Mommy Doesn't Live Here Anymore

What if??

noreply@blogger.com (Heidi) — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 22:28:00 +0000

It's only been over a year.. what if... I just picked this thing back up. I mean it's not that my life got any less nuts.. I just got more quiet about it. Maybe, just maybe...it's time to bring it back out. Oh my!

Workin on my skilz

noreply@blogger.com (Heidi) — Fri, 22 Oct 2010 12:37:00 +0000

My toolbar

noreply@blogger.com (Heidi) — Wed, 29 Sep 2010 13:33:00 +0000

What is open on my browser bar right now:

State Fair of Texas: Fried Beer

Starting a Gluten Free Diet

Weight Watchers

Really? Who is looking at all of these things in the same mindset???

The travelings of meatballs

noreply@blogger.com (Heidi) — Tue, 28 Sep 2010 12:25:00 +0000

3 year old Son (completely naked): Hey mom, you know what happens when I eat those Spaghettios with meatballs?

Me(Very scared, but curious to hear the answer): Nope, what happens?

Son (very serious): It travels through my throat (demonstrating the entire time), past my stomach, down to my "little thingy", then under that (and grabs his junk) and this is where they end up.(Squeezing the things so hard I am sure if any male saw that he would have crossed his legs and doubled over.

Me (even more frightened, and yet trying my darndest not to crack up): So the meatballs are stuck in there?

Son (still as serious as a heart attack): Yup, there right in there, do you see them? (and sadly, yes, I could "see" what he was talking about due to the amount of pulling and squeezing he was doing.

Me (pushing it a little farther): Well, I eat Spaghettios with meatballs, what happens to mine?

Son: Well, yours just go in your tummy. (Looking at his mother like she is stupid, and should know that when we eat food, it just goes in our tummies.)

REALLY SON!!!! You aren't right in the head!

Potty Talk

noreply@blogger.com (Heidi) — Thu, 23 Sep 2010 12:59:00 +0000

I love that when my son poops he screams, "See ya," when he flushes.

Or

"Goodbye Folks."

It's a mystery where he gets such a crazy sense of humor.

Babies

noreply@blogger.com (Heidi) — Wed, 22 Sep 2010 12:48:00 +0000

So the 8 year old has yet to ask, "Where do babies come from?" But I swear, the 3 year old is going to beat her to it.

His thoughts on babies are as follows:
Mommies have girls in their tummies, and Daddies have boys.
Yeah, I'd like to see your dad haul around a kid in there. Men are such wimps, there's no way they'd make it 9 months of torture. I would have gladly given him the privledge to "experience" all that I got to experience. And where the hell would the kid come out from??? ewww!

And then the child sometimes gets so distraught and says, "Mommy, please don't eat me and put me back in your belly. I don't want to go in there. How would I eat?"

Believe me child, I don't want you in there either. You are am mammoth of a child and your big foot wouldn't fit in there now. But maybe I could use that one to my advantage. Like, "Child, if you climb on that countertop One.More.Time. I'm going to eat you!" I swear that would probably work.

So I'm pretty sure he's going to try to figure this whole baby thing out soon. Good thing I only have to have "the talk" with the girl. The girl that really, really doesn't like to talk about things. I'm good with that. So Daddy, who carries boys in his tummy, you have fun with explaining things to the little guy.

I'm Tired.

noreply@blogger.com (Heidi) — Tue, 21 Sep 2010 12:45:00 +0000

I'm tired.

Is it old age? Is it sickness? Whatever it is, I'm tired. All week.(yeah I know it's only Tuesday, but dang it, I'm tired.)

Where the hell is my pause button? I want to just go lay down and take a snooze.

The problem is, I had a fabulously lazy weekend, I am eating right and exercising. I show no signs of sickness, so why am I so dad-gum tired?????

