Monkeys Throwing Darts

Let's wrap up the college football season

noreply@blogger.com (Derwood Morris) — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 04:44:00 +0000

With a nice list of football phrases I never want to hear again.

"Prepare your team to play under adverse conditions"
"Quick strike"
"Third and manageable"
"Field awareness"
"You've got to challenge your team's pride"
"Look at yourselves in the mirror and come out with some fight"
"That's body part awareness"
"He's a chain mover"
"He runs behind his pads"
"Assignment football"
"These teams don't like each other"
"There's no love lost"
"He figures prominently"
"Pull the ball down"
"Plus territory"
"Jumps the route"

[Phrases in BOLD: I don't have any idea what the phrase could possibly mean]

College Basketball Wednesday

noreply@blogger.com (Derwood Morris) — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 04:50:00 +0000

Time for the MTD college hoops round up from a busy Wednesday.

Let's start in Charleston, where the host Cougars extended their home winning streak to 14 games with a 71-65 win over Tennessee.

* What's worse, the name Skylar McBee, or Skylar McBee's mustache?

* ESPN color commentator Adrian Branch's "refreshing" count: 5

He also provided viewers with the following two items:

1. (Heading into a media time out) "Hustle, bustle, zeal, zest, zip."

2. (On Tennessee struggling and calling a time out) "It's about the hustle...it's about the bustle...it's like 'where's my team'. And the pressure."

Branch then boarded his spaceship to the roof.

* It's taken years and cost us thousands of goldfish, but someone finally knows how to grade basketball I.Q., and it's ESPN's Jay Williams.

On the Florida International-Maryland broadcast, Williams handed out grades to Terps guard Terrell Stoglin.

Here was part of the graphic:

BASKETBALL I.Q.

Last year: C
This year: A-

Thanks, Jay.

* Staying with Williams, here's four things he said in a two-minute span:

"The game slows down for you"
"Cohesive unit"
"Full head of steam"
"A battle of attrition"

* More FIU-Maryland. ESPN play-by-play man Rob Stone just said FIU's Dominique Ferguson was wooed by programs like Duke and North Carolina, but "chose to come to Miami and play for Isiah Thomas".

* During the Baylor-Bethune Cookman game, FOX Sports Southwest's Greg Lucas dropped what folks in the south like to call "some knowledge":

"Bethune Cookman used to be a trade school, mainly for girls...then it was an all-black university. Now it's...(long, painful silence)...all-ethnic."

Bethune Cookman University: All-Ethnic Since Greg Lucas Has No Idea

Name of the Night

Jawanza Poland - South Florida junior guard

Made-Up Name I'd Like To See In The Next 10 Years

Z'Vontae Noodles

The MTD Guide to Bowl Season

noreply@blogger.com (Derwood Morris) — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 17:50:00 +0000

College football's bowl season kicks off Saturday with the New Mexico Bowl, and finishes up right around Easter. The staff at MTD has you covered for all 34 bowls.

New Mexico - Wyoming vs. Temple

Temple has the 7th-best rushing offense in the nation, led by Bernard Pierce, who rushed for 1,232 yards and 20 TD (his 149 yards and five-TD performance against Maryland didn't count because of the new Maryland Rule™). Meanwhile, Wyoming's rush defense is sixth-worst (230 yards/game), though the Cowboys are 1-0 all-time in the New Mexico Bowl.

Famous Idaho Potato - Ohio vs. Utah State

I'm not sure Idaho potatoes are even famous anymore. It's time for us to find something else Idaho can do. Great bowl name, part 1: Utah State quarterback Chuckie Keeton.

New Orleans - Louisiana-Lafayette vs. San Diego State

Travel fact: terrible teams from California never do well when they have to fly across country and play equally-terrible teams.

Beef O'Brady's - Florida International vs. Marshall

Chili dog recipe

- 1 hot dog
- 1 hot dog bun
- Beans
- Ground beef
- Chili O'Clock™ hat

Put on hat. Make chili, preferably in a bath tub. Heat up hot dog, pour chili on top of hot dog. Serves one.

Poinsettia - TCU vs. Louisiana Tech

Hey, TCU: congratulations on a 10-win season that included a conference championship and a road win over No. 5 Boise State. Now, go play Louisiana Tech on a Wednesday in the Poinsettia Bowl.

Maaco - Boise State vs. Arizona State

Hey, Boise State: congratulations, you won 11 games, including beating Georgia, and were a one-point loss from going undefeated. Now, go play 6-6 Arizona State in the Maaco Bowl.

Hawaii - Southern Mississippi vs. Nevada

Southern Miss somehow lost to Marshall and UAB, but won its other 11 games by an average margin of 20 points. The Golden Eagles' rush defense is solid, while Nevada collects over 250 rushing yards per game. Great bowl name, part 2: Southern Miss defensive back Furious Bradley.

Independence - Missouri vs. North Carolina

How to get a cat down from a roof:

Climb up onto the roof and grab the thing before it runs away. While still holding the cat, get down from the roof.

Little Caesars - Western Michigan vs. Purdue

1. Marshall has played in the Little Caesars (formerly the Motor City) Bowl five times.
2. Marshall won the Caesars/Motor City three consecutive seasons (1998-2000)

Belk - Louisville vs. N.C. State

The Belk Bowl? Come on.

Military - Air Force vs. Toledo

This game would be a lot better if it was played on another day besides a Wednesday, at a time other than 4:30 in the afternoon, and if two other teams were playing in it.

Holiday - California vs. Texas

We said it back on October 13, but the Golden Bears have not been the same since the Presbyterian game, finishing 4-5 after a 3-0 start. Some people think Texas is worth watching because it has the less-talented brothers of the school's former star quarterback and wide receiver, but I've never met any of those people.

Champs Sports - Florida State vs. Notre Dame
Great bowl name, part 3: FSU lineman Sterling Lovelady.

Alamo - Baylor vs. Washington

I knew when Washington beat Eastern Washington back on September 3 that we'd be counting down the days until the Huskies played Baylor in the Alamo Bowl. I remember when we hit the magical 47 mark. Now, finally, that day is just 16 more days away.

Armed Forces - BYU vs. Tulsa

Poem

"Bank Robber"

The masked mandolin
tried to Ron a bank,
but forgot his gum
and was sent to gel for lice.

Pinstripe - Rutgers vs. Iowa State

Finally, college football fans get what they want: Rutgers and Iowa State. The winning coach gets to massage former Yankees' manager Stump Merrill's hemorrhoids.

Insight - Oklahoma vs. Iowa

Weave found

Meineke Car Care - Texas A&M vs. Northwestern

The only time Northwestern has won a postseason game was in the 1949 Rose Bowl. It's been eight consecutive losses since, including that famous 2003 Motor City Bowl loss to Bowling Green.

Sun - Georgia Tech vs. Utah

Tech's rushing attack (3rd in nation, 316 YPG) goes up against Utah's rushing defense (7th, 97 YPG).

The head coaches-Paul Johnson and Kyle Whittingham-putting their hands on some helmets.

95% chance someone just beefed.

Kraft Fight Hunger - UCLA vs. Illinois

Liberty - Cincinnati vs. Vanderbilt

Vandy's coach from 1997-2001 was Woody Widenhofer. And people wonder why this program has only been to five bowl games in 108 years.

Peach Bowl - Virginia vs. Auburn

Great bowl name, part 4: Virginia defensive tackle Buddy Ruff.

TicketCity - Houston vs. Penn State

Celery Man, TicketCity Bowl publicity photo
[Photo aged three hours]

Capital One - South Carolina vs. Nebraska

So, you purchased your first mashed potato pit.

1. Congratulations
2. Jump in and have fun
3. But not too much fun (supper's at 6)

Gator - Ohio State vs. Florida

This match up would've been great in ANY other season.

Outback - Georgia vs. Michigan State

The reward for finishing as runners-up in the SEC and Big Ten: Tampa!

Wait, that didn't come out right.

Tampa&

Cotton - Arkansas vs. Kansas State

What's going on here?

Any ideas, please email thislady@embarrassmenttomyfamily.com

BBVA Compass - SMU vs. Pittsburgh

How to get a grandfather down from a roof:

Climb up onto the roof and grab the thing before it runs away. While still holding the grandfather, get down from the roof.

GoDaddy.com - Northern Illinois vs. Arkansas State

Great bowl name, part 5: Arkansas State coach Hugh Freeze.

Rose - Oregon vs. Wisconsin

Great bowl name, part 6: Oregon kicker Alejandro Maldonado.

Fiesta - Oklahoma State vs. Stanford

Could potentially be the best of the 83 bowl games as two great offenses go at it in Tempe. Winner gets one tortilla chip to split amongst the players, coaches and band members.

Sugar - Michigan vs. Virginia Tech

People think Virginia Tech being invited to the Sugar Bowl is the biggest travesty of the 2011 football season, but those people keep forgetting UCLA still has one more game to play.

Biggest travesties of the 2011 football season

1. The Kansas defense
2. UCLA playing in a bowl
3. Virginia Tech in the Sugar Bowl
4. Charles Davis on FOX's broadcast of the Big Ten championship game

Orange - Clemson vs. West Virginia

Clemson coach Dabo Swinney got to a BCS bowl in his third full season, setting the modern record for quickest a Dabo has gotten to a BCS bowl.

[Note: Dabo Derden, head coach of Feathers College took the Alawitzes to the Derwood Bowl in 1908.]

BCS Championship - LSU vs. Alabama

It's about time these two teams, and the Southeastern Conference as a whole, got some national attention. All year it was North Texas this and Western Kentucky that. I've had enough of this Sun Belt bias.

The Dorfmans Tucked Up Those Pajamas

noreply@blogger.com (Derwood Morris) — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 04:04:00 +0000

Before Monday, the Oakland Golden Grizzlies were known for one thing: their head coach, Greg Kampe, who looks exactly like Kent Dorfman.

But that's all over with now. Just like Dorfman, who broke out of his shell at Faber and by the end of his freshman year he was yelling at Neidermeyer, Kampe's team broke out against Tennessee last season, winning 89-82 in Knoxville. Monday, the Dorfmans did it again. Behind NBA talent Reggie Hamilton, who scored 35 points and was a perfect, 15-of-15 from the free throw line (the team was 28-of-31), Oakland arrived wearing their pledge pins and knocked off the Vols again, 89-81.

Wins for the Summit League over SEC teams is good.

Mevs' Thanksgiving Day Picks

noreply@blogger.com (Mevs) — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 20:30:00 +0000

One of my favorite holidays is finally here, and I'm here to give you the picks you could certainly live without but just might stumble upon and find something that you like.

