Mommy do it!

Dear Noah :: 11 years old

2017-05-16T16:54:00.000-04:00

Dear Noah,
You're now taller than me. It's been pretty much a lifetime goal of yours, and you have arrived! You're thrilled. And like to re-measure yourself against me regularly ... just to be sure.
I love our life together and I'm so thankful for our relationship. You are quick to stand up for me when you think someone has said or done something hurtful. You are all about hugs. You'll ask for hugs from everyone in our family. Some are more excited to oblige (your grandparents) than others (your sister). But you are not discouraged from asking.

If you had to pick one thing to do for the rest of your life, and only one thing, it would be video games. You're into roblox these days. And I'm definitely the mom who is like "so about this reebox" or some other cluelessness. But really, it's your total passion.

When you're compelled to extract yourself from video-game playing, you really enjoy riding your bike, swimming, and reading. You're always up for a road trip - to visit friends or family.

You are not interested in the least in any birds/bees/growing up/relationship conversation or story or anything. If we're listening to a podcast or I'm reading a story and there's any mention of kissing or liking someone or anything ... you insist on turning it off or walking away. You're very resistant to the idea of growing up ... for lots of reasons. Recently you said it's because you're nervous about getting a job. But usually you answer: "it's too hard to explain" when I ask what worries you about getting older. When I point out that five years ago, you weren't worried about being taller, reading chapter books, or having longer hair - you point out that growing up wasn't even a consideration for you five years ago.

Strangers often mistake you for a girl. It's funny to me, because you're so Noah. I don't think of you as "son" or "male" as much as just you. But when someone refers to you as "she", I'm still taken aback and obviously I'm not when someone refers to you in male terms. I'm so proud of you, every time, because you just laugh it off and don't make a big deal out of it. I wonder if we've done what I hoped we'd do in parenting - show that gender doesn't reflect your value. There would be no negative in being mistaken for a girl. I know it's shocking to you, but much of the world doesn't have the same belief. And you have awesome hair. Too bad much of the world doesn't allow for boys with awesome hair to grow it to whatever length they want.

You recently switched from crocs (your shoe of choice since you could articulate an opinion) to flip flops. Your uniform of sweat pants and a tshirt may change soon too. You asked for shorts that aren't basketball shorts this year and maybe you'd like some jeans. I tried not to do a happy dance outside of my head. You say the wardrobe change is because it goes better with your new flip flops, which you love.

I love seeing you interact with the world. You love your sisters and spend a fair amount of time interacting with Del .... often this is her mad at you, but it's also just talking about books or video games. You wind Del up, often unintentionally, but also with a twinkle in your eyes at times. Rye enjoys riding on your shoulders and you enjoy getting her to giggle ... but you refuse to read her a book because you don't like to read out loud. Lately you've been getting up with her in the mornings when we're out doing chores, and watching a movie with her in Nina and Poobah's room. It actually ends up being parts of several different movies, apparently, because 20 minutes into one, she'll be over it and insisting on a different one. You oblige.

You are still very much drawn to Uncle Josh. He can talk computers and programming with you but is also game for any rough housing or video game chat.

You're going to Florida with Grammy and Del this summer to visit Nina and Poobah who are there for the summer to be with your new cousin, Wally, and Tante A, David, Michelle, and Hailey. You are very excited to fly on an airplane.

You're sensitive and sweet. Compassionate and thoughtful. You are also often in your own world and still appreciate "thinking time", so it's not uncommon for you to say: "huh?" in confusion as you check back in with your surroundings - whether because you've been reading, playing a video game, watching a movie, or just thinking. (I couldn't tell you what you're thinking about because "it's too hard to explain".) You will often recount memories and fill in details about how you were feeling back then (at 4yrs old or 6yrs old) - feelings you couldn't explain then. It's always eye opening.

So so thankful for you and the life we've had so far. I can't believe you're now closer to being 20yrs old than being a newborn. But here we are. And it's just so fun to see you mature and become more you, every single day.
Love you always,
Mom

Dear Del :: 9 years

2017-04-26T11:41:00.000-04:00

Dear Del,
I think because you were my first "baby", the one we decided would be the last to be birthed ... it's unreal that you're in your last year of being a single digit - ever!
I see me in you more and more. And you'll put your foot down with passion, explaining why you disagree with this reality or that norm ... and I don't disagree with you. But sometimes we have to do things we don't like - like emptying the dishwasher, or math, or deal with illness.

You are totally aware of all that is around you. You can tell when someone is sad (and you either empathize or you get mad and say with their sadness is not justified) and you know all the mugs that exist in our vast collection and notice when a new one appears.
You can spend hours lost in a book and love reading the same books over and over. You love spending time with friends. You go outside on every even marginally nice day there is. You love playing board games - Apples to Apples is the most requested, but you need three people to play at a minimum.

You love your sister and want hugs from her ... but no kisses! (and she thinks they go together). But you also are frustrated with her at times. You and Noah can be the best of friends with your inside jokes ... but you also drive each other crazy.

As you get older, I'm more and more appreciative of the women in our family that you are drawn to. You go hang with Nina every night, you're always up for a sleepover at Grammy's, you'll text Tante A at the drop of the hat, and you Auntie Chels always means you're going to have a good time. These women, in addition to our strong community of women will surely be an incredible resource more and more as you navigate pre-teen and teen stuff. Because there's a lot of stuff to come, I'm sure.

You still come into our room most nights before bed, for a hug. You love to be read aloud to. You received a laptop for Christmas and now you've fallen down a rabbit hole of story writing, online friends, games, and youtube. I can't imagine how my parents navigated this evolving digital world -or maybe more the parents with kids 5-10 years older than me. It's tricky enough for us to know how to parent with screens, but at least we have grown up with the internet ourselves. Then again, while some things are the same - youtube has been around since very very early - sometimes we feel just as lost as anyone - you're watching people play video games on youtube?? That's a thing. Apparently it's not just you and Noah. So there's that.

You're adamant that you never want to go to regular school and when we get into conversations where you're disagreeing with some fact I'm talking about ... I tell you the story of when you were preschool aged and I mentioned that 2+2 equals 4 and you became adamant that that wasn't true.
We finally got to piercing your ears ... and you're so proud! I am too! You rocked the whole thing, reassuring us that it didn't hurt.

During homeschool camp, you spent more time away from me, hanging with your friends. You've been working on mastering a cartwheel for as long as I can remember, so the grandparents arranged for you to start gymnastics - which you LOVE - except for one tiny thing ... you wish it was every day. I'm so proud of you when I see how strong and well you use your body. It feels like I can see the embodiment of one of our biggest parenting goals - that you feel empowered and that you're completely and totally supported in whatever choices you make.

It's so fun to see how in so many many ways you've grown and matured. You're getting taller every day, it seems. You're quick on your feet - literally, and with your mind. You impress me with your confidence and also your ability to articulate your feelings, even really really hard feelings. You're smart and capable. Even when you're feeling overwhelmed, you tend to get angry about it, not sad. The anger seems to motivate you to try harder.
In other ways - you're still the baby that gets angry and sleeps sweetly, the toddler you has plenty to say, the preschooler who knows what's right and what's wrong and will work to keep everyone on a steady path, the kid who will hug you when she thinks you've been wronged and yell at you an hour later when she feels she's been wronged.

Thanks for being you. I'm so glad you're part of our family. You keep everyone doing what they're supposed to be doing and offer criticism and encouragement as you feel it's needed. We wouldn't be us without you.
I love you forever and ever,
Momma

Dear Rye :: 18mos

2017-01-01T22:26:00.000-05:00

Dear Rye,
Hi! You're closer to two years old than one! We're having so much fun watching you grow and learn. You love your siblings, you love your grandparents, and you love your parents. You are happy to hug and kiss and snuggle in to someone's shoulder. And any family member will do ... usually. It warms my heart to see you bury your head in Del's neck, or reach for Noah to be lifted up, or hide behind dad's leg.
It's amazing to see your relationships develop with various people in our family and wider community. I'm so grateful that you have life-long friends in your siblings who are quick to comfort, protect, and play with you.

Every night you do a little baby knock (it's getting louder) on Nina and Poobah's door. No matter how late, how sleep, or how asleep even, Nina and Poobah are ... they open the door and you get right up on their bed. You insist on having "your" pillow under your head. I don't know the details, because I'm not there. But at some point, you decide to leave ... or Poobah decides it's time for you to leave, and Poobah finds me to pass you to me. Depending how late in the evening it is, this might be a process that gets repeated several times.
When Nina and Poobah are not home, you will still insist on knocking - wildly confused why this part of the night-time routine is not following it's normal time frame. During these times, Orey, or small dog, will often join you expectantly at the door - hoping it will be opened.

