Moments in Greek Mythology

095 The Gigantomachy- the Korean War of Greek Mythology Part 1

2012-05-10T10:31:00.000-07:00

Everyone remembers the Titanomachy, you know the War of the Gods versus the Titans led by Kronos in which Zeus and the Olympians won to take over the world? Remember how when the Olympians won, they imprisoned and punished most of the Titans? Well it turns out that Gaia wasn't pleased with this, even though she was the one who wanted the Olympians to get revenge on the Titans for not releasing her children from the bowels of Tartarus. Zeus even released those who were imprisoned and they helped the gods in defeating the Titans. So what made Gaia more scorned than the queen of Mars after being dumped by a duck?

DAMMIT! Back to square 1... AGAIN!

Because after their victory, the Olympians had a lot of the Titans imprisoned in Tartarus. Gaia, who was about as much a smother as Floyd Pinkerton's mom, was very upset at this. Sure her hundred handers and cyclops children were released, but now the Titans were stuck in there! Seeing that she was back to where she started, Gaia vowed to destroy her grandchildren; with a vengeance that would prove to be even more terrible than the Pandora's vengeance against human colonists.

She would call upon the race of monstrous beings created by ironically, the blood of her former lover's castrated balls. These were the gigantes or giants for us lay people and they were meaner than a drunk Flyers fan seeing a Penguins fan. She also called upon the help of the "Father of all monsters" Typhon (wonder where we got the word Typhoon from?) and the "Mother of all Monsters" Echidna, who if you haven't guessed already were a married couple. This unholy marriage of these monstrous beings would make a marriage between Cthulhu and Cthylla seem like a happy occasion.

Aw yeah, that's something that I would like to call a wife.

It's because of these two bumping and humping that we got the following monsters:

1. Orthrus- the two headed guard dog of Geryon. (who was killed by Heracles)
2. Cerberus- the THREE-headed guard dog of Hades (Who was beaten and captured by Heracles, but lived)
3. Ladon- the many headed guard DRAGON of the Garden of Hesperides (also killed by Heracles)
4. The Lernaean Hydra- The multiheaded poisonous serpent and terrorist organization (Beaten by Heracles and Shield/Captain America)
5. The Nemean Lion- the nigh indestructible lion that terrified the people of Nemea (Oh God, Again killed by Heracles!!!)
6. The Sphinx- The riddling half woman half lion with wings monster that would have probably been a girlfriend of Ed Nigma (Talked to death by thankfully Mythology's Freudian nightmare, Oedipus and not the god damn Heracles!)
7. The Chimera- An walking abomination of a lion, a goat, and snake; which would make a ton of money on the sideshow circuit. (Killed by not Heracles, but Bellerophon on a Pegasus)

However for the time being, these monstrous offspring would have to be left run amok as the Olympians had to deal with their parents. Specifically, the Olympians wanted to get rid of Typhon, seeing as he was a hulking monster with serpents for legs, fingers, and hell let's just have his head be hundreds of serpents; basically he was Indiana Jones' worst nightmare. (However, he did have a human torso for some reason) So terrible was this monster that most of the gods themselves feared him, but Zeus decided to step up and take on Typhon.

I can take him out in a round or two

The first battle between Zeus was like Rocky I, only Zeus didn't really go the distance, did not get Adrian, or cause Typhon to want a rematch. (In fact it was more like the beginning of Rocky III or Apollo Creed vs Drago in Rocky IV) In fact, Typhon kicked Zeus' ass so hard that he ripped off the god's left arm off! But like the Black Knight it was only a flesh wound for him as he no sold it worse than John Cena and retreated to lick his wounds. (Though I think that bloody stump would not taste good at all)

But nothing but a little dismemberment would keep the King of the gods down, he would just have to retrieve the sinews back and get his arm fixed. (Because that's how the god's roll with horrible injuries like that) Zeus then prepared for battle yet again, but would he be up to the task? Would the Olympians collapse just as bad as the Pittsburgh Penguins are doing right now against the Flyers? Will I ever stop asking questions to make my blogs seem longer than they actually are?!

ROUND 2 FIGHT!
The battle was fierce as Zeus and Typhon squared off in a titanic struggle to determine the fate of the world. With each blow, tsunamis and earthquakes occurred and the world was being reduced to flames and rubble as the two continued the fight. Typhon threw MOUNTAINS at Zeus like Donkey Kong throwing barrels at Jumpman, but Zeus countered by spamming the thunderbolt worse than a protagonist in a Shmup.

Eventually, the hail of thunderbolts won out on the gigantic eldritch abomination and Zeus was able to defeat Typhon, but was unable to kill him. So in order to prevent the king of the monsters to rise up in vengeance, Zeus did the sensible thing and RIPPED A PIECE OF LAND and threw atop his defeated foe. This piece of land would later be known as SICILY! Unlike Cthulhu though, Typhon never went to sleep only to awake when the stars were just right.

Tradition holds that Typhon still lives under the island and it is pretty easy to find where his head is. Why? Well like the worst troll you can find on the internet, Typhon had the ability to spew vile hot gloop that we in the scientific world like to call magma, now when this magma leaves the Earth it is known as lava. (See where I'm going here) Now it just so happens that there is a place in Sicily where this hot stuff emerges from a mountain, so without the knowledge of Geology that we have today, the Ancients thought it was Typhon screaming as he is forever pinned by the hunk of rock that Zeus threw on him.

Don't think this is the end of the Giagntomachy now; the war between Gaia and the Olympians was just getting started.

I'm so glad that Metal has a soft spot for fantasy and mythology

094 Theseus and his buddy try to steal Hades' girl

2012-03-16T14:46:00.000-07:00

As we all know, Hades kidnapped the daughter of Demeter and made her his wife and queen. The consequence of this was the formation of the four seasons that we all know and love. Well one time, the slayer of the Minotaur and now king of Athens Theseus and his buddy Pirithous liked to chase the booty more than Dr. Frank N Furter, David Bowie in the 70s, and Lord Bryon.

Yeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhawwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!

In fact they became quite famous for their ability to abduct any woman that caught their eyes. Though being sons of Poseidon (Theseus) and Zeus (Pirithous) this comes to the surprise of no one. Their biggest caper was taking the daughter of Zeus and Leda, Helen! (They were kidnapping her before Paris made it popular.) Theseus got to keep Helen which made Pirithous quite upset since he didn't get to take her. Seeing his friend and comrade in arms so upset about this, he made an oath to help him to get any woman regardless of the case. What Pirithous told him for their next quarry reminds me why I will never make a promise to a friend again.

But before we get into this, a little background on Pirithous and how he exactly became Theseus' best friend and not just a guy who also shared a love for the female gender. Pirithous was a prince of a group of people known as the Lapiths who lived in the valleys of Thessaly and he had heard of the courage of the Athenian king. He decided he wanted proof of how tough Theseus actually was. So like a Socrates' gadfly, Pirithous devised a sinister plan to get Theseus angry at him. Steal his cattle!

Oh you've done it now!

Now most of you guys are probably laughing about Pirithous pissing off Theseus by stealing his cows, but you guys got to realize that stealing was tantamount to George Clooney and Brad Pitt robbing casinos. Cattle in this society was a valuable piece of the ancient economy and to have it stolen would mean that Theseus couldn't get some money for his hoes.

Pirithous drove the herd all the way up to Marathon and soon afterwards Theseus came a knocking. The two fought for a bit, but soon they got so impressed by each others skills that they decided to lay down their arms and make an oath of friendship. (Those Greeks loved doing oaths for everything) Thus the two became like Robin Hood and Little John, except with more rampant depravity and more kidnapping. Now let us get back to who Pirithous wanted to kidnap this time.

Pirithous told his friend that he wanted to go literally to hell itself and kidnap Persephone, the QUEEN OF THE UNDERWORLD. Naturally when he said this, Theseus was like, "Um dude, you sure you want to do this, no offense, but this is a stupid idea that is going to get us killed." but his friend would not relent and Theseus was honor bound to follow through with his promise. (In case you didn't know, the Greeks took oaths VERY seriously)

Pirithous, I am never going to make an oath with you again

So with help to find their way to the nearest hell portal and were able to avoid the Cerberus and payed Charon a one way ticket to the palace of the dead. Once inside they went over to the throne room and found Hades waiting for them. Hades was sitting down on his throne like Loki after taking control of Asgard, but he was very amiable to the two heroes and invited them for dinner.

Like any good host, he engaged the heroes in some small talk and like any good Bond villain he revealed that this was a trap, but not like any good Bond villain he made this trap inescapable, much like the Liontamer. See it turns out that Hades knew what the two were planning and this had all been a ruse to punish them. He told them this and then asked to get up from their seats.

Much to their horror, when they tried to get up, they realized that they were stuck in the chairs as Hades did his best Hannibal Lector impression to reveal their fate. He told them that they would forever be stuck in these chairs as punishment for trying to take his wife and that as long as they sat there they would forget everything about themselves. Hades then laughed like he was Mark Hamill as he left them to their fates. Story over? Not quite.

Well I would like to stay with you best friend, but I got some fine tail to meet back in Athens!
After a few years another hero would descend to the Underworld, but not to steal the Queen of the Dead, but to take the guard dog. Yes, it was Heracles that saved Theseus and note why I only say Theseus here. It wasn't Herc being a douche, but because trying to pull Pirithous would cause the Earth itself to crumble.
After pulling Theseus out, he tried to pull the other out only for the ground to shake violently and for Hades to come out and basically tell him, "That man tried to take my woman, he is going to pay for that, Theseus wasn't completely culpable, so he can go." And so, Theseus returned to land of the living and got back with his new love Helen right? As Kevin Spacey would say WRONG!!!!!

While Theseus was out of the loop for all those years, the Gemini Twins (Seriously sounds like a great tag team) went over to Athens and got back their sister and also Theseus' mom to throw some salt on the wounds. So in closing this blog remember this little nugget of intelligence: Always make sure to know your friend's crazy scheme before you decide to make a blood oath. Now here is Mark Hamill laughing for 4 mins.

Yeah Hades got nothing on Hamill

093 Immortality Without Eternal Youth Turns You Into a Cricket

2012-02-17T14:35:00.000-08:00

Remember a few weeks ago when I told you guys the story about Selene and Endymion that revolved around a goddess giving a young man eternal youth while making him sleep forever? Well the reason that Selene did this was because she saw what happened to her sister and her lover in today's story. A short, tragic story about not choosing your words carefully. (Much like me when I get on a rant involving sports teams) This is the story of Eos and Tithonus.

Is that the morning dew, a cool breeze or her breast milk? YOU BE THE JUDGE!

Just like any other love story, Eos fell in love with Tithonus in a love at first sight deal like Tony and Maria. While raising her rosy cheek to brighten a sleeping world and made her rounds until her shift ended around noon when she gave her post to Helios/Apollo. (The movements of the Sun and Moon were basically a continuous relay race) During the time she pouring the morning dew on the ground, thus making my life miserable when I have to get the newspaper for my dad on barefoot, she saw a youth walking around the plains of Ilium.

His name was Tithonus and he was the son of the Trojan King Laomedon, who was as you guys probably remembered the king who ripped off not only Poseidon, but also made the poor decision to also rip off Heracles who took this in a not so nicely way. Anyway, Eos fell for Tithonus who was about as pretty as 90s Leo DiCaprio and about as cut as Batman.

Get away from me! I got my rape lyre!

Now madly in love with this boy she chased after the youth as he played his lyre in a quiet field. The young prince was reluctant to be swooped up by this strange lady chasing towards him and so he ran away faster than Chowder seeing Panini! It was all for not, because there was no escape from a goddess and her new boy toy, soon he was caught and Eos took him away to Olympus. (There is also another version of this story that says that she took Ganymede also.)

Damn... she got my other arm... can't use rape Lyre!

Once in the palace of the gods, she showed off her new boyfriend like a piece of meat. The gods, having kidnapped more women and men for love than the times Bowser captured Peach, were like, "Yeah you got a hot new boy, I have like seven now." Upset that no one cared, but not that upset to dump her new boyfriend, she dragged poor Tithonus to her chambers for some Snu Snu. (Actually why should I feel bad for this guy?)

After that was over and both were laying in the bed smoking like Elizabeth and the Monster, Tithonus fell in love with Eos. Now a respectful couple that would rival Superman and Lois Lane, the two would spend an eternity together, but poor Eos would make a terrible decision that would forever sour this relationship.

Did I mention that I hate you?

See after becoming a couple, Eos wanted to make it their love last longer than King Oberon and Queen Titania's. So she went up to Zeus and asked for the power to make Tithonus immortal to which he said, "Sure I'll make him immortal, I always like having strapping young men living near me." However, Eos soon learned a hard lesson in being careful what you wish for.

Tithonus was made immortal all right, but she forgot one little insignificant detail... GIVING HIM ETERNAL YOUTH! Yes he would live with her forever, but he was going to still age normally and then get more decrepit as the eons went by. Now to why Zeus couldn't go back and give him eternal youth, well I guess it is a bigger mystery to why Reed Richards doesn't give us the cure to AIDs and Cancer.

KILL ME *CHIRP CHIRP* FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

Despite this horrible development, the two remained a couple and had two kids: Memnon and Emathion. Memnon we'll get to eventually, but basically he was a warrior king in Ethiopia who fought and died helping the Trojans in the final year of the Trojan War. Emathion on the hand was also a king of Ethiopia and got himself killed by Heracles. So in a way Emathion was the Jannety to Memnon's Michaels.

As he got older and older, poor Tithonus started to make the CryptKeeper look like Adonis! Not only that, the once young prince of Troy began to shrink and turn into a scrawny wretched excuse for an human being. Unable to see her boyfriend like this, Eos decided there was only one option left, she used her powers to turn her love into a grasshopper/cricket/cicada.

And so ends the story of Tithonus' horrible fate, but to give you an even bigger downer ending than the ending to the series finale to Superman The Animated Series I want to leave you with this little tidbit. Whenever a cricket chirps it means that Tithonus is meekly asking to die. But hey we got a X-Files episode named after him and some poems in the 1800s about him. Now to leave you guys with some music:

Ain't this some mellow tunes to get the idea of every chirping insect in the world crying in vain to kill their suffering away?

092 Two Giant Brothers want Artemis and Hera, it ends badly for them

2012-02-04T10:25:00.001-08:00

Remember how Orion was a giant hunter son of Poseidon who had the hots for Artemis, but eventually got killed by her albeit accidentally? This is a similar story except their are two giant sons of Poseidon and Artemis doesn't really click with them as she did with the giant hunter in the sky. This story also has Ares shoved into a jar, so that's a plus also since everyone wants to see Ares in pain or humiliation.

Yep another day, another rape, god it's great to be all powerful

So yeah Poseidon, doing his sea god thing, noticed a beautiful woman named Iphidemia who of course was some royal chick from the city of Aloeus. How did Poseidon pick up this chick? By getting at her when she least expected it! While she was sunbathing on the beach, she decided to stand at the edge and let the waves hit her. So being sneaky like a Sly raccoon, Poseidon was able to impregnate her when the seawater touched her, well you know. (Hey, I guess it was to explain why waves are so foamy)

Anyway, nine months later she gave birth to twin boys, whom she would name Otus and Ephialtes. Because they were born in Aloeus, as they grew up they would be also known as the Aloadae and by grow up I mean fast. As if they were dipped in a vat of the FEV these two boys grew at a rate of 9 fingers (I'm sorry for the weird unit of measurement, but that's what wikipedia is giving me) a month! By the time that they were NINE years old, they were nine FATHOMS tall! (That is 52 feet btw)

As you can imagine, they were pretty fucking tall by the time they were young adults, but it should be noted that the two were nowhere near as beautiful as Orion. In essence they were the Kalibak to Orion's Orion and were upset about the probable parental favoritism that their step brother got from Poseidon. (And god is it hard to make a DCAU when the character has the same name; also I made that last part up and don't know if it is true.)

Oh you think we can't get up there? Prepare to eat your words Zeus!
Being the giants that they were, the young brothers had more anger and aggression than James Harrison being told that Roger was going to be fined for hurting a QB's self confidence because he rocked him like a hurricane. But I'm getting off topic, so let's get back on track. The brothers grew not only in size, but in their ambition, this led them to hatch an incredible plan.

They were going to storm Mount Olympus and then take Artemis and Hera for their wives. Otus would get Artemis and Ephialtes would get Hera. The plan to get to Olympus was not some over complicated plan like an Ocean's 11 casino heist, but pretty straightforward.

I am of course referring that these brothers were going to rip off two MOUNTAINS and pile them up on Mount Olympus (Yeah the palace of the Olympians wasn't actually on the physical summit of the mountain) to reach the home of the Gods and go on their merry kidnapping/raping way. However, before they could do this, they found a God just as hot headed as them to kidnap.

DEAR GOD GET ME OUT OF THIS THING!!!

