Monica Hamburg Presents: Your Dose of Lunacy

Three's Creeping Me Out

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 13:00:00 +0000

It's time for the "WTF?!! game", lovelies!

For each of these finds, you'll be asked some questions.

Let's begin!

Here we have a porn film which purports to parody the 80s sitcom "Three's Company".

(Warning: link will take you to the very NSFW porn site)

Now we've established how I feel about porn parodies. For the sake of argument, I can (sort of) see the appeal here. Jack possibly screwing the two girls was the constant (and possibly only) joke in the show. And I can almost get into it, because the image of Jack Tripper (drool) having sex with Terri (drool) is, shall we say, pleasant. But, if you dare to click on the pic above you will see that there's another couple explicitly getting it on. And that would be... Mr & Mrs. Roper who

- sorry, back from vomiting now - are probably the last fictional couple on earth I want to envision having sex.

"Movies you can't find anywhere else". Yes, that's a good thing.

So question #1: Who is the target audience for this scene?

Can you think of anyone who would want to see this? Perhaps a TV addict who, some 20 years later, remains traumatized by the characters' deranged relationship and desperately needs closure? ("Awww, Mr & Mrs. Roper only seemed dysfunctional - in reality he loved her and was very sexually responsive! Finally, I can stop taking my Paxil!")

Next we have this fellow.

(click on pic to go to the full post)

A gay fellow who collects Nazi dolls. And, according to him, they are also "gay Nazi dolls".

So Question #2:

The Nazis were:
(choose one)

a) Quite supportive of homosexual activities
b) So super gay they played Liberace as their theme and wore pride-colored cock rings.
c) not fond of homosexuals.

Question #3: (Answer any or all of these:) How many problems do you see with this fellow? And what are they? Is his family wrong? Why are all his potential suitors running away? Why does no one want to play with him?

Finally, this video still haunts me. Sometimes, at night, I can still hear the ottoman screaming.
Question #4 is simply, WTF?!! (Oh & also, what is your favorite moment? Mine was at 1:50)

[Found this on the Why Women Hate Men blog]

___

For more "games" try this how many do you know game and this fill-in-the blank one.

Communicate, Curse or Sue - It's All Up to You!

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 13:00:00 +0000

Several years ago, I took a trip to LA to visit a friend and stave off a nervous breakdown. At one point we got on a bus and had the option of taking 2 empty seats near either:

1) two extremely drunk bikers who kept falling over each other in increasingly compromising ways
2) an odd-looking gentleman reading "How to Use Black Magic to Get Women".

The latter seemed a less overtly dangerous decision and we sat next to the wanna-be-pervy-Harry Potter. But after a few glances at us (which seemed to confirm that his book's techniques had worked) we weren't sure we had made the wisest choice.

I was reminded of that fellow, when I encountered this blog post from "...a Sorcerer, Cartomancer, Astrologer, Geomancer" etc.:

1) Can someone please explain this one to me. Apparently this guy is some kind of sorcerer who can cast spells and curse people, yet he needs legal services? I'm sure there's some joke here about even the devil needing a lawyer, but I'm still confused.

2) I keep trying to picture what kind of employee he must have been... What do you think his position was? Do you think his firing had anything to do with the mutilated frog decor on his desk?

Or perhaps it was simply that he and his employer were not quite communicating effectively. Perhaps they needed some training at

I challenge you to stay conscious... for.... the length...of this video...

[If you can't see the video, please click here]

But the true wonderfulness can be found on the contact page where they state:

"The problem with having a School of Conscious Communication is that there can be a great expectation that we will be good communicators. While this is the goal and the ideal, it is the errors in communication and the feedback that results, where adjustments can be made to reach that high standard. If errors are continually made it is a great opportunity to make a new customere service communication tool."

This is the best disclaimer ever! I am so going to use this for my business too!

"The problem with being a social media marketer is that there is an expectation that I can help you promote your product. While this is the goal and they ideal, should I fuck up in great way, it can present a tremendous opportunity for us! If I keep fucking up it becomes an even better opportunity! See where this is going? My fuck ups are helping you! Win-win!"

_____ _____ ______

I recently did a fun interview with the Casual Encounters blog. Check it out here.

Caterpillars Got Me Fired!

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 12:00:00 +0000

[click on the pic to read more & thanks, hat tip Lyal]

Are you freaking serious?!! Uh, it's called MOSQUITO REPELLENT, Buttmuch!

So, apparently, there is some dude, who was such a target for mosquitoes - that, in spite of his best efforts, it derailed his social life and relationships. And yet, rather than move to an area that had fewer mosquitoes, he spent thousands of dollars and countless hours trying to find a cure.