Everybody said you would never be shy. We opened our farm store/cafe/coffee shop/bakery when you were 3 mos old and you've been a permanent fixture from the beginning. Your charm effects all who come. Grouchy old ladies wave enthusiastically at you - hoping for a return wave, gruff men will split their faces in two to give you the biggest smile, and too-cool-for-school teens will try to woo you with games of peek-a-boo. Recently you've figured out the routine. You come running when you see a customer arrive. You insist on being lifted onto the stool. You look intently at the customer and swivel the ipad that we use as our sales system to the customer. You reach for their card. You put it in the chip reader, with a little guidance. You wait patiently while the machine flashes lights. You swivel the ipad for the customer to sign. Your remove the card. You hand the card back to the customer. You wave goodbye.
If the customer doesn't leave in a reasonably short time frame (it's a community gathering spot that lends itself to conversation that isn't always wrapped up by the end of desired purchases), you reach patiently for their card again.
It takes several goodbye waves for many customers. They love seeing you wave in response to their wave.
One time, as a customer was leaving they said "thank you" - so you signed "thank you" and they waved bye and then held their hand for a high-five. You waved, tried to high-five, and sign "thank you" again. It was all the hand tricks you have, and you were all confused about what order to do it all.

All that work can be tiring. And what we've learned is that - despite your vast experience with a variety of people - you still find times when you'd prefer to be snuggling into a familiar shoulder rather than greeting a stranger.

Your day begins when I'm outside doing chores. Because we have you on the same sleep routine as us - you stay up late. But you're a baby - so you still need about 12 hours of sleep a night. That means, conveniently, you tend to sleep in.
On days the store is open (more than 50% of the week), you wake when I'm outside doing chores. Del and Noah trade off days that they are responsible for going to you when you call out. Soon after, I'm back inside and I change out of barn clothes and you change out of pjs. We then head down to the store for the day. We head back to the farm sometime after 2pm - where you take a nap in the car and I do afternoon farm chores. The day ends with a few more hours at the store and then a late (for babies) bedtime.
And you totally roll with it.

Thanksgiving and Christmas were so much fun with you this year. You were into walking around Grammy and Grampy's and greeting all the people while chowing down on turkey and squash. You had a lot of fun hanging out with the older cousins - even if you are much younger.
At Christmas - you quickly figured out the present-unwrapping situation and you were enthusiastic about applying your unwrapping skill to every present. When a few presents were put under the tree before Christmas, Nina and Del noticed tiny tears in the corners. So we put the presents away until Christmas morning.
You were so into it and went from person to person, attempting to open their present too. We found that the apple sauce pouches from your stocking were distracting enough to keep you from helping those who weren't excited about your assistance.

You imitate everyone and learn so quickly, as one year olds tend to do. You love doing whatever your siblings are doing. Recently, that means wanting to be outside sledding. They are great at including you, for the most part. I'm amazed at how happy you are to stay outside for longer than I would think.
You've recently started saying words as well as signing them. Last time I counted you had 30+ signs. Verbal words come slower. I was so excited to hear you talk. When we prompt you - "can you say ...?" - you use this funny high pitched voice. You can say Mama, Dada, Da (Del), Baba (Noah), Nah-na (Nina), and Poob (Poobah), Boo (boots), Bar (bark) ... and all sorts of animal sounds. But when you're sad, you use your regular voice and just keep saying "mamamamamamama". This is super heart breaking.
You still are nursing like a newborn, but often a hug will do if you need comforting.

We're so glad you're part of our family. We're having so much fun making memories with you!
Love always,
Mama

On racism and parenting

2016-09-22T08:34:00.000-04:00

While I was off capturing another birth (yes, I do this. It's my favorite.) and feeling all good about the world, two men were shot and killed. Two dads. Within 24hours of each other. By police officers. Because they were black.

I used to be really concerned with our fairly white circle of friends- in that most of our friends look like us. We live here, where sadly our statistics show our area as pretty diverse... because there's a maximum security prison less than 5miles away- I'll skip the prison racism rant for now, that's not why we're here today...
I used to avoid talk of diversity- because then our kids would notice and it would be a thing.
Until one day, when Noah was around 4, he said he didn't like someone because their skin was dark (he didn't know skin was referred to as white or black .... because we weren't labeling).
Adrenaline rush (on my part) and trying not to stammer too much as I ask for more clarification.
It was true. He liked people who were boys, with white skin, and preferably brown hair.
I researched like crazy. This wasn't right. The plan wasn't working! We were raising a racist white male.
I found an article like this and this.
And we started explicitly talking to our kids about race. Taking ownership for what our race had done, the atrocities committed, the need for change - still! We worked at seeking out picture books that show nonwhite characters (this is harder than you'd think - randomly pull a picture book off the shelf at the public library, and 90% of the time, it's filled with white kids) - and not books that specifically talk about race. Just books that show kids being kids -even *gasp* - black kids.

And now, 6 years later, I hear words come out of my kids' mouths and feel reassured that the race inequalities shock my children. We have recently been talking about the insane number of murders recently .... but then also talking about how it's probably the average number of killings - we just have social media to heighten awareness. The kids make big plans to go to a black person's defense in a heartbeat. Our kids are angry. And they can be, at no risk to them - because they are white. I'm so glad that they get it. I don't have to be explicit about how incredibly horrendous this is. They get it because they know that people are people and each one is worth fighting for (if needed). That it isn't about skin color - in terms of who you stand with - but it is about skin color in that it's something we're really thankful for. We're thankful that everyone doesn't look like us and we're thankful we live in a country where this is the case to the extreme. Our kids get it. Even if every.single.neighbor is white. They still get it.

I recently told Noah the story of when he was four ... and how it made me realize we weren't doing this right. He was mortified.

But I keep feeling like we could do more. I don't know what - but if more killings are happening, then it means we're not doing enough.
And this simple list came up on my newsfeed. We have a responsibility, as white people, to be the change. Black people don't have that power. They've tried. But as the suppressed group, they only have as much power as the dominant group (white people) give them. Think about that. That's a big responsibility. Take it. Own it. Do something.

And especially as a white mother of a white son who will grow to be a white man .... Big responsibility. It's a conversation that we have to keep having. It's actions that we need to keep taking.

What are the conversations with your kids like at your house around racism? Around these recent lynchings? How are you addressing this?

Dear Noah :: 10 years old

2016-08-16T13:50:00.000-04:00

Dear Noah,
I remember ten. It was a big deal. Double digits and all. But you're taking it all in stride. You are excited to be ten ... but also relish being a kid and don't want to be a teenager (or grownup). You love your life and don't want it to change.

Your favorite favorite thing is playing video games. Hands down. No competition. Minecraft, roblox, pokemon Go!. That's your life. But there isn't enough video game time in a day, in your opinion. We totally feel that unschooling makes sense - and that leads to whole-life "unschooling. We've read, you'll self regulate - food, video games, sleeping ... Not true! You will (and have) play(ed) all day, every day. Video games are very very important to you. If you're not playing ... you're watching youtube videos of someone else playing.
So we talk about how even if you wanted to eat green beans for every meal, we wouldn't let you - because your body needs a variety in your diet. In the same way, your body needs a variety in your choice of activity. So we play board games, read books, go swimming, watch movies.... But all that time, you're thinking about video games, applying life experiences to video games, and scheming about video games. I think this is also that you're ten.

We recently went on a nature walk with a biologist from Paul Smith's and you were less than enthused. When he asked if you liked Minecraft, your head snapped up and you were all of a sudden very interested in talking about dragonflies and pitcher plants and the depth of a bog ....
You were amazed that he guessed you liked minecraft. But he confessed that it's not that hard to guess when he meets a ten year old boy.

You're lately having times of frustration and increased anger. My easy-going boy is not always so easy going. This is all new and confusing for both of us at times - but also a relief. It's great to see you be self aware enough to realize you have opinions, attempt to articulate those opinions, and feel strongly enough about them to get angry if you feel it's needed. And usually it's needed for your sister. The older of the two. You're not always the best with words, and sometimes your actions have been coming out before your words. But we realized, that those actions are ones you learned from Del ... she just isn't as strong and you're feelings (and body) don't become as hurt, so we don't react as strongly as perhaps should - you included! But we're learning to co-exist as we enter into teenagehood.

Yep. I said it. It feels unreal that you're ten. You're a breath away from being as tall as I am and you weigh as much as I do. And you're 10. Which is close to 11, 12, and 13. It's unreal to imagine the baby you were is the big kid you are, and the teen you're becoming. When I tell you: "I think you might be feeling that what I'm saying doesn't make sense and that I don't understand and you'll be feeling that way more and more as you ge-..." and I notice you looking at me in disbelief. You are shocked that I get it. You say that you already feel this way a lot. And I laugh. Not at you. At the situation. That this is a pattern that happens in families all over the place every day. I try to be more patient and remember what it was like when I too was frustrated that my parents didn't understand and their rules and expectations seemed silly or too demanding or both.

