MotherHeart

Godly Confrontation

noreply@blogger.com (S Lori Richter) — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 21:33:00 +0000

Paul Tripp’s book, War of Words has made me realize that I’m not skilled at confrontation. I am guilty of all of the items on his list of “Why Is Confrontation So Scary?” that starts on page 136.

I have used my words in confrontation as a tool against others. I’ve used confrontation to protect myself rather than guiding the other person in to a more intimate relationship with Jesus. As a result, I’ve opted to avoid confrontation. I confront only when I can’t find an easier way out.

I especially have difficulty with #4 - inflammatory language, condemning words, and emotional tones. My verbal and physical communication is negative and off-putting: an edge in my voice, a slightly raised eye brow, or physically leaning away from the person instead of toward. Processing this in very specific detail has been so useful in that it has helped me to be able to identify specific heart-behavior problems and then follow up by identifying specific godly heart-behavior solutions.

All of this points to a heart problem in me - I am for myself – that leads to a behavior problem. It’s a steep learning curve. Pursuing the First and Second Commandments in my behavior begins with a new posturing of the heart. It means laying down my own life for my brothers, acknowledging that it is God who preserves and protects me, and having a heart that desires to bring glory to God and not myself (heart-stuff). Then my confrontation changes and becomes a loving movement toward the other person (behavior-stuff). I can communicate authentic, selfless care for the other person, which results in a loving expression of my eyes, voice, and body.

I have this picture in my head of loving confrontation that has motivated me toward a new heart posture and change in behavior. It comes from the Charlie Brown cartoon. Pigpen was filthy. A cloud of dust was always around him anywhere he went, no doubt settling on anything and anyone he was around. That’s what I want to be like, only with love instead of dirt. I want a cloud of selfless love to be coming off of me, settling on anyone near. I want them to experience the love of God (the incarnation of Christ through me) just because they happened to cross my path. In the language of Paul Tripp that means being an effective ambassador for Christ, an “instrument in the redeemer’s hands”!

noreply@blogger.com (S Lori Richter) — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 18:00:00 +0000

In Speaking Redemptively, Paul Tripp connects the dots between the First Great Commandment and the Second. The gist of what he writes is that if I’m loving the Lord God with all my heart, “my practical goal in life will be to please God in everything I do and say.” And, “One sure fruit of such a heart commitment to God is that I will love my neighbor as myself.” These are new thoughts to me. I have always believed that loving God and my neighbor were heart attitudes. I’ve never considered what the implications of loving God with my whole heart and loving my neighbor as myself are on how I live and behave from one day to the next.

I love God a lot. Sometimes, I even love him with my whole heart. Honestly, this new understanding changes everything because I struggle with loving my neighbor. In Instruments of the Redeemer’s Hands, Tripp further states, “You cannot love your neighbor as yourself if you do not first love God above all else.” Now, I understand that the reason I struggle with loving my neighbor is because I have treated those relationships as though they belong to me and I’ve used them to serve my purposes (making me feel valuable, for comfort when I’m sad or lonely, etc). They don’t belong to me. They belong to God.

Two changes are needed in applying these principles to my life. First, I must go to God as my source and stop using my relationships for selfish purposes. That means that when I feel lonely, sad or need affirming, I go to God because he is the only one who can really comfort or affirm me. I can practically do this by going to spending time with God in prayer and in the Scriptures.

Then I will I treat my relationships differently when I incarnate the love of Christ in those relationships. Rather than wanting people to approve of me help me to not feel lonely, I’ll go to God for approval and comfort. Then my energy will be freed up to love my neighbor by being the hands and feet of Jesus in their lives. I’ll look outside of my own need to see the needs of others and have a heart that desires to “please God in everything I do and say.”

The Good Parent

noreply@blogger.com (S Lori Richter) — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 22:05:00 +0000

When I read scriptures about identity that state that I am adopted into God’s family, I really think “no, it’s as though I am adopted into God’s family”. It’s really a figure of speech: a metaphor or simile. It’s like I’ve been adopted into God’s family. When I read scriptures like 1 John 3:1-3 which says “that we should be called children of God, and so we are” what I hear is it’s kind of like we should be called children of God.

But, I have been adopted by God! I am his child!

When each of my children was born, I instantly experienced a deep love for them. I love lots of children but when it comes to my own, I LOVE them; they are mine. That’s the kind of love God has for me. When my child is struggling, I care about his or her heart as they walk through a difficult experience. I’m glad to help them. I want them to know they're not alone in the situation and that I will help. That’s the kind of love God has for me!

When I forget that I am God’s child I forget that he is with me and that he helps me. I think and behave as though I am alone; I swindle myself out of a loving God-child relationship with my Father. I default to I’ll just have to take care of myself and that’s a scary thought.

This truth changes me. I am comforted because God is with me in every circumstance. I can freely love others because I am God’s child. I have nothing about myself to protect. God, my Father, will protect me. I know God provides for me. He is The Good Parent who takes care of me.

Relying on Gifts From the Hand of God

noreply@blogger.com (S Lori Richter) — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 22:30:00 +0000

I am worried about moving to Houston. My husband starts working there in 2 weeks. Our family won’t move until our house sells so we’ll be living in two different cities during the work week. The last time this happened, it took 3 years for our property to sell. It was incredibly difficult. It hurt to be away from my husband. How could God have allowed that to happen? I fear that God won’t move quickly on my behalf. He didn’t last time.

