute gag gift, but an expensive one.

Number 10 - Baby by Tous

Baby. Perfume. What the hell. Just give your baby a bath, people! And at $40.00 a bottle, it's more expensive than my perfume!

Number 9 - Time Out Pad

See, this just turns time out into a game. It's pressure sensitive and has an alarm in case your kid moves. If they were smart enough, they could pull an Indiana Jones, rendering the time out pad ineffective. Maybe that's why it's no longer available? But, like the Peter Potty, they have other versions available.

Number 8 - Nosefrida

Ew. While I'm sure this is super effective, it looks absolutely disgusting. What if snot goes in your mouth? I would probably puke on the baby. Anything that could possibly lead to a Stand By Me pie-eating contest situation is never good. Plus, babies hate nasal aspirators. One that looks like a straw may foster an unhealthy fear and/or hatred of straws. How would your child enjoy milkshakes?

Number 7 - Why Cry

I don't even know where to begin, I guess that old reliable complaint- price. This damn thing is $80.00! To tell you why a baby, that only cries for like four reasons (pain, hunger, exhaustion, diaper), is crying. Outrageous. If you check all of these things by burping your baby, feeding them, or changing them, and they're still crying, let them cry. Sometimes, they just need to cry it out. By constantly picking them up and trying to soothe them, you're coddling and spoiling them.

Number 6 - Heelarious

I shit you not, these are heels for your baby. Granted, the heels collapse under weight, they're meant for 0-6 month olds, not walking. But, I feel like everyone's in too much of a hurry to grow up. Babies don't need high heels (especially slutty-looking ones), they should be wearing little booties and socks, just being cute! On the website, the heels themselves are "retired styles," but they do have some cowboy boots that, admittedly, are awfully cute.

Number 5 - Babikinis

Another case of parents not dressing kids age appropriately, these are bikinis for your baby. The smallest size is for 7-12 month olds. I'm not sure when I feel bikinis are appropriate, honestly, but I definitely know it's not one year old or under. And, again, more expensive than my own, going for around $30.

Number 4 - The Windi

From the same people that made the snot sucker, you stick this up your baby's butt. The people at FridaBaby are just out to traumatize your children by sticking things in their orifices. But, for real, is your baby's gas really that bad? I truly hope the people purchasing this product are first trying things differently on the other end of the baby before sticking things willy-nilly up their kid's ass. They make gas-reducing bottles and formula, and there's always burping! I mean, sticking anything up anyone's butt should always be the absolute last resort, after all other options have been exhausted. A good rule of thumb for babies; if you wouldn't like it done to you, they wouldn't like it done to them. And sometimes, even if you do like it, they don't. So, putting anything in a baby's butt (especially if it's "long enough to reach past the muscle that prevents the release of the gas"), is the last thing you should be doing.

Number 3 - Kickbee
In the rankings for most useless yet annoying product, this one is high up there. This thing sends a "tweet" every time your baby kicks you. Holy shit, if I had had this when I was pregnant, it would've been constantly tweeting. It's even got options to send text messages every time the baby kicks. Who would even want to know?? I mean, when I was pregnant, I didn't call Ben every time Dahlia kicked me and I didn't come home and say, "She kicked me 107 times today." Who does that?

Number 2 - Baby Bangs

I've found a lot of products on this list have me asking, "why?" But, this one in particular has me perplexed. Why in the world would you do this to your child? I'll be the first one to say that bald babies can be kind of ugly, but they'll grow out of it! Plus, it's $30. What are you going to tell your kid when they get older? "Sorry, Suzie, you were actually born bald. You were just so damn ugly we had to get you a wig." Why, America? Why?

Number 1 - Placenta Teddy Bear

This is possibly one of the most disgusting things ever. Obviously, it's a DIY project. The product that you purchase (other than the ingredients needed), is this book of crafts for kids. It's supposed to be a "sustainable" toy for your kid, as in environmentally friendly. Would you really want your kids to play with this? Better yet, would you really want to build this? Here's an outline of the instructions: "The placenta must be cut in half and rubbed with sea salt to cure it. After it is dried out, it is treated with an emulsifying mixture of tannin and egg yolk to make it soft and pliable. Then, you craft it into a teddy bear." Eeeww.