Thanksgiving is a time that everyone should sit back and recognize what they're appreciative of. It could be fairly simple or it could be something large. I realize this time of year every year despite all of the incessant bitching that I do, I have it pretty good. In fact, I wouldn't trade places with anyone in this world. At least not at this moment. Ask me on Monday when I have to go back to work and I'll most likely say I want to be the President or Tom Brady or someone else that doesn't have to beg, borrow, and steal for a living. But for right now, I'll be content to eat about four meals tomorrow, none of which I had to make myself and hopefully I get to see most of these three gems that we've got going tomorrow.

The first game of the day is the one I've had circled on my calendar all year. I've had a feeling about this one.

Green Bay at Detroit (+6)
I really like the Lions to shock the world in this one. I not only think they'll cover, but I think they'll find a way to score 7's on a few more possessions than the Packers will. I am loving Detroit this season, they are explosive and fun to watch. Their coach is a shit-stirring little mousey prick. Give me the Lions over the Pack 34-30 in a game that people will remember seeing on Turkey Day for a while.

Miami at Dallas (-7)
Can anyone tell me about this little Turkey Day history lesson:

The Dolphins might be 4-1 on Turkey Day, but Dallas is just playing too well right now. Demarco Murray is a stud, a future star in the NFL and they've finally realized that it's more effective to run the ball rather than swing pass you to death.

I'm all over the Cowboys in this one. Cowboys 27, Miami 9 right around the time you need to take a nap.

Onto our next match-up.

Green Bean Casserole (+4) vs. Broccoli Bake
Mom always made me green bean casserole, and I've been hooked my whole life. I'll miss it tomorrow. The in-laws make something called Broccoli Bake which is basically a few pieces of green vegetable buried inside some cheese.

Pumpkin Pie vs. Pumpkin Roll (+10)
Another underrated delight of this festivus. So you're telling me that I can get the whip cream and pumpkin flavor without even having to put in the work of applying the high calorie topping? Count me in, and cut me another piece.

Winter Warmer (-8) vs. Wine with dinner
I'm going to pick up some Harpoon and hope for the best.

Prime Rib (-14.5) vs. Ham
Why have I ever wasted my time with ham? Ham can suck a big one. It does nothing for you. It's often dry. It's honestly the ugly stepbrother of Canadian Bacon and I have to have it shoved in my face for all the big time holidays. Always hated when mom or grandma had a ham in the oven.

Small talk with your in-laws vs. Doing Black Friday in New York City (PUSH)
For the first time ever on MTD, I'm predicting a tie. That's because both of these are hideous and they're both going to occur for me in the next 48 hours! Forget me watching LSU and Arkansas on Friday and laying around with my hand down my pants like a slob. I'll be waking up at 6 am to head to New York City to just 'be part of it all' as my wife would say. No destination. No real plan. Certainly not enough money to buy anything in that elitist city. I'm just going to be 'part of it'. Terrific. You guys all enjoy the great NCAA games while I get crotch chafing from all the miles I walk and pay 8.00 for a water with lemon when I stop to rest my head.

But, like I said it's a push. I don't know why it's so hard for me to feel at home with my second family. My mother in law is great. I love her uncles. But there is always one guy who marries into the family that has to be a huge dick. I'm looking at you, Uncle John. That's right. Last year when you sat there and watched the Dallas game while I had to clean up, I was insanely jealous of you. You lazy, high school principle. Sorry we can't all have two weeks off this time of year. Don't move, I'll clean up your plate and soiled napkin while you continue to ignore me because my wife asked me to. Don't lift a finger.

There is one of these in every family I assume. At least one.

Finally, we have the Har-bowl.

San Francisco at Baltimore (-3.5)
Look, San Francisco's defense is nasty and all; but big brother is going to take the younger brother to school. And I'm sure at game's end the real storyline will be all about two brothers embracing at midfield and sharing in a Thanksgiving rendition of koombaya. This should be an absolute slugfest and I wish I had NFL Network to watch it. We'll go Ravens 17, 49ers 13.

I want to wish everyone who wanders here and reads MTD regularly a safe and happy Thanksgiving. Be thankful, if for nothing else; for another year. We're all fortunate in some way shape or form. And thanks to MTD the man to letting me have this terrific forum to go .500 on my picks each week. I've been promising you deliverance and tomorrow, we shock the world and dine on marshmellow beats! Fiyyyyyyah!

Mevs' Weekly NFL Picks: Week 9

noreply@blogger.com (Mevs) — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 17:00:00 +0000

Is there anything really better in life than November Rain by Guns N Roses? The song commemorates our entry into the second best month of the year--followed by mostly everyone's favorite month. This is the month we find out who is for real and who is a pretender in the NFL. The football weather will be here soon if it hasn't reached you already and Thanksgiving turkey is just around the corner.

This month also happens to be my birthday. Next week I'll be turning 29. I am officially old as fuck--no one celebrates their 29 birthday and means it. This is the birthday that you kind of just have happen and sit around and assess your life and how little you've done with it. I mean I haven't really accomplished the goals that I had thought I would.

Let's review:

1) Become a professional baseball player. Well, don't think this is going to work out. I didn't hit well enough in college with a metal bat and last summer I played in a wood bat league and hit barely .200 for the season. I'm not in great shape anymore--not fit enough to leg out a triple should I hit one in the right spot. I'm either going to retire forever next summer or probably hit under the Mendoza line and retire after that. Either way, my 'career' that never was is on life support. I guess all that time I spent practicing my autograph when I was ripping up high school pitching was for naught.

2) Buy my mother a large home and RV. This one could have been 1a. I am sorry Mom, but this was a package deal with me signing a pro contract. You still live in the same house I grew up in. At least it's furnished. If you ever lose it I would like to offer you my guest room. You also have your own bathroom, as you know.

3) Become a professional sports agent. This one came after realizing in college that I didn't do anything well enough to be a pro ballplayer. I was going to work with some teammates who I thought were going to be pro athletes and go to law school. My friends blew their arms out, had children, or generally kicked around the minor leagues and didn't make it to the big time. Not one of them. I also decided not to go to law school and learned through talking to several real agents that it's harder to get into this profession than it actually is to get into pro sports. Probably was a bad sign when the lowest college grade I ever received was in a business law class.

4) Become a pro sports handicapper. Vegas hasn't been knocking down my doors to be a linesmaker to this point. You know this if you read this column of cluster-fuckery every week. For instance last week I found a way to go 7-7. I'm 54-55-6 on the year here. I'm not terrible but I'm just not good enough to make money doing it or be a professional. But I show up every week. And dammit, that counts for something!

I'm about to be 29 years old--and I still have my goals out ahead of me. At least I am a good parent. To my dog. And I even screw up at that sometimes--it's not his fault he pisses where he shouldn't. I need to have more patience.

So my goals as a 29 year old man will be simple ones. I'm not going to be rich and famous just yet. But I'll exercise more patience. I'll keep showing up every day. I'll get more NFL picks right, I swear. And I'll make sure I keep the toilet seat down sometimes. I won't leave my spitters laying around the house when guests come over. I'll probably be writing this same post when I turn 30 and really need some shots of hard liquor to cope.

Here are the picks for the week. My picks are in bold.

New York Jets (+2) at Buffalo
New York is coming off the bye, which means little this season. But I haven't quite bought Buffalo pulling away from the Jets and being in the division race just yet. They'll be in the mix until the end but it will be a tight race for a wildcard spot. Jets are still elite in my opinion.

Seattle at Dallas (-11)
It's gonna take a fucking decade to sort you out, Seattle.

Atlanta (-7) at Indianapolis
Anyone notice how little pride the Indy players have right now? They go out, get shelled, and ho-hum. More speculation about Peyton Manning never playing again and Indianapolis taking Andrew Luck. Follow their drugged up maniac owner Jim Irsay on twitter if you don't already. I think he stays up late at night thinking of dumb stuff to tweet. My kind of guy.

Miami (+4) at Kansas City
On the flip side, anyone notice how hard Miami is playing for their lamb to slaughter coach? These guys are completely pissed that everyone is already saying they're going to finish with the #1 overall pick and something is curious to me about this spread. As well as Kansas City has been playing, you're telling me they're only getting four points in one of the toughest stadiums in the NFL against a winless team? Something is up here. I like the Dolphins to get a win and fall behind in the Andrew Luck sweepstakes.

Tampa Bay (+8) at New Orleans
Dog fight upcoming in New Orleans. Does Josh Freeman start to look like his old self finally? Does MJ drink a gallon of scotch the night before? Yes, and yes.

San Francisco (-3.5) at Washington
This is just one of those seasons for the Niners. They're going to go like 12-4, lock up the #2 seed in the NFC, and lose at home in the divisional round of the playoffs and set fire to Alex Smith. Remember where you heard it.

Cleveland at Houston (-11)
Fuck you, Browns. I'm never betting anything on you again the rest of my life. I decided that last week, you lowly sacks of shit. You give me no joy. I hate everything about them--their coach, QB, everything. Peyton Hillis is a one year wonder. This is about the time they either lose by 1 or win outright and cost me more money. They will make you miserable. Keep your children away from this franchise.

Cincinnati at Tennessee (-3)
I tried to trade for Chris Johnson in fantasy this week. The problem was the other owner knew something was fishy when I suddenly offered up Ahmad Bradshaw after saying no all season. Then he wrote a letter to the league calling me out for being a shady shit commish.

Denver at Oakland (-8)
Tough game to pick here. Carson Palmer is going to be shitty. Tim Tebow might keep the Broncos in it. I would feel badly betting against the Raiders though, they just have more talent.

New York Giants at New England (-9)
Had the Giants in this game until I saw the report of the aforementioned Bradshaw's broken foot. The Giants are dying to make the division race close with the Eagles, trust me they are. Loss coming up Sunday for them. Plus my wife has been a real pain in the ass all week long so; take that. Ah, revenge is sweet.

St. Louis (+2.5) at Arizona
This is my lock of the week. St. Louis gets back my man-crush Sam Bradford. Arizona either has to start John Skelton at QB or the alternative is Kevin Kolb; who the world is learning quickly about. St. Louis fucked up the Saints last week with A.J. Feeley at QB for them. They're not as bad as everyone thought, I'm telling you.

Green Bay (-6) at San Diego
Rumor has it Norv Turner wore a guillotine around his head to a Halloween party and when people asked what he was--he said he was Norv Turner.

Baltimore at Pittsburgh (-3)
Seems like every time these two teams play the spread is three, it's decided my won and my money was laid on the wrong side. Pittsburgh is in the drivers seat in the AFC if they win this one.

Chicago (+7.5) at Philadelphia
I think Philly wins but Chicago goes down fighting and keeps it close. That half point comes into play here.

