Mommie or Bust

Welcome

2012-03-01T07:22:00.046-05:00

Welcome to my story. I hope you laugh, cry or maybe find comfort here. Sharing my story has been healing for me. It has brought me amazing joy to share it. For now, I am going to stop here. The story is still unfolding. I will be back. If you are new here, please share this with anyone who is struggling with infertility, planning to adopt, or just needs a good "happy cry". Begin with January 2011: Where it all began. in the Archives.

The CHAOS Fairies aka Grandma and PaPa

2012-01-01T19:45:00.000-05:00

With all the talk of New Years resolutions, it got me thinking about what changes did I need to make around this crazy houseful of kids, hubby, cocker spaniel with a Mommy who seems to be waving the white flag of surrender....quite often. Still battling my leftover wounds from a car accident, I find it almost impossible to accomplish things the way, "the old me" did. It is an uphill battle everyday.

We have had a busy Christmas break and thankfully, here at the end, our parents offered to take the kids for the final weekend before everyone goes back to school and work. It is SO quiet around this house. I can actually here myself think. Hubby and I have enjoyed old John Wayne movies, sleeping in and having full control of all the remotes in the house. Heck, we even know where all the remotes are. Lol.

I find myself, even though am enjoying the absence of Chaos, thinking about the kids and what they might be doing. As I scan my fridge, I see the goofy looking Santa that my kindergartner made for me and proudly posted there on the last day before break. I recall the wonderful conversation that I had with my 4th grader on Christmas Day, in which he revealed the name of his very first crush to me, and the relief in his eyes, that I finally knew his secret. The fact that I can chuckle...NOW, that my 5 year old decided to cut his own hair on the morning of Christmas eve. Lord, gave me strength. I recall my daughter telling me this Christmas break that she is so glad that I adopted her, because, "you know how to love and give, Mommy"...she is seven. She spoke from her heart. Also, just before break, my fifth grader had to do the dreaded Science assignment in which they had to compare their inherited traits from their parents. I always wondered when this assignment arrived, how the child would feel.

We are so open with our kids about their adoptions, but even they forget most of the time that they are adopted. So, I asked him how he wanted to handle this. He said, " what do you mean, Mom.". Deep breath. Well, we can use the info from your adoption records to answer these questions, or we can just use the traits of me and Dad. He says, "why would I use the traits of anyone other than you? You're my mom. People tell me all the time that I look like you."
There you have it. Problem solved. All week long, my children have touched my heart through the everyday chaos. So, as tough as that chaos can be sometimes, it's my life.

Therefore, I think that maybe for the New Year, I shall try to focus on the love and life that lives in this very chaotic house, and just hope for a visit every now and then from the Chaos Fairies aka Grandma and Papa. Happy New Year from me and my blissfully chaotic family.

This is LOVE

2011-12-21T12:20:00.000-05:00

This is Love

Kris Kroeker 2005

dedicated to my child's birthmom

I know you love me
You loved me from the start
I know that you want the best for me
I know this because you made a plan for me
A plan so I would grow up with my mom and dad
A mom and dad you knew would love me as much as you do
I know it tore your heart apart to make this plan for me
I know it hurt when you put me first
I know that you feel the pain of empty arms
I know that my pictures are spread across your walls to try and fill the hole

You need to know that I was hurting too
I felt the loneliness
I felt the emptiness when my new parents held me
When you were gone
When I couldn't hear your familiar voice
I was too little to put it into words, but I cried out for you
I wanted YOU to hold me
I wanted to hear YOUR voice
But it didn't work that way
Life gave me hurt and loneliness
But you knew that your plan was good
And that your love was bigger than the pain
It would have been so easy for you to hold me tight and never let me go
But you were too strong for that
You knew what your love would do
You knew the pain would heal
You knew I needed my mom and dad
And you knew they needed me
You knew I would be loved
And that when love is shared it grows
I know that love
I feel it every day
Every time my mom picks me up and holds me
Every time my dad laughs at some little thing I do
When they wake me up to squeeze me in the morning
And when they put me down in bed for night
I know that I am loved

This is love
You died inside when you showed your love
You sacrificed your world for me
I will always remember what you gave
You gave me life
You gave me my parents
You gave me love

This is love

I just had to share this. Never in my life have I found a writing that spoke to me like this one. I thank the writer for sharing.

