Exploring Grief Using Radical Creativity

Creative Prompt: touch on beauty

noreply@blogger.com (Kara Chipoletti Jones) — Tue, 22 May 2012 09:04:00 +0000

"You do not need to close pain in order to live life again. It would be scary if you believed that joy would not come again until grief is over. You would want to do whatever it takes to find 'closure.' Framing grief beyond closure requires language, rituals, and public understanding that it is possible to hold joy and grief together. You do no need to rush through grief in order to have joy again. Until people learn to carry both grief and joy at the same time, we will continue to support cultural narratives that shorten the expected grieving period."

~Nancy Berns, "Closure: the rush to end grief and what it costs us"

Really enjoying Berns' book, and this quote in particular toward the end really just screamed out at me. I would say that you could say the same thing substituting the word/ concept of beauty for joy also. The idea that we could never see beauty again until we had "closure" on grief would be terrifying for me which is exactly why 13.5 years ago, I began writing about LAYERED living instead of stages that are linear and end in some kind of "closure."

In the darkest moments, I practice what Miriam Greenspan calls the "alchemy of despair" by sitting with it, being in the moment and aiming to hear it, learn from it, see what it is showing me. But when it is time for me bounce out of that OR concurrent with sitting in the dark, I sometimes crave just a touch on beauty to remind me again of this quote from Greenspan in her Healing Through The Dark Emotions book:

"Tell yourself: What I'm feeling is despair. It's an emotion, not an incurable condition or a final destination. I can tolerate this emotional energy and hang in there with it. If I pay attention and let it be, it will move me to a new place."

Touching on beauty in the darkest moments helps me remember the despair isn't the final stop on the Journey. Beauty in the dark reminds me the Journey is cyclical, reminds me that precisely because it is darkness, I can see the light sparking in my heart.

A really practical example of this happened in my world this week. I've been wrestling despair for a couple weeks now. Just behind my computer on my desk, I used to have strings of holiday lights in the shape of a heart, but the strings were going dead one by one. It was a depressing thing to flip the switch and see most of them out -- though it was a reflection of how very OUT I myself have been feeling. As each string dimmed, I felt the fallow of my heart.

Hawk saw this happening and went looking for a new string of lights as a gift for me. He found these beautiful thin, clear stringed lights that are led and long lasting, energy savers and yet bright bright. When they arrived, he helped me put them up. They are perfect. But when we were done, he had me walk out of the room into the very darkest dark of the house, and then slowly walk into my studio to see them anew. In the very darkest dark, there was a touch of beauty. The heART of lights don't fix everything, don't get rid of all the dark, but their touch on beauty is enough for me to keep going today. They are present right along side my fallow.

Grief is like this, too. Grief does not happen mutually exclusive to holidays or joy or beauty. Grief happens right along side Christmas or Mothers Day. Right along side a concert in the park or a trip to the water park. Right along side a walk in the woods or on the beach. We live in a pluralist society. We are capable of complex experiences and thoughts. We ought to be able to hold the concept of "grief AND..." -- yet, in our pop culture, therapeutic culture, social context, politics, and more, we seek "closure" so we can be done with grief and "move on" to whatever is dictated as "normal" again.

I love that Berns uses the language like this: "...Framing grief beyond closure..."!!! That is exactly what I've been writing about, working in art, exploring with creative prompts for the last 13.5 years. We *must* frame grief beyond the limitations of "closure" if we are truly going to be present and emotionally available, not to mention emotionally intelligent, for ourselves, our loved ones, our world.

So your prompt for today: Let yourself feel the dark or be in the fallow *AND* notice were beauty touches down at the same time, in the same moments. Let yourself see how this is all concurrent. Let yourself be WHOLE!

As always, feel free to leave comment here with write up or links to your own creative experiments that come from this prompt!

Miracles,
k-

Sometimes it's too much to look straight on...

noreply@blogger.com (Kara Chipoletti Jones) — Mon, 21 May 2012 02:11:00 +0000

Nice little lesson from today's solar eclipse. I never did get the viewing glasses for us to be able to see the eclipse, so it was too much for us to look at straight on and I was very frustrated by that fact. I was reminded that this is much like it is difficult to look at grief straight on which also frustrates me. So I stood outside looking toward the sun, trying desperately to see something without going blind. Finally, I gave up and turned back toward the house to stomp away and was stopped in my tracks.

The sun and shadows that normally stream against the door and brick of the house with huge intensity, were suddenly eclipse shaped and soft in color. But looking at the it all in an alternative way -- much like we use creativity to view grief askew -- I was finally able to see something, to touch on a bit of the beauty without going blind.

Many thanks to my lovely hubby for taking pics for me!

xoxoxooxoxox
k-

Allowing the process...

noreply@blogger.com (Kara Chipoletti Jones) — Fri, 18 May 2012 12:20:00 +0000

Being alive is weird. Who knows, maybe being dead is weird, too? But all I know (or re-call) so far is being alive, and it is weird. I couldn't tell you exactly why and how and what it was the built up to my implosion into a pile of ashes a week ago. I had already been in the process of trying to push things back, re-schedule, take more time. But apparently by last Friday night, I had not done enough because I utterly imploded.

Since then, it has been a process of allowing the process. Letting myself say what I need. Letting myself push back more things, re-schedule more things, sleep A LOT more than I think I woulda, coulda, shoulda, and allowing myself to just rest when I am awake. Allowing the process is not easy, I might add! Geesh. Every moment my mind rolls over all that woulda, coulda, shoulda be done. Emails, messages, calls, to-do lists, responses, acknowledgments, and just the normal stuff of being alive and engaged in work and life and family and friends. But it feels much like it did early in grief when another bereaved mom sent me this phrase and definition for our Dictionary of Loss:

Circling cleaning, v. 1. You stand up, turn in a circle while observing and commenting on all that needs to be cleaned, then sit back down totally exhausted, without having touched a single thing. Can be applied to bill paying, cooking, writing Thank You notes, returning phone calls, etc.

Even in my heART-works this week, you can see the reflection of this. (See images above.) My zentangle is circles of circles -- all unfinished. The mixed media (more playing with encaustic on cardboard) is sort of done, but the body of the figure is limb-less, head-less, unfinished. Allowing myself to just be in process with the art helps in some ways to allow me to be in process with everything else, too. To see and work with the figure who is incomplete -- to allow myself to be head-less and limb-less -- to just be a part of the set without having to DO anything.

Another interesting lesson along the way -- and maybe this is really a lesson I'm re-learning because it seems very familiar. Since I've been just allowing the process to unfold without trying to correct or control it, I've found myself awake at weird hours, sleeping weird hours, working odd hours, being out in the world at times I'm not usually out there. But here's the interesting thing: when I'm awake or working or out there, I've found that others of my friends are randomly out there, awake, working, playing, connecting at those same weird hours. It got me thinking that maybe "normal" is the myth. Maybe we are all more weird than we like to admit. Maybe I have actually created a life with people around me who are also allowing the process, too.