5 Vintage Medicines that Prove Doctors Hated Children

2014-08-18T00:06:00.000-04:00

It used to be that children were supposed to be seen and not heard. Obviously, the doctors of yore really subscribed to that. These vintage medicines prove that doctors felt the only good child was an unconscious one.

Number 5 - Cocaine Toothache Drops

This ad, published in 1885, is for cocaine toothache drops, commonly used for teething children. Nowadays, all we have is Orajel...

Number 4 - Victor Infant's Relief

Introduced in 1910, this "medicine" claims to be for looseness of bowel. It contains Cannabis indica, nitre extract, and chloroform. You ingest it. Chloroform. For your kids.

Number 3 - Stickney and Poor's Pure Paregoric

This product, introduced around 1899, contains alcohol (46%, making it 92 proof) and opium. It has a dosage chart for children as young as five days old. Use of this product and products like it contributed to infant mortality rates. The babies had no hunger pains and they would die from malnutrition. It was called "The Poor Baby's Nurse."

Number 2 - Bayer's Heroin Syrup

The headline reads, "The cough disappears." Running between 1910 and 1912 in Spanish newspapers, these advertisements urged parents to dose children suffering from coughs, colds, and "irritation." So, basically, if your kid is being an asshole, give them some heroin!

Number 1 - Blatz Beer

Published in 1916, this ad espoused the benefits of malt to a breastfeeding baby. "The malt in the beer supplies nourishing qualities that are essential at this time and the hops act as an appetizing, stimulating, tonic." For real. They wanted moms to get drunk and breastfeed their babies.

5 More Things I Learned as a New Mom

2014-08-15T00:10:00.000-04:00

As the saying goes, you learn something new everyday. This is especially true when you're a new mom. So, here are five more things I've learned as a new mom.

Number 5 - You Never Get Tired of That Smile

No matter how sleepy you are, you never get tired of your babies smile. You could be ready to rip your eyes out from exhaustion, but when that baby smiles, so do you. And, surprisingly, it will make you feel better, sometimes.

Number 4 - Sizes Don't Matter

Get your mind out of the gutter, I'm talking about clothes! The sizes listed on those labels don't mean a thing. Your baby can simultaneously fit in a 3 month onesie and a 9 month onesie, when they're 6 months old. A size 3M in Garanimals is comparable to a 6M in Carter's. Why all baby clothing makers can't stick to the same size charts is beyond me, but this means you can't box up all your baby's 3M clothes just because they're now in mostly 6M. And don't even get me started on 0-3M, 6-9M, they've got all sorts, it's ridiculous. The only real way to gauge is to either stick it on the baby, or compare it to something you know fits well. The other really irritating thing is the ones that say 24M, etc. The baby isn't 24 months, it's 2 for Christ's sake. And what the hell is the difference between 24M and 2T, anyway?

Number 3 - Something that Fit Yesterday Doesn't Fit Today

The picture on the right was taken two days after the picture on the left.

This can be upsetting. You've got an outfit that looks so cute and fits perfectly, and then one day you put it on and it's pulling too tightly in one place or another. Babies grow so quickly that something they were just wearing no longer fits. Then you go through the cycle of looking through all of the other clothes to see what fits and what doesn't.

Number 2 - Laundry, Laundry, Laundry

I change my daughter's outfit approximately 5 times a day. I change my own clothes (due to vomit) probably at least 3 times a day. Then there's towels for bath time, the normal day to day laundry, and whatever else she's pooped, peed, puked, or drooled on in the meantime. That all adds up to about 2 loads of laundry a day, if I don't pack the washer full. If I spend say 30 minutes a day doing laundry, that's what, 3 1/2 hours a week? Wasted. On laundry.

Number 1 - You Can Never Have Enough Wipes/Diapers

If your diaper and wipe arsenal isn't fully stocked, you could be in trouble. There have been a few times that I've thought I had diapers or wipes and reached for empty air. I'll admit, Dahlia has worn one of those little swimmer diapers while I ran up to the store to get proper ones. You really can't ever have enough of either. If you're at the store and you think you need them, you do. Get them.