Completely plausible. Go on.

"Just imagine for only $7 you will get all my secrets on how to keep mosquitoes from every biting you in the first place as well as my time tested “super secret mosquito formula”.

You are a generous, generous individual. Apparently, the suffering you endured all but ruined your life, until you discovered this secret - but others suffering in this manner should pay you to end their torment.

"You will break the chains that mosquitoes hold over you. "

These are big & kinky mosquitoes...

"I think everybody that reads this letter is shocked by this point. When they find out that I sell this report for only $7 dollars instead of $27.00 or $37.00 or even more."

You had me at "shocked".

"If you are not willing to invest seven dollars for a chance to get rid of your mosquito itch forever then I am preaching to the wrong congregation and I wish you all of the best."

Translation: My point is to scam you into spending $7. You may not be stupid enough to fall for this. If that's the case, I want to make sure you know it's your fault if you continue to suffer.

"There is no worry of the directions being difficult or hard to follow, If you can make Jell-o™, you can make my secret formula that instantly kills your mosquito itch and puts you well on the way to healing without any inflammation or misery. "

This reminds me of the assumption in this Skymall ad. Let me clarify something for you, dickwipe: if they are stupid enough to have read this far without pissing themselves laughing, I am assuming that, no, they do not have the brainpower to follow Jell-o directions and that they are likely the people the moronic warnings on packages are designed for.

In fact, I have a sneaking suspicion that the people who are tempted to purchase your "secret report" may in fact attempt to follow the Jell-o directions only to find themselves, hours later, staring through strawberry gelatin from inside their fridge.
___

Marketing tip: Perhaps they can offer this report along with guide to stop masturbating...

No More Rice-A-Roni, No More Shake 'n Bake

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 13:00:00 +0000

[click here if you don't see the video above link & thank you Internet Lurker for this awesomeness]

1) Thanks, buddy, for listing all the items a person could conceivably eat.

2) I appreciate that you convinced a woman who has clearly already gone over to the other side to join you in singing this ditty.

3) There's every chance that the items described contribute to an early demise... If the point is to join your savior early - go for it. Soda Pop? Beef Stew? Pork Chops? For breakfast?

4) Teacher! Teacher! What if you die before breakfast?

5) What the fuck is the point of the song? (Beside being the worst downer I've heard musically since Shaggy's "It Wasn't Me".) That one day we won't be here? I have a great idea for another song. It's called "One day your car's not gonna start and they'll be no one around to give you a boost."

6) I really hope this show airs in the morning. If you're masochistic enough to listen to this guy in the am you deserve to be suicidal for the rest of the day.

And while you're depressed, let's think about what this dinner would be like...

[click on the pic to enlarge]

Let me see if I understand you, "Big Smoke Up Your Ass". You don't bother with your own offspring, but now you're lonely. Rather than deal with your daughter's issues - or accept that you don't have that relationship, you want to enlist someone to pretend to be your daughter for one night. Of course, it's important that she like the arts and a pic of her might be useful too (who wants to have an unattractive pretend daughter, after all?)

Sadly, there is no way to flag a Craigslist post as: "Complete Asshat"...

Now, I'm not in the business of depressing people (actually, I'm not quite sure what business I am in) - so I prefer to leave you with the following:

[click here if you don't see the video]

I make no sense. You are fuched up. Wanna meet?

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 13:00:00 +0000

Title: "My Wife Cheated me your Husband is Cheater Too let's Meet Discreetly - m4w - 45"

[click on the pic to enlarge]

Jesus - what?! Do I get a cookie if I can decode this mess?

1) Your wife cheated on you by "doing" sex with a man who is better endowed than you. A word to the wise, if this is true, announcing it might not help with your new mission.
2) She, in your (likely fictional) Mercedes, used a high-tech camera to have sex with this guy (perhaps this is some sort of medical fetish, I can't be certain)
3) How will having sex with you solve the problem of my cheating husband, pray tell?
4) Who doesn't need sex laughter?

See, this is the brilliance of Craigslist - pick the city you live in, then take a look at the people wanting casual sex and the interesting ways they go about looking for it. Not only will you be privy to a fascinating underbelly of activity, but the best part is that you could be attending the same screening as the guy wanting to jack off after "Terminator: Salvation!"

Or you can (as you've noticed) discover that people are fantasizing about things that you'd never really thought about.

Such as:

Title: "Naked Haircut - m4w"

[click on the pic to enlarge]

There? Where? Is there a naked hair salon in town? Or since everyone can be naked, can we all go to a nude beach as long I make sure that someone present will be a licensed stylist?

