Motherhood Uncensoredtag:typepad.com,2003:weblog-2575772012-01-25T08:52:11-05:00No one ever said it was going to be easy... TypePadMotherhoodUncensoredhttp://feedburner.google.comFor Susantag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a00d83451c83069e2016760f04750970b2012-01-25T08:52:11-05:002012-01-25T20:18:51-05:00I'm not quite sure when or how I was virtually introduced to Susan. I met up with her friend (and now mine) Marty on my long drive from Philadelphia to Atlanta and she told me that they were both from Mississippi. "And you read my blog?" I asked, which at the time was not full of high praise for the Southern state. I joked that Susan was probably the best and smartest thing to ever come out of that state. ***** A few years ago I wrote a post about my boobs (shocking, I know) whining about their post-partum state....Motherhooduncensoredhttp://www.motherhooduncensored.net/motherhood_uncensored/2012/01/for-susan.htmlNote to self: This is why they invented the Internettag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a00d83451c83069e20168e5eebba2970c2012-01-23T05:00:00-05:002012-01-23T05:00:00-05:00My husband and I smartened up for this recent visit from the in-laws and scheduled a much needed date night. And a few fancy drinks and an Irish car bomb later, we found ourselves scrambling around our bedroom for lube using an iPhone as a flash light and doing our best not to wake the baby who still sleeps in our closet. Now my my drawers are usually overflowing with lube since many companies so generously offer up samples for me to try and write about on my sex column. But apparently after the tragic foyer oil slick incident of...Motherhooduncensoredhttp://www.motherhooduncensored.net/motherhood_uncensored/2012/01/note-to-self-this-is-why-they-invented-the-internet.htmlJanuary 19, 2047tag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a00d83451c83069e2016760c0cc5e970b2012-01-19T05:11:00-05:002012-01-18T18:04:26-05:00His phone went right to voice mail so I called his house and she answered. She always answers. "Oh hi! It's..." She cut me off. "Hey! Sorry, no, he's on a trip again..." She kept talking but I got distracted by the kids screaming in the background. The phone beeped a few times. "Oh God! Kids! Why do they always grab it when I'm talking on it?" I smiled. "Anyway, he got the gift. It's amazing. And I know he meant to..." I know, I know. Call to say "thanks," and "how much he loved it." "Oh I know he's...Motherhooduncensoredhttp://www.motherhooduncensored.net/motherhood_uncensored/2012/01/january-19-2047.htmlThe things moms have to do for time alonetag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a00d83451c83069e20162ffb3771c970d2012-01-17T05:00:00-05:002012-01-17T05:00:00-05:00After declaring 2012 as "the year of me," I promptly started training for another half marathon, scheduled a much needed hair appointment, and showered. Four kids, people. I would have gotten a New Year's wax but the joint is closed for renovations. The nerve. After checking off all the relatively fun stuff off my list (yes, the wax is so good I consider it fun), that left the not-so-fun stuff, like finding a therapist, which, by the way, is so much more awesome thanks to the Internet because hellloooo online appointment booking system so I can type my "reasons for...Motherhooduncensoredhttp://www.motherhooduncensored.net/motherhood_uncensored/2012/01/the-things-moms-have-to-do-for-time-alone.htmlWho's responsible for the Beyonce' hospital debacle? We are. tag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a00d83451c83069e20162ff6b8399970d2012-01-12T05:00:00-05:002012-01-12T05:00:00-05:00When I heard that couples were blocked from seeing their babies in the NICU due to the birth of Beyonce' and Jay Z's baby girl Blue Ivy last week, I tried not to cringe, hoping that reports had been sensationalized by hasty post-partum attention seekers. And indeed, a post on People's Celebrity Baby Blog included a statement from the hospital's executive director citing that no parents were kept from seeing their babies and that they hadn't paid some ridiculous amount of money to remodel the hospital wing. But that's not what the New York Times had to say. According to...Motherhooduncensoredhttp://www.motherhooduncensored.net/motherhood_uncensored/2012/01/whos-responsible-for-the-beyonce-hospital-debacle-we-are-.htmlKids talk the darndest waystag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a00d83451c83069e201676049da0c970b2012-01-10T06:52:28-05:002012-01-10T07:07:40-05:00I remember the first time my son said "orange," his longstanding favorite color. It wasn't really anything special, until my husband pointed out that it wasn't "aujun," the way he'd said it since he could talk. Unlike Quinlan, who we dutifully corrected like some ridiculous parenting book told us to do so she'd speak properly and not require a private tutor and years of therapy, we just let it go. We even committed the cardinal sin and called it that ourselves. Oh shush, you do it too. One of my own fondest childhood memories is recalling all the crazy shit...Motherhooduncensoredhttp://www.motherhooduncensored.net/motherhood_uncensored/2012/01/kids-talk-the-darndest-ways.htmlThe real work of motherhoodtag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a00d83451c83069e201675ffa50e4970b2012-01-05T05:00:00-05:002012-01-05T05:00:00-05:00A few months ago I let Quinlan buy a Monster High doll with her own money. I wasn't being weak, really, just lazy, allowing my kid to bring home a doll dressed in a monokini and stiletto heels. You know, just another day at high school. It wasn't until I posted it on Facebook that I realized that I had royally fucked up. Thanks for the intervention, SubMommy. After I refused to let her play the online game, she knew something was up, and so we got into a really meaningful conversation about why I just didn't think they were...Motherhooduncensoredhttp://www.motherhooduncensored.net/motherhood_uncensored/2012/01/the-real-work-of-motherhood.htmlTurning my Momolutions into momillionstag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a00d83451c83069e20168e4cbfaca970c2012-01-02T05:00:00-05:002012-01-02T10:01:51-05:00A few weeks ago, I got an email asking me about my Momolutions for 2012. We moms are so special that we get our own kind of resolutions. Now really, just because I pushed four kids out of my vagina doesn't mean I need special treament aka ridiculous names of things that don't need to be renamed. I'm more than happy to accept a closer parking spot at the grocery store or a free coffee at Starbucks for every 12 that I buy as a thank you for the service my vagina has provided to this earth. Hell, just don't...Motherhooduncensoredhttp://www.motherhooduncensored.net/motherhood_uncensored/2012/01/turning-my-momolutions-into-momillions.htmlPost Partum Panty syndrometag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a00d83451c83069e201675f8770d7970b2011-12-28T07:35:35-05:002011-12-28T07:35:35-05:00Last week, I drove my husband's car to run some errands alone, a rare and much-appreciated occasion around my neck of the woods. So, when I went to pop the groceries in the back seat, I found these: Now, it's not every day that you find gigantic, tattered, maternity underpants in your husband's back seat. Especially when they are not yours. So I just left them there, you know, the underwear that is not mine, because, well, ew, I was not going to pick them up. And because I was sure that my husband has a very good reason for...Motherhooduncensoredhttp://www.motherhooduncensored.net/motherhood_uncensored/2011/12/post-partum-panty-syndrome.htmlI'm kind of wishing for the skee ball machinetag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a00d83451c83069e2015438dc3c65970c2011-12-25T05:00:00-05:002011-12-25T05:00:00-05:00May your Christmas be filled with wonderful things that don't look anything like this awful jean jacket my daughter got from the in-laws. {The aforementioned skee ball machine}Motherhooduncensoredhttp://www.motherhooduncensored.net/motherhood_uncensored/2011/12/im-kind-of-wishing-for-the-skee-ball-machine.html