This past year has been a roller coaster.  When I decided to blog, I had a fresh 2 month old baby all snuggled up in a sling, and now, I have a toddler who is on the verge of walking and hearts walks in her new radio flyer wagon she got for her birthday. (She did stand solo in snow a few days ago, so walking is bound to come soon…right?)

Over the past year lots of shit has happened and I had to make the decision to put this blog on the back burner to focus more on my family, and well really me and what I value the most. (You can read all about this decision here.) Turning 30 and becoming a momma, which happened all around the same time, was the focus of this blog, and I left kind of abruptly.  I feel really great about the decision I made as my personal life has gotten so much better.  But really, I couldn’t resist making this blog fully complete with a Day 365 post where I turn 31 today and reflect on this past year.  So here it goes…reflections…learnings…randomness…things on my mind lately…etc.

1.  Being a working momma is tough shit.

I knew it was going to be hard, but I had no idea the stresses it would place on my family unit.  I had to come to grips with realizing that some things just aren’t worth it.  (Though I’m still working on this.)  Like freaking out about the fact that the dishes aren’t done after dinner….that can be put on hold b/c having an hour after dinner to hang out with my family is more important than said freak out. (Sometimes I have moments of serious desires to get my shit organized, which comes with anxieties and such, and that’s where the freaking out of dishes on a daily basis has come from.)

Also, my house, well it’s dusty.  We can’t afford someone to come clean it (though at one point we thought we could) and well I’m just too damn tired and too damn busy to do it.  So I deal with it, though it’s taken me a while to not badger myself about what a bad keeper of the house I am.  As long as I can vacuum once a week I feel good.  (Side note:  Things do get cleaned, just not on a normal rotation.  Like my first week of winter break I cleaned bathrooms, dusted, and vacuumed.  And yes, the hubs thought pigs where flying somewhere.)

As far as the career thing goes, before having a baby, I put 110% into my job.  I would volunteer to do stuff. I would take enormous amounts of work home.  But now, well, that’s another place where things had to give.  Not that I’m not a great teacher anymore, but I just don’t fret over the fact that grading might not get done in a timely manner.  I don’t fret over the fact that I’m not in control of everything.  I do fret, though, sometimes when my job causes me stress, so I’m always going to be on the hunt for a less stressful job situation. Does one even exisit?  (Alternative Education is tough shit.)

I could go on and on about the whole working momma thing, but I think you get the picture.

2.  The only permanent thing in life is change.

Don’t quote me on that.  Seriously.  I heard it from someone else, though I don’t know who, where, or when.  It very could be one of the many philosophers I was forced to read in college.  Or it could be going along with all that Buddhism stuff I read about.  But man oh man, having a kid really brings this one home. (That sounds kind of trite…oh well.)

Take sleeping for example.  My sleeping.  Abby’s sleeping. It all changes all the time and my ability to sleep is usually dependent on Abby’s ability.  We will go through a couple months of some good sleep where even Abby can be put in her crib sans rocking and sans already sleeping, lay down, and be out for 12 hours.  But these past couple weeks she has been throwing fits when being put down, so we’ve had to go back to sleep training for the bazillionth time.  At least I figured out that she understands the command to lay back down. (Thanks daycare for training my kid.)  Because she responds well to this, we are just about back on track with her being able to go to sleep on her own.

What being a momma has taught me is that, though my life is in constant flux, my kid’s life is in constant flux times 10.  I used to get all bent out of shape when she would go and change on me once I got used to new routines and such, but now I know to expect it.  This has helped my stress levels to go down a bit.  I’m not perfect.  I still get stressed, but just not as much over silly mundane things like my kid doing what she is supposed to be doing.  Growing up and stuff.

3.  Someone is always sick in my household.

A big sarcastic thank you again to daycare for this one.  The past two months have sucked so much. It all started with a stomach bug for Abby.  Then RSV for Abby. (That was a fun first birthday present for her.) Then colds for me and the hubs. Then another cold with conjunctivitis for Abby.  Oh and an ear infection to go along with it. A cold for me.  Conjunctivitis and a cold round 2 for Abby.  And of course round 2 for colds for me and the hubs.

I used to get so flustered about this one too, but now I realize at least we’ve been through a lot, still go through a lot, and we are armed to deal with whatever germies make it into our family via daycare.  I mean if I can not flinch every time my kid pukes on me, like big grown up puke (if you are grossed out my this, then you shouldn’t be reading a mommy blog), I can handle just about anything now when it comes to sickness.

