Moms in Boyland

Why I'm All Up in Brandi Glanville's Va-jay-jay

2012-01-03T10:47:00.000-05:00

Brandi Glanville & Kim Richards, cat fight!

I just came off a 10 day binge of boy overload. Between Christmas, play dates, my 2 brothers visiting, and Bryson's 6th birthday... I'm spent. It's no wonder that my day started off with waking up late, Tyler missing the bus, and having to frantically get Bryson back to catch his. And my husband wonders why I drown myself in inane reality TV like the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills the second my house is quiet.

I'm not the first, or the last woman to admit to a reality show addiction. I think the Bachelor is trite, the Real World saga is so contrived, and I have no interest in watching a bunch of nutcases "out smart" each other on some tropical island.

But fabulously bitchy women in designer shoes with MAY-JA attitude...sign me up!

I know it seems hypocritical, but hear me out. It's not that I would ever indulge or tolerate the behavior exhibited by these women. I also know that most, if not all of it, is well produced and scripted for shock value.

Somehow that does not prompt me to change the channel.

The other night I found myself sucked into a 5 HOUR marathon of RHOBH. I've only done this once before, and it felt equally as shameful. But after a long day of family activities and catering to the needs of 4 boys, momma needs to pour a glass of wine and judge Kim Richard's ill-fated co-habitation with her sketchy boyfriend and the emotional roller coaster that Taylor Armstrong seems to continuously ride.

I feel this inescapable desire to watch the predetermined drama unfold. Even if it means watching so many episodes I wake up drooling on my remote.

I shouldn't care that Brandi "trucker mouth" Glanville just had a quickie Vegas wedding but somehow her ridiculous antics allow me to be grateful for an "ordinary" life.

I know there are SO many better uses for my time. I could be doing laundry, mopping floors, or scrubbing the lingering smell of vomit that my 17 year old brother left on my carpet.

F-that, bring on the petty bitchfest.

What is your guilty pleasure?

Escaping Reality in Boyland,

Guess Who's Having Her Baby At a Birthing Center?

2011-12-23T09:00:00.000-05:00

Connecticut Childbirth and Women's Center

Oh HELL-TO-THE-NO its not me! This baby factory is closed! *sighs for the little girl I'll never have*

If you've read my about my experiences or philosophy of birthing, then you know I'm a huge advocate of women being able to choose the type of birth they want, in a setting that will support their decisions and intuition. For some that may mean having a traditional hospital birth with all it conveniences and technological tools. For low-risk moms who want a natural progression, void of pain killers or inducers, a home birth might be a better fit.

But for those who want the "feel" of a home birth within a health care facility, a birthing center is an AMAZING alternative.

Birthing centers, whether located in a hospital or as a private free-standing facility, offer low-cost, family-centered care during pregnancy, birth, and post-partum. Currently there are over 200 licensed birthing center in the United States.

The birth center approaches pregnancy and birth as a normal family event until proven otherwise. The program encourages family involvement and provides a safe environment for families to experience the social, emotional, and spiritual renewal inherent in bringing forth new life -- while attending to the possibility that a problem may arise that will require medical intervention or care in the acute care setting of the hospital. This is in opposition to the view that pregnancy is an illness and birth a medical/surgical event that needs to be cured. ~ American Association of Birth Centers

My middle son, Bryson, was born 6 years ago at a the Neugarten Birthing Center, in Rhinebeck, NY, which is housed within Northern Dutchess Hospital. It was a wonderful experience---completely supportive of the way I wanted to labor and deliver my child.

Since starting this blog and watching The Business of Being Born, a close friend and I have been discussing all the wonderful options available to women. I was beyond thrilled when she told me a few weeks ago that she was pregnant with her first baby! We had been talking about my pregnancy for so long, I was glad the spot light was now on her. Since she knew I had been through this before, she invited me on a tour of the only free-standing birthing center on the east coast, Connecticut Childbirth and Women's Center.

My friend is a smart and informed first time mom. She has read and watched nearly every book and movie, preparing her for this life-changing adventure. I was so honored that she would let me share in her journey.

The Connecticut Childbirth and Women's Center is housed directly across the street from the Danbury Hospital, which provides back-up assistance for any complications. But for most women, giving birth is not complicated. It is a very simple and natural process that our bodies were created to do.

Birthing tub at Neugarten Birthing Center

The birthing center offers all the amenities of home, including a private room with an en suite bath and birthing tub, a kitchen for preparing food you may bring, and a relaxing family room. The practice has nurses, 4 midwives on staff, as well a relationship with consulting Obstetricians who are only utilized if a mom is transferred to the hospital.

Brookhaven Birthing Center Harrisburg, VA

They provide a full spectrum of care including family planning and pre-pregnancy counseling, in addition to birthing and post-partum care. One of the biggest differences I found between traditional hospitals and birthing centers is their approach to intervention.

