MOTHER FLIPPIN'

Fireflies

2011-07-28T07:57:00.000-04:00

Fireflies. My yard, damp from the rain was filled with fireflies last night.

Dinner had been eaten and my oldest boys had put on their pajamas. It was about 10 minutes before bedtime.

Hey! Why don't you guys go out and catch some fireflies.

Really?

Yes, really. Go ahead.

...and off they went. Feet barely grazing the tips of wet grass. Open hands raised high to clasp a little light in the air. Raindrops still falling all around them. Cool air in and out of my back windows carrying the voices of two brothers calling to each other.

They scrambled to find an empty orange juice container in our recycle bin and when I called them in, they carried that container up to their bedroom as a night light.

I don't always love parenting. I find it hard and frustrating. I get irritated and grumpy. It is a thankless job with no real benchmarks for success that you don't create yourself. It often leaves me feeling incompetent and unqualified.

At about 10 minutes before my children's bedtime, I can provide lightening in a bottle and at about 10 minutes before I go to bed, I can release it.

That's the kind of mother I am.

Wordless Wednesday: Snoop-a-loop!!

2011-07-27T08:17:00.002-04:00

Well, look who I ran into while picking up some champagne after the 6th Annual Poetry in the City. That's right. Snoop Dog. And for the record, he looks like he's about to get fresh with that hand.

That ain't no fun....

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To The Highest Bidder

2011-07-26T17:34:00.000-04:00

So guess who is now sitting on the Service and Fundraising Committee for the Lansing Derby Vixens.

I know that you are shocked that although I also signed up for two other options, that the powers that be derby decided that service and fundraising were right up my alley.

Flippin' unbelievable right?

I know you are probably also thinking, where is she going to find the time?

Short answer.

I have no idea.

There. I am glad we have discussed this and can move on.

I am super duper excited. When I am a grown up, I am going to be a fundraising superstar. I love all of the experience I am piling on my resume. You can never have too much know how.

I also get to work with Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang whose name, you might've noticed works well with my own.

For example,

Ahem.

Firecracker....BANG!

Plus, she has a heart of gold that is full of love for her community and causes that support the people living in it.

Agenda Item #1

Planning the silent auction for our next home bout on August 6th Dazed and Confused: Lansing Derby Vixens vs. NEO Roller Derby! A portion of the proceeds will benefit Ele's Place, "a healing center for grieving children, supporting families in the Lansing and Ann Arbor regions and beyond." I have never planned a silent auction before. No biggie. I am sure a few google searches and help from my fellow Vixens will have it more than covered.

Agenda Item #2

Solicit businesses like it's my job. I will be pandering, begging, asking and politely inquiring for about 10 days.

Agenda Item #3

Drop off a huge, massive, ginormous wad of cash to honor a fellow Vixen who tragically lost her child this year. We have all watched with heavy hearts as she had to lovingly say goodbye to her child. We want nothing more than to be able to show our love for her and her family by supporting this amazing organization.

I will be hustlin'. Like the song. Everyday. Well, until the next bout.

Who are we kidding? Every. Flippin. Day.

If you own a business, online or otherwise and have something you would like to contribute, please send me an e-mail at themotherflippinblog(at)gmail.com.

*whispers* I don't know. Are spammers smart enough to read that?

Generosity is a gift to the world but mostly to yourself and your spirit.

Love always, going once...going twice... and given away freely on a daily basis,

Nina Firecracker....BANG!! (couldn't help myself)

P.S. I am so happy to be apart of a league that gives money, time and extra effort to the community. Just one more way of making #lovelansing an amazing place to live.

It is good to be a Vixen.

We Came to Party!

2011-07-23T22:20:00.000-04:00

I have spent my entire day in preparation for a certain somebody's 8th birthday party.

Yep. That's my guy Isaiah. He just turned eight and he is pumped to be a year older. He has been given no special eight year old privileges and yet, he is still so pumped. It may have something to do with our family's tradition of celebrating a birthday for at least a week. I know that gets me pumped every year for my birthday.

We have already had our own family party. He has gotten gifts from all of us. He has gotten to choose a large blizzard just for himself. We had cake and even Grandma took him out for a special date. It is good to be eight.

He decided that he wanted to invite his friends over for a big water war. We have a kiddie pool, water balloons and a slip-n-slide. There are hot dogs and God willing, I will get to making that potato salad. We even have side walk chalk for the water disenchanted kiddos.

I skimped on goody bags and bought little water guns instead. We also skimped a little on the "adult meal". Times are hard man.

Let them eat processed meat and 100% whole wheat (enriched flour) buns!

I'm just playin'. I have a load of chicken to barbecue, floors to mop, dog poop to scoop (just a little) and water guns to assemble in the morning. The yard looks amazing and our half bath is half way renovated (enough for children to potty and wash their hands) thanks to my hubby. I also have a roller derby practice to throw into the mix. I am pretty sure I am going to paint all faces camouflage to really give the kids that water combat feel.

Truth be told, I would do just about anything to make sure my boy felt just as happy about the day he was born as I did the first time I held his wrinkly self in my arms.

This is one of those motherhood things not to be taken lightly. I may suck at domesticity but I know how to party. It's a gift really.

P.S. What did the 0 say to the 8?

I'll post the answer, compliments of my co-worker Kelly, for you later. :)

She Used to Write All of the Time

2011-07-22T22:34:00.000-04:00

I knew it was a bad idea when I said I would do it with a stomach in knots. I raised my hand anyway. I used to write poetry all of the time. Poetry that turned from rhyme to song and back again. I used to think I was quite good at it. It has been nearly 10 years since I have shared any poetry with anyone. Not even my husband has read a piece written by me outside of these blog posts for years.

I said I would do it but I certainly didn't announce it to the world. I watched the event be posted and posted and shared and reposted again on Facebook. I never let my mouse so much as graze the link. I was terrified to invite anyone. I was too afraid of what I might say or not. For goodness sakes, the event was a week a way and I had written nothing. Not one single little letter on a line of paper. Silence hanging between my busy mind and my empty page.

Did I really sign up for the 6th Annual Poetry in the City without something written to share?