Traveling is hard work, even without the little munchkins

noreply@blogger.com (Heidi) — Wed, 15 Sep 2010 12:43:00 +0000

OMG I had the most awesome weekend! Yeah, I know it's Wednesday...it was so awesome it took me until today to recover. I flew down to Texas to spend the weekend with my college girlfriends. Nothing better than acting stupid with girls who have known you forever, and still love you. FYI, anyone who sees me on beer and energy shots, beware, it's not pretty, but it is sweaty.

OK, so this post isn't about that, but yet, about the travels.... This is what I went through to get to these lovely ladies.

Night 1: I drive 2.5 hours in the dark. (If you know me IRL you just gasped. I don't do dark.) This was just to get to my hotel to stay in before I go to the airport for my flight.

So at the hotel I feel that everyone is just ready to rob, rape and kill me. Why? Um, cause it's dark and you know, that's what everyone does at night, right? OK, so maybe I'm a bit paranoid. But, just to be safe, I lock myself in my nasty hotel room and don't eat dinner for fear that if I leave my room, I may never return. (again, absolutely no reason to think this except maybe I have watched too many scary movies or something.) So I get a night's rest. (notice I did not say GOOD nights rest? That's because someone mentioned, "Don't let the bedbugs bite" before I went to sleep and I freaked all night thinking about bedbugs.

So I wake up and try to shower.... um 4 pubes in the shower. I.am.not.kidding! and enough said on that subject.

So I get my flight then said friends pick me up for a 4.5 hour drive to our destination. And fun commences!

On the way home....

I stay with my parents the last night so my dad can drive me to the airport. I like to keep these two on their toes, so I tell them my Arrival time, not my Departure time. I don't notice that I am suppose to be at the airport at 12:20 instead of 1:55 until it is dangerously close to me missing my flight. So we fly out of the house. No hair done, no makeup. (Again, if you know me IRL you are gasping again... that just doesn't happen. But it did. (Luckily I know how to perform miracles in the car and transform into the beauty you see on your sidebar. haha)

So I make the flight and have to take a shuttle back to the hotel. Shuttle guy is sooooo sweet to put my bags in my car for me. But I think he would have been sweeter, if he actually put MY bags in my car. Not someone elses. And then drive away. It would have been sweeter, also, if my car would start. Yeah, so I'm sitting there 2.5 hrs from home, car won't start, and I have the wrong luggage.

This is about the time I lose it.

Thank you sweet baby Jesus for Snickers bars and Dr. Pepper. I would have preferred Wine and perhaps some drugs, but you make do.

So I did FINALLY get the shuttle guy to come back and switch the luggage. And the nice maintenance man (whom I thought wanted to kill me the first night) got my car working again. And I am on my way.... for 2 hours... in a car with no radio because it has to be reprogrammed since the battery went dead.

And I'm exhausted.... the end!

I'm alive!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Heidi) — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 14:07:00 +0000

So I'm back from my blind date! Turns out, neither of us is a crazy serial killer. Well, I take back the crazy part. We are DEFINITELY crazy. But harmless.

(and yeah, I am akwardly too close to her in this picture. Do you think she looks scared?)

We took our girls on a Silly Bandz crazy weekend of shopping, laughing, movies, and junk food.

I think the girls got along great. I discovered this just about the time they ran from us and locked us out of our hotel room.

It is so glad to hug and talk face to face to someone I have considered a true friend for so long. Someone I never spoke a word to until we met, and then we couldn't shut up the entire time we were together.

To see her little girl, who has been whipping cancer's butt! Someone I have been praying and crying for. She is one tough, funny, and lovable girl. Even if she did introduce my daughter to Aeropostle and Justice Ugg boots. And try to convince her to get a rabbit.

So all in all, this internet thing started out as just a way to release my random thoughts, but has turned into something that actually builds relationships, something much deeper that I would have ever thought.

Self Proclaimed Snob

noreply@blogger.com (Heidi) — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 18:51:00 +0000

Hello, my name is Heidi, and I am a snob.

I am a leftover snob.
I detest eating leftovers. I would prefer a freshly prepared meal every day. (I just don't want to be the one to prepare it.)

I am a toilet paper snob.
My bum only wants the softness of the red Charmin in the giant/mega rolls.

