Monica Hamburg Presents: Your Dose of Lunacy

Rerun: "Save the World, Make a Scratcher!"

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 16:53:00 +0000

Back with a new post next week. Enjoy this post from the summer.

P.S. Episode #34 of the podcast ("The S&M Rants") entitled "What's the answer? Get Naked! What's the question? Who cares!" was one of my favorites yet. And Episode #35 was pretty entertaining too. Check them out at RantMeHard.com.

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When I was a kid, I was pretty fucking annoying. I was certain I'd soon be a star and I'd sign any yearbook handed to me with: "Save this signature! I'll be famous someday!" I've auditioned for everything from Euro music bands to tampon commercials and my resume consist of a series of failed projects in which I play some variant of "Slut #6". And yet I still can't help but feel superior to the dude who faked his kid's balloon disappearance for his own shot at fame.

See, I assumed that jail put a damper on his desperate pursuit for attention. But, alas, the aroma of public humiliation has proven too intoxicating...

Now he's an "inventor" who "stars" in his own "commercials" (that last one might technically not need the quotation marks, but give me a second.)

See, as far as I understand it, an ad is supposed to get you want to buy the product, and there's nothing that sells a product better than leaving your viewers pondering: "I'm almost tempted to purchase this insane and pointless object for the novelty but I'm concerned to send him my payment for fear that once he knows my address, he'll break in to find something to pawn off for his crack... (Also, is trading them in for drugs the threat he used to ~~motivate~~ force his ~~child~~ hostage to sing the theme song?)"

Then there's the "about" page which contends:

"Most of Richard's inventions are geared to make life easier for people or to save lives".

Quite a discrepancy there. I developed a padded toilet seat and a vaccine for syphilis .

I don't actually see how any of his products fit the lifesaving category... A device to help lift boxes or a back scratcher? "My son was so close to succumbing to terminal itch! God bless you, Richard Heenie!"

You might also want to check out what he considers funny videos (e.g.) or delight in the testimonials page - which gives me a flashback...

I recall a project years ago for which I declined to audition (that says it all, really, as my standards have been stunningly low). I later checked its website and discovered a "testimonials" page where 90% were not only uncomplimentary but also off topic. There was one that was, "Hey, my brother's sick, so I can't help you with the project. Good luck, tho" and another which read, "I lent you $5. I understand you may not have it now, but I hope you intend to pay me back when you do."

Heenie's page is a bit better - but it's probably only due to the fact that there are merely two "testimonials" - neither of which extol the virtues of the product itself...

"My two Bear Scratches arrived today and look good - so much so that I've just ordered six more!
Several of my relatives and a few friends are getting Bear Scratches for Christmas this year, hence my big order. They're all hard to buy things for, so this is perfect."

You've ordered the product because you're broke and your family will soon hate you. A ringing endorsement indeed.

Next up:

"Hey, I just wanted to let your whole family know that I support you! America is really a tough place to live and succeed. Our kids will be burdened with trillions of dollars in debt and taxes. Nobody is going to have an easy go of it! I really thought your Bear Scratch would be a perfect Xmas gift this season. I truly hope you and your family are doing fine.

The way I look at it, all I see is that ALL your children LOVE you and your wife! And what you are trying to do in this life is to PROVIDE for them! I understand all of that! Your kids, because of your LOVE for them, will not turn up all screwed up like some of these other celebrity kids. My hat goes out to you and I am happy to buy your Bear Scratch product!"

This reads like the letter some guy sends over before he shoots up his office.

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Win-Win-Puke

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 14:00:00 +0000

At a loss for funny, I went to Craigslist - and, low and behold, the well has been filled.

I now present to you the following generous offers:

1) Sex-free sex-work!

I used to think that regular John's were pathetic. Now, if I believe this poster, there's some kind of market for naked asexual cuddling. Which is only marginally less gross, but possibly far sadder....

2) Sex with Benefits!

Dude, dude. Slow down. What kind of software?

3) Helpful Stranger and Future Deadbeat Dad

Ah, so this is one of those win-win situations.

No, wait, there's just one win.

---
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Gets Rid of Your Negative Energy and Any Semblance of Sanity

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 14:00:00 +0000

Happy New Year! Before I begin my rant, here's a really satisfying convo on Google+ I came across:

And now to the (main) fucktardedness:

The best way to get money, I've realized, is to invent something that can exclusively be targeted to idiots. I'm not referring to the "___ to Dummies" series of books etc. but to products that only complete morons with no life-skills or awareness would purchase.

Such as:

At 0:13:
Holy shit! I'd get it out of my home and give it to a Republican candidate.

At 0:32: "Award-winning artist and color therapist."
At least those 2 terms (while hilarious) go OK together. (Unlike this combo of "forklift driver and artist".)

At 0:43: "...the kind of experiences.... have never been documented in non-fiction".
There's a reason for that.

2:03 It's a bestseller?!! A fucking bestseller?! What am I wasting my time doing?! I must write an account of that night I was enslaved by a group of angry and horny robots!

And... for $197 you can buy one of those pendants to protect you and your dog against negative energy! Make sure you get one once you finish placing your Skymall orders!

Finally, in case you wanted to feel good about society (or my chose career paths), there's this:

What?! This is fucking impossible!

Do you expect me to believe you're not also Jewish?!

I actually wonder why he felt the need to add that ethnicity/nationality information in there. Is it supposed to lend some sort of credibility? Safety...?