I just was never used to this much sickness in my life, but hey, there is a thing called the hygiene hypothesis that our doctor told us about, which supposedly will make Abby’s immune system stronger by the time she gets to kindergarten.  (Hygiene Hypothesis goes something like if your kid is in daycare, around a dog, and lives on a farm, he/she will get sick more often now, but their immune system will be better in the long run.  And well we have two out of the three…we are of course sans farm. )  We shall see if and when Abby’s earns the perfect attendance award in school or not to prove this hypothesis true.

4.  Patience. Patience. Patience.

I wish I could say I had this one figured out, but step one is accepting you have a problem…right?  I do feel I have grown with my ability to have patience…patience for my kid…patience for my marriage…patience for the people I work with…patience for me; however, I still need to work on this one.  I have this thing with control.  It’s all tied to my anxiety.  And when I lose control, my anxiety increases, which in turn causes my patience levels to recede even further.  It’s a vicious cycle really.

The latest thing that is testing my patience is this new medical thingy we are dealing with.  You see, Abby has this bump like thing between her eyebrows.  The hubs and I have noticed it for a while, but we thought it was just how her head was formed.  Well, at Abby’s weight check at 13 months (she didn’t gain much for her 12 month visit RE: #3) the doctor noticed said bump and uttered the words “dermoid cyst” and “Seattle Children’s Hospital.”  The only thing I could do was laugh.  Seriously, I laughed.  After all the sickness of the past couple months we have been dealing with, I could not even fathom we were about to take another journey to Seattle Children’s.

So this past Monday, we drove over an hour in rush hour traffic to meet with some specialists.  Two doctors felt Abby’s bump and said that it did present to be a dermoid cyst.  Our next step is to get a CT scan of her head, in which they have to knock Abby out so she will be still, to determine if the cyst is attached to her skull or not.  If it is attached to the bone, which my reliable google internet research has led me to believe that this is less likely, a neurosurgeon will have to be brought on to the surgery team.  (Dermoid cysts are congenital, and don’t go away on their own.)  And me with my patience, well lack thereof,  I was not psyched that we have to wait till January 24th to get the CT scan done. (Abby’s situation isn’t life threatening, but still, this is enough to give a momma heart attack…the waiting and patience testing that is.)

So, I have an ultimate test of my patience as a new momma right now.  I guess I will get some more practice with this one during my 31st year on this planet.

5.  Trying to find me under all this clutter in my brain.

I have lost myself during the past year, though I think I’m working hard, well as hard as my mental and physical energy will allow, to find my passion.  And what I do know about this is that passion for me comes through writing, which is why I was drawn to this whole blog thing.  I heart writing.  (This is why I write.) So now I’ve checked out some books from the library on finding a literary agent and how to write the best pitch of my ideas to get someone’s attention and ultimately get published.   It’s all pretty exciting, but also so very overwhelming and daunting at the same time, especially because I’ve asked some fellow bloggy mommas to be a part of this.  But I’m committed.  I need to have something for me, as I feel all the me time I used to have went missing. And when I stopped blogging in August, I mourned this small amount of me time I lost.  But now, I have a plan to not lose myself under all this clutter in my brain.  It will take a while to get going, but with the support of family and friends, I know I can keep on keeping on with this cultivation of me.

…..

I could probably go on and on about reflections…learnings…randomness…things on my mind lately…etc.  But I think the above really sums up where I’ve been over the year and where I hope to go, and really what’s on my mind lately.  And I hope for you this post satiated your appetite for a blog musing from metta…ahem Tracy (<—that’s my name after all).  And of course, you can always find 140 character musings, rants, learnings, randomness, things on my mind lately over on twitter.

Post Script:  You’d buy a book by me…right?  I need to start building a platform and well, all my bloggy followers would be a good place to start after all.

Post Post Script:  Here’s a couple pictures of me and my Abby…almost a year apart from each other.  Man have both of us grown so much!

I have to say goodbye to you…for some personal reasons.

That is all.

EDIT:  I am fine.  My family is fine. I just cannot blog anymore.

Well I feel I always need help (<–insert sarcastic tone…I’m never sure if my sarcasm comes across on this bloggy), but really this is Abigail help.