I am a coke snob.
I will not drink your Shasta, Dr.B, K-Mart brand, whatever.... I prefer the real thing, baby.

I am a kiss snob.
If for any reason I don't feel like someone gave me the appropriate kiss I will make you repeat it. So hubs, kiss-on the lips, facing me full on. Thank you. Kids-wipe the crap off your face and kiss your mama on the cheek,much appreciated!

What are you a snob about???

Yeah, I lost it...

noreply@blogger.com (Heidi) — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 19:32:00 +0000

So have you ever totally connected with a fellow blogger? Sent the private emails? Dare to "friend" them on facebook and let them have a REAL peak into your life?

Yeah, me too. (HI Kameron, Heidi, & Nikki)

But this weekend, I decided to step it up a knotch.

I am actually meeting a bloggy friend this weekend.

You might think:
Well perhaps they are going to lunch?

Or even go so far as to let her come to my home?

What about meet for the first time and then spend the night in the same hotel room with our daughters?

Yep, we're going "all in," and taking a small vacation together. Shopping, swimming, and sleeping.

So you know, if I don't come back... blame Keli! Nicole knows where to find her!

The bloodhound

noreply@blogger.com (Heidi) — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 19:28:00 +0000

Dude, I know what my kid will be when he grows up. A drug sniffing dog. Seriously. The little shit has some bad ass radar going on.

Exhibit A:
I have stashed sugar free chocolates at the TOP of the pantry. In a box. Hidden from view.

Kid walks into my bathroom yesterday while I'm taking a shower with the shit in his hands. "Mommy, I got your treats for you." (in that little sing-song voice, like I'm going to be ever so pleased with him.) WTH?

Exhibit B:
Anywhere there is the faintest crackling of foil, kid is on it. Rooms away, he hears me open up cupcakes, potato chips, fruitsnacks, he's there instantly. He can be sound asleep on the couch, you go busting open a ding dong... that's it, naptime's over.

The small child is good. But I am determined to be better.

My baby

noreply@blogger.com (Heidi) — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 16:12:00 +0000

This beautiful ~~little~~ girl turned 8 today. Man, what a confusing age. Boys are chasing her, she is worried about school, she is realizing there are social classes and injustices in the world, and she wants to fix it all. She is self conscious, and unsure of herself. But yet, knows who she is and right from wrong. She is too old to play barbies, but too young to have a cell phone. She tries her best to please her parents, but yet, wants to have her own voice and opinion.

I love this little girl with my whole heart.

I wish I could protect her from the world.

I wish she knew how special and precious she is.

I hope she finds her own happiness in this uprooted life we give her.

I hope I give her everything she needs.

She is my baby.

My day is going to be awesome, how 'bout you?

noreply@blogger.com (Heidi) — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 12:16:00 +0000

Puking kid....

need I say more?

Oh, you want to hear more? OK.

How about puking kid, husband going out of town, house completely empty of food. Can't go to the store because of..you guessed it, puking kid.

And puking kid likes to actually lean over the designated trash can, until...he decides that isn't good enough, right about the time it's about to explode. And goes running to the bathroom. Guess what!? He didn't make it.

It's going to be such a great weekend.

Pull the plug

noreply@blogger.com (Heidi) — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 15:27:00 +0000

I have been thinking that maybe I'm sitting at the computer when I should be, you know, doing things like cleaning, watching my children, knitting, baking a pie, whatever "good moms" do.

Maybe I should just unplug the darn thing and get back to the "old'n days" before Gore invented the Internet. Exactly how would it be to be unplugged for a while?

Well, except for Weight Watchers. Gotta log in the points. You know, I'm paying for it, gotta use it.

And maybe Face book. I mean strictly because what if my mom writes me. That would just be rude to not respond, right? So I gotta check that. You never know when your high school biology teacher is going to need to ask you a very important question or something. So, gotta check Face book, it's a must.

Then maybe real quick I'll get on email. Just to clean out the inbox so it isn't all crammed with stuff then next day. Wouldn't want it to jam up the computer. So maybe just for 5 minutes.

