Monkey Breath

Microsoft’s New Outlook Aztec Calendar Receives Mixed Reviews

2009-02-06T08:53:00.000-06:00

Redmond, WA – Struggling to keep up with the ever-changing personal data management market, Microsoft has released a new and innovative function of its Outlook system.

“We think customers are really going to appreciate the unique update to our software,” said Ellen Peterson, a PR representative from the tech giant. The new function, reportedly, replaces Outlook’s Calendar function with a visually appealing digital version of the ancient Aztec calendar.

The Calendar function of Microsoft Outlook is a popular utility designed to help users organize their schedule.

“I’m a little confused,” noted Brian Rogers, an investment banker. “I had a meeting at nine a.m. on Crocodile. At least that’s what I thought, turns out my meeting was actually on Jaguar. My boss was really mad. I almost lost my job. We had to reschedule for ten thirty on Wind. Hopefully I’ll be able to make that one. It’s the Vista Sundial Widget all over again.”

“Consumers seemed to really like Apple’s flippy touch-n-swipe interface on the iPhone,” explained Peterson. “Our research suggests that people want new and funky applications. We think it’s going to change the way people see archaic, circular, Mesoamerican tools for tracking the predictable movement of celestial bodies; also personal data management.”

The calendar was created and used by the pre-Columbian peoples of central Mexico.

“I think it’s great,” stated Peter Zenega, an artist and self-proclaimed hipster. “It’s the perfect utility for anyone who wants to have a wacky way to inaccurately keep track of their engagements. Sure, there are a ton of free, user friendly, applications on the web that are much more effective than Outlook, but hey, it’s cool to use this kind of outdated technology.”

“I’m f***ing done,” said Rogers. “I open it every morning and try to look at my appointments. All I get is a bunch of stupid faces sticking out their tongues. What in the hell is that? I gave up my blackberry for this sh**.”

Only time will tell if the calendar will catch on, but Microsoft is optimistic.

“This is what people want,” asserted a vehement Peterson. “We believe that within the next five years, everyone in America, no the WORLD, will be walking around with a Windows Pocket A.C.” (Short for Aztec Calendar)

There have been rumors that Microsoft is working on the design for an Aztec Zune music player, which uses advanced primitive stone rotating technology to produce brilliant, crisp music.

Fed To Consumers: Damn, You Look Good!

2009-01-28T08:00:00.001-06:00

Washington, D.C. – “Wow, really, just…wow,” said Federal Reserve Board Chairman Ben Bernanke to American consumers in a Tuesday morning press release. “Have you been working out? Cause it shows.”

Analysts are suggesting that this particular press release was intended to combat the ongoing problem of low consumer confidence. Declining confidence has been indicated as the driving force behind the current economic slump. The Reserve board is hoping reassuring words will provide some solace.

“I just don’t know if I feel comfortable going out and parading my wallet around,” explained Consumer. “I just don’t think anyone is going to take the bait.”

This seems to be the overall sentiment when it comes to spending in these awkward economic times. But the fed has some words that might quell these fears.

“They would be lucky to have you,” read the press release. “I know you’ve had some bad experiences, but those retailers were jerks. They weren’t right for you and didn’t appreciate how wonderful you actually are. Who knows, you might go out there today and find a nice bank that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.”

A representative of the Federal Reserve board was quick to elaborate on the statement.

“Consumers just keep second guessing themselves,” she said. “We need to encourage confidence any way we can, at every turn. And by the way, nice ass.”

Experts were initially skeptical about how effective the transparent move would be.

“We don’t just want these empty, shallow compliments,” noted financial analyst Bill McPhee, moments after the statement was made. “As a country, we need something more. Something concrete.”

When asked to comment today, McPhee seemed to have more faith in the Fed.

“I think it’s going to work,” he said. “I met with a Reserve Board rep and they addressed my concerns. She said I was smart and very astute for making such keen observations. She also noticed my new haircut and asked if I’d been working on my abs. I haven’t, but it’s nice to hear. I really think if anyone can fix the economy, it’s these guys.”

The press release concluded with the following passage, which has many feeling better already.

“I saw your ex last weekend and he/she was sooo jealous. You look super hot. You know what would really kill him/her? If they saw you in that new sports car you’ve been wanting. Yeah, you’re way too hot to be driving that old thing. God, I wish I could look as good as you, Consumer.”

Email Inbox Eagerly Refreshed

2009-01-22T08:00:00.001-06:00

Gallup, New Mexico – It began early yesterday morning. Joel Arment, a local office manager, booted up his work computer. It wasn’t long before he signed in and opened his email account. What he would see next was disappointing.

“Okay, I sent out two emails right before I left work yesterday,” he said. “I don’t understand why I didn’t get a reply yet.”

Reportedly, Arment sent two emails marked “Urgent” at 8:45 pm, shortly before he left work. As of 6:30 am yesterday morning he had received no reply. The first of the two messages was in regards to a Craigslist posting offering two used couch cushions for twenty dollars or best offer. The second was a humorous email greeting card, which he sent to a friend from college.

“I offered fifteen dollars for those cushions,” noted Arment. “I think that was a good price for those. The seller couldn’t be serious about wanting twenty.”

Allegedly, Arment spent nearly half an hour staring at his monitor, occasionally refreshing his inbox.

