mommaerts :: blog

2016-09-08T21:29:00.000-05:00

Alright folks... I had my MRI last week and Holly and I saw the doc at Texas Oncology today.

Good news: I'm not gonna die anytime soon.

Bad news: Six weeks ago the tumor was 3.99 mm across or 49 mm3, last week it was 7.69 mm or 155 mm3 (roughly.) It is steadily growing and the previous scan was not an anomaly (damn.)
Here are the options at this point:

Wait: We wait six more weeks, scan again and see how big it is.
Radiation: Blast it with radiation! Not a fan of this before surgery.
Chemotherapy: This seems to be the least favorable by all parties at this point.
DNX 2401 (formerly Delta 24) Trial: Apparently this has only been in trial for glioblastomas and not ependymomas. Dr. Conrad (RIP) seemed to be all over it but Dr. Groves thinks otherwise. The trial involves a re-engineered cold virus that is injected into the tumor, eats it, and dies. It's cutting edge stuff but has a LOT of requirements and unknowns. The doctor did have a good point in that maybe in ten years it will be a proven cure and will be more readily available.
Surgery: Have rockstar Dr. Lang do his magic again and take the sucker out. As Dr. Groves said, maybe it gives us 5-10 more years and if it comes back maybe DNX2401 will be a proven cure.

Decision: We decided that at this time it will be best to transfer care back to MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston to Dr. Lang to discuss what to do next. I trust his opinion. He is one of the top neurosurgeons in the country. They are going to call me to schedule an appointment. We’ll go again presumably in six weeks and have another scan and a talk. I am guessing that we’ll be having another surgery to take it out in early 2017. This will give the tumor time to grow a bit larger so that it is easier to target. Maybe we’ll follow-up with radiation this time around.

How do I feel? Well, I don’t feel great, I mean.. There’s an unknown foreign body growing in my brain.. again. Sheesh.. I was a bit shaky talking to the doc (or I was cold) and talking about this crap is never easy. But it IS easier the third time around (really.) Thinking of surgery I asked the doctor what was around the tumor site this time as it is deeper than before… he said it is probably my foot motor center in the brain. I told him I already can’t move it that much so whatevs. Then he says, probably sensation. So a numb limb (yay!) But, we really don’t know at this point.

We are also starting to think about stupid stuff like... updating wills, getting stuff done that we have not yet, spending time together (dates!!) We also looked at the last surgery as a reference and I was in the hospital for 10 days and in the Houston area for almost two weeks. Last time it was easy… no kid. This time around we have Abi so we have to figure out what to do with her in school two days a week. And I’m not sure her being around post surgery in the hospital is a great idea. I think we have expenses covered for the most part as we have Tricare and they cover quite a bit, it's a blessing. A pain sometimes, but a blessing nonetheless.

Where do we go from here? We wait. We plan. We enjoy life. As I said before.. We’ll get through this. Thank you to everyone for your concern, thoughts, kind words and prayers. This is the easy part, the tricky part is yet to come. Thanks for riding along with us on our journey… (again.)

#cancer #braintumor #ependymoma

Getting reacquainted with cancer... for the third time

2016-07-27T15:36:00.002-05:00

I cannot believe we have not posted in three years! I'll get down to it...

I had a brain MRI done about a week ago and today I got to see my Neuro-Oncologist... but not my regular doctor.. Dr. Conrad unfortunately passed away from an accident that apparently occurred at his home. Sad thing, he was a rock star, one of the top 100 is the US. I'll miss the guy. So instead I saw Dr. Groves, he and Dr. Conrad both came to Austin from MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston, they know the staff back there very well. Good thing too, because today the scans showed an abnormality.

Six months ago the scans were perfectly clear. Today, which was my five year scan, shows a mass about 5mm across in size below the original tumor site further down in my brain. Dr. Groves is pretty certain that the tumor, an Ependymoma Grade III, has returned. We know its been there less than six months, but we do not know the pace it is growing at.

Top row of images show the white dot which is the tumor, bottom row is six months ago.

Tomorrow Dr. Groves is going to speak with Dr. Lang back at MD Anderson Brain and Spine, who was my neurosurgeon back in 2011, they will discuss the scans and come up with a plan. Right now there are three obvious options: surgery (again), radiation (last done in 2006) and the experimental Delta 24 (DNX2401) trial that Dr. Conrad and Dr. Lang worked together on. In addition, we will be doing another MRI in six weeks to see if we can chart the growth rate of the tumor.

We don't know much more than that at this point. When I heard the news I felt like I got the wind knocked out of me for a bit, but had to realize that we have this and this is the smallest we have ever found it which is a good thing. On the long drive home filled with rain and traffic, I notified Holly, family, and my closest friends in my battle to let them know. Now I am letting you know because we have never kept this a secret. We hope that what we have gone through over the past ten years has helped somebody out there going through something similar. Am I scared? Yes. Anxious, sick, worried, tired? All yes.

I don't want to go through this again. I hate it. I hate it for anyone that has gone through this. The uncertainty and questions. I don't want to go through it again and I don't want Holly to either. But now there's Abigail. I never wanted her to have to experience Daddy going through this like he did the past two times, but she will.

I know what you're thinking.. how can you help? Pray. Pray for a miracle. Pray for healing. Pray that the dot in the MRI was an anomaly and won't be there in six weeks. Don't feel sorry for us, fight with us. Encourage us. Be there if we need it. That's what we'll need in the coming weeks.
We'll get through this. I'll survive. I may lose more function after another surgery, but at least I'll have my life and family.

‪#‎cancer‬ ‪#‎braintumor‬ ‪#‎ependymoma‬

One Year Ago Today

2013-05-16T23:14:00.001-05:00

So… ah… yeah, we are a little behind in blogging. An entire year behind. Our last blog post was also the day our daughter, Abigail Juliette, was born. Thinking about our last blog post being Roger’s story of Abigail’s birth, I realized I have not written my story down. I am worried if I do not write it down I will forget details or possibly forget it completely. And when Abi asks me in the future how she was born I will not be able to tell her. So I am going to attempt, one year later, to tell my story of her birth.

On Wednesday, May 16, 2012, I woke up around 6:00 am and as usual the first thing I did was go to the restroom and there was blood on the toilet paper. Periodically during my stay at the hospital when I would get up to go to the restroom there would be spots of blood when I wiped, sometimes a little more, but it never continued to bleed. So I figured this time was the same. Since I really wanted to get to full term (36 weeks) and my scheduled caesarean section, I really hoped it was nothing. As I sat back in the hospital bed I felt blood flow. I did not even try to look myself as I couldn't see past my belly for some time now. I remember thinking, “It will probably stop.” I called the nurse as I had to do every time I saw blood even if it was just spots. I texted Roger to let him know just in case. She checked my pad and said there was some but we would wait a bit to see if it stopped. Almost immediately I felt flow again. So I called her back. She said she was calling my OB. It seemed like every time I thought about it I would feel blood flow again. The feeling of blood under me drove me a bit crazy. I did not like the feeling of sitting in the wetness especially blood. Roger and I were texting back and forth about whether he should start heading to the hospital. I think my uncertainty was because I really wanted to make it to full term. It seemed like not very much time went by and blood flowed so many times I finally remember sighing deeply and thinking, “Okay, this is probably it.” My OB arrived and without hesitating much after she asked me what happened she said it was time. I remember thinking, “Wait, don’t you want to wait a little bit to see if stops?”, but knew in my gut it was time. I texted my sister I was going to have the c-section. The nurses began to prep me for the OR. Roger was on his way. We did not know if he would make it in time, but someone assured me they would wait for him. The OR team arrived and put an IV in my arm just in case they needed it even though I had one in the other arm already. I remember discussing with them if they really needed to give me two. I really hate IVs especially after 26 days in the hospital and having to get a new one every few days. They took me to the OR in the hospital bed and moved me over to the surgical table. They told me to sit on the table facing the wall. One OR nurse stood in front of me to help me while they inserted the spinal block. I thought it was weird to sit up while blood was flowing out of me still. But I did what they said of course. I was very nervous about the spinal block. Spinal blocks and epidurals freak me completely out. Just the thought of where they put them scares me. I think I told the anesthesiologist I was nervous about it. He talked me through it as he did it. I pretty much immediately started feeling numbness and when they told me to lay back I thought, “How can I if I am numb below my waist.” But of course I was able to lay back.