Mevs' Weekly NFL Picks: Week 8

noreply@blogger.com (Mevs) — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 15:14:00 +0000

Welcome to the season's midpoint and Happy Halloween everyone.

When I was a kid, my best friend who lived next door to me had a really cool NFL Halloween costume. It was a Joe Montana 49ers costume complete with a plastic 49ers helmet. This was like, 1989 so Montana was all that was holy in NFL circles and at the height of his popularity. In the worst way, I wanted to beg, borrow, and steal that costume from my friend. It was the type of thing where I probably would have put it on in the middle of July or in December, or just slept in it all throughout the year. I thought it was the coolest thing I'd ever seen.

Back in those days, I had a this awkward, tight-fitting, green, homemade Dinosaur costume. It was cool when I was like 4, and maybe even when I was 5. But by the time I was 7 years old I had three years of being a T-Rex in my past. It had served me well. I wanted to be Joe Montana or maybe even Boomer Esiason. I would have made a great Boomer Esiason, man. I had the blonde hair and everything.

Every time I would beg my mom for the costume, she would tell me that I was going to be a dinosaur. I would whine and bitch and moan and piss in my cheerios; but it would get me nowhere. We went to a Halloween party and my friend Justin was walking around with all the cool kids wearing his Joe Montana costume proud. I was falling off the jungle gym in the company of only myself, wearing a dinosaur costume that was a few sizes too small for me. Sometime I'll scan a pic of myself in that forsaken outfit for you all here at Monkeys Throwing Darts.

Please don't be such sour-pusses about buying your kids the costume they want. Being a T-Rex for your entire childhood really does shelter a kid. It's the reason why I still pick my nose and don't clean up after myself among other things that adults are expected to do that I don't. Being a dinosaur for half of my natural born life for Halloween stunted my damn development. It didn't help that Justin's kid brother got to be the Karate Kid!

Last week I went 7-5-1 to bring my season record to 47-48-6.

I think this is the week that we go over big time and never look back, the rest of the season is straight winning and we'll be in the green if you're a crazy bastard and betting on my picks.

My picks are in bold.

Tennessee at Indianapolis (+8.5)
The Colts are gunning for Andrew Luck; but Jim Caldwell is also trying to save his job. Something has to give soon and Curtis Painter isn't half bad. Titans win but fail to cover.

New Orleans (-13.5) at St. Louis
No Sam Bradford again. Annnnnd there's no reason to even watch St. Louis Rams football anymore. What a fucking disaster.

Miami at New York Giants (-10)
It's my wife's birthday. Her Giants are my survivor pick. If they even think about getting off to another slow start at home to a lowly team, I'll have Tom Coughlin's balls removed and feed them to him.

Minnesota at Carolina (-3.5)
Cam Newton is the 8th wonder of the world. God, what throws I saw him make last week. This is a game you can feel good about making money on. How cool are the Panthers alternate blue jerseys?

Baltimore at Arizona (+13)
Ken Whisenhunt can't afford to get blown out in this one. Kevin Kolb needs to respond with a nice game. Take the OVER in this game if you're feeling froggy and watch Baltimore win a 33-30 game.

Jacksonville at Houston (-9.5)
Jack Del Rio's team fought hard for him last week on Monday Night Football. But they're going to do what mediocre team's with a rookie QB often do this week; that sound you hear is them coming back to earth.

Washington at Buffalo (-6)
Washington really is shitty. I promise you, they are.

Detroit (-3) at Denver
This is daddy's lock of the week. Matthew Stafford is playing. I honestly think the line was 'OFF' all week not because of Stafford's status but Vegas odds makers were just too blinded by the glow of Tim Tebow's halo. Just you wait until Ndamukong Suh gets balls deep in him Sunday.

New England at Pittsburgh (+3)
Tom Brady seems to like Pittsburgh. The tide is a turnin' this time around. That AFC East race is going to end up close somehow.

Cleveland (+8.5) at San Francisco
This is as excited as I've been for a Browns game in several years. I dare them to make me look foolish for this. Like they give a shit. But no, really; it would be totally Browns-like to either win this outright on a few defensive scores or lose a close heart-breaker. Trust me, the spread is too much here. Teams coming off the BYE week are just 3-9 this season.

Cincinnati (-3) at Seattle
If Charlie Whitehurst couldn't move the ball against the Browns I feel really sorry for his life. Charlie Whitehurst is the reason that we can't have nice things.

Dallas at Philadelphia (-3.5)
MTD just traded for Mike Vick. I think Vick has an MVP performance this Sunday Night in a must-win for both teams.

San Diego (-3.5) at Kansas City
Another easy money-making game. Kansas City has lulled everyone back to sleep and we've all forgotten how bad they can be. Everyone except me. San Diego is pissed off and they're coming for Todd Haley this week.

Mevs' Weekly NFL Picks: Week 7

noreply@blogger.com (Mevs) — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 14:44:00 +0000

Perhaps the best game of the weekend is on Saturday night. USC heads to South Bend to take on the Golden Domers from Notre Dame. If for nothing else, tradition's sake. This game is always on primetime television and it's always at night. Growing up as a kid, we would usually be having a neighborhood bonfire and eating candy corn until our stomachs hurt. Then in high school, the bonfire moved further into one of the back yards and beers were slugged. But we always wanted to know what was going on in this game. In college, we mixed in some hard liquor with the beer. I was bombed out of my skull when the infamous "Bush Push " took place. It was crap, Notre Dame (led by Columbus, Ohio native Brady Quinn) had the loaded USC team that should have fallen that fateful October night.

When these two teams play, shit gets fucked up and I end up with a stomach ache. This week, I'll need my DVR handy, because I have wedding duty and I'll be serving as the designated driver. Not only will I miss the game and likely not be able to watch, but I won't be drinking. At least the likelihood of a stomach ache is improbable unless I eat tilapia or some shit at the wedding.

Last week was not kind to me. It was as if I made a pick, only to have the players of the NFL scoff at me and tell me to kiss their ass as they won by less than the spread or gave up a late horse-shit score that allowed things to be twisted. Excuses, excuses. Either way, I'm not getting it done. I went 4-9, which is dogshit. I admit it. I'm 40-43-5 now for the year against the spread. I'm sorry for what I've done.

Like I tell my wife when I throw my clothes on the floor and leave spitters lying around and treat the house like it's my frat house room from college; all I can do is try to do better.

Let's make this happen.

The picks that can ruin you; are in bold.

Seattle at Cleveland (-3)
Under a lot of criticism, I think this has a have a chance to be a signature game for Colt McCoy. Sure, everyone is talking about Cleveland drafting a QB in next year's first round. And yes, the Browns are terrible at home and prone to let-downs. Just a gut feeling. Plus Cleveland usually wins games in which it would actually help them more in the long-term to lose. I'm rolling with the Browns, which means you should think about going with Seattle.

Atlanta at Detroit (-3.5)
Notice what happened when I said last week that the NFL was on notice and they would soon join the list of teams that were fed to the Lions? Head coaches were fighting and Jim Schwartz reacted poorly to Jim Harbaugh's jock hand-shake.

Houston (+3) at Tennessee
Last chance to prove to me that you're badass, Houston.

Denver (+3) at Miami
The Tebow Bowl! With Andrew Luck as a door prize! Stick a fork in Miami and their garlic smelling coach Tony Sparano.

San Diego (-3) at NY Jets
Rex Ryan's "we're going to kick your ass, and then we're going out for hamburgers and Def Leopard karaoke" act has worn thin in the Big Apple.

Chicago at Tampa Bay (+1)
Basically an even-up game and a decent team gets points at home. Did anyone see Jay Cutler telling Mike Martz to get fucked last week on live television?

Washington at Carolina (-2.5)
Ladies and gentleman, my lock of the week. Cam Newton has been caged like an animal for a few weeks now. He's coming out firing early, and they're going to roll the Redskins. And they're wearing those cool Carolina Teal/Blue jerseys. Cam might throw for 8,000 yards. Immediately following the game he'll be in a rap music video on BET. Like Dirk Diggler in Boogie Nights, he is a star, he is a star, he is a star. He is a great big shining star.

Kansas City at Oakland (-4.5)
Todd Haley is a prick. Believe it. Al Davis gave thumbs up on that Carson Palmer trade from the grave. He couldn't resist. Carson isn't going to be great for Oakland but it doesn't scare me away this week.

Pittsburgh (-3.5) at Arizona
This is kind of a funny little spread. Arizona has been dreadful. One of these weeks Kevin Kolb will earn his keep, but a Pittsburgh defense is probably not a safe bet to see him do so.

St. Louis at Dallas (-13)
Sam Bradford might play, and I think he will; but it doesn't really matter. Word is out--the Rams can't protect the QB--this could be the week the Rams are going to get this kid killed. It's unfortunate. I lost a steak dinner because I told a buddy they would win more games than the 49ers. I hope he doesn't choose filet.

Green Bay (-9) at Minnesota
I broke my rule last week: I didn't think Green Bay would cover. They showed me. Minnesota starts the Christian Ponder era at home. Expect a run heavy attack, but Aaron Rodgers in a dome continues on his historic path of one of the greatest QB statistical seasons in history.

Indianapolis at New Orleans (-14)
You had your chance last week, Indy. Rumors are circling that Jim Caldwell might be in trouble and his replacement would be Jim Tressel. It's curious. I always thought Tress would only take an NFL job if he could eventually rule the place. Surely, they have more in store than making him a video consultant.

Baltimore at Jacksonville (+8)
Here it is, make my day. Jack Del Rio's head is on the chopping block. He's going to be publicly stoned and have sharp objects thrown at him someday soon. But dammit, he keeps it close!

Mevs' Weekly NFL Picks: Week 6

noreply@blogger.com (Mevs) — Sat, 15 Oct 2011 19:35:00 +0000

Who will be the next opponent to be fed to the Lions?

My God, how awesome are the fucking Detroit Lions? They are an unstoppable force right now. NFL fans everywhere are talking about how fun they are to watch. This is because they have stockpiled a roster of guys who were badasses on Saturdays and they're now bearing the fruits of their labor. And the fruits of firing Matt Millen so he couldn't shit the bed on any more drafts.

They have an offense that can score from any spot on the field and a nasty defense that treats opposing offensive players like they're maggots.

I have this football fantasy that I wake up Thanksgiving morning with the Lions and Packers each sitting at 11-0, a showdown for the first seed and division supremacy on the line as I eat myself into a coma. I also have a fantasy that my wife won't make me go to each and every in-laws house and that I'll actually get to see all of that game. Both are unlikely, but it's okay to dream a little bit these days.

