Monica Hamburg Presents: Your Dose of Lunacy

Rerun: I Love the Smell of Craigslist. It Smells Like... FAIL.

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 28 May 2012 14:00:00 +0000

Got caught up in non-blog stuff. Back next week. Meanwhile please enjoy this post from September 2009.

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Here's a new game - it's called "Spot the Inevitable FAIL".

Some examples:

I just wish I was there to see this train wreck progress.

I think the "something" he's going to "make happen" is suck.

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The beauty of certain "creative people" is that the ones who have ideas not remotely worth stealing are usually the ones most paranoid about releasing their work and ideas.

Sadly, they also think that others who might want to be involved in projects really don't need to know any details before committing time to interviews/auditions etc.

Like this posting asking for actors:

Hey, awesome! Where do I sign up?! I mean, I can't wait to show up and find out if your script involves a no-budget film about aliens, vampires, zombies, the apocalypse or the struggles of a self-absorbed artist in the big city or a contemplative look at a relationship, based entirely on a relationship you once had, with nary a detail omitted.

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This ad is bound to be legit:

We "record in my family home" - Congratulations, you've managed to make me queasy from the get-go. "Daddy, why is there a naked man in our kitchen?" "Go back to bed, Carly, Daddy's making a mo-vie."

I like that there's an essay part of the equation with the important questions: "What positions do you like to do a girl?" and "Have you done anything with the opposite sex that we should know about" and that the initial interview involves a jack-off of at least 10 minutes. Of course, these exist to see if the applicant is qualified for the position, not merely for the enjoyment of the "producer"...

Again, I'd do anything to get ahold of the answers to those questions.

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And, finally, we have this ad:

Hold up. You want someone to do your laundry, housework etc. as well as service you sexually. Basically fulfill your every need and wait on you hand and foot.

And they pay you.

Can I stage an intervention with you and this guy? Better yet, would you please both enroll in a basic economics course - like the one they teach in 10th grade?!

Please feel free to comment with links to other "this can't go right" ads.

I'm Tempted. But I Have a Standing 3 o'clock with a Monkey

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 21 May 2012 14:00:00 +0000

For the first time ever (this surprises me too), I checked out the mm2w section of Craigslist (Two men looking for a woman for play - i.e. a threesome). And I was floored.

Because 85% of the ads were completely articulate and - generally - even hot... I don't know why or how this is possible - maybe it's that, to get this party started, there needs to be some organization and so impulse ads like, "Just woke up, my cock's ready r u?" aren't really an option...

Or maybe it's because, if there are 2 guys on board, the more together one cleanses the ad of the penis pics and extra consonants...

Do let me know your theories, please.

And, now, back to the regular m2w ads - and their utter ridiculousness.

Because abstinence keeps people normal...

Well, that's not very nice.

Wait, did you say you had lube. Nevermind, I'm already there!

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You want even more tempting? You got it:

You sound sweet.

Nothing pathetic (or white trash) about this! Sleep with some dude and you'll get some flowers. Of course, you have to tell him how many and I imagine he can veto that:

"6 flowers, Babe? Really? Hon... last time was only really worth 4, so I'm going to have to deduct a few from this round."

I'm also trying to envision something less romantic than this proposition... and the only thing I could come up with is if the foreplay involved giving a rim-job to a monkey.

Actually, I'm thinking that would be preferable.

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Yearning Scribe Seeks Delusional Thespian for Pointless Collaboration

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 14 May 2012 14:00:00 +0000

Craigslist Casanovas have been fun, no? But, as we've learned before (many times) casting notices can be as infuriating as the "sexy" ones.

Here's my favorite this week:

I'm not going to address just how much of a pointless endeavor this gals' experiment will be - only because there is so much other fucktardery to focus on!

"I'm in a serious monogamous relationship"

Oh! That's a relief! I feel that people who are either single, or in an open-relationship just make shitty directors.

"I'm pretty good at dialogue and writing, which I mostly attribute to the fact that I did a lot of professional theatre as a child and in my teens"

I'm a good lawyer, which I mostly credit to the fact that as a child and into my teens, I thought I was a vampire.

"a brief paragraph about yourself and what characters you enjoy being"

My name is Monica. I spend way too much time contemplating Fucktards and thinking about sex. If I were a bird, I would be a Kagu. If I had a farm, I would raise pigs. If I had another arm... I would be concerned. Sometimes I wonder about life. Sometimes I eat spicy foods. Sometimes I have theories about herring.

I enjoy being many characters. My preference would be playing a tortured psychic on the run from the mob. But I would also be pleased to have the role of a bitter unemployed chef who, though a number of funny circumstances, is forced to become a social worker for wayward youth. I see a scene in that one where I nurse a Kangaroo. That would be great - but is not a deal-breaker.

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Treat Me Like a Breakfast Smoothie

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 07 May 2012 14:00:00 +0000

Titles of Craigslists posts are occasionally enigmas...