It reminds me of the time I couldn't get a cab at 3am one night. A car pulled over with 4 guys who offered me a ride. Not one to chance a possible gang rape, I said, "Thank you, I appreciate it, but no."

To which one of the guys replied, in complete seriousness, "Don't worry, we're Greek."

Because that helps.

Sigh. This Craiglist ad is just further proof that I just don't know how to make money.

---
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Rerun: "Come on! That is NEVER going to... Oh."

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 14:00:00 +0000

Back next week. Enjoy this post from May.
--

This week's post is dedicated to fucktarded plans.
That somehow, incredibly, worked*.

Desire: I'd like to steal milk.
Obstacle: I need to not be noticed while doing so.
Solution: I'll dress as a cow.

"The 18-year-old milk bandit apparently pilfered the milk from the Garrisonville Wal-Mart around 10:30pm, Tuesday (April 26), crawling as he exited the store, mimicking the movements of cattle."

I...
Wha...
Wha?!!!

Now this would be a motherfucking shockingly stupid idea even if it occurred at a farm because cows produce milk and so don't need to acquire a bottled version. But, let's say in an imaginary world, there was a cow that wanted its darn milk back (and had opposable digits and the dexterity to swipe the containers). But this happened at Wal-Mart... where, as I understand it, cows don't generally roam free. Nevertheless the "cow" was able to get the products out of the store.

"Eyewitnesses say a short time later the thief was seen handing over the stolen dairy products to another individual outside the Wal-Mart"

And that's where the plan fell apart. Because a cow may lift milk out of a Wal-Mart. But he sure as hell isn't going to then hand them over to a human! Let's get real: Everyone knows cows just don't do that sort of shit.

Desire: I want to masturbate on a school bus while I'm watching kids.
Obstacle: I can't be noticed doing so. How can I blend in?
Additional Obstacle: I am a 53-year old man.
Solution: I'll wear a backpack.

"Michael Charles Friedrichs was carrying a backpack and posing as a student when he got onto the bus at 42nd Street and Longfellow Avenue S. about 7 a.m. March 17, according to police spokesman Sgt. William Palmer."

What the hell happened here? How does a 53-year old man magically pass as a child because he's sporting a backpack? (Was the bus driver this dude?) Does one simply need a prop or costume item for these kinds of ruses? Let's say I was wearing a mawashi, could I pass myself off as a sumo wrestler?

Wait, I'm not being fair here. Maybe the guy looks absurdly youthful and is the size of a jockey.

OK, I found a picture of the guy:

And, for reference, here's what a teenager looks like:

Uncanny.

--

Originally heard about:

Cow - on Wish I Didn't Know

Backpacked Man - on Fark

---
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Rerun: "A Knife? Well, at Least He Didn't Use an Ax - Then I'd Rule Him Out."

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 14:00:00 +0000

Taking a short break from the blog over the holidays. In the meantime, enjoy this post from April.
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Several years ago, I met some gals in a random situation and they were kind enough to invite me to go out for drinks with them. This was very exciting, because I was still new to the city and was having a very difficult time making friends.

Eventually the following conversation occurred:

Girl #1
“So how was your date last night with that guy?”

Girl #2
"He’s a nice guy! Especially considering he’s been to jail."

Me
"Oh."

Girl #1
"For what?"

Girl #2
"Armed Robbery."

Girl #1
"Oh, that’s fine. It’s not like it’s rape or anything."

Girl #2
"Oh, yeah! Well if it was rape I wouldn’t even be considering it."

I had two basic thoughts then. One: "And another potential friendship bites the dust...". The other was, "WTF?! How low are your standards?!"

Armed robbery. That's... not impressive. And "not a rapist" is setting a very, very low bar.

"Hey, my new guy is an arsonist!"
"That's cool - at least he's not a rapist".
Or
"I'm not going out with that guy: he doesn't have a job, he drinks all the time and he pees himself regularly"
"Jenny, Come on! At least he's not a rapist."

Which brings me to my ultimate rant topic. People who date murderers. Every time I hear about a news item where some murderer has a paramour, I feel like breaking something (preferably over the lover's head).

Because I've made alot of poor choices in my life, but I draw my line at dating people who have proven to be able to kill someone else - and might end up murdering me. Yeah, that's just how I roll. Call me paranoid.

Here's a case in Australia where a guy who had already killed a previous lover by strangling him during sex, has now accidentally (?) killed another guy in the same way... *

"prosecutors won the unusual right to tell the Supreme Court jury about the first erotic killing as proof that he knew about the risks."

In fairness, if I was this dude's partner, my expectation would be that since he'd killed someone before during rough play, he'd be super-careful about how he did things from that point forward. But, you know, when you assume, you make a corpse out of you.

On a furious lark, I then Googled "murderer kills girlfriend" (because, statistically, it's usually women) and got the following gem - about a fucktard who killed his girlfriend during a conjugal visit in his German prison.

Why was he in prison in the first place?

"Klaus-Dieter H., 50, who had been in jail for 19 years for raping and beating to death a nine-year-old girl..."

OMG! Dreamy!

Now, I would like to point out that his girlfriend, who he planned to marry when he was released, was a single mom. I have no idea the age or gender of her child, but you know, way to use your best judgment, Lady.

OK, so they allowed the couple unsupervised visits - and the last one they had (of 6 hours) they opened the door to the room to discover that she had been stabbed to death. Now people are enraged by the "lax security at the prison". I really could care less, and was a little surprised at the outrage. But then I read the following quote from the prison director:

"We definitely didn't think he was capable of that."