A lot of stuff started happening and I couldn’t really see much. Dr. Miller and Dr. April came and talked to me by my head. I felt good they were there and confident about them taking care of me and Abigail. There was so much going on but time felt like it was flying. I started to feel very nervous, almost sick to my stomach. I remember thinking I just wanted it to be over. Hurry up and get this over with. I had previously told Dr. Miller during check-ups that I wanted to know everything that was going on during the c-section. But I felt so sick and didn’t want to know anything. I just wanted it to be over. So I got the nerve to speak up and said, “Dr. Miller?” And she said, “Yes?” To which I responded, “I know I said before I wanted to know everything that was happening, but I changed my mind.” Everyone in the OR laughed, including me. I did not know Dr. Miller had begun trying to find Abigail’s heart beat as the other prep was happening. All of a sudden I hear her say something about the heart beat and then I hear, “This is happening now.” All of a sudden a drape was put up right at my face it seemed. And I swear in less than one minute I heard a baby cry. I remember being surprised by it then I just started crying. I felt like I was shaking the whole table with my crying but I am sure I just felt that way. I know stuff was still going on below and I could tell the baby was taken to the side but I could not see anything. I don’t remember if they told me anything about Abigail but I think they did ask me her name. Then a NICU nurse, Priscilla, appeared beside my head on the right side with Abigail all swaddled up in those striped blankets you always see babies in at hospitals. She said something to me like, “Here’s your beautiful daughter. Give her a kiss.” Priscilla’s angelic face and excitement about Abigail made me feel so good. Then she shoved Abigail’s face at my face and I kissed her. She told me they were taking her straight to the NICU. I asked her if my husband Roger was going with them and she confirmed that he was right outside the door waiting and he would be with Abigail. I am sure with everything that just happened, the emergency c-section, the abrupt birth, and the separation of myself and my baby, caused me to feel very overwhelmed. I started trying to breathe deeply and slowly to get my nerves in check and try to calm myself. I guess it was fairly loud because Dr. Miller asked me from the other side of the drape if I was okay. I told her, "I think I am just nervous." She asked me if I wanted anything to help and I told her I did not know. She probably signaled the anesthesiologist because he appeared next to my head on the right side and began talking to me in such a calm way. It really helped me be able to make a decision and I let him go ahead and give me something.

That’s all I remember. I woke up in recovery in what I thought was thirty minutes after the c-section. Boy was I wrong. It turns out it was many hours after Abigail was taken from the OR. I did not know this until the next day, but my placenta would not detach from the uterus and I had lost a lot of blood already. A balloon was inserted after the placenta was finally removed to help stop the bleeding. It finally stopped enough for them to be satisfied to take me to recovery then I was sent back to Labor & Delivery to be observed until the bleeding stopped completely and I was safe. If the bleeding did not stop with the balloon they would have removed my uterus to stop it. I was in and out of consciousness until they moved me to L&D. I remember seeing and talking to our neighbor Paul who was dropping of a gift but they thought he was a delivery guy and let him come into recovery. I asked him where Roger was and I guess he went to find him. I still did not know at this time that hours had passed since the c-section. I went back to the same room in L&D I was in each time I had a big bleed and was taken to the hospital. It was right across from the OR just in case I needed to go back in. Nurses were checking on me frequently. Between the bleeding of my uterus, the catheter, and the saline for the IV, I was surrounded by bags that nurses were checking often. They would lift up a bag and I could see blood or urine and wondered what was going on. They were always telling me stuff or asking me questions but I couldn’t understand much of what they were telling me. It was almost like I didn’t care. I knew I would be okay eventually and Abigail was in good hands. I had complete confidence everything was going to be okay. I could feel the tube from the balloon coming out of me and it always felt like it was coming out. I woke up once and looked up and saw bags of blood on the IV pole. That was quite a shock to see. I received a lot of pain medication that first day and night. I was so out of it. The next morning was more of the same in terms of nurses in and out checking bags of fluids. I received two more bags of blood and my OB explained my blood was still not how it should be from losing so much after the c-section. I do remember thinking, "This sucks. C-sections suck. I wouldn't wish this on my enemy." Maybe mine was worse because of the emergency and my placenta issues, but I hated the experience. By the end of the day, the doctors were satisfied with my blood and my uterus to move me to postpartum. Before moving me over, the nurse moving me noticed the time and took us to the NICU first so I could finally see Abigail. I only had a few minutes before visiting time

was over for the night and I was glad I got to see her. I think we were in the NICU for about five minutes before we had to leave. I think I saw her twice the next day and three times the fourth day. From then I saw her at every visiting time until I was discharged on Sunday night.

I remember being glad to finally get out of the hospital and that I was healthy enough to go home, but wondered how I was going to get to the hospital to see Abigail since I couldn’t drive for two weeks. Plus I was pumping every three hours and wanted to get my breast milk to the NICU for her. My dear friend Lana Joy drove me as often as I wanted and even came to the NICU and helped bottle feed Abi after I breastfed her. I started driving a week and a half later and went to the NICU every day myself and every other night with Roger. After a few restarts of the countdown to take Abigail home due to breathing and heart issues, we finally brought her home eighteen days after her birth.

It has been an amazing year. And it has gone by so fast. Everyone says it goes by fast. I realized a few weeks ago why it goes by so fast. The first six months were truly a complete blur of just trying to survive. All that was important during that time was getting sleep, eating and taking care of Abi 24-7. The first year goes by so fast because you really do not remember the first six months clearly. I do feel like things started getting a lot easier at six months. Yes, it got easier up to six months, but it was slow. Like by minutes easier. As Abigail could stay awake longer and longer between naps, it also got a lot more fun. She really is a lot of fun. I feel like we are always laughing. And we play a lot. Sometimes I think for a second I should be doing something productive like laundry or mopping, but since I am naturally lazy, I easily convince myself that stuff is not important and can wait. I am playing with my baby. I do feel so extremely blessed I get to stay home with her full time and Roger works from home. We all get to play a lot.

Abigail Juliette Mommaerts

2012-05-17T18:08:00.000-05:00

If you have not heard... she's here!!

Abigail Juliette Mommaerts

Born May 16, 2012 at 8:55am

4lbs 10oz 18inches

Quick summary of yesterday’s events… Holly had bleeding when she got up at about 6am. The bleeding did not seem to be stopping. Holly texted me at home and we tried make a decision on if I should come up or not. I went ahead and got things together and about 7:45am they told me to come up. I hopped in the truck and drove in rush hour traffic (as quickly as I could) and got there at 8:35am. I came to the room where Holly was taken from and the nurses were there waiting for me to get me dressed in scrubs to join Holly in the OR. I made it to the OR at about 8:45am and was asked to take a seat and wait for them to call me in. There was another gentleman there whose wife was having a scheduled C-Section and we talked for a bit and he took that picture of me. He got called back and I continued to wait. As I was sitting there I heard about ten short very loud cries and I was confused. I knew it could not be the guy that just left, so was it mine? 9am came around and a nurse came to tell me that the baby was out because they had to move quicker than planned. I learned later that they were almost ready for me to come in but when they were looking for Abi’s heartbeat they could not find it. They decided right then to get the baby out as soon as possible. They cut Holly open and got her out immediately. Turns out she was just hiding from the monitor and was fine all the time. They let me look thru the OR window and I saw Abi being tended to at the left of the room, and then I looked right and saw Holly on the table with a drape right below her neck, she was smiling and talking to the Anesthesiologist. Then I looked at her lower body and I saw a large red bloody ball on her belly. I asked later and I was right in assuming it was her uterus.

Abi was delivered with no problem other than she was delivered prematurely at 34.5 weeks. She came out of the OR and I joined her as she was moved to the NICU. Back in the OR, the doctors had a hard time detaching the placenta from the uterus. It was growing into the uterus and when it was removed there was excessive bleeding inside the uterus. So much so, that Holly received a transfusion of two units of red blood cells. A balloon was placed inside the uterus and filled with saline fluid. That along with the uterus contracting, as it usually does after delivery, helped to stop the bleeding.

Birth Certificate Footprints

Back in the NICU, I was present while the nurses helped Abi clear her lungs of amniotic fluid. I watched them weigh her and measure her length. They inked her feet and took footprints for the birth certificate. Then they hooked her up to all the machines to monitor her breathing, pulse, blood pressure, oxygen level, and they put a cannula in her tiny nostrils to deliver oxygen. They also placed a tiny IV in her hand. Seeing her brought me so much joy and happiness. Her little hands are so soft and they grasp my finger whenever I put my finger in her hand. I have never felt so proud in my life and have never teared up just by looking at something. She is so beautiful. There are no words. I can’t wait until I can hold her in my own arms.

Holly’s parents and my parents came to the hospital to see Abigail and to see Holly for a short while. It was short for them but long for me. They are allowed into the NICU with only the parents and one at a time. Each time you enter the NICU you must scrub-in up to your elbows for three minutes and cannot wear any jewelry on your wrists or fingers. Doing this four times plus my own visits to see her was a bit tiring yesterday, but I am glad they got to see their grandbaby. My sister was also kind enough to bring me dinner for last night and lunch for today. My mom is making me dinner for tonight and tomorrow. Food from family and friends has been completely awesome… thank you.

