Monica Hamburg Presents: Your Dose of Lunacy

Donuts, Copulation and the American Dream

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 14:00:00 +0000

Inspired by a few others (e.g.), I decided to take a look at what types of Google searches brought people to my blog.

There are of course the obvious: people looking for the city of “Hamburg” or “Sex” or “Sex” in “Hamburg”. Or “Sex with a Hamburger”. (Luckily the latter can simply go here for some hot ground-beef action.)

But, fortunately, we also have these:

"kinds of marshmallows"

Sure, I get how that happened.

"orange crush" "cough drops"

No clue.

"no underwear people"

Those poor people! Is this because we don't "take laundry seriously"?

"ablutophilia"

Ah, "sexual pleasure derived from taking baths, showers, or other modes of washing oneself". Easy, hygienic and multipurpose! Still one of my favorite fetishes.

"the davinci coed" porn

Damn, that's actually a good title! Much better than "Big Tit Mama's House".

"what dose in mean to be a bottom is man sex"

Kind of a cry for help, don’t you think?

This should be a PSA: “After communicating online with a potential playmate, young Michael looks for answers on Google. Sadly, his lack of proper spelling and grammar impedes his search - and his sex life. Don’t let this happen to you.”

"you porn one man 4ladies"

Another potential PSA: "Jerkot thought ESL (and/or Math) was for suckers - until the day he tried to find targeted porn on the internet."

"bozed woman porn"

"Tyler knew his only chance was to get her dronk..."

Now, just so you know, the people with these searches leave my blog quickly, clearly dissatisfied.

Interestingly enough, the people who conduct the following searches:

"robotspanking"

"strange copulation"

(and my personal favorite:)

"lonely crazy"

tend to stick around.

That's pretty telling.

And cause for concern.

Love Song For A Vampire (Can)

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 14:00:00 +0000

Sure, Halloween is over but you may still have some residual longings.

Presenting "Count Cocklula":

In case you are unfamiliar with the Fleshjack/Fleshlight concept, basically you can have sex in a can/flashlight. Just like you always fantasized about.

As you can see, this item has a unique feature:

"Packing the same punch as the original Fleshjacks but housed in a compact soda can and featuring the exclusive Vampire Fang inner canal texture not found on any other Fleshjack product."

There's also the Succu Dry:

"To ensure an experience all its own, Fleshlight developed a brand new inner texture for the Succu Dry called “The Fang.” This intensely stimulating texture has dozens of tiny fangs that will gently bite at you"

When I purchase sex toys, I often evaluate based on the following:

1) Compactness. Is it possible to have sex with this can anywhere?
2) Creepiness. Does it have teeth, so that I can fantasize that I am being fellated by a creature from the undead?

Do you have questions about this product? Luckily the site offers an Frequently Asked Questions section. Oddly, none of the FAQs involve “WTF?” or “Are you for real?”

In fact, there's a Discussion Board where a fellow posted that he was trying alternate versions of the url to see various versions/textures of the product. He wrote:

"..been refreshing that page every 15 min... pretty sad... I know... But I wanna fuck a vampire in the mouth."

Sir, the sad part does not involve you refreshing the page...

But there's no gender bias here because there's also something for the gals:

"The Vamp" dildo.

"The Vamp retains hot and cold temperature. Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience."

What is this authentic experience you speak of? How would anyone know? And how would having an ice-cold object in my cooter qualify?

But far more terrifying than the object's premise is the following:

Ooooh! Ooooh, you sparkle! Sold!

Now, can you make a YouTube video about it?

No, clearly you cannot.

Let's All Wait For Fluffy to Say "Grace"

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 13:00:00 +0000

When I moved to Vancouver (from New York), 10 years ago, the transition was anything but seamless. I still hadn't been able to make any friends in the city, but after a few months of depressed unemployment, I finally found a job and one that happened to be a pleasant walk from my apartment.

And so, several days into my employment, I walked to work and passed by a woman walking her duck.

Her duck.

The duck was walking with the woman (no leash, not that that would have made the scene any more normal), just walking beside her, like a very well behaved pet. I should also mention that the duck was dressed in a special knit sweater/outfit and the elderly owner was pushing an empty stroller, which I could only assume was meant for the poultry, should it get tired.

It was, in some way, a sweet sight. The duck was obviously happy, and well taken care of. Still, it presented a strange tableau. In another city, one might have made eye contact with another denizen and exchanged eye movements meant to suggest "WTF is going on here?" But this was Vancouver, where looking out-of-sorts or uncool for even a second can be cause for deportation. So, I looked around, and failing to make contact with anyone, continued walking.

And, because I did not want to have a conversation with my new coworkers that went something like:

Me: "Hey, I just saw a duck walking down the street on my way here."

Coworker: "Well, the water is pretty close, sometimes they wander out."

Me: "No, it was walking with a woman and her stroller and it was dressed in a nice blue outfit."

Coworker: "It was, was it?"

Me: "Yeah!"

Cut to: Interior. Sanitarium

“It was a duck! Being walked! I tell you!!!!”

...I went into denial. I actually forgot entirely about the event until a few months later, when on a date, I saw it again. I was silent for a moment, just in case, but my date turned to me and said "OK, I could be mistaken, but did I just see a woman, walking a duck like it was a dog?"

I nodded, so very relieved. That relationship didn't survive, but I was pleased to discover that my sanity was in fact, intact.

