Mommy with a Mission

Rediscovery

2011-09-16T06:36:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's been almost a year since I've blogged last... A lot can happen in a year! I'm not dwelling there though. I woke up today with a sense of urgency to write down what I've been rediscovering lately...so here I go...

I've been an official homeschooler for about 2 years now. I don't fall into a category (sorry for those who like to label everything). I mix unit studies with unschooling with Charlotte Mason with child-directed learning with classical education with school at home... you know, whatever seems right that week, day, hour. Since I was 12 years old I've wanted to homeschool my children. I was home schooled briefly in 7th grade. I liked it, but was lonely. I appreciated being at home, learning different things (like quilting with my mom!), and the flexibility. But I desired being a silly social junior higher like everyone else. The biggest reason I decided I wanted to homeschool is when I saw a few examples of families that did. I noticed they were different. Sometimes weird, yes, but they didn't care. I saw they respected each other, cared about their little brothers and sisters differently, spoke more "grown up", seemed less worried about their peers' opinions. The families liked each other. As a 12 year old, I noticed that, I wanted that for myself someday. I planned on having 10 kids, living on a farm, homeschooling...being old fashioned...

Well, most of that isn't really happening. But the homeschooling part...it's becoming a reality.

I'm thankful my husband feels strongly about homeschooling too. Maybe for slightly different reasons, but we agree on the basics. Here's why we homeschool (I think this will be in the correct order...)

1. As followers of Jesus Christ, and believers in the absolute truth of the Bible, we are called to "train up our children in the way they should go". We hold to the scripture that tells us to Teach them (the laws/rules of our faith) to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. I know this is possible to do if your child is is tradition school, but for us, we didn't see it being a possibility. If our child was gone for 8+ hours at school, then maybe sports, or music, or social activities... when would those lessons come in? When would we be sitting at home, or walking along the road with our children? We'd be too busy! Now, I know a lot of wonderful families that accomplish this...but our personalities and lifestyle...I think I'd fail at this. I believe my biggest calling in life, in my faith, is to disciple (train in spirituality) my children. And I believe the best way to do that is to keep them at home.

2. Flexibility. We like to be spontaneous. We like to go to museums instead of doing workbooks. We want to go on vacations, mission trips, anywhere, as a family. We want to say "yes, we'll do that" to great opportunities, instead of "oh shoot, we can't take them out of school". We want a full, exciting life that is spirit led, not schedule led.

3. Educational opportunities. If one of our kids is a science, art, math, whatever genius... We love the idea of them pursuing that as much as they possibly can...now, before they're grown up and have "more time". We don't want our child held back in a subject just because the classroom isn't there yet, or our child pushed in an area he struggles with. We want them to develop at their own pace.

These are the main ones... There's probably a million little "ooh I love that" about homeschooling. We aren't keeping them home to shelter them or to keep them from scary public school or from the dangerous peer pressure. We are giving them rich opportunities to learn and grow.

So back to my original topic: rediscovery.

In the midst of homeschooling, and having 2 little ones...I've started gaining an excitement for learning. I'm fascinated by animals all of the sudden. How did God think of all these strange creatures? And why? The life of a butterfly is amazing to me once again (since I'm sure when I was 5 it was...but then after a while it's like "oh yeah, they transform...no big deal"). I think spiders are crazy and incredibly intricate. How animals just "know" what to do without being taught is fascinating to me. Oh, and how exciting is the water cycle? How God provides us with a whole system is so cool. Adding and subtracting is fun too...how things make sense and it's fun to do calculations when playing with dice or games! It's really amazing that King David was a Shepard (Solomon's favorite bible story right now), how was he so brave to fight a giant? There's a whole world that I thought I knew about...but really.... I'm just discovering how amazing it really is.

What will I discover today?

My Jonah

2010-12-19T18:53:00.000-08:00

So my oldest son turned 5. Words cannot express how I love that child. I'll try...

I love his laugh, the way he finds joy in silly things. I love how he hugs and kisses me all the time, not feeling any shame or embarrassment yet. I love the way he pushes up his hair off his forehead, even though it doesn't really help to do so. I love the way he loves to wear big baggy tshirts and "cozy" pants every day. I love the way he talks, his voice and the words he can't really say yet. I love how serious he is, how he loves to follow the rules. I love how responsible he is, how he could probably run the household by himself. I love how smart he is. I love that he loves Scooby Doo, and scary guys. I love that he preaches to his brother about Jesus, and warns him about how scary Hall (hell) is. I love how tender he is, how when I cry, he cries and comforts me. I love how he has taken Emily under his wing and loved her like a sister. I love how he teaches others, how patient and kind he is. I love how he is interested in math, counting and adding and figuring stuff out. I love that he loves his family so incredibly much, how his cousins are his best friends. I love his sweet hands that reach out to hold mine. I love his half outie belly button. I love his skinny little boy legs and knobby knees. I love his beautiful eyes that reflect so much emotion. I love his big feet. I love how he's oblivious to his surroundings, how he has a very focused mind. I love his dancing. I love how he calls me Momma. I love how persistent he is when trying something new. I love how he looks like his daddy. I love how he gets so excited to see his grams. I love how he asks "momma, can I whisper something in your ear?". I love his embarrassed face. I love him.

