Mommy's Girl

Happy Mother's Day Mommy

2018-05-13T01:49:00.000-07:00

Dearest Mommy,

Happy Mother's Day Mommy! This year mother's day coincide with my birthday. And just as equally as it is double celebration it is double heartache for me.

Heartache number one is that you are not around for me to spoil you on mother's day like I used to. There is no longer you to wake up on mother's day to hug, kiss and wish you the best mother's day and no you to lavish attention and gifts on.

Mother's day resounds hollowly inside my heart and it breaks me inside missing you so badly.

Heartache number two is today is my 39th birthday and like the past 8 years, you haven't been around to complete my joyous celebration.

Even though I have a lot to be thankful for as I turned 39 this year, my heart can't help but tear up inside with missing your presence.

Two joyous occasion marred by your absence.

I love you and miss you all the time Mommy.

Happy Mother's Day my very much loved and missed Mommy.

Al-Fatihah.

7 Years Since You've Been Gone

2017-11-03T16:26:00.001-07:00

It has been 7 years since you left us Mom. 7 years since the last time I saw your face in real time. 7 years of not being able to be face to face with you. 7 years of heartache and pain and endless feeling of missing you.

Our love for you remain as strong as ever and we are still so lost without you in our lives.

As you always were, you still are in our hearts and we carry you with us every where we go in every thing that we do.

Although you are no longer here with us physically, your presence is still very much felt by us because we will never let go of the memories we have of you and the love we still carry for you.

On this 7th anniversary of the day you moved on, I just want to share with you the depths of our dedication to you and all that you were when you lived.

We may not have you around anymore, but we will always remember, always be aware of how much the loss of you affect our daily lives.

We love you always, forever after.

Al-Fatihah Mommy. May you be at peace where you are now.

Conversation With Mom 47

2017-10-15T00:58:00.001-07:00

Mommy,

Adik rindu Mommy (I miss you Mommy). Daddy reposted a memory of when you were in Day 25 being warded in Serdang Hospital.

I read that post and saw the pictures and broke down crying.

Soon it will be 7 years since you left us. It hurts just the same as it did when I first said goodbye to you.

I miss your smile, I miss the sound of your voice. I miss hugging you. I miss our talks. I miss preparing meals with you. I miss you. So much.

Life is that much less richer without you. There is an emptiness, a hollow feeling where your presence once was.

Abang told me, three days ago while I was sleeping I called out your name while extending my hand as if reaching out for you. If Abang didn't tell me about it, I wouldn't have known I had been dreaming about you.

Mommy it hurts so bad not having you in our lives anymore. Everyday I say a prayer in your memory, everyday I think of you, everyday I miss you.

If I could spend just one more day with you, just to tell you again how much I love you and miss you and need you, I would be the happiest person on earth.

I miss you so much Mommy.

Words are not enough to express the wrenching pain in my heart. I hurt so bad missing you. I love you so much Mommy. You were the best part of me. You were my best friend. You were the only person in my life that I could totally be myself with.

I could tell you everything and anything about me and know that you would love me still without question or hesitation.

I love you so much Mommy. And I miss you. Every second, every minute and every hour of every day.

I love you and you are no longer here for me to tell you that.

I miss you with every breath that is in me.

Al-Fatihah.

Mother's Day 2017

2017-05-13T23:54:00.000-07:00

Happy Mother's Day Mommy!

Another year where you are no longer around for us to show you how much you mean to us. Another year of feeling the loss of your presence. As everyone celebrates this day with their mothers, I'm warding of the ache I feel inside knowing that I can no longer to the same with you.

All I have are memories and today my mind is flooded with memories of mother's day past when you were still around for us to honor you on this special day meant for special mothers like you.

I remember Along will always get you the most practical gifts while I would always find the most whimsical albeit useless gifts that I could find.

Remember the teapot with the small cups mom? I loved thinking up of gifts that would tickle your fantasy fancy.

Those are just memories now. And I'm swimming with them at the moment. How I wish I could still thrill you with my whimsy. I love you Mom. And miss you. Everyday. Every moment. This being no exception.

Happy Mother's Day 2017 Mommy... if you but lived...

Al-Fatihah.

