moments of perfect clarity

some days are like that

2012-05-30T21:03:00.001+02:00

"what happened to our summer?" asked samba (strangely, he didn't question the fact that we had placed a chive flower on his head.)

today was cold, windy and grey. we were spoiled last week, i tell you, lulled into thinking we'd have an actual summer this year. but alas, it was not to be. we might even have to turn the furnace back on.

the silver lining was that i didn't want to be outside, so i got loads of work done. none of it including doing dishes or putting away clothes or vacuuming or cleaning the bathroom, which is really starting to need it. some days are like that.

then the horse got scared of some horse-eating invisible thing while i was brushing her (i blame the shift in the weather) and bonked me in the head with her head. i saw stars. and they weren't the twinkly kind in a clear, night sky. ouch.

i've still got a headache from that.

some days are like that too.

gut feelings

2012-05-29T23:20:00.000+02:00

photo of frankie's tummy (get it? gut feelings?)

how do you make decisions? do you think things through thoroughly and weigh all of the possibilities? or do you follow your heart? or a feeling in the pit of your stomach? do you take ages? or do you decide in an instant? do you line up all of your arguments and then decide? or do you do it on a whim? does it depend on what kind of decision it is - new house, new spouse, new shoes, what to have for dinner?

what happens when you make a decision in a different way than you're accustomed? when you don't follow your gut like you normally would? or when you do where you normally wouldn't? does it feel wrong and uncomfortable? or does it feel transformative?

changing is hard work. but i think that one thing that doesn't change for me is that my gut tells me the answer that's right for me when i'm facing big decisions. when i don't listen to that feeling in the pit of my stomach, i feel unsettled and just not right. there have been times when i didn't (especially a bad job and a mistake first husband) and i always regretted it. one of the changes i'm trying to make is that i tune into those feelings, listen to them and act on them. doing more of what my gut tells me to do.

the problem is that you can't always explain it. and people do look at you a bit funny when you say, "it just feels right." but i'm learning to go with the flow on that and trust my own instincts. and i'm slowly letting go of a need to explain. and at the age of 45, it's about time...

it takes two

2012-05-28T22:26:00.000+02:00

we attended the wedding of a good friend of mine this weekend. we used to work together and i used to say that she was the keeper of my brain, or at least my memory and on more than one occasion, my sanity (i should note that the times when it didn't work are entirely my own and not at all her fault). it was so great to be there to share in the happiness of her day.

it was a gorgeous weekend and she and her new husband looked so relaxed and happy amidst their friends and family. the church was lovely and filled with lilacs and people who were happy for them and children who plugged their ears when the organ played (what is up with organs? they're a terrible instrument). everyone gathered after the ceremony in her parents' beautiful, wide front yard for champagne from her father's own vineyard (in denmark, yes, it's true - and it was good!). then on to a dinner and party that lasted 'til the wee hours of the night. it was truly a stunning beginning to what i am sure will be a long and happy life together.

we stayed with her parents' neighbors, as we were a bit slow (what, me, procrastinate? really?) to book the pension they had reserved and all the rooms were gone by the time we decided we needed one. that turned out to be quite ok, because her parents' neighbors were a couple that knew husband when he was a child growing up in the heart of copenhagen. we had a leisurely breakfast with them in the sunshine before we left, reminiscing over the old times and the people husband knew when he was growing up. it is a small world after all.

but it got even smaller, as it turned out that the groom's parents had worked closely with my father-in-law on his technolution drawings - helping him with the latin names of all of them. husband and i had some nearly-tearful moments talking to the groom's mother about him. it's been more than five years since he died, but we do still miss him. it was very nice to meet someone who had known him and worked closely with him too. it made us both happy and sad at the same time and sometimes those are the best kind of emotions because they're so keenly felt. you feel alive at moments like that, when you are truly feeling something, even if it does make you feel a bit sorrowful.

a little bit weird to run into such connections from BOTH sides of husband's family (his parents split when he was 5) at a wedding where our connection to being there was actually through me, the girl from the other side of the world.

and it makes me think, once again, that we were undoubtedly meant to be. and tho' i shudder at times to think of the chain of events that had to be as it was for us to meet and how easily they could have gone another way, perhaps it's times like this that should make me realize we really were meant to be together. these things can't be coincidence, can they? there must be strong connections binding us - and we would probably have found our way to one another no matter what.

and now, our long weekend is winding to a close. a new week awaits. with new projects and new challenges ahead. but these experiences (and a lot of sunshine) leave us fortified and ready to face it head-on. but first, a bit of rest.