Yes. Yes I did.

July 21st rolled up on me hot and fast. No really. It was fire ant hot outside and public speaking events seem to come quicker when you have nothing prepared to say.

I had nothing. I had been pondering. Reciting words in my head on long drives. I had written and scratched out and written again. Nothing. I couldn't write a thing.

Until. 5:45 on July 21st. The program started at 7pm and I threw myself onto my bed with words pouring out of me. It was almost like the first rest stop for miles after you drank a gallon of water. Well, but...minus the nasty bathroom.

I wrote and I even sang. I knew what I was supposed to say and the words came easily.

I showed up at the Michigan State Capitol, still questioning and a bundle of nerves. I brought my guitar. Just in case. I didn't need it. The few friends that managed to find my name on the list of poets came to support me. I kept saying in my head, "This is a really bad idea." I would counter that with, "You just have to be brave enough to perform it the way you wrote it."

And then it was my turn.

I didn't pee my pants as I had been threatening all day. I sang parts and spoke parts. I looked up at the crowd and I said, "She used to sing all of the time."

The words carried on because, even my mother recognized from the title, I was talking about myself.

I don't have much to show from last night. I have a few photos and a poem written out on three pages of paper. Short and sweet and brave. I may record it to share with all of you (but mostly my mom).

All in all, the event was a total blast. People of all ages, men and women from all different backgrounds got up and shared something of themselves. Honest thoughts, opinions and intentions. I love artists.

Anyway, to see the photos I took visit The Mother Flippin' Fan Page. Oh, and save the date for next year. Thursday, July 19th, 2012 will be the 7th Annual Poetry in the City. That gives me approximately 364 days, 23 hours and 45 minutes to write another piece to share.

My friend Sara made that little timeline observation.

When I am scared, I procrastinate. There, now you know my weakness. :)

There Are Worse Things We Could Do

2011-07-22T00:12:00.003-04:00

Ya'll know that I have a deep and undying affection for pretty shoes. Undying.

It's true. All of them. I love them.

I also have a deep and undying love for good. Charity, compassion...you know, Jesus stuff.

Two loves that I cannot let go of no matter how hard I try. I could buy so many more shoes if I didn't care for charity and I could give so much more to charity if I didn't buy so many damned shoes. This, ladies and gentlemen, is my first world problem. Don't pity me. I am ashamed.

Last night at Grace Boutique in Old Town Lansing, my two loves met on the dance floor and reenacted the final dance in Dirty Dancing. Full on with lip singing to the song Time of My Life and everything.

It was amazing.

Me and my girls decided to host a party for Shining A Light. They are an organization that combats poverty with education and income generating opportunities for women and children in Tanzania.

Me, Tiffany from Shining a Light and Summer, owner of Grace

The women being helped by the organization have likely been abandoned by their husband, shunned by their family and are inches away from giving their children up for adoption to ensure that they are able to eat. Can you imagine making that decision today? Can you imagine loving your children the way you do and having to give them up? The very thought of it ties my stomach in knots and brings tears to my eyes.

You can "like" their page on Facebook to get updates and photos of the projects run by Shining A Light.

Shining a Light Sandals

Sara, Summer and I, invited Tiffany from Shining a Light to bring her sandals over to Grace for a party. Grace currently keeps a few in stock but this was a special event. We invited everyone and many, many women came to check out the goods. I shopped around Grace because it's my favorite store and I already have a pair of sandals I wear all the time.

Let me introduce you to the lovelies.

This is Summer Schriner. Basically, aside from her allowing me to call her Summer Lovin' instead and being the absolute best shopper ever, she is amazing. Smart as a whip, funny and just about as cute as God makes people.

She owns Grace Boutique in Old Town where nearly all of my favorite pieces have come from. You see, when you buy something from Target, you call it what it is. It is a t-shirt, a clutch or earrings on clearance. I love Target. I joke that I could find a Target if dropped into the middle of nowhere.

When you buy something from Grace, you gently wrap it in tissue and keep it high in your closet to pull out on special occasions. It is a piece like those hung in a gallery. The best difference is that you get to wrap that art around you and wear it. And that my dear people is why Summer Lovin' is the very best shopper in the world. She fills that little boutique with art all the way to the edges of the frame. Le Sigh.

Anywhoo...there I go rambling about fineness again.

These two ladies on stage left are Sarah and Emily and they run Lunch with A Purpose with a few other friends. They encourage people to spend one hour a week, during their lunch time giving back to the community. They even come to the Nyaka office! I love when they come because I think volunteers are dreamy. Um, because they are. These two have started a phenomenon. These volunteers go everywhere. Non-profits all over the capital city are saying prayers of gratitude for these two ladies and they should be. Join the group and start a chapter in your town. You could do worse than becoming a hometown hero.

This is a photo of Racha and Jamie. Not pictured here are Jamie and Summers, mother and sister Macie. We laughed and drank cocktails. We discussed our figures, the perfect dress and how the 40's would have been a lovely time to live for the clothes alone. We tried on clothing and oohed and aaahed at each other's selections. Apparently Racha and I are related closely as she is my sister from another mister. I didn't know that before last night and it makes me exceedingly happy.

We raised a good chunk of change for an amazing organization. I found a dress, quite literally, made for me and many women left feet adorned with a story that they will share with others.

I can't give a million dollars to everyone that I want to. I can barely match socks in my own laundry hamper. I can find others who want to pull resources together for the greater good. I can reach out with my wild ideas and watch those around me doing good and wading in to it deeper as well. There are worse things than making ends meet for non-profits.

You can check out photos of the event and the dress I found compliments of Grace Boutique on The Mother Flippin' Fan page. Check it out and consider planning a party.

There are worse things you could do.

Writers Block: Proof of Life

2011-07-20T12:00:00.000-04:00

For a girl who with bunches to say, I have very little to write.

Right now, my brain feels like a hoarders home. Ideas piled to the ceiling. I walk around poking at them with a broom, moving them from room to room but never making any progress. I am not sure what the heck my problem is.

