Motherhood Insanity

growing isn't just for children

2009-10-02T15:52:00.005-04:00

Yesterday I'm laying on a table in PT with heat on my back when that little song begins to play over the speakers. Upon hearing such a sound anyone who has spent any time in the hospital knows a sweet little life has entered the world.

Up until now that sound was so sweet and full of promise. Granted, it still is...I'm just sad because no longer will I be found on the opposite end. Go ahead, gasp, you know you want to.

Why on earth would a busy mother of 4 desire any more children knowing full well she has her hands full? Just to clarify, I'm content with my 4. It's just sad to think that I will never again touch my belly noticing the sweet movements within that indicate a miracle is approaching.

I know I'm privileged. I've had 3 healthy pregnancies. Each may have provided a couple of hiccups that allowed for discomfort but all my children were healthy beautiful babies and momma was in the hands of skilled professionals. All was well in baby land.

When I gave birth to my first son I knew immediately that I would want to try for one more. While also knowing before I gave birth to Conor that he would be my last. At the time I didn't think much of that decision other than it was the right decision for my family and I. I wasn't prepared for the emptiness that has followed.

Upon getting married I was pregnant before the year was out with twins no less. Since that moment I have been more mother than anything else. Each day began with children and usually ended as such. For the past 7 years I have either been pregnant or caring for children as my main profession.

Conor however seems to be on a mission to remind me that my baby days are numbered and sooner rather than later I will be in need of other day to day activities. I'm trying very hard to hold on to every moment with Conor, but with every moment I'm also reminded that this too shall pass.

And while I know that growth and change are good for my kids I would gladly freeze time to squeeze just a couple extra years at the current stages. The thought of the girls becoming teenagers, the thought of Michael becoming a child rather than my toddler, the thought of Conor continuing his quest for movement seems to be bringing more and more tears to my eyes.

There is a parenting philosophy that shares that at the end of parenting it isn't only the child that is transformed but the parent as well. So onward I travel since I have no other choice. I guess the saying is true,

"It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn't".

whirlwind of 4

2009-09-23T21:40:00.004-04:00

So much seems to be happening in my household. With 4 little ones running around someone is always needing something or needing to go somewhere. There is barely enough time to shower and brush my teeth on a daily basis.

Currently, the girls are extra busy with soccer and school. Reading has become much easier for Ireland while Erin continues to excel. Soccer is a hit or miss as far as how excited the girls are to play.

Ireland seems to have a natural talent for it but too often seems to be unprepared for the physical contact. Granted I suppose she does have some reason to complain as with each practice she seems to take a ball from midfield to the abdomen. That combined with a boy who seems to think that pushing and shoving girls to the ground is fun I can see how some days she would rather cry than deal.

Erin tries with soccer but would much rather be elsewhere. She wants to try tennis but I think we might have to wait a while on that one. I'm caught between being the supportive mom who lets them explore and keeping my sanity through simplifying the schedule as much as possible.

Michael continues to make us all smile while pulling at our heartstrings. He is still adjusting to daycare as drop offs in the morning are full of tears and pleas. Usually I leave him crying as I begin to cry myself. I know he has fun once I've left but leaving him is so difficult.

And Conor....oh Conor. My baby, what am I going to do with you? The moment he was placed in my arms he seemed to already know what he wanted. He seems the be the happiest and most well adjusted of us all. He also seems to be on a mission to prove he isn't just the "baby".

Tomorrow he will be a mere 6 months old and already he is crawling, sitting up, and attempting to pull himself up. I so wanted him to stay small.

Knowing he would be my last I wanted to bottle as much "baby" time as I could. Soak it in and make memories that would help me make it through the coming years.

Once again I'm reminded that my children are only mine for a short while and have their own lives to live. Time will not slow just because I desire more baby moments or sanity. I have a job to do, and raise these kids I shall do...but I can't guarantee I won't have lots of fun along the way.

saying goodbye is never easy

2009-06-02T21:10:00.003-04:00

Today was a very sad day for me and since I don't really know what else to do I'm taking the time to write because in the past that is what I've done. It's how I deal I guess.

I venture to say that everyone has at least one teacher that they can say changed their life. Helped them see their potential or simply saw them as more than just another student. Somehow they touched your life and you look back fondly on them.

I'm very lucky. Right off the bat I can think of 4 teachers that do and have meant a great deal to me. They each have allowed me to become a better person and I am very grateful.

Today however I had to say goodbye to one of them. This one in particular was a large reason I survived the latter part of my childhood. She seemed to see something in me that I was yet to see. She pushed me in my studies, found ways to include and encourage me when she knew I was having difficulty, and seemed to never question bringing me into her home to comfort and guide me when I needed it most.

Even as I type I find it very difficult to put into words what she meant/means to me. I just know that the world seems to have lost some of its glimmer and hope now that she is gone.

With her passing I am filled with regret. The last time I physically saw her was the day of my wedding. We occasionally wrote a letter filling the other in on the lives we lived and sending a picture or two but we more or less lost touch.