In most hospitals, upon arrival, you are hooked up to an IV, fetal heart monitor, and placed flat on your back in bed. If the hospital feels you are not progressing fast enough (or maybe your OB has a 2pm tee time) they will induce labor with a round of pitocin. This one drug can start women down a slippery slope.

If your baby is breech most OB's will schedule a C-section weeks in advance of your due date. Though many women think that this is the easiest way to give birth, it is actually a more painful recovery and should only be used a LAST RESORT.

While chatting with one of the midwives she explained that at the birthing center they will exhaust EVERY natural and homeopathic option to deliver a baby, but their goal is have the safest outcome possible. Women are allowed to labor wherever they want--tub, bed, couch, on their knees, or in bed. They are able to move freely, eat when they like, and are only given drugs when necessary. Expectant mothers are treated with respectful care and attention. The midwives realize that for MOST women, giving birth is a normal process that should NOT be approached like an illness

My friend's face was lit up like a Christmas tree as we walked the halls. I could tell she loved everything and felt comfortable with the level of support the center provides. Since the facility is not set up for long term care, all pregnant mothers are instructed to labor at home for as long as possible before heading in. Once the baby is delivered you have 12 hours before they send you and your new baby home.

This might sound a little scary, especially to first time moms, but the day after you leave one of the midwives will visit you IN YOUR HOME to check on you and the baby. How great is that!

This place almost made me want to have another kid. I said almost.

Happily NOT Pregnant in Boyland,

PAP Party: It's Not What You Think...OK Well It Kinda Is

2011-12-08T10:58:00.001-05:00

I am not a squeamish person. Blood doesn't make me queasy, getting it drawn is a cinch, and I'm not deathly afraid of hospitals like my poor hubby. But, when it comes to that yearly visit to the OBGYN or Midwife for a PAP, I'd rather have my toenails plucked out, one by one, while listening to the non-autotune version of Rebecca Black's "Friday".

I don't know any woman that enjoys mounting those deplorable stirrups, while having her lady parts exposed under a light bulb bright enough to heat a small planet. There is nothing comfortable about your healthcare provider being up close a personal with your vajayjay. It's weird, invasive, and just fucking sucks to be probed by a speculum (which in my opinion is a medical monstrosity and was most definitely designed by a man. Oh yea, it was concocted by this douchebag). If you can get over being bare-ass naked in front of a relative stranger, then you have to make small talk to distract you from the fact that your cervix is being swabbed by an abnormally large Q-tip.

The whole thing just freaks me out.

So when a Holistic Moms Network friend of mine sent me an invitation to a "Potluck PAP Party Fundraiser" I thought she was delusional for having the words "PAP" & "Party" in the same sentence. Apparently this was the second annual party to raise money for International Midwifery Education which pays for midwifery education where women don't often have access to proper birthing facilities.

The cause was great, but I wasn't sure any amount of food or mimosas would make me want to spread eagle...well not since I became a married woman. Anyhow, since I knew a bunch of lovely ladies would be there to support or threaten me if need be, I decided to bite the bullet and clicked "join".

When I got the address for the festivities I was surprised that it was being held at the home of the woman who organized the event.

Wait, would we be getting our PAPs done in a middle of her living room, as our kids ran past a parade of uncovered vaginas? What-in-the-hell did I sign up for???

Thankfully, when I walked into this beautifully massive old barn that had been converted into her home, I was not immediately met with a live tutorial on vaginal care. Instead there were children of various ages running about, the familiar faces of amazing women I've gotten to know over the last few months chatting in a warm kitchen filled with pastries, biscotti, and of course MIMOSAS!

Maybe they cancelled the PAPs??

As I ate, drank, and discussed the pumpkin hummus I brought, I was completely unaware that my appointment with the mid-wife was coming up.

They called my name. With Nolan and my mimosa in tow I climbed a large staircase to one of the bedrooms. It was set up like an exam room with a table and specimen cups, except Blue's Clues was playing on the DVD player, and those wretched stirrups were nowhere in sight.

I was greeted by Birdie, the mid-wife, and her assistant. Instead of hopping right up onto the table she summoned me to sit down next to her on the bed as we went over my medical history. What kind of nurturing bedside manner is this?! You mean we're gonna get to know each other a bit before you shove your hand up my....

I'm shocked to say this but.... it was amazing...ok well the actual PAP smear wasn't amazing, but the overall experience was the best I've ever had. I was treated like a woman who was about to have a very uncomfortable thing done to her, not just another vagina. Bridie was so gentle and caring that I barely even concentrated on what was actaully going down.

In the end, I was glad to have donated my $50 bucks to a worthy cause, connected with awesome women, and taken care of my health. Even though this experience was one that I actually enjoyed, I'm super stoked that if this PAP comes back clear, I won't have to get another one for 3 years!

Click HERE to contribute to the United Nations Population Fund.

Wishing for a Mimosa in Boyland,