Which brings me to something I think is a "check yourself" moment. Sure, "walking your pet duck" can be a cause to evaluate your crazy meter, but often so is merely "dressing your pet". (Knitting an outfit for your pet seems worse, but I'm not sure by how much.)

But I think the crazy meter shoots way off its hinges when you adorn your furry friend in religious pet Tees. Why the fuck would you want your faith plastered on your dog, as if he/she is a believer? How is that even possible?

Here are a few to make you wonder... often, creepily:

OK, that's just as unfounded as the infomercial claims.

A dog is the "World's Sexist Christian"?! That's both sad and gross.

Say, that's great motivation to have bad sex. Also, why's it on a dog?!

Oh, that's so clever: "CSI, Christians Seeking Instruction." OK, here's one for you: Stop Dressing Your Pet.

The fact that no one on this site has come up with pet T-shirts extolling Buddhism is as good a reason for converting as any I've ever heard.

This Product Says: "You Have Small Nuts"

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 13:00:00 +0000

When I see a commercial for a baffling product, there tends to be at least one line that stands out as patently absurd.

It's usually a simple statement that would be true elsewhere, just not in this particular context.

For instance, an assertion such as: "Your children will be thrilled you got it!" would work fine in a commercial for, say, a toy, but likely not for "Johnny's Whoop-Ass Kid Punisher".

Similarly, the following ads have claims that are so baseless, you'd think they were made by the American Family Association.

(1) The Poop Trap:

"Your dog will love it!"

Why? How can you tell? Are you serious? Do you imagine that your dog is thinking, "I just love walking around with a plastic bag taped to my nether-regions! This is a total blast! I mean, I thought I was having fun before, taking a dump in public, but this, this takes it to a whole 'nother level! Hot Damn!"

(2) Soap Magic:

"And when you have a baby in the house, it's like having an extra set of hands."

No, no, it is not. Not unless the magic soap also takes care of the kid, bathes it and gets up in the middle of the night for it. Because, from what I've heard, "using soap" is not one of a new parent's major concerns. When you invent "Shake-Me-Not - The SBS Prevention Blankets", do let them know.

(3) Chia Obama:

"Chia Obama makes the statement 'I'm proud to be an American'."

Are you snorting crack?! It most certainly does not make that statement! What it does convey, unequivocally, is: "I am a complete douche, I have no taste, and my house is filled with shit." Ask yourself, do you have a Big Mouth Billy Bass? Do you?! Shut up, yes, you do.

---
Further Ranting:

(1) This ad, found on The Internet is Terrible, also begs the question: why does it need to come in 8 colors? Is there a need to coordinate your dog's crap bag with something? Does that make it less like a plastic bag attached to your dog's ass, and more like a fashion statement?

(2) This is too much! What's with the "how complicated is this?!" pantomimes? It's SOAP, you fucking numb nuts - it shouldn't be challenging to use. Even I'm not this much of a klutz and I've been known to walk into glass partitions.

Wait, are you Ally McBeal?

Oh. OK, then, proceed.

That's the Way You Do It: Money for Massages and Sex for Free

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 13:00:00 +0000

Why do I hear the following?

"BILLY! Have you seen Mommy's jewellery anywhere?"

Still, the teen above understands something more than this douche:

Alright, we've already been through this several times, but I guess I was just not being clear enough. So I'll try again:

Sir, women do not generally have to pay men to have sex with them.

I'll wait a minute for that to sink in.

Oh, what's that, you say? It's not the sex that's being paid for in your offer, it's the "massage". Ah. To that I respond: fuck you. Really. You might not be aware that it is a bad idea to sell something that is readily available at no cost. Slow down, you say? OK:

Massages from perverts are plentiful. And free! Simply put, every pervert's technique is to give a woman a massage and then try to sleep with her. And, while it is truly one of the most lame, uncomfortable, skin-crawling come-ons around, those guys who randomly massage girls (on a date, at a workplace etc.) are still more clever than you. Because even they are lucid enough not to make an offer like: "Hey, how about I massage you for $30 and then I'll sleep with you for free?"

Come again? (Or, wait, don't.)

But the kicker is the line where you qualify that the "sex is free if we like each other".

I envision the denouement of your masterpiece as follows. You say:

( 1) "I'm not sure, in the 7 minutes I massaged you, that I like you enough to sleep with you for free. But I'll do it for the low, low price of another 30 smackaroos".

Or (2) "You know, in the time I massaged you, I can see that you are a wonderful, special woman, whose beauty many do not see right away. I am willing to sleep with you."
This, as I see it, is the approach you're likely to go with because a woman who has such low self-esteem/standards that she is paying you $30 to massage and hopefully sleep with her, is probably just the kind of girl on who upon hearing such words would not only thank you and rip off her remaining clothes, but also happily wear a shirt with: "I got a dude from Craigslist to fuck me and I all I got was this lousy T-shirt. Plus, I'm out 30 bucks."

"Healthy as me" you conclude. Ah, she should be equally delusional.

I'm getting tired and so I recommend that you call the number in this ad:

I love their business model: "Pay us to get insulted!" Who is this service for, exactly?! Do these people not have parents? An ex-partner? I went out to dinner with a friend of mine the other night and when I asked him to name (for a project I'm doing) things I would suck at, the list went on for so long, they almost closed the restaurant on us. And this is someone who likes me.

