MOMMMY IS ROCK 'N ROLL

Have you subscribed yet?

2011-02-12T17:23:00.002-06:00

Seriously, folks, go to the new blog and subscribe to it please. Same rad content, new layout, new host, blah blah blah.

DO IT NOW!

Moving day!

2011-02-06T00:05:00.000-06:00

I have made the big move to Wordpress and self-hosting! I am currently getting my theme and plug-ins up and running but the content is there (well, it's still archived here on good ol' Blogger). Please go to the new site!

If you want to go ahead and subscribe to the new feed click HERE!

I will be getting the email subscription option as well as Google friend connect set up this weekend so if you prefer to use one of those to keep up with me fret not, it's coming!

Thank you so much to Tony for doing the hard part for me. You rock my face off, dude.

Workin' on her fitness.

2011-02-04T21:18:00.000-06:00

I love that my daughter wants to mimic my actions especially when she copies me as I'm working out. She likes to carry around the two pound hand weight while I use the five pound weights and we dance and sing and march around the sofa.

And then? The unthinkable happens.

She gets BORED. Imagine that.

Avery decides that she is through lifting weights and tosses the hand weight onto the tile floor of our kitchen.

As soon as the weight bounced away from the point of impact I saw the damage and was furious. I yelled for Jacob to COME SEE WHAT YOUR DAUGHTER DID and I swiftly scooped Avery up and put her in time out.

While Jacob inspected the damage I told Avery that we don't throw things and that she ruined our kitchen floor. I'm sure she totally understood and suddenly became filled with remorse.

Right.

I showed her the spot that she nicked in the floor and told her to apologize to her daddy. She said "I sowwy daddy" and I could see him melting.

STAY STRONG! BE FIRM! SHE FUCKED UP A TILE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE KITCHEN! WE CAN'T PLACE ANYTHING ON TOP OF IT!

Our temporary fix will be to super glue the chipped piece back onto the tile square and we'll replace the tile when we get around to it.

Once the confrontation was over she was free to go destroy something else. I put the hand weights up so she can't reach them but it's only a matter of time before she finds something else to break.

So yeah. Terrible twos? I'M SO OVER YOU ALREADY.

Nobody puts baby in a corner.

2011-02-03T21:17:00.000-06:00

Disciplining a toddler is a fucking joke.

"Pick that up! Do you want to go to time out?"

"Uh-huh!" Smiles.

No, kiddo, it's not a good thing. So into the corner she goes and after a minute she gets it. This? Is not a game. This is not fun. It's punishment.

This week we have decided to start holding Avery accountable to her actions by implementing time-out since we aren't fans of spanking. The occasional tap on the hand or butt is fine with us but we prefer non-corporal punishment.

Anyway, it isn't exactly working. The only time we send her to time-out is when she refuses to pick up something that she has clearly thrown across the room on purpose. Once her two minutes are up she concedes and puts away her Legos, toast, clay, whatever she has toss around.

I just don't think she really understands that you aren't supposed to throw shit around. How the hell do you teach your kids to quit being assholes with their belongings?

Is this what you do with your spare time?

2011-01-31T23:50:00.000-06:00

I got a troll on a post I wrote nearly two years ago and I would like to address his/her concerns because they're amusing and I need some content.

Here is the comment:

OMG. What a mess. If you had only eaten real food like any other omnivore your health would've been so much better.

Restless legs: Your body was low on iron, due to your poor diet, and your baby needing what little nutrients you had.

Gallstones: Not enough 'real' fats in your diet.

So you had your gallbladder removed. Didn't take hydrocordone -- kudos -- but took Tylenol, the number 1 cause of liver failure.

Your poor kid. Hopefully you'll drop your pride, and learn to eat real food, including meat, or at least eggs, and cholestrol.

You'll feel so much better, and perhaps your kid will survive beyond age 3-4 without developing ADD, ADHD, if not autism.

The only real point I'd like to make is that I didn't become vegan until after Avery's first birthday. By this point Avery was only nursing a couple of times a day and she was eating a well-balanced diet JUST LIKE SHE DOES NOW.