Nonetheless the Lions are murdering people like back in the days when real Lions were the Sunday event at the gladiator coliseums. Step into the arena and get ready to have your tits lit, NFL. These Lions are going to be good for a long time.

Last week I posted a 6-6-1 week. Hold down the fort until we break through with a huge week. We haven't had that one week that got us killed yet and would send us to the local pawn shop. That's winning in some places.

Let's get the picks out to you a day late, I'll try not to fuck up in here. My picks are in bold.

Carolina (+4) at Atlanta
Cam Newton has been close to knocking off a few giants of the NFL this season. Here comes his first signature win as a pro.

Indianapolis (+7) at Cincinnati
I like the way Curtis Painter has been throwing the football. Call me a sucker, but it's a parody league and the Bengals have been getting it done far too often. They're still the damn Bengals. I think the Colts have to find 2 or 3 wins on their schedule. Golden opportunity right here for them.

San Francisco at Detroit (-4.5)
See above. The Mighty Lions roar in the Motor City. Get ready for a tornado of manes, balls, and teeth 49ers.

St. Louis (+15) at Green Bay
I am going against my rule here folks--picking the Packers until they don't cover. That 15 is far too much for me. I still think the Rams are a decent team; I'm sorry. And they've had two weeks to prepare. One of these weeks they're going to go off. Packers have a tough game ahead tomorrow.

Buffalo at New York Giants (-3.5)
Rematch of the first Superbowl I ever remember watching. Last week when Eli Manning threw a pick six to the Seahawks to seal the Seattle win, I jumped off my couch and started yelling out happiness. My wife told me I was an asshole--but it took out everyone but four in my huge survivor pool; and there's $1400 going to me or three other assholes.

Jacksonville at Pittsburgh (-12)
Again, Jack Del Rio is a fuckshot.

Philadelphia (+1.5) at Washington
I'm hopeless about the Eagles. I am going down with this ship like a good sailor. I think they're going to be in the playoffs. We'll see if I'm clueless or not.

Cleveland at Oakland (-6.5)
I would do anything to see my Brownies get a win, but Al Davis' ghost isn't going to let that happen. My poor Browns. Someone always has to go and die right before we play them to provide added incentive. Thanks a lot Al. You have been hanging on for centuries, only to buy the farm the week before my team rolls into town.

Houston (+7.5) at Baltimore
I just switched this pick. It's a parody, unpredictable league. This has been the type of game that I've been marking down every week and counting before it happens as a 'W' for the good guy--had I left Baltimore as my pick that is. The rest of the world is expecting Houston to get beat up physically like they did last week. In this whacky ass league watch Houston come out and muscle the muscle.

Dallas at New England (-7)
Little Bill is a mastermind. Lock up your wives, Dallas. You just might catch him in bed with one of them.

New Orleans (-4.5) at Tampa Bay
Tampa Bay is vastly overrated. New Orleans is a lot better than I thought on defense. Did Drew Brees ever get that facial mole repaired?

Minnesota at Chicago (-3)
Minny got their token win last week. Chicago got punched in the mouth by Detroit. Stock up on Christian Ponder, fantasy owners of Donovan McNabb.

Miami at New York Jets (-7)
This is daddy's lock of the week kids. I'm taking New York in my survivor pool, and if they fuck me I hope Rex Ryan is fired at season's end. I'll even wear the Sanchez jersey my wife bought me in jest because I remarked one time that I thought Sanchez was 'cool'.

The Thursday 5

noreply@blogger.com (Derwood Morris) — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 19:27:00 +0000

The Thursday 5 took a few weeks off to try and find Kansas a new defensive coordinator. Current DC Vic Shealy has watched his defense give up an average of 49.4 points in five games, including 66 to Georgia Tech September 17 and 70 to Oklahoma State last weekend. With a remaining schedule that includes games against Oklahoma, Baylor and Texas A&M, among others, Shealy should be looking for work, possibly at an Ingles, by late-November.

Reader Marc R.

returns with his thoughts:

"You wanna know about Vicholas Shealy? The man gets no respect. He set out this season with a goal of not giving up more than 150 pts in any two combined games, and you know what? He's achieved that. Not only has he achieved that, but he's bested that goal by two touchdowns! Oklahoma State 70, Georgia Tech 66. That's 136 in the place where I come from (Moscow). And you know what? All the man gets is hate. Hate, hate, hate (hate). He doesn't deserve it! That squadron is 120th out of 120 teams in points allowed, and 120 is higher than one. The man just produces!

Vic Shealy for president in 2012."

**UPDATE**

Padded wagon headed towards Marc R's bridge-side bungalow. Evaluation period scheduled to begin Friday morning at 7:00 a.m.

USC at California - Thursday, 9:00 p.m.

Cal, like so many teams before it, has had a huge letdown after The Presbyterian Game, losing two straight Pac 83 games since beating the Blue Hose.

I've got nothing else, so here's SEC Network commentator Andre Ware's 'football' count from 12:32 p.m.-12:38 p.m. (two-minute commercial break included) during last week's South Carolina-Kentucky game: 11.

Pick: USC

San Diego State at Air Force - Thursday, 8:00 p.m.

I have a family member named Shirley and we both attended a birthday party in San Diego, so let's talk about the 1993 Boston College Eagles and their running back, Shirley Shirley. Preliminary internet searches to locate this man have come up empty. Any current biographical information on Shirley Shirley, please email derwoodmorris@gmail.com, subject line "biographical information on fourth-string Boston College running backs from the 1990s".

Pick: Air Force

Hawaii at San Jose State - Friday, 9:00 p.m.

Following the 2006 season, the Spartans defeated New Mexico in the New Mexico Bowl in a game a guy named Leonard is still talking about. Since then, it's been downhill as San Jose State is 16-39, including a 2-4 start this season.

* Hawaii trivia: since 2002, Hawaii has played in the Hawaii Bowl six times.

* Fake Hawaii trivia: the school selected the mascot 'Rainbow' after a guy named Barry saw a rainbow in 1971 and held the dean of students hostage with a carrot.

Pick: Hawaii

Delta State at North Alabama - Thursday, 8:00 p.m.

Here's a funk music video tour of Delta State's McCool Stadium. Warning: video footage not quite as mccool as music.

Anyway, UNA is 6-0 and ranked No. 1 in Division II, while Delta is 6-1 and No. 2. UNA's coach is Terry Bowden, who looks like he would eat all of your corn chips, try to hook up with your mom and/or grandmother and before he left, poop in your pool:

Pick: Delta State

Texas Southern at Alabama A&M - Thursday, 7:30 p.m.

From last weekend, here are some leftover phrases I don't ever want to hear again:

"Go through his progressions"
"Nothing to sneeze at"
"Tighten up your boot straps"
"He's got the right make up"
"Ran out of real estate"
"That's exactly how you draw it up"
"Tremendous competitor"
"That's an effort play"

Pick: Alabama A&M

Thursday 5
Season record: 11-4

Ben Dreith

noreply@blogger.com (Derwood Morris) — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 22:44:00 +0000

Let referee Ben Dreith take you into the football weekend:

Mevs' Football Friday Picks: Week 5

noreply@blogger.com (Mevs) — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 17:55:00 +0000

A few years back I had the honor of interviewing Jeff Pearlman. Today, I come to find out that he's under a firestorm of sorts for writing his new book Sweetness: The Enigmatic Life of Walter. I've actually had the pleasure to interview Jeff Pearlman. He's my favorite writer, both for football and baseball titles. I can't wait to go out and get Sweetness. In my time talking to Pearlman, he spent some time talking about what I think is his hallmark as a writer. He gets deep, interviews a subject that was a distant or passing point in an athlete's life. He talks to everyone surrounding the person and gets the cold, hard facts.

I have no doubt this book is going to be a great read consisting of true facts about Walter Payton's life and career; and I might go pick it up on Sunday morning before the games begin. People can get upset, but the bottom line is that Pearlman is one of the tops in the world at what he does because of this virtue. He uncovers stories and brings things to light that others never do because they oversight things like talking to Walter Payton's babysitter. Pearlman stops at nothing to deliver the goods and I can't wait to read his next work on one of the game's best running backs.

Last week, your fearless predictor had another 8-8 week. We're 30-28-4 for the year. Again, against the spread it's not terrible. It also means that I should remain in my sales career for another season or two before moving out to Vegas and spending my mornings in a smoky sports book lounge and drinking scotch before the sun begins to set. It really sucks, but in life we can't always have what we want all the time. Let's circle the wagons this week, pick some winners and help get daddy a new pair of shoes!

My picks, as always; are in bold.

Philadelphia (-2.5) at Buffalo
Philadelphia needs this a lot more than Buffalo. They're going to get win #2 and Buffalo will be 3-2. Things start to look more like they should for both teams.

Kansas City at Indiapolis (-2.5)
The Andrew Luck sweepstakes gets a little more log-jammed after this week. Indy plays solid defense at home and there's no way Kerry Collins should start again over Curtis Painter. Kansas City got their win last week.

Arizona at Minnesota (-2.5)
Roll the dice. The home team wins and Arizona begins to fade in that NFC West race. Minnesota needs to give it to Adrian Peterson 35 times.

Seattle at NY Giants (-10)
I've went back and forth on this because Eli Manning is notoriously shitty at home and a slow start like the Giants are prone to could keep them from covering (but not winning). It speaks volumes to how shitty I really think Seattle is.

Tennessee (+3) at Pittsburgh
The Titans are really playing good physical football and I expect them to hang around a bit in their divisional race. Pittsburgh isn't going to be a playoff team this year. They were out Steeler'd by the Texans last week. Titans win this one.

New Orleans at Carolina (+6.5)
Cam Newton is the greatest thing to happen to the NFL since Warren Sapp tackled Brett Favre without a helmet on? Anyone remember that? Seriously, Carolina's young Cam is Micheal Jordan in cleats. I don't think they win but they'll keep it tight again.

Cincinnati (+2.5) at Jacksonville
Cincinnati is the surprise team in all of football. I should probably turn around and go the other way with this one since I'm so convinced they'll handle Jack Del Rio's team on the road. Del Rio has been a thorn in my betting side for years. Meathead asshole. I bet he still gets in the tackling drills with his players.

Oakland at Houston (-6)
Houston is a bad ass team. My AFC Super Bowl darkhorse. If they're going to be ascending to those heights, this is a game they win this game on the road. Tough spread here because there is plenty of room for them to win and not cover. Remember, they don't give a shit about our bets. Sucks doesn't it?

Tampa Bay (-3) at San Francisco
Closer shave then it should have been last Monday night against the Colts for Josh Freeman and the boys. He has a huge game, and San Fran is still reading their press clippings about their big win in Philly.

