(So, first of all, if you’re *gasp* not a regular reader of Mommin’ It Up, you might want to read this to decode the title of this post. Ooh, mystery!)

The time is fast approaching when my kids are going to be too old for me to write about certain things they do or don’t do. And let’s face it, for this one, that time may already be past. But, since Emily loves it when I write about poop, I am going to throw this delightful tale in for old times’ sake. After all, I still have a two-year-old at home and my life is going to be ruled by my children’s bowels for a long time to come. For instance, nothing seems to move the aforementioned bowels like Mommy needing to get out of the house in a hurry. Which is why Jonah had to drop a deuce in his diaper two seconds after I needed to leave for physical therapy this morning. But anyway. Back to the dung at hand.

One of my children, who shall remain nameless, has a tendency to need to go #2 during a meal. This same child takes a book to the bathroom every time a poop is imminent. (Star Wars: The Visual Dictionary is currently the bathroom read du jour.) And, if we’re out to eat? The 20-minute doody session is a guarantee. This holds true even if it’s Grandma & Grandpa that are taking the kids out to dinner. I cannot tell you how  many times my dad has had to pass a quarter hour or more in the Frisch’s bathroom with this kid. It’s bad enough that I’m uncomfortable taking my kids out to eat by myself, because I don’t feel comfortable leaving a child in the public restroom by himself for 20 minutes, and I’m not taking ALL the kids into the bathroom for that long. Not to mention the un-named super pooper will complain violently about the embarrassment of having to go in the women’s restroom.

But seriously, what is UP with that? This phenomenon has been occurring for the better part of a year, I’d say. It does happen fairly often at home, but nothing guarantees it more than the anticipation of a grilled cheese & fries kids meal on order.

I hope he outgrows it, because it’s going to be extremely awkward going on dates to restaurants one day if not. Especially if he’s lugging around that giant Star Wars book to pass the time. Maybe I should get him a Kindle.

These are the bowels of my lives, people. The bowels of my lives.

Photo Credit: kagey_b via Compfight cc

In unrelated news, but really, it’s kind of related, I saw this video yesterday, and I wanted to pass it along. It’s long, but it’s worth it.

Hola amigos! It’s Monday, I can think of NO better way to start the week of right than attending a Jenny’s Life Klass. Today I am going to cover one of the basic functions that every human needs to master in order to be a functioning member of society: grocery shopping. Just to be super-clear, I am going to tell you how TO grocery shop by telling you how NOT to grocery shop. Are we crystal? Good! Now grab your cart (I call dibs on the one that actually steers straight) and let’s get shopping!

In order to make this a truly comprehensive Klass, I’m going to start at the very beginning of each grocery trip. The parking lot.

1) Do NOT drive around for 10 minutes looking for a front-row parking space. Grocery store parking lots are like an extremely dangerous Tetris game. And they’re ALWAYS crowded. So just find the nearest open space and PARK. I don’t want to get stuck following you while you circle the lot at 3 MPH for the 33rd time, or while you wait stopped with your blinker on for 10 minutes for an octogenarian in a Buick to put her groceries away, start her car, and leave. JUST PARK so that I can also just park! But do NOT park in a handicapped space unless you have a permit. Or the bottom will drop out of that cement slab like a cartoon trap door and you will be sucked straight into the lake of fire. Sheesh.

I hate that I have to write this next point, but sadly, people of Kroger, you have proved to me time and time again that I MUST.

2) Do NOT walk down the middle of the parking lot aisles as you make your way into the store. You guys, FOR REAL. Stick to the right or to the left. (If you’re having trouble remembering which is which, make an L with your pointer finger and thumb on your left hand. Got it? Good job! Go get a sticker!) And for goodness sake, if you have a child or children with you, HOLD THEIR hands! And lastly (sorry this is multi-level instruction, good thing it’s in writing so you can review it before you shop), PUT THE PEDAL TO THE METAL. The grocery store parking lot is no place for meandering. SO HUSTLE!

Now that you’ve made it safely inside…

3) Do NOT push your cart without purpose. Much like the parking lot, the grocery store aisles are no place for meandering. Ain’t nobody got time for your dilly-dallying! Get what you need and get OUT OF MY WAY! Also, since your cart doesn’t have brake lights on it, no sudden stops! The front of my cart does not want to give you a rectal exam,  but that could totally happen if you don’t look before you brake.