See, a few guys understand that they have to stand out from the myriad of ads that go something like this:

"Horny and bored! Want to give me a BJ?!"

"Married and I have a huge cock! Sit on it. No questions asked."

So they try to come up with some original phrasings.

Like:

I think it's 10pm! Are we a match?!

Here are a few others that really miss the mark:

I'm really trying to picture this. I see gams on toasts.

Look, if you're already sarcastic about it, I'm really not going to make the effort.

Phew! That rules that out.

I got the worst image (and stomach cramps) when I saw this. Turns out the guy wants to run with someone and then eat them out. The title was probably a good tactic, because his actual offer now sounds far less nauseating than it should...

Stop. Reading. My. Mail!

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More Craigslist fail on these posts:

"I love the smell of craigslist - it smells like fail"
"That's the way you do it. Money for massages and sex for free..."
and at this tag

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Ogre Queen: Even YOU Will Do! Sexy Lady

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 14:00:00 +0000

Back to Craigslist's sexy "Casual Encounters" section for some entertainment.

Worst salad ever!

That's really not for me, is it?

So you can't just fuck this guy. You have to inspire him. That seems like an unnecessary amount of work just to get laid.

For those of you who don't live around here, let's just Google Streetview this sucker so you have an idea of the hotness that abounds.

Still, markedly more alluring than this ad:

I would feel sooooo desirable!

I like this next one for the sheer lack of effort:

You can't spell either of those words?!
No sex for you!

“I can last very long”. Really?! How can you be sure of that?

You do know your hand feels different than a vagina. No... of course you don’t.

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My Vigina Hurts from Last Night's ProBone Session

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 16 Apr 2012 14:00:00 +0000

Ah, it's spring! It's bright and sunny outside.
Seems like a good time for my internet bitch-slap.

This is also known as "what search terms lead people to my blog" (See slaps from 2011 and 2009.)

liquid virgin

A new superhero!

am dying from your hawtness

That is tragic. But I really don't mind.

best probone porn

Is there any sites against boners in porn?

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It's also a good way to learn about very specific fetishes:

doctors in pyjamas

blowjob from mom.com

fuck roller skates

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And discover some mysteries:

does touching your shit

Well, finish the question! It's a public service!

google boobs we know what you are searching for

I’m glad somebody does. I was fucking LOST.

i think you got raped

I have to break it to you gently. Maybe Yahoo Answers will help.

have problems with my vigina

I can see why.

i'm not a cuddle but i'll hold you tight while i fuck you t-shirt

You are just the sweetest!

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Rerun: Might I Suggest the Patek Philippe Puppy Pendant Watch?

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 14:00:00 +0000

Happy Easter. Or solemn Easter. Whatever you prefer.

Enjoy this post from November 2010.
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Yes. I have been spending too much time on Etsy lately. And, yet, I still feel superior to those who would purchase any of these items...

To begin: What season is it, kids?

Why it's the season for accessorizing in full cat!

No longer must you try to mix and match your cat bracelet with a ferret cameo for fear of being too "matchy-matchy"! It's all cat this year!

Try:

This cat muzzle imprint necklace:

"Capture that sweet little muzzle of your beloved pet friend! What a special keepsake!...What a special gift to give or keep for yourself! "

What a special way to show you're special!

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"Get ready for compliments when you wear this"

...or terror... you know, same diff.

Really, what environment would you have to exist in for your social circle to include people who would be impressed by this...

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I'm having some difficulty determining the wackiest part of this Cat in a Wig Hat.

I'll focus just on the description for now...

"The polyester hair is attached underneath the hat, giving the illusion of a nice, modern haircut."

Indeed! I just saw it in the latest Dolce&Gabbana Lookbook!

"Also suitable for any other small pet (just specify it at checkout in "Message to buyer")."

Hamster.

"Don't use the camera flash when taking frontal pictures of the pet."

Oh, Brain, please don't let me imagine the opposite of this... Oh, fuck, Brain, I hate you.

"Don’t force the cat if he/she really does not want to “dress up”.

Yes, because generally the dressing up is the cat's idea.

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There. is. No. God.

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And, finally, a gift for your cat:

What fun! Imagine your cat as a serial killer!

You know what provoked him?

..the "frontal" flash-camera shot.

Live with that, Motherfucker.

---

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It's Gift Time and I'm Right Out of Tissues!

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 14:00:00 +0000

I don't want this blog to gather dust, so I've found some more Fiverr bizarreness for you:

"I will send you a ghost lollipop for $5"

Hmmmm... what's this about...?

"A super cute lollipop covered with a tissue, tied with a bow, looking like a ghost! A perfect idea for any gift, espically for Halloween! Enjoy!"

Wrap something in a tissue. This is fucking hard to do! Thank goodness I can pay someone for the service!