As Abby turned 9 months and is getting closer and closer to being one (ZOMG), I’m thinking about birthday parties.  I didn’t realize it was time to figure this out until so many bloggy moms that I follow began talking about birthday party plans or even posting birthday part pictures already.  (These are mostly ladies I came to know on thebump and we were all pregnant together.)

The thing, though, is I live 3000 miles away from family.

In reading about the plans of other little kiddos and their first birthday parties I think about family.  But really, having our whole family here is not a possibility.  (Waves hi to my mom reading this.  This is not a post to get you to buy a plane ticket and come out…though I know you will do what you will do.)

I also think about inviting other kids.  I mean I am starting to break out of my shell and take some leaps at meeting new mommas…in real life…but these are budding friendships and well as the summer is almost over, story times and swim lessons have to go to the wayside as I’m about to return to work.  I do have a couple friends with kids who live an hour away, but we don’t talk often and I feel a little awkward sending them a birthday invite.  Also, Abby has been out of day care all summer and well, we are looking for a new one b/c we weren’t too thrilled with them, so it’s not like she has “friends” if you will.

But man, I have visions of a wonderful birthday party for Abby…with more than just our nuclear family.  I mean she was born on November 4th, one day before my due date, and all throughout my pregnancy I had dreams of Halloween themed birthday parties.  (The hubs was even hoping I would go early and Halloween would be her actual birthday.)

So my question to all of you mommas is, what would you do?  What would you plan?  Who would you invite?  How much into this would you get into this whole birthday party planning thing?

Post Script:  We are starting sleep training tonight.  Wish us luck!

If I knew how much Abigail would be into everything except her toys, I could have saved myself a lot of money.  This is especially true since she has gotten really good about pulling herself up.  Her Uncle got her one of those pushing toys for such an occasion…you know where she can walk down the hall with it to practice for real walking.  Well, we kept the box around since Abby hearts boxes.  And, well, check out this little gem I caught on video yesterday.  And notice at the start of the video, in the bottom right hand corner, where you can see said new toy hanging out by its lonesome.

Post Script: My vacuum now stays out all the time.  I mean when you have a very mobile child who hearts putting everything in her mouth, I need to have that thing handy.

A little over eight and a half years ago, my grandfather passed away from Cancer.  I was a senior at NYU.  We joked how he was kind enough to pass over winter break so I wouldn’t have to leave school.  About a week after his passing, I went back to school.

Numb.

I started a class called Writing the Human Experience.  We had an assignment.  “Tell a story,” my professor said.  So for a few nights, I got in my pajamas, slid under the covers, perched my laptop on my legs, and I wrote and cried and wrote and cried.  I ended up with 20 pages and 7 parts.  I called it “Don’t Forget to Breathe.”

Please…pretty please…don’t read this until you have read Part I.

Here is Part II…

Part II

The summer of 2001 had been great for me.  I was working a full time summer internship with Time Inc.  My journalistic career was set.  I had seen this progression of my life going strong and pushing forward.  One more year left in college and then I was going to be on my way to become a successful Journalist making my rounds in New York City.

I had a month off between my summer job and the fall semester starting.  First I was going home to Florida, and then off to Seattle to visit a friend, then back to Florida and then off to New York to finish school.  It was going to be a very busy month.  Before I left to go to Seattle, my grandfather was hospitalized.  He had thrown up blood in the middle of the night.  It didn’t seem like it was anything life threatening, so it didn’t worry me that I was going to be leaving for Seattle.

When I returned to Florida, my mom came to pick me up at the airport.  She wasn’t too talkative, and I as exhausted from my trip so I didn’t really care too much about it.  We both moved to the baggage claim.

She turned towards me and said, “‘Metta,’ I have to tell you something about Poppa.”  I could see the tears welling up in her eyes.

“What!  What!” I shouted, which marked the beginning of all the sadness.  “They did a biopsy and he has Cancer in his stomach.”

“No!  Why!” were words I exclaimed over and over again as I began to cry hysterically in the middle of the airport.  There were hundreds of people standing around and I’m sure that they were looking at the two of us, but none of them existed at that moment.  I couldn’t seem to hug my Mom tight enough.  The pain I felt inside my heart would not stop.