4) Don’t. Block. The. Aisle. Look, I totally get that you need to compare the price per ounce on store brand peanut butter and name brand peanut butter – who do you think you’re talking to? I see price-per-ounce stickers in my sleep. But you can do it with your cart tucked neatly to one side of the aisle (see #2) and your body as close to the product as possible. I know it’s fun to stand in the middle of the aisle with your hands on your hips, bent over so your nose is touching the peanut butter and your rear end is touching the pancake mix across the aisle. So freeing! Such a good stretch! BUT SAVE THAT CRAP FOR YOGA CLASS AND GET OUTTA MY WAY!

5) Do NOT organize your coupons IN the checkout line. Look, I am going to go easy on you here. I’m not even asking you to be a good citizen and get your coupons together before you enter the store. I’m a coupon lady, I know you need to make some adjustments to your pile o’ coupons before you get to the register. So pull your cart over in an empty aisle (wine or deli works well for me) and get your savings squared away BEFORE you hold up the checkout line. If you wait until the cashier has rung everything up and then take an extra five minutes to pull wadded coupons out of the pockets of your Gloria Vanderbilt pleated jeans while my toddler tries to get out of the cart seat belt, I will follow you home and place a flaming back of poo on your porch under cover of darkness. COUNT ON IT.

And finally, people.

6) Do NOT go grocery shopping unless you are fully-dressed in clothes that one wears DURING THE DAYTIME. Pajama pants are not ok. Yeah, I live in the hood, SO WHAT? I always turn up to the Kroghetto fully dressed in clothing that one does not wear to go swimming or night-night, and I expect the same of you. My Kroghetto even has a sign on the front door to help you out: “A bikini top does not count as a shirt.” THANK YOU, Kroghetto! You are a true retail citizen of the world. At least you were, until  you let this lady in the other day:

Yes, I DID take a picture of my fellow shopper, and yes, I am a horrible person BUT I CAN’T UN-SEE THAT!!!! And apparently some people need examples of what is and is NOT appropriate to wear to the grocery. It looked as if she was wearing NO pants at first, although I’m not entirely sure that pink fabric we see is not her underwear. Because really how could her undies be any smaller? I mean, for the love! What if my big kids had been with me? I can hear Sophie yelling at the top of her lungs, “MOMMY WHY ISN’T THAT WOMAN WEARING PANTS?” I don’t have an answer for that. I’m not even going to mention the towel on her head BECAUSE SHE’S NOT WEARING PANTS!

People. I beg you. Wear daytime clothes to the store. Ones that cover you up. THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

Well, my pretty pupils, I thin that about covers it. Unless you have some more gems to add to the list. EXTRA CREDIT for leaving your grocery store no-nos in the comments!

Your Life Klass assignment? Go shopping. Drive car and cart properly. Watch out for others. Wear clothes. You can do it!!

That tiny, minute BRCA1 defect doesn’t mean “oh, you might get cancer someday.” It means “You’re probably going to get cancer, and when you do, it’s going to be bad.” We’re talking a 60% chance of getting breast cancer, and a 40% chance of getting ovarian cancer.

The news that she undertook such drastic measures (I mean, OMG BFF, she cut off her BEWBS! Will she ever work again??) to reduce her risk of cancer was described as “shocking” and “stunning.”

That news was not shocking or stunning to me.

My first thought? “Of course she $#@%ing did.”

The shocking part of that story is not that she went through three extensive, painful surgeries to have her breasts removed – it’s that she allowed her ovaries residency in her body for even another second.

I’d have been less shocked if she’d taken some Tomb Raider tool and removed that shit herself.

Lara Croft, Womb Raider.

Ovarian cancer is nothing to f^ck around with. It is THE LEADING CAUSE OF DEATH from gynecologic cancers in the United States and the fifth leading cause of cancer death among American women.

Jolie implies that she will eventually have an oophorectomy (surgical removal of ovaries) (also – spell check wanted me to change that word to “lumpectomy.” And then my head exploded.), but when she does, will we care? Will we be shocked and stunned that she would do something so drastic? And make no mistake – removing ovaries is not the equivalent of having wisdom teeth pulled. It means lifelong hormone replacement therapy, premature menopause, osteoporosis, and all kinds of fun stuff.

Or is this just front page news because right now we’re talking about her BREASTS?

I hope not. I hope that when Anglelina Jolie and every other woman with a faulty BRCA1 gene has her ovaries removed, we hear about it. I hope we applaud the bravery required to remove an internal body part in the same way we do an externally-visible one. I hope we recognize the insidious and life-threatening nature of ovarian cancer and that as a result, women everywhere become as AWARE of ovarian cancer as they are of breast cancer, and that someday we’ll have an effective screening test for it.