Anyway, as part of allowing the process, I'm also considering what else I want shifted as I re-surface. Don't know that I have the answers to what it looks like, but I want more sloooooooooow time and I want more fun. A friend of mine is on vacation, and she recently posted something about how there is no better thing than waking first thing in the morning and going for a swim before you do anything else. She then made a to-do list for herself that said things like: work hard, make a boat load of money, move to a tropical location, swim first thing in the morning every morning. It got me thinking. Why is it that a slow and meaningful life full of self-care has to be tied to the heavy rocks of of "hard" and "money"?? Why is it that only a certain class of people can buy the ability to swim first thing in the morning? I'm putting that out there to Easy World to see what reflections come back. I'm putting it out there to ask why, in my childhood memories, it was only summers spent with aunties and uncles in Florida that allowed me time to swim, to start my days with swimming? Why can't that be an everyday life? Why is it that the people I know who actually have the option to swim everyday, don't bother? Easy World might hold different answers for me than Difficult World has been giving me in the lead up to my implosion to ashes last week.

We'll see. I'm just floating at the moment. Body floating. Floating it all out there. Letting the tide carry me instead of fighting the river. Here's to allowing the process!

Reiki out to one and all -- for wherever you are in your process!
Miracles,
k-

Watery reflections...

noreply@blogger.com (Kara Chipoletti Jones) — Mon, 14 May 2012 07:00:00 +0000

Above: the trail to Buddha Beach...

This past week has just sucked. There were too many straws on the camel's back. But many things were learned. For instance, when doing work I hate doing or when in situations where I feel like someone's secretary, I can be pretty damn mean. Mean, even to people I love. Insight: Stop doing the things I hate doing or putting myself in situations where I feel like a secretary instead of a partner. In some ways, that is very plain and simple. In other ways, there is a bit of mourning for me around it because it means letting go of some things. I hate disappointing people. But I also am learning the lesson again and again:

Just because you are capable of doing something, doesn't mean doing that thing is your calling!

And especially when I learn that I've hurt feelings of people I love by straying from the calling and doing just because I can do -- well, that's a big red flag. Let the grief roll in, feel the sadness and the release, and try try again to do better by everyone involved -- loved ones, friends, co-creators and self included.

There is the added complication of Mother's Day. I get a little touchy around this time of year in general, but also feel called to speak out on things like the history and real meaning of mom's day. This year when I first posted out about it, I somehow snagged into a little trail of haters! I began getting nasty-ish emails and comments on posts I shared with my artwork and article about it. Another one too many straws. Initially set me to wondering why the heck I bother, to needing more time figure out how to process (ie, release/ delete, not engage, not take in the hate), to scurrying to make sure people I care about hadn't had their feelings hurt, etc. That was somewhat course corrected by hearing back that feelings weren't hurt and hearing from others who appreciated the efforts and shared forward.

Insight: Really, really just need to speak my piece (peace) and let go any expectation of anything, one way or other or anywhere in between. Almost a practice of not taking on any of it -- the haters nor the fans. Either way, those are just people's own reactions, interpretations, and whatever works for them. But either way consumer/ reader might go, it makes no difference to my just continuing to plod along doing my piece (peace).

Finally, toward the end of the week after a complete meltdown with my infinitely (and unimaginably) patient husband, he just said, "Let's get out of here and disengage with all this!" We spent time with friends talking about all the things that spark time for me -- love and grief; disenfranchisement and re-member-ing; stepping out of the time that is so called "normal" for the rest of the world. Jojo reminded me again and again that nothing drastic will happen if I just step out of the time space continuum and do what I need to do to stay sane. Extremely valuable lesson there.

So Hawk and I set out to do a few different sanity-keeping-activities, including a stroll down at Sheep's Crossing. We met up with a couple of tourists here from Florida and Iowa and we all exchanged photo taking opportunities :) So for once, Hawk and I actually have a photo of us together! :)

Saw lots of cool stuff on the trail today. Snake, lizard, HUGE black beetle, several hummingbirds -- and even their nest!! And loooookie!!! Horses wading into the creek to cool off! I only snagged this one, but there were three of them. So beautiful. The other two were riding bare back, and horses were just humongo big. It was fun to see.

We sat for a long time on either end of the trail. Down at Buddha Beach. Up at the trail head with the view above of the old farm structure and the red rocks towering. The wind was blowing. The sun was bright, but so not roasting. The water was cold and lovely. Hawk has officially declared that Sheep's Crossing is his favorite part of Sedona, and he even wants to see if we can find a house down in the canyon down there to move to soon. We'll see. I told him to hang on though, coz he hasn't seen or played at Slide Rock yet, which I think he'll love, too. :)

And then last but sooooo NOT least... end of the week, weekend, day... Hawk took me for a surprise. Photo above: You can see I wear the stamped family rings as my wedding ring now (far left). On the far right, the big purple stone one with the feather in silver is my 13th wedding anniversary ring Hawk got for me. And then today, surprise waiting for me to find it: the middle amethyst ring, from all my boys, Hawk, Kota, and Zuzu. :) I am sooooooooooooooo in love with it! And if the boys keep it up, I will eventually have a ring on every finger which is something I've always wanted to sport -- since high school, I think -- but have just never done it for some reason. It's a silly thing, I know. But man. After the killers this past week and the nuclear meltdown after all the straws broke my back, well, silly is just about on target.

Here's hoping you had a gentle Mom's Day -- and heck, that each day is gentle for you. Pepper the gentle with a little silly and some permissions from good friends and loved ones to go your own pace -- and wa-la! Maybe I/ you/ we can endure this world a bit longer!
Miracles,
k-

For Mother's Day

noreply@blogger.com (Kara Chipoletti Jones) — Sun, 13 May 2012 20:07:00 +0000

Click to read:
Real meaning & history of Mother's Day (kotapress article)

Bereaved Mothers: the hardest job of all (Dr. Jo's blog)

Honoring All Mothers (ideas for coping and way to honor Mother's Day when bereaved - MISS Foundation)

Supporting bereaved families in honor of Mother's Day (MISS Foundation)

Creative Prompt: I kissed grief, and...

noreply@blogger.com (Kara Chipoletti Jones) — Fri, 04 May 2012 07:00:00 +0000

Inspired by Rumi, this prompt asks you to consider what words, images, or movements would complete the statement, "I kissed grief, and..." Click the video below to view this prompt:

Miracles,
k-

heART in Wax...on cardboard

noreply@blogger.com (Kara Chipoletti Jones) — Thu, 03 May 2012 07:00:00 +0000

More experimenting with scraps of cardboard as my canvas. Loving the base texture it gives. The piece is a mix of acrylic, india ink, watercolor, stamper ink, handcarved stamps, collage pieces added using encaustic process. I looooooooooooooooooooooooove the beeswax! It's just icing on a cake.

All these experiments are part of working my way through several books: Suzi Blu's Mixed Media Girls, Collage Couture by Nutting, Flavor of Mixed Media by Shaw, True Vision by Ludwig, and Creative Time & Space by Freeman-Zachery. All have GEMS within if you are looking for inspirations, how-to's, new views.