“That card I sent to Bill, it was a riot,” mused the frustrated correspondent. “It had this big eyed cat and it said, ‘Cut down on the caffeine’. (Laughing) I guess he’s just laughing so hard; he hasn’t had time to get back to me. Or maybe he can’t find anything that funny to send back. He always said I was lame, that would really piss him off if he couldn't top my e-card.”

Arment claims to have felt the same wide-eyed excitement every single time he clicked the refresh button.

“Just knowing that I could get something hilarious from Bill, or an email saying that fifteen was the best offer keeps my heart pounding. It’s like, ‘this click could be the one’, you know?”

Arment’s team explained that he spends a lot of time checking his email. Though they suspect he rarely receives any.

Obama-Fly Becomes 44th President of the United States

2009-01-21T08:00:00.003-06:00

Washington, D.C.- What has been hailed as the most historic day in American history, the Inauguration of our first black president, was plagued by an unlikely, science-fiction, mistake.

According to reports, as the President Elect Barack Obama took his historic oath of office, he began to metamorphose into a half man-half fly being. The horrified crowd looked on, helplessly, as he repeated the phrase “So help me god”, solidifying his acceptance of the office.

“Well, the new President seems to have a fly head,” stated Paul Allen, a schoolteacher from Portland, Oregon. “But at least he’s not Bush.”

Many were confused about the cause of the appalling transformation, and hopeful that it was not a sign of things to come. Experts offered some insight.

“It seems that a common, ordinary housefly landed on the Lincoln Bible at the exact moment of the inauguration,” explained Dr. Seth Brundle, a brilliant, but eccentric scientist. “The Oath of Office could not differentiate between Mr. Obama’s and the fly’s DNA. The result was a synthesis of the two creating, what I call, Obama-fly.”

Just a few short hours after the change, people close to the President reported him being stronger and more nimble than before. President Obama insists that the change will not affect his policy, or the goals he intends to reach while in office.

“Yes, I have a fly head, bzzzbzzz,” said President Obama. “But I am this country’s forty-fourth President, and I will bzzbzz execute this office to the best of my abilities.”

Sources reported President Obama behaving normally aside from the fact that he requested a plate full of sugar at the traditional inaugural brunch, proclaiming to the other guests, “This is how Obama-Fly eats.”

An Open Letter To The Readers

2008-12-09T09:16:00.003-06:00

To all eight of our readers, to include the three of you who enjoy Monkey Breath, the two of you who read everyday patiently awaiting our fatal mistake, and the two of you who are forced to read MB as part of your debt to society (thank you Nevada Dept. of Corrections), and the other guy; we truly appreciate your readership and support in this past year.

It has been brought to our attention that some of you are concerned about the future of Monkey-breath.com as a result of the abrupt halt to new content being posted. It has been remiss of us to leave our small but fanatical fan base out of the loop on such an important development in our story.

This time each year, the Monkey-breath.com world headquarters in Chicago’s prestigious “Wolrd Headquarters” district, on Spelling Error Avenue, is rented out to host the “All Clown Rodeo and Pig-grip”. As a side note, it’s a truly fascinating show in which clowns ride other clowns and do their best to grip those ever-slippery pigs. As a result, the office smells like livestock, greasepaint, and baby oil.

Taking into account that his office is being used to shoe particularly ornery harlequins Mr. Jackass thought this would be a good time sort some things out. The staff has gone their separate ways to fulfill unfulfilled dreams, legitimize illegitimate children, and basically tie up some loose ends.

Our editor-in-chief, Henry Q. Jackass, is currently undergoing some much needed anger management counseling. Bigfoot, our financial advisor, has been called to Washington to advise a high profile, recently elected official, who shall remain nameless. Lance Cooper, our sports reporter, is in his hidden lair deep beneath Halas Hall, playing a pipe organ and completing his masterwork, “From Hurling to Jai Alai: Sports in the Key of H (Actually just the H sound)”. Viktor Mimmirsbrunner, our expert on the weird, is reportedly traveling the world in search of the Eye of Agamoto, whatever that is.

But for those of you who are concerned (Mother), Monkey-breath.com has not ended.

H.Q. Jackass will return in…”Unipussy”

Sincerely,

Patches the Pig Grippin' Clown

Sexually Curious Japanese Polar Bear Dresses As Boy To Enter Kushiro Zoo

2008-11-26T08:53:00.003-06:00

Tokyo, Japan – Zookeepers in Northern Japan have uncovered a secret about a polar bear that has been living in their zoo for three years, the bear is a female.

Tsuyoshi, the gender bending bear, was brought in with the express purpose of mating with Kurumi, a resident 11-year-old female polar bear. After placing the two bears together, zookeepers were baffled by the lack of breeding that was taking place.

“Tsuyoshi was our great hope for impregnating Kurumi,” said Keitaro Mufune, curator of large mammals at the zoo in Hokkaido. “Early on there were mating displays, though they seemed awkward. There was even some tender, timid, sexual contact but no babies have been conceived. Now we know why.”

Experts have questioned how qualified zoologists could be unaware of the bear’s gender after all of this time.

“When Tsuyoshi arrived, he (she) had a short haircut,” explained Mufune. “Tsuyoshi was delivered wearing a flannel shirt and fake mustache. He (she) even expressed a healthy interest in the undergarments of school-aged girls (a common interest shared by Japanese men).”

According to reports, Tsuyoshi (named after a popular Japanese baseball player) seemed bored and listless for several months following her arrival at the zoo. The bear was only comforted by listening to Culture Club albums and repeatedly watching “Boys Don’t Cry”.