No Ticking Time Clock

2011-12-12T09:42:00.000-05:00

I know that when you are waiting for your time to come for finally becoming a mother, every day can seem like an eternity. Try to remember that there in no ticking time clock on becoming a mother. Motherhood knows no age. When you become a mother, it is forever.

If, you don't lose heart through your waiting, your dream will come true. Embrace the journey. It is part of developing the kind of mother you will be. One who will appreciate the honor of motherhood.

When the world says, "Give Up".

2011-12-02T19:37:00.002-05:00

When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."

The Moment

2011-11-21T10:25:00.002-05:00

The Moment I recall first feeling like a Mom.

The moment the light bulb went on for my hubby and I, was at our baby shower. Our son was one week old. Friends and family scrambled to throw us a shower, since our Jacob was a "baby drop"' we had no warning of his arrival. It was such and emotional day. At the end, my hubby arrived at the shower with Jacob so that people could meet him. What we didnt expect was the protective instincts that kicked in right away. We didn't want anyone to hold him. Upon the first request to hold, my hubby and I silently looked at each other and we knew we were in agreement. That was the moment that we knew we were Parents. I will never forget it.

Patchwork Quilt

2011-11-16T09:24:00.000-05:00

PATCHWORK QUILT
Our family’s like a patchwork quilt,
With kindness gently sewn.
Each piece is an original,
With beauty of its own.
With threads of warmth and happiness,
It’s tightly stitched together.
To last in love throughout the years,
Our family is Forever.

Mom vs Christmas Closet

2011-11-15T12:35:00.000-05:00

Mom versus Christmas Present Closet

It is my own damn fault. I start Christmas shopping in August every year. Yep, I am one of those. Trouble is, I have reached the point where I need to "get serious" about what I need to buy. With four kids, it can be overwhelming to "be fair", yet get what they want. I have repeatedly done the mad dash from trunk to closet, shoving the bags ANYWHERE, I can. My hubby won't even go near that closet. Says, he is better off not knowing. Lol. He's so smart.

This morning, I tackled the closet. With my back issues,it took me over two hours to sort, list and repack in bins for each recipient. Ah...Order can be so therapeutic.

Mom vs Christmas Closet.....MOM WON!

Hijacked Inspiration

2011-11-14T18:59:00.009-05:00

"Everyone who wants to do good to the human race always ends in universal bullying."

This is a tough place to find yourself as a parent. We want to teach our children to go out into the world and make a difference. The reality is that they may be disappointed in the reception they receive. Will it discourage them? It discourages me sometimes. I was inspired. Most thought that it probably wouldn't work. I tried anyway. I guess , in some ways, they were right.

Eleven-Eleven-Eleven 11-11-11

2011-11-10T20:45:00.000-05:00

This unique day has many different meanings for people all over the world. For me, it marks the day, eleven years ago, when my prayers were finally answered. My son was born. Our first adoption. He is thriving. Yes, he has questions about his origin. We take it day by day and keep it on his terms. I am going through an educational period as an adoptive mom. He is my first, so everyday is a learning experience. I don't want to be one of those adoptive moms who wears blinders about their child's feelings of abandonment and how he needs to work through them. He is having a great childhood, but I realize that, that doesn't take away his feelings or longing for his heritage. I've read that kids worry that if they ask questions about their birth family, it will hurt their adoptive parents feelings. Sad. It doesn't hurt me. It would hurt him to feel that he couldn't VOICE his feelings. That is my focus right now. Being what he needs....emotionally.

So, enjoy this fun unique day. I will be celebrating my 11 year old miracle.

