Look, I understand that the paper was on food safety, but I’m thinking he should get partial credit for this. Why waste time with hygiene when there is a sandwich involved?

Give me a minute to wrap my head around that.

To be honest, it’s hard to wrap your head around something when you’ve spent the last ten years spinning about. Half the time, I haven’t even known where my head is.

The decade since you were born has been the longest, most stress-filled quarter of my life. I’ve watched you get poked, prodded and wheeled away from me to an operating room over and over again. I’ve seen you choke and vomit so many times, it would be impossible to count. And, there were times that we saw so many different doctors and therapists that I felt like you were a pinball; bounced here and there, from one cold stethoscope to another.

Would I change all of that if I could? Yes. In a heartbeat. Would I change the person you are because of it? Never.

Sure, I wish things were easier for you. I wish that you had more friends. I wish open-heart surgery wasn’t looming over your head. I wish that you didn’t need hearing aids, or sensory cushions at school, and that your small stature wouldn’t limit you.

But, if your life had been easy then you would just be a typical kid. You wouldn’t be the funny, unpredictable, clever, kind, insightful child you are now. Every needle, every analysis, every illness and every remedy made you who you are. And, you are somewhere we never thought you would be.

You are ten.

Happy Birthday to my amazing boy.

Yeah, me too.

The episode we were watching was focused on peer pressure and cheating on a test. There was a group of kids, with two actors planted among them, who kept urging the non-actors to look up answers on smartphones or, conveniently, on the answer sheet which was attached to the test. I’m 40 and I would probably…oh, you get the picture.

As any parents would, we used this as an opportunity to discuss honesty with our kids. I asked my nine year old what he would do in the same situation. He said, “I would look around for cameras and if I saw them, then I wouldn’t cheat.”

I appreciated his honesty, but this wasn’t the answer I was going for.

We spent some time discussing right and wrong and why it’s important to never lie. I explained that once someone lies to you, you have a hard time ever trusting them again.

Apparently, he got it.

This morning he was singing to me. That’s right, he occasionally breaks into song. Sometimes it’s Broadway, sometimes it’s Busta Rhymes. Same difference. So, this morning he was singing, “You are the most beautiful mom! Yes, you are the most beautiful mom!”

Then he suddenly stopped and said, “Oh, wait” and when he continued serenading me, he had new lyrics.

As he held his hands against his heart to show me that he meant it sincerely, he said, “I should have sang, you are the best mom! Yes, you are the best mom.”

In addition to sadness, there have been glimmers of good. It started when we took a walk just a couple of hours after we put Blue down. I took this photo and noted that it had been gray and cloudy all day until we decided to take a walk to Blue’s favorite pond.

The next day, I was looking at the picture again, when I suddenly saw Blue in the clouds.

See her? With her tennis ball and shark fin angel wing? My friend, Melisa, who once wrote a book for children about the loss of a pet, told me that I would start seeing signs everywhere.

On Friday, my daughter’s teacher was telling a story about a book she had just read. She was moved to tears by the death of the main character’s 14 year old dog.

That same evening, my husband was watching a fishing show. He fishes, but he never watches fishing shows. Well, that’s not true, we both watch Deadliest Catch, but not really for the fishing; more for the train wreck of chain-smoking, crab-boat crews. Anyway, he was watching this fishing show that kept making reference to catching something called a “Blue Dog.”

And, in church yesterday, the homily was about being reunited with those you love; all of us restored, whole and without pain.

Thank you, Blue. I hope you keep sending us messages.

Also, if you could keep those messages off of the bottom of my shoe, I would be really grateful.

Our 14 year old Labrador has had bad hips for awhile, but recently one of her front legs went out and she’s had a tough time walking at all. After she and I had slowly passed through our porch, I let her out of the back door and turned to find my son standing there with tears in his eyes.

Before I could say anything he said, “Mom, my eyes are kind of watery.”

I knelt down and grabbed his shoulders. “What’s the matter, buddy?”

He replied, “Well, I’m sad for two reasons. Blue is hurting and she’s old, so I know that means she’s going to die soon.”

I nodded. “Yes, but after she dies she’s going to run and chase squirrels and bunnies again, just like she used to.”

His eyes widened, then he stuck his fingers under his glasses and wiped his tears away. Suddenly, a smile crept over his face and he said, “Wow! She’s going to have a blast in heaven!”

We love you, Blue and we’re wishing you tons of tennis balls and mailmen. Saying goodbye to you was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I wouldn’t trade you being part of our family for anything.

Blue 4/17/98 – 4/26/12

When I tell people what I do for a living, it is inevitable that they will ask, “What do you write about?”

My usual reply is, “I write a humor blog. A lot of the posts are about my son who has sub-threshold autism, congenital heart disease, moderate hearing loss, a missing tear duct, and he often chokes and vomits.” Then I’ll follow with, “Isn’t that hilarious?! Just wait until I tell you about all of his surgeries!”

One of the best things about attending the Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop this weekend was that no one looked at me like I had two heads when I gave them that answer. They understood that it’s okay to laugh at bad situations.

Sure, humor can come from light, but quite frequently it comes from someplace dark. It is how many a comedian or author has coped with tragedy and pain. It’s how I cope with mine. That, and peanut butter, but that’s another story.

Let me ask you a few questions: Are you going through a tough time? Are you laughing anyway? Why the heck not?

At the closing keynote of the Erma workshop, humorist, Gina Barreca, talked about motivational quotes; specifically, the one that says, “Bloom where you’re planted.” She urged us NOT to follow that advice.

