Morag and Me

So Long, Blogger!

2013-02-20T07:41:00.001-05:00

This blog has a new home! Don't think of this as a move so much as an exciting blast from the past. Not only have I returned to WordPress.com, I've reinstated my original blog name, Closer. Whooop Whoop!!

Come check me out at my new/old site: moragandme.wordpress.com. There will be punch and pie.

Operation Clean-Up-After-Your-Own-Damn-Self UPDATE

2013-02-18T14:11:00.000-05:00

Why I Love Toy Jail

Disclaimer: "Toy Jail" is not my original idea.

I stole it from a friend who stole it from whoknowswhere.

First, a quick definition: Toy Jail is a bin or basket designated for any items your child refuses to pick up. Toys are then held in "jail" for a set period of time or earned back with good behaviour. For example, if I told my 3-year old to pick up her blocks and she didn't, I would put those blocks into the Toy Jail tote and she wouldn't be allowed to play with them again until she did something nice (tidy up another time, for example) to free them from The Clink.

In short, Toy Jail is pure parenting genius.

I love Toy Jail because:

1. It works

Toy Jail was relatively successful in getting my kidlette to clean up after herself. It took her a few days to "get" it, but once she understood that the toys in the bin don't come out of the bin, she got with the program. Now I'd say threatening Whitney with Toy Jail works about 70% of the time, and I've noticed that she is more likely to tidy up after herself without any prompting from me (spontaneous clean-up doesn't happen often - barely ever, if I'm honest - but it's more than she was doing before). The 30% of the time Toy Jail doesn't work to get Whitney to pick up, it still works for me because...

2. I'm lazy

I am not stuck picking up my daughter's toys, making sure all of the bits and bobs and tiny pieces for specific sets are accounted for, tidying her shelves, etc. In fact, it's almost better when she doesn't clean up because I can just throw all of her stuff in Toy Jail without following her around, telling her where things go, etc. I just dump it and leave it. What used to take me a half hour to clean up now takes about 2 minutes - throw toys in the tote, move tote back to its home in Lilo's room, and walk away. It's amazing.

3. It allows me to be totally neutral

Because clean-up is so easy for me now, I literally don't care what Whitney does with her toys, and I'm able to be completely neutral about it. I don't get angry or frustrated and I'm never locked in a power struggle with my preschooler. If she doesn't clean up, the consequence is Toy Jail. End of story, and neither of us get bent out of shape about it.

4. I think bribery is a perfectly acceptable parenting technique

Toy Jail provides me with a whole bin of currency for bribery that is a) good for my kid's health (opposed to cookies or chocolate), b) effortless (opposed to reading an extra book before bed or playing baby for the millionth time), and c) free (opposed to a trip to the store or a visit to Starbucks). Did you clean your room? Bust Horace the Elephant from Toy Jail. Can you brush your teeth without whining about it? Grab your doll house from the Big House. Were you an exceptionally good listener? I see an alligator who can get out of the slammer early on good behaviour.

5. Fewer toys in rotation is a good thing

I've always wanted to do a toy rotation (where you hide half of your kid's stuff for weeks at a time and then switch it out so they think they have new toys), but we never had the space to do it before. Toy Jail is basically a forced rotation system and it is awesome. When she has fewer items to play with, Whitney enjoys her toys more. Also, it means easier, quicker clean-up of the toys that are "free". Whit's room has never been so refreshingly clutter free.

I think the only thing I don't like about our Toy Jail is the fact that it's obviously too small. I really do need a bigger bin.

Original "Operation Clean-Up-After-Your-Own-Damn-Self" post here.

January Love/Hate List: Where I Get Progressively More and More Angry

2013-02-03T21:36:00.001-05:00

I had exactly 3 things on my January favourites list:

1. Phonetic Danzig - because it's hilarious,

2. Covers of "The Cup Song" (You're Gonna Miss Me by Lulu and the Lampshades) - because I'm a 13 year old girl. And yeah, I did learn how to "play" it. Don't judge me, and

3. C.G.P Grey - because I love love love clever, educational YouTube channels. Other good educational channels include TEDtalks, Big Think, and anything featuring the vlogbrothers (Crash Course, and Sci Show, for example).

Clearly, January wasn't very exciting for me, so I thought I'd share with you some of my January Hates (equally as boring as my Faves, but what this post lacks in quality, I intend to make up for in quantity).

1. Canadian Netflix - Seriously, Netflix? Seriously!! I signed up for a free trial, and then I didn't use it because I couldn't find any of the movies or shows I was looking for. Then I forgot to cancel my subscription so now I am stuck actually paying for this piece of crap service. I heard the American version has a much better selection so if you're living in Canada, I suggest a) getting software/services that obscure your IP address so you can get the American Netflix, b) downloading movies like everyone else on the planet, c) using some other streaming service, or d) going legit and purchasing or renting DVDs (I liked zip.ca once upon a time). That being said, I intend to milk the crap out of Netflix because I'm all paid up until February 15, so if you have any movie suggestions, lay them on me (hopefully I'll be able to find one or two of them on the site)...

2. Les Miserables (the movie, and probably the live show) - Am I the only person on earth who hated this movie (well, me and the other two people I saw it with)?! Because honestly - I heard nothing but good things about this film and the audience in our theatre clapped when it was over (the old lady sitting beside me was literally sobbing). They CLAPPED, y'all, like the people on the screen could hear them or something. They clapped like it wasn't the longest, most boring movie they had ever seen. I was expecting an epic masterpiece. I spent the whole movie waiting for it to get better but it never did. My ass was crying out for Fantine ("I'm dying, Fantine! Take me with you, Fantine!") by the end of the show.

I thought maybe I didn't like Les Mis because I'm not big into musicals (I was obsessed with Hedwig and the Angry Inch for a long, long time, but I don't think that counts). But then I realized I loved Phantom as a kid. My Fair Lady (a musical so long, it requires two VHS tapes and an intermission. I know because I own it) is one of my favourite films, so... I think Les Mis was just that terrible.