Breakfast talk

2011-10-20T14:56:00.002-04:00

My kindergartener asked me this question this morning while eating his breakfast. "Mom, on the day that I was born, did Daddy's boss give him the day off to come meet me?". "Yes sir", I said. "That's AWESOME", he said.

I adore his innocence.

Fleeting thought.....

2011-10-19T02:15:00.002-04:00

I have spent so much time worrying about staying in tune with where my children are at emotionally in life and with their adoptions, that sometimes I forget to allow myself my OWN feelings. Watching #parenthood this week, I got lost in the scene where Kristina was giving birth and for just a moment, I felt envious. Why? The experience. That is all. Just the experience. I have everything else that comes with motherhood, but I don't have that experience of giving birth. That doesn't make me less of an adoptive mother, but just a realist. Trust me, I wouldn't change a thing. Just curious about the whole thing...you know?

Wronged

2011-10-16T21:17:00.000-04:00

As I have said in the past....my life changed a little over a year ago. A family car accident. I don't look any different on the outside....which makes things challenging. Most of my injuries were neck, back , knees and closed head injury. Close friends see the differences, but if you didn't know me, then you wouldn't know that my processing center was affected. I forget words that used to flow freely. Short term memory loss. I have headaches everyday. I have nausea everyday. I have confusion. Light sensitivity. Blurred vision. Severe shoulder pain. Hip and neck, thoracic and low back pain. Oh, and did I forget traumatic stress?

As if that is not enough, I can no longer run with my husband. No longer play golf with my friends. No longer play soccer with my kids. Until recently, I couldn't really venture out socially. We have attempted vacations, some were complete failures, some just disasters, some went fine. It depended on the level of activity. It has been a rough year.

Thankfully, I have a great team of therapists Drs. that I am working with. They are helping me everyday move towards a "new" normal for myself. Yes, it is depressing. But, I refuse to give up. Why, someone asked me. Well, I was not raised to give up, no matter what. I have four reasons to keep me going. My children. They have had to witness their mother weakened. Wronged. How do I not feel bitter? I do feel bitter, but the anger propels me forward. The kids have been through a lot with these differences in me. They are troopers. They lift me up. They won't let me sink for long. I won't lie, everyday, I think about how much this all sucks, but then, I look into their eyes and that's it. Pity party over.

Why this post? I am exhausted. But tomorrow is another day. I will embrace it with all my might.

To quote my oldest son, "Mom, you are brave, no one can take away the fight that is in your heart". He gets it.

Hope

2011-10-15T20:24:00.001-04:00

Hope is an image of goals

planted firmly in your mind.

When looking at life before you,

hope lines the paths you find.

Hope is a well of courage

nestled deep within your heart.

When faltering in fear and doubt,

hope pushes you to start.

Hope is an urge to keep going,

for limbs too tired and weak.

When apathy stills all desire,

hope sparks the fuel you seek.

Hope is a promise of patience,

as you wait for distress to wane.

When all you can do is nothing,

hope pulls you through the pain.

Hope is a spirit that lifts you

should heaviness pull at your soul.

When torn apart by losses,

hope mends to keep you whole.

Transition

2011-09-14T07:01:00.001-04:00

At every point in the human journey we find that we have to let go in order to move forward; and letting go means dying a little. In the process we are being created anew, awakened afresh to the source of our being.

Kindergarten and Letting Go

2011-09-09T20:23:00.000-04:00

I remember that crazy spring day that hubby and I brought home our beautiful baby boy from the hospital. Our fourth adoption. Third boy. I was a proud mommie. Once again it was unexpected, but joyful. He fit right in.

I remember when, at 5 weeks, my baby number four first slept through the night....like an angel. Bliss...

I remember the time when my baby number four made the big leap to big boy underwear....NO More DIAPERS. Yay! My hubby and I were elated. We had been doing diapers for 8 and a half years straight.

For years, my fourth child walked up the long sidewalk of the preschool with me to drop off his brothers or sister, year after year waiting for his turn. On the day he graduated from that preschool, I cried. Not only because I was bubbling with pride, but it was the end of an era. We would not walk up that sidewalk again.