After I work my way through all the cardboard pieces, I'll sit down and do scans of each so I can share the real colors and textures of each. My camera just doesn't capture stuff right. Anyway, be on the lookout for those at some later date.

In the meantime, we are still in the middle of our $1,300 in 13 Days campaign. So who of you would like to be part of the solution instead of the phobia in our world? Who would like to support strong, healthy families? In any amount from $5 to $500 -- or heck, blow us out of the water and give $5,000!! See our Team page for details -- and for information about the REAL history of Mothers Day:

http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/teammikota/kindness-walk-phoenix-az-2012

Miracles,
k-

I want to be like you because everything you do is inspiring...

noreply@blogger.com (Kara Chipoletti Jones) — Wed, 02 May 2012 07:00:00 +0000

Today's blog post is a confluence of many things that have unfolded in the last week or so. One thing that happened was an exchange with another bereaved mother where by she told me something like this:

I want to be like you because everything you do is inspiring...

All I could think in response was, first, thank you, but second, oh dear gawd, you have no idea how very often I am sooooo NOT inspiring! You have no idea how often I scream and stomp and throw things around the house and curse like a sailor till my poor husband is blushing (and this man does not blush!).

Here's the thing: what you all get to see, for the most part, are my moments of inspiration, but there is a whole life of practice going on behind all that, which, well, for the most part, I guess you don't see.

Another thing that happened, leading me to share this post was another exchange where a fellow traveler shared that she couldn't believe I have it so together to do all that I do. Again, all I could think was, first, thank you, but second, oh dear gawd, you have no idea what a mess is behind this curtain and how very many many many pieces are sooo NOT together!

I know you've all heard me say it a million times, but TRULY I tell you, out loud and in the open:

It is sooooooo a practice and NOT a perfect!!

My every day is a practice at this life game. Really, I'm telling you. I practice at making art instead of indulging in self-destructive addictions. I practice at tonglen and long breathing meditation sessions instead of ripping off heads and cursing down people's throats. I practice at getting on my bike and riding till my knees hurt instead of kicking holes in walls until my feet bleed and the landlady kicks us out. I practice at making openings and opportunities in every single space where someone shuts something down in my face.

Really. Truly. I'm telling you. It is an EV-ER-Y-SINGLE-DAY practice.

I'll give you two other examples:

In the course of my days, either I or people I love or work with hear things constantly from publishers and media about how there is no audience for bereavement materials. It is the most fricking absurd thing on the planet. This rock in space is populated with mortal beings. WE WILL ALL DIE -- even if those with the power, connections, and money would like to live in denial -- they, too, will eventually die. And everything they love that is alive -- dead, yes, they, too, will die! The whole freaking world is the audience. It's absurd to think or promote otherwise.

And yet, we continue to hear it over and over and over again. Many of the people I encounter are absolutely BEAT DOWN with it. It's shameful -- and I don't use that word lightly because I don't like to perpetuate shame stuff. But it is. Shame on anyone who looks a bereaved person in the face and says to them, "Your experience means so little that there is no audience for you." That's disgusting and harmful behavior. I do a LOOOOOT of tonglen around this issue, and try the best I can to help others find a way to create openings and opportunities in all the spaces where others shut them down. But that does not mean I am always inspirational in spirit about it. Often I am angry. An-GRRREEE. Practice, practice, practice.

The other example is this:

The reality is that death comes for us all. Some, however, are lucky enough to be the ones to die first, so they never know what it is like to have LIVE WITH DEATH after someone you love has died. Unfortunately, many people in positions of power and funding fall into this category. So in the work I do myself, with others, and with other organizations, I hear crap like this over and over and over again:

Child death is not sexy.
We can't sell child death.
We don't know how to put a happy face on funding child death.
Just thinking about child death makes me ill.
We're doing something different this year. We're focusing on wellness.

OMG. No, seriously. I'm not kidding you here. This poo is real. It takes a LOT of tonglen practice for me to not simply turn to these folks and say things like, "Well aren't you fricking lucky that you have a CHOICE to look at child death or not!? Bereaved families living lives after the death of a child HAVE NO FRICKING CHOICE." Practice, practice, practice. It is NOT easy or inspirational most days.

But here's the thing: child death is a reality. It is not going to end. There are newly bereaved families every single day. And in order for them to bounce, to be resilient and come back to healthy, fully functioning, creative lives -- THEY NEED SUPPORT!!!!!!! They just fricking do. It is proven time and time again in research, on ground, in our very lives, that the most resilient, strong families are the ones who have the support and connections they need after their child dies. Those who are met with isolation, denial, or a "time to move on" attitude get stuck.

DOING THIS SUPPORT WORK *IS* WELLNESS!!!!!

Seriously. The March of Dimes, local hospitals doing info fairs, and other supposed "support" orgs have turned away local grief groups saying they were not hosting tables for grief groups at this year's events because they are focusing on wellness this year. SERIOUSLY???? What h*ll is good, supportive grief process BUT WELLNESS????? And hellllllooo??? Do you really think that ALL your NICU families are lucky enough to leave the hospital with their children alive? They are NOT. What could possibly be the reason for dissing your families who end up bereaved?

I'll tell you why funders, grantors, sponsors, and other "support" orgs do this: because they can't sell death in our phobic society.

Organizations and hospitals are trying to hang onto their funding.
Foundations and grantors don't give their money to bereavement orgs because the people who fund them will pull out if they have to face the reality of death.

It's bullsheet. But there is it. And I see it every single day.

So, no, I am BY FAR sooooo NOT perfect, together, or always inspirational. I'm honored to have spaces where I can speak and share and connect via my inspirational moments. I'm touched that you feel connected to me and want to be in touch and know each other and feel inspired in your own work via our connection. But please please please know that there is no pedestal under me or the work I do. Rather my foundation is one of kicking and screaming and throwing things -- and then practicing alternative options to those initial responses. Trying to learn from my flaws, find ways to keep connecting AND still speak the truth I see.

Practice, practice, practice.

You ARE like me. No. Check that. YOU ARE ME! I'm practice. Your practice. It's all a practice, not a perfect.

You have permission to let go the stuff of "perfection" and embrace the practice!
Miracles to you!
k-

PS: Want to be part of the solution? Consider joining our Team in support of the MISS Foundation and the real history of Mothers Day by visiting:

https://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/teammikota/kindness-walk-phoenix-az-2012

Thank you's!

noreply@blogger.com (Kara Chipoletti Jones) — Tue, 01 May 2012 07:46:00 +0000

Thank you's!

Would you look at that grinning skellie?? I went to the post box today and discovered a beautiful little package with a pair of these turquoise-ie skellies inside from my fantabulous co-creator Cath from The Creative Grief Coaching Studio. Sending out a big thank you and BIG LOOOOVE to you, Cath...these skellies make my ears dance :)

And more thank you's on the Creative Grief Coaching Studio side of things: As we are wrapping up our inaugural class, we are getting the most wonderful feedback, validation, and ideas for improvements from our participants. I cannot thank each of you enough for opening your hearts and heads and BEINGS to so fully participate with us these last three months. I'm so excited to see your certification pieces come in the door for assessment, so I can then see you all hanging out your "Certified Creative Grief Coach" shingles! So proud of you all!