While the two of us stood there, clenching each other, waiting for my bags, my Mom started explaining to me about the Cancer.  She told me about the stages.  Stage one was the best stage to be caught in because it meant that the Cancer was small and contained, while four was the worst.  My Pops had stage four, which meant that the Cancer had enveloped his stomach.  No surgeries could be done to remove it.

“No!” I began to cry hysterically once again.

“We believe in miracles,” my Mom said.

“How long?” I responded.

“Well, without chemotherapy three to four months, and with it, who knows,” she replied.

I don’t remember ever picking up my bags.  I don’t remember ever getting in the car and going home.  The next think I knew I was in bed trying to figure out how to sleep, which really didn’t work because I couldn’t stop crying.

This series of posts was started last Wednesday as part of a Cancer Sucks Blog Hop.  I’ve decided that each Wednesday, I will post another part until you have all the pieces of the puzzle.  So make sure to come back next Wednesday, to see Part III.

I’ve often thought about how I wished I started blogging while pregnant.  I mean pregnancy has its ups and downs…it has its comedic moments and its sorrows…it has its joys and disappointments…well I could keep going on and on.  But really, pregnancy makes for some good blog fodder.  So I’ve decided to share a story with you that happened when I was pregnant, though it’s completely unrelated to my pregnancy, but the reactions I had to said events were definitely pregnancy related…you know where those hormones get in the way of you living your life and you think the world is about to end.

Do you remember when our country’s economy started to go down the toilet?  Well do you know what government funded program always seems to be on the chopping block when such things happen?  If you guessed education, you are correct, though there are so many other valuable and important programs that seem to always be on the chopping block.  What this means though, is that the money that trickles down to local governments slows down in the realm of education.  And after programs within education are cut…you know all those goodies like music and sports, talk begins to surround letting teachers go.  Officially this is called R.I.F. or Reduction in Force.

Side Note:  For the longest time I thought it was called “rift.”  I had no clue why and I had no clue what it meant except that you would get let go. Please don’t laugh at me.

This talk was all going on towards the end of my second year of teaching, you know the one where I got knocked up.  When talks of R.I.F. start occurring it is always around teachers with less seniority.  It’s unfortunate, well in most cases…my case really…that teachers who are lowest on the totem pole get cut.  It’s the fair way to do it.  Oh, and this is not based on years in the school district or at a specific school.  It is simply based on how many years you have been teaching.

I was 66.6% sure that I would not be affected.  I mean I had a whole year on many novice teachers, plus my experience as a substitute before being hired on full time counted.  But guess what?  Guess who doesn’t get cut because of teacher shortages in specific areas?  That would be Special Education and ESL (English as a Second Language) teachers.  And well b/c there is such a shortage, those are the most hired newbie teachers in any given district.  What that meant was that I was one of the last people on the seniority list to get a R.I.F. letter.  Oh, and did I tell you that I was newly pregnant yet?  Like a couple weeks before I got this news I was 11 weeks pregnant, saw the heart beat several times, and felt comfortable enough to announce it to staff and students that I was with child.

So here is how this all went down…at least how my brain perceived it all with those newly raging pregnancy hormones…

1. After school I was asked into a classroom by my principal.  There was the school’s counselor, and another teacher who was newly hired when I was.
2. We were told that we would be receiving R.I.F. letters.  (Cue hysterics from me…like I can’t breathe I’m crying so hard hysterics)
3. We were told that the next morning, before school started, the head of HR would meet with us to officially give us said letters.  Oh, and the Superintendent of the school district would be there too.  (Apparently he was taking this news just as hard and felt the need to sit down with each fired R.I.F letter recipient.)
4. I got up, wiped my tears, got in my car, and cried myself home.  (I’m effing pregnant, need effing money and now I don’t have an effing job!)
5. I sat on the couch, waiting for my husband to come home.  As soon as he walked in, I cried hysterically, and managed to blubber out the bad news I received.  (He was relieved that it was job related.  He thought someone had died with how much in hysterics I was in.)
6. We talked about how we would make it through it and at least I would get unemployment.
7. The next morning at that effing meeting was all about me breaking down and crying in front of some pretty big wigs in the school district.  When talk of COBRA started, I blubberd out, “I’m pregnant…..(insert sobs)…I need insurance…(insert more sobs).”  (It’s all pretty embarrassing if you ask me.) We were given the option to go home paid if we wanted time to gather ourselves.  (Oh, how kind of you, but no thanks.  I will just cry all day if I have nothing to do.)
8. Before we left, it was explained that in our contracts, there is a date we have to be told by if we are to get a R.I.F. letter, and that once the district had more time to work on number crunching, that there was a possibility that I could get rehired.  (Great.  That’s all I need…more uncertainty in my life.)