Hold up. Are you shitting me?!

I'd think it fair if he had said, "I never thought anyone'd be stupid enough to be involved with and wish to spend time alone with a child rapist and murder, so we thought, hey, if you're this reckless, you'll end up dead sooner or later and we figured we'd help hasten the process along."

But you "never thought this could happen"?! I could have guessed this could happen. And I'm the person who watches even the most inane mysteries and unless the killer is actually sporting a tattoo with the words "Look at me, I'm the freaking murderer!!!", I'll have no clue until the film's conclusion.

Now, apparently, the gal was planning on splitting up with him during this visit.

And while I'm usually against breaking up via email, I think I'd make the exception in this case.

Perhaps:

"Dear Klaus,

I was all set to marry you. I overlooked the child rape and murder - I make an effort not to hold extreme brutality and sadism against someone.

It was your cell's condition that troubled me. I thought: 'Do I really want to bring a man into my house who can't keep even his one room tidy. What kind of example does that set for my child?'"

---
*I heard about this one on Distorted View. Which excuses my cruel sense of humor in no way.

---
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Mistake #612 - "Not Fetching the Paper"

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 14:00:00 +0000

So, I found a few other random iPhone apps. They are arguably not as useless as the last one I discovered which alerts people via email that you're being assaulted.

But they are, nonetheless, still ridiculous:

Oh! It's time to spend time making that pizza that I'll never get to eat!

... in reality.

And I can purchase toppings for it.

Rather than spend money for the same food item I can actually consume...

I think the first reviewer is very fake hungry.

--

I love this app because its purports to be a helpful guide for women to perform better in the sack...

But it soon becomes clear that these are not common tips...

And more like the fellow's own endless list of peeves...

Is the "the dog" a euphemism?

And how does the "not touching him directly" happen?

I think I understand why she's crying.

And like that honesty is something the author does in expectation of a blow job...

I really should purchase this app, just to see what could possibly have remained to be said in the "Afterthoughts".

---
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Play it Again, (Re)Captcha

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 14:00:00 +0000

I'm not sure what sort of racial profiling was going on here but I admit I'm kind of flattered the Captcha thought I understood Hebrew. Truth be told, I couldn't read those letters after 8+ years of Jewish school (and it's the reason I was finally, mercifully, kicked out of that fucking horrible institution. Not that I have any lingering issues or anything). And so it's pretty unlikely that my knowledge has increased over time.

Besides directly confusing us, Captchas also seem to have some interesting opinions and messages to impart:

I've known a few of those, yes.

How exactly can one do that? And, more importantly, why would anyone want to?

Is this a hoarding thing? How many cats does Thomas own?

Captcha, your joke structure needs considerable work.

---
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Bullnuts Roasting by an Open Fire

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 14:00:00 +0000

It's nearly Christmas and you know how much I enjoy helping you make excellent Yuletide purchasing decisions.

Again, you can easily thank me by not sending me any of these.

The Cuff

According to the description, it's "recycled" and the "ultimate eco-accessory". Which appears to mean, "I had this shit lying around. And I figured, rather than throw it out, I'd tie it around my wrist and call it an accessory. My next plan involves: a necklace made of canvas tote straps™.)"

Woody Allen Earrings

More concerning than the fact that someone actually made this creepy product in the first place, is that the description notes that the creator has "20+ years of artistic experience".

I really don't think you should be admitting that, Dear.

How about you revise as:

"Just randomly decided yesterday to try my hand at jewelry-making as my 6-year-old niece needed help with a school project. We didn't have much around except some celebrity magazines from the 90's so this is what we made. It took me 5hrs (we're both developmentally challenged. Well, it hasn't been documented, but it's a fair assumption! lol ). So I figured I'd charge $21!"

Kangaroo Scrotum Bottle Opener

On a lark, (because this is how a childfree gal in her late 30s entertains herself) I decided to search eBay for "scrotum" products. I hit the mother... sack. Here are just two I encountered:

I have spent my whole life dreaming of this invention! I can barely contain myself. It's not only the nutsack of a dead animal - it also helps you open wine! I must create the infomercial for this!

And, if you buy now, we'll also throw in one of these:

Bulls Scrotum Drink Holder

Nothing says tasty libation to me more than the words "bull scrotum".

---
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Oh, the Possibilities!

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 14:00:00 +0000

When we last left off, random people thought they should do porn, and Fucktards were trying to see women naked by posting special "jobs".

This week...
OK, it's pretty similar.

Before I go on, I should clarify something. For those of you who think I scour an erotic section to bring you these ads: I'm certainly not above that, but that's simply not the case.

See run-of-the-mill pervs, wanna-be-pornographers and semi-professional pornographers have decided to jizz all over the "talent" section and post their "act in adult film" ads as they seem to think the transition from general actress to pornographic actress is a lateral one. ("Why, yes, I studied at Julliard, but once I auditioned for my 5th bikini commercial and Prostitute #6 part, I figured, what's the diff." Actually, I'm starting to see the pornographer's point.... Hey... Maybe the whole film industry is just a ruse, to move actors gradually into the porn industry... )

Enjoy:

Really? Really? They care if you have an education or can speak lines? Why? I mean, I know pornography is competitive but I'd hate to think people are going back to get their Masters to increase their chances in porn...

Extra work. Or porn work. The former you get fucked. The later...
OK, again, lateral.