Being a mother has changed me. I am not perfect, not anywhere close. But it has made me better. The biggest thing I've noticed is that I feel more. In general, I just feel more. I believe that when you become a mother, emotions are so close to the surface, they just overflow more often. All of the sudden you love someone so much, differently than anything else, that your heart is vulnerable...it's ready to feel. I like this, but I don't. I don't like being emotional, but sometimes it is nice to feel more. More happiness, joy, excitement...

I've also experienced Jesus differently. You hear all the time how He loves us as children... I didn't understand this until I had a child. All of the sudden I felt the parental love, the crazy, passionate, I'd die for you love. And I got it. Jesus feels like this for me?! Wow. How much more do I want to thank Him, worship Him, honor Him? I want to please Him, I want Him to be proud of me. I thank Him for a child, for revealing His love to me. Now I understand... When my child messes up, I don't love him less. I forgive him and it's ok. How much more does God do that for us? I'm in a human capacity, but God does all this in a God capacity! This is exciting... I can feel forgiven, redeemed, restored. I love knowing that He is my Father, that He'll always love me and cherish me as I love my child. It's a safe, warm feeling...

Jonah will always be special to me...my first born. He tells me "Momma, I love you most. I love you more than you love me.". No way, buddy. I tell him that's impossible. He'll never understand the love a mother has for her child... But for now, I'll cherish those sweet words from my boy. I'll treasure them in my heart and always remember those little boy kisses, the little hand in mine, and how he needs me.

I'm a heartbreaker

2010-12-06T19:26:00.000-08:00

So I broke Jonah's heart tonight. At least, that's what he told me. It seems to be a new trend in our house. If I yell, or some one's in trouble--they say, "mom you broke my heart". And it kills me! Usually it's said in a sad, sad voice, near tears, or in the midst of tears. My mommy heart melts. Jonah and I had it out tonight though... I told him he can't say that when he's mearly upset with me. That's a serious accusation, right?! So he finally came out of bed, after sobbing for a while...and said "I can't go to bed without being forgiven". Wow. Now this, this was a proud mother moment. My son, who's almost 5, has already developed a strong sense of forgiveness, the need for it, the desire for it, the importance of reconciliation. Wow. I was amazed at this. How many times have I gone to bed, needing to be forgiven, not caring, not even thinking about it. How many times have my relationships suffered because of my indifference? My child amazes me. With his swollen eyes, wet cheeks and whimpering voice, our relationship was restored.

Oh Lord, please let me be sensitive to forgiveness, and the need for it...from You and those I care about most. Thank you for my son who teaches me so much about Your love for me.

I am thankful!

2010-11-24T19:07:00.001-08:00

I am thankful for a lot this Thanksgiving... here are a few of the things...

-I'm thankful for my Lord, who has saved me from death and misery.

-I'm thankful for my husband, who has been faithful, supportive, loving, patient and the man of my dreams.

-I'm thankful for Jonah, my smart, sensitive, funny and serious almost 5 year old.

-I'm thankful for Solomon, my tender, silly, loving and wild 2.5 year old.

-I'm thankful for my church.

-I'm thankful for our community group, who has been such a great group of people to get to know.

-I'm thankful for my mom, always there for me, always helping and caring for me.

-I'm thankful for my sister, such a great friend and source of wisdom.

-I'm thankful for my job, that I can work at home, have fun, and do my own adult thing.

-I'm thankful for our house.

-I'm thankful for our running cars.

-I'm thankful for my husband's job.

-I'm thankful to live in America.

-I'm thankful to live in a safe, nice community.

-I'm thankful for a healthy family.

-I'm thankful for our co-op

-I'm thankful for the right to homeschool

-I'm thankful to live close to family.

-I'm thankful for wonderful in-laws.

-I'm thankful for warm clothes, blankets, beds.

-I'm thankful for Safe Families.

-I'm thankful for spiritual growth.

-I'm thankful for fun things in life, cookies, movies, and cell phones.

-I'm thankful for blogging, facebook, texting, technology.

I'm sure there's a lot more that I'm failing to mention...

but most of all I'm thankful that Jesus came to earth, died for me, and is now alive and reigning in my heart and the lives of my family. Thank you Lord for being in charge.

Death

2010-11-21T20:09:00.001-08:00

Death is a strange thing. I just got a phone call from my mom telling me my grandpa died. It was sudden, unexpected, tragic. When isn't death though? I'm shocked. I'm crying. Mostly I'm hurting inside for my grandma. She depended on him for everything...driving, cooking, day to day stuff...everything. She's alone. I can't imagine the pain she must be feeling. I ache for her, knowing her life just stopped, her energy gone, darkness took over.