* most of the photos above were taken by sabin.

make hay while the sun shines

2012-05-24T23:51:00.000+02:00

the weather is absolutely glorious.
the sun doesn't set 'til after 10 p.m.
we're soaking up the light.
and time with the kittens.
it's good to spend time with kittens.
they live in the moment like nobody's business.

my writing is all going elsewhere at the moment (they pay me for it there).
but i'm bursting with thoughts.
and pieces of ~~sanity~~ ~~madness~~ things that i need to share.
but it feels like there's no time at the moment.
like the words are all gone when i sit down here in this space, where they usually flow so freely.
or maybe i'm just called outside by light like this.

and perhaps my extra words are going to an old friend who just got back in touch.
and it feels like they belong to her right now.
and i like that.

but it's also because business is finally taking off.
and i'm busy.
in a good way.
unexpected projects came our way (two in the past week).
and they're giving me energy.
the good kind.

and i've got plane tickets in hand.
which always feels good.
and it's been far too long.
sabin and i will go to the states this summer, for three weeks.
we'll visit friends and family and play with horses.
and buy converse and go to the gap and starbucks and get a new iPad.

there's so much to look forward to.
but there's also so much to love and enjoy about here and now.
(they promise sunshine 'til next tuesday.)

when istanbul was constantinople

2012-05-23T11:06:00.001+02:00

i just read about orhan pamuk's newly-opened museum of innocence in istanbul. it's a brilliant concept, actually - because the museum is an extension of his novel of the same name. a novel and a museum as two representations of the same story - quite clever, really. and it makes me long to go to istanbul. i haven't read that novel (am ordering it immediately from the library), but from what i can gather, it is permeated with nostalgia for an instanbul that is no more. there's something about balkan writers - they walk a fine line between kitsch and nostalgia and usually, they walk it well. go and read the piece about the museum. then i'll meet you there!

why is it?

2012-05-22T23:44:00.000+02:00

i have taken somewhere in the neighborhood of 120,000 photos (not kidding) since acquiring my nikon D60 in may 2008. my child, who is 11, has probably taken 1000 or so. i hand her the camera. she takes two photos before wandering off and both of them are more brilliantly composed, focused, lit and captured than the 63 i took this evening.

she's a natural.

i am both proud and a little bit envious.

kittens!

2012-05-22T14:17:00.002+02:00

the weather is awesome. business is good. so you get cute pictures of kitties. most of which were taken by sabin.

sunday evening satisfactions

2012-05-20T23:21:00.000+02:00

no bunnies were brutally killed.

there was sunshine.

there was lying on a blanket in the grass.

surrounded by playing kittens.

reading a good book (or at least trying to).

there was wine.

and interesting conversation.

and good food.

and fresh bread.

there were three fridays in a row.

there were interesting couchsurfers.
and the last episode of downton abbey (for now).

there were summer plane tickets secured.

and countdown calendars made.

there was rhubarb turned into juice. and crumble. and curd.

and fresh green beech leaves soaked in gin.
and the pure hope that is a garden.

there were horses traded.

and horses visited.

and horses turned out to pasture for the summer.
and horses dancing on their tippy toes.

there was dirt under the fingernails.

and the smell of freshly-mown grass.

and fields ablaze in yellow.

there were eggs gathered.

and chives chopped.

and a family project that succeeded.

it was everything a long weekend should be and more.

life is happy, full and content.

and we are fortified to face the week ahead.

sunday morning politics

2012-05-20T09:08:00.000+02:00

back when i was in high school, we went every autumn to the world wide paint horse congress in wichita, kansas. as you probably know, wichita is a hotbed of rabid anti-abortion folks and other than the big horse show at the kansas coliseum and the hearty meals at the red barn inn, that's what i remember of the place. we'd drive past planned parenthood clinics where protestors with graphic signs verbally (and possibly physically) assaulted innocent folks who were going in for their yearly check-ups. it always raised a defiant feeling in me, making me wish i needed an abortion, just so i could march past those people (who i am quite sure were not at all prepared to take responsibility for unwanted babies, should they not be aborted) and exercise my choice over my own body. i've mellowed since then and while i'm glad i never needed an abortion, i'm glad that the choice was there for me if i had.