The next month of so (honestly I can’t remember how much time lapsed) I kept on getting looks of “Oh I’m so sorry,” and another teacher even cried for us laid off R.I.F.’d teachers.  It was also filled with uncertainty and questions to my principal as to if he had any insider information.  Also, the hubs and I discussed that perhaps if I didn’t get hired back, and you know didn’t get a job b/c who the hell is going to hire someone who is pregnant, that perhaps it was meant to be.  Perhaps we could figure it out with unemployment and COBRA and such…at least for a little bit while I figured out a whole new job thing.  Perhaps I could be a SAHM for a bit.  Perhaps.  (Note:  In retrospect, there is no way we would have lasted too long with bills and such and me not working…well we would have lasted but our house wouldn’t have.) And of course it was super hard to have focus and drive when it came to doing my job.

Well, just about a couple weeks before the end of the school year, I got the news.  I was hired back.  In fact, everyone who got R.I.F letters got hired back.  Numbers were crunched, principals decided not to take raises, other things happened that I can’t remember, and we all had jobs.

The best part of this all was that my doctor kept telling me to try to relax and stay stress free during my pregnancy, especially with all that history of anxiety I have going.  I kind of wish he could  you have told that to my employer.

Welcome back to the Back to School Blog Style Series.  If you weren’t here last week, click on the “Back to School” tab up top and read all about it, and you will also find links to last week’s topic, “Tips for Success.”

Before I get down to business, I want to remind you about the movement we are trying to start…blog hop style that is.  Click here to read all about it, and of course make sure to come back to read about “Books and Websites For You and Your Child.”

OK, so the business for today’s post…

This suggested list is all about resources for you and your child.  And remember, that I’m a high school English teacher, so I will be focusing on the older kiddos.  At the end of this post, there will be a link to Sweet Harper’s post geared toward the elementary levels.

1.  I Read it, But I Don’t Get It:  Comprehension Strategies for Adolescent Readers:

This is a book I read when I was in grad school preparing for my future English teacher career.  What I really loved about this book was that it wasn’t written in crazy textbook fashion way where a sentence is 6 lines long and you have to reread it several times to figure out what the author is saying.  It is a short book that focuses on hands on strategies for adolescent readers to use when reading.  What this book opened me up to was the fact that so many students, myself included, read over something once, don’t get it, but keep on moving on because you think that you are a good reader if you can read fast and finish a book.  Really, though, reading isn’t supposed to be a passive experience.

What this book taught me is that good readers, and I’m not talking about how fast you can read a book, interact with the words on the page.  I Read it, But I Don’t Get It, provides you with tangible things students can do while reading. One strategy that I personally like to use with my students has to do with post-its.  When reading something, I give the kids two different colors of post-its.  One color is for them the stick on the page at places where something doesn’t make sense, whether it’s a word they don’t know or something that isn’t clear.  The second color has to do with a focused question/topic that I want them to look for.  This helps students have a purpose while reading.   I know you might think that this is a bit hokey for older kids, but trust me, they are into it.

Now I know some of you are thinking that this sounds like a teacher resource, but trust me, as a parent, you will find this very useful.  There is a whole section of already done handouts that you can easily use like a double entry diary you can have your kid use to pick quotes out and write about what it reminds them of or what they visualize or what they are confused about etc.  Who knows, maybe one day your kid might go through the resource part and find a handout they want to use.

2.  Staying Connected to Your Teenager:  How to Keep Them Talking to You and How to Hear What They’re Really Saying

When I was searching for another familiar book to recommend to you, I came across Staying Connected to Your Teenager.  I have to admit, though, that I have not read it, but man, it looks like a killer resource for trying to understand teenagers and how to work with them.  I think that if I had a teenager right now, I would hands down choose this one.  (I went through a whole course on adolescent development and all the reading from that course was super textbooky, so I didn’t want to send you in that direction.)

