Monkey Puns

Blind Chinese Dissident Escapes House Arrest Assisted Only by His White Red-Striped Walking Cane!

2012-04-30T12:44:00.000-07:00

Beijing, China –

Operating under the premise that children, the elderly and the handicapped are an invisible segment of our population in today’s modern society, a blind Chinese dissident escaped house arrest yesterday by recording and then looping the tapping sound he makes while walking with his white red-striped cane.

After making a few passes through his house, the visually impaired dissident then turned on the recording of the tapping noise, playing it for his unsuspecting captors.

As the bodyguards went about their daily routine of reading the newspaper, eating lunch and even engaging in light housekeeping, the blind man walked right out the front door to freedom.

“We’re so accustomed to ignoring the physically challenged,” said a clinical psychologist. “And those other two groups…um, that’s funny. Their names momentarily escape me. Any ways, they might as well be invisible, too.”

Apparently the dissident used his second-class social status of invisibility to his advantage, as he successfully escaped house arrest. Made his way down the driveway, walking right pass the armed guards stationed at their posts at the front gate of his home.

Then, once outside the compound, the blind man safely negotiated a pathway through downtown Beijing during the height of rush hour traffic. Which presented a greater danger to his life then his entire years under the watchful eye of the Chinese government.

Traffic cameras showed several close calls and near misses. However, the dissident persisted and emerged unscathed.

Finally reaching the sanctuary of the American embassy, the blind dissident tapped his way right passed the U.S. Marines guarding the embassy.

“We didn’t even know he was here,” said a spokesman for the U.S. envoy.

Not until the Chinese government informed the U.S. embassy of their missing dissident.

A quick search of the embassy grounds by American personnel initially turned up nothing, however.

“Until we checked our security cameras,” said the U.S. envoy spokesman. “And sure enough, there he was in the lobby. Just sitting there. Tapping away with his cane.”

Later, forensic analysis of the tapping determined the dissident was sending out a desperate plea in Morse Code: “WTF is wrong with you people? I want to defect. Can’t you see that? Are you blind or something? Holy [BLEEP] don’t tell me you’re hearing impaired too?”

Moments before embassy security cameras captured the blind man walking back-and-forth in front of the receptionist’s desk, asking to speak with a high ranking official. But he was completely ignored.

“She looked up from her magazine for a second,” explained the U.S. envoy spokesman. “But she didn’t see anything -- Just some blind guy mumbling to himself as he paced the floor.”

By that time, the dissident had tired. So he found a seat and sat down, waiting for the authorities to notice him by tapping out a message with his white red-striped cane.

Although the fate of the dissident is uncertain at this time, as to whether he will be returned to the Chinese government or remain in the protective custody of the U.S., who can say.

It is brinkmanship on the brink as to who will blink first: The Chinese or the Americans.

One thing is certain, however: Like the political stance he has taken, the blind dissident is no longer invisible.

“On the other hand, we’re in a presidential election year,” said an Obama White House official, asking not to be identified. “So either way, we’re screwed.”

No matter what course of action the Obama administration takes, the unidentified Obama official says he can read tomorrow’s GOP newspaper headlines today:

“’Obama’s Failed Foreign Policy Fails to Protect Free Speech in China!’” said the Obama White House official. “Or worse yet, ‘Obama’s Foreign Policy in China Literally Lead by Blind Man!”

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy:
wpclipart.com

Overcast Blamed in Swiss Sunshine Diet Death – Weatherman Facing Manslaughter Charge

2012-04-29T16:58:00.000-07:00

London, England –

Swiss authorities investigating the tragic death of a 50-year-old woman whom apparently starved to death while on an Indian guru diet, which consists of nothing but sunshine, surprised everyone today by declaring the local weatherman a person of interest in this bazaar case.

“The woman managed to live on nothing but pure sunshine for over a week,” said police.

That was, however, until the second week when she tuned into the local TV station for a weather report.

“The weatherman failed to mention overcast in the afternoon that fatal day,” said police.

As the woman laid out on a towel in her backyard for lunch, she was caught off guard by a sudden graying of the sky.

“Her husband come to her aid with a sunlamp,” said police. “But the extension cord wasn’t long enough.”

“No!!!” yelled out the husband as he fell to his knees, just feet away from his dying wife. Unplugged sunlamp in hand.

Later, paramedics attempted to revive the woman with their flashlights.