This god was of course everyone's favorite Greek god to hate, Ares. The God of war must had said something that pissed the two off because as soon as they got the chance, they ringed him by the shirt and stuffed him down a large bronze pithos. (storage jar) Like Satan in John Carpenter's Prince of Darkness, Ares wanted out and he was going to go pull off the mother of all temper tantrums.

He screamed and he yelled in his bronze prison, but like sympathizing with a victim in an EC Horror comic it's so hard for us to feel sorry for this bastard. Now for how long was in this jar? 13 months or a whole Lunar year stuffed in a hot storage jar and Ares probably came out a little bit ripe. Now the only reason why Ares was let out was because of two reasons:

1. The brother's step mom, Eriboea, decided to go up and tell Hermes that the boys had Ares.

Damn it I thought friendly fire was turned off!

And 2. that Artemis offered herself to Otus in exchange for Ares' freedom.

Much like the famous story when Thor had to crossdress as Freyja to kill the giant Prymr to get his hammer back, this was a plan by Artemis to get Ares back. How? Well as soon as she was given to Otus, Ares was released, but soon Ephialtes became envious that his brother got what he wanted, yet he did not have Hera.

Soon the two began to argue, which led to a screaming, and then eventually leading to the two fighting. Seeing this as her opportunity, Artemis turned herself into a doe and began to look like she was going to flee. The brothers saw this and got back on the same page to stop her. They readied their spears and tried to lock on the fast doe, but they immediately regretted throwing them when they did.

That's because they threw them when Artemis was running between them! She of course was able to dodge the spears and led to the brothers impaling each other, thus completing the prophecy that the brothers would only killed by themselves. Artemis then returned Olympus, Ares took a shower for a couple of years, and Poseidon kept on raping/impregnating women with his foaming waves.

Since I couldn't find a metal song about this story, here is one of the song's from Age of Mythology titled "Adult Swim"

Wait I never heard this during the AS Bumpers!

091 Selene loves Endymion, makes him sleep forever

2012-01-23T07:43:00.001-08:00

It's time! No it's not Vader time, but another Greek Mythology love story, yay! This is the story between the personification of the moon and a shepherd. Sound like an unlikely romance? Well considering that shepherd had to spend a lot of time looking over the flock in the night it isn't hard to think that the Moon goddess would fall in love with him.

Gods these lambs are lazy, I always have to carry them all over the place

Our herding hero in this story was a handsome hunk named Endymion who would work the late shift in herding sheep and goat. Like a hobbit in The Shire, Endymion quite enjoyed working the flocks in his Arcadian paradise; never getting the ambition to want to do some better paying job.

Being young, he was able to stay up late to watch over the herd and strong enough to beat away any would be predators or thieves. He was quite good at his job and would always be trusted by the other shepherds to work at night. So in essence he was the Eddie Riggs of Ancient Greek husbandry, he was never the showoff. (Then again being a good shepherd doesn't really give you the right to be a showoff)

He was credited for being the first human to observe the movements of the moon. However, by doing this and being the beautiful youth that he was, this would directly lead him to be the unknowing lover of the moon that he so carefully watched in the star filled skies.

It's images like this that has me hearing classical music in my head for some reason.

Selene was the goddess of the moon, though most assume that was Artemis, who's parents were the Titans Hyperion and Theia. This is probably because neither of her parents sided with the Titans during the Titanomachy so they weren't punished when the Olympians took over.

Her brother was Helios, who became the personification of the sun, while her sister was Eos, who was the personification of the dawn. After the divine twins of Apollo and Artemis came along, they took over the roles in a sense that they were the bosses over Helios and Selene. Basically, Artemis and Apollo were the Garret twins and they were the escorts.

Selene was in charge of driving her chariot which was pulled by either oxen or two serpentine dragons over the course of the night. The chariot itself was the moon or "pulling" the moon, but the imagine of a beautiful maiden driving a chariot pulled by dragons is distracting me in its awesome metalness.

Hey kid with the butterfly wings, turn off the lights!
While making her rounds one night, Selene caught her eye a hunky shepherd all by himself in a field. She fell in love with the youth like WALL-E seeing EVE for the first time. Nothing else mattered, she had to have him be her lover.

So like any stereotypical teenage chick with a crush, what did she do? She resorted to stalking of course! Yes Selene was acting like Brainy from Hey Arnold! (Albeit without the creepy breathing patterns and that she only got to see this shepherd boy at night.) However creepy it may seem to us modern folk, she was still a goddess and if we called her out on it she would probably cause us to lose our minds and become lunatics.

It's like necrophilia, except he is still alive and not cold!
While she was ogling him one night, a sudden depressing thought came up in her head. That thought was the thing that both god's and mortals fear in their love lives, aging. And as someone who was emotionally scarred of this because I watched the Bicentennial Man at a young age, I can kind of relate with Selene here.

To prevent this, she went up to Zeus, who of course was Endymion's father and asked him to give his son immortality in the form of eternal youth. Zeus granted her wish, but not in a way she expected, for Endymion would be forever eternally youthful, but he would also be put into an eternal sleep. (And this was Zeus' kid for heaven's sake!)

After Endymion was in this eternal stupor, Selene would visit her Prince Valium every night in a cave at Mt. Latmus and then would have sex with his sleeping body. (Glad to know one part of his body was awake) Through this Endymion fathered FIFTY children with Selene and thankfully for him, he was about as awake as me watching Andy Warhol's Empire all the way through in its entirety. These offspring between the moon goddess and Endymion would go on to be called the Menae, with one of them being the nymph Naxos who of course was the reason there is an island named Naxos.

And so our story ends, with the moon perpetually being with her unknowing lover who has slept longer than Cthuhlu and has no chance to ever wake up no matter how the stars are aligned. To end this I found this metal song from a Finnish Power Metal band called Sonata Artica. Enjoy

Man I'm glad that I kind find at least one metal song about the myth I'm talking about.

090 Orion dates Artemis, turns out Apollo was a clingy brother

2012-01-13T12:38:00.000-08:00

Orion was a giant hunter who can walk on water so much that Jesus would get jealous! Hell he was such a bad ass hunter that he would be hunting Yautja instead the other way around. Hell the Yautja might as well have made their home planet orbit around the star Alnilam! (The middle star in Orion's belt) However, Orion was going to find out that the god of the sun did not like men getting close with his sister.

Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto!

When I last talked about Orion he got drunk, a king blinded him, and he needed the help of a robot to lead him the sun rise to restore his sight. Unfortunately, Orion never got his revenge on the king who blinded him and eventually got over it. And so like a giant water walking Teddy Roosevelt, went to look for some more animals to hunt. (God the animal lover losers today would hate this man)

You know I don't want to turn you into a stag
While hunting in some woods in Greece, the goddess of the hunt caught sight of him. Now even though Artemis loved men as much as Number 86 liked boys, she found herself smitten with him. Why? Because she saw something in him that all the other men she had met before didn't; a equal.

The two were meant for each other like Bonnie and Clyde or the Sacred Thebean Band because both were equally skilled in hunting. Both could cause more mass extinction via hunting than Permian event and soon it seemed that Orion would be the one to pop Artemis' cherry, but as it turned out Apollo didn't like her sister falling in love with other men.

Bring it on!!!!
See Apollo liked the fact that Artemis generally hated men because all that untapped love went all to him. So when he saw his twin starting to get close with the giant son of Poseidon, he saw a threat in keeping all his sister's love for himself. The god of the Sun decided to devise a plan to make the two lovers into the biggest star-crossed lovers until Romeo and Juliet came out!

He needed a way to get Orion killed without making it look like it was his doing, but since Deadpool didn't live at the time, he would need something more subtle. His choice, a giant fucking Scorpion, which isn't really subtle in my world, but I guess the Greek gods live in another reality when it comes to subtlety. Hell if he wanted a scorpion, just get this guy:

FINISH HIM!!!!
This giant scorpion was about as destructible as Wolverine, nothing and I mean nothing could kill it. Heck it wouldn't even bleed so you definitely couldn't kill it. Apollo thus sent his giant thick shelled arachnid after Orion when he wasn't chillin and huntin with Artemis.

Orion was at the moment more than pleased with fighting this massive arthropod that would make facing a group of giant radscorpions with only a 10 mm pistol a cake walk. Orion brought out his weapon of choice, a bronze club, (Because giants are somewhat obligated to using only clubs and say a sword, but maybe it costs a lot to make a giant sword) and started to wail on that bug, but he would soon learn that, blunt weapons do shit all against heavy armor.

For the first time, Orion realized he was the hunted, much like Sanger Rainsford when he found himself on an island with a mad Cossack aristocrat. Orion was left with no option but to flee to sea where the scorpion couldn't reach him. This was all apart of Apollo's grand Batman Gambit as we shall see for it wasn't his intention to have the scorpion to kill Orion, but Artemis herself! (Oh the irony, it is simply delicious!!!)

Que long "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooo" here

While hunting on some random island, Artemis was greeted by here brother who issued a challenge. Out in the distance there was a object glinting in the water. Apollo said that he bet Artemis couldn't strike that object with her arrow from here. Artemis scoffed and accepted reading her silver bow and shooting out an arrow at the gleaming object. She of course nailed the target, but would be in a rude surprise when she flew over to see what she hit.

What laid floating in the sea was the body of Orion, the silver arrow that brought instant, but painless death had struck the giant in the head. Artemis wept over his body as she took it up to Olympus to mourn over it some more. Needless to say, the divine twins didn't talk for a while and eventually Artemis decided to give her lover and equal the greatest gift of them all; immortality.

She wasn't going to raise from him the dead and let him live with her forever. No that is something Jesus would do, she decided to transmorgarize his body into stars and formed the constellation Orion. Not to be undone, Apollo took the Scorpion and created the constellation Scorpio. Now Orion was a winter constellation and as the summer began, Orion would slowly fall into the ocean as the Scorpio constellation goes above it. And so ends the story of Orion from mortal being to immortal constellation. And unlike Orion Studios, the Orion constellation still remains.

Now some Metallica!!!!

089 Greek Mythology and Culture - Renaissance Paintings

2012-01-06T12:04:00.000-08:00

A new series idea for Moments in Greek Mythology, I look at a few examples of stuff that is inspired by Greek mythology. Then I describe the creator, the myth it's inspired from, and then give my general impressions of the overall work. (In my typical snarky commentary of course, this still is MIGM after all)

Shhhh... Zeus is going to rape you after he finishes painting pretty butterflies

Our first painting comes from an Italian painter not named after a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, Dosso Dossi. (Yeah that doesn't flow as good as Leonardo) He was born in the village of San Giovanni del Dosso and was part of the Ferrara School of Painting. His name was actually a pseudonym, much like the great American author Samuel "Mark Twain" Clemens or most professional wrestlers, and his real name was actually Giovanni di Niccolo de Luteri. (I can see why he decided to have a pseudonym, think how long the signature would be!)

Not much is know about his early life or training, his father was a Bursar, a financial administrator, for the Dukes of Ferrara. He could of trained with Lorenzo Costa locally or went to Mantua where he was known to be in during 1512. (He was born in 1490 by the way)

Now back then, being an artist was considered a viable job by parents and not some useless hobby that cartoons like to use as a device in creating conflict between the artistic son and his parents who want practical talent out of their kid.

Any who, the reason why this was a lucrative job was that the kid wasn't going to be some starving artist like Stephen Dedalus was because the people giving the art commissions were the royalty of the land. To be specific, Dosso would spend his remaining three decades of life working for the Dukes Alfonso I and Ercole II d'Este, eventually becoming the principal Court Artist. (So no he wouldn't be starving like David Gilmour in the mid-60s)

Now for the work itself, it is titled Jupiter, Mercury, and Virtue which was painted in 1524 and tells a story about you guessed it; Jupiter, Mercury, and Virtue. The story is a bit obscure, but from what I've heard from using the Google it goes like this:

Virtue and Fortune got in this quarrel; distressed, Virtue set off to Jupiter to ask for his aid, but she was stopped by Mercury who told her that the king was busy. It turns out being busy was that the Lord of the Sky was painting wings on butterflies and making cucumbers blossom. (I didn't know that they did blossom)

In this painting, Dosso sets up the scene where Mercury prevents Virtue as Jupiter paints pretty butterflies though this could have been just a way to get chicks who liked the sensitive type. The figures are done in that typical Renaissance style, bringing a more realistic humanistic approach in painting people. The background gives the viewer a sense of depth which was also a major innovation that the Renaissance brought back to painting.

Like a manga, the artist wants us to look at the painting from right to left and then leave us fixated at the figure of Jupiter. Now this is probably not a surprise, but the figure of Jupiter might actually be a self portrait of Dosso; however, like Stan Lee in basically every Marvel film ever created, artists liked to make small cameos in their works.

So what do I think about this painting? I like it, the scene is portrayed well if again look at from right to left and the qualities of the overall work is what I enjoy most out of High Renaissance paintings. Plus in researching this painting, I found a nice little story that I never heard about. Then again, like Plato's Atlantis, it might have been some fabricated story, like any form of media that has told me that creationism is true or that the Easter Bunny.

Your helmet is so big!

Next up is Titian the Venetian and his work Venus, Mars, and Cupid which sounds like a cheap porno from the 70s that the Snob would review if there was such a thing as Greek Mythsploitation. Born in either 1488/90 as Tiziano Vecelli, but simply known in English as Titian; he would become the most important member of the 16th century Venetian School of art.

At the age of 10-12, he and his brother Francesco were sent to their Uncle in Venice to find an apprenticeship. They found their masters in Gentile Bellini and then later his brother Giovanni Bellini, who were at the time the leading artists in Venice. So this is like learning how to play the guitar by Hendrix or learning music from Bach; clearly these two apprentices were destined for success.

Eventually he became an assistant to fellow upcoming artist Giorgione, but as soon as contemporary critics began lauding Titian's work over his peer, a rivalry soon began ala Ash and Gary. Over the time in his early career he copied the subjects of Giorgione, but eventually would break into his on and become the premier master of Venice.

After his rival died in 1510 at the age of 32 and Giovanni soon afterwards in 1516, Titian found himself unrivaled in the Venetian School. This period between 1516-1530 is considered Titian's period of mastery and maturity; this was Beethoven in his prime, this was Muhammad Ali in his prime, this was Kurt Angle at his best! And this fresco was done at the very end of this period.

Venus, Mars, and Cupid is a scene of passion between the goddess of lust and the god of war with the god of love watching like Bluto. Again it is done in that humanistic style and having background present some depth, but unlike the Dosso's work, its obviously more erotic.

There is that classical passion going on this work, as Mars holds his woman and while kissing seems to be trying to get some shall we say, "stimulation" our of her. The scene is obviously based on the much talked about affair between the goddess Venus and the god Mars much to the chagrin of Greek Mythology's Quasimodo, Hephaestus. (Technically Vulcan if we are using the Roman names) Though funnily enough, this affair was about as transparent as Rob Halford's sexuality.

Anyway my thoughts on this painting? I find it a good representation of why Titian is considered an artistic master of the Renaissance, though there are better paintings to show this. It portrays eroticism that I haven't seen since... wait I have an account on Deviantart.

Thank god for conveniently long hair!
And now the final painting in this experimental blog is one that anyone who took an art history class in High School would know. The Birth of Venus is considered the masterpiece of Alessandro di Mariano di Vanni Filipepi, but we know him better as Sandro Botticelli. Botticelli was such a master artist that it is amazing why we didn't have a fifth member of the TMNT named after him.

Born in the birthplace of the Renaissance, Florence, Botticelli became an apprentice at the age of 14 to the painter Fra' Filippo Lippi and a lot of Botticelli's early works have been attributed to his master. Influenced by the monumentality of the works of Masaccio and it was from his master that he learned a more intimate and detailed matter of painting. In other words, Botticelli was pulling a Samurai Jack and learning from multiple sources to become a master artist.

In 1486, Botticelli created this masterpiece above us, The Birth of Venus, which captures the mythological birth of Venus from the sea and her landing in Cyprus. The figure of Venus is of course the center of this entire work; almost framed in by the figures around her representing the Graces on the right and the wind who blows more hot air than a DC Lobbyist.

Venus undoubtedly represents the ideal woman, like Marilyn Monroe in the 50s or Angelina Jolie today, and shows that men still liked blondes back then. The painting isn't as realistic as the other two examples because that style took a couple of more decades to develop.

What do I think about this painting? Well considering its position as a masterpiece of the Renaissance I would say that I give it that, but its not one of my favorites. I don't really like the style and much prefer the later paintings in the High Renaissance than the early ones like this. Anyway, this is where this new blog ends, feedback would be appreciated and maybe I'll do a few more of these.

No I don't know what they are saying, it just came up when I searched "Birth of Venus song"

088 Athena and Poseidon fight over the city of Athens (guess who wins)

2011-12-23T12:55:00.000-08:00

And to start off with my new format of doing these blogs every other week, I'm going to do the story about how Athens got its name. Now like I said two weeks ago in my Atlantis blog, I've been to Athens, sure it was four hours of quickly driving to see all the ruins, but at least I got to see this:

And right where I think Pope John Paul II stood for a pic

The Parthenon symbolizes the Ancient Athenians' divine connection with their matriarch goddess and namesake, but how did their relationship with the Goddess with more jobs than Barbie come about? Well it stems from a competition between Athena and Poseidon over a nice little city named Cecropia.