I correct myself saying, “God is sovereign over selling this house. This is nothing for him.” But those words don’t change me because ultimately I’m still on the throne. In Seeing With New Eyes, Powlison says, “No one can truly change who does not know and rely on gifts from the hand of God.” Though I think I am “relying on the gifts from the hand of God”, I’m not. The result is the bad fruit of anxiety in my life. (Philippians 4:6-7) I’m living out of self-determination.

Without God’s help, I cannot change. Left to myself, I function as my own god. I see myself as being too big and God as too small. I’m overwhelmed and afraid of what God is going to do.

The way I’m functioning doesn’t match what I know is true. While I believe God is sovereign, I function as if I know better than God in this situation. While I believe God is good, I function as though God will not be involved in selling our house. I’ll have to make the house sell (as if I could).

My anxiety lies to me, telling me that I have to make the move happen. My anxiety distracts me, keeping my thoughts focused on the “craziness” of the move rather than on what a great God I serve, how small these circumstances are for him, and how much he loves and cares for me and my family.

All I know to do is to cry out to God, “Father, have mercy on me. Change me; you are the only one who can. Cause me to know and rely on the gifts from your hand. Don’t let me forget that you are moving us, not me. Don’t let me forget your faithfulness, greatness, and mercy. Don’t let me forget your love and care for my family. ”

Not By My Will

noreply@blogger.com (S Lori Richter) — Tue, 30 Aug 2011 14:28:00 +0000

When I was a kid, I used to wake up each morning and commit myself to God for the day.

This morning as I was praying, I found myself repeating that familiar declaration, "Lord, I commit myself to you." Though this time, when I said it, I realized that this is something that I cannot do. I can't, by my will, commit myself to God. I have the desire but lack the fortitude. My flesh, my self or sinful nature is too strong. (Just as a side note - if we could, by our own will commit ourselves to God, it would negate the need for Christ's death on the cross.)

My experience on this side of heaven has been that I easily fall out of loving God and into loving myself (or what I want). It's like when someone flips a switch or pushes a button. Right now, that button is usually that that I feel someone has belittled me or disrespected me. If the right button is pushed, I flip back to self.

So, this morning as I prayed, "Lord, I commit myself to you", I paused and rephrased my desire. "Lord, I press into, move toward, look to, strive toward, proclaim my need for you today. Help me to lay myself down and not be committed to myself. Help me to glorify you.

Learning to Refect Christ

noreply@blogger.com (S Lori Richter) — Wed, 10 Aug 2011 23:11:00 +0000

I have struggled all my life with feeling belittled. It usually looks like this: Someone says or does something that makes me feel unappreciated or under-valued. I take offense. I turn inward and mope and sulk and play the injustice of it all over and over in my head. I tell myself, “Don’t they know how sweet and good-natured I am. How could they possibly not like me? If they were better people, I wouldn’t have this problem.” Sadly, I have some broken relationships in my past.

I haven’t had a name for what I was experiencing but I am familiar with the process. It’s only been recently that I’ve even come close to being free from this reaction to being belittled. I have repented of pride and being self-righteous. I see that Jesus died for MY sin not just the sin of all those bad people out there. (I know – pretty ugly!) I want to reflect Christ in this area of my life.

Christ-likeness: Someone belittles me. I know that God loves and values me. He enables me to love and value others. I live humbly, laying down my life for others because my need for value is not met by them. It is met by Christ. The result is that I reflect Christ!

Psalm 119

noreply@blogger.com (S Lori Richter) — Sat, 06 Aug 2011 22:20:00 +0000

God is good! Psalm 119 is clear. God gives understanding, judgment, wisdom, and truth. He provides, protects, and even seeks us out when we stray. He keeps us from wandering. In Jeremiah 32:39, God says he will give his people one heart and one way. This is my desire.

I’m not good! I am short-sighted, shallow, and fickle. At the smallest discomfort or threat I withdraw my gaze from God, his goodness, and his provision. Worry and anxiety become my modus operandi. I struggle with a lack of wisdom and understanding. It is said that what’s inside of you comes out when you get squeezed. When I get squeezed, I see the issues I’m grappling with through a filter of selfishness, crushing circumstances, and/or my culture. It’s not the most dominant of my weaknesses. I have much bigger failings. But it is the one screaming the loudest at me in this moment. I understand the predicament of the father who asked Jesus to heal his son in Mark 9 who said, “I believe; help my unbelief!”

Psalm 119:36-37 says, “Incline my heart to your testimonies, and not to selfish gain! Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things; and give me life in your ways.” O God, give me understanding so that I can walk in truth. Help me to understand your Word so that I can put it into operation in my life. Give me wisdom so that I can attach and apply truth to life’s struggles. O God, pursue me, seek me, find me!

The Gospel

noreply@blogger.com (S Lori Richter) — Thu, 31 Mar 2011 19:08:00 +0000

For those who have never heard the Gospel:

We are sinners. I am a sinner. You are a sinner. God is perfect, holy, and just. Our sinful nature separates us from him. Though God didn’t need to, He sent his Son; perfect and without blemish, to die on the cross for us. Through his death on the cross, Jesus paid our sin-debt for us. The Bible tells us that Jesus, a God-man who never knew sin, actually became sin on our behalf that we might become the righteousness of God. (2 Corinthians 5:21)

He alone is able to save us from our sin. He alone can bring change, hope and new life. "And there is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved.” (Acts 4:12)

Whether or not we believe in God doesn’t determine whether he exists. He is a big God, full of mercy and grace. He is powerful - he simply spoke the world into being and he has protected his word, the Bible, through the ages. His word is living - his Spirit meets us as we read, revealing truth, and himself to us. You can go to the Word and know him.