Animals and Your Baby

2014-08-12T21:29:00.000-04:00

When Dahlia was first born, I was nervous about her being around the animals. You always think about all sorts of terrible things that can happen. Like the old wive's tale about cats stealing the baby's breath. Or maybe the dog will just bite her face off. The cat is going to sit on her and suffocate her. The dog is going to put a paw through her skull. You'll think about all of these awful things and convince yourself they're going to happen. But, eventually you'll relax. You'll realize the animals aren't trying to kill her and calm down, maybe even let them cuddle together. I believe it's beneficial to children to be around animals, anyway. It makes them more comfortable and fosters a love for animals. Although I have to watch Dahlia closely when she's cuddling with the cats, they both twist into so many crazy positions, she sometimes strays too closely to butthole zone! But, she loves them and is fascinated by them. She pets the cats when they lay next to her and always laughs when the dogs lick her. She follows them with her eyes and just stares at them. Soon she'll be crawling around after them! So, if you watch your baby, having animals in the house isn't a problem and can even be a benefit.

10 Outfits/Costumes I Must Have For My Daughter

2014-08-10T18:06:00.000-04:00

One of the fun things about having a kid is dressing them up. They can't say no, they have to wear whatever you put on them. With that in mind, here are ten outfits and/or costumes I must have for Dahlia.

Number 10 - The Cheshire Cat

I believe this costume is homemade, so I can't buy it, unfortunately. But, oh my god, this is adorable. The baby's expression makes it so much cuter, too. Also, maybe it's just me, but does that look like a giraffe neck in the background?

Number 9 - Chewbacca

This one is probably more suited for a boy, but it is adorable. Bonus points if you can teach your baby to do the wookie call!

Number 8 - Meowth

As a child of the 90's, I loved Poke'mon. I had Poke'mon everything; sheets, clothes, the cards, the games, everything. So, what better than a Poke'baby? Unfortunately, I think this one is homemade, as well.

Number 7 - Alice

Obviously, I love Alice In Wonderland. While Dahlia isn't a blonde, she would still make the perfect Alice, especially in this dress. Now, to find a White Rabbit costume for the cat...

Number 6 - Rosie the Riveter

This one would be a pretty easy DIY and super cute. I've always loved Rosie and I hope to pass that love on to my daughter.

Number 5 - Little Red Riding Hood

Always a classic. And the little wolf is adorable.

Number 4 - Princess Leia

I'm a huge Star Wars fan, so this is right up my alley. So cute, and not as racy as when she's chained to Jabba!

Number 3 - Jackie O

I love Jackie O's style, and this is just adorable. A perfect outfit for a future president or first lady!

Number 2 - Vintage-style Bathing Suit

I love vintage looking clothes, so being able to dress my baby like that is awesome.

Number 1 - Sailor Outfit

Every kid needs a sailor outfit, boy or girl. They're absolutely the cutest. Then, you have an excuse to make them swab the deck!

Have you seen any cuter outfits or costumes? Let me know in the comments below!

Pool Safety and Your Baby

2014-08-08T18:08:00.006-04:00

Pool safety is extremely important for your baby, especially if you live in Florida. In 2008 - 2010, drowning fatalities were 64% of the fatalities for children under the age of 15. These tragedies are totally preventable using protective measures like alarms, gates, and safety covers. But, if you're like me, these products are way out of your price range. If that is the case, techniques have been developed to help your child be safe in the pool. Teaching your child to go completely limp while they're in the pool can prevent them from drowning, as shown in this video:

When children kick and struggle, they begin to panic and are unable to float. Also, teaching them to swim early on is always helpful. Here are some simple tips from the government:

-Always watch your child when they are in or near a pool or spa

-Teach children basic water safety tips
-Keep children away from pool drains, pipes and other openings to avoid entrapments
-Have a portable telephone close by at all times when you or your family are using a pool or spa
-If a child is missing, look for him or her in the pool or spa first
-Share safety instructions with family, friends and neighbors
Now, we take Dahlia to the pool pretty frequently. She doesn't hate it, but she's definitely not comfortable. It's important to take your baby often so they can become comfortable and don't panic if they do begin to drown. Have any other ideas for pool safety? Leave a comment below!

Helicopter Parenting: Is Coddling Our Kids Helping or Harming?