Les Miserables was rife with subjects that make me weep like a baby - poverty, injustice, child abuse, combat, death, fundamentalism - but the tears I shed were (figurative) tears of boredom. The only strong emotion I felt was anger, like when Russell Crowe's character offed himself. I get why he did it, I understand The Point that was being made, but I was just like "fucking asshole!"

Also, my heart was filled with loathing any time Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter came onscreen. I felt like I was watching Sweeney Todd all over again (I liked Sweeney Todd, but once is enough). Does Helena ever play a character who ISN'T Marla Singer?

And I hated Cosette. She was kind of a useless twit, wasn't she? All that, and she and her boyfriend end up filthy rich and living happily ever after. I mean, great, Jean Valjean achieved his goal, but nothing changed within the system and Cosette didn't even know his back story, so, in my mind, he kind of turned her into part of the problem rather than part of the solution. Am I missing something? Maybe the point of this story is that EVERYTHING is futile? Because that's totally what I came away with.

The book is probably better.

Speaking of books...

3. The Fifty Shades Series by E.L. James - It took me almost a year to get through this series, but I finally finished the last book (Fifty Shades Freed) this month. Wow. I mean, it wasn't THAT bad because, obviously, I finished it. It was entertaining, but you know the writing is horrible when you're skipping the sex scenes in an erotic novel because they're boring, and exclaiming "you're freaking KIDDING me!" at every terrible plot twist.

I have nothing to say about this series that wasn't already covered in this aaaaaamazing Goodreads review (http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/340987215?auto_login_attempted=true), but I will say that fewer books have made me as angry and depressed as Fifty Shades of Grey made me.

Ladies and Gentlemen, if your partner does any of the following things: scares you, threatens you, attempts to control any aspect of your life, cuts you off from friends and family, becomes overly and unnecessarily jealous, makes you feel stupid, hits you (without your explicit consent in a real BDSM relationship - not an abusive relationship disguised as BDSM a la Ana and Christian), RUN! RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN AND NEVER LOOK BACK! It is not romantic. It is not a measure of how much he/she loves and cherishes you. You cannot change him/her into a kinder, gentler version of him/herself - he/she needs extensive therapy to do that, and even if you COULD change him/her, you deserve to be with someone who isn't broken to begin with. RUN, RUN, RUN, FUCKING RUN!! FUCKING RUN!!!

Ahem.

ALSO, if your friend tries to rape you, report the sonofabitch. Don't pretend it never happened and continue on with your friendship. Cut all ties with that dude/girl and do yourself, and every other person he/she has raped or will rape, a favour and lock him/her up. He/she does not love you! He/she needs help! You do not deserve to be molested! RUN RUN RUN!!

That goes for you, too, Bella Swan!

Operation Clean-Up-After-Your-Own-Damn-Self

2013-02-01T22:00:00.000-05:00

Well, it's February 1st, which marks the beginning of Operation Clean-Up-After-Your-Own-Damn-Self at my house. I feel like a slave to my 3 year-old; it's bad enough I wipe her butt, I don't need to follow her around and pick up her toys, too.

Whitney isn't on board with this plan. She hates cleaning more than I do, and she outright refuses to do it. I threatened to get rid of her toys ("I'll give your train set to a little girl who cleans up after herself"), but Whit was delighted to share them with someone. I tried bribery ("You can have a cookie if you tidy up"), and she responded with "I don't want a cookie". I tried "toy jail" ("I am going to put your toys in this box and they'll never see the light of day again!"), and she said "That's okay, Momma. I have a lot more toys to play with". The kid is IMPOSSIBLE.

I should have been encouraging good housekeeping habits from day 1, but I'm too lazy to enforce a "tidy up" rule when it takes a lot less time and energy to do it myself. The only thing worse than cleaning is arguing with a toddler about cleaning. But the only thing worse than THAT, I have come to discover, is having a bratty, ungrateful preschooler, so it's time to get down to business.

My kid is gonna haaaaate me.

I'm going to stick with the "toy jail" strategy, where you put any items that are not picked up in a big box and forbid your child to play with them until he or she earns them back by doing chores and other good deeds. True, Whitney loves when I stop harassing her to clean and start chucking stuff into the toy jail box, but she won't like it much when every single one of her toys has been shut away.

We'll see if it works. It's the end of day 1 and her "toy jail" is already full. Clearly, I'm going to need a bigger box.

Three Things New Miranda Does that Old Miranda Didn't

2013-01-29T22:33:00.001-05:00

1. Drink more water

Cointrin and I are doing another "contest" to cut soft drinks from our diet. It's more of a support group thing than a competition because, as usual, there's no prize, no nothing - just two people who have chosen not to drink any juice or pop until... we're not sure. Sometime.

Needless to say, Cointrin is doing a much better job at this water thing than I am (true, I haven't had any juice or pop, but my Mio use has increased exponentially). It's hard. I would have cracked completely if we weren't doing the no-pop-challenge together. I would give anything for a Pepsi right now. Also, some hash browns, covered in cheese, with some onions and wieners in them. And a BLT. And some chips and onion dip. God, I'm hungry.

2. Make my own eczema cream

Really, that's a thing I did last night. Check it out!

I used this recipe: http://diyconfessions.com/2012/11/15/homemade-eczema-creamskin-moisturizer/.

I'll check back in a week (no, really. I will!) and let you know how it's going. I think eczema or no, this is probably a good hand cream recipe as far as homemade stuff goes. What's not to love about olive oil, coconut oil and oatmeal?

3. Join Tumblr

Okay, this is less like, a "New Miranda" thing as it is another way to get some more Hannah Hart into my online diet, but there you go. I have a Tumblr now. And I have nooo idea what to do with it. I feel like I'm showing my age here. What is Tumblr, anyway? I always thought Tumbler was to Pinterest as MySpace was to Facebook, so I never bothered. Come to find out I can follow blogs or something? Clearly, I need to surf around the site for more than the two seconds it took me to sign up and find Hannah.