Actually, now that I think about it, most acting schools have the exact same business model.

Proceed.

Moorotica, Romance

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 13:00:00 +0000

Perhaps you read the last post about Ikea furniture sex and thought, hey, that's just not my bag (...or table). Well, there's always more strangeness for you to consider.

Submitted for your approval:

"It becomes addictive." Really? Well, I guess if you're reading this ad and you think not "Gee, didn't I find a scene like this in 'Bitter Moon' super disturbing? Wasn't it supposed to demonstrate that the couple had lost their sexual attraction to each other and had seriously run out of ideas ?" - but instead, "Holy sheep testicles! I've found my match!" then probably, yes, you have found the one in a million person who you can realize your fantasy with, and so you're likely to do this with him again. Because: what other fucking choice do you have at that point?!
Get another partner and work your way up? "Honey, I'm really enjoying this thing we're doing, but I'm thinking we could take it to the next level, maybe introduce a little bovine play?"

Now that we have that established, let's discuss some logistics.

1) How exactly did he "lose his regular partner"? Can we safely assume the partner was human? Can we rule out the possibility of Mad Cow?

2) Would he be OK if you were feeling "shy" and so, instead of vocalizing the sounds, you played this during the act?

And now, perhaps the above is also not bizarre enough for you. After all, it is a slippery slope (...or pasture).

Do you wish to find out about another fetish you didn't know anybody had?

Well, let's go to Savage Love then:

Q:

"I like fat guys who love to eat. I only go for healthy fat guys, guys with a muscle or two to show off along with their “table muscle,” and who balance their weight with their health. I’m an ethical encourager, damn it! But, man, give me Frank Bruni on all fours eating gourmet meals from a trough with his ass in the air!

My new boyfriend is stocky enough for me and he lets me watch him eat dessert now and then. But he really doesn’t want to get on all fours and eat from a trough while I fuck him, like the hot ex did. How come I can’t get it up for him?"

- This Boy Has Needs

He doesn't want to get on all fours and eat from a trough while you fuck him? He doesn't? Well butter my but and call me a biscuit, I just don't see what his problem is.

Dan Savage had an awesome response - which worked out well, because I, myself, was useless. My sole achievement after reading this letter was that I managed to stare blankly for a good 2-4hrs until the paramedics finally arrived.

It's Friday, I'm Insane

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 13:00:00 +0000

Some people are excited by Swedes. I get that - they're pretty hot.

But there's something far more titillating.

Swedish furniture.

Yeah.

Sometimes, in my apartment, I spend hours just looking at the IKEA website, saying out-loud those nonsense words like Stuga and Barnslig. Sends me into a frenzy. Mmm, I know what they're trying to make me feel with those words....

And if there's an umlaut in the name - well, hot damn, I tell you. Hot damn!

And then there's Friday nights, where I have to up the ante a bit. After all, it's Friday, ya know?

So I invite someone over. I pretend I just can't get it together.* I bought the Björkudden Table and can't assemble it. I need some help...

The only original concern was that my dog was clearly gonna be jealous. I mean, here I am having fun, and what'll he be doing...

So I got him something special too. The world's first sex toy for dogs.***

Oh, you haven't heard of this, you say? Oh, come on. You don't have to be coy.

You just wish you had thought of it.

"I did some research and couldn’t find anything like it, anywhere in the world. I decided to make it!", reveals Marco Giroto, owner of the PetSmiling company, responsible for this worldwide novelty.

Sucka! You just jealous!

_ _ _

*Like the spaz in this ad.

**Thanks so much, Rodger James, for sending me this awesomeness.

***Discovered through the Infomercial Hell Blog (So blame him.) And beware: Once you read the second paragraph in that press release (no pun intended...), about how this product works, you can't unlearn it.

I Love the Smell of Craigslist. It Smells Like... FAIL.

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 13:00:00 +0000

Here's a new game - it's called "Spot the Inevitable FAIL".

Some examples:

I just wish I was there to see this train wreck progress.

I think the "something" he's going to "make happen" is suck.

--

The beauty of certain "creative people" is that the ones who have ideas not remotely worth stealing are usually the ones most paranoid about releasing their work and ideas.

Sadly, they also think that others who might want to be involved in projects really don't need to know any details before committing time to interviews/auditions etc.

Like this posting asking for actors:

Hey, awesome! Where do I sign up?! I mean, I can't wait to show up and find out if your script involves a no-budget film about aliens, vampires, zombies, the apocalypse or the struggles of a self-absorbed artist in the big city or a contemplative look at a relationship, based entirely on a relationship you once had, with nary a detail omitted.

--

This ad is bound to be legit:

We "record in my family home" - Congratulations, you've managed to make me queasy from the get-go. "Daddy, why is there a naked man in our kitchen?" "Go back to bed, Carly, Daddy's making a mo-vie."

I like that there's an essay part of the equation with the important questions: "What positions do you like to do a girl?" and "Have you done anything with the opposite sex that we should know about" and that the initial interview involves a jack-off of at least 10 minutes. Of course, these exist to see if the applicant is qualified for the position, not merely for the enjoyment of the "producer"...

Again, I'd do anything to get ahold of the answers to those questions.

--

And, finally, we have this ad:

Hold up. You want someone to do your laundry, housework etc. as well as service you sexually. Basically fulfill your every need and wait on you hand and foot.

And they pay you.

