Mountain Thinking

so many things...

2012-02-10T16:59:00.002-07:00

it's an overlord and motivation; so many things i want to be that they seem to prevent me from becoming any of them; instead i endure...

yeah, that drips with self-pity... not a flattering thing.

so i will drop it and recognize how amazing i have it, which of course is the naked truth - but the future will come and the need to secure it never fades, and so stifles my rejoicing.

everything is breakable, so how much do i need to be concerned with breaking it?

2012

2012-01-21T16:59:00.000-07:00

well.... 2012 is well on its way... been thinking of my dad a lot these days... recently looked through a photo album and read some letters that family and friends wrote a few years after he died; it's a tough exercise, it's been a long time - 1984 was a long time ago, feels like a lifetime; i have a picture of him in my home office, standing with me along side a massive tractor-scraper - i look no older than three or maybe four in the photo; it's odd to feel so close to someone that, due to time, has become a virtual stranger...

people say the world will end this year, thanks to the myans not creating a calendar past 2012... i think no one really believes it, i certainly don't; i think this year will mark big changes for me; changes i am driving for and God willing, i will see them realized; Shanna's folks have left on their mission which is just wonderful, i know they will have a blessed experience and we plan to go see them later this year in Independence Missouri.

this year we bought ski passes for the whole family, man is it difficult to see how we get everything in, so much to fit in, i worry that we wont really get our monies worth but its an experiment, we will see how it goes and will have fun none the less - even if we don't get up to the slopes more than 3 or 4 times...

my writing and guitar playing is still coming along but very slowly; when you work full time (and in another city which you travel to Monday - Thursday) and have 4 kids, and a church calling, and a spouse you love spending time with it is hard to get everything in... that's just the way it is...

i put some new lights on the house today, much better than those old brass ones (one of which would only hang upside down anyway). Brayden and Kennedi are going to an EFY thing tonight, they are great kids - i am really blessed by the 4 i got, just amazing.

Shanna made some fresh salsa today and i am very much looking forward to going and eating some as soon as i am done writing this. Last night we went to Texas Roadhouse for dinner with Todd and Kat and the Nalen's, ran into the Francom's there too and then today my lovely bride and I hit Taste of Philly for lunch - that place makes the most amazing Philly cheese steak sandwiches (i have had many others, no one compares) and a cold cream soda and piping hot french fries made for a grand time... it's been a really good day.

church basketball has kind of fallen apart, not enough regulars, so we replaced it with Friday night co-ed volleyball and that is real good times 8)

ok, that's about it, i am going to go get some salsa and probably makes some nachos too...

Spinal Tap

2012-01-03T10:39:00.001-07:00

I know it sounds like tons of fun (the spinal tap) but it wasn't! It only takes about 15mins once you get in the procedure room; they first stick a needle in a bit to deaden the area - that was uncomfortable as any of you that have had local anesthetic would think (like at the dentist) then the doc says 'now I am going deeper into the muscle' and that was seriously uncomfortable, not a fan of that at all... but after that I was numb. So another 10 mins for them to rob me of some spinal fluid, nothing too odd here but I did feel tingling throughout my right leg (kinda like when your leg falls asleep) most of these were minor and the doc said it was normal - but there was one that felt like a bolt of lightening and it was highly uncomfortable - not a fan of that. Then back to recovery (it is out patient) where I had to remain lying down for the next two hours (riveting) then they send you home and tell you to stay lying down for the next 24 hours and drink lots of water to hopefully prevent the dreaded spinal headache - which most people get to one degree or another. Well I tried hard, I stayed down, but yes I still got them. The next 4 days were boring while lying down (which was most of the time) and painful when standing because the spinal headache would set in after being up more than about 5-10 mins. Day 3 was the worst - very painful headaches on the right side of my head or in the back of my skull. But day 5 was very nice, nearly back to 100% except a slightly sore lower back...

Neurologist

2011-12-29T14:23:00.000-07:00

Went to the neurologist today (12/9/11) because the MRI done after my sudden hearing loss showed a few abnormal spots. Turns out those spots could be related to smoking or drug use but since I don't have that excuse then the next connection is MS. Now, I don't have MS because there are not enough spots but it does make them wonder so I am going in for a lumbar puncture (a.k.a spinal tap) and blood draw on the 22nd to see if there is a certain marker in my spinal fluid. If so, that still doesn't mean I have MS but it means I am a candidate and we should do something about it. If I don't have the marker then they will do another MRI in a year and see if anything has changed (hopefully nothing will have). If I do have the marker then I will start some medicine (which I hear is not cheap) to keep from ever developing MS. The stats are: 80% of the folks who have the marker and do nothing develop MS - 80% of the folks who have the marker but go on this medicine do not develop MS. So the decision is pretty clear on what to do if I have the marker. Let's hope I don't.