Last week, after becoming concerned with the fruitless mating, zookeepers sedated the bear to give her an examination. Only then did they discover her secret.

“Tsuyoshi actually had several tube socks concealed under pelt making her seem, at least in appearance, to be a male,” noted Mufune. “This type of thing is not entirely uncommon. Young women regularly dress as boys to attain the respect of peers, gain admission to prestigious schools, and fight in wars. At least that’s what movies, television, and Manga (Japanese comic books) have lead me to believe.”

The Kushiro Zoo has no intention of getting rid of Tsuyoshi as she has become a popular icon for them.

“She is part of the family now,” said Mufune. “The visitors love her, and I think she teaches us a powerful lesson. If you want something, all you have to do is dress as the opposite gender and you can get it. Young women everywhere can see that it is easy to fool even the most qualified professional and throw off the shackles of your worthless gender.”

British, Others Terribly Confused Over What Football Is

2008-11-25T08:17:00.001-06:00

Canton, OH (Pro Football Hall of Fame) – Football is one of the five most popular professional sports played in the United States. It stands shoulder to shoulder with some of the greatest sports ever played, baseball, basketball, hockey, etc.

Despite its national popularity some members of the international community (we’re looking at you, England) are ignorant as to what football really is. For the sake of the uneducated, we have included a short explanation of the real game of football, as it appears in the book, “Football, We Mean Real Football” by Lance Cooper.

Football is a game played by giants. It is played on a field one hundred and nine meters long by forty-eight meters wide. Each team begins play with eleven players on the field and play ends when all but one player is dead. It is played with an oblong, football-shaped ball.

The word football comes from medieval Europe when peasants played games on foot, as opposed to equestrian games played by the aristocracy.

Allegedly, there is an international misconception that football is played by small Nancy-boys in long shorts who are not allowed to hurt each other at all. Experts are suggesting that there is a strong correlation between ignorance of the game of football and the excessive use of the letter “U”.

“We are not ignourant of the existence of American foutball,”[sic] said Nigel Baker, a sports reporter from London. “We just doun’t think of that game when we say foutball.”

Sources say that Mr. Baker is an idiot, and that he made up the term “American football”. Despite their ridiculous, boring, concept of football, Britain is not devoid of violent, entertaining sports. Rugby is a widely enjoyed sport in the U.K. and around the world.

In the course of research for this article it was revealed that many, many other regions are confused about the definition of football. Much like England, they also have goofy, quasi-entertaining sports such as, Jai-alai (South America), Lacrosse (Europe), Boot-wazzle (Australia), and the always-interesting Hurling (Ireland)*.

*Not to be confused with the ultra-lame Curling which is popular in Canada.

Lance Cooper writes the Sports section of Monkey-Breath.com. He is currently in the bathtub eating a taco. Lance is the author of the bestselling book "Whooo!!! Sports" which can be found in local book stores.

The Smell of Donuts Intoxicating Reports Manager of Donut Shop

2008-11-24T08:35:00.000-06:00

Louisville, KY – “It’s the most fantastic smell I’ve ever smelled,” says 46-year-old Bill Anderson, manager of a local donut shop. “That’s why I work here, because I love donuts. It’s not like I couldn’t get another job, I just love this one.”

Locals and patrons of “DoNut Disturb” report that Anderson has been working there for years and that he doesn’t seem to like donuts at all.

“I remember a couple of years ago when it was called ‘D’oh! Nuts!” said one patron. “Bill said that he would be quitting in a few weeks because he had just applied to haberdasher’s school. He was going to make hats. Bill hates donuts.”

“La, la, la, la, la, I love donuts,” sang Anderson as he tried to stifle a gag. “They’re so sugary fantastic and sweet! I couldn’t imagine doing anything else. Also, they really appreciate me and my ideas.”

“That guy has got some problems,’ noted Arthur Bicklestein, Regional Manager of Amalgamated Microsystems and Information Condensation Industries Incorporated, the company which owns “DoNut Disturb”. “We’re looking for a replacement right now, but he is our most senior employee, having worked in that shop for over twenty years.”

Bicklestein acknowledged Anderson’s good attendance and persistence but illuminated some of Anderson’s flaws as an employee.

“He always has these stupid ideas,” explained Bickelstein as he shook his head. “He wanted to call the place, ‘Please, DoNut Feed The Bears’. What in the hell is that? We don’t have bears here! And when he messes up, he blames everything on his mother.”

Acquintences of Anderson report that he has pursued other career paths. Allegedly, he wanted to be a video game tester, a wedding cake designer, a 19^th century boot black, a haberdasher, and a professional furry (whatever that is). Records suggest that all of those options fell through.

Anderson was not willing to listen to what his regional manager had to say but he left us with this message; “The smell of donuts is intoxicating, that’s why I still work here, MOM! I could work elsewhere, I just love donuts!”

Mark Cuban Accused of Wanting to Buy Cubs

2008-11-21T08:13:00.002-06:00

Chicago, IL – Billionaire Mark Cuban has been accused of having a desire to buy the Chicago Cubs.

“What kind of sick bastard would want to buy this team?” asked Chicago police Officer, Brian Craig. “It’s like some kind of freaky masochism. I could barely stomach it when regular fans filled up Wrigley field, but this is just out of line.”