Instead of being forced into the ground where someone else has decided to plant you, she told us to pick up and plant ourselves where WE choose. I agree. If you want to grow, move to an open, sunlit area free of all of the suffocating dirt. And, worms. Unless you like worms, in which case you should move yourself to a compost pile.

For me, laughter is the sun. It is where I go when I need to pull myself away from the weeds and it is what has saved me from going mad because of all the curve-balls life has thrown my way. Don’t worry, I won’t go from gardening metaphors to baseball metaphors. Well, other than that curve-ball thing. And, to be honest, it’s kind of killing me not to say something about line-drives.

My point is that it’s good to laugh. It’s good for for the heart, the soul, the mind and for laundry detergent manufacturers. Don’t tell me you’ve never peed your pants while laughing. No, really. Don’t tell me. *pauses writing to concentrate on kegels*

Listen to Erma, Gina and me (please excuse my lack of modesty while I insert myself into a sentence with those two legends), especially when I tell you that you owe me money. Or, when I tell you to laugh.

Because if you can laugh in the face of adversity your plant will flower through every season.

And that, my friends, feels a lot like hitting one out of the park.

I feel a lot of guilt about this. Tons of guilt. Like, there is an elephant named Guilt sitting on my chest. Too much?

I will be attending the Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop at the University of Dayton. There will be a lot of intelligent, hilarious women in attendance and I hear that, as far as humor writing workshops go, it’s the best. Not to mention that Erma Bombeck is my idol. *watches 20-something readers flee*

This workshop only comes around every other year and I spent two years waiting for them to release the 2012 dates. I couldn’t wait! And, when they did, I saw that the workshop fell smack-dab on my husband’s birthday. Dang the bad luck!

So, why am I talking about Erma Bombeck on my husband’s birthday? Because he is so unselfish, that he is giving me this gift. He does that a lot. For the last five years I have gone about living my dream, and before that I was able to stay home and raise our children; all while he plugs along at a thankless, commissioned, sales job in the mortgage business.

Yeah, meet my elephant.

This man has been faithful to our vows and has been true to me in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, and he’s one of the most generous guys I know.

Don’t get me wrong, my husband is a grumpy, cynic. He is stubborn and, oh my goodness, does he like to be right. But, guess what? I’m not perfect either. Please see aforementioned in sickness and in health thing. Plus, I’ve gained so much weight since we got married that it’s possible you could mistake me for my elephant.

He is frequently funny, sometimes romantic, and always supportive. Not many men would say, “Honey, I’m going to the office, you just stay home and blog.” Go ahead and tell me that isn’t the sexiest thing you’ve ever heard. *swoon*

So, while I’m off gallivanting through Dayton (to the extent that one can gallivant through small, Ohio towns) my husband will be shuffling the kids to and from school, softball and church and eating the day-old cake I made him. I hope he has a great day despite my absence, or even because of it (read: tossing cake, eating cookies that our friend always makes him).

Happy birthday, Dado Fali! Thank you for making my dreams come true.

*wakes up, looks at clock, reads 4:00 AM*

I hope I can go back to sleep for a couple of hours. *stares at ceiling* Maybe I should just get up now and write a blog post. Or, I could work…yes, I should work, because I’ll be in Dayton for a writing workshop later this week and I’ll get behind because I’ll be off for a couple of days.

I feel so guilty that I’m missing my husband’s birthday because I’m going to be in Dayton. I wonder if it’s too late to cancel. Maybe we can celebrate his birthday tomorrow. I need to make a cake and get him a present. Oh, today is the dog’s birthday! I need to go to the store and get her some doggie ice cream. And, we need toilet paper. And, Zone bars.

But, I don’t have to do those things today. I do have to go to the post office and call two doctor’s offices and the health insurance company. Health. Sigh. I should get up and go to the gym right now. No, sleep is more important. I should sleep. Maybe I’ll lie on my side. Ouch, not on that side! Dang shoulder.

*snuggles up comfortably on other side* I’ll probably fall asleep and wake up in 20 minutes and have to pee. I should go pee now, but I’m so comfortable. Though, it’s a little warm under here. Am I sweating? I think I’m sweating. *throws blankets off* Well, I’m not comfortable anymore. I guess I’ll go pee.

*washes hands* Wow, my hands are dry. I could really use a manicure. And, a pedicure for that matter. But, we’re broke so I’ll have to do it myself. Yes, I’ll give myself a pedicure tonight. Oh, and wax my eyebrows. What am I going to wear in Dayton?

That reminds me, my daughter needs a costume for her school play next week. I love The Music Man. I can’t wait to see her singing, “Pick a little, talk a little, pick a little, talk a little, cheep, cheep, cheep…”

*looks at clock, reads 5:18 AM*

“Pick a little, talk a little…” Great. Well, at least it got rid of that Barney song that another mom was singing at my daughter’s softball game last night. Oh, there’s a double-header on Saturday and I won’t be here. I need to pack a bag for my husband so he’s not stranded at the ball field with a bored nine year old. And, warm clothes and umbrellas, because it’s supposed to rain. Oh, and snacks. I can’t forget to get those Zone bars…

My husband:

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

To him, “The rain is falling in sheets” means exactly that; water-filled bedsheets, falling from the sky. Butterflies in stomachs, bulls in china shops, and saying that someone is in the same boat, have all lead to lengthy discussions about figurative speech.

So, does anyone want to guess what happened when he was reading “Socks” by Beverly Cleary and I told him to put his socks down the laundry chute?