When I first heard she had cancer I knew I wanted to go and see her I just didn't realize how little time I had to do so. I let the opportunities slip through my fingers and am now left hoping she knew how I felt and what she meant to me. I feel as if I've let us both down, she deserved better from me and I didn't come through.

I found myself watching her daughter today. A mere 7 years old not able to understand all she has lost. I remember holding this girl in my arms when she was weeks old. Joni and I spoke of marriage, children, religion as I held this sweet tiny baby. Joni continuing to guide while allowing plenty of room for my own thoughts and decisions.

I shed tears for the mother this child no longer has, the events she will go through knowing her mom should be there with her. I do however take comfort in that no one could love her anymore than her dad and how amazingly wonderful her life will be because he is in it.

I also shed tears for the son she leaves behind. This boy I've thought of as a little brother has grown into a wonderful man with a wife and life all his own. I always knew he would do wonderful things with his life and let me just say he does not disappoint.

I had held it together through the service rather well until after all was done and we all turned to leave this boy no more leaned down to give me a hug and we both just fell into weeping. I know his shoulders are heavy now with a sister who will need him more than ever and the void left from no longer having his mom around.

It's just all very sad and the tears fall so freely now that they have become expected, accepted. So with a sad and heavy heart I say:

Thank you Joni, for everything. It meant more than you would ever know or I could express. Thanks for the car rides, the attitude adjustments, the words of encouragement, the reality checks, the hugs, the gentle pushes in the right direction, the feeling that you were always in my corner and willing to show up...and for the shower, band-aids, clothes, and motherly love that night.

trying to find those 5 needed minutes

2009-06-01T13:35:00.004-04:00

Needless to say having 4 kids is totally kicking my rear. I am finding it difficult to get everything completed during the day. So, my writing has taken a back seat which really bothers me because not only do I enjoy writing but it is also my sounding board and release of the happenings.

We have managed to make it through the wedding with very little drama and only a few tears. It was a beautiful event and I'm rather sad my friend isn't close anymore but I'm hoping to plan a trip to see her before summer is over.

The dress I wore...holy good god....my breasts look like they are coming out of it at all angles which I suppose they were. My advice for those in the future don't wear a strapless dress when you are breastfeeding and your breasts are the size of small blimps.

Since the wedding we have seen little of Sean as he is traveling as much as possible to be with his dad in Charleston. With a little luck his dad may be home the end of this week and Sean won't have to travel as far to help out.

We also have the yard sale coming up this Saturday. I have so many kids clothes and maternity clothes that I have filled 4 racks and still have at least 2 trash bags full. I'm hoping that we can make a good amount of spending cash for the beach.

Also, our first trip back to the beach since we've had Conor. His first beach trip...so sad because the other 3 where on the beach before they were a month old. I hope we are able to still make him a beach baby.

Sorry for the deconstructed posts...I'm forcing myself to at least type a few thoughts down when I find a minute. I'm truly trying to get back into writing but it's always the first thing to give up when the day is busy which seems to be a daily event.

For example, today I took both boys to the doctor's office. They each had to have 3 shots and get checked out. Let me just say, you try to take a 2 year old and a 2 month old by yourself and see how you survive.

It went well enough but it wore me out trying to keep Michael from screaming and escaping the entire time as Conor was getting hungry and we still had the shots to survive. Luckily, after shots I was able to feed Conor and get home just in time to put both boys down for a nap.

The house is quiet now thus the reason I have 5 minutes to type..but my time is up and I have to get back to getting things ready for the yard sale, working on my lists of things to get ready for the beach, and laundry/housework.

I'll get there...eventually.

2009-05-19T23:45:00.004-04:00

I'm crazed at the moment. Not only am I trying to run a house with 4 screaming kids I'm trying to prep 3 of us to be in a wedding while 2 others are attending, leaving needed childcare for the remaining O'Sullivan.

On top of wedding craziness my father in law is recovering from a stroke. Luckily, it is much better than it could have been. He can talk and move so we are very thankful. Not much to tell currently other than he will start rehab soon so we are all just playing the waiting game.

Also, my favorite book has now been made into a movie and is currently playing. I'm so excited. So I have all kinds of blogs to write if I can find a moment to write them. Here is hoping tomorrow I find a moment because I'm really excited about writing right now.

I promise longer and better posts are coming. I promise!

busy bee still at work

2009-05-12T22:18:00.002-04:00

I had so hoped to make a constant return to blogging....well it's still a little difficult.

FYI: My father-in-law is back in the hospital so please say a prayer. My girls are still playing soccer, I'm trying to get my girls and I ready to be in my dear lil sis' (Ash) wedding in less than two weeks. Which is another post...can we say nursing mom trying to fit into a strapless dress just 8 weeks after giving birth. lol Tune back in for a laugh later. Plus, I'm trying to hang out with some momma friends and keep from locking myself into the house.