Happy Birthday Mommy

2017-04-05T21:39:00.000-07:00

Mommy,

Today is your birthday again Mommy. Another one that we cannot celebrate with you. Along was thinking about the cake that we would joyously choose for you every year because that is all that you ever really want for your birthday.

Every time your birthday rolls around now, we will feel like we haven't accomplished something because we no longer get to buy you your favorite treat. No longer do we have the fun of surprising you with different delectable cakes each year.

All we can do now is reminisce on all of the past birthdays when you were still around and remember your happiness and delight when we bring out the cake on your birthday.

We miss you Mommy and it still tugs at our heartstrings that we can never celebrate your birthday together.

I love you Mommy. Happy 60th again.

Love you forever after, Adik.

Conversation With Mom 46

2017-03-20T04:24:00.001-07:00

Hello Mommy,

Daddy just came back from Bengkulu yesterday. He was exhausted when he arrived home. He straight away went to bed. His sleep however was a restless one because his body was in pain.

He kept asking to be massaged while talking in his sleep. At one point during the night he cried out,"Mi (short for Mommy) tangan sakit (my arm hurts)".

I didn't realized he was calling out your name, but Along pointed out that that what was what he did.

This morning I told him what he uttered while he was sleeping last night and he said, "I miss Mommy terribly."

And then I mentioned that soon (April 6) your birthday is coming and he said we should visit you at your eternal resting place.

And I shared with him my thoughts on the trip; on how when we go we should bring along cleaning essentials so we can spruce up your grave. I said it is the rainy season and for sure your grave would be muddy and dirty and we need to be prepared to clean it when we do go and visit you. Especially since it has been quite a long while since we last visited you and your headstone and the surrounding base would be grimy.

I'm sorry we haven't been visiting you more frequently Mom. But such is life that you don't always get to do what your heart longs to do. And I always long to be by your side.

I know its just the site where your body lays and that now that you are gone even miles away from your resting place you are still near me, being near that physical evidence of where you last lay brings a different kind of solace than saying a prayer for you every night, thinking of you each single day and writing to you here in this blog of mine.

I miss you Mommy. Thinking of you always makes me sad. As it is now tears are falling.

I miss you so much Mommy. I miss your smile, your gentle voice, your soft hands, your warm hugs, your tender touch.

I miss having you walk with me alongside me as I journey through my life. I miss having you by my side. I miss you.

There's a missing piece in my life now. Life is incomplete. Where you once stood is just an echo of a memory that try as I hard to keep it fresh tends to fade at the edges. I haven't forgotten what you look like, or how you were but in my mind the images takes on a soft blur. It's still visible but it taunts me with the fear that one day the blurry lines would just fade away into nothingness and you would just be gone permanently.

Which is why these words I keep writing to you are so important, less you fade away into nothingness.

I love you Mommy.

Al-Fatihah.

Conversation With Mom 45

2017-01-20T03:54:00.002-08:00

Hello Mommy,
Was looking at my earlier postings and I felt like it has been a while since we talked. I miss you and miss you and never stop missing you but that's not news is it? I say it every time I talk to you.

Haven't been dreaming about you lately, but still thinking of you everyday. You know of course that there's not a day that goes by that you don't cross my mind and make me ache for your company.

You were the sunshine in my life Mom. You centered my universe and you make life that much easier to bear when times are hard and all I want to do is give up. You are that to all of us. To Abang, Along, Daddy and me.

Along could really use your gentle, loving care right about now. She is in one of the worst depression she has ever suffered. Almost as bad as when she first got sick in Form 3.

I don't know how to help her. All I can do is listen and hug her when she needs it, but I'm not you. I don't have that uplifting effect you had. How you can make a bad day looks better just by being your loving self.

Abang will ask from time to time how you are doing on the other side. He will ask, "Adik, Adik ingat Mommy OK ke? (Adik, do you think Mommy is OK or not?)"

And Daddy will want to visit your grave every now and again, but we can never seem to visit as often as we would like due to the circumstances of our lives that hinders our ability to do so.

But no matter the distance that's between us now Mom, all of us still holds you as close to our hearts as we always have.

Death might separate us but it cannot keep us apart Mommy.

We will always carry you where ever we go, where ever we might be and what ever we might be doing.