We are no longer vegan but we are vegetarian and she is very healthy as am I so thank you for your concerns, anonymous toolbox.

I know that I open myself up for criticism but why do we feel the need to attack each others' parenting and life style choices? I want to know how my not eating meat affects you. It doesn't. Thank you for your concern, really, but shut the fuck up.

Longing.

2011-01-29T00:19:00.000-06:00

I miss my laptop.

That is all.

Blah blah running blah blah blah.

2011-01-26T00:40:00.000-06:00

I never thought I'd say this but I have a sports-related injury.

Seriously.

I have patellar tendinitis from, get this, RUNNING TOO MUCH.

Today was the beginning of week three of my 5k training (did I tell you I was doing that?). The first two weeks were awesome; I was overcoming challenges and not giving up when I felt tired like I used to do. The lazy and complacent old Lauren? That bitch is gone, y'all. The new Lauren LOVES to run. On Saturday I ran for three minutes without stopping just to see if I could handle the three-minute running intervals for this week's training. Nailed it. Then on Sunday I decided to see just how long I could run without stopping. After five and a half minutes running at 5.5 MPH I decided to stop but I bet that I could have kept going.

Unfortunately, training six days a week has left my stupid almost twenty-eight year old knees sore and pissed off. My body isn't used to this kind of physical activity and I guess I'm hitting it pretty hard and fast. Also, I don't feel like the treadmill absorbs much of the impact from my weight.

All I know is that when I started the first three-minute run tonight I wasn't sure if I would be able to finish it. The pain was only in my knees but it was awful. I kept running until I heard the 'ding' on my training app and then I slowed the fuck down. After running at five MPH slowing down to three felt like I was barely moving but even at that speed it still hurt.

I wanted to cry.

I didn't finish today's training routine but I did walk for the remaining twenty minutes at a steady 3.5 MPH. I felt defeated. My legs wobbled as I walked home and I was cold since I didn't work up a sweat at the gym to keep me warm once I stepped outside.

After consulting with Dr. Google and self-diagnosing I popped some ibuprofen and relaxed on the sofa. So what if I have to take it easy for a few days? I'll keep walking until I can run without pain. I'm not giving up this time.

So nice try, body. You may have slowed me down but you won't hold me back.

Real men don't puke.*

2011-01-24T00:51:00.000-06:00

There are probably millions of people out there who believe in the practice of running to the doctor for every sniffle, cough, or bout of diahhrea.

I am one of those people.

Granted, MOST of the time there is actually something wrong with me that can be described as an infection and you can't buy antibiotics at the drug store. If you could I would skip the $25 copay and just diagnose myself. It's always one of three things: sinus infection, upper respiratory infection or a urinary tract infection. Okay, so the symptoms of the last one aren't the same as the first two but those are basically the only illnesses I ever get. I used to get strep throat once a year but I've been downgraded to upper respiratory infection which actually sounds worse.

Every morning after I eat breakfast I take a prenatal multi-vitamin (no, I'm not pregnant but prenatals are the BEST vitamins) and a vitamin C supplement. I wash my hands, use hand sanitizer, and I even cover my mouth with my elbow when I cough or sneeze. You're welcome.

And yet I somehow still get sick.

My husband, however, never gets sick. He takes vitamins too and yes, he washes his hands but he isn't a germophobe like me. He doesn't have half-taken prescriptions in the medicine cabinet like I do. In fact, the man hasn't been to the doctor since he pinched his sciatic nerve two years ago and had to be carried down three flights of stairs by EMT in this weird little chair since he was too tall for the gurney.

Anyway, he never gets sick. And you know why? His body creates its own antibodies like it's supposed to and hasn't built up an intolerance to it.

HOWEVER, my never-sick hubby? Is fucking sick. And man, is he being a pain in the ass.

Isn't that what I'm supposed to say? Men are such babies when they're sick. Blah blah blah.