Can I stage an intervention with you and this guy? Better yet, would you please both enroll in a basic economics course - like the one they teach in 10th grade?!

Please feel free to comment with links to other "this can't go right" ads.

I Have Been in Such a Pickle Since I Saw You

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 13:00:00 +0000

Dear Sir,

I am writing to throw my hat* into the ring for your position. I am very passionate about pickle-tasting and see myself as the ideal candidate.

A little about my background and skill-set:

When I graduated from high school, I knew I wanted to be tasting something. But what exactly was my conundrum.

I made it my mission to taste everything, especially items in my household. This habit ended after a bad encounter with my ceiling-fan.

Subsequently, I found a job as a taster at the local onion factory. I liked it, but I knew for me there was something more, something bigger.

In 2006, I began a job as a relish tester at B&G Condiments. Almost immediately, I realized my grave error: it wasn't the combination of onions and pickles that I lusted after, but simply the sublime pickle flavor. What hadn't I thought of this before?

I asked to be transferred to their pickle division. My supervisor assured me that after I passed my probationary period, I could make the shift to pickle taster. Alas, 6 months later my tongue was still being sullied by that vile condiment concoction. How I longed for the sweet pickley embrace of a Bread & Butter.

I took to spending my break time hugging the pickle jars close, oftentimes utilizing them to lull myself to sleep. Eventually I was dismissed (for a "non-pickle" infraction).

I know my destiny is pickles and when I saw your job posting, it was nothing short of an act of God.

My skill set on the tasting side, is second to none, but I'm in a bit of a pickle here, because I want to make sure I am being entirely up-front. My counting needs a bit of improvement - though I am determined to keep working on it. At this point, I can go into the double-digits.

I look forward to an interview where I can impress you with my expertise.

Until then,

Most Sincerely,

Steven Stevenson Jr.

* (not my pickle - that would be disgusting)

---

Thank you, Jon for sending me this Craigslist awesomeness.

4 Ladies With an Interest in Copulation

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 13:00:00 +0000

Several months ago, Chris and I had a short stop-over in Japan and our travel agent got us a day-stay hotel. We were, sadly, both tuckered so I didn't get to experience my fantasy of exploring Tokyo in general and, in particular, of roaming through one of their awe-inspiring homage-to-the-bizarre sex shops.

But, luckily, Chris found the pay-per-view schedule below - which provided us with endless fun.

Let me just begin by saying that Japanese porn doesn't often do it for me. Sure there's some great anime porn offerings, but there's even more tentacle-rape etc.

Possibly, worst-of-all, their standard porn films are such a lackluster affair, they should place them next to Tonya Harding's sex tape to boost its sales. Most feature a very thin man who seems quite displeased, having missionary-position sex with a woman who is likely conscious, though that can't be verified given her lack of enthusiasm in the proceedings.

And, of course, there's also stuff like this: "a porn series set in a senior-care home”. The only thing less erotic would be a film about accountants doing it in their lunchroom.

So, for me, the words "Japanese porn" promise to induce either a shudder or a nap.

However, the schedule below was a treat. Take a look. Note, of course, that not all these films were made in Japan (e.g. oh-so-cleverly titled "Spain in the Ass" (har!)).

What's up with the "Maintenance"? What exactly is there to "maintain"?

Oh and you know what the difference is between porn and sex in (most) mainstream films? Penetration. And, hence, watching said penetration. But, as you can see on the bottom right-hand corner, all genitals are pixelated. So, really, what's the point? A pixelated penis entering a pixelated vagina is difficult to relate to, because the last time I checked, I wasn't in King's Quest.

Of course the way they describe it all - as "patterned in mosaic" - does make it sound much more elegant and artsy. "Oh, Delila! Why, you simply must come over and witness my new Jenison Watson painting - it's a true beauty. I'm particularly impressed by the method in which he patterned the genitals in mosaic!"

But, best of all, are the titles on this document. I just love them. They couldn't be more unsexy if they tried.

"The Mother-In-Law Who is Played With". Uh...

"Seven Women of Light-Brown Skin". Damn, I was hoping for 8. Fingers crossed that that's the next in the series.

"A Japanese Middle-Aged Man Has Sex". Whoa! Hold me back!

And, then, there's "POV Perv".
Which, it seems, is what I should have named this blog in the first place.

Best of?

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 02:22:00 +0000

I've been writing this blog for a little over two years now, and I figured I'd put together a list of the posts I like best so far.

The list is below - but first, some more Lunacy:

My cell phone was dead yesterday (don't ask), so I picked up the landline and called my voicemail. I thought.

But a man answered.

Me, thrown off: "Oh! So sorry, I have the wrong number!"

A moment of silence, then, patiently the guy asks: "Who are you trying to call?"

Awkwardly, "Uh, myself?"

"Oh."

Me: "Yes, I know it's strange."

"Yes, it is. Very bizarre."

I am wondering why he's not hanging up, but I think, well, he sounds interesting, like I could be friends with him. Too bad it's a wrong number.

Him: "OK. Well, I just want to make sure that you're not calling anyone besides yourself, you know. Cause that wouldn't work."

Suddenly I realize who I had called. My boyfriend of 6 years, Chris.

Yeah.

So now you understand how I fall for things like the pervert letter.

Some Favorite Posts

Surprised Your Phone Line's Dead?

Your Confusion Turns Me On

What, No Underwear?