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Now, are you high? No? Well then these next 3 offers will do nothing for you:

Talking Chin Man
Talking Breasts
Psycho Ad

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"I will record a dirty message, as an old man, for people calling your voice mail for $5"

Description:
"I will call your voice mail and record a dirty message so that when friends call and you don't pick an old man will answer then explain how he is getting it on with you."

Yes, a dirty old man on message telling people how we're fucking. That will make me appear super-desirable and will surely impress any business contacts!

"I will turn you into a perv for $5"

Don't need the help, Thanks.

Rerun: Oh, the Possibilities!

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 20:57:00 +0000

I've been a bit busy working on the podcast and get back into doing voice-overs, so please enjoy this post from November of last year:

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When we last left off, random people thought they should do porn, and Fucktards were trying to see women naked by posting special "jobs".

This week...
OK, it's pretty similar.

Before I go on, I should clarify something. For those of you who think I scour an erotic section to bring you these ads: I'm certainly not above that, but that's simply not the case.

See run-of-the-mill pervs, wanna-be-pornographers and semi-professional pornographers have decided to jizz all over the "talent" section and post their "act in adult film" ads as they seem to think the transition from general actress to pornographic actress is a lateral one. ("Why, yes, I studied at Julliard, but once I auditioned for my 5th bikini commercial and Prostitute #6 part, I figured, what's the diff." Actually, I'm starting to see the pornographer's point.... Hey... Maybe the whole film industry is just a ruse, to move actors gradually into the porn industry... )

Enjoy:

Really? Really? They care if you have an education or can speak lines? Why? I mean, I know pornography is competitive but I'd hate to think people are going back to get their Masters to increase their chances in porn...

Extra work. Or porn work. The former you get fucked. The later...
OK, again, lateral.

I posted this here, not because the concept is preposterous (Well, it might be, but I had heard of it before). No, it's because I didn't understand what was required until about three quarters of the way through. And the image of "bikini cleaning" that also required a feather duster made me more nauseous than I have been in a while.

Of course I'll help you market! You people are innovators! The market is flooded with experienced performers and scenes where you see their faces when they're fucking! But you're taking a whole new approach! So brave and groundbreaking, I say! I got your marketing plan right here!

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Hotercise, Comic Crocs and More...

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 14:00:00 +0000

Today, we have a few wonderful things I've seen around town:

De-lightful.

Exercise just got a whole lot hotter!

As You Suck at Craigslist would say: Not. A. Toad.

Thank goodness! I was wonder if the pictures were people.

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Oh! Please! Somebody Call Super-Embalmer!

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 05 Mar 2012 15:00:00 +0000

You may know that one of my favorite things is when criminals come up with some bizarre excuse for their crimes. I posted about this topic before.

Here are a few new bafflers:

Here's an embalmer who stole gold-fillings out of the teeth of his corpses. He went to pawn brokers to get some cash for them and eventually, because the occurences were so frequent, the pawn brokers started to question him.

"One [pawn] broker said Kline told her that gold teeth were normally thrown away at mortuaries and he was selling them to raise money for needy children."

Holy fucking shit - really?! You're some type of Robin Hood who steals from the dead to give to the poor? When are they making a movie about you!

How'd he decide to go with this? Did he bypass the "for victimized puppies" and decide that was too implausible?

__

The next article concerns someone tormenting their female neighbor by posting a sex ad about her on Craigslist. Many people showed up at her home, but one accidentally went to another house, where he found a teenage girl. She told him he had the wrong place. He went to the "right" place, found out the ad was a hoax and returned to the teenage gal's home where he groped her and made lewd comments.

Here's the best part:

"Zeh told police that he was 'bored' when he decided to answer the Craigslist ad. He acknowledged that the button on his shorts had 'fallen off' and that his 'pubic hair and his erect penis could have been sticking out of his pants' when he walked into the teenager's residence."

Fucking happens all the time! I can't get through a full day without my pants opening and my cooter bidding adieu to some guy.

I kind of want these two guys to meet and to come up with some sort of super excuse, like they were masturbating in public to save children in India or defecating on a government desk to prevent nuclear annihilation.

--

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Rerun: Masterpiece Midget

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 27 Feb 2012 15:00:00 +0000

This is a rerun from last October. Enjoy.
Or listen to this episode I did of "Delicious Mediocrity"! Fun stuff. :)
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Midgets! Who wasn't waiting for a post about midgets?! And aren't they just the cutest, most quirky things?!

It seems that the need for midget performers has recently increased exponentially!

Now I understand (at 4'101/2") that I just barely avoid qualifying for this category. It's simply that I didn't realize midgets were in such demand!

I would like to think that, somehow, the film industry has evolved so that midgets are being cast to play roles that have them just being people rather than as a punchline.

But, if I actually believed that, I'd be a fucking moron.

So:

OK, so this is pretty clear...ish.

But what does the consultation look like? If they're looking for actors, they probably want to audition them - and that was, the last time I checked, free. (Although if the industry has since moved towards a "pay per audition" model, I wouldn't be too surprised.)