Got the results back yesterday (12/28/12) and I don't have the MS marker, so good news.

Cozumel

2011-12-09T15:14:00.001-07:00

This month Shanna and I were able to go to Cozumel with Ron and Sharleen Mackay to celebrate Ron's 50th birthday. Ron is a big diver with almost 100 dives in his log (he is the one that got me into SCUBA). We were there for 5 days (4 nights) and stayed at the Allegro resort. It is an all inclusive place right on the water. The bungalows and pools and beach were fantastic. The water and weather was amazing - 80 degree water, 78 degree days, crystal clear turquoise water and drift diving. Ron did 9 dives in 2 days, I did 8 including 1 night dive that was really cool. Ron's brother Bret and his wife Jeanie came as well. Bret has about 30 dives to his name. I previously had 8 but now I have 16! The food was on a scale of 1 to 10 probably about a 4, maybe a 5 so not super, but hey if you want fine dining I don't think you go to Mexico. We did go into town on the last day and got some good food there - I also found some amazing skull sculptures that I loved and really should have bought but Shanna wasn't a fan so I left them there. If I ever see them again I will get them for sure. They were only 11 bucks and you know I could have negotiated them down maybe as much as half that. Anyway, the diving was great. Took my GoPro video camera and recorded all but 1 dive. I am still editing the video and it didn't turn out as good as I was hoping. The picture is very clear but down 60-100 feet there is just very little red and yellow left to give great color to the video so it is quite blue most of the time. But it will make for a good memory video anyway. I saw a few sharks (reef and sand) saw some rays and a small turtle and one very large turtle (probably 6 feet long shell). There were lots of fish of all types, some huge Groupers, lots of Barracuda, many crab and lobster (one family of 5 or 6 lobsters under a corral ledge that were each huge!) Took numerous swim-throughs in the coral - I like those a lot! Some where quite long and kinda made you feel like you were cave diving. It was a phenomenal trip - the best part was being there with Shanna.

The whole gang at the airport after we landed waiting to go through customs. From left - Shanna, Bret, Jeanie, Sharleen, and Captain Ron

This was 1 of 3 pools, this was the relaxation pool (1 other was the activity pool geared for kids and families) it never got much more busy than this :)

Our room

This is the other general use pool

The hot tub and the ocean.

Where the ladies stayed while the guys went diving.

Dive 1 of the second dive day.

The dock from which we left for our dives, the dives were all really close but the boat was one of the slowest things in the ocean.

the upside to travel

2011-09-26T22:36:00.000-06:00

oh yeah, and we have again cashed in a bunch of my frequent travel points and are taking the family to Disneyland (everything covered but the park passes) - and my brothers family is going as well, and my mom - so we got that going for us 8) we love Disney!

learning...

2011-09-25T22:26:00.000-06:00

I am really enjoying learning how to play my guitar. I have learned about seven chords and only one song so far and while I don't switch between cords very cleanly, or play my song real well yet, I am really enjoying my simple ability to pull pleasant sounds out of this instrument. Imagine how I will sounds a few years from now! I only get to practice on the weekends because I travel so often. I get an hour or two in a day, and expect that to increase as my fingertips get tougher. I wish I could take it with me and sit in my hotel room and practice into the night - I technically I suppose I could but I don't like to check luggage and I already have two carry-ons - AND I think I would worry like crazy leaving my guitar in the hotel room all day while I am at the office. However, I have even started thinking about a way around that - I could simply request no maid service and in theory that would keep folks out of my room during the day right? Seems logical. So maybe I will travel with it one of these days but for now, no. I really love the minor chords, E minor, A minor, the speak to me more than the major chords do. I am taking lessons from a few online sites that I have found and I am pleased with how that is going. At some point I suspect I will need more, but not right now. I really love music and often wonder why I didn't pursue a profession that kept it closer to me - not being an artist necessarily, I don't suspect I have that in me, but anything in the music business perhaps. But, I suppose those are just bygones.