Last kid, first day.

Now, as my youngest child stands on that crazy, wonderful bus stop with all the kids that have watched him go from diapers to backpack. He is headed off to Kindergarten. He now feels part of them, part of the club. He is no longer the little brother that stays back with MOM.

He hopped up on to that BIG first step of the bus, he turned back and looked at me with that smile that only he and I could really appreciate. He was excited, but he was worried about leaving me behind. We had been buddies, we had been pals, he was my lunch date everyday. We were both having to let go. I would miss him. I would miss him A LOT.

For years, many told me that this day would come. The day that I would walk back from the bus stop to an empty house. Honestly, it seemed like forever til that day would come. Secretly, I longed for it to come. And here it is. I was never sure how I would feel. I always thought that I would go skipping through the house singing and dancing. In all actuality....I don't know what to do with myself. Today was day three. Still lost.

This morning as he ate his breakfast, between bites, he asked me, "so, what do you do while I am gone?". I paused. Thought about it. Then, I said, "Well....I miss you, but I take care of everything so that I can hurry to that bus stop to greet you at the end of your day". He nodded his head in approval and then, finished his breakfast.

Letting go......

I didn't want to tell him that I wander the house, confused as to where to start. Do I do all those projects that I used to only dream about tackling? Do I sit on the couch and eat bon bons, because, I have worked 11 years 24/7 without weekends off and I DESERVE to RELAX? Do I take it slow and figure it out one day at a time? I am still pondering.....trying to let go of a very important phase of my life... the one where you are preparing them for going off into the world without you.

The Game of LIFE

2011-09-02T19:08:00.000-04:00

I must share a great moment with you. My nine year old, who is quite the intelligent child.... Lord knows, he didn't get it from me. That is adoption humor, in case you are wondering. ha ha. Anyways, he has had many questions lately. They run the gamut from, "Am I Polish?" to ......"do birthmom's change their minds about adoption?".

Lately, I just wear my Adoptive Mom Armor and charge right in to the gauntlet of adoption questions from my children. I joke, but, you have to. A sense of humor is required for this job. Anytime they ask if they can have "a private talk" at bedtime with me, I excuse myself briefly and run into my room, take a deep breath and then.....head back bedside. I am not nervous about their questions, I just like to be relaxed when we have these talks. As I said at the beginning, he is very smart and difficult to give vague answers to. With him, I must be prepared for 20 questions and bucket loads of why's.

His favorite game to play with me is LIFE. Ironically, that was my favorite board game as a child. It is one of his top two favorites, Monopoly being the other. So, the other night he asks me, "where would I be if Daddy and you didn't show up to adopt me?". I said,, "there would have been another very nice family who would have adopted you". He says, "but, they wouldn't have been the right family for me for my whole life, and where would my brothers and my sister be?"

I told you this gets complicated.

I told him, that they could possibly have been with adopted with him, or with other families. I explained the my belief was that God brought us together on purpose. He looked at me and said, " I guess that I sure am glad that God made a miracle happen and got us all together". He wiped a tear from his face and said, "God knew Mom, that only you, would be the right mom for all four of us."

One of my many blessings in the game of LIFE

A few days later, my very intelligent, insightful, beautiful son said to me while we were playing a game of LIFE, "you know MOM, I know now that it was a miracle that you found all of us, because in the game of LIFE, most people only want two kids.

Happiness

2011-08-31T21:11:00.000-04:00

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you'll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. you just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someones hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back.

Treasure it.

- Unknown

Coffee Talks

2011-08-26T01:32:00.008-04:00

It is the eve of my sixteenth wedding anniversary and I once again I am sitting here flipping through old journals. I love doing that. I suppose the reason that I love to do that is the same reason why am driven to journal in the first place. I like to go back and read about the past and see how my life has changed, or how I have grown. Life is busy and my hubby and I are in different worlds during the day. He is in corporate and I am in...well, mommie-world. Sometimes we meet at the end of the day and briefly give each other the once over and check for any obvious damage and then, we are swiftly torn into two different directions for the kids recreational portion of the day. Swimming, soccer, basketball, well you know....life with kids.