I posted this here, not because the concept is preposterous (Well, it might be, but I had heard of it before). No, it's because I didn't understand what was required until about three quarters of the way through. And the image of "bikini cleaning" that also required a feather duster made me more nauseous than I have been in a while.

Of course I'll help you market! You people are innovators! The market is flooded with experienced performers and scenes where you see their faces when they're fucking! But you're taking a whole new approach! Fucking brave and groundbreaking, I say! I got your marketing plan right here!

---

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Beware the Giant Devil-Dingo!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 14:00:00 +0000

I'm a little tired today, so here's just a little insanity for you:

I love the title... the author's name. And that it's a children's book!

Here's the one review:

"The Giant Devil Dingo is aa authentic Ausatralian aboroginal story of how men and dingos came to live together. While the story and illustrations are somewhat gory (two brothers spearing a giant dingo that has been sent to hunt them down and eat them) the book is not for every family, but the honesty of the story should be appreciated. Having read this book at the age of five or six I can honestly describe it as one of the most original and thought provoking books of memory. Truly worthwhile!"

Spearing a giant dingo that will eat them. Man, I'll be having better nightmares now!

Sounds a bit like a Grimm tale. Those, lovely, sweet things to read to youngins...

Which reminds me: I love the site "Better Book Titles".

Here's one of my submissions to them:

Now: check out the podcast! :) It's funny!

One Day Only: Free Air! Only $75

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 14:00:00 +0000

I bring you only the most appealing Craigslist offers:

This, sadly, does not address the critical question, "What's in it for me?"

Well... good luck with all that.

Glad you plan to keep this classy.

I will fuck you! With only my cock! Free of charge!

Can't. Continue. To. Snark. Getting. So. Weak.

---
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Home Is Where the Fire Is

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 14:00:00 +0000

This week's post addresses a few (more) terrible plans:

"After failing to make love connection, man robs woman in Jersey City of $500 cell phone, cops say"

Can I safely assume this guy came up with this backup plan on the fly?

His initial plan wasn't too impressive either. Let's recap:

He approaches the woman, a stranger, at night, in a city - from behind. With: "What's up, girl? Let me talk to you for a minute."

There's a solid and clued-in first step right there: it shouldn't make her uncomfortable at all. Especially since you're not the type to become easily unbalanced, right? So it's all cool.

She ignores him, to which he responds: "Come on girl, don't be like that". This is one of my favorite follow-up lines, as it implies you are ignoring a dude not because he's freaky but because you're a snooty bitch.

"The woman said she began running because the robber "creeped her out," but he chased her down, snatched the cell phone from her hand and said "I got your phone (expletive), what's up now?"

Well, now you're not going to be able to call me for that date, Loverboy.

I gotta say, this tactic really paints him as a winner.

Or maybe he has a follow-up plan: She's not gonna go out with me?! Well how about now that I've stolen her phone, huh?! I'll call up all her friends and tell them how badly she treated me and then they'll bail on being with her and she'll have no one to hang out with but me.

Or how about this exquisite problem solver?

"Loris man charged with setting house on fire when family refused to leave"

Right away this sounds a bit like deciding to marry the wrong woman to avoid telling her you got her mixed up with someone else... But let's continue:

"A 50-year-old Loris man was charged with arson after Horry County authorities said he set his house on fire because some family members refused to leave the property"

We all have to make sacrifices! Your family won't leave, so you're like, "Hey, I'll cut my losses here. I don't really need that house." And there probably weren't other ways to deal with this such as legal remedies or that communication thing.

Look, confrontation doesn't thrill me either, but I'm guessing it is somewhat easier to explain to your family that you don't want them in your house rather than trying to have that talk with them. You know the one I mean: where you tell them neither of you have a place to stay because you incinerated the place - along with all their possessions?

Again, awk-ward.
---

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Cleanliness is Next to... Pornographiness

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 13:00:00 +0000

Generally, when I vent about the Craiglist audition section, my anger is directed at the filmmakers.

OK, there's that too today... But, for a change of pace, at least briefly, let's look at the ads of two potential performers:

You're a natural at standing and waiting patiently for hours? OK, well, congratulations, you're more innately skilled than I.

But some people are skilled at other things - and why not use your talents. Your unique, in high-demand talents:

"Oh! We've been waiting for two people who only want to have sex with each other! Here's a blank cheque - write in whatever you want! Holy Shit! Hey, Harry! They've arrived!!!"

And, now, we take you back to our regular scheduled, "We really want to see chicks naked! Let's make that happen!" Fucktards "casting" posts.

He's doing something different! Those hacks think automobile photography involves fully clothed women - but this trendsetter is going out on a limb with this bikini thing!

Here we also see one of my major pet peeves: "dating speak" in an casting post.

"Then we can go from there." Exactly! See how you like my half-naked pics, enjoy yourself and you'll determine if you're ready for this relationship.

I saw another great parting line in a different Craigslist post: "This could turn into an ongoing position, seeing how it goes."

I get it - you want to take it slow... "Coffee, then we'll take it from there. I don't want to rush into anything - I'm still reeling from my last unclothed model."

But this one is now on my favorites list!

OMG! A free lunch AND a shower?! This offer would only be more generous if it were posted at a homeless shelter!

---
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Masterpiece Midget

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 13:00:00 +0000

Midgets! Who wasn't waiting for a post about midgets?! And aren't they just the cutest, most quirky things?!

It seems that the need for midget performers has recently increased exponentially!

Now I understand (at 4'101/2") that I just barely avoid qualifying for this category. It's simply that I didn't realize midgets were in such demand!