Right now? We don’t. And because of that, only 20 percent of cases are caught before the cancer has spread beyond the ovary to the pelvic region, at which time there’s less than a 50% chance that the woman will survive for even five years.

Angelina Jolie’s mom died of ovarian cancer. So did mine. Our kids ask if what happened to our mothers will happen to us. Fortunately, I can say “probably not.” And thanks to Angelina’s “shocking” and “stunning” choice to have her body’s aesthetics altered, so can she.

We have a couple superhero fans in our house these days, so I was excited about the chance to review the iHome/Disney Hulk wireless speakers.

Actually, since I’ll never have the opportunity to use the things (my kids have an elaborate schedule of ownership, and it doesn’t include me), I asked Kate to review it for me.

Here’s what she had to say:

I think the Disney/iHome speaker is great. I would usually turn the iPad on full volume and when I wanted to dance, jump around, and sing, it wasn’t enough. The new speaker makes it perfect. I’ve only had it for about 45 minutes and I already know it’s awesome!

Mama said that it was for my brother and me, but I think it was obvious that it would be mine. I really have been enjoying it. The speaker is really awesome. I’m listening to it now. I really like it. I think you would too!

And there you have it

This sign could use some punctuation, but it cracked me up!

I’m writing this post today because it’s been a while since I’ve had a good public flogging, and, frankly, I deserve it.

Tuesday, I ran up to the bookstore on my lunch hour, looking for a graduation present for a friend. I couldn’t find what I needed, so on my way back to my office – in my car, behind the wheel – I searched Amazon for it on my phone.

And then I sailed through a red light, without so much as pausing. I was 3/4 of the way through the intersection before it even registered.

I couldn’t believe I had done something so dumb, and as soon as I got back to my office I confessed my sins. Without missing a beat, my co-worker replied, “And the line of preschoolers you mowed over? They’re all ok?”

It would have been funny if it wasn’t so… possible. The light I went through is quite possibly the busiest intersection, pedestrian-wise, in town. It’s also about, oh, 300 yards from Sam’s school.

Fortunately I didn’t hit anyone and no one hit me, but my God, it could have been bad. Really, really, life-changing-ly (how do you like that word?) bad.

So, I’m going to knock that shark off, like, immediately.

I promise to never shop on Amazon while driving ever again. Ever.

But seriously, it’s time for me to reevaluate my choices, so tell me – what cell phone safety rules to do you follow? Do you make calls? Answer them? Shut your phone off all together?

Join dermatologist Dr. Doris Day and Neutrogena, the number one dermatologist-recommended skincare brand, for a Twitter party to discuss how you can do some “spring cleaning” for your skin, the importance of daily facial cleansing, and the best products to help you during the seasonal change.

Dr. Doris Day will be joining us for the party and sharing her tips and expertise and answering your skincare questions.

The twitter party is tomorrow, May 16, at 12:00 noon EST! Join in by following/using #NTGDERM. You can see the details and RSVP via this Twtvite: http://twtvite.com/NTGDERM

But what’s a twitter party without prizes?? Throughout the party, we will be giving away prize baskets with Dr. Day’s favorite Neutrogena skincare products, including:

Pore Refining Daily Cleanser
Pore Refining Toner
Pore Refining Exfoliating Cleanser
Deep Clean Long-Last Shine Control Cleanser/Mask
Oil-Free Moisture Broad Spectrum SPF 35
Ultra Gentle Daily Cleanser

The party will be hosted by the lovely ladies at The Motherhood – make sure to follow them! @theMotherhood, @CooperMunroe, @EmilyMcKhann. I’ll be co-hosting along with a number of other bloggers.

Hope to “see” you there!

For more information on skin care from Neutrogena, check out the Neutrogena Expert Center: http://bit.ly/15HXMdn

Disclosure: I’m being compensated for my time, but my opinions and goofy Tweets are all my own.

Spring in Ohio behaved remarkably like winter in Ohio through most of April. I was not a fan. But dropping the temperature every-other-day or sending cold fall-like rain (thereby really messing with Jonah’s “I get to play outside/it’s too cold to play outside” emotions) weren’t the only tricks Mother Nature had up her sleeve. By delaying the seasons, she tricked me into thinking time had also been delayed.