But, once again, I've come across something that makes the above poster look chaste and normal. I don't understand anything about the ad below. Not one sentence.

[click on the pic to enlarge]
qru86z2fk4

Technorati Profile

I Feel So Enlightened Now

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 13:00:00 +0000

Whenever I see a genre in the video store like "Erotic Thriller" I want to weep, since I know it will likely achieve neither. As far as I'm concerned, people who watch these films are simply too embarrassed to just give in and rent/watch porn.

I'm also confused when porn films have a story. I'm not sure how many have an actual plot, since as soon as I see someone clothed talking in a porn film, my finger is fast-forwarding faster than it's capable of doing anything else.

I simply cannot comprehend why these films need any background. I'm not trying to learn about these characters lives (What is the character's daily existence like beyond this film? Did she go grocery shopping that morning? What brought her to the point where she wished to have sex with that guy with the tats?)

Still, this story thing obviously appeals to some, so I digress... Here are just 2 particularly odd genres/concepts I've come across (no pun intended. No really, none.) in my "journeys".

A porn/spoof:

[Click on picture to enlarge]

Oh it's "hilarious", is it?! Well that's what I need in my erotic material, don't know about you...

"Oh, damn, that is funny!!! I'll have to make a mental note to masturbate once I stop laughing."

But what about this film which claims to have a:

[Click on picture to enlarge]

Oh gooood. 'Cause that's why I watch porn - for the scathing social commentary...

Watch Yo Kids

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 10:00:00 +0000

(This is Part 2 in this series. Part 1 is here.)

So more about this Alexyss woman. She scares me. It doesn't take long for her to get out of control. I am only thankful we do not live in the same city. One can imagine going to a coffee shop and having her utterly freak out because her latte was not made to perfection.

Here she is asking some leading questions and then taking massive offense at a come-on(?). Or something.

[Please click here if you can't see the video]

Now, I learn from these videos, I must say. I now know what a "Bust it Baby" is. No, wait, still no clue.

And here's her making what could have been a (half) useful warning about the risk of trusting your kids to strangers into a rant that is over-paranoid, utterly inflated and infinitely more perverse than anything anyone would consider doing with your children.

[You can click here if you can't see the video]

The "Hide & Seek" part was my favorite. I can only imagine how that game is played.

I hope she gets a letter from the pervert advocates.

Save Yo Self

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 10:00:00 +0000

Every week the Casual Encounter's blog publishes a Weekly Round Up of links which tend to have something fun and wacky to amuse - er, I mean "traumatize" - me.

That's where I discovered this woman.

Meet Alexyss. She is special. She is raunchy. She is unbalanced.

In fact, she's so crazy that I am devoting 2 posts just to her (the 2nd will be published tomorrow).

Her most notable quality is that she has the uncanny ability to go from zero to irate in 2 seconds flat. About anything. At all. As an added bonus, her rants are about as linear as a high-speed race course and she is badly in need of an in-house editor. And some therapy. Actually lots of therapy.

But she's on YouTube instead, so enjoy - or be frightened. It's your choice.

(Try to watch about 2 minutes)

[Please click here if you can't see the video]

She's in business gear in this video. It doesn't make things classy. It's just kind of wrong. Like having Andrew Dice Clay show up to your company meeting. Or a Jehovah Witness ask if you want a pamphlet, then flashing you.

According to this rant, women apparently have some serious disease where they succumb to the "Power of the Penis". If this was true, every casual encounter dude who posts a penis pic rather than his face would have his inbox crash from the overload of eager potential partners.

I sent this gal's video to Chris who proceeded to find more and more nutso stuff from her. Which produced a dilemma - see I try to "build up" in my posts, usually going from wacky, to wackier and then wackiest - but since her videos are almost all completely batshit, this proved an insurmountable task.

So I'll just move on to pointing out that she has her own social network on Ning. Don't let me stop you from joining.

And a YouTube channel (which contains 173 rants - I mean "videos") and has an autoplay track which. never. ends.

By now it may have occurred to you that Fran Drescher has a lovely voice. And that Howard Stern is a model of self-restraint. And that Jerry Falwell seems rational.

But you ain't seen nothing yet. I won't even challenge you to be able to make it to the end of this video. Or give you bonus points if you can do it without gagging.

I couldn't. And I don't think anyone needs to go any further than 1:58 seconds into this video. You've been warned.

[You can click here if you can't see the video]

I have no idea why, if she needs to address this matter at all, a simple "Shower effectively" won't suffice. Instead she comes up with a variety of intricate things a man should do to make his areas more hygienic. She only stops short of suggesting the use of power tools.