According to reports, Cuban received information that the team was for sale and announced his intentions shortly after that, a move that has the Securities and Exchanges Commission concerned.

“What he did isn’t really the biggest of our concerns,” said a Representative of the SEC. “We think it’s fishy that anyone would want to buy such an awful, awful team.”

The news comes as a shock to many, save Cuban’s closest friends.

“He’s not a bad guy,” explained one of Cuban’s friends who chose to remain anonymous. “I just think he’s sick. Something isn’t right in his head, and I hope this investigation will help him get the help he needs.”

For non-baseball fans, the concern here may be difficult to understand. Baseball expert, Noel Brockenheimer elaborated on why this is such a controversial move.

“There’s just so crummy,” Brockenheimer told reporters, wrought with emotion. “Really, really bad. They’re just…I mean, my god…really crummy.”

Cuban defended himself against the accusations.

“Whoa, wait, the Cubs? You mean the Chicago Cubs?” asked a defensive Cuban on Wednesday. “I’d have to be crazy, or stupid, and you don’t end up being the chairman of HDNet and owning the Dallas Mavericks by being crazy or stupid. The insider trading, yeah, I’ve been doing the shit out of that. For years, insider this, insider that, all over the place. But I never once said I wanted to buy the Cubs.”

President Bush Declares “Cooperating Too Hard”, Embarks On Seven-Week Nap

2008-11-20T07:50:00.001-06:00

Washington, D.C. – After the election of Barack Obama as the United States’ forty-fourth President, the incumbent President George Bush promised complete cooperation with the transfer of power. President Bush cited this “peaceful exchange of power” as being a hallmark of this nation’s great democracy and made a big deal about his willingness to cooperate.

Many people may have noticed that his cooperation is not a big deal, as every single American President, except the ones who were assassinated and Richard M. Nixon, gave nothing but their full cooperation.

Two weeks after making his promise to do as he is expected and get the hell out of the next President’s house, Bush is losing steam.

“Hey, this is pretty hard,” Bush told an aid. “Can I stop cooperating now?”

White House aids have been split in their reaction. Some of them note that this is the most the President has had to do during his entire administration and sympathize with the sleepy Commander in Chief. Others have taken what they call the “don’t let the door hit you” approach and begun to ignore him entirely.

“I’m sleepy,” said the President. “I didn’t have anybody to show me around the White House when I took over.”

Aids reminded him that he did, in fact receive similar cooperation from his predecessor, Bill Clinton, and that he didn’t try to make a big deal out of it.

“Muunh! I don’t wanna do it anymore,” Bush began to pout. “I’m going to my comfy office.”

From what aids report, the “comfy office” to which he referred is his bedroom, where he spent a large part of his administration. From getting security briefings, to planning strategic military actions, to meeting foreign dignitaries, he did it all from his bed, in the comfort of his Presidential jammy-jams. Reportedly, he was hoping that this transition would be no different.

“The President is really out of his element,” said a top White House aid. “He hasn’t had to do any cooperating, ever. During his first term, Secretary [Colin] Powell did all of the cooperating. Then when he left, there just wasn’t any. The usually clowns and magic shows aren’t working, he’s really upset.”

“Hey guys,” said President Bush to his staff. “I’m just gonna go to sleep for a little while. Wake me up for that coronation thing, or whatever it’s called. You know, the thing where I make that new guy in charge.”

Jesus Returns to Find “Awful Mess”

2008-11-19T08:00:00.000-06:00

Jerusalem, Israel – “I’m home,” melodiously shouted Jesus Christ through his grocery bags as he kicked the front door shut. “I know I’m a little late.”

The God-man returned home on Tuesday after a two thousand year absence. He was decidedly less than happy with the state of things.

“I’m gone for a little while and look at this place,” said Christ. “What in the hell did you guys do?”

Christ was presumably upset by the state of affairs in the world, war, sin, and global climate change. The King of the Jews said that he believed we were on the right path when he left.

“Do you know what I had to do to help you guys out? I don’t think you do,” scolded Christ. “You know, you’re not the only beings in the Universe that need saving. I just came back from saving two hundred other galaxies, and boy are my arms tired. No, seriously, I’m off dying to absolve entire species of original sin and you can’t hold down the fort for a few thousand years, for shame.”

“To be honest, I never expected him to come back,” said a prominent member of the Vatican. “I was really caught off guard when he just showed up. I tried to tell him that we’ve been doing our part, but the heretics and Pagans are causing all kinds of trouble.”

According to reports, many Christian church leaders tried to make excuses.

“Some asshole tried to blame this on the Cat in the Hat,” exclaimed the insulted messiah. “The Cat in the Hat for crying out loud! Does he think I don’t know who the Cat in the Hat is?”

Influential Christian religious leader Rev. Jesse Jackson made comments on the momentous second coming of Christ.

“He’s been gone a really long time,” said Jackson. “I figured he might not know who the Cat in the Hat is.”

Family Selects Grandma’s House To Host “Morton Mania III”

2008-11-18T08:09:00.000-06:00

Eugene, OR – Like many American families, the Mortons intend to spend Thanksgiving together, in the agonizing shackles of each other’s company. There will be traditions followed, carving of the turkey, wishing on the wishbone, and heavy drinking.

Hosting of the annual Morton family gathering is a prestigious honor, which passes from home to home each year. This year, on account of the dinner being held at Gladys and Tim’s house last year, is Grandma Morton’s turn.

