More Handy Than Capped

Give it until the 13 second mark...

2009-01-22T17:51:00.000-05:00

Happy New Years! From, ahem, salty mouthed Kathy Griffin...

2009-01-01T17:02:00.001-05:00

Awkward for White People

2008-12-30T14:11:00.005-05:00

You know when you say something and inadvertently, entirely unintentionally, sound completely prejudiced? It results in that horribly awkward feeling where you then must say things like "you know, I have lots of gay friends, so I mean...um...I said that in a joking way. You know, I was mocking the fact that there are people out there who are racist. You know, not me, but other people. Right? See?"

Here follows two painful minutes of that awkward feeling. How did this GOP representative actually think she could make a viable case up there?

Funny? Not really. But a good effort.

2008-12-24T07:40:00.001-05:00

Oh, this will end well

2008-12-22T21:05:00.000-05:00

Remember when you read that comedian Sinbad had died? Or when John Seigenthaler, former editor of the Tennessean, was actively involved in the assassinations of both JFK and RFK?

Sadly both turned out to be untrue. Sure, Sinbad probably deserved some threats for making “First Kid,” but that’s neither here nor there.

Well, the RCMP is turning to the same software that has entertained- and proved a valuable, albeit dubious, research tool for- college students for years – Wikis. The RCMP's B.C. division is investigating whether it can use a "wiki" to keep better track of the province's most dangerous gangs.

The RCMP have an excellent track record, I see no way this could go wrong. Just ask Giuliano Zaccardelli or Robert Dziekanski.

The "New" Face of the Senate

2008-12-22T19:48:00.007-05:00

Whoever said Pork-Barrel Spending isn't Hilarious?

Honestly, I've always respected Duffy as a journalist, but the likeness is uncanny and the wasted expense justifies the joke.

Watch Out: Canadian Political Humour Ahead

2008-12-21T21:11:00.003-05:00

Dear Santa,

As a pluralism-endorsing, once-Harvard-professing, coalition-shunning, West Coast-olive-branch-offering, Toronto-centric, articulate, well-behaved, Senate-engineering, half-embarrassed-half-excited, baby-kissing, card-carrying, environment-loving (on paper), federal Liberal, I ask that you provide only the bare essentials this Christmas season. So I, Michael Ignatieff, ask for:

1) Harper’s sweater source (it had to be the sweaters, right?)

2) Last year back

3) Belinda Stronach, a life-like Peter MacKay mask and a greasy, symbolic bedroom floor to cross

3) Gerard Kennedy to find that damned time machine, go straight to 2006, and not fuck it up

4) Mike Harris to get a Senate seat (“Hey look, Ontario, it’s Mike Harris - Mike Harris with a Senate seat! Look! He’s really bad, remember him? Oh, wait, don’t bring up Bob Rae. Stop it. No comparison. Stop.”)

5) More recession + Jim Flaherty economic outlooks

6) Christie Blatchford to come out of the closet, find a supportive wife and stop slandering our defence policy simply because she’s “actually been” to Afghanistan

7) Julie Couillard to start dating Lawrence Cannon. Besides, Hedy Fry simply isn’t bringing the cleave

8) John Tory’s home phone number, just to call up and say “at least our former leader can get elected”

9) Barack Obama to say the following sentences in this exact order: “Michael Ignatieff is cool. He is even cooler than BlackBerrys, the internet and all celebrities combined. Young people should thus endorse Michael Ignatieff, because of said coolness.” Note: he must then smile

10) A single-use “I’m not a racist, I’m an academic” card, for use on my Ukrainian detractors

11) A picture of Danny Williams smoking a fatty with Hugo Chavez with their legs dangling over the edge of an expatriated dam

12) A one-way ticket out of this fucked up country

Bomb Bomb Bomb...Bomb Bomb Iran

2008-12-21T17:09:00.007-05:00

Well, those lovable theocrats are back at it again! Indeed, Khomeini, Ahmadinejad and their forever equitable, Sharia-based judicial system are centre of the international stage. What pressing legal question are they addressing this time?

An 80-year-old Iranian spinster named Setareh recently requested a marriage license to wed her childhood boyfriend, Jamshid. Facing the sad prospect of dying alone in a nursing home, Setareh's dreams were answered when the elderly suitor came unexpectedly knocking. "Seeing Jamshid made my heart start beating faster and suddenly the passion of youth returned," she said.

Unfortunately, Iranian law requires that a bride-to-be's father approve the marriage certificate prior to wedlock. As Setareh's father abandoned her at the age of two, authorities must determine if and when Setareh's father died; also, they will see if he was in the military at any time upon leaving his family.

Given the lofty ages involved in the case, Iranian lawmakers are speculating on whether the father is, in fact, U.S. Senator John McCain. The presiding judge in the case, Mahmoud Baghal Shirvan - presumably referring to McCain's running mate, Sarah Palin - said "well he seems to want to bang devoutly religious chicks, even to this day." McCain's spokespeople have so far declined to comment on his having unprotected sex in Iran in 1928.

Thus, a ceremony that should be completed as easily as opening a grilled cheese sandwich here in Canada, is taking far more time in Iran. It simply illustrates that mixing religion, one-party democracy and a dysfunctional family can lead to a tight situation.

Could this explain why journalism is dead?

2008-12-21T12:39:00.003-05:00

Sure, this video is a cheap laugh - but hell, we're in a recession! Watch as this seemingly professional journalist turns "ghetto".

Those oh so sensitive Brits...