“But they weren’t powerful enough,” said the attending emergency physician who called the time of death.

“They say every cloud has a silver lining,” said the deceased woman’s distraught husband. “If that’s true, then the police will arrest and charge my wife’s killer with her death.”

“Tomorrow’s forecast?” said the local weatherman during his final broadcast. Police waiting in the studio to take him into custody, standing just out of sight of the cameras. “Rain.”

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy:
wpclipart.com

White House Correspondent’s Dinner Turns into a Secret Service Roast

2012-04-29T12:49:00.000-07:00

Washington, D.C. –

Last night at the White House corespondent’s dinner before an audience of politicians, celebrities and members of the media, President Obama and late night TV talk show host, Jimmy Kimmel took turns tag teaming each other. As they pulled no punches, taking jabs at the Secret Service for their recent sexual escapades involving Colombian hookers.

That was until a Secret Service agent approached the two.

Removing his dark sunglasses, the young agent politely asked for equal time to address the audience on behalf of his fellow Secret Service agents.

President Obama and Jimmy Kimmel just looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and handed over the mic to the agent.

“This is last minute so,” said the nervous Secret Service agent as he reached into his breast coat pocket. The audience cowered and cringed under their tables, believing the agent was about to pull out his service weapon.

“What?” said the agent, realizing what the audience was reacting to. “Oh…This is nothing to worry about. It’s just my short list of jokes. See?”

The audience let out a sigh of relief and resumed their seats.

“I really don’t have that much marital on me,” continued the agent, waving the sheet of paper in the air.

“Yeah,” yelled out a drunken heckler in the audience. “I bet that’s what she said!”

The audience roared with laughter.

“You’re right,” calmly replied the agent, taking on the heckler. “We deserve that. After all who did we think we were sleeping round with prostitutes, elected officials?!”

President Obama laughed so hard he doubled over, slapping his knee, which earned him a scowl from the fist lady and fellow politicians.

“So we screwed a few Colombian whores,” continued the now confident Secret Service agent. “At least we don’t screw the American public.”

No body in the audience laughed, except for Jimmy Kimmel who slapped a now stiff-necked President Obama on the back.

“Why so serious commander in chief?” Jimmy Kimmel asked the president. “You know --”

“Yes, I know,” said the president, cutting off Kimmel before he could finish his sentence. “It’s funny because it’s true.”

The Secret Service agent then put back on his dark sunglasses and signed off.

“Secret Service is in the House,” said the agent. “The White House, that is.”

The Secret Service agent then dropped the mic to the floor with a thud, causing such a ringing feedback President Obama, Jimmy Kimmel and everybody in the audience had to cover their ears.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Top 10 Things Mexican-Americans (A.K.A. “Pochos”) Can Do to Avoid Getting Deported Under Arizona’s SB 1070

2012-04-29T01:24:00.000-07:00

International Boarder --

With the United States Supreme Court's upcoming ruling seemingly favoring Arizona’s SB 1070 (and with the first Hispanic, Sonia Sotomayor, onboard) and other state legislators following close behind. Recent discussions in the mainstream media analyzing only scenarios of authorities stopping and detaining only the undocumented citizens among us in their new “Dragnet”, leaving it up to local law enforcement to solely define who is and who is not a U.S. (naturalized and undocumented) citizen.

All that rather than considering the second-class citizenship the new judicially vetted law, and others like it, is surely to deal out to Mexican-Americans (“Pochos”).

Well, we here at funfakenews.com have taken the liberty to confront these serious unaddressed issues with a smile. By publishing ten simple suggestions for all U.S. (naturalized and undocumented) citizens alike that happen to still look like they just crossed the boarder when in reality the border crossed them.

Let us pray it does not “Railroad” the rest of us in the process as well.

Remember as a U.S. (naturalized and undocumented) citizen you have nothing to worry about, even if you still happen to look like an illegal alien, whatever that means under today’s politically correct construct. Unless that is when pulled over by the Arizona (or other) police for probable cause, You Happen to…

10) You happen to…have your car radio tuned to a so-called “Mexican Radio” speaking station.

9) You happen to… wear a crucifix around your neck and make the sign of the cross when passing by a Catholic Church.

8) You happen to… refer to your sandals as huaraches instead of flip-flops.

7) You happen to… have your automobile maintenance log, which documents you performed 9 out the last 10 major car repairs yourself.