“A couple of years back, I noticed that everybody fights on Thanksgiving,” explained 23-year-old Warren Morton. “You know, Grandpa gets drunk and starts telling all of his kids that they ruined his life. Then Dad and his brothers and sisters start yelling about girlfriends they stole and cars they wrecked. And the best part is when Grandma starts screaming, ‘you’re all a bunch of animals! If my mama were alive to see this!’ That’s when I started calling it Morton Mania.”

The tradition of a battle royale style fight between the Mortons has been going on for decades, but has only recently been named. Warren Morton says he is looking forward to the big headline match, but the openers will be quite entertaining.

“The night will kick off with Stone Cold Aunt Lily versus The Egg Nog,” said Warren. “Followed by Grandpa versus ‘His Disappointments’, then my favorite, The Iron Dad versus Ragin’ Uncle Bruce.”

Case of Tourette’s Complicates “Do As I Say” Rule

2008-11-14T08:51:00.000-06:00

Carson City, NV – As a general rule John Gardner is a good stepfather to his new wife’s teenaged sons. He is fair and strictly adheres to the rules of the house, not wanting to disrupt the effective system of discipline, which has served the boys so well.

However, Gardner has Tourette’s syndrome, a neuropsychiatric disorder that causes uncontrollable tics, both motor and vocal. Gardner displays a relatively rare vocal tic characterized by the shouting of obscenities. This fact makes it difficult for sixteen year old Brian and fourteen year old Peter to observe the long standing “Do as I say” rule.

“I try to listen to John,” said the distraught Brian. “But it’s hard when he says to do things like ‘f***the Pope.”

Gardner moved in with the family last year, which inspired a discussion between Mary, Gardner’s new wife, and her sons.

“I want you to show John the same respect you show me,” Mary told her sons. “Do whatever he tells you to do.”

Moments later, Gardner expressed his agreement wife the boys’ mother, adding “sh**, f***ers, Coke bottle in the rear.”

“Except that,” said Mary. “I don’t want any Coke bottles going anywhere weird.”

The teenage boys were told to use their judgment in determining which directives are legitimate, and which are random interjections resulting from the Tourette’s.

“I understand that I’m not your father,” Gardner told his stepsons. “But I love your…ass…I mean…f***…your mother…bitch!”

IRS Going Out of Business

2008-11-13T08:12:00.000-06:00

Washington, D.C. – The financial crisis seems to be affecting businesses, individuals, and organizations across the board. National electronics chain Circuit City has recently announced being in financial trouble, and the ambiguous house wares dealer Linens-n-Things will be closing its doors in the near future.

Unfortunately, the damage doesn’t stop with second-rate retail chains. Today, the Internal Revenue Service announced that they would be going out of business. Nobody knows exactly how to feel about it.

“We never wanted it to come to this,” said Benjamin Sherman, Assistant to the Director of the IRS. “Things just didn’t go the way we expected.”

Reportedly, the IRS has approached the federal government for assistance, only to be turned down. Lawmakers argue that this isn’t a mess for which the American taxpayers should be held responsible.

“If we go out of business,” passionately explained an agitated Sherman. “There won’t be any tax money! We are the revenue stream for the entire country! Re-Ve-Nue Service! Why are people so stupid?”

According to reports, the IRS is taking measures to minimize the loss. They have announced a going out of business sale at which taxpayer IDs and vital taxpayer information will be sold at bargain prices.

Final Popular Vote Actually Went to George W. Bush

2008-11-12T08:20:00.000-06:00

Washington, D.C. – A full week after the November 4^th general election, the last of the ballots have finally been counted. Shockingly, a large number of them were for the incumbent President George W. Bush.

“We were a little surprised as most people know that no President may serve more than two terms,” said elections official Craig Bartollo. “It seemed strange that so many people would vote for him despite his having no chance at victory.”

Unlike in the 2000 election, the cryptically pro-Bush votes were not concentrated in one pivotal state; they were evenly distributed across the nation. There was such a saturation of these votes that, this time anyway, President Bush won the popular vote.

“It was truly amazing,” stated Bartollo. “The total number of people who voted was upwards of one hundred and twenty-two million. Apparently, fifty-five million of those people voted for George Bush. If you add that to the number of people who voted for President elect Obama and Senator McCain, you get approximately one hundred and seventy-seven million people. That just isn’t possible. Somebody is cheating, I don’t now who, but I have my suspicions.”

Taking this information into account, experts are retracting allegations that President Bush’s previous victories were somehow unfairly won.

“If he won by this kind of margin this time, when he couldn’t even take office for a third term, then maybe he won fair and square the other two times,” said Nathan Greybeck, a political analyst. “I used to think that somehow, he rigged the first two, but he’s obviously got some support.”

Members of the Bush Administration are declining to comment on the strange outpouring of support for the incumbent. This massive number of votes comes during a time when George W. Bush is the least popular President in American history. A recent Gallop Poll shows that the voting public has more confidence in Checkers Nixon than George W. Bush, and would vote for the dog if that fictional election were to take place, despite Checkers being dead.

When questioned about the votes, the President simply laughed nervously and said, “oops.”

Whiskey Bottle Empties Self, Poisons Owner

2008-11-10T08:35:00.000-06:00

Detroit, MI – Carl Wright awakened this morning with a splitting headache, according to the police report. But he doesn’t remember what happened last night, Wright called police suspecting foul play.