I have done a lot of living in the past couple of weeks. My children are growing, getting into trouble and making me laugh big at their naughtiness....of course, when I am not responsibly disciplining them. My husband is building them a fort in the backyard. We have two of three birthdays coming up and parties planned to celebrate. I am practicing very hard to make the A Team Roster for the Lansing Derby Vixens and I have the bumps and bruises to prove it.

I have photos clogging my phone up and e-mails pouring in about my kid's school and affiliates for my blog site. (What??...I don't know either *shrug*) My car looks like I live in it because I almost do. I am co-hosting a party for Shining a Light tonight with my two beautiful, compassionate friends Sara and Summer. Tomorrow night I am reading poetry aloud on the steps of the city capital building and I may pee my pants over it.

My problem is living. I am living all over the place. I am so glad I took this moment to write a little note because I am a perfectionist and I want these posts to be intelligent and well thought out. So much so, that they never get written because I am to busy being all controlling. So here it is. The true story.

I will be writing more but it won't be perfect. It will be a pretty messy record of this living I have been doing.

God, but doesn't that sound fantastic. Living. It's a good time to be alive and I intend to pile it all high on my plate and dig in...

Are you gonna finish that? :)

Wordless Wednesday: Transfer Commode

2011-07-13T07:34:00.000-04:00

I am not sure where our toilet is planning on going but I would bet that our commode is angling for cleaner digs where it is not possible to have toys flushed away. Although I will miss indoor toilets, I have said for years that a porta potty would be cleaner with three young boys.

I Know How You Feel

2011-07-11T08:07:00.000-04:00

I have spent so much time in my life avoiding horrible memories. My mind never seems to shut off and sometimes, when it goes back too far or too deep, I want to open my skull and just set my brain next to me to buzz and whir. I will just sit numb and empty for awhile. Just for awhile and then I will put it back because there's good stuff in there too.

I can distract myself. I can drink wine to make my thinking slow. I can ignore the thoughts. I can pick a new thought to ponder instead. I can fill my calender to the edges. I can do all of these things for the rest of my life.

I am exhausted.

Last night, like a gazillion of other folks, I watched the Primetime interview of Jaycee Dugard with rapt attention. I watched her face change as she switched her focus from the now to the then. I understood how certain memories like sounds could be more haunting than the acts of violence itself. I remember small details that may seem so insignificant to you but will throw me into a tailspin on a bad day.

I completely agree with her. We need to talk openly and honestly because we do not carry their shame. We did nothing wrong and silence only feeds the enemy. It is a hard truth because the perpetrators will never suffer the exhaustion of one, single memory and how it can wipe a day away. They will feel their weak tinges of remorse for sins already acted upon. We will heal from them daily.

We, the survivors, are already stronger than the perpetrators just by virtue of being the last person standing. The walking wounded but still walking.

The real meaning of enlightenment is to gaze with undimmed eyes on all darkness." -- Nikos Kazantzakis

I love this quote but I don't know if it is true.  My eyes still feel pretty dimmed when I look at all of the darkness. Not just my own but the world's darkness.

Someone lovely posted on Facebook a question that I have been chewing on for months. Essentially, the question was "Why do bad things happen to good people?"  I didn't respond on the page but in my heart....

....because none of us are exempt.  Whether you believe in nothing or everything, pain will find you. No one's life is charmed. No good deeds or acts of kindness will save you from life. I have my story. Jaycee has hers. You have your story and so on.  In the end, we will all have times we will wish we didn't have to endure. We will all have a memory or a million that we would rather not sit in.

Some of us will have the courage to not only sit in those memories but take notes. We will take notes and fully recognize how those memories have affected us and the one's we love.  Some of us will even have the strength to help a few others do the same thing. We will step inside those little houses of horror and hold a friend's hand while they take their own notes.

I know that these posts about sexual abuse are probably not the funnest for any of you to read. It may not be for you. They are for me and for the silent readers who know all to well the memories I am writing about. They are for those who are just beginning to take notes. They are for the readers who run from memories and are exhausted.

I know how you feel.

Clean Houses are Stupid

2011-07-09T23:48:00.001-04:00

Dirty toes, crumpled damp wash cloths and dirty dishes everywhere. I am currently writing from a couch that makes my thighs itchy from invisible and yet extremely invasive crumbs from tonight's snack of frosted mini wheats. At my feet, luxuriously crossed and resting on the coffee table, are trains, tracks, a plastic bat and the empty DVD case of Stuart Little.

Our day had a slow start and a long ending. Guess which one I preferred?

It was a slow, meandering day. I awoke with an agenda I intended to write down and then cross off the list one by one.

Clean out the car.
Vacuum upstairs
Do a load of laundry

That's all I can remember of my early morning motivations. I never did make that list.

Instead, we made a different list.

Watch remaining episodes of Ben 10 leftover from family night (while I write)
Lay in the hammock and play outside.
Read more of Jackson Jones: The Tale of a Boy, an Elf, and a Very Stinky Fish.
Eat ice cream and/or Popsicles depending on preference.
Bathe
Watch 100 Ways to Leave a Game Show after Captain McNaughty Pants (Levi) went to bed.
Watch Dan in Real Life amidst the clutter of a slow and meandering day.

Oh, the view from that hammock....

I did wash dishes and mop the dining room floor. I had to do that. It looked like a swamp thing wandered in for a snack. You and I both know that three children muddy, grassy and wet from outdoor play charging through the house is the equivalent of at least one swamp thing. I don't even remember when that happened.

Irrelevant details. It's clean now.

The more I struggle with the concept of peace the less likely I am to awake and rush out. I can feel the winding down of my need to fill every minute. In addition to all of that, my children are these brilliant little bits of light. When I make myself still and sit in the same moment with them, it is peace.

Isaiah brings me bugs declaring that he has found another exoskeleton. Isaac sneaks up on Isaiah, scares him with a "boo" and then belly laughs as if he invented that joke. Levi open mouth licks the top of my head like a cat....meeeoooowww.

I love the zoo. I think we have some amazing parks in this area. I love to take in a movie or go to the skating rink (obviously). Arcades are always fun. I too, feel the pressure to pack my summer full of plans, events and trips. Today I pondered how much time I was missing with my children rushing them around. Summer will soon be over and it will be up and at 'em every day. Our quiet wonders will be split by time even more.