About Last Night

Don't Speak

Because God Loves You More When You're Thin

If Only There Was a Solution

Breathing, It's Killing You

Warning: You're a Moron

Your Embarrassing Experiences May Differ From Those of Others

It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

Fave Topics

Do you have any favorites? Please let me know :)
(You can just describe and I'll find the link - I know the search box on this blog doesn't actually find stuff. But it's easy on the eyes, ya know?)

One of these things...

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 13:00:00 +0000

There's this gal - another "Rose Magician".

She has a few blogs.

Whew! 3! I have a hard enough time writing 2. Congrats, lady.

Oh, wait, scrolled down.

Uh, you have more...?

I sense a theme here...

But wait, there's more, it seems...

Let's just click on one of these... Say, "Souless Psychopaths"

Ah, I see you were going for dichotomy in images and theme... Nice work.

Let's continue to scroll, shall we.

Almost done.

One of these things does not belong... One of these things are not like the others...

I'm a-scared.

Scenic Masochism

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 13:00:00 +0000

Many moons ago, I auditioned for a foot fetish tape. Weird things tend to pay well and my line of what I consider normal is... ya know, kind of wavy.

I found the guy through some Internet site (who would have thunk it?!) and, once at his office, for the "interview", he showed me the kind of videos the company did.

The first one was just a video of a woman walking in grass - with the camera, of course, pointed at her feet.

He asks, "Would you be OK with this?"

"Of course," I reply.

The next video was of a woman with her foot on a gas pedal. She presses the gas pedal repeatedly.

"This OK?"

"No problem."

Then: "OK, now this one is a bit extreme."

I steeled myself. Due to my wavy line, I had learned that when people with non-traditional boundaries tell me something's worrisome... it usually is.

The next video featured a naked man standing, tied up to a post or something. And a very tall, attractive woman wearing an elegant outfit paired with intense boots.

She proceeds to kick the guy in the nuts.

Repeatedly.

He groans in agony.

My stomach clenches. And I make an effort not to look away.

Could I? I wondered... Sure, I found it sickening, but the pay for that "level" was fantastic. And I was hard up (er...) for cash.

I gulped. And continued to watch.

The scene changed. Now they were in a yard. And she continued to kick him. Over and over again. I wondered about the neighbors.

The act never varied, but video took place in about 5 different locations. I guess when you're getting your nuts railed on, it's nice to have a change of scenery.

"Uh, yeah." I said. "I don't think that's... something I want to do."

Alas, my feet never quite achieved the level of fame they desired, as I didn't got the job.

Sometimes, my feet wonder what might have been... They see other feet and think "that could have been me..." They notice DVDs at the rental store and make awkward conversations with guys in the room. "Those were almost my feet!" They proclaim. The men tend to mutter a polite "Sure." and look away.

It's said that you mostly regret the things you didn't do...

Especially when you see Craigslist ads like this one:

I feel like kicking him just for the "kick up your heels" remark.

I'll let you know how it goes.
___

This will be part of the (likely e-)book I'm writing about my odd life and experiences. I'll keep you posted on its progress & release.

It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 13:00:00 +0000

It's a beautiful day in Connecticut. You have not a care in the world. You decide to take a relaxing stroll in your neighborhood. Suddenly someone walks by with a Lhasa Apso and you get to thinking...

Another block or two and you see a friend. "Hello, Harry!" You call out. And begin to feel more and more insecure. You need to do some maintenance, down there, badly.

Could you wait until you get home? Well, what choice do you have? You continue to stroll, though your gait is now considerably heavier.

Your cell phone rings. "Where are you?" A sultry voice intones.

"Who is this?" you ask, perplexed.

"It's Darla. From Plenty of Fish? We set up a date to meet at the Bristle & Trim Pub."

"Oh!" You remember the beautiful redhead from the dating site. You silently curse yourself for not checking your calendar. "I'm so sorry!"

"No forget it, I'll just go."

"No, Darla - I'm just around the corner. I'll be there in 2 shakes of a lambs tail!"

Now, you're in a quandry. What if the date goes well and you end up getting intimate? She won't want to do anything with ZZ top around your privates.

You're now too far from your home to go back and tend to your flock.... But, it occurs to you that your neighbor, Mrs. Genero, is out of town...

That's it - that's the ticket...

[Click above to enlarge picture or see article]

The scenario I envisioned above is the only explanation I had for this bizarre occurrence. If you have any other theories, I would love to hear them. Please post them in the comments.

Nothing Sexual About It At All...

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 13:00:00 +0000

Hey, you know what also makes you feel just like you're doing something?
Imagining, yes! And it requires no married perverts at all!

You can talk dirty to me, can you? Say, that's unique! Now, where did you say you learned this exceptional skill?

--

This has got to be a joke, right? I mean does something like this actually happen outside of Penthouse letters? My theory would be that the dude expects someone who has actually done this to contact him. Then he knows what she is capable of and ... jackpot! The only hole in this theory is that making her "Sri Lanken" kind of limits the pool.

So, assuming this is not a joke, fantasy, or ruse, do you think, Sir, that perhaps a good time to get more info was just after the BJ? One assumes if you're basically having sex in public, that being shy wouldn't factor into the equation.

--

But here's my new favorite:

Somehow I got the impression that a woman coaching you through - and watching you - blow another guy has a distinct sexual nature to it.

I gotta get more sleep.