I am the lizard king!!!

Before the competition, a quick history of Cecropia, the city was named after its king Cecrops who looked like Carl after he put on that Mummy's headdress; because he had snake tail for a lower torso. He was said to have been borne from the earth itself and was able to rule justly over this city that was quickly named after him. (Don't ask me why the people didn't have a problem with having basically a naga being their king)

Cecrops was the first to institutionalize marriage, setup statues and altars to the gods, and offer sacrifices to the gods. He was also the first to deify Zeus and ordained sacrifice to him as their supreme god; he would also make a rule that no more living things be sacrificed. Finally he taught the people the art of navigation, which any sea faring race like the future Athenians would need to know to create a naval empire.

Overall, Cecrops was one of those good rulers despite being more scaled up than Jafar. As the little city of Cecropia grew like a fine oak, the gods began to take notice of the city and several wished to become its Patriarch/Matriarch. Eventually, it came down to Poseidon and his niece Athena who wanted to fight for this in a good old "wrasslin" match for the Raw main event.

However, before Vince could get the deal finalized, Zeus decided to cancel that arc quicker than the whole "who killed Mr. McMahon?" storyline in 2007. Instead, the King of the gods said the patronage of Cecropia would be decided in a civil contest that would be decided by Cecrops and the his people. (Like the Male Judges in Into the Green Yonder, the decision was basically decided by the king though)

Hey thanks for the spri- OH GOD ITS SO SALTY!

First, Poseidon came up onto the Acropolis and struck a rock with his mighty trident like a man stabbing a fork into a hard piece of steak. Bursting from that rock did sprang a spring of water, but there was a problem; it was saltier than Jim Cornette's use of language.

Poseidon then told the king that the spring was more symbolic and that this city would become a major sea power, but this was probably just Poseidon trying to half ass an excuse for why he gave them a salty spring. Cecrops wasn't fooled, but the idea of his city becoming an even bigger trading and naval empire was very appealing. However, he still was going to give Athena a chance before he would make his final decision.

Basically this can do anything, enjoy
When her turn came up, she went over to the nearest temple and planted the first domesticated olive tree. She then explained to the king that this tree would provide wood, oil, food, and a commodity that could be traded throughout the Aegean world.

Seeing the practical applications of the olive tree over the impractical salty spring, Cecrops decided that Athena was the clear winner in this contest. After he said that Athena had won, Zeus, who's booming voice could give BRIAN BLESSED voice a run for its money, declared Athena the official matriarch of Cecropia.

I guess the meal is coming in because you just got SERVED!!
Needless to say, Poseidon didn't kindly to losing this contest and to make matters worse he lost to a woman which would be like if a KKK member lost a contest to anyone not a WASP. However, in a rare act of magnanimity from the god who had a shorter fuse than Uncle Phil, Lewis Black, and Kane combined; Poseidon allowed the people of this city to keep his gift even though he lost.

Soon Cecrops and his people in an act of appreciation to their new patron goddess renamed the city to Athens and constructed on the Acropolis a great temple to her. (Not the Parthenon of course, since the temple I'm talking about was built way before then)

Now there can be some deeper meaning to this myth than a mere, "this is how we got our name for the city" story. Some scholars have construed that this story was built as also a representation of the battle between matriarchal religious societies and patriarchal religious societies, with Athena representing females and Poseidon representing males. Also a another fun little tidbit of information:

Yep just hope to god no one invades or I'm screwed
There is an olive tree on the Acropolis which I for the life of me failed to notice when I was up there (Or I just failed to see its significance) that is said to have been related all the way to that first olive tree that Athena planted. Every time after an invasion of some kind or when it was accidentally destroyed, it would be replanted as somewhat a sign of Athenian pride.

The last time it was replanted was by a group of Americans in 1952 after the one before it had been destroyed by Indiana Jones favorite mooks, the Nazis. Anyway I'll leave you all with this clip from one of my favorite shows that I just got into, Qi. Let us gaze in amazement as Stephen Fry breaks his brain.

Oh poor Stephen

087 Atlantis sinks because they are as arrogant as Flyers Fans

2011-12-09T07:52:00.001-08:00

Stories of ancient cosmopolitan civilizations being destroyed is not unique to Greek Mythology, but the story of Atlantis is by far the most famous of these myths. This is an interesting entry though, since this myth was actually created by the famous philosopher Plato after a trip to Egypt.

Much like the "myth" of Slenderman, the whole story of Plato was a fabrication of his imagination based on the historical destruction of the city Helike and the island of Santorini. (First was destroyed by an earthquake and tsunami and the other was destroyed in the famous Thera eruption) Plato said his idea stemmed from from a visit to Egypt by the legendary Athenian lawgiver Solon in the 6th century BC. In Egypt, Solon met a priest of Sais, who translated the history of ancient Athens and Atlantis to him.

Plato, pointed upwards more times than Sin Cara

Whatever the inspiration, Plato wrote his story in his masterpiece The Republic as basically a morality tale about what happens when your civilization degrades into total decadence. And like the myth of Sodom and Gommorah, the point was to get the reader or listener to realize if cities devolve into non stop hedonism and orgies, the gods themselves are going to glass it more than a Covenant spaceship.

Now where is Atlantis? Well according to what Solon learned, Plato claimed it was in front of the "Pillars of Heracles", which as we all know is located at the Strait of Gibraltar. Of course over the years people far and wide have their own theories of where this mythical city lies. I recommend watching the History Channel since they seem to never shut up about it. (Along with Hitler, UFOs, and Ancient Aliens)

Because when I think History Channel, I think of Crazy men with crazy hair talking about how the pyramids were built by Aliens. I'll stick with History 2 thank you very much.

Anyway the idea that some sort of Atlantis did not exist isn't as far fetched as that guy's hair. Atlantis itself is a metaphorical city, but was somewhat based on actual disasters. The first one I mentioned was the destruction of Helike in 373 BCE, which occurred in Plato's lifetime.

Note that this used to be under a lagoon for over 2000 years!

The city of Helike was located on a few kilometers away from the Gulf of Corinth, but on 373 BCE that all changed with an earthquake. In one day the entire city was rocked by a earthquake and swallowed up by the ensuing tsunami. None of its citizens survived and the Spartans lost 10 ships docked there. An effort involving 2000 men tried to recover the bodies, but was unsuccessful.

Soon the reasoning of this disaster turned to the wrath of the gods, specifically Poseidon; who was the god of not only the seas, but also Earthquakes. It turns out that the people of Helike refused to give back a statue of Poseidon back to its owners in Ionia; (located on the Southeastern coast of Turkey) not even giving them a model of the statue to them. (Some claimed that the Helikians even murdered the Ionian deputies who came for it)

Now Poseidon had a temper that would make all of Joe Pesci look mellow and because of this slight to the Ionian people, he struck the earth with his trident and caused the earthquake. And so there you have it, one event that inspired Plato to make the story of Atlantis. Ironically the city of Helike, much like the city of Pompeii, was seemingly forgotten and regarded as mere myth until 2001 when it was rediscovered.

May I quote a certain Black Scottish Cyclops? "KA-BOOM!"

The second location that probably inspired Plato is a place that I can proudly say that I've been to. Due to all the protests and riots that occurred Greece at the time of my excursion in the Mediterranean, (The Summer of 2010 to be exact) our wonderful cruise-line had to change the trip so I didn't get to see Mycenae and only spent 4 hours in Athens, but I got to see the sickle like island of Santorini.

But this island wasn't always shaped like that, in fact it was once a whole island, but there was a sleeping giant bigger than the Ents. Back then it was called Thera and it was inhabited by a race of people known as the Minoans who were a pretty advance race back in the early Bronze Age, but weren't advanced enough to see that they were living on a giant volcano.

Sometime around the mid Second Millennium BCE there was a massive eruption, bigger and more violent than a teen popping a huge zit on his back. The Minoan settlement of Akrotiri was immediately lost and covered up in volcanic ash, but the effect's of the Thera eruption reached other parts of the world.

The main hub of the Minoan Empire in Crete, who had experienced a terrible earthquake recently, received some minor ash fall and tsunamis, but it was the economic impact that devastated the Minoans. Soon after the Thera eruption the Minoan Empire fell to the warlike Mycenaean Empire and the Egyptians soon wondered why those traders from that Minoan Empire never came back. Thus the idea of Atlantis started to form in the minds of Egypt.

Yep that's a lot of rings

Now according to Plato, Atlantis was the perfect Utopian empire; its colonies spread throughout the entire globe that would not be met until the British Empire and Steelers Nation. It was also a highly advanced civilization that seemed to master it's tech tree faster than anyone else around it. The main "continent" of Atlantis was described as having alternating rings of canals surrounding it looking like the artistic impression above.

So yeah Atlantis was an impressive empire and the pinnacle of civilization where people lived to 200 and everyone lived in bliss and relative peace. What caused it to go down the tubes? Arrogance and decadence of course!

Yep we dun messed up

As time went on in the people of Atlantis began to get more and more depraved as they began to become more arrogant than Flyers fans. They soon thought they were better than the god's themselves and stopped worshiping them. The gods seeing this blasphemy and impiety decided to unleash the thunder more than a metal concert.

"...In a single day and night of misfortune, the island of Atlantis disappeared into the depths of the sea." This is what Plato said about the ultimate fate of Atlantis in The Republic, where the gods (More than likely the combo of Poseidon and Zeus) said, "These Mofos want to abandon us? Well they can do that under the sea!" There were earthquakes, volcanoes, and tsunamis which absolutely raped Atlantis like a little boy in Jerry Sandusky's personal shower room. (Topical!)

After all that was said and done, Atlantis sunk into the ocean, lost forever were it's technological achievements and empire. After the fall of Atlantis, its colonies; whom at this time were being more mistreated than a drunk redneck's wife, decided to rebel and form their own nations. Soon these former colonies would become the civilizations that would create what we know as the Ancient world.

And so this blog ends, turns out it became more of a history lesson on Ancient disasters, but then again this "myth" was a mere fabrication by Plato to teach an Aesop. So to end this blog I present the opening scene to one of my favorite 2D Disney flicks which is as terribly underrated as Treasure Planet. Here it is, the beginning to Atlantis: The Lost Empire.

God why did this movie have to bomb?
Oh and PS: Screw the Flyers and their dumbass neanderthal fans

086 Castor and Pollux vs the Twins of Thebes

2011-11-18T08:31:00.001-08:00

Moving on from the story of the Golden Fleece, let's look at what happened to two of the Argonauts after the great adventure. Like Animal House, Greek Mythology had a tendency to do a little "Where are they now?" type myth.

After their Bogus journey with Jason, Castor and Pollux returned to their homes, but soon they had to save their sister Helen. Helen of course would be famed for being the "Face that launched a thousand ships" in the Trojan Cycle, but like Princess Peach, she had been captured before by a familiar face.

Damn it you Minotaur slaying son of a bitch, get your hands off our sister!

Yes between his adventures of fighting the Minos' bull/son and rotting in Hades for a couple of years; Theseus decided that he needed a queen. (What Ariadne wasn't good enough for you Theseus?) So pulling a Bowser, Theseus kidnapped Helen back to his kingdom in Attica.

When Castor and Pollux heard what had happened to their sister, they were hellbent to get her back; which would be something that Wolverine would do to save her "little sister". The twins lead an invasion of Attica and were not only able to take back Helen, but also like a RED Spy took Theseus' mother with them. (Making Theseus the Scout in this story)

The twins also placed Menestheus on the Athenian throne as a rival to Theseus, who was probably still crying that his mommy was being a made a slave in Sparta. Aethra, the mom, was forced to become Helen's slave, but would eventually be returned home by her grandsons Demophon and Acamas following the Fall of Troy.

Speaking of the Trojan War, you know that the Dioskouroi inadvertedly allowed Paris to kidnap their sister? It was all because of a feud with another set of twins which would make the Hatfield and McCoy family feud look like a mere brother sister slap fight.

Oh just because we are taking these babes forcefully it's rape?
The Twins had fallen in love with twins Phoebe and Hilaeira like Dean and Hank Venture lusting over the Quymn Twins. However, the Leucippides ("Daughters of the White Horse" Who was the name of their father Leucippus) were already betrothed to another set of twins from Thebes; Lynceus and Idas.

Castor and Pollux didn't really care about this and basically did what Theseus did; carrying away the sisters like King Kong back to Sparta. From this forced relationship, Phoebe gave birth to Mnesikles and from Hilaeira came Anogon.This is what began the feud between the four cousins, because as we all know; Greek families are more dysfunctional than the Simpson's.

Gods how did we fall for that old trick!

In Arcadia, the cousins decided to put that whole "you took our fiancees away from us" incident and decided to go on a family bonding experience that the Ancient Greeks liked to call Cattle Raiding. After the successful raid, they butchered, quartered, and roasted a calf like some sort of post-football game celebration.

As they went around passing the pieces of beef, the gigantic Idas suggested that they split the herd in two instead of four, based on which pair of twins could eat their meals the fastest. Castor and Pollux of course accepted the challenge and began a good old eating contest like that one episode of Hey Arnold.

The contest was quicker than a punch by Bruce Lee, because Idas quickly ate his meal and his brother's. Defeated and humiliated worse than if the Steelers lost to the Browns, they were in no mood to only keep half the herd, o they allowed their cousins to take the whole lot. However, the Gemini twins swore that they would gain their vengeance for this travesty like the aforementioned Steelers absolutely murdering the Browns later on the season.

Thank the gods Castor and Pollux are busy with their cousins, eh Helen?

A few weeks later, Idas and Lynceus visited their uncle in Sparta, but he was just about to leave for a trip to Crete. He left Helen in charge so you know what that means, a wild party not seen until the advent of teenage TV sitcoms! The guests included both Castor and Pollux plus a certain prince from Troy; who was planning to take Helen back home.

Seeing a chance to get revenge, Castor and Pollux came up with a good enough excuse to leave the feast. They planned to go to their cousin's farm and steal that herd they were duped out of. Eventually Idas and Lynceus decided to return home early, which left Helen alone with Paris and as they say, "The rest is history."

Why horse hovering, it has no wings!

Meanwhile, Castor and Pollux had reached their destination and began stealing the heard. While Pollux began to free the cattle, Castor climbed a tree and like a robber in heist, was left on lookout duty. Far away, Idas and Lynceus approached and Lynceus, who could see in the dark like Sam Fisher, noticed Castor up in that tree and told his brother what was going on.

Idas, furious as a bull, ambushed Castor and mortally wounded him with his spear, but Castor was able to give a warning to his brother before dying. In the ensuing brawl, Pollux was able to kill Lynceus and it was just Idas and Pollux to meet in a final showdown.

It was like Col Mortimer vs El Indio facing off in a duel to the death, but there too would be Man With No Name to tip the favor to Pollux. For just as Idas was about to strike down Pollux, Zeus came down with a lighting bolt in a Deus Ex Machina not unlike the ending to the Bad Seed.

You think we should get these protrusions checked out brother?
Nah.

After being saved by his father, Pollux rushed over to his dying brother to be with him, but Castor died in his arms like Eponine died in Marius' arms. As Pollux grieved over the death of his brother, Zeus pulled the booming god voice from the clouds Ala God from The Ten Commandments; and offered his son one of two things.

Either he could ascend to Olympus like Dr. Dave Bowman and remain there for all eternity, or he could give half his immortality (Castor was the mortal son and Pollux was the immortal son) to his brother. Not wanting to be separated from his brother for eternity, he chose the latter option.

And so the brothers alternated between Olympus and Hades, much like Peresophone. Finally, the brothers were reunited when they were placed into the heavens as the constellation Gemini. They became the two brightest stars and emblems for immortality and death. And so our story ends and I need a break from this so here is some classical music; I'll be taking a two week vacation before writing another blog.

Good old Classical music

085 The Quest for the Golden Fleece- Jason Screws Up and Medea goes Crazy

2011-11-11T06:05:00.001-08:00

And now for the very depressing end to our hero Jason and his wife Medea that would make the life of DCAU Mr.Freeze seem peachy keen! In a aversion to the classic trope of Finders Rulers, when Jason killed his evil uncle ~~Scar~~, I mean Pelias, Jason didn't just magically become the king of Ioclus. Instead Jason and Medea were driven away by Pelias' son Acastus who became the new king.

So what's her name and when are you leaving me for her?

The remainder of the Argonauts and Jason were exiled to the city of Corinth, where they were welcomed by King Creon and given rooms in his palace. He was upset for not fulfilling his destiny which would be like if Percy Jackson got mad his quest was taking too long reach the goal. (Then again, he had to complete those quests at the last second it always seemed.)

Jason nevertheless grit his teeth and needed to find a way to gain some power in Corinth and make himself the king of Ioclus. And what better way to gain a power base than the old marrying the daughter of the king trick? Well, the problem Medea, she gave more in this relationship than Mr. Gosh, and she would definitely not be happy if Jason ditched her for Creusa.