this whole debate over same-sex marriage actually triggers a similar response in me. tho' i am a happily married heterosexual woman, the whole rabid righteousness of the debate makes me want to find a nice girl and settle down.

frankie

2012-05-17T13:29:00.000+02:00

i dearly wish this photo was in focus.

i'm not really sure why it's not, except sometimes my macro lens does that.

frankie is our favorite of our batch of four kittens.

they're all boys.

here's some shots of him that are more in focus.

it's a bit of a challenge getting him to hold still for his photoshoot.

the road ahead

2012-05-15T22:28:00.000+02:00

the way is clear, the light is good, i have no fear, nor no one should.

it has been a rather long and winding road, at times blocked by obstacles and obscured by fog, but it seems to suddenly have cleared and things are picking up speed. i've got my seatbelt on and i'm ready for the ride.

i don't want to go all new agey on you here, but honestly, it seems that the best thing you can do in life is surround yourself with people who give you energy instead of taking it away or trying to smother it when they see it in you. i got wind of some of those people today, but because i've built up a new wall of energy-giving people and experiences around me over the past few months, it had no effect. and that was a new experience for me. one i definitely want to have more often.

it also seems that putting out positive energy brings more of it your way. a new project came our way out of the blue today and it's full of positivity. even rainy, cloudy days can't hold us back now, the road ahead is clear.

70 years of luck

2012-05-14T22:13:00.000+02:00

i bought a stack of old books at the flea market the other day. among them was a little almanac for northern norway for 1942. i grabbed it because it had quaint handwriting in the back and interesting charts of things like animal prints in the snow and old norwegian measurements and how they compared to the metric system. i was paging through it today and found this perfect four-leaf clover. tho' my family helpfully, immediately and most unromantically suggested that it could have been put there anytime since, i choose to believe it was tucked in here in 1942.

that's 70 years of good luck.

i imagine it has such stories to tell and that if i listen very carefully, it will whisper them to me. (possibly in norwegian.)

a weekend of contrasts

2012-05-13T23:09:00.002+02:00

oh what a weekend. highs. lows. sorrows. satisfaction. relaxation. tension. irritations. delights. wind. sunshine. clouds. laughter. tears. all of the contrasts you can imagine.

at the end of it, we are tired in a good way from working outdoors.
we have 15 rows of potatoes planted.
all of the kale we seeded is up. and so are the beans. the squash are showing signs of bursting forth.
the strawberries are loaded with blooms.
the garden is prepped for planting as soon as those pesky cold nights are gone for good.

we are down one more bunny (don't ask).
we are very angry with one tiger cat (see above).
there were tears. many tears. and soul-wrenching screams.

we have new old cups and a new old teapot.
i love how my needlepoint pillow looks on the bed.
i used the new bowl to mix the eggs for my salmon tart, even tho' it was a bit shallow for that.
i loved it anyway.

bates can't really be guilty on downton abbey, can he?
and it's good that kate won australian master chef 2011. she seems like a good person.

i didn't get the stalls cleaned,
but i did move the kittens into a new nest in the straw, since they're starting to toddle around.
i did wonder if their little legs would be able to hold up their fat bodies.
but it looks like it's going ok.

i'm ready for the week ahead.
it's a short, but exciting one.
short because of kristihimmelfart (that's my favorite name for a holiday) on thursday.
exciting because of new projects and not-so-old ones that are progressing well.

happy sunday evening, one and all.

flea market loot

2012-05-12T20:29:00.000+02:00

i've long been looking for one (or 14) of these bread dough troughs. i didn't really want one that was painted, but i was somehow charmed by this folk-art motif and the price was right, so i got this one today. i'd like to actually use it, but who knows what's in that paint, so i'll likely not. i see it as the first of a collection.

i found that most everything that caught my eye today was a bit 70s. cups, the teapot, the pitchers, the bowl and the pillow (oh, that pillow, i love it so much). i think it's because we listened to america's greatest hits on the way to the flea market. humming: i've been through the desert on a horse with no name...