I feel conflicted though. Thanking the Lord my grandpa knew Jesus, is free, isn't lost forever. But in such a sorrowful time, is joy allowed? Is it appropriate to be sad, knowing it's better he's with the King? Is it okay to go on with life...knowing a loved soul is gone? Is it bad to act normal, happy even? Am I insensitive to be bored with crying already? Why is death so difficult? I understand if you don't have the hope of Heaven...the hope of knowing you'll be with your Savior after you die... how scary, how sad, how miserable. But I do have this hope, I have a personal Savior that I know I will be with after this life is over... so why is death sad, scary still? I suppose as human beings we can understand something, but not really understand, not really grasp, not really know it in our depths. It's hard to let that go, to not understand and be okay with it. I can't really. I have decided, though, that I will not doubt or question my Lord, my faith, ever again. I've been down that road, and it's not somewhere I'm willing to go again. Yes, there are things that I don't understand, will never understand... but I choose to say "You know, Lord... I trust you Lord. That's enough for me Lord"

I'm scared for when my time to lose someone even closer comes... I loved my grandpa...a lot. He was a good man. A faithful man. He took care of my grandma. He gave the best hugs...I can still smell his aftershave. I can hear his deep voice. But what happens when someone else dies, someone even closer to my heart? I can't imagine it...don't want to. I dread the day. But why is death so hard? Oh Lord, fill my heart with peace and a supernatural trust in You.

My Current Top 10

2010-11-16T21:11:00.000-08:00

Right now I'm enjoying...

(in no particular order)

1. I am excited for the holiday season!

2. Homeschooling is a blast... I love learning about my children through homeschooling, spending such different, quality time with them. It's like forced special 1 on 1 time that might not happen if we did traditional school.

3. I love fall clothes.

4. Having a foster child, and the prospect of doing it again and again! What a blessing to open our home to someone in need.

5. Solomon is at the cutest age right now. He is so charming and adorable... I can't get enough of him.

6. Jonah is becoming a wonderful young man. So smart, discerning and sensitive. I am so proud of who he is.

7. Seeing my husband with our foster daughter...can't wait to have one of our own!

8. Finally have a computer at home! So I can do cool things like blog and look up recipes.

9. My house is really shaping up. New floors, more organization, feels good.

10. My husband's job is going to get better! (hopefully details to follow soon)

Right now I'm struggling with...

1. My home, not enough space...especially now that it's getting colder and darker outside.

2. Not ever having enough time for things...

3. My weight, body issues. ugh

4. Having a foster child.

5. Feeling guilt over not doing things I should be/want to be doing.

6. Worrying about money, especially this time of year.

7. Not spending enough time in prayer, with the Lord. A big rut.

8. Controlling my temper.

9. Watching too much TV, and letting my kids do it too.

10. Being content, trusting in God, letting go.

So I noticed a lot of my "good" and "bad" items are the same... I think I'll try and focus on the good aspect of those issues.

Burgers and date night

2010-11-15T19:14:00.000-08:00

Chris and I decided we needed a date night. Saturday night was the night. I looked around for a fun outing, something different...something he'd like to do. So I came across comedy clubs, and found a show in Schaumburg, not too far from us. Yay! We were excited. So for dinner plans we couldn't decide. Chris loves "Five Guys", delish burgers and fries. But there's also "Meatheads", another fab burger place... sooo we decided to do both. One burger at each, one order of fries...and we'd determine the winner! Here our the results:

Best ambiance: Meatheads

Best bun: Hannah-Meatheads, Chris-Five Guys

Best burger: Five Guys

Best topping choices: Five Guys (anything you want basically)

Best fries: Meatheads (we got the cajun fries at both places)

Best service: Meatheads

So basically it was a pretty close call. I think overall I like Meatheads better, and Chris may say Five Guys...but we'd go either place anytime! I told Chris it's a good thing we don't live too close to these places, or he'd be 500 pounds. Well, I probably would be too...

Date night is always fun...especially when you have little kids. The comedy club was great, so good to just laugh. I always love time with my husband, he's my favorite person in the world. I don't get people that don't want to be with their husbands, because if it were up to me, we'd be together at all times. He laughs when I tell him these things, but I'm serious! Maybe it's my intense neediness, or something defective... but I'm highly attached to him. I like it that way.

Another effort

2010-11-11T18:56:00.000-08:00

Here I am again...trying to start this "blogging" thing. It's been a while. Every time I read someone else's blog, I am inspired to write my own. I love writing, I always have. I love the idea of putting my thoughts and feelings into words, sentances, paragraphs. Although I don't have any fantastic ideas or topics to explore, I feel drawn to write.

Today was a "bad mommy" day. I was tired, impatient, harsh, not fun. I hate these days. I wish I could be a perfect mom everyday. I wish I had a day that people would see me and say "woah, she is a great mom, I wish I could be like her!". Instead, I had a day where I would be afraid what people would say if they saw my mothering skills. Not like I'm beating my children or anything...don't call the police. It's just that I feel a higher calling to motherhood. I feel such a huge responsability to nurture, develop, disciple. The days where I'm just surviving, I fail. I know, I know...I"m being hard on myself. That's what I'd tell a friend. I have high expectations for everyone, everything...especially myself. This is the point where I remind myself that I AM a failure, I am not good; BUT that the LORD that HE is powerful, HE is good, HE is strong, loving, patient, and wise.

If I only remembered to trust in Him every minute instead of trying to "do my best"... If I remembered to pray instead of complain, or worship instead of whine. I think my day would have been a lot better.