In my case? Total bullshit. Jacob has a stomach bug (like what I had in November that killed me for a week) and he's taking it easy but he still helped me around the house and watched Avery so I could go to the gym. The only time an adult gets to be demanding and lazy is when he's sick and he's fucking blowing it. Stay in bed, I encouraged him. I'll bring you something to drink. I head to the kitchen and he hops up and unloads the dishwasher. Really? Go sit down (after you finish unloading). LET ME TAKE CARE OF YOU!

He has only been whiny once and that was because we were out of ibuprofen and I forgot to pick some up on my way home from running other errands. I eventually got some the next day and he managed to survive until then.

I'm not sure why he's not being a big baby. Maybe my husband has evolved. From what I read on other women's blogs and on Twitter it sounds like my husband is superior in many ways.

And you know why?

Because he's a fucking robot, duh.

No, not really. He's just amazing and he works so hard for his family that I wonder if he knows how to shut off and just BE. At least while he's sick he can rest. That is, if he'll let himself do it.

*Obviously this is incorrect.

Head trauma

2011-01-20T22:51:00.000-06:00

I dyed my hair.

This post is masturbation.

I'll go back to not posting til Monday. I just wanted to share.

A break. But not really.

2011-01-17T01:36:00.000-06:00

I know that none of you will be heart broken by the following:

I am going to take a break from this blog for a week. I have other projects that need my attention and I stress over trying to write good content and it's exhausting. I want to be funny and poetic and fucking brilliant and rather than try and fail I'm just not going to do it at all.

But just for a week.

I will still be posting my daily photo and frequently updating my 5k training/weight loss blog. I will also be working with Melissa over at her masterpiece You Won't Go Blind where I am an editor as well as a contributor (and I will contribute this week!). I also need to focus on finding a job which includes perfecting my resume and applying for positions. Looking for a job is a full time job in itself.

In addition to the writing I'll be doing elsewhere I will also be tackling some work that needs to be done around the house.

See you next week. Love you.

Imma run my ass off.

2011-01-14T00:27:00.000-06:00

Hey, guess what?!?!!

I started another blog!

I'm out of control.

This time it's called Fuck yeah, 5k! and will be the home of my weight loss journey and 5k training. That's right, assholes, I'm going to run my very first 5k race in March. Normally I wouldn't sign up for something like this but unless I have a reason to do something I won't do it. Exercising for health should be enough reason but it's not, at least not right now.

So check it out and if you're on Tumblr feel free to follow me!

I'm a saucy broad

2011-01-11T05:00:00.001-06:00

This post brought to you by TABASCO® Original Red. All opinions are 100% mine.

My husband is from Oklahoma where they basically dip their tortilla chips in something that resembles ketchup or some kind of bizarre pickled tomato relish shit that his grandma used to make. Who knows. It's appallingly bad. I grew up in the city (sort of) where Tex Mex was invented. Yeah. That's right. You're welcome.

Actually I had nothing to do with it but whatever. I know my Tex Mex. I know spicy and I LOVE it.

While other people turn away at the sight of a juicy pepper on the side of their plates I reach for mine. Using peppers is like an art form. The flavor and the heat enhances whatever you put it on. Oh yeah. It's GOOD.

The first time Jacob and I had pizza at some mom 'n pop in Norman, OK I noticed that they had TABASCO® Original Red on the table. As I reached for the inconspicuous little bottle Jacob looked at me, eyes widened, in almost a look of fear.

"What are you going to do?" I smiled at him while silently judging him for being such a fucking square.

I shook the contents of the bottle onto my pizza and took a bite; Jacob looked horrified but I didn't care because I was now eating Pizza Perfected. I offered him a bite of the deluxe veggie with Tabasco and he politely declined. Actually, he balked at my offer and made some excuse about how he gets blisters in his mouth from eating foods that are too spicy. I call bullshit.

Since the holidays are FINALLY over the next big food-related event is the Super Bowl so check out these Game-Day Party Menu ideas on how to add some heat and flavor to your snacks (and of course, pizza).

Damn. Now my mouth is watering.

The fumes are a bonus.

2011-01-11T00:39:00.000-06:00

Over the weekend I got the itch.