I would like to think that, somehow, the film industry has evolved so that midgets are being cast to play roles that have them just being people rather than as a punchline.

But, if I actually believed that, I'd be a fucking moron.

So:

OK, so this is pretty clear...ish.

But what does the consultation look like? If they're looking for actors, they probably want to audition them - and that was, the last time I checked, free. (Although if the industry has since moved towards a "pay per audition" model, I wouldn't be too surprised.)

So what are they doing at this consultation?

Casting dude: "Hey there."
Midget guy: "Hi. I'm here for my free consultation."

Casting dude: "Yes, of course."
Midget guy: "Cheers."

Casting guy: "Step into my office." Closes door. "So... you're a midget."

Midget guy: "That's right."

Casting guy: "And you want to be an actor, is that correct?"

Midget guy: "Yes."

Casting guy: "You're fucked."

Midget guy: "Oh. OK. Yeah... See, I was wondering about that - but wasn't certain. I really appreciate the free input!"

Casting guy: "No worries. Here to help."

--

Next:

Midget strippers needed. Of course. All hanging out naked in an elevator? Or is the premise that they're all randomly stripping because the sprinklers somehow went off? I am trying to visualize this auteur's concept, but am coming up... short.

So, midgets who strip needed. Or something belonging to these people... The poster hasn't figured out possessive yet. Perhaps someone could offer him a free consultation on that?

--

Finally:

Details given after casting? How's that? I love applying for work - I don't care what it is! You tell me after! It's not a factor! I'm a midget! You say "Jump!", I say, "This is as high as I go, so fuck you."

And Holy Christ on a Cracker, this is specialized! It's more specific than the ad I saw asking for English and Polish speakers who were also ventriloquists!

I can just imagine the poor actress finally thinking she could audition for something. "Hey, I'm a midget and Asian! This ad is for me!" Reads ad: "Looking for an...

Overweight?!!!
Motherfuckers!!!"

---
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Tall Man, Dark Hair and... Oh! I Almost Forgot the Important Part!

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 13:00:00 +0000

Walking in Burns Bog the other day, I came across the following.

Now, the incident itself isn't very funny. It sounds pretty freaky, actually.

But skim it over, if you will...

Here's what I see happening.

Guy passes by, reads the notice.

Then a few minutes later:

---

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Rerun: My Baby's Momma and Douchebag to Wed!

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 13:00:00 +0000

Today is Canadian Thanksgiving!

And I would like to thank you, my loyal or random readers (and people who just ended up here while searching for porn).

To show my appreciation, I'll be posting something I already wrote! On this blog! Nearly a year ago!

OK, I'm just lazy.

Hope you enjoy (possibly, again).

Originally published December 6, 2010

Hey, did you know there's a type of brain injury where you lose all ability to imagine or fantasize?

Fucking depressing, isn't it?!

Wait, there's no such thing, you say?

Well, then, there's no excuse for this:

Let's just focus on the "romance" option, for now:

"A fabulous gift idea for book lovers, U Star Novels has created a range of romantic novels that are fully personalised to include up to 30 of your personal details, making you and your partner the stars of your very own novel."

Because, otherwise, I'd be like, "I just can't fucking relate to the people making out in this book!"

Actually, that may be the case, regardless, because the templated novels are completely Harlequin-esque and I like, you know, a little sex with my erotica.

So, I decided to have some fun. They have a "sample" section where you can fill in the blanks to create your own erotic story:

No, no, you go ahead. I understand you might want to have a "private moment" now.

---

Want more fun?

1) Play this pervy Mad Lib yourself at the Ustar site.

2) Try the plot-generator I wrote about here.

And thanks to my friend, Lyal, for coming up with the band name :)

---
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"Best place to launder all this cash I just stole? Suggestions?"

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 13:00:00 +0000

Far be it for me to offer tips to criminals. They are far more creative than I could ever hope to be. For instance, there was that man who robbed a store wearing underwear on his head! I never would have thought of that. And another thief who threw a pork chop when making his escape. My imagination is clearly lacking.

However, I feel somewhat compelled to give some advice about how you should conduct yourself, as a criminal, when using Facebook. These, I had assumed, were kind of, basic, common-sense, goes-without-saying type things. Clearly, I was wrong.

So here you go:
1) Don't "poke" someone on Facebook who has a restraining order against you.

"What?! Oh, you mean you don't want any contact with me?! Not even a teensy weensy bit?!"

2) Do not post on Facebook asking for a hitman.

a) Yelp is a better way to find services.
b) This gal wrote: "I will pay somebody a stack to kill my baby father." That is some cryptic shit, right there.

3) Do not "friend request" your victim.

This dude broke into a woman's home, stole some items and stood over her bed. When she screamed, he ran away with her cell phone. Here's what happened next:

"The victim said the man was wearing a gray shirt and red shorts. An hour later, a friend of the victim’s began receiving text messages from the victim’s phone.

As police located the phone using technology from a cell tower, the victim contacted police. She had received a friend request on Facebook from a man named Duce Gonzalez.

The victim confirmed the man who friended her on Facebook was the same one who stole her phone.

When police went to take Gonzales in to custody, he was wearing a gray sweatshirt and red shorts — the same thing the woman said she saw the intruder wearing the day he entered her home."

There's a lot of derp here, but I still think the single most stupid thing he did was send the friend request - because I can't envision how he thought this was going to play out in his favor.