Timing

2009-08-30T05:54:00.000-07:00

My heart and mind have been consumed with adoption details... Just wondering and waiting, dreaming and pondering, fantasizing and speculating. When? Why? Who? It's overwhelming, and sometimes I feel like "is it worth it?" "maybe we should just have another child biologically, it sure seems easier"... but then I hear that still small voice reminding me of His commands to love orphans, to sacrifice ourselves for others, to give. I know it's His calling for our lives, and that is assurance enough for me. I'm frustrated that things aren't going faster, I wish we had been more diligent financially so we had more saved... but that's not how things are right now. I shared this with a friend who had adopted, and she told me something that I think will help me immensely through this process. She said that while they were waiting to receive their referral for their child, and then when then they were waiting to bring her home, she was reminded of God's perfect timing. She thought "we will be at the top of the waiting list when our child is ready for us", no sooner, no later. I loved that thought... yes, we can speed things up if we push papers faster, raise money faster... or we can slow things down if we're lazy and don't submit forms or do this or that... BUT our baby, the baby God has designed for our family, will not be ready until we are. God's timing is absolutely perfect... I pray that I embrace this truth in my heart, and act it out in my thought life. Will you pray that for us? That we don't get caught up in the "doing", that we meditate on the truth of God's sovereignty and plan for our adoption? I get all choked up just thinking about our baby...our baby who's not even born yet! But somewhere, far far away-that baby's parents are living and probably struggling. I've been praying for them in the meantime...

These are my thoughts this morning, as life seems "on hold", but moving fast at the same time. Thank you for sharing these emotions with me...

updated pictures

2009-08-20T19:51:00.001-07:00

I saw the last picture of Jonah on my blog and said wow! He's grown up a lot, and so has Solomon... so I thought you needed to see how gorgeous they are now. :)

Starting our Adoption Journey

2009-08-19T06:20:00.000-07:00

Wow... it's been almost a year since I've blogged. BUT, I have a new mission to blog about. We have officially started our adoption journey!!! Let me catch you up on what our story is...

Chris and I have always talked about adopting someday, even before we were dating we had the conversation. It's been a desire of mine for as long as I can remember... I'm not sure why it's so ingrained in my heart-but it really is. A calling, some would say. When the "kids" conversation came up in our relationship, we decided we would definitely be adopting. After Jonah was born, we wanted to adopt our next child. We went to an Adoption Resource Center (ARC) conference at our church to learn more. We were so encouraged and inspired by the information we learned. We had originally thought we'd adopt through foster care, since it's so inexpensive. We wanted to adopt an African American baby, or mixed baby, whoever needed us the most. At the conference we heard statistics about orphans here, and around the world. We were so moved by the enormous numbers of orphans in Africa...and truly felt the Holy Spirit convicting us of the fear of the cost of international adoption. We looked at each other after that seminar and said, "we have to go to Africa". We then went to the "affording adoption" seminar, and were even more encouraged. We heard many stories of how God had provided for the costs, and how faithful He was throughout the process. We really believe God has called us to do this, and that He will finish this good work through us. After looking into African adoption, we decided Ethiopia was the country, simply because it seems to be the "simplest" country to adopt from in Africa. We also found out you have to be 25 years old, which I wasn't. So we decided to wait a few years, hopefully have another child before then... and Solomon joined our family!

We found our agency, Gladney Center in Texas, through friend's referrals. (http://adoptionsbygladney.com) We researched it and loved what we found. It has been around for a while, has a great reputation, and most importantly for us, has their own orphanage and people living in Ethiopia. We have been impressed with them every step of the way.

So far we have completed a few paperwork items, have completed our "phone orientation", but are really just beginning. Paperwork is a big part of this process! Our basic time outline they've given us is:

4-6 months of paperwork

9 months of waiting to be matched with a child

5-7 months until the child comes home

total about 18 months

Hopefully everything goes as planned, and totally smooth! Then we will have a baby in less than two years!

Speaking of baby, yes we are choosing a baby. The age bracket is 4-12 months. We didn't specify a gender, and also are open to adopting twins if they're available. We really would love to adopt two kids, so we figure if we can do it at once, great! Scary, but great.

Cost, yes, cost.... a biggie. As I mentioned, we believe God will provide. For us, that means we don't fear the way we will pay for this. It's about $18,000. We are planning on doing fundraisers, and applying for grants, as well as our own contribution. It's daunting, for sure... but nothing is impossible with God. We are praying like crazy for funds to come in, for miracles to happen, for our lives to change-which they will. God has always been faithful to us, He blesses us all the time, and we can't wait to see what things God will surprise us with in the next 2 years. It's humbling and crazy to think about...

I will keep updating this blog, I want to keep everyone aware of the details, and keep people involved in the process. We are planning some events, and will definitely share those details when we can. Thank you for your interest, and support... we will need all we can get! I ask for your prayers most of all, please lift us up whenever you think of us. For patience and endurance, for unity in our family, for money to come in, for our testimony through this, for our child-to-be's mother and father in Ethiopia... Thank you.

Jonahisms

2008-09-21T19:28:00.001-07:00

So for a while now I've been meaning to keep track of the funny things Jonah says. Of course they aren't nearly as funny without his voice and pronunciations...but oh well. Here's some classics-

(in car while I'm driving)
jonah: "Mom, you're an idiot"
me: "if you say that again you're going to get a spank in the mouth"
jonah: "no I'm not, you're too far away"

"Where does God live?"
"Where does Jesus work?"