Jason went on with it and proposed to the daughter of Creon, who accepted and had her father pay for the wedding. Medea was not happy at all when she heard of this, in fact she would have a bigger what the hell hero speech to her husband than Arcade Gannon when the courier decided to join the Legion.

Here's a gift for marrying my husband, I recommend putting it on right now

She brought up all the times that she saved him and his crew and all the sacrifices she went through to be with him. Jason then coldly retorted that he did not need to thank her, but the Goddess Aphrodite for making Medea fall in love with him in the first place. This caused Medea to become a woman scorned to levels unheard until Kill Bill Vol 1 was released! She was going to get some payback on Jason for breaking his promise to be with her forever.

Medea began her revenge by giving Cresua a dress as a wedding gift and apparently an act of no hard feelings to the would be fiancee to her husband. Her lying skills would make Loki teary eyed, because the dress that she gave to Cresua was in fact cursed. (Never accept gifts from a witch or someone involved in the dark arts)

She convinced Cresua to wear it and as soon as she put it on, the curse was unleashed on the poor woman. The dress stuck to her and began burning Cresua to death; as she screamed in pure agony that only Mrs. Lovett would know, Creon tried to pull the dress off his only daughter. Unfortunately for him, Creon was also lit on fire by the dress and both died from the fiery wrath of Medea. She wasn't done however.

What the hell is wrong with you woman?!

See for the years that they were together, Medea and Jason had three kids during the stable years of their marriage. At this point, Medea was about as sane as a protagonist at the end of an HP Lovecraft story so she really wanted to stick it to Jason, by murdering her own kids! It turns out in her insane thinking, Medea thought that by killing them, she would be protecting them from getting murdered or enslaved for her recent actions.

She didn't need magic powers to get close to her kids, but she still only was able to kill the twins with a knife. The eldest, Thessalus, was able to escape and tell his father what had happened, but by the time that Jason returned to his house; he was shocked at the scene that laid before him.

He saw the corpses of his two young sons and then saw his mad wife, her face as cold and dark as Wednesday Addams. She was in a chariot driven by black dragons that was a divine gift from her grandfather Helios. Jason only got to see his wife give him the evil eye as she fled Corinth for Athens. What exactly happened to Medea afterwards is up to interpretation, much like the Joker's backstory.

"Well at least I have you Peleus."
"Yeah I got nothing better to do."

With Medea gone and the Corinthians not exactly happy with the husband of the woman who murdered the king and her daughter. Jason decided it was about time that he fufilled his destiny and take the kingdom Ioclus from the son of Pelias. (And I thought I was a procrastinator)

With the help of his crew member Peleus and his famous Myrmidons, Jason was able to defeat and kill Acastus to finally take back his rightful place on the Ioclus throne. However, his reign would be rather short because of his greatest mistake; breaking his promise with Medea.

Even Hera, who had been with Jason from the start, left him because of his betrayal to his wife. (Knowing who she was, did Jason really not expect this?) He would live his remaining years lonely and unhappy; a depressing fate for the once great hero, but then again he brought this upon himself like Macbeth.

His death was particularly funny if you like that gallows type humor. (And who doesn't?) Walking alone on the seashore, he found himself staring at the decaying remains of The Argo. Filled with sadness of all the misery that had come his way after completing one of the greatest quests, he decided to sleep on the stern of the ship. While he slept, the rotten ship collapsed and killed the hero instantly.

In a fitting end to Jason he died with his ship and the Argo died with its captain. And so ends the tale of Jason and his quest to find the Golden Fleece, his relationship, and then his fall from grace. I hoped you enjoyed this foray into an epic and I hope to do another. Next week I'll find something to write about that is a hopefully less depressing, but of course Greek Mythology is all about tragedy. Anyway, I'll leave you guys with this:

Always have to play some metal

084 The Quest for the Golden Fleece- Jason returns and Pelias' daughters are morons

2011-11-04T13:06:00.000-07:00

King Pelias was quite shocked to find that Jason was returning alive with the Golden Fleece as I was shocked when Bruce Willis was actually a ghost the whole time. (What a Twist!!) Hell, he thought the Argo had sunk and told Jason's imprisoned parents that his son had failed and was dead. Instead of holding to hope like Penelope from the Odyssey, they folded like Padme from Star Wars and decided to chug down the poison. (Glad my parents would never act that way)

You have no idea what crap I went through to get this.

So Pelias had no aspirations of holding up to his end of the bargin and in fact planned to murder Jason. However, like any good Bond villain, rather than having his men just kill Jason and his band of men as soon as they landed. (Then again, rules of hospitality prevented this probably) The king ordered to have Jason and his crew escorted into his palace so that the Fleece could be given to him.

Jason came in with all the swagger of a Superbowl MVP, but who could blame him? He presented his uncle the Gilded MacGuffin and handed it over to him. Now Jason was waiting for Pelias to return his end of the bargain, but the king refused to step down from the throne. Jason was livid, but he knew when to back down, his men were outnumbered and outgunned; however, he did not lose hope in completing his destiny. The king was also smart enough not to bring up about his parents' suicide, because he didn't want Jason to go all Inigo Montoya on his ass.

Turns out Pelias was really Dennis Hopper all along!

Again, you would think that Pelias would just murder Jason to assure control of his own destiny, but that is a big no no in Greek Mythology. Anyway, an idiot ball must have activated somewhere nearby, because the king allowed the man destined to kill him to live.

He even allowed Jason to live in his city, I mean come on there is being hospitable and then there is being a complete moron! The Amoeba Boys are more villainous than this guy! What is even more funny is that Jason doesn't even directly murder Pelias, but rather his wife does most of the work.

Ow stop with the stabbing and the mutilation Glavin! (Since when did Pelias become Professor Frink? I have no idea!)

Medea decided that since she had sacrificed so much for this one man than Harley Quinn, might as well kill the man who was holding the throne from her hubbie. More of a Raven than a Starfire, Medea planned her plan to kill the king, but even then she wasn't going to kill Pelias directly.

Medea was able to introduce herself with the daughters of Pelias and wowed them with her magic sorceress powers like Marry Poppins. She started with the easy stuff and gradually doing more complex feats much to the amazement of the Peliades. And like a Ancient Zatanna, she saved the best trick for last.

Medea claimed to the girls that she could take an old ram and make it a young lamb again, to which the girls laughed like I would if someone said that the Flyers are a good team. Medea just smiled like Tim Curry and conjured up a old ram, chopped him up, and then chucked the pieces into a stew pot. She then said the magic words, "klaatu barada nikto" and out of the pot a young lamb popped out!

The girls were ecstatic at what the witch from Colchis had done and immediately asked her to do the same thing to their father. Medea now had a slasher smile that would give Jack Nicholson a run for his money as she told the girls that they could do the trick too and their daddy would be a young man again. (Or you know, a baby)

So they got the pot filled with hot water and they picked up some knives and went over to their sleeping father. Before Pelias could wake up and scream "Lizze Borden!" this basically happened to him:

And just in time for Halloween!

Yep, those little Peliades chopped their father into many pieces and did the same thing that Medea had done to the ram. Except nothing happened when they said the magic words and it wasn't because they mispronounced that last magic word.

It was because the girls failed to notice that before the spell had begun, Medea had slipped a special herb that would rejuvenate the old ram. Because they did not have this herb, their father remained a bunch of fleshy pieces in a stew pot. The king had been finally killed, done in by the boy with the single sandal who brought that witch with him.

If you think that Jason could now ascend the throne and this adventure all babies ever after with Medea, you would be dead wrong. (What do you think this Greek story is, Perseus?) Because Jason wasn't going to ascend the throne like Prince Caspian because Pelias had a son.

Well guys, I got nothing; you want to hit up Corinth?

Acastus, the aforementioned son, took control over the throne and immediately declared a Sideshow Bob-like vendetta against Jason and Medea. Jason quickly got out of Doge and found himself exiled from his destiny; ending up in the city of Corinth.

While in Corinth Jason and Medea would be safe from the wrath of Acastus, but as they remained in exile like two Dwellers from Vault 13. However, something would happen down in the city of Cornith that would make this story more depressing and tragic than the fanbase to the Twilight series. The quest for the Golden Fleece was over, but as with a lot of stories, there are epilogues. (Not the Animal House kind either sadly)

083 The Quest for the Golden Fleece- Taking the Long Way Back

2011-10-28T10:42:00.000-07:00

It should have not taken long to return back Iolcus with the Fleece, but like the Griswold family on vacation, a fairly straightforward journey becomes a long one because of side adventures and fate blowing a raspberry in their faces. Also it didn't help that Medea committed fratricide because the god's don't take to kindly to that behavior. Zeus decided to punish the Argo with a storm that would dwarf the tempests of Jupiter! (Get it? Jupiter is the Latin name for Zeus, god I'm clever)

"You know Medea, I got a bad feeling after you killed your brother"
"I'm sure it's nothing Jason, say what's that ominous black cloud out on the horizon? Is it getting closer?"

And so when the winds finally died down, Jason and his crew were more lost than a Pens fan in Philly. While they were gaining their bearings, Medea had a special prophecy for the ship's helmsman, Hikaru Sulu. Oh okay, his name was Euphemus (the guy who could walk on water, remember?) and Medea predicted that one day he would rule what is now modern day Libya. However, that has nothing to do with the story now does it?

Eventually they figured out they weren't out at sea, but actually a river! The Danube to be exact and instead of turning around which would them out to sea, Jason ordered them to keep rowing forward. How long before this would bite Jason in the ass more than WCW when they spoiled Foley winning the WWF championship, let's find out.

"Great plan Jason, I suppose you will have us carry this hunk of wood across these mountains"
"What a brilliant idea Pollux!"
"Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu"

Eventually they reached the Alps and there was no more river to row through. They still didn't turn back though since I guess Jason has more pride in his decisions than Lucifer himself because he was going to get the Argo past these mountains and find another river to sail through. Like Hannibal, Jason would soon find out how difficult it would be to cross the Alps and they didn't have The Murray (Oops I mean Heracles) to single handedly lift the Argo on his shoulders and carry it.

After weeks of dragging a wooden ship across the mountains, they finally found another river which was the Modern Day Rhone river. Finally they could get back to sailing and rowing instead of making the prequel to Fitzcarraldo. Soon after sailing south they were back in the sea, but had no idea where they were. They needed to stop for directions and what better person to ask than the witch who likes to turn people into animals.

Hi! I promise I won't turn you into swine!

They landed on the small island of Aeaea, home to the daughter of Helios, Circe the sorceress. Now this was before the Odyssey and way before she forced Batman to sing, so maybe the Nymph was much more mellow back then. She didn't turn any of them into pigs or other beasts, but then the Argonauts had Medea who was just as powerful as Circe. Sadly, she didn't try to make Jason sing some good old big band song as payment for her help, but oh well at least she got CM Pu- I mean Batman to.

Batman should have sung songs for Fallout New Vegas, god knows that soundtrack needed more music
Really Circe was quite helpful for Jason and his crew, proving that she was more like the Trickster than the Joker if you can catch my drift. Hell she even cleansed them of the murder of Absyrtus and effectively cleared them from the wrath of the gods. Just before the crew left, Circe gave some vital information for how they would reach Ioclus.

Umm Orpheus? A little help here?

The important advice that Circe gave was that we would not be able to make it back to Iolcus without the music of the Argonauts spoony bard, Orpheus. Why? Because they had to pass by the islands of the Sirens, beautiful nymphs who sung more seductively than Tim Curry, David Bowie, and Barry White combined. Their powerfully sexy songs induced sailors to jump overboard and swim out to the Sirens, only for them to meet a watery death at the hands of the deadly women.

Only the rocking tunes of Orpheus could overcome the seductive singing of the evil Sirens and as the Argo sailed past the three tiny islands where they lived, Orpheus began playing his lyre. Orpheus played long and loud, his fingers moving faster than Landon Ricketts gun drawing hand. Seeing the crew disinterested, the Sirens came closer, trying to get more attention than Norma Desmond, but to no avail, Orpheus had defeated the Siren's song with the power of rock. (And if Brutal Legend has taught me anything that is not a force to be reckoned with)

Orpheus I don't suppose you can play us out of this predicament?

After defeating the Sirens, the Argo and her crew had the cross the strait between Sicily and Italy, little did they know about the danger that lied ahead of them. Because on each side of the strait was a terrible monster and no safe way to pass between them.

On one side you had a giant maelstrom of endless hunger that would dwarf the black hole of sexual depravity that exists in the man known as Lordkat. Then on the other side was the horrible sea monster with four eyes, six long necks equipped with grisly heads, each of which contained three rows of sharp teeth. Her body consisted of twelve tentacle-like legs and a cat's tail and with four to six dog-heads ringing her waist. (Jesus and I thought Rosie O'Donnell was an abomination of a woman)

Basically Jason was faced with a Kobayashi Maru situation in which either situation would lead to death of his crew or the destruction of his ship; luckily for him, he would receive some help. Thetis (Mother of Achilles) and her 49 Nereids saw the trouble brewing and offered to help them out. Jason immediately accepted their offer and the daughters of Nereus got to work.

They got in position, 25 on the entrance of the strait and 25 on the exit. Then, first 25 dove under the keel of the Argo and got a good grip of it before using all their strength to make that ship fly like the Juggernaut in Age of Empires! The ship soared past the whirlpool and sea monster and safely landed into the arms of the other 25 Nereids. Waving good bye to their saviors the Argo continued it's long journey home.

Damn, this trip must have taken long, because they seem to be in the Middle Ages now!

Turns out that the winds were quite wild in that region of the Mediterranean, because the Argo and her crew were at their mercy. After weeks of going in all sorts of directions, none of them being straight, they landed on the Island of the Phaeacians. This is where Jason and Medea finally decided to tie the knot after more sexual tension than a cheap afternoon soap opera.

Now that they got that little detail finished, they were nearly home, but the last stop was going to be the most dangerous. Why? Well because of:

Giant Metal Man!!!!
They landed on Crete, unbeknownst to the giant bronze sentry that destroyed all who trespassed, accident or not. Another of Hephaestus' creations (Man Heph would make a killing if he opened a company called Giant Metal Creations of Doom Inc) this giant brazen man was fueled with a single vein of Ichor (the golden blood of the immortals) that extended from his brain all the way down to one of his legs were it was capped off with a nail in the heel. (Gee, I wonder where it's weakness is)

Wait, what are you doing here Heracles and Hylas?
While ashore, Jason and his crew watched in terror as this gigantic automaton stomped its way down to the beach. They made sure to avoid its grasp, because Talos liked to grab its enemies and rub them against its sun soaked chest, burning them to death. Since however Talos such a obvious weakspot that would make a videogame boss blush, he was easily defeated not by Jason or the Argonauts, but by Medea. (The reason why it was Jason in the Ray Harryhausen film was because they hadn't even reached Colchis by the time they met Talos)

She was able to sneak her around the clumsy giant and able to pull the pin that capped that vital vein. Soon all the Ichor flowed out of the bronze man and soon he was effectively "dead". Not wishing to stay any longer on this island, the Argo set sail on course to finally reach Iolcus.

Meanwhile, I can only assume Hephaestus went back to the chalkboard to work on the T-1000 sentry Mark II, now with TWO veins and maybe not having such an obvious weakspot. Anyway now that I brought it up earlier, let's see how the 1963 film killed Talos.

God, you sadly never see special effects like these any more :(

082 The Quest for the Golden Fleece- Taking the Fleece and getting the Girl

2011-10-21T06:15:00.000-07:00

In their quest to find the Golden Fleece, Jason and his heroic crew repopulated an island where the women killed all their males, met the king of the Dolionians, killed a tribe of giants, lost Heracles, killed the king of the Dolionians, killed another king in a boxing bout, saved King Phineas from Harpies, and crossed the Clashing Rocks. After a few other stops along the way, (including losing the seer Idmon to a boar in Bithynia) they reached Colchis.

Damn that's a tiny dolphin

The guard of the city came out to confront this foreign ship, but allowed Jason and his crew to enter the city; their king wanted to speak with them. Jason and his crew were lead to the palace of King Aeetes, who was the current holder of the Golden Fleece. He was not an evil man, but he was just not going to hand Jason the Golden Fleece without a test.

Jason accepted the challenge, but asked for a couple days rest for his crew and to be able to resupply the Argo. King Aeetes allowed the request and had Jason with Argonauts comped with the finest rooms in his palace. (As per tradition and the rules of hospitality) Here, Jason would find the girl of his dreams and the solution to all his problems.

I'm sorry that I don't have a spoonful sugar, because this stuff tastes horrible

Before he would met his "Princess Aura", (I use that reference lightly since Aeetes wasn't really evil) he was actually depressed ever since he was presented with these tasks. After all the trials and tribulations that it took for them to get their, Jason was actually discouraged with continuing? This would be like if Indiana Jones went through the three trials, met the knight, and when told to choose the right grail say, "Man, getting here was hard, but this is just impossible! Screw this I'll get my dad a doctor!"