Now, I'm going to return to my guilty pleasure of Housewives of NYC and hope to write more tomorrow.

busy busy bee

2009-05-04T13:41:00.004-04:00

Ok, so it has been a very long time sine I've typed a word. Granted, I have been a little busy. Don't believe me....let me catch you up.

Well, I spent a good couple weeks with a terrible rash the last part of my pregnancy which had me up all hours of the night because I couldn't sleep so I spent my time pacing and scratching. Turns out I need gallbladder surgery, yippie! On a good note though, I don't have to have the surgery right away since delivering the baby made most of the symptoms go almost unnoticeable.

Of course I also gave birth to my 4th kid, that's right I am now the momma to 4 rugrats. Conor Reed O'Sullivan was born March 24, 2009 weighing in at an even 8 lbs. He graced us with some red hair and a very serious personality.

Since then I have been adjusting to having 5 year old twins, a 2 year old toddler (oh yeah, had his second birthday a few weeks ago), and an infant. Needless to say I don't have enough spare time to visit the bathroom much less head to the basement to write.

I'm hoping however that I am beginning to get the hang of having 4 kids and will be able to start writing at least twice a week if not every other day.

So for now, enjoy some pictures of what has been keeping us so busy.

7 years and counting

2009-01-26T15:33:00.001-05:00

Today Sean and I celebrate 7 years of marriage. We have known each other for 11 years. Our dating life was rather difficult which is mainly my fault. Granted I'm not sure we would be doing so well had those first few years been easy. The phrase, "We've come a long way baby" comes to mind and is very true.

Within 7 years of marriage we have moved 6 times, had 3 children and our fourth to arrive in March, and survived two periods were work required us to live in different cities and different states.

Looking back it's easier to say it was a piece of cake because we see how far we have come and and much we still love and enjoy each other...yet....marriage is full of ups and downs, easy and hard times.

I believe the difference between marriages working and falling apart is the desire and effort put into those marriages. I was lucky enough to marry my best friend. He is the one I talk to about everything, the one who knows me better than I even know myself sometimes. And from what I know....the same is true in reverse.

We truly work as a team even if one must pull a little more weight than the other at times. We try very hard to not allow outside influences to cause us issue by discussing situations and realizing that first and foremost our relationship must always be at the top of the list.

We are far from perfect and far from having marriage figured out but we have realized that some things work better than others. We know that it takes work and you get into trouble when you are unwilling to do the work.

Some couples aren't so lucky. The quickly jump from relationship to relationship often times from marriage to marriage looking for something to fill a void which makes building a lasting relationship difficult.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm truly blessed to have the husband I have and even though I might want to strangle him from time to time (as I'm sure he would love to do to me as well) I know I'm exactly where I am suppose to be.

Sean, I love you. Here's hoping the next 7 are as crazy and wonderful as the first 7.

so when does the whole "it gets easier" kick in?

2009-01-07T21:42:00.004-05:00

Since I gave birth to twins I have been told, "It gets easier as they get older". Now while I'm sure that in some form that is true I am beginning to believe that from my perspective that statement is full of shit.

I love my kids...each and every one of them. Even if I can never seem to get their names right. I couldn't imagine my life without them, spend my days with them as my main concern and job.

However, since my girls turned 14 months old my life has been extremely interesting...even if only to me. Granted the craziness began the moment they were born. How to breastfeed two? How do change two? How to keep from going insane with two?

After Sean and I finally managed to find a way that allowed each of us to get some sleep and get the girls fed we were off and running...and rather smoothly I might add. That is until...

dun dun dun

They began to walk/run/climb. My girls became huge fans of hiding and even bigger fans of getting into any and everything that would make a mess.

Some of these rather scary yet fond memories include Finding and covering themselves and every inch of the floor in baby powder at 14 months, the girls climbing upon each others back to get over the baby gates at the young age of 17 months, at age 2 they began to team up on me.

This consisted of following me to the bathroom and while I'm attempting to pee one would run off and go straight for the door. While one entertained me the other would run outside and hide. Then they both began running outside and hiding. They of course did this naked on several occasions because for some reason I am still yet to understand they hated having to wear clothing, and took every opportunity to undress.

From this point they began to venture into the road on these escape adventures leading to a neighbor having to return them inside. How embarrassing to have to run for the door as your pulling your pants up because you just know that it's over the girls. And yet again, they were naked.

After this moment I installed alarms on all the doors so at least I was capable of keeping up. This alerted me immediately but amazingly 2 year olds are fast. They would take out the door running and I would find them hiding in a house that was still under construction across the street.

I spent many a day during their "toddler" stage crying. I just couldn't keep up and at every turn they were working together, against me.

This gave way to potty training which needless to say is one of the most difficult things I've ever done. There are days in which I still believe one of my daughters will be in middle school before she finally gets the full hang of it.

Now the girls spend their days trying to get into anything and everything they know they are not suppose to touch. Still playing in baby powder, still putting toothpaste on the floor and attempting to use it as glue (or at least that is what I'm guessing was the motive). They still climb cabinets to get into food they know they are forbidden to have and still hiding anything that might get them into trouble underneath anything they can find.

