mother lode

New Year's ReSOULutions

noreply@blogger.com (Anita) — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 17:15:00 +0000

Have you heard the news? Excess weight has become a national health crisis based on a recent report that measured a twenty-six percent jump in the number of overweight or obese Canadians. Well, based on this I can join the ranks and declare, "I AM CANADIAN!" (Although my excess weight has nothing to do with a fondness for Molson's beer.)

This news story comes hard on the heels of millions of New Years Resolutions made by these same Canadians that likely run along the lines of "In 2010 I will lose weight, exercise more and eat healthy food." How do I know this? I am one of the 46% of the population that has made a resolution.

So many of set out in the first few days of a New Year filled with hope and possibility. We want to make our lives better in the coming year by improving our relationship, finances or health. Health seems to top the list of resolutions based the surge of new members in gyms and commercial weight loss programs along with the number of smoking cessation aids that fill drug store shelves.

We are predictable in our resolutions - and in our failures. According to Wikipedia, only twelve percent of people who make a New Year's Resolution achieve their goals. Does that mean the rest of us are losers? Do we lack the will power to achieve our goals? Are we undeserving of success?

Of course not! What we lack is information about how to create what we want. A resolution or goal is more than a wistful thought. An intention needs clarity and an action plan in order to become our manifest reality.

The seeds of our intentions require careful tending. We need to give them time and space and be willing to wait for them in the same way that we wait for a shoot to poke out of sun warmed soil. When you consider the process of growth from seed to sprout, there is a whole lot of activity underway that is out of sight. The roots develop and reach out to nourish and to anchor the developing shoot as it unfurls and patiently pushes its way to the surface. Once at the surface, a seedling needs further protection and nurturing until it grows strong enough to weather the inevitable storms. Sometimes weeds threaten to choke it out and they must be firmly removed. As a seedling becomes a plant a thoughtful pruning will help direct its energy so that it can bear beautiful fruit.

Right now, all I want to do is eat the fruit! This may have something to do with my own well worn New Year's Resolution to lose weight so that I am no longer a part of the national obesity epidemic coupled with the fact that for more years than I care to admit, I have been among the 88% who have failed to achieve this resolution. Aside from feeling hungry, I am also impatient and prone to distraction, which may have something to do with my lack of success on this front.

I know that I am a reasonably intelligent woman with access to information. I am a health professional and a life coach and yet in spite of having tons of information about the perils of being over weight I continue to struggle. I know how to set and achieve goals in other areas of my life and yet I continue to struggle with my weight. I know how to design and implement a fitness program and I am familiar with all the reasons I should be exercising and yet I struggle.

I have been dieting since I was 10 years old and I have probably lost and gained the equivalent of a baby hippopotamus over my 41 years of life. You would think I would have perfected this whole dieting thing by now but either I'm a really slow learner ... or maybe there is a missing piece to this puzzle. My money is on the missing piece.

As this year unfolds I intend to share my quest for the missing piece and how t relates to the weight loss journey I'm embarking on. Here are a couple of discoveries I have made so far that I'll explore in upcoming blog posts: how doing nothing is actually one of the best skills to develop in a weight loss journey and the discovery that weight is simply a metaphor for other things in my life.

Are you like me? Join the conversation. Let this year be the year when we join the ranks of those who have sucessfully achieved their resolutions. Let this year be the year when you move beyond the status quo and the statistics to create the life you want to live!

PS: As I spell checked this post I noticed that I repeatedly typed resoulutions ... I think that is worth noticing since our success in creating the lives we want resides in the reconnection to our soul.

Remembering

noreply@blogger.com (Anita) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 16:10:00 +0000

Its been awhile since I came to this space. I feel like I am meeting someone after a long absence and feel unsure about where to begin. I know that I have changed in many ways, some obvious and others more subtle. I have changed in ways that I have yet to discover. Like meeting an old friend for coffee, there is a welcoming familiarity in this space, an acceptance of what time has wrought coupled with the sense that the essence of me remains unwavering. I am remembered. I am welcome.

Since I was last here Guardians of the Vision: Parenting for the Birthright of Potential has been released. I believe that it is a ripple that will grow in size and intensity as it touches each person. It is something that compells you to pay it forward. To share. To claim. The courage and honesty, the love and respect each contributor freely offers is a gift. They have gone first, boldly blazing a trail for their readers to follow as they discover their birthright of genius and potential so that they become resourceful guardians.

I am amazed by how the lives of the contributors have exploded into full bloom! Tapping into their experience moved them well beyond the borders of the "stories". Without a doubt, they are the creators of the next "chapter" in their awakened lives and they are touching many others. The creation of this project, particularly my role as a coach and sounding board for many of the contributors has reifnorced my faith in the alchemy of writing.

Writing to tell a story or share information is one thing. Writing to access experience is another thing entirely. When writing is used as a gateway to something beyond the story it holds great power. Writing in this way looks more like idleness dotted with periods of frenzied recording. What may appear to an observer as a distant stare actually marks the direct engagement of experience in flow.

Breathing in, breathing out; inviting and allowing the flow of energy, information, sensation and emotion moves us beyond lifeless language into a realm where we are the creator. Through the portal of the body, we leave the intellect behind and connect with our sacredness. In this space we don't harbor judgement about our experience, nor are we defined by it. In this space we transcend. Only then can we speak the truth - our truth.

The resonance of truth claimed and synthesized moves language from an intellectual process to one that carries an energetic charge. This is the spark that ignites something in the reader. Both writer and reader are transformed.

Tranformation - This is what I have witnessed time and again, in my life and in the lives of others who chose to write from that sacred space within.

And so here I am again, writing and seeking my own ongoing transformation. My joy in life is seeking ways to express the fullness of who I am and that expands exponentially when I work with others who are seeking the same. "Who else is out there?", I wonder ....

"I am the glimmer on a blackbird's feather, the unexpected iridescent sheen that holds a rainbow. I spread my wings and become the wind, trailing my fingers through the long grass, kissing the world as I pass."

Who are you?

Labor Pains

noreply@blogger.com (Anita) — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 01:37:00 +0000

I remember those final days of pregnancy with such clarity. I wanted to be able to unzip my skin and jump out as the weight and pressure of new life was ready to burst out. Well, 'm pregnant again - this time with a book project!

I might be the nearly crazy mother of 3 but I'm not crazy enough to take on a 4Th child at this point. Instead, Guardians of the Vision: Parenting for the Birthright of Potential is on its way. Expected delivery date is September 2009 - which coincidentally corresponds with its conception date back in January 2009. As with my other pregnancies, I feel the same mixture of fatigue and excited anticipation. I feel the restless agitation of "Is it time yet?" coursing through my veins and a keen desire to "just get on with it".

This is a project I conceived of as a way to move beyond the isolation that parenting 3 young children. I craved intellectual stimulation and more than the typical "how to" manual advice available in the current marketplace. I, like so many, am tired of listening to depressing news, reading horrible headlines and being subjected to "ain't it awful" stories. The challenges I face daily as I move through my life with young children has fostered an enormous ache in me for meaningful, soulful conversations that are both realistic and inspirational.

Although I am no Polly-Anna, I have always felt that in spite of everything that seems to be going wrong in the world, each and every one of us carries the seed of potential for rapid, mind blowing, exponential, course-correcting change. Too often, that seed goes dormant in our childhood and somewhere in our mid-life, if we are determined seekers, we start to nurture that seed again. Imagine a world where we bloomed where we were planted - without long fallow periods! Our children, the children of this world, have the capacity for the rapid acceleration required to keep pace with our reality - and so do we. We can chose to be awake and alive, nurturing our own potential as well as theirs - or we can continue repeating the past and getting more of what we've already got.

I am so honored that Louise LeBrun agreed to co-create this project with me. As the creator of the WEL-Systems(R) body of knowledge, I have her to thank for the information and experiences that helped me become a living expression of my own potential. I don't want to watch my children disconnect as I did, and wander aimlessly through their lives for the next 30+ years - I want them to burst out of the gates, fully connected to who they are and how they can create the world they desire. As a fellow blogger and contributing author, Amy McNaughton shared with me, "My mother gave birth to me but Louise gave me life." This is the power of a WEL-Systems perspective - the discovery of how to be fully alive. Nearly all parents have the best of intentions. They do the best they can with the information they have. WEL-Systems(R) offers us compelling new information to consider - information other generations never had access to.

This book is the beginning of a legacy I want to create for my children and children everywhere. It really is about us - the Guardians of the children inhabiting this world. We must discover and nurture the seed of potential, our capacity to create and shape our lives, and then become the Guardians of that same potential that is present in others. Potential is a birthright that belongs to every single human being on this planet.

I am in great company! Each of the 10 contributing authors in this project has a unique perspective and experience to share. They are a diverse group that represents a cross-section of parents, grand-parents, and others who are Guardians in a much larger sense of the word. They come from all walks of life. I am very grateful to each of them for sharing the wisdom of their experience and entering into the "parenting" conversation in a broad, new way - courageously helping to redefine an old paradigm - one that has been absolutely fundamental to our culture and instrumental in defining who we have become. It is time for a new conversation and these folks are amazing pioneers who answered the call and gave me hope and inspiration for what is possible for each of us, individually and collectively.

As we now move forward from final edits to pre-press, I find myself sighing deeply, tapping my toe and ready to burst - it's the final few weeks before an important birth! Stay tuned for more updates.

PS:
To those readers who have been willing to wait for my return to blogging, my sincere thanks! Expect more entries and some excerpts in the coming weeks from Guardians of the Vision, my own manuscript in progress entitled Something More, along with other observations about living a creative life while caring for kids, geriatric doggies, adjusting to life in a new town and my return to my "day job".... lots of material these days!

Manifestation

noreply@blogger.com (Anita) — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 15:38:00 +0000

Life has been a bit of a blur since I last dropped in to this space. I've been noticing that my life seems to proceed with incredible velocity and intensity. The key word being velocity - it has speed AND direction. I also notice that it in order for my life not to move in mindless circles I must give it my attention. I feel as though I'm in the still centre of the storm as long as I do two things: 1) pay attention to what is going on inside of me, honoring the impulses and information that appear as emotions, physical sensations as well as the nudges of intuition and 2) keep my destination alive in my mind.

Although my manifestations, my creations if you will, might happen in seemingly convoluted ways, as long as I continue to do those two things they appear. At first I thought I was just lucky and then I realized that its more than that. I also realized that there was more to it than wishing and hoping. Mirco-managing doesn't work that well either. It seems when I do that, I'm more focused on my fear of might go wrong if I loosen my grip ... and guess what shows up? Exactly the stuff that I wanted to avoid! "Energy flows where attention" goes is truly a law of the universe.