6) You happen to… admit your ancestors are from Mexico and maybe the Philippines, too.

5) You happen to… still have a 2008 Obama “Hope and Change” bumper sticker on the back of your car.

4) You happen to… have a multiple hyphenated Spanish surname printed on your driver’s license.

3) You happen to… get caught singing along with your car radio to your favorite song in three languages: English, Spanish and Spanglish.

2) You happen to… own a talking Chihuahua that eerily sounds a lot like George Lopez or that Taco Bell ad.

1) You happen to… produce a state certified birth certificate from Hawaii -- Oh yeah, that’s how all this started (again).

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Starbucks at Disneyland’s Pirates of the Caribbean: Yo Ho-Ho And a Double Mocha Latte!?

2012-04-23T14:11:00.000-07:00

Anaheim, California –

Starbucks and Disneyland have entered into a business alliance, agreeing to sell each other’s merchandise at each other’s establishments. The Seattle-based coffeehouse mogul’s patrons will be able to purchase Disneyland tickets at the counter, while Disneyland park goers will be able to order a cup of hot Java.

The decision to pair up for a joint venture came when a marketing survey commissioned by both the commercial titans showed Starbucks customers are acclimated to paying Disneyland prices, which is through the nose.

Park planners promise the changes will hardly be noticed.

“The first Starbucks will blend in with the theme park's multiple motifs,” said a spokesman for Disneyland. “Beginning with the ever-popular Pirates of the Caribbean ride.”

Modifications to the ride was last done early last decade when it was thought having a pirate (who by definition of occupation rapes, pillages and plunders) chase a woman around and around was politically incorrect.

“So we had the woman carry a plate a food,” explained the spokesman for Disneyland.

Making believe the pirate was chasing that instead of the woman, which lasted until the recent recession when the plate of food was taken down out of an abundance of caution.

“We didn’t want to appear as if we were contributing to the nation’s current food insecurity crisis,” said a spokesman for Disneyland.

Now the pursuer is the pursued as a Starbucks’ barista will be chasing the pirate, attempting to take his order.

Moreover, instead of raping, pillaging and plundering, now the Pirates of the Caribbean will be sitting down at an open-air café.

"Sipping on Starbucks’ coffee, espresso and double mocha lattes, while typing away on their laptops, Smart Phones and iPads," said a spokesman for Starbucks.

Not all changes will be visible to the naked eye, however. But rather heard with the ear, as modifications made to the lyrics of the Pirate’s of the Caribbean song is the most notable.

“Long gone are the lyrics: ‘Yo Ho-ho a Pirate's Life for Me,” said the Disney spokesman. “The Pirates of the Caribbean will now sing: ‘Yo Ho-ho a Barista’s Life for Me.”

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of:
wpclipart.com

Man with Bottle of Booze Up His Butt Joke

2012-04-22T11:10:00.000-07:00

Q: What Did the Doctor Say to the Man in the ER with a Bottle of Booze Up His Rectum?

A: Bottoms Up!

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Dick Clark Still Scheduled to Host New Year’s Rockin’ Eve 2013 TV Show Live

2012-04-19T16:57:00.000-07:00

New York, New York –

At first everyone thought it was incredibly brave and admirable of Dick Clark to have optimistically scheduled himself as the host of Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve 2013. Especially after his decision to return to the show despite his advanced years, suffering a debilitating stroke that slurred his speech and ironically being sued for age discrimination by an associate just a few years his senior that he referred to as a “dinosaur”.

That was until everybody discovered Dick Clark was not just being optimistic.

Writing provisions in his will, instructing his survivors to make preparations that will continue to allow him to host the show ‘indefinitely and in perpetuity’ after his death, Dick Clark has not only secured the title of America’s oldest teenager, but its first immortal one as well.

“With a little help from a medium, ouija board and a crystal ball, Dick Clark’s ghost will host this year’s New Year’s Eve bash,” said a spokesman for the Clark estate.

Dick Clark’s will also included a backup plan, however, should the seer fail to channel him from beyond.

“We’re also prepared to broadcast a giant hologram of his head live from the Time Square ticker board,” added the spokesman for the Clark estate.

Either way, Dick Clark will return to the airwaves come this New Year’s Eve.

So far, however, reaction to Dick Clark’s return to the airwaves postpartum from even the most ardent of his fans has been mixed and conflicted at best.