But you're also quick to say that you appreciate that your life is pretty blissful. Your responsibilities are minimal. We've recently started talking more about how you do pitch in and help when asked, usually without fuss, but you need to notice when things need doing - and just do them. If given the choice, you prefer inside tasks to outside ones (too buggy, too hot). You prefer solitary tasks as opposed to joint jobs - because it's hard not to feel that you're doing the larger load of the job.

But you're initiating conversation more (with a heavy emphasis on video game talk). It's like it always is with you - from walking, to talking, to reading... you want to feel that you have a pretty strong ability to accomplish the task at hand before attempting it. You don't want to fail.

You love swimming. You resist showers. And changing your clothes. Or wearing socks. Ever. Or pants. We live in the Adirondacks - just a reminder. No matter. Crocs and basketball-shorts and tshirts are your wardrobe ... and occasionally a winter coat or vest.
I tell people you're the poster child for "Homeschool Kid" - except that you would be this way if you were homeschooled or not. I know this because I know your dad.

We're so thankful for you - even if we are still kind of surprised that we've been parenting for a decade - and you're the one who has taught us how to be parents.
Thanks for making it easy on us.
Can't wait to see what the next ten years brings.
Love you always,
Momma

Dear Rye :: 12mos + 13mos

2016-07-16T14:33:00.000-04:00

Dear Rye,
I can't believe we're already a day away from 13months! We tend to be a busy family with lots of things going on - which we love - not the "busy" part necessarily, but all the things we're doing are so rewarding and we don't want to give any of it up. And summer time just means more busy! So let's talk about 12 and 13 months together.

Your birthday seemed unbelievable - but also not. You've been around forever, it feels, and I can't imagine life without you! It's hard to believe that we were birthing a year ago - and you were a tiny-curled-up-dark-headed-blue-eyed baby. So much has happened in the last year! But all those feelings were a good reminder that birthdays aren't really about the person who was birthed but the person who birthed - especially that first birthday.

You are more and more toddler and less and less baby. You like to pull things off shelves, stack and restock objects (sockets, for example), hold a pencil/pen/crayon and insist on paper to draw on, climb on anything and everything - stairs, the rocking horse, the dog ...
You crawl everywhere. Sometimes your arm doesn't hold your weight like you expect, and you topple. You've discovered that you can stand up by yourself. You do this regularly. In the middle of a room. Then smile proudly and start laughing. Until you carefully squat back down ... and then do it again. You've taken a few steps - something you're clearly proud of. People keep saying "any day now!" but I really assume it will be a few more months until you're walking. Del and Noah were both 15months and your trajectory seems similar.

The closer you get to walking, the more you want to b held. You are not as content to sit on the floor and play. I think there's a connection. Like this emerging independence given by soon-to-come-walking means you want reassurance that I'm still here. I sit you in front of me on the floor to feed you, and you insist on turning your back to me, and resting your little bum in my lap. You want to be carried more. And if you are on the floor, you'd prefer to be walking hand in hand with me. There's lots of practice needed for walking.
Not stair climbing apparently - because before we even knew it was happening, you have become very adept at stair climbing. And if you get to a spot where you feel stuck and uncertain, you don't hesitate to call out for someone to come find you and help.

Noah and Del are your best entertainers. You are quick to laugh when they make a funny face and you've just recently started laughing when they giggle about something. You love when they walk with you or spin you in the air. You will reach for them when you're sad and your parents aren't around. You love to give kisses and will randomly making kissing sounds - asking for a kiss. This is not something Del and Noah are interested in participating in and they are committed to teaching you that kissing is gross. So I get all the kisses I can now - before their influence about this issue becomes a bigger impact on your preferences.

You're affectionate in general and like to hug and occasionally say "awww" while patting someone's back. When you hear the word "gentle", you rub your face gently. If someone gives you something soft - a stuffed animal, a blanket, a pillow - you lay your cheek down and squeeze it close, giving it a hug. If I'm not where you want me, you'll pull and tug with all your might to get me in a different position. You rub my belly or arm randomly. You're just snuggly and like touch. It makes me so happy to see you reach for Del or Noah or Daddy.

If you are done eating or don't like a certain food, you'll spit it out and very purposefully throw it on the floor. You will fill your mouth too full of water - insisting you want more - then let it all dribble out.

In the last few months, you've had your first camping trip (yay! Sand! Water! Fire!!), done a road trip to Boston (with a few museums thrown in for fun, a turned-off-hot-tub dip, and exploring a thoroughly not-kid-proof house), and a bonfire at home. I'm always surprised at how engaged you are these days. You laugh when things are unexpected - like feeling grass underneath your bare legs, someone playing peek-a-boo, or a smiley baby in the mirror. You had so much fun splashing in the hot tub and exploring the museums. The tops of your feet are dirty, your hair is crusty because you like to put food in it, and you're just starting to show your 6th tooth! This fun baby-toddler phase!

Keep being you. It's so fun!
Love you baby,
Mama

The Boston Children's Appointment that was not

2016-07-08T07:23:00.000-04:00

Del's neurofribromotosis (NF) minimally effects her life. She has a bump here. A bump there. We recently started going regularly (every 6mos) to our local optometrist to closely monitor her eyes as growths on the optic nerve are common and most likely to effect her ability to function in life (ie she could go blind).
Since the NF diagnosis, Del's regular pediatrician has been saying that at some point, we should have her seen by an NF specialty team - the closest options being Boston or NYC.
Del is now 8, and it seems prudent to have her seen before she gets into full swing puberty as this is one of the times in life when neurofibromas tend to grow (the theory is, this is a result of increased growth hormone in your system).
I quickly said Boston as my preference because we have family and friends in the Boston area who we could stay with and it's a closer drive than NYC.

Del's appointment was scheduled for July 7th.

Coincidentally, Del's routine eye appointment on June 8th showed some swelling in her right eye, which lead to an MRI, which lead to confirmation that yes, she has a fibroma behind that eye. So phew! We already have this appointment in Boston. We'll figure out what the best course of action is then.

I received a letter from Boston Children's recommending I get the referral confirmation number so that I have no trouble with insurance paying. After some run around, my impression was that the appointment at Boston was covered, but there was no confirmation number - but don't worry.

After driving into Boston (about 4 hours to my brother's house where we spent the night, and then another hour into Boston) - did you read that? I'll say it again - after driving from rural NY ... as in, right near the Canadian border inside the Adirondack Park to Boston, I decided to call and confirm that everything was per-approved from the parking garage of Boston Children's. We'd arrived about 45 minutes early, so why not?

The poor call center person. I get it. Awful job to work for an insurance company answering these calls.
She read the long winded denial.
Request is denied because the patient can see a pediatric neurologist in state (in network), Boston is not necessary. There are pediatric neurologists in state.
I explained that it's not just an ophthalmologist, neurologist, and geneticist she needs to be seen by - it's necessary that these specialists also have expertise specifically in neurofibromatosis. And we're human beings. While it may work better in their system for us to stay in state - it doesn't make practical sense. Is the insurance company going to pay for a stay in NYC? The gas money to get there? Create some sort of support network when Del likely needs surgery which will require a stay near the hospital?

I called our pediatricians office and they got on the phone with the insurance - including Del's actual nurse practitioner - explaining that we are at the hospital in Boston.
The insurance company faxed over a copy of pediatric neurologist in NY - Syracuse or NYC - (4+ hours for Syracuse - never mind NYC), to be helpful.
The insurance company didn't seem to understand that more than a neuro specialist is needed - what about the geneticist, the ophthalmologist? They also apparently don't realize that they do cover these specialists in Burlington (an hour and a half away) - across a state line - and we've used those specialists before. What they failed to also see was that these specialists are not neurofibromotosis specific.

Nope.
Denied.

So we drove home.
What makes this hard, is realizing I was holding my breath until this appointment.
Del still has a fibroma behind her eye. We still need to figure out what the course of action is.

Everybody says it - because it's true!

2016-07-01T08:05:00.000-04:00

"That first year goes by so fast."

We've had such a crammed packed year with lots of changes - I can't believe it's only been a year since Rye was born.
I also can't believe she's grown and changed so much in a year.
But I'm also still trying to figure out how the first baby I birthed is now a 10 year old, the same size as me ....
Life goes by fast after you have kids!

Dear Del :: 8 years old

2016-06-28T21:14:00.001-04:00

Dear Del,
Aunty Chels wrote on a helium balloon for you on your birthday: "happy 9th birthday". So I keep thinking about writing your letter and think: "oh, I can't believe she's nine!! ... oh wait. She's not ... I should really write her letter before she turns nine though.
So you're eight. You're still you. Tough and gentle, inquisitive and all-knowing, insistent and agreeable, serious and funny.