Bonus Thing

I also researched some volunteer positions in my area, but nothing meshes with my childcare arrangements and Chase's work schedule at the moment. I think I'm going to have to keep creeping on some one-time-volunteer opportunities until something I can take comes up. I did learn that one of the senior centres has positions available, so that's definitely something to consider if I could somehow magically accommodate the hours. I would also love love love to teach people to read at the library. Oh my goodness; if only people wanted to learn to read with a 3 year-old and 6 month-old whining beside them...

Even More Games I Play with My 3 Year-Old

2013-01-24T00:08:00.000-05:00

Whitney is playing "We're going to the ball" in this photo.

Chase's boots are her dancing shoes.

The hall mat is The Ball (her dance floor).

Her lack of pants indicate that there's more going on at this party than just dancing.

Baby - Playing "Baby" makes me want to shove hot forks in my eyes, which is probably why it's Whitney's favourite game. She ALWAYS wants to be an infant and she wants me to take care of her. She plays this game even when I refuse to take part; she follows me around on her hands and knees, clutches at my ankles, and says "goo goo ga ga" or "whaaah waaaah waaaahnn!" until my head explodes. She puts herself to bed in Lorelai's crib. She wants to drink from real bottles. She swipes soothers. I want to murder her, but I try to be sympathetic. I know she's jealous of all of the attention Lorelai gets, so I indulge her a bit - not just in baby stuff, but also in special mommy-daughter time, games, creative play, etc., but this baby game is hard work. I have explained over and over again that I like big girls much better than babies (truth), and that I like playing other games, but she clings to this infant thing just the same. It's a phase I hope she gets over, like, NOW.

Doggy/Kitty - This game, where Whitney pretends to be a dog or a cat, is slightly more tolerable than "Baby" if only because she doesn't pretend to cry during it. Also, I get to sit on the couch while I throw an imaginary stick for Whit to fetch. Reeelaxing. Part of my responsibility as a pet owner is putting a bowl of water on the floor for the dog/cat to drink from. Water gets everywhere and inevitably, our real cat will start drinking from that same bowl, forcing me to put down another one for Whitney. I usually cut the game short when Buddy finds that second bowl of water and/or when there is more water on the floor than in the bowl. It's annoying, but cleaning up that mess is still preferable to playing "Baby".

Whiney Monster - Okay, this isn't really a game so much as a technique I stole (and potentially warped) from Jennifer Kolari to get my kid to stop whining. When Whit's voice reaches a pitch that I equate to nails on a chalkboard, I say something like "it sounds like the Whiney Monster has jumped down your throat again and made your voice sound like this [insert whiney voice here]. Open your mouth so I can see him!" If Whitney isn't overly upset, she opens her mouth so I can peer in and shout "Get out of there, Whiney Monster!". It gets a laugh and Whit will stop whining (at least, that's the goal). Every once in awhile, she tells me that it's not the Whiney Monster but Baby Monster* who is paying her a visit. Almost 50% of the time, the Whiney Monster technique doesn't work at all and I'm forced to play other games like "Mommy can't hear you when you use that voice" and "If you don't stop whining, you're going to your room or Mommy's gonna fit you with a pair of cement shoes and throw you in the river".

*Baby Monster - "Baby Monster" more or less grew out of "Pink Monster/Monster on the Rocks". Baby Monster (a tiny, pink, male creature named "Karen" but often referred to as just "Baby Monster") is Whitney's imaginary friend. He shows up everywhere, but he's famous for joining us when we are out and about. Sometimes he rides in Whitney's pocket or in her hand, sometimes the stroller. Sometimes he runs ahead and beats us home. He's also a big fan of the bathtub and joins Whitney for a dip. Lately, his family has been visiting us, too. His dad, a grey monster, has taken a particular liking to me. I think Whitney created Daddy Monster to be my pet like Baby Monster is hers. I always wonder what she imagines Baby Monster to look like. I personally picture him as a dusty-rose coloured saltasaurus. "Baby Monster" is one of my favourite games because it doesn't involve any clean-up, it doesn't require me to spoon fake food into my kid's face, and it's open ended enough that Baby Monster can do just about anything. It's fun to hear Whitney make up new adventures for him.

You can read about more games I play with Whitney here and here.

My Early Mid-Life Crisis

2013-01-23T09:11:00.000-05:00

Well, it took a little longer than last time, but I've hit that point in my mat leave when I actually WANT to go back to work. I know from experience that I'm delusional (I'd be in the office for 2 minutes before I decided that I'd rather be at home), but it doesn't keep me from daydreaming about cubicles and reports and lunch with my coworkers.

I think I'm having a mini mid-life crisis because... what the hell am I doing with my life?! And whhhyy do I want to go back to my job? Am I THAT boring*?

*That was a rhetorical question. I am that boring.

I have a little under 6 months left of my maternity leave; I'm determined to stop whining like the ungrateful douche bag I am, and do something with this amazing time I've been given. The problem is, I don't know what I want to do. No matter. I will forge ahead. Join me and New Miranda in the coming weeks as I invent projects designed to make me feel better, but that I will probably never follow through on. Weeee!!

The Internet Told Me to Do It: Creamy Chicken Broccoli Casserole

2013-01-21T21:34:00.001-05:00

I'm really trying hard to create a meal plan each week, and stick to it. My whole family is happier when we're eating good, healthy, home-cooked meals, but I frequently lose sight of that when Chase has been working a lot of late nights or when we haven't been able to coordinate a trip to the grocery store or when I'm bored stiff with the meals I usually make.

In order to keep it fresh and exciting (as fresh and exciting as cooking can get for me - I'm not much of a homemaker), I've been scouring the internet for new recipes. Chef in Training is my new favourite food blog, if only because she gets her husband to do a "favourites" round-up every once in awhile. If it's husband approved, I'm all over it.

