Most elusive pumpkin

How to rape a cabbage

noreply@blogger.com (Szafirowy) — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 19:52:00 +0000

You can just go for it, though having asked the Internets it seems that pies and watermelons are more popular. I would go for a cultural rape then and set the cabbage in circumstances which it will feel at least violated. It’s also continuation of the south Indian cuisine series – Thoram. We’ll need:

firmly European cabbage (250g) - chop
coconut (1 cup of freshly shredded-ha-ha or 0,75 cup of dried one from local store, pre-soaked in water for 10 minutes**)
1 chili pepper – chop
1 medium onion – juggle and chop
0,5 teaspoon of ground turmeric – do not chop
0,5 teaspoon of cumin – do not chop, though i would suggest putting it through a mortar. The civilian one.
salt

Sprinkle chopped cabbage with water (0,25 cup) and sauté under cover for five to eight minutes, making it softish. Add other ingredients. Mix. Saute for few more minutes. Other versions:

potatoes, carrot, beetroot – add more water, approx 0,5 cup and sauté until it absorbs all the water
okra, aubergine, courgette – do not add water, sauté covered for 2-3 minutes and then uncovered for 4-7 more

* getting a fresh coconut for grating it is pretentious. The other thing is that having seen in India what do you need and how much work it takes I have firmly decided that I will never, ever do this myself. On the other hand I have a vision of Nigella Lawson which assuming weird position around a device which would shame and offspring of an anvil and scythe grinds a coconut. In a bathro... anyway, I’m getting carried away.. ** strain, don’t press. Retaining the moisture is crucial.

Curry fish

noreply@blogger.com (Szafirowy) — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 19:29:00 +0000

In usual circumstances I throw in cheesy jokes about curry and “kury” being Polish word for chickens. Unfortunately English doesn't work this way so I’ll just get on with the recipe. In any case below is rather non-vegetarian.

500g fish or prawns
fresh ginger, piece roughly similar in size to a well groomed man’s thumb
3-4 shallots
6-7 garlic cloves
curry leaves, 10-12 pc.
1 teaspoon of black mustard seeds

Chop the ginger, crush and chop garlic cloves and shallots. Heat up some oil on a frying pan (Approx. 4 spoons). Throw in curry leaves and a teaspoon of black mustard seeds. Once they start popping add garlic, shallots and ginger. Fry. Masala:

0,5 teaspoon of turmeric
0,5 teaspoon of ground fenugreek
4 teaspoons of chili powder * (alteratively mix 2 teaspoons of chilli with 2 teaspoons of ground red peppers)

Add some water to these spices and mix until they become paste-like. Add to the frying pan, they should change colour a bit. Dissolve approximately 4-5 teaspoons of pressed tamarind in hot water and set aside for 10 minutes. It’s rather sensible to do that in advance. Add to the frying pan along with 1 teaspoon of salt. If we’re working with fish – add 1 cup of water. If prawns are our main guests – 0,5 cup or water. Add fish/prawns. Stir gently. Simmer undercover, err.. under cover for 20-25 minutes. If it’s fish – do not stir as it might fall apart. You can shake the pan a bit to move it around. *apparently the best one comes from Kashmir.

Indian cuisine. Stapler.

noreply@blogger.com (Szafirowy) — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 19:19:00 +0000

Each country has it’s own customs. Our staple food tends to be wheat and – to an extent – potatoes. Most of Europe follows similar suit. Asia tends to go about on rice, Americas seemed to be based on corn, whereas Africa works with cassava. Indie tends to be special, as the basis is formed arount lentil and its extended family.

And hey, they do things to lentil that surely make it whine and groan in some quiet corner of digestive system, in its own vegetable way. Henceforth, a recipe for daal, the most basic of dishes.

Ingredients:

a cup of red lentil
2,5 cups of water
0,5 teaspoon of turmeric
1,0 spoon of vegetable oil
1 medium onion (chopped)
2 tomatoes (chopped)

Simmer all on low heat for 20-25 minutes, uncovered. In the meantime...

Masala – put on a frying pan:

3 teaspoons of oil
1 teaspoon of black mustard seed
6-7 garlic cloves (crushed and chopped)
4-5 shallots (crushed and chopped)

Fry quickly though not too long. Once ready mix in a separate bowl 1-1,5 teaspoon of turmeric powder and 0,5-1 teaspoon of chilli powder with water. Add to the frying pan. Put on high and fry intensely until the spice changes colour. Turn the heat off.

Add masala to boiling lentil, salt and boil for 5 minutes. Ready. You can add some wet-cat or coriander leaves though it’s optional. Most of my Indian friends loved this one. For typical south-indian meal you’ll need thoram and curry, though that will be covered later.

Indian cuisine. Preface

noreply@blogger.com (Szafirowy) — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 15:30:00 +0000

I will shortly get on with few recipes from India. Given few people from over-there that tried my daal compared it on par to mommy’s made stuff I thing I got the recipes right. Few cooking classes helped as well. Before we get on with general cooking we need to get one thing right - Garam Masala.