The privilege of being home in the midst of the sticky fingers, dripping Popsicles and belly laughs will end. Muddy bare feet will have to be laced up in school shoes and picnic lunches will be traded for heavy backpacks. I will have to drink my coffee as I drop off my oldest two instead of having it looking out my back window watching them play in the dirt in their pajamas.

My house will also be cleaner.

Clean houses are stupid but summer... I wish summer would stay forever.

Wordless Wednesday: ROCK. stars.

2011-07-06T13:41:00.000-04:00

A little sports and rec. sponsored trust exercise.

The cute face of my Little Fish.

Yes. He is this cool.

All the way to the top, like a pro!

Vito's turn. He pretty much made it to this point and fell off every time. :)

Celebrity Mom Interview: Tashmica Torok

2011-07-06T00:09:00.003-04:00

This weekend I had an extra moment to pick up a copy of People Magazine.

You know, the magazine that has at least one or two legitimate stories in it so you can pretend to be reading something intelligent whilst you covet Jada Pinkett-Smith's new shiny, McShiny pants and matching clutch.

Don't act like you don't know what I am talking about. *squinty glare and pointy finger*

As I flipped through, skipping the intelligent articles....

Honestly, I am only smart on weekdays.

I came upon a celebrity interview for a celebrity mom about her new celebrity baby. No one asked me for this interview. I am a mom. I rock the ~~shit~~ out of being a mom. Okay, so not very many people know me but that is a teeny, tiny detail overcome by my wit and charm.

In response to People Magazine's failure to do their research and find a legit mom to interview, I will respond to a list of questions I found online in another publication that failed to do their research either.

What is journalism coming to!

So here is my ~~long awaited~~ celebrity mom interview. Try not to be jealous.

******

Tashmica Torok wears many hats -- writer, roller derby skater, Executive Assistant at a growing non-profit, wife of area small business owner and mother of Isaiah, 7, Isaac, 5, and Levi, 2. Last fall, she went and got a full time job after years of running the family business while pretending to be a stay at home mom. (WHA?! - It's true.) Here, Tashmica shares how she keeps the plates spinning.

Pulling double duty: "In the beginning, I had this crazy notion that I had to do it all. I was the mother and all things maternal or child related fell under my dominion. That was stupid. I can admit when I am wrong. I called in the reinforcements. It wasn't easy but I had enough nervous breakdowns trying to handle it all on my own that, for the sake of my ability to live outside of the funny farm, my husband stepped up. There are very few assigned responsibilities. We shop, cook, wash dishes, pay bills, change diapers, feed the dog and go to work. He can't handle vomit and I DIE before I mow the lawn. It's a fair swap."

Ready for the job: READY FOR THE JOB!!! I am not ready for tomorrow! I typically wander around reacting to what I forgot to write down, cook, pay for or clean up. It's fine. I just blame the kids.

"I woulda been on time but you know kids! They are so slow."

Literal translation?

"I didn't even know I was supposed to be here, let alone bring a dish to pass. I was inches away from lying to my brood and telling them the event was canceled. Sorry. Now, who wants cookies!"

Pregnancy style: Stupid question. Next.

The name game: We went with Hebrew names with meanings that struck a chord with us. Isaiah's name means "the Lord saves" and marks a deeply important time to me. Isaac's name means "laughter" and I am not sure a child has ever had a more appropriate name because he brings us so much joy and hilarity. Levi's name means "associated with Him" Considering Levi's nickname "Vito", as parents we are just trying like hell to make sure that Him = God and not some sketchy mob character in preschool.

Going back to work: Some days I hate it so much I can't breathe. I look at them all sweet and sticky from their breakfast puckering up for my goodbye kisses and I want to quit. Other days, while I watch them set up tables for a meeting of do-gooders or play parachute games with a little girl for Uganda recovering from important surgery and I know this is not just a job for my family. It is an extension of the lifestyle of charity I am teaching them everyday.

Adjusting to two: Um, three. Again with the research.

Three is a lot of kids. Don't let the breeders fool you. Three kids, three boys who come home with the mailman, hide rotten veggies under the lids of thermoses and call you mean, is a lot of kids. We are still adjusting because no day is the same and no schedule works every time. Parenting is not for those who can't handle change.

Mandatory baby gear: The kind of diapers and wipes that will keep the baby's butt dry. A sippy cup he can drink from and a stroller for the baby to roll in when he won't stay with the pack (Inadvertent Derby Reference), which is always.

Making introductions: My children adore each other. My oldest is really invested in making sure the other two are safe. Levi can be soothed by his older brothers with or without me. Isaac is a sugar lump child that I just try to keep from being forgotten. Their introduction was smooth. I just keep brainwashing them into believing they are best friends with the hope that someday they totally will be.

Sibling rivalry: This is a huge pain in my butt right now. I spend a lot of time trying to keep them so busy they don't have time to argue. I have actually started assigning them school work for arguments. I mean, they are obviously very bored if they want to waste all of that time fighting over whose PENNY that is!

Making it work: It does. It has to. There are five lives that depend on it. Five lives with different abilities, hopes and concerns all mish-mashed into this family. We want our little men to leave our home empowered and whole. We are doing our best but their are no guarantees. This is us, rolling the dice.

I really hope this works. Mama needs a new pair of shoes!!!

Wordless Wednesday: CSI Sesame Street

2011-06-22T06:00:00.001-04:00

Apparently, Elmo continues to meet his demise in the Torok home. This time the poor soul was found out in a heap of dead leaves, a victim of a firetruck rollover. The coroner has not determined a time of death but again, this crime is suspected to have been committed by Levi "Vito" Torok.

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Time Out

2011-06-21T23:08:00.001-04:00

Dear readers,

It seems a bit humorous to write a post about taking a break. A little oxymoronic?

I need a breather. I have a few things I have to work out.

Remember that quip about me being like the Runaway Bride in the About Me page? I have a few more egg dishes to sample. My heart is figuring on a few things. I need to be silent for a couple of weeks.

I will need to focus on very simple things. Eat. Sleep. Breathe....