Her Creamy Chicken Broccoli Casserole was hubby-approved - both her husband and my husband loved it; me, not so much. Whitney barely let it pass her lips. I'm not surprised that it wasn't my favourite recipe - I don't like white sauces much and this was very white-saucy. I also kind of hate parmesan, and even though I only used half of what the recipe called for, it was still a little too cheesy for me. That being said, I'd make this casserole again. It is a nice once-in-a-blue-moon-because-Chase-really-liked-it meal, and it's really easy to make.

Recipe here: http://www.chef-in-training.com/2011/03/creamy-chicken-broccoli-casserole/

Movies I've Seen Lately that AREN'T Les Mis*

2013-01-19T22:46:00.002-05:00

* I've been wanting to post about Les Mis for two weeks now, but I put it off for so long, I can't summon the rage I need to write the entry anymore. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe...

Rock of Ages - Whyyyyy did I see another musical?! Whyyyyyyyyy!!? This movie was so bad, and so forgettable, I'd rather see Les Mis again.

Magic Mike - I had a bunch of girls over to see this one because it seemed like that kind of movie. Turns out? I dislike watching naked men dance around when I'm in a group just as much as I do when I'm alone. Also, I barely watched the movie and was still able to follow the "plot". The only thing that would have made Magic Mike good was some man-on-man action - all of those buff, half-naked guys and not a single kiss between the lot. What a shame. PS - I am a total pig.

Pootie Tang - I had to watch this movie after I found out that Louis CK (who, for some reason, has been gettng quite a few mentions in my blog lately. I do like other comedians, guys. Really) wrote and directed it. Terrible, terrible, but it's one of those movies I like much better in retrospect, if my frequent use of the phrase "I'm gonna sine your piddy on the runny kine" is any indication.

What horrible movies have you guys been watching lately?

I'm Like a Graceful Swan... A Graceful, Drunk Swan

2013-01-07T23:38:00.000-05:00

I used to take dance classes as a kid and this was totally me:

I used to take dance classes a few years ago. Still me.

Facebook, You Never Disappoint

2013-01-04T00:00:00.000-05:00

I love passive aggressive Facebook posts. Statuses like "this is to see who actually reads my posts and who just trolls" and "this little girl was brutally raped and then she died of cancer. Share if you hate rape and cancer. I bet no one on my friends list will re-post this" fill me, from the top of my head to the tips of my toes, with glee.

Imagine my giddy excitement, then, when I stumbled upon the king of all "shares":

This post is made infinitely better knowing that

379,508 people clicked "like" without a trace of irony

It's absolutely perfect. I literally cannot look at this picture without laughing. Facebook, you never fail to delight me.

6 Gross and Surprising Things About Giving Birth

2013-01-02T22:54:00.002-05:00

Lorelai is 6 months old today, which means that I have put off sharing our birth story for half a year. My powers of procrastination know no bounds.

Lorelai, 6 months old

I plan to post a video about my labour experience, but I need Chase to sit down with me to film it; I was so delirious with pain and blood loss, I'm a little fuzzy on the details. Long story short: I was planning a hospital birth (I would have planned a home birth, but I had a C-section and I hemorrhaged last time, so I wanted to increase my odds of, you know, living), but the Powers that Be had other plans. I ended up delivering in my bedroom, partly because I refused to believe I was in labour, partly because my midwife didn't think I would deliver so quickly, and mostly because Lorelai hated the whole experience as much as I did and said "Eff this Ess! I'm out of here!". Then, I lost a ton of blood and had to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance.

It might take me another 6 months to actually sit down in front of a camera, so in the meantime, I thought I'd share with you 6 gross and surprising things about giving birth.

1. Fake labour feels exactly like real labour.

That thing you heard about labour feeling like period cramps? True. But I've never had period cramps that 1) made me sit up taller, and 2) made me pace around the house in a vain attempt to distance myself from, and even outrun, the pain.

Also, you might think your water broke just because you soaked through your pants. Unless you're sitting in a puddle big enough to bathe in, your water probably didn't break.

2. If you have not peed in a few hours, your midwife will make you get up to use the bathroom, even though the very thought of moving makes you wish for death.

Apparently, giving birth with a full bladder is dangerous. If you are unable to pee, they will catheter you. I thought the catheter was an idle threat. It was not.

3. Giving birth feels like taking the biggest, most horrifying shit of your life. Times a million.

I was under the impression that pushing would be a relief from the pain - if not a full out relief, at least a place to redirect the pain. Total lie. Pushing is terrifying. I screamed like I was in a horror film; I was told to keep it down lest my neighbours think I was being murdered and call the police.

4. Once you give birth, the painful part isn't necessarily over.

My first words after I gave birth were "It's over! I can't believe it's over!" I should have known that was too good to be true. After you give birth, you deliver the placenta, after which, a team of women poke, prod and knead your sore stomach to make sure your uterus is contracting. And then, if you're super lucky, you get your vagina sewn back up. And then, if you're still unable to pee because, say, you start to faint on the toilet, they will give you a second catheter.

See that shopping bag and gloved hand in the top right corner?
Definitely a midwife poking around in my placenta.
Also, I'm pretty sure I was getting stitches when this photo was taken.

5. You might be asked to play with your nipples if your uterus fails to contract.

...Yeeeeah. It's just as weird and awkard as it sounds.

6. Fainting after you give birth is fucking awesome.

Seriously, it's better than getting high. For one, while the midwives are calling the ambulance and, in my case, preparing your catheter, no one messes with you and you get to relax. I laid on my side rather than my back for the first time in hours and it was such a relief, I almost cried (maybe I did cry?). My bed has never been so comfortable. For another, and maybe this is the blood loss talking, fainting makes you euphoric. I knew I could potentially die, but I didn't give a shit about anything. I may or may not have said "Come on in! Witness me in all my glory!!" to the EMTs who came to whisk me away in the ambulance. I was completely naked, and there was a bag of my own pee beside me at the time. I did not.give.a.shit. It was amazing.