I often feel sorry for actors. This was the first time it occurred to me that cameramen experience suffering too.

Things that Confuse Me Part 2821

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 18:00:00 +0000

After all, there's nothing more attune with conservation than shooting animals for sport.

Translation Software Knows Culture

I'm a 1rst generation Canadian (the rest of my family was born in Hungary). My last trip to the old country was a nightmare of rudeness, psychosis and insensitivity. (And that was just my family - Rimshot!)

And so I was impressed by the intuitiveness of this program which clearly understood my experience:

Say, this reminds me of another fun discovery.

How... Romantic?

I can't stomach romance novels (and films, for that matter). I find them painfully unrealistic and pretty sexist to boot. But this title made me feel particularly nauseous.

I tried not to even imagine the "plot" - but before posting, I figured I should look it up (for research purposes, once again)

"Leandro Carrera Marquez, Duque de Sandoval, was as aristocratic, proud and arrogant as his name…and darkly handsome in an impossible, breathtaking way. What would this billionaire Spanish banker want with a struggling, impoverished waitress like Molly?But Leandro did want Molly—and he took her, accidentally making her pregnant with his child. In Leandro's traditional world, there was only one option—marry the mother of his heir. "

Sigh... But here's where Amazon's recommendation engine works its magic:

But of course...

Wait, wait, I think I get it...

Ah, no, still lost...

From this(very NSFW)site.

Your Confusion Turns Me On

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 25 May 2009 13:00:00 +0000

Since the majority of my time is spent online, I come across plenty of the bizarre. Now, admittedly, it may be not all that much more odd than what I encounter daily on public transit, but I digress.

Jerk off on this guy's kid's model train set and then snack on some imitation crab meat?
(It hurt me just to write that sentence.)

I must say, this would be such a disappointing offer if the recipient was allergic to seafood.

I can just see him reading the ad with increasing excitement:

"Jerking off on train’ Perfect!"
"‘Not gay’ Excellent!"
"‘Stomp Around’ I’m lovin’ it!"
"'Take the crab meat…” Aw, crap. Guess, I’ll move on to the other ads now.”

Frankly, I'd love to take the poster up on his offer but I'm too busy slathering my body with peanut butter and rubbing myself against my nephew's Nintendo while watching clown porn.

Ah, Sundays...

And then there's this tempting offer that my friends (who, I'm assuming, would prefer I not mention them on this blog) found on Craigslist the other night:

OK, let me get this straight: You want to pay for someone's breakfast in return for anal sex, which means one of 3 things:

You're kidding & are my new best friend
You're the lowest form of human fucktard exploitation motherfucker around
You have no concept of how the market works

Assuming the case is #3, let's look at this objectively:

You want: Anal sex from a stranger - which, to put it mildly, is a risky proposition.

You are providing: A Bon's breakfast - a greasy meal valued at $2.99

I want: A Ducati motorcycle with satellite navigation system

I am providing: A pen.

Oh wait, just noticed there's hash included. I take it all back.

If You Can Decode, You Can Apply!

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Tue, 19 May 2009 16:11:00 +0000

Who wouldn't want this job?

[Click on pic to enlarge, for full-sized brilliance]

I'm going to try and decipher this one - but I need your help... I may not be accurate in my translation - so please let me know what you see in this ad.

Before we proceed, however, do note that there are no less than 7 circumstances under which they tell you not to apply (as if it weren’t a forgone conclusion anyhow). Amazingly, one is: "if you are not planning on reading this whole job ad" - as if anyone could even if they wanted to!

My favorite was “If you CAN NOT self sa…DO NOT APPLY”.

Fortunately, I can self satisfy fine.

Now, onto the decoding.

Do not apply:

"If you have NOT bee a Assisa o a busiess/pesoal level... If you have NOT woked o a MAC o a daily basis fo a leas 2 yeas ad DO NOT kow EXCEL AND WORD like he back of you had...If you CAN NOT self sa... IF you ae NOT ype A pesoaliy"

If you have not been to Asia on a business or personal level... If you have not worked at a McDonald's on a daily basis for at least 2 years... do not know Excel and words like the back of you had been self satisfied... if you are not a hyper pescotarian...

Your duties will consist of:

hadlig he mase caleda
sog compue ad iee eseach skills.
fo flexibiliy
I i fo he log haul
ad ejoy he admiisaive challeges of suppoig a small office

handling the mayan calendar
song, computer and iee (internal electronic education) e-search skills
fo flexibility for no mo money
Able to log haul
and enjoy permissive challenges of supple small orfices (perhaps that's not what they're alluding to, but after reading this far can you blame me if I'm losing it...?)