"I don't like Solomon, I want him to go back in your tummy"
"Solomon, stop smiling at me!"

(dog is barking incessantly)
jonah: "job you stop barking or else you're going on time out. 1..2...3 okay you're going on time out" (then he pulls him into my bedroom and closes the door.)

gram carol: "jonah if you continue I'm going to have to call your mommy"
jonah: "you call my mommy right now!" (in angry, so what? tone)

"Don't be scared, Jesus is watching over you"

"Mommy and Daddy is the boss, I'm a child"

"I'm so frustrated!" (i hear this one daily)

"no I didn't pee in my pants, I just dribbled" (with soaked shorts)

"gram allison is my best buddy in the whole world"

(just woke up, first words out of his mouth) "I want to wear my tiger suit today"

(after I'm done working he usually says) "how was your work Mom?"
(as my clients leave he sometimes says) "thanks for coming here!"

"Daddy is a man, I'm a big boy"

(at store)
cashier: "hi! what's you're name?"
jonah: "Jonah Adam Squarepants"

"hmmm...how about...." (his answer to any suggestion he doesn't like..fill in the end of statement with his idea)

I'm sure I'll think of more sometime... he is hilarious and precious. I wonder what he'll say tomorrow...

My exciting life

2008-09-17T18:42:00.001-07:00

Okay, so I have to get over the guilt of how long it's been since I've last blogged. Why am I constantly putting pressure on myself to "perform"? Always, for as long as I can remember, I have been striving to be perfect. No one else's standards, just my own unrealistic expectations of myself. I drive myself nuts. So, it's okay Hannah... just because you haven't typed one thing on your blog in, oh, 3 months. Oh well... I'm sure all of my 2 readers will forgive me.

So... I thought I'd list the things I'm excited about. Let's concentrate on the good, positive things in my life.

#1 I am going to be a mentor to 2 junior high age girls in Elgin. They live in a subsidized housing community and have a pretty tough life. I haven't met them yet, but hopefully will next week, and then start getting to know them. I am so excited for this opportunity. I really have never done this, actually nothing like this at all. I have been convicted in the last year or so that I am not doing anything uncomfortable, anything to grow or stretch myself. I think that is a vital part of a growing faith, and it was missing for me. So I did a service project with a place called Riverwoods Christian Center, and got connected with this specific community. I felt drawn to these kids, and I know God is moving my heart to impact someone's life. I'm nervous, I don't feel "worthy" of the task, but that's good. When we are weak, He is strong. Please pray for me as I build these relationships. I will keep you updated!

#2 I am leading a women's Bible study at our church called Entrusted With a Child's Heart. It is a wonderful study, and I know I will learn a lot. I'm also nervous about this one, since I am significantly younger and less experienced than most of the ladies at my table. But I know that God placed me there, so I'm trusting Him that it will be okay!

#3 My boys are adorable. Solomon is really starting to have his own personality. He is so charming and sweet...his eyes twinkle when he sees me! Jonah is so smart and amazing. I am overwhelmed at how blessed I am to have these children. How am I going to parent them well enough? It's so scary. Again, please pray for me to have wisdom and grace.

#4 Chris and I are leading a couples small group again this year. I love our group and meeting together always lifts my spirit. We'd love to add another couple or 2 this year....

#5 My Mary Kay business. I feel like it's beginning for me now, I am getting more and more orders, and I think it's only going to get better. I love the company and products, and I am having a lot of fun with it.

#6 One of my best, oldest, friends and one of my cousins are pregnant! I'm so excited to share in their experiences and to have some new babies to love! They are due really close to one another and it's so exciting.

That's it for now...I know there are probably more things to look forward to this fall, but those are some highlights. I am blessed beyond measure. God has been so faithful and good to us... writing these things out really makes me thankful to Him for all that I have been given.

Our 5 year anniversary

2008-07-16T14:01:00.000-07:00

So Chris and I got away for a few days for our anniversary this year...it was a big one-5 years! We were so excited. We had an opportunity to go to a lake house up near Lake Geneva for free, so we jumped right on that. We haven't been away like this since our honeymoon, so this was very needed. It was a blast... we went up on Saturday, and came home on Monday. I think it could've been one day longer, but oh well. My mom took care of our boys, and I don't think we missed them too badly. They did great without us, so I think it was a good experience for them to be apart from us also. We didn't do much, layed in the sun, watched the boats zoom by (wishing we were on one), ate out, watched movies, and slept in. Who knew I could sleep until 10am?! Apparently it's still in me, even after 3 years of getting up waaaayyy too early. The best part was having no responsibilities. It's something I really didn't think of, but laying there in the sun, not having to do anything was amazing.

Chris and I had some quality time together, which was needed too. We don't get a lot of time just the two of us, especially for 3 days in a row! I felt that old chemistry again, you know, the flirty, silly games and fun...it's so sweet. We still have that-don't get me wrong, but it's different when you have 2 little kids around all the time. You just can't focus your attention on each other completely, or let yourself go. You have to be responsible and the parent. Just being together, in love, was wonderful. I say we do it every year. Chris will always be my favorite person to be with...he is incredible. I just can't believe I'm lucky enough to have him.