Self-protection vs. the Ministry of Reconciliation

noreply@blogger.com (S Lori Richter) — Thu, 31 Mar 2011 16:42:00 +0000

God has called us to lay down our lives in the ministry of reconciling others to Christ. He never called us to a life of self-protection.

I've protected my family from climbing too high in trees, crossing the street without looking, and talking to strangers. I am a mama bear, searching the horizon, looking behind bushes, always on the prowl, looking for anyone or thing who could harm my cubs. When I really think about it I've spent an amazing amount of energy protecting my family.

I've spent a lot of time protecting them from "bad people". Kids that cuss or drink or use drugs - the unsightly, the dirty, the ill-behaved, the not-so-desirable.

This is difficult. Should we allow our children and families to be involved with sinners? Do we pull in from the outside and protect our own?

Do we share our lives with those who don't know God? Do we live from the inside out - living out of an overflow of our relationship with Christ?

When we look at the life of Christ, the answer is absolutely yes! Jesus loved, served, befriended, healed, and fed the poor, the prostitute, the adulteress, liars, thieves, and the sick.

It's true, unbelievers are a bad influence. They are sinners. Here's the deal. These children (or bag ladies, homeless, poor, Wall Street bankers, or suburban housewives) need to hear the amazing truth of the Gospel. There are unbelievers who live around us who need to know Jesus. (Truth be known, I'm a sinner.)

We aren't the ones who hold our children in God. God does! God saves and protects his sheep (our children and us).

John 10:27-29 My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand.

Thus, I conclude: God never called us to a life of self-protection. He has called us to lay down our lives in the ministry of reconciling others to Christ.

I am so convicted. A change is necessary in my life and heart. I want to get involved with the messy, dirty, undesirable. I'm praying that God will give me a heart to intentionally build relationships with people I'm not accustomed to even noticing. I'm praying that God will compel me to give my time, energy, and money to these new relationships. I'm praying that God will bring people into my life who need to hear about him. When God does bring them, I'm praying that he will help me to be obedient.

I don't yet fully comprehend what this looks like. God give me grace to glorify you and obey!

The alternative is unthinkable. It means I have clean, well-behaved children, a nice house, good food on the table . . . a safe life - while those outside my world go on through life having never heard the truth of God's great love for them.

2 Corinthians 5:18-21 . . . God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the the message of reconciliation, Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

Quotes on Shame from: When People are Big and God is Small by Ed Welch

noreply@blogger.com (S Lori Richter) — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 15:57:00 +0000

Notes from Lori are in parenthesis.

Page 66 "Shame is something that we do to ourselves and is done to us." (The shame we do to ourselves is caused by our own sin. The shame done to us is done by others through acts of victimization.)

Page 66 "Jesus was sentenced to death in the most shameful manner possible - naked and on a cross. He felt shame, but he was innocent. He suffered the shame of others that was placed on him."

Page 67 "God extends his compassion and his mighty, rescuing arm to take away shame. Jesus both experienced shame and took our shame on himself, so shame no longer defines us. In fact, by grace through faith, it is no longer part of us. Then, in an act that seems inconceivable, God goes a step further: he marries and exalts those who once were shamed."

Isa. 54:4-5 Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of you widowhood. For you Maker is you husband - the Lord Almighty is his name - the Holy One of Israel is you Redeemer.

Page 67 - 68 "For every one look at myself I must take ten looks at Jesus. I must meditate on these loving promises from the mouth of God. If I think that I am beyond grace, I should be corrected. Such thinking is based on the unbiblical assumption that our works can either keep us away from God or move us towards him. It is a denial of grace itself. It suggests that there is some righteous act I must perform in order to meet God halfway. This, however, has nothing to do with to gospel of Jesus. The gospel is only available to people who know they are unclean."

(I find it interesting that all forms of suffering have shame that accompanies the suffering. I don't like using words like "all" but in my experience this is true. Suffering can include depression, loss of job, anxiety, loss of someone you love, illness, etc. There seems to be an assumption that we did something wrong or that for some reason, God's favor isn't with us. It is the shame associated with suffering that causes us to isolate ourselves just when we need others the most. )

Sadness

noreply@blogger.com (S Lori Richter) — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 15:23:00 +0000

I can fall in love with a new puppy instantly. Last week, Bekah and I found a sweet pup at our shelter for her. He was part shepherd and part a lot of other things which only made him more interesting. When asked what breed he was, everyone kinda said, "Humm . . ." He was active, social, and very loving.

I puppy-sat for the weekend and enjoyed the pup. On Saturday, he started started throwing up and had diarrhea. By Sunday night, he was gone. It's so sad.

I'm sad for the loss of the pup; I'm really sad that Bekah is having to go through the loss of her new little friend. Even though he wasn't mine and was new to our family - it still hurts.

God heals our hearts. I've experienced it. Though the process sometimes seems to take too long.

Hebrews 4:16 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

God is still God

noreply@blogger.com (S Lori Richter) — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 15:43:00 +0000

Just a thought to ponder . . . no matter how I feel today, God is still God. How I feel doesn't change God's existence, character, or love for me. He always works "all things together for good to those who love God". Romans 8:28

God is the unchanging constant in life. Our emotions, or feelings, have ebb and flow and are always changing. I know this but when something happens that threatens me, I struggle. Here's what usually happens. A life event happens that I don't like. I have a negative flood of emotion. I panic . . .