You must:

"Have: 5+ yeas expeiece suppoig a he execuive level wihi he las 3 yeas
... Sogly Pefeed:"

"Have 5 years experience supporting an executive who has only lasted 3 years.
....So ugly preferred."

& That's as far as I got before I passed out.

___
Found this on YouSuckatCraigslist.com on a comment by Stephen

And If I'm Looking for Ointment...?

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Fri, 15 May 2009 23:21:00 +0000

I'm not yet out of stories from our Bali trip.

1. Our history is different, did'ja know.

While at a money exchange place, Chris struck up a conversation with the guys there. He showed them the Canadian dollar, and explained what the Maple Leaf on it was. "We have a tree, you get syrup, uh, sweet sugary liquid, from it. This is one of the leaves from that tree."

Then he asked his question: What did that eagle-like bird represent on their currency?

The guys explained that Bali had been both under Dutch and Japanese rule. They finally gained their freedom about 40 years ago. The bird was a symbol of that struggle.

Ah.

"...ours is a leaf."

___

2. I order, just for fun!

We drove to and through many towns, staying overnight in about 9 of them. Our journey from the original town to our destination town, would take "2 hrs" - according to Chris. This meant, I quickly learned, approximately 4hrs.

It was about our 5th day in and we driving through Amlapura. I spotted a "Hardy's", the only supermarket chain in Bali. It was a comforting sight (it's fun in there!), and especially since it was a holiday, and nothing else seemed to be open. I figured I'd go in and get some food. I got out of the car.

This was the first non-touristy destination we had encountered and I had my first experience of being "exotic". (Me - a white girl, who looks like this. Exotic? Not so much.)

Nonetheless people I passed stared at me fascinated.

(Digression: A few days before we left, I asked Chris what I should wear there. "It's hot," he replied, "a dress". "Yeah, but like what should I wear so I don't look like a foreigner." (I swear, I was serious.) Chris smiled, "Oh yeah, you'll blend right in...")

I went to the Hardy's and then to their washroom.

A few paces away, I saw a kid's park and a food court, of sorts. Since carts like this usually have the best food, I ventured in. Everyone looked up at me. 'Kay...

I smiled as people pointed me out to their kids. I imagined them saying, "Hey, look - it's a whitey! Aren't they cute. They come in different sizes. This one's a 'small'."

At the first cart they had food items listed. I picked the ones that were familiar by that point, so as not to embarrass myself. (i.e. "Oh I'll have the... 'Splock'" - "Uh, that means "bus stops here".)

Next cart was the drinks. OK, this was a bit more challenging, but I'll just pick 2 whatever, and it should work. I indicate 2 with my fingers and pronounce the first drink-like thing I see. The girl smiles at me for trying and brings me what looks like Orange Crush. Perfect, but she brings it to me in a glass mug - and one is for Chris who is about a block away in the car.

"Oh," I say "To go?"

She has no idea what I'm saying. I feel her pain. OK, time for me to try harder. Luckily, I had my trusty "most common words" English/Indonesian dictionary.

I try to figure what it would be. No "to go" phrase in book. How about "Take away". Yes, that's what they call it at the restaurants "Take away". "Mobile," the book translates.

"Mobile" I say, confidently.

"Ah! Mobile!"

She takes the drinks.

I feel proud. Mission accomplished.

I wait for her to bring the drinks back.

That does not happen.

Oh, it dawns on me, I probably just said, "Take away" as in "Take it away!". I wonder what kind of wacky Caucasian would actually mean that. "Bring me some drinks! Now take them away! Bahahahaha!"

After a few more desperate phrase-look-ups, the man at the next cart finally saves me by saying something like "jelle!" - which, according to my book, meant "plastic cup". Ah, yes, that's it...

___

3. And if I'm looking for ointment...?

One of the days I needed to pick up aspirin. At the Hardy's, I tried to ask for it. Nope. "Pain killer?" I tried. Nope. I had a feeling they might call the police.

Finally I did an exaggerated pantomime of someone with a headache. I held my head and grimaced, then pretended to open a bottle of pills, take one and look relieved.

This worked. And they pointed me in the direction of the nearest pharmacy.

Chris then got very excited about this concept. Possibly too excited.

The next time we were in a market he asked, "Do you have any laxatives?"

I dragged him away before he began the pantomime.