The product description on Amazon says about this book, “From moving from a “managing” to a “consulting” role in a teen’s life, from working with a teen’s uniquely exasperating sleep rhythms to having real conversations when only monosyllables have been previously possible, Staying Connected to Your Teenager demonstrates ways to bring out the best in a teen-and, consequently, in an entire family.”

Some of the chapter titles alone have me intrigued too:

• “Give up on Lectures and Advice”
• “The Sexes are Different and This is Good News!”
• “Self Esteem Through Integrity”

But of course these titles have me freaking out about the alien Abigail will turn into one day.  But to be honest, I’m not going to run out and purchase this book right now, b/c I have a long way before I’m dealing with my own moody teenager, but finding this book reminded me that once I’m done with all the baby books and toddler books I am reading/will read, that gaining information about what our kids go through does not stop.  Instead of freaking out, I know I will just need to continue to educate myself.  Perhaps the author of this book with have an updated version for Abby’s generation or perhaps there will be a newer and fancier and more cutting edge take on the 21st century teenager.

3.  Web English Teacher:

I’m going to let you in on a little teacher secret.  We don’t all create unique and different curriculum ourselves.  A professor once said to my class that teachers don’t plagiarize, they borrow.  And trust me, I’ve done a good share of borrowing myself…well I see what’s out there and make it my own.  But shhhhhhhhhhhhhh…don’t tell your kids this.  By far, my favorite of these sites is the Web English Teacher.  Now you may be wondering why I would be telling parents about this site.  Well here’s the deal…just about every book, short story, or poem that you kid might read, will be found on this site.  And it’s not just focused on the upper grade levels.

What you will find here, in addition to seeing where we get inspiration for assignments for students, is that you will find tons of resources for comprehending texts your student may be reading.  Let’s say your kid is going to be reading Night by Elie Wiesel.  All you do is click on “Literature (Prose)” and up pops up a giant list of authors.  Once you click on Elie Wiesel, there you will find links to biographical information to historical information about the Holocaust to summaries and brief analysis of chapters.  I mean wouldn’t it be great to hold your own when you kid is confused with the book or when your kid doesn’t see the point of the book or when you kid has a question about the book?

4.  The Purdue Online Writing Lab (OWL)

This is an amazing site not only for myself, but for students.  Now I know you are thinking that Purdue is a University, but they have a section devoted to Grades 7-12 Instructors and Students.  It has tips on using the writing process to dealing with writer’s block to how to do research to how to use transitional words to grammar help.  What I appreciate about this site is that it is straight forward and provides examples.  I’ve even adapted some of their lessons to use in my classroom.  In addition, I inform my students about this site when we are working on writing projects.  And, I mean as we are bloggers and into this whole computer age thing, imagine our kids and how much more they will respond to learning via technology.

Well, if you’ve made it this far, I’m impressed.  This was a lot of information, and I hope you found it useful even if you, like me, have a ways to go before our cute bundles of joys turn into alien teenagers.  And don’t forget to check out what Tracy, from Sweet Harper, has to say about “Books and Websites For You and Your Child” with a focus on the early years.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but for the past few Sunday’s, you have seen this image show up:

Well it’s because I’m getting a bit overwhelmed with this whole 365days thing.  So I’ve decided from this day forward, that Sunday will be for sabbatical.  Perhaps I will post a picture.  Perhaps you will see my BRB sign.  And who knows, this may turn in to a Saturday and Sunday thing.  I mean my stats do tell me that not many people are into reading blogs on the weekends anyways, which is really funny if you think about it b/c it’s not like most of you who frequent my blog will even see this.  Oh well.

So I guess this is sort of a 365days blog.  Hope you don’t hold it against me.  But really, I need some defined bloggy break time.

The other morning afternoon when I was taking a shower just after putting Abigail down for a nap, strange thoughts went through my head.  You know sometimes how something echoes a certain way and sounds like something else?  Well if you don’t, it happens to me often.  (No I’m not crazy.  I just easily freak out.  I don’t watch many scary movies.)

So near the end of the shower, I could have sworn I heard Abigail crying a screechy I’m freaked out kind of cry.  Then I pictured her freaked out face in my head.  Then I pictured a crazy man with long hair and a long scraggly beard hovering over her.  Then I pictured said man taking Abby.  Then I pictured me walking into her room to find her crib empty.

Of course, my shower ended right then and there.  I went to her room, saw she was sleeping peacefully, and breathed a deep sigh of relief.