Getting Vitals

A few times yesterday and once overnight Abi’s breathing became very shallow and almost stopped but they usually turn up the oxygen from 21% (which is our regular atmosphere) to about 27% and she starts breathing again okay on her own. This very normal with preemies. Overnight she also knocked the IV loose from her hand and they had to place it into her scalp instead. It is definitely more secure there and should be better for her.

Holly went to recovery after the surgery and was moved several hours later to a room in Labor and Delivery for very close observation. The nurses and doctors kept incredibly close tabs on her because of the balloon and blood loss and were in her room every hour for vitals but really almost constantly. What was impressive to me was that the doctor that performed the C-Section was there with her checking in almost all night also. You don’t see many doctors who tend to their patients like that. I was very impressed. It was so busy in the room that the doctor and I had a discussion and she urged me to head home as I would not be able to get any sleep in her room. I agreed and drove home to get some rest around 1am.

Donor Blood

I got up early and headed back to the hospital this morning after rush hour died down, and when I got there they were transfusing the second of two more units of blood. Holly looked good, but her labs dictated that her blood counts were low and she needed more blood. After that finished, things moved pretty quickly. They had already started to release some of the saline from the balloon and her vitals were improving. By 2pm the balloon was completely removed and there has been no additional bleeding. Holly has been able to use the breast pump to start pumping colostrum for Abigail and this afternoon I had the pleasure to witness her first bottle feeding of about 5CCs! She ate like a champ and was ‘milk drunk’ afterward. It was so cute! And she's even opening her eyes.

Just a while ago Holly finally got a meal of clear liquids and I think that settled her enough to get some rest. As I type this Holly is finally taking a nap and getting some sleep. She only has an IV and Foley catheter. Both of those will be removed shortly and we will be moving to a post-partum room. She has been a real trooper and the nurse that just went off shift told her that all the nurses have been saying how much they like Holly and what a good patient she is. In fact, some of the nurses know that Holly is here going through this and they specifically asked to be her nurse for the shift. I also don’t remember how many times I have been stopped in the halls here by staff asking how ‘she’ is. But now I have to clarify with them… do you mean ‘she’ as in Holly or Abigail? What a new experience. All in all, I simply cannot tell you how impressed I am with OB-GYN North and St. David’s North Austin Medical Center and Women’s Center of Texas. They are a true blessing.

Eyes open!

As of now we are requesting to have no visitors here at the hospital. Holly and I are very tired and we need time to adjust and rest so that we can focus our attention on our sweet daughter Abigail who is in the NICU. In addition, please do not send any gifts, cards or flowers to the hospital as they become a burden for us to keep track of. If you just have to do something, we ask that you please consider purchasing something from our baby registries. Specifically, we are in need of cloth diapers from our registry at diapers.com. We have also registered for necessities at babiesrus.com. Thank you.

Holly may be discharged as soon as Monday. But we really have no idea how long Abigail will have to remain in the NICU. It depends on her independent progress. Again, thank you to everyone for your prayers and thoughts. We could have not have done it without you. But we ask you to keep it up! We still have a way to go.

Love, Roger

Crazy Pregnancy Dreams

2012-05-04T16:41:00.001-05:00

So I am sure everyone knows or has heard women have crazy dreams while they are pregnant. I had some pretty wild and vivid dreams before pregnancy but these during pregnancy have just been weird. I have had a dream about my little brother as a child being thrown into a lake by our pastor’s son and when I went to jump in to save him I stopped myself and called for help instead. I had a dream about us having a social gathering at our home and Roger smoking something illegal which I was not happy about and gave him a lecture in the dream. I had a dream about the maternal fetal medicine doctor calling us to tell us they made a mistake and we are actually having a boy. Don’t worry we have checked at every ultrasound that we are still having a girl. I even had a dream about being on a cruise with Shaquille O’Neal for a reality television show and his first ex-wife (I don’t even know if he has an ex-wife or how many ex-wives he has, but this was a dream.) and I hit it off really well and spent a whole production day talking and enjoying each other’s company. I even shared my testimony with her. Yes, that’s a strange one. I don't even watch basketball. The latest really weird dream was a couple mornings ago and it involved my mom. If you know my mom you know she is country and crazy and I mean that in the nicest way. All of my family is shaking their heads in agreement right now. She does stuff all the time that makes us roll our eyes, shake our heads and laugh our butts off. See the picture below of my mom in a blind fold John Deere tractor driving contest. She's fun and crazy. When I told Roger this dream after I woke up that morning he almost spit his yogurt out laughing so hard. She is hilarious. Now on to the actual dream.

So my mom was driving my vehicle on Highway 21 from Smetana, the community where I grew up, and Bryan. Smetana is about 10 to 15 minutes outside of Bryan, Texas. She was driving a little crazy. Nothing really new here. Sorry mom. (I know she will read this.) And I said something to her about her driving. I don’t know if I was pregnant in this dream or not. So we’re driving down Highway 21 and it’s really curvy in my dream. It’s not super curvy in real life. And I keep seeing grass as we are driving along almost like I’m flying right above the top of grass. I don’t know if my mom is swerving on and off the road or what but I see grass over and over again. At one point I told my mom I felt like she should go the speed limit. So she sped up really fast. Obviously she was going under even though she was driving crazy. Still seeing grass in between these other events. We came around a very sharp turn and almost hit a semi as it was crossing over the highway which is divided in the between the East and West lanes. And of course I said something to her about her driving so crazy and we were almost in an accident. As we are driving along, I look out the window to the right where there was a steep driveway to a closed business and there were football players in full uniform running drills up and down the driveway. This is weird because there is no school anywhere near here. We continue to drive along and I look to the left across the divided highway and there are open fields full of crops like wheat or something. And I say to my mom, “When did they start growing grain here? It was always just cattle here before.” All of a sudden we are in the field but instead of there being wheat growing it is grass. I turn around a few times and it is just grass all around me. I say to my mom something about the grass. Then I ask her, “What is that?” I look behind me and there is a wild fire heading straight to us. I turn back forward and I see my parents’ house in front of us which is really far from where we were driving. My dad is sitting on a lawn chair under a big oak tree in their yard and my brother is walking past the side of the house. My mom is now near my dad. So I run to the fence that separates my parents’ yard from their front pasture as I’m yelling at them to get the water hose. I jump up on the fence yelling over and over again as I see them running into action. Someone hands me the water hose and I start yelling to turn it on. That’s when I woke up.

See told you it was weird. My mom might kill me for this. Or knowing her she’ll just laugh her head off. ~ Holly

Nursery Progress

2012-04-30T17:51:00.000-05:00

I got a lot later start on the nursery than I wanted and we didn't get very far by the time I was put on bed rest. We got the crib and book shelf assembled the weekend before. And we got the dresser assembled the day before I went to the hospital. Other than a friend getting the upholstered rocker glider into the room for us a couple days later, we didn't get anything else done. Once I got home I asked my mom if she could come sew all the items I had planned to sew myself. But then my dad was scheduled for bypass surgery in a few weeks and only had two weekends available before his surgery. I didn't think my mom was going to be able to come before because they were going to have many things to do around the farm to get ready before my dad had surgery. And I knew his recovery was going to take many, many weeks so I didn't think she would be able to come after his surgery for a long, long time. I thought about my options and really only had two. Pay someone to make everything I had planned to make myself since I had already bought all my fabric and materials. Or buy store bought, un-customized, mass produced items which was not my top choice. Then my mom informed me and my siblings my dad had canceled his surgery and she was coming that weekend. I wasn't sure how much we could get done with me on bed rest not able to help and trying to explain to my mom what I wanted as most of the sewing I had planned had no patterns and were basically in my head. Plus my mom and I have different sewing styles so I was also a little worried about that. One thing about being on bed rest is you have to give up a lot of control which if you know me well is not easy to do.

So I quickly created a to do list for me and my mom to follow and designed some of the items in Microsoft Publisher just so we had drawings and measurements to go by. Thank God my mom is a busy bee worker. She got half of my sewing done the first weekend and we got the remaining sewing done a second weekend. Probably the most labor intensive sewing was the curtains I designed for the nursery. They took the longest of all the projects but man they look amazing as you can see from the image to the left. Many friends and neighbors helped us with spray painting items, washing baby clothes and bedding, organizing and arranging things for me in the nursery and gathering supplies I didn't previously purchase. Roger even got in on the action many times helping my mom to cut fabric, hanging décor pieces and putting items up and away for me. We are pretty much done now with setting up the nursery except for a couple simple items. You can see more pictures of the nursery by clicking on the curtain image above. Now we are just trying to stay on top of washing and organizing clothes we receive and organizing gifts as they arrive. And we have turned our attention to getting ready for Lady Mo’s arrival by creating our birth plan, packing a hospital bag for all three of us, setting up the bassinet/play pen, installing the car seat in the truck, sanitizing and washing all the breast pump parts and bottles and organizing a cabinet in the kitchen for baby stuff. Although we are trying to be prepared I am sure there are many things we have forgotten or just don’t know to do yet. I guess there’s only so much preparation we can do. ~ Holly

Hospital Bed Rest

2012-04-28T13:03:00.000-05:00

While I was at the hospital Roger had me set up with my phone and his laptop so I was well connected. My mom and I emailed many times a day. One day she asked me if I can get up and walk around at all and what I do all day at the hospital. Here was my response back to her.