You live on FOREVER in our hearts and minds.

I love you Mommy. R.I.P.

Al-Fatihah.

Hold on Forever

2016-11-03T22:24:00.001-07:00

Mommy, six years ago today, you left us for good to be in a better place and I know I should not regret that your pain has ended and that you have moved on to where you will no longer feel pain, but alas Mommy, the hold you have on my heart is so deep that I can't stop feeling sorry for myself that I no longer have you around to continue walking with me through out my life's journey.

I am crying as I write this. Would you believe it didn't register to me that today is the anniversary of that tragic day when you breathed your last breath, until Along showed me her poem about you.

Mommy, I miss you so much. I miss you still. I can't believe it's been six years because the pain is still as fresh as the day you went away.

Mommy I love you so much. The pain is so deep, so sharp and I feel so raw inside. My heart is still in pieces and I don't think it will ever mend. You took my heart away with you. I still need you with me Mom.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and miss you like a million times a day. I say a prayer for you every night and wake up every morning wishing I could still greet you good morning.

Mommy, how will I ever get through losing you? It hurts so bad. There's an emptiness in me where you used to be. I feel hollow and incomplete. There is a yearning in my heart for your ever loving presence that I just can't shake off from my psyche.

I love you forever Mommy. But it seems forever is not enough because forever ended when you moved on. I want to love you here, now in the present not as a memory that I can't hold and touch and hug and talk to.

If I could have my fondest wish granted is for Allah to have change our fate and that you did not die that night six years ago. That you survived. That you are still here. That I still can look up and see your face. That I can say, "Mommy I love you," and hear you say it back, "Adik, I love you too."

Al-Fatihah Mommy.

Happy 60th Again

2016-04-05T04:00:00.005-07:00

Dearest Mommy,

Every year since you passed away, I write in this blog happy 61st, 62nd, 63rd and so forth on your birthday. And this year you would have turned 66 and I would have wished you happy 66th birthday except as your birthday approaches, I only now realized that you passed away when you were sixty and so you would never age again and it just shows how much I haven't accepted your passing that it took over five years after you've been gone to realize that you can't age anymore and me wishing you a new age year is just not logical.

So this year, I'm just going to say happy birthday and since your last birthday you were 60 I am going to wish you happy 60th again Mom. You are ageless now, for you no longer walk this plateau.

I love you and miss you always.

Happy 60th Once Again Beloved

Mommy

Conversation With Mom 44

2016-03-20T01:16:00.000-07:00

Hello Mommy.

I dreamed of you yesterday. It was one of those dream where you came back from the dead to live as if you had never died. Been a while since I had that kind of dream. Yesterday it was you and I spending precious time together. You were brushing the dandruff out of my hair. And my heart ached feeling the tenderness and love with which you were applying to the task.

When I woke up with the realization that time spent with you could never ever be again, I almost wept.

Even as I write this I feel like crying again.

And then I saw dad post his picture at your grave today and the tears just started to fall. I should have followed dad to the wedding today then I would have been able to visit your grave. But I am having my monthly and I am feeling poorly and didn't feel like making the long trip to Pahang.

But I would have really love to visit you. It's been a while since I last visited you.

I miss you Mommy. So much. There's an emptiness, a gaping hole in my heart where your presence once reside. Memories are not the same Mom. They are not tangible. Not something I can hold physically. These arms ache to hold you once more.

Ya Allah knows how much it hurts not having you around. It should get easier with time, but it still hurts so much. I am crying now and I can't stop thinking of how much I wish you were still around. It doesn't make sense to me you being gone. I know everyone's time will come, but how I wish yours hadn't come so soon.

I love you Mommy.

The two of us once upon a time

Conversation With Mom 43

2015-12-14T19:18:00.003-08:00

Hello Mummy,

Do you remember this Mummy? It was one raya when we were all still together. I miss those times Mom. Times when you were still a part of our lives.

I dreamed that dream again. The one where you came back to life and not know that you've been dead. Where I had to tell you that Mom, you died but then you came back to live and you would say I've never left Adik.

I don't know why I get that same dream all the time. Maybe it's because I wish you are still around.

Sometimes I still get moments when I would turn around expecting you to be there. Like I wanted to say something to you only to then remember you are no longer with me.