Eaach region has it’s own version. Each family quite likely too. The one below has an advantage of not containing cumin and being simple otherwise. You can quite easily add other stuff to make it north Indian (i.e. add cumin) or modify in any other way. Learning the whole lot in the south I’ve been told this version is superior and whatever comes from the north is evil. I haven’t yet checked what the north thinks on the subject.

So, down to business

one cup of broken cinnamon sticks
0,5 cup of cloves
0,5 cup of fennel seed
5-8 cardamom pods (greed one; black is the wild variety with milder and weaker taste)
a spoon of black pepper

Grind in coffee grinder. Keep in a tightly closed jar. Apparently it’s stays fresh for 2-3 years but it’s unlikely to remain there that long. IF you want to clean the coffee grinder – grind some rice in it. Might help your coffee to keep it’s taste.

Welcome to hell, or "lick this"

noreply@blogger.com (Szafirowy) — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 15:20:00 +0000

It’s one of the spiciest things I have ever had. Luckliy we managed to convince the restaurant’s chef to share the recipe. Here it goes:
50g toor daal – can be replaced with chana daal*
700g tomatoes
1 teaspoon of black pepper
2 teaspoons of cumin
2 dried chilli peppers
1 garlic clove
1 black mustard seed
8 curry leaves**
0,5 teaspoon of turmeric
1 teaspoon of tamarind paste
coriander
salt
oil

Wash the daal, put in a pot and boil for 20 minutes over medium heat. Strain and put aside.

In the meantime blend the tomatoes. Don’t bother with skinning of the jazz. Put them aside. In Indian cusine lot’s of stuff seems to be put aside. Keep track of where all that is as inevitably it will become useful soon is.

On a small frying pan dry roast cumin, pepper and chilli. Crush in a mortar with the garlic clove. That’s so called masala. Another typical feature of Indian cuisine. You’ll see more of that later.

Heat a spoon of oil in a big pot – that’s where all the soup will be made. Throw in mustard seeds and curry leaves. When the mustard seeds start to pop add blended tomatoes. Be careful, the oil likes to splatter here. Add turmeric and bring to boil. Again – it might keep splattering. Add 850ml of water, pre-boiled daal, aforementioned masala and tamarind paste

Simmer over low/medium heat for about 20 minutes. Pour through a strainer and salt to taste. Garnish with coriander***. Do not consult with your GP as he have some strong views on chemical burns. On the other hand it’s a popular remedy for colds in India. I bet it cleans silverware too.

* an interesting guide to daals: http://www.foodsubs.com/Lentils.html
** if we were speaking polish i would put here an insiders joke about chicken leaves. Curry and chicken sounds nearly identical. I can’t do that in English but you’re still expected to laugh. Now.
*** yup. I know it tastes like a wet cat but it will not be easilyt distinguishible in this soup. Expecially after the first sip, while it nicely completes the underlying flavouy. Underlying under spice.

Homey cabbage

noreply@blogger.com (Szafirowy) — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 15:05:00 +0000

There are times when I do miss home. Hence the impromptu cabbage soup. I coulnd’t get to a Polish shop, hence had to to ba bit of improvisation. It turned out quite well.

1,5 white cabbage (small, chopped)
300g diced pig
200g smoked bacon
water
soy sauce – four spoons
chilli – a teaspoon
pepper – a lot
cumin - teaspoon
salt – to taste
bay leaf – one
butter – a spoon
balsamic vinegar – four spoons
wine – 100ml

Put everything into a pot and boil until soft. Both the pig and the cabbage have to be soft. Once done fry the flour on some oil and quickly add to the soup. As a final step – add wine. Now run before the ancient spirits of polish chefs find you.

Twisted tomato soup

noreply@blogger.com (Szafirowy) — Sat, 08 Oct 2011 13:54:00 +0000

Finall I managed to get around baking linseed bread*, but on this one another day. Tonight – tomato soup taken alternatively. I hop you like it. If you don’t I suspect it can be used to polish your silverware or as a weed-killer..

Ingredients:

six tomatoes
20 pc. cherry tomatoes
two shallots
three garlic cloves
two bell pepers
chilli
cayenne pepper
chilli infused olive oil
pepper
salt
basil
creme fraiche
a pinch of sugar
tomatoe paste
stock cube(s)

Prepare some stock. Skin the tomatoes ignoring their whining. I would suggest removing the seeds too. Thrown into a pot with some water. Chop the bell peppers and add to tomatoes. Slice the garlic cloves, add as well. Add two spoonfulls of tomato paste. Boil.

Once all the stuff if soft or mushy – blend with a blender. Add chilli, cayenne pepper and black pepper. IF not spicy enough – add more. And some more. If you try to toss in a cat inside and it levitates avoiding chemical burns – it’s good.