I've started to pay attention to what I already know instinctively, looking for a way to express it and play more mindfully with it. Holding a vision is perhaps the hardest part for me. I tend to crowd the vision with my fears and limitations. I forget about the potential and possibility that comes with our highest nature. I believe we are spiritual beings expressing in a physical universe. Limitless potential is our birthright. Our possibilities are endless. And we seem to have amnesia about this! Once we begin to remember then the world becomes a much more magical place. We feel don't feel as though we are at the mercy of external events. We cease to be victims of what is going on "out there".

Children know this instinctively. Before we strip them of their joy, replacing it with fear and inadequacy - they inhabit a world that feels safe and abundant. Its not long until they become infected with our fears. I want to inoculate my children with hope. I want to help them to be immune to a worldview that robs them of their birthright - limitless potential. And it starts with me.

I have to be willing to face my own fears head on. I have to be willing to say "not my kids". I have to be willing to pay attention and to stay present when there is chaos in my own body and in the world at large. I have to trust myself and give them the space to do the same.

So back to manifestation and in the particular, the creation of something different for my children. I am the one who has the capacity to be the guardian of the vision of their potential. Its up to me to be willing to discover who I must become in order to do that ... and its a living breathing process of paying attention.

Although I can pay attention on my own, I know that the process becomes much more powerful when I am public about it and when I involve other people who share the same intention to participate in some way. With that in mind, last week I sent out an invitation to others who interact regularly with children - either as parents, grandparents or in the community, to participate in a book project that I believe will offer a whole new paradigm for "parenting". Using a WEL-Systems perspective as platform for looking at parenting from a whole new vantage point, I believe that we will create something that will be a part of the change I want to give my children.

Its time for new conversations about parenting - ones that aren't about command and control or about strategies to "manage" behavior. I believe the time has come for conversations that are about bigger questions that encourage us to examine our beliefs, values and attitudes about parenting. Questions that create the space for us to consider who we become if we begin to make choices that aren't based on our fears, habits or limited viewpoints that are passed long mindlessly. Questions that allow us to consider, without guilt or judgement, what the legacy we are passing on to our children and then to make a mindful choices, moving forward from there. Questions that allow us to discover that we don't need to fear what we don't know, we just need to step forward and meet it, trusting ourselves as we go. Its time.

The book project is called Parenting: Guardians of the Vision with the subtitle, The Birthright of Potential. Already this creation has called to others and I am finding myself in marvelous company. It has a sense of velocity and intensity behind it and I know that its just the beginning of something much larger than a collective book.

I have also found an editor for Mother Lode - the book. She has already proved to be a compassionate soul with a great sense of humor! I feel like I am in the right hands to guide the thought fragments this space into something larger.

I'm paying attention and I have a destination in mind. Now I'm eager to see how the space between begins to fill in! Stay tuned.

The Next Chapter

noreply@blogger.com (Anita) — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 21:19:00 +0000

Its been so long since I was last here that I feel like a stranger in a strange land. Life is moving with incredible acceleration. In some ways I feel as though I've dropped through the rabbit hole, picking up speed as I went. Suddenly - poof! I have landed with a thud in an entirely new place in my life.

I'm not in the habit of making resolutions at New Year. This year was no different, although I found myself pausing to take stock of my life up to this point. It seemed even more potent for me as this January 1st marked not only a new year, but also my 40th birthday. It is with great pleasure that I feel as though I've stepped across a chasm. Many times I felt as though I was moving too slowly. I was hungry for more and more experiences. I often felt "stuck" and yet as I sit to write, I can see that my evolution as a person has been anything but slow and steady - its been with quantum leaps followed by periods of adjustment before once again jumping off.

My thirties seemed to have been devoted to discovery of self. I was so practiced at doing what was right and expected that I lost sight of myself, only to powerfully re-discover who I am and all the possibility that resides within. I set up and then sold off businesses, I hit the "re-set" button on how I interact with my family - choosing meaning over duty. I discovered so much about health and well-being in an entirely different context - one that literally reconfigured everything about how I see the world now. I worked formally and informally with hundreds of people as they reclaimed their lives and their health. I gave birth to 3 sons and have since been on an incredible journey as a mother to children who are entering a world that is at a momentous bifurcation point. My physical circumstances are unrecognizable compared to 10 years ago and are beyond my humble dreams back then.

Yes, upon reflection, the past 10 years have been truly potent. My acceleration is completely connected to my willingness to step into my first WEL-Systems program where the conversations I craved were available and where new insights emerged, not as a product of my intellect, but from the very core of my being. The best part was that they were MY insights, MY truth - not one installed by someone else. I was taught to breathe and to pay attention to what was going on inside me - and the rest was purely magical.

Having crossed a significant chasm, I now stand here looking forward. I'm about to embark on a very significant new chapter. This time I know who I am. Although I have no idea where I am going, I'm guided choice by choice into a new terrain. My return to blogging has as much to do with discovery in the moment as it has to do with leaving behind evidence of my journey, because although I don't know where I'm headed, I'm quite certain that I'll be moving with great speed and intensity!

Mad Hatter

noreply@blogger.com (Anita) — Tue, 27 May 2008 14:23:00 +0000

The title of this entry has less to do with my childhood favorite, "Alice In Wonderland", than it does with the many roles I find myself playing out these days. My life is a lovely hodge podge of of interests, ideas and simple obligations that I often feel as though I am continually switching hats.

Before discussing the madness underlying all this, let me first reference a great newsletter I receive from Denise Linn. In the latest issue she wrote about the stuff of life, the basic obligations we each have in our day to day living, whether it be caring for the creatures on her farm, or caring for children or other basic stuff that keeps our daily lives running.

I have to agree with Denise Linn, in that its our attitude about how we approach the stuff in our lives that makes it a blessing or a burden. I'd even take it one step further, and point out that its our choice to continue living the way we do. If we can't find joy or satisfaction in it, then we need to ask ourselves if its really necessary and why we continue to have it in our lives.

Having said that, I suppose one form of madness is to continue doing and being in ways that are soul sucking while doing nothing to free ourselves from the cycle. There certainly are no fairy god-mothers or white knights with the capacity to free us from ourselves! Once again, its an inside job!!

My own particular madness has been to hold these hats that I wear as somehow separate and distinct. In trying to draw boundaries around them, I am stifling the flow in my life. I currently wear the "Mommy" hat most of the time (which comes with a lovely matching super hero cape). In addition to that I have a physiotherapist hat, a business partner hat, a life partner hat, a writer's hat (quite dusty these days!) and so on. What is crazy making for me, is attempting to schedule all these wardrobe changes in any given day. Its an impossible feat that inevitably finds me mismatched, confused and breathless.

No more! After having seeing the bizarre millinery confection that Sarah Jessica Parker wore on the Paris red carpet premiere of Sex In The City, I have decided to follow suit!! I'm going to pool all my hats into one and let it make its own unique statement. And just like SJP, I'm sure it will make tongues wag while I strut my stuff, feeling just fine in my own skin.

Bone Tired Blogging

noreply@blogger.com (Anita) — Wed, 14 May 2008 01:15:00 +0000

Well, so much for the fanfare on my last entry! It seems that I wasn't back at all and, frankly, this time around, no promises!

I'm amazed at how my drive and desire to blog has evaporated lately. Its not as though my life isn't rife with material. I find myself 100% engaged in moment to moment living these days. A toddler can do that! My inner conversations continue and on occasion will rouse me from an exhausted sleep to reach conclusion for the day as my body completes its final unwinding.

Perhaps what I sense as acutely different this time is that my sense of scarcity when it comes to writing has simply evaporated. For the past couple of years it felt as essential as breathing. I felt panicked if I couldn't create the time to give over to the flow of words that seemed to log jam in my mind and body.

Now, the flow continues unabated and unobstructed, I might add. No log jams even though there is no paper trail to follow. I am in the flow of my life unfolding and that is sufficient - for now. In fact, in many ways it seems there is an incubation period happening once again in concert with this pregnancy.

Certainly I was reborn in many ways with Baby "S"es arrival and now I wonder who I will be when this next little person arrives on the scene. This time I have no sense of impending loss of mySelf. I feel like there is more of "me" set to emerge as well.

Writing will follow - but not with the strident discipline it required before. It seems that I have finally found myself completely in flow with my life- fully focused, fully engaged, often exhausted and always amazed by the wonder of what my children reflect back to me.

Am I living in Utopia? Hell no!! But I AM living with a sense of adventure and a great deal of humor. I find myself continually needing to pay attention to what I, as an individual need, and then to ensure that I follow through in providing it for myself. Again, I'd love to say this is a "martyr free zone" but I have my moments! However, there is only enough space for one tantrum at a time around here!! And my day will come .... just kidding.

Creativity comes in all kinds of packages. At the moment, it comes in the guise of finding ways to stay present to mySelf while consciously parenting two, soon to be three, energetic boys.

I'll check in again sometime soon .... thanks for dropping by!

Hellooo...I'm Back..Is Anyone There?

noreply@blogger.com (Anita) — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 14:46:00 +0000

Apparently I've been up to even more than I realized on my last post! "In the Meantime" I have also discovered that I am pregnant and expecting Baby #3 in late September.

Once again, I've noticed how for those first three months all my creativity has turned inward and writing has taken a back seat even though my internal conversations continue to rumble in the background, I simply haven't had the energy to begin to capture the tumble of words and pin them on the page in order to make sense of them.

Chatting with a friend last night, I realized that my life looks nothing like I thought it would as I approach 40. For that I'm grateful because the surprises and cliff hangers have been much more exciting and compelling than anything I might have orchestrated left to my own devices. Isn't it nice that there is a spirit within us that dreams bigger than we can from within the limitations of our own conditioning?

So, for those of you who haven't given up after weeks of silence here, I wanted to let you know that I'm back. I'm looking forward to discovering what new part of me is birthed in this process because I know that so far, each of my children have offered me not only the gift of their presence, but further insight into who I am becoming as the future emerges, one frame at a time.

In The Meantime...

noreply@blogger.com (Anita) — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 15:21:00 +0000

These days I feel like I'm living with a foot in two places. In this limbo-land, I feel as though I am always waiting. I'm waiting for my hair to grow longer, waiting patiently for the last of my post partum pounds to disappear and waiting for the future I imagine - to arrive in its full glory.