So what are they doing at this consultation?

Casting dude: "Hey there."
Midget guy: "Hi. I'm here for my free consultation."

Casting dude: "Yes, of course."
Midget guy: "Cheers."

Casting guy: "Step into my office." Closes door. "So... you're a midget."

Midget guy: "That's right."

Casting guy: "And you want to be an actor, is that correct?"

Midget guy: "Yes."

Casting guy: "You're fucked."

Midget guy: "Oh. OK. Yeah... See, I was wondering about that - but wasn't certain. I really appreciate the free input!"

Casting guy: "No worries. Here to help."

--

Next:

Midget strippers needed. Of course. All hanging out naked in an elevator? Or is the premise that they're all randomly stripping because the sprinklers somehow went off? I am trying to visualize this auteur's concept, but am coming up... short.

So, midgets who strip needed. Or something belonging to these people... The poster hasn't figured out possessive yet. Perhaps someone could offer him a free consultation on that?

--

Finally:

Details given after casting? How's that? I love applying for work - I don't care what it is! You tell me after! It's not a factor! I'm a midget! You say "Jump!", I say, "This is as high as I go, so fuck you."

And Holy Christ on a Cracker, this is specialized! It's more specific than the ad I saw asking for English and Polish speakers who were also ventriloquists!

I can just imagine the poor actress finally thinking she could audition for something. "Hey, I'm a midget and Asian! This ad is for me!" Reads ad: "Looking for an...

Overweight?!!!
Motherfuckers!!!"

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Following the podcast on Social Media	The podcast also has a social media presence (Facebook and Twitter):
Contacting me	Have some deranged stuff for me - or just want to say "Hello"? Feel free to contact me via email or using my personal Twitter.
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Thanks again!

Influential on Buttons, STDs and Transgender Antelopes

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 15:00:00 +0000

I've been giving some kudos on Klout lately (a site which measures influence online). Now, I like Klout. After all, they sent me on a trip this month (2DaysinSeattle, which was awesome. And how dare you presume that I can't be bought!) But I do find that the topics in which people are purported to influence are sometimes... inaccurate.

And, occasionally, also concerning.

Now, I can understand how the following has happened. This is the overview of our influence on the Twitter account for "The S&M Rants" podcast (@rantmehard).

Crime: sure. Grammar? I fuck up on that sometimes...? So maybe. Profanity. Yes, I swear. Perhaps I motivate people to swear more. (You're welcome.) As for McDonald's, well, I've got to say, I think that quite awesome, because it's clearly regarding this episode where I come to the defense of a murderer who was employed at McDonald's).

Here are some strange ones:

This is from Tim Henson's (of "Distorted View", one of my favorite podcasters) overview.

OK... He's in favor of hygiene, I guess?

And this is one for the funny Glen Tickle (a comedian who was on our show on Episode 34).

How exactly can you be influential on this topic? Can you convince someone to have diarrhea (as though some kind of a deranged hypnotist)?

And here's something from Shane Birley's overview. Shane's a good friend of mine (and my co-host on the podcast).

I thought I knew him well...

I like to envision that people were like, "Hey, that Adolph Hitler guys seems nice" - until they read Shane's tweets.

Now, here's something on mine - from my personal Twitter account.

So... I'm apparently influential to "Moms". I, a child-free person who believes in mandated sterilization for the stupid, inept and fucked up (so a good percentage of the population). And that's one of my more gentle views.

My only guess there is that my very existence has terrified them into not having children.

As to how to explain another item on this list... Well, I'll leave that up to you...

---
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Stranger Lovings, Birthday Beatings and Email Jesuses - Aka The Saddest Fiverr Offers

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 15:00:00 +0000

Sure, Fiverr has its share of useless proposals.

And vague ones - like a gal who "will possibly do something of your asking for $5"*. Don't delay|! Spend money to have someone maybe do something! What a steal!

And just plain strange offers - like drawing a face on an egg because... "you always wanted an egg with a funny face, but you aren't a really good painter, or you just didn't had the time". That's a pretty niche target audience...

But how about sad ads. And not just kind of sad. But, like, you can't be aware of this shit and still want to live, sad.

E.g. for $5:

You can pretend you have a friend! A stranger will have a drink with you via Skype or will agree with you while you vent for 15 minutes. "

You can have a stranger tell you how much he loves and believes in you:

(Well... I think we found something as depressing than the "Cheers to You!" tapes...)

You can send a Happy Birthday to someone you...
I dunno.

"I will sing happy bitrhday all crazy like this following vid. I will even give my self a black eye(fake)"

How? Wha?! How will that work?

"I didn't want to say Happy Birthday, but your boyfriend beat me until I did. So happy birthday, enjoy your dinner with him!"
You can have your own personal Jesus.

Someone to hear your prayers
Someone who cares
Someone who uses Adobe

__

*Thanks Corey for telling me about this :) !