San Diego (-4) at Denver
Gentleman, this is my lock of the week. The Chargers are going to beat the snot out of the Broncos and pave the way for Tim Tebow to start after the bye week. There is no hope for Denver. John Fox is your head coach, and he's clueless. Call your bookie and treat yourself to a nice cigar shortly after. This is a safe one.

New York Jets (+9.5) at New England
You know--let's not forget that some guys just know how to beat a certain team. We're seeing it with Tony LaRusa in the MLB playoffs against Philadelphia right now. And Rex Ryan knows a thing or two about beating New England. He's already done it three times in two years. If New England wins it will be tight at least. I don't think the Jets get embarrassed again this week.

Green Bay (-6) at Atlanta
I want you to listen to what I say and I want you to say it with me: 'I will bet the Packers to cover until they do not cover. I will bet the Packers to cover until they do not cover.' Write it on a damn blackboard if you have to, Bart Simpson. These guys are a money making machine and they're only getting better at it.

Chicago (+5.5) at Detroit
I think Detroit has a legit shot at knocking off the Packers I'm so high on later this season. I think they'll play in the playoffs too. But Chicago will fight hard enough to cause problems for the undefeated Lions.

Mevs' Football Friday Picks: Week 4

noreply@blogger.com (Mevs) — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 14:53:00 +0000

It's Friday, the best day of the week. It's time for your beloved Monkeys Throwing Darts columnist/resident slapdick to moonlight as a handicapper.

For all you mid-westerners out there who choose to complain about humidity during the summer, you should be pretty happy right about now. Do you like all this wind and rain and the sub 40's temperatures we're getting this weekend? Are you not entertained?

I know I'm really enjoying it, since I get to experience it about a dozen times a day now. My wife and I got a puppy last weekend--and we're not dog people. I swear to God, the little shit needs to go outside every 10 or 15 minutes. I will never be convinced that having a real infant is more work than having a puppy. If you want to potty train your dog, be prepared to go out in the cold and rain non stop and give yourself a sinus infection just to make sure he doesn't step in his own shit. That is true love. And to think they'll never even understand or know the sacrifices you made for them. The couch covers you threw away because they decided it was a comfy spot to urinate. The Playstation 3 controller cords that they thought was an excellent chew toy. Billy Madison was right; having a pet means you have responsibility.

Last week I managed a 9-7 record. I'm not satisfied with it, but we still won more than we lost. You go over .500 against the spread and you keep yourself alive until you have that really big week. And it's coming. I can feel it. We're sitting at a pedestrian 22-20-4 on the year. If you're betting your retirement savings I haven't cost you any of it yet. That would also make you insane.

My picks in bold.

Carolina (+6.5) at Chicago
Many moons ago when I was a young buck, a young African American Quarterback went into Chicago and beat a favored Bears team because his athleticism trumped everyone on the field. I knew that night as I drank about 14 Pabst Blue Ribbons that the Bears would not prevail. I won some bets. Then I went outside the dorm in college and threw up a few times and the night ended sooner than it should have. History is (kind of) going to repeat itself here. Cam Newton shocks the world Sunday and the Bears go down hard.

Buffalo (-3) at Cincinnati
People love the Bills white helmets. How long can they keep this up? I think this is an easy domino for them to knock down.

Tennessee (+1.5) at Cleveland
This is my lock of the week. I'm telling you right now there is no way Cleveland goes to 3-1 and they're terrible at home. They were meant to be a 2-2 team all along. It would be so 'Cleveland' to drop this game in front of their home fans that is exactly what will happen. Chris Johnson is about to get healthy here. I would tell him to wear an extra gold tooth just for swag on Sunday.

Detroit at Dallas (-1.5)
When I was a kid I thought these two teams uniforms looked alike. I was basing it off Madden 92 on the Sega Genesis though.

Minnesota (-1.5) at Kansas City
Minnesota murders teams in the first half and has been outscored like 340 to 3 in the second half. Two bad teams here, but Kansas City is way worse. Todd Haley is a dick too. Minnesota will win by a score at least at Arrowhead.

Washington at St. Louis (+1.5)
This is the kind of game I love to bet. St. Louis is not as bad as their record would indicate. Their coach needs a win to catch a breath and get off the hot-seat for just a second. Everyone will bet Washington. But the Redskins are on the road, coming off a short week, and why would they get up for an 0-3 non division team after a big time emotional, last-minute loss this past week on Monday Night Football? Rams get this win--and they have to get it. Feel good about this one.

Philadelphia (-8.5) at San Francisco
I wish this game would have remained 'off'. Ugh. Vick is banged up but will play, as usual. I don't like a team from the east going all the way out West and having to win by that much. But the Eagles have something to prove. This 'Dream Team' is 1-2. The Miami Heat started slow as well. Eagles stomp the Niners this Sunday, or I don't know this game at all.

New Orleans (-7) at Jacksonville
You're telling me all New Orleans has to do is go down to perfect weather Jacksonville and win by a touchdown and we're safe on this one? Did you see what New Orleans did against Houston last week?

Pittsburgh at Houston (-4)
Tough game to bet here. Pittsburgh allows people to get to the Quarterback too easily. I think it will be close, but the home team gets the win in a shootout. Someone will be a surprise .500 here and I've thought all along that Pittsburgh would be that type of team this season.

New York Giants (-1.5) at Arizona
Tom Coughlin really is Rasputin. The townspeople, they've tried to shoot him. They've tried to hang him, thrice. They've poisoned his food and water supply. They've tried publicly stoning him. Every time I think he's toast he goes out and makes me look like a fool and wins a huge game. The sumbitch has 9 lives! I don't think I should pick against Tom Coughlin for a while. Tom Coughlin is my father in law.

Atlanta (-4.5) at Seattle
Atlanta is good, and Seattle is so shitty. They might have cost themselves Andrew Luck last week, so I hope it was worth it. Normalcy gets restored this week. Atlanta needs to run the damn ball a little.

Denver at Green Bay (-13)
The money-making machine that is the Green Bay Packers rolls on this week. And we say it every week: until these guys screw you and fail to cover, ride them. They are good. They are hot. They will be the last undefeated team in football.

New England (-4.5) at Oakland
When everyone declared the Patriots Super Bowl bound I was the guy who laughed and knew it was premature. This New England team has a bad defense and they're too finesse for that type of talk. The AFC elites are built on being able to blacken someone's eye and breaking noses. Thus you see why the Raiders are having success and fucking people up. That is the mold the Raiders are built in. However, Bill Belichick's teams are so good after a loss. He has cooked up a master scheme this week following the embarrassment last week in Buffalo. The Raiders are getting closer to respectable, but New England knocks them back down to earth.

Miami at San Diego (-7.5)
It was nice knowing you, Tony Sparano. All you survivor hounds are pissed you picked San Diego last week I would imagine.

New York Jets (-3.5) at Baltimore
This one is a real beaut' on Sunday Night Football. Do you guys remember last year when Mark Sanchez couldn't make a throw to save his life in the opener and the Jets got beat in a low scoring game? The Jets can throw the ball now, and I want you to remember what the Titans did to Baltimore a few weeks ago. I think Rex Ryan is smart enough to be able to replicate some of the stuff that worked on defense by the Titans. It's payback time for the Jets.

Indianapolis at Tampa Bay (-10)
A real stinker on Monday Night Football. Everyone can relax and watch WWE Monday Night RAW and feel less badly about it. Well, lets get real, if you're watching pro wrestling, you should probably feel a little bad about it. And only tell your close friends.

Hey, it was a college football weekend!

noreply@blogger.com (Derwood Morris) — Mon, 26 Sep 2011 18:53:00 +0000

We start this installment of CFW out in College Park where Maryland smelled like Ralph Friedgen's gas against Temple. Not to take anything away from the 3-1 (and a four-point loss to Penn State from being 4-0) Owls, who dominated up front, allowing Bernard Pierce to rush for 149 yards and five touchdowns, but Maryland's play on the field may be worse than its uniforms, which look like a post-Indian food bowel movement.

MTD reader Marc R. says it best:

"After a night of glorious Indian food, Wendell the Coolie Chalk Man camps out in your underwear and in the morning-voila! you have the Maryland uniforms."

It could get worse for the 1-2 Terps. Towson, which is a no pushover, comes to College park Saturday, then Maryland begins ACC play against Georgia Tech, Clemson and Florida State in consecutive weeks. That's a recipe for a 2-5 or 1-6 start, and this is a recipe for palak daal.

* In our season-long Best Name Contest that may or may not exist, BYU just entered the race. How does everyone feel about running back JJ Di Luigi and defensive lineman Hebron Fangupo? Send your thoughts to thisiscompletenonsense@mtd.com.

* At MTD's college football headquarters

we saw Portland State 3, TCU 3, 1:55 left in the second quarter, and thought "is this the day of the (Portland State) Vikings?" Sadly, it certainly was not as the host Horned Frogs got a quick, 66-yard touchdown pass from Casey Pachall to Josh Boyce, then 15 seconds later, Tank Carder intercepted PSU's Drew Hubel and returned it for a touchdown. 17-3. The Vikings went three-and-out and punted, but you know the old saying: 'Skye' isn't a name. TCU's Skye Dawson returned the punt 42 yards, then caught a 10-yard TD from Pachall. 24-3 horned Frogs at halftime, on their way to a 55-13 win.

"I wouldn't want to be Idaho State with the Vikings coming into town Saturday."

- Fake Portland State fan quote

* Cameron Marshall ran all over the place (141 yards, 3 TD) and Arizona State defeated USC 43-22. With the win, the Sun Devils snapped an 11-game losing streak to the Trojans and in the series won for the first time since November 6, 1999. You know who else won that day? Eastern Michigan, 31-21 over Ball State.

* Here's ABC's Matt Millen, who was horrible at management, talking about Texas A&M quarterback Ryan Tannehill: "that's called managing the pocket."

That's called Matt Millen inventing a phrase.

Millen kept going when talking about an A&M receiver making a catch: "it's body part awareness."

* Anyway, speaking of announcers, it's time for the weekly list of phrases I don't ever want to hear again:

"No one has a crystal ball"
"That toughness is contagious"
"Pulling the trigger"
"Get a hat on a hat"
"Challenge the manhood of your football team"
"Backs against the wall"
"They're back to being hungry again"
"He's good in space"
"Trying to change the culture"

* North Texas 24, Indiana 21

* And finally, anyone with video or photographic evidence of Arizona coach Mike Stoops smiling, please email derwoodmorris@gmail.com.