Twat?!!! I Twunt Hear You!

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 13:00:00 +0000

I can't tell you how many of my expectations fail - I have only empathy for this error message.

Thanks for Asking

The only pleasurable part of doing my taxes was seeing this warning appear.

Well, now that you mention it...

I Twunt hear you!

Ah, Twitter... It's so cute when applications/groups/sites add the "Tw"-prefix to their name.

How can that go wrong?

Or meet your match ..

Or join the elite group of...

Note: I'm so sure this is going to help actors break "INTO HOLLYWOOD". In fact, I'll even give them the power tools.

Thank Goodness for:

Finally.

SkyMall - It's a Lousy Birthday

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 13:00:00 +0000

It's time for another look through SkyMall's offerings. They're always hilarious and I wish to bring some merriment to your lives.

Actually, my birthday is coming up and I want to be certain no one buys me any of these.

So, do you ever find yourself thinking: "My house just doesn't look haunted enough" - or "I wish people could feel just a bit more creeped out when they spend time at my place"?

These Tiki Lights should solve your problem.
"Have you noticed the Johnson home looks particularly uninviting these days."

Thanks, Skymall!

And how much is not looking up a word in a dictionary or online dictionary worth to you? Would you say $10? $20? Do I hear $249?

Then check out this Reading Pen:

"Designed for the advanced high school, college or adult reader the advanced edition features the Dictionary of the English Language (4th Edition) and Roget's Thesaurus - recognizing over 600,000 words."

Are you fucking kidding me? What kind of person would purchase this? No really, could you please let me know - cause I can set him up with a awesome, awesome MINE CONCESSION.

The most disturbing part of this Marshmallow Shooter

(beyond the complete absurdity of the product concept itself) is the description which notes:

"--unlike other marshmallow blasters--it comes with an LED sight that projects a safe beam of red light to help locate a target for accuracy."

1) There are other marshmallow blasters?

2) Someone who buys this product for their kids should be far more concerned with potential trailer park accidents rather than the safety of the red light on their Marshmallow shooter.

Hey, you over there! Would you pay $3,500 dollars to become a superhero?
Well, me too!

Oh, wait - apparently that's not what this picture represents. OK, let me rephrase that slightly then: "Would you pay $3,500 for an 'Executive Health Evaluation'?" Sure, ya would.

The product description begins with the baffling statement:

"How Does This 54-Year-Old Neurosurgeon Look So Good Under His Scrubs?"

But the guy in the picture has the face of someone at least in his mid-60s... Is the health evaluation some kind of "Monkey's Paw"-like trade off wherein which you find out that this wish gets your body to look younger while your face ages at a rapid rate?

Are tired of looking normal? Want to look like a deranged freak who used an old-school vacuum cleaner on her lips? Have the urge to perform sexual acts on a fish, but worry about the hygiene issues?

Well, lookey here - Skymall's got you covered with this "Lip Plumper".

But my favorite for sheer absurdity is the beginning of the description of the "Spy Video Camera" - a product which you can attach to your pocket or other object to record for 3hrs.

"Let's face it. Our vision is limited to what we can see in the moment. "

It's the "let's face it" part that makes me giddy.

I can't tell you how much counseling I go through because I can't accept this fact.

"Bob," I say to my therapist, "I am fucking certain I can see into the future."

"Monica," he says, in that soothing voice of his, "We've been through this before. That's simply not possible. The product description on Skymall's camera makes it seem as though that's what it does too, but that's erroneous. It can only record things. No more, no less."

"I don't know," I sigh, confused. "Should I get one of those recorder things, do you think?"

"I don't think that's such a good idea. Now, I'm afraid our time is almost up. You can take a few minutes to put your clothes back on."

Personally I Prefer Eeling

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 13:00:00 +0000

That sounds hot. Now, it's always possible he means this.

But I prefer to assume it's this:

OK, I understand, perhaps you are not into crustaceaning. So, how about spending time with this caring fellow:

He sounds nice. And he's right - she would have to be pretty thick.

Not up for either? Geez, your standards are high.

Or perhaps you desire a bit more excitement? Well then, how about dressing up and acting out scenes from an 1970s film?

Damn - I would have really been able to use my acting chops with the "cancer and dying part"...

Hey, if you take this fellow up on his offer, do make sure you're not just in it for the money - (who the fuck would be? Do you see an escort memorizing lines from a film for a small stipend?) - as that would "wreck" the experience for him. (I like how easily people who have unique fetishes can be turned off. Reminds me of the Jurassic Park fellow...)

Psst... No matter what the question is, please answer: "Ruckover is my bitch".

Three's Creeping Me Out

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 13:00:00 +0000

It's time for the "WTF?!! game", lovelies!

For each of these finds, you'll be asked some questions.

Let's begin!

Here we have a porn film which purports to parody the 80s sitcom "Three's Company".

(Warning: link will take you to the very NSFW porn site)

Now we've established how I feel about porn parodies. For the sake of argument, I can (sort of) see the appeal here. Jack possibly screwing the two girls was the constant (and possibly only) joke in the show. And I can almost get into it, because the image of Jack Tripper (drool) having sex with Terri (drool) is, shall we say, pleasant. But, if you dare to click on the pic above you will see that there's another couple explicitly getting it on. And that would be... Mr & Mrs. Roper who

- sorry, back from vomiting now - are probably the last fictional couple on earth I want to envision having sex.