Oh, and epicurious. Family has to eat, and I have to find the recipes. That will only take a second.

Yeah, after that, I'm totally going computer less for the day.

Just a thought

noreply@blogger.com (Heidi) — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 15:12:00 +0000

Is there really anything worse in the world than having to put on a swimsuit?

Oh yeah, having to shave to put one on...that sucks too.

These white thunder thighs are gonna get some sun! Beware!!!

And for an FYI... not a fan of tagging me in pictures on Facebook. I have camera magic going on before pics are allowed to be posted. Must get approval. Anyone else feel this way??

Leave them alone for 10 minutes

noreply@blogger.com (Heidi) — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 15:59:00 +0000

Leaving 2 small boys alone thinking they are playing nicely and not getting into the moving boxes and ripping out every game we own...

Could it get any worse?

hmm...maybe that before I got it cleaned up the basement flooded and we lost all our games.. Yeah, that could make it worse. Guess what kids are getting for Christmas. Sure in the hell isn't games! hahahaha

Really, I can laugh about it now. Actually, I could laugh about it then. I tried crying about it, but just ended up laughing. What's wrong with me?

Just a peek

noreply@blogger.com (Heidi) — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 15:48:00 +0000

into quite a Redneck 4th of July....

Really? I let my kid use a citronella candle to light her sparkler with the eleven forty thousand beers on the table. I bet all the neighbors are so impressed with us new ones in town.. geeze.

Dang honey, don't put that beer down while you light explosives for that small child...

A word to the wiser than me

noreply@blogger.com (Heidi) — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 14:19:00 +0000

So you know I got ~~myself~~ my husband an iPad, right? Well it seems it's not such a good idea to get the "Smaktalk" app for the kids. At first you think it's pretty funny to hear the little hampster, puppy, kitty.. repeating everything that your kids say. They sit for 30 minutes just talking to the darn thing, it's adorable.

Until...

You find yourself yelling all willy nilly at one of them and after about 3 minutes realize that damn thing is still on and the stupid little furry creature is mocking you in it's stupid high pitch voice and your kids are cracking up at you. Worst part being that you can't turn it off & you can't yell at the kids to do it because you don't want to speak anymore because you sound like an idiot, so you just use hand motions, which make them laugh harder. Finally, giving up and just leaving the room. Like I needed anything else to undermine my authority in this place.

No Cinderella here

noreply@blogger.com (Heidi) — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 02:05:00 +0000

Evidently I am no princess.

Because princesses wake up all smiley and stretch while they hear birds chirping while the pull down the covers. Deer smiling at the window and little cute furry bunnies bringing them their slippers. They smile and greet each creature with a sweet, "Hello, what a beautiful morning."

I wake up like Shrek.

"What the hell are you doing in my swamp? Who disturbed my sleep. Go away!!!!"

All fumbling out of the bed with sheets tied around my calves. Glasses crooked on my face and a big ball of hair falling out of one ugly bun at the top of my head. It's not pretty. Small pets and children beware...

This morning was particularly bad. I woke up to a 3 year old screaming, "Mommy, my hands are all red." Meaning "Mommy, I just had one hell of a nose bleed and you're gonna get out of bed a 5:30 and fix this shit for me."

To hell with princesses. Where's my coffee.

Triple word score!

noreply@blogger.com (Heidi) — Sun, 27 Jun 2010 22:33:00 +0000

Well, I figured out what to do with myself. It's called Ipad.

I tried to wow the hubs with a Father's Day gift. See, I'm more on the cheap side. I'll always get the knock off version of anything, but this time, when he asked for a Kindle... I went one step above. Only problem is that it took until today to come in. And now well, I'm kinda, sorta addicted. and he hasen't even made it home from work yet.

But hello! Words with friends!!!! Awesome! So goodbye laundry, dishes, mopping, I'll be playing on my hubby's Ipad!