Facing my growing frustration and resentment a few weeks back was the beginning of a monumental shift in my perspective. In claiming all those discoveries about my restlessness, I felt as though I could once again be here with my kids, without feeling stifled. I've since found the ways to carve out my own life, separate from them and yet inclusive of them too. I've been able to find time to create in new ways. I'm especially excited at having found partnerships with other women that allow me the freedom to do ALL the things that I love.

More recenty I've stumbled over a new challenge. Our new home has been delayed - yet again. We were to move in in September 2007 and now after a series of delays, our latest closing date is November 2008. Although we haven't sold our current home, as a family, we have been feeling somewhat rootless. After 3 false starts in preparing to move, many of our things are in boxes. Our excitement is fading as we wonder whether or not to allow ourselves to get excited about our latest date.

I have no idea as to what there is to discover from this process but I don't believe any event in life is random. The fact that this situation has gone from the ridiculous to the sublime makes it exceptionally noteworthy. Even my husband, who is typically silent about such matters, made the observation that perhaps we had better re-think our move given the number of obstacles that have appeared. After some soul-searching, we have made the choice to stay the course and in the process our attachment to this home has changed significantly.

What I'm noticing about myself has been the very physical click I experienced when I received the call about this latest extension required by the builder has been echoing loudly through different aspects of my life. I heard myself say that we were prepared to walk away and then I began to explore our options almost immediately. In that moment, I went from feeling like a victim of circumstance to someone in charge of her life. It doesn't matter that for the moment, I am committed to the same course of action. The difference is that it is no longer a passive process but one that I am mindfully participating in - knowing that I CAN change my mind. I am also not willing to wait to start living anymore and I was startled to discover in that moment just how much I had been putting my life on hold in anticipation of the big change this move will signify.

As a result the other new undercurrent in my life has been the desire to just get on with it. I am no longer waiting for the move to be complete before starting up my latest business venture. What I'm doing now has no resemblance to what I had planned - and it is full of joy and surprises! I've put myself out there to create new relationships right here in my own backyard rather than waiting to become a part of my new community.

This week I'm finalizing the rental of a storage locker so that we don't have to continually stumble over partially packed rooms in our house - reminders of living in the future. I'm looking forward to the space this will open up and the knowledge that anything we want is still easily accessible to us - whether it is an article from our home or the choice of a very differnt future. So much of my restlessness has been connected to feeling overwhlemed by a lack of "space". While I've created considerably more space for ME and how I express myself creatively, this next step of creating more physical space feels like the icing on the cake. It echoes in my physical environment the comittment I've made to mySelf.

Maybe the biggest lesson of all has been to step up in my life and beginning living NOW rather than in the future. Why not create what I want in my life right here, right now? My future will arrive whether I micro-manage or not - and probably faster if I loosen my grip, allowing it to emerge bit by bit rather than forcing it into my potentially limited vision! Best of all, I'm discovering that there is a lot of living to do in the meantime!!

Mother Lode Metaphors

noreply@blogger.com (Anita) — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 19:49:00 +0000

I took Baby S for his first haircut today - an adventure for both of us! While getting his signature "Trump-style" hairdo tamed I was musing at how quickly he is growing. At 6 months he is wearing clothing sizes in the 18 month range. He has his two bottom teeth and the top ones are beginning to peek through.

He is a hurry to get around in his environment and has no qualms about expressing his frustrations loudly when his desire outpaces his capability. Like most mothers before me, I'm simply amused by his desire to get moving - all because I can see his potential. I know that it is only a matter of time before he is in full command of his body and can explore every nook and cranny of his world.

My wisdom and ability to see where all his yet unfilled potential will take him does little to diffuse his frustration. And here I sit, at age 39 and see that the game , in some ways, is really not much different today for me than it likely was when I was 6 months old. There are so many times when know exactly what I want but haven't completely mastered how to tap into that latent potential.

Flipping Baby S over onto his back for the umpteenth time after he has gotten stuck on his tummy, I realize that it is those repeated attempts that open the door to discovering more. While he may not (who knows? ) have a sense of his potential to one day not only master rolling from his tummy to his back, but to swim, run, play football, dance and so much more, he doggedly keeps trying because he know there is more - if he can just get there.

How many of us can claim to have maintained that same level of persistence about our own growth and evolution? Scarred by life's hard knocks and challenges, we start to resist the urge to grow and evolve, choosing the relative safety of what we know. We deaden our urge to explore our potential in order to remain safe, avoiding pain, loss and other repercussions. But what are we giving up in the process? Who would we become if we were to choose to keep pushing the envelope?

Perhaps the biggest question of all, is to wonder how aware we are of the choices that we are making to either step into our potential, pressing its invisible boundary and claiming that new territory - or not? I don't believe that it is a switch that we flip and suddenly, that is how we live. I suspect, based on my own journey thus far, I need to continually check in with myself. Otherwise, rather than drive the bus that is my life, I'm a sleepy passenger, along for the ride without any participation - and we all know the hell of public transportation!

Time to flip Baby S again. Since I've been writing, he has rolled completely 2 or 3 times in both directions but he appears to have already forgotten that he did it. He is fully capable and doesn't seem to have noticed yet. Isn't that another mother lode metaphor worth exploring?!

This is LIVING!

noreply@blogger.com (Anita) — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 17:56:00 +0000

This has been a month of great awakening for me. Since early December I've been gaining clarity daily about what comes next in my life as I move along creating new business opportunities, reconnecting with old friends and colleagues as well as making new connections. Once again, I am reminded of how easily and naturally it happens when I am clear about my need to move ahead.

Its not that I have a complete plan for the future, its simply that I have a clear sense of the direction that I am heading in. I keep taking one step at a time, trusting the instinct that guides me forward. The abundance of choice and support is nothing short of amazing! I bump into old clients in waiting rooms or at the mall. Old friends look me up after months and in some cases, years have gone by. Folks that I have worked with long ago, make introductions to just the people I need to see and I've been invited to several events lately where I never would have imagined I'd be on the guest list!

I believe it is all possible because I have finally emerged from a fallow period in my life with clarity regarding who I am capable of becoming as I get out of my own way. I've made (and continue to make) my peace with a bunch of old beliefs that simply weren't working for me. Foremost among them was the realization that I have always done things on my own. Another major discovery is that I have defined my roles in ways that are just too small and I've grown bored, and at times, resentful as my restlessness increased. Once again, I've seen the double bind of all or nothing thinking when it comes to how I live and I've decided that it is not a useful strategy for getting what I want out of my life. My awareness of my persistent vulnerability to other people's opinions has been an invitation to become much more comfortable with myself and deepened my connection and confidence in myself.

How I wish I could say I have it all conquered, mastered and figured out! I wish I could sit here and tell you that my life was total perfection!! Its not - but man, is it rife with lessons! The more I pay attention to how closely my inner conversations and impulses match my destination, the more I discover about those "old voices" that have habitually driven my choices. In fact, writing has been a terrific tool for allowing those old voices expression. Each time I see the pattern of thought show up on the page, I find myself taking a deep breath and letting it complete its journey as it rumbles through my body. I know that limiting thought or belief is not true any more and yet it is like a persistent weed whose roots are buried right into the fabric of my being, twining its way through my cells. Breathing, paying attention to how I feel on the inside rather that battle the thought in my brain or on the page, I'm discarding many old, habituated ways of thinking.

I'm not new to this way of thinking as I've been reaping the benefits of my discoveries through WEL-Systems for quite a few years. The perspective I discovered there made perfect sense to me. I immediately experienced the results in my life - it was NOT an abstract concept. I suppose the point of my entry today is simply that I am continually astonished that in spite of how effortless it can be to live this way, I find myself drifting aimlessly at times if I don't pay attention. And this is the lynch pin to so many of my beliefs, that I have to do everything ALONE.

I have been reluctant to ask for help or to seek it out. I have been ignoring the fact that even super heroes have at least one side-kick! Moving ahead toward my goals this year, I have discovered the joy that comes from not doing it alone. I've created partnerships with other dynamic women to support each other in furthering our goals and in the process I am inviting other women out there to discover that they don't have to do "it" alone either.

I'm thrilled to be partnering with Gwen McCauley as a BizSavvy Woman(TM) Facilitator. I'm creating a special interest group of women entrepreneurs in the field of Health Care as my starting point. This is very exciting for me as I know what a lifeline an group like this would have been when I ran my own business. Leadership in those circumstances can often be lonely and isolating. Many of us are experts in our field of practice but we are learning on the fly about the skills we need to run and grow a business. From my experience, I know that it is easy to lose your sense of personal identity in this type of profession. I am intimately familiar with the incredible external demands on women in these roles to be a "nurturer" to her clients in addition to her employees and quite likely her family as well. As a result, many struggle under the weight of expectations rather than living their lives and running their businesses in way that fully reflect who they are. I'm really excited about offering this opportunity to grow personally and professionally to other entrepreneurial women in health care!

I've also planted the seed for Soul Food Events beginning with a party hosted by my friend, Darlene. Women gather for food, drink, and conversations that feed their souls. At this inaugural event, the participating women will be guided in creating a holographic future and then creating a vision board. I can't wait to hang out with a bunch of women who are eagerly focused on creating their future!

After attending a number of women's networking groups and "inspirational events" and feeling dissatisfied with what was on offer, another friend and I have decided to create our own serial women' s event. Her background as a stylist and my passion as a coach collided when we shared our absolute love of the moment when a woman awakens to her potential and sees herself for who she really is. Both of us are veterans of "doing it alone" and have come to the conclusion that its much more fun to create with someone else! Our first formal brain storming session is on Friday but we are like kids in a candy store, emailing back and forth and bursting with ideas and enthusiasm!

Wandering through this entry, I suppose, in my rambling way, I am celebrating with you the power of waking up to those pervasive and limiting beliefs we hold about ourselves. In particular, the potential that opens up when we move past a belief about going it alone. Women are masters at talking and connecting with each other, and as Louise has so succinctly pointed out in Women Gathering, perhaps its time we recognized the powerful impact that women can have when we do what comes naturally to us and have an intention to shape our worlds to reflect what matters to us.

Where it will all lead - I'm not entirely sure but I can tell you that I'm vibrantly alive at the moment. I'm willing to investigate new ideas, try out new ventures and enjoy the companionship of partnering with fabulous women.

Best of all, I still have lots of flexible time to spend with my children while I allow this aspect of myself to grow and expand! I can express myself, create and be stimulated by other women who share the same interests. Now THIS is living!!

Resentment: A Cinderella Story

noreply@blogger.com (Anita) — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 15:17:00 +0000

Resentment - not a pretty word and certainly not one that women like to utter very often. And yet, I wonder how many of us live in a state of resentment and fail to notice. And believe me, dear readers, I've spent my fair share in this territory so I'm not here to preach but to share!