So if you spill your drink, the only logically answer is to cover it with dirty clothes and pray that mom doesn't find out....or if you find yourself unable to get to the bathroom in time to pee you should shove your stinky underwear underneath your brother's crib because mom would never look under there. My favorite thus far has been been the let's just throw it behind the tv.

At age 5 my girls on well on their way as kids. Yet it is more exhausting than when they were 4 days old and wanted nothing but to eat all the time and never sleep. I honestly believe it's getting harder and harder as they are getting older.

While so many seem to find the infant stage to be the craziest and most exhausting I have preferred it with all 3 of my kids. My little boy is still so loving and will just cuddle with me when it becomes bedtime yet, I still miss those days when he would just smile and wiggle vs. running and screaming.

It is amazing to watch them grow and become little people instead of these little helpless babies and yet there are days when the thought of them continuing to grow and become more independent is enough to send me searching for the nearest closet and a stiff drink which neither are possible currently.

Easier???? Not a chance, easy parenting is in the beginning when you do nothing but feed, change, and love. This whole allowing and teaching children to become self sufficient productive adults is exhausting....and my oldest kids are 5. The only thought I am left with is "God help me when they become teenagers."

back to the norm

2009-01-05T11:37:00.003-05:00

Today the girls returned to school after almost 2 weeks off. So to some degree life is returning to our norm. Mornings are busy with the girls rushing around getting ready for school and husband getting ready for work.

However, I'm surprised to say I miss my girls. I was very anxious with such a long break. Michael and I had worked out our routine while the girls were in school so to have that interrupted left me feeling somewhat out of control.

To my surprise the break was rather nice. No rushing in the evenings to get every thing in...no rush to stick to a strict bedtime. It was, shall we say, relaxed. While there were some hiccups along the way it was enjoyable.

So today, the house is much calmer, quieter, and lonelier.

While on the break I finished the baby's room. I painted it and then Sean and I put the crib together. Still several items needed and more decorating needed but if something should happen that baby boy arrives early...we are ready. That is if you don't count we are still in need of a name for our little guy.

It felt good to get the room ready and yet strange to think another little life will be entering our home before too long.

With each pregnancy I've been nervous. Constantly concerned that something might not be exactly right. How would we handle the change? The first, twins, I was mortified. How could I possibly care for two lives at once with no previous experience and no help. We lived 7 hours away from family and Sean was starting a new job.

With Michael I was just worried about how adding another life would change the family dynamic. We had perfected the family of 4 thing and while I was so excited to have my little boy I was worried about how I would deal with twins plus an infant.

This time, more than any other time, I'm worried about health. Thus far, we have been given no reason for concern other than extra heart tests which turned out fine. Still I have this nagging feeling that this one might prove to be more than I can handle. What if something goes wrong?

I should point out that I've worried about the health of the baby with each pregnancy so maybe the "more than any other time" is simply that I'm currently in the midst.

The next several months should prove to be very interesting with my ever growing belly/baby, girls full time in school and starting the soccer season soon, Michael a constant toddler, and momma trying to prep the house for another little life.

It's hectic, crazy, full of energy. So, yes, it's life back to normal for us which even though I miss my girls is nice because it means we are moving forward.

27

2008-12-17T21:01:00.002-05:00

Today is my birthday and while my husband seems to be taking great joy in pointing out I'm no longer "young" I have the feeling I haven't been "young" for a very long time.

Looking back at the years that have passed I'm struck by the number of birthdays that were in so many ways just another day. My mother always did a great job of celebrating the day I was born but to me the hype of the day sometimes didn't transcend.

As kids we tend to build up such days, look at them as they are to be the greatest day, almost as big as Christmas. Often times such hype can leave us wanting.

As an adult I know that while my birthday is special it is in actuality just another day. Life beyond my own front door continues to pass with little notice of it's meaning to me, which is just as it should be.

Another thing I have noticed about my birthday is that for some reason I'm saddened by the day. I remember at 13 spending the day in my room, mostly crying. For what reason, I do not know.

My 15th birthday was spent wishing my grandmother and mom were home rather than at the hospital. The next day my grandmother died.

Now, since that birthday I admit celebrating became rather difficult. My birthday simply became a reminder that my grandmother was no longer around and given that at the time I was my momaw's girl it was and still is sad to think of yet another year she has missed out on.

As the years have passed I know that there will be moments with each birthday that the sadness of her departure will creep in, I know that I have many things to be proud of and am grateful to have made it through another year.

As a child we rush to celebrate, shout from the roof tops that it's our day and as we age the shouting gets quieter and quieter until it seems to become a whisper. Eventually it becomes less of our shouting and more of those around us shouting for us, and sometimes in spite of us.

While there will always be those that do not acknowledge our birthday's and those who seem to never forget, I believe the true celebration comes from the ability to look within ourselves and mark how far we have come. A declaration of "I've made it" and the understanding that with another year passing another one waits to be explored. We may not be guaranteed tomorrow but that doesn't mean we can't anticipate the adventure that awaits.