A Night at the Zoo

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 11 May 2009 13:00:00 +0000

Often, when I take public transit at night, it's like a deranged zookeeper decided he'd experiment and toss various animals (the crocs, the lions, the bears, the rhinos) together in a small cage.

The really out-there ones particularly amuse me.
E.g.:

Last night, while I waited for the bus, I noticed there was a loony woman in her 50s at the stop. I noticed her because, at semi-regular intervals, she would yell out her random thoughts to people nearby.

I tune in and she's having a" conversation" (read:mostly one-way) to two guys in their mid 20s. They are standing about 8 feet away and would clearly prefer to continue their own discourse, but are too polite to ignore her entirely.

One of the guys is carrying a movie bag of popcorn, about 1/3 full.

"So! You got the popcorn! Or you went to the movie and took the popcorn out?"

Guy: "Uh. Yeah, I didn't finish it at the movie, so I'm taking it home..."

I turn to him. "Making friends?"

He smiles. "Every day."

The woman is silent for awhile. And then continues her random thoughts and observations, now directed at no one in particular.

At some point, she reads an advertisement out loud, at extreme volume: "Send Money Overseas!"

Then, angrily: "WHY?!!!

..."I'd rather have a bus!"

Actually, it's been about 20 minutes since I started waiting for this bus, so I am coming around to her way of thinking.

A couple, possibly getting frustrated with the wait, get into a cab.

She yells: "Use a condom!!!".

After an eternity, the bus finally arrives.

A few stops later, a gal (20s) and her friend get on.

"Hi!" Says a guy.

The rest of the conversation is very loud and enthusiastic:

Gal: "OMG! Hey, Steve! It's great to see you! This is my friend, Ellie!"

Guy: "Nice to meet you, Ellie!"

They then talk about their studies, work etc. Eventually the subject turns to mutual friends.

Guy: "Yeah, and then yesterday I hung out with Beau."

Gal: "Right! Beau's the guy I humped in the park that night!"

Guy: "No. That was me."

...

"I humped you in the park?!! Really?" Pause "Wow! This is so awkward!"

...For all of us.

Because God Loves You More When You're Thin

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 04 May 2009 13:00:00 +0000

Here we have a "powerful and spiritually moving drama that depicts Satan's hold and Christ's all-encompassing grace, courtesy of the Church of God":

[Click here if you can't see the video]

My first feeling was that of panic - it appeared someone had videotaped my final theatre school performance for interpretive dance class! But then I realized that the "piece" I put together overnight, at 17, in desperation, was, by comparison, polished and layered. It was also marginally less awkward and quite possibly better choreographed.

(Also, if I didn't know better, I'd think this was a sketch comedy routine with Ricky Gervais and Jessica Holmes as the dancers.)

As I understand it - and clearly my years of religious school have taught me little - a woman is dancing with a lame, over-intense guy. She sees another guy, perhaps less weird, so she decides to dance with him. Then a football game interrupts. A man throws down some money on the game. Another gal comes by and wants to dance. She can't. And now there's no more beer. A statuesque black lesbian flaunts her stuff. The woman is tempted. But, sadly, the lesbian walks away. The woman is left sexually frustrated and in turmoil. Suddenly, a ninja arrives.

He encourages her to take her life. She tries, but it's hard to dance and cut oneself strategically at the same time. And awkward. The ninja is getting pissed, he hands her a gun. She tries again to commit suicide, but decides she'd rather be moshing at a Limp Bizkit rock concert. Things get out of control, the lame guy comes back.

At long last, he hands her a ponytail holder. All is right with the world.

Your interpretation?

And then, sometimes, you see a person in a video and are simply grateful you were spared the trauma of having to converse with them in real life.

That's nice, exercise lady, you like God. Maybe a bit too much:

[Click here if you can't see the video - and thanks "Everything is Terrible"]

Which brings me to the video my friends and I made about televangelists.
Is it perfect? No. Offensive? Of course.

[Click here if you can't see the video]

What? No Underwear?!

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 13:00:00 +0000

For today's descent into dementia, let's talk a stroll through the "Pantalaine" store, "Provisioners of America's Finest" (and might I add, likely only) Plural Clothing"

And plural clothing is... Clothing made for more than one person, of course.

I guess the next thing to figure out is: "Why?"

Sadly, the site provides no such answers. Only questions. Many, many, many questions.

To introduce you to the surrealism that is this store, here's just one of their items:

Well, at least we know who's wearing this shirt. (Or they would if it came in "plural" form.)

I have yet to figure out who the site's target audience is meant to be... People who wish they were Siamese Twins? People adjusting to being out of the psychiatric ward? Or simply people so extremely lame they have to be attached to their partner (or couch) via clothing?

