More Handy Than Capped

Awkward for White People

2008-12-30T14:11:00.005-05:00

You know when you say something and inadvertently, entirely unintentionally, sound completely prejudiced? It results in that horribly awkward feeling where you then must say things like "you know, I have lots of gay friends, so I mean...um...I said that in a joking way. You know, I was mocking the fact that there are people out there who are racist. You know, not me, but other people. Right? See?"

Here follows two painful minutes of that awkward feeling. How did this GOP representative actually think she could make a viable case up there?

The "New" Face of the Senate

2008-12-22T19:48:00.007-05:00

Whoever said Pork-Barrel Spending isn't Hilarious?

Honestly, I've always respected Duffy as a journalist, but the likeness is uncanny and the wasted expense justifies the joke.

Watch Out: Canadian Political Humour Ahead

2008-12-21T21:11:00.003-05:00

Dear Santa,

As a pluralism-endorsing, once-Harvard-professing, coalition-shunning, West Coast-olive-branch-offering, Toronto-centric, articulate, well-behaved, Senate-engineering, half-embarrassed-half-excited, baby-kissing, card-carrying, environment-loving (on paper), federal Liberal, I ask that you provide only the bare essentials this Christmas season. So I, Michael Ignatieff, ask for:

1) Harper’s sweater source (it had to be the sweaters, right?)

2) Last year back

3) Belinda Stronach, a life-like Peter MacKay mask and a greasy, symbolic bedroom floor to cross

3) Gerard Kennedy to find that damned time machine, go straight to 2006, and not fuck it up

4) Mike Harris to get a Senate seat (“Hey look, Ontario, it’s Mike Harris - Mike Harris with a Senate seat! Look! He’s really bad, remember him? Oh, wait, don’t bring up Bob Rae. Stop it. No comparison. Stop.”)

5) More recession + Jim Flaherty economic outlooks

6) Christie Blatchford to come out of the closet, find a supportive wife and stop slandering our defence policy simply because she’s “actually been” to Afghanistan

7) Julie Couillard to start dating Lawrence Cannon. Besides, Hedy Fry simply isn’t bringing the cleave

8) John Tory’s home phone number, just to call up and say “at least our former leader can get elected”

9) Barack Obama to say the following sentences in this exact order: “Michael Ignatieff is cool. He is even cooler than BlackBerrys, the internet and all celebrities combined. Young people should thus endorse Michael Ignatieff, because of said coolness.” Note: he must then smile

10) A single-use “I’m not a racist, I’m an academic” card, for use on my Ukrainian detractors

11) A picture of Danny Williams smoking a fatty with Hugo Chavez with their legs dangling over the edge of an expatriated dam

12) A one-way ticket out of this fucked up country

Bomb Bomb Bomb...Bomb Bomb Iran

2008-12-21T17:09:00.007-05:00

Well, those lovable theocrats are back at it again! Indeed, Khomeini, Ahmadinejad and their forever equitable, Sharia-based judicial system are centre of the international stage. What pressing legal question are they addressing this time?

An 80-year-old Iranian spinster named Setareh recently requested a marriage license to wed her childhood boyfriend, Jamshid. Facing the sad prospect of dying alone in a nursing home, Setareh's dreams were answered when the elderly suitor came unexpectedly knocking. "Seeing Jamshid made my heart start beating faster and suddenly the passion of youth returned," she said.

Unfortunately, Iranian law requires that a bride-to-be's father approve the marriage certificate prior to wedlock. As Setareh's father abandoned her at the age of two, authorities must determine if and when Setareh's father died; also, they will see if he was in the military at any time upon leaving his family.

Given the lofty ages involved in the case, Iranian lawmakers are speculating on whether the father is, in fact, U.S. Senator John McCain. The presiding judge in the case, Mahmoud Baghal Shirvan - presumably referring to McCain's running mate, Sarah Palin - said "well he seems to want to bang devoutly religious chicks, even to this day." McCain's spokespeople have so far declined to comment on his having unprotected sex in Iran in 1928.

Thus, a ceremony that should be completed as easily as opening a grilled cheese sandwich here in Canada, is taking far more time in Iran. It simply illustrates that mixing religion, one-party democracy and a dysfunctional family can lead to a tight situation.

Could this explain why journalism is dead?

2008-12-21T12:39:00.003-05:00

Sure, this video is a cheap laugh - but hell, we're in a recession! Watch as this seemingly professional journalist turns "ghetto".