Hera noticed that her so called hero was a sadder excuse of humanity than the entire Philadelphia Flyers fanbase. Thus, she needed something to give him the confidence to continue his quest; so she planned to pull out the old "Give the hero a hot woman who will give him back his confidence to complete the task" trick. (Always a foolproof plan)

Hera summoned everyone's favorite living aphrodisiac Aphrodite and then persuaded the goddess of love to help her. The queen told Aphrodite to get her spoiled brat of a son Eros out and get Aeetes' daughter, Medea, in love with Jason. As soon as the princess saw Jason moping in his room, Eros struck her with his love inducing arrow and immediately she was madly in love like a cat and a bag of catnip.

She went over to the sulking hero and began seducing him like a whore from Gomorrah. Now he might be depressed, but Jason is still a Greek hero and having a woman fawn over him would make get his confidence back. She told Jason that she knew all the tricks it would take to complete these three tasks, because not only she was beautiful as Helen, but she knew magic like Zatanna! (Okay more like Circe, but you get the idea)

Khalkotauroi- talk about a long name for a couple of brazen firebreathing bulls

The first of these three tasks was like many of these types of challenges, an incredible exaggeration of an otherwise mundane task. (From hunting deer to cleaning stables, nothing can escape being made epic by Greek Mythology) Jason had to successfully yoke and then plow a field with the two legendary bulls of Colchis, the Khalkotauroi. What makes this task hard though?

Well the name Kkhalkotauroi is Greek for "Bronze Bulls" and I'm not just saying they looked bronze in color, these were actually made out of bronze. These two gigantic beasts were gifts from Hephaestus, who gave bronze death machines out to mortals like candy; terrible firebreathing candy. Did I mention that these two bulls breathed flames out of their mouths?

No one had been able to do this task because, not only were these bulls more ornery than that bull from the Looney Tunes, but also anybody that tried was burned to death. (You ever seen that alien get lit up in the John Carpenter classic The Thing? Yeah burned like that) However, Medea knew how to create a secret ointment that could protect Jason from the flames.

The next day, Jason went down to the fields as all the citizens of Colchis coalesced to watch this man get incinerated. None knew however, that Jason had already applied the balm, thus he was protected from the flames as he yoked the bulls and successfully plowed the fields. The crowd was impressed and shocked, but Jason still needed to complete two other tasks.

Yes I know that is Cadmus

The next task was a direct result of plowing the fields, (Giggity) Jason had to now sow the fields with dragon teeth ala the myth of Cadmus. And like that myth, when he planted those teeth, soldiers popped out, and were prepared to kill him. But Medea again helped him beforehand to get out of this pickle.

She told him that to defeat them, he needed to get them to fight each other like a zombie getting hit boomer bile. Just as they were about to charge at Jason, he quickly threw a rock in their midst and being the dumb warriors that they are, decided to kill each other because each one thought the other threw the rock. (Much like any food fight in a stereotypical American Middle School) After all that was said and done, Jason stood triumphant and the city of Colchis had been stunned once again.

However, since this story was most likely aped from that Cadmus story, I feel that for once, our popular culture has made a superior version of what happened. Nothing says awesome like skeleton fight!

AWESOMENESS!!!!!

Now only one task remained and that was actually getting the Fleece from the sacred tree where it was guarded at all times. Not by mortal men of course, but by a dragon/serpent that was always vigilant and killed all that tried to steal the Golden Fleece.

Not going to be so sleepless now are you?

Like most dragon guardians in Greek Mythology, these beasts slept like Data and by that I mean they never slept. These monsters didn't even need to drink or eat and when they ate, they were eating anything foolish enough to try and steal what they guarded. While his fate in the effectivness of these tasks was wavering, King Aeetes nevertheless had full confidence that the dragon would kill Jason. (I had the same confidence in the Steelers winning the Superbowl last year XP)

But once again, Medea had a solution for Jason, she created a sleeping potion that would impress the Sandman. She had given it to him earlier and told him that all he needed to do was pour the potion on the dragon and then he could take the Fleece. Jason carried it with him as he walked up to the sacred tree of Ares, the Golden Fleece was going to be his if he could just defeat this dragon.

He quickly took out the sleeping potion and poured it on the dragon, much to the surprise of the citizens and the king. They didn't know what was happening, but when they saw the dragon fall down unconscious they knew it was over. Jason waltzed over to the tree and took the Fleece, but surprise Russo swerve!

U mad?

Turns out King Aeetes was evil and he was not going to hold on to his word and just get his army to kill Jason and his Argonauts. Nowhere has there ever been a shocking heel turn since, except maybe Michael Cole's turn in 2010. Now Jason, Medea, and their crew had to get the hell out of Doge and escape the military might of Colchis.

Wait this is wrong! Let's cut him up first!

Jason, Medea, and his crew were able to reach The Argo, but not before Medea killed her brother Apsyrtus and had his corpse brought along with them. (Man and I thought my sister didn't like me) The Argo began making it out to see, but Aeetes and his navy were in hot pursuit. Unfortunately, the Argo didn't have a button that could go to ludicrous speed and Aeetes' fleet was getting closer, but they did have the corpse of the King's beloved son.

Thus, Medea came up with a grisly way to distract her father and that was by cutting up the body of her brother more times than the Captain Rhodes in Day of the Dead. After cutting him up, they chucked the pieces out to sea and because Apsyrtus was made out of ivory soap, the pieces floated across the sea. When the king saw the pieces of his son floating around he stopped picking up every single piece to give him a burial. And so the Argo was able to escape with the Golden Fleece, but Medea's actions would incur the wrath of the gods and the journey back would not be so straightforward.

081 The Quest for the Golden Fleece- The Birdhags of Salmydessus and the Clashing Rocks

2011-10-14T06:23:00.001-07:00

The Argonauts met women who killed all their male relatives in one island, a kind king, and killer giants from Bear Mountain.

They lost their greatest hero, Heracles, because his servant Hylas was abducted by Naiads. Driven mad with grief, Heracles continued to search in vain. The rest of the Argonauts made the decision to leave without him.

Back at sea, recovering from accidently murdering the king of the Doliones. They gave him a funeral, but they did not stay long. This is where we left off.

"Are we ther-"

"No Castor! Stop trying to be like Heracles, he's gone!"

After a brief journey, they landed on the Thrace side of the strait and found that there was a nearby island by the city called Salmydessus. (Just before this, Pollux killed the king of the Bebryces in a boxing match) On this tiny island, there was this old and blind man who lived in constant pain and hunger. His name was Phineas and he was being punished by Zeus.

Phineas was once the king of Salmydessus and was married to Cleopatra. (Not the famous lover of Iulius and Anthony mind you) They had two sons, Plexippus and Pandion, who were then mistreated by Phineas' new wife Idaea after Cleo died.

Phineas was a son of Poseidon (Or Phoenix) and had the gift of seeing the future. Despite the fact that many mortals had this ability, Zeus felt he was revealing too much of the god's plans. Therefore, he needed to be horribly punished.

My food!!!! No!

Zeus had the king struck blind and then dropped off a deserted island with a buffet of food. However, despite there being a 24/7 buffet before him, he would not be able to eat it and remain starving.

The harpies, ugly half hag half bird (Appropriately a vulture bird) abominations would swoop in anytime that the king tried to eat and eat it themselves. (These beasts were never full and always hungry, they would do this every time.)

When the Argo landed, Jason and his Argonauts found the court of Phineas and found the frail and starving king shaking in fear thinking the Harpies had come for his food. Jason took pity on the king. Phineas said he would be grateful and tell them how they could make it to Colchis to find the golden fleece.

Oh you think you're the only humanoids with wings? Eat our swords bitches!!!

Jason looked at his crew and tried to find the perfect men to help them drive away the harpies. The Boreads (Calias and Zetes) stepped up and offered themselves to the cause. They had wings to meet the harpies on an even playing field.

An ambush was set and as Phineas tried to get some food from the buffet; the harpies swooped down to steal his food, but were in for a rude surprise waiting.

The sons of the North Wind flew and attacked the harpies in air to air combat. Talons were no match for their armor, while the heroes' swords easily sliced the harpies. The rest of the Argonauts got in the fray and the harpies were beaten never to return. Finally, Phineas could eat that drumstick!

Grateful, Phineas did as he promised and told the crew important information of how to get to Colchis. Especially important was the advice he gave them how to cross the Symplegades aka "The Clashing Rocks". Jason thanked the king for all his help as the Argo set sail for the Clashing Rocks. (In the modern day Bosphorus Strait)

Must go faster... must go faster!

The Symplegades (god that's a mouthful, I'll just use Clashing Rocks now) were, as their name suggests, two rocks that would clash against each other at random intervals. Anything that was in between them when they clashed would be crushed to a pulp.

The advice of Phineas aiding them by telling them to release a dove after reaching the rocks. If it was able to make it through, they were told to row with all their might and they would make it through with little trouble. However, if it was crushed by the rocks, they would be doomed to fail.

With nothing to lose Jason released the Dove and it went flying straight to the other side of the strait. The rocks started to move as the bird flew as fast it could as the rocks loomed. The dove was able to escape, though it lost a couple of it's tail feathers, and immediately the Argo was charging through.

They rowed strongly as the rocks parted and then began to contract again, but Jason was not afraid since they had done just as Phineas told them. However, it didn't mean the ride wasn't stressful despite Orpheus playing encouraging tunes on his lyre. Take it a way Ian:

God I love you Jeff Goldblum

They made it through and like the dove, only the tail end of the stern was ripped apart by the rocks. The Clashing Rocks then separated and would never clash again, making travel and trade from the Black Sea and Aegean infinitely easier.

Next week we discuss the Argonauts finally making it to Colchis and taking the Golden Fleece, all the while Jason gets a girlfriend. Hope that you continue reading and remember to comment and critique!

Have a nice day!

Yoink!

080 The Quest for the Golden Fleece- The Killer Women of Lemnos and the Giants of Bear Mountain

2011-10-07T06:21:00.000-07:00

Welcome back to Moments in Greek Mythology and welcome to part 3 of The Quest for the Golden Fleece miniseries! Three parts in and now we finally get to see the Argo makes its maiden voyage out to the Aegean. Will there be adventure and sex in this blog? The answer is most definitely yes, but with that aside let's get started.

"Are we there yet?"

"No"

"How bout now?"

"No!"

"Now?"

"Heracles, I swear to god, I will throw you off this boat if you keep doing this!"

As I said when we last met, the crew had been assembled of a who's who of Greek heroes and warriors all on one boat that had a talking prow. This dream team of a crew was lead by our main hero, Jason, who was being used as a pawn in a grand scheme by Hera to get revenge on Jason's corrupt and power mad uncle, Pelias. (Note: Hera only cared about the slight that Pelias caused to her in the Sidero incident, not the fact that Pelias had usurped his brother Aeson from his rightful throne.)

The first few days went well for the Argo and her crew, the wind was blowing favorably and they had some of the strongest demigods rowing the oars of this boat. Suffice to say, the trip was going quite smoothly as they raced across the Aegean Sea and soon they would reach the Dardanelles Strait.

However, as they got closer to the western coast of Anatolia, they came across a large island where they would make their first stop in their journey. It was the island of Lemnos and it was inhabited solely by women in a sad story of pissing off an immortal. (No these weren't the famed and fierce Amazons, nor were they Lesbians[Those came from the island of Lesbos])

Wait you didn't tell how to drive this thing!

Once there was prosperous kingdom on the island of Lemnos, but one day something happened that would lead to its ruin forever. For some reason, the women of the island started to neglect their worship to Aphrodite and because of their impiety, the goddess of love turned into a real bitch. She would unless a horrible curse on their collective asses.

What kind of curse you may ask? The terrible curse of BAD BODY ODOR! Yep Aphrodite used her powers to make all the women smell so bad in stench that their husbands could not bear to be with them. Soon the husbands began taking concubines from the the Thracian mainland to the west.

The women, spurned by their husband's collective infidelity decided to take revenge and I mean the disproportionate retribution that is such a mainstay in Greek myth. As they slept, every woman on the island went up and murdered every single male inhabitant on the island! (Indeed hell hath no fury than a woman's scorn)

The only man to survive this gendercide would be Thoas, the king of Lemnos. His daughter, Hypsipyle, who was unable to kill her father in this slaughter, helped him escape via an oarless boat (Sometimes described as a chest) Now without men, the women lived a few years without them and Hyspsipyle ruled as their queen. It then turned out that the effects of the curse only worked on the men whom they had killed on the island, but they would only find this out when Jason and his merry crew came along.

Nothing more Greek than a orgy I say!

Their stay on the island was long, but somewhat memorable for the Argonauts. What happens next is only natural and there was a massive orgy between the two groups, but what about that curse? Well it turns out that the curse placed on the women only made it seem that they smelled bad to their male relatives on the island. (Basically Aphrodite was messing with the men's minds and senses)

As a result of this orgy of pent up hormones, the Argonauts created a whole new race of people! This new "race" would be called the Minyans and Jason in particular would father twins with Hyspsipyle. Soon however, the only Argonaut who had not engaged in any of this depraved and decadent debauchery finally had enough and convinced them to get into the boat.

Who was this Argonaut? You are probably thinking it was the sensitive bard Orpheus, but you would wrong. Maybe Euphemus? (Wait he is a son of Poseidon nevermind) Nope, the answer is actually quite surprising given this hero's past behavior and who his father was.

God damn it Herc! Why do you either have to be annoying or a buzz kill?

Yep, the son of Zeus king of all sexual abandonment and it wasn't like Heracles was a prude either; he had sex with a lot of women before and after these. (I guess the poet's needed the strongest of the heroes to convince the others to leave) Anyway Heracles was quite disgusted by the way his crewmates and was able to convince Jason to get the crew back on track to their mission.

When the Argonauts got back into the boat and sailed away to continue their journey; few if none of them realized what a mark they left on that island. The island had been rebalanced by this crew of heroes and they would create a new race as I said earlier, but this blog isn't over yet.

That's because I'm going to look at the next side adventure the Argonauts made in there journey for the Golden Fleece. But before we do that, I think I found a video of how Heracles convinced the Argonauts to leave.

Oh Arnold, how I love thee

Again there was favorable wind and smooth sailing for the Argo, but as soon as they reached the Dardanelles strait they made another stop.

Ah yes just go to this place called Bear Mountain, nothing bad over there

They landed at the city of Cyzicus and were immediately greeted by the king who went by the same name. King Cyzicus ruled over a race of people know as the Dolionians, was actually a migrant from Thessaly. Because of his roots, he was more than happy to help Jason, a fellow Thessalian, and his crew. (Also there is the concept of Xenia, which was hospitality for guests, that the Greeks took hospitality VERY SERIOUSLY)

After treating them graciously for an undetermined amount of time, though probably a couple of days or so, he decided to point them into the right direction. He said there was a land beyond a place called Bear Mountain where they could continue their journey for the Golden Fleece. However, the king failed to mention what horrible monsters lived there. (You'd think he would remember that factoid)

It ain't easy being a naked six armed giant cannibal you know?

The crew took the kings words to heart and sailed past Bear Mountain where they found a land rich in resources to resupply the probably dwindling food and water supplies. Jason had the crew split up into two: group A would guard the ships and Group B would go into the forests to find food and water. While group B was looking for stuff, group A would find what that doting king forget to warn them about.

What came out to confront the men guarding the Argo were a tribe of monstrous abominations to put it bluntly. They were the Gegeines, Earth-borne giants who had a taste for human flesh. They were giant, (naturally) six-armed, humanoids that wore nothing but a leather loincloth. (Hey at least they were modest) So when these monsters saw the Argo and saw that there were few guarding it, they decided to go on a raid.

What these giants didn't know was that Heracles was one of the men guarding the ship and that man knew a thing about killing giants. By the time that Jason and his group had returned, most of the Gegeines had already been killed by Heracles and his amazing tree club. (God knows how they got that club on that boat)

With the giants effectively killed, the crew returned to looking for food and water in the forests much like before. While Heracles search for wood to carve a new oar, his young servant Hylas decided to go on his own like the young fool that he was. This would be the last time any of the Argonauts would ever see the boy again.

Hmmm stay with my friends or get laid and enjoy immortal pleasure, decisions decisions

In his quest to find water, Hylas found a spring source and was excited at his luck. However, Hylas should have known this, everything had it's inhabitants and should have brought a friend with him. (I can see why camps have buddy systems now) For the specific group of nymphs which resided in spring were known as Naiads and they were quite interested in the youth.

As he bent down to get a drink of water, the Naiads pounced and pulled him into the water. Despite being a strong young man, he was unable to escape their grasp. Then they told him that they wanted to live them forever and about the endless sex that they would have. (Hey if I was offered that, I would stay with them too) Eventually Hylas fell in love with them in return and would remain with them, "sharing their power and their love."