"Nothing except get up to go to the bathroom & take a shower 2-3 times per week. I have the laptop. My friend Amber gave me a gift subscription to Netflix so I can watch movies & TV show series on the laptop. I could do it on my phone also but that's too small. Here's my typical day:

I get up every morning at 7am. I can't sleep any later in here. It’s hard to sleep here. Then I go to the bathroom & wash my face real quick while I’m in there. When I walk back I open the blinds to the window. Then I get back in bed to call in breakfast, brush my teeth, put on my moisturizer, etc. I watch the local news while I’m eating breakfast. When they start repeating news I turn it off. When I finish eating I call the nurse and they bring me my meds, stool softener and multi-vitamins. Then they flush my saline block which is the IV in my hand, but I'm not connected to a drip… it always stings. Then they hook me up to the fetal monitor and I have to be on that for at least 20 minutes unless the baby is not cooperating and I have to stay on longer. Every time since I’ve been here this visit she doesn't cooperate and I’ve had to stay on an hour. And when I start that I also put on the leg compressors and keep those on for 4 hours to prevent blood clots. After I get off the monitor, I usually check my email for work and home, which sometimes distracts me for a while as I go back and forth with people about stuff. In between I check Facebook and I get lots of texts from people asking me how I’m doing or asking/telling me stuff. I read a chapter or two out of a book of mine. My OB or MFM (maternal fetal medicine dr) come in at any time of the day to check on me. They ask me lots of questions. I ask them questions. We talk for a while. Then they leave and go put everything in the computer that's right outside my room. The nurses come in at different times of the day to check on me. Then all of a sudden it's 11-12 so I order lunch. It takes about 30-40 minutes for meals to arrive. It’s delivered to me in bed. I have to wait for someone to move the empty tray for me. Usually in the afternoon someone comes to visit me. If my tray is still here I ask them to move it for me and if I need anything done I’ll ask them to do it for me. While I have visitors I don't check my phone or email or Facebook or texts or anything. I turn on my side and have them sit in a chair next to the bed so I can give my back a rest from sitting up all morning. When they leave, I check everything again, email for work and personal, texts & calls I missed while I had a visitor, Facebook, sometimes I play a game on my phone or laptop. Sometimes I watch a movie. Then about 4pm I lay back and rest my eyes and turn to the other side to rest my back again. Sometimes I fall asleep, sometimes I don't. About 5pm I put on the leg compressors again. If I haven't fallen sleep I get bored so I call in for dinner so I eat and am done when Roger gets here. He gets off work at 5pm now but does stuff at home when he gets off so he doesn't hit too much traffic coming up. While I eat I’ll watch HGTV to pass the time. When he gets here I turn off the TV and he either eats dinner here if he brings something or he'll eat at home before he comes up and we'll just talk about the day, what the OB's said, what happened if I had an ultrasound, etc. He does stuff for me like helps me take a shower if I need one, brings me stuff I remembered needing and puts it where I want it to go. About 7:30-8pm I call the nurse for my evening meds and to get on the fetal monitors again. They flush my IV again. As soon as I get off the fetal monitors, I wash my face in the bed and Roger brings me a towel to dry off. We usually have a last snack together. He helps set me up for the night if I need his help. About 9pm I take off the leg compressors. Rog leaves about 9:30-10pm sometimes later because he doesn't want to leave. I brush my teeth in bed. Call the nurse for Ambien so I can sleep. Turn everything off. Read a little bit and go to sleep. I wake up 2-3 times every night to shift as my hip hurts laying on one side for too long and I turn over to the other side. Then I start all over again the next day. Same old, same old usually. But sometimes interesting things happen. Like when they order an ultrasound. And I found out this morning there is antepartum social hour every Monday and Thursday at 4pm so I will start going to that if I am here. They do a craft or activity so that will help the time go by also. I think I’m going to watch some You Tube videos and try to teach myself how to French braid my own hair. I can do it to other people but can't do it to myself and no one I know knows how to French braid so I never get my hair French braided. I figure this is a good time to learn."

So that’s the jist of hospital bed rest. Boring. I’m so glad to be home. ~ Holly

Wow, Are We Behind Or What?

2012-04-26T17:52:00.002-05:00

Yes, we are truly behind on this blog. Not only was our last blog post on March 9^th, well over a month ago, but a lot has happened since. I promise to try to stay up to date on the blog. Today’s post will be as short as possible to catch up and I will also post some belated blogs about everything else soon. Sorry.

As you know from our last post on March 9^th, I have a complete placenta previa and was prescribed pelvic rest. Well, two days later on Sunday, March 11^th I woke up during the night to go to the rest room and as soon as I stood up I felt something going down my legs. Yes, it was blood. Thank God we had asked what to do if I bleed and knew what to do. Roger called 9-1-1 and an ambulance took me to Texas Women’s Center. I was admitted into Labor & Delivery (L&D) triage. I bled one more time right when we got there. But it stopped. I stayed in L&D for the night until I was considered stable then moved to the antepartum floor for observation. My doctors told me I would have to not bleed for a few days then I could go home. A few days to them ended up being six. I had a couple ultrasounds there and also saw the maternal fetal medicine doctor I was referred to. I was discharged on March 16^th.

I was sent home on modified bed rest and told this was strike one. The first night home was nerve wracking but I didn’t have any bleeding. The second night home I spotted and called the on call number and my OB told me to lay on my side, drink lots of water, try to relax and keep an eye on it. I spotted the third and fourth night home. During the morning of the fourth night, I woke up to heavy bleeding again. We called the on call OB and she told us to come in. I was admitted again on the morning of March 20^th. Same drill as before: L&D triage, L&D overnight, moved to antepartum, six days of no bleeding, a couple ultrasounds and discharged on March 26^th.

This time I was sent home on strict bed rest and told this was strike two. If I bleed again heavily it will be strike three and I will have to stay at the hospital on bed rest until Baby Mo is born. Either, then by emergency c-section if the bleeding doesn’t stop or if we make it to full term and have a scheduled c-section on Week 37. I have been on bed rest just over six weeks and home for just over four weeks with no bleeding. Praise God we have made it this far. I will start week 32 of my pregnancy tomorrow which means we have four weeks of bed rest left. So we need all the prayers we can get for me to stay stable on bed rest and for Baby Mo to keep growing well which she has been. Thank you for all your prayers and support. And I will post about bed rest, follow-up appointments, ultrasounds and everything else soon. ~Holly

More praises!!

2012-03-09T17:49:00.024-06:00

We have so much to be thankful for! Praise God we found out it is not vasa previa, but total previa. I know this may not sound like a better diagnosis, but it is. Vasa previa would have meant possible rupture of the blood vessels, emergency c-section and premature delivery of the baby and worst case scenario, hemorrhage or worse. Total previa means there are no fetal blood vessels over the cervix which is great. There are blood vessels over the cervix but they are maternal, meaning mine, because the placenta is over the cervix. The image to the left is the type of previa I have. It's the best I could find on the internet. The main placenta is on the anterior side of the uterus, on my belly side. But there is a smaller section of placenta on the posterior side of the uterus, on my back side. It took the sonographer and the maternal fetal medicine doctor a while to accurately determine if the vessels were fetal or maternal. But I was so happy when they said over and over they believed them to only be maternal. They can tell by the wave length of the blood flow. It was really neat. The whole ultrasound was neat. It was long too. The sonographer started with an entire anatomy scan again then did a transvaginal ultrasound. Then the doctor came in and did both again just on the specific areas he was interested in. And I had to go empty my bladder during the ultrasound. I was so glad I went to the practice I went to. They were super nice, let me ask all my questions and gave me so much information. It was great. I was really excited to go to the specialist to get a thorough evaluation and diagnosis. I will follow-up with them in four weeks and have more ultrasounds during the pregnancy to keep an eye on it. They are keeping me on pelvic rest and want me to continue to take it easy to prevent any chance of bleeding. Another praise is as long as there is no bleeding they will schedule a c-section for week 37. That's great because a baby is fully developed by week 36 which is much better than being born earlier. Of course if there is any bleeding this will change. Spotting and light bleeding will result in bed rest. Severe bleeding will result in hospitalization. Uncontrolled bleeding will result in emergency c-section. So thank you all so much for your prayers. Please continue to pray for both my health and Lady Mommaerts health, for me to take it easy and for us to get to week 37! All these ultrasounds mean more images of her so I have to share them with you all. Love, Holly