I suppose I will still post a few things here and there. I have another version of CSI: Sesame Street ready to go for Wordless Wednesday. I just can't promise you my regular witty commentary on life.

Scratch that. You can count on witty commentary. I am just worried that for a time, the stories will be just sitting on the surface. I hope you don't all run for the hills.

How's that for cryptic? I do my best to provide suspense in this blog as often as possible.

Your welcome.

Love Always,

Tashmica

Grandma Calls it Growing

2011-06-15T22:05:00.001-04:00

I didn't recognize the voice or the number that flashed across my caller I.D.

956?

9 - 5 - 6 . . . ?

Did I pay all of my bills on time? Sad but it's true. That's what I thought.

Her hellos were familiar but over the ruckus of three boys hopped up on video games a la Funtyme of Okemos and dum dums, it was hard to make out.

And then it hit.

*sigh* Grandma.

"Granddaughter, you have been on my mind."

She went on for a minute about all of the times she thought of calling me and failed. She and I both know that the call fail will always be with me. Someday I will regret it.

She heard that I was hurting. She heard that things were not easy. She, like God, came right on time even if it was not when I asked.

Her yeah, yeahs were like the ones said over a little girl with bloody, skinned knees.

She didn't say it was fine. She didn't say she knew how to fix it. She said that I was growing.

Growing.

Truth is I am feeling much, much better. Days are making more sense. Past trauma doesn't seem to be chasing me down with such leg aching speed. I am stronger for it. I am not hiding from it.

She just put a name on it. Growing. Stretching into my own bigger space in this world. Learning how much more room I have to fill in this world. Recognizing that I have never been less than but always more than how I was treated when I was just a tiny girl.

Been there. Done that. Bought the t-shirt.

Her jokes come like my own, tinged with just enough reality to ensure that others can recognize truth behind the knee slapper.

I hope I grow up to be just like her.

I programmed her phone number into my fancy texting, posting, mapquesting wonder of a phone and I will call her more often.

Someday, I know I won't regret it.

My Children: Making Me Look Bad Since 2003

2011-06-07T23:27:00.001-04:00

Yesterday morning, in the melee of a day starting, I told my older boys to go get dressed.
Actually, it was something like...

No, we are not playing video games right now.
Get dressed, brush your teeth and eat breakfast first.

We usually take it easy on them during the first week of summer. It's been a long school year. I get it.

However, when they wake up looking for their CrackTendo, I wonder if I am raising my own personal pajama wearing, wii playing, basement dwellers. Ya'll know how I feel about that.

You don't have to go home but you can't stay here. Love, Mom.

Lord help me love these children enough to make them want to leave me. ~Amen

I digress.

My eldest son came into the bathroom wearing an outfit that looked very much like it was chosen by salad shaker. He chose striped shorts and his Cub Scout shirt.
We gave up on Cub Scouts very early in the school year. Another story I will share at some point I am sure.

I said, "What's up with the shirt?" *cocked eyebrow*

He said, "I like it."

And I was seconds, milliseconds even from criticizing. I was going to point out that his outfit didn't match in color or even category of apparel. I was going to ask him to change, to put on something more palatable to me.

And then I saw it. I saw just how much he loved that shirt. I saw that he liked himself the way he was. He felt good wearing what he had chosen. I could see it in the way he looked down at himself. I could see it in the way he buttoned up and smoothed down. He was confident and sure but he must have anticipated my directives.

I took a breath. A little non-judgemental breath. A little who-do-you-think-you-are-breath. I mean for goodness sakes, I'm not a cookie cutter myself.

I looked at him and in that tiny moment that came next, I said, "I like you." and he just smiled and said, "Thanks."

Off he went, a hot mess of a child all full of confidence, love and the power to make me look negligent for all of the good parenting I just doled out.

Later in the day I heard this song called The Way I Am by Ingrid Michaelson.

It reminded me of that tiny moment I shared with my son and how we are taught to be loved, how to accept love and how to love. Do I want my sons to find a partner who tries to coordinate his outfits? Do I want her to change the playlist in his iPod? Is his dream of the kind of future he wants going to be up for auction to the highest lover?

Will there be room in my son's lives for the dreams, goals and hobbies of a woman? Will they want a full relationship or will they want to chop bits of her off to fit their ideal?

This is the crap that keeps me up at night. Will my sons be good men!?

God, I hope so.

Compromises are made between lovers but hopefully they are not at the risk of losing one member of the relationship. I want my children to be able to love someone the way they are and vice versa. :)

I hope that when my children dress like they have no mother, I can look past the mismatching outfit to the genuine heart and say, "I like you."

Stink eye to all the people judging my parenting skills.

Maybe my children will like themselves and their confidence will help them through the world, liked or not.

*sigh*

I love those boys.

Buttering me up with cuddles and kisses...all for a taste of my fish fry.

Travel Companions

2011-06-03T18:18:00.001-04:00

Last night, prompted by family and a free ticket, I decided to visit Chicago. I packed a bag after work, ate dinner with my family and we all headed to the station. As I was running around my swagger wagon, leaning in to give kisses to all my boys, I grabbed one last thing. Well, two.

I didn't take the waterbottle rolling around on the floor. I didn't take my planner or the extra pen. No, there is not a chance those items will be useful to me. But if I decide to grab a cocktail with my brother tonight, the heels will be vital.

I think its funny that among the band-aids, diapers and wipes I keep in the car just in case, there are spare earrings, blank note cards and a pair of black and gold stilletos.

Emergency preparedness at its very finest.

Love from Thruway Bus 5555,

Tashmica

P.S. I am poking a little fun at myself. :)

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Dancing Grandmother

2011-06-02T22:02:00.000-04:00

It was my birthday. Yes it was. About a week and a half ago, I turned 31. You may remember my 30th birthday. Okay, you probably don't but I do. I love birthdays. I would celebrate just about anything if given the opportunity.
Paid a bill on time? You deserve a reward!
Last day of school? Celebratory big breakfast!
Pee pee in the potty? Yaay! *clapping hands*
(This one has trained the two year old to clap for any person going to the bathroom. It's pretty funny to watch him clap for his father.)