I found an entry in one of my journals from April of 2010. I found it interesting, mostly because, I was conflicted. At the time I wrote this entry, I was going through a difficult time with whether or not to have a hysterectomy. The reasons to do it were clear and recommended by all my medical support, but the emotions of closing down that part of my life were wreaking havoc on my heart.

Journal entry dated April 11, 2010 - hey there old friend...struggling with my head and heart these days. I need to make my decision soon about these fibroids. I can't take much more pain. I know that I am going to do it, but why am I hanging on so tightly to this stupid uterus. It has never served me well. It hasn't been my friend. It couldn't even just do what it was suppose to do. It completely failed me. I should feel like chucking it as far as I can and never look back. I have four amazing children now and I don't want any more. So, why is it so hard to let go of something that has nothing to offer me. If I were to get pregnant right now, I can honestly say that, I would be PISSED. Of course, I would embrace the situation, but, in all reality I need another baby like I need a hole in my head. So, what is it that makes one cling to this ridiculous organ that I am done with. Crazy. I have so much to be thankful for. My hubby adores me and is amused by me and my hair brained ideas. Through much trials and tribulations, we share four amazing little beings sent straight from heaven. Does one ever feel at peace with not conceiving a child? Am I seeking something that does not exist? I don't know. Maybe it has nothing to do with conceiving and it is just hard to let go of your DAMN uterus. Maybe I am over dramatizing it?? Tonight Jerry said, "you are beautiful, you are a mother, you are a woman", "nothing can change any of those things, not even a hysterectomy". I think he's a keeper.

*******

Jerry is not super romantic, but he has had his moments over the past sixteen years. Our lives are busy and sometimes exhausting and keeping connected to each other can get very challenging. His most romantic gesture came this summer and I thought that I'd share. He proposed an idea on how we could stay connected and on the same page. It was going to require the unthinkable, but I was on board. Summertime is my time to sleep in and I love my summer sleep ins with the kids. But, he asked me to get up every morning at 5:30 am to have coffee talks with him before he left for work. At first, I thought he was joking. That's just STUPID. Why would any sane person do such a thing?

Begrudgingly, I agreed. It was still dark out! The dog wanted to go out to pee too! It was mayhem. Too much activity for 5:30am. B-u-t, it was nice. We would discuss our plans for the day. Chit chat. We even laughed. I grew to enjoy it so much. In fact, on the days that I grunted at him from my cozy bed, GO AWAY, not getting up today, I regretted it. I felt like I missed him that day in a different way. Like I missed out on "our special time".

So, his proposal of 5:30am coffee talks turned out to be the most romantic thing that he has ever done for me in Sixteen Years of Marriage.

Happy Anniversary Hubby.
You are the BEST.

Post "I'm freaking out with this new baby" Syndrome

2011-08-20T19:53:00.001-04:00

Postpartum depression is moderate to severe depression in a woman after she has given birth. It may occur soon after delivery or up to a year later. Most of the time, it occurs within the first 3 months after delivery http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0004481/

Post Adoption Depression Syndrome
Your baby was more adorable in person than pictures. You and your husband never felt so thrilled and fulfilled as you held her in your arms on the flight home. Your ten-year quest for a child is finally over, you are a family now and forever. This little one is finally yours!

One month later......

You feel anxious and depressed, but more often, simply overwhelmed. Some mornings you don't get dressed. You don't feel any great love for your child, and you can barely make it through your day. Even your husband doesn't understand. In your deepest, most private moments, you wish you could give your baby back.

Sound familiar?

There is so much information available regarding Post Partum, but not much for Post Adoption Depression Syndrome. Really, they should just call all of it, Post "I am freaking out with this new baby" Syndrome.