i've been wanting some copper pans for a long time, if only to hang them on the wall, but also to experiment with small batch dyeing. i found these two at a stand where everything was 50% off. the handles are really cool (tho' you can't really see that here) too, so that was an extra bonus.

the small string of rustic bells and beads make a sound like they should be hanging on the door of a shop full of magical things. since i want to have a such a shop one day, i had to have them. i think times have been a bit slow, because all of the dealers were eager to bargain. it was a good day to be a buyer.

these cups are by nissen denmark and the pattern is called rune. these with no handles are actually sugar bowls, but i scoured several stands, looking for them, because we want to use them as cups. one crotchety older lady lectured me about how they were sugar bowls and not cups, but i didn't care. and ultimately neither did she when i said i'd take all she had. it's the best trip i've had to the flea market in years.

* * *

loving anne brodersen's amazing embroidery art.

picture perfect bunny and other pretty things

2012-05-10T20:26:00.001+02:00

after losing her gorgeous sister earlier in the week, i appreciate peaches even more.
tho' i don't actually know if she is a she or a he.

i might have accidentally let snowy and samba spend some time together today. but it was only because snowy keeps pretending to be pregnant. she pulls out all her tummy fur and makes a nest and then nothing happens.

it was 15 years ago today that i met husband for the first time. but i'll admit that due to my lack of acquaintance with the domestication and grooming standards of the danish male, i actually thought he was gay. turns out he was just pretty (and not at all gay, tho' that's likely too much information). and he actually gets prettier all the time (even if i do say so myself). kind of like this bunny, actually.

taking the back way

2012-05-10T14:15:00.002+02:00

i meandered the back roads yesterday, deciding that although there was a very fine rain and it was a bit grey, i wouldn't let it stop me from getting some shots of the rapeseed fields, which are in their full glory around the danish countryside right now. sometimes, you just have to stop and enjoy the scenery.

a little story and a new blog

2012-05-09T12:03:00.000+02:00

i accidentally stole my bathrobe from a japanese hotel in 2007. i know what you're thinking, "sure it was an accident, you're not fooling us." but really it was. they kept folding it up all perfectly at the foot of my bed and as i was trying to ~~stuff~~ fold carefully all the ~~crap~~ totally necessary items of clothing i bought in the gap into my suitcase, i accidentally scooped up the neatly folded bathrobe as well. i didn't even realize i had it 'til ~~weeks later when~~ i properly unpacked my suitcase at home. it's very simple and plain and really not me, but i love it anyway. it's made of this waffley-woven creamy cotton with a simple brown binding. it wears like iron and despite numerous washings, still has perfect creases down the sleeves, tho' i've never touched an iron to it. those japanese, they know what they're doing.

* * *

i'd like to announce a new project. you can take a peek at it right here.

my partner on forage: east and west is amy. we worked together years ago at a newspaper. it was my part-time college job and she was the editorial editor. we had a lot of great times back then, but we lost touch over the years, but thanks to that old frenemy facebook, we got back in touch over the past year. we realized we had even more in common than ever and decided to start a blog together (you should know by now that's my answer to everything). amy lives in colorado and in addition to being a writer is also a chef, so you can expect lots of good recipes on the new blog. we're going to compare what's in season here and there, share recipes and inspiration and hopefully have a whole lot of guest posts/interviews with foragers more experienced than we are. i hope you'll stop by and check it out.

a little collection of what's on my mind

2012-05-08T10:36:00.001+02:00

after seeing the delightfully weird me and you and everyone we know on the silver channel a few weeks ago, i ordered one of miranda july's books of short stories from the library. she had written and directed and even starred in (if you can call it that) the film. like the film, the stories in no one belongs here more than you are quite internal, lonely, odd, strangely sexual and have an undertone of a desperate hanging on (to love, to life, to sanity). they're provocative and both depressed and depressing. they're not really that good for the kind of bedtime reading that i like to do. i'm just not sure i need that much loneliness right before bedtime.

which isn't to say that i don't like the book, i do (i'm only about halfway done with it). i think miranda july (i can't make either of her names look right alone, so i have to use both) captures a kind of internal voice that we maybe all have, tho' many of us have been socialized to repress it. but there's also something of the inherent loneliness of the urban world that we inhabit. tho' we are surrounded by people, we are, for much of the time, quite alone. and we are utterly alone in our own thoughts. that also shines through in her film. loneliness is clearly her big theme.

i think her writing is deep and beautiful and i envy it a bit. the seeming freedom with which she expresses the inner, slightly embarrassing thoughts that i'm certain we all have, is a place i just don't dare to go. it has a raw vulnerability that i don't think i ever allow myself in my writing. but it's doing me good to read it and think it over.