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Rerun: "The Shadow Dupes!"

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 21:33:00 +0000

OK, I totally screwed up here and neglected to get a post up... So here's a rerun from last fall to tide you over until next week.

---

My computer (the second one I've purchased in less than 2 years) appears to be dying and I needed some cheering up. I turned to iStock, hoping another search for "Sexual Harassment" photos might do the trick. It so did.

This one (entitled "Sexual harasssment hand" and taken by jerax) appears to be best suited for an 80s sitcom possibly called:

"Heeyyyy, We're Sexually Harassing!"

--

This one ("Sexual Harassment" by jamirae)...

...is not actually as baffling as its description which reads:

"a woman sitting on a desk and making a sexual harassment advance towards a young businessman.
(note: a fictitious resume is on the desk, under his hand. it is a made up resume)"

Uh, no.

I can't very well go into an audition, do the reading and then tell them: "You may not have noticed, but I had a goldfish placed inside my trousers to represent the character's need for companionship."

Likewise, if we can't determine an element from the photo, it is immaterial. It's a fucking PHOTOGRAPH - the whole point is to tell a story visually.

You take the photo and then you step away. Your artistic notes about intent and subtext are completely useless to the purchaser of the photo, because if it's not obvious, it's not like he/she will still purchase and then place an explanation note in every publication about what is really meant to be happening in the photo.

"This photo was appropriate for our manual, 'Human Resources: Performing Efficient Background Checks', as the photographer has pointed out that the resume in the photo is fake."

--

Finally, I present:

"Sexual harassment in the office" by 4x6

Look, Ladies, if you're trying to pick up a book that only exists in a shadow, you're pretty much lambs to the slaughter.

--

Thanks for reading!

There's More iStock weirdness on these posts:
Check out "The S&M Rants" (my comedy podcast) at RantMeHard (try episode 34 or 35)
More about me at: http://about.me/monicahamburg

Make Something Very Dangerous. Just for Fun.

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 15:00:00 +0000

I recently spent some time exploring the interestingness on Fiverr.

If you haven't heard of the site, it's basically a place where people post an ad of something they'll do for $5. There are some cool offers, of course. And then there are the strange...

I'm not sure which option is more depressing:

That you would:
1) Want to make your equally immature girlfriend jealous
2) Get an ego boost from having someone you paid to compliment you, complimenting you.

Yes, I can't see this going wrong in any way...

As is often the case, I understood nothing here. But, I did look it up and found out that it was a effectively a whip you make using a towel.

Since the seller is teaching me to make something, I have to assume he's never heard of the internet. But... Fiverr is on...

It's just... well, when you search the term "towel rat tail"...

All the fucking results tell you how to make it...

Oh, I see! He's catering to the stupid. Well, then, you'll do great, Sir. Proceed.

Well it is almost Valentine's Day!

--

---
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Rerun: "Save the World, Make a Scratcher!"

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 16:53:00 +0000

Back with a new post next week. Enjoy this post from the summer.

P.S. Episode #34 of the podcast ("The S&M Rants") entitled "What's the answer? Get Naked! What's the question? Who cares!" was one of my favorites yet. And Episode #35 was pretty entertaining too. Check them out at RantMeHard.com.

--

When I was a kid, I was pretty fucking annoying. I was certain I'd soon be a star and I'd sign any yearbook handed to me with: "Save this signature! I'll be famous someday!" I've auditioned for everything from Euro music bands to tampon commercials and my resume consist of a series of failed projects in which I play some variant of "Slut #6". And yet I still can't help but feel superior to the dude who faked his kid's balloon disappearance for his own shot at fame.

See, I assumed that jail put a damper on his desperate pursuit for attention. But, alas, the aroma of public humiliation has proven too intoxicating...

Now he's an "inventor" who "stars" in his own "commercials" (that last one might technically not need the quotation marks, but give me a second.)

See, as far as I understand it, an ad is supposed to get you want to buy the product, and there's nothing that sells a product better than leaving your viewers pondering: "I'm almost tempted to purchase this insane and pointless object for the novelty but I'm concerned to send him my payment for fear that once he knows my address, he'll break in to find something to pawn off for his crack... (Also, is trading them in for drugs the threat he used to ~~motivate~~ force his ~~child~~ hostage to sing the theme song?)"

Then there's the "about" page which contends:

"Most of Richard's inventions are geared to make life easier for people or to save lives".

Quite a discrepancy there. I developed a padded toilet seat and a vaccine for syphilis .

I don't actually see how any of his products fit the lifesaving category... A device to help lift boxes or a back scratcher? "My son was so close to succumbing to terminal itch! God bless you, Richard Heenie!"

You might also want to check out what he considers funny videos (e.g.) or delight in the testimonials page - which gives me a flashback...