Check out this site for comfort in knowing that you are not alone.
Adoption Issues http://www.adoptionissues.org/post-adoption-depression.html

Adoption Articles Directory
http://www.adoptionarticlesdirectory.com/Article/Post-Adoption-Depression---The-Unacknowledged-Hazzard/53

Nobody ever warned me that this could happen to me. I never saw it coming. Be aware. Be prepared.

Nobody said that life would be easy.

2011-08-10T00:08:00.000-04:00

Life is too short to wake up with regrets.

So love the people who treat you right.

Forget about the one's who don't.

Believe things happen for a reason.

If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands.

If it changes your life, let it.
Nobody said life would be easy,
they just promised it would be worth it.

Simple Treasures

2011-08-08T21:26:00.000-04:00

Bear Lake 2011

Do you see the joy on these two faces? They have come a long way from those weary frowns worn years ago. The time before our children found us. These are the kinda smiles that you feel deep down in your soul. The ones that you longed to feel for so long. Nowadays, luckily they come quite easy with our four adopted children in our lives.

While still trying to recover from my auto accident, going on family vacations has been a struggle. The family was really needing a getaway. Something fun, but something that I could do without being miserable. So, we went "Up North", as we like to call it around here.

We were minutes from Lake Michigan. Beautiful beaches, campfires, roasting marshmallows, catching fireflies, and even saw a movie at The Cherrybowl Drive-In. We slowed life down for just a little while.

Not once did the kids complain that the vacation was going to be boring. Our first day there poured buckets. Thunder was rolling, and there wasn't much to do.

Being the optimist that I am, I suggested that we sit out on the back porch and listen to some music and look out over the 55 acres. So, the "mini boom box" was blaring out in to the countryside, I think the song was, SWEET Home Alabama, and the kids jumped off the deck and started dancing in the rain. The mud was not an issue. The muddier the better. They had a blast. We had a blast watching them. I couldn't be prouder.

It is in these moments when Jerry and I realize just how lucky that we are to have this amazing family. A reminder of what we struggled so long for.

There is nothing like the sound

of pure joy in your children's laughter.

Fireflies and Cricket Catching

When we dreamed of a family, of course we thought about all of the things that we would do with them if we got the chance. Living the dream and finding the joy in each moment that you share with them is what grounds Jerry and I in all of the difficult parts of raising an adopted child. No, we cannot change how they came into the world, and ultimately we cannot control how they feel about all of it. What we can do it LOVE them. Listen to them. Hold their hand as they walk through their journey, whatever it may be. That is what an adoptive parent can do.

As the week progressed, I found moment after moment, where I just stood looking in awe at this incredible bunch that I call my family. I realized that my family doesn't need Disneyworld, or Cabo for a vacation. We found so much joy in the simple treasures that God gave us.

My Forever Family

Standing on the shore, in awe of my blessings, I sigh, with great joy.

Lost in Shuffle

2011-07-30T11:53:00.000-04:00

My ten year old is inching his way towards puberty and of course

in his mind, I am a dork, he feels that I don't understand him and I am the root of all unrest in his life. My nine year old is currently struggling with insomnia. I don't know what to do about it. We have tried reading and everyone and their brother has a solution for us to try. So far nothing is working. He is a very emotional child and worries deeply about all who he loves. MY grandfather and my husbands grandmother are both struggling with their health, so he lays there worrying that when he wakes up, there could be bad news. He is very close to both of them. My six year old little missypoo is a handful. She is spunky. She of course knows way more than me. Lol. She is a constant source of drama. All that said, I adore them all, but my little 5 year old is getting lost in this tornado of big brothers and big sister. He is desperately trying to get somebody's attention. When I tucked him in tonight, it kinda hit me.....

The whole day went by and I could not remember any conversations with him. Well, you know, beyond, "put your shoes on, wipe your mouth, or get in TIME OUT". Sadness overcame me. He is five. That is a precious age. He is about to embark on his first year of elementary school. I am going to have to wave to my baby boy through a bus window soon. I am not ready. He is my baby. In this moment I learned that, I have to stop and take inventory once in a while. We all get caught up in hustle bustle of daily life and forget to look around and make sure that we are making contact with each child, heart to heart, hand to hand, soul to soul. No more lost in the shuffle. Tomorrow will be different.