Everything happens for a reason

2011-09-24T10:11:00.001-06:00

People use this phrase all the time and it often bugs me. Of course everything happens for a reason, it's called cause and effect. The implication is that all reasons have divine significance or origin however is a stone's through too far for me. Yes, everything happens for a reason, but often, many of those reasons suck! Like the reason I bit my tongue months ago eating my breakfast cereal, or the reason I tripped going up the stairs carrying laundry, or the reason I sneezed and I lost half the hearing in my right ear to be replaced by a high pitched ringing. I attribute these not to some controlled nuance in the grand plan of providence but rather to the nature of this fallen and imperfect and still amazing world we now inhabit. Now, before you think me godless - I have been pleading with the God of heaven to grant me one of his tender mercies and heal my ear. I know that he has the power to do so. If he grants me this desire then I will again rejoice in his greatness, if however he sees fit not to then I trust in his wisdom and then will know that the reason has become worthy and continue to rejoice in his greatness. Rotten things happen in this life, and when we plead with him for intervention the decision is his and his wisdom is perfect. It is not for me to understand all things as God does, not yet...

Sudden hearing loss

2011-09-22T13:08:00.001-06:00

Yesterday I was sitting in a perfectly normal business meeting explaining the vision of the reporting solution when I sneezed. Prior to the sneeze I felt perfectly fine, was on the tail end of a very normal 3-4 day cold, but I was feeling good, and hearing excellent. I heard a little pop in my right ear when I sneezed, no more significant than you hear when your ears pop going up or down the mountain road, but instantly after the pop and sneeze there was a very loud high pitched ringing in my right ear and I could hear almost nothing using my right ear. I was very surprised and over the next few hours got very dizzy and somewhat nauseous. I am working in Dallas (home is Denver) so I started calling ENT's to get an appointment which was tough but got an apt for this morning which I just got back from. The otologist said he could detect nothing wrong (no fluid, or wax, or swelling, or stuff like that) which I knew was a bad sign (I figured it meant that it was something tiny and sophisticated deep inside the ear that he couldn't see or get to) and he diagnosed me with "sudden hearing loss." Great, that confirms that they have no idea why this happened. It's like going to a back surgeon with chronic back pain and he diagnoses you with "back hurts a lot" - a real confidence builder. So the plan is to pump me full of antibiotics, antiviral meds, steroids, and hope that whatever is happening can be stopped and corrected. Wish me and the meds luck... oh, he also suggested I follow up with a local ENT (I have an apt for that tomorrow) and that he will probably want to do an MRI. Good times!

My first guitar

2011-09-10T09:03:00.001-06:00

Something I have always wanted to do is learn the guitar and I finally got tired of waiting. I bought my first guitar last night off craigslist. It's a Martin D-16GT Acoustic. I got it for $750 which is a pretty good deal (they go for about $1100 new). The guy was an electric player that thought he wanted to get into acoustic and bought it and it just sat there for a few years, virtually unplayed. It's in mint condition with no signs of drying or wear. Lucky me. I know I didn't really 'need' a guitar this nice but with my gadget budget from work I have to buy something so it's a good excuse to get something that I will be happy with for a long time. It was a big decision I played by bro-in-laws Martin DX a bit, played with many models at Guitar Center comparing dreadnoughts to OM models, Martin's to Seagull's and Taylor's and others... I am pretty excited about my new axe and already have very sore fingers on my left hand but I can't wait to get back to it. It's going to make me sad when traveling that I can't practice - I could take it on the road with me, which I am thinking about, but leaving it in the room when I am at the office doesn't sit well with me, so we will see.

Crushed it, but...

2011-08-26T07:28:00.001-06:00

I was at bat, and the ball came in fast; the connection was solid, and I crushed it... but the field was deep and the air was thick and as the shot ripped the sky the crowed was with me. Oh, but that fieldsman ran long and he held his glove high. I hit my stride around second and the prize was in view out the corner of my eye, and as the final length stretched out before me, the fan's force at my back carried me onward. Within a few feet, the cheering fell to a hush and I knew what had happened somewhere behind me, in a place I could not touch. The fieldsman stood satisfied with a thick stubborn palm made of leather and stitch, and in it rest the ball I had hit.