But enough with the intro. Let us begin our journey.

Because you just can't find enough ways to embarrass yourself on St. Patrick's Day.

Even the models look depressed...

Luckily, the following models seem to have grown accustomed to their situation.

Too. Douchey. Can't. Process.

The mental institution called. It wants its accessories and its fashion sense back.

Sigh. I miss being manhandled by perverts in Montreal and New York. Perhaps if I get this pair of pants it will encourage a bunch of random people here to hold onto my leg.

This one was the only (and I mean only) item that seemed actually useful.

And then I saw this:

Why would religious books need new/other colors...?

And then... Then I saw this one. It frightens me. So bad.

It's like the girls from "The Shining" got signed to a morbid modeling contract...

____

Thanks, Rajah James. If it weren't for you I wouldn't have know of the joys of "plural clothing". OK, I still don't - but at least, I know about them.

Creatively Douchy

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 13:00:00 +0000

I still love the Snuggie's raison d'etre. It's basically a blanket you wear. And their videos (and sites) make a point of emphasizing that:

"Blankets are OK but they can slip and slide, plus your hands are trapped inside."

It's like a fucking prison under a blanket!

I can't tell you how many news items read like this:

"While criminals ransacked their house, Mr. and Mrs. Duluthe were forced to lie helplessly by - paralyzed not by fear, but by their blanket."

But forget that concern, people, now you can have your hands free and clear while looking like an even more obvious turgid douche!

You'll have to go here to check out the "Designer Snuggie" since the embed code they offer makes the video auto-play (and no one deserves that kind of pain).

OK, so people (allegedly) asked if you could make the Snuggie more fashionable and this is what you come up with? This?!!

The leopard print one looks like a cougar decided to give up, the zebra belongs in a hypnotist's wardrobe and the "classic camel" - well, what the fuck is more stylish than a camel? I mean they're always making Mr. Blackwell's Best Dressed list.

(Except when it comes to that camel toe. Damn that camel toe.)

_____________
(Thanks infomercial hell for pointing me in the direction of these monstrosity. I.love.you. There, I've said it.

And speaking of douches, my new video is here. I'm not totally in love with it, but it has some good moments)

Does it Come in Football?

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 13:00:00 +0000

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FwU8n4AOQl0] (Discovered thanks to Ridiculous Infomercial Review)

OMG. This is so freakin' subtle! How will anyone know what you're up to?!

Seriously, wouldn't it be way more acceptable to pee in the bushes than to let loose into this deranged contraption? It looks like you're masturbating under an eco-blanket or a section of a Toasty Wrap.

Plus, it's a 3-step process! 3-steps?! How can it get any easier?! (Oh, wait...)

And these instructions seem to assume you won't be wearing underwear. Is this "par for the course" on the course? Ewww. I hate golfers even more now.

Please note:

"Capacity: Over half a liter, twice the volume commonly urinated."

1) I just love the phrasing

2) I had no idea. Am I normal? What's the capacity of a Snapple bottle?

3) Could this information be part of a "The More You Know" PSA?

I wonder what people would think if you parked your car on the highway and used this contraption...

Balunacy - part 4: I prefer Dim Sum

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 13:00:00 +0000

As I mentioned, I had an awesome vacation in Bali which allowed me to contemplate the deeper questions.

Such as: "How does Tom Arnold have a career?"

Here are few other things that gave me pause:

"Expensive is Cheap"

I beg to differ.

"Oops"

We dropped rat poison in this batch.

This painting was OK from afar. But...

Oh.

& The spa treatments there are great and amazingly priced. Most offered some exemplary massages. One place also offered:

"Vagina Steaming"

& the description reads:

"The specific female in you is to be treated with great care. For cleanliness and personal hygiene, for good smells, and to prevent cancer risk. Vagina steam is a "Moksha" type of dry smoke, that you apply yourself in a sitting position."

1) There's a specific female in me? She always felt so general...

2) Ah, it's the "reduced cancer risk" part that really sells it.

3) As for the "dry smoke" - No thanks. I don't need my cooter smelling like a cured ham.

Oooh! Oooh! Mr. Kotter!

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 20:32:00 +0000

(Screenshot of today's Nothired.com )

Why, I know just the fella!

Balunacy - Part 3: Peter Was a Good Man. No Further Questions.

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 14:00:00 +0000

Now, even though the Balinese speak English well enough to communicate with tourists sometimes the printed materials contain a few interesting errors.

Such as this contract, which was inadvertently sexy:

Or the following menu items:

A tasty meal of "Chicken Gordon Blue".