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12

24 Week Praise Report & Prayer Request

2012-03-07T09:44:00.053-06:00

Tuesday, March 6, 2012, we had the follow-up ultrasound to my 20 week anatomy scan where marginal placenta previa was discovered. They informed us I most likely have vasa previa. You can Google it for more info (warning you there's a lot of scary stuff out there), but it basically means my placenta is attached to the uterine wall too close to my cervix but there are also fetal blood vessels going over the cervix. We were able to see the placenta still very close to the cervix and the blood flowing through the fetal vessels in the ultrasound with color Doppler. It also means the placenta and blood vessels could rupture at any time and if that happened I would have to have an emergency c-section asap to save my life and the life of my baby. Since I am basically a ticking time bomb I have been put on pelvic rest for now and have had to cut all my activities, work, volunteering, etc in half plus cut out all physically straining activities until I see a maternal fetal medicine doctor this week to confirm it. So no prenatal yoga, no exercising, no walking, no lifting, no dancing, no nothing, until I see the specialist hopefully this week. But most likely I will eventually be put on bed rest if any slight bleeding occurs or hospital bed rest if more significant bleeding occurs. I found a really good article from the April 2006 issue of the journal Obstetrics & Gynecology. Vasa previa is covered on pages 11-13 of the article. Warning, there are graphic images. Peruse it at your leisure. I found it to be one of the better sources of information on vasa previa out on the Internet.

Of course there are lots of super sad stories on the Internet about vasa previa ending in death which is why we are so glad this was caught now as most people go undiagnosed with this until it is too late and they find out under horrible circumstances. I have been reading up a lot on vasa previa and it seems like it goes undiagnosed because the placenta is not examined during routine ultrasounds during pregnancy. We have to thank God that examining the placenta during ultrasound is policy at our OB/midwife practice or we would not have known until it was too late. That is a huge blessing and praise right there. But I have to really take it easy which is going to be hard for me but I will manage if it means saving the life of my baby and myself. They would like for me to go to as full term with this pregnancy as possible but I will definitely have an early scheduled c-section at around 35 to 36 weeks as I can not go into labor or the placenta and blood vessels will rupture from the contractions. Hospitalization in diagnosed cases occurs at week 30 to 32 and steroids are administered to help the babies lungs mature. Of course, all of this is dependent on what the specialist says when we see her hopefully this week. She will do a more in depth transvaginal ultrasound to evaluate and confirm the diagnosis then she will set a course of action such as immediate bed rest, etc. I have pages of questions for her and my OB especially if the diagnosis is correct and we have to look into a scheduled c-section.

Another praise is the baby is looking great. She is moving like crazy inside me. It's kind of weird and neat at the same time. The ultrasound showed her heart beat is great (141 bpm), they were able to confirm the one item she was hiding with her hands during the anatomy scan and it showed she is where she is supposed to be in weight and size. Previa is also known to hinder the size of the baby as the placenta can’t get the blood supply it needs over the cervix as that’s not the ideal place for the placenta to be attached. But she's good. Thank you God. So we are just hoping she continues to grow well and healthy and we make it as far as we can, to the scheduled c-section and not an emergency c-section. Please pray for this and for us to have peace and comfort and for me to not go crazy taking it easy especially if I get put on bed rest. One more neat thing we got to see at the ultrasound was Lady Mommaerts yawning as you can see from the image below. I hope she loves to sleep like her momma and daddy. That or she was taking a big gulp of amniotic fluid. She may be a good eater like her parents too. :) ~ Holly

5 Months Already?!

2012-02-10T09:31:00.028-06:00

Yes, we are five months pregnant. I can't believe it either. Not only is it going by super fast but it's still so surreal to me. Which is really weird. How can I be five months pregnant, with a very expanded belly and our 20 week anatomy scan last Thursday and I still can't believe I'm pregnant? Crazy. I guess I'll eventually feel pregnant. I wonder if this happens to other women or am I just weird? Don't answer that.

Before I go much further about the anatomy scan I want to give an update on Roger's most recent scans since he hasn't managed to post yet about the results. We went to MD Anderson on January 19th and 20th for his regular three month MRIs and lab tests. His neuro-oncologist Dr. Conrad said the site looks so amazingly clean which means no new tumor growth and he suggested putting off radiation. We had thought of doing the radiation soon so it would be done before the baby is born since the radiologist said there was a 100% chance of the tumor coming back without radiation. But Dr. Conrad said they usually like to wait 8-10 years between radiating the brain again to prolong the chance of necrosis and with new technology and research they are more comfortable with doing it sooner now, but he thought we should wait. Then Roger asked Dr. Conrad about the Delta 24 Clinical Trial to which he told Roger it has been approved by the FDA for a second phase and Roger would be eligible for it if his tumor came back during the second phase. Roger is more excited about that than the thought of doing radiation again. Not only would it prevent him from the side effects of radiation but it could also help others with his type of brain tumor. So far no one with his type of tumor, ependymoma, has done the trial. Of course, his type is very rare in adults so that explains it. They have tested the virus on his type of tumor in petri dishes in the lab with amazing results. Roger would be one of the first ependymoma patients on the trial. So we discussed it and decided to put off radiation and keep watching the MRIs every three months as usual.

On to the anatomy scan! So it was amazing. Even though I was laying there watching the baby move and swallow, I still couldn't believe that was inside me. The ultrasound technician told us she checks for 64 fetal items to ensure normal growth and check for any signs of abnormalities. This was the most important thing for me, healthy growing baby. Of course we wanted to know the gender of the baby (more on that later) but that was the least important thing for me. She was able to confirm 63 points but Baby Mommaerts' feet and hands were in front of the face so she couldn't check for cleft palate. Already doing yoga! Which meant I would have to have another ultrasound at my next monthly check-up to hopefully rule that out. It was so cool as she went through each item with us and told us more about it. We got to hear the heart beat again and it was 143 beats per minute. It was also discovered I have marginal placenta previa. My placenta has decided to place itself within 2 cm of my cervix. I'm telling you every time I have an ultrasound they find some exception. The first time is was an extremely horizontal uterus then it was an extremely large corpus luteum. Guess I'm just exceptional. The ultrasound technician and the midwife said it was nothing to worry about as it's very common and as the uterus expands during the remaining months of the pregnancy the placenta usually expands with it. Of course they'll check it again at the ultrasound next month to see. They did say if it is still within 2 cm of the cervix it would mean a c-section for me. As many of you know, I would like to have as natural a birth as possible but when they told me this I was like, "No problem. If that's what I have to do then that's fine with me." I'm not putting myself or my baby at risk. And I'm not worried about it either. I'm sure it will be fine.

We got some great photos from the ultrasound and amazingly a DVD of the ultrasound. Of course we couldn't watch the video or see all of the ultrasound photos because the ultrasound tech sealed them in an envelope for us. You can watch it here. She also wrote the gender of the baby on a piece of paper and sealed it in an envelope for the baker. We had a gender reveal party Saturday night with our family and a few friends. We don't live close to a lot of our family and we don't get to see most of them often so we decided to include them in finding out the gender with us so they could participate in our pregnancy also. It was a hoot. No one had any idea what the gender of the baby was (including us) except the ultrasound tech, the midwife and the cupcake lady. Once everyone arrived at the party and we took team pink and team blue pictures, everyone got a cupcake and we all took a bite at the same time. It was awesome and so much fun. We'll post more pictures from the party when we get them from our photographer. Here's a sneak peak of what's in store.

It's a girl!!

Carpe Diem?

2012-01-19T06:27:00.023-06:00

So I'm sitting here in front of the computer at 4:30 am on Thursday morning. We are driving to MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston as soon as Roger wakes up for his next MRI's, scans and labs and to see when he starts radiation. Yeah, I think it's crazy also. I should be sleeping. But a few weeks ago this started happening. I started waking up many times through the night. At first it was because of lower back pain. Then I started doing the prenatal yoga poses I have learned in my weekly practice at Yoga Yoga 360 that helped for a while and I could go back to sleep. But I kept waking up every morning anyway. It would start about 3:00-3:30 am. Most of the time I stay in bed, struggling to fall back asleep. A couple times it crossed my mind I should just get up and do something productive but I would fight it and try to fall asleep unsuccessfully for hours. I mean, I have been blessed with the ability to take naps most days but right now I just can't do naps unless it's necessary. I know, I know, I'll eventually want to take naps. And yes, I know, when the baby is here I'll wish I could take a nap and wished I would have taken a nap all these days leading up. I know. Just like I know, this waking up all during the night "is to prepare me for what's coming" and "just wait until the baby is born and you'll be waking up all night anyway" which is what everyone says to me when they ask ME how I'M doing. I know people. Then they go into a long rant about how awful their pregnancy was, how much they threw up, how bad their back pain was, how swollen their legs got, how they could never find a comfortable sleeping position, how much they couldn't sleep, blah, blah, blah. I mean, if you were just going to talk about yourself, why did you even ask how I was doing? I understand some people's pregnancies aren't great. And I have all sympathy and empathy for someone going through it at the moment. But the people who have already been through it and got this same treatment from everyone else should know they are repeating this vicious cycle (I know, that's a strong word but when you are hearing it over and over and over again it feels vicious.) and that's not what we want to hear right now! I was thinking I hope I don't do that to people after my child is born and I hope I remember what it felt like when I was asked how I was doing and I just needed someone to listen, sympathize and not change the subject to themselves and their horror stories. Then I read this blog post titled "Don't Carpe Diem" that was shared by friends on Facebook. It's pretty funny but very relatable and what we all do to other people. My favorite part is,

"But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here's what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:

"It's helluva hard, isn't it? You're a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She's my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime." And hopefully, every once in a while, I'll add -- "Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up -- I'll have them bring your groceries out."