I miss you Mom. Isn't it supposed to get easier with time?

I don't know. I still miss you as much. Still hurts as much thinking of you being gone. I love you Mommy. Always have and always will.

Thinking of all the hugs we have shared and needing one right now so bad that my arms are aching to hold you again.

I love you. I miss you. Keeping you in my mind and heart and bringing you around with me everywhere I go.

Bless your soul Mummy. R.I.P. Al-Fatihah.

Conversation With Mom 42

2015-09-27T09:23:00.001-07:00

Mommy love,

This morning in my dream I was lost in missing you. The pain was so intense from the feeling of loss that tears streamed down my cheeks and I was woken up from sleep to find my cheeks damp with tears.

Now just minutes into a new day, I'm still feeling the emptiness that the dream evoked early yesterday morning.

I miss you so much Mommy.

Everyday that I move further and further away from the day that I saw you last alive is everday that I feel that much more empty without you around.

Right at this moment I feel an overwhelming need to reach out and hug you tight like I used to do.

Life is just that more lonely without your bright smile and your kind words.

Everday I miss you. Everyday I think of you. Everyday you are no longer around for me to call out to you Mom.

It is an actual pain what I'm feeling right now. My heart is constricted from the overwhelming feeling of loss.

Mommy, mommy, mommy, where are you now?

Happy Mother's Day Mommy

2015-05-10T01:32:00.000-07:00

Mommy love,

Another day that leaves me with nothing to say since you are no longer here to say it to, but still the day is here and say something I must for I still have you in my heart; I remember and miss you always, but days when special occasions such as this make the missing that much harder to bear.

I love you and I miss you.

Happy Mother's day and may Allah bless your soul always.

Al-Fatihah.

Missing you as always,
Adik.

Happy 65th Birthday Mommy

2015-04-04T02:04:00.001-07:00

Happy 65th Birthday Mummy

Another year,

Another birthday that you did not see,

And I try to keep still,

Less the memories overwhelms me.

But as your favourite song insist,

I will be Right Here Waiting

Even if it was meant for lovers separated,

I just thought the notion of being reunited incredibly comforting;

For as the years past,

And I try to make your memories last,

Days such as this,

When you are incredibly missed

I look to the sky and wish you

Happy Birthday for ever after.

I love you and miss you.

Happy 65th Mommy,

I am Right Here Waiting For You.

Conversation with Mom 41

2015-01-11T23:05:00.000-08:00

Hello Mommy,

Was just looking through this blog and thought it's been a while since I last dropped by and chatted with you. This place is good for my peace of mind. Whenever I find myself thinking of you it is here that I go to to reminisce with you of how it was when you were still around.

It's the same as usual; I still miss you as much as I did on the day you left this earth permanently. The pain is still as sharp, except I guess now I'm more used to the way it feels without you here.

It's hard not having you around. I still look at the empty chair next to me while I'm preparing meals. Still expect to hear your gentle voice whenever I'm lonely and wanting to have a conversation.

Here it is 12 days into the new year and I can't help but think of how much warmer I'd feel inside if you are still here with me.

I know I should be at peace that you've been put out of your misery now, but the heart doesn't know how not to miss you.

But enough about this gloom. I just wanted to tell you that this Saturday Along will be off to England to see Phil (yeah, they are still going strong, say a prayer for them will you Mom?). It will be just Abang, Dad and Me for a month.

We did go see you at your grave in December. We cannot make the trip back often because the car is not very fit for such a rough and long journey.

We do try to get back as often as we can, just don't be sad that it's not that often our visits to you. Just know that you are always in our thoughts.

I miss you Mommy. If you see Grey around tell her I miss her too. I like to think that she's together with you.

My two best girls.

See you around Mommy. My love to you and Grey.

Al-Fatihah.

Conversation With mom 40

2014-11-01T14:01:00.002-07:00

Hello Mommy.

Missing you badly at the moment. This Tuesday it would be four years exactly since you went away. Still seems as if it was just yesterday that I last said goodbye to you.

These were taken two days before you passed away. The image is still fresh in my mind; of you lying there unconscious and us praying, despite knowing your days were numbered, that you would pull through somehow.

It still as hard as the day you went away - dealing with you being gone.