I like to compare myself to Billy Bob Thornton who plays Davy Crockett in The Alamo. There's a line in the movie where he bravely says, "I've got to warn you, I'm a screamer!" The only difference between me and Billy Bob is that I scream because I'm chicken! Yup, that's me - a chicken screamer.

I've been praying about learning to deal with this flood of emotion. The cycle is almost always the same: bad thing happens, I assess that this cannot be good, I forget that God is working all things together for my good, panic, and then I react in a way that I wish I hadn't.

Somewhere in this scenario a major flaw in my thinking has occurred - I'm not understanding that regardless of the event, God is still God. I begin to look toward something else for life, security, love, value . . .

So, I'm practicing learning to think differently; then I can actually choose a godly response. So, bad thing happens, I look to God and say, "God, I'm so glad that You're in control and that You love me. You love me even though You know me. Thank You that I can relax and watch to see what You're about to do."

Actually, it goes something more like this. "God, are You seeing this?! Can You believe that such-and-such happened or so-and-so said that. I'm glad You're here, in control - taking care this. I'm glad that You love me even though You know me. Hey, that means that You love them even though You know them. What do You want me to do now? Relax and watch what You're about to do? Oh, makes sense."

Reality: God is good and big and in control. This nothing for Him.

Busted

noreply@blogger.com (S Lori Richter) — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 13:56:00 +0000

I actually saw a kid who was "bustin' a sag" loose his sag - his shorts fell down around his knees! And being a "cool" kid, he actually refused to pull up his pants for several seconds - he walked down the street with his shorts around his knees. Wish I had a picture to share with you . . .

Tethering

noreply@blogger.com (S Lori Richter) — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 14:32:00 +0000

A tether ball is a tall metal pole anchored in a tire that's filled with concrete and has a long rope attached from the top. Joined at the end of the rope is a volleyball. Two people stand on opposite sides of the pole and hit the ball. The object is to hit the ball winding it all the way around the pole. The players pound the ball trying to hit it above, below, or even through the other player. It's a great game to play when you need to unload stress.

I'm seeing 2 comparisons here. God is the pole. Relationship with God is the rope. We're the the ball. The world pounds us - trying to force us off course, to change direction, pounding us into surrendering.

Or, we're the pole, relationship with our kids is the rope, and our kids are the ball. The world pounds them - trying to force them off course, to change direction, pounding them into surrendering. . .

The culture our kids are growing up in is daunting. It is pounding into them that rules are irrelevant. Every rule can be bent or discarded. The new culture tells them that rules by nature are firmly fixed and therefore lack relationship with the topic at hand because relationship has give and flow and movement.

Maybe, the old culture pushed unholy rules too hard. I certainly can see that. I'm talking about rules made by people or churches or organizations and not made by God.

Josh McDowell said, "rules without relationship lead to rebellion". That causes me to pause and examine myself, my relationship (tether) with God, and my relationship (tether) with my children. By the way, tether is defined as a cord that anchors something movable to a stationary point. (pausing again)

The truth of this is hard. There are rules that are immovable. What is it that motivates Christians to obedience when the rules can't be bent? Why does David say that he loves God's law? (Psalm 119:97 Oh, how I love Your Law! It is my meditation all the day.) It's the tether. It's our relationship with God. It's the fact that God chose us. He has chosen relationship with us. He chose to be born. He chose to be human like us. He chose to die - for us. He chose to bridge the gap of our sin by sending His own son to pay the price for our sin.

What does that mean for me and my relationship with God or my kids? (pausing) Well, I'm thinking that it's the pole that anchors the rope that tethers the ball.

God is the pole that anchors relationship that tethers me. God's heart toward me is to hold me and bring me into reconciliation with Him.

I'm the pole that anchors the relationship that tethers my kids. My heart toward my children should be to hold them and bring them into reconciliation with me and ultimately - with God.

God, give me grace to tether like You.

Personal Touch

noreply@blogger.com (S Lori Richter) — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 16:29:00 +0000

So I've noticed that I'm beginning to think in FaceBook profile blurps. I'm standing at my mirror this morning getting dressed and I think "Lori Richter thinks this bathroom mirror needs to be cleaned" or"Lori Richter misses her girls".

I love FaceBook. I love seeing what you're doing. I love being able to catch up and see pictures of old friends and their families and seeing what my own kids are up to.

Sometimes, I think we're losing a needed element of personal touch in our lives because of technology. Being the mom of small children can be lonely and isolating. Days of getting up in the morning only to repeat yesterday's work can discouraging.

A long time ago, I heard a story about a mom who broke her leg. Some of you may remember the story and know who it was - if so please share - it's information that has been lost in my noggin.

Anyways, the mother breaks her leg and the father who is a businessman steps up to the plate and takes over managing the house so she can recover. He said that managing the home was much more difficult and even depressing than running a company. Here's why: normally, he could get up in the morning, go to work and pick up where he left off the day before. At the end of the day, he could look at the work he had completed and feel a sense of accomplishment.

However, when it came to managing a home, he would get up in the morning and start the day from the same place that he started the previous day. The list of work was the same - put on a load of laundry, separate arguing children, talk to children about each other loving as Jesus loved them, make a meal, do the dishes, separate arguing children, talk to children about loving each other as Jesus loved them, change a diaper, change a diaper again, make another meal, clean up a broken jelly jar from the floor, do the dishes, separate arguing children, talk to children about loving each other as Jesus loved them, change a diaper, change a diaper again, oops - forgot to put on another load of laundry. . . etc. He would go to bed at night knowing that he would only start the next day not where he ended this one, but where he started the previous day. It all starts over - from the beginning.