20th

2011-07-19T11:13:00.001-06:00

I attended my 20th High School reunion this weekend. I was pretty skeptical about what the experience would be. On Friday night there was a BBQ at the park and on Saturday night a more formal dinner in downtown Boise at a place called the Rose Room. Upon arrival both evenings there was the first 5-10 minutes of looking around thinking, 'hmm, alright, what next?' But before long some folks arrived that I really did have bonds with and wanted to sit and talk to and catch up on old times and new times. Jason Caufield, Kyan Newman, Dan Cannon, Bob Berryman, Shannon Rackham (Hayes), Becka Spenser, Becki McCombs, Janice Lee, and others too. Both nights turned into a very enjoyable evening. It's easy at times to find myself torn between the magnificence that life is and the wondering curiosity of life that might have been. To look into the future and at the same time see glowing potential and dreadful possibilities. Someday's a restful soul drifts down upon me naturally and on other days rest is unobtainable as my mind races and my heart follows being tugged from uncertainty to uncertainty. I wish, and sometimes that's scary.

Harmonics of Past, Present, Future and Dark Matter & Energy

2011-07-05T12:36:00.003-06:00

I have another idea for another book (yeah I know, I need to finish the ones I already have... workin' on that). Here is some background about the setting.

http://ray.tomes.biz/maths.html
and
http://science1.nasa.gov/astrophysics/focus-areas/what-is-dark-energy/

Econ - Keynes VS Hayek

2011-05-20T17:09:00.000-06:00

I love these videos, and if you don't know what this is about YOU SHOULD, and here is how - start listening to the podcast of EconTalk

2011-05-14T15:07:00.000-06:00

i just don't know how to be a good parent, the solution completely escapes me; i am in waters for which i am unprepared, fighting a current i cannot see nor predict; and i feel that my whole being hinges on the outcome of this encounter - and yet - i am so ill equipt. every time i talk to him it is measured in degrees of failure, my failure. the god above has made a grave error in trusting me in this task.

It's 2:44AM at the Oklahoma City airport - what do you do?

2011-05-12T01:38:00.000-06:00

Find a power outlet for your nearly dead laptop and phone
Get onto the wifi hotspot
Find your best flight option to get you home.
Email co-workers to let them know you will be useless tomorrow - I mean today 8(
Change into your most comfortable cloths
Listen to a grouchy lady next to you complain about the obvious
Search your bag for food - unsuccessfully
Blink a lot because your contacts are getting dry
Try to pass time on Facebook
Make a blog post
Wait... I suppose... this blows...

Getting good info...

2011-04-27T19:38:00.002-06:00

It's been a while since I posted. Just been busy. So I thought I would share (at the risk of being redundant) the podcasts or other sources that I find very informative. I have pretty much given up completely on television for getting valuable information. The 5 min intervals of repetitive and shallow bias banter you get from TV is worthless or even worse. The world is complex and it requires longer and more thoughtful discussions to understand it and formulate reasonable opinions. Here are some sources I believe are worth considering (note: that does not mean I agree with everything that is said in them):

If you can only devote the time to one, give EconTalk a shot first, if you really want to learn how the world works or why it works the way it does - start there.

duplicity

2011-03-30T16:32:00.001-06:00

i have a real problem with people who are duplicitous; saying different things about the same subject depending on the company; i suppose it's human nature and suspecting my own frailties i doubt i am perfect in any area including this one but at the same time i do not feel that this is a particularly major issue for me; i suppose this is why i would likely never make it in politics, i can't bring myself to believe 'versions of the truth' or equally bad, lie. now i have lied in my life especially in my youth but i think it is rare now as an adult - i just don't think its worth it, i see it as creating more work for me and i don't have the brain power to remember multiple versions of reality - the one is enough. i trust people pretty easily initially but if i observe duplicity in you, we still can hang out, maybe, but trust you will not have - when i see it, it doesn't make me mad, it makes me sad that some people discard the eternal (relationships) for whatever temporal pursuit which has them preoccupied, sad...

there and back again... a babbitt's tale

2011-03-23T14:49:00.004-06:00

been traveling a lot these days; honestly i am not totally sure how i feel about it; Dallas, LA, Dallas, more LA, NYC, Phoenix, Dallas, Toronto, and next week Dallas again; i feel a bit numb - it's one of those, do what ya gotta do type of things - or as i put it to a friend, at least i am not a member of the Donner Party, i.e. it could be worse, lots worse :)

38

2011-03-01T01:38:00.023-07:00

Another year. I know to some this number is quite modest, and to others may be daunting, and to me it just is. But it has brought me to once again ponder the great questions of life, and the handful of answers I have found, answers that from time to time need re-examining. I have always been a believer in new beginnings, in the next sunrise, the advent of another year. This year I felt some fatigue; and wondered. Was there really a point in fighting the same battles; taking ground only to lose it, and retake it again? In the final summation what would be gained? It's a tragic and beautiful thing this life is; so massively misunderstood. But even in the midst of that I can't help but feel it is rarely misused. Life. A four letter word to be sure, but a word that binds us all.