“I don’t know if he should continue to host the show,” said Jane, 67, who watched Dick even after he had a stroke. “But then again, it’s like my grandfather always said to me, ‘Jane, death is just Mother Nature’s way of telling you to slow down.’”

Maybe Dick Clark should lay low awhile and let someone else have a turn. You know, just until next year.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

‘Hunger Games’ Boosts Cinema Concession Stand Sales

2012-04-17T12:50:00.000-07:00

Hollywood, California –

Cinemas across the country are reporting record-breaking concession stand sales at theaters featuring the ‘Hunger Games’. The phenomenon was first noticed when sales for extra large size of popcorn took off before the flick was turned on.

“People usually buy a regular sized popcorn, which really in a small. And a best value sized soda, which really is a medium,” said Jeff, a concession stand worker “But ever since we started playing ‘Hunger Games’, we’ve been selling only the jumbo sized popcorn, which really is a medium. And a Bottomless Well sized soda, which really is just a large.”

It is believed that ‘Hunger Games’ moviegoers are being adversely impacted by food insecurity, a topic dealt with in the film.

“I guess watching Katniss fight for food so her district wouldn’t starve death made me appreciate free popcorn refills like never before,” said Jane, 16, a ‘Hunger Games’ fan. “I mean all have to do his fight my way through the concession stand line to get what I want and usually no body has to die. Usually.”

Ushers assigned to cleanup detail have noticed a change in consumer’s consumption as well.

“Surprisingly there’s less to pick up after the movie’s ended,” said John an usher.

Theater security cameras have recorded people seemingly picking up after themselves.

“They’re not so much picking up after themselves,” said a theater manager. “As they’re hoarding their leftovers.”

One manager, having tired of repeatedly turning down requests for Doggie Bags, has now placed a stack of them beside a condiment table.

“I have to replenish them several times throughout the day,” said the manager. “Twice during the matinee showing alone.”

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

‘Safe Sex for Seniors’ PSA Spot Hits the G-Spot, Not!

2012-04-13T18:45:00.000-07:00

Miami, Florida –

With thousands of Baby Boomers retiring everyday and with the introduction of Viagra into the bedroom, sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) are not the only thing on the rise (no pun intoned). No wonder health officials have decided to educate the elderly, the fastest growing segment of the population, on the practice of safe sex via a new public service announcement (PSA) targeting just them.

However, the ‘Safe Sex for Seniors’ PSA spots are not without controversy.

“Although fully clothed, an elderly couple is nevertheless depicted in various sexual positions, but it is for the expressed purpose of promoting safe sex,” said spokesman elderly rights group in defense of the PSA spots.

Young people have found the PSA spots objectionable, disgusted by the mere thought that their parents or grandparents were ever capable of having sex -- Much less still capable of having sex.

You be the judge. Are the following PSA spots yet to be aired less controversial (or any more palatable)?

The Condom PSA Spot

An elderly couple is portrayed carrying out their regular grandparent duties such as grandma baking an apple pie. However, as she slips on an oven mitt and bends over to pull out a freshly baked apple pie out of the oven, grandpa sneaks up from behind and plants a firm slap on grandma’s butt. They giggle, embrace and kiss.

As the elderly couple retires to their bedroom to engage in a sex act with each other, the camera focuses on the oven mitt on the bedroom floor with an accompanying voiceover: “Be sure you slip it on, before you slip it in.”

The Dental Dam PSA Spot

Grandpa removes his dentures, placing them in a glass by the bathroom sink. Then he opens up the medicine cabinet, two pills are dropped into the glass. They begin to dissolve immediately.

As the medicine cabinet is closed, grandpa is seen in the mirror’s reflection adjusting a dental dam over his lips.

The Latex Glove PSA Spot

Grandma, facing a pile of unwashed dishes sighs as she reaches for a pair of yellow dishwashing gloves.

As grandpa enters the kitchen he whispers something into her ear. Suddenly grandma smiles and she follows him into the bedroom.

Grandma pause a moment before entering the bedroom. And as she holds up each yellow glove above her head, she gives them each a form fitting snap.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

‘The Hunger Games’ Politically Incorrect Joke #2

2012-04-12T10:27:00.000-07:00

Q: Know where the next saga of the ‘Hunger Games’ movie trilogy will be filmed?