Sandra: "Jenny! OMG! I just got a friend request from the guy that robbed us! And he's totally dreamy! I guess I didn't notice how cute he was when I was paralyzed with terror! Look! There's even a pic of him with a pug! And Sad Keanu!"

I guess he wasn't skilled enough in the ways of women to post a mug shot* as his "I could totally do you if you respond to this"/profile pic.

---

P.S.
1) I had a fun interview with Gary & Ryan on the Stupid Wankers podcast. You can listen to it here.
2) *This features in an earlier post I wrote about odd Flickr groups,

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The Shadow Dupes!

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 26 Sep 2011 13:00:00 +0000

My computer (the second one I've purchased in less than 2 years) appears to be dying and I needed some cheering up. I turned to iStock, hoping another search for "Sexual Harassment" photos might do the trick. It so did.

This one (entitled "Sexual harasssment hand" and taken by jerax) appears to be best suited for an 80s sitcom possibly called:

"Heeyyyy, We're Sexually Harassing!"

--

This one ("Sexual Harassment" by jamirae)...

...is not actually as baffling as its description which reads:

"a woman sitting on a desk and making a sexual harassment advance towards a young businessman.
(note: a fictitious resume is on the desk, under his hand. it is a made up resume)"

Uh, no.

I can't very well go into an audition, do the reading and then tell them: "You may not have noticed, but I had a goldfish placed inside my trousers to represent the character's need for companionship."

Likewise, if we can't determine an element from the photo, it is immaterial. It's a fucking PHOTOGRAPH - the whole point is to tell a story visually.

You take the photo and then you step away. Your artistic notes about intent and subtext are completely useless to the purchaser of the photo, because if it's not obvious, it's not like he/she will still purchase and then place an explanation note in every publication about what is really meant to be happening in the photo.

"This photo was appropriate for our manual, 'Human Resources: Performing Efficient Background Checks', as the photographer has pointed out that the resume in the photo is fake."

--

Finally, I present:

"Sexual harassment in the office" by 4x6

Look, Ladies, if you're trying to pick up a book that only exists in a shadow, you're pretty much lambs to the slaughter.

--

Thanks for reading!

There's More iStock weirdness on these posts:

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The First 400 of 8 Readers Will Most Enjoy This Post

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 13:00:00 +0000

Have you heard our humor podcast ("The S&M Rants"?) You should! I've even added a page on this blog telling you everything you need to know. You need to hear it because listening to discussions about fucktards and bizarre internet finds increases your productivity and brain functions by 140%.

Proof? You need proof?!

Proof is for people who lack imagination.

Similarly, here's a request for podcast guests I saw (in a mail-out). There are a number of questions the podcaster needs to respond to for the pitch to be approved and sent out including an accurate/supported figure of the number of listeners the show has. This way people who are considering guesting can truly evaluate if they wish to submit for the program.

That is not a stat. It is, however, impressive in its evasiveness.

"How many listeners does your show have, Monica?"

"Our listeners are the brightest and most expansive people online. They have the tools to hear our podcast and they make use of them."

--
Googling another podcast, I was presented with some new math.

OK, so I take the 30 and I divide by... No, it's the 0 divided by the... Ah, it's the first 30 but there are no podcasts. Oh! Hey! I almost forgot! I wanted to invite you to my housewarming - you can see the most recent 30 out of 0 homes I've purchased.

--

The next two requests (part of a mail-out requesting sources for articles) are pretty straightforward and not meant to be odd. But...

How hot? Look, I'm in the "Medical Stuff Creep Me Out" club but I'm aware that some feel quite differently. (Google "medical fetish" if you don't know but must find out.)

Then there's this request:

I love the unintended enthusiasm here. "You got beaten by your partner? That's life!"

It kind of seems like a card you'd draw in the 80s board game.

Oh, you got "'Spousal Abuse'?! Well, that's 'Life!'"

---
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Our Deli Section Now Offers Free Prostate Exams

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 13:00:00 +0000

This is a special medical-themed lunacy post.

You do not, I repeat: do not have to disrobe to fully comprehend this post. But it helps.

So, this woman posed as a doctor "and duped at least two women into having their breasts examined by her at Boise-area nightclubs."

"The two women told Boise officers they believed Ross was a physician because of her apparent medical knowledge, and they agreed to undergo what they thought were breast exams, which happened at the bars.

OK, I don't know what's going on in this town, where it's somehow normal or expected to have breast exams (by an assumed medical professional) conducted at a bar... It really seems like the last place this kind of thing would legitimately occur. Or maybe it's just so unusual to have your breast felt-up with your consent at a nightclub, that you'd agree to it, just for the novelty.

And then there's this guy: Weight-loss doctor who claimed an orgasm burns 200 calories is arrested for sexually assaulting his patients

Well, that doesn't sound right... I mean, maybe it burns less calories than that, but is lying about that really considered "assault"?

"Dr Arie Oren, 64, is accused of telling one of his patients she would slim down if she had sex with him."

Oh.

Well, that's original, I'll give him that. Because nowhere have I ever read that it makes a difference who you have sex with in order to burn calories. This makes me wonder about his assessment of various other activities. For instance, what about having anal sex with him? Would that burn more calories? How many pounds would I lose in say, a week, if I made sure not to tell his wife?

"And when one woman stormed out of his office in Pennsylvania after he allegedly groped her, she claims he said: 'The visit is on the house because you're so hot."

[blush, giggle] Well, I was thinking of calling the cops, but you're not going to charge me for the assault, so then 'kay! I just love to save!