I recall a project years ago for which I declined to audition (that says it all, really, as my standards have been stunningly low). I later checked its website and discovered a "testimonials" page where 90% were not only uncomplimentary but also off topic. There was one that was, "Hey, my brother's sick, so I can't help you with the project. Good luck, tho" and another which read, "I lent you $5. I understand you may not have it now, but I hope you intend to pay me back when you do."

Heenie's page is a bit better - but it's probably only due to the fact that there are merely two "testimonials" - neither of which extol the virtues of the product itself...

"My two Bear Scratches arrived today and look good - so much so that I've just ordered six more!
Several of my relatives and a few friends are getting Bear Scratches for Christmas this year, hence my big order. They're all hard to buy things for, so this is perfect."

You've ordered the product because you're broke and your family will soon hate you. A ringing endorsement indeed.

Next up:

"Hey, I just wanted to let your whole family know that I support you! America is really a tough place to live and succeed. Our kids will be burdened with trillions of dollars in debt and taxes. Nobody is going to have an easy go of it! I really thought your Bear Scratch would be a perfect Xmas gift this season. I truly hope you and your family are doing fine.

The way I look at it, all I see is that ALL your children LOVE you and your wife! And what you are trying to do in this life is to PROVIDE for them! I understand all of that! Your kids, because of your LOVE for them, will not turn up all screwed up like some of these other celebrity kids. My hat goes out to you and I am happy to buy your Bear Scratch product!"

This reads like the letter some guy sends over before he shoots up his office.

---
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Win-Win-Puke

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 14:00:00 +0000

At a loss for funny, I went to Craigslist - and, low and behold, the well has been filled.

I now present to you the following generous offers:

1) Sex-free sex-work!

I used to think that regular John's were pathetic. Now, if I believe this poster, there's some kind of market for naked asexual cuddling. Which is only marginally less gross, but possibly far sadder....

2) Sex with Benefits!

Dude, dude. Slow down. What kind of software?

3) Helpful Stranger and Future Deadbeat Dad

Ah, so this is one of those win-win situations.

No, wait, there's just one win.

---
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Gets Rid of Your Negative Energy and Any Semblance of Sanity

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 14:00:00 +0000

Happy New Year! Before I begin my rant, here's a really satisfying convo on Google+ I came across:

And now to the (main) fucktardedness:

The best way to get money, I've realized, is to invent something that can exclusively be targeted to idiots. I'm not referring to the "___ to Dummies" series of books etc. but to products that only complete morons with no life-skills or awareness would purchase.

Such as:

At 0:13:
Holy shit! I'd get it out of my home and give it to a Republican candidate.

At 0:32: "Award-winning artist and color therapist."
At least those 2 terms (while hilarious) go OK together. (Unlike this combo of "forklift driver and artist".)

At 0:43: "...the kind of experiences.... have never been documented in non-fiction".
There's a reason for that.

2:03 It's a bestseller?!! A fucking bestseller?! What am I wasting my time doing?! I must write an account of that night I was enslaved by a group of angry and horny robots!

And... for $197 you can buy one of those pendants to protect you and your dog against negative energy! Make sure you get one once you finish placing your Skymall orders!

Finally, in case you wanted to feel good about society (or my chose career paths), there's this:

What?! This is fucking impossible!

Do you expect me to believe you're not also Jewish?!

I actually wonder why he felt the need to add that ethnicity/nationality information in there. Is it supposed to lend some sort of credibility? Safety...?

It reminds me of the time I couldn't get a cab at 3am one night. A car pulled over with 4 guys who offered me a ride. Not one to chance a possible gang rape, I said, "Thank you, I appreciate it, but no."

To which one of the guys replied, in complete seriousness, "Don't worry, we're Greek."

Because that helps.

Sigh. This Craiglist ad is just further proof that I just don't know how to make money.

---
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Rerun: "Come on! That is NEVER going to... Oh."

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 14:00:00 +0000

Back next week. Enjoy this post from May.
--

This week's post is dedicated to fucktarded plans.
That somehow, incredibly, worked*.

Desire: I'd like to steal milk.
Obstacle: I need to not be noticed while doing so.
Solution: I'll dress as a cow.

"The 18-year-old milk bandit apparently pilfered the milk from the Garrisonville Wal-Mart around 10:30pm, Tuesday (April 26), crawling as he exited the store, mimicking the movements of cattle."

I...
Wha...
Wha?!!!

Now this would be a motherfucking shockingly stupid idea even if it occurred at a farm because cows produce milk and so don't need to acquire a bottled version. But, let's say in an imaginary world, there was a cow that wanted its darn milk back (and had opposable digits and the dexterity to swipe the containers). But this happened at Wal-Mart... where, as I understand it, cows don't generally roam free. Nevertheless the "cow" was able to get the products out of the store.

"Eyewitnesses say a short time later the thief was seen handing over the stolen dairy products to another individual outside the Wal-Mart"

And that's where the plan fell apart. Because a cow may lift milk out of a Wal-Mart. But he sure as hell isn't going to then hand them over to a human! Let's get real: Everyone knows cows just don't do that sort of shit.