When my children were small, I had friends that would go out to eat lunch together. We all had little ones. And when one or all of us would begin to feel lonely, isolated, or like we just might explode, we'd call each other and go to lunch. We could go to a kid friendly place where our kids could play or watch cartoons while we visited. Personal touch was encouraging and healing. We would leave feeling like life was good and we were up to the task.

Hmmm . . . makes me think about how God created us for relationship . . . to know Him . . . to have personal touch with Him. He even sent His Son in physical form - kinda personal, I think! And after Jesus' death and resurrection, He sent His Holy Spirit to inhabit us. We were made to need personal touch; and we were made to give personal touch, and we were made to need to give personal touch.

So, back to FaceBook. I wonder if FB, email, IM, chat, text, etc. give temporary relief for our hunger for personal touch. We feel relief because we have expressed our hearts but haven't had the healing touch of a physical hand reaching across to touch ours and express understanding, acceptance, and love.

Your own health falls inside of your own boundary. It's up to you to take care of what you need. I know - right now God is dealing with me about not taking care of myself.

So, all I'm saying is don't miss out on personal touch. If you don't have a network of friends, make one. Ask for God's help - He'll do that for you! If you already have a network of friends, don't settle for band-aid - go for real healing - the way God designed us.

Letting Go

noreply@blogger.com (S Lori Richter) — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 00:30:00 +0000

We moved Bekah into the dorm at UT last Friday. I love that girl! Boy, am I going to miss her.

I honestly tried as hard as I could to not cry. I didn't want to. Of all the gals in my family, I am the worst about crying. I cry easily and often.

When I left my oldest daughter at A&M her first year, I hugged her knowing the tears were coming and feeling my chest begin to heave. There was no stopping the tears. I left her at the dorm room and asked her not to follow me to the car - I knew it would be harder to leave if she followed me. I had dreaded that moment for years. I walked down a long hall and tried to not look back. As I started to drive out of the parking lot, there she was. Aaaaggggghhhh! My heart caved. I got out of the car and hugged her one more time. I left and cried - for a long time.

When I left my 2nd oldest daughter at Trinity, I hugged her again knowing the tears were coming. I hated that moment! The tears flowed, my chest began to heave; and of all things, she patted me on the back and asked, "You okay now?"

Same song, 3rd verse - I leave Rebekah at UT. I know Austin isn't far but that really doesn't matter much. It's still the end of a phase in our relationship. I'm determined not to cry. I hug her thinking maybe I won't cry and still my chest involuntarily heaves. Tears flow. I hate this moment.

Letting go is probably that hardest part of being a mother for me. It's not that letting go is a bad thing. And it's not about losing control. It's good and the way God designed life. But there is loss involved in letting go for a mother. It's an end and a beginning. But in that moment, it feels like more of an end.

I so enjoy Rebekah (Bek, Bekah, Boo). She was born after the loss of our twins and God used her life to restore hope to us. She brought laughter and joy into our home. Her special uniqueness has kept us amazed and astonished by her creativity.

I want Bekah to blaze her own trail. I'm sure she will. It would be against her nature not to. She has always radiated an "out of the box" uniqueness. She is true, loyal, and knows how to be a good friend. She has a great sense of humor and has always seen life from a unique perspective. I know that these are characteristics that God has blessed her with and will use in the lives of everyone she comes in contact with.

A Look in the Mirror

noreply@blogger.com (S Lori Richter) — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 21:11:00 +0000

Recently, I had a very difficult interaction with someone I love and respect a great deal. I asked for advice but the counsel I received was, upon first consideration, critical of me and very difficult to hear.

Here's the strange part: when we left the meeting with this dearly loved friend, Skip, my husband, and I had totally different perspectives. Skip felt like I was the luckiest person in the whole world to have heard this person's perception of me. He didn't think that the words were hurtful or critical and he would have given anything to trade places with me. Truth is, I would have given anything to trade places too.

Isn't that weird! Skip loved the interaction while I just wanted to run away. He is a much better person than I am. While it takes me forever to see the truth in hard words, he is able to almost immediately disassociate himself personally from criticism and look at it objectively. (I use the word criticism, but Skip would say that the words my friend spoke to me were positive when considered in context.)

So, with a lot of help from Skip, I learned several things. First, I learned to listen very carefully to the whole of what my friend said. And, the whole of what he said was very caring and positive. Second, I learned to dispassionately look at the words he said. The the actual words that hurt me did have a negative connotation, but in context they were not negative. Third, I learned to look at the heart of the person - he spoke to me with tears in his eyes - he obviously loves me and if my friend were to describe himself, he would have been much tougher and used stronger language.

So here's the deal. I did need to hear his words. And what he said got me through a very difficult situation. With thought and time, I realize that I was given a wonderful gift. I've analyzed the conversation and realize that what he said is true.

The purpose of my blog is to encourage women and mothers. I believe that sometimes the best way to do that is to be honest. I struggle with confrontation. That's what this post is all about.

Sometimes it's really hard for me to see an area of myself that is not what I want to be. It's easy to say something like"I know I'm deeply flawed", and I do honestly know that, but words are cheap. A person can say anything. It's a completely different thing to take an honest look at something in myself, ESPECIALLY when someone else points it out! :)

I believe that God created us with the ability to love Him and through that experience, become more like Him. So, I'm okay with seeing things about myself that are not good, productive, or simply not propelling me in the direction in life that I want to go.