And more thank you's to the incoming class for September 2012 at the Studio. Looks like we'll have a full class of 20 this time around, and such rich diversity of life and death and experience. Cath and I are just as excited as you are to get to work with you and get to know you better as the Fall season unfolds for all of us with this course session. And a big thank you, too, to the three folks who've already applied, been accepted, and confirmed your spots for February 2013!!! We're so honored that you all are this interested and committed to participating!!

Miracles,
k-

Creative Prompt: pouring out grief

noreply@blogger.com (Kara Chipoletti Jones) — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 07:00:00 +0000

Inspired by Mister Rogers Neighborhood, this creative prompt asks you to consider scooping up a cup of grief and pouring it out to see what you discover about this different perspective of your grief experience. Click the video below to watch this prompt:

Miracles,
k-

Creative prompt: birds nest of grief

noreply@blogger.com (Kara Chipoletti Jones) — Sat, 28 Apr 2012 07:00:00 +0000

What do you find when you look at the weave of your grief nest? What does your grief nest look like if you weave it, draw it, describe it? Click video below to watch this prompt:

Miracles,
k-

Blooms and blossoms...

noreply@blogger.com (Kara Chipoletti Jones) — Fri, 27 Apr 2012 05:56:00 +0000

Will have to do scans eventually to capture the actual colors and details of each of the new pieces. But these two (above and below) are just playing with multi-media on plain old cardboard. We had a stack of boxes just sitting here, so I diced them up with my exacto knife, gesso'd the holy cannoli out of them to create a base, and then just played and played and played.

It's also sooooooooooooooo Spring Time here. We had crazy rain and thunder storms today. And everything in the yard looooooves it. All the flowers and trees are bloomed and blossomed. Snagged a few images (below) -- nothing extraordinary, but just because I'm still always surprised by the amount of color and bloom that happens here in the desert!

Enjoy!
Miracles,
k-

Creative Prompt: approaching beauty

noreply@blogger.com (Kara Chipoletti Jones) — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 06:24:00 +0000

Even in the darkest, most grief filled moments, approaching beauty, even in an itty bitty way, can help us to tend the broken open human heart. Click video below to see this prompt:

Miracles!
k-

Creative Prompt: Lemon Queen and other dreams...staying motivated

noreply@blogger.com (Kara Chipoletti Jones) — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 01:48:00 +0000

First a few Sharings:

Lemon Queen is the last layout in my Art House Journal for the Limited Edition. I think I like playing with ephemera for clothes on the GRRRRRLs. Been playing with that in digital format, but this is one of only a very few I've done in paper and acrylic, you know? She's the last layout in the journal, but I think I'll play more with the concept on chipboard and canvas next. I'm still also pondering paper ephemera stuff with Day of the Dead skellies. We'll see what unfolds.

Below is the finished -- or almost finished -- cover, front and back, of the Art House Journal. I've let it all sit out and dry thoroughly for a day already. Letting it sit under a stack of books today to try and flatten out the waves on multi-layered pages. Tomorrow is scanning day. I want to get high res scans of each page/layout to use for prints and such since I won't be getting this journal back after sending it into the Brooklyn library.

I shared the Ballet in Wax GRRRRRRL the other day, but here's another shot showing the full layout of that spread of pages. It's one of those layers upon layers experiments. I thought I was doing one thing with it, but then didn't like how it turned out in the end. So I used the white paint pen to make circle pebbles around the colors I likeded and then filled in the page with cover color to hide what I didn't like. Ah well, it's a practice, not a perfect!

I also showed the spread below previously, too, but I added some final touches after the oil paintstik colors dried. Plus there is a close up below to show you how cool the oil paintstiks are -- you can scrape through them when still wet to make patterns and textures. I'm digging it and can't wait to play more with them. I just need to get a few bristle brushes that are more stiff...most of the brushes I have now are soft. They are great for watercolor or fluid acrylic, but they just can't even pick up the pigment off the paintstiks. So bristle brush hunt begins :)

Last photo share below is a little THANK YOU and love for Suzie over at http://suzieridler.blogspot.com who made me the magic amulets and to Deborah who made me the love touchstone before I left Vashon. These are now hanging on my dreamboard surrounded by YES as a little reminder and spell for tending the creative fire that has been burning here for the last year or so.

And then moving on to the more Creative Prompt side of things:

I had to laugh at myself the other day when someone asked about some of the offerings I've put out in the world this past year. I replied that this all would continue as long as there is interest in it and/or as long as I draw breath! I think the latter is more like it. As long as I draw breath...

In chatting with another friend about that idea, she asked how I stay motivated. She wondered if I have bad days, if I procrastinate ever, and did I ever sleep? :) First of all, that was an interesting perspective to get because I often feel sooooooo *not* productive. My to-do list and ideas list never get smaller, only grow and grow.

Second, omgosh YES, I totally still have bad days. Days where I just feel awful and hate the world. It's just part of the human cycle, I think. I used to think there was something wrong with me. That I had to do more self-development work to get perfect and happy all the time. But the more self-development play I do, the more I learn (and I know you're sick of hearing me say it, but) it's a practice, not a perfect. Discouragement comes, I often see stuff from others and compare and that drops my energy. I sometimes witness the mean and nasty of life and just hate everyone. I used to think all this made ME bad. I know now, it just makes that particular moment FEEL ick. And there is much I can do -- when I'm ready to drop the ick -- to, well, drop the ick. Here are a few things that work for me personally:

Get my butt to the floor or cushion and do a round or two of Tonglen
Open a bottle of Bergamot oil and sniff sniff sniff
Take a nice long (hot or cold depending on time of year) shower
Get immersed in water at a swimming pool -- though that one is a luxury usually
Go out on the stoop and sit in the sunlight or moonlight and listen -- I actually prefer the moonlight sometimes as there tends to be no one around then, so I don't have to fend off energy of others, you know?
Move for 15 minutes. Walk. Ride. Or put on the Glee soundtrack, sing as loud as I can (out of tune, of course) and boogie for 15.

Third, procrastination. Hello?? Yes, soooo still an issue. Sometimes, if I can be awake enough to listen to myself, I can hear that procrastination is really an intuition that now is not the time yet for this or that. But often procrastination is an indicator of something else for me. A red flag that whatever I'm trying to force myself to do, is not really something that is part of my calling. I mean it is something I'm capable of doing, I volunteered to do, or I'm doing it for the "work" part of my life. But it isn't always part of my *Calling*. I shift that whenever I can to re-align. Sometimes possible, sometimes not. Other times procrastination is really just an indicator that I am BURNT OUT! When that is the case, I really HAVE to listen or it just gets worse. Here's are a few things that work for me in these cases:

Just take a nap. Doesn't matter that it is lunch time or whatever time someone else would think inappropriate for napping. Just take your butt to the couch and nap!
Take out a stack of my most colorful and fun heART books like 1000 Journals, True Vision, Generation T, Creative is a Verb, Journal Bliss, Mixed Media Girls, or Day of the Dead Crafts -- and just pour over the pages, drink in the colors, pay attention to the details. So many sparks there.
Definitely get away from the computer. It often helps the burn out aspect if I get out of my studio and tend the other parts of my life. Clean up the kitchen and make a yum meal. Sort the laundry and hand wash my fun fun fun-est day of the dead t-shirt. Even cleaning up the bathroom, now that I've learned how to make my own vinegar and citrus cleaners so I don't get sick on chemicals! After the bathroom is all sparkly, it makes me look in the mirror and want to sparkle up myself sometimes. Take a shower, wash my face, color my hair, whatever.