Now let's see how Heracles reacted to losing his young ward:

Well he took it well

Yeah, after losing his arms bearer, Herc kind of went crazy trying to search for him. He even got another Argonaut, Polyphemus, (Not the cyclops) to help him as he ripped apart the entire island looking for his young ward. The rest of the crew saw this and Jason decided to leave Heracles to get back to their original quest.

Eventually Heracles realized it was no use and went back to finishing those Labors he had been ordered to do. (Wonder why Hera would allow Heracles on the crew since she hated his guts) Anyway, sadly there will be no more Arnold Heracles in this story. :(

We will miss you, always

Yeah we kind screwed the pooch here

After getting back on the Argo, the crew suddenly got hit with the idiot ball and lost their bearings. When they landed back in the night it turned out that they were in Cyzicus, but because it was dark they couldn't tell where they were anymore.

Meanwhile in the darkness, the Doliones saw the heroes, but due to the darkness they thought the Argonauts were enemies and attacked them. The Argonauts retaliated, also not knowing that these men were the Doliones, killing many, including king Cyzicus himself. Soon as a result of his death, Cyzicus' wife hanged herself in grief. (God if they just decided to stop by in the morning, all this could have been avoided)

When morning did come and they realized their terrible mistake, the Argonauts immediately gave the kind king an extremely elaborate funeral. After this, they decided it would be a smart move to bail because I'm sure the locals would not be happy once they found out that it was them who murdered their king and countrymen. The winds were still favorably and they still had a long journey ahead of them.

And so this blog is over, but there is still much more adventure ahead for the Argonauts. Be sure to follow me on Twitter: https://twitter.com/#!/AchillesF6, Google + : https://plus.google.com/108400934039763512765/posts, and my website: http://momentsingreekmythology.blogspot.com/

079 The Quest for the Golden Fleece- The assembling of the crew and the construction of the Argo

2011-09-30T10:06:00.000-07:00

Welcome back to Moments in Greek Mythology, I'm doing a multipart series on the story of Jason and the Argonauts who went searching for the fabled Golden Fleece. (Most of the story comes from the famous poet Apollonius of Rhodes in his epic the "Argonautica") Here's what you've missed so far.

First post was a prologue of the origin of the Golden Fleece and why it ended up in Colchis. Then on last week's blog I talked about the story of how the power hungry Pelias took over his brother's throne and the prophecy of the young man with the one sandal. Today's blog looks at the assembling of the famous Argonauts and the construction of the boat that gave them their name, The Argo.

It's like the Avengers of Greek Mythology

Now we begin the process of Jason preparing for this epic and highly dangerous journey to retrieve the fabled Golden Fleece. Pelias didn't give a time table for this journey because the king thought that this quest would undoubtedly lead to the death of Jason and assure that Pelias would remain as king. This didn't bother Jason though; he knew it was his destiny to become king of Iolcos and that he had the Queen of Heaven helping him.

First thing's first though, Jason had to assemble a crew willing to go to god knows where to find a Ram's skin. (Albeit this was a legendary fleece made out of gold, but still it would take some balls to brave the many dangers that exist in this world) Luckily for our dear friend Jason, he lived in a time where the god's had raped many young girls to give birth to many more demigods who became famous heroes. They would soon be flocking to Jason to offer their services in this grand adventure.

The exact amount of how many Argonauts there were varies because of the simple fact that each city wanted their city associated with this myth. The Wikipedia page for the Argonauts gives me 83 entries, but remember this is from combining several other accounts into one list. However, I will just name a few that were among the crew.

The Winged Boreads (Sons of the North Wind Boreas) Calais and Zetes Philoctetes, a companion of Heracles and famously gifted archer (He was the guy if you remember from blogs from long ago, the guy who the Achaeans left on Lemnos because he was snake bitten)Peleus, who you should all know is the husband of Thetis and father of Achilles (Seen here wrestling Thetis in order to get her to marry him)Telamon father of the famous Ajax's in the Trojan War and helped Heracles sack Troy when Laomedon didn't pay up.

Our musician friend Orpheus (Seen here playing his beautiful music to the rabbits)

The Divine Twins Castor and Pollux who were the brothers of Helen of Troy (And also the constellation Gemini)

Euphemus son of Poseidon who could walk on water and would be the Helmsman for the voyage

And of course our dear old friend Heracles. Who I did save for last, so I didn't lie.

And now for the Sir/Miss Not Appearing in this story:

The famous huntress Atlanta (Why did she not join? Well it was either that Jason forbade her since she would be the only woman in an all testosterone filled boat, which would undoubtedly cause strife among these macho men [OH YEAH!] or she refused the offer to join.)

This is only a model of the ship right?

Now that he had his crew assembled, Jason needed a ship worthy enough for such a journey. Thus he called upon the renowned shipwright Argus and he began making blueprints for the vessel. Not only would Jason have the best ship builder in the known world building this boat, but he would have the construction of this ship monitored by Grey-eyed Athena herself!

Yeah nail that sucker in there!

The ship, naturally named the Argo after its builder, was said to be the first ship able to make long voyages into the open seas. It also had a special property, located on her prow, a special piece of timber from the sacred forest of Dodona. (A site dedicated to a Mother Goddess that was probably Rhea or Gaea) Not only could this piece of wood (Or branch as the illustration above shows) could talk; (!) it could give prophecies to the crew.

With the ship named and finished, the crew ready, and the winds blowing favorably, Jason offered a prayer to Poseidon and all the other god's for a safe and easy journey. (Boy was he in for a rude surprise) Now dubbed the Argonauts, they set sail from Iolcos and for the great unknown that lied before them.

Next week, a couple of stories from the early days of the voyage, so if you have any questions about this blog please don't hesitate in asking me via the comments section. (I look for comments almost twice a day, I have that much of a life :P)

Also tweet me on Twitter https://twitter.com/#!/AchillesF6 or add me to Google + https://plus.google.com/108400934039763512765/posts?hl=en. Anyway thanks once again for reading and I can't wait to do part 3 (Or was it 4?) Now to end the blog with some appropriate music:

Please be sure to request music in the comments section, if I like it I might use it for the blog

078 The Quest for the Golden Fleece- Jason and the Prophecy of the One Sandal

2011-09-23T10:21:00.000-07:00

Now that we know how the Golden Fleece got to its far away location in the Modern Day Caucasus region, this time we will get why a quest was sent for it and the backstory of Jason before meeting a strange old woman at a river. So really this is just more exposition and build up to this epic adventure.

God help you miss that target again or you are going to have to sleep outside for a week!

Our story begins with two brothers, one who was king and the other who became very power hungry. (It doesn't take much to start seeing what is going to happen) The king's name was Aeson and he ruled the kingdom of Iolcos (Located in the modern city of Volos in the Magnesia region of Thessaly) fairly and wisely. The power hungry evil brother was Pelias and he wanted to become king of Iolcos so badly.

Pelias was actually the half brother of Aeson because their mother, Tyro, had a relationship (Which totally didn't result in rape) and she had two sons, the aforementioned Pelias and another named Neleus. Aeson was the eldest son of Iolcos's founder, Crethus, and because his father was the king, he got to ascend the throne when Crethus kicked the bucket.

Eventually, Pelias staged a uprising and was able to overthrow his half brother and became the king of Iolcos. In the coup, Pelias made it a mission to kill any descendants of Aeson (Whom he had imprisoned) and had his other brothers exiled. What the new king didn't realize was that Queen Alcimede had recently given birth to a infant son that she would name Jason.

Alcimede gave her son to a bunch of women and had them cry as if he was stillborn, thus Pelias didn't kill the baby. (You'd think he would have made sure, but then this wouldn't be an interesting story) The queen spirited the baby to the nearby cave of Chiron and she asked the wise centaur to teach the baby to become a great hero. Sadly, when she returned to the new king, she was forced to commit suicide via either noose or poison. The boy would live though, and he would grow to become a handsome young man that was ready for adventure and glory.

No, I'm surprisingly not going to kill you or ruin your life, I'm just as surprised as you are

When he was all grown up and ready to set off back to civilization, Chiron advised him to return to Iolcos, knowing that King Pelias would not know that the young man was the son of Aeson and rightful heir to the throne. However, the wise centaur did not put in account the paranoia of the king and that he had asked his trusted oracle to predict how he would lose the throne.

The seer had told him that the real king of Iolcos would come as a young man with only one sandal. What the oracle did not tell him was that this usurper would be backed by the gods themselves, but not just any god. Hera of all people would be aiding him! Why? Well there is a story to that.

First, Jason was not a hero of some divine coupling so it wasn't like she hated him for being a Zeus lovechild. She hated Pelias because of his actions he did one dark night.

As I said earlierTyro was married to Cretheus, but what I didn't say was that she loved Enipeus, a river god. She pursued Enipeus, who refused her advances. One day, Poseidon, filled with lust for Tyro, disguised himself as Enipeus and from their union was born Pelias and Neleus, twin boys. (So basically he pulled the same kind of trick that Zeus did with Heracles' mother, Alcmene)

Tyro did the old way of getting rid of unwanted kids by leaving her sons on a mountain and hoping that exposure would cause them to die, but they were (Of Course) found by a herdsmen who raised them as his own, as one story goes, or they were raised by a maid. When they reached adulthood, Pelias and Neleus found Tyro and killed their stepmother, Sidero, for having mistreated her. Sidero hid in a temple to Hera but Pelias killed her anyway (On the freaking altar no less!), thus causing Hera's undying hatred of Pelias.

So when she saw the man who was going to eventually succeed his half-uncle's throne, she decided to use him as a pawn in her grand scheme to ruin Pelias' life.

The Water isn't that deep you know?

As Jason continued his journey to Iolcos, he found himself in front of a the River Anavros (Which actually was a torrential stream, but that doesn't sound that impressing). Since there was no ferry and he could not ford it so he just said to himself, "I'm pretty athletic, I can just walk across it" So he looked for the shallowest part of the river and was about to cross it when someone interrupted him.

An extremely old and decrepit hag tugged at his shirt and kindly asked him to carry her across the river. Being the gentleman that he was, he accepted and picked her up to journey across the stream. As they continued on their merry way, Jason began to feel as though the old woman weighed a ton, but he was able to huff and puff his way across the river. Right at the middle where the Anavros was at its highest, Jason found he was neck high in water and that he lost one of his sandals.

Finally, they reached the shore on the other side and it was then that Hera partially revealed herself to be the Queen of the Olympians. (Remember what happened to Semele?) She told him of the prophecy and of his past as a son of the true king of Iolcos. She said that the king knew about the prophecy about the the true king being a man with only one sandal. With this knowledge, Jason now came to Iolcos with a goal and that was to restore the throne to its rightful king.

Wait, you are wearing no sandals!

While this was going on, there was a festival dedicated to Pelias' father Poseidon. During these times, games were held in honor for the holiday. This made it fairly easy forbably shit his pants seeing this.

Jason told his uncle that he was the rightful heir to his father's kingdom and that he should step down from his rule. Pelias then replied, "If you want to take the throne from me, you must go on a quest to retrieve the Golden Fleece." Jason immediately accepted and thus the wheels began turning to get a crew to set off the Aegean and search for this fabled fleece. Next week, the assembling of the crew and the construction of the Argo. (And maybe a couple of the first adventures in this quest)

God this some epic music

077 Quest for the Golden Fleece- Prologue

2011-09-16T07:09:00.000-07:00

Well I think it is time to begin another epic series and this time I want to do a grand adventure with an all star cast. This of course is the quest for the Golden Fleece as told in the epic poem The Argonautica. Before we begin this mammoth journey, let us find out what exactly was the golden fleece and why it was located in such a remote place on the Earth.

Better than that Ixion fellow

Amazingly enough this story is deeply connected to the last two stories, as a certain woman makes a significant impact in this tale. However, our myth takes place in the city of Orchomenus (The rival of Thebes) which was ruled by the Minyan (A legendary race from the Aegean) King Athamas. The founder of the Thessalian city of Halos married the cloud woman Nephele that Zeus had created to trick the wicked king Ixion who was eyeing Hera at a party. (As seen in blog 37 http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/blogs/myblogs/entry/037-moments-in-greek-mythology-ixion-barks-up-the-wrong-tree)

So after she gave birth to the entire race of centaurs (Except Chiron of course) and Ixion was dead and burning in the Stygian abyss of Tartarus, she married this king Athamas and they had twins. This brother and sister duo were named Phrixus and Helle, but soon this happy family would dissolve.

You see after a few years of stability, the King fell enamored for another woman. This woman was Ino and this is where those two stories from the last couple weeks. (Remember she was the daughter of Cadmus who would later rip her nephew in Bacchic revelry)

You know this chick

Anyway, Athamas divorced from Nephele and then immediately married Ino, leaving the sad Nephele to leave the kingdom. The new couple would have two sons, Learchus and Meelicertes, but this is unimportant. What is important is the relationship between Ino and the children of the king's last marriage. (Hint hint, she's not fond of them)

In fact, she fucking hated her step children's guts, HATED THEM! Really I don't know why, maybe it's because her sons could not ascend the throne since Phrixus was most likely the heir to Athamas' throne. So because of this, she hatched an evil scheme to get her step children killed. (Hurrah for childrencide! And once again cementing the cliche that step mothers are most likely evil)

Her plan was to first give a reason why these innocent youths should be killed, which was a little harder than you might think. (And no she didn't break into Athamas' prized commemorative plate collection and break them to get the kids in trouble) What she did was roast all of Boeotia's (The region that Orchomenus was located in) crop seeds, thus causing a region wide famine.

Soon farmers were terrified as people began to starve and being the superstitious lot that they are, went to consult the oracle to find a cure to this terrible plight. It was here that Ino bribed the men sent to the oracle and told them to lie about the seer's prediction. When they returned, they said that the famine would only end if Phrixus was sacrificed. (Been a while since I did a child sacrifice story)

Quick! To the ram mobile!

Word soon reached to Athamas of what the oracle had said and reluctantly decided the fate of his kingdom over the life of his son. (To be fair, when there is an angry mob of starving folk telling you that you need to kill your son in order to save the kingdom) And so the date was set for the boy's death, but someone had seen through Ino's plan.

It was the twin's mother Nephele who saw with her semi-divine (Being a creation of Zeus and not an actual person) powers that Ino was trying to kill her only human children. She was going to stop this evil plot and save her kids, all she needed was a way to get her children out of there. But how?

A giant, golden fleeced Ram (Wonder if that is where our titular golden fleece comes from?) that could fucking talk and fly! This flying beast was sent just in the nick of time as the priest was about to sacrifice the boy. He also went over and took Helle before flying back in the sky, saving the twins from their evil step mom.

The ram told you not to do that, why did you do that?! I don't know!

Once in the sky, the twins were instructed by the ram to not look down or bad things would happen. This is going to be a very short section since they just sat on the back of a magical ram for a journey to some unknown location. (Thankfully for them this wasn't Zeus disguised as an animal or they would be screwed) Anyways like most children, they kind of like to forget what they are told not to do.

Unfortunately, as they were flying over the Dardanelles strait that separates the Greece from Anatolia, poor little Helle decided to look down. As soon as she did this, she fell into the ocean and drowned, it was from then on that the Greeks would call it the Hellespont. (Helle's Sea) However, despite losing his twin sister, Phrixus continued on and did not look down until the journey ended.

Thanks for taking me here, now do you mind if I sacrifice you?

The ram took Phrixus all the way to Colchis (A kingdom where modern day Georgia and Armenia in the southern Caucasus area) where he is dropped off at the palace of King Aeetes, a son of Helios the sun titan, and he was welcomed immediately and kindly.

It was then that the Ram who had saved Phrixus from being sacrificed was then sacrificed by the young man himself as an offer to Poseidon. As gratitude for allowing him to marry Aeetes' daughter Chalciope, Phrixus gave the golden fleece to the king. The king then took the Fleece and placed it on a branch of a tree in a sacred grove dedicated to Ares that was guarded by a dragon that never slept.

As for Phrixus, well he and Chalciope had a good life and they had four sons. These sons would later join forces with the crew that would go on the quest for the Golden Fleece. Next week, we begin the story of Jason and the old lady at the river.

Just to get you pumped for this.

076 Semele gets gets burned by Zeus

2011-09-09T07:58:00.000-07:00

Now as for today's blog, it is once again a case of me looking at the past blog and realizing, "Oops I dun goofed, herp a derp!" Because for some reason I like to start one story and then doing the next story about something that could have helped you the audience see the bigger picture for the story before. (I will not make this mistake in my attempts to make this blog into a video series, but that is a discuss for a later time)

Anyway, today's story is the origin of our dear old friend Dionysus. This is another one of those classic Zeus sees woman, Zeus rapes woman, Hera gets pissed off, Hera screws up said woman's life, and pop we got a new god crawling around. But believe me there is a disturbing example of body horror in this story and another TV trope. (but I'm not going to ruin the surprise for those who never heard this story)

It would not be wise to diss his hair style, unless you want a lightning bolt straight up your ass

In one version of the story (Because they have made ten thousand variations for this one myth probably) our woman is a Thebean princess named Semele and she was also a priestess of Zeus. One day Zeus was looking at the temple at Thebes, saw Semele sacrificing a bull, and watched as the blood splattered over her. (God knows what he was doing with his left hand)

Then Semele did something that would seal her fate in being a target for Zeus' already growing lust was what she did after the ceremony. (Random fun fact, ceremony takes its root word from the goddess Ceres... I think) Now remember that she was covered in sacrificial bull blood and had to wash it off, but how? Well the only thing she could do to cleanse herself of the blood was the River Asopus. (There are five in Greece and Turkey, this one is most likely Boeotian Asopus, which is right by Thebes)

Beautiful painting, but what the hell is going on?