Bonus Surprising Thing About Giving Birth, At Home, With Complications

Even though it sucked all kinds of ass, I would do it again. My midwives were fabulous, and they were a stark contrast to the hospital treatment I got afterward (speaking of which, the doctors didn't do anything for me that the midwives weren't already doing. Except, I guess, they offered me a transfusion on my second day - which I refused so I could go home earlier). All in all, it was a pretty amazing experience.

Selfish Acts of Altruism

2013-01-01T12:15:00.000-05:00

My favourite holiday is upon us! Yahooooo!! How ya doin', 2013?!

Notable Moments of 2012
1. I moved out of my shitty, Gypsy-infested basement apartment and into a house that I actually like.
2. I gave birth on my bedroom floor and subsequently took my very first ambulance ride. Both experiences were pretty cool*.
3. I paid off my student loan and one of my credit cards.

*Birth story coming soon. Probably.

I spent the better part of November and all of December thinking about the nature of my unhappiness and how big of an asshole I am for being unhappy in the first place. I am a healthy, privileged white chick with two beautiful, happy children, a great partner, and family and friends who love us. I have a nice, warm place to live, plenty of food to eat, and enough money to make ends meet. Chase and I both have stable jobs, with benefits, that we enjoy. I have access to free healthcare, a year of maternity leave, and the means to be or do anything I want just because I was fortunate enough to be born in Canada. My life is awesome.

My problem isn't that I have legitimate things to be depressed about; it's that I am not doing anything. I spend too much time thinking about myself and devising indulgent self-betterment projects (the same ones, over and over again) that contribute absolutely nothing to my character or the world at large.

In late November, I decided that I was going to donate 1% of my income to charity every month. I realize 1% isn't a lot, but at the moment, it's what I can afford and it's more than I had been donating previously (which is next to 0%). What I really want to do is sponsor a kid through Plan Canada, but for various reasons, that's going to have to wait until my maternity leave is over. For now, I'll just be donating to random charities until my financial future is a little more predictable.

So that's kind of my New Years Resolution - to continue donating 1% of my income, and to focus less on myself and more on others (family, friends and strangers alike). I'm still kind of an asshole for trying to be more altruistic to make MYSELF feel better, but at least I didn't vow to take a picture of myself every day in 2013?

December Favourites

2012-12-31T13:33:00.001-05:00

I don't know if our little family has been healthy for more than 3 days at a time for the entire month of December. We kicked off the Christmas season with the flu, followed by sore throats that lasted more than 2 weeks, and now we're making our way through a cough thing. For that reason, my number one favourite thing is BEING HEALTHY. Oh my goodness! I miss being well.

Other than that, here are a few other things I loved in December:

Ginger Lemon Tea with Honey and McDonald's Caramel Sundaes - I basically lived on lemon tea and sundaes when my sore throat was at its peak because it's all I could swallow. I think I actually cried with joy when Chase came home one night holding honey in one hand and ice cream in the other; I couldn't get enough after that. I highly recommend this diet to sick people everywhere.

If Walls Could Talk - Aside from Haven (oh my god, you guys! I am dying to see the last two episodes of Season 3! Will Lucy go into the barn? Will I finally get to see Duke naked?!), this is probably my favourite show ever. If Walls Could Talk details the history of various rooms (the living room, the bedroom, etc.) from the Middle Ages to current day. Aaaaamazing. I am in love with this kind of history. I don't care who people voted for, who went to war with who, which country invaded another country, but tell me that brass doorknobs were popular because they reflected candle light or that Laura Ingles and her sisters used to play with an inflated pig's bladder and I am a happy girl. I eat this shit up.

6 Harsh Truths that Will Make You a Better Person by David Wong (for Cracked.com) - I joked to a friend that the only thing I hate about this article is the fact that I didn't write it myself. The second page contains all of my favourite points, but the whole thing basically sums up how I've been feeling about life lately. Also, the things Wong says about nice guys* and prayer are bang-on. 6 Harsh Truths is the most inspirational thing I've read in a very long time.

*Thanks for that link, Mom. It's also a December favourite.

Big Fat Quiz of the Year - I look forward to the Big Fat Quiz every year. Nothing makes me happier than a British pub-style game show, particularly one that often features David Mitchell. I can't speak to the Big Fat Quiz of 2012 because it hasn't aired yet, but in my quest to see who the contestants are, I stumbled upon 3 specials Channel 4 did for their 25th anniversary - Big Fat Quiz of the 80's, 90's, and 00's. Love!

David Mitchell, Alan Carr, Richard Ayode and Noel Fielding are all my favourite people of December.

This quote from Mr. Rogers -

When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping."

I saw the quote on someone's Facebook feed in response to the Sandy Hook shooting, and I really liked it. Ol' Fred (and his mom, apparently) was an amazing person.

Guns, God and Mental Illness

2012-12-20T21:29:00.001-05:00

I wasn't going to post about the Sandy Hook tragedy because I don't think I can provide a unique perspective on the issue. BUT, after seeing endless news stories about gun control, and Facebook post after Facebook post suggesting the shooting would have been avoided if "God was allowed in schools", I'm mad enough to share my opinion - if only to be one more voice advocating for some common sense.

My guiding point on the issue is this: no sane person walks into a school and open fires on a bunch of innocent kids - not one sane fucking person. I don't understand why everyone is fighting so much about gun control and God, and talking so little about providing resources to people who are mentally ill.

I'm not saying that gun legislation isn't important or relevant here - when violent, sick people have easy access to weapons, it's obviously not a good thing. I am sure that tighter gun laws can save more than a few lives. HOWEVER, gun control doesn't address the real problem. I'm going to totally pull out the ol' "guns don't kill people; people kill people" quote here, but it's true. Mentally ill people with guns kill people en masse because they are sick. Why aren't we talking about that?