So with that spirit in mind, here is to the coming year and the many doors that will be opened and to those that will never open. I'm sure regardless of what happens it will definitely be an adventure...one I plan to enjoy even if it pains me along the way.

Also, here is to celebrating your special day...whatever day it may be. Embrace it, enjoy it, and know that it doesn't matter who celebrates with you as long as you are doing a little celebrating yourself.

where's an elf when you need one?

2008-12-10T20:48:00.002-05:00

Christmas is a mere two weeks away. With this in mind my husband and I decided to pull down "Santa's gifts" and put them together. Since we ordered them online we had both bikes to put together.

Erin's went together pretty smoothly...meaning that after 45 min. we had attached everything minus all the stinking Barbie accessories. How many accessories does a kids bike need anyway??

Then, on to Ireland's. Pause for a frustrating scream. Over 1.5 hours later we still can't get the front wheel to attach. Suddenly, Sean looks strangely at the front of the wheel base and says..."I think it's bent" .

I look and of course, the whole frame is bent a good 2 to 3 inches making it impossible to not only get the bike together but for a child to ride if you did manage to attach the wheel. So here I am with a Tinkerbell bike that is impossible to ride and knowing I have to find one within two weeks. Maybe I could give her a bag of saw dust and tell her it's pixie dust??

So of course being 5 months pregnant I immediately went into tears. Between sobs I proclaim this is the only thing she asked for from Santa and this is all Santa is bringing (you know economy stinks thus Santa is having to cut back because who knows if he will have a job or if his company will suddenly cut pay) and how in the world are we going to ship this one back and have another shipped out in time for Christmas.

Another 30 minutes of full on tears and total dread the husband attempts to calm me down and instructs me to contact the manufacturer as well as ToysRus and see what our options are going to be.

Yet another 2 hours pass and I'm on the phone only to find out that if I want this bike I have to track it down in a store and drive to exchange it. Which usually wouldn't be such a bad thing...except I live in the middle of no where and the nearest ToysRus is 2 hours away.

So now tomorrow, I get to throw myself, my son, and a half together bike in the car to drive the 2 hours in hope that they still have one in stock. You know, since they won't "hold" one for me even though I'm driving for what will seem like forever just to exchange the one I do possess.

Also, it takes 24 hours to have them put together the bike...unless I am willing to pay $10 extra and take the floor model. So here is hoping the floor model is in good condition because I'll be damned if I have to bring another one home and attempt to put that crap together.

Granted, I know I'm being a complete baby about the thing and making a mountain out of a mole hill as they say. It's just I'm pregnant and emotionally unstable from all these hormones... so everything is dramatic. Where's the Prozac when you need it??? Guess I'll just have to pretend these wonderful kicks to my already weak bladder are the cure.

Here's a toast to all of Santa's "helpers"...hope your tinkering goes better than ours.

dr. dr. you have to help me

2008-12-04T15:48:00.002-05:00

I'm still sick. Still fighting this wonderful sinus nonsense that has plagued me for a month. So all I seem to get done each day is getting to girls off to school, feeding and caring for Michael, and fitting in as many naps as I possibly can because I never seem to sleep at night.

I'm rather sick of being sick. So I'm hoping that tomorrow when I visit my OBGYN for my 5 month check up (yes that's right...already 5 months have gone by) I'm hoping that she can do something to help me get well besides asking me to visit my primary dr. which doesn't seem to be working out so well.

Besides just wanting to feel better I'm also having awful dreams about my son being born with extra arms, legs, and mental issues because of the meds the dr. gave me over this never ending sickness.

We also still have no name for our son. I realize I still have plenty of time but it is driving me crazy that I have no clue and haven't really liked the few options we have come up with . I'm in desperate need of some help in this department so again...any ideas???

to the next 5 months

2008-11-14T14:19:00.003-05:00

So I've been MIA for months. Just to let you know what has been going on during that time.

That's right folks, the O'Sullivan household will be welcoming a new baby boy (yet to be named) to our home this March. So here's hoping 4 children running around is as easy( laugh laugh laugh) as 3.

So, have any good Irish boy names that are masculine and fit our growing bunch???

Well, that's enough for now. I'm busy with a chest cold, a baby with chest congestion/cough, and a 5 year old with a cough. At least they aren't as sick as this mom's kids.

Here is hoping to get back into writing which has almost become nonexistent with busy schedules and my unwavering desire for naps.

Please return to your regularly scheduled programing.

a new day to day

2008-09-11T09:36:00.002-04:00

With almost 3 weeks of school under our belt I'm beginning to believe we might just make it through the year. Granted, I'm also beginning to realize my kids are getting comfortable in school, thus their attitude and sharp personality comes out to play more often while at school.

My children are far from perfect but I wouldn't have it any other way. Erin, is very quick to correct and rather bossy. While we are attempting to address this less than welcoming attitude I realize that many of the characteristics are learned behavior. So while addressing her Sean and I are addressing ourselves and attempting to curb the way we may come off to our children.