2014-08-05T18:19:00.000-04:00

Things are definitely much different than when I was a kid. Children nowadays get coddled and spoiled. Is it society becoming more technological? Or is crime getting worse, causing parents to tighten leashes (sometimes literally)? Which also begs almost the same question I posed in my post about hot car deaths, is crime actually getting worse or do we just hear about it more readily? This article kind of asks the same questions and brings up some great comparisons of the ways parenting has changed. It also brings up the fact that there really is no longer a sense of community offline anymore. I mean, honestly, how many of you know more than one or two of your neighbors? People don't trust other people as much as they did (probably for good reason). This means we're less likely to let our kids spend the night at a neighbor's house (one that also has children, of course). We're less likely to organize and/or attend a neighborhood block party or barbecue. Kids don't get the same experiences they used to and it makes me wonder if kids today are softer, for lack of a better word. For instance, nowadays, children get awards just for participating. Or the "Anti-Bullying Campaign." This was never around when I was a kid and I don't remember ever hearing about kids committing suicide because of bullying. Granted, bullying is a terrible thing and a child's suicide is an absolute tragedy, but this seems to be a new thing.

Is it because kids do more things online rather than going outdoors and "getting into trouble?" The article I linked to above mentions kids these days aren't allowed to roam around outdoors quite as much as their parents were. You hear in the news all the time how kids are getting kidnapped from their own neighborhoods, parents today don't allow their kids to stray as far as parents in the past used to. There are also tons of products out today that make things...oversafe, I suppose? For example, baby wipe warmers. I mean, for real? Your baby's ass can't be cold for two seconds? And there are baby monitors that have cameras on them! And all sorts of things to baby-proof your house, like toilet latches... What happened to watching your kids to make sure they weren't playing in the toilet? There are also many products to make sure your kids are always entertained and you never have to spend any actual time with them, like TVs in the car, tablets, and smart phones. Are all of these things contributing to a society of sissies? Let's get back to how things were in the TV show The Wonder Years! Kevin learned some valuable life lessons!

To be totally honest, I have a huge crush on the dad!

5 Things I Miss The Most About Life Before a Baby

2014-08-03T17:41:00.003-04:00

When you have a baby, your whole life changes. Here's 5 things I miss the most about life before a baby.

Number 5 - Being able to go anywhere I want, whenever I want
Babies are super inconvenient. If I want to go anywhere without Dahlia, I have to find someone to watch her. Or, I have to change my plans. For instance, last month, we were going to take her to the movies. She was four months old, but very quiet. I knew she would just enjoy the movie and not make noise. We were going to see A Million Ways to Die in the West at around 10PM. We got up to the box office and they wouldn't let us purchase tickets to that movie because it was rated R and apparently you can't take children under 10 into rated Rs after like 6PM or something. So, we saw X-men and it was awful.

Number 4 - My Body
Granted, I never looked like the woman in the picture to the left, but I wasn't fat (even though I thought I was, why do women do that?). I went to the beach yesterday and wore a t-shirt most of the time because I didn't like my stomach. Not only do I have all this "baby fat," but I've got awful stretch marks. I mean, my stomach looks like Freddy Kruger's. Why hasn't science made a better remedy for stretch marks?

Number 3 - Sleep
Oh man, sleep. I miss sleep. I could sleep for 14 hours straight. Now, I can get maybe 6. Although, Dahlia did sleep through the night for the first time last night, fingers crossed that it wasn't just because she was tired from the beach!

Number 2 - Doing Whatever I Want
This one kind of ties in with number 5, but I'm more talking about taking a shower whenever I feel like it, not having to plan it around when she's sleeping. Or getting REALLY drunk just because. Now, I can only get a little tipsy. Or, even something as simple as lighting a stick of incense in the house. Before I do anything, I've got to think about how it will affect the baby.

Number 1 - Not Being Bothered in Public
I'm the type of person that does not like to be approached by strangers. I don't like being talked to and especially don't like being touched. A five-foot radius around me in a public space is perfect. But, with a baby, people are constantly coming up to you. It's like, just because you procreated, you're automatically assumed to be social. No. I liked one person enough to have sex with them, that doesn't make me a social butterfly and it definitely doesn't mean I want to talk to you about my baby. And people will ask you questions, "How old is she?" "How much does she weigh?" blah blah blah. It makes you want to scream,"Do you want to know how and when she was conceived, too!?!" Seriously. Why do strangers care about other strangers' babies?

So, that's the five things I miss the most. Can you think of anything I forgot? Please, comment below and don't hesitate to share this!