Over recent days I was blessed to sit and listen to a man of God who sees better than I do, and be grateful that in the listening I could hear. For a few hours he reminded me of answers I had, and gave me answers I didn't know I sought. Answers about the power of God to redeem and his willingness to do so. Answers about drawing distinctions among the burdens I carry; about the difference between sin and adversity and that the weight of the two is not the same. My sins I must own, but the adversity I can leave at the door, His door.

There are a great many men that do better than I, but that is not the yardstick by which I will be measured. I have lost so much time in fearing a future that may be no better than my past. I have lumber under the weight of the best that is never done. I have hid ashamed and shrinking in the shadows that have gone before me. There must be a way to let it go. Let it fall from me like the unwanted serpent's skin that it is. And there is...

I seek Him, and that is enough; I must allow myself to take refuge in that.

searing the soul

2011-02-15T20:43:00.001-07:00

when in the reflective glass i gaze,
and see the man that's less than he,
a waste of sorrid sunny days,
i am bemused by what will not be;

the nots make knots in barren soul,
and bury me while living,
gaps abound, i am not whole,
and the arson self set is gruling.

a tiny cup of moonlight

2011-01-28T15:05:00.001-07:00

in the tin of morning,
grey crept quietly away;
the brisk release of earth,
into a brand new day;
i captured a bit of moonlight,
in a tiny cup of clay;

under the ultraviolet,
i tucked it under wing;
to cool my heated soul,
it sent my mind to dream;
i'll think of her forever,
a private lovers scene;

Sick Snowboarding

2011-01-22T13:40:00.002-07:00

I am so tired of being sick. I got this nasty cold/sough thing before Christmas and it is still with me. Terrible! I will probably have to go back to the doc and ask for something more powerful than the zpac antibiotic they game me last time.

On a happier note, I took Brayden and Kennedi to Copper Mtn yesterday. Brayden is getting better on the snowboard and was off doing his thing most of the day while I taught Kennedi because due to traffic on I-70 we were a hour late and missed her class. (We left Highlands Ranch at 7:20 and got to Copper at 10:15, that's bad.) But the day turned out very well and we had a great time, I think I set myself back on the health front, I feel like I have been hit by a truck today, but I think it was worth it for the kids, they had a fantastic time. (My back is super sore today too, it sucks getting older - and I am only 37!!!)

I will post links to a few YouTube videos once I get them uploaded.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rckL6IY5qSU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9AuUWvhAgcs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FwcN4WgWiZQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xL1MWpHbz8

A Shady Horse

2011-01-06T16:21:00.003-07:00

The man in the cowboy hat, worn and beaten, placed his empty glass on the mahogany bar now peeling and weathered. Whiskey soaked into his lips as he turned to the young lady who had been pestering him with questions only the ignorant would ask. "You see filly," he said looking at her breasts, "I tried to secure a future that required a forfeiter of my past." There was no sorrow in his voice, only stoic observation. She thought he complimented her by calling her filly, admiring her youth and spirit, and she looked at him in wonderment not knowing. He took the refilled shot and pressed it to his lips and siphoned the poison through his teeth. She was repulsed a little, but smiled. This time he looked in her eyes, "I am no cowboy, and the caricature I was has been chased out by an amorous you couldn't begin to understand," she glanced up at the Stetson that sat on his head. "And this hat? Well, that was a gift from the devil."

Thankful

2010-11-23T10:57:00.001-07:00

I am overwhelmed when I begin to think about how much I have to be thankful for, the list is so long, and so significant that even to attempt its listing seems insulting because it could never be complete. In light of this observation I have decided to not be angry anymore, about anything. I have been attempting to teach my children that you can either be happy about what you have, or angry about what you do not. You cannot be both at the same time. One is to be grateful, and the other is to be ungrateful. I must embody this better. Don't misunderstand, I am not an angry person, but given the magnitude of my blessings I am not nearly happy enough. So here is to God, to life, to love, to song and sun, and all the other things that fill my life with light and joy!