Ireland, loves to laugh and will easily walk away from a challenge. Writing her letters can become somewhat overwhelming so she just pushes her paper away while spouting, "it's too hard". I've found that a little praise goes a long way but also realizing that some things that come easier for some are not so easy for others.

Each attempting to make their way through a giant change. There are days when they voice they would rather stay home with mom or worry about the dealings that take place in the school yard. Their life is less simple, thus so is mine.

Even with these difficult mornings I see a change in my daughters. I see them growing, experiencing, and learning right before my eyes. This transformation is wonderful, but the greatest feeling...when they exit the bus and come running screaming, "mommy".

a is for apple

2008-08-27T13:01:00.004-04:00

My sweet little girls started kindergarten yesterday. While this is in no way life shattering and it hasn't sent me into a depression like other mothers, I can't help but wonder where the past 5 years have gone.

I still remember the first time I saw Erin. The doctor lifted her up over the curtain covered in blood, she cried slightly and I was overcome by the incredible feeling of love, fear, and possibilities all wrapped up into one.

Ireland, I remember the few moments before she was born. I could hear her sister crying, and I could feel her literally being pulled from me. I don't remember the first time I saw her but I remember the last moment she was apart of me, I remember the very moment before I could hold her in my arms.

The two moments though completely different are one in the same to me. The second just as important as the first. Both the very first moments I had with my daughters, my little girls.

Through the years there have been moments when I felt the task of being a mother to twins to be too much. I felt that it was a job I had mistakenly been given because there was no way I could accomplish the task.

The moments in which they climbed over and under everything, the ones in which they would run out the door and hide, the ones in which they would find baby powder or the many other hundred things kids get into and making a complete mess. I remember them learning to walk, learning to talk.

All a step towards the next milestone, the very next moment that would yet again solidify the girls independence and my ongoing job as a parent.

Ireland just a couple weeks ago thought it would be funny to cut Erin's hair. So, she quietly made her way behind her sister and cut a huge chunk out of Erin's desire for long hair. Out of love she then cut her own hair to hopefully make up for her sister's unhappiness.

Two little lives so intertwined and yet all their own. Yesterday, the grew up, even if just a little. They found themselves for the first time spending most of their time apart, each in a different room with a different teacher and different obstacles to overcome.

Yesterday, I grew up too, even if just a little. I watched as one child sat frightened and yet wouldn't let me or anyone else know it. Bravely she faced the unexpected refusing to allow anyone to know she was afraid. I watched as the other, the one I thought would have the most difficulty, openly embrace the new challenge. She said, "I'm just so excited" which was ever so present upon her ear to ear smile.

Today, I watched as they did it for the second time...and watched as the same fears and excitement stretched across their little faces.

I've gained a freedom by having the girls in school. Each morning I awake and prepare them to have another guide and direct their days. I entrust my children to another. For the first time in 5 years, I don't know what exactly happens during my daughters' day.

It may be the first step of letting go but I understand the fear now. I get the fear of not having your kids around...wondering if they will make good decisions or if the will ask for help when needed. While I understand what faces a 5 year old to be less life threatening than what they will face as teenagers or adulthood I also know that it's these formative years that help later in life.

I know my girls will be fine in the long run. I know they can handle whatever comes their way because while they are still learning to think and do on their own...I'll be right there waiting in case I'm needed. You see, that's my job and I have to trust that I'll done the best I can up until now. I have to hope and trust that even though I'm no longer a part of their every moment that they still understand I'm there for them and I have to hope that they have gained enough self-confidence and morality to begin standing on their own so when faced with two different paths...hopefully they choose to behave because I don't want to be spending my new found freedom in the principals office.

one day at a time isn't just for alcoholics

2008-07-19T22:56:00.004-04:00

Today I may very well loose my mind. For all I know it has already left, forgetting to remind me of it's upcoming absence, knowing I would probably forget it's departure anyway.

It is highly conceivable that as I write I'm not even sitting at the computer but rather sitting in a corner, in the fetal position, crying.

Motherhood is full of moments that make you so happy and peaceful that you wonder why you ever had doubts about becoming a parent. The first smile, the first time they say momma, the first I love you, first good report card, the list could go on. The problem is that these moments are not contained to mere firsts but rather spread through your child's life and yours to a point that sometimes...you miss them.

While we attempt to make every effort to hold on to these moments, recognize them as the inch closer, and savor them as they pass we realize that not each moment is a pleasurable one. Not each moment in motherhood is filled with happiness. Sometimes the sun does not shine out of our ever impressive children. Sometimes, the happenings that exist in motherhood leave you locked in the closet or sitting in the fetal position in the corner.

For six long months I have practically been a single parent. While I am still happily married I am without spouse. He resides a mere 6 hours away leaving little opportunity to help out with the children. They get sick, mom's on duty. They get hurt, mom's on duty. they misbehave, mom's on duty. They wake up in the night crying, mom's on duty.