My week of adventures

2008-07-09T10:58:00.000-07:00

Oh yes, this week has been something else...and mind you-it's only Wednesday! I have had some interesting/unusual experiences that I thought might be fun to write about.

Experience #1: Cleaning our garage.
Well, this may not seem very interesting to you, but if you saw our garage before, you'd understand. We have a 2 car garage, with a little storage area inside also. Well, before our "clean sweep", you maybe could squeeze one car in, but be careful opening the door to get out. We had tubs of storage items, furniture, toys, left over construction items, and loads of crap (not literally). So I decided it was time to do something about it. Chris and I tackled the job on Sunday...but couldn't finish it in one day. I completed it Tues, and it's beautiful! All our storage is in one place, toys are organized, garbage (all 12 bags+ of it) is out! I had taken some miscellaneous items out to the curb hoping the garbage men would take them, but not sure if they would. Well, a few minutes later a pick-up truck swings by and throws my stuff in the back...awesome. So yes, I am very excited about this project. It was tough and yucky...but it's done (until next year when we'll probably have to do it all over again)

Experience #2: Crashing our brand-new-used car into our garage.
Yep, I did it. All my fault. I was going to back out the Buick so I could work on our 1/2 completed garage-cleaning project, and turned it too soon, and too sharp. The front left side of the car was in those garbage bags I told you about earlier... It was bad. We took the car in today, and it's an estimated $1200+ worth of repairs. That sucks. The garage got it's share of damage too, although we don't know how much yet. The frame is bent, so we can't close our garage at all. This sucks too. I'm just praying no animals decide to move in... Yes, this was Chris' new car, and he wasn't too happy. But at least he didn't yell at me like Jonah did. Jonah kept yelling at me saying "Mom, you hit daddy's new car!!" I was like... I know, Jonah, you don't need to keep rubbing it in.

Experience #3: Attempting to be a dog groomer.
Well, I'm not a dog groomer...nor will I ever be. I thought I'd give it a try with our miniature poodle, Job. I figured, "how hard could it be?" Well, it's hard. I decided I better start tipping our groomer more. I started with the scissors, cutting around his eyes and face. Chris held him still for me. That part was pretty good, and I just figured I would blend in the top of his head with the clippers. Job's hair on his head is typically left longer, it's like a little afro. So I cut the face really short, and the head was really long. Then I cut the ears... this is where it started going badly... How the heck do they do it? I do not know... So I got the clippers out and took a swipe. Uhhhh.... why aren't they going through the hair???! No, they are not cutting anything, just getting stuck and probably hurting my poor dog. So Chris told me I should probably give up...just blend the head in. Well I tried...not so good. I think he looks like a hyena, with a tiny little head and big body. Poor guy, he is usually so cute. Chris said to call the groomer asap... I don't think he likes my work.

I'm hoping the rest of the week is a little more normal, I'm tired.

Our Independance Day

2008-07-08T09:25:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you, but I LOVE the 4th of July. I love being outside with friends and family, I love fireworks and glow sticks, I love wearing red/white/blue (and now especially matching my whole family!), I love eating fun holiday food, I love not feeling guilty about playing the day away, and I love to watch my kids experience those things too. This year was great. We always go over to my sister's house, and this year was no different. There were a lot of kids, and Jonah had a blast. We did some fun "classic" games, like a balloon toss and watermelon seed spitting contest (I came in 2nd in the adult category, I might add). Jonah loved the slip and slide, he was so cute! We ate yummy food, and tried not to get sunburned. Let me tell you about my new fav product called Supergoop...it's organic sunscreen and bugspray. I love it. Anyways... it was a great day. We ended it with a bonfire complete with marshmallows and fireworks. Jonah loves fireworks, he always has. Every time one would end, he would say " I want to do that again!" Solomon slept right through them in Daddy's arms... Jonah did his first sparkler this year. He was a little nervous, but it was fun. One was definitely enough for him. Next year will probably be a different story.

We are very blessed to have such wonderful memories. We have great families, although not without problems, we love them and are thankful for them. I am so thankful to live in this country. To be free is an immeasurable gift. I cannot imagine living somewhere where worshipping Jesus is against the law, or where I have to fear for my life daily. Let us not forget how blessed we are in America.

Summer Lovin'

2008-06-25T14:55:00.000-07:00

I love summer. It is the greatest time of year as far as I'm concerned. The sun, the freedom to go without coats or shoes, windows open, playing outside, green grass, the smell of barbecue, my freckles that appear, it's all great. I have a few fun things planned this summer that I'm really excited about. My husband and I have our 5th wedding anniversary! We are going to a lake house for a few days--ALONE! This is amazing...our first trip alone in 2 1/2 years. It'll be wonderful. I'm sure we'll miss our boys like crazy, but it's important to reserve that time for just us and our relationship. I'm also going to catch up with some good friends this summer, ones that I haven't seen in a long time. That should be good. Chris is going to Brazil, which I am thrilled for him about. But I'm also dreading it because that means I'm alone for a week...man that's going to be rough! It's okay, I'll keep really busy. I am going up to Fort Wilderness, a wonderful camp in northern WI, for a week. I grew up going there every year, and Chris and I met there 6 years ago. I'll be taking the boys, and my mom--we will be working and having a blast. If you like to camp, you should check out their website, it's www.fortwilderness.com.