This year I decided about six weeks before my birthday to give up my dreams of repelling the Boji Tower and raise funds for Team Lansing. Instead, I decided to try and raise enough money build one grandmother house for a woman in southwest Uganda caring for AIDS orphans. So I created this page: http://wishes.causes.com/wishes/251302?bws=st

Meet Pauline! This is the grandmother who will be receiving the home we raise the funds to build in honor of my birthday.

Then I set my goal as $700.
Then I set my goal as $925
Then I set my goal as $1200

and finally,

I set my goal as $1900.
Thanks to the generosity of friends, family, a stranger or two and even a few anonymous donors, I ~~met~~ surpassed all four of my goals. After donations online and off were counted, we managed to raise more than $1900 for the Nyaka AIDS Orphans Project!

Everyone was really impressed with my fundraising skills. *doubled over laughter*
The truth is everyone was impressed with the amazingly generous people I surround myself with and so was I. I will never forget their support of this cause and the "Drinks" purchased on my behalf. It was an amazing experience and I will do something like it every year. I have recommended this method do every socially conscience person or innocent bystander as a way to do something good for the world.

Ever wonder what it looks like when a grandmother from Uganda dances with joy? Now you know. Check out that sturdy house behind her provided by the Nyaka AIDS Orphans Project through the support of the Stephen Lewis Foundation.

Happy Birthday to me. :)

Love,

Tashmica

P.S. That page is still accepting donations and you can also make donations directly to the Nyaka AIDS Orphans Project using their website www.nyakaschool.org.

P.S.S. This is only the tip of the iceberg. I still have more awesome stuff to recap about my birthday weekend.

Breaking the Wall Warning Gratuitous Derby Post

2011-05-29T21:29:00.031-04:00

This post is very gratuitous. I have other things to write about and I know you have things you would rather read about. However, as a new derby girl, I gotta say these videos kind of make me feel like a rock star.

Even if we were just running a drill.

Even if I see errors of my own.

Even if I decide to retire the gray leggings for the way my booty looks in them. (See tragic)

I still need to share them with you. You are a lucky duck. You do not have to sit and watch them forty-five times while discussing what I learned, how it applies and what I will do next time like my poor dear sweet family.

I am the girl with the yellow helmet....This note is for those of you who are truly color blind and may not notice that I am the only brown girl on the track.

Breaking the Wall

You might think by the title that I was able to break up a wall of skaters for my jammer. You would be wrong. This video is of me, cutting in towards her, missing and hitting the wall. It is not the first wall I have attempted to take out with my steely hitting skills and it will not be the last.

Look Ma, One Skate!

This video opens with a sweet one skate maneuver by Firecracker, who was so proud of herself, she threw in the jazz hands and a whoo! for free. Your welcome. Then Little Miss Cheeky gave a nice whip (just ask Cotton-Fire, camera crew and narrator) to Jenny Got Your Number.

Jam On It

This is a little thing Jenny Got Your Number and I, like to call a jamming drill. We were basically trying to skate through a pack of girls trying to stop us with the help of our own blockers. My girl Kendra was a booty blocking champ today.

Jenny Got My Number!

I love this one because it is a great example of what derby is for me. I cut in and hit Mya T Mouse who was practicing jamming. As I cut over to do it again, Jenny Got Your Number pushes me right off the track. I am high on the challenge. You do something well and then you totally miss the mark on the next one. We are at that sweet spot where love meets learning.

Enjoy the videos!

And while I am here, I may as well remind you to get your tickets to the upcoming SMACKalaureate: Lansing Derby Vixens vs. Mid-Michigan Derby Girls on June 11th at the Lansing Center from 6pm-9pm. A portion of the proceeds will benefit Gateway Community Services. Come see some Vixen action while supporting a great local cause.

See you there!

Love,

Nina Firecracker

P.S. XOXO to all my Fresh Meaties, Cotton-Fire, Hi-Def and Duhbullo Reffin for being so darn nifty at practice today. :)

Finding Beauty

2011-05-28T19:09:00.000-04:00

I have been busy. I have loads to share.

I gotta say though, that my busyness not only left me with loads to share but tons of loads to wash, dry and fold as well.

What can I say? This is the glamorous life.

My birthday hit us all like a Mack truck.

We celebrated. We reveled. We laughed. We danced. We raised money. As a finale, I participated in my first roller derby scrimmage. It was all good and I will definitely need to recap some of the high points. There were definitely some high as the sky points.

First, let me start with some rest.

Today I decided to place all of my energy and rest my heart completely in my home.

I was very domestic today. Even if my attempt to make homemade granola was thwarted by the grocery troll. You know, the little guy who steals the two cups of this or the tablespoon of that vitally necessary to make that thing you love. Jerk.

I managed to complete some things that were just nagging at me...or that I was avoiding by any means necessary. I also noticed about an hour into my morning the stale bread I had been saving for the ducks out by the river. It was a misty morning but warm enough for wellies and a walk. I folded just enough laundry to dress my children ~~appropriately~~ for a walk to the park.

Have you ever had a time, long or short, where you felt so busy you needed to make introductions with your family again. No? Yeesh, I have got to stop outing myself as the worst mother in the world.

Last weekend...there I go recapping for you already.

I needed some fresh air. I needed some time cultivating the simple and the quiet.

I have lived in Michigan 10 years now. I still get a little homesick but usually I cannot believe how blessed I am to live in such a beautiful place.

I caution you. I find beauty everywhere. I think the LBWL factory is strong stone art against the soft sway of the river.

Someone told me I need to get out more when I admitted that aloud during a conversation.

Oh well, one mans trash and all.

So, we stepped out for a nice walk.

We watched the risen spring river.

We found a field of wishes just begging to be made.

We had a few quiet ~~minutes~~ seconds.

We found ducks gorged on worms...that or even they don't want the stale ~~burnt toast~~ I saved for them.

We found places we forgot about while hiding from old man winter.

Levi ran up the hill...

and Isaac followed him down.

We even found time to stick it to the man.

I guess I just love where the world we built seems hidden by what God created. It's like we worked together to make something wonderful.

All of the boys making ready for one more splash down before heading home.