This Extra Breakfast special:

Options of: "Fish, Chicken, Fork or Beef". I had the Fork. It was a bit... sharp.

Those tasty shrimp crackers aka "Frown Crakes". They're just depressing to be around, I tell ya.

An exciting Continental Breakfast offer:

I could have my eggs Fried or Boiled, or "Scrumbel and Push".
Is that a new dance style?

One menu had a "Dissed" section with some delectable after-dinner sweets.

Another offered a deadly beverage choice:

Diet Choke? Please, Waiter, I'll leave a bigger tip next time, I promise!

Sadly, there was also a plate of "Deaf Fried Squid". Talk about praying on the helpless!

My favorite was the listing for a pasta dish with a "sauce made of peter's alley"

I try not to think about that one too much. Especially late at night.

Balunacy - Part 2: Zen-ness is in the Eye of the Beholder

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 14:00:00 +0000

Just a few awesome T-Shirts I saw while in Bali.

Shake Your MoneyBurger

What cake?

Where's the Airsickness Bag When You Need it?

This is not so much wrong, as it is ...wrong....

Sounds Like An Ad For A Rooming House

"Preetty Good Privacy". How Cooommforting!

It's Nice to Have Plans

(For today I am a Robot.)

But just for today.

So Much Wisdom for a T-Shirt

Oh. Oh. Man, Man, I get it you. I, I totally get you... On a related note, this is the best pot I've ever had!

Kids Think the Darnedest Things

Again, I'm sure I need to be on LSD to decipher the true meaning herein. Is the kid thinking about her own birth? The concept of birth? What's she looking at that makes her contemplate this?

Maybe Don't Do That? Or Go Ahead. I Have No Idea.

Right... Right... Right...
OK, what?

Balunacy - Part 1: The 9-Step Formula to Unsuccessful Selling

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 21:20:00 +0000

I got back on Saturday from Bali - a destination I highly recommend. Beautiful beaches, kind people and tasty food .* I shall miss the sun, the relaxation and being woken up by poultry.

Of course, even when I have a fantastic time, my evil mind notices the lunacy.
I'll be posting several interesting Bali-isms - this is merely the first.

As a "whitey" (my term, not theirs) you are a prime target for selling as you walk down the street, along the beach etc. Much selling. Especially in touristy areas. You are asked if you want a ride "Taxi!" or "Massage?!" (of the non-illicit kind), to purchase fruit, clothing, boat rides etc.

Since all sales attempts went the same way, I have a feeling there is some sort of Dale-Carnegie-esque sales course in Bali. I have figured out the formula and reveal the secret here!

[Please click to enlarge]

I have a feeling this is not necessarily unique to Bali, so please feel free to comment with the sales techniques/variations from other locations.

* If you are thinking about going there, feel free to contact me and I will give you some suggestions of hotels etc.

The Chair's Sadness Was Palpable...

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 13:00:00 +0000

Some fun stuff from the internets:

Well, you know, I am feeling generous today:

Plus, it's a recession - it's hard to get people to pay for it.

There's just so much I miss...

I just love the photographer's description:

"Two rejected armchairs which carry on conversation about loneliness"

Shows how much I know - I would have guessed they were talking about their dinner plans.

CROCS Heels

So fashionable. For a white-trash night on the town, you will find nothing more comfortable - or slutty.

It simply says, "You can feel free to bang me while wearing socks."

9-1-Fun

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 12:00:00 +0000

Ask for "help" in your tweet and your message gets picked up by this. It's not for emergencies. Just for asking questions from the crowd, I guess.

Not a bad idea, but I can envision that there might be, how we say?, issues....

"Damn cops! I twittered about the break in - but nobody came!!!"

No, nobody could be that dense, right?

Well, here are some awesome news items about 911 calls which prove that some people are, in fact:

Too stupid to be cops.
Too stupid to know it's not the right time to call 911.
Unclear on the definition of "emergency"

1) I am very pleased this call was recorded, and only wish it was on a DJ Revolucian remix like Christian Bale's rant.
2) Buddy, let me explain something to you that you are clearly not comprehending: you are able to attempt to get protection from the law so long as you are not doing something criminal at the time.
3) I can't even come up with anything - it hurts too much. Audio of this deranged woman's call is here, btw.

If Only I Could Brain You With My Cello

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 13:13:00 +0000

A little better than the standard fare of comments... But let me ask you this, Sirs: Why are you having this debate on YouTube?

Yes, it's better than "YOUR A FAG". (Though I'm not sure by how much.)

I think I hate these people almost as much as the person here.