The Moro Reflex

2014-08-01T18:34:00.000-04:00

From the time a baby is born until they are four to six months old, they have something called the
Moro Reflex, also known as the startle reflex. This reflex causes the baby to scare her/himself awake and causes me to giggle myself stupid. It's usually funny, until it's 3AM and you're trying to sleep. The baby has the sensation of falling, causing them to wake up. The baby will throw their arms and legs out, spread-eagle, and arch their back, then curl back up into a ball. Loud noises and sudden movements can also trigger the Moro Reflex. Don't freak out, Mom! This is one of baby's first defense mechanisms. I know when I first experienced it, I thought something had bitten her. It happened a few more times, and then I googled it. Turns out, it's completely normal. Although some baby's have this more than others, Dahlia would always scare herself awake. The only real remedy for this is swaddling. Thankfully, they grow out of it!

Vaccines - Necessary or Dangerous?

2014-07-30T16:22:00.001-04:00

Getting your child's shots can be a stressful event for both of you. Dahlia is a great baby, so I had never heard her scream like she screamed when she got her shots. We were both in tears. I've been thinking about vaccines lately, we have to go get her next round on Friday. When Dahlia was first born, her vaccinations were a point of contention between her father and me. He believed she shouldn't get them because, "Who knows what the government is injecting us with." I believe that all of them should be received except flu shots and maybe the HPV vaccine. I think vaccines are truly a case of jumping off a bridge just because your friends are doing it. According to The Children's Hospital of Philadelphia, 85% of the world's children are vaccinated. That's just the children. But that also means that 15% are not vaccinated. So, let's say little Johnny down the street isn't vaccinated and neither is your little Susie. One day, Johnny and Susie hold hands. Unbeknownst to anyone, Johnny is carrying measles, but hasn't shown any symptoms, yet. Next thing you know, both little Johnny and little Susie are deathly ill.
It's all well and good for parents to think they don't need to vaccinate their children, but dollars to doughnuts, if you had the idea not to vaccinate, so did someone else. Like my mom says, it only takes two to tango. Another common reason parents cite for avoiding vaccinations is all the controversy concerning autism. Let me be one to say: VACCINATIONS DO NOT CAUSE AUTISM. There are tons of studies that show, not only do vaccinations NOT cause autism, but they can prevent the spread of infectious disease.

Although, I personally believe that some vaccines are unnecessary. For instance, the yearly flu vaccine. Do you ever wonder why it's a yearly vaccine? It's because the influenza virus has constantly shifting antigens, meaning it's essentially a different virus every year. So, while you're running to get vaccinated for what you think is this year's flu, the actual influenza virus has already changed, making your vaccine worthless.

There are also a few vaccinations that America has stopped giving out, like smallpox and polio. I don't believe this is a good thing. If you read the news, you might know that smallpox is actually making a comeback and polio still hasn't been eradicated in other countries. Maybe we should think about bringing these vaccines back.

What are your thoughts and opinions? Please leave them in the comments below, and don't hesitate to share this with your friends and family!

Absent-mindedness or Laziness? Thoughts on "Hot Car" Deaths

2014-07-28T17:31:00.000-04:00

In the news recently, there have been a string of "hot car" related deaths of children. I'm not sure if this is a case of the news hyping up something that has always been going on, or if these types of deaths really are becoming more frequent. But, either way, really? Here's an example of some of the stories in the news right now:
Wichita, KS
North Richmond Hills, TX
Atlanta, GA
Lancaster, SC
Ridgefield, CT
Ardmore, OK
Centuria, WI
El Paso, TX
Those are just a few examples of cases in the last month. My biggest question is, how? First off, you have nine whole months of preparation, of knowing you have a kid before it's even born! And most of these children are more than six months old. So, on top of that nine months, you had another 6+ to get used to having a kid and taking it out of the car. And then, one day, you just up and forget the last year or so of your life? So, is it malice, absent-mindedness, or just pure laziness? I know there has been a few times, when I want to run into 7-11 real quick, and I've been tempted to leave Dahlia in the car, but I don't. Hot cars aside, what about kidnappers? Kids have gotten abducted out of their driveways, so you're going to leave your kid in a parking lot? Anyway, it really doesn't take long for a car to become uncomfortable and some of these parents are leaving their kids in the car for hours. One case that I linked above, the child was left in the car overnight!! Where did these parents think their kid was all night?!? This Texas police officer made a video of himself in a hot car and he wanted to leave after 30 minutes, but forced himself to stay inside. Here's an interview with him about the video:

I feel preventing this from occurring is a responsibility set squarely on the shoulders of the parents. But, of course, not everyone feels this way. Many feel it's the responsibility of the auto manufacturers; "Death in Hot Cars: Why Can't the Automakers Prevent the Danger?" To which I say, bullshit. That's like blaming the company that manufactured your spoon for making you fat. The spoon company didn't do it, your eating habits did (unless you have a legitimate health problem, of course, but still, not the spoon's fault). Preventing these deaths is as simple as pulling your head out of your ass. So, my question to you is, do you think this is just a case of journalistic sensationalism, or are these deaths really on the rise? Leave your opinions in the comments below!