You love to read. You spend hours outside in the spring and summer weather - mostly on the hunt for frogs and tadpoles. You delight at ducklings, chicks, and newborn calves. You spend many many hours riding your bike. You love drawing, walking the dog, and doing detail work like knitting/beadwork/etc.
You are always helpful - on your own terms - but also really adept at anticipating another person's needs and offering to meet those.

You're very sad that you're not the oldest kid in our family and also that you don't have blue eyes. You ask why I didn't birth you first or why you weren't born with blue eyes. You call your brother names and get really really angry with him. We talk about how he has a super power - and that is to get you angry - but the antidote for his super power is to not let it bother you. But this is all really really hard to do. To be fair, many times he unknowingly drives you crazy. Sometimes you forget that the power of your feelings is inside you and that even with big feelings, you're still responsible for your actions. At this point in life though, it's really hard to feel that you can control your response to someone else's maddening behavior. It's a life-long thing that you will probably always be working on. Ask me how I know.

You love hanging out with your friends and really value that connection - even if it's someone you've only met once. You don't necessarily connect with everyone - but you do connect with many and those you enjoy being with, you ask when we're going to see them again - over and over and over. For better or worse we live in a rural area (according to you "this stupid farm") and our friends are far and wide - even our local friends are not always easy to track down and align schedules with. But you've discovered texting and facetime and enthusiastically use both regularly.

You're enjoying various video games and regularly negotiate passionately for more screen time. We talk about how if you insisted on eating green beans all the time, I would say: "you need a variety in your diet", and the same goes with life. We've tried free-for-all-screens, but then life lacks variety. We're still finding our way with this one, for sure.
You insist on a hug before you go to bed every night. And then you stay up late reading in bed. You read fairy books and comics. I don't pay a ton of attention to your reading choices - I'm just so excited that you love to read as much as I do. We were recently at a bog doing a nature walk and you pointed out a pitcher plant. I assumed this information was coming from a recent trip to The Wild Center. But no, you said you'd read about it in Never Girls. So there you go. Read away, my friend. I will suppress even my internal judgements of your reading choices.

It's been a big year for us. A week before your last birthday, our girls went home after living with us for 18mos. A few months later your baby sister was born at home. Everyone kept saying to you: "how do you like being a big sister?" and you would say: "I already am a big sister".
One of the reasons I was so excited about having a new baby was that you would experience normal birth and witness breastfeeding and just baby life. It would all be normalized and you will have a very good idea of what is involved should you choose to birth a baby in the future.

We asked you ahead of time if you wanted to be at the birth. Yes, yes! Of course you did. As the birth intensified, Grammy went to check on you both. We'd done a good job prepping you, because apparently the crazy noises I was making weren't bothering you - besides keeping you from sleeping. You weren't surprised. When birth was imminent, I yelled for someone to go get you. The baby was coming, and I didn't want you to miss it!
You were so excited. You loved holding her and snuggling her and just being close by. I'm so glad she has you and you have her.

We opened our store/coffee shop/bakery/cafe and you immediately took to the role of frequent-counter-person. I have been told, you are part of the charm of the Farmhouse Pantry experience (also known as the "stupid store", when you're frustrated at being tied down to the store's schedule). When you're gone for a weekend (off with a grandparent), we get regulars asking "where is your little girl?" and I point to Rye and they say: "no no, the older one". You impress everyone with your register skills and how well you know the inner workings of the store.

This is the year your neurofibromatosis is going to start impacting our lives. Our pediatrician mentioned a few years ago that she'd like you to connect with a team that specializes in NF at some point. We agreed that we'd go to Boston Children's at some later date.
Well, you're 8 and puberty is coming and now is the time to start that relationship. So we have an appointment scheduled for early July. Coincidentally we had your regular twice-a-year appointment with the local optometrist. He is very thorough and noticed one of your eyes looked swollen. Pictures confirmed his suspicion. There are no nodules visible, just the eye is swollen - not noticeably without the optometrist examining your eyes. Your eye site is still perfect (this is disappointing to you - you want glasses).
So an MRI was ordered, and the optometrist suspicions confirmed once again - you have a fibroma behind your eye, putting pressure on your eye. There's a lot of going back and forth with all the medical players - including a fair amount of: "why does she need an mri? That's really serious, we don't just do those .... so she's going to need an mri as soon as possible, don't wait ..."
We haven't told you yet that there's a fibroma behind your eye. We'll talk about it when we know more and have an idea about what options are - if there are even any decisions to be made right now. Fibromas tend to grow slowly, so we may just be advised to wait and closely monitor its growth.
It's turns out - below your tough shell, sometimes things are really scary - like MRIs. You were rather uncertain - especially when you learned you'd be in the room by yourself. So, unlike our usual protocol of being very up front with you, we're holding back until we have more information.

I'm amazed at how grown and mature you seem recently. Your long and lean, your face is thinning out, your hair is longer .... and then you stamp your foot screeching at me insisting it's all unfair. Or ask me to put your hair in pigtails. It's a funny mix right now -between baby girl and teen.
You have found great enjoyment in cooking - brownies at the store and pancakes at home - are your go-to cooking projects.

You expect the world to work for you and are enraged when it doesn't. You have little sympathy for someone who you deem has done you wrong and will make this clear in no uncertain terms. You are already making an impact on this world. You just haven't realized you have your own super power - the power to make change through your passion, dedication, and logical thinking. You're learning though. Figuring out how to use your power for positive change and learning how to balance that with other people's feelings.

I'm so proud of you.
Thank you for always taking on every challenge, with barely a blink. And for also knowing your limits and reaching out for support when you need it. Just make sure you keep eating when you're hungry and sleeping when you're tired. The rest will all work itself out.
I love you forever,
Momma

Dear Rye :: 11mos

2016-05-24T17:51:00.001-04:00

Dear Rye,
When people asked, I told them you were 10 months old. Then days before you turned 11 months I realized I'd missed the part where I normally say "x-and-a-half-months". You were days days! from 11months! Dad is quick to point out that 11 months means that next month will be 12 months! Eek! How has 11 months sped by so fast.
I'll tell you. We've done a whole bunch of stuff! And you've definitely been a huge part and made it all more exciting and fun.

You are now a total pro at moving around. You can crawl. You can pull yourself up. You can slowly lower yourself from a standing to a sitting position. You can roll.
It's a whole new world out there - ready for you to ~~pull apart~~ explore. We shake our head at your antics and are surprised at what you find to ~~get into~~ investigate. You are very interested in plugs - whether a cord is inserted to them or not. You love opening the woodstove grate and cabinets and drawers ... and pulling out the contents. Boxes are also fun to empty. As are bookshelves. And laundry baskets. You've even recently made it up a stair or two.

You tagged along with Nina and I on a garage-sale-ing adventure one Saturday and happily smiled and waved to everyone who passed by. You seemed quite stunned that the wave and smile wasn't reciprocated by everyone. It was a crowded day and people didn't always see you. It was as if they weren't all there to see you. I know this is surprising because at the store - you are the highlight. You smile and wave, or shyly tuck your face into my neck ... before smiling big ... for anyone who comes in the door. When customers get their meals, you will often crawl right over to their table, waiting patiently - because surely they are going to share their meal with you! It's so fun to watch other people find you as charming as we do. Occasionally, if you're not in our arms, you will take a dislike to someone - usually someone with a beard - and burst out crying, terrified. This is a new phenomenon. Usually a quick snuggle and you are on your way again.

Nina got a new dog this month and you are loving him. Fortunately, he is tolerant. He avoids you, or patiently waits while someone rushes over to rescue him - on the few occasions where you've been too enthusiastic in your attentions. He also comes at a convenient time as you are eating more and more solids ... which means more and more messes under your seat at the table. The dog never complains about having clean up duty.

We went to visit friends on the other side of the Adirondacks this month. You are okay in the car if we start early enough ... but in general, the later in the day, the less tolerant of life you are - but that's all relative, because you're still relatively chill. So the last third of the trip can be long, when you really need to fall asleep. But then you are all smiles when we arrive and it's fun to realize the huge developmental changes that have happened since a previous visit (in this case, about three months). You are way more interested in the other kids now ... and are interested in tasting chalk, crayons, grass, paper, video-game-controllers ... It's always exciting.
You do better in the car if Noah and/or Del are there to be a friendly face. But you spent most of that trip, taking whatever Noah offered and immediately throwing it on the far side of your seat - out of Noah's reach. Only to fuss again and Noah hand you another random item that has found itself in our vehicle.

It's fun to see how quickly you catch on. You clearly understand words like "up" and "bite" and your name and "c'mere" and "dog/cat". You're waving and clapping, and playing peek-a-boo. You might be signing some things but it isn't too obvious yet (did she just sign "milk" or was that random??). You copy what other people are doing - drinking from a cup, whacking a block on a table, waving. You crack up laughing when someone does something you didn't expect. And your giggle is irresistible.