Day after day, month after month I answer their calls. And month after month, I am reminded by their sweet faces how much their father is missed. How regardless of how much I try I can't fill the void left by the absence of their father. Those shoes, I was never meant to fill.

I am extremely overjoyed by the closeness my children share with their father. It is a relationship I have never had the pleasure to experience. I do not know what it is like to have a father love you so much he includes you in his life and shows his love without question or reason. My children, they have a father who loves them more than his next breathe. He would do anything for them, regardless if they didn't measure up.

Just this evening he reminded me that things can get worse, and probably will. While I live my life in the trenches of motherhood my tasks, my tribulations are mere pebbles to the boulders that await.

Ireland sneaking up to Erin and cutting a huge chuck out of her hair just one day after Erin had begged to keep it long because, "I want long hair like mommy." Ireland, out of rebellion over her current situation took her frustration out on her sister. Now Erin has a less that wonderful look for the start of Kindergarten and Ireland is facing a week without her scooter she just received for her birthday.

Maybe it's the fact I feel alone without my spouse around to offer the helping hand. Perhaps it's the lack of sleep. It might possibly be the fact that living in WV is proving to be very difficult when you realize that issues with parents just never seem to change and can often times become worse. Then again, maybe I'm just overwhelmed. Who knows, I certainly don't. I do know that tonight has led to a break down. A mental and physical break that is leaving me feeling down right defeated.

My husband reminded me, "it will get worse. we may have to bail them out of jail when the are older". While I cringe at the thought of my children doing something to land them in jail I'm having trouble climbing the pebbles in my path. I suppose I can only hope that as the pebbles begin to grow larger, eventually changing into rocks, and finally boulders that the smaller ones prepare me for the larger ones approaching.

If you think about it, we as mothers spend our entire lives raising our children for the one day in which they don't need us. We take these little beings into our arms when they are completely helpless. Slowly, they begin to learn, stumbling along the way. We devote our hearts, minds, and souls to helping them reach the goals until that day in which we must release them and allow them to tread ahead on their own.

I know this. I know that this is my fate. There will come a day in which the children in my care will no longer be children. There will come a day when potty training and cleaning their room will be a thing of the past. One day, many years from now, I will release my children into the world hoping that I gave them all the tools they need for success.

The only problem is that while I know this, the issues that plague a mother in the midst of raising small children can be a boulder all on it's own. Maybe the stories about poop, and feedings, and lack of sleep are boring. Maybe these stories don't connect with everyone. However, these are our stories. These are the stories of mothers, stories from mothers who spend their days wondering if the fact their child has had 5 poops in one day is normal considering normally that child only has 2. Our worries are different, but they are none the less important.

Our work weeks are long, the pay debatable, and vacation days virtually nonexistent. We spend our days working for someone who will eventually fire us because they realize they can do it on their own. There is no separation of business and pleasure. We live, breathe, and eat our jobs knowing that it's the most important job we will ever have the pleasure to preform.

I am a stay-at-home mother. That is my occupation. No, I do not have a monetary income but the fringe benefits are out of this world. And while there are days I wonder why in the hell I chose this job I know that in the end it will all be worth it....if I can just get there. I choose to be a stay-at-home mother. I realize the difficulties with being a working mother. I don't believe I'm better, or worse. I simply am. And while I make mistakes in my line of work I know I've earned respect along the way, as have others.

So I'm going to retreat to my corner, have a good cry and then go to bed. I know I can't quit my job, I know my boss is demanding. I know that there are days that you need that good cry, heck there are days when you need a bad cry. Sometimes you just need to let it out so that tomorrow you can hit the mountain running, hoping that you can at least make it half way up before you get knocked on your ass.

the journey of five years. happy birthday erin and ireland, momma loves you!

2008-07-17T00:15:00.000-04:00

2008-07-17T00:05:00.000-04:00

2008-07-17T00:02:00.000-04:00

from beaching it to sicking it

2008-07-09T08:24:00.004-04:00

So, we had 2 wonderful days on the beach...and now we've had 3 days of sicking it up. First it was Michael with a fever and all around grouchiness which was due to teeth. The kid currently has 5 coming in.

Now Erin has taken a fever and as of midnight she began vomiting. Yippie! Poor kid can't seem to keep anything down and her temp is over 103. Don't worry I've called the kids doctor (luckily I've lived here before and kept the doctors phone number!) and am hoping they will advice me on what is best for my little girl.

So instead of returning home rested and energized from a vacation it looks like I might leave more exhausted than when I arrived. Which is just proof a mom has a lot more to give than we ever think possible. We are like the freakin' Energizer Bunny.

beaching it baby

2008-07-07T09:03:00.003-04:00

I'm currently beaching it up. I'm a visitor, a tourist, and I must admit that while this wonderful place still feels like home its extremely awkward knowing I'm just a tourist now.

When spending a day at the beach I was happy to report when asked where I was from that I lived here. I was able to take advantage of the beach/ocean until it simply became too cold to enjoy. I spent time with my children on the sand long after the tourists had come and gone. I remember looking around this island and seeing very few lights on, the island now belonging to it's residents.