I'm so glad Skip was able to help me break out of my thick, protective crust. If I hadn't broken out I would have missed out on having the experience of disassociating myself personally from the criticism and considering it objectively. I would have missed out on hearing the wonderful things said to me because I focused only on the negative and I wouldn't have even remembered the tears in his eyes. I would have missed out on the truth in what was communicated. And I would have missed out on having relationship with a true friend.

Proverbs 27:6
Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.

I am very thankful for my true friends!

The Wedding

noreply@blogger.com (S Lori Richter) — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 23:10:00 +0000

Emily's wedding was fantabulous. It was very elegant and yet still comfortable. Emily was gorgeous! It is a great memory!

The week started on Sunday, 6 days before the wedding. Skip and I started moving loads of stuff to his family's farm in Cuero, Texas. We moved sooooooo much stuff for the wedding and reception.

The farm belongs to Uncle Bob and Aunt Dotty. It's become a place of refuge and familial connection for our family. And, Uncle Bob and Aunt Dotty have become very important to our family. I'm so glad to be family with them. They have always been generous with the house letting us use it as our own little private get-away.

The last time our extended family was together at the farm was for Skip's father's funeral.What a strange weirdity that our next big family get together would be for Emily's wedding.Ya know, in this situation, you have to look at the life of the house and wonder just what memories it holds of the family. It was built around 1900. Skip's dad was born in the house (1912) and his parent's lived there with his grandparents in the early 1930's.

So anyways, back to 2009, we built a dance floor in the front yard of the house under a massive oak tree. We love that tree. Our kids have played in it many times and now it holds a new memory for us - the tree Emily and Ryan were married under, the tree where Emily and Ryan had their first dance, the tree where Skip and Emily had their father-daughter dance, and the tree where Debby Snow and I disco danced in the reception dance-off!

Family and friends were so amazing when it came to lending a hand helping with whatever needed to be done (and there was a lot that needed to be done). I actually gained a new relationship with my sister-in-law and renewed an old relationship with my neice-in-law. I'm so grateful for their friendship. There is no way that we can ever thank them enough!

Before the wedding, I had a really hard time visualizing just how it was all going to happen. But Emily did a fabulous job (well, Emily along with a lot of help from family and friends!!!) - it was perfect!

From My Point of View

noreply@blogger.com (S Lori Richter) — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 13:59:00 +0000

Emily is married! The wedding and honeymoon are over. Emily and Ryan have moved to Washington D.C. Life feels kinda strange . . . ethereal . . . surreal.

Emily's wedding was a huge event in our family. It was an odd mix of happiness, excitement, tension, and tearing. Happiness and excitement in that we were all thrilled that Emily and Ryan were getting married. Tension and tearing in that, for the first time in our family, one of ours was establishing her own family with her new husband. It's a good, but different and difficult transition.

I've been a little surprised that women who've already experienced a wedding in their family haven't been more vocal about the pre-wedding stress. Most mothers kinda sigh a lovely "ahhhh" - like when you see a new puppy - when you first tell them your daughter is getting married. It left me feeling like something must be wrong in our family that we were having difficulty with the tension and tearing. But . . . I have a hard time believing that most families don't experience something similar to what our family did.

As I describe this to others, I find that I keep explaining that our family is very close. We have a strong family identity and our kids love each other. Their friendship goes beyond just being siblings.

Here's an example of how the difficulty played out in real life at the wedding. As the wedding and reception progressed, our family was anticipating the moment when Ryan would sweep Emily away and off they would go on their honeymoon. What a moment! If you've seen the movie "Father of the Bride", you know there's a little tension about that moment and we really didn't want to miss it.

As they got ready to leave the DJ started playing "That's Amore", (you know, "When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie - that's amore"). Ryan swept Emily up in his arms and headed down the line of guests to the car. Sarah, our youngest daughter (age 9) who adores Emily and loves Ryan (the night before at the rehearsal dinner she told him she wanted to be his BFF - Best Friend Forever), made a mad dash for the get-away car only to have to car door shut right as she got there. She didn't get to tell her sister goodbye. She cried later that night and the next morning. What a tough moment for me - I was happy for Emily and Ryan - and devastated for Sarah.

I do have a precious friend who was painfully honest with me about all of the pre-wedding tension. Thank God for her friendship. She endured many phone conversations with me and attempted to keep me level . . . attempted. And she always pointed me toward being Christ-like in my thoughts, attitudes, and actions.

This friend told me that she never had to die so much of herself as when her daughter got married. That surprised and shocked me. Being a mother is a continuous process of dying to self: giving up your own personal needs; putting another's needs ahead of your own. I feel like that as a godly mother, I've died to a lot of myself and am always surprised when I realize that there is more of my self to give up. Needless to say, my friend was right! I did have to give up a lot of my self, thoughts, wants, and wishes for Emily's and Ryan's sake; and that was tough.

I learned that it's not always profitable to say what you're thinking -- I know, obvious - right? -- well, not so much for me. I also learned that when you feel an issue is so important that you push it to a point of conflict, it might be good to consider the end result of that conflict after the issue is resolved -- like, will the conflict cause hurt or your child to feel disrespected. Sometimes, keeping relationship intact overrides the issue of conflict. I know, again, obvious :)

So sitting here with the perspective of time, I think I'm a little smarter about this wedding thing, a little wiser (I hope), but most of all I'm excited for Emily and Ryan, and their new life together. And I pray God's best for them.