I can't believe how big you're getting and how quickly you're maturing - but I'm also loving every second of it! You're such a cool baby.
Thank you for being you.
Love you always,
Mama

Dear Rye :: 10 mos

2016-04-24T21:40:00.000-04:00

Dear Rye,
You're crawling! Not fast or very coordinated - but you can move your body. The thing is, you usually are happy to just sit tight and not move. I see babies your age fighting diaper changes because they just want to m-o-v-e!! Not you. I can leave you on your back and go and get wipes from a different room ... when I come back, you're where I left you. Maybe not super happy that I left you - but definitely still in the same place you were when I left the room.

The noises you are making are more varied and more conversation-like, often insistent. You laugh a lot and you find the unexpected particularly hilarious. You also giggle for tickles.

Not only are you crawling - but you also gained three teeth this month ... pretty much simultaneously. And you were relatively chill about the whole thing.

Along with the crawling has come social anxiety. It could be worse, I suppose. You're still mostly smiley with strangers but will snuggle into my neck when they talk to you and are much less enthusiastic about reaching for anyone who reaches for you. And interestingly, people who made you nervous before - you're getting better with them - I think because now they are the familiar faces. When you crawl away from me and someone talks to you, you sit back on your bum and burst into tears.
With crawling has also come a lot more falling and you are so sad whenever you fall - backwards, forwards, sideways - it happens all over the place!

You've recently started this sad-crying face that isn't actually crying ... and it reminds me so much of Noah. I think because we have video of him doing the same face. What adds to the similarities, I think, is that while your hair isn't as thick as his - it's starting to be long enough to go in your eyes - just like him at this age.

You're eating solids like crazy. Good thing Dad is around, because my go-to is to nurse you. Sometimes, when you're fussy, he'll ask: "when did she eat last?" and I'll realize I didn't think to feed you solids all day! You're growing like crazy and apparently more-than-mommy-milk is part of your growing plan.

The bigger you grow, the stronger. Your scratches, grabs, and pinches are getting ouchier and we're working on gentle hands. Your sweet soft hands are so loving when they are gentle. Sometimes the loving is too hard. But it also means so very passionate hugs and kisses.

I recently was going through pictures and found one of Dad sleeping on June 15th ... nothing June 16th .... and then you, you, you! I can't believe how tiny you were, how dark that full head of hair was, how much Noah and Del have also grown and changed in the last 10months. I'm so glad you're part of our family. It's so fun getting to know you more and more and knowing you're part of us.

For your 9month checkup, you'd jumped percentiles again - something like 7th for weight and 50something for height. I think you're going to more than triple your birth weight. We look at your rolly thighs and wonder that you're only in the 7th%ile.

We love you forever,
Momma

Dear Rye :: 9mos

2016-03-22T15:34:00.000-04:00

Dear Rye,
You rose-y cheeked wonder, we continue to be totally smitten. Noah wakes you up in the morning because he wants to play with you ... even when a bit more sleep would do you good. But you roll with it and he is rewarded with a big grin and even some giggles.
You're sitting up really well and even moving to an almost-crawling position, but you're not quite there. Everyone is holding their breath, waiting for you to crawl ... but everyone also knows that life is going to get a lot more hectic once you're on the move. You have one leg that gets stuck underneath you and if you don't move back to a sitting position, you'll move to your belly ... which isn't fun for very long. Or you reach just a little bit too far and get stuck and can't get back up to a sitting position. You can roll from front to back but not back to front ... but the opportunities for practice are minimal as you are often carried ... or sitting on the ground, not laying on your back.

You love to engage with your siblings and if they are talking and giggling back and forth, you join right in! You don't like it when they leave the room and will call out after them and cry when they don't come back. You burst into giggles when they surprise you by peeking back around the corner - every time!

We moved the crib to our room (really, by "we", I mean "I") and side-car-ed it to our bed. Bittersweet packing away the cradle. It's exciting that you're growing older (I didn't imagine you'd be able to be in the cradle as long as you have!) but I'm not sure I'll ever be parenting a baby that needs a cradle again. I thought you'd seem so tiny in the crib, but it has quickly become normal and it's easier to night-time parent as our mattresses are at the same level and all that.

You're still all adorable gummy grin! But you're gnawing on things more - including your fingers. So I checked and couldn't feel anything. But looking carefully, I can see two faint white strips of your bottom front teeth. Your top gums have been swollen for a while - like you can see the teeth right under the gums!! - pushing forward - but still high. I was thinking they might appear first just because there was no sign of bottom teeth. As strange as top teeth first might be, teeth are teeth, and at least you'd have them! But it looks like they will come in the bottom after all and maybe in the next month. You have broken many records - big surprise of a baby, born the earliest, only baby where the water broke first, smallest baby, and now also baby with the slowest-to-appear-teeth.

For the first time in your life, you were sick this month. It was sad sad. A super nasty cold that was hard to breathe through - especially at night. You had rose-y cheeks, you were warm, and you were more snuggly than usual. It was so hard and sad to see you struggle with your red, bleary eyes - but we counted ourselves lucky that this was the first!

You clap like a champ - and even when you're sad, if someone says: "yaaaayyyy" you clap.

You are such an affectionate baby. You grab my face and kiss me open mouthed, sucking on my lower lip if given the chance. You'll also shove someone's face out of your way so you can get to their earings. And you'll gently pat or rub someone's cheek before suddenly grabbing for their eyeball/nose/cheek. It's so unexpected and so passionately aggressive!
You're really enjoying kids close to your age .... but you want to grab them too - by the hair, the shirt, the eyeball - you're not picky. And when they aren't within arms reach, you yell and yell at them.

So often, it feels, you suddenly change. And this month, a big change was that you were suddenly not enthusiastic about being passed off to just anyone. You're generally easy-going and there's been a lot of speculation over whether you being passed to her, him, and everyone at Farmhouse Pantry will ease the typical 9-month separation/stranger anxiety. Maybe you would have been more anxious? Suddenly you're not reaching for people who put their arms out to you and you turn away and snuggle into my neck, maybe peeking back at the person smiling warmly at you. You're definitely more easy going in the morning or right after a nap - but the more tired you become, the more you want your mom, dad, sister, or brother. You don't often strongly prefer one over the other - but you want it to be one of us who is holding you. Fortunately, your brother and sister love hanging out with you and are generally patient about doing so - even during the rare times they aren't fighting over who gets to play with you or hold you or make you giggle.

Like I said, we're smitten.
We love you so much big girl!
Momma

February 26, 2016 ~ A day in the Life

2016-03-13T20:53:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking I should do a day in the life as our life is hectic and interesting (right?!?) and has changed a lot since the last day-in-the-life post I did, two years ago (how has two years already passed?!?!). I wanted to stick with Tuesdays as that has been when I've done these posts in the past - but Friday is the first day of my work-off-farm week and would give a good indication of the majority of my week. Tuesday is my first stay-at-home day of the week (so first day of the weekend), so there tends to be a lot of hanging out (which is very much needed by Tuesday!).

Here's a fairly average Friday these days:

Some things to keep in mind: I had spent the few days before finishing painting the store, the week before that an overnight in Boston to go to an appointment with my mom, the week before that painting the first half of the store painting-project ... you get the idea. Store days take up a lot of our days, and we squeeze a lot in on our off days - and while we try to prioritize having at least one day to just be ... it doesn't always happen.

So given my painting agenda of the week, Rye had been woken earlier than usual in the mornings. I expected her to sleep to her typical 8:30-9am time on this Friday morning ... but that didn't happen - she was awake before me. So no sneaking out to do chores while she was still sleeping. But waking up to this face is pretty awesome ....

8:03am

I smiled at her, and she grinned big back. I could hear Noah downstairs stacking wood. He likes to get his chores/school list done as soon as possible in the morning. It's only recently that we went back to a system where the kids have a list of things they need to get done every day. Del still negotiates regularly (what if I do extra pages in this book and none in this one today? Can I do extra pages tomorrow and none today? What if I pick up 3 things in my room instead of my whole bedroom? etc). Overall though, it's such a relief not to be micromanaging their day and stuff to actually be getting done!

8:17am
Contacts put in, teeth brushed, barn clothes put on ...

Ren Man is already at the store. Friday is the big baking day and my dad goes down early with Ren Man to man the counter ... until my dad starts his telecommute-regular-workday. While Ren Man can handle the store by himself, I'm doing my best to get down to the store as soon as possible.

With Rye awake, I dress her. The kids always wake up before Rye and are ready (if not always super willing) to take care of Rye while I go outside.

But first I should stoke the fire....

... and move a load of laundry ...

... and I really need to get outside - but Del needs her hair braided....