What would you call this?  Anxiety?  Crazy?  Overreaction?

About a month ago, I noticed that some of the mommy bloggers I follow began talking about planning for their kids’  first birthday parties.  My reaction:  ZOMG!  How did this happen?  Then I realized that Abigail was soon to be 9 months old…that’s 3/4th of a year.  And well, as Wednesday came and went, Abby is officially 9 months old.

Wednesday night, before I went to bed, I was looking at what I like to call, “Abby’s Hall of Fame.”  In our upstairs hallway, we have a framed 8×10 shot of Abigail on all her month days.  Well almost as we’re behind and have yet to hang her 8 month…but still, I was looking at it, and I got all emotional.  Here’s a brief overview of what I was gazing at:

NOTE:  Not all these pictures are high quality.  I’m on a new computer, and not all photos are in the same place for me to find, so I did the best I could with my resources at hand.  Oh, and we are doing a re-shoot of the 9 month ones this weekend to try to get one with her smiling and sitting still, that is not blurry.  But man, you try to get a 9 month old to do all that at once!

It’s so amazing to have these month shots, even though the third one is at a weird angle and does not resemble most of the others.  But man, look at month one and month nine and hopefully you can see why I’m in freak out mode over my growing thriving child.

I still remember last summer, being all pregnant, dreaming about this summer and all the fun things we would do together.  My thoughts were filled with a bunch of, “I can’t wait…”  And every month since her birth, there have been more…

I can’t wait till she smiles.

I can’t wait till she grabs on to something.

I can’t wait to hear her giggle.

I can’t wait for her to roll over.

I can’t wait for her to try solids.

I can’t wait for her to sit up on her own.

I can’t wait for her first tooth.

I can’t wait to see her feed herself.

I can’t wait to see her crawl.

I can’t wait.

But now, I wish I had those moments back.  And now cue the tears welling up in my eyes as I write this.  I want to say, “I can’t wait for her first birthday,” or “I can’t wait to see her take her first steps.”  But really, I want this to slow down.  I mean I so vividly remember seeing Abigail all nestled up on my husband’s chest and how tiny she was during those fist few months.  And just the other night, a little after 11pm after Abby woke up and needed a diaper and a bottle, as the hubs was swaying her back to slumber, I saw how big she has gotten.  Her head nestled in the crook of his neck, her right leg dangling at his waste…it was just too much.  When my eyes met with my husband’s, I smiled b/c it’s just the best to see the two of them in such a special moment, but secretly, I wanted to run out of the room crying.

I feel like this has gone way too fast.  I would like my lost time back.  Please and Thank You.

Post Script:  We went to the doctor for some shots yesterday and to get her stats.  So here they are:

• Weight:  16lbs 4oz
• Height:  28 inches
• Head:  17 inches

And to summarize what all those numbers mean…

At six months Abby dropped on the curve of weight gain.  We were all concerned, doctor included.  She weighed only 13lbs 12oz. (NOTE:  She’s always been small, but this drop was concerning b/c of the fact that she is already on the small side.) The doctor said that between six and nine months she should gain .5-1lb a month.  Well my girl gained over three pounds so she beat the average and jumped not only back up to her curve she was on since birth, but she is a bit ahead of it now.  The doctor said, and I quote, “Well, whatever you are doing at home, it’s good.”  Well thank you very much.

She has always been around the average for height, though last month at 25.25 inches, she did drop a bit below 50th percentile.  But man, she grew almost 3 inches, which puts her above the average.  And as far as her head, the doctor decided to measure it again b/c she could not believe that Abby’s head grew as much as it did in one month.  (Still can’t remember what it was at six months, though.)  And, well, the 17 inch measurement was correct.  So yeah, now that we aren’t worried about weight, we now get to worry for the next three months that Abby’s head grew a bit too much.  (And right now I’m doing all I can to hold myself back from googling, “Baby’s head growing too much,” so I don’t stress myself out for the next three months.)

To summarize, I have a tall skinny girl (no clue where she gets this from) whose head, though is below average for her age, grew a bit too much.

Post Post Script: Did the doctor just say, “See you at her one year check up,” to me?  Cue giant lump in my throat.  Cue some more tearing up as I watched my big girl do big girl things the rest of the evening.  So yeah, just a reminder, I would like my lost time back.  Please and Thank You.