In a separate bowl mix two big spoons of crème fraiche gradually adding hot soup. Once it reasonably hot add to the main pot. From now on do not bring to boil or the cream might clot. Add a pinch of sugar anh chilli oil.< br />
On a separate frying pan fry shallots**. I would suggest quick fry so it gets slightly glossy but it’s still crunchy inside. Just before serving add the fried shallots to the soup, along with some basil leaves and cherry tomatoes sliced in halves.

Ah, I think it should go well with rice, though I more frequently use quinoa (or Peruvian rice, pictured above)

* I never turns out well but hopefully this time will be different
** shallots apparently shouldn’t be fried and definitely shouldn’t be fried long as they might turn bitter. Cats wouldn’t be happy.

Alternative cooking

noreply@blogger.com (Szafirowy) — Thu, 29 Sep 2011 13:38:00 +0000

Without further ado, a recpie by Dzikoo:

Private Sub Cauliflower_soup ()

dim onion as vegetable
dim potato as vegetable
dim cauliflower as vegetable
dim garlic as vegetable
dim horseradish as spice
dim cremefraiche as spice
dim stock_cube as spice
dim olive as oil
dim pot as inventory
dim blender as inventory
dim milk as liquid

knife.chop(onion)
stove.on()
Stove.inventory(pot)
Pot.add(olive)
Pot.add(onion)
Noz.chop(potato)
Pot.add(potato)
Pot.add(garlic)
Pot.add(cauliflower)
Pot.addc(milk) // remove package before
Pot.add(stock_cube)
Stove.on()

If Cauliflower.hardness = 0
then stove.stop()
else
stove.on()
end;

Pot.add(horseradish)
Blender.blend(pot.value)
Pot.add(cremefraiche)

End sub;

Simple cookies

noreply@blogger.com (Szafirowy) — Sun, 18 Sep 2011 13:34:00 +0000

Apparently it’s impossible to mess up this recipe. It also takes about 20 minutes to prepare given no cats are involved. The look well too.

Ingredients:

three cups of flour
a cup of brown sugar
a teaspoon of salt
0,25kg of butter
two teaspoons of baking soda
three spoons of vanilla extract
two eggs
a packet of M&M's

Put all dry ingredients into a mixing bowl. Melt the butter and cool it down a bit. Once it cools add eggs and vanilla, mix. Mixed wet stuff should be added to the dry stuff. Knead. Hand mixers and food processor allowed.

Using a spoon put small portions on a baking tray lined with paper. Baking paper. On each portion put an M&Ms candy with the letter „m” facing down. Putting it with the latter facing up might cause sudden destruction of the universe.

Enjoy.

Seven nation cookies

noreply@blogger.com (Szafirowy) — Sun, 04 Sep 2011 13:18:00 +0000

Every now and then you might feel like launching an assault on unsuspecting nation. There are days like that. Today was such day... Alternatively I could migrate back home. Anytway, in such sitiona some cookies migh help.

I improvised the recipie a bit, though taking from some earlier experience. One more thing – I very rarely go for ready-made stuff. Nonetheless I prepared puff pastry once before and vowed to never do it again. That’s why I got some from local store this time round.

Apart from puff pastry you will need: 400g hazelnuts, 100g roasted almond, 200g walnuts, plushie beaver, two eggs, six dried dates, half a cube of butter, four teaspoons of brown sugar, half of a white chocolate, one dark chocolate and a teaspoon of vanilla extract.

Put all the ingredients through a mincer. Then mix until you get a nougat-like paste. Spare the beaver from being minced. It will do much better sitting quietly on the side and cheering you up. A word of caution – I used a high-grade electric mincer. You can do this on a manual one but it will be workout to remember*. Add eggs** and mix againbr />
Pit 300g of cherries and slice in halved. I know, I didn’t mention cherries before. Surprise.

Slice the puff pastry into rectangles, like you were preparing pierogi. Put a teaspoon of the minced nuts and two halves of cherries. Close as you would pierogi (generally ensure that the filling is in, the pastry out. Put in an over. Half an hour in 200C should do. A low-quality picture taken half-flight below:

*Once I didn’t have mincer and needed minced almonds. After many other attemtps I pressed them thoguh strainer. One of the most frustrating evenings in my life.
** do not mince the eggs. Even more importantly – add the eggs without eggshells.

PS. I did cover the ready cookies with some dark chocolate. So far one of the best things I have ever prepared.

Spicy Sunday

noreply@blogger.com (Szafirowy) — Sun, 30 Jan 2011 11:42:00 +0000

On of the faves which became popular over the last few weekend – spicy omelette. A rather simple thing, averagely quick and rather difficult to mess up. Quite hm... invigorating as well. Details:

4 eggs
1 chilli pepper
small onion or half of a medium onion
an averagely sized tomato
salt, pepper
milk or yoghurt
chives

Skin the tomatoes (put them in hot water for few minutes, any decent tomato will skin itself) and tear away the wet seed pods*. Chop and fry along with chopped onion using butter as the frying agent

Chop the chilli pepper. It’s crucial that you do not touch your eye or other sensitive parts while or once completing this step. Going to the privy my result in hours of pain. Folk wisdom says that rubbing your fingers against any steel surface (e.g. sink) will remove the irritants. I tend to be extra careful and wash them as well. Throw in the chilli on the pan together with salt and pepper.