I toyed with calling this entry Cinderella-Syndrome as that is perhaps one of the best metaphors for the way many of us live. Socialized as the "nurturer", the "Keeper of Relationships", women seem to gravitate habitually into situations that require that they give more and more of themselves. There are plenty of studies and articles written that speak to the fact that working women have the equivalent of two full-time jobs. For women who stay at home, they have one long job that never seems to have a clear start/stop point. Add to that the burden of guilt about how little time women have with their children if they work outside of the home or, the sense of inferiority that is prevalent in women working in the home as their spouse generates income and they slowly fall off the social ladder and you have one very volatile mix.

So many of us simply take for granted that this is how it has to be. We have a belief that implies we must compromise ourselves somehow in order to care for the people in our lives. These people do not necessarily have to be children either. They might be clients, employees, friends or partners. The point is that we are so programmed for self-sacrifice that we have a hard time considering any other way to live. We simply smile, get on with it and hope that one day, our time will come.

Well, guess what - as days slide into months and years, the genius that we are gets buried under layer after layer of social conditioning. And whether we recognize it or not, resent begins to grow and fester. It either squirts out at in opportune times or gets so deeply buried inside our bodies that it begins to show up as disease and illness.

I can't tell you how many women I have treated in my years of Physiotherapy practice who expressed secret relief at having developed a condition that excused them from the obligations of work and family. Their bodies simply rebelled - screaming "enough" ! As long as they were ill or injured, they could live differently. The challenge that many faced was whether they could summon the courage to stick with a different lifestyle after the crisis. More than once, a woman has expressed regret that treatment was over and life was returning to "normal". They didn't know what it was to say "no" or to take time for themselves until their body revolted.

In my own case, I find the isolation of staying at home with my children has been my greatest invitation to notice how easily resentment begins to take root. I'm a very social creature with a pile of creativity to boot. I'm also a recovering all-or-nothing variety perfectionist!! So while I love my children, I know I must love myself first or what they end up with is a watered down version of "Mommy Dearest"!

Since the holidays I have spent time reflecting on how to create what I need in order to feel excited and inspired in my life. I re-visited my intentions and my priorities, noticing that many have changed while I wasn't paying attention. I have come to the conclusion that its time to change my mind - again - and re-orient my compass.

This is the gift of resentment - its the kick in the pants to take a good hard look at your life and then to actively choose how you are going to move ahead. Ignored, its a festering infection that becomes contagious. It is "poor me" monologues in your head or to the captive audience of friends and family. It is barely suppressed rage or tears or both. It is the burn in your belly, the seizing of your throat or the weight on your shoulders. And over time, it may become the disease in your body.

No one likes to admit that they are resentful - however, my discovery is that if you are willing to admit it to yourself, then you are in a position to choose to make it different. Its been said lots of places in this blog and in other places, that there are consequences attached to making changes - but what about the consequences attached to the choices we are living with?

Time to get off your knees Cinderella! Give yourself permission to make the changes that support your health and well-being. Grab your glass slippers and get moving, girlfriend! You will be amazed at the gifts resentment has to offer if used as a barometric measure of the quality of your life. And since none of us live in a bubble, our joy and zest for life become contagious to the other people in our lives.

The Antidote to Procrastination

noreply@blogger.com (Anita) — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 15:31:00 +0000

Lately I've been presented with a veritable Smorgasbord of choices. I'm not complaining at all! What I am noticing, however, is the way that I create things in my life and how that can lead me down a path of procrastination if I don't pay attention.

I never seem to create just one thing at a time. Instead there is always a pattern of multiple options, a plethora of choices and a whole bevy of exciting opportunities. I become the kid in the candy store. I want it all! - and somewhere in my head a little voice pipes up and says" well - you'll just have to choose." Another voice then points out "better make hay while the sun shines - you may not get this chance again." I thought that perhaps by bring it to life on the page I would begin to discover more about this intriguing pattern.

I know that when I am in flow, I have incredible energy. I am bursting with ideas and then the limitations begin to crowd in. I begin to feel like there isn't enough time to bring it all to life. I start to worry about how to fit it all in. I feel overwhelmed by the scope of what I have in mind .... and I haven't even got off the couch yet!! Well, that's a bit of an exaggeration :)

I carry this belief that once I start I MUST finish - or die trying! Along the way I've picked up all kinds of messages that say that I can't change my mind. Somehow, I have decided that I'm irresponsible if I switch mid-stream and so I have become reluctant to commit. I've acquired a belief about the scarcity of time and opportunity available to me. I wonder how many of us are limited by notions similar to these ones. I'm willing to bet that many of what we consider to be creative blocks, have their roots in this type of thinking.

When I see those limiting words on the screen, I know that they aren't mine but they were certainly directed at me. They were ways that I've been taught to stay in line. Maybe they were useful at one time but as a creative adult, they aren't useful at all. They aren't all bad- they have helped me stick with challenges, build a great career, and accomplish quite a lot of great things in my life. However, they are double edged.

If I heed them mindlessly, I procrastinate and stifle my creativity. I dismiss possibilities before they have even grown wings because of this habit of thinking. And that's all it is - a habit. If I am willing to be awake and alert as I go along, then I know that the first blush of excitement at a new idea need not fade so fast. I know I can explore, play and change my mind as I go along. I'm willing to follow this path just to see where it takes me and I can trust myself to make a choice that is based on the current experience and not influenced by old habits.

So who needs limitations?! Bring on the adventure! As Louise put it so well, I have the right to change my mind :) And as I write this, I can feel the excitement rising, knowing that I don't need to kill off my ideas in order to be focused, I can simply follow them and see where they lead. Now that's what I call an antidote to procrastination!

Have you vistited the new "Women Gathering" site yet?

noreply@blogger.com (Anita) — Wed, 09 Jan 2008 00:11:00 +0000

There is only so many hours in the day to write! Today's thoughts can be found as a comment at Women Gathering by following this link http://www.louiselebrun.com/WomenGathering/?p=18#comments

This new interactive site created by Louise LeBrun, Founder of WEL-Systems Institute, is well worth checking out if you haven't visited it as of yet.

Enjoy!

Alone Together

noreply@blogger.com (Anita) — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 13:30:00 +0000

I wonder how many times I'll re-start this entry! Oh the pressure to get out all the stuff that has been brewing and bubbling. Although its just been a few weeks, I feel like I've packed enough living into them for it to have been a few months!

These past few weeks have really packed a punch. It seems as though I have conversation after conversation with friends and strangers alike that have left me feeling decidedly alone. Alone in the pursuit of my goals, alone in my interests, alone in my struggles and in my celebrations. Standing alone.

This is not some poor me rant - I want to make that clear for all of us here. There is a profound difference between alone and lonely. Alone means that the responsibility for my life rests squarely with me. Whether I'm living a life that is fulfilling or not, its up to me to take action and make it what I want. Alone means that there is no external pat on the back and by the same token, the critical comments made by others aren't mine to pick up and carry either. I know that I am often a target for envy as well as inspiration -aren't we all? And yet, it takes true commitment to myself to ensure that I don't live my life based on the expectations of others.

We women seemed to be deeply programmed to look over our shoulders, to tread lightly and to make sure that we are never alone. In fact, I think that woman to woman, we do more to enforce these rules and oppress ourselves and each other than any "man" or institution. The mantle of our culture is just so darn thick! The conversation and contemplation of alone evokes so much beyond the scope of words within me. I'm now talking of the ripples of fear, anger, sadness, loss, excitement, and unlimited potential that all combine and rumble through me offering the promise of shaking things to my very foundation.

Alone vs. lonely..... Its not so much an "either/or" situation as a continuum. A continuum I've been dancing along for a few weeks now, and it seems inextricably linked to what I sense emerging in my life.

What I have noticed is that I'm lonely when I'm holding myself back from grabbing what I want. I'm lonely when I'm shrinking down to fit into what I think might be more acceptable to someone else. I'm lonely when I fail to speak up and betray myself with silence. I'm lonely when my pride, stubbornness and commitment to the status quo get in the way of creating something that is deeply meaningful to me.

I'm lonely when I cut myself off from my essence, my authentic self, the incredible being that I know myself to be and that clamours to get out and find expression in the physical person that I am. Use whatever vocabulary you want to represent that aspect of yourself - the words don't matter, its that knowing feeling that rises up inside you that does.

This is a makeover of monumental proportions - let me tell you!

What it all boils down to, what it always boils down to, is allowing new aspects of myself to emerge. All of the past year and a bit has been devoted to both a real and a metaphorical conception, pregnancy and birth along with the nurturing of that "newness". And while my infant son is only beginning to express his independence and ability to move about in his world, I'm an old pro! I've become adept at seeing the familiar in a new light and it no longer startles me to discover my world tilted on its axis offering new perspectives on old things or illuminating entirely new elements that I have over looked.

Taking these first steps into my once again reinvented life, I know that there is no hand to hold and no map to consult. This is my adventure and I must do it alone. Just like you must live the adventure that is your life - alone. I'm looking forward to being alone together since our paths have already crossed here!

You see, alone does not have to mean lonely. My capacity to see, appreciate and celebrate the uniqueness of another person is directly proportional to my comfort and ability to stand alone in my own life. From this vantage point, there is plenty of room for you, for me and who ever else decides to drop by! The more the merrier!! We can be alone together. We can egg each other on to greater heights, we can celebrate and encourage, we can be deeply honest and at the end of the day, we accept the responsibility for our lives rests with each of us - alone. We don't need to fix anyone or to be fixed. We don't need to make space for anyone around the table, we simply step right up trusting that each of us can and will do so when it suits us.

I'm wildly excited about what this year has in store as I claim my "aloneness"! I've found a myriad of ways to move forward in crafting my life. Stay tuned for events in the Greater Toronto area and for you online junkies - check out the newly minted Women Gathering community created by Louise LeBrun as a place to be "alone together".

Something More

noreply@blogger.com (Anita) — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 13:27:00 +0000

Where to begin in order to free the log jam of my thoughts these days? Its been an interesting week with lots of opportunities to reflect on where I am and where I'm going next. And while that flows in the background, I notice that over the course of the past week I've also invited a lot of situations that challenge my perception of who I am.

Last week I invited a bunch of Medium R's friends over to decorate gingerbread houses. They descended like a bunch of happy locusts - full of energy, gobbling up pizza, cookies, and candy with the amount of vigor one expects to accompany a gaggle of 6 year olds recently sprung from school. It was a great time for the kids. As the kids played and the Moms relaxed upstairs I found myself on the receiving end of a number of snide comments from one of them.