A: Hungary, of course.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

‘The Hunger Games’ Politically Incorrect Joke #1

2012-04-11T13:25:00.000-07:00

In The Hunger Games, the heroine, Katniss Everdeen, enters a deadly tournament for food, which she wins for her district.

In the politically incorrect alternate ending she wins as well. Except she chooses Chinese food and an hour later everybody in her district is hungry again. Oh well, back to the games.

Jesus Christ’s Rate of Ascension into Heaven Estimated by JPL Rocket Scientist

2012-04-08T11:53:00.000-07:00

Pasadena, California –

Rocket scientist, Herbert Montgomery, has been suspended from his position at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL) pending a personnel department hearing for having calculated the rate of ascension of Jesus Christ into Heaven on company time and using company equipment.

“If he would have used a slide rule or pocket calculator on his lunch break that would be different,” said a spokesman for JPL, denying Mr. Montgomery was being singled out for his faith. “Instead, he programmed a campus supercomputer to do complex non-scientific related calculations while on the clock.”

Factoring in all the variables such as the height and weight of Jesus (as a solid not an ectoplasm manifestation), his robe, sandals and compensating for atmospheric conditions of 2,000 years ago, the supercomputer came up with a familiar number: 17 miles per second, which is the acceleration rate a rocket must achieve to escape earth’s gravity.

Herbert has hired a lawyer to represent him in the disciplinary proceedings he faces from his employer, which he considers religious persecution and a test of his faith.

“There’s room for faith in the scientific mind,” said Herbert.

However, Herbert has drawn criticism rather than support from the religious as well as the scientific community. Both for his unauthorized undertaking of calculating the rate of ascension of Jesus into Heaven and for the errors in his data entry.

“According to the Gospel,” said Father Juan Gomez. “Jesus didn’t have a running start, taking a leap of faith into the air like some Superman character as Mr. Montgomery assumed.”

Father Gomez also questions anyone’s faith that has to be confirmed by a slide rule or supercomputer.

“Without the inertia generated by Jesus running and jumping, acting as additional propulsion,” said a JPL colleague of Herbert. “It is doubtful the Son of God ascended to Heaven as calculated.”

More likely Jesus made it to a low stationary earth orbit instead.

“Yeah,” Herbert replied. “But technically he’s still circling up there somewhere above our heads, right?”

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of:
wpclipart.com

McDonald’s Mega Millions Lotto Winner: “The ‘Hamburglar’ Stole My Ticket!”

2012-04-06T20:10:00.000-07:00

Washington, D.C. –

Despite being retired for years, today McDonald's ‘Hamburglar’ was implicated by the woman claiming to be the Mega Millions lotto winner for over a week now, although she has yet to produce any evidence of ownership of the lucky ticket.

“I was siting there under the golden arches,” now claims the Maryland woman, 37. “Minding my own business, sharing a Happy Meal with all 7 of my kids when the ‘Hamburglar’ sneaked up behind me and snatched the ticket out of my hand.”

The ‘Hambuglar’ then ran out of the McDonald’s restaurant.

The Maryland woman said she did not give chase because she was confident she would find the winning ticket in the parking lot somewhere.

“He probably dropped it on the way out,” said the self-proclaimed lotto winner, apparently expecting to pick it up off the floor.

The ‘Hamburgler’, who chose to respond to the accusation through his defense attorney, retired from the McDonald’s Corporation years ago.

After it was determined that he was contributing to children’s food insecurity by making them fearful that their food was about to be stolen from them by a little masked man.

The 'Hamburglar' then went to work as a lobbyist for the fast-food industry.

“My client is morally outraged and is currently considering legal action for defamation of character and slander,” said the ‘Hambuglar’s’ defensive attorney. “He has paid his debt to society for his former life of crime and is now gainfully employed as a lobbyist on K Street right here in Washington, D.C.”

The defense attorney then reminded everyone that his client is innocent until proven guilty.

“Besides,” added the defense attorney before drawing attention to a giant projector screen. “He has an airtight alibi.”

The attorney then rolled footage taken from a security camera that showed the ‘Hamburglar’ talking to several Congressmen in the lobby of the House of Representatives on Capitol Hill.

Although the ‘Hamburglar’ had his back to the camera there was no mistaking him for anyone but himself, as he was wearing his distinctive trademark clothing: a black hat, eye mask and cape. Red gloves and tie with a black and white striped prison uniform.