* * *

the bugs bunny line repeats over and over in my head in ominous wagnerian tones: "i killed the wabbit." because yesterday, due to a bad decision made by me, this little beauty of a bunny was callously killed by pepchen, our mama kitty.

we have a big cage that we put out on the lawn for the bunnies to get some sunshine, grass and fresh air. i had solskin and her five babies, who are three and a half weeks old now, out in the cage all afternoon. i kept going out to check on them and they were doing well. they were enjoying themselves and tho' i was going to be leaving to pick up some feed, i consciously decided to leave them out because they were so enjoying frolicking in the sunshine and i wouldn't be gone long. the little bunnies can sometimes find a place to get outside the cage, but they hadn't really done so all day. so i went.

when i came back 20 minutes or so later, i looked out the laundry room window and saw pepchen suspiciously stalking the cage. so i ran out and chased her away. i discovered the little black velvet bunny on the outside of the cage and couldn't find creamy (the bunny above) anywhere. i took the others all inside to their real cage in the barn and proceeded to search and call for creamy for 45 minutes or more. growing more and more concerned. and then, as i was going back to the house, i saw her still little body lying underneath the trampoline. killed, but not eaten (thankfully), by the cat before i stopped her. i will admit i shed tears and felt so guilty about it all evening. the poor little innocent life, taken by the cat. we're mad at pepchen, but in all honesty, she couldn't help herself, it was just her nature. i suppose we'll forgive her in time, but for now, we are mourning the loss of little creamy. she was such a beautiful and sweet little bunny soul and we will miss her.

* * *

playing words with friends isn't much fun if your opponent is using a cheat site.

and p.s. it's easy to tell.

* * *

årstiderne, the fabulous folks behind the weekly deliveries of organic veg and other goodies, have just come out with a gin & tonic box!! handmade in denmark, small batch gin by ørbæk distillery and organic tonic. swoon! i swear their awesomeness knows no bounds.

* * *

i've developed an allergy to the designation DIY that's quite similar to my allergy to LOL. i blame pinterest for this. here's the deal, if it's obvious that it's a craft, you don't need to call it DIY. example: origami? not DIY. stitching? not DIY. knitting? not DIY. hacking an ikea lamp? maybe. the photo above contains several great examples of DIY - the boxes for the herb beds are DIY. the custom-built mini greenhouse that fits over one of the herb bed boxes: DIY. the pizza oven in the background, definitely DIY. because they are definitely Do It Yourself - they are drawn out, designed and built, all by husband, so not really myself, but they are real DIY. origami birds are not. they are just origami.

* * *

yesterday, while sabin got a much-needed haircut, i sat playing on my phone while i waited. it was the end of the day and the two young women who have the salon had a friendly banter going with a young man who came in for a haircut. he was probably in his mid-20s and lives in a local group home. he was independent enough to come down to the hairdresser on his own and to hand her an envelope of money to pay for the haircut which had been prepared for him beforehand by someone at the group home. he came in with a bouquet of dandelions behind his back and presented them with a smile. he teased the girl who was cutting his hair, saying he'd rather have the hairdresser who was doing sabin's hair. he talked a lot about a singer he liked and how his hair was white on the ends. he also repeated several times that he was going to the circus that evening and how much he's like one of those circus posters that were up around town. he had sharply observed that there were several different versions of the poster, but he definitely wanted the one with the clown. the girl cutting his hair kept up a cheerful and even teasing banter with him, which made him feel good and validated as a person. and which impressed me greatly as a spectator to the entire encounter. his lack of the social filter that holds us back from fully enjoying and fully jumping into a conversation, made for a pleasant atmosphere in the salon in general. i don't know what his diagnosis was, but i'm pleased we go to a salon where the girls who work there were so good at making him feel like the whole and worthy individual he undoubtedly is. it's a shame that culture and society in general often look upon someone like him in the opposite manner, not appreciating the gifts he has, but rather lamenting those he doesn't. and i'll admit that i wasn't entirely comfortable at first with his lack of the societal mask. but as i sat there, listening, i came to appreciate it very much. we could all learn a lesson from him in being entirely who we are in the moment.