Now, I know that this woman is not particularly happy with her life right now. Her days are long and gruelling. Her family time is limited and her time for herself is even more scarce. I understand that intimately - AND I also know that even when we think we don't have choices about our life's circumstances (BTW - I think we always do) we can at least choose our attitude about them. Here was a perfect opportunity to relax and enjoy some time with her child and with women who have befriended her, and her choice was to be resentful and to remain that way even when offered the chance to see things from a different perspective.

The invitation for me has been to choose my company differently. I recall reading an interview with Maya Anglou once where she declared that she does not let negativity cross her threshold. There is something to be said for that. I believe that the wider context has to do with choosing to spend time in situations and with people who inspire and challenge us. For me, its women who are willing to have an open mind and be flexible in their perceptions. Its about spending time with women who aren't investing all their energy in being victims in their own lives and clinging to that constructed identity like a life raft. While I have a great deal of compassion for this woman and her situation, I'm clear that its not my job to rescue her to bear the brunt of her envy and resentment. Its my life - get your own.

Following quickly on the heels of that event was an encounter with our dental hygenist. At the beginning of the appointment we had our usual chit chat about what we were doing these days. As the appointment began and my mouth was filled with sharp little instruments, I was subjected to a tirade about how easy life is for stay at home Moms. She blamed everything from the lack of parking at the mall to a the plight of public education (in her opinion - under socialized and unprepared children from home filling the classrooms) on women who were at home with their kids. Of course, working moms like herself were noble and hard done by.

That was the longest appointment of my life! And when she was finished, I shared with her my perspective of mothering as a woman who worked up to 12 hours a day running her own business with an infant and now as a woman choosing to step off the career track and be at home. Again, I shared that the core of the issue, I believe, is in our choices. Not just a choice to be at home or not and all the social and economic things that stem from that - no, the most important choice is about our perception of ourselves in it all. I should have saved my minty breath because the only thing she resented more than stay at home moms was having her status as victim challenged.

My lessons continued but with a new twist. Last night I found a friend on my doorstep bearing gifts. I'm a recent addition to this group of friends and they have welcomed me with open arms. Our times together are infrequent but deeply authentic. These are women who unapologetically enjoy the finer things in life. They work hard and they play hard and they are endlessly curious. They aren't the type to ruminate on what doesn't work in their lives - they move forward to make things better. The contrast was hard to miss.

However, I found myself greeting my friend who was joyfully delivering gifts that were beyond generous from the three of them and I immediately felt myself spiral into a well worn habit of thought that chants the mantra of "I'm not worthy" and immediately compared my gifts to them, deciding that they were "not good enough". It took me a few minutes and a few deep breaths to realize that the invitation here was to accept myself the way my friends have accepted me. They clearly value my friendship, not for the material gifts they receive from me, but for who I am. It was a potent reminder to let myself out of the box and to celebrate who I am.

For years and years, modesty and humility were drilled into me, penetrating so deeply that I have had a hard time simply accepting who I am. I have repeatedly been disconcerted when I feel like I've been "discovered". I have gone to great lengths to blend in, homogenize and never challenge the status quo. From "teacher's pet" to "spoiled house wife" - I've tried to keep myself under wraps and out of the line of fire - mistakenly thinking that I could sufficiently cloak mySelf. All the while wanting to bust free from my self imposed limitations.

I can see that my declaration of my intention to make my life bigger and better has set some things in motion in my world. I have regained clarity and I am unwilling to either apologize for the life I have created so far or to slow my pace in creating what I want next because of the response it can call up in some women who are unhappy with their lot in life. To paraphrase Marianne Williamson, "being small serves no one". Whether or not I live up to my full potential will not make one iota of difference to those who are actively choosing not to live up to theirs. And maybe, just maybe, it will influence others to come out and play as they pursue their own potential.

Here is what is coming next - "Something More". An open circle for women who are looking for the elusive next thing in their lives and are committed to finding it and creating it. No one is there to "fix" anyone else. No one is their to air their grievences. We come together to celebrate our magnificence and to remind ourselves and each other of it. We are committed to exploring our potential in a place that celebrates and embraces our various talents, egging each other on to be bolder and brighter in our lives. We set our own pace and we chart our own course while bearing witness to each other's unique journey as a council of peers. For those who live far away, the internet is available to connect us with each other. For those close by, I am committed to creating a time and place with the help of other wonderful women in order for us to meet face to face. Can you think of a better way to step into 2008? I can't!

Moving Mountains

noreply@blogger.com (Anita) — Tue, 11 Dec 2007 14:32:00 +0000

Ahh .. a few minutes to myself while Baby S sleeps in his swing and the dog sleeps on my foot - a sure sign that I've actually been still for longer than 5 minutes. I'm not even sure where to start today there are so many things in motion, but unlike many times in the past, I don't feel like I'm juggling a bunch of spinning plates, these days I feel like I'm riding the wind. Things are moving so fast and yet I'm still here physically, in my living room with a sleeping dog and a sleeping baby. And everything is different again.

I'm living a strange paradox these days. I'm joyful and content in my family life. I love the hum of Christmas and this year feels magical. Medium R is so excited! I'm relishing my energy and vitality which now that Baby S has arrived in the world and is sleeping well, is returning 10 fold. I almost ache with the amount of love I feel for the people in my life. My skin is a useless boundary for it and it spills over and splashes out everywhere and on everyone. Life is good and now I want more - not because I'm greedy but because I know its impossible for my life to ever get too big!

The paradox comes from the undercurrent of restlessness that I feel weaving its way through my quiet moments. It comes from the wanting of solitude and at the same time, a craving for magnificent company. What do I mean by that ... I suppose I miss the sense of community I once felt when I could regularly join in with other "WEL-women", my nick name for the women I have met along my journey through the programs I have taken as my route to self-discovery. Women who are exciting, inspirational, unwilling to settle in their lives. Women who are ready and willing to have raw conversations that make a difference in their life and in mine. Women who recognize and embrace the power of their existence and won't settle for anything less.

I have many wonderful women in my life here, but not many that are in a place where they are ready and willing to enter the deep end of the pool when it comes to conversations like I have grown accustomed to. Having tasted the potency of those simple, honest conversations, and the power they have to change lives, I find it hard to settle for anything else. Conversations that move things and that reveal things about ourselves in moments of mutual discovery.

After years of peeling back the layers for myself, I know the power of those moments and I know that way of moving through the world is not for everyone. However, I also know that many women have never been given the safety and space to expand into that way of expressing themselves and as a result, its difficult to reveal themselves fully. We are taught how to be so adept at camouflage in our own lives that we embrace our chameleon ways as who we are - someone who blends in rather than stands in full, blazing colour as a beacon.

I suppose that where this heaviness in my chest and burn in my belly is taking me - to the conclusion that its up to me to create what it is that I crave. Its up to me to make the spaces in my life larger in order to invite women into that safe and sacred place where we can start peeling back some of the layers and peeking beneath. A space where conversations happen that are outside of the usual rules about social engagement and become exciting and challenging. Places where we come together with a willingness to leave the familiar behind and chart a new course. A space where the facts that we are magnificent, powerful and whole is the de facto starting point rather than a wistful destination - because nothing can ever change until we acknowledge that and are willing to see it in ourselves as well as the others around us. Our lives may not always be a reflection of our those states but they remain true nonetheless.

I can stay awake in my life on my own but I know there is even more joy to be had by sharing the special connection that comes from being a part of something larger than one. With young children and a full family life to anchor me here for now, I am not currently able to seek that connection by going to Ottawa or the Maritimes, where many of my favourite playmates are. No, I feel its time for me to learn to create what I crave right here. As the old saying goes, I'll bring "the mountain to Mohammad".

And what does that mean? Its time to up my own game in life and become a whole lot more visible. Its time to become very clear about what I choose to create from intention right down to the nitty gritty details of who, when and where. Good thing I've got the energy to move mountains these days 'cause while I may not need it once I set things in motion, it may still come in handy while I bridge the gap between intention and creation!

Dirty Laundry

noreply@blogger.com (Anita) — Sat, 08 Dec 2007 02:19:00 +0000

As far as repetitive thoughts go, I have one very athletic hamster tearing it up on the wheel inside my head! Around and around it goes having latched on to a single thought that it chews on frenetically. Lately its been humming away with thoughts of how futility of creating a book is at this stage of life. Heck, there are days when I'm so exhausted by the banter of a six year old and a babbling infant that I end up relying heavily on grunts and sign language to fill in the gaps as my brain gropes for words. Those evening stretches between 4 and 8 pm are like marathon charade games from the days of cavemen. Sometime around nine, my brain catches a second wind before flat lining as my head hits the pillow. Not a lot of time to invest in language arts!

Not so long ago, in the midst of the morning rush to get everyone out the door, I was aware of the nattering of my hamster on its wheel. It was only 8 a.m. and already I could tell I was headed for a day of "poor me" thinking that could reach Cinderella proportions. And then - BAM! Just like that - it hit me. It hit me right between the eyes! A big Rubbermaid container, that is. The big bucket of mitts came flying out of our over-stuffed front hall closet and sent me staggering. Talk about getting jolted out of habitual thoughts!

The pain was exquisite and it has taken nearly a week for the tenderness to dissipate but the jolt seems to knocked something free up there. Within minutes I realized that this is what I need to keep writing about - about my life. Because my life is probably a lot like your life is - or was -or will be. We all have nattering hamsters running in circles in our brains - okay, maybe we don't all see them that way, but I'm pretty sure you get my meaning. I'll also take a wild guess that we all get stuck in a groove that is hard to shake from time to time and that we all also fall prey to a case of the "poor me's" every now and then too.

Oh my gosh, I just realized that I've been overlooking a few other warnings prior to the mitten- bin-in -the- head incident. Chief among them was the very real infestation of squirrels in my attic this summer! Yup - there is the Universe sending a message loud and clear. Too bad I couldn't have 'got' it then and saved myself the bruised nose. Then again, thank goodness I'm paying attention now as the escalation might have involved some kind of crazed wild animal incident and rhinoplasty! ..... But I digress.

After this incident, I began to shift my thinking away from how impossible it all was to simply paying attention to what was right in front of me. My irritability reduced noticeably and then along came some fabulous friends and family members who said all the right stuff at the right times. With their encouragement and a final prod during a conversation with my friend Cathy today, I'm proud to say that I took action.

I printed out most of the bits and blurbs that I've been writing about for the past year or more. And guess what? I now have a 70,000 word document - nearly 13 chapters worth of unedited material. There is an entire book there, right under my nose. No wonder something had to smack me between the eyes!