“I sat down to watch TV last night and I opened that big bottle of whiskey to have a glass,” said the photosensitive victim. “I don’t remember anything after that. Either somebody broke in, clubbed me over the head, drank all of my whiskey, and left me lying unconscious on the couch, or that whiskey bottle is evil and it drugged me.”

After recreating the crime, police are still struggling to understand what happened.

“It is as Mr. Wright said,” stated Police Chief Lawson. “Either someone clubbed him to drink all of his gallon, sized, bargain whiskey, or the whiskey had a sinister role to play.”

Officer Larson continued to speculate.

“A likely scenario is that the whiskey, having been trapped in a barrel for no less than five years, as the label suggests, was eager to escape. Viewing Mr. Wright as its ruthless captor, the spirit plotted a devious escape. It would make its way to the refrigerator; dissolve illegally acquired tranquilizers into Mr. Wright’s favorite soft drink. The whiskey would then return to the locked cabinet in which it was stored. It waited for days until Mr. Wright consumed the drugged soft drink, and then opened the bottle. Once the bottle was open and Mr. Wright was unconscious, the spirit would pour from its vessel and escape by flowing under the door. It was a brilliant scheme.”

Officer Larson continued to explain that the possibility of a robber breaking in simply to steal whiskey was unlikely.

“That must have been some powerful drug,” said Wright. “Apparently, at some point in the night I vomited and I believe the whiskey defecated in my pants, just to add insult to injury.”

30% Of Americans Lost in “His Eyes”

2008-11-07T08:00:00.000-06:00

Chicago, IL – A recent poll of ten million Americans reveals a girlish infatuation with President Elect, Barack Obama.

According to the poll, nearly thirty percent of the participants have been distracted from the tumultuous state of events in the world and lulled into a sense of comforted awe by the Obama.

“No, no, I’m totally…um, I’m sorry what was I saying? (Sighs) It’s really great,” stated Bank Manager Paul Giacono. “You were asking me if I was-- I’m just really happy right now.”

American Statistics Analysis Inc. (ASA Inc.) is the Chicago based company that conducted the poll. The company was, allegedly, very careful to select a broad spectrum of participants to avoid excessive demographic concentration.

“We tried very hard to poll as diverse a group as possible,” said Jim Winthrop, Executive Vice President of ASA Inc. “We polled Obama supporters, McCain supporters, women, men, gay, straight, Mormon, Jewish, midget, you name it. They all seemed to be distracted by images of the President Elect on newspapers, buses, t-shirts, tattoos, and the like.”

Among the questions asked was a particularly pointed question about the current national economic collapse. Few people seemed concerned, responding with concise answers such as “Dreamy”, hysterical giggling, and comforted sighs.

No one can truly say what the future will hold, but…um…wow, I think everything is going to be okay.

*Special thanks to the Chicago Sun-Times for providing such a hypnotic photo.

Geese Migrating Just to Sh** on Bill’s Car

2008-11-06T07:59:00.002-06:00

Crown Point, IN – Bill Richardson parks his car on the same street every day. His parking space is directly in front of his apartment, which faces a three-acre park. Richardson admits that he’s pretty happy with where he lives and parks his car.

“I’m pretty happy with where I live and park my car,” said Richardson.

However, all of that happiness and good fortune go down the drain when the geese begin to migrate. Geese love sh**ing on Bill’s car.

“When it gets cooler in the fall, they sh** on my car,” said Richardson, wringing his hands and peering out the window to check on his car. “When it gets warmer in the spring, they come and sh** on my car. I’m at my wit’s end here. I tried shooing them away, but they just hiss at me and I think they actually sh** more after that.”

Richardson’s apartment faces a large park, the only one for a few miles. Twice per year, this park is a pit stop for Canadian geese. They are drawn to the area by its abundant crayfish population and night crawlers, which they feed on.

Family members have suggested that it is simply the risk of living across the street from a park.

“It’s only my car,” said an increasingly agitated Richardson. “I don’t get it, what did I do? I’m afraid they’re going to start sh**ing on me personally. And I can’t even figure out what they’re eating. I don’t know, it’s got to be like, house paint, or something.”

When contacted for comment, the geese were more than happy to speak out.

“Oh man, he noticed?” Eagerly questioned the flock’s leader, Ahgnghk. “Wow, that’s great. We f***ing hate that guy. We’ve been sh**ing on his car, almost exclusively for three seasons now. He even tried getting a new car, but we’re not dumb, we spotted that crafty bastard. At first I was just like, ‘Hey, check out this douche bag.’ But then, one morning, we were just trying to sleep and he comes running into the field swinging his jacket around and yelling. My flock was scared. So I got up, made my self look all big and hissed at him. He went away, but ever since then, oh, it’s been f***ing on.”

Ahgnghk (pronounced Ahg-hong-ik) confirmed that Richardson’s suspicions are true.

“Seriously, we don’t even need to migrate,” said the goose leader. “We just come here to f***with this guy. I mean, I’ve been eating all of the worst stuff I could find. I ate some house paint, about sixty mulberries, and some crazy sh** from the dumpster at Wendy’s. This guy’s car is toast. What’s his name, Bill? Hey, Bill, I’m coming after you!”

Chilling words from a migratory waterfowl, truly chilling words.

Nation Gripped By Boredom After particularly Uneventful Tuesday

2008-11-05T07:57:00.001-06:00

Cleveland, OH – This morning began like many other Wednesday mornings. Across the country, Americans woke up, went to work or school, did what they do every other Wednesday morning.