Finally:

A "Danish doctor is claiming that he took naked photographs of anorexia patients and forced them to use sex toys in an attempt to make them feel better about their bodies."

Uh. Hmm.

OK...

So a number of women were convinced that, in order to get better, they would need to have him take pictures of their genitalia and use sex toys in front of him.

Now, it should go without saying that here, as in any other case, the victim's gullibility is no excuse for a predator's actions. And I'd hate to appear to be blaming the victim (again). So do try to hear me saying to the gals, "Come on... really?! Really?! Are you fucking serious?!!!" in the most gentle possible voice.

But this article gets even more special because, like most true fucktards, he doesn't just say "You got me. I'm a perv" or come up with something half-way plausible as a defense. Instead, he sticks with, and elaborates on, his excuse. His truly, truly, truly outrageous excuse.

"Anorexic patients, generally speaking, have a hard time accepting how they look naked. That’s why I took a number of photographs of genitalia to get them adjusted to seeing them"

Wonderful. Genius, really. I commend you, Sir. This is the premise I will now use for all future activities. In fact, it's a formula we can all use!

"______[A], generally speaking, have a hard time ______[B] That’s why I _______[C] to get them to _______ [D]"

[A] People who have recently lost a pet
[B] adjusting
[C] defecate on their sofa
[D] feel like their pet is still around

Now you try!

---
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Beadmaking with the Bon Jovis

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 05 Sep 2011 13:00:00 +0000

Redtube, a porn site, has made an odd assumption about what people might like to share.

Note the options on the right sidebar:

At long last! I keep meaning to recommend specific porn clips to my friends but without the reminder it just constantly slips my mind...

See, Redtube, while there are very few people who are cool with telling the world what erotic material they enjoy, social media also has a type of immediacy to it (especially Twitter), which turns your post about what you were watching, into: "what I was just watching", and even fewer people feel comfortable announcing,

"Hey, I was just jacking off to 'Raiders of the Lost Ass'! Thought you might be so inclined as well, @terrancelovesbooty."

While I'm on the topic of porn (and when am I not?), I ~~came~~ stumbled across the following recently:

Beside my very basic recurring "who the fuck is fantasizing about these characters?!!" question, I am also tortured by what the casting notice for this must have looked like:

"Looking for the least attractive porn actors and actresses..."

I also feel it necessary to reiterate that that there is only one purpose and one purpose alone to watching porn. And that is: to get aroused. If you've never been to a porn theater, take it from someone who's worked there. It is where people used to go to masturbate (which is why it really confuses me when someone gets arrested there for jacking off, like anything else was supposed to happen there... "I'm just here to critique the latest installment of 'Ass Avengers'. I'm consumed with whether #4 be as fulfilling as the others.")

And so I really have to question how an unsexy, dysfunctional sitcom family qualifies...

I also wonder about the purpose of this offering:

I can finally discover if porn stars can dance?!! Oh Fuck-yah!

I can't tell you have many sleepless nights I've spent pondering just this. I just hope, that someday, if I wish real hard, there will come a time that I can see a film with pornstars singing.

Thank you, oh great Genie!

---
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Lack of Experience is the Best Teacher

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 29 Aug 2011 13:00:00 +0000

I've been going through life thinking you had to know something to teach it.

See, I have a lot to learn. But, then again, if I learnt nothing, I'd apparently be more capable of teaching.

Acting instructor. Minimal acting experience necessary. This is the joke my friends and I would make when our acting teacher would spend 50% of the class time waxing poetic about being "Burglar #3" in films that none of us had ever heard of. But come on! Really?!

"Here are some lines," the dude they hire might say. "Speak them. Out loud. To the other person in the scene."

I hope also he imparts the knowledge presented here.

Now that agency might really like the following guy:

I won't even address the fact that maybe someone who understands more advanced stuff would also be able to teach the basics - because I so love his innovative method of teaching. Doing it over and over again until you get it right. Holy fuck! This is groundbreaking, revolutionary stuff! I have a whole new perspective on this learning process now.

But I think my favorite is the following ad (sent to me by Dan Udey). It's pretty special and, if you speak perv-inese, super-transparent. Now, this guy might even have experience with what he's teaching. Although it's pretty unlikely.

But here's the kicker. He listed a phone number later in the ad. I Googled it and found the following ad with same number:

This fellow is really versatile! And he's European! Oh, my G-spot's already a-fluttering!

1) I love meeting strangers at coffee shops to talk in detail about my sex life!

2) If you already have various different orgasms and still want more - then fuck you, you're just a greedy asshole.

3) He's offering tutoring in English. Just wanted to make sure you noticed that.

4) I have a feeling he'd be trying to push his G-spot training at any of the other sessions. Table Tennis: "Your swing is a bit tense. I know just the solution." Swimming: “You look so good in your swimsuit, you must be really sexual. Let me ask you, do you know about the 4th Gspot”. Cooking: “Some say the taste of food is orgasmic. Speaking of which..." Chinese: "I come hard. You come hard. They come hard. When we follow Dave's Gspot instructions."

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Thanks for reading!

I was recently interviewed on Sad Clown Radio. Hear me at my most neurotic and revealing!

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Ever Had an Intense Desire to Dance with an Aye-Aye?

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 13:00:00 +0000

As I mentioned before, I had a nice look through the App store recently. Here are a few more WTFARFKMIGUs (What The Fuck?!!, Are You Fucking Kidding Me? I Give Up. s).

Let's just take a look at the categories before we begin.