Throw in the eggs into a bowl. Remember to get rid of the eggshell before. Add some salt and a spoon of yoghurt or two spoons of milk. Whisk vigorously, preferably with hand-mixer set on high.

Just before you get the eggs on the frying pan mix in some chopped chives. Fry on low heat, covered. It fill fluff up nicely. Some try to turn it to the other side once the eggs set. If you fail to achieve that you can always try to achieve inner peace. Especially if you managed to mutilate the omelette in the process. In the latter case you should not only have some spare inner peace but also a Frankenstein’s omelette which tastes just as well, but might be a bit deficient in the good-looks department.

Serving suggestion: sliced in quarters, servers over toast.

*otherwise they will release too much water. You can also fry it slowly waiting for the water evaporate, but this require time and patience. I rarely have the 1st and find myself generally lacking of the other.

Flapjack, or on blending in

noreply@blogger.com (Szafirowy) — Wed, 19 Jan 2011 13:14:00 +0000

Once day I wanted to blend in a bit and pretend to be English. So I decided to bake a rather easy and decidedly English cake – flapjack. Alas only later did I learn that it’s as English as Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Regardless of its origin it’s nice and easy to prepare and guys seemed to like it. So, here it is – Apricot Flapjack. Ingredients:

A Scot - 1 pc.
rolled oats - 125 g
oatmeal - 125 g
salted butter - 150 g
a bagpipe - 1 szt.
low peach apricot jam - 100g
sugar - 75 g
dried apricots – a few

On oats – the more expensive ones are usually just rolled and have relatively low amount of dust or crushed flakes. They tend to cost more too. Oatmeal apart from rolled oats has more crushed stuff in, etc. You need both of them. You might go for the cheaper oatmeal only if times are dire. On the butter – it should be salted. It features predominantly in Spain and British Isles so if you’re elsewhere bet and unsalted variety and salt it. It’s all that it takes. Preparation:

Stun the Scot and capture his bagpipe. I would go for the kilt too.
Put butter, jam and sugar in a bowl. Microwave for a bit until it all melts. Alternatively put on a stove In the meantime chop the apricots. Add chopped apricots, all the oats into the melted liquid.
Spead the mix in a buttered baking tray and bake.

175C for softer and slightly chewy version
200C for a crunchy one

Once done dress up in the quilt and abuse the bagpipe.

The shortest way to man’s heart without a knife

noreply@blogger.com (Szafirowy) — Mon, 17 Jan 2011 11:16:00 +0000

There are times when you feel like reaching out to someone’s heart. I would not recommend going through a ribcage given it invariably ends with legal complications. A much safer route leads through stomach and you won’t need to get your hands too dirty. What tends to help is proper strategy – in my case that’s often forgotten recipes from the childhood times, which bring about the warm and fuzzy memories of happiness. Example: pancakes with apple. I loved them as a kid, even before I was spoiled with olives, feta and all the capitalistic debauchery.

So, stardard pancake recipe: one cup of water, one cup of milk, 250g of flour (approx. Cup and a half) 2 eggs, a pinch of salt and half a teaspoon of baking powder. Put all into a bowl and mix. If the flour clumped press the mixtures furiously through strainer. Perhaps it’s cheating but can save the whole thing. Fry into big round shapes on a frying pan, use butte rather than oil to cover the pan.

Filling: apples, sugar, cinnamon. If you like add a spoon of honey and come cardamom. Needless to say in good, ol’ times we didn’t even know cardamom exists, so it’s fully optional. Grate the apples and mix sugar (to taste) and cinnamon. Put two spoons of apples per pancake and roll into slightly phallic shape.

It usually works the best if you have someone from places afar at hand, as it seems to be terribly exotic and they stuff themselves silly with it. While they fall into postprandial somnolence get on anc lean up the place like a decent hausfrau.

Expat pierogi

noreply@blogger.com (Szafirowy) — Mon, 06 Dec 2010 18:59:00 +0000

A procedure of preparing Russian Pierogi (which are tyically Polish and unknown in Russia) while not being in Poland. Dramatis personae:

a foreigner (from Polish point of view)
cottage cheese (which is a substitute for a Proper White Cheese), 600g
feta cheese, 100g
2 medium onions
potatoes
1 garlic clove
pepper, salt

The Procedure:

Convinvce the foreigner to give up his kitchen and go do something useful, like sit on a couch and look pretty
Peel and boil the potatoes, nothing special here. Cast a condescending glance at the cottage cheese. Reluctantly put it in a bowl and as disdainfully as possible mix it with feta cheese.
Harass the foreigner regularly
Rice the potatoes (or mash them in absence of ricer) and for the lack of better options mix with cheese prepared earlier. The foreigner should be slightly disturbed by our despair.
Chop the onion, fry. Sigh and add to the mix. Add a decent amount of pepeer and salt.
The foreigner watches carefully
Prepare pasta pastry and roll it until flat. Slive into desired shapes, put some stuffing and encase it in pastry putting the edges together. The foreigner snoozes. Sprinkle with some flour.
Boil the pierogi, afterwards fry them (2nd step optional). Grande finale – feast!
The foreigner purrs

Lawrence of Arabia

noreply@blogger.com (Szafirowy) — Tue, 05 Oct 2010 16:02:00 +0000

It took nearly years to get around putting the notes together for this one. It’s long overdue. It’s was a fortunate opportunity that I got kidnapped recently and with constant threat of biological weapon* forced to work in the kitchen from dusk till dawn. No wonder as any person being repeatedly licked on a calf by medium-sized dog will sooner or later yield to the oppressor’s whims.

A bit of explanation here... it’s more of a frivolous makeover of true pilaf but it tastes well and spares you some effort from scrubbing a half-burned pot which is a frequent by-product of recipes truer to the original. Unfortunately it needs a bit more effort in preparation itself. Some three hours.

As well known in traditional Arabic cuisine. The name of today’s prok was Laurence. If you want to get something truly Arabic go for lamb. Unfortunately in few countries it’s rather hard to get (e.g. Poland). Luckily in places where lamb is not common Laurence seems to be readily available. Eto, ingredients:

1kg of Lawrence, who was a pig
three big onions
3-4 cloves of garlic
2-3 carrots
3-4 bell peppers (preferably mixed colours)
two decent tomatoes
a can of black olives
2.5 cups of rice
sunflower seed
sesame
yellow cheese
spices - minimum:
- coriander seeds
- cumin
- ground sweet pepper
- ground chilli
- black pepper
- salt

So, let’s get started. It calls for some work so I would suggest ensuring you’ve got an afternoon or so free. Dice Lawrence and fry together with chopped onions and shredded carrot. Sprinkle with listed spices crushed in a stone grinder*. Fry until ready, it will roughly take an hour. If Lawrence has lived longer than average you might need more time.

Chop bell peppers in elongated shapes, bleach the tomatoes to remove the peel and chop them too. Slice the olives into halves. Sauté in a pot, add salt and pepper as desired. Tomatoes should turn into a mush while bell peppers should soften.

Cook the rice, adding a bit of turmeric. Tumeric is optional. On a separate frying pan dry roast sunflower and sesame***. Once it browns put it aside. Mixed the cooked rice with seeds and ground sweet pepper. Don’t mix too much, it looks better if the spices are spread unevenly.

Take a casserole pot and put a thin layer of ice on the bottom. Cover it with Lawrence, then a layer of strained veggies and the rest of rice on top of that. Put in an oven for approx 20 minutes in 180C. Take it out, sprinkle with grated cheese**** and put back until the cheese melts. Serve with garlic sauce and some sides.

Some notes on the original – it’s usually prepared in single pot, away from any pigs – using mostly lamp, err.. lamb. Usually the only veggies are carrot and onion whereas more spices is called for. That’s the basic version and plenty of local variation exists. Anyhow – whatever you make you can always claim it’s the original one.

* A Labrador!
** an instances of blunt wooden objects in metal pots being employed in similar fashion are not uncommon
*** you can use chopped almonds but they are generally better roasted in an oven and I didn’t want to overcomplicate an already complex recipe.
****which has nothing in common with Arabic cuisine and won’t ever have. Nonethjeless I find it a great addition to any baked stuff and one shouldn’t even approach an oven without grated cheese in hand.

Non-light garlic sauce

noreply@blogger.com (Szafirowy) — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 15:37:00 +0000

You will need three ingredients. I know it might be a bit of a surprise, but... garlic! Apart from that mayonnaise, preferably simple non-flavoured variety and cream.

As you can see it’s a diet recipie. Having enough servings warrants going on a diet. Mix mayonnaise and cream in equal proportions. Crush garlic or chop finely and add to the mix. Approximately two cloves per 250ml of the mix. You can add some black pepper or anything else catching your fancy. Mix again and put in the freezer. CAncell all facet-to-face appointments for following days. Enjoy.

How to milk a lark

noreply@blogger.com (Szafirowy) — Sun, 13 Jun 2010 15:32:00 +0000

I planned to add this one a while ago. The full recipe requires sponge cake which won’t be presented here for one simple reason. I can’t prepare it. It’s a hereditary condition affecting our family for at least four generations. The resulting approaches vary but in principle fall between the two:

My mother tried hundreds of times and failed in each and every case. Abuela has never officially tried however on some mornings you could smell some faint aroma of baking and notice a patch of freshly turned ground in the yard. We were never sure if that was another sponge cake or another door-to-door salesman.