window shopping in copenhagen - part 4

2012-05-08T07:38:00.000+02:00

and the last installment of my window shopping in copenhagen. this time, the clothing-related ones.

i do rather wish my reflection hadn't been visible in these.

fragments of dreams

2012-05-07T09:56:00.001+02:00

door to another world

i worry sometimes about the world i inhabit in my dreams. about the ways it overlaps with my waking world. and the ways it doesn't. the odd cast of characters that show up over there. some who are thankfully no longer in my waking world and i wonder why they're suddenly in my dream world. fragments of conversation from this side bleed over onto that side. it's like some kind of weird convergence where master chef meets the ghosts of boyfriends past in downton abbey. it's exhausting at times. i should probably watch less t.v. and stay off facebook.

window shopping in copenhagen - part 3

2012-05-07T07:38:00.000+02:00

more windows from our wander around copenhagen on the big prayer day. tho' i love living in the country, sometimes you just need a fix of the city.

oh, and by the way, about the big prayer day. it's one of the many spring holidays in denmark. king christian IV got fed up with all of the little prayer days back in the 17th century and rolled them all into one big prayer day - storebededag - the big prayer day. so you could get all your prayers done in one go. the current government, whose Big Plan to Save the Danish Welfare State is for everyone to work 12 minutes more a day, wants to do away with it.

window shopping in copenhagen - part 2

2012-05-06T07:38:00.000+02:00

more window treatments from my afternoon in copenhagen on the big prayer day. luckily for my wallet, everything was closed.

window shopping in copenhagen - part 1

2012-05-05T21:58:00.002+02:00

it was the big prayer day, so everything was closed. that was undoubtedly for the best. but i couldn't resist a bit of window shopping in wonderful copenhagen.

up a tree

2012-05-04T10:25:00.000+02:00

we were out on a bike ride last evening and we found this little kitty in a position similar to this - up a tree. meowing.

we coaxed her down and into my bike basket and brought her home, as she seemed alone and scared.

we brought her home and then our mama kitty, pepchen, chased her up this tree.

and then sat there, looking innocent, like, "nope, wasn't me."

"i'm just enjoying the view on this lovely evening."

we named her sweetheart sally cupcake. she seemed ok with that. and once you name a cat, it's yours, right?

apparently she didn't think so, as we can't find her this morning. she wasn't exactly given a warm welcome around here, but she sure was a cutie. but i imagine someone was missing her and she headed home. it wasn't really that far away.

wherein she overuses the word "energy"

2012-05-03T21:53:00.001+02:00

choosing your path

such an awesome day. i went to a place where i know there is truly bad energy palpable in the very air. in fact, it was actually proven by a strange phenomenon as i approached...it was a sunny and gorgeous morning. several times along the way, i wished i had time to stop and snap a photo or two, the light was so beautiful, glowing golden green on the fields. but as i approached my destination, a heavy, grey fog settled over the very buildings themselves. the bad energy inside seemingly manifesting as an actual weather phenomenon outside. quite extraordinary.

but i was in a good place (thanks to my week of positivity) and took my positive energy inside with me, honestly feeling no apprehension about it, despite knowing what i knew about the place. and i was able to keep it all day, even tho' there were times when it flagged somewhat (hungry will do that to anyone). it helped that i was working with someone who definitely gives me positive energy. and even at the end of the day, i felt great. instead of being tired and finished, i had all of the energy i needed to change clothes and jump on my bike and go meet sabin, who was biking home. we found a sad, lost kitty in the forest along the way (and brought her home in my bike basket). then we ate out in the garden, grilling a leisurely dinner and having a glass of wine and enjoying the gorgeous weather.

it helped that the topic of today's course was on written communication. as we know, i love that. but honestly, a big part today was that on sunday night i decided to have a great week. i don't want to go all new agey, but it seems that there is something to the power of positive thinking (and sunshine). and of working with people who give you energy instead of taking it away.

i must remember this. it seems to be a powerful thing and gives new meaning to the notion of renewable energy.