Lastly, sleep. Well, those of you who know me, know that I have a touch of the vampire in me. It's true that sometimes sleep just doesn't come for me. I can get flat and do relaxation of the whole bod, but never fall to sleep. Yes, I've tried calm fortes and melatonin and lavender and even unisom. But the truth is that if I *have* to knock out because I *have* to get up for something the next day, the only thing that works is Dramamine! And I don't much like how it feels on me the next day. So for the most part, I've created a creative life where I can just take sleep when it comes. Doesn't mean I don't work and play the same amount of hours you do...just I do it at odd times. Doesn't mean that I don't eventually crash for 8 hours, too, just I do it at odd times. So, yes, I do sleep. Just sometimes at odd hours...sometimes in short bursts of 3 hours at a go instead of 8 or whatever.

For the most part, that doesn't hinder my motivation at all. I can do all kinds of things online in the wee hours. I can even meet up for Skype tea dates with friends who live on the other side of the planet, so my wee hours are their afternoons -- that's always fun :) Most customer service place like phone lines, banks, and post offices have spaces open till 7pm or something, so I may not be running errands at 9am, but the errands still get done late in the day. We can meet friends for dinner and movie -- just happens to be my first meal of the day sometimes! Grocery stores are open till 9pm or midnight, even, so that just happens whenever it needs to happen. I can ride the stationary bike or sit on meditation cushion right here in my own studio, so doesn't matter if the pool is closed when I'm read to move. (And at that, for those who are really motivated there are 24 hour fitness places now!!) And you know, sometimes the whole thing flips around and sleep gets me at 7pm...in which case I'm up at 4am and will be the first in line at the bank at 9am :) It's just become a practice of rolling with it.

I'm grateful to have crafted a life where it is possible for me to just follow my body that way. It wasn't always possible when the kids were young and/or we were working the corporate monkey work. I was a pretty miserable being in the bad old school days when you had to eat at 11:30 every day coz that's when the bell rang! Once I got to college and learned to deconstruct, Foucault style, I could see that school bells and factory/company or sunrise/sunset schedules and all that jazz are just constructs that were built for the industrial age and/or the agrarian life. Once I could see that there actually are bakers and nurses and doctors and store stockers and actors and nightclub performers and a whole other side of life that is on a different schedule, well, then I began to see my life as it IS -- instead of as something broken or wrong or in need of fixing.

Again, this is all just me personally. I cannot say what will work for you. I offer it all just as a glimpse for the ways I work differently than most, for how I stay motivated even though I'm a bit outside the "norm," for sharing how I tend when I feel ick or when grief grabs me.

So for you, here's your creative prompt:
Stop and consider your dreams and how you stay motivated.

Don't let the "norm" or other people's definitions of life, making a living, good, bad, healthy, normal, abnormal, grief, dream -- don't let other people's definitions of those things bog you down. If another person's way of being inspires you, GREAT! Then pour over their example, drink in the color of the life they lead, and glean what you can from that model to make adjustments in your own path. But if another person's way of being causes you guilt, shame, or feelings of inadequacy, RUN the other way.

Make a list or drawing or collage of images or words or sketches that illustrate what your dreams are -- be bold, don't hold back, let the BIG dreams come visible.

Then either across from those words -- or around the images of the dream -- add words, sketches, other images on how you can take little steps toward the dream -- how you can stay motivated along they way to the dream OR in maintenance of sustaining the dream.

If some persistent counter comes up, like a voice telling you that you have to sleep 10pm to 6am every night to be "healthy, right, normal"...then cut out images, make sketches, or write words representing that on a separate piece of paper. At the end of your exploration, be willing to take that separate piece of paper and burn it! Or rip it up and make it into a mosaic of some new beautiful image or flush it down the toilet or use it to line the parrot's cage!

Experiment with the idea that being exactly who you are IS who you are. Experiment with the idea that being exactly how you are IS how you can be while living a creative, dreamy life. Just allow for the possibility that you aren't broken or wrong or abnormal. Just allow for the possibility that creativity is about more than art! It is about crafting your heART and life in each moment. Just allow for the possibilities and see if that helps shift or re-align things for you. Just try it. What have you got to lose from just letting the possibility glimpse into your heart??

As always, feel free to share by leaving comments here with results of your experiments or leaving me links to visit your blog write ups about your experiments!

Miracles,
k-

An Ode To Wax

noreply@blogger.com (Kara Chipoletti Jones) — Wed, 18 Apr 2012 09:47:00 +0000

An ode to wax
by moi after my first encaustic playing session

OMG I'm high on wax
It's not what you think...
I'm addicted to flat head iron pieces and heat guns
Maybe it is what you think...
Oh, wax, I never knew how much
you liked paper and wood and canvas and glitter...
Oh, wax, I'm high on you
and I can see you'll be keeping me awake nights.
Who knew a little beeswax
could make one trip like this?!
Oh, wax, I am definitely addicted to you.

Miracles to you :)
k-

Trusting yourself in your heART-work helps you trust yourself in crafting your life...

noreply@blogger.com (Kara Chipoletti Jones) — Mon, 16 Apr 2012 08:44:00 +0000

In the course of the past week, all the heART-works above have unfolded for me. As I played around with each landscape, each design element, each color or bit of shading, I found myself leaning back to consider how the piece *felt* to me. Part of the practice of my heART-work is trusting when my instinct says, "Yes, this pieces is done," or "You need a bit more color there," or "Turn me upside down and you'll see what's missing then."

As I was working this practice with each piece above, I was in and out of other things. Working with coaching clients. Teaching. Answering emails, initiating emails. Attending tele-conference or video conference meetings. Cleaning up the kitchen or making meals. Doing research. Connecting with others on social media. Meeting with friends.

Again and again, there seemed to be the same issue arising. Each instance was a variant, each specific situation was unique in its make-up. But the root of the issue was the same again and again. Variations included: 1) people telling someone they have to grieve in this way or that way; 2) people telling someone they have to eat this or that; 3) people telling someone they have to do self-care this way or that way; 4) someone feeling like someone else was judging whatever they chose to do.

In all cases, the person who felt judged or who was being told they had to change was left feeling disenfranchised. That disenfranchisement made them feel they had less power than the other person. In some cases the other person was indeed in a supposed position of "authority" like teacher, medical professional, coach, elder. The person struggling could not see how or where they might have any power or choice in the matter. In some cases these nuggets of supposed "wisdom" were even offered as ultimatums. Things like: 1) if you don't start getting over the grief, we don't want you at the family holidays anymore, 2) if you don't start doing self-care this way, I will no longer see you in my practice, or 3) if you don't eat the way I recommend, you are eating lesser food and calling down your own bad health. You get the idea.