So yes, my summer is filled with fun and good memory makers. I plan on going to the splashpark with the boys, the zoo, multiple parks, you name it. So far it's the best summer ever... I'll let you know how it finishes.

Silence

2008-06-22T19:51:00.000-07:00

My house is completely silent right now, minus the sound of my fingers on the keyboard. Do you like silence? Sometimes I do. For me, it's easiest to think, to get work done, to study, etc, in silence. Some people insist on having music or background noise to help them think. Not me, it's too distracting. I like to have silence then, but I prefer some noise most of the time. I love the sound of my husband's laughter, I love the sound of my Jonah asking incessant questions, I love the sound of Solomon's squeals, and I love the sound of music. My favorite musical sound is that of worship...I love to hear a church full of people singing to the Lord...it's amazing to me. This morning I had one of those "goosebump" moments at church. I don't even remember the particular song we were singing, but the band was great, the mix was perfect (thank you Mike), and I just stopped singing for a second to hear all the voices blend together... it was beautiful. I picture Jesus in Heaven, closing his eyes, smiling and feeling such love for his children. That's a wonderful noise. I also love the sound of prayer...when a room of people are praying in small circles (as us Christians like to do). The hum of prayers being lifted up to our Savior is precious. It's encouraging to me to listen to that, to know all these people are asking, thanking, petitioning to Him, just like I am. I love those noises.

Then there are noises that I don't like... children screaming (well, all screaming for that matter), my husband snoring, food being chewed, my dog growling in the night, and really loud bass from the ghetto car next to you at a stop light.

Silence is different though... it's lonely to me. Especially at night time, I feel empty in the silence. I don't know why, but I don't like it. I want the TV on just to feel like I'm not alone... but I'm still yearning for something that's not here.

Tonight it is silent, and noise would be welcome...

Friendship

2008-06-17T12:01:00.000-07:00

Good friends are hard to find...would you agree? I'm one of those people who have always had 1 or 2 really close friends and really no one else. I like being in groups, and being social, but it's impossible (in my opinion) to really be close to more than a couple of people. When I got married, Chris was it for me. I didn't need, or want, anyone else. This isn't so healthy I've realized. This puts so much pressure and many expectations on him, which isn't fair. But I really didn't have any interest in making other friends. It takes so much time to get to that safe, honest place with someone. I am a terrible initiator, but I think I've gotten a lot better over the past couple of years. It's hard to be vulnerable with people--they may hurt you. I've gotten hurt by several close friends (who hasn't...), and I hate putting myself out there again. But I need to. My husband has been such an encourager to me in this area. He always pushes me to reach out and be more friendly and open to people. I guess I tend to just keep to myself a lot, which is more comfortable. It's not good to stay comfortable I've realized. Then you don't grow, and stretch, and you miss out on a lot of wonderful things that are out there.

Just recently I've made some great friends...real friends. I do not like small talk (which is ironic since I am a hairstylist, and that's all I do while I'm working), and I do not like fakeness. I hate it, in fact. So if someone is fake, I really don't have any interest in being friends. I don't know if anyone likes fakeness, but some people can put up with it better than I can. I am just so appreciative for the friends I now have. It takes a lot of pressure off of Chris, and it energizes me so that when I am with my family, it's fresh and exciting. God is so good...He knows what we need, even when we don't. I needed friends all along, I was missing out. I wonder what I'm missing out on now...because I'm sure there's something.

Father's Day

2008-06-15T14:31:00.001-07:00

Well, since it's Father's Day, I thought I'd reflect on what this day means to me. "Father", "Dad", "Daddy"....these aren't words that I've really known too well. I don't have a relationship with my biological father, and have never really had a steady "father figure" in my life either. This is a rough issue, and it's taken me a long time to deal with. Don't get me wrong, I don't have it all figured out, and I know it will always affect me in some way. But I have forgiven those who've wounded me, and I understand things aren't my fault.

When I was young I yearned for a dad...I still do at times. I desperately wanted someone to discipline me as only a dad can, I wanted a dad to hold me when I cried, pull me into his lap and tell me it's going to be okay. I needed a father's approval, affirmation, and love. I desired that fatherly advice, someone to be protective of me, and cherish me as father's do with their daughters. I would see my friend's dads scolding them for wearing too much makeup, and my friends rolling their eyes and being annoyed, while inwardly I was jealous because I wanted that so much. Any type of attention, good or bad, is what I wanted. It didn't come from my father, and there was a massive emptiness there because of that. It hurt, it still does, but I have come to know that I do have a Father, a Heavenly Father...and He will NEVER abandon me or hurt me. I always knew this concept, of God being our Father, but it never made much sense to me. Yes, God loves me, but he's not here physically to hold me or give me that attention I yearn for.

