MomsenseNYC

Free Therapy

2011-11-12T23:15:00.000-05:00

I spent the summer of 2011 at my wonderful aunt and uncle's house in the country. They unconditionally opened up their home and never once made me, my son, or my husband feel unwelcome. I felt so surrounded by love at their place. There was such a wonderful rhythm and flow among everyone. It was really hard to leave. Here's a slight glimpse into my summer of love. Jack went to Farm Camp

Stupid Brain

2011-08-01T20:56:00.002-04:00

I re-entered the world. It took a while, but I did it. It was difficult. I had lost so much. How did I start over? How do I act normal? Nothing that I had experienced felt normal. I was still in Bizarro Land. But I tried. I tried not to scream. I tried to laugh. I tried to not make people uncomfortable. But I am way too honest of a person for that. I tried to come back into the

Silence Isn't All It's Cracked Up to Be.....

2011-07-30T13:26:00.001-04:00

Silence. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be. I needed that silence though. Everything was SO loud. Everyone’s behavior and every word spoken to me was SO magnified. Blessed silence. The silence I finally found came in many forms. Friends I had known and loved stopped calling me. Some family members ignored our grief altogether, choosing instead to make light of our loss, our grief, our

Abracadabra

2011-05-18T21:47:00.000-04:00

......and just like that the silence set in. .. ... .... ..... ...... ....... ........ ......... .......... There was no sound except my heartbeat. But to me it sounded like the three heartbeats I carried with me. My own, which was racing and strong. And the beats of the babies that were stronger and louder than my own. If someone asked me today where the babie's heartbeats were I could

Shhhhhhhhhh

2011-05-13T22:27:00.002-04:00

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Be quiet. Please stop talking. Shut up!!!! Why the hell was everyone still talking?? Shit. Seriously....BE QUIET! There was nothing to say. "I'm so sorry for your loss." I have learned that this is the standard first thing that everyone says when you have lost someone be it a baby or a parent. Okay..... It has never made me feel better. It's such a cardboard comment

September 10, 2010

2011-05-02T20:23:00.033-04:00

In the early morning of September 10, 2010, Charles Daniel Lyudmer and Samuel Patrick Lyudmer made their way into our world sleeping. I never heard them cry, but I know they heard my voice. I know they felt my love. I know they did. I know they knew I loved them. I know they knew I fought for them. I gave them every bit of my self I could give. I am honored to have been their Mommy. To

We Waited

2011-05-02T19:25:00.000-04:00

I could hold my belly as tightly as I could. I could whisper beautiful prayers of love and hope and promises of kisses and hugs. I could share my exhaustive research with the, so called, highly educated, high risk doctors of Columbia Presbyterian. I could talk them into giving me the cerclage I probably needed at 14 weeks, but wasn't receiving until now. I could pray to the God that I hadn't

I Thought I Could

2011-04-29T22:00:00.001-04:00

I could do it. I could think positively. I could cry my eyes out when no one was around. I could eat shitty hospital food and act like I enjoyed it. I could deal with spending night after night by myself in a hospital room with nurses coming in every two hours to take my blood pressure and temperature. I could research every single thing I could think of to make me feel better about my

You Have to Walk in My Shoes

2011-04-21T22:04:00.001-04:00

I need to finish writing this so I can continue to get on with my life. I know some of you still disagree with how much I am sharing and are questioning my need to share. All I have to say to that is you have to walk in my shoes to understand. You really do. Keep that in mind. To continue..... Well, hospital bed rest was just that. Resting in bed. I could get up to use the bathroom and

The Rest is Just.......sigh

2011-04-17T16:56:00.000-04:00

Well, the rest is simply too painful and too personal to go into in detail. It basically went like this: I couldn't stop crying. I was put on immediate hospital bed rest. At least four different high risk doctors, including my own, came to me with an utter look of sadness in their eyes and offered me the opportunity to terminate my pregnancy. That's right. Mind you I was admitted at New

By Now it's Obvious

2011-04-15T19:38:00.001-04:00

Well, by now it's pretty obvious that my visit that day did not go well. Nope. It was horrible. Horrible isn't even a word to begin to describe that day. I really don't know if a word actually exists to describe it. There really isn't. I've looked. I've never felt so much fear in my entire life. It was like being dangled off the side of a cliff. Would I fall? Or would I be able to climb

I Wish I had Known this Sooner.....

2011-04-06T15:43:00.001-04:00

While checking out MSNBC.com today they were featuring an article titled, "Easy Treatment Cuts Preterm Births 45%". I couldn't help it. I had to read it. I wish I had known this sooner. Or better yet it would have been great if my obgyn knew about this or at least suggested it. I knew I shouldn't have read this, but I had too. It just makes me cry and it makes me want to scream. You see I

You May Be Wondering or Maybe You're Not....