10 Great Things About Pregnancy

2014-07-26T17:36:00.000-04:00

Everything has a silver lining, and not everything about my pregnancy was awful. While I wouldn't want to be pregnant again anytime soon, here's a list of the ten greatest things about my pregnancy. Some of the points were in the sister post, 10 Terrible Things About Pregnancy. Life is funny like that, sometimes.

Number 10 - Preferred Parking

Unfortunately, I didn't get to experience this myself. I discovered the "Expectant Mother" spot at Publix after I gave birth, of course. Murphy's law strikes again. But, if I had seen it before I gave birth, I'm sure it would have been awesome!

Number 9 - Doctor's Appointments

This is one of the ones that's both good and bad. The doctor's appointments are a good thing, too. Mostly because there isn't much more exciting than seeing the baby during the sonograms and hearing it's heart beat. Knowing that you're healthy is good, too, of course.

Number 8 - Worry
Another double-lister. The worry can be good, too. If you're worried about what you're eating and exposing yourself to, the baby has the potential to be healthier. It can also drive you to do more research and find out exactly what you're getting yourself into.

Number 7 - Having a Heightened Sense of Smell

This one definitely deserved a spot on the other list, as well. I can't tell you how many times I've choked on people's rank cologne (Spray and walk away, people!) But, having the super-smellies can be a good thing, too. For instance, you can smell if meat or milk has gone bad through the package. And no one can lie to you about whether they've been drinking... That's really about it, actually.

Number 6 - The Nesting Instinct

The nesting instinct is a powerful thing. And nothing satiates it more than folding baby clothes, painting, and building your own personal diaper arsenal. Seeing all that stuff for the future baby and being prepared can be a great feeling.

Number 5 - Cravings

Another double-lister, cravings can be awesome. You can eat whatever you want and it doesn't matter, you're pregnant! Granted, they can get a little weird (I craved cheese and Spanish olives once), but satisfying a pregnancy craving is really the only thing that matters to you at that moment.

Number 4 - People Cater to You

This is a good one. If you don't feel like getting up, ask someone else, they'll totally get it for you! When you're pregnant, you get to embrace your laziness. No one gets mad at you for sleeping all day, you're creating life! Live it up while you can.

Number 3 - Having an Irrefutable Excuse

This one kind of ties in with number 4. If you don't feel like doing something or going somewhere, you're pregnant, you really don't have to! Don't want to go to work? Call in, you're pregnant! Best. Excuse. Ever.

Number 2 - Feeling the Baby Kick

Like the chest-burster from Alien, you have something alive inside of you that wants out. Dahlia was channeling a Cossack dancer in utero. I swear that girl bruised my ribs. But, when it happens, you don't really mind. It helps you feel more connected to the baby and can definitely ease your worry that something's wrong.

Number 1 - Giving Birth

Now, I can't say that there is absolutely anything pleasant about the actual process of giving birth, but the aftermath is pretty great. Holding your baby for the first time (once you're completely conscious, that is) is the greatest feeling. It's pride, accomplishment, love, happiness, and just a little bit of sadness all rolled into one. Also, you know that feeling you get after you take a really big poop? It's that, too (for, real, I popped a blood vessel in my eye). But after that, prepare yourself for at least two months of nightly hell. As a side note, never ever ever google image "giving birth." It does not show what one might think. Shame on you, Internet.

10 Terrible Things About Pregnancy

2014-07-23T18:31:00.000-04:00

I thought I would continue on in the same vein for now with another list. Each pregnancy is different, some are great and some are awful. I wasn't one of the lucky ones that glowed with the beauty of pregnancy. I was pissy, bloated, and felt ugly most of the time. So, here's a list of the ten worst things I experienced during pregnancy.