I've been piling up words and thoughts the way sand collects in a river delta. Now that I have the raw materials amassed, I've decided that its time to take the next step forward. There will be a lot of sculpting as bits get taken away, other bits get added in and stuff is rearranged but I feel confident that its all right there. Taking this step forward means I have to let go of a few personal myths masquerading as beliefs. The biggest one is that I'm not "done".

From this new perspective, I'm noticing that there are a lot of similarities between writing and laundry - neither is EVER done. The moment you think you've finally gotten it all, there is one sock stuck at the bottom of the basket. Never mind the clothes you are wearing which, in a few short hours, will hit the basket again. I confess, every now and then my inner perfectionist rages out of control and teeters on the edge of enforcing a nudity policy in our home if only to have the brief satisfaction of knowing "Yes, now ALL the clothes are clean!". (It hasn't actually happened outside of my twisted imagination, so please don't call in the authorities!)

Haven't you ever wondered what it would be like to be DONE? Done emails, emptied the inbox on your desk, - you know what I'm talking about. That's living though, isn't it? Its messy. "Done" is arbitrary. Its one more thing that doesn't really exist and can actually become a convenient way to sabotage our art, be it the art of living or other creative ventures. We are never done anything until we are in the ground and even then, depending on what you believe, we are either busy decomposing or else we are off to our next adventure. So today, I'm declaring my "doneness" when it comes to this book project. And of course, done in this case simply means that I'm on to the next loop in the spiral of manifesting a completed book.

Although I intend to keep on blogging since it is my way to explore, laugh and grow, I'm also clear on my priority to move my book project forward. I'm not certain about the new paths creative energy will take in the coming months. Its quite possible blogging will take a back seat temporarily. I've given myself the next 4 to 6 months to hone and polish the material I have. It may take less time or perhaps more, I don't know. I do know that there will be a whole lot of living happening simultaneously - just like the continual accumulation of laundry, and blogging is where I like to air that laundry by letting it all hang out! I'll likely be seeing you soon :)

Hell In the Hallways

noreply@blogger.com (Anita) — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 13:18:00 +0000

I've heard this saying a number of times ... "When one door closes, another door opens.... - but it can be hell in the hallways!"

Since the first days of 2006 and probably even before, I have been actively closing doors. For those of you who read my contribution to Sekhmet Rising, you will have had a first hand glimpse at my inner state as I chose to close the door on a career path that had become how I defined myself. I had crossed the threshold from doing to becoming the role and, in this particular case, the role was much smaller than I am.

I left behind a number of things since then and at first I felt a bit lost in the hallways. I knew the door was closed, I didn't want to reopen it but I wasn't clear what door to open next. I felt like I was standing still in the middle of a busy corridor, being buffeted by the surging crowds. Everyone else seemed to know where they were headed. They were all rushing to and from places. Some were going around and around in a revolving door but it seemed as though they were fully absorbed and even happy to do so. Others wandered aimlessly, lost and searching. A very few moved purposely.

Everywhere I looked, people were in motion. I felt like I was playing statue. I felt like time was slowing down for me and I was becoming a spectator to the mad frenzy that seemed to be all around me. I wanted to close my eyes. I wanted to burst out of my stillness and join the action. I wanted someone to wave a magic wand and break my spell of stillness and then hand me my new room assignment. There I stood, rooted to the spot. Swaying like an underwater plant as the tides of people surged past, swaying me to and fro. I could see all the doors. The choices were staggering - and I was still.

Every now and then, I decide that I'm tired of waiting for the next door to open and I start elbowing my way in. So far I've found myself in a number of broom closets where the space is so tight I have to back out. Other times I've burst through the door only to find myself in a hushed room filled with folks that are sleeping and aren't at all interested in waking up - so feeling apologetic but certain that sleep isn't what I want, I slink back out leaving them to their slumber. I'm not ready to take on the task of shaking them all awake.

Once in a while I drop into a party room. I like to stay for a while in these places. I soak up the ambiance and after a short stay I start to feel frazzled and overwhelmed and decide that as much fun as it is, I'm tired of hearing the same song over and over again. Time to leave. And, again, there I am in the hallway.

Waiting, watching for that door to open. The one I can't quite see from this vantage point but I am sure its there. I feel like I'm moving slowly through the chaotic crowds now. My movement is neither frenzied nor aimless - it is patient and persistent. Every now and then someone who has zoomed past me a number of times while frantically searching for their destination will stop and ask directions, assuming that given my pace, I must know where I am going. I don't.

I can tell that I'm heading in the right direction though. I've been through most of the doors that lie behind me and I know that I need to keep moving forward. I also know that it will be there - its not going anywhere, so why rush? No need to burst through that door only to fall into a breathless, exhausted heap on the floor. And its not worth getting so caught up in the infectiousness of frenzied searching because that begins to take on a life of its own and pretty soon you become so hooked on the adrenaline of the thrilling chase that you forget what it was that you were searching for in the first place. I know - I've spent time in that corridor too.

No, the next door looks different from any door I've been through before. Its someplace I have yet to have been. In fact, I never even thought it was a door at all. Standing on the threshold, hand on the knob there is another period of hushed stillness. This time it is a coiling up of energy. A deep centering breath. I can hear the rustle of things being readied on the other side and know that while I have yet to emerge through that opening, whenever I do, I will have arrived right on time.

Its only hell in the hallways if you decide it is. If you believe that its all intelligent and purposeful - even when it looks otherwise, then its not hell at all. And perhaps its not a hallway after all, but a series of antechambers, encapsulated experiences, each opening into another. Stay as long you like or move as fast as you can, either way its your journey to design, and when you are ready the next door emerges and you can choose to open it, or not.

A Spandex-Free Diva

noreply@blogger.com (Anita) — Sun, 02 Dec 2007 00:09:00 +0000

Back again after a whirlwind of fun, friends and festivities! In fact, I consider this to be the eye of the proverbial storm. It's December first and our calendar is already filled with events. Medium R is off to another birthday party after a great time at the movies earlier today with his "Auntie Schell". Big R and I are recuperating after two back to back galas, and well, Baby S is the only one to seem nonplussed at all the socializing around here lately. So as I rest my sore tootsies today after a night of inspired dancing in high heels I'm casting my mind back to the many Christmas parties and black tie events we've enjoyed attending over the past 10 years or more.

I have to share an observation about the whole fancy dress up thing with you. For over a year I've been living in slippers, jeans and comfy t-shirts. Twice this week I was stuffing my toes into pointy high heels and trying to cram my ass into a pair of Spanx body shaping panties about the size of my 6 year old son's boxer briefs. I even took it one step further by layering on a pair of control top panty hose- a girl can never be too careful I figured. And oh yes, let's not forget a nursing bra that was growing ever tighter as the evenings wore on.

Let me tell you boys and girls, there is only so much compression a girl can handle! Not only did I live in fear of something busting loose and injuring an innocent bystander, but I found myself wondering if our troops overseas could benefit from the technology created for use in the women's undergarment industry.

All this squeezing, molding, compressing got me to thinking about how we, as women, treat ourselves. When was the last time a man was concerned about cellulite or VPLs? As far as I know, no self-respecting man would be caught dead trying to shimmy, pummel and squeeze his derriere into a spandex under garment in order to make himself more appealing to the eye. Take a moment to build the mental picture - its worth it!

So why are we so ridiculous? Why are we willing to contort ourselves and sacrifice our comfort?Even those of us who are no longer in the market for a mate continue to jump through hoops in order to meet some kind of external standard of beauty. Why are we trying so hard to be something we are not - and calling that beautiful?

And who made up the rules anyway? I don't think a group of women sat down and dreamt up some of the outrageous standards that make up our cultural definition of beauty but a heck of a lot of them have not only taken those rules to heart, but have taken up the cause. Maybe all these control garments have cut off the circulation to our brains!

Like so many other nominalizations, beauty is just one more thing that means something different to everyone. Its unlikely that across all cultures, heck even amongst individuals, that we could ever completely agree on a definition of beauty. That is what makes it so unattainable. The bar is always being raised, the sands are always shifting and none of us will reach that fictional Utopia called "perfection". Unfortunately, some of us will actually die trying.

In our pursuit of external beauty, we can easily become distracted from the care and feeding of our souls - where, although some may consider it to be hokey, I happen to believe true beauty lies. Beauty is our essence and its our nature. Its our birth right. Underneath the layers of nylon and spandex, the makeup and hair products we are these incredible, beautiful spiritual beings. We are irrepressible in spite of our attempts to reign ourselves in. Imagine the Greek and Roman goddesses becoming completely absorbed in a hangnail, a snag in their robe or - gasp-a chin hair?! Our magnificence as goddesses in our own right by far eclipses those mythological creatures of beauty and power. And what are we paying attention to?! - certainly not the god forces we truly are!

Which brings this message even closer to home for me these days as I have been investing my attention in places that tend to compress my spirit. My connection to my soul happens through writing. Once again, I've let it take a back seat to the rest of my life. And once again, I notice myself descending to the level of thinking and acting that I like to call 'domestic slavery'.

No one puts me there. Its someplace I willingly go. I can so easily become completely mindless about this aspect of my life that it can take me a few weeks sometimes to wake up and notice that my life has taken on an aura of drudgery and I've developed a Cinderella Complex. Better than a few years or decades I suppose, but a waste of precious time and energy nonetheless. Although these commodities are abundant, why live like this if you can choose otherwise?

In the whirl of fun times with friends and family I have come to realize that my time to write is just as essential as any other vocation in our busy family. Rather than continue to pick up all of the slack in our household over the holidays, I've begun to ask for help. And these are becoming very detailed and specific requests. I've found that it isn't always sufficient to point someone in the right direction with the assumption that they know what it is that I'm asking.

I've also come to realize through a very insightful conversation with a friend, that what I might consider to be "bossy" is not necessarily how I am perceived through someone else's eyes. A set of specific instructions might just as easily be received with relief at not having to figure something out. And its not my job to guess at how someone else feels about my requests for help or to anticipate challenges and adapt my request before its even been uttered. All of which I have been so adept at doing that I don't even notice it happening.

This is spandex for the soul!! Sooner or later something will give and an innocent bystander will suffer the consequences! Where do you think the expression "she snapped" came from?! An expression I've heard uttered in hushed tones when no one thought I was listening, I might add!