The difference? Nothing, nothing at all. Things are exactly the same as they were on Monday. In fact, many experts believe that yesterday may have been the beginning of the most boring period in American history.

Charles Barker, a ninety-two year old man, who lives just outside Cleveland, has seen many uneventful days in his time.

“I’ve seen some boring days,” said a nostalgic Barker as his hands moved furiously. “This might be the worst. I started using a loom, oh, about fifty years ago.” Barker weaves on his loom as he speaks, not missing a beat. “Sometimes, on boring days, like today, you need to keep away the boredom. You’ve got to have a hobby, like loom.”

With the recent economic trouble and political tensions, around the world, experts are suggesting that boredom may reach record highs.

Sally Walbarton sits on her porch deeply engrossed in a pile of tiny seashells. Walbarton is sixty-five.

“I like to find the tiniest ones I can,” Walbarton is barely aware that she’s addressing anyone. “I remember picking through shells during the most boring times in this nation’s history, the sixties for example.”

Nobody seems to know how we will get out of this rut. Experts agree on one thing though; nothing especially out of the ordinary has happened since yesterday morning.

Satirist Has Better Things to Do than Entertain You, It’s Election Day

2008-11-04T08:18:00.002-06:00

Chicago, IL – It’s finally here, November 4^th, Election Day. Today is possibly the most historic Election Day in American history. Voters will either be sending the first black man or the first woman into the White House. Also, if elected, John McCain would be the crustiest old white guy ever elected to the office.

Voter turn out is expected to reach an all time high today as those lazy procrastinators who didn’t already vote cram themselves into long lines to get to their local polling places. Many local law enforcement agencies expect the crowds, irritating lines, and pushy, obnoxious election workers to be the cause of some discontent. Though, near most major cities, the police are trying to hide the fact that they have ramped up their forces in anticipation of, what they call, “bat-shit craziness”.

In downtown Chicago, this evening, the Democratic Presidential Candidate, Barack Obama, will be holding an election night celebration. Not to make this too personal, but I will be there, take that. Sorry, I’m just very excited.

It’s possible, that the other guy, McCrain, will be having some kind of party as well, but that hasn’t been announced. Nor does anyone care. After all, an evening of prunes, Jimmy Buffet, and going to bed early is hardly a party.

It is not the intention of this publication to seem biased in any way, but we have more important things to do today, it’s freakin’ Election Day.

Early Voter Makes Mockery of Self, Democracy

2008-11-03T08:09:00.001-06:00

Louisville, KY – Chuck McHenry, a young voter, might just as well have stayed home this year. Having turned nineteen earlier this year, this was the first general election in which McHenry could vote.

According to disappointed friends and family, McHenry took the initiative and went to vote early. More than thirty states have authorized early voting in this general election.

“We expect the voter turnout this year to be huge,” said Mike Connelly, a volunteer at a Louisville area early voting site. “Mostly because of the historic nature of this election.”

Despite that historic nature, McHenry thought his vote would be put to best use amusing himself.

“Dave Matthews rocks,” shouted McHenry as he hopped out of his local polling place. “Now if, like, a bunch of other people vote for him, he could be president or something.”

Allegedly, McHenry indicated popular musician Dave Matthews as write in candidate for President.

“I don’t think Chuck should be allowed to vote, or listen to music,” stated Sharon McHenry, Chuck’s older sister. “I don’t even think he knows why this election is important.”

Chuck McHenry defends his selection.

“I don’t like either of the guys running for president,” argued an indignant McHenry. “They just want the same crap. I think they’re both lying. Now, we have a chance to have somebody like Dave Matthews in there. Dave Matthews.”

Godzilla Announces Support For Obama

2008-10-31T08:00:00.001-05:00

Endorsement Sends Tokyo Residents Into City-Wide Panic

Tokyo, Japan – Godzilla, King of the Monsters, has announced support for Democratic Presidential Candidate Barack Obama. The endorsement, which comes only days before the election, is being hailed by the Obama campaign as a welcome vote of confidence.

Godzilla has been a Republican as long as he has been registered to vote and argues that this isn’t a change of party, simply a change of ideals. A representative of the 120-story-tall-nuclear-powered-mutant dinosaur, told reporters that though both candidates promise change, Obama is the only one who proposes change Godzilla can agree with.

The announcement was made shortly after Godzilla dramatically rose from the sea and rampaged ominously into the center of Tokyo. Residents of Japan’s largest city began running, screaming through the streets. Currently, Monkey-breath.com has no Japanese-speaking correspondent, but some concepts transcend language. Even Tokyo residents are swept up into the political fervor that is gripping the United States.

Many Republicans vehemently opposed the validity of the celebrity endorsement, alleging that Godzilla’s opinion is irrelevant, as he cannot vote in the U.S. being a citizen of Japan.

“Godzilla is not a citizen of Japan,” stated Guy Yoroshiku, Head of Public Relations for Godzilla. “His parents were dinosaurs, born on the land that is now North America, Godzilla was born on that same land.”

Does this make Godzilla an American citizen? The courts say no, but that’s not the whole
story, says Yoroshiku.

“My employer was in suspended animation for sixty-five million years, at the bottom of the ocean,” explains the passionate PR representative. “He was both awakened and transformed by a nuclear bomb launched from the U.S. Because of this, the U.S. Supreme Court Decided in the benchmark “Monster Island v. The United States” case of 1958, that Monster Island was an American territory, giving Godzilla the right to vote. Also, due to sheer mass, he controls nine electoral votes.”