But the calendar marched on while my brain stayed back in March.

Therefore I now find myself with 80-degree temperatures and in a BLIND PANIC because SCHOOL IS ALMOST OVER and I’m completely unprepared.

I’m the mom who likes it better when her kids are in school. Judge me all you want. This is how I’m wired. I handle the pressures of life better when there is only one kid in my face from 7:30-3:30 on the weekdays. But the party is almost over! Sophie has only 7 school days left and Joshua has 11. (Why do kindergartners get out a week early? RIP OFF!) School ends May 31st – not even in June! And the last week is the week of Memorial Day and Joshua will only go 4 days that week. RIP OFF again!

Here I am, not ready for summer. Although I have had the whole school year to prepare. I don’t know what pool we’re joining, have planned zero activities, don’t have a schedule set up (I’ve got to get Joshua and Sophie on some sort of a schedule because too much free time = bickering with those two, or asking for food ALL DAY LONG.)

And I am afraid of the jelly-filled mess that my brain becomes when there are three kiddos under my feet all day. I haven’t worked from home through a summer yet, so there’s getting my job done to consider as well.

EEPERS!

Hold me, people. Summer’s coming, ready or not!

What are you doing to keep your school-agers busy this summer? I need some ideas so that we can all enjoy each other! (Don’t say “day camp”. I can’t afford it!)

Their mission?

“To encourage all women and girls to develop a positive relationship with beauty, helping to raise their self-esteem, and thereby enabling them to realize their full potential.”

I have to say – it was the highlight of the weekend for me, and I want to share with you what Dove is doing, how you can get involved, and how you can use the tools they’ve developed with your own kids.

Here’s a quick video produced at Mom 2.0 (I didn’t see Jenny or me in the background but we were THERE!)

Why is this important? Take a look at these statistics:

- 72% of girls feel pressure to be beautiful.
- More than 60% of girls avoid certain activities because they feel bad about their looks. For example: 19% won’t try out for a team or a club; 23% won’t go to the beach or pool; 13% won’t give an opinion; 15% won’t go to school.
- Satisfaction with body image decreases as girls progress to adolescence. While 75% of 8-9 year old girls say they like the way they look, by age 12-13 only 56% like their appearance.

I am having a really, really hard time putting into words how meaningful the experience was for me, and how much I believe in the work they’re doing. But let me tell you this – when I had a chance to meet Dove’s Global Self-Esteem Ambassador Jess Weiner last Saturday afternoon? I couldn’t speak – my emotions got the best of me. But it was ok, because Jess got it, she knew what I was communicating even though I couldn’t say a word.

In any case, I encourage all of you to visit Dove’s Girls Unstoppable website and take a look at all the resources they’ve made available. One of the most helpful things I found on there is the self-esteem activity guide for mothers and daughters – it’s full of conversation starters and activities to get our daughters talking with us. I cannot wait to go through it with Kate! You can download a version for girls 8-11 or one for 11-16 year olds.

You might learn a thing or two about your own self-esteem while you’re at it.

Just a big frightening mess with a vase of roses on the table. Everybody together now…SIGH.

But anyway. Despite the morning-after blues, my Mother’s Day was pretty great. We got a new bed/mattress which I am hoping will solve my back problems (ohpleaseohpleaseohplease) and Joshua made me a candy dish which I love – my first kid-made pottery!

Throw a couple handfuls of Starburst in there and this is the gift of my dreams

Sophie made me some cards and pictures at school. This was my favorite.

Note to self: Sophie’s love can be bought with baked goods.

(Although it makes me sad that she thinks my favorite thing is to work on my computer. But oh well. The kids never really see me doing anything fun by myself.)

And on Sunday morning, while I slept until a blissful 8:30, the big kids made me additional cards. With one thing in common.

Joshua really phoned this one in. He can do much better!

Good effort Sophie! Although it appears I am not wearing clothes and Bobby is wearing a burlap sack.

So what did a vain person like me immediately notice about these darling portraits my children drew? Let’s take a closer look!

My children think I am an Amish male.

Hmm…I don’t know…how about the fact THAT I HAVE A FULL BEARD in both pictures?

When confronted, both children exclaimed defensively that the beard in question was my long hair going down my back behind my head.

Mm-hmm.

Something must be done.  I am the most manly figure in both of my kids’ family portraits! I need to either get a hair cut or a shave. What’s your pick?

P.S. Jonah is my favorite child because he can’t draw a picture of me yet.