The thing about all these situations is this: NONE OF IT HELPS THE STRUGGLING PERSON!!

It simply adds guilt, shame, isolation, disenfranchisement to whatever the person was already struggling with, so WHY -- what possible good could come from -- doing this kind of thing to another person???

Honestly, I don't know why. People get stuck in what they think is "right"? People get stuck in believing that what worked for them is the *only* way to do something?

But here's the key: even when you feel disenfranchised, you can find a place of empowerment again *if you are willing to be creative*.

When you feel this stuff put upon you, be willing to sit back and look at the whole landscape creatively. Let your instincts guide you in what to do next. Let yourself hear the reality that the other person doesn't really have your best interests at heart. Let yourself hear the reality that the other person didn't really hear you. Let yourself turn the landscape upside down and see that the other person isn't seeing what you see. Let yourself see that the other person may be considered an authority in some ways, but they are not divine beings. Let yourself know that no one can truly know YOUR answers.

I'm not saying that you have to lash back at the other person. I'm not saying that you have to go back and try to get the other person to understand or see things differently. I am saying that you have the CHOICE to simply let that other person quietly go their way with their ideas and their version of reality.

AND YOU have the CHOICE to go on your way with your ideas and your reality and your landscape. You can add the colors you want to your canvas. You can decide to experiment with different kinds of food and self-care without becoming a fascist or extremest about any one way of doing things. You can learn from your interaction with the person who gave you the ultimatums...remember how that felt and when you later find yourself in the capacity of teacher or care-giver DON'T DO WHAT THEY DID!

Teachers and care-givers and even spiritual leaders are NOT DIVINE GURUS. Don't give them that power. They are your consultants. They have the capacity to be in relationship with you, to be sounding boards, to give ideas and options, to encourage you to experiment and ultimately FIND YOUR OWN ANSWERS.

If someone in your life -- someone in one of these roles -- does anything that adds guilt and shame to your process, gives you ultimatums -- STOP! Breathe. Don't take in the crap they hand out to you. Step back and take in the whole landscape. Trust your instinct with the landscape of your life *in the very same way* you trust your instincts with your heART-works!

You have the power.
Don't give it away!
Miracles,
k-

Tambourines: henna'd or jagua'd - 3 for sale...

noreply@blogger.com (Kara Chipoletti Jones) — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 02:14:00 +0000

Tambourine 1 - Jagua paste used for design done Zentangle style. 10 inch skin head tambourine with wood frame. $47 + $5.95 shipping. Contact me if you want it, and I'll send you Paypal invoice.

Tambourine 2 - Henna paste paste used for design done Zentangle style. 10 inch skin head tambourine with wood frame. $47 + $5.95 shipping. Contact me if you want it, and I'll send you Paypal invoice.

Tambourine 3 - Henna paste used for design done wedding henna style. 10 inch skin head tambourine with wood frame. $47 + $5.95 shipping. Contact me if you want it, and I'll send you Paypal invoice.

Hey all!
It's been a long time since I had tambourines for sale. These three are now up for grabs. They all have been decorated with henna or jagua paste that has been left to dry completely on the skin head of the tambourines. I ship them out to you with the paste still on, just like you see in the photos. You just play the instruments right over top of the dried paste, letting it flake off as it will. Underneath is a stain of the design dyed right into the tambourine head. I've also had clients buy these just to hang as art, leaving the paste on for good.

If you are interested in owning one of these, just email me and tell me if you want 1, 2, or 3. I'll send you a PayPal invoice for $47 + $5.95 shipping. I'll ship them out UPS with tracking and insurance. And beauty arrives at your door! :)

If you have questions, just be in touch!
Miracles,
k-

Creative prompt: making the invisible, visible

noreply@blogger.com (Kara Chipoletti Jones) — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 05:56:00 +0000

My day has been full with simple revelations of the ways that we have these days to make what would otherwise be invisible, visible. One of our participants over at The Creative Grief Coaching Studio posted about her exploration of rules that get imposed upon us during grief experience. There is a lot of controversy about how social media gets used during grief. I flat out believe the controversy is b.s. because whatever you think, well, it is just what *you* think about it. Social media exists and is malleable and beautifully adaptable to each and every individual who has access to use it. You may not want to use social media as one avenue of expression of grief and love -- and that is just fine for you. But just because you are uncomfortable with it, that does not mean anyone who is comfortable should be shamed for using it that way! They have as much right to express via social media as you have a right to chose not to express that way. Anything else is an imposition of a woulda, coulda, shoulda.

So for instance, in my own case, I've chosen to keep my continually evolving thoughts to and about my dead sons pretty public. I write letters to the boys each year on their blog. I talk about them here. I love that my relationship to and about them is so much bigger than the tremendous grief that comes through in the early letters in that blog. You can see my evolution there that comes around to continuing to love them both and to find ways to express both my motherhood to our living children and grandchildren -- and my motherhood to our dead children. And connections come from that blog all the time. Each year when I post new letters or musing, new people find it and share their stories with me. This is not just about isolation and what grief makes invisible -- it is so much more about re-connecting to the world at large and learning to live again in the face of grief.

In other cases, people make memorial websites to people they love who have died. Some people maintain the Twitter or Facebook accounts of loved ones who have died and then continue to post thoughts and messages there. Some people create artworks and share galleries of photos. All of these things are just more options for how to keep the otherwise invisible, visible. Birthdays and death days are remembered and honored. Thoughts about living life after death are shared. Connections are made and relationships are redefined as we find new ways to express love for our loved one even though they are not physically here to receive that love.

Other things that we might do: tattoos or henna body art that evokes beauty or memory or name. Often these things evoke response in others, too. I once henna'd a bereaved mother who was feeling incredibly isolated and invisible in her world. She had no other living children, so her motherhood was feeling more and more invisible as time went on after the date of her child's death. So she came to me and we did an intuitive session to come up with symbols that meant something to her in relation to the death, her continuing love for her child, her different kind of motherhood. I then henna'd those symbols on her hand and arm. She left our session and stopped at a local coffee shop for a drink. Standing in line, a woman behind her commented that the design was beautiful and asked if it had any particular meaning. Feeling brave and bolstered from our session together, my client plucked up and shared the meaning with the woman in line. Shockingly, the woman in line turned out to be another bereaved mother who lived in this same neighborhood of my client. They began meeting regularly for coffee and connection. Isolation BE GONE! Invisibility BE GONE!

And today, a delivery came to me that I've been waiting to have in my hands since I first saw these during the holiday season. Cinnamon Sticks over on Etsy hand forges and stamps silver band rings. So three of these little rings came to me today. They fit my wedding band finger. And the first one is stamped with, "hawk & kara" to symbolize our union. The second one is stamped with, "kota & zuzu" in honor of our dead sons, giving them visibility. The third is stamped with, "b ella super buddha p" in honor of our living children and grandbabies, filling out the full scope of our family, parenthood, grand-parenthood, our *whole* family. Visible.