Anyway. Clearly, Carpe Diem doesn't work for me. I can't even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question."

I have been working for years to be a better listener. And I know I will be working the rest of my life on this, but if I try to just listen to what others are saying (and not think of what my response will be instead of listening) maybe I can help myself from reacting with my own experience and just let the person share how they are feeling and encourage them and support them. (Reminds me of a scripture verse: Matthew 7:12So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.) Because believe me, I know all too well how amazing this miracle is growing inside me and I have my moments when I cherish it and am in awe of it. Especially at 4:30 in the morning. ;)

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-29T15:13:00.003-06:00

We completely forgot to post our Christmas card picture on the blog this year!

Week Fourteen Check-up

2011-12-29T14:58:00.013-06:00

We had our 14 week check-up yesterday afternoon. I asked all the questions I had written down and got all the answers I needed. The midwife measured my belly and it showed I was indeed 14 and a half weeks pregnant. Due date is still 6/21/2012. Then she brought out the doppler heart rate monitor to listen to the heart beat. I was so excited to hear the heart beat. Especially after our ER visit during week 8, it was great to hear there's still a little one growing in there. So Baby Mommaerts heart rate was 150 bpm and you can hear it above (The date is wrong on the video. It should be 12/28/11.). I thought I was going to cry but couldn't because we were laughing too much with the midwife about how all we could hear was my stomach digesting trying to find the heart rate with a home heart rate monitor we borrowed from Roger's sister. But I did get teary eyed when we were discussing it on the drive home. It was just so cool. And because of what I had been told earlier that day I decided to marvel in it.

I went straight to the appointment from a prenatal yoga class I go to every Wednesday. I really enjoy that class because of the physical benefits from lower back pain, etc and from the friendships I have made with the instructor and the other mommies there. We start the class sitting in a circle and share our names, gestation week and what we are currently experiencing good and bad. That class was the last day for one mommy who is having twin boys next Monday. She has been so nice and inspiring to me and I feel so blessed to have been able to practice with her. Since it was her last class, this mommy shared how she found something every day to marvel at during her pregnancy even when she was at her most uncomfortable. She told us to marvel at the miracle that was happening in our bodies, to get inspiration from other mommies particularly in this class and to revel in how special other people treat pregnant mommies. It was just so wonderful. She has been so extremely positive and I appreciate her so much.

Our next appointment is set for February 9th and it will be the anatomy scan where we can find out the baby's gender. We are going to find out the gender but we aren't. We have decided to not find out at the ultrasound but to find out with our family and a few close friends at a gender reveal party the Saturday following the ultrasound. Any reason to have a party right? ~ Holly

First Aid & CPR Training

2011-11-25T10:47:00.008-06:00

We recently attended the second training in a series of trainings, events, tests, etc to become volunteers at our church's transitional home for girls who will age out of the foster care system. The training was for first aid and CPR. It was great. We learned so much and really enjoyed the class. It was a great refresher from what we learned in the Army many, many years ago. A lot has changed since then. And the best part for us, it included infant first aid and CPR. Which was great! We learned so much we did not know about infant care and it will come in very handy to know next year when Baby Mommaerts arrives. As you can see from the image of Roger to the left, we used life size infant dolls to practice infant CPR. They were very realistic in weight and size. We both feel more confident knowing infant CPR. We highly recommend all parents and parents-to-be attend first aid and/or CPR training and becoming certified. We were looking forward to the training going into it and were very, very excited when we completed the training.

Four Ultrasounds In One Week

2011-11-18T13:25:00.065-06:00

Well, this has been one roller coaster of a week. We ended up having four ultrasounds this week. Two planned and two unplanned. Let's start with the planned ultrasounds. You should know by now we don't hold back with details so get ready.

Monday was our first visit with the OB/midwife practice we are going to until I can get the birthing center contracted with Tricare and transfer. As you can see from the ultrasound image on the left we are having a little alien. All kidding aside, it looks the way it's supposed to at this point. The size of the baby indicated 8 weeks and 3 days old so my due date is still June 21, 2012. We didn't get to hear the heart beat but we could see it and it was strong at 150-160 beats per minute. We were excited to see the baby and learn the heart beat was great and everything looked good. They were also able to see an extra large corpus luteum cyst. Why do I always have to be above average? They asked me if I knew I had a tilted uterus to which I told them I had been told that many times. They also said that was not a big deal and wouldn't affect labor. We really had a great time during the ultrasound. The tech was so nice and funny. We were laughing so much. We'll definitely try to go back on her days for our next ultrasound. I will admit there was a tiny part of me going into the appointment that thought they were going to tell me during the ultrasound they couldn't see anything. I need to pray daily during this pregnancy against these attacks of lies. The labs all came back great except my urine tested positive for Group B Strep. So I get to take some antibiotics for that now and get tested again between 35-37 weeks. My next appointment was set for six weeks away.

Our next ultrasound was on Wednesday at the fertility doctor's office. Even though God allowed us to conceive naturally in the end, he does blood work at the first positive home pregnancy test and an ultrasound before he releases you to your OB/midwife. And even though we told his office we had already called our OB and set up our first appointment with them, their policy is to do the ultrasound to make sure everything is okay with the pregnancy and say good bye. It was a great visit with Dr. Kavoussi as he and his sons are the nicest guys in the world and it was great to share the excitement of our pregnancy. We all marveled at how shocked we all were to have conceived naturally. He was so excited for us. It was really nice. And another awesome thing about the visit was we got to hear the heart beat! It was so cool. We totally didn't expect to get to hear it so we were kind of startled by it when it started. Roger was shocked silent. I got teary eyed. It was great. As you can see from the ultrasound image above it shows the heart beat and Dr. K said it was 160 so very strong. He was pleased with how everything looked and we were on our way.

Now for the unplanned ultrasounds. Warning: it's going to get gross people. Wednesday night we went to the NAMI Walk Austin awards ceremony at Zilker Park Clubhouse as our team captain invited Roger and I since he was the highest fundraiser on our team. It was a great evening with delicious food meeting nice people and an amazing view of downtown Austin at night. On our way home we were going to stop at Walgreens to pick up my Group B Strep antibiotics. As I was driving I felt wetness in my under pants and it got worse as we drove. I joked with Roger I hoped the not being able to hold your urine hadn't already started but I wanted him to come in with me to the bathroom anyway. When we pulled into the parking spot I opened my door to get out and there was blood running down my leg, a good pool of blood in my seat and all over the back of my dress. Fresh, bright red blood which is not good. So I wrapped my jacket around my waist, waddled into the Walgreens bathroom and sat down on the accessible stall toilet. As I pulled my panty hose down a large amount of blood came rushing out then a big flat blood clot fell out into the toilet. Sorry, I warned you it was going to get gross. I said loudly to Roger, "I hope that's not the baby" and told him to call 911. The ambulance came very fast. While Roger was outside of the bathroom directing the paramedics in I prayed for God to take care of me and the baby and to give us peace. When the paramedics came in they asked me all the questions, took my pulse and blood pressure. They were shocked my pulse and blood pressure were so good considering. They were very nice and calm and told me the truth of what it could be but for some reason I didn't react in anyway. After they got me on the gurney, the other paramedic looked in the toilet to calculate the amount of blood and check out the blood clot. They told me in the ambulance it looked like it was just blood clot and nothing else and it didn't look like it was a miscarriage but the ultrasound in the ER would confirm everything. The paramedics were mainly concerned that there was no more bleeding for my safety. Roger drove my car home to grab me some clean clothes. I arrived at the ER at 9:30pm and it was a long, long night of waiting and wondering. Although Roger kept saying he didn't think it was a miscarriage over and over again. He examined the blood clot very well I found out later so he was more than confident it was just blood. They did labs first and a couple hours later did an ultrasound. The ultrasound tech told me the heart beat of the baby was strong so that's how I found out it wasn't a miscarriage. So Roger was right. About 2:00 am the ER OB did a pelvic exam and he told me there was still some blood from the cervix but it was closed so he wasn't concerned about a miscarriage and told me the ultrasound tech had also seen a fibroid. I was shocked by that because I had two other ultrasounds this week and they didn't say anything about a fibroid. He told me he was going to go ahead and release me because the radiologist was not calling him back regarding the ultrasound results and he didn't want us to have to wait 2-3 hours longer. I was more than ready to leave at that time. I was starting to lose it truthfully. There were periods of 1-2 hours when no one checked on us. We asked for water at one point and never heard back from them. My IV was killing my arm and I was so uncomfortable I couldn't sleep. We even turned off the lights and tried to sleep for a while but it was hard. It was just a completely unpleasant experience all around. I told Roger when I was sitting in the pelvic exam room that when I realized it was after 2:00 am I started to get really mad and if they didn't come back in 15 minutes to do this exam I was going to walk back to my room and walk out. I came very close to pulling a Harvey Sr. My dad who notoriously hates hospitals, makes nurses and doctors scared to death and has actually walked out of the hospital before.