Not THAT kind of itch! The crafting itch! Every now and then I get the urge to paint, glue, build, revamp, and generally fuck up shit around the house in an effort to jazz up our living space. Residing in our living room is the rocking chair that my dad assembled and stained when my mom was pregnant with me. Not only is it old (okay, not THAT old) but it has sentimental value. I love that the rocker has been passed down to my family and someday I'll give it to my daughter when she has a baby.

Anyway, my living room furniture is brown. All of it. The monotony drives me crazy and makes me do things like spray paint my garage blue. Yeah.

The original. Nothing beats that, right?

I got to use a power tool, y'all. Oh yeah. I'm a bad ass.

Primer. Nothing funny about that.

The final product. Not too shabby.

I want to get a cushion for it in a "fun" pattern but I may end up making one since I'm so picky. It looks awesome and I love it. I am, however, nervous about what my dad will think about it since he built and painted it almost thirty years ago.

So? What do you think?

Everybody poops.

2011-01-09T01:00:00.000-06:00

When one lives in north Texas (or anywhere, really) it is impossible to predict the weather. Today may be a fabulously sunny and brisk winter day but tomorrow? Who the fuck knows! It's weather Russian roulette and everyone loses.

Since this winter has been unusually warm I have been trying to spend as much time outdoors as possible. I know that the dreary grayness of REAL winter is coming and I don't want to take the sunshine for granted.

We live in a subdivision that has many playgrounds and lucky for us the nicest and least spider-infested one is at the end of our block. I get on our coats and we walk past less than ten homes before we're at the park. It's nice. I feel lucky. Never in my dreams did I imagine that this is what I'd want when I grew up. The American Dream wasn't in the cards for me. I was going to be alone forever hopping from city to city, never curing my wanderlust and making sure that my mother was always right about one thing- I can't finish anything I start.

So I'm walking, holding my tiny daughter's blue nailpolished hand as I keep her from running into the street and she sees the playground. Forget keeping her next to me. She takes off for the stairs, climbs, goes down the slide, back to the stairs, and repeat. She's laughing and making sure that I am watching her. Another mom and toddler pair walk up and her kid, a little boy not much older than Avery, finds Avery and then run around each other for awhile. She picks up mulch and throws it into the air like confetti. He mimics her. I smile at his mother apologetically, sorry that my kid is a bad influence.

I start to get bored so I pull out my phone and send a few tweets and text messages. Just as I'm sending a text to my husband my kid walks up to me, shows me her hands, and says "Mommy, mess?" She had been playing with what looked like a clod of dirt and was showing it to the boy so now her hands were muddy.

Wait a fucking minute.

That isn't mud. I smell her hand. It's shit. I panic.

I check her diaper. Clean. Where the hell did she find poop? The mother of the little boy checks his diaper. Nope. Clean. She walks over to where the kids were playing to investigate and finds a huge pile of dog shit buried under a layer of mulch.

She hands me a baby wipe so that I could clean Avery's hands and we both decide to head to our respective homes. As we walked away I told her that I would email our HOA to complain about the dog shit and how fucking ridiculous it is and OMG PICK UP AFTER YOUR GODDAMN DOG.

The more I thought about it the more angry I got. What if Avery had eaten the poop? What if the dog had worms or some other funky diseases in its poop and she ingests it?

More importantly, WHAT IF SHE HAD EATEN THE POOP AND KISSED ME ON THE MOUTH?

Take a trip up the river!

2011-01-09T00:00:00.001-06:00

This post brought to you by Hiltons of Branson. All opinions are 100% mine.

Jacob and I have been bouncing ideas back and forth about vacations. Should we take one? When? Can we afford it? The past year has been stressful and I know that throwing saving up for a trip into the mix will cause him even more stress so I told him that I would do some research and crunch some numbers. The goal is to find a fun and cheap vacation.

One idea we briefly discussed was Branson, MO. It's within driving distance and has tons of activities and shows. While it's family friendly and we'd be going sans child I figured that it was worth a look anyway.