Tit for Tat, Nukes for Uigurs?

2008-10-08T20:56:00.007-04:00

One may recall that, mere days ago, China severed some diplomatic ties with the U.S. over a multi-billion dollar arms deal inked with their arch rival: Taiwan. Then yesterday, surprise surprise, a U.S. judge ordered the release of 17 Chinese Muslim (I know - who knew?) separatists from Guantanamo Bay. The men have been detained there without formal charges since 2001, when they were captured in Afghanistan. While the Bush regime overturned the court ruling today, the timing of these two matters seems a little close for mere coincidence. Influencing of the judiciary, perhaps?

The moral of the story? Always keep an illegal prison camp in your back pocket in case you need to start some hardcore secessionist shit in Xinjiang province.

I'd watch out.

Doppleganger Alert: Jack Layton, a.k.a. Video Professor

2008-10-05T19:03:00.004-04:00

Left: Jack Layton, NDP Party Leader Right: John W. Scherer, founder of Video Professor

The reason he never called...

2008-07-11T22:05:00.002-04:00

Reality TV in a Nutshell

2008-07-10T00:03:00.002-04:00

Note: This video summarizes reality television. Despite any reality show concept, everyone is there for the same reason (other then fame-whoring and pole-smoking) ...to "not make friends"

A brief history of Canada

2008-07-01T23:07:00.002-04:00

Watch McCain Vogue

2008-06-27T10:06:00.002-04:00

Last week, Stephen Colbert launched yet another green screen challenge. This time, the ultimate goal is to "make McCain exiting" using footage from his horrible green screen speech.

This week's best entry: Vogue

Another sex tape that makes me never want to have sex!

2008-06-27T09:31:00.003-04:00

Someone slept with Verne Troyer (a.k.a. Mini-me). Its true, he filmed the act as proof.

The latest "celebrity" sex tape exploded onto the net after snippets of the video appeared on TMZ.com. TMZ claims to have receive the footage from sex tape dealer Kevin Blatt, who brokered the deal for Paris Hilton's "One Night In Paris" tape. Blatt is said to be in negotiation to distribute the film for a large sum of money.

Let the mini-me jokes begin...

UPDATE: This morning, Troyer launched a $20 million lawsuit against TMZ.com for invasion of privacy and breach of copyright.

Once you pop...

2008-06-02T22:37:00.005-04:00

Dr Fredric J. Baur, the inventor of the Pringles chip can, died today at the age of 89.

Prior to his death, Baur informed his family that he wanted to be buried in one of his inventions. Since his other invention was a package of freeze-dried ice cream, his final resting place is a Pringles can in the Arlington Memorial Garden in Cincinnati, Ohio. The flavour is unknown.

If they lovingly packaged him up in a chip container, I can only imagine what he would have ended up in had his wife found out he had another family on the side.

Dr Bauer was a chemist and food storage technician at Proctor & Gamble and created his "proudest invention" in 1970.

Too Soon?

2008-06-02T19:34:00.006-04:00

With the death of a designer comes the end to a democratic nominee's primary bid...a strange omen, or mere coincidence? Your thoughts?

So, rest in peace to a fabulous artist, a beautiful mind and the personification of women's liberation. But alas, metaphorically speaking, it's time to move on....and drop the pant suit.

Rachel Ray the Jihadist

2008-05-28T20:22:00.007-04:00

Dunkin' Donuts, obviously in the name of free speech and constitutionally-entrenched liberalism, has pulled an ad featuring celebrity chef Rachel Ray (pictured above). Apparently, her scarf looked too much like a kaffiyeh, the traditional Palestinian liberation symbol mass-popularized by the late Yassar Arafat. Such scarves are currently en vogue, their historical or political significance usually lost on the wearer.

Reasonably enough, by this logic, every hipster on the streets of London and New York are now also terrorists. According to authorities, the most dangerous of these crusaders is this man. He is allegedly working on behalf of a covert "outfit" based in Iran's most evil layer:

The future looks bleak, and ikea-ish

2008-05-26T23:04:00.004-04:00

San-Zhr Pod Village is an abandoned hotel/housing pod development located in the north coast of Taiwan. Photographer Craig Ferguson ventured into the remote area earlier this year.