Music, Productivity, Life- wait... What is up with the Lifestyle icon?

I guess farting is part of some people's "lifestyle"... but, as far as I know, it's not exactly an across-the-board kind of thing.

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I like how they really sell the product by being faux-disgusted at their own double-entendres.

But more importantly, way to hone in on a target market here. Do you like partially naked women? If you answered "no" then you might like arcade games. Well, it's hard to argue with that logic.

Finally, here's an app that focuses on a critical need:

I can answer the questions this app poses much the same way I responded to the following question posted on a fetish site:

This sound clip expresses it best.

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Pro Bono Porn! Give of Yourself for Charity.

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 15 Aug 2011 13:00:00 +0000

It's been difficult to stay focused lately. You see, I applied for an internship as a porn actress and I'm on pins and cocks waiting for the call!

Initially, I didn't even realize that you couldn't start in adult films getting paid. And, once again, Craigslist was able to edumacate me.

Woot! I get paid on future sales! Deferral porn pay is where it's at!

Remember - practice makes perfect! And you really need to get some indie porn under your belt(?). Be sure to amass good material for your porn demo!

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A "start-up" porn company! You mean I get in on the ground floor of this venture! I can already see my name on the Marquee!

Also, the job is for a fluffer. But there's no "sex involved". Which only means that the poster has a very narrow definition for what constitutes actual "sex". Thus, there's no "kicker". It's just an ad expecting women to make no money sucking a dude's cock. (Just like all the regular ads.) Oh, and you are expected to do makeup. Remember, in this job market, having a variety of skills is key!

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So, I saw this:

And couldn't wrap my mind around it. Are they telling me there's a way to have fun with your family without porn?!

Seriously, I was amused that they felt the need to clarify that a family site might not involve gambling, drugs or porn.

Then I saw this:

It's family friendly - but you still have to show off your tits!

Use your talents to "hold a viewers" attention...

I guess I just have to keep practicing that "Breasts and Puppet" act I've been working on.

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Bonus derangement (found by Corey Rollins of Shogun Gamer):

And you're posting on Craigslist, Sir?

Because that's the most direct way to ask your question when you are already in front of the WINDOW.

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Pssssst: our latest episode of "The S&M Rants" is the best so far (I think)! It's got it all:

My Mom
Ambitious Fucktards
Murder
Taco Bell Wrappers!

So please check it out! Need more incentive - we were talked about on the most recent "Succotash" show. (Thank you, Rob and Jason of "What Duvet Said"!)

And... should you wish to get a call from us and weigh in the Fucktard of the Week, do let me know (see email or twitter below).
-
Thanks for reading! If you liked this post, please consider:

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Listening to my podcast	I also have a weekly podcast, "The S&M Rants" with Shane Birley - please check it out. (I recommend you start with Episode 7 or higher.) Listen here, subscribe on iTunes and/or rate/comment.
Following the podcast on Social Media	The podcast also has a social media presence (Facebook and Twitter):
Contacting me	Have some deranged stuff for me - or just want to say "Hello"? Feel free to contact me via email or using my personal Twitter.
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Thanks again!

The Nestlé Quik Bunny's Looking for Action

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 08 Aug 2011 13:00:00 +0000

Do you know what time it is, kids? It's time for the WTF game!

We've played it before - but not with Craigslist, so let's give that a whirl.

The game is pretty self-explanatory: I provide an ad and you help me figure out what the fuck is going on.

Look, I get it: Craigslist is like Fantasy Island for the delusional. People clearly post an ad thinking, “here’s the magic land where all my random unrealistic expectations can finally come true!” or "Hey, it's worth a shot! What IF?!". So go on, dream away, my friend. But what's with the: "if you're clever?" It's not like the number is encrypted in some sort of secret code known only to the inner-sanctum of the hot, crazy and desperate...

So how does he think this is helping?

1) He figures a psycho won't be smart enough to figure the number out and so he's got his safety covered?

2) He sees that even a gal who's drunk, stoned or horny might even still need to be persuaded to suck a random Craigslist guy's cock. So he provides this "test" to make her feel like it's a prize to blow him?

3) Other? I'm out of ideas so let me know: what else is possible?

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I don't understand this at all. Is this like the "Free Hugs" guy?

I am having difficulty envisioning a good scenario here. Instead, I see:

Woman: "Wow. Today has been stressful. I've really hated laying off half the company - but times are tough..."

Colleague (Remembering Craigslist ad): "I know just the thing to turn this day around!" (Takes out his iPhone and sends an email to poster.)

Half an hour later a disheveled, hyper man (think: Jerry Stiller in Seinfeld) rushes in: "NEED A LAUGH?! YOU WANNA LAUGH! WELLL YOU GOT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The next 2 hours are filled with him speed-yelling random Dane Cook and Leno jokes. People at the office periodically attempt to get him to leave by trying to interject a, "Thank you, that was... great." But there is no off switch for the guy who only pauses to scream desperately "I JUST WANT TO MAKE YOU LAUGH!" and "CAN I HAVE A HANDSHAKE?! SOMEBODY GIVE ME THEIR HAND! PLEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAASE".

How adult? How drunk? Sure, I could consider for awhile and maybe deduce that the poster wants a male clown to act drunk and that there's no nudity involved - but why am I expected to do all the heavy mental lifting? I already burnt myself out figuring out the roman numerals from the first ad.

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Contacting me	Have some deranged stuff for me - or just want to say "Hello"? Feel free to contact me via email or using my personal Twitter.
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Thanks again!