The one person who, in my opinion, best summed up the mental health problem in relation to the Sandy Hook shootings got a lot of bad press for doing so. Liza Long posted a blog entry entitled "I Am Adam Lanza's Mother" where she talked about her mentally ill son and the challenges she faces in getting him the help he needs. Subsequently, she was shit on by The Internet at large for violating her son's privacy, for being a Bad Mom, for being an attention seeker... Basically, people drowned out her message by talking about stuff that doesn't matter (again). I don't care if she's a saint or a villain - the points in her article are all valid and deserve some consideration. More consideration, I think, than the "Rah Rah Guns Good" or "Rah Rah Guns Bad" debate that has been saturating news feeds lately. Talking about the quality of Liza Long's character is just one more thing that detracts from the real issue.

Another thing that detracts from the real issue? The topic of God in schools. Quotes like this have been popping up everywhere:

Are you kidding me?! Your God is so petty that he would allow someone to off 20 first graders and the teachers who tried to protect them, just because some school officials took prayer out of homeroom? Or are you so powerful that God needs Your permission to enter a building? I'm a little confused here. I thought God was supposed to be with you always, like a creepy stalker, just hanging out everywhere you are, waiting for you to notice and love Him. Creepy stalkers don't give up just because you tell them never to contact you again, and neither does God.

Not to mention the fact that God isn't a great role model when it comes to mass murder, anyway. He wiped out the entire population of Earth (spare Noah and his wife, plus a few pets) in a single flood because they weren't leading a life he wanted them to live. You want to teach that to my kids?

It goes without saying, I don't think the solution is more religion in schools (to be honest, aside from the fact that when people refer to "God" in schools, they are referring to the Christian God, thereby discriminating against kids of other faiths, I'm not opposed to teaching kids about religion in school. Just show all world religions, all sides of the debate, and have the kids think critically about them so they can choose their own path). I don't think religion in schools, or the lack thereof, is where the disconnect lies. I think school (and society, really) shoves a lot of "you are special just because you're you" crap down kids throats now, and it comes at the expense of more community-minded values (that deserves a post all on its own). You don't need God to teach good morals - just an appeal to common decency. I think a focus on the greater good, treating others as you'd like to be treated, and making the world a better place would go a lot further than "allowing (a narrow view of) God back into schools".

Furthermore, learning how to be a decent human being should be taught at home. If you want to do that through religion, by all means, please. But don't blame the school system for raising little shits or corrupting a generation of people. That's on you, parents.

Okay, I'm going off on a tangent now. My point is, we need to stop focusing all of our attention on guns and God, and work toward doing something to de-stigmatize mental illness and support those who need help. I am not quite sure how to do that, but opening a dialog about it is a good place to start. As is donating to mental health organizations* and writing to the government about funding for people struggling with mental illness.

I'll step off the ol' soapbox now, and just add that this is clearly a more complicated issue than what I've outlined here. I'm just saying that tighter gun control and religion on their own won't prevent tragedies like this from happening again. Offering more support to the mentally ill isn't a magic cure-all, either, but at least it's a different approach we can add to the solution.

My heart aches for the victims and the families who have been affected by the tragedy at Sandy Hook, including Adam Lanza and his family. I can't begin to imagine how much pain they are in right now, and they will be in my thoughts for a very long time.

*Interested in donating to a mental health organization? There are a ton to choose from. Here are just a few suggestions (disclaimer: I am not an expert on which organizations have the most impact. I'm just a chick with access to a search engine. You will have to do your own due diligence):

Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH) - http://www.camh.ca
Canadian Mental Health Association - http://www.cmha.ca/
Mental Health America - http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/

Get On the Pig and Hold On Tiiiiight

2012-12-15T00:00:00.000-05:00

Now, Jeremy*. As your senior, if I could share just one thing, one sage word of advice, one nugget of wisdom, with you on your birthday, it would be this:

Happy Birthday!!

* Sorry, Non-Jeremys (AKA my 3 other readers). This post isn't really for you, but I'm sure you can appreciate the profoundness that is Baby Monkey Going Backwards on a Pig just the same.

I Should Have Seen It Coming...

2012-12-07T22:07:00.000-05:00

Mouse, in search of nose cheese

Whitney: Make my mouse talk!

Me: I want cheeeeese! I want nose cheeeeeese!

Whitney: I don't have any cheese.

Me: I want your noooooooose cheese!!

Whitney: My nose isn't cheese!

Me: Your boogers are. I want nose cheese!!

Whitney [picking her nose]: Oh. Okay. I'll pick some out for you.

Christmas Memory Making vs. Christmas Reality

2012-12-05T20:24:00.000-05:00

What I imagined decorating the Christmas tree with Whitney would be like:

Whit says "Merry Xmas from Mommy's phone!"
Look how happy she is!

I thought we'd watch a nice Christmas movie (in this case, "Dora Saves Navidad" or something - I don't know; I didn't get to watch it), and build some beautiful memories decorating our tree together.

This is what actually happened:

... Yeah
Lorelai literally puked on and over my shoulder
as I was taking this shot. I could hear the vomit
splashing on the floor behind me.
(You're welcome for that visual)

Pictured above: Whitney watching Dora while I decorated the tree by myself, her uneaten dinner on the table. My tiny living room a total disaster, and the space around the tree so narrow, I constantly tripped and bumped into things.