Zeus, charming voyeur as usual, took the form of an eagle (subtle) and flew around over the naked princess and instantly fell in love. He went over to her in his human form and began "visiting" her in secret for an unknown period time. Soon the usual formula for Zeus' affairs began to roll along.

Why? Because Hera found about this "secret" (yeah I don't trust Zeus to make this affair quiet and discreet) affair when she noticed that Semele was pregnant and was bragging that Zeus had been boning her. (Not the smartest of moves considering she should know what Hera does to the women that Zeus has affairs with) Hera was mad and about to unleash a wave of hate towards the woman who no say in having a relationship with Zeus.

Yeah just make him reveal his true form, nothing could possibly go wrong

Hera went down to Thebes disguised as an old hag and waited for Semele to pass by her. Even do she was bragging about having a child of Zeus in her womb, no one in Thebes believed that Semele had coupled with the king of the gods. (Explaining why Dionysus came back to Thebes to vindicate her death) When Semele came by, Hera/crone befriended her rather quickly and soon Semele went on and on how Zeus was the father of her baby to be. This is when Hera unleashed her devious scheme.

She started to fill Semele with doubt that the man who she was with was truly Zeus and not some impostor saying that he was Zeus in disguise. Semele began to understand what the old woman that she just met was talking about, but she had no idea how to prove whether he was or not Zeus.

Coincidentally, the old woman had a plan and told her to make the person claiming to be Zeus to swear upon the River Styx to do whatever she wanted. After doing that, Semele was to then request that he reveal his true form. If he showed his true form, great she actually had sex with the king of the gods, if not, oh sorry you just got tricked, raped, and impregnated by a random stranger. (Much like Alcmene in that stupid Hercules movie that got played on the SyFy channel all the time five years ago that had Sam the Hobbit playing Hercules' lyre teacher) So with this, Semele set off to seek the truth and the bitter old hag turned back into a bitter old bitch.

Oh dear god this was a stupid plan, damn you old lady!

Semele made her way up back to her room and found Zeus was waiting for her and ready to get it on. However, Zeus was surprised that she had something to say. (A woman who doesn't want to have sex, but talk, this must have blown his mind. Especially since Semele was probably 14 at this time, but that was the norm back then so don't get creeped out)

She took the advice of that old crone who obviously was not a crazy coot and asked him that if he was truly the All-Powerful Zeus, that he would grant her a wish. Zeus of course, wanting to please his beloved, promised over the River Styx that he would do whatever she wished. Heeding the words of that hag, Semele requested that he reveal himself in all his godly glory so that she really knew that he was Zeus.

Zeus immediately begged her to take back the request, but because of the seeds of doubt that Hera had sown into Semele's poor head, she refused and told him again to reveal his true form. Because of her persistence and inability to break his oath to the River Styx, Zeus was forced to comply.

Even though it was hopeless, Zeus still tried to spare her by showing her just the smallest of his bolts and the sparsest thunderstorm clouds he could find. However, mortals could not look upon Zeus in his true form without incinerating so she perished, consumed in lightning-ignited flame. And to demonstrate this here is an obligatory scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark:

Damn it Youtube! Give me a good quality video of this scene!

But what of the baby that was inside Semele? Well this is where that second trope that I was talking about in the beginning comes to play. Zeus became a case of a Mr. Seahorse! Yep Zeus took the nearly fully developed fetus out the now charred remains of Semele and stuffed the fetus down into his own thigh! Oh and he did this all with his BARE FUCKING HANDS! (Still probably not as painful as when Athena was born, now that was a headache! BA-ZING!)

Wait why are you a mini adult? I am confused.

And so a few months later little Dionysus was born from the thigh of Zeus and like Athena was a fully grown adult. (His thigh origin would become the basis for his epithet "Eiraphiotes" which means "insewn") Eventually, Dionysus would not only clear the name of his mother as discussed in the previous entry, but was also able to go to the Underworld, confront Hades, and take his mother from the land of the dead to the palace of Olympus. It was there that she herself became a goddess named Thyone, who presided over the madness that was caused by her son.

So yeah happy ending? I mean she got burnt to a crisp, but it seems all was good in the end. Anyway, thanks for reading, remember to follow me on twitter at https://twitter.com/#!/achillesf6, Google + at https://plus.google.com/108400934039763512765/posts, Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/ztolbart, and be sure to check up on the http://live.lordkat.com/small.php (And subscribe to the stream if you got the cash and want some cool perks!) See you guys later and here is a little metal to end this post.

075 Dionysus vs his cousin

2011-09-02T06:44:00.000-07:00

Today's story is not a story of love, but a story of hate and revenge. (That's the Greek Mythology we know and love!) Our hero is once again the jolly and adventerous god of the vine, Dionysus, who tries to return back to his birthplace in the city of Thebes. The villain of this story is the King of Thebes and cousin of Dionysus, Pentheus, but he was not the party lover like Dionysus.

This is a story of not paying attention to what seers tell you and the conflict between the excess of Dionysus and the control freak nature of Pentheus. (Seeing as Dionysus is a god and Pentheus is a mere mortal, you can kind of guess who wins this)

In the left corner, weighing at two hundred and twenty pounds, he is the ultimate party boy, DIONYSUS!!!!

And on the right corner, he is the ultimate buzzkill, he is Pentheus!!!

To understand the whole story we would have to explore the birth of Dionysus, but that story deserves its own entry. Basically, the mother of Dionysus, Semele, died before her son's birth, but her sisters Agave, Autonoe, and Ino, and her father King Cadmus believed that she had died because she had blasphemed to the gods. (Also Hera was a bitch in that story)

Eventually Agave married the strongest of the legendary Spartoi (You remember, the people created from Cadmus sowing the dragon teeth) who went by the name Echion, and they gave had a boy named Pentheus. As the years went by, Cadmus wanted to retire do to old age, thus he gave the kingdom to Pentheus.

Aw hell na, stop having fun!!!

Now the reason why Dionysus returned to his birthplace was to clear the name of his mother and convert the people to his worship. Dionysus was able to succeed in both parts, he was able to convince the people to worship him and he was able to vindicate Semele's name.

Soon the whole city was in a state of Bacchic excess (You see what I did there?) and everyone was in a festive mood. The women of Thebes especially were enamored with Dionysus and his rites, but even the former king Cadmus and the famous seer Tiresias were about to arrive to the celebration when Pentheus returned and saw them wearing festive garb. And boy did he have something to say.

Boy you try to stop this party, you going to get fucked up

The young king scolded both men harshly and ordered to his soldiers that anyone found performing rites to this "false god" would be arrested. This course of action did not sit well with the blind prophet and he tried to warn Pentheus what would happen if he continued his plan to suppress this new cult.

Tiresias told the king that if he tried to looking into Bacchic rites and trying to stop the worship of Dionysus, that he would be ripped into thousands of pieces. Of course Pentheus didn't listen to the guy who could predict the future (That would be the smart and logical thing to do) and continued on with trying to stop this new cult to Dionysus.

You mad Pentheus?

Eventually the guards returned with Dionysus himself, who had disguised himself in the form of a priest of Dionysus and the leader of the Asian Maenads. (Crazy, drunk, feral, female members of the Dionysus cult) Pentheus questioned him, still not believing that Dionysus was a god. However, his questions revealed that he was deeply interested in the Bacchic rites, which the stranger refused to reveal fully to him.

This greatly angered Pentheus and he had Dionysus locked up. However, being a god, he was quickly able to break free from his bonds and jail cell. In vengeance created more havoc, with the coup de grade being razing the palace of Pentheus to the ground with in a giant earthquake and fire.

Word arrived via a herdsman (Really Dionysus) that the Bacchae on Cithaeron (A nearby mountain) were behaving especially strangely and performing incredible feats including: putting snakes in their hair in reverie of their god, suckling wild wolves and gazelle, and making wine, milk, honey and water spring up from the ground. He told them that when they tried to capture the women, the women descended on a herd of cows, ripping them to shreds with their bare hands. (An ancient Bacchic ritual known as Sparagmos)

Those guards who had attacked the women were unable to harm them with their weapons, while the women could defeat them with only sticks. (The ewok effect) Dionysus wished to punish Pentheus for not worshiping him nor paying him libations. Thus Dionysus used Pentheus' clear desire to see the ecstatic women to convince the king to dress as a female Maenad to avoid detection and go to the rites. (Man it was easy for men to crossdress in Greek Mythology)

Oh dear god I should have listened to the guy who cold predict the future?!

Dionysus dressed Pentheus as a woman and gave him a thrysus (a scepter topped with a pine cone) and fawn skins, then leads him out of the house. Pentheus began to see double, perceiving two Thebes and two bulls (Dionysus often took the form of a bull) leading him.

The god's vengeance soon turned from mere humiliation to murder. A messenger arrived at the palace to report that once they reached Cithaeron, Pentheus wanted to climb up an evergreen tree to get a better view of the Bacchants. The blond stranger used his divine power to bend the tall tree and place the king at its highest branches. However, once he was safely at the top, Dionysus called out to his followers and showed the man sitting atop the tree. This, of course, drove the Bacchants wild, and they tore the trapped Pentheus down and ripped his body apart piece by piece. (This scene could best be explained with this movie clip:)

Oh Day of the Dead, one of these I'll watch you, but for now I will stick with Dawn of the Dead

After the messenger had relayed this news, Pentheus' mother, Agave, arrived carrying the head of her son. In her possessed state she believed it was the head of a mountain lion, and she killed him with her bare hands and pulled his head off. (Agave wins FATALITY!!) She proudly displayed her son's head to her father, believing it to be a hunting trophy. She was confused when Cadmus did not delight in her trophy, his face contorted in sheer horror.

By that time, however, Dionysus' possession began to wear off, and as Cadmus reeled from the horror of his grandson's death, Agave slowly realized what she had done. The family was destroyed, with Agave and her sisters sent into exile, though Cadmus and his wife Harmonia were actually honored by Dionysus when he turned them into snakes. Tiresias, the old, blind Theban prophet, is the only one not to suffer. (Though he has suffered much already)

And so our story ends, from simply not paying attention to a blind prophet and being a douche towards new religions led to the horrible death to a total asshole. So thanks reading, following me on twitter at https://twitter.com/#!/AchillesF6, or on Google + https://plus.google.com/108400934039763512765/posts, or on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/ztolbart, and this is not only my 75 blog, but my 1st blog done in my new home at my college dorm.

074 Cupid and Psyche, an Epic Story of True Love Part 2

2011-08-26T08:51:00.000-07:00

When last we met on Moments in Greek Mythology:

Cupid ditched Psyche after she accidently spilled hot wax on him (Oh and something about breaking a promise)

Then this happened:

Psyche tricked her two bitchy sisters and indirectly got them to commit suicide via falling to their deaths

But not even getting her siblings to kill themselves did not satiate the incredible passion in her heart. For she had fallen victim to the arrow of Cupid like Cupid himself when he first met Psyche. So she began her wanderings, looking everywhere for her true love, but to no avail. At some point in her meanderings, she came across a temple that was in terrible condition.

Feeling it would be wrong and even blasphemous to leave a temple into such a state, Psyche decided it would be for the best to spruce up the place. (Always a good move, you never know how the gods will react if you don't do the simplest of tasks) Anyway, it was because of this action that our heroine would be aided by the gods themselves. (Well sort of)

Thanks for cleaning up my temple and all, but I can't really help you

As she was sorting and cleaning up the mess in the temple, the deity who was worshiped in this holy place appeared before her. It was Ceres (Demeter, goddess of the crop) and she gave her thanks to Psyche for cleaning up her dilapidated temple. However, when Psyche asked for her help in getting back with Cupid, she told her that she couldn't do such a thing and could only give her advice.

This advice turned out being that Psyche had to go to the temple of Venus (You know the bitch who started all this?) and summon the goddess to see if she could be convinced in allowing Psyche to be with her son. Now while still unaware that Venus was the cause of all her misfortune, Psyche still wanted to see if there was an easier way to be reunited with her love.

Sorry it's not like I'm the queen of the gods or something

So Psyche went down to the nearest temple dedicated to Juno (Hera, but significantly less bitchy in this story than usual) and prayed for the Queen of the Olympians to appear. Juno answered with the same answer that Ceres gave her, she had to seek Venus in order to reunite with Cupid.

Juno then disappeared, leaving poor Psyche alone and no choice but to make her way over to the nearest temple to Venus. When she entered it, Venus was already there and ready to make Psyche go through hell to get to her beloved son.

Now if you excuse me, I think this is actually poison ivy
Venus said that Psyche could have Cupid if she complete a number of tasks that the goddess thought impossible for a woman like Psyche. The first was to separate all the grains in a large basket of mixed kinds before nightfall. Psyche accepted the challenge and began to attempt the task. Venus merely laughed and left to herself, thinking that she would never complete the task in time. (What a cunt)

While she went off to good start, it did not take long for Psyche to realize it was hopeless that she alone could separate the grains. All was not lost though, for a lone black ant saw the woman's plight and took pity. Soon he and all the whole nearby ant colony came up and did the work for Psyche just before nightfall.
When Venus returned, she was both shocked and outraged that Psyche was able to do this. (Well technically not, but that's beside the point) So the next task that Venus was going to give Psyche was not only tougher, but incredibly deadly. Her task? Get some golden wool from some sheep.

Yeah I just like hanging out in the reeds looking at sheep, what?

Now you maybe asking, "Gee Zach that doesn't sound hard? Getting wool from sheep, that's child's play!" Well you would have forgotten that this is the same universe that has fire breathing cattle and man eating mares. These golden sheep would fucking kill you if you tried getting anywhere near them.

Of course Venus didn't tell Psyche this little tidbit, but did tell her the sheep's location no questions ask. (God woman, what is wrong with- oh yeah you are a Greek Goddess) So Psyche herped and derped her way to where the sheep grazed, but thankfully she was near a river.

Why was this good? Because the local River-god (Can't have a river without one) came up to warn and help Psyche. He told her that the sheep were vicious and strong enough to kill her easily, but there was a way to get their precious wool.

How the fuck are you still alive?!
He told her that while she could wait until noon when the sheep rested in the nearby fields. During this time she could pick the golden wool that had gotten stuck on the nearby branches and bark of the trees. She did as the river god said and successfully brought back the golden wool to Venus.

Venus then gave her another task, Psyche was to get water from a cleft that was said to be impossible for a mortal to obtain. (Oh and there was a giant serpent guarding the water) Psyche didn't falter and made her way to the cleft, there she looked up and saw that the cleft was incredibly high up and of course a giant snake was protecting the water. Now not being sexist, but Psyche had no chance in hell to defeat the snake and climb up to get the water. She had help in the form of an eagle that killed the serpent and brought down the water to her. (That is some Beastmaster shit right there!)

I guess even the people in the Middle Ages who made this woodcut thought a literal talking tower was a bit silly

Venus was furious that Psyche had survived and completed all her tasks, so she thought of the most dangerous type of quest of them all, going to Hades itself! She claimed that all the stress of caring for her son, who she said had been made depressed and ill at Psyche's lack of fate, had caused her to lose some of her beauty. (This was all pure grade bullshit mind you)

So for her final task Venus ordered that Psyche go through the underworld and ask the queen of the dead, Proserpina (Persephone who we've already talked about a while back) to place some of her (Proserpina's) own beauty and place in a special box. The only problem is that Psyche didn't have any reasonable idea to get to the Underworld. In fact, her plan to get there was pretty stupid and insane.

Her plan of course was to climb a nearby tower and jump off, since in her mind, killing herself would give her a first class ticket to the Underworld. However, the unlikeliest of beings told that her plan was fucking stupid. Yes as the woodcut image above (Thankfully I found a lot of those for this blog) the tower itself spoke to her of the way down to Hades instead of letting her plummet to her death. Now with the directions to Hades, she made her way to it's cavern like entrance. (As for the tower, well that would be the later site for Pee Wee's Playhouse)

Here eat this cake you three headed hellhound!

The tower had given Psyche some more advice on how to survive the Underworld. First, she had to find a way past the Three Headed Guard Dog Cerberus who only allowed the dead in, but not out. Now it took brawn for Heracles to get past it and it took the power of music to allow Orpheus through, but how would Psyche get past it? Simple, a small cake, that's right a small yet delicious confection was all it took for Psyche to get past the vicious Cerberus.