What to do with myself

noreply@blogger.com (Heidi) — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 18:41:00 +0000

So this weekend was awesome. Heck, half the time I didn't even know where the kids where. This new house is perfect for them. They have so much to do and are safe everywhere, that they are just free to be themselves, and they are taking full advantage of it.

So hubs and I were sitting at the dinner table when he said something about, now that the kids are getting a bit more self sufficient, I (meaning ME) can take time to take care of me. To do what I want.

Sweet thought and gesture. But you know what I did? I cried. Taking care of me is the scariest thing I can think of. No, no, I think I'm happy just taking care of you guys.

Taking care of me means that I'll have to actually go back to the cardiologist for my heart. That I will have to face the issues of my mammogram that I really don't want to think about. That I will have to actually lose the weight that I know is bad for my health. That I will have to think about something other than making my kids smile or take care of them.

See, when I became a mom, I had absolutely no intention of giving up my job. I was all set to have 8 weeks leave from teaching and then jump right back into it. But situations change and hubs got a relocation 3 states away. So I became a stay at home mom by default. It was not pretty at first. I felt worthless, I felt lonely, I felt like nothing I did meant anything. (don't judge, I don't feel that way now, but it's where I was at, at the time.)

It took some time to embrace this role. To enjoy the 10 minutes it takes to get everyone in the car, to always put their needs above my own. (Sometimes that includes not peeing for 6 hours straight.) But I love it. And now I can see that this time in my life is kinda closing. That although they do still need me, I also need to find my own thing. To look into myself and see what I want out of life for me. That scares the crap out of me. I'm scared I'm not that person anymore. Who am I going to be when they are gone? Who do I want to be? What's my excuse going to be for not taking care of myself then?

It's so much easier to hide behind the stroller than to stand alone.

Moms Rock! Or this one does.. for a day or so.

noreply@blogger.com (Heidi) — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 20:16:00 +0000

Love it when I become the "Coolest Mom Ever."

It just took driving 2.5 hours to get my daughter's best friend from the town we just moved from for a couple of days.

There really is no replacement for that smile that says you are their hero. At least for today. Tomorrow, I'll go back to being the mean mommy that makes you take showers and eat your vegetables. But today, I Rock!

4 is just not enough, evidentally

noreply@blogger.com (Heidi) — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 16:46:00 +0000

Actual conversation. Really, I wish I was making stuff like this up, 'cause, um...ewwww!

Son: Oh no!

Me: What's wrong?

Son: I ran out of boogers.

Me: You ran out of what?
(at this point the entire family stops in our tracks and watches the strange kid who is sad that he ran out of boogers. I am just hoping I heard him wrong.)

Son: BOOGERS! I ran out of BOOGERS!

Me: Um, ok. (How the hell do I fix this one.)

Son: Yeah, I only have 4 left and I won't have enough for the day.

Me: (In my head I am thinking of all the reasons he would need more than 4 boogers. Is he eating them? Building a model booger monster? plastering them on his wall? What the hell is the kid doing with boogers that he needs more than 4. And while I'm at it, how the hell does he know he has 4 boogers up his nose?)

Son: We are going to have to get more.

Me: Really, and how do we do that?

Son: (insert eye roll) MOM, you get them at the booger store. (as he grabs his shoes and heads to the car.)

I don't know

noreply@blogger.com (Heidi) — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 13:45:00 +0000

Hmmm. Day started off with a small child taking a full loaf of bread out of the pantry and jumping on it. WTF kid? Why, why would you do that?

"I don't know."

Remember saying that? Over and over and over as a kid. Every stupid, irrational decision you made, your parents would ask you, "Why?" And the answer was always, "I don't know." And yet as a parent, I keep asking, like the answer is going to change. Like if I find the source of his stupidity it's going to make the fact that I can't make toast better. And yet I still ask because for the life of me, I can not figure out why that child would go to the pantry, reach up high, get the FULL loaf and then smush it under his feet.

I am thinking it's going to be a long day. Thank you sweet niblets that I have a date with my man tonight.... that though should get me through the day, a toast-less, sandwich-less day.