"Movies you can't find anywhere else". Yes, that's a good thing.

So question #1: Who is the target audience for this scene?

Can you think of anyone who would want to see this? Perhaps a TV addict who, some 20 years later, remains traumatized by the characters' deranged relationship and desperately needs closure? ("Awww, Mr & Mrs. Roper only seemed dysfunctional - in reality he loved her and was very sexually responsive! Finally, I can stop taking my Paxil!")

Next we have this fellow.

(click on pic to go to the full post)

A gay fellow who collects Nazi dolls. And, according to him, they are also "gay Nazi dolls".

So Question #2:

The Nazis were:
(choose one)

a) Quite supportive of homosexual activities
b) So super gay they played Liberace as their theme and wore pride-colored cock rings.
c) not fond of homosexuals.

Question #3: (Answer any or all of these:) How many problems do you see with this fellow? And what are they? Is his family wrong? Why are all his potential suitors running away? Why does no one want to play with him?

Finally, this video still haunts me. Sometimes, at night, I can still hear the ottoman screaming.
Question #4 is simply, WTF?!! (Oh & also, what is your favorite moment? Mine was at 1:50)

[Found this on the Why Women Hate Men blog]

___

For more "games" try this how many do you know game and this fill-in-the blank one.

Communicate, Curse or Sue - It's All Up to You!

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 13:00:00 +0000

Several years ago, I took a trip to LA to visit a friend and stave off a nervous breakdown. At one point we got on a bus and had the option of taking 2 empty seats near either:

1) two extremely drunk bikers who kept falling over each other in increasingly compromising ways
2) an odd-looking gentleman reading "How to Use Black Magic to Get Women".

The latter seemed a less overtly dangerous decision and we sat next to the wanna-be-pervy-Harry Potter. But after a few glances at us (which seemed to confirm that his book's techniques had worked) we weren't sure we had made the wisest choice.

I was reminded of that fellow, when I encountered this blog post from "...a Sorcerer, Cartomancer, Astrologer, Geomancer" etc.:

1) Can someone please explain this one to me. Apparently this guy is some kind of sorcerer who can cast spells and curse people, yet he needs legal services? I'm sure there's some joke here about even the devil needing a lawyer, but I'm still confused.

2) I keep trying to picture what kind of employee he must have been... What do you think his position was? Do you think his firing had anything to do with the mutilated frog decor on his desk?

Or perhaps it was simply that he and his employer were not quite communicating effectively. Perhaps they needed some training at

I challenge you to stay conscious... for.... the length...of this video...

[If you can't see the video, please click here]

But the true wonderfulness can be found on the contact page where they state:

"The problem with having a School of Conscious Communication is that there can be a great expectation that we will be good communicators. While this is the goal and the ideal, it is the errors in communication and the feedback that results, where adjustments can be made to reach that high standard. If errors are continually made it is a great opportunity to make a new customere service communication tool."

This is the best disclaimer ever! I am so going to use this for my business too!

"The problem with being a social media marketer is that there is an expectation that I can help you promote your product. While this is the goal and they ideal, should I fuck up in great way, it can present a tremendous opportunity for us! If I keep fucking up it becomes an even better opportunity! See where this is going? My fuck ups are helping you! Win-win!"

_____ _____ ______

I recently did a fun interview with the Casual Encounters blog. Check it out here.

Caterpillars Got Me Fired!

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 12:00:00 +0000

[click on the pic to read more & thanks, hat tip Lyal]

Are you freaking serious?!! Uh, it's called MOSQUITO REPELLENT, Buttmuch!

So, apparently, there is some dude, who was such a target for mosquitoes - that, in spite of his best efforts, it derailed his social life and relationships. And yet, rather than move to an area that had fewer mosquitoes, he spent thousands of dollars and countless hours trying to find a cure.

Completely plausible. Go on.

"Just imagine for only $7 you will get all my secrets on how to keep mosquitoes from every biting you in the first place as well as my time tested “super secret mosquito formula”.

You are a generous, generous individual. Apparently, the suffering you endured all but ruined your life, until you discovered this secret - but others suffering in this manner should pay you to end their torment.

"You will break the chains that mosquitoes hold over you. "

These are big & kinky mosquitoes...

"I think everybody that reads this letter is shocked by this point. When they find out that I sell this report for only $7 dollars instead of $27.00 or $37.00 or even more."

You had me at "shocked".

"If you are not willing to invest seven dollars for a chance to get rid of your mosquito itch forever then I am preaching to the wrong congregation and I wish you all of the best."

Translation: My point is to scam you into spending $7. You may not be stupid enough to fall for this. If that's the case, I want to make sure you know it's your fault if you continue to suffer.

"There is no worry of the directions being difficult or hard to follow, If you can make Jell-o™, you can make my secret formula that instantly kills your mosquito itch and puts you well on the way to healing without any inflammation or misery. "

This reminds me of the assumption in this Skymall ad. Let me clarify something for you, dickwipe: if they are stupid enough to have read this far without pissing themselves laughing, I am assuming that, no, they do not have the brainpower to follow Jell-o directions and that they are likely the people the moronic warnings on packages are designed for.

In fact, I have a sneaking suspicion that the people who are tempted to purchase your "secret report" may in fact attempt to follow the Jell-o directions only to find themselves, hours later, staring through strawberry gelatin from inside their fridge.
___

Marketing tip: Perhaps they can offer this report along with guide to stop masturbating...