...We talk about how fast (or slow) the kool-aid dye is leaving her hair and how she wishes it was so crazy wavy all the time - and not just a result of braiding wet hair.

9:09am
Finally outside. It's so icy and I'm thankful for a decent layer of snow this morning that will provide something for my boots to bite as I walk more and skate less than usual.

First thing is going to the 3-ton feed silo and getting two buckets worth of grain - one for the pigs, one for the growing egg-layers (who will start laying in April).
The pigs are growing fast and their antics show me that they are healthy and happy.

Next throwing hay to the dry (cows not currently being milked because they are relatively close to calving) and young cows (those who have never calved). From the hayloft, I noticed these two standing next to each other - and realized they are mother and daughter. Shadow is one of our two original cows (and the other cow from the first two has been beefed, so this girl is the one we've had the longest) and her only calf (one she calved too early stillborn and another late and also stillborn), Spring. I love Spring's markings so much.

9:23am
Milking time. This includes milking four cows, feeding the two calves that are young and still in the barn for the convenience of being able to bring them milk, bedding cows, re-stocking water for them and hay, feeding the livestock guard dogs, feeding and watering the growing egg-layers.

Time to go get the milker - I leave it in the heated wash room as long as possible to minimize chance of freezing before I start milking. Passing the van on the way, I dip into my secret cookie stash.

10:22pm
Chores done. Just about when Rye is starting to fall apart. That's usually the way. It's like she knows how long chores take!

Ren Man and I recently talked about how when I come in from chores, Rye is usually ready for nursing but I try to get down to the store as soon as possible - so hold her off until we get to the store. But it's not super helpful to come to the store and immediately need to nurse. So I decide to slow down, get back in bed, and nurse. This works well because Rye has been so distractible lately that she's nursing less during the day and more at night. The store is not super conducive to focused nursing - there's too much socializing to do!

Diaper change .... we're in the process of reorganizing rooms (ideally before Rye starts crawling!) so our clothes are in a different room ... Rye is sad to see me walk away.

10:44am
Time to go! And Noah usually carries Rye out to the car (calling her "a sack of potatoes").

Just stoke the fire one more time ...

We've arrived! And it is really really windy.

Noah takes Rye out of her bear suit and the kids ask Ren Man for breakfast, while the flour covered dad is juggling customer orders and multiple cooking projects.

Del takes Rye to the play kitchen and it's fun to hear them interact - Del's gentle instructions and explanations and Rye's babbling and enthusiasm for the toys she can reach.

Fridays are hit or miss at the store - sometimes it's really busy and sometimes it's slow - and today is one of the slower days - so I take advantage of that and jump on the piano to practice. It's a recent hobby I've gone back to after lessons as a kid that I wasn't very enthusiastic about at the time. Now I'm thankful for that foundation as I tinker around.

Del has given up on the play kitchen, but Rye is still exploring.

12:21pm
Until she's ready for a nap. It's tricky at the store because there's limited options on where to put Rye for a nap. Often the heat from the cooking stoves and wood stove make it too hot to wear her- so on this day, a highback chair works. And another reason I'm thankful for her lack of mobility so far. I'm not nervous about her falling off in her sleep.

Coffee, coffee. I didn't think this picture-taking through and it's hard when it gets busy and/or when I'm working with a customer to be taking pictures!

We have several regulars - and this is one of them. Judy says she comes for "Chai and Rye". She loves Rye and Rye loves her. Rye reaches enthusiastically for Judy and kisses her, grabs her face off, etc.
We're so thankful for Judy's enthusiasm for Farmhouse Pantry - whether it's holding Rye when things are hectic, raving everywhere about our chai, or filling us in on Saranac history - as a lifetime resident, she seems to know just about everybody.

Coffee coffee making. And only some for me :)

Mmmm almond latte .... it's so satisfying to make our own flavor syrups.

1:47pm
Realizing I haven't eaten since my secret cookie snack - I grab some chocolate bread pudding - because it comes with whip cream, of course. And remind myself that there's a reason I'm as heavy as I was when Rye was born :) Embrace it! This body has grown and birthed three babies! And continues to sustain one.

Even when the kids are done with their to-do list, they need to wait until 1pm to get on screens. And then negotiations for who gets what screen can be intense. (note that the kids are still very anti-pictures of them ...)

Rye is cranky, and the store is kind of slow at this point - so I try a new wrap technique ... but it ends up being a case of: just get the baby on! - and turns out nothing like the intended wrap job. But she's on and it's comfortable. And you can't ask for more than that!

Except this. A sleeping baby. And piano playing.

6:05pm
Baking. Baking. Every day. Mostly Friday. This means Ren Man is running around like someone who has an ever revolving to-do list. Bread is usually ready by 2pm, but there's also cookies, eclairs, pies, cheesecakes, bread pudding, pastries, muffins.... and several meal orders among the regular Friday baking to be done. Generally he works the kitchen and I run the front of the store. So while Friday is hectic for him at the store, It's not always that way for me on a Friday.

We close at 7pm and try to get most of the cleaning up and putting away done as quickly as possible. But not always - and this was one of those slower nights. Noah knows that Rye is not to be on screens - it doesn't mean he can't keep her happy while he gets his own youtube watching in ... and knowing we're running behind, it's good to be hands free to bust through a bunch of closing-time-chores.

Even though it makes some grownups nervous, Del loves spinning Rye because she gets such huge giggles from Rye. And again, all helpful toward the goal of getting home. It's a long day on Friday, and night time farm chores still need me.

But it's also nice to kick back for a few minutes....

8:39pm
Home! yay! The week before (during that road trip to Boston) I spent hours and hours of research (an embarrassing amount of hours), choosing winter boots that will meet my warmth+waterproof+cute+comfortable+easy criteria. And now the boots have arrived!

Quick demo and then time to do chores!

I get on barn clothes and then nurse the fussy baby so Ren Man can get her to bed while I do farm chores. I leave the family to their winter habit of PBS and head out.

It's feeding the pigs and cows and only milking one cow. Then slipping and sliding back to the house where there is a wash room off of the mudroom. There I wash the milker before pulling off my mucky boots and hay-covered hat. Inside I peal off insulated coveralls, stiff with muck around the cuff. I hate to bring them in the house, but here they'll dry before their needed for morning chores - and dry overalls are worth the hassle of a drying rack in the house. The house is quiet when I come in. Everyone is in bed.

10:51pm
Turn off all the downstairs lights and head to teeth-brushing, a cozy tshirt, and a warm bed.

missing days and captured moments

2016-02-25T18:50:00.000-05:00

It's not perfect, but I'm definitely grabbing the camera more...

48/365

leaving for a quick overnight trip to Boston with my parents and Rye. We left early...

50/365

The older two are insistent that they not be photographed, despite my insistence that I just want to capture the everyday... like Del's most common pastime -coloring.

52/365

When we get home days - on average it's once a week - this baby naps like a champ. On days we're at the store - at least 4 a week - the naps are shorter... But we get what we can.

53/365

Coloring, with an awesome friend and a side of screen ;)

56/365

This week has been busy - like the last two. Hopefully we can have more home days next week. Either way - more babywearing helps. Even when a big sister wants to do the wearing.

Dear Rye :: 8 mos

2016-02-23T21:19:00.000-05:00

Dear Rye,
I'm looking back at newborn pictures - and even 3month and 4month old pictures of you and I can't believe how much you've changed. You are a charmer - or something. I hear over and over again how women who have kids Noah and Del's ages and never thought about having another, feel the baby-urge when seeing you. And older women are charmed and feel so honored to get a chance to hold you. And this month you are definitely actively reaching for people - leaning for them, arms outstretched. You aren't too fussy with who you reach for and it clearly makes the person you are reaching for feel so special. Their face lights up in the most satisfying way. You then reach for their glasses, yank on their nose, or try to push their face out of the way so you can get to their earrings. And they giggle, smitten with you the whole time.

At the same time - this reaching thing works the other way too. You are adamant that you want me when you spot me again. And your immediate family is preferable to people you aren't as familiar with. It warms this mother's heart to see your pure delight in your siblings and their devotion to you.
People aren't the only thing that has your attention - you're very interested in pets too. The cats make you laugh - but also frustrate you greatly as they don't come to you as you yell at them. While you may be able to charm humans, the cats are very wary. Our big dogs make you laugh and you whip your head around or lean around the body that's holding you to get a better look at them. Smaller dogs however, you're very uncertain of - and you find them rather frightening, to be honest. Lucky for you, no small dog lives at our house.

You've started clapping - or making a clapping motion anyway - the hands don't always connect. We say: "yaaaayyy" and you proudly move your hands towards each other enthusiastically. Sometimes, you're being held so you might smack someone in the face repeatedly, as one hand is wrapped around the other person's body. Or your clapping comes across more as waving. And that works too - people are excited to wave back.