Desire: I want to masturbate on a school bus while I'm watching kids.
Obstacle: I can't be noticed doing so. How can I blend in?
Additional Obstacle: I am a 53-year old man.
Solution: I'll wear a backpack.

"Michael Charles Friedrichs was carrying a backpack and posing as a student when he got onto the bus at 42nd Street and Longfellow Avenue S. about 7 a.m. March 17, according to police spokesman Sgt. William Palmer."

What the hell happened here? How does a 53-year old man magically pass as a child because he's sporting a backpack? (Was the bus driver this dude?) Does one simply need a prop or costume item for these kinds of ruses? Let's say I was wearing a mawashi, could I pass myself off as a sumo wrestler?

Wait, I'm not being fair here. Maybe the guy looks absurdly youthful and is the size of a jockey.

OK, I found a picture of the guy:

And, for reference, here's what a teenager looks like:

Uncanny.

--

Originally heard about:

Cow - on Wish I Didn't Know

Backpacked Man - on Fark

---
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Rerun: "A Knife? Well, at Least He Didn't Use an Ax - Then I'd Rule Him Out."

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 14:00:00 +0000

Taking a short break from the blog over the holidays. In the meantime, enjoy this post from April.
--
Several years ago, I met some gals in a random situation and they were kind enough to invite me to go out for drinks with them. This was very exciting, because I was still new to the city and was having a very difficult time making friends.

Eventually the following conversation occurred:

Girl #1
“So how was your date last night with that guy?”

Girl #2
"He’s a nice guy! Especially considering he’s been to jail."

Me
"Oh."

Girl #1
"For what?"

Girl #2
"Armed Robbery."

Girl #1
"Oh, that’s fine. It’s not like it’s rape or anything."

Girl #2
"Oh, yeah! Well if it was rape I wouldn’t even be considering it."

I had two basic thoughts then. One: "And another potential friendship bites the dust...". The other was, "WTF?! How low are your standards?!"

Armed robbery. That's... not impressive. And "not a rapist" is setting a very, very low bar.

"Hey, my new guy is an arsonist!"
"That's cool - at least he's not a rapist".
Or
"I'm not going out with that guy: he doesn't have a job, he drinks all the time and he pees himself regularly"
"Jenny, Come on! At least he's not a rapist."

Which brings me to my ultimate rant topic. People who date murderers. Every time I hear about a news item where some murderer has a paramour, I feel like breaking something (preferably over the lover's head).

Because I've made alot of poor choices in my life, but I draw my line at dating people who have proven to be able to kill someone else - and might end up murdering me. Yeah, that's just how I roll. Call me paranoid.

Here's a case in Australia where a guy who had already killed a previous lover by strangling him during sex, has now accidentally (?) killed another guy in the same way... *

"prosecutors won the unusual right to tell the Supreme Court jury about the first erotic killing as proof that he knew about the risks."

In fairness, if I was this dude's partner, my expectation would be that since he'd killed someone before during rough play, he'd be super-careful about how he did things from that point forward. But, you know, when you assume, you make a corpse out of you.

On a furious lark, I then Googled "murderer kills girlfriend" (because, statistically, it's usually women) and got the following gem - about a fucktard who killed his girlfriend during a conjugal visit in his German prison.

Why was he in prison in the first place?

"Klaus-Dieter H., 50, who had been in jail for 19 years for raping and beating to death a nine-year-old girl..."

OMG! Dreamy!

Now, I would like to point out that his girlfriend, who he planned to marry when he was released, was a single mom. I have no idea the age or gender of her child, but you know, way to use your best judgment, Lady.

OK, so they allowed the couple unsupervised visits - and the last one they had (of 6 hours) they opened the door to the room to discover that she had been stabbed to death. Now people are enraged by the "lax security at the prison". I really could care less, and was a little surprised at the outrage. But then I read the following quote from the prison director:

"We definitely didn't think he was capable of that."

Hold up. Are you shitting me?!

I'd think it fair if he had said, "I never thought anyone'd be stupid enough to be involved with and wish to spend time alone with a child rapist and murder, so we thought, hey, if you're this reckless, you'll end up dead sooner or later and we figured we'd help hasten the process along."

But you "never thought this could happen"?! I could have guessed this could happen. And I'm the person who watches even the most inane mysteries and unless the killer is actually sporting a tattoo with the words "Look at me, I'm the freaking murderer!!!", I'll have no clue until the film's conclusion.

Now, apparently, the gal was planning on splitting up with him during this visit.

And while I'm usually against breaking up via email, I think I'd make the exception in this case.

Perhaps:

"Dear Klaus,

I was all set to marry you. I overlooked the child rape and murder - I make an effort not to hold extreme brutality and sadism against someone.

It was your cell's condition that troubled me. I thought: 'Do I really want to bring a man into my house who can't keep even his one room tidy. What kind of example does that set for my child?'"