Looking upon the shore last evening and seeing it flooded with visitors I felt a sadness because I knew, like them, my time would end shortly. I wouldn't be here when the tourist season dies down and a wonderful calmness falls upon the island. I will miss the quiet days upon the shoreline with the kids. I will miss my spot.

The kids have also voiced their sorrow in missing this place. My girls are truly beach bum babies. They feel at home in the waves, still unsure of these crazy pools we must visit in WV for water fun. They keep insisting that we can stay with daddy. The house won't miss us they insist.

As much as I miss my ocean home I know that we are needed in WV. Sometimes being needed is just as important as liking where you live. The kids and I are still adjusting to life in the mountains but we know that once all 5 of us are in WV life will begin to feel more like home.

Until then we will enjoy the few days with our ocean and savor the moments with Sean. Hopefully within less than a month we will all live in the same state.

testing....testing....is there a doc in the room?

2008-06-30T20:39:00.003-04:00

I enjoy writing. I do it almost every day now. I've noticed however that the more I write the more my mind works as if I were writing. Take today for example.

After sending our Aussie family on their way yesterday, today was to be a return to normal schedule. While on our way to swim my father drove past us, looked right at me, then continued on his way.

I spend the next 45 minutes trying to rid my mind of the passing. If it had been anyone else I would have remained unshaken looking forward to my swim. With it being him I immediately fell apart and have remained as such.

All day I find my mind writing short stories about the passing. Dialogue runs through my mind as if I were reading a book.

"She spoke to everyone as if nothing had happened all the while wanting nothing more than to retreat to the couch. She could plant herself there for the next three days and silently deal with the pain she felt, the pain she felt every time she saw him now. She just wanted to disappear but even that she knew would not give her the answers she wanted.

Why was it so difficult to love her?

What was wrong with her?

Trying to shake the thoughts from her head she dove back into conversation wondering if her heart breaking was loud enough for everyone around her to hear? Did it register on her face?

It mustn't...no one asked if something was wrong. She would be safe at least for now. She knew that if someone were to ask she would become unglued and there just isn't time for that."

It rattles on and on in my mind about everything. Today was no different...only the context more straining on the heart, filled with a sadness, and just wanting the thoughts to vanish.

I wonder how true writers deal with this inner voice? Do they carry recorders to help catch the words spilling out or is there a trick to harnessing it so that when you sit to write it is contained and free flowing?

Or, am I simply in need of a good nap and possibly a good dose of meds from the ol' doctor?

i'd write something really smart if i only knew my brain still functioned

2008-06-27T22:14:00.004-04:00

Two weeks have passed and I am beginning to feel as if I will literally fall over from exhaustion.

Two weeks ago this evening my step-dad almost died. He apparently has been walking around with several blood clots....all of which ended up in his lungs. On Friday 13th of June, he not feeling well, ventured to the hospital only to find himself fighting to stay alive and landing himself a nice spot for several days in CCU.

Some people deal well with hospitals and relying upon others for the most basic of things....he isn't the greatest hospital person. He did fare better than expected but it was a trying week.

He is now home and things seem to be progressing. Recovery is slow and we still don't know all needed information but things are looking good.

We have also had the wonderful pleasure of having our Aussie family visiting. Husband's oldest brother and his family have come for a 2 week visit that ends this Sunday.

It has been an amazing visit. Our niece who was only 2 upon their last visit is a spit-fire at 6. Her brother who was only a few months old their last visit is a walking/talking 4 year old.

My girls have been so excited with new cousins to play with that I can barely get them to sleep at night. We have had 2 sleep overs and countless hours of family time.

We also had the wonderful pleasure to welcome a new member to the family as number 5 in the O'Sullivan household has found himself a lass who is just crazy enough to take on the O'Sullivan name in the near future. Welcome to the family M...here's hoping you can still put up with all of us in 10 years. lol

With family visiting Sean also came home for about a week which only added to our joy. It was just long enough to make his departure even more difficult. Needless to say we are hoping feverishly that he will be returning permanently very soon.

Upon all else that has been happening my mom had surgery today. Luckily everything went well and she is at home recovering and hopefully will find herself feeling better than she has in years very very soon.

2 weeks and more has happened than I can normally fit into a month. I'm exhausted and hoping that a good sleep is not far off in the distance. It's been a wonderful and difficult two weeks...but one I am sure to remember for years and years to come.

Here's hoping the next 2 are more calm. I do have two little girls anxiously awaiting their 5th birthday in 3 weeks.

Jesus poop

2008-06-11T21:31:00.003-04:00

Erin, "Mommy, I need to poop."

Mom, "okay, go to the bathroom then."

Erin, "come with me, I need help."

Mom, "okay, but you have to do it yourself."

A few minutes pass

Mom, "Erin, you need to finish pooping."

Erin, "Jesus only gave me one."

Mom, "Jesus made your poop."

Erin, "No, he just helps me poop"