Furthermore, why make myself uncomfortable and bent out of shape by pretending to be something that I'm not? I'm not an invincible domestic super hero (-although at times I think I come damn close!) I'm someone who loves a good time with family and friends, who adores all the trappings of Christmas and who must write in order to feed her soul - and if that means that my family needs to step up to the plate in order to enjoy all the comforts they have grown accustomed to (like hot meals and clean clothes!) then so be it!

As a self professed goddess, I intend to enjoy my life to the fullest without the restriction of a bunch of old habits. And that means that I'm making it up as I go along, asking for help and letting go of a bunch of old ways of thinking about myself that are simply too limiting. Bring on the cocktail parties, the meandering Christmas lunches and delightful coffee dates with friends. This diva plans to enjoy the holiday season making sure she takes care of her soul - learning to receive the love and support that comes from including family and friends in her pursuit of joy instead of assuming she always has to be the one to give it.

PS: If you too are ready to bust out of your spandex - real or metaphorical, I encourage you to share this link with another diva! Divas unite for a "spandex" free existence :)

Treasure Map: My Journey Home

noreply@blogger.com (Anita) — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 13:14:00 +0000

I had a good chat with my friend MJ last night - too short as always, but still very revealing. I listened to myself speak and felt wave after wave roll though me as I confided my uncertainty and sense of longing when it comes to writing. I continue to have this need for a destination, a need for something more. My life is wonderful and yet I still crave something - and the missing ingredient far too often is me.

I can fill lots of roles, meet any kind of external expectation but when it comes to me, I feel a bit lost. Furthermore, I find that "lostness" hard to confide but there is no point to denying it because it is always threading its way through my writing and my conversations.

When I first sold my business and a few months before becoming pregnant with Baby S, my husband asked me, "So what's the plan?" I know I could have made up a bunch of possible plans in a heartbeat, but none of them would have meant anything. My answer; "There is no plan." Why, because I have lived with a plan for so long, usually reflecting someone else's expectations, that I felt I needed to discover what it is to live without a goal, at least for awhile.

Well, I'm not liking it much, I can tell you that! And yet, I can't betray myself once again by entertaining the thought of committing to a plan that doesn't fully reflect me. And so I continue to wait for clarity to arrive while I test various directions, trying them out to see how they feel.

I keep coming back to writing. Writing is where my true self lives. It is where I can find myself in the mist of a day full of the cries of a teething baby, the needs of my older son and the myriad of things I have willingly taken on to support my family. Writing is the place where I emerge, where I begin to remember the wholeness of me. I'm not mommy or wife or friend or organizer here. I'm just me. I might be a mixed up, bone tired me - but I'm still 100% me.

My conversation with MJ last night highlighted my sense of disconnection and underscored why I continue to write. This blog is my breadcrumb trail back to me. Its the evidence that I continue to exist and its fulfills my desire to be seen in the world. When asked about why writing a book is important to me I discovered its because I want to be heard somewhere other than in my own head. I also want a conversation that isn't distilled to just a few lines but that can grow and evolve over a longer stretch, even if it is conceived in little snippets.

Before any of that can happen, I have to show up more completely in my own life. I hadn't realized how I had begun to shrink. Back to the body image stuff - it would seem that my increasing girth is inversely proportional to my shrinking presence these days. I'm falling into old habits as I make new friends. I'm pulling myself back and diluting my intensity in both fun and serious matters.

And where does that leave me at this moment? I'll keep you posted because this is what I believe my book is about - uncertainty. Between uncertainty and a precise goal there is a whole range of experiences, possibilities and discoveries to be made. Since I am journeying through this territory, I have decided to begin creating a map as I pass though self doubt to self trust, from static old identity to one that is in constant flux and the many other destinations that have yet to be uncovered. This map will be a record of my journey and perhaps offer a few sign posts to other explorers. I need to write it because its my treasure map back to me.

Phfttttttt.......

noreply@blogger.com (Anita) — Fri, 09 Nov 2007 13:57:00 +0000

Phfttttttt.......The exhalation begins. And with it, much of the tension in my body begins to dissolve. I've been holding this breath for so long that it is only as I begin to let it go that I can notice how stretched and strained I have been. Try it - puff out your cheeks and notice the prickly burn that sneaks in within seconds. No wonder I have felt like there are ants under my skin!

While I have been merrily spinning around in my life, something else has been stirring. An urge to express what I can't seem to find words for. It is as though all my creative bursts over the past month have just been the tremors for what is yet to come. My growing inner agitation is more like excitement when I stop and notice how it dances through my body.

I've been holding my breath in a vain attempt to manage something that I have never experienced before. I'm trying to squeeze this urge to express into a nice, orderly structure. Something manageable and tidy. Something that doesn't disrupt any one's schedule - including mine - and that doesn't rock the boat. You know the old drill - don't step on any one's toes. This feels like trying to wedge a Hippo into a broom closet all the while pretending not to notice that its bulging out all over the place!!

The conversation that dances between the parts of myself sounds something like this:

"Hippo? What Hippo? Oh - you mean that little thing. Well, I was going to tell you about it when there was a good time."

"Yes, I know its a bit large and unwieldy and it will cause a bit of disruption in our routine."

"Oh and I know what it costs to feed Hippos these days - never mind the vet bills! But you see, it followed me home one day and I can't seem to shake it. It was pretty little at the time but since I started to feed it - well, as you can see, it has really grown. And, I must confess, I've gotten pretty attached to it."

" No I don't have a name for it yet. I'm starting to learn how to speak 'Hippo' and I'm sure it will tell me its name in the near future."

"Yes, I've been getting a bit nervous around it too. Its awfully big - but I've seen those cartoons of Hippos in tutus and it gives me comfort to know that such a large beast has a sense of humor and some grace. I think it will be alright if I let it out of the closet."

"Yes - I will take responsibility for care and feeding - and, yes, for cleaning up Hippo crap too!"

And thus, with exhalation (and not one of exasperation, I might add!) project Hippo is revealed. Its up to me to continue care and feeding - and now that I'm not trying to compress this poor beast any longer, I wonder what fun and havoc it will wreak in my tidy, orderly little world.

By the way, does anyone know how long it takes to learn to speak Hippo?

Waiting to Exhale

noreply@blogger.com (Anita) — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 18:27:00 +0000

I've been having a hard time getting back into the swing of writing these days. I suppose, like so many things in life, there is an ebb and flow when it comes to writing. Its as natural as breathing in and breathing out - usually.

Seems like I've been a bit stuck on the inhale of late ... ahh ....inspiration. I wrote a few days back about how some conversations just seem to stick around until we choose to either move on or make our peace with them. In both instances there is room for something new to blossom in their place. At the moment I feel a bit like I have fully exhaled and with that here has been a rush of creativity evidenced throughout last month in blogging, baking, decorating, entertaining.

These past few days feel more like the pause before the inhalation begins. There is a still point in between breaths - an anticipatory moment. A beat in time that is in limbo between the two states. I feel like I am wandering there.

In this still point I notice that I can choose what it is that will fuel my next breath. What will my inspiration bring to me? Will I continue to indulge in mindless TV or will I seek out something more stimulating? Will I jump into the many different social events that seem to jostle each other trying to elbow their way into an already busy schedule once November comes along ? Or will I be more selective, choosing quality over quantity, exhilaration over the exhaustion of over-extension?

For the past few days my temperament is best described as all itchy and sharp edged. There is something floating just below the surface that feels gritty and prickly. I'm restless and indolent all at the same time.

Its like that feeling when you have when you bet a friend that you can hold your breath under water longer than they can - just because. And there you are under the surface with the golden light swirling just above, feeling like time has stopped even while your heartbeat ticks off the seconds as it begins pounding in your ears, the squeeze of pressure growing in your chest, clawing its way up your throat to your mouth, your nose and finally the pulse behind your eyes and ears becomes deafening and you burst through the surface gasping and laughing all at the same time!

If we could remember being born - I wonder if it would feel that way? Is that why its so fun to play that game? Maybe its because we are always certain of our next breath. And so we stretch ourselves, we dare ourselves all in the quest for the moment when we break the surface and suck in that sweet air .... and know that we are alive. We are alive and feeling the sun warming the top of our head and breathing deeply and laughing hard.

Inhale ... exhale. .. inhale .... exhale - the ebb and flow that is our life continues. The ebb and flow that is MY life continues, even if I have yet to break the surface. I'm mesmerized by the light dancing on ripples, lulled by the slowing of time under here. I can feel my heartbeat growing more insistent, pulsing, urging me forward toward the surface. Reminding me that I need to let out the breath that I have been holding in order to suck in that fresh, sweet air.

My problem hasn't been inspiration .... it is that I've been holding my breath for so long that I've forgotten to exhale. I'm attempting to stack breath upon breath. And in the space where inspiration could happen, there is a stale balloon of something completed and waiting to be released.

Exhale... inhale...exhale ...THAT is the rhythm of my life and I'm shooting to the surface.....

Ousting the Tyrant

noreply@blogger.com (Anita) — Fri, 02 Nov 2007 17:44:00 +0000

I've been away from my computer for the past few days and I noticed how challenged I felt to return today. Its not that I don't enjoy writing my blog, its more like a feeling of stiffness and disuse.It takes a few keystrokes to loosen up. The clue for me today was noticing how tempted I was to ramble on as I wrote an email to a friend. Once my fingers started moving, a whole conversation started pouring out. It was then I recognized that I've been in conversation with myself for the past little while and I didn't like where it was taking me.

It seems that when I'm not writing, the conversation in my head starts moving faster and faster, swirling like dust in the wake of a speeding car. I think I am both the speeding car and the dust! Part of me keeps moving ahead and the other bits, things like habitual thoughts, keep swirling and spinning until they settle down again, resigned to be obsolete. Sometimes that road looks mighty dusty! And sometimes there is more dust on my car than I care to admit!

Writing seems to help those repeated thoughts find their home. I can only stand to write the same thing a few times over (alright - some times its closer to 20 -30 times over!) before I get the message and do something about it. Its really difficult to face yourself on the page or the screen only to discover that you are still whining, rambling, wishing , hoping... you get the picture. It gives me great insight into the murmuring that goes on under the surface. Murmurs that I have long since grown bored of and now try to tune out. Murmurs that become insistent over time and begin to wear down familiar paths simply by virtue of their repetition.

Giving those murmurs voice is a the start of a making a choice. I can stick with the very familiar refrain and in doing so admit to myself that I am making a conscious choice to whine, ramble and generally marinate in this state. Alternatively, I can begin to choose something different.

Lately I've been marinating in thoughts of body image. I tell myself over and over again how fat I am ... all the while eating mini-chocolate bars! I remind myself that I really should get moving ... and by this I mean more than simply chew, chew, swallow!