So that's your creative prompt for the day: how do you make what would otherwise be invisible, visible?

Consider what feels invisible to you about your experience? Consider where the isolation feels the most rotten? Make a list of these thing, these spaces, these experiences in one column. In a second column, across from each item, list creative ideas for how you might counter those things? How you might make them visible? How you might turn disconnection into connection?

Or consider making two collages. One to symbolize the invisible. The second to symbolize how you will make all that was invisible, visible. Use images, colors, words. Play with layout and layers. Consider the collages side by side. What steps to you see in-between the two collages? What leads you from invisible to visible? How can you make a tiny or big step on that path?

As always, please feel free to leave comment here sharing your experiments or links to your blogs or heart-works from exploring this creative prompt!
Miracles,
k-

Creative prompt: tangle-ie and gratitude...

noreply@blogger.com (Kara Chipoletti Jones) — Sat, 07 Apr 2012 05:18:00 +0000

Several days ago, I had the wonderful opportunity to do an interview with Dr. Melissa Flint who is a professor and clinician at Midwestern University and a long time volunteer at the MISS Foundation. She had so many great ideas to share in the interview which we'll be sharing with our participants over at The Creative Grief Coaching Studio. One of the things we chatted a lot about was the importance of self-care, especially for professionals who are in the helping fields.

Though working in this field is definitely my heART-work and is a choice many others make, too, it can be downright overwhelming to carry the stories of so many people who are grieving and seeking. Part of self-care for the practitioner is learning how to be wholly available for clients during sessions, but then be able to put the stories down when not in session. It is not that you want to be unfeeling or disregard all you are privileged to witness in your work with others. But it is important to practice the skill of being witness without being consumed; to practice the skill of being present in the moment to a client's pain, but to not necessarily carry that pain into the rest of your life; to not let pain be the whole of your relationship with your client.

So one of the self-care practices Dr. Mel shared with us was the idea of a gratitude journal. She talked a little about how she uses the gratitude journal in her own life and how she uses it to keep her heart broken OPEN in relation to her client interactions. For instance, as practitioners we may share sacred space with a client who experienced the death of a child at birth where the trauma of the birth almost killed the mother herself. While the grief work we do in this situation will probably be a result of the death of the child, we are also, in the present moment, working with a mother who is alive and learning to live again. The mother's life will touch us, and we may find ourselves honored to know her, to be part of the path as she finds her way again. We will find ourselves grateful to be in relationship with this mom.

Capturing these thoughts in a gratitude journal can be a good, tangible way to remind our selves that the picture of life with our clients is about more than just the pain that was the catalyst that brought them to us. It can be a way to stay conscious of the fact that though we are doing creative grief work, in the wider perspective, we are actually doing LIFE work.

I find also, just for me personally, that doing this kind of thing gives me practice on my own path as well. It is an exercising of the muscles that can hold *both* the painful moments and at the same time a knowing there is always more than just pain. As I work a gratitude journal in my own life, I start to see the metaphor of it everywhere. I even see it in my tangle drawings. The tangle can seem messy and criss crossed and knotted...but in-between the knots, there are spaces filled with beauty.

So there's your creative prompt for the day. No one is denying the pain that comes. But can you also see the spaces where the heart is broken OPEN, too? Can you see the glimpse of beauty and gratitude between the tangles of life and death? Try your hand at a gratitude journal yourself and just see what it feels like. Try your hand at a tangle and see how the knots criss cross into making spaces for beauty.

As always, feel free to leave comments here sharing your experiments or with links to your own blog for us all to come see your creative results, too!
Miracles,
k-

More tangle practice...

noreply@blogger.com (Kara Chipoletti Jones) — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 07:00:00 +0000

Still working through the zentangle patterns in the books I got, while starting to incorporate some of the henna elements I do on skin, along with some of the day of the dead elements I looooove playing with in my heART. Finally got out to find a couple blenders. Their weird. I mean they are *great* for shading because you can sharpen them to a fine point and be much more discreet than just rubbing the pencil lines with your finger tips. But they are weird texture, just rolled paper, and odd when you sharpen them on the sandpaper. Can't believe it's taken me this long to discover them and learn how to use them. Will be interesting to see if I can translate some of the shading stuff I'm learning here onto canvas pieces with some of my 1000 Faces series. We'll see.

Here's to tangling and untangling!
Miracles,
k-

Creative Prompt: the inspiration of Valentine for Ernest Mann...

noreply@blogger.com (Kara Chipoletti Jones) — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 07:00:00 +0000

Creative Prompt:
the inspiration of Valentine for Ernest Mann
from Coach Kara

In Honor of National Poetry Month

I've used this poem by Naomi Shihab Nye to do creative prompt with people who feel there is no hope or blessings left, people who feel disenfranchised or that power has been taken from them. After reading through the poem, we talk about how blessings hide...where can we look for them?

Clients and I have also used it also to explore how every one can think our grief is in the obvious: someone we love died or a divorce happened. But grief lurks or hides, too, even in amid the obvious grief situations. Our child died. Obvious grief. We lose our tolerance for quietly sitting in a cafe with a cup of coffee when an entire session of Mommy & Me participants descends to socialize after their class. Not so obvious grief. How do we live in a way that lets us give voice to grief, lets us find ways to transform it? What gems do we find in the darkest emotions? What are the poems hidden in your grief shadows?

You can also try this prompt by going through a stack of magazines to cut out images that resonate with you. Go through this pile of cut out images to see where in the images you find reflections of hope or grief hiding? How can you make them visible? Make collages playing with the images to explore what lurks in the corners and behind the shades of an obvious grief experience.

To get started, I have clients read or I read this poem outloud to them:

Valentine for Ernest Mann
by Naomi Shihab Nye, The Red Suitcase, Brockport, NY: BOA Editions, 1994.

You can't order a poem like you order a taco.
Walk up to the counter, say, "I'll take two"
and expect it to be handed back to you
on a shiny plate.

Still, I like your spirit.
Anyone who says, "Here's my address,
write me a poem," deserves something in reply.
So I'll tell you a secret instead:
poems hide. In the bottoms of our shoes,
they are sleeping. They are the shadows
drifting across our ceilings the moment
before we wake up. What we have to do
is live in a way that lets us find them.

Once I knew a man who gave his wife
two skunks for a valentine.
He couldn't understand why she was crying.
"I thought they had such beautiful eyes."
And he was serious. He was a serious man
who lived in a serious way. Nothing was ugly
just because the world said so. He really
liked those skunks. So, he reinvented them
as valentines and they became beautiful.
At least, to him. And the poems that had been hiding
in the eyes of the skunks for centuries
crawled out and curled up at his feet.

Maybe if we reinvent whatever our lives give us
we find poems. Check your garage, the odd sock
in your drawer, the person you almost like, but not quite.
And let me know.

About the Poet
Naomi also has a new collection out TRANSFER (BOA Editions, 2011). And her author page over on Amazon will inspire you with all the many titles she's given our world!!