2011-04-04T16:55:00.002-04:00

You many be wondering why I am choosing to share something so incredibly personal. It's OK. I would too if I were you. I am not doing it to draw in readers. I am doing it to gain sympathy. I am doing it because I have to. I'm not fully sure why, but I have to. There are many times that I wonder if I should be sharing such a personal part of my life. I just know that writing this is

Sometimes you should trust your Google results.....

2011-04-03T18:08:00.001-04:00

What can I say? It was a long bus ride home. Only a mile, but a long ride nonetheless. When I got home I did what everyone says not to do. I Googled "short cervix". Of course I did. You would have done the same. The results were not good. Everything I found on the topic talked about premature birth and high-risk doctors and bed rest. I started sweating and my heart started pounding. I

And on and on it goes......

2011-03-27T18:01:00.001-04:00

Well, of course we were going to do it. This was the dream. More children to love. A larger family to share our world with. As excited as we were, the excitement of having twins was quickly becoming more painful for me. What I mean is that it was physically painful to carry twins. Every part of me hurt. My legs hurt. My back hurt. My head hurt. I couldn't eat. Severe heartburn is a bitch

What's Next???

2011-01-04T13:10:00.001-05:00

BLAAAHHHHH!!!! That is exactly how I felt. Blaaaahhhhh! The morning sickness I never had with my son was definitely in full force with the twins. Yuck. I felt sick all the time. I complained about it all the time. Everyone, including my doctor, told me that morning sickness is a good thing. It means that the pregnancy was a healthy one. Hmmmm. OK. If you say so. I sure didn't feel

Now Where Was I????

2011-01-04T12:41:00.001-05:00

Oh that’s right! Holy Crap!!!! I was pregnant. It worked. It worked really well. Wow. Twins. After examining the screen for another minute I noticed that my doctor began to look a little worried. I asked him if something was wrong. He hesitated for a moment and said, “Well…no. Not really.” Not really?? This is not what you want to hear. I began to worry. He looked at the screen again, looked

I Think I am Ready to be Back

2010-12-05T22:08:00.000-05:00

I know it seems like I have disappeared from the face of the Earth, but I haven't. A lot has happened in the past seven months and I finally feel like I am ready to be back. Or maybe I need to be back. To actually write down what has been happening so it doesn't feel so surreal to me. Who knows if anyone is still checking this blog to see if I have posted anything new, but if you are....

When It's OK Not to Share

2010-05-26T19:46:00.000-04:00

When it comes to packing up for the playground I have to say that I am really prepared. I mean REALLY prepared. I pack lots of different snacks, juice boxes, milk, water, special treats... You get the point. I always have a small first aid kit with Neosporin and lots of band aids. I also make sure that I pack toys that my son likes to play with at the playground like shovels, a pail, his toy

This is Hard to Write

2010-05-11T19:25:00.000-04:00

Today I experienced a Facebook glitch. When I signed in this morning the first thing that I saw on my home page was a notification that a couple of my friends had commented on an old friend's status. The glitch is this: This old friend is no longer my friend. In fact, she de-friended me from her Facebook account. I was surprised at how strongly I would react to this glitch. My first reaction

Momsense Monday: I'll Make This Short

2010-05-10T21:49:00.000-04:00

When Mother's Day rolls around again next year make sure that you are with people that will make you smile and laugh and that you are doing something that involves pampering and foot rubs of some sort. This is your day after all. The men in your life should be doing all they can to make you comfortable and happy. If for some reason your day is revolving around the men in your life and not

I'm Baaack...

2010-05-07T21:24:00.000-04:00

Wow! This is the longest I have been away from the blog since I began writing it. Sniff...sniff...I really missed it. As I earlier posted, my husband was away for a week leaving me to pine away for him and take care of almost three year old Jack. It truly was an exhausting week for me and it made me realize that I am a bit pampered and very lucky. When my husband is home and not traveling

Momsense Monday: When All Else Fails

2010-05-03T17:32:00.001-04:00

I am a firm believer in making plans, changing plans, ditching plans, planning to plan, thinking about plans.... You get the point. It's taken me years to gain this blase attitude about plans. I am not always so easy-going about plans though. Sometimes I get really anxious when plans change. Sometimes I get really anxious when it's time to implement my plans. Most times I am often relieved

I Thought This Would Be Harder

2010-05-01T21:59:00.000-04:00

My husband is still out of the country, but will be back in a couple of days. I have to admit I thought that it would be pretty hard having him gone for a week. I am finding out, however, that I rock. I do rock! Being on my own with Jack for six days truthfully has not been hard. Please if you know Dan do not repeat this. He needs to think that I have suffered horribly this week and that

While Daddy's Away

2010-04-28T16:58:00.001-04:00

My husband has left us for six whole days!! Oh the injustice. He had to leave for work and this will be the longest we have been apart in almost thirteen years. Wow! Thirteen years. Although I miss him beyond belief, and I simply don't know what I will do without him, and how can I survive without him here...(God, I hope he is reading this) it is quite liberating having the apartment to