No More Rice-A-Roni, No More Shake 'n Bake

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 13:00:00 +0000

[click here if you don't see the video above link & thank you Internet Lurker for this awesomeness]

1) Thanks, buddy, for listing all the items a person could conceivably eat.

2) I appreciate that you convinced a woman who has clearly already gone over to the other side to join you in singing this ditty.

3) There's every chance that the items described contribute to an early demise... If the point is to join your savior early - go for it. Soda Pop? Beef Stew? Pork Chops? For breakfast?

4) Teacher! Teacher! What if you die before breakfast?

5) What the fuck is the point of the song? (Beside being the worst downer I've heard musically since Shaggy's "It Wasn't Me".) That one day we won't be here? I have a great idea for another song. It's called "One day your car's not gonna start and they'll be no one around to give you a boost."

6) I really hope this show airs in the morning. If you're masochistic enough to listen to this guy in the am you deserve to be suicidal for the rest of the day.

And while you're depressed, let's think about what this dinner would be like...

[click on the pic to enlarge]

Let me see if I understand you, "Big Smoke Up Your Ass". You don't bother with your own offspring, but now you're lonely. Rather than deal with your daughter's issues - or accept that you don't have that relationship, you want to enlist someone to pretend to be your daughter for one night. Of course, it's important that she like the arts and a pic of her might be useful too (who wants to have an unattractive pretend daughter, after all?)

Sadly, there is no way to flag a Craigslist post as: "Complete Asshat"...

Now, I'm not in the business of depressing people (actually, I'm not quite sure what business I am in) - so I prefer to leave you with the following:

[click here if you don't see the video]

I make no sense. You are fuched up. Wanna meet?

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 13:00:00 +0000

Title: "My Wife Cheated me your Husband is Cheater Too let's Meet Discreetly - m4w - 45"

[click on the pic to enlarge]

Jesus - what?! Do I get a cookie if I can decode this mess?

1) Your wife cheated on you by "doing" sex with a man who is better endowed than you. A word to the wise, if this is true, announcing it might not help with your new mission.
2) She, in your (likely fictional) Mercedes, used a high-tech camera to have sex with this guy (perhaps this is some sort of medical fetish, I can't be certain)
3) How will having sex with you solve the problem of my cheating husband, pray tell?
4) Who doesn't need sex laughter?

See, this is the brilliance of Craigslist - pick the city you live in, then take a look at the people wanting casual sex and the interesting ways they go about looking for it. Not only will you be privy to a fascinating underbelly of activity, but the best part is that you could be attending the same screening as the guy wanting to jack off after "Terminator: Salvation!"

Or you can (as you've noticed) discover that people are fantasizing about things that you'd never really thought about.

Such as:

Title: "Naked Haircut - m4w"

[click on the pic to enlarge]

There? Where? Is there a naked hair salon in town? Or since everyone can be naked, can we all go to a nude beach as long I make sure that someone present will be a licensed stylist?

But, once again, I've come across something that makes the above poster look chaste and normal. I don't understand anything about the ad below. Not one sentence.

[click on the pic to enlarge]
qru86z2fk4

Technorati Profile

I Feel So Enlightened Now

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 13:00:00 +0000

Whenever I see a genre in the video store like "Erotic Thriller" I want to weep, since I know it will likely achieve neither. As far as I'm concerned, people who watch these films are simply too embarrassed to just give in and rent/watch porn.

I'm also confused when porn films have a story. I'm not sure how many have an actual plot, since as soon as I see someone clothed talking in a porn film, my finger is fast-forwarding faster than it's capable of doing anything else.

I simply cannot comprehend why these films need any background. I'm not trying to learn about these characters lives (What is the character's daily existence like beyond this film? Did she go grocery shopping that morning? What brought her to the point where she wished to have sex with that guy with the tats?)

Still, this story thing obviously appeals to some, so I digress... Here are just 2 particularly odd genres/concepts I've come across (no pun intended. No really, none.) in my "journeys".

A porn/spoof:

[Click on picture to enlarge]

Oh it's "hilarious", is it?! Well that's what I need in my erotic material, don't know about you...

"Oh, damn, that is funny!!! I'll have to make a mental note to masturbate once I stop laughing."

But what about this film which claims to have a:

[Click on picture to enlarge]

Oh gooood. 'Cause that's why I watch porn - for the scathing social commentary...

Watch Yo Kids

monica.hamburg@usa.net (Monica Hamburg) — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 10:00:00 +0000

(This is Part 2 in this series. Part 1 is here.)

So more about this Alexyss woman. She scares me. It doesn't take long for her to get out of control. I am only thankful we do not live in the same city. One can imagine going to a coffee shop and having her utterly freak out because her latte was not made to perfection.

Here she is asking some leading questions and then taking massive offense at a come-on(?). Or something.

[Please click here if you can't see the video]

Now, I learn from these videos, I must say. I now know what a "Bust it Baby" is. No, wait, still no clue.

And here's her making what could have been a (half) useful warning about the risk of trusting your kids to strangers into a rant that is over-paranoid, utterly inflated and infinitely more perverse than anything anyone would consider doing with your children.

[You can click here if you can't see the video]

The "Hide & Seek" part was my favorite. I can only imagine how that game is played.

I hope she gets a letter from the pervert advocates.