Number 10 - Morning Sickness

My morning sickness wasn't morning sickness, it was all day sickness. From the moment my feet hit the floor, I was nauseous. In case anyone that hasn't been "blessed" by a pregnancy is wondering, that is a horrible way to start the day. I think the only thing that was worse than the constant nausea and vomiting was people giving you all sorts of "solutions." Everyone seems to have their own home remedy for morning sickness and no one is afraid to share it with you. While that doesn't seem so bad, it gets tiresome telling people that you've already tried it or some variation thereof. In the end, you just have to grin and bear it.

Number 9 - Bloating/General Fatness

There is nothing more depressing than trying to slide on your favorite pair of jeans, only to realize you're officially forced into your first pair of mom jeans. The type with the elastic band in the belly. I waddled around feeling like a manatee. If you saw me, you could bet that my jeans weren't buttoned. None of your shirts will fit, either. Say goodbye to that concert t-shirt you got when you were 17, you'll likely never wear it again.

Number 8 - Cravings

Granted, sometimes the cravings are nice, because no one can or will deny you food. But, just my luck, I happened to crave something unattainable. My biggest craving was Fazoli's. If you're unfamiliar with Fazoli's, it's a kinda-sorta Italian fast food joint. Unfortunately, there are no longer any Fazoli's located in the Central Florida area. The closest one is in Valdosta, Georgia. If it was up to me, I would've driven to Georgia to get me some damn Fazoli's, but having car problems, I was stuck. Having an unsatisfied pregnancy craving is possibly comparable to light torture. Until you satisfy that craving, it's pretty much all you can think about.

Number 7 - Doctor's Appointments

In the first few months of my pregnancy, I was considered high risk. I was originally having twins and that places you in the high risk category. Because of that, I had to go to the doctor every two weeks instead of the normal every three. It can be very frustrating to have someone look at your vagina that often. I felt like the doctor could've at least bought me dinner first. And you're actually paying this person to make you uncomfortable.

Number 6 - People Touching You

Now, this only happened to me a few times. Apparently, I'm intimidating and not a lot of people have the guts to do this, but I've heard from other women that they're constantly getting touched. People, for some reason, think it's okay to touch your belly. If you're like me, this is horrible. Random people touching you is akin to running backwards through a cornfield naked. People, keep your hands to yourself.

Number 5 - Swelling/Numbing

Your hands and your feet swell. Your socks are all of a sudden leaving dents in your ankles. Your rings don't fit anymore. In my case, during the third trimester, my hands were constantly numb, which is very uncomfortable.

Number 4 - Worry

You're constantly worrying that what you're doing is affecting the baby. If you pick something up, you wonder if it was too heavy. You wonder if the greasy pizza you had is going to make the baby fat. Is that Advil you took going to affect the baby? This will keep you up all night.

Number 3 - No Drinking

I had just turned 21 when I got pregnant. I had just enough time to get a favorite liquor, then no more drinking. It was way worse when someone would drink around you, especially margaritas, my favorite. Talk about having fantasies of throwing a drink in someone's face!

Number 2 - Heartburn
Oh. My. God. Heartburn. I had it all day, every day. I carried one of the big bottles of Tums around with me everywhere. Once, I had it so bad that I couldn't stop groaning and crying, but I didn't have any Tums. Ben went to the 7-11 at 2AM and came home with every brand of heartburn medicine the store sold.
The old wive's tale is true, though. Dahlia had a full head of hair when she was born.

Number 1 - Giving Birth

Of course, giving birth is the worst thing about pregnancy. Other than the obvious, pain, it's the anticipation that kills you. Around my eighth month, I became determined to be done with it. I was so miserable, I would've tried just about anything to get her out. I walked and walked and walked to no avail. I jumped up and down, nothing. I tried to bribe the neighbor into letting me use their trampoline, but they refused. Finally, my mom convinced me to get a yoga ball. I bounced on that damn yoga ball for like a week, then it finally happened when I wasn't even trying. I was sitting on my mom's bed, I stood up, and my water broke (ruining one of the only pairs of jeans that fits me). After all the boring parts, once full blown labor started, I really don't remember much. I remember the awful pain. I remember screaming and cussing. I remember apologizing for being such a bitch and then screaming and cussing more. And I remember wishing I was dead. But, I wouldn't undo it for anything in the world.