As the colossal voter barreled through the Tokyo streets declaring his support for the Illinois Senator, citizens of Tokyo were moved by his political enthusiasm. Many decided to shriek and sprint ahead of him, presumably clearing the way for global change.

Others were not so permissive. The Japanese military hurried to attack the giant constituent; some are saying the act was an unspoken endorsement of Obama’s opponent, Arizona Senator John McCain.

When asked to comment on the endorsement, the McCain campaign offered a cryptic statement.

“We’ve already got several monsters backing the Republican Party."

Mr. Owl Discredited for Unscientific Practices

2008-10-30T08:11:00.003-05:00

Berkeley, CA – Earlier this week, beloved mascot for Tootsie Roll Industries, Mr. Owl was relieved of his tenure at the University of California, Berkeley. The decision was made amid allegations of unscientific practices, and what administrators called, “psuedo-science”.

“He was often lazy, never thorough, and a slave to his own gluttony,” said Charles Whitmer, a member of the school’s administrative staff. “Never once in all his years teaching at this University did he make it all the way through an experiment without biting.”

According to reports, Mr. Owl was prone to attempting to use the scientific method for the exploration of whatever issue was at hand, but he always fell pray to an insane lust for biting.

“I think he was sick,” stated Jamie Muller, a former student of Mr. Owl. “I don’t mean, like, gross, or anything. Just sick. One time he was helping me pour some really thick chemical. We were measuring it out. I was like, ‘I need three milliliters’. So Mr. Owl goes, ‘One…a-Two-hoo…Three’, and he bites the graduated cylinder right in half!”

Staff members at the University were obviously pained as they emptied Mr. Owl’s office on Wednesday. One member of the custodial staff was particularly despondent.

“We even had to take his little graduation cap, I thought that belonged to him.”

MB Has Brush With Greatness, Writing Presidential Acceptance Speeches

2008-10-29T08:00:00.000-05:00

Washington, D.C. – Our Editor-in-Chief, Mr. Jackass is a man of many talents. He is an accomplished writer, having made his name preparing speeches for public officials. Of course, he can’t use his real name, or it would jeopardize the public opinion of his various enterprises. He writes speeches under the name Donald Drake.

In an effort to bridge the partisan gap, both presidential candidates chose to approach the same writer to prepare their respective acceptance speeches. They called Mr. Drake. After a meeting with each candidate, taking some notes, and getting an idea for what each of them wanted to say to the public, he began to craft a series of potential addresses for submission.

The following are a sampling of the speeches he prepared. The selection was made to ensure the most comprehensive cross-section of what Mr. Drake wrote.

Speech for McCain:

“My friends, I would like to thank you for electing me to lead this great nation. I’d like to congratulate that one on getting this far. I really didn’t think he would make it. But he surprised me, and took second place; also known as first loser. But I’m in charge now and once my seventy-three year old ticker goes out, Sarah will be in charge and God help, I mean bless, us all.

Speech for Obama:

“Look, um, thank you. I’m so proud to be given this opportunity to help move our great nation into the future. I’d like to thank my wife, Michelle, God, Senator Biden, and everyone else who has been so vital to this campaign. I’d like to congratulate Senator McCain for a battle well fought. Oh, and this time, he didn’t get captured.”

Speech for McCain:

“My fellow Americans, friends, Joe the Plumber, you’ve made a good choice. I’m a maverick. I don’t care what you want, you put me in charge, and I’m gonna do whatever I want. That’s what maverick means! I just go all willy-nilly and do whatever strikes my fancy.”

Speech for Obama:

“Thank you, thank you, it’s really an honor to be elected to this office. My opponent didn’t think it could be done. The GOP didn’t think it could be done. But we did it. There’s a black guy in da White House!”

Speech for McCain:

“You people are so freaking gullible! Ahhahahahahahahaha!” (Unveil giant terrible robot suit powered by nuclear power pants)

Speech for Obama:

(Just dance, pop and lock, or crump, or whatever it is called.)

There were dozens more written, but these were the most moderate and were strongly considered by both candidates. Inexplicably, the candidates purchased none of the speeches prepared by Mr. Drake. But he’s a trooper and will carry on.

First Guy at Work Not Recognized for His Contribution

2008-10-28T08:16:00.000-05:00

Detroit, MI – Earl McDonald has worked for the same company for nearly ten years. During his years of faithful service to Pratt and Associates, Inc. McDonald has been early for work almost every day.

Allegedly, the official start of the workday for Pratt employees is eight thirty in the morning, but McDonald arrives at work no later than seven thirty.

“I was just raised to be early for everything,” said McDonald. “Work is no exception.”

Some people are wondering, after so many years of earliness, why is McDonald not being recognized? Surely, his early arrival gives the company a head start on the workday.

“I think I should be recognized for being here an hour early everyday for almost ten years,” stated McDonald. “Maybe an award or something, yeah, I deserve it.”

McDonald presented, to management, a breakdown of what tasks make up his seven thirty to eight thirty hour.

Linda Tripp is McDonald’s immediate supervisor. She was willing to comment on her employee.

“He gave me a piece of paper that read; ‘surfing the web for porn, and pooping,” explained Tripp. “I don’t think he’ll be getting an award anytime soon.