My Journey

2011-07-23T13:41:00.000-04:00

Just a heartfelt thanks that I am sending out to all of my followers. So many of you have shared your stories with me and I feel quite honored. Thank you for the feedback when something in my writings has touched your heart, comforted you, or made you laugh. When I was going through my journey in the early days, I never imagined that down the road, I would meet so many that share my deepest, darkest pain, and yet share my greatest of hope for a family. I am so thankful for a place to share, and for those who share back.

I intend to continue to share all that I experience, as my journey continues. I am not an expert and I won't ever claim to be. What I am is driven to be a great mom. I make mistakes and screw things up sometimes, but I never give up. I never stop trying to grow as a person, wife and mother. My son asked me today what I want to be remembered for. That really is tough to answer. Of course, I want to be remembered as a good mother. A good friend. A wife who made her husband grateful that he chose her. But, that was really not my answer.

I want to be remembered as someone who never stood by and watched someone suffer, but kneeled down to give them a hand and lift them up to face adversity. I want to be remembered as someone who made a difference in the lives of children. I want God to be proud of who I was here.

So, thank you for being a part of my journey.

Girl Talk

2011-07-16T17:57:00.000-04:00

Journal entry date July 2006 -Hey journal, its me again. My mind is racing tonight as my family sleeps. You know how I am. Things get stuck in my brain until resolution arrives. Talks with Jacob have been going well about his adoption. He is 6 now and we have moved to the next phase of sharing and talking about everything. He doesn't ask a lot of questions yet, but I am sure that will change as he grows older. I am trying to not be down about this. I knew going into adoption that I planned to be open with all of them. It is so hard. I sometimes, secretly feel like I want to be selfish and just tell them that they are mine all mine. That they came from my body. Not have to explain all of this hard stuff that is difficult for their little brains to handle. But....that is just a fantasy. I owe them "their truth". I am jealous of Moms sometimes that just have to deal with normal first grader life, not explaining such emotional issues at 6. Experts and adoptees seem to feel that the younger the better, and so I forge ahead into unknown territory. *****************************************************

When I look back at this entry of my journal, I can remember the turmoil that I was in each time that I needed to move deeper into my children's understanding of their story. I am currently educating my third 6 year old on her story, and the other night during a routine reading session, something wonderful happened. Usually, following reading, we will have girl talk time. These are the times that she and I get away from all the testosterone in the house and bond. I wanted to share it with you so that you will understand what I have discovered. The importance of having a plan on how you will educate your adopted child about their story. Sometimes these little moments happen to remind me that, yes the talks have been difficult at times, but truth and an openness, can make all the difference.

Our special Girl Talk Spot

My daughter and I were doing a little reading in her room in our special place. We were giggling a lot and there was quite a bit of snuggling. We finished up our book and I told her that we needed to talk a little about modesty and being a lady. We had been discussing this a lot lately, since she plays a lot of sports with her brothers and the boys of the neighborhood. I wanted to make sure that she understood that as she grew older, she needed to be mindful of how she carried herself. She seems to be starting to understand. Out of nowhere, she says,"Mom...Do you HAVE to have a baby?" "What do you mean", I asked. "Well, when I grow up, I don't want to have a baby, I want to adopt one". "Why?", I asked. SHE then answered in her cute little hands on her hip way....."because, why would I have one when there are so many good kids like me that need to be adopted". I pulled that little cutie to me and squeezed her so tight, because in my heart, I immediately felt WOW. She gets it. I have done a good job.

So all those years ago, I worried about whether I was doing things right. You can't know for sure, but you try your best and hope for moments like this. Moments that tell you that you've turned into a great parent for your adoptive child. This was such a moment for me. Happy Mommy.