It was a peaceful, lovely time and my soul was better for it.

Wordless Wednesday: Crime Scene Investigation

2011-05-18T21:20:00.001-04:00

I am sorry for this one. My humor may be a little morbid but I found this moment to be ridiculously hilarious.

I came home from work to find our once giggly Elmo floating as if he had just drowned in our bathroom sink on an episode of CSI: Sesame Street. I laughed really hard and then I snapped a few crime scene photos for all to enjoy. I allege that it was the two year old, in the bathroom with the running tap that did this one in. As a side note, red is not Elmo's natural hue. The water was a little pink and I for one feel misled.

Happy Wednesday!

Working My Derrier On

2011-05-17T17:58:00.000-04:00

I would like to report that I have worked my Heineken off for the love of derby.

In fact, the opposite may always be true in this sport. I have actually worked my Heinekin on.

I swear it is growing from all of the skating, hopping and cutting. I was looking in the mirror the other day and have notices a marked improvement in the size and shape of my derrier. I am not complaining. It looks good on me....if I do say so myself.

I have finally completed my skills testing. I am a Vixen now. Not a baby Vixen or a toddler Vixen or a prepubescent Vixen. I am a full fledged, card carrying member of the Lansing Derby Vixens and it hurts so good. I have a very colorful bruise on my shoulder from my future derby wife Psycho Hose Beast (I will explain all of that later - think BFF with skates). I will be checking tonight for her half of that bruise.

Someone on the team was looking for the crutches that apparently have been passed between many team members today. I am pretty sure their is not pedicure in the world that can cure the callouses from my derby feet. It sounds crazy good to ask my husband if he has seen my purple tights. The grocery list now contains high protein chocolate milk, blister care and ace bandages. My most exciting purchase this week was a package of Gumball Toe Stops bought online by my girl Annie Oxident. I have a weekly date planned for the Dispatch and have begun to realize that nothing derby funny is funny anywhere else...as far as I can tell.

I do love this sport even if every week I get all nervous before practice thinking this is the week they are going to realize just how sucky I am and kick me off of this awesome team. Once I put on my skates I regain confidence, fall proudly and revel in my elbow pad Velcro scrapes with the people on my team.

I am addicted to the confidence I have in my body, my girls who help me Jam through a pack or line up to booty block and my team that works together to make every bout happen.

It is good to be a VIXEN.

Wordless Wednesday: Raiding the Fridge

2011-05-11T08:11:00.000-04:00

Something is a wry...

Levi?

What are you doing, you stinker!

You gotta keep both eyes on this one. :)

Experiences with Autism

2011-05-10T00:00:00.013-04:00

Today's guest post about Autism is written by Toni Langdon from Tickles and Timeouts. she brings her experiences working with children with Autism as a member of the social work field. If you have questions or comments, feel free to leave them for Toni here!

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My experience with autism has been very eye opening. Before I started a family, I worked in the social work field for a number of years. During this time, I worked with children with special needs including mostly children with Autism (often called PDD or the Autistic Spectrum) I believe I have a very unique perspective on this disorder.

First, I believe it is correctly named the ‘Autistic Spectrum’ because there is a huge variation of symptoms and abilities among the individuals affected by this disorder. Many children with autism are also diagnosed with other disorders including mental retardation, and/or anxiety disorders. Some are in wheelchairs or non verbal and yet others are very functional in daily life. But ALL of these individuals struggle with the ability to effectively communicate with others and most often struggle with sensory issues.

So, what can we learn from these individuals? There is some much I learned from my experience working with these children. First of all, I believe that we need to change our expectations and stop making everyone fit into the same mold. I found that the more I tried to change these individuals, the more aggression and frustration would result. SO, instead of trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, I changed my perspective and started accepting them for who they were and was pleasantly surprised by the decrease in aggression and frustration and increase in daily functioning.

Many parents and teachers of these individuals want so badly to have these children be “typical”, play with socially acceptable toys, and socialize appropriately among their peers. Unfortunately, many autistic children would rather do what they call “self stimulating” behaviors such as spinning or rocking (which calms their nervous system). The problem is these self stimulation behaviors draw a lot of attention and makes them appear very unusual and low functioning which is often not the case. What I began to understand was that the more you accepted and channeled these sensory needs, the better the outcome for the individual and those around them.

What do I love about these individuals? They are very real and straight forward. For instance, I had one student that got himself into trouble by telling a store owner “Sir, if I wanted to, I could take candy and run out of the store and you would never catch him.” His intention was not to steal but was just trying to state the point about his running ability! Needless to say, the store owner did not appreciate or understand this statement creating some social difficulties.

Getting to know these individuals with Autism really helped me to be more accepting of other people and to NEVER judge a book by its cover. If you would like to learn more about this very interesting disorder, I strongly recommend watching Claire Danes in the HBO movie ‘Temple Grandin’. My husband (who has no experience in the social work field) was absolutely blown away by this movie. I believe it’s a must see for everyone!

2011-05-09T22:11:00.001-04:00

It is spring time. It is time to draw back the curtains, open the windows and let the newly warmed breeze into our homes. My eyes are drawn to the beds of neglect all over my yard. It is time to get my hands dirty.

This month's Carnival of Natural Parenting is all about getting outside with your children. How do you encourage your children to explore the world around them?

Check out my guest post Teaching the Locusts to Garden on the Natural Parenting Network all about how I allow my children to ravage our family garden every year in the hopes of teaching them a greater lesson about how to treat the world. You may also visit my featured guest post by Toni Langdon from Tickles and Timeouts, Experiences with Autism.

As a side note, I have to report that my lessons must be working. My Mother's Day gift was pots of perennials and bags of mulch for my flower beds. Even if I did have to plant them all, due to scheduling and mommy guilt, the very same day I had an early morning derby practice. What kind of mother would I be if I left them to die on my porch as I entered the busyness of my week? We planted together and I smiled when I parked in my driveway greeted by the new blooms at the end of a long day.

I hope you were honored and blessed by your children on Mother's Day!