It's been quite recent that I've found this love from God... when I had Jonah (my 2 1/2 year old), I experienced the love one has for their child. It was a miraculous feeling...one that overwhelms you. This feeling has transformed my relationship with Christ. Now I know (in part) how He loves me. He loves me as I love my child...which is incredibly so. To think that God, the creator of the universe, the King of Kings--loves me?! Wow. To know I can call Him Father, and feel that massive hole being filled. Only God can do that...no man on earth can. I expected so much from a dad, and men. But men always disappoint, and God never does. This is a process, and I need to continually be praying for God to meet my needs. Daily, weekly, I struggle with this, but I know if I don't rely on Him, I will always be disappointed. Not a good feeling...

I am so thankful that my children will never feel a void the way I did. They have a great daddy in my husband. I know they will have different stuggles, and different heartaches that I hope will point them towards Christ...but at least I don't have to worry about this one. Us moms have enough to worry about...:)

Solomon Christopher

2008-06-09T18:28:00.000-07:00

Well, the next man in my life is Solomon...aka Solo. He is almost 4 months old and precious. He is a great baby, not fussy except when hungry or tired. He is very smiley, and just started to laugh. His daddy is the best at getting him to sleep... Solo loves to be held at all times. He loves to watch his big brother Jonah, and our dog Job.

Having a second child is crazy... it's a lot harder than I thought it would be. I expected it to be a challenge, but it's one of those things that you don't know how it will be until you're there. The first 2 months were pretty tough for me. Just balancing your time is the biggest thing. Trying to figure out how to still give your first child the attention they need, while nurturing a newborn, is difficult. And if you're nursing (as I am), it's even more so, since the baby is latched onto you most of the time. But it is wonderful. The feeling of being needed and loved by your child is the best feeling in the world. To know that I am the one person they desire more than anyone else (at least for now they are mamma's boys) is beyond explanation. Solomon has been a fantastic addition. We were so excited to have another boy, a brother for Jonah. We hope they have a special relationship someday... I can't wait to see them play and be boys together.

Jonah Adam

2008-06-06T18:31:00.000-07:00

The next boy in my life is Jonah Adam Carpenter. He is 2 1/2 and hysterical. He makes us laugh constantly. He is very smart and independent. Of course, he is the cutest child around... duh. He talks constantly--so this proves to us he is in fact a Carpenter (if you know this family you will know what I mean). He just became potty trained, so he's big now.

He has changed me...from the day he was born I think. Having a child melts you. It softened me, made me more sensitive and compassionate. I have my days where I'm still as "tough" and not so tender, but over all I have become a softer person. Having him seemed to bring the emotions I've had inside just come to the surface more, and are revealed for all to see. It's a good thing, I believe. I am utterly in love with this child...he is incredible.

My husband

2008-06-05T19:12:00.000-07:00

Since this is all new to me, I've decided to write about things I love. I'm not sure if I really have a certain "theme" going, or what... but for now let me tell you about my husband. He is amazing. When we met I thought he was way too cool for me... you know that feeling? He was older, more outgoing and confident, and everyone seemed to like him. One of those magnetic types. So obviously he wasn't too cool for me since we're married now. Or maybe he's just unaware of his coolness. Who knows. But I do have to brag about him, since I still wonder how I got so lucky. He is so talented. He writes music and plays/sings. I swear he could win American Idol...even though he would never, ever go on it because he's too cool (maybe he does know about his coolness). You all should go to his website and listen to some of the stuff he's done for our church's children's ministry. (tangentartist.com) But besides that, he is so kind and patient with me. Let me tell you, I can be a pain. Yes, he gets mad at me--but never yells or insults... it's always controlled. I, on the other hand, am not so loving when I am mad. It's a flaw of mine... When we had our son Jonah, my awe of him quadrupled. The way he loved him and took care of him amazed me. Now, with our second son, Solomon, I am even more amazed. I wish all kids could have a daddy like him. He is so patient and sweet to them, always helping me without complaint. I hear stories of husband's who are "babysitting", and it's this big sacrifice for them or something. Not with mine... he loves taking care of them and sometimes I wish I could do it as well as he does. I think he is the best.

New to blogging

2008-06-04T12:53:00.001-07:00

So I've decided to try out a new hobby. Yep, you guessed it...blogging. It seems like the cool new "thing", or maybe I'm just behind the times. Whatever it is, I have a hard time believing people would actually be interested in my thoughts. Perhaps it's the allure of reading someone's "journal", which is typically not allowed. Perhaps it's that we try to make our lives more exciting by reading other's antics-which are not much more exciting than ours. Or maybe it's just what you people at desks do instead of working. I don't know the reasons, but I do know I would be flattered to be called "interesting".

I've always liked to write. I've never been an avid journaler (is that a word?), but I've tried my hand at fiction many times. It started in 4th or 5th grade when I was in counseling (can you believe I'm not perfect?!) and she suggested I start writing short stories, a series of them perhaps. It was therapeutic I suppose... at least she thought so. I did enjoy it though, and it stirred my imagination. In middle school my poetry phase began. I loved the challenge of being reflective and deep, in just a few short lines. Never rhyming though, I always thought that sounded hokey. I continued to do poetry throughout high school and beyond... I guess it's my favorite form of writing. But who knows? Maybe blogging will surpass even that...