I am even catching myself in the midst of the most unlikely moments taking pot shots at myself. Yesterday while enjoying the musical Dirty Dancing, I was taking in the incredibly toned and flexible physiques of the dancers (not just the guys, I swear!) and I could hear myself whispering, "you'll never look that fit". Well of course not! Unless I plan to join a professional dance troupe, rehearse for hours every day for the next 10 years and in the process, turn back my biological clock by about the same number of years. Acckkk! What a crazy-making Tyrant I have living in my head!

And I continue to feed that nasty Tyrant ... both food and energy. I listen to it. I let it walk all over me. I take on its messages about how I can never be enough and I have to ask myself WHY??!!

I'm not really sure I have the answer. I suspect that it is partially because, as nasty as this critter is, it is familiar. It has occupied such a large position in my psyche that there would be a tremendous void if I were to exorcise it. I suppose it might be a bit like an abusive relationship in that it soothes me by telling me its looking out for my best interests. Its making sure that I keep on top of things. It is there to motivate me to prove myself and to perform, perform, perform. Its keeping me from becoming too noticeable. It keeps me "humble". It saves me from failing by encouraging me never to try and it reminds me of all the past losses and gains. And it heaps shame on my head for ever thinking I could be successful at shaping my outside to fit my inside.

Well, here is the thing - I'm tired to listening to the Tyrant. I'm tired of it's use and abuse. I'm tired of giving up precious mental, emotional and spiritual real estate for it to squat on like the worst tenant a landlord could imagine. I'm tired of allowing it to shape me - inside and out, because I DO look like it tells me I should. Its brand of protection is more like extortion. I am not willing to continue to pay the price any more.

I have no idea where this leads but I do know the Tyrant has its little fingers in just about every aspect of my thinking. Heck! If it even shows up at the theatre while I'm having a good time, then its gotten even further out of check than I had noticed. As for the void this nasty saboteur will leave behind, - BRING IT ON! I can't wait to see what will sprout in its place one this weed is removed.

Now I know that somewhere along the line, my Tyrant was a useful creation but oh my, has it outworn its usefulness. I dare say it has now moved from nuisance to menace. I simply cannot allow it to continue to flourish because its choking the life out of other things - including me. Its stealing enjoyment and self-confidence. Its eating up energy and sending me seeking ways to refuel myself ... ways that include chocolate binges.

So for the next few days I will give the Tyrant its opportunity to share its whining, wheedling voice on my journal pages so that it can blow itself out. Like so many bullies, I'm pretty sure that once it is revealed for the weak-kneed, controlling and shallow creature that it is, it will beat a hasty retreat. Most often its messages are more than ridiculous, they are not even founded on reality! So instead of meekly accepting them with head bowed, I'm going to stare it in the eye and give it a reality check, question, get curious about and quite possibly talk back to it. And in the end, I will simply choose to stop empowering this part of myself because it is no longer required.

And what about the part of me that is speeding ahead? Well, it is a creative fire that is growing hotter by the day. I am simply bursting with ideas, possibilities and pure joy. I found myself giggling over the Spider cupcakes I made for my son's class and the gnarly Witch's Finger cookies I baked that looked so realistic. I'm knitting. I'm writing. I'm planning the decor of our new home. I'm cooking. I'm playing. And somewhere in the midst of it all, I noticed the thought "I'm not willing to give up all this joy ever again."

I know that in the past I have squeezed out those things to make room for work and obligation. Even now, I fight the urge to be in constant motion -cleaning, organizing, packing. Doing things joylessly simply because I call them work. This week I finally allowed myself to notice that I can do them all joyfully. That my creativity is in how I choose to do them. Those tasks aren't penance in order to get back to what I enjoy - they are part of the whole dance. One feeds the other and I get to decide how much pleasure I take in living my life. Score one for me, none for the Tyrant on this front. No wonder it is pressing its cause these days. It must sense impending annihilation!

The Parent Trap - revised

noreply@blogger.com (Anita) — Sun, 28 Oct 2007 00:55:00 +0000

After first posting this piece I felt like it was incomplete somehow. In fact, I was so restless that I spent a few hours in the middle of the night seeking clarity on the things that felt unfinished and unsaid. There is a lot to be explored in this topic and I feel as though I've just scratched the surface. I'm done with this post for now but I know the conversation will continue. To each of you who contacted me, many thanks! Your feedback keeps me going :)

This has been a stellar weekend so far. Its cool and rainy outside and inside, I am wrapped in the warmth of my family. Medium R officially turns 6 tomorrow. I remember the progression of this night 6 years ago but without the detail that I expected. The memories have already taken on a patina. The rough edges of a long labour have softened. The combination of terror and exhilaration at giving birth to my first child is now eclipsed my sense of amazement at who he is becoming. Baby S is not one to be outdone and he is quickly pushing his limits, seeming to have moved from newborn to active infant in the span of the fastest three months that I have lived!

Tonight I can ignore the fact that going to the grocery store was my 30 minutes of "alone" time AND that I enjoyed it! I can get over the my ignorance as to what movies have been block busters this season - heck! this YEAR! I can see beyond the sea of toys, hot wheels and dirty dishes that litter what used to be the most sophisticated room in my home. When I step on yet another painful bit of Lego camouflaged in the carpet - I can grin and bear it. What I'm getting at is that my life barely resembles what it used to. Its messy, loud and chaotic much of the time with very little time for my personal pursuits - and yet its great - because I chose it wholeheartedly.

Its at these times, when the smell of apple crisp wafts through every room and the boys, even the dog, are freshly bathed that my contentment knows no bounds. Its in these moments that I know that I made the right choices for me. What a relief!

I've been reading "Eat, Pray, Love" and I could really identify with the author's struggle to come to terms with her life. Her eventual discovery that she did not want the "dream" of nice house, marriage and children reflects the struggle that many women have when it comes to deciding what is right for them. Waking up one day, she told herself the "truth" and left behind a marriage and lifestyle that was costing her health and happiness. Sometimes what is the right path is one that leads you away from what is expected by everyone else in your life.

There have been many times in my life when I really wondered if I was on the right track. Making decisions that had a lot of heart but were hard to support intellectually or even explain, I kept forging ahead and doing my best to have faith in myself. One thing that I was sure about was my desire to be a Mom. I just wasn't sure how it was going to fit into my life.

I remember someone once telling me that if I waited to have children until I was "ready" that I'd never get around to it. I think that what she meant was that it was okay to be imperfect as a parent. I felt half-baked at the time, having more questions than answers in my life. I knew I still had a lot of growing to do. I felt like I needed to be perfectly together -whatever that means, before having kids. Since then, I have realized that there really isn't any end point to my own growth. There was no secret "level" that I needed to get to in order to be ready. My kids have been a key to my emerging self. I'm growing along with them.

How else would I have discovered that my nearly 6 year old can drive better that I can? he can barely reach the pedals and has to peer through the steering wheel but he is clearly the better driver- at least when it comes to "Need For Speed" on the computer. After he whoops my ass he consoles me with , "Its okay Mommy, you only crashed 7 times. That's a LOT better than last time!" I also discovered that my inner drama queen lives on and will come out to joust from time to time. I am learning how to play again and I can't believe that I forgot. Yes,it is in these moments I'm really grateful that my kids have taken me on as their student.

In spite of my trepidation at becoming a parent, I always knew that I wanted to have children. I was absolutely crushed to discover that after all those years of trying NOT to get pregnant, when the time came to conceive it seemed as though I couldn't. I could and likely will write pages and pages on my journey through "infertility" - just not today.

Today I would rather talk about the Parent Trap. The societal belief system that presumes we should all want to bring children into the world. There are all kinds of reasons that people have children and many of them are quite misguided in my opinion. Having a child for a specific purpose other than honouring the miracle that they are, is irresponsible. Children do not save a marriage - they become another hostage in a hopeless situation. They are not pawns to live out your fantasies, to be used to live vicariously through. They are not chattel.

Far too many people have their ambivalence tip toward having children simply because by tacit agreement all women in their child bearing years "should" be settling down and having families. If they aren't then they suffer judgements about their ambition and priorities in life. I know that on more than one occasion as I struggled silently with infertility, people would take it upon themselves to politely upbraid me about my priorities in life. Perhaps I should be less ambitious in my career. Maybe I should work less and give up being a business woman. Little did they understand that my work and business were my outlets for much of my grief and longing. The list of "helpful" suggestions, was long and hurtful even if it was well intentioned. It gave me incredible insight into how you can be treated when you are perceived to be stepping out of the pack when it comes to having children.

I am blessed to know a number of fabulous women at a variety of ages who have made the conscious choice to not have children. Their fertility isn't the issue. No, they made a very clear choice in spite of the pressures that be. They were able to hold tight to the vision of who they are and who they could become - and a mother was not a part of that identity. I applaud them!

There is no substitute to being completely clear within yourself about who you are and who you want to become when it comes to crafting your life. That clarity and commitment to yourself will guide you through the quagmire of to be or not to be a parent and all the stuff that will inevitably arise no matter what your choice. If you are ambivalent and sitting on the fence, you should know that just like any other choice in life, there are consequences on both sides of the equation.

Your capacity to survive and thrive once you decide has a lot to do with how clear you are about yourself so that you own your choice. Don't sell yourself out based on public opinion. And please don't hedge your bets about whether you will be alone in old age - having children doesn't guarantee companionship and care taking into your golden years.

Not making a choice ... is still a choice! Sorry to point it out but I would be doing my job if I didn't tell it to you straight. Nothing wrong with that. Its okay to wait for clarity but don't fool yourself into thinking you can avoid a decision forever. Who wants to wake up one day and realize that their life is what it is by default?

If you are about to embark on the stage of life where the question of having children is becoming more insistent, avoiding the parent trap is only possible by knowing yourself first. You don't have to know yourself perfectly or even feel like you have mastered this thing called life. You simply have to allow yourself the opportunity to become still and quiet so that you can hear and feel what you want...what you really, really, really want. You already know the answer - I believe that. Just be honest with yourself. If you are questioning yourself, take a moment to decide is it your voice that you hear or is it the clamour of someone else's beliefs and opinions? Is it your Mom's desire to be a Grandmother? Is it your friends who are changing lifestyles based on the choices that they have made? Is it your partner's dream but not yours - or vice versa?

Don't unwittingly fall into the Parent Trap - becoming 'trapped' in beliefs that aren't a reflection of what you want. Parenting has a lot of tough, exhausting, challenging, heart breaking moments. It is also a wonderful beyond words - if it is what you choose. If its not what you want then I can only imagine that it would feel like a trap.