“As you can see my client couldn’t have stolen that Mega Millions lotto ticket,” said the defense attorney. “He was just too busy doing his job, lobbying our elective representatives.”

The ‘Hamburglar’ then turned, facing the security camera. He was wearing a T-shirt that read: “Remember, Vote Yes for ‘Pink Slime’!”

“I’m not worried about being sued,’ said the Maryland woman. “Because when I find my winning ticket, I’ll hire the best lawyer my Mega Millions lotto money can buy. Or better yet, the best lobbyist on K Street. By the way, have you seen my winning lotto ticket?”

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Spike Lee Tweets Strongest Denial Yet of Involvement in Today’s Racial Edit of the George Zimmerman 911 Call

2012-04-03T19:54:00.000-07:00

Still smarting over having Tweeted the wrong address of George Zimmerman, resulting in the harassment of an elderly couple bearing the same surname, Spike Lee wasted no time today disavowing any involvement in NBC’s Today Show editing of the George Zimmerman 911 tape. Which made George Zimmerman sound like the media’s perception of what they have depicted him to be: a racist.

Here follows what Spike Lee Tweeted. You be the judge if he went far enough to distant himself from this latest controversy and defuse the inflated racial tension:

“Yo, I don’t do TV” -- Spike Lee

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Spike Lee Tweets New Controversial Film Project

2012-04-02T20:00:00.000-07:00

Inspired by the Trayvon Martin tragedy, Spike Lee recently tweeted his decision to remake a series of films originally made by fellow filmmaker, Quentin Tarantino. The two movies -- Kill Bill and Kill Bill 2 -- are an homage to the Kung Fu exploitation films of the 1970s.

To bring the movies up to date however, Spike Lee is re-titling them: Kill George and Kill George 2

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Talk Radio Gives ‘John The Baptist Show’ the Axe

2012-04-01T14:52:00.000-07:00

Los Angeles, California –

Citing low ratings, Talk Radio KFI 640 AM management gave its latest religious themed show the axe, pulling the plug during the first half-hour of its premiere episode.

“We had hoped the show could ride on the coattails of our very popular ‘The Jesus Show’,” read a press release by the station’s management. “Apparently, we were wrong.”

Believing ratings would be served up to them on a silver platter, station programmers scheduled the ‘John The Baptist Show’ immediately following ‘The Jesus Show’.

“All marketing demographics indicated the show should have been a success,” said a radio critic.

However, according to a KFI insider, the show was doomed from the start.

“Jesus didn’t want the John show on the air to begin with,” said an assistant producer who asked not to be identified. “He thought it would cut into his market share of followers.”

So Jesus sabotaged the ‘John The Baptist Show’ by meddling with its scheduling.

Critics confirmed scheduling is what did in the show, arguing that debuting the show on Palm Sunday and on April Fools’ Day was just too much of a handicap for the show to overcome.

“You might say it was like taking a 9mm double tap to the back of the head,” said one critic.

Listeners called into the ‘John The Baptist Show’ saying that they were confused.

“I didn’t know if the ‘John The Baptist Show’ was real like ‘The Jesus Show’. Or just another April Fools’ Day prank,” said a caller.

Jesus of ‘The Jesus Show’ refused to comment on the cancellation of the ‘John The Baptist Show’ except for releasing the following written statement:

“You shall bruise him in the head. And he shall bruise you in the heel.” -- Genesis 3:15

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of:
wpclipart.com

Winning Mega Millions Lotto Ticket Found in Pocket of Man Struck by Lightning Twice, Involved in Deadly Car Crash Too

2012-03-30T20:01:00.000-07:00

Inland Empire, California –

A man, whose identification is being held back by authorities pending notification of next of kin, was certified by California State Lotto officials as the holder of the winning ticket of the $640 million dollar jackpot.

“We found the winning ticket in his front outer breast coat pocket,” said the emergency medical technician (EMT) that responded to the 911 call. "He must have tucked it back in moments before he died."

The man had just purchased the winning ticket at the local liquor store. And after watching the results of the lotto on the monitor with others in the liquor store, he realized he was the winner of more than half a billion-dollars.

“He called the State Lottery officials on his cell phone right on the spot,” said the liquor store manager, who sold the winning ticket.

Due to the unusually large amount of the jackpot, State Lottery officials confirmed to the man that he was the winner, advising him to sign the back of the ticket, photocopy it and to put it in a safe place.