Regardless of that – get a sponge cake. The rest of recipe below:

condensed milk
jelly
fruits (frozen or fresh)

The whole deal is quite simple and can be repeated to create layers. Prepare the jelly with half the water the recipe calls for. Once the jelly starts to set add condensed milk making up for the missing water. Mix with a hand mixed until fluffy, velutinous and generally indecent. Add fruit and put in a bowl. Put in a fridge and repeat with another jelly, preferably of different flavour and colour. Once the 1st layer sets firmly put the 2nd layer on top.

Put some fresh orange bits in a bowl (or tangerines) and cover with hot jelly. Wait until it sets.
Now a layer of milky jelly, some forest fruits inside (blackberry, blueberry and the like)
Once all sets take it out of the bowl* and put on pre-soaked sponge cake. Serve.

* That might call for a bit of imagination and I admit I’m not the best one. It tends to stick to the bowl and the best method I used so far is putting the bowl in hot water for a very brief moment. Unfortunately I always keep it in the hot water too long which results in the exterior being slightly melted. No major damage is done, but it’s irritating. Nonehtless – try, wish you luck.

Wet cat pesto

noreply@blogger.com (Szafirowy) — Sun, 30 May 2010 15:49:00 +0000

I hate coriander. Admittedly the first connotation I made was “wet cat”. Or soapy cockroach. Anyhow, it rarely pays to be stubborn. Being young and stu... not that wise I didn’t like olives.

Luckily some kind soul gave me this recipe for wet-cat pesto which made it’s debut during last dinner and was an instant hit.
Ingredients:
Wet cat
Half a cup of blanched almonds
Three cups of leaves and finer stems of coriander
Half a cup of olive oil
Two cloves of garlic
0,66 cup of grated sheep’s cheese, preferably mature
Heat oven to 180C. Put no cat inside and throw a the almonds in. I would recommend a baking tray being used here. Keep the almonds in until nicely browned.
The cat should get a bit dry know, though I would imagine it’s still a bit edgy. Tousle the cat and ignor any attempts to bite your hand off.

Chuck in the almonds to a food processor along with coriander and garlic. Grind a bit, add olive oil and grind until grind until you get fine the actual pesto. Add the cheese and grind some more.

The noise might have prompted the cat to hide. Find the cat, if it’s dry – sprinkle with water. Compare the taste of the cat and the taste of you pesto. Is similar something went wrong. Start over. If you can’t find any resemblance between the two – good job, it’s ready to serve.

Phfrensh honion shoup

noreply@blogger.com (Szafirowy) — Sat, 08 May 2010 13:49:00 +0000

I once had an aunt, somewhat admired and in a very certain way – respected. She had very strict values in life however she had an interesting choice of the said values and didn’t go exactly with the decency in mind.
She’s also the source of some of the recipes on the blog and while this one wasn’t put together by her I’m sure she would appreciate if and gave her somewhat worn out blessing. Mes cheurs - "Phfrensh honion shoup".

A bottle of wine, or two. One has to be dry & white. The other bottle will be dried in the process
6 big onions – two regular, two red and two white onions. Other mixes are ok too
a bit of butter
flour, one spoon
some poultry
bullion base (carrot, parsley root, onion, leek, etc.)
spices

yellow cheese (the likes of cheddar, gouda)
bread

Put aside a small glass of white dry wine.
Pour some wine for you. That will help with step no 4.
Prepare bullion using listed veg and poultry
Chop the onions. Really, there’s no other way.
Fry the onions. Once ready chuck it into the bullion having removed the other veg and poultry first. If you were to keen in the 2nd step you will probably find yourself removing the veg and poultry now.
Add spices (usually bay leaf, herbs de Provence, alternatively rosemary, thyme, some pepper)
Add the wine listed in the 1st step to the soup. Simmer.
On a separate frying pan melt some butter and put the flour. Once the flour has browned add it to the soup and mix quickly. Do not allow the flour to curd.
Prepare croutons (hence the bread on the list)
Grate the yellow cheese. Preferably before you had too much wine. If too late, get some help.

Serving: put croutons in a bowl, sprinkle generously with yellow cheese and serve the soup.
Unfortunately auntie had to be often walked to sleep before the food was server. Nonetheless the food was always fab and no one dared to complain.

How to develop hatred for carrot

noreply@blogger.com (Szafirowy) — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 06:54:00 +0000

Tajkistan’s cuisine is relatively uncomplicated. Alas uncomplicated doesn’t mean undemanding. Every recipe seems to start with “grate a sack of carrot”. Fifteen times. So was it this time too:

grate a kilogram of carrot on a fine grater
fry a big onion in a decent amount of oil; strong flame called for
while still sizzling hot chuck into the carrot
crush three cloves of garlic, add to the carrot
add salt and pepper. Be generous with the pepper
add three spoons of tomatoe vinegar. Malt vinegar is an acceptable substitute
mix, put in the fridge to cool

The original recipe calls for a bunch of green parsley, but I didn’t like it too much. On the last party it was more popular than Bavarian potatoes.