Not pictured above: Me, home alone with the girls, a screaming infant either in my arms or in the Ergo at all times, fluffing and lighting the tree for the first time ever (I hate decorating Christmas trees, by the way, and in the past, I have managed to squeak by by hanging a few token ornaments and letting someone else do all the work. Looks like Whitney has that job now). Me, Youtubing how to string Christmas lights for 20 minutes, and then telling Whitney to go away every 3 minutes for an hour and a half while I fluffed and lit said tree (climbing over and around the couch to do so - Whitney also climbing over and around the couch to watch). Me, screaming like a banshee when a short on one of the yellow bulbs gave me a shock I could feel long after it happened. Whitney, pulling everything out of boxes, and wandering away with ornaments so she could play with them elsewhere. Me, struggling to remain cheerful, despite the fact that I actually kind of hate Christmas and all of the happy-memory-making pressure it brings with it, and me, doing a happy dance when I put the girls to bed at 10pm (tree only partially decorated), long past their bedtimes, and well past my patience limit.

Also not pictured above: Me, plotting to have Chase decorate the tree with the girls next year.

Meet Eleanor Hoodwink: Elf, Spy

2012-12-02T00:15:00.000-05:00

Ellie, the Elf on the Shelf
Photo by Chase

Ellie has come to live with us for awhile. This is going to be:

a) a really fun Christmas tradition for the girls, or
b) the stuff of nightmares.

More Games I Play with My 2 Year-Old, or Why My Child Will Need Therapy

2012-12-01T00:26:00.000-05:00

Let's Play Dead - where Whitney and I lay on the floor side-by-side until she moves accidentally-on-purpose, at which time, we have the following conversation:

Me: Dead people don't move! Are you a vampire?
Whitney: Noooooooo!
Me: Are you Jesus?! Resurrected from the dead?
Whitney: Nooooooooo, I'm not Jeeeesus!
Me: Are you a zombie?
Whitney: Yeeeessss!

Zombies - this is really a follow-up to the "Let's Play Dead" game, but it stands on its own and not every "Zombies" game starts with "Let's Play Dead". We basically chase each other around the house in a fucked-up game of tag, one of us yelling "brraaaains" (or, in Whitney's case, yelling "I'm going to eat the brains out of you!") and the other screaming in fear.

Bears - like Spooky Bathroom, "Bears" is not so much a game as something Whitney does 90% of the time when she goes to the bathroom. She likes to pretend the bathroom is her cave, I'm the Momma Bear and she's the Big Girl Bear. I am often growling and talking in a deep voice like a moron while I wipe her butt - you're welcome for that mental image. If Chase is home, sometimes we pretend to be afraid of Daddy Bear, who is supposedly coming to get us.

Ice Cream (also called "Customer") - a game where Whit and I take turns as the "baker" and the "customer". Her restaurant serves only ice cream, and she never ever has the flavours I request. She mainly serves strawberry and chocolate ice cream (and if I request, say, strawberry, she tells me she only has chocolate. She never has broccoli ice cream in stock). We mainly just lick pretend cones, which I imagine looks fairly obscene from a distance. Recently, Whitney has started carrying around a small cardboard candy cane box (empty) that she uses to collect money ("tickets"), and serve the ice cream from. Out of all the games we play, this is the one we take on the road with us most often because it's easy (if a little embarrassing) to play on public transit.

"Make It Talk, Momma!" - It started with Horace the Elephant, a stuffed animal that Jeremy's parents bought for Whit, and it has since morphed into a game we play with almost all of her toys. Whitney is constantly on me to make her dolls, stuffed animals, and other inanimate objects talk to her. I have totally embarrassing, distinct voices for them all, and I'll pull them out in public if I have to (preferably in a whisper). My favourite voice was for her Diego action figure because I really felt I was starting to get a hang of the Spanish ("Spaneesh") accent ("Queeek! There is an aneemal in trrroooouble"), and then I watched Go Diego Go and realized he doesn't sound like a Mexican at all. Whoops.

Hide and Seek - The old standby. She recently learned that she has to go to another room to hide, but rarely actually conceals herself once there. It's more like, she runs to the nearest bedroom and giggles while she waits for you to find her jumping on the bed. Still, it's an improvement over what used to be her standing in the middle of the room and me pretending to look for her. Basically, Hide and Seek with Whitney is a lot like Hide and Seek with Louis CK's daughter (and Louis and I feel the same way about it):

November Favourites

2012-11-29T22:48:00.000-05:00

Rob Ford, Mayor of Toronto, booted out of office - This is my favourite thing to happen in November... possibly all year. I'm terrified it's too good to be true. Ford's appealing the decision, and as much as I hate to admit it, I think there's a fair chance he'll be in office for at least the duration of his term (as a result of the appeal, or by vote when he runs again). Right-wingers are right-wingers, whether their candidate makes a fool of himself and our city or not, and they'll vote for Ford again. So depressing. Still, yay! At least he's fired for a little while.

Chai Tea - I am loving chai tea for three reasons this month: 1) I'm extra tired and chai tea is my favourite form of caffeine, 2) It's getting colder outside and chai tea is my go-to comfort drink, and 3) Chase bought us a kettle (I used to heat my water in the microwave, but now, in my new place, I blow a fuse if I try). Chai tea (masala chai) is black tea flavoured with cinnamon, cloves, ginger, pepper, cardamon, and sometimes other spices that make it taste like Christmas (anise, nutmeg, allspice, etc.). Technically, "chai" means "tea" in a million different countries, so saying "chai tea" is kind of redundant, but in Ontario (or at least, where I'm from), you order a "chai tea" to differentiate between other types of tea that don't have the delicious spices I mentioned above, or to differentiate between different types of chai beverages (for example, a tea vs. a latte). ANYWAY, I'm not picky about my chai. It all tastes pretty good. I have been trying to get through my supply at home, so I've been drinking a lot of Twinings by default, plus some Lipton Chai Tea (which is really nice, actually), some Tetley Chai Tea (the regular and the vanilla bean), some President's Choice Chocolate Chai (delicious!), and Tim Horton's Chai Tea. Actually, reading over this list, I've come to realize that 1) I have a lot of tea, and 2) I am kind of a chai tea whore.