The hotels I found the most reasonable with the nicest rooms were the Hilton Branson Convention Center Hotel and the Hilton Promenade at Branson Landing. Their rooms look modern like a boutique hotel's accommodations which isn't something I originally expected from a hotel in a city that mostly caters to the elderly. It looks like Branson is making the attempt to appeal to a younger, hipper crowd. Like Jacob and me.

The Hilton Promenade has a swanky lounge called Clear that would be great for drinks after a long day of walking. I love to unwind with a cocktail (or six, whatever) and if Jacob and I get hammered we can just go upstairs! No cab needed! Genius!

There are so many shows and points of interest in Branson: The Beatles cover band, art galleries, and real life family bands (which, let's face it, are a little creepy but I bet they have sing-a-longs!).

After perusing a few websites I found a couple of rad activities that Jacob and I would both dig. The riverboat cruises look like a lot of fun. If we went on 4th of July weekend they offer a nighttime cruise with dinner and I bet seeing fireworks over the river while on a boat? AWESOME.

While I wouldn't have thought that Branson would be a good fit for us it might be a vacation destination worth looking into!

New socks.

2011-01-05T01:12:00.000-06:00

If you love me you'll do the following:

2011-01-04T04:00:00.001-06:00

The 2011 Bloggies are coming up and I'd like you to nominate me for a humorous blog award. Can you do that? CAN YOU?

Please and thank you! I never win shit but it might be nice for once.

How can the fairy collective surprise the sin?

A day in the life

2011-01-03T18:20:00.000-06:00

Like many of my fellow bloggers and tweeters I have decided to participate in the 365 photo project.

What the fuck is that? Thanks for asking. Now shut your whore mouth so I can tell you.

All you have to do is post one photo per day to wherever you want to keep your photos. There are iPhone apps you can use or you can post it to your blog. I did what many others chose to do which is create a Tumblog for it.

Check it out and follow me!

This is why wives kill their husbands.

2011-01-03T02:07:00.000-06:00

Today was my last day of work at Cold Gravy and I am relieved. While it may seem selfish that I'm glad that I'm back to being unemployed I know that for now my place is at home. During my two months of employment my house has gone to shit and my marriage is looking kind of haggard. Moms everywhere work full time jobs and maintain households but after spending over a year and a half as a stay-at-home mom I needed to slowly ease my way back into the real world.

It was fucking hard, y'all.

Most of my hours worked were on weekends and by Sunday night I was beat. I didn't want to do anything but obviously that is NEVER an option when you're a parent and your husband isn't too good at taking the initiative in regards to house work.

Tonight after work the three of us went grocery shopping and when we came back home Jacob sort of entertained Avery so that I could prepare dinner and put away the groceries. I also managed to do the dishes and organize one of my cabinets. The clutter in my house is astronomical, or at least this is how it seems to me. My husband tries to assure me that our house doesn't look like we're on an episode of Hoarders but I'm not convinced.

All I want is to have a clean and organized house but I think that unless I'm living alone it will ever be exactly how I want it. I'm so goddamn nit-picky about where things should go and how things should be folded or put away. Everything has a place! I feel like I need to get out my label maker (please, like you don't have one?) and even label the simplest things. It's frustrating to open the flatware drawer and reach for a big spoon and end up grabbing a little one. Really? There are compartments for each! kind! of! utensil! At least our two different sets of flatware make it into their respective drawers. If I ever saw a fork from set A in the drawer where set B resides I would probably stab someone in the eye with said fork.

ANYWAY, I am grateful to have my time back even if I don't make any money folding my own laundry or sweeping up my own floors. Now I just need to crack down and get this place looking spiffy and clean before I have to toss an eating utensil and perhaps a body into Lake Lewisville.

I resolve to rock your face off.

2011-01-01T20:22:00.000-06:00

Just like last year I'm prepared to write out my new year's resolutions and then not follow through. According to my mother I never finish what I start and this is most plainly illustrated by the fact that I'm an overweight college dropout. Not everyone's star can shine, mom!

I'm hesitant to share them because even though no one but me is holding myself accountable I still feel obligated to do my best and not let you down as if you even care.

Clearly I'm stalling.

I'll bust this out in list form because lists are fun and let's face it- EASY.