Reaching Out

noreply@blogger.com (S Lori Richter) — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 15:01:00 +0000

We usually have a group of friends and acquaintances that we love and enjoy and choose to share our lives with. For some of us (myself included) we hang out with people who are like us - usually church folk.

A lot of us don't have relationships with people outside of God's people. We hang out with other Christians "like us". I've spent so much time protecting my little ones from sins and sinners. And I know that has been the right thing to do. In fact, I can't stress just how important it is to shelter children from harm that could be caused either by exposure to too much too soon or from harm that could be inflicted on them by those who would prey on their innocence. But, that's a whole other blog post.

However, as my family is growing up, God is giving me a greater desire to share my life with people who are different from me and hurting. I've realized that there are a lot of people who I'm already around every day that I can choose to share my life with.

I know the saving grace of Jesus. I know that even when I was in sin and lost, God sent His only Son to die a gruesome death as a satisfactory sacrifice for my sin. I know the pain of living separated from God and I know the satisfaction that comes from being a "friend of God".

When someone is lost - they're lost. If they knew the way they wouldn't be lost. For the people in our lives who don't know Christ, we may be the only influence in their life of someone who does know Him.

That person needs relationship with us to show the way to God. They're already well acquainted with judgment and rejection. If Jesus was here they'd get something much more engaging. They would get something they could not resist.

But then, He is here - in us!

Parenting is Relationship

noreply@blogger.com (S Lori Richter) — Sat, 07 Mar 2009 17:47:00 +0000

When Emily was 2 months old, we went to visit a friend in College Station who was a Christian counselor. Being new parents, we were very concerned about raising Emily in a godly way and we wanted to be faithful both to God and to her. After talking with our Christian counselor friend, he said something that has had a great influence on us and how we parent. He said, "It's all relationship."

It took me awhile to absorb those words. At first, I couldn't figure out what they meant. Here's a bit of what I have come to understand over the years.

We were created for relationship. God created us to be in perfect relationship with Himself. Of course, that got all boogered up when Eve and Adam sinned in the garden. But still we were created for relationship with God.

Relationship with us is so important to God that He did something unthinkable. He gave the life of His perfectly loving, pure, selfless, and only Son, with whom He had enjoyed perfect relationship for all eternity, just to restore relationship with people like you and me. Jesus is the only offering weighty enough to pay for the cumulative sin of mankind and therefore restore us to relationship with Him.

Relationship is a pretty big deal - both to God and to us. God desires it. We are created in His image - we need it.

The relationship we model to, for, and with our children is a picture of relationship with God and parenting is relationship. It's important to keep relationship with our children intact and intimate. Kids need to know that they are loved and belong to us. It's a picture of the great lengths God went to to restore us to relationship with Him.

All that being said, relationship is the glue in our lives. Whenever we've gone through difficult times, it is what has carried us through turbulent waters of parenting to the other side.

We are created by God, in His image, for relationship.

"Why You Are the Way You Are"

noreply@blogger.com (S Lori Richter) — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 16:54:00 +0000

I'm reading The Birth Order Book by Dr. Kevin Leman. I love Kevin Leman. A couple of years ago Skip and I went through a study by Dr. Leman on raising teens. It was good and we put several of his ideas to good use.

Anyways, I've never really been able to figure out my own birth order. I have only one brother - 2 years older which makes me not only the baby but also first born daughter, right? But, when I was 9 years old, my parents divorced and by 10, I had 4 step-siblings and that put me smack-dab in the middle. Then, within a year (or 2), my brother and step-sibs were all living with other parents/grandparents. So that would make me an only.

At this point, I'm clueless about my own birth order. I think I need a private consult with Dr. Leman. (Hey, that would be fun. He's a hoot.) The birth order thing is one reason that blended families have so much difficulty - the children loose their place in the family. It's not that the problems can't be resolved but both the parents and children pay a high price.

So, back to the book. In chapter 1, there is a "which traits fit you best" quiz. I like this.

First Born: perfectionist, reliable, conscientious, list maker, well organized, hard driving, blah, blah, blah. These are admirable qualities and I have had to learn some of these characteristics because of our family size, but even just reading them makes me feel kinda bad, you know, in the pit of my stomach - like these are great people but if I'm stuck on a desert island with them we'll probably be safe, eat well, and have animal skins to wear but where did all the fun go - I'm thinking this isn't me.
Middle Child: mediator, compromising, diplomatic, avoids conflict, independent, blah, blah, blah. Again, it's boring and not a comfortable fit.
Baby in the Family: manipulative, charming, blames others, attention seeker, tenacious, people person, natural salesperson, precocious, engaging, affectionate, loves surprises. Whoa! That's me, but where did all the admirable qualities go. Manipulative - who wants to admit that their manipulative. Blames others - I know I do this but yuck. Attention seeker - hmm - I love attention. I think I function as a baby in the family but I'm definitely not happy about it!
There is a 4th one - only child - it's no fun so I think I'll skip it.

So, I read on . . . Chapter 2, chapter 3, chapter 4 area all good and helpful. Chapter 4, perfectionism, boring! I skip it. Chapter 5, more perfectionism, really boring. Skip it! Chapter 6, even more perfectionism, even more boring. I skip it also. Blah, blah, blah.

I did read the chapters on the first-born (Emily and Jon - first-born son), lonely-only (Skip), middle-born (Bethany, Rebekah, Melissa). I think that is greatly to my credit.