2008-12-21T11:38:00.000-05:00

“Young, handsome and even tanned”

2008-11-07T10:13:00.000-05:00

Those crazy Italian leaders, what will they say next?

The Onion does it again...

2008-11-05T19:15:00.003-05:00

If you're not regularly reading The Onion, shame on you. What's wrong with you? Once again, those crazy characters nailed it.

Black Man Given Nation's Worst Job
WASHINGTON—African-American man Barack Obama, 47, was given the least-desirable job in the entire country Tuesday when he was elected president of the United States of America. In his new high-stress, low-reward position, Obama will be charged with such tasks as completely overhauling the nation's broken-down economy, repairing the crumbling infrastructure, and generally having to please more than 300 million Americans and cater to their every whim on a daily basis. As part of his duties, the black man will have to spend four to eight years cleaning up the messes other people left behind. The job comes with such intense scrutiny and so certain a guarantee of failure that only one other person even bothered applying for it. Said scholar and activist Mark L. Denton, "It just goes to show you that, in this country, a black man still can't catch a break."

Minnesota: the new Florida?

2008-11-05T09:59:00.001-05:00

Snickers? Check. Skittles? Check. Methanphetamines and $85? Check. Wait. What?

The End of a Long-Strange Journey...

2008-11-04T13:18:00.001-05:00

Two of my favorite things…

2008-10-30T16:35:00.001-04:00

Like tight black t-shirts? Like to vote?
Thank Simon Cowell.

The New Republic has a fun read about the “Idol Electorate.” Some highlights:

There are important differences between "American Idol" and our constitutional American system. "Idol" is a direct democracy, for one.

OK, I won't make such extravagant claims on behalf of the 35 percent of "Idol" viewers who once told pollsters that they considered their votes to be as or more significant than their votes for president.

So what season of "Idol" will this election resemble? Will Barack Obama trounce is opponent John McCain like Fantasia? Or will it be an unlikely nail biter like the Ruben Studdard-Clay Aiken showdown? If it's a close election, there is one insight that our electoral system should borrow from "Idol." However thin the margin, the outcome should never, ever rest in the hand of judges.

Kudos. Give it a read.

This week in Minnesota politics…

2008-10-29T11:49:00.000-04:00

Wow. And some people say all of Hollywood’s stars are democrats…There are at least 5 D-List celebs who are anti-Democrat. There’s a guy who was in an episode of the A-Team, a Baldwin brother, Cliff from Cheers, the great Victoria Jackson who was in Santa vs. Snowman 3D, and Pat Boone who is flat out awesome.

Another reason to make you feel washed up...

2008-10-28T23:14:00.002-04:00

Those kids are going places. And they have a good message, it's true, you can vote for whoever you like. But you know who can't? Those kids. Cause they're 13 and "aren't allowed to" by "law." You know who else can't? Florida. Yup.

Mailing it in...

2008-10-25T12:13:00.001-04:00

Oh, this will end well...

2008-10-23T11:09:00.002-04:00

In an interview to People Magazine(via WaPo), VP Candidate Sarah Palin said if she and husband/badass snow sport enthusiast Todd had had a sixth child, they had already picked a name for a boy, joining siblings Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper and Trig (seen above).

"I always wanted a son named Zamboni."

Oh dear.

This week in Hip-Hoppitty Urban news…

2008-10-21T20:13:00.001-04:00

First there was there was will.i.am, then Will Smith, then Snoop and Talib Kweli. Most recently Colin Powell-seen above at last week’s Africa Rising in London- has come out in support of Mr. Obama. Now Obama has locked up an endorsement that may be bigger than any of those previous endorsements – Marshall Mathers!

The former Slim Shady, who introduced a generation of suburban youth to his hip hop stylings a decade ago, has publicly thrown his support behind Obama. Eminem told BBC Radio 1, “I’ll vote for Barack. I know we are going into a recession. Pardon the cliché but we need something to change. I think Barack would be a breath of fresh air, to get in there and actually get what's left of the Bush administration out the door."

Oh how quickly they grow up.
Will Smith don't gotta cuss in his raps to sell his records;
Well I do, so f*ck him and f*ck you too!

Who needs the “Poll of Polls”…

2008-10-20T21:49:00.001-04:00

With the November election just around the corner, Amazon.com has come out with a definitive and scientific way of deciding the whole shebang. By sales of Presidential candidate Halloween masks! And surprise surprise, it looks like that Obama feller has a solid lead! No word yet if the Bradley effect will come into play. Or if sales could be skewed by white kids in blackface.

GTFO...

2008-10-20T19:08:00.001-04:00

Maybe if there was less talk of a green shift, he wouldn't be using his scarf as a noose...

Yea, that's alright....

2008-10-19T10:01:00.000-04:00

I don't really get it but...

2008-10-15T21:30:00.003-04:00

People much more informed about technology than I have put together these candidate comparions. I think there's humor in there somewhere...maybe?

h/t Wired

A moral compass to guide us…

2008-10-15T21:21:00.000-04:00

On my way home from Mark Foley’s pajama party the other day, I stumbled across a nifty little story about Foley’s successor, Tim Mahoney who campaigned on family values and morals.

Tim Mahoney may not be “a common sense businessman who believes in faith, family and personal responsibility.”

Turns out, Tim Mahoney may have had a little affair with a former aide, Patricia Allen- who is about to sue.

I love a good “holier than thou” approach to life; especially when its exposed as a fraud. Things are about to get juicy…where’s my blankie…