MTD Top 25 - Week 5
(Last week)

1. Alabama (2) at No. 12 Florida
2. LSU (3) vs. Kentucky
3. Oklahoma (1) vs. Ball State
4. Oklahoma State (5) 10/8 vs. Kansas
5. Boise State (4) vs. Nevada
6. Stanford (6) vs. UCLA
7. Wisconsin (7) vs. No. 8 Nebraska
8. Nebraska (8) at No. 7 Wisconsin
9. Virginia Tech (12) vs. No. 15 Clemson
10. Oregon (13) 10/6 vs. California
11. South Carolina (14) vs. Auburn
12. Florida (15) vs. No. 1 Alabama
13. Texas (17) at Iowa State
14. South Florida (18) at Pittsburgh
15. Clemson (20) at No. 9 Virginia Tech
16. Baylor (19) at Kansas State
17. Texas A&M (10) vs. No. 18 Arkansas
18. Arkansas (11) at No. 17 Texas A&M
19. Michigan (21) vs. Minnesota
20. Florida State (9) 10/8 at Wake Forest
21. West Virginia (16) vs. Bowling Green
22. Georgia Tech (22) at N.C. State
23. TCU (23) vs. SMU
24. Michigan State (24) at No. 25 Ohio State
25. Ohio State (25) vs. No. 24 Michigan State

UFC 135: Bones and Rampage, Bitches

noreply@blogger.com (MTD) — Sat, 24 Sep 2011 18:23:00 +0000

I'm quite excited for this UFC card. Jon Jones defends his Light Heavyweight title for the first time against B.A. Baracus and Nate Diaz tries to avenge his brother's 2007 overuled gogoplata win turn no contest to Takanori Gomi. Just say no, kids. I should have had my predictions up earlier than mere hours away from the fights but, once again, I found myself in the French Quarter trying to convince strippers that I'm a race car driver. And that almost always ends with a hangover, shame and glitter on my face. I hope my mom doesn't read this post, she doesn't like MMA.

As always, my picks are bold and the lines are from those fine folks at Bodog who gave me $20 in singles last night...

Jon Jones -500 vs. Quinton Jackson +350
The 24-year-old prodigy defends his freshly acquired 205-pound championship belt for the first time against Rampage Jackson. While I think Rampage still has the ability to stop anybody with his striking game, I don't give him much of a shot against Jones and neither does Vegas. It's hard to bet against the (should be) undefeated Jones especially after his dismantling of Shogun Rua considering he took that title fight with a month's notice.

Jones via 3rd round TKO.

Josh Koscheck -550 vs. Matt Hughes +375
Koscheck stepped up and took the fight against Hughes after Deigo Sanchez broke his hand. Still, it's Koscheck's first fight after losing a decision to Georges St. Pierre back on December 11. Matt Hughes is a legend but at this point of his career, Koscheck is better than him at everything. Possibly Hughes' last fight but I've said that several times before.

Koscheck via 2nd round TKO.

Travis Browne -400 vs. Rob Broughton +300
Umm, so this fight is going to happen. I hate that I'm picking all chalk so far but it's tough for me to pick against the Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu guy who trains at Jackson's Submission Fighting.

Browne via 2nd round submission.

Nate Diaz -270 vs. Takanori Gomi +210
What can I say? I'm a big Diaz Bros. and Cesar Gracie fan. Nate isn't doing anything lately to back me up in the group's defense going 3-5 in his past eight fights. But Gomi isn't doing much better with a 3-4 record over his last seven. Should be an interesting fight but I think/hope Nate gets back on track here.

Diaz via decision.

Ben Rothwell -340 vs. Mark Hunt +260
It'd be a whole lot more interesting if Hunt's first name was Mike. Amirite? I'm sorry, guys. I need a nap. In an effort to not pick all of the favorites, I'll take Hunt here. It's probably not smart but I usually pick the first fight wrong anyway. If Rothwell decides to stand and swing with Hunt, trouble could be around the corner. Shit, who are we kidding? Hunt is getting keylocked.

Hunt via 2nd round TKO.

All right kids, enjoy the the violence. Come hang out with me on Twitter and make fun of my Cesar Gracie obsession.

Mevs' Football Friday Picks: Week 3

noreply@blogger.com (Mevs) — Fri, 23 Sep 2011 13:54:00 +0000

Sam Bradford is probably my favorite non-Cleveland Brown in football. The Rams are off to a rough start. They play host to the Baltimore Ravens this week in what I think will be the game of the week in the pros.

If you like college football, there's some tasty games on slate that should be up to your liking this weekend on Saturday. Alabama/Arkansas and LSU/West Virginia are my favorite games on the slate. Overall, you've got a great weekend of pigskin on tap, so I hope your wife or girlfriend doesn't plan a hay ride or trip to the pumpkin farm just yet.

If you're smart, you'll do that during the week. That's right, you put your time in doing the bullshit during the week so that you're free on Saturday and most importantly on Sunday. If you're one of those suckers that has to go to an apple orchard or a daughter's soccer game--I feel for you brother. Who would want to see their kid play soccer after working all week? That shit is for the birds.

Last week I hope you didn't put as much stock in my picks as I did. I went 5-9-2 against the spread making me a mediocre (but not terrible) 13-13-4 on the year. This week we're going to right the ship. With the juice in Vegas you're going to lose some money on that. But it's respectable enough that you can recover, and we are going to be a band-aid on that sumbitch and get us some this week.

My picks in bold.

New England (-8.5) at Buffalo
I know everyone is excited about the Bills. This is probably the biggest game they've played in a decade or so. But Tom Brady isn't missing right now. Bill Belicheck is laughing at the thought of the Bills even keeping it close. And they won't. It was a neat little story while it lasted.

San Francisco (+2.5) at Cincinnati
I understand that it's a west coast team flying east to take on a Bengals team that hasn't looked that bad--but Jerome Simpson just got caught with an amount of weed that would get an entire fraternity house high and still have enough for the cook and housefather. The Bengals play best when people expect nothing of them. They'll go down this week.

Miami (+2.5) at Cleveland
My source tells me that Tony Sparano must win this week or next (vs. San Diego) to avoid being fired. Everyone is talking about the possibility of a 2-1 start for the Browns. That's about to go away with another big home letdown. Miami will run the ball like crazy against them and get chunks. Cleveland cannot play from behind. My poor Browns are always stuck in purgatory.

Tennessee at Denver (+6.5)
Denver isn't a good team but they're at home where it's tough to play and a long way from Nashville. Tennessee upset Baltimore last week handily. Now enjoy your hangover, Titans.

Detroit (-3.5) at Minnesota
Donovan McNabb is the next man to be fed to the Lions. These guys are a wrecking crew right now. They're straight fucking people up. If you're bored early Sunday for some reason go ahead and turn these guys on. They're going to beat the hell out of Minnesota. It's still in a dome and it's perfect for that quick roster.

Houston at New Orleans (-4)
Pretty tough game to pick here, but factor in the home team and I don't see New Orleans falling to 1-2. Now that spread is enough that New Orleans could win by 1 or 2 and not cover, but I think they will score a touchdown late with a small lead to get us the win here. Watch something whacky happen though.

New York Giants at Philadelphia (Off)
The line is off because of the health of Mike Vick who had the cowboy Hell beaten out of him on Sunday Night Football last week in Atlanta. He's going to play--was there every any doubt? Antrel Rolle of the Giants said they want him out there when they stomp Philly. I've seen the way teams go up and down the field on the Giants throwing the ball. Philly will have their way with my wife's team, but not my wife; thank God.

Jacksonville at Carolina (-3.5)
Cam Newton is Michael Jordan in cleats. Blaine Gabbert gets his first start. Look for Cammy Cam to get his first win down in Carolina.

New York Jets (-3.5) at Oakland
New York is elite. Still waiting on that mistake free game from Mark Sanchez but their defense is really good. Someone on the inside told me that Oakland will dominate this game in the trenches. I'm not buying it. The Jets cover here.

Baltimore (-4) at St. Louis
I love Sam Bradford, but St. Louis has no identity without Steven Jackson. I also don't think Steve Spagnuolo is a very good head coach. Any chance of an upset went out the window last week when Baltimore got their asses handed to them by the Titans. It's going to get ugly for the team that I picked to win the NFC West.

Kansas City at San Diego (-14.5)
Point spreads like that are a little high for my liking. Kansas City is a defeated team right now and San Diego is really good. They're at home and they like to throw the ball as much as anyone not named New England. I don't really know if they can cover that spread, but I know Kansas City probably doesn't have more than 14 points in them at best.

Green Bay (-3.5) at Chicago
I said it last week; ride Green Bay to cover until they don't. They're the world champs. Jay Cutler showed last week in New Orleans that he's still capable of being a turd.

Arizona (-3.5) at Seattle
I imagine that Seattle's scouts are going to be knowing everything about Andrew Luck and Matt Barkley that there is to know starting right now--down to what type of cologne they wear.

Atlanta (+1.5) at Tampa Bay
The football gods gave Tampa Bay their Houdini act that even the best teams only get one or two of each season. They've used up 8 of their 9 lives with Josh Freeman at the helm if you count last year's miracle finishes. Atlanta is physical and can win against a very good team--they showed the world that against Philly last Sunday night. This is too small of a spread. Take the Falcons.

Pittsburgh (+10.5) at Indianapolis
This is my survivor pick and lock of the week. Indy is so helpless. Pittsburgh is STILL pissed off from week one. They haven't been scored upon since. Watch them pulverize Indy on Sunday night.

Washington at Dallas (Off)
This game is 'off' due to the Tony Romo injury. It sounds like they're going to play him. Washington isn't good enough to go to 3-0. Dallas wins and goes to 2-1 and the world keeps on spinning as it should.

The Bottom 10

noreply@blogger.com (Derwood Morris) — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 22:26:00 +0000

People love to read and analyze polls about good teams, but we're more interested in a poll that recognizes the truly terrible. Here is the debut of the MTD College Football Bottom 10.

110. Mississippi (1-2). Only win came against Southern Illinois. If you'd like to make fun of Southern Illinois, here's athletic director Mario Moccia's email address: mmoccia@siu.edu.

111. Indiana (*0-2). The Hoosiers were whistled for 20 penalties but still got their first win Saturday, holding off powerhouse South Carolina State, 38-21. We're still waiting on an answer from the NCAA as to whether a win over South Carolina State actually counts. Until that time, Indiana is 0-2.

112. Duke (1-2). Win over Boston College was program's first victory since 1982.

113. UCLA (1-2). Almost lost to San Jose State.

114. San Jose State (0-3). Almost beat Nevada.

115. Western Kentucky (0-3). Allowed Indiana State to score 44 points.

116. New Mexico (0-3). Stood around and watched Texas Tech quarterback Seth Doege complete 40 of his 44 pass attempts and set a record for completion percentage (90.9). Last win: November, 1993.