1. Get organized: I want to clean my house and keep it clean (for the most part). Everything will have its own place and I will have not a single junk drawer in my kitchen. My closet floor will not be littered with clean clothes that I end up stepping on thus making them dirty which brings me to...

2. Keep up with the laundry. I mean it this time.

3. Read more. I don't want to say that I'll read a new book every week but I think that I should make the attempt to set aside time every day to read books. Not blogs, books.

4. Write more. Like, a lot more. I would like to participate in projects with other bloggers and spread my name and talent far across the blogosphere. It would be nice to find some paying writing gigs too. In fact,

5. Get a writing job that doesn't pay pennies per page view. While I like the flexibility of freelance writing (ya know, when I actually get an offer) it would be amazing if I could land a gig that would give me a consistent paycheck.

6. Spend more time outside and around the house: Rather than walking around the mall and taking Avery to the play area at the mall I want to try to take her to the park on our block and play in the backyard. We don't live near anything so staying closer to home would keep gas costs down and hey, sunlight FTW!

7. Grow a kickass garden. Last year was alright for our first attempt but I think that we can rock it this year. I want fresh organic produce in my own backyard. Maybe this year my squash won't look as weird.

8. Eat more whole foods: I'm no longer vegan (still vegetarian) but I need to to cut way back on the breads and dairy.

9. Learn to bake. I want to master at least one recipe. I want to be the mom who bakes her children's birthday cakes and I'd like to give homemade goodies as gifts but I'm too embarrassed by my shitty abilities to do it.

Might as well have a nice even number:

10. Lose weight. There. I said it.

Fuck yeah, twenty-eleven!

2011-01-01T01:00:00.003-06:00

I want my MTV! And HGTV! And A&E! And E!

2010-12-29T21:01:00.001-06:00

This post brought to you by Charter. All opinions are 100% mine.

My family loves watching TV. We even upgraded to a 55" flat screen to enjoy our shows on a bigger scale. I will admit that my kiddo watches more television than she should but Mickey Mouse is the best babysitter ever! His adventures with Toodles and the clubhouse gang allow me to do the dishes and shower every day!

We usually watch TV in the morning while eating breakfast and during that time the TV is turned to whatever we DVR'd from the day before: Nick Jr. and the Disney Channel dominate my child's attention. I don't know how Spongebob came into our lives but I'm going to kill the person who introduced that little yellow fucker to my daughter.

What I wish I could do is tell my cable provider what I'd like to see so that I don't feel like I'm being gouged when I look at my bill. The people at Charter Communications know that moms want a say in what their families watch and want YOU to join their Charter Moms Panel on Facebook. By joining this panel you'll be the first to know about Charter's new services and programming and you can tell the company what you'd like to see. Charter is a big company with 5.5 customers but it sounds like they aren't a faceless corporation who don't give a damn about what you want as long as you pay your bill.

Isn't that refreshing? Now shut up, Hoarders is on.

A room fit for a child who is going to leave me someday

2010-12-28T23:41:00.000-06:00

My daughter is now twenty-one months old. Do you know what that means?

If you do can you tell me? I'm kind of freaking out about it. It seems like every day she sheds what is left of her babyhood and becomes a real person.

A KID. I have a kid. Not a baby. A kid.

A part of growing up means sleeping in a real bed and after discussing it Jacob and I agreed that it was time for Avery to take that next step. We packed up her crib (which is actually just a pack 'n play; we're ghetto like that) and rearranged the furniture in her room to accommodate her new toys. I want her to enjoy her new big girl room and I think it looks kind of rad.

Want some photos? YEAH YA DO.

Before:

After:

I know that tree decal looks weird but it used to be behind the bed and NOT floating in the middle of the wall. I need to figure out a way to make it not look odd.

Oh look! It's the big girl herself! Trying to escape out of the window and leave me.

Aftermath

2010-12-27T02:26:00.000-06:00

There are puzzle pieces and baby doll accessories and play food all over my living room floor.

Santa brought Avery toys. Why didn't Santa bring me a maid?

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-23T20:31:00.001-06:00