You're not interested in crawling and at the beginning of this month if we put you on your hands and knees you would start crying. I think you were stuck and didn't know how to get out of that position. By the end of the month when we put you one hands and knees, you rock back and forth and giggle. So it's coming. Too soon, I'm sure!

No teeth yet, another thing that's fun that it's taking this long. Doesn't keep you from demanding to drink from a cup or eat whatever the person next to you has. You reach, lunge, and grunt while kicking your legs. You're definitely communicating. You happily sit on the floor with a piece of bread or a pear - you mouth a piece and rub the rest in a rainbow shape around you on the floor, then stick it back in your mouth. Immunity building or something right?

You say "mamamamamama" all the time and it warms my heart and puts a grin on my face. It's also fun because it seems to make all the other people in the room get all excited too. You give me enthusiastic kisses and tight hugs.

I'm constantly amazed by how lucky I feel to be your parent and I'm so so grateful for you.
Love you a million,
Momma

Project 365 :: Winter has arrived - better late than never

2016-02-16T21:36:00.001-05:00

29/365

This is exciting! Winter is finally happening. With snow! I have little tolerance for cold without snow. Thankfully, when the cold realized it was its season - it decided to let snow tag along too.

30/365

This is William. He is not my favorite. Mostly because he's not super affectionate. Except lately. He will crawl into my lap to sleep. Weird.
Mostly though he gets hair all over clean laundry. And doesn't warm laps. So it hasn't historically been worth the hairy laundry.

32/365

So there's a lot of Rye featured in this 365 Project, because she doesn't complain about having her picture taken. And she's not mobile, so it's relatively easy to capture her cute in a non-blurry frame.

33/365

Here she's very intent on watching an older sibling's antics....

34/365

... such as this face. This is the face that says: "please, mother, kindly refrain from taking my picture." And I'm trying to be respectful and minimize how many pictures these kids are in ...

37/365

One time, I stumbled across several old cameras at a yard sale - and I snatched them all up!

38/365

42/365

43/365

44/365

46/365

It finally got ridiculously cold. But we all talked about how thankful we were that it was less than a week of cold (in comparison to weeks of cold last year). What was even more exciting was that Farmhouse Pantry was hopping for this whole cold weekend! The cold didn't make people hibernate. It was such a fun busy weekend. This is Farmhouse Pantry ... with icicles blown in by the impressive wind.

I know, I know. I can't get over how completely adorable she is either!

47/365

See? Winter is here. Proof is the plow ... plowing sand ;) and really dirty snow.

7month comparison

2016-02-04T20:36:00.000-05:00

They look so different from each other ... and so much alike. It's funny how Rye is taking on the looks of both siblings now - as well as her own distinct look. Whereas when she was younger I saw Noah 100%

Project 365 ... with missed days, but you knew that would happen ;)

2016-01-31T11:52:00.001-05:00

9/365

I'm working on a normalize breastfeeding photo project in my local community - with clearly local pictures. I thought it would be fun to get a group of nursing women together to do an outdoor shoot. I hope to get one here again in the spring ... and summer ... and fall. I was so excited all these women came out and had fun chatting about pregnancy, birth and baby life.

10/365

I finally got the call that the birth I was scheduled to photograph was happening. This was a hospital birth, so I left Rye with milk and Ren Man and a host of supportive community members.

11/365

Early early in the morning, there was a happy new mom and dad and a squishy new baby that I left in their post-birth bliss, to go snuggle with my own baby.

..... Go on mini-road trip to visit friend and forget camera .....

16/365

18/365

Yep, Christmas tree still up ;)

20/365

Okay, seriously! Those eyes!! Those curls!!

21/365

22/365

23/365

24/365

This girl can run the show, but Poobah still likes to coach her and tweak her technique. I'm so glad they have each other.

Noah and Del both have been adamant that they don't want their pictures taken. This is making my project much more challenging!

25/365

This girl though ... I've got a few years before she forms an opinion on picture-taking, right? Right?!?!

Noah keeps trying to sell his sister so he doesn't have to hold her .... but then he sneaks into our bed early in the morning and tries to wake her up so he can play with her.

27/365

After going to pick up a calf (where I thought I was going to get my daily picture), it was getting dark fast. We noticed a few deer across the road and I leapt out of the truck to grab my daily shot ... only to learn that I don't know that much about deer. They took off so fast! So this is the "not deer" shot of the day.

28/365

Dear Rye :: 7mos

2016-01-22T12:33:00.000-05:00

Dear Rye,
Your smiling and laughing so much and your siblings are soaking it all in. When one notices that you are laughing at the other, the first one goes and tries to take over to get you laughing at them. Fighting ensues. It's so gratifying to get your baby giggle.

I was telling a friend who has a similarly aged baby that you can't sit up yet ... as her baby crawls around like a powerhouse. I'm not worried - because I know you'll sit up in your own time and then you'll be crawling ... and life will suddenly be a lot more complicated! As we discuss this, I prop you up between my legs on the floor. An hour later, you're still sitting. So I realized, I don't often put you down. And when I have to, it's because I knew two hands and can't be with you, ensuring you don't tumble over. So I've never seen you sit up for any length of time, but all that rocking back in forth while in our arms or on our laps has apparently created a strong enough core and you've got this sitting thing down.... I'm now holding my breath about how long we have until you're crawling.

You continue to be the communal baby at Farmhouse Pantry and are always amenable to being passed around. This is very convenient for me, our regular customers, and you. Your community is large and loving and it's wonderful to see how this makes you shine. We often get comments on how quiet and content you are. Lately you've been babbling more, which is a fun treat and you save most of your enthusiasm for me ... but your siblings, dad, and grandparents are obviously important to you too. You smile huge and shake your whole body when you see one of these family members.

You're "awesome sleeper" status is definitely out the window. You're up frequently in the night - but Noah prepared me well and I'm happy that you are happy to be nursed back to sleep, even if it is every hour. You take awesome naps at home - like multi-hour naps!! But at Farmhouse Pantry, you really don't want to miss anything. So napping and nursing is infrequent and is interrupted frequently.

You laugh a lot and love playing peek-a-boo.
Your hands are no longer as exciting as they once were. The new distraction is your feet. And when your socks are off - !!! - it's a whole new world!

You're still not a night person at all. If we're out and it's dark, you are usually not a happy camper. You want to be home and in bed. But otherwise, you're pretty chill.
I'm amazed at how long you're getting ... how so baby you are instead of new baby.
You love smacking your lips and your gums to make different sounds.
You're very interested in pets - you're excited and want to grab them ... but when they get too close they can also be frightening.

You have a strong grip and get really sad if someone takes away a treasure you're gripping and investigating. You loved holding spoons, pens, and paper. And if you're holding them - that's right - they end up in your mouth.

We haven't had as much baby wearing these days. I used to wrap you every time we went to the grocery store and other errands. But this month you started sitting up in the cart. It's not always a perfect system, but it's an easier one and you love sitting there. You are determined to get the handle into your mouth .... but you have yet to be successful.

You're growing so fast - I can't believe we're closer to a year than not! We're having so much fun!

Love you forever,
Momma

Siblings

2016-01-08T22:06:00.000-05:00

4/365

5/365

6/365

7/365

8/365

quiet nights and happy baby

2016-01-03T21:10:00.001-05:00

2/365

3/365

Nothing more welcoming on a winter day than a cozy wood stove ... even better if it's at the local coffee shop...

... and also has an adorable baby.

New Year :: New Project

2016-01-02T10:16:00.000-05:00

I'm not picking up the "real" camera enough. The phone camera is easy, takes decent pictures, and it's there - with me all the time.
Once a day: at least one picture. With the real camera.
And I'll blog - not every day, but 365 pictures, at least. My hope was to get a picture of each kid ... one kid doesn't get a choice or care, one is excited, and one is anti ...
I'll find the kids wherever they may be, and capture a moment.
I got started a few days early ...

-2/365

Kool-aid dyed hair from weeks ago and it's still going strong ... and we've realized that Del's dresses are mostly this color too.

-1/365

reading is a thing around here <3

and feet, feet is also a thing.

1/365

Dear Rye :: 6mos

2015-12-29T16:23:00.000-05:00

Dear Rye,
You're still a momma's girl, but you often are passed around to family, friends, and even people we've just met. You check in more frequently with me when you're not in my arms than you used to, but you're generally smiley and snuggly with anyone .... except men with beards. You're great with Poobah, and will finger comb his beard all day long - but anyone with a dark and/or impressively thick beard and you are frightened. You look at them and your face slowly crumples. You turn your head into my shoulder and I pat your back. You settle down. Then peak back over your shoulder to check if they are still there ... only for a deep frown to appear and the sobbing to begin again. I try not to laugh, but it's hard. It's very very cute. Poor baby.