How to skin a potato

noreply@blogger.com (Szafirowy) — Sat, 27 Feb 2010 05:20:00 +0000

Anyway, without further ado a quick recipe for potato pancakes. It’s one of those nice things that you can prepare relatively quickly and relatively Polish (though Hungarians might disagree). It’s decidedlt easier than Polish hunter’s stew or pierogi.
To prepare potato pancakes you will need potatoes. A fair amount of potatoes. I would suggest 2 kg for 5 people on average. Try to get polish potatoes; the result will be much better. On the attached picture you can see Polish potatoes vs. Non-Polish potatoes. The difference should be obvious.
Apart from potatoes you will need some eggs, four spoons of flour, onion, salt and butter. You can opt for cream and mayoram.
Hold a potato firmly in your hand and stab it quickly. These respectable creatures deserve fair treatment and shouldn’t suffer too long. Once firmly dead skin it and put in cold water. Proceed with rest of the flock in similar manner.
Grate the potatoes, as finely as possible. You can also go for food processor which should do a good job, though admittedly I yet have to test this. The finer the batter the better the pancakes. Grating the potatoes should be a fairly simple business and I won’t allude to any exercise that would bear resemblance.
Once grated take all the onion and make sure it’s far away from the kitchen. Adding onion to potato pancakes should result in being pulled apart by wild turtles. Apart from absolutely no onion add two eggs, approximately four spoons of flour and a bit of salt. You might add some cream, but that’s optional. Some turmeric or baking powder is ok. First for colour, the latter for general fluffiness.
Once all the stuff is in a bowl – mixt it with a hand mixed. Until firmly mixed.
The last part – fruing. In decent houses any attempt to fry potato pancakes on fat other than butter was punished by being pulled apart... you know the drill. I still think this treatment was far to gentle. While slightly challenging potato packages deserve butter. Just keep the fire low and be patient. It’s worth it.
Usually I make them as big as the frying pan, but at times I will modify the recipe (and repent for that later) producing them tad smaller.
Serving suggestions: sprinkled with sugar or with mushroom sauce.

Ain't no rest for the slender

noreply@blogger.com (Szafirowy) — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 15:42:00 +0000

Before you proceed with this one round up all your dreams of being slim and slender and shoot'em. There's no other way.

Ingredients:
powdered milk (important: powdered, not a granulate) 500g
icing sugar, half a cup
250 g of butter
diet yogurt
Additionally - raisins, dried cranberry, almonds, ground nuts and similar stuff

Put the powdered milk and sugar in a bowl. Listening to the sound of clogging arteries cut the butter into smaller chunks. Add about three spoonfuls of diet yogurt. Just to show it it's place. I tend to add some ground nuts, but that's not mandatory.

You'll need to get your hands dirty... Knead the whole affair until you get something roughly resembling shortcrust pastry, but whiter. All you need to be able to do is to form little round shapes.

The usual way of preparing those consist of taking some "dough' in hand, putting few raisins on top and adding a bit more of the stuff. Form a ball with raisins inside. Put the ready stuff in the fridge for about 30 minutes. Ready.

I assure you the final result is good, but immensely sweet. The official name is simplises.

Feuer frei

noreply@blogger.com (Szafirowy) — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 20:40:00 +0000

This coffe has certain hindu trait to it. I had it first time in Momo in Kraków (a vegan, Tibetan-hindu alternative cafe, most recommended). I ask few fellow guys from India and indeed some of them know it...

It rejyventase, and won’t only help you get up, but also will prevent you from sitting down. Unfortunately it has been known to dissolve spook and hunt small rodents.

cofee (freshly ground or not). Instant won’t do.
spices
milk
cardiologist

Pay a visit to your cardiologist and ensure all is well. It’s not a coffee for the meek of heart. Once you’re sure you can handle it let’s get going... Preferred method of preparation calls for a device pictured above. I suppose that’s what gives it the strength, though drip machine works quite well too. I would be hesitant around devices using steam pressure as cinnamon might clog it up a bit and you don’t want to be around a clogged up pressurised device. Not more than once. Put some coffee in and add spices. That’s what makes all the difference:

ground cardamom, a pinch
a pinch of ground, dried ginger
three cloves ground in a stone grinder
a piece of cinnamon bark, smashed a bit in a stone grinder too. Powdered will work as well but it tends to clog up the coffee maker a bit
a tiny little bit of ground pepper
Optional – cocoa, perhaps a bit of mint

Add the rest of the ground coffee and get on with making it. Personally I like my coffee with milk, but it’s qute ok on its own. Good luck!

Frivolous creepies with an animal

noreply@blogger.com (Szafirowy) — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 17:53:00 +0000

So the recipe promised on the other blog. Just a bit of warning – it’s not a plagiarism of enchilada, neither it is a polonaise version of burritos. Claiming so will be treated as a grave offence. With emphasis on the grave.