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Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

Get Out! — Momma Jorje gives reasons she doesn't think she gets outside enough and asks for your suggestions on making time for the outdoors.
How Does Your Garden Grow? — The ArtsyMama shares her love of nature photography.
We Go Outside — Amy at Peace 4 Parents describes her family's simple, experiential approach to encouraging appreciation of nature.
My Not-So-Green Thumb — Wolfmother confesses to her lack of gardening skills but expresses hope in learning alongside her son at Fabulous Mama Chronicles.
Enjoying Outdoors — Isil at Smiling like Sunshine describes how her children enjoy the nature.
Five Ideas to Encourage the Reluctant Junior Gardener — For the rare little ones who don't like to get their hands dirty, Dionna at Code Name: Mama offers tips for encouraging an early love of dirt (despite the mess).
Connecting to Nature — Mamapoekie shares how growing your own vegetable patch connects your child to nature and urges them to not take anything for granted.
The Farmer's Market Classroom — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction shares how the Farmer's Market has become her son's classroom.
Seeds — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment's hubby Ken shares his perspective on why gardening with their kiddos is so important . . . and enjoyable!
Toddlers in the Garden — Laura at A Pug in the Kitchen shares her excitement as she continues to introduce her toddler and new baby to the joys of fresh veggies, straight from the garden.
Nature's Weave — MJ at Wander Wonder Discover explains how nature weaves its way into our lives naturally, magnetically, experientially, and spiritually.
Becoming Green — Kristina at Hey Red celebrates and nurtures her daughter's blossoming love of the outdoors.
Little Gardener — Rosemary at Rosmarinus Officinalis looks forward to introducing her baby girl to gardening and exploring home grown foods for the first time.
Cultivating Abundance — You can never be poor if you have a garden! Lucy at Dreaming Aloud reflects on what she cultivates in her garden . . . and finds it's a lot more than seeds!
Growing in the Outdoors: Plants and People — Luschka at Diary of a First Child reflects on how she is growing while teaching her daughter to appreciate nature, the origins of food, and the many benefits of eating home-grown.
How Not to Grow — Anna at Wild Parenting discusses why growing vegetables fills her with fear.
Growing in the Outdoors — Lily at Witch Mom Blog talks about how connecting to the natural world is a matter of theology for her family and the ways that they do it.
A Garden Made of Straw — Kelly at Becoming Crunchy shares tips on making a straw bale garden.
The Tradition of Gardening — Carrie at Love Notes Mama reflects on the gifts that come with the tradition of gardening.
Gardening Smells Like Home — Bethy at Bounce Me to the Moon hopes that her son will associate home grown food and lovely flowers with home.
The New Normal — Patti at Jazzy Mama writes about how she hopes that growing vegetables in a big city will become totally normal for her children's generation.
Outside, With You — Amy at Anktangle writes a letter to her son, a snapshot of a moment in the garden together.
Farmer Boy — Abbie at Farmer's Daughter shares how her son Joshua helps to grow and raise their family's food.
Growing Kids in the Garden — Lisa at Granola Catholic shares easy ways to get your kids involved in the garden.
Growing Food Without a Garden — Don't have a garden? "You can still grow food!" says Mrs Green of Little Green Blog. Whatever the size of your plot, she shows you how.
Growing Things — Liz at Garden Variety Mama shares her reasons for gardening with her kids, even though she has no idea what she's doing.
Moments — UK Mummy Blogger explains how the great outdoors provides a backdrop for her family to reconnect.
Condo Kid Turns Composter and Plastic Police — Jessica from Cloth Diapering Mama has discovered that her young son is a true earth lover despite living in a condo with no land to call their own.
Gardening with Baby — Sheila at A Gift Universe shows us how her garden and her son are growing.
Why to Choose Your Local Farmer's Market — Naturally Nena shares why she believes it's important to teach our children the value of local farmers.
Unfolding into Nature — At Crunchy-Chewy Mama, Jessica Claire shares her desire to cultivate a reverence for nature through gardening, buying local food, and just looking out the window.
Urban Gardening With Kids — Lauren at Hobo Mama shares her strategies for city gardening with little helpers — without a yard but with a whole lot of enthusiasm.
Mama Doesn't Garden — Laura at Our Messy Messy Life is glad her husband is there to instill the joys of gardening in their children, while all she has to do is sit back and eat homegrown tomato sandwiches.
Why We Make this Organic Garden Grow — Brenna at Almost All The Truth shares her reasons for gardening with her three small children.
5 Ways to Help Your Baby Develop a Love of the Natural World — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama believes it's never too early to foster a love of the natural world in your little one.
April Showers Bring May PRODUCE — Erika at NaMammaSte discusses her plans for raising a little gardener.
Growing Outside — Seonaid at The Practical Dilettante discovers how to get her kids outside after weeks of spring rain.
Eating Healthier — Chante at My Natural Motherhood Journey talks about how she learns to eat healthier and encourages her children to do the same.
The Beauty of Earth and Heavens — Inspired by Charlotte Mason, Erica at ChildOrganics discovers nature in her own front yard.
Seeing the Garden Through the Weeds — Amanda at Let's Take the Metro talks about the challenges of gardening with two small children.
Creating a Living Playhouse: Our Bean Teepee! — Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings shares how her family creates a living playhouse "bean teepee" and includes tips of how to involve kids in gardening projects.
Grooming a Tree-Hugger: Introducing the Outdoors — Ana at Pandamoly shares some of her planned strategies for making this spring and summer memorable and productive for her pre-toddler in the Outdoors.
Sowing Seeds of Life and Love — Suzannah at ShoutLaughLove celebrates the simple joys of baby chicks, community gardening, and a semi-charmed country life.
Experiencing Nature and Growing Plants Outdoors Without a Garden — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares some of her favorite ways her family discovered to fully experience nature wherever they lived.
Garden Day — Melissa at The New Mommy Files is thankful to be part of community of families, some of whom can even garden!
Teaching Garden Ettiquette to the Locusts — Tashmica from Mother Flippin' (guest posting at Natural Parents Network) allows her children to ravage her garden every year in the hopes of teaching them a greater lesson about how to treat the world.
Why I Play with Worms. — Megan of Megadoula, Megamom and Megatired shares why growing a garden and raising her children go hand in hand.