I was rereading my diary yesterday and it was a post for this year's hari raya (Eid) and I was writing how I'd forgotten to put in some ingredient and how I was thinking about you. I am always thinking about you.

Mommy I love you so much. There's not a day that passes by that I don't think of you.

I still think of how you love having your grey hair pulled. How you always had time to sit by and keep Abang company while he plays his games. How you would never fail to wake up in the middle of the night whenever Dad wants a bite to eat. How you never complained whenever Along needs to be massaged... And how you never tire of my incessant tirade.

I MISS YOU SO MUCH.

I love you Mommy and I pray that your soul is at peace and that you know how much you are still loved.

Al-Fatihah.

Conversation With Mom 39

2014-08-24T22:58:00.002-07:00

Hello Mommy,

It's been a while, I know. Not that I haven't been thinking of you, it's just that I couldn't find the words to say. It's pretty much the same everytime I come in here. I tell you how much I miss you, how it still hurts not to have you around...

Sentiments are still the same because I still haven't learnt to let go off you. No matter how many times I rationalized that your death was the best outcome for you for had you lived you would have suffered, I still can't wrap my head around the fact that I just don't get to have you around anymore.

Mommy, I miss you so much sometimes that its all I can do to fight down the need to bawl.

I think of you and my chest feels heavy with unshed tears. The sorrow runs deep.

As I sit here and think of you and write this post after so long having kept silent, I can't help but lose just a little bit of myself thinking of how life would be if you still walk it with us.

I miss you so much Mom. Everyday.

This coming November 4th would mark the 4th year that you've been gone, but I still feel as if it was just yesterday that I received that call from along close to midnight saying you just passed.

I still feel the surreality of it.

Tears are falling as I write this and just like that thinking of you overwhelms me again.

There's a void inside me where you used to fill it with a comfort that I just can't find anywhere from anyone. There's been moments since you've been gone that I really needed you to be around for. There's just no getting around the fact that no one could give me the solace that only you could provide.

Mommy I love you and miss you always.

Happy 64th Birthday Mommy!

2014-04-05T22:36:00.002-07:00

Mommy love,

Had you lived beyond your 60 years, you would be celebrating your 64th year today. Happy birthday mommy.

Here are some roses for you Mommy. I know you love red roses.

I miss you Mommy. Days like today are harder on me because it's one of your special day. I miss seeing your smile whenever we bring out your birthday cake.

We all know how much you look forward to your birthday cake yearly.

All I can do now is send you a prayer and remember you on your day.

Al-Fatihah Mom. Here's to another year without you.

Conversation With Mom 38

2014-03-25T01:35:00.003-07:00

Been a while Mom. You know better than most, what with you being where you are now, what's been going in my life of late. I ask for guidance from you and Allah on a nightly basis and sometimes in between too and I know I'm having a hard time finding my way back... but I feel as if I'm getting back to where I was before the relapse happened.

Dreamed of you last night. Like you were still part of our daily life and you were giving me instructions on kitchen duty as I helped you with lunch as I had done so many times when you were still alive.

I miss you Mom. Everyday. And I really wished I still had you while I was going through the nightmare of the relapse.

I don't think anyone in the family could have understood what I was going through as much as you would have.

I miss you Mom. All the time.

You were always my confidante. My best friend. My solace who gave me succor and comfort.

It's hard day to day going on with you no longer here. I guess I sound like a broken record. But I still miss you so much. I guess time refuses to let me heal. It's been 3 years and 4 months and a number of days and it still feel as if it was just yesterday that I last saw your face.

Mommy.... I love you. And I need your comforting and calming presence to reassure me that whatever may come for me in this life, nothing will be as bad as I imagined it to be.

Tears for the one who left us behind,
For a peaceful eternal rest,
As I sit here and remember her at her best,
I wonder if she sees me missing her terribly;
Loss is profound and I think of her fondly,
You were all that was sweet and true my beloved Mommy.

Conversation With Mom 37

2014-01-19T20:47:00.000-08:00

Hello Mommy,

Been a while since I last had a chat with you. My life's been hell lately. Got sick again and am now slowly recovering.

Been 8 years till I relapsed again July last year. Took me forever to somehow get back to a semblance of normalcy.