The most important thing that the tower told Psyche was the all important don't eat any of the food down there or be stuck in the Underworld for eternity clause that queen Proserpina knew all too well. However, the tower told Psyche that there was something she could eat and that was coarse bread. So with this advice Psyche was able to make her way past all the challenges and make her way to the queen's quarters.

Nice time for a trek across the River Styx me lady?

The transaction went pretty smoothly as Queen Proserpina gladly gave up some of her beauty and placed it within the box. Psyche then wasted no time returning to the realm of the living, but once she reached the upper world she did something so selfish and stupid that it boggles my mind still.

Gee nothing can possibly go wrong because of this

She fucking opened the box and tried to take some of the beauty for herself! Did she learn nothing about Pandora, never open a box that has anything to do with gods, it leads to only pain and suffering! So guess what happens to her? There was actually no beauty inside that box, but instead an infernal sleep that overcomes her. Poor Psyche would have remained in a Sleeping Beauty like coma forever, but her prince charming was about to make the save.

Well it's about time you showed up, your mom is a real bitch you know?
Cupid, who had forgiven what Psyche did with in the whole "Hot wax incident", flew to his beloved Psyche and wiped the sleep from her face and placed it back into the box. Now finally reunited, Cupid wanted to finish their relationship with a wedding once and for all. This required a God who knew about honor, dignity, and upholding of nuptial values! (But since no god exists in Greek or Roman Mythology I guess they have no choice, but to talk to the man who is none of those things, Jupiter [Zeus])

I'm sure Jupiter isn't really interested in their whole marriage problem, but how to get them in a threesome with him (You can never put it past him to do that, just look how he is looking at Psyche and holding Cupid!)
And so Cupid was able to reach to Jupiter and plead his case that he and Psyche should be allowed to marry. Jupiter being the less sex crazed/deviant/rapist than his Greek counterpart ordered a formal (Well for the Greek gods that is) council of the other Olympians to decide Psyche and Cupid's fate.
After careful deliberation and arguments from both (And by that I mean the 10-11 Olympians vs Venus [and maybe Mars]) it was determined that the two could and should be allowed to marry. Jupiter himself then fetched Psyche up to Mount Olympus where she was given a drink of the divine ambrosia and made one of the immortals. It was then that Venus and Psyche begrudgingly forgave each other.
In the end Psyche and Cupid would have a daughter named Voluptas (Hedone in Greek Myth, which is where we get the word hedonism from) who later become the goddess of sensual pleasure. (So basically she is the goddess of the pleasure you get from masturbating) And with masturbation this story is finally over!

Wow a couple living happily ever? This is what the second time that this has happened in Classical Mythology?
I hoped you guys enjoyed it, this was a lot of work and this will be the last blog I'll be doing from my house, because this Friday, I'm moving in to the Indiana University of Pennsylvania. It'll probably be an easy transition since I'm technically a sophomore and have one year of community college under my belt, but the difference here is I'm on my own basically and not home anymore. So any well wishes or best of luck comments would be appreciated.
Remember to follow me on twitter: https://twitter.com/#!/AchillesF6
And be sure to send me requests, criticism, praise, or questions down at the comments section
Thank you for reading and here is a song that I personally love and think fits this story perfectly:

Oh Meat Loaf, I saw you in concert in Pittsburgh this year and you were awesome! (Even if you fainted midsong, but you got back up and sung your fucking heart out!!!! Total respect and you should be in the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame DAMNIT!)

073 Eros and Psyche, an Epic Story of True Love Part 1

2011-08-19T13:20:00.000-07:00

As requested by someone on the http://live.lordkat.com/ (Yep I be plugging on his site! What now!) he or she wanted me to do the story of Eros (Cupid for you Latin folks) and Psyche. However, I need to separate this in two or even three parts. This is a story about love, loss, and reunion, so this is kind of a unique epic of a woman trying to get her lover back when it is usually the other way around.

God I love Latin, too bad I forgot how to translate it!

Before I begin with this story, let's look at the background of it. The story comes from The Metamorphosis of Apuleius, but folks better read in Roman mythology would know it from the name St. Augustine gave it, The Golden Ass. (Ass as in donkey not buttocks) The story of Cupid and Psyche is located in book 4 where an elderly woman tells the story to a bunch of captives of bandits. Now that we have the background info, let us begin. (For this story I'm using the Roman names, but will be sure to write down the character's Greek names to help avoid confusion)

Bitch is as beautiful as me! That chick has got to suffer!

Our story begins with what else? Petty jealousy of mortals from a being who is eternally youthful and immortal. The goddess of all things beautiful and lustful Venus (Aphrodite) became jealous that a mere mortal woman, Psyche, was as beautiful as her. She devised a cruel plan, she had her son Cupid (Yeah in this myth, Eros is Aphrodite's son and not the primordial deity that we saw two blogs ago) to go into Psyche's room as she was sleeping and scratch his arrow of love onto her. When she would wake up from discomfort the first thing she would see she would fall madly in love with and what Venus wanted her to see was some vile creature.

Yep she totally deserves that fate Venus, it will in no way make you look a jealous bitch

After a long debate, Cupid agreed to go with his mother's plan and made his way to the house where Psyche lived in. He flew into her room totally invisible and slowly made his way to sleeping Psyche, who even in sleep looked absolutely breathtaking. Cupid readied his golden love arrow, prepared to ruin this woman's life forever, but something happened.

While leaning over Psyche to scratch her shoulder with his arrow, she suddenly awoke and stared right into the eyes of the invisible Cupid. The youthful god of love was startled, but was immediately in love with the beautiful girl. Thus he took the arrow and scratched himself while looking at Psyche, thus he became forever in love with her. He couldn't finish his mission, for every second he looked upon her, he found her more and more appealing. Needless to say, Venus was not going to be happy about this.

YOU DID WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When Cupid reported back to his mother, Venus was enraged as all hell. Because of his actions, Venus places a curse on poor Psyche that would prevent her from ever meeting a suitable husband, or any husband at all for that matter. (Yeah in Ancient Roman and Greek society, it was kind of VERY important for a woman to find a husband and have kids) Because she did this, Cupid got upset and decided to rebel against his own mother by not doing his duty of shooting love arrows into things in order to cause the temple of Venus to fall.

After months of nothing falling in love and having sex, the Earth began to grow old, which began to worry Venus because nobody was praising her for Cupid's actions. (Yeah Venus had a BIG ego if you can't tell) Because of this, Venus caved into Cupid's demands and allowed Cupid to have one thing go his way, this of course turned out to be he wants Psyche. Though very upset, Venus accepted his demand on the condition that he got to work immediately. He accepted the offer and took off, shoot his golden arrows as fast as he can, and restored everything to the way it should have been. People again fell in love and married, animals far and wide mated, and the Earth began to look young once again.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!

When love returned to Earth, all continued to admire and praise Psyche's beauty, but no man desired to marry her because of the curse that Venus placed on her. Worried about this, Psyche's parents went over to the oracle and asked about what they had to do with their daughter. The oracle told them that they had to leave their daughter on the nearest mountain because her beauty was not meant for mortal man.

Terrified, the parent's had no choice but to heed the oracle's advice and had sent Psyche to the nearest mountain. Once she stood at the top of this mountain, the West Wind (Zephyrus) whisked her away to a fair valley and a magnificent palace where she is attended by invisible servants until nightfall, and in the darkness of night Cupid arrived and their marriage was consummated. Cupid would visit her every night to sleep with her, but demanded her to never light up the lamps, since he didn't want her to know who he was until the time was right.

Yep your husband is a giant serpent

Cupid allowed Zephyrus to take Psyche back to her sisters and bring all three down to the palace during the day, but warned that Psyche should not listen to any argument that she should try to discover his true form. The two jealous sisters (Why is it that jealous sisters always come in twos?) told Psyche, who was now pregnant, that there was a rumor that she had married a giant and terrible serpent that was planning to eat her and her unborn child when it got hungry. They urge Psyche to conceal a knife and oil lamp in the bedchamber, to wait till her husband is asleep, and then to light the lamp and slay him at once if it is as they said.

How did I not notice those wings?

Psyche sadly followed their advice. In the light of the lamp Psyche recognized the fair form on the bed as the god Cupid himself. However, she accidentally pricked herself with one of his arrows, and is consumed with desire for her husband. She tried to kiss him, but as she did, a drop of oil fell from her lamp onto Cupid's shoulder and woke him. She watched him fly away, and she fell from the window to the ground, sick at heart. (And probably a really bad bruise from that fall)

Now as we end this part of this story, but I must finish this with the fate of Psyche's bitchy sisters.

I'm coming for you Cupid!

Psyche then found herself in the city where one of her sisters lived. She told her what had happened, then tricked her sister into believing that Cupid had chosen her as a wife on the mountaintop. Psyche later met her other sister and deceived her likewise. Each sister went to the top of the peak and jumped down eagerly, but Zephyrus did not bear them and they fell to their deaths at the base of the mountain. (Bitches deserved it though)

Now to end with a little music I think this is appropriate:

Yep some good old Tom Petty

072 Orion cures blindness by staring into the sun

2011-08-12T12:51:00.000-07:00

Today I want to talk about a story regarding the hero Orion. You know, the guy who is a constellation now? Well he is a fairly unknown hero in Greek Mythology. But there are a couple of memorable stories about the giant son of Poseidon. (Who can walk on fucking WATER!) This is the story where a king blinds him and he must find away to get his sight back and get revenge on the King Oenopion.

Sorry guys, you are going to see a lot of pics involving star charts (God damn it Google Images!)

Our story begins with Orion walking on the water before Jesus made it cool. He then spots the island of Chios off the coast of Asia Minor. Deciding to see what's what, Orion walked onto the shoreline and found a nearby city, the people welcomed him. (Then again would you try to piss off the giant with a Big Fucking Sword?) The king of the island, Oenopion, personally invited Orion as his guest and asked him to attend the royal banquet.

Orion gladly accepted and was having a grand old time with the wine. (Oenopion was the son of Dionysus and that chick that Theseus ditched) So yeah Oenopion knew how to make some good wine and pretty soon he was drunk. And like any other drunk demigod giant, Orion decided to hit on Oenopion's daughter Merope. When she said no, well the giant slapped her silly and raped her. (Our hero folks! Plus how is he going to get that in her?) Needless to say, the king was not pleased with this development, so he waited until the giant passed out and stabbed out his eyes, before having hurled back into the sea. (Again how they picked up the giant and hurled him into the sea has yet to be answered)

Won't be the last metal song I post here that involves Orion that's for sure

When Orion awoke from his drunken stupor, he realized that not only did he have one hell of a hangover, but also he was completely blind! The giant screamed at the loss of his beautiful eyes and began a long period of wandering aimlessly. He would find help though a certain Olympian he bumped into in blind meanderings.

Orion bumbled his way to the island of Lemnos, where he was received by the kind smith god Hephaestus. The lame smith led the giant to his forge and told him of a way that he could regain his sight. It turns out what our mother's said was wrong, it actually helps to stare into the sun! (WARNING: This is a joke, staring into the sun will fuck up your eyes!)

Whoa do you see... oh sorry man I forgot

Yes good old Heph told the son of Poseidon that he needed to go to the far east and seek out the lord of the Sun, Helios. It was then that the lame smith offered his young apprentice Cedalion to aid him in his journey to the farthest part of East where they could find the Titan.

The young boy was picked up by Orion and placed upon his shoulders to be the eyes for the giant. By all accounts their trek was not difficult, but who knows maybe Cedalion lost his footing and fell off Orion's shoulders and got hurt. (There I contributing in making this myth a little more interesting, hooray!)

Anyway eventually the duo reached Helios' palace and the old titan of the sun used the power of sun rays to heal his eyes. Orion then returned to Lemnos, dropped off Cedalion and thanked Hephaestus for all his help, but there was one thing still eating Orion and that was revenge.

Eh fuck it, the Underground fortress of Chios is actually the mines of Moria

He really wanted to get his hands on Oenopion and rip him into many tiny pieces. (Yes the man who took out your eyes because you physically abused and raped his daughter deserves such a fate) However, when Orion returned to the island he could not find the king. What happened to him?

Well, after he no doubt saw the angry giant walking on water toward his from his palace, King Oenopion thought, "Well shit, better to get the fuck outta Dodge!" And decided to run underground into his fortress (Ironically constructed by Hephaestus) where he would hope for Orion to get frustrated at not finding him and move on.

Luckily for the king, this is what exactly happened, Orion went up and tried to find the king, but after a while of fruitless searching the giant gave up and left Chios to search for more hot women to rape and more game to hunt. Now because the fortress that Oenopion apparently hid in was made out of metal, what better way to end it with a song by Metallica?

Yep I always save the best for last

Remember to comment, follow me on twitter (https://twitter.com/#!/AchillesF6), and of course leave COMMENTS!!!!

071 The Ousting of Ouranos and the Reign of Cronus

2011-08-05T16:36:00.000-07:00

And I'm back from my vacation in wonderful Geneva, ~~Switzerland~~ Ohio! Yeah sorry forgot to tell you about that last blog, but anyway, I'm back and I want to finish our story about the days before the Olympians and how the Titans came to rule the universe.

What? I hate ugly kids, is that so wrong?

As was said before in the last post, Ouranos had become lord and master of the universe and ruled over his wife (And Mother) Gaia. To say that Ouranos was a little controlling and abusive to her would be the understatement of the century. When she gave birth to the hundred handed beings and the original Cyclops brothers, Ouranos was like, "God damn these kids are ugly, OFF TO TARTARUS FOR YOU!" (So yeah Ouranos was kind of playing around Eugenics here, but correct me if I am wrong for thinking this)

Holy Shit! Ouranos is really Sir Christopher Lee! *insert overly dramatic music here*

After Gaia gave birth to 12 beautiful beings that became known as the Titans, Ouranos did not banish them down to the depths of Tartarus. (However, whether or not they came from Tennessee is still lost to history) Anyway, Gaia was still pissed at what her husband/son did to her other children and wanted to get rid of him for his actions.

That's right I got's me a bendy sword, fear it!

Gaia summoned the six males of the twelve Titans (Yeah it's pretty weird how these immortal beings always seem to give to birth to litters of half boys and half girls) And tried to persuade them to take out their father and release there brothers in Tartarus. She had even created a weapon for them to use, a giant obsidian sickle that was perfect for chopping off body parts. (Thankfully it lacked any bugs that could ruin it's performance) However, none would accept the call of duty, well except for one and his name was Cronus!

Yeah I could only find this metal song from this French Brutal Death Metal Band that had anything to do with Cronus

Cronus was the youngest of the first generation titans, but he was also the most ambitious. (Also he was quite handsome if the stories are to be told right) He envied the power that his father had and wanted to take it for himself, so he agreed to take the sickle and stage a coup over dear old daddy.

Hello daddy! Mother gives her regards!

While she wanted Ouranos to be taken out from ruling her and its inhabitants, Gaia also wanted Cronus to do something else to his father. She wanted him to castrate Ouranos as revenge for what he had done to their other children. Gaia would distract him as Cronus would attack when he least expect it. So the stage was set as Cronus sneaked his way and ambushed his father.

Cronus took out the Stygian (God I love that word!) sickle of obsidian and attacked. Immediately he chopped off his dad's gonads and they fell into the sea around the island of Cyprus. The blood that fell from the wounds of Ouranos would create the race of Giants (the Gigantes), the Erinyes (the tormenters of Orestes), and the Meliae (ash-tree nymphs).

And so Cronus defeated his father and ascended the throne as master of the universe. Though I think we should give a moment of silence for Ouranos' balls, because in one finally act they gave us this bombshell:

God bless you castrated balls of Ouranos and William-Adolphe Bourguereau!

And what of the sickle? Well apparently it was buried somewhere in Sicily or somewhere in the ocean or maybe the island of Korkyra (What is now the island of Corfu) Anyway, just before he was "killed" Ouranos told Cronus that he himself would be overthrown by his offspring, thus making sure that Cronus would become paranoid for the rest of his life.

Whoever said these were terrible times to live in?

The time of Cronus' reign would be known as the Golden Age, where there were no worries and humans lived in long blissfully innocent lives until they faded away into death. The titans would grow in number with the second generation coming to fill more roles that needed to be filled in this brave new world. (Must resist playing the Iron Maiden song!)

King Cronus didn't seem to like the idea of keeping his promise with Gaia and had his hundred handed and one eyed siblings remained locked up in Tartarus, but this time he added a dragon guard named Campe to keep watch of their cells. Cronus would then marry his sister Rhea and they would begin having kids, but we all know what the dear old king was doing when Rhea gave birth.

For those who needed a refresher

Well that's the end of this blog, I don't really know what I'm going to do for next week, so why don't you guys who read this blog give me ideas or suggestions in that comment box thingy at the bottom of this page? Otherwise I'll probably have to come up with something by myself, but I really want to interact with the fans who read this blog, so send me questions or requests on my twitter account at http://twitter.com/#!/AchillesF6.

Anyways thanks for reading! :)