Please note: this poem was used with express permission from the artist. Please respect her copyright and do not take use here as permission for you to re-print elsewhere without her permission!

Skellie play...emerging series

noreply@blogger.com (Kara Chipoletti Jones) — Sat, 31 Mar 2012 07:00:00 +0000

So I'm still working up to the full vision of the skellie series I see in my head. Playing with sketches and digital play at this point. For my full vision, I realized that I really want a real skellie model to work from, to pose, to play. Found a classroom poster, but that still wasn't fully what I wanted as a model. So then I found a skellie that stands table top and you can pose it -- like those wooden mannequin you see in art classrooms, you know? Soooooo *that* I think will be helpful in bringing the full vision of the images out of my head. We'll see.

As always remember it's a practice (or a process as the case may be), not a perfect!
Have fun playing as you let your art emerge to your full heART-full visions!
Miracles,
k-

Wanting to feel included but then be excused from participating…

noreply@blogger.com (Kara Chipoletti Jones) — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 07:00:00 +0000

Here was the bottom line for me after the death of my son: I wanted to feel included by being invited to the baby showers. But in the next breath, I wanted all involved to understand that I would turn the invitations down. I simply did not belong to the happy la-la mamas club anymore. I am a dead baby mom.

This ultimately became the metaphor for many aspects of our lives as we learned to live with grief and loss. We wanted to feel included, but we then wanted to be excused from participation because we simply did not jive with that world anymore. This can be said for things like holiday celebrations, social dinner parties, networking meetings, co-workers parties, nightclub events, baby and wedding showers, and more. We simply now craved more time alone individually and alone as a family. We simply craved social interactions with others who could go to the heart of the matter with us.

Does this mean we never have social dinner outings again? No, of course not. But it means that we’d rather have dinner with another dead baby family than a happy la-la family. That sounds harsh, but it was our new reality after death. Another dead baby family would understand our utter contempt and discomfort at staying put at a café table after a Mommy & Me group descended to socialize after their class. Another dead baby family would have no problem leaving the café and continuing our social interaction elsewhere instead. But a happy la-la family wouldn’t even notice the Mommy & Me gang and would continue to hum along in social small talk as if nothing happened. I simply refused to waste any more moments of my precious, SHORT life time pretending and being politely uncomfortable.

These are the creative social choices we began to practice after our son died. And after a dozen years of working with other bereaved families, I know all too well that most other bereaved parents and siblings feel these things, too.

Part of the “invite me, but excuse me” reality was coming to terms with what maybe felt like more loss upon loss. Once they hand you the jar of your son’s cremated ashes, you can’t imagine there is more to lose. But then you attend your first la-la family holiday after his death, and you suddenly realize you’ve lost all ability to connect with these people, too. Your life and priorities have shifted so much that this is NOT what constitutes family or meaningful holidays for you any more. It is very jarring to simply cut yourself off or to have them cut you off. So part of the more gentle transition possibility is to have them “invite you, but excuse you.” This says they still love you, and you still love them, but you all have taken different forks in the road. You are able to re-create holidays. You fill a plate at an empty seat to honor those who have died, and that is not uncomfortable for you. You attend a Children’s Memorial Day service rather than a Christmas Day service, and you feel that is exactly the fit for you and yours.

Can you see the creative choices at play here? You are not condemning the la-la stuff. Everyone else is free to do that, and how lovely that they still love and miss you and are willing to invite you and excuse you. You are free to do what you need to do, and how lovely that you can walk your road without being judged by them – and they can walk their road without being judged by you. It is a complete release of any co-dependent manipulations of one another. Not only is this a creative healing for the grief experience, but it is a good practice for walking your walk and living your boundaries and respecting others in all kinds of everyday LIFE things.

As I’ve written many times before, it would be lovely to have your family and friends help you by initiating these things. But it may just be that they don’t understand your reality now. You are your own best advocate. I know that can feel like it sucks because here you are in a time of life when you need the most help possible. But please trust that the help you need can come from your own heart, from advocating for yourself, for creating transitions as your find new ways to interact in the world. And though you might at first feel like this is loss on top of loss, please trust your instincts to do what is right for you and yours. You never know when family or friends will utterly surprise you by responding with something like, “You know I feel the grief of your son’s death this holiday season, too. Do you think it would be okay to go to the Children’s Memorial Day service with you?”

It is okay to let the grief affect you. And guess what? You are allowed to affect the grief!

More practice tangling and untangling...

noreply@blogger.com (Kara Chipoletti Jones) — Thu, 29 Mar 2012 21:40:00 +0000

More tangling with the nest of stuff that is life. :)
That is all. You will now be returned to your regular programming.
Miracles,
k-

Standing in line: nothing is as simple as it seems in the face of grief

noreply@blogger.com (Kara Chipoletti Jones) — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 07:00:00 +0000

There is a scene in the film Losing Layla where Layla’s mom Vanessa is in line at a bank or post office sometime during the first weeks after Layla has died. The line is long and moving slowly. A few people ahead of Vanessa in line are a mom and young child who is jumping and dancing around with a sweet little voice. And the camera pans to Vanessa’s face. You can see all the crumbling walls of pain and heartbreak falling down her body and spilling across the floor.

Let’s face it. After grief comes to visit us, nothing is as simple as it seems on the surface anymore. The everyday things, like running errands, become complicated. Going to a café for a few minutes of quiet coffee time can be very difficult when you are a bereaved mother and the table next to you fills up with people who’ve just finished their Mommy and Me class. Going to any social event can feel arduous.

Sometimes it just is a reality that we have to be creative in our post-grief life to change up all the things that, prior, seemed so simple. It may not be something you are up to in the first days or weeks after grief comes, but one small creative choice at a time will add up to a new way of doing things. Simply not being afraid to change your plans is a great way to allow yourself to step out of line, do a different errand, come back to the post office later. Or getting your coffee to go and heading to the wide open space of the beach to enjoy it instead of staying at the café.

Much of the time, the changes required are simply a matter a paying attention to your heart, tending her as she needs tending, and being gentle with yourself instead of judgmental about the whole process. In my own personal experience, after the death of my son, I just found it less heartbreaking, and much easier, to do my grocery shopping at one of the 24 hours shops, heading out late night, after 10pm to get what we needed. That shop even had a 24/7 ATM of my bank, so I could do my banking in the late hours, too. And they had a branch of the post office inside, too. While the branch itself wasn’t open that late, I could still post through the slots and buy my stamps via the machines there. It was a heavenly gift to be able to do my basic, everyday things this way at first. It allowed me to be creative and gentle in finding new ways to reconnect to the world at large without feeling rushed and pushed to do so because of errands.

Everyone will of course be different in how they feel post-grief. The key is to be curious and tolerant with yourself as you discover what will work for you and what will not work for you. And know that over time, your creative choices will shift and change and get bigger or maybe shift back to something more pre-grief-like. But you need not force anything. You are your own best advocate. You are extraordinarily capable and response-able to your heart. Take the best care possible. And know that it is very normal that the simple things don’t seem simple anymore!
Miracles,
k-