“We were all so happy for him,” continued the liquor store manager. “And were wishing we could all be him.”

That was until the lottery ticket winner drove way.

Literally moments after waving the winning ticket in the air and carefully tucking it into his breast pocket and getting into his car, the Mega Millions Lotto winner pulled out of the liquor store parking lot just to get hit by a truck as he attempted to merge with traffic.

“We all thought he was dead,” said the liquor store manager.

Remarkably, the lotto winner emerged from the smoldering wreckage of his car unscathed.

“We all cheered when he saw he was still alive,” said a fellow lottery player from the liquor store that rushed out with others to help the lucky ticket holder.

Unfortunately, as the lotto winner pulled out his jackpot ticket from his breast pocket, kissing it and then waving it in the air above his head, he was struck to death by lightning twice by a passing freak storm cell.

“Well, I guess it just wasn’t meant to be,” said the liquor store manager as he hung a sign claming credit for the place where the biggest winning ticket was sold. All the while his employees sweep the parking lot clear of the broken glass and ashes of the former Mega Millions lottery winner.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Spike Lee’s Controversial Curriculum Vitae Tweet

2012-03-28T20:40:00.000-07:00

Spike Lee, the world famous African-American movie actor/writer/director/producer, has recently come under fire for not only inadvertently Tweeting the wrong residential address of the alleged hate criminal, George Zimmerman, which resulted in the harassment of an innocent elderly couple. But apparently for turning it into his Curriculum Vitae as well. You be the judge:

“Word up, y’all!” Spike Lee began his Tweet innocently enough to his quarter of a million followers. “He Got Game’ so ‘_ he’s Gotta Have It’. Now let’s ‘Do the Right Thing’ by any means necessary, just like ‘Malcolm X’. And give this SOB ‘Summer of Sam’, ‘Mo’ Better Blues’, ‘School Daze’ style. You Dig? -- Spike Lee out!!!”

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

‘Pink Slime’ Joke #2

2012-03-28T07:14:00.000-07:00

Q: What’s the Pope’s official designation for the paranormal scientific term for positively charged bovine ectoplasm, the beef byproduct made of trimmed fat and nerve tissue treated with ammonia that the meat industry is calling ‘lean, finely textured meat’, or more popularly known as ‘Pink Slime’?

A: Holy Cow!

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Geraldo Rivera Issues ‘Hoodie’ Retraction

2012-03-27T15:14:00.000-07:00

New York, New York –

“Ladies and gentlemen. Moms and dads everywhere,” said Gerald Rivera on Fox TV as he began his retraction for his controversial hoodie remark. “I want to issue a retraction for my anti-hoodie statement the other day. It created a controversy that was unintentional. And unnecessarily distracted the public’s attention away from the real issue at hand.”

Geraldo Rivera paused, looking down at the copy he was reading and that he held in his hands. Then he set it aside.

The executive producer who was watching Geraldo Rivera from the control room readied to give the kill switch signal to the director.

However, Geraldo Rivera went on to say that he was wrong to attribute equal fault on the hoodie for the tragic death of a teenager in Florida.

The executive producer in the control room breathed a sigh of relief.

“The way anyone dresses on the outside has absolutely nothing to do with who they really are in the inside,” said Geraldo Rivera. “Hoodies are not to blame for unwarranted suspicion or unsolicited attacks on today’s youth by other youth or the authorities.”

Geraldo Rivera then reached way down deep inside himself to reach out to the viewing audience as only he can.

“Now, I want you to get up from your couch,” said Geraldo Rivera. “And walk over to your kid’s bedroom and look through their closet right now.”

The executive producer in the control room looked puzzled, but he did not give the kill switch signal.

“I’ll give you a moment to do that,” said Geraldo Rivera in his seemingly one-to-one conversation with his viewing audience. “Are you there yet? Okay, now see that hoodie? Well, leave it alone. I want you to look pass it despite what I said about it yesterday. And I want you to look for another particular piece or pieces clothing instead.”

“Oh no!” yelled out the executive producer in the control room as he gave the kill switch signal in a panic. “There he goes again!”

“You see,” continued Geraldo Rivera as he pulled out from under his desk the control room’s kill switch, holding it up in the air on-air. “It has come to my attention that troubled teens have given up wearing gangster hoodies since I last spoke out against them.”