Bonne Bell Lip Blush in Calming Vanilla Chai - Looooooove this lip gloss. The colour is nice. It's not sticky. It smells and tastes delicious. What's not to like?

Tampons - Oh my god, you guys! Tampons!! I mean, I'd rather go period-less for the rest of my life, but if I've got to bleed, I am so glad that tampons exist.

Body Shop Body Butter - Once I discovered that Body Shop Body Butter doesn't make me break out into hives like most other scented lotions, I became a woman obsessed. I like that it doesn't seem to aggravate my eczema; I like the way it feels on my skin; I like that I can dip my fingers into the pot rather than fumble with a bottle when my hands are full of lotion. I had to abandon the raspberry scented body butter because Chase hates it and my dad said it burns the back of his throat when I wear it, but I successfully made my way through one of the mini shea scented pots and I'm almost done a mini coconut one without any complaints from the peanut gallery (in fairness, I got the raspberry one as a gift and it's not a scent I would have picked for myself).

Hank Green on My Drunk Kitchen - I am so glad this happened! Maybe it was his proximity to Hannah, Grace and Mamrie, because he didn't do or say anything in particular that made me squee, but Hank was cute in this video. It was the first time I thought "Hmm... maybe Hank is the hotter brother". I mean, I thought it for a second. Sorry, Hank. John is, like, #1 on my Guilt Free Three. Thanks to this video, Hank might be #2.

Munchkin Monday: I Always Have the Best View

2012-11-26T00:00:00.000-05:00

YouTube Favourites

2012-11-23T00:01:00.000-05:00

I started writing a November Favourites draft and realized, like, 90% of it was stuff I've seen on YouTube (surprise!). So, I thought I'd knock a few things off of that entry by sharing the three videos I've been digging most this week:

1. Simon Amstell - Do Nothing

I have been in love with Simon Amstell since his stint on Never Mind the Buzzcocks (another thing you should YouTube), and I was so happy to stumble upon this full length version of Do Nothing, I almost cried. I love watching stand-up routines about other people's shame and social awkwardness because I can relate. Also because it's hilarious.

2. Macklemore & Ryan Lewis - Thrift Shop

My friend posted this to her Facebook last week, and ever since, I've been singing "I wear your granddad's clothes. I look incredible" around my house. Incessantly. I have also been known to hiss "pissssssss" when the R Kelly reference randomly cracks me up.

It should come as no surprise that I think Macklemore is pretty sexy.

3. Anderson Cooper Loses it

This is old news (ha!), but I saw these vids for the first time a few days ago (because another friend posted one to Facebook), and they cracked me up. You cannot watch Anderson Cooper lose his shit without giggling yourself. God bless him.

My Hero

2012-11-21T20:49:00.000-05:00

The most gruelling interview I have ever been through was for a gig as a candy store cashier in one of the worst malls on earth. I was not prepared for an in-depth list of questions, particularly from the 16 year-old kid who interviewed me, so I responded by being brutally honest. It's been 10 years, and I don't remember all of the questions, but I do recall telling the girl that the last book I read was Lolita and that Henry Rollins was my personal hero. A child molester and a punk rock god. Hmmm. I wonder why I didn't get the job?

A decade later, I stand behind my answers. Lolita still has my favourite opening chapter of any book I've ever read ("She was Lo, plain Lo, in the morning..."), and Henry Rollins is still my hero. I was reminded of just how much I love him when I SAW HIM LIVE LAST NIGHT!! I have been waiting YEARS to see one of his spoken word shows, and I was not disappointed in The Long March. Amazing! The man talked for 2 and a half hours without so much as stopping to take a breath or a sip of water.

That's what I love about Henry - he doesn't seem to approach any endeavour with less than 100% of his energy. He attacks life head-on with everything he has. I love his drive and his tenacity and his courage and his thirst for knowledge. The man is a machine.

I was watching some Rollins YouTube videos while putting together this entry, and I stumbled on the perfect quote that sums up what I find so inspiring about Henry:

What do I want to be remembered for? A guy who really tried to hit it right, you know, out of the park, or at least tried to swing as hard as he could, and maybe the miss was as cool as the few times I hit just cause the swing was so damn hard. Not necessarily graceful, but really hard.- Henry Rollins

My Fall Must-Watch List

2012-11-19T23:32:00.000-05:00

I love fall because it makes for good TV-watchin'. Nothing makes me happier than snuggling up on the couch with Chase to watch new episodes of "our shows". The top 5 programs on my must-watch list are:

1. Haven - I never found Eric Balfour attractive in his other roles (I will always think of him as Gabe from Six Feet Under), but I have a hard-on for Duke a mile long. He and Audrey had better do it soon or my head is going to explode. I am waiting for season 3 episode 9 to buffer as I write this entry, and I read that Duke time travels back to 1955 and falls in love with Sarah. I am both excited and totally bummed about this development. If he's the Colorado Kid's father (I bet he is), I will be disappointed.

2. New Girl - I think this is one of the quirkiest, best written sitcoms of all time (second only to The Golden Girls. Oh my god, I love The Golden Girls). I adore the characters, the dialog, ... the bathroom... I would kill to live in their apartment with them.

3. The Mentalist - I love that we found out Jane was in a mental institution before he joined the CBI. I feel like the whole flashback episode was written specifically to reveal that fact. He is a bigger dick than usual this season and I'm excited to see how it pans out. Are the writers gearing up for another psychotic break? I kind of hope so because I'm not overly fond of Jane's shittier-than-usual attitude.

4. Once Upon a Time - Robert Carlyle, who I insist on calling Begbie despite the fact that Trainspotting was released more than 15 years ago, is amazing. I hate this split-between-two-worlds thing they're doing right now, but I'm glad Regina is showing a little compassion because I loathed her so much last season, I was ready to set fire to my television set when she came onscreen.

5. Glee - I've already written about Glee twice so the only thing I'll say about this season is "More Britney, please!"

What are your favourite shows this season?