The recipe can be easily split into three stages, where the first two can be executed simultaneously. For the time being let’s split it into creping and the other part.

Creping
As the name suggests you should be significantly creepy during this phase. I will leave details to you, list of ingredients as follows:

creepiness
plain flour, 0,5kg
water, 0,5l
beer, 0,5l
two unconceived chickens,or eggs
salt
a pinch of baking powder
dried parsley
a bit of tumeric

Take a creepy stance.
Throw all the ingredients gently into a bowl and mix until it resembles double cream. Remember to take the eggshell of, otherwise the resulting crepes will be too crunchy.
Once mixed increase the amount of creepiness and throw few vicious glances around. Sneaklily put some butter on a frying pan and with clearly no good intentions put some batter on the fruing pan. Repeat until your run out of batter.
Before each consecutive creepie add some butter to the pan. Fry it on a very low heat, as while the butter will give it a lovely taste and smell it also burns easily. I’ve been told it’s decidedly unhealthy and shouldn’t be used for frying but my grandma (84 and counting) never believed this and I shan’t take heed either. I’ve seen people using oil instead but the result it rather rubbery
The other phase – animal

a kilogram of minced animal. Pig should do
chopped onion
a can of red kidney bean, a can of chickpeas and a can of corn
lavish amounts of ground red pepper, black pepper and chilli
slightly smaller amounts of other spices, I tend to use some coriander seeds, a bit of herbs de Provence and lovage, the latter being there for purely esoteric reasons.
chopped tomatoes (canned, boxed or whatever); in Slovenia they name it pelati

Preparations is painfully easy – fry the animal with onion until it changes colour, then add all the veggies and spices. Steam, simmer or make soft by any other preferred method. Sometimes the animal won’t change colour, regardless of your efforts. It usually suggest some artificial colouring and other paint jobs done in store. Apart from being irritating that won’t change the taste. Again – it’s supposedly unhealthy. Just fry it until you thihnk it’s ok. Then taste and fry until it tastes ok.
Once both creepies and animal are ready – put some animal on the creepie and roll to form a pipe of sorts. Sprinkle with grated yellow cheese and put on a baking tray. Repeat with all the creepies and once raeady put the whole baking tray in an oven. Bake for about 25-30 minutes in 180C. the main reason is to melt the cheese and allow the flavour to develop fully.

If you’re running a bigger event with few more dishes keep it in the oven set to lower temperature until serving time, sprinkling it with water every now and then to retain the moisture. I find that method generally useful and with some management it will allow to serve several hot dished at the same time.)

Ah, I forgot to mention – salt the animal sometime during the frying phase. Just in case.

Martial cookies

noreply@blogger.com (Szafirowy) — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 12:16:00 +0000

The name came about when I first tried to bake these. Back then I got the recipe from my mother who mixed up the proportions a bit. Despite ferwent resistance from the dough I managed to form it into desired shapes and prepare the cookies. This brought about few dozens of round, vicious miscreants that could be used in save innocents, assault nocents, support furniture or used instead of a hammer.

600 g plain flour
200 g unsalted butter
200 g fine white sugar (brown would do too)
2 yolks
1 egg
2,5 spoon crème fraiche
15-20 g of baking powder
2 teaspoons of vanilla extract

Mix the ingredients and knead the dough. Once firm and slightly bouncy roll it into a sheet roughly 3 mm thick. Using a glass cut out round shapes. Using smaller glass (vodka shots one is perfect) cut out a small hole in the middle of half of the shapes. You shouldn’t assume that bottles and vodka glasses are my basic utensils in the kitchen (even if they are in fact). Put the cut out shapes on a baking tray lined with sandp… baking paper. Alternatively you can prime the baking tray with some butter. Doing on or the other is essential as otherwise you will have lots of fun scraping the cookies of the tray, unfortunately you might not have many cookies to eat. Bake in 180-200°C until golden-brown. It might take from 10 to 20 minutes. Once ready let them cool. Afterwards put two of the pieces together, one with a hole and one whole using any sorts of preserve. Afterwards decorate with sugar glazing drawing little pentagrams across. The original recipe calls for prune preserve (a.k.a. powidl). However, I did encounter a person who didn’t like prunes and improvised peach filling. The procedure to improvise below:

4 cans of peaches in syrup
gelling agent*
lemon juice
invisible cat
vanilla extract
cream aroma (optional)
sugar (optional)

Mince the peaches (syrup won’t be needed) and put on a large frying pan. Add a littlbe bit of lemon juice, vanilla extract, 2-3 drops of cream aroma. Fry on low/medium heat. Add the gelling agent, arrowroot or gelatine should do. I opt for vegan stuff trying to avoid anything squeaking in past life in my cookies.

Mix, cool. Ready. It’s essential to keep the cat out of the kitchen as they tend to shed into the pan. You can see some cookies on the picture above.