"Accounts vary on the origins of this complex, and indeed, as to whether it was meant to be a hotel development or a housing development. Apparently, it was constructed in the 1960s and included/was to include a dam to protect it against sea surges, floors and stairs made of marble and a small amusement park. The site was commissioned by the government and local firms and there is no named architect. Local papers at the time reported that there were numerous accidents during construction which caused the death of some workers. As news of these accidents spread, no one wanted to go there, even to visit, and the project was subsequently abandoned.The ghosts of those who died in vain are said to still linger there, unremembered and unable to pass on. The complex was left in its unfinished state because no amount of redevelopment will bring people to the area due to superstitions about ghosts, and it can’t be demolished because destroying the homes of spirits and lost souls is taboo in Asian culture."

Check out the photo gallery.

Celebrate National Tap-Dancing Day!!!

2008-05-25T15:48:00.007-04:00

Today, a St. Paul, Minnesota baseball team's notoriously witty marketing department has unveiled one of the most poignant campaigns in recent memory. The first 2,500 fans will receive their very own 'bobble foot doll,' pictured below. In honour of national tap dancing day, the doll features a mini-bathroom stall, complete with bobbling feet able to tap a tune. The response thus far has been positive, with phones ringing off the hook in anticipation of the giveaway (and to a lesser extent, the minor league baseball game it is promoting).

For those not familiar with the not-so-subtle joke here, the stall is in reference to Idaho Republican Senator Larry Craig, who was arrested at the Minneapolis airport months ago. He was allegedly attempting to solicit homosexual acts with an undercover federal agent by "foot-tapping, bumping feet and swiping his hand under the bathroom stall."

This just goes to show that old, right-wing, white men sheepishly asking for a man love in a public setting is not only hilarious, but is suitable comedic material for children, families and obese people.

Unfortunately, the Saints lost the game, 6-2

Envy...

2008-05-19T18:51:00.001-04:00

If only Bill would have got to her first...

Praise Xenu: Aliens are A-OK!

2008-05-15T20:38:00.002-04:00

The Vatican's Chief Astronomer announced Tuesday that a belief in extra-terrestrial life does not conflict with a belief in God. Neither does a belief in Santa Claus, unicorns or a black Michael Jackson. The church made the call in hopes of distracting one kind of anal probing for another.

An unfortunate mistake

2008-05-15T20:31:00.002-04:00

WNBC news anchor Sue Simmons recently dropped the F-bomb while filming a live-to-air promo. This clip speaks volumes.

And a Side Notes...

2008-05-15T00:09:00.001-04:00

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/politics/2008/05/14/moos.googler.in.chief.cnn

Republican Power

2008-05-12T11:00:00.002-04:00

From Gawker and the Huffington Post, here we see O'Reilly's softer side.

Gay + Rap = Gap

2008-05-11T18:42:00.007-04:00

In explosive new memoirs to be released this week, Terrance Dean will shed light on the gay subculture allegedly thriving in hip hop's notoriously macho community. Dean, a former MTV executive and openly gay man, hopes that coming forth with his own experiences will encourage other gay industry insiders to come out of the closet. He said the pervasiveness of homophobia in rap lyrics is not only wrong, but it defies the party roots of the music.

So, given the release of his book it is predicted that the homophobic veneer of the rap game may soon be tarnished. While not mentioning actual names, Dean alludes to mainstream rap artists who, despite appearing hard in public, are actually equally hard in private (what a pun). The industry is in an uproar prior to its release...who on earth will come out next?

So here's some fun for you...who in the rap industry do you think is gay? Your choices:

Eminem (Public Relations stunts aren't always successful)

Lil Wayne (what the fuck?)

P Diddy (or whatever his current name is)

Kanye West (remember the uproar over the desperate housewives neighbours)

Let us know your thoughts. But really, after looking at these pictures are you actually surprised? Honestly.

Someone finally bought the cow

2008-05-09T22:46:00.004-04:00

First daughter and former wild child, Jenna Bush, is getting married tomorrow at the Bush's ranch in Crawford, Texas. Jenna will become Mrs. Henry Hager - the wife of an MBA student and former Commerce Department staff member. Oscar de la Renta designed and donated the wedding dress that will inevitably be covered in booze and vomit by nights end.

Jenna's twin sister will be her maid of honor while her bridesmaids will consist of 14 of her closest friends, most likely southern sisters from her days as a slutty, boozy longhorn. On a related note, Time magazine named the presidential wedding as one of the easiest places to get laid in the world.

Avert Your Eyes!

2008-05-09T15:09:00.005-04:00

Want to meet Stone Phillips and be put on a covert FBI watch list? Click HERE