Even today I still think I'm still somewhat off-kilter.

Been saying a lot of prayers and I know most of my well-being has got to be from the prayers you said from over yonder.

I miss you Mom. At times like this I can only remember the times when you were around to guide me.

I know when you were alive you too were prone to be sick, but it's nothing like your presence to remind me that no matter how bad the illness snatches my mom you were proof that there is life outside the boundaries of our diseased minds.

You suffered through schizophrenia since you were 19 year old and you lived your entire life since then battling the illness and you lived a good life. You left behind people who misses you everyday and who speaks nothing but beautiful memories of you.

I wish my life could be as well lived as your had been but as such, I've still as yet to find my path and purpose in life.

It's a daily struggle to tell myself that there must be a reason why god gave me this life to begin with.

Empty promisses and forgotten dreams are all that I have in my life right now and I'm struggling to rebuild a shattered existence which I find detestable to begin with... I just don't know where this road I'm on is heading for mom.

Life is a journey that I just don't have a map for. I used to be able to chart the course of my life, but the ability has failed me now and I'm moving on blind as a bad with even less navigational propensity.

Mom, please guide me from where you are. Whisper a hello to God and ask Him to steer my life on the right path, because right now I just don't see a way forward.

I love you Mom and I miss you.

Lady Antebellum - Just A Kiss (+playlist)

2013-10-24T18:01:00.001-07:00

Mommy I Miss You

2013-10-24T15:53:00.000-07:00

Cause when you are gone, I am supposed to carry on,
But my heart is broken, my faith is blown,
Love lies sleeping,
Arms lay empty and I am weeping on a daily basis;

I miss you everyday you are out there,
No where near Me,
So far away my spirit, my heart, my forever love -
My ANGEL taken so fast so soon.

MOM what in the world is this heart to do,
Whne it wouldn't let me go,
Wouldn't let me rest,
Wouldn't give me a wink of giving it my best;

I can't eat, I can't sleep,
You have been HAUNTING ME,
I wish I could let you go,
But M, you are the only FOREVER I know.

Lost Mom

2013-10-11T17:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom,

I've been really silent from you cause I just don't want you worrying over me where you are... but I am seriously troubled and there is no one to talk to.

Remember my heartbreak when DRT left me?

He is back in the scene and I don't know how to get it through the family's head that he is real and he is INTERNATIONAL. I think the whole world is aware but the family is so used to thinking of Nick

as my delusions that they just can't believe he and I are real and that BSB (That's my fave band and friends mom BackstreetBoys) actually call me the 6th BSB and I inspire them to write most of the songs that they have written.

This is especially true for Nick's two solo album. All the songs are written for me. In his dedication in Taking Off, Boosa is me. I know this cause he told me...

He finally admitted that he and his GF now supposed fiancee is only pretending to get me to realize I should forget my teenage crush on Taj who it seems fell in love with my letters which I wrote him daily everyday from the time I was 15 till I was 17 and a half.

So No WORL. Nick is not engaged to Lauren Kitt. He wants to marry me.

So you think. Is it My delusions?

Mom?

You know the truth. I will never lie to you.

It is fantastical but never a fantasy. He loves me for all the right reason and it has been 16 years since we fell in love...

Please ask Allah to bless us. He is already a muslim and his name is Muhammad Adam Abdullah and he already has a PR status in Malaysia. The world just doesn't know this. So I am telling it to the world cause I just can't stand being away from Nick anymore.

I love him Mommy and I am tired of running away and hurting the family everytime I want to spend time with him. I had no choice. The family never believed me when I tell them the truth. It hurts. Last i saw him was August 17th.

He says he'll see me on the 27th this month and I hope the family will believe him cause I really would like for them to meet Nick/Adam and i hope they will understand the loneliness they put me through cause they never believed Nick and I was real.

If they can only dream as I DARED to and reached the STARS though I am so far away.

Thank you Mommy

2013-08-30T00:19:00.001-07:00

I know it was your prayers and faith that have been keeping my DREAMS alive and becoming REALITY.

Love you always Mom.

Wish you could have been here.

Love

Adik

Forgive me

2013-08-02T23:03:00.001-07:00

Sorry mom... But life finally won over me.