117. Akron (0-3). Out-scored 142-17. Potentially good news: the Zips' next opponent is VMI, which just started its football program a half hour ago.

118. North Texas (0-3). Politely moved out of the way while Florida International, Houston and Alabama won by a combined 130-39. Hilariously nicknamed the Mean Green.

119. Boston College (0-3). The Eagles lost to Northwestern and Central Florida in their first two games, which is terrible, but Saturday they lost to Duke. Let me say that another way: a 23-yard field goal attempt by Nate Freese that would've given his team a 22-20 lead with 43 seconds left bounced off the left upright and Boston College LOST TO DUKE.

College Football Weekend

noreply@blogger.com (Derwood Morris) — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 03:01:00 +0000

It's time for MTD's second installment of College Football Weekend. I watched a number of games, even Boston College-Duke, which was similar to the time I ran over a fire ant hill with a lawnmower, was bitten by hundreds of ants, broke out in hives and had to go to the hospital.

* A pair of defensive coordinators-Ted Roof of Auburn and Kansas' Vic Shealy-had weekends that made this guy make this face:

Roof's Tigers not only had their 17-game winning streak snapped, but let Clemson pile up 624 total yards in a 38-24 loss, while the Jayhawks' defense declined to appear in Saturday's game at Georgia Tech as the Yellow Jackets set school records for total yards (768) and rushing yards (604) in a 66-24 victory.

After the game Shealy had a conversation with his resume:

Shealy: So, what do we do next?

Resume:

And speaking of Clemson, I've got a few problems with what's happening at Memorial Stadium on game days:

1. A metal tiger sits atop the scoreboard and when Clemson scores the tiger's eyes light up. It's as terrible as it sounds.

2. The big tradition at Clemson is the players run down the hill before the game. ABC announcer: "The most exciting 25 seconds in college football." It's people running down a hill.

* There's an ABC sideline reporter named Quint Kessenich. Quint? That isn't a name.

* Couple issues with announcers I need to address:

1. Please stop telling me to give players and teams credit. I'm the viewer, I watch. You're the commentators, you give out the credit. No. 1 on the list: "you have to give credit where credit is due."

2. Actually, you CAN say enough about a player. When's the last time someone said something new about Jim Brown? It's been decades, and you want to know why? Because enough has been said about him.

* Staying with announcers/studio people, here's this week's list of phrases I don't ever want to hear again:

"He's the bell cow on defense"
"They're going to hit you in the mouth"
"It's a chess match"
"He's growing up right before our eyes"
"He showed some mental dexterity"
"In the trenches"
"He's got a chance to be special"
"Pinning your ears back"
"He's one tough hombre"

* Fresno State 27, North Dakota 22

* I realized while watching the Oklahoma-Florida State game that I don't enjoy the names Jimbo Fisher and Bob Stoops. Now Jimbo Stoops? That name has limitless possibilities.

* Oklahoma State and Tulsa sat through a three hour weather delay, didn't get started until 12:15 a.m. CDT, and didn't finish until 3:38 a.m. when Oklahoma State polished off a 59-33 win. Cowboys coach Mike Gundy:

"There comes a certain point in the middle of the morning your body's not used to functioning. Whether young people stay up late at night or not, they don't exert themselves at 2 and 3 in the morning."

Gundy obviously has never been up at 3:00 a.m. and said to himself, "I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure I'm in a head butt tournament."

UFC Fight Night: Cajun Style

noreply@blogger.com (MTD) — Sat, 17 Sep 2011 00:25:00 +0000

Living in New Orleans and being an occasional MMA blogger, you'd think I would have made more of an effort to attend UFC Fight Night 25. To that, I say send me a free ticket, Dana White. I beg for change under I-10 for a living, I certainly can't afford the $140 StubHub wants to sit with the common folk. I probably would have cashed in the rolls of nickels my grandpa gave me for my birthday earlier this month to buy a ticket but I don't love the card. I'm an unabashed Jake Shields/Diaz Bros./Cesar Gracie fan but the match-up against Jake Ellenberger doesn't excite me.

We might as well get to it unless you want to hear more about my panhandling skills? No? I have a mean tap dancing routine where I wear black face and angry people swear at me.

Okay, my picks are bold and the lines are from Bodog.

Jake Shields -200 vs. Jake Ellenberger +160
Shields has thrown 11 complete games this season for the Rays. Amazing. Wrong blog/sport. Jake is rebounding from a UFC loss against Georges St. Pierre but, otherwise, has recent impressive victories over Dan Henderson, Jason "Neck Herpes" Miller and Robbie Lawler. Too much good Jiu-Jitsu from the Gracie camp.

Shields via 3rd round submission.

Court McGee -165 vs. Dongi Yang +135
This is a joke, right? Dana White just had Jay Leno's staff writers make up some MMA names for a poster, right? RIGHT? Either way, I can't pick against Dongi Yang. I plan on writing a series of very classy pornographic screenplays about him.

Yang via 2nd round TKO.

Erik Koch -200 vs. Jonathan Brookins +160
Pffft.. Not only will I not attend this event, I'm going to watch it on DVR. I'll take the guy with BJJ skills.

Brookins via decision.

Alan Belcher -325 vs. Jason McDonald +245
Alan Belcher is only 27-years-old. Seems older to me. But I have the attention span of a fruit fly. Now I'd like some grapes. Or maybe an orange. I can't remember the last time I had an orange. My nephew's favorite color is blue.

Belcher via 2nd round TKO.

All right kids, enjoy the violence. I won't be on Twitter live to precisely score each round but I imagine you'll do just fine without me.

Editor's Meeting

noreply@blogger.com (Derwood Morris) — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 18:53:00 +0000

MTD and Derwood often hold Editor's Meetings at Offbasepercentage.com, but today, they brought one over to MTD. Here's their latest text message back-and-forth entitled "Women With Limps, Professional Bowling & El Porton Waitresses".

MTD (2:53 p.m.): I'm listening to an economics lecture for a class at Yale because I can't find where it's playing from on my laptop.

Derwood (2:54 p.m.): That's actually not what I expected that message to say.

MTD (2:55 p.m.): Oh, it stopped! Shit, I didn't take notes and I think there's a practice set due next week.

Derwood (2:57 p.m.): The girl that sits a row in front of you with the dent in her head and the limp, did you finally get her number?

MTD (3:00 p.m.): We're having lunch in the quad before financial theory 301.

Derwood (3:02 p.m.): Careful, she sometimes eats right off your plate. With her mouth.

MTD (3:03 p.m.): It's off-putting, sure, but that limp is sexy.

Derwood (3:05 p.m.): I know. It's like Willis Reed's limp in the '70 finals, except she's coming out of the bathroom.

MTD (3:07 p.m.): What you talkin' about, Willis? That's HOT. What's wrong with me? OK, straight jacket time.

Derwood (3:09 p.m.): Then the padded room, yes. But since we're talking basketball: the NBA never comes back, how much does it really matter?

MTD (3:11 p.m.): I'm more worried about sending out email invites for my national bowling association fantasy league.

Derwood (3:14 p.m.): That reminds me, are we going to the PBA southwest regional September 23 or not? I've got tons of potato salad and it's going to go to waste. You're the only one who likes it now that Trevor found Jesus, decided he didn't need his glasses because the lord sees for him now and wandered in front of that bus.

MTD (3:16 p.m.): You know it! I have more guacamole than I know what to do with and the neighborhood kids take the long way home now since I've been chucking it at them when they get off the bus.

Derwood (3:17 p.m.): I've made this offer before, and it still stands: you hit that Hannington kid anywhere above the neck, and I'll give you that haircut you've been wanting.

MTD (3:19 p.m.): Speaking of haircuts, I'm jealous of your mohawk.

Derwood (3:21 p.m.): This mohawk may change lives. But, it may not.

MTD (3:22 p.m.): I had a mohawk once. My ex-girlfriend actually supported it, and cut it. It changed lives. That poor waitress at El Porton was never the same.

Derwood (3:24 p.m.): This isn't about you scaring waitresses. Wait, maybe it is.

MTD (3:26 p.m.): It's always about me scaring waitresses.

Derwood (3:27 p.m.): Except that one time when it was about you scaring a hostess.

MTD (3:29 p.m.): Touche-it is also sometimes about me scaring hostesses. I have references.

Derwood (3:32 p.m.): Again, I don't think writing in crayon on a bar napkin counts as a "resume".

Mevs' Football Friday Picks: Week 2

noreply@blogger.com (Mevs) — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 03:29:00 +0000

Each and every Friday, I'll be here to make my NFL Picks against the spread. I used to pick games straight up, but that's just too easy. This is what will put hair on your chest as a betting man. This is how you show that you truly know the game; by successfully picking against the spread you will be showing that you understand which ways the ball bounces on the gridiron.

So show up each week and go toe to toe with me. Maybe you'll be good enough to quit your day job as a personal banker, caddy, or salesman. If you can out-pick me, you can move out to Vegas and become a regular Jimmy the Greek.

Either way, we'll have some fun this season of greatness surrounded around the pigskin. We'll hide out from our wives, talk about scotch, scratch our nuts, and leave our toe nails in a pile on the coffee table. It's NFL season and we can do whatever the fuck we want. It's our time to just focus on our point spreads and being dudes.

So without further wait, let's get you some picks, Cinderella.

Last week, I went 8-4-2 against the spread. I had upset picks of Cincinnati, Buffalo, Detroit, and Minnesota. Sometimes this shit is almost too easy. Sometimes, a rookie Cammy Cam Newton goes off for 422 yards and you push in a game that wrecks what should have been a huge fucking week for you.

My picks in bold.

Green Bay (-10) at Carolina
This is a game I cannot wait to see. Cam Newton has the #1 selling jersey in the NFL right now. Unfornuately for the nut huggers like me, he's about to get his ass branded by a real defense. Dom Capers eats pieces of shit like him for breakfast. But I do think Newton is a superstar like we've never seen in the making.

Oakland at Buffalo (-3)
Hard game to make money on. Ryan Fitzpatrick is just Steve DeBerg enough to keep this going enough a little longer.

Kansas City (+8) at Detroit
The Lions keep rolling and go to 2-0 on the season, and while it might be a long year for Kansas City those bastards will fight hard in this one up in the Motor City. Tight loss for KC.

Baltimore (-6) at Tennessee

One last run for Ed Reed, Ray Lewis and the gang. That's what this past Sunday against the Steelers said to me. The Tits won't know what hit them.