So I was put on bed rest Thursday and told to follow up with my OB. I had called my OB about 10:00 pm at the ER before they had done anything to let them know what was going on. I spoke with a midwife who was on call with a laboring mother. She told me what they would do at the ER and to call her back directly on her cell phone no matter what time it was to tell her the results. She was so nice and calming. So I called her back about midnight with the ultrasound results as I thought we would be leaving soon since the ER OB told me he probably wasn't going to need to do a pelvic exam. She told me to make a follow-up appointment the next day with one of the OB's in the office and to follow the ER's discharge orders for the rest of the day. When I woke up on Thursday I called to make the appointment and was scheduled to come in Friday at 11:30am. All day long on Thursday Roger kept saying, "IF you have a fibroid" as his response to all our discussions about the fibroid. He said he really didn't think I had a fibroid. I was like, "Whatever Dr. Mommaerts." So this morning I went in and during the ultrasound they could not find anything other than a baby with a healthy heartbeat and that same extra large corpus luteum. They couldn't see a fibroid or any other indicator of why there was so much blood and the blood clot. They could see large blood vessels in the uterus which they said was normal during pregnancy. They thought maybe one of those or a cervical blood vessel could have ruptured but since there was no more bleeding they wouldn't be able to tell for sure. They said my cervix looked good but was very long. Again, always the over achiever. They did see my uterus was more than tilted and almost horizontal. But other than those things there was no indication that anything had even happened and there definitely was not a fibroid. Again, Roger was right. They also let me know they never received the radiologist's report from the hospital. I was not surprised. I won't be going back to that hospital again unless I am unconscious and right next to it.

Our community group from church which are very close friends of ours and our neighborhood group of friends all started praying for us and rallying around us Wednesday night while we were in the hospital. It was so nice to only have to contact a few of them and they got the word out and got everyone praying for us. We definitely felt covered in prayer, had a lot of peace and knew God was going to take care of everything. Obviously Roger knew God was protecting me and the baby very well. And I will start praying the rest of this pregnancy is boring and uneventful! ~ Holly

Is this for real?

2011-11-03T23:52:00.004-05:00

So it's been a couple weeks since we found out we are pregnant and I have felt great. So great I didn't even feel pregnant. I even wondered if it would take hearing the heart beat at my first doctor's appointment on November 14th before I believed I was really pregnant. Then Sunday I stayed too long at the church garage sale and was so exhausted Sunday night I had to take a nap and still felt exhausted when I woke up. Tuesday I was driving home and felt like I could fall asleep as I was driving. And Wednesday I had what I thought was my first bit of nausea. For so long I didn't think getting pregnant would ever happen. And tonight as I was thinking about how hungry I was, again, I was like, "Wow, this is for real. I have a baby growing inside me. omg." :)

~Holly

Positive

2011-10-20T16:51:00.024-05:00

As you can tell by the Pregnancy Ticker to the right of the blog, we're pregnant! We got the call late Tuesday afternoon. Actually Roger got the call as I just got out of the shower and was brushing my teeth. So he took the call. I could tell by his smile that it was positive. I almost spit out my toothpaste smiling so much. It was a very exciting moment which included hugs, kisses and tears. Roger had a shocking moment when he realized he was going to be a dad. He even asked if he had to start being serious! If you know Roger, you know his humor.

They told Roger to tell me to go in again on Wednesday for another blood draw. And our fertility doctor's office called me back this afternoon to tell me the results. In Monday's draw the hCG was 97. Wednesday's draw was 236. Generally the hCG levels will double every 72 hours. They also told me they would like to do an ultrasound in four weeks then they will release me to my OB/midwife. So I set an appointment with them for November 15th. I had already called the midwife practice we are using to let them know and they set an appointment for me on November 14th for my first appointment which will include hearing the heart beat. So Roger will be attending that appointment. We will also tour the "birthing center" at The Women's Center where the midwife practice assists with births. I use the term birthing center here lightly because I won't believe it until I see it. We will also tour another birthing center really close to our home. Our insurance does not cover home birth or birthing centers so The Women's Center is covered because it's inside a hospital but I need to tour it first to see if I will be comfortable birthing there. So more on that after we take those tours.

Thanks again so much for all the prayers. It was kind of funny at first. We couldn't believe we were pregnant even though this is what we have been hoping for and working towards. I also think it was cool how God allowed us to conceive naturally after all. I had my moments when I didn't think it was ever going to happen. I really love how God "surprised" us. It was pretty cool. When I think about that it makes me feel so loved by Him that He would give me that excitement back. It was hard at times to keep hope, but His word and all our and your prayers helped us. So thank you so much from the bottom of our hearts. We love you.

Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise. Hebrews 10:23 NLT

Waiting.

2011-10-18T11:20:00.030-05:00

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. Psalm 27:14

So I have a confession to make. I hadn't called our fertility doctor back since the last IUI in July. As you read before, I was just not feeling it. But I finally decided a couple weeks ago I would try again and call him on Day One. Well, we were in Galveston this weekend after two days in Houston at MD Anderson getting Roger's latest MRI and labs. By the way, we got good news. Roger's scans showed no new tumor growth and his neuro-oncologist decided Roger should wait another three months to do radiation. We were about to embark on the Colonel Paddlewheel cruise at Moody Gardens when a trip to the bathroom revealed I had started. So I told Roger I would call Dr. K on Monday morning to let him know Saturday was my Day One. I also told Roger that Dr. K always asks me to take a home pregnancy test to make sure I am not pregnant before I start any fertility drugs so I would take one first thing when I woke up so I could tell him on the phone I already took one and it was negative and we would not have to wait to start the process. Just a side note, after that initial revelation I had started, there was nothing else the rest of the weekend. Since my cycles are so light I didn't think much of it.

I put the home pregnancy test out on the counter in our bathroom so I would remember in the morning when I woke up. I forget lots of stuff overnight during my sleep and I knew I would need some kind of reminder. I took the test first thing and watched as the lines started appearing. I was completely expecting it to be negative like all the other tests I have taken before but there is always that little hope in the back of my mind that by chance it might actually be positive. Of course I always play it off like I know it's going to be negative and when it is I respond like, "Yep, negative. Just like I thought it would be." I watched the lines and when it seemed like a faint plus was appearing I actually thought to myself, "Okay Holly, are you seeing things that aren't really there. Don't let your mind think you see something that isn't real." I placed it on the counter to wait for the rest of the two minutes you are supposed to wait. And I still thought I could see a plus forming. Roger got out of bed and walked into the bathroom. I turned to look at him and pointed at the test sitting on the counter and said to him, "Do you see what I think I'm seeing?" To which he responded in the affirmative.

I have never seen any thing other than very clear negative results on home pregnancy tests so I had no idea what a positive test result would actually look like. I still wasn't sure if this was positive. Every time I walked into the bathroom I looked at the test on the counter and doubted what I was seeing. I just had no idea if what I was seeing was good enough. And every time I looked at it, the lines seemed to get fainter and fainter. I even did a Google image search for home pregnancy test results to see if anyone out there in the world wide web had posted pictures of their positive test results so I could compare. I found one image of the same type of home test I took and their results looked similar to mine. This gave me some more reassurance it could be real.

Roger and I talked about what to do next. I knew I had to call my doctor regardless but decided to consult with a dear friend first. I took a picture with my phone and texted it to her. Not even 30 seconds later my phone rang. She said even with her crappy little phone it looked positive to her and I needed to call my doctor. Dr. K told me in the past that when I do get a positive test whether it's from natural conception or IUI he would order blood work every other day for about a week to make sure all the numbers were replicating correctly to make sure it was not a tubal pregnancy or anything else before he released me back to my OB/midwife. So I called Dr. K's office and they ordered a blood test and told me to go in to the lab next door any time during the day and I would have results by the end of the day.