I get to Chapter 9, last-born (Sarah and probably me), interesting but I'm skeptical - manipulative, blames others, attention seeker, huh - what does this Leman guy know about it anyway!

Then I read the first sentences of Chapter 9: "First of all, I want all you babies of the family to know that I'm on to you. I know you have just skipped the first eight chapters and started right here." He nabbed me! I guess I do function as a last-born, though I think I'm a somewhat sanctified last-born - I did read a couple of the first eight chapters!

The main reason I decided to read the book was to help understand our family dynamic and why we do some of the things we do. The book has been a great read and has answered a lot of questions about our family. It's not that it will help us to change but it certainly will help us to understand. A big thanks to Dr. Leman!

It's Been One of those Days!

noreply@blogger.com (S Lori Richter) — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 03:01:00 +0000

AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

Emily Is Getting Married!

noreply@blogger.com (S Lori Richter) — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 16:41:00 +0000

Emily, our oldest daughter, is getting married! Today we're going to look for wedding dresses and site venues for the wedding. I'm looking forward to spending a fun afternoon with her. I love her so much!

Emily was born on April 5, 1986 around 9:10 am. (I say around 9:10 am because asking anyone who has had more than 3 children to remember the time or birth weights of her children is just too much.)

I remember everything about that moment - how tiny she was, how she felt in my arms, how she smelled, and how she sounded. I also remember how I felt - that was the moment I became a mother. Whoa and wow! It's hard to explain to a mom-to-be how the love thing happens - it just does. One moment you wait in anticipation of meeting your special little one. It's hard to even imagine what they will look like or sound like. Then, the next moment, there they are in your arms and their little being is powerfully imprinted in your memory - you could recognize their look, sound, and smell from a hundred other babies. It's one of God's great gifts to us.

I'm still amazed that God trusted me enough to entrust her to me. She brings me pleasure. I'm so proud of how she has grown up and the godly woman she has become. She encourages me and motivates me to love God more.

Emily is full of grit and I like that about her. When she was 4 years old, she came to her daddy and me and said that God had spoken to her that she needed to go tell our neighbor about how much God loved her. We did. I now am so proud to say that I fully trust Emily's ability to hear and discern God's voice.

Emily is fun! She has a special ability to love people and make them feel like they are important to her. Just being around her makes people feel good. I know that will be a quality that God will use in her future.

Emily is smart and capable and has more than her share of "snap". She can be painfully honest and has the ability to perceive difficult situations. Her thoughts and opinions have become very important to me. She has a heart for living life to the fullest and loving others.

When your daughter is young, it's hard to imagine that a young man will ever come along who is deserving of your daughter. In the good moments when everything is going well, you can't imagine that anyone good enough actually exists in this world. In the difficult moments, you wonder if a young man will come along who will be able to survive her. (I know you know what I mean. . .)

I never dreamed that anyone would come along for Emily that I would feel so comfortable with, but Ryan did. I enjoy his company and he fits unbelievably well into our family. My kids love him - heck - I love him!

Ryan is amazing. Ryan loves God and he and Emily are committed to keeping God the most important priority in their marriage. He is kind, loving, and respectful of Emily. I knew he was a keeper when he told me last year that he felt that most guys don't do enough to protect a girl's heart when they are dating.

It is a privilege to welcome Ryan into our our family. Skip and I have prayed for him since before Emily was born. (I do mean that literally.)

I'm amazed that I find myself in this place. I know that sentence has two "I"s in it - I really don't mean to make this event about me - there I go again with another two "I"s and a "me". This is going to be more difficult than I thought - one more "I". Darn it! How in the world am I (double-darn) going to be faithful to my (possessive pronoun representing "I" - darn it, darn it, darn it) sweet daughter and her fiance in this new phase of life?

Skip has often said that it would be nice if a user manual came with a baby. And here we are - in a new situation that we have never walked through; and in fact we are unsure how to. Once again, we are dependent on God to enable us and provide grace to be faithful to Him and Emily and Ryan.

My Best Tidbit of Advice

noreply@blogger.com (S Lori Richter) — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 02:57:00 +0000

Several years ago, I was visiting with a friend in her front yard when her daughter came up and asked if she could do a specific something. I don't remember what that specific something was but I do remember that even I knew the mom was going to say no. My friend did say no - she and I continued our visit.

A few minutes later, the daughter ran up and asked again. Again, my friend said no. Our conversation resumed. Repeat this scenario 2 more times.

Finally, about the fifth time the daughter asked, I started laughing and said, "Oh, I get it. Recently, when she asked you - you said yes." My friend exclaimed, "Yeeeesssss!" We both knew that the daughter would keep asking for a long time, that my friend would have to continue to say no for a long time, until all hope the little girl had of getting her way would be removed.

Lesson: If you've got some "long times" in your future, spend them thinking about it before you compromise your family rules or standards. Make sure that your rules are just, right/righteous, and worthy. There is nothing worse than enforcing a "no" that, in the heat of the battle, you realize is unrighteous. And then, stand firm - - - or you'll end up saying no to your child for a really, really long time until they lose all hope of another random yes.

If you say no sometimes and yes sometimes, it makes life seem really random to your kids. It isn't. God created a world for us where He tells us what the rules are and what we can expect from Him. Personally, I find that to be very comforting because I know where the boundaries are and what the consequences are. Life makes sense and obedience is most likely when we know what we can expect.

So think about it before you buckle - the pain of saying no far outweighs the months of repeated questions that hope for another weak moment.