---
*I heard about this one on Distorted View. Which excuses my cruel sense of humor in no way.

---
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Mistake #612 - "Not Fetching the Paper"

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 14:00:00 +0000

So, I found a few other random iPhone apps. They are arguably not as useless as the last one I discovered which alerts people via email that you're being assaulted.

But they are, nonetheless, still ridiculous:

Oh! It's time to spend time making that pizza that I'll never get to eat!

... in reality.

And I can purchase toppings for it.

Rather than spend money for the same food item I can actually consume...

I think the first reviewer is very fake hungry.

--

I love this app because its purports to be a helpful guide for women to perform better in the sack...

But it soon becomes clear that these are not common tips...

And more like the fellow's own endless list of peeves...

Is the "the dog" a euphemism?

And how does the "not touching him directly" happen?

I think I understand why she's crying.

And like that honesty is something the author does in expectation of a blow job...

I really should purchase this app, just to see what could possibly have remained to be said in the "Afterthoughts".

---
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Play it Again, (Re)Captcha

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 14:00:00 +0000

I'm not sure what sort of racial profiling was going on here but I admit I'm kind of flattered the Captcha thought I understood Hebrew. Truth be told, I couldn't read those letters after 8+ years of Jewish school (and it's the reason I was finally, mercifully, kicked out of that fucking horrible institution. Not that I have any lingering issues or anything). And so it's pretty unlikely that my knowledge has increased over time.

Besides directly confusing us, Captchas also seem to have some interesting opinions and messages to impart:

I've known a few of those, yes.

How exactly can one do that? And, more importantly, why would anyone want to?

Is this a hoarding thing? How many cats does Thomas own?

Captcha, your joke structure needs considerable work.

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Bullnuts Roasting by an Open Fire

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 14:00:00 +0000

It's nearly Christmas and you know how much I enjoy helping you make excellent Yuletide purchasing decisions.

Again, you can easily thank me by not sending me any of these.

The Cuff

According to the description, it's "recycled" and the "ultimate eco-accessory". Which appears to mean, "I had this shit lying around. And I figured, rather than throw it out, I'd tie it around my wrist and call it an accessory. My next plan involves: a necklace made of canvas tote straps™.)"

Woody Allen Earrings

More concerning than the fact that someone actually made this creepy product in the first place, is that the description notes that the creator has "20+ years of artistic experience".

I really don't think you should be admitting that, Dear.

How about you revise as:

"Just randomly decided yesterday to try my hand at jewelry-making as my 6-year-old niece needed help with a school project. We didn't have much around except some celebrity magazines from the 90's so this is what we made. It took me 5hrs (we're both developmentally challenged. Well, it hasn't been documented, but it's a fair assumption! lol ). So I figured I'd charge $21!"

Kangaroo Scrotum Bottle Opener

On a lark, (because this is how a childfree gal in her late 30s entertains herself) I decided to search eBay for "scrotum" products. I hit the mother... sack. Here are just two I encountered:

I have spent my whole life dreaming of this invention! I can barely contain myself. It's not only the nutsack of a dead animal - it also helps you open wine! I must create the infomercial for this!

And, if you buy now, we'll also throw in one of these:

Bulls Scrotum Drink Holder

Nothing says tasty libation to me more than the words "bull scrotum".

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Oh, the Possibilities!

noreply@blogger.com (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 14:00:00 +0000

When we last left off, random people thought they should do porn, and Fucktards were trying to see women naked by posting special "jobs".

This week...
OK, it's pretty similar.

Before I go on, I should clarify something. For those of you who think I scour an erotic section to bring you these ads: I'm certainly not above that, but that's simply not the case.

See run-of-the-mill pervs, wanna-be-pornographers and semi-professional pornographers have decided to jizz all over the "talent" section and post their "act in adult film" ads as they seem to think the transition from general actress to pornographic actress is a lateral one. ("Why, yes, I studied at Julliard, but once I auditioned for my 5th bikini commercial and Prostitute #6 part, I figured, what's the diff." Actually, I'm starting to see the pornographer's point.... Hey... Maybe the whole film industry is just a ruse, to move actors gradually into the porn industry... )

Enjoy:

Extra work. Or porn work. The former you get fucked. The later...
OK, again, lateral.

Of course I'll help you market! You people are innovators! The market is flooded with experienced performers and scenes where you see their faces when they're fucking! But you're taking a whole new approach! Fucking brave and groundbreaking, I say! I got your marketing plan right here!

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Following the podcast on Social Media	The podcast also has a social media presence (Facebook and Twitter):
Contacting me	Have some deranged stuff for me - or just want to say "Hello"? Feel free to contact me via email or using my personal Twitter.
Promoting	As always, I could use your help promoting this blog - so if you like this post, please "like" it, "+1" it re: Google+ (buttons below) or send it to a friend (or publicize in any other way you like! :)

Thanks again!