Security guards quickly surround Geraldo Rivera and soon a struggle ensued.

“Remember, America,” Geraldo Rivera shouted from atop his desk, fending off the security guards with rolled up copy in his hand. “You’ve been warned! If you see a teenager walking your way wearing a short-sleeved white shirt, black necktie and an engraved plastic nametag, for your safety, I beg you run for your life.”

Finally, the security guards gained control of Geraldo Rivera, pulling him down from off his desk.

“Today’s troubled teens have given up the gangster hoodie look,” said Gerald Rivera now panting, as he is lead away in handcuffs. “Now they’re going for the proselytizing young Mormon look instead! You’ve been warned America! You’ve been warned!”

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of:
wpclipart.com

Casey Anthony Baptism Joke#2

2012-03-22T13:48:00.000-07:00

Q: What did the church ladies whisper to each other when Casey Anthony got baptized in order to see her daughter Caylee in Heaven someday?

A: “Too bad mom will be going to the other place.”

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of:
wpclipart.com

Casey Anthony Baptism Joke#1

2012-03-22T12:54:00.000-07:00

Q: What did the Reverend say to Casey Anthony when she sought his spiritual advice on getting baptized?

A: "Baptism? Don’t you mean exorcism?"

Photo Courtesy of:
wpclipart.com

‘Pink Slime’ Joke #1

2012-03-18T17:40:00.000-07:00

Q: What’s the paranormal scientific term for the beef byproduct made of trimmed fat and nerve tissue treated with ammonia that the meat industry is calling ‘lean, finely textured meat’ or more popularly known as ‘Pink Slime’?

A: Positively Charged Bovine Ectoplasm.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

‘Pink Slime’ Positively Charged Bovine Ectoplasm -- “Don’t Worry Be Happy”

2012-03-18T13:38:00.000-07:00

New York, New York –

Millions of Americans have absolutely no need for concern over the presence of Pink Slime in their beef. In fact, if you are not already beginning to feel good about Pink Slime chances are by the end of this story you will be. Why? You may still care to ask. Because it has been positively charged with good emotions.

“You see,” said a spokesman for the meat industry. “Before humanely putting down [killing] the cattle in many of our ergonomic processing facilities [slaughterhouses], we have two Catholic priests, a young one and an old, perform an exorcism on the bovine. Expelling all the demonic forces that taint the meat and haunt the byproduct of lean, finely textured meat [Pink Slime].”

As the bovines are slaughtered, positive images are projected onto the walls of the killing room, synchronized to a soundtrack playing, “Don’t Worry Be Happy” by Bobby McFerrin (1988).

“And not just any positive images,” said a spokesman for the USDA. “But good wholesome images of American.”

One-by-one as the cattle are humanely electrocuted to death, images of Americana flash before their tear-filled brown eyes, as blood splatters on the walls of the killing room.

Images of apple pie, kids playing baseball in a dusty vacant lot and grandma knitting a quilt, while rocking back-and-forth next to a cool pitcher of lemonade on a nearby table on a porch on a hot summer’s day.

Once the blood is drained and the cattle carcasses are cut up, the fat and nerve tissue, which was once used solely in dog food, is subjected to further processing making it fit for human consumption.

“Now that’s progress,” said the meat industry spokesman.

Still possessed by demonic forces, however, the Pink Slime is then rendered inert by one final step in the processing.

“We sprinkle it with holy water,” said the meat industry spokesman, who later recanted. “Actually, it's ammonia-treated water blessed by a priest.”

However, by the end of this final processing, the Pink Slime is still possessed.

"Only this time, it is by supernatural forces with good attitudes and positive outlooks on their past lives," said the meat industry spokesman.

“Holy Cow!” exclaimed Marvin Munkmier, who no longer cares what they put into his beef. “This meat not only tastes good. It makes me feel good too.”

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of:
wpclipart.com

Russell Brand and Katy Perry Breakup Joke # 2

2012-03-14T20:27:00.000-07:00

Denying that she has been distracted by her breakup with Russell Brand, Katy Perry recently took to the stage performing one of her major hits, against better judgement .

Katy Perry began singing her controversial hit 'I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It' when suddenly something dashed out in front of her, momentarily breaking her concentration:

“♪ I Kissed a -- SQUIRREL!!!”

Katy Perry sang, as a furry creature scurried and nestled between her feet.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.