Cleveland (-2.5) at Indianapolis
Don't ever lay your money on a Cleveland team. Do you know how many people in the sports bar last week (in New Jersey) were paying attention to the Bengals/Browns game? I ask them if they're Browns fans. They were not. They had the Browns in their survivor pool. Never, ever take them in a survivor pool. Still; Kerry Collins is old as all Hell and the Colts have 2 linebackers out. This Indy team is buried.

Tampa Bay (+3) at Minnesota
Vegas surprises me with this one. What do they know that we don't? Is Josh Freeman banged up? Is he on smack? Did they see how done Donovan McNabb is? Underdog pick here; and in my opinion easy money--as Minnesota was as a road dog last week. Tampa Bay is gonna rumble this year, they won't fall to 0-2.

Chicago (+7) at New Orleans
I changed my pick on this game tonight. Usually a terrible thing to do. Brian Urlacher is playing after the death of his mother. Chicago will fight hard for their leader. Don't know who wins but something tells me Chicago can keep it closer with a little bit desperate New Orleans team.

Jacksonville (+9.5) at NY Jets
I think I'm in the minority here, but I don't see the Jets covering at home yet. They start slow at home. Jack Del Rio is a pain in the ass. Can we just see that meathead fucker fired already?

Seattle at Pittsburgh (-14.5)
"Oh no. Now they're really fucking pissed off"--Seattle this week at practice. I am getting a weird feeling that the Steelers go 8-8 or 9-7 and miss the playoffs this year. But this week, they're going to pour Heinz ketchup in the Seahawks asses and send them back to the Pacific Northwest.

Arizona at Washington (-3.5)
I thought Washington would be one of the worst teams in football. At my wedding, my buddy Ryan from Rockville, Maryland told me I was a fool for thinking that and I'd see. He was the one wearing a sailor's hat and double fisting Jonny Walker.

Dallas (-3) at San Francisco
Somtimes, things are this easy. Dallas is good. They're really looking for vengeance. Tony Romo won't fuck this up. Remember, the NFC West is fully of teams that think winning every other is passable.

Cincinnati at Denver (-4)
Both of them are so shitty I don't even want to comment on this game. Minor league NFL in Denver this weekend.

Houston (-3) at Miami
Houston is like, really fucking good. They're going to get Arian Foster back sooner or later but they're really good even without him. If there is a Cinderella to make a deep postseason run this year they could be the team. Miami just gave up a year's worth of yardage to Bill Belichick this past Monday night. Tony Sparano smells like Munster cheese I bet.

San Diego at New England (-7)
Tough game to pick. There's a chance New England wins and doesn't cover, but you ride the hot hand. There has never been a hotter hand than Tom Brady has right now.The Belichick special on NFL Network was decent, by the way.

Philadelphia (-2.5) at Atlanta
Damnit, Uncle Frank. Why do you text me and tell me you like underdog Atlanta? The more I think about it, the more I second guess this pick. I think Philly is bad ass. It's Mike Vick's return to Atlanta. When I go against Uncle Frank, I get hit on the hands with the wooden spoon. I am gonna stick with my pick--but I advise you to proceed with caution with this shit.

St. Louis (+6) at New York Giants **Monday Night Football**
This is my upset special of the week. I'm not going to highlight it like Frank Caliendo. I'll act like I have been here before. My wife's family are die-hard Giants fans. They know the pulse, and that team has soured on Tom Coughlin. It's just over for the old white conservative. They need someone younger, and darker leading them. Sam Bradford is healthy enough to pull off the upset. We have a real beaut of a game Monday Night between a couple of desperate teams. Must-win as it gets for week two. I like the Rams for the straight up win in New York.

So there you have it. You all be good this weekend and make sure you do nothing but watch football from Saturday morning until Sunday night. You deserve it. And if your friends invite you over ask them if you can bring something and don't be the dipshit who eats slices of pizza and leaves without throwing in a few bucks. Hell, after getting picks from me you can even afford to pick up the tab for once you cheap bastard.

The Thursday 5

noreply@blogger.com (Derwood Morris) — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 16:04:00 +0000

The title of this segment has become as ridiculous as North Texas' bowl chances as only week one had five scheduled games on Thursday. As we approach week three of the college football season, we've got two games Thursday and a trio of contests Friday, including

Bryant at Sacred Heart, Friday, 7:00 p.m.

Sacred Heart, which dropped its opener to Marist last weekend, has a roster filled with some of the best names in college football:

* Rock Tate, junior wide receiver
* Jo Jo Jamiel, junior wide receiver
* Valentino Perrina, freshman linebacker
* Rudyard Favard, freshman linebacker
* Desmond Mighty, junior lineman

Pick: Sacred Heart

No. 3 LSU at No. 25 Mississippi State, Thursday, 8:00 p.m.

The SEC is finally going to get some recognition tonight when these two kick off from Starkville. The host Bulldogs will try to snap an 11-game losing streak in the series as the last MSU win was 17-16 on October 23, 1999. You know who else won that day? Western Michigan, 28-0 over Ball State.

MTD reader Marc R.

returns for his thoughts on this Thursday match up:

"I was thinking about tuning in for the LSU-Mississippi State match up, then I realized I'd rather doo in my own hand and feed it to my salamander than watch that stupid game between two teams that smell worse than Derwood's 1997 vintage Superman underwear. I mean, first of all, who decided that purple and yellow were a good combination for a university's official colors? The toilet experience I had yesterday after an evening of Indian food was more tasteful and attractive than LSU's uniforms. And as far as I'm concerned, Mississippi State doesn't exist anymore. Prediction: 35-14 LSU, and no one cares except some drunk morons who will be screaming about how fantastic the SEC is while falling over, most likely nude."

[Update, 12:07 p.m.: Marc R. taken to an asylum for evaluation. Placed under strict supervision in the padded room and given one of the blue pills with the dolphin on it. He'll be out on Lawn 5 at around 3:00 p.m. if any family would like to visit.]

Pick: LSU

Iowa State at Connecticut, Friday, 8:00 p.m.

The Cyclones have been living dangerously through the first two weeks, scoring two touchdowns in the final 4:30 to beat Northern Iowa, 20-19, then knocking off Iowa, 44-41 in three overtimes last weekend. Defending Big East champion Connecticut will try to stop ISU from starting 3-0 for the first time since 2005. But that's enough about "game results" and "won-loss records". Instead, let's get UConn linebacker Sio Moore to help us with the first Thursday 5 Cliche Counter™:

“It’s really not about them(1). We know what we have to do(2). They're a good team(3). We know we can't do anything to minimize our chances of winning(4). We need to execute(5)."

Thanks, Sio.

Pick: Iowa State

Union College (KY) at Tennessee-Martin, Thursday, 7:00 p.m.

Union is 1-1 after shutting out Kentucky Christian 27-0 last week, but I'm more interested in the Kentucky school's men's and women's bowling teams. One of the top stories on the men's bowling page is Union's signing Travis DeWitt of Rogersville, TN to a national letter of intent. A few questions:

1. There are bowling scouts?
2. How do you become a bowling scout?
3. Where do they go to scout, regular neighborhood bowling alleys?
4. Is making a recruiting trip during Cosmic Bowling a recruiting violation because it's after midnight?
5. There are bowling scouts?

I wonder if there are any recruiting scandals in college bowling. If anyone has any information about five-star recruits getting free shoe sanitizer or using the bumpers for a few frames and can confirm their nonsense, please email derwoodmorris@gmail.com, subject line "confirming nonsense".

Pick: Tennessee-Martin

No. 5 Boise State at Toledo, Friday, 8:00 p.m.

As late as Wednesday evening, around 3,000 tickets remained available for this game at the Glass Bowl. That means at least 3,000 people have found something better to do on a Thursday night in Toledo.

Pick: Boise State

We close this week's Thursday 5 with a leftover NFL quote from last Sunday. Here's FOX commentator Darryl Johnston on wide out Roy Williams:

"He really struggled this preseason with production."

Last week: 3-2
Season: 7-3

Adam Morrison: Off To Serbia

noreply@blogger.com (Derwood Morris) — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 06:29:00 +0000

Take a look at this headline: Adam Morrison Signs In Serbia. Wow, there it is. Adam Morrison: gone from the NBA, gone from our hearts, gone from lay up lines, except for the Lakers' lay up lines Kobe Bryant never invited him to participate in in the first place.

Morrison, who famously attempted a three-point shot against the Pacers January 27, 2010, has taken his mustache to Serbia and signed a contract with Red Star Belgrade. At Gonzaga, the 6-8 forward averaged 19.7 points per game in three seasons and 28 PPG as a junior for Mark Few before the Charlotte Bobcats made him the No. 3 overall pick in the 2006 NBA Draft. During the 2009 season, he was dealt with Shannon Brown to the Lakers for Vladimir Radmanovic in a trade which ranks right up there with that other trade that was made that one year.

Morrison was signed as a free agent by the Washington Wizards September 25, 2010, then was released a week before the '10-'11 season began to make room on the Washington roster for Steve Urkel (speculation).

* Ed. note: Thanks to an Urkel-fueled, 30-7 run, Muskrats win 74-73 *

I'll miss Adam Morrison. I'll miss his 10-point game against the Magic on November 18, 2006. I'll miss all those times he slid down a seat so another player could sit down. But mostly, I'll miss the laughter (footage not found).

A Step Back for Society

noreply@blogger.com (Derwood Morris) — Tue, 13 Sep 2011 19:43:00 +0000

MTD Top 25

noreply@blogger.com (Derwood Morris) — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 06:08:00 +0000

MTD College Football Top 25 - Week 3
(Last week's ranking)

1. Alabama (1) vs. North Texas
2. Oklahoma (2) at No. 4 Florida State
3. LSU (3) at No. 25 Mississippi State
4. Florida State (4) vs. No. 1 Oklahoma
5. Boise State (5) at Toledo
6. Oklahoma State (7) at Tulsa
7. Stanford (6) at Arizona
8. Wisconsin (8) at Northern Illinois
9. Nebraska (9) vs. Washington
10. Texas A&M (10) vs. Idaho
11. Arkansas (12) vs. Troy
12. Virginia Tech (11) vs. Arkansas State
13. Oregon (13) vs. Missouri State
14. South Carolina (14) vs. Navy
15. Michigan State (15) at Notre Dame
16. Auburn (17) at Clemson
17. Ohio State (16) at Miami (Fla.)
18. West Virginia (19) at Maryland
19. Florida (23) vs. Tennessee
20. Texas (21) at UCLA
21. South Florida (NR) vs. Florida A&M
22. Baylor (24) vs. SF Austin
23. Arizona State (NR) at Illinois
24. TCU (25) vs. Louisiana Monroe
25. Mississippi State (18) vs. No. 3 LSU

Dropped out: No. 20 Missouri, No. 22 Penn State