First Post Ever: 10 Things I Learned as a New Mom

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To start my blog off, I thought I would make a top ten list. My daughter, Dahlia, is 5 months old and I'm a first time mom. I've learned many things about myself and life in general since I donned my first pair of mom jeans; some sappy, some funny, and of course, some scary. Here's just a few:

Number 10 - Immunity to nasty things

Having a child raises your gross tolerance exponentially. I can change a diaper, get poop on my finger, wipe it off, and move on. Before, I would have immediately went to wash my hands. I've become so desensitized, I actually caught cat vomit in my hand once (he was going to puke on the bed). Having baby puke in your hair will change your outlook on life.

Number 9 - Girls have adorable clothes

Truth time. I wanted a boy. So, it was hard for me to get into girl mode when it came to clothes. The first couple of outfits I bought for Dahlia could've been considered unisex. When I went to the store, I would automatically gravitate towards the boy section and have to remind myself that the baby was a girl. I thought I would never like anything that she could wear, but surprisingly, that changed, too. While my tastes have a more retro vibe, I've came to terms with Dahlia's gender and the clothes that go with it.

Number 8 - No sleep? No big deal.
I LOVE sleep. In Life Before Dahlia (henceforth known as LBD), I could sleep for 14 hours and still want to sleep longer. The first night after she was born, in the hospital, I realized just how little sleep humans need. After the 20 hours of labor, silly me didn't want the nurses to keep Dahlia in the nursery. I had to have my new baby with me. I think I got two hours of sleep that night. One of the most valuable lessons I've learned thus far? Sleep when the baby sleeps. I heard people tell me that in LBD and I just shrugged it off. But, it is the best piece of advice I have received.

Number 7 - Paranoia is a real thing

I think this is one of the worst things about being a new mom. You'll be lying there in bed, the baby in the crib, but you can't sleep because you are absolutely certain that the baby quit breathing. So, you get up, check, and of course, baby is still breathing. Whenever someone picks her up, I think they're going to drop her. Everyone is sick and contagious. There are kidnappers everywhere. Moms are paranoid about everything. I think this is one of those things that eases off with time, but never completely goes away.

Number 6 - The ability to tune anything out

You've seen this before. You're in a restaurant trying to enjoy your meal, when some set of asshole parents are just letting their little spawn scream. You think, " Don't they hear that?" The answer? No. They don't. As a stay at home mom, if I didn't learn to tune out screaming every once in a while, I would never shower or eat. Sometimes, babies cry for pretty much no reason. If there's nothing that can be done (i.e, feeding, diaper changing), you learn to tune them out to keep your sanity.

Number 5 - How much fun you have

If you would have told me a year ago that I could have fun with a baby, I might have laughed at you. But, sure enough, babies are fun as hell! Watching them discover all the new things around them is pretty entertaining. Making them taste things like lemons is also equally hilarious. I could spend hours making funny faces at her and watching her laugh. That's another thing, babies have THE cutest laughs.

Number 4 - Becoming Betty Crocker

In LBD, I wasn't exactly considered domesticated. Sure, I could cook and clean, but I wasn't in the running for Housewife of the Year. I had a job and worked 5 days a week. When I got home, I didn't feel like cooking dinner. But, becoming a stay at home mom changed all of that. Now, I want to look for new recipes and color swatches for new drapes. I could see myself being on the PTA and making Halloween costumes, ones that are more complicated than cutting two holes in a sheet. Becoming a mother makes you look forward to all of those little things like tying shoe laces and throwing birthday parties that don't feature liquor as the main course.

Number 3 - Paying attention to current events

I was never one for the news. I've always felt that I shouldn't become upset about something that I have no control over and the news is almost always upsetting. But now, I find myself reading articles about kidnappers and the recent string of hot-car deaths. Having a child made me more aware of the terrible things that happen to children in the world. Of course, watching the news also lends to the paranoia!

Number 2 - Patience

I almost made this number one because if there is anything I have learned, it's patience. In LBD, I wouldn't have tolerated someone screaming at me, puking on me, and then making me clean up their poop. But, patience is a virtue that I have finally gotten a little of.

Number 1 - Love

I never knew that I could love someone as much as I love Dahlia. Of course, I love my family and Dahlia's father, but that's a different kind of love, somehow. To love someone as fiercely and almost insanely as I love Dahlia is an entirely new experience. To be willing to give your life for another, that's some intense love.

Well, this concludes my very first post! I hope everyone enjoyed reading it enough to share it (hint, hint)! If anyone has anything to add to the list, feel free to comment below, and please stick around for more posts!