It feels like you've grown so much! I can't believe you're half a year old! Already! But at your checkup, we learned that you're still in the 3%ile for weight and 35%ile for height. So despite feeling like you're super long - you're still our smallest baby yet. And at this point, I think you'll just stay on this growth pattern.

You love watching kids - especially Noah and Del. They make you giggle so much. Sometimes they don't appreciate feeling laughed at - but usually they keep doing what they are doing to get you to keep laughing.

A little past your 6month mark, Daddy started you on solids. I was surprised to see you munching down the meat he was offering you. You LOVE food and are sad to see someone else eating when they don't have anything to share. It's a little tricky because we want to stick with meat mostly - definitely no wheat or dairy yet. And your frantic for food. Funny baby.

Christmas was fun and relaxing. It's so cool to see how excited you are over the Christmas tree being dragged into the living room or the lights on the tree being turned on or wrapping paper ... you love crinkly noises. You charmed your aunts and uncles when they were here and when we were there.

You discovered your feet this month and they are widly entertaining, but your hands are still a favorite. Even more exciting is that you're figuring out how to make your hands do what you want them to do.

Your hair is thinning out and lightening. Your button nose is so adorably perfect. Your big smile is still all gummy. I love it. Your fingers are long and your feet are big.

You get all excited when I throw you on to my back for wrapping - all smiley. You kick your legs and babble when you see Daddy. You giggle like crazy when you touch his head.

You've started having shorter naps - I think because usually we're at the store and there's a lot going on. You don't want to miss it!

You babble a lot at once, but also have long quiet stretches.

We love getting to know you more and more every day.
Love you baby,
Momma

Dear Rye :: 5mos

2015-12-03T12:09:00.000-05:00

Dear Rye,
So you're 5.5months ... so it's been a little busy! Well, it's always busy. But I got pictures done in plenty of time - it's the writing that's taken longer.
I can't get enough of your cuteness. Your cheeks are so kissable, your fingers beautiful, your skin soft. I remember a friend in highschool being very passionate about her friends and squealing: "oooh! I could just eat you!!!"
And now I understand.

Your favorite thing about you is ... your hands. They fascinate you. They distract you mid-smile with another human. They are fun to grab and suck on ... and use to grab other things to suck on.
You still have all the signs of teething with no teeth yet. That's okay. I'm soaking up this gummy smile - and loads of drool - from you,not me.

You're so expressive with your adorable face. You are not at all stingy with your smiles. It takes nothing for a grin to spread across your face when someone looks at you.
You don't often cry but when you do, it starts slowly ... with a very adorable frown. This is most easily spotted when we know you've just been hurt or surprised. We wonder if you'll respond. It takes a second. And then a frown slowly forms. And then crying. It's very cute. And heartbreaking at the same time.

Just yesterday you realized there are other living beings in your life - not just humans. You kicked and giggled like crazy at Eden, one of our Great Pyrenees, as she sniffed at your toes while I carried you outside - which she does almost every time we walk by. But this time, you noticed. And you were very entertained.
This morning, Dad brought you out to the barn while I was doing chores. A heifer moo'd just about the time I said: "Oh, he's so cute - why did you put a pink hat on your little boy?" because you were wearing all blue and I get this kind of reaction all.the.time when you're not dressed in society's idea of "girl" - and people get all offended or something - but that's another topic.
So just as I said this, the heifer moo'd and a frown slowly appeared on your tiny face. We laughed at the timing and it took us a minute to figure out what made you so sad. We think it was a combo of the moo and realizing there was a big animal between me and you. We brought you over to a cow to feel and you were wary, but not crying. You then noticed the chickens. You seemed interested, but non-emotional about the chicken antics.

Del and Noah are slightly more interested in you ... but it varies greatly. When they walk by, you track them. When they happen to jump, you laugh hysterically. And then they respond by jumping more. And you giggle like crazy. If you hear Del or Noah talking, you immediately look to find them. I think they are your favorite - which warms this momma's heart.

You had your first Thanksgiving - a week after I should have written this letter. It was fun because some family hadn't met you yet. You graced everyone with your gummy grins. It was so fun to hang out with your great grandmother - I love that your middle name is her first name. She pointed out the cousins in Dad's generation that also have her first name as a middle name. It was crazy to think that this time last year I was feeling a little sick, not super in to food ... and no one but Daddy knew you were growing inside of me. Man - time goes fast! And this time next year you'll be walking and talking!

So right now I'm staying present and enjoying your enthusiasm when you discover animals (and the tears), relishing the tiny baby hugs and kisses - because you definitely give them!, laughing at your cooing and distractability when something grabs your attention, the change in weight distribution on my back when I'm wearing you and you fall asleep .... all of it. It's so fun to have the perspective of this not being my first rodeo. I love the phrase "the days are long but the years are short" .... but these days, even the days are short!

In other exciting developments, you just started reaching for a person when you want them to take you. Another heart-melting experience.

I'm so so thankful for you, baby girl!
Love,
Momma

Dear Rye :: 4mos

2015-10-25T21:51:00.000-04:00

Dear Rye,
You're so close to rolling over. Okay. Fine. You've rolled over more than once, but not when I'm in the room, so I'm not sure at you intentional you are. And also. I'm not ready. I can't believe you're 4months old. (I also can't believe I gave birth four months ago.) People talk about starting solids at 4months old. Solids - like food! I can't even imagine that with you.
You nurse whenever, wherever, and rarely pop off yourself. So you're getting a ton of breastmilk ... and there's a ton of spit up that goes with that (although, Noah and Del have asked me clarify why we just don't call it puke).

You're such a momma's girl - it's crazy. Dad says you last about 15minutes before you suddenly lose it if I'm not there. I don't think it's quite that bad, but maybe. You are chill being passed from person to person (it happens a lot at the store), but you wiggle with your whole body and give me a huge grin when you see me across the room. To be fair, you're not too stingy with your smiles. You're happy to grin big and wiggle around whenever anyone looks at you. You might be most excited to see your siblings though, which is really cool. You've started giggling this month too - so Del and Noah have all kinds of fun trying to get you to laugh.

You're putting weight on your legs and seem to be trying to lift your head up off flat surfaces - like starting to do a sit up? I don't know what you're doing - but your ab muscles surprise me!
You're still tiny, but like Noah's "big" seemed "normal", your "petite" seems "normal". Then we see a baby that is very close in age and are surprised at how monstrous the other baby seems. This happens every time. So that makes me think you are actually small. Which is fun, because you act your age, in a tinier human form than the average. Yet those hands (feet too) are so so huge!

You've totally discovered your hands this month and it's cracking us up. You often grab at your hands in a nervous way or in a "I am scheming" way. But you also grab those hands and your eyes cross as you concentrate on them ... and then shove them in your mouth. Because the teething is real. You're gnawing on your hands and on mine (and anyone else's) and the saliva is overwhelming so there's lots and lots of drool.

Your favorite time of day is still morning. As soon as you see a person, you're smiling at them, big. When the swaddler comes off, there's a big warm stretch, then smile, smile, smile. You sleep awesome at night, but it's like sleeping with another grown person - the wiggles, burps, farts, grunts ... yep. Who knew a baby could be so loud and expressive with bodily noises?

Sometimes you fall asleep in the day in my arms. If you wake suddenly, your eyes are red and you look around all confused. Once again, making us laugh.

You continue to charm everyone who sees you - it's like they've never seen a baby before. People often comment that your face isn't a baby face - like you already have mature features. More than once you've had two grown men smiling and cooing and doing anything they can to get a grin from you. More than once someone has asked if you are for sale, at the store. Del is always quick to say "no way!" Noah is still holding out for you to learn to love video games.
We also have to remember that this is the month I told the kids to entertain you as I rushed out of the room to help a customer. Del dramatically turned her back to you and took a few steps away - then quick! - turned to you and shouted "boo!". Your face crumpled up and you started bawling. It was just too scary. We laughed and laughed.
The next day the three of you hung out at Grammy and Grampy's while I went to this photo shoot and that one. Grammy said you had the same reaction when Noah shouted "boo!" at you. Grammy assured Noah that it was an accident. He replied with certainty that it was no accident, he knew shouting "boo!" would cause the reaction it did. Brothers!

As the temperature drops and we head into the cold season, I don't feel I can get enough layers on you! So thankful for babywearing, when appropriate. But it also reminds me that you'll be experiencing so many firsts! There's already been your first snow-fall. If it stays this cold I'm going to see if we can have you skip trick-or-treating, even though Del and Noah have big plans for dressing you up. But I'm excited about Thanksgiving and Christmas with you.
Funny to think that this time last year we didn't even know you were already gestating - and now you're this interactive person! And at Thanksgiving we were keeping you a secret and at Christmas we were finally telling everyone ... and this year you're here - with your smile on!

We love you always,
Momma