So I made it to the lab about 11:30am Monday morning and STAT was written all over the lab order. I left and ran all my other errands plus went to my physical therapy evaluation for my knee issue. By the time I made it home from the grocery store, it was getting closer to 5:00 pm. And I had still not heard from the doctor's office. I called them right after 5:00 pm and no one answered. My bad for waiting so long but I didn't want to be one of those women that calls every hour to ask if the results are in. So I called this morning after that dear friend called me also annoyed I hadn't gotten a call from them yet. The nurse told me the lab sent the results in so late yesterday that Dr. K was already gone and he would be in this afternoon to review the numbers then they would call me. So we get to wait a little longer before we find out. It is still exciting none the less. Will update as soon as we get a call from the doctor.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

Transitional Home-Foster Parenting

2011-10-01T18:36:00.020-05:00

Our church is partnering with Caring Family Network and LifeWorks to develop a transitional home for girls getting ready to age-out of the foster care system. This house will be a place that offers the comfort and acceptance of family and offer community. It would have the environment to inspire the girls to continue with their state-sponsored education through college, in order for them to create a future for themselves that would other wise seem unattainable. We knew we would like to volunteer at the transitional home and in order to do so we will need to go through foster care training. Other options with this training are to become respite care for foster children and families, foster family support or to become foster parents and/or foster adopt. So after an orientation meeting a few weeks ago, we decided to go through the whole process because we have felt for some time that we would love to also adopt if it was God's will. God has given us a desire to be parents and we will follow his leading as to how that will happen. The six training sessions begin on November 3rd. We are excited to see where God leads us in this and what adventures and experiences he has in store for us. If you would like more information about the transitional home, please see the Restore Communities blog post about prevention.

Central Texas Wildfires

2011-09-07T13:50:00.009-05:00

We have been asked and just wanted to let you all know we are safe from all the wildfires you are hearing about on the news. They are close but heading in the opposite direction. New fires keep popping up. We are being advised to avoid outdoor activity due to all the smoke. The smoke can be seen from space. So far four people have been killed, over 25,000 acres have burned and over 1,000 homes have been destroyed. And this information changes by the minute.

For more information about the wildfires check out the news coverage from YNN Austin.

We also wanted to share a website where you can find out how to help the fire fighters and victims of these fires whether you live locally or not: Wildfire Relief

Please pray for all the fire fighters, victims and rain! Thanks.

I'm walking in a 5k, and I can't walk very well or far...

2011-08-25T16:59:00.001-05:00

Dear Friends,

I am participating in an upcoming event that is both very important and very exciting to me. NAMIWalks, the signature walkathon event of the National Alliance on Mental Illness, is being held in Austin, TX at W. Riverside Drive at S. 1st Street on October 8, 2011.

Why am I walking? First of all, as you know, I recently had brain surgery for the second time to remove a brain tumor. The second surgery left my right leg much weaker than expected and walking can be a chore at times. I have been going to physical therapy weekly since the surgery and am getting stronger day by day. I feel that I need a goal to reach for and I have decided that exercising to prepare for a 5k walk is just what I need right now. I don’t know if I’ll be able to finish the walk, but I am going to try. I am walking with my coworkers (who are mental health professionals) and my friends, and I know they will help me get through it.

I would like to ask you to come and walk with me or to donate to support my participation in this great event. Visit my personal walker page to sign up: http://www.nami.org/namiwalks11/TEX/rmommaerts. It features a link to my team's page where you can see who else is walking with me. There is also a link so you can donate directly to me online. Donating online is fast and secure, and I'll get immediate notification via e-mail of your donation.

NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, is the largest education, support and advocacy organization that serves the needs of all whose lives are touched by these illnesses. This includes persons with mental illness, their families, friends, employers, the law enforcement community and policy makers. The NAMI organization is composed of approximately 1100 local affiliates, 50 state offices and a national office.

The goals of the NAMIWalks program are: to fight the stigma that surrounds mental illness, to build awareness of the fact that the mental health system in this country needs to be improved, and to raise funds for NAMI so that they can continue their mission.

NAMI is a 501(c)3 charity and any donation you make to support my participation in this event is tax deductible. NAMI has been rated by Worth magazine as among the top 100 charities "most likely to save the world" and has been given an "A" rating by The American Institute of Philanthropy for efficient and effective use of charitable dollars.

Thank you in advance for your support.

Sincerely,

Roger Mommaerts

Blah.

2011-08-20T18:21:00.018-05:00

Blah, blah, blah. That's pretty much how I am feeling about all this fertility stuff. I think the hardest part of infertility are the ups and downs. It's one thing to not know what to expect when it comes to trying to get pregnant with issues, but I am so tired of the emotional ups and downs. It sucks. I can go from being happy and content to no joy and wanting to quit it all the very next minute. I want to be excited about trying to get pregnant but knowing how much it sucks when you find out each month you are not makes you not want to invest emotionally to save yourself from the pain. But dog gone it, I want to be excited. I don't want to get so emotionally drained that I quit or lose joy for this. It's this back and forth and up and down that really, really sucks. I'm sure it's the same for everyone struggling with fertility, adoption, you name it. As our pastor's wife Jen said in her blog this week about her son coming home finally from Ethiopia, "If you are confused right now, if your story isn't going the way you thought, or if you're tangled up in the messy middle where hope is deferred, dear reader, it could just be that God isn't done yet. Your story is not finished." I know God has a plan for us and he will see it through. During this funk I need to do the one thing I should never cease doing, pray. To borrow scripture from a friend's journal:

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31

Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 4:16

Negative

2011-07-19T10:49:00.008-05:00

Well, there is it. Might as well get straight to it. I knew last week it was going to be negative. I started to have premenstrual syndrome symptoms on Thursday and Friday and it just kept getting more clear over the weekend. And last night was the clincher. Full on menstrual cycle. Dr. K ordered me to take a pregnancy test regardless so I took one this morning knowing it would be negative and it was. Of course I am disappointed. Each day the PMS symptoms occured Roger and I would talk about it and I would have a little cry. I think that's the only reason I am not down in the dumps today. I would be sad because not only did the symptoms mean I wasn't pregnant but it also meant I would have to keep trying. Of course it would be super easy to be pregnant and done with all the drugs, blood tests, ultrasounds and IUI. But it can't always be easy. Life isn't easy. But I do know God is still right by my side going through this with me. He told me so just this morning. After I tested and was reflecting on my feelings I started talking to God about it all. That would also be called praying. I felt comfort in knowing he's there for me always. I even thought about what scripture I should read about God giving me strength and encouragement to get through the tough stuff. So I headed to the office to grab my phone and text my sister with the news. Of course I sat down at the computer to see what email I had to start my day and on my monitor the first thing I saw was my Bible verse of the day. I am always intrigued to see what it is as God has used that Bible verse of the day widget so many times to give me the scripture I need. And today was Isaiah 41:10.

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

How appropriate. Just what I needed to read. It's still going to be a great day. Dr. K's office just called me back. Since the chemo drugs will be out of Roger's system next Monday, he has ordered Roger to have another semen analysis for Tuesday and for me to call back on my next day one. I think it will be good to have some time to know what to do next. We would have had to make a decision today about the next steps for drugs, blood tests, ultrasounds, IUI and/or try naturally, etc but we wanted Dr. K's expert opinion on it first. And I would like some time to pray about it. I thought we were going to have to decide today. I am glad we don't have to now. ~Holly

Brain MRI Results July 2011

2011-07-14T14:25:00.000-05:00

We went to MD Anderson in Houston for a post-surgery MRI on Monday and on Tuesday we saw Dr. Conrad, my Neuro-Oncologist. He said that everything looks good and they do not see any signs of the tumor. The cavity that was left after the tumor was resected has filled in a bit and it looks like the swelling has reduced significantly. All of this is great news! The doctor was pleased with my progress and we go back in three months for another MRI, which will be in October 2011. At that time we will also visit with a Radiation-Oncologist to see what their thoughts are regarding radiation therapy. All in all, great news as we expected.

This week I also discussed my progress in physical therapy with my therapist, Jacqueline. I am meeting and/or exceeding many of the goals that she set for me three months ago. As a result, we will be moving from three one hour PT sessions a week to just two starting in August. This is important because I will start working full time again in late July and this will allow me to start working at a more regular time three days a week instead of two. I will still need to focus on exercising at home at least thirty minutes a day, which I always don’t want to do, so please pray for me on that one.

Physically, I feel fine and am rarely napping anymore. My energy level is much higher and we recently had the wheelchair that we were renting picked up as we didn’t feel that we needed it any longer. I am no longer using the cane and can walk fairly well on my own. I am still lacking strength in my hamstring and ankle, and don’t seem to have any voluntary movement in my toes or the ability to move my foot side to side, those losses are a bummer, but life will go on because I’ll be able to walk better and better even without those functions.

Thanks for checking in once again